泰勒·汤姆林森：瞧你内样 Taylor Tomlinson: Look at You(2022)(EN)Subtitles
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1 00:00:05 [upbeat music]
2 00:00:16 [sentimental music]
3 00:00:34 [announcer]Please welcome Taylor Tomlinson!
4 00:00:39 [audience cheering]
5 00:00:48 Thank you so much!
6 00:00:50 [cheering]
7 00:00:53 Thank you!
8 00:00:58 Thank you, guys, so much!
9 00:01:01 Thank you!
10 00:01:03 I so, so appreciate you guys being here.It's been a rough couple of years.
11 00:01:08 I got bangs at one point.
12 00:01:09 -Shit got dark.-[audience laughs]
13 00:01:12 I didn't even want bangs.I just needed people to check on me.
14 00:01:14 And it works, by the way.
15 00:01:16 You post a selfie in bangs,
16 00:01:18 everybody's like, "Fire emoji.You go, girl!" Then they text you, like,
17 00:01:21 "You okay?"
18 00:01:22 [audience laughs]
19 00:01:24 Here's what I did. I got bangs
20 00:01:26 and then two days later,
21 00:01:28 -I did mushrooms for the first time.-[audience laughs]
22 00:01:31 And as soon as I did those mushrooms,
23 00:01:33 I was like, "I should've done these first.
24 00:01:37 [audience laughs]
25 00:01:39 Probably wouldn't have gotten these bangsif I forgave myself, huh?"
26 00:01:42 [audience laughs]
27 00:01:44 But you know what? Having bangsfeels exactly like being on mushrooms.
28 00:01:47 The whole time, you're just lookingat your friends, like, "Do I look weird?
29 00:01:51 [audience laughs]
30 00:01:52 You guys would tell meif I looked weird, right? Is it…
31 00:01:54 Is it bad different? Is it not good--
32 00:01:56 You know what? I changed my mind.I don't want to do it.
33 00:01:59 It's too late? It's already happening?
34 00:02:00 Okay, no, I can be this person."
35 00:02:04 I got back into therapy.Anybody in therapy?
36 00:02:07 [audience cheers]
37 00:02:10 Mostly women. That's the problem.
38 00:02:12 [audience laughs]
39 00:02:15 It's very hard to stay in therapy.
40 00:02:16 My old therapist told methat when I get close to people,
41 00:02:18 I have a tendency to self-sabotage.
42 00:02:20 And I thought that was bullshit,
43 00:02:22 so I ghosted her.
44 00:02:23 -[audience laughs]-And then…
45 00:02:25 I finally went backbecause I finally dated enough people
46 00:02:29 who all gave me the exact same feedbackabout my shitty personality.
47 00:02:33 You know, that romantic quota you hitwhere you're, like,
48 00:02:35 -[laughing] "Uh-oh! Might be me!-[audience laughs]
49 00:02:39 Oh, the reviews are in and they are[blows raspberry] unanimous.
50 00:02:42 That's a bummer."
51 00:02:43 So after a really bad breakupa few years ago,
52 00:02:45 I finally took a long hard look at myself
53 00:02:47 and said, "Okay, Taylor, five out of fivedudes all think that in fights,
54 00:02:52 you behave like a raccoontrapped in a trash bag."
55 00:02:55 [audience laughs]
56 00:02:59 "So maybe it's time to get some Klonopin
57 00:03:02 or a rabies shot."
58 00:03:04 [audience laughs]
59 00:03:06 I am fully medicated now.
60 00:03:08 Anybody else? Anti-depressants?
61 00:03:10 -[audience cheers]-Medication? Yeah.
62 00:03:12 Nice. What are we on? Shout it out.
63 00:03:14 [audience shouting indistinctly]
64 00:03:16 Zoloft, Lexapro. Oh!
65 00:03:19 -Look at us. Gang's all here!-[audience laughs]
66 00:03:23 Oh my God! I'm also on something.
67 00:03:25 I would never say what,that's very personal, but…
68 00:03:28 [audience laughs]
69 00:03:30 No, I'm kidding. I'm on a few things.
70 00:03:32 I am on Klonopin as neededfor panic attacks.
71 00:03:35 I'm so glad I have Klonopin nowbecause before
72 00:03:37 I had medication for it,I would have panic attacks
73 00:03:40 right when I had to be somewhere,
74 00:03:41 which is the worst time to get them'cause then you just have to pinch
75 00:03:44 the panic attack offlike a shit you don't have time to take.
76 00:03:48 [audience laughs]
77 00:03:49 You know what I mean?When you're, like, "Okay,
78 00:03:51 I got 60% of that out of my system.
79 00:03:53 [audience laughs]
80 00:03:55 -I'm not done but I gotta go to work.-[audience laughs]
81 00:03:58 I will get to the other 40 later
82 00:04:00 or I'll finish in the big stall at lunchif no one's in there.
83 00:04:03 [audience laughs]
84 00:04:07 I got put on something else for sleep
85 00:04:09 because I have night terrors.There's no fun, casual way to say that.
86 00:04:12 -[giggles] "Wake up screaming and…"-[audience laughs]
87 00:04:16 These sleeper time pills I got are great.
88 00:04:18 They don't stop the nightmares
89 00:04:20 but they do hold you downwhile they're happening.
90 00:04:22 [audience laughs]
91 00:04:24 Which sounds bad but before,
92 00:04:26 I'd wake up in the middle so afraid
93 00:04:28 and now, I stay asleep
94 00:04:30 -until the nightmare's natural conclusion,-[audience laughs]
95 00:04:34 -which provides you with some closure.-[audience laughs]
96 00:04:37 -You're like, "Oh, he stabs me at the end.-[audience gasps]
97 00:04:40 Okay, plot twist, M. Nightmare Shyamalan."
98 00:04:44 [audience laughs]
99 00:04:47 I thought I was on an anti-depressant.
100 00:04:49 It turns out I'm not.
101 00:04:50 It turns out I'm actuallyon a mood stabilizer
102 00:04:53 that they use as an anti-depressant.
103 00:04:55 Fun fact about prescription drugs.
104 00:04:57 Everything they prescribe, they actuallyuse for, like, four different things.
105 00:05:00 So you don't really know what your deal is
106 00:05:04 until you find a combo that works
107 00:05:06 and then Google all your pillsby yourself.
108 00:05:09 [audience laughs]
109 00:05:10 So after years of trial and error,
110 00:05:13 I finally found a combination of thingsthat worked for me,
111 00:05:15 and six months ago, I decided to Google it'cause what the hell.
112 00:05:18 And it turns outthat everything I'm taking
113 00:05:20 is primarily used for bipolar disorder.
114 00:05:24 So I went back to my psychiatristand I was, like, "Hey.
115 00:05:28 [audience laughs]
116 00:05:30 Do we think…?"
117 00:05:32 [audience laughs]
118 00:05:35 And she was, like, "Oh! Yeah!"
119 00:05:38 [audience laughs]
120 00:05:47 And I was, like,"Is this how you fucking tell people?"
121 00:05:50 [audience laughs]
122 00:05:52 And she's, like, "No, of course not.We didn't know.
123 00:05:55 I'm glad we figured it out."
124 00:05:56 -And I was, like, "We?"-[audience laughs]
125 00:05:59 I said, "You really didn't knowthat I was bipolar?" And she goes,
126 00:06:02 "No, of course not. We thoughtwe were treating anxiety and depression."
127 00:06:05 And I said, "Okay.'Cause this kinda feels like
128 00:06:07 a putting your dog's medicationin cheese situation."
129 00:06:11 [audience laughs]
130 00:06:16 And I was, like, "I don't know how I feelabout this diagnosis." And she goes,
131 00:06:19 "Well, if it makes you feel better,you don't have to say,
132 00:06:22 'I am bipolar.'You can say, 'I have bipolar.'"
133 00:06:25 -[audience chuckles]-Which feels a lot like someone going,
134 00:06:27 "I said you were being a bitch."
135 00:06:30 [audience laughs]
136 00:06:39 I'm so glad I know that I'm bipolar now.
137 00:06:42 I mean, I have the right meds,I got a mood ring, I'm handling it.
138 00:06:45 [audience laughs]
139 00:06:46 But when I first found out,it was a very tough pill to swallow.
140 00:06:49 -And I've swallowed a lot of pills.-[audience laughs]
141 00:06:52 Because when you first find outsomething like that,
142 00:06:54 you're, like, "Oh man,am I gonna tell anybody?
143 00:06:57 Should I tell anybody?
144 00:06:59 And if I do tell people,
145 00:07:01 am I hot
146 00:07:03 and/or talented enoughto be an inspiration?"
147 00:07:08 [audience laughs]
148 00:07:11 [audience claps, cheers]
149 00:07:14 Like, if I have a thingand someone else has that thing
150 00:07:18 and they find out I have it too,
151 00:07:20 are they gonna feel good or badwith that information?
152 00:07:24 Because when I got diagnosed,they started listing names.
153 00:07:26 They were, like,"You know who else is bipolar?
154 00:07:28 Selena Gomez."
155 00:07:30 And I was, like,
156 00:07:31 -"That does make me feel better.-[audience laughs]
157 00:07:34 -She is very pretty.-[audience laughs]
158 00:07:37 Okay, I'll be bipolar."
159 00:07:39 [audience laughs]
160 00:07:41 I did not grow up
161 00:07:42 in a household that was very, like,mental health-conscious.
162 00:07:45 Like, we were very religious.
163 00:07:46 I don't know if you've ever triedto tell your conservative dad
164 00:07:50 that you have a mental health issue.It doesn't go great.
165 00:07:53 When I was in high school,I was like, "Dad, I think I'm depressed."
166 00:07:56 And he was, like, "You just need someprotein. Get a scoop of peanut butter."
167 00:07:59 [audience laughs]
168 00:08:00 Yeah, there's a lot of dads out there justwhite-knuckling it through life right now,
169 00:08:05 clinging to a jar of chunky Jiflike it's the answer,
170 00:08:09 just a buoy in the storm.
171 00:08:11 -"It'll pass!"-[audience laughs]
172 00:08:16 The only mental health advicemy dad ever gave me
173 00:08:19 is I was having panic attacksin high school
174 00:08:21 and I didn't know what they wereand I was very stressed out.
175 00:08:24 And I was, like, "I don't know what to do.
176 00:08:25 I don't know what to do when I feellike this. I don't know what to do."
177 00:08:27 And he goes, "Alright.
178 00:08:30 All I can tell youis that when you feel like this,
179 00:08:35 get as far away from the peopleyou care about as possible…
180 00:08:40 [audience laughs]
181 00:08:42 until you feel different."
182 00:08:45 Which is advice you give a werewolf, like…
183 00:08:49 [audience laughs]
184 00:08:51 "Just run into the woods'til you're not a monster anymore.
185 00:08:55 Don't let them see you change. They won'taccept you for what you truly are."
186 00:08:59 [audience laughs]
187 00:09:03 And I had friends who scared me toowhen I was trying to get on medication.
188 00:09:05 They were, like, "Ugh, I tried.I tried anti-depressants.
189 00:09:07 I didn't like how I felt on them.I didn't feel like myself."
190 00:09:10 And now that I'm on them, I'm, like,"Yeah, me neither! It's the best."
191 00:09:13 [audience laughs]
192 00:09:15 Okay? And I do feel like myself.
193 00:09:18 I just feel like now someone'ssitting on me going,
194 00:09:20 -"Shh!-[audience laughs]
195 00:09:22 Stop talking. You will ruin everything.We are…
196 00:09:26 We are trying to help you.
197 00:09:27 You'd be married right nowif you just shut the hell up.
198 00:09:30 [audience laughs]
199 00:09:31 Remember that? Yeah, us too.We are trying to help you. Go to sleep.
200 00:09:34 Choose a different adventure."
201 00:09:36 [audience laughs]
202 00:09:42 And they warn you about the side effectswhen you get on medication.
203 00:09:45 They go, "You know,your sex drive might go down."
204 00:09:47 And I'll be honest, I have experiencedthat since I got on medication,
205 00:09:50 but I can't tell if my sex drive is lower
206 00:09:54 -or if my self-esteem is just higher now.-[audience laughs]
207 00:09:57 You know?
208 00:09:59 [audience claps, cheers]
209 00:10:01 It's, like, am I not in the mood, or do Ijust not need the validation? Which is it?
210 00:10:06 Because depressionwill bring you to your knees
211 00:10:09 and you're, like, "While I'm down here,might as well make someone feel good.
212 00:10:12 -I… do not want to waste a trip."-[audience whoops]
213 00:10:17 If you're not laughing,congrats on your serotonin.
214 00:10:20 [audience laughs]
215 00:10:22 And if you're, like, "What's serotonin?"Don't worry. You have enough.
216 00:10:25 [audience laughs]
217 00:10:32 I wasn't sureif I was gonna talk about it on stage,
218 00:10:35 and then I needed new material and I was,like, "Fire sale! Everything goes."
219 00:10:38 [audience laughs]
220 00:10:42 No, truthfully, I was surprised
221 00:10:43 that I felt so bad about it'cause I think I'm pretty open-minded.
222 00:10:46 And I don't think anybody should feel bad
223 00:10:48 if they get diagnosedwith a mental illness
224 00:10:50 'cause it's just information about you
225 00:10:52 that helps you knowhow to take better care of yourself.
226 00:10:54 -[audience cheers]-Yeah.
227 00:10:57 Being bipolar,there's nothing wrong with it.
228 00:10:59 Being bipolaris like not knowing how to swim.
229 00:11:01 It might be embarrassing to tell people
230 00:11:03 and it might be hardto take you certain places.
231 00:11:05 [audience laughs]
232 00:11:07 [audience continues laughing]
233 00:11:12 But they have arm floaties.
234 00:11:14 [audience laughs]
235 00:11:16 And if you just take your arm floaties,
236 00:11:20 you can go wherever the hell you want.
237 00:11:22 [audience laughs]
238 00:11:23 And… I know some of you are, like,"But Taylor,
239 00:11:26 what if people judge mefor taking arm floaties?"
240 00:11:28 Well, those people don't careif you live or die,
241 00:11:30 -so maybe who cares?-[audience whoops]
242 00:11:32 Maybe fuck those people a little.
243 00:11:35 -[audience cheers]-I don't know.
244 00:11:44 That being said,you have to take your arm floaties
245 00:11:46 [audience laughs]
246 00:11:47 because it's not coolto know you can't swim,
247 00:11:50 go to the public pool anyway,
248 00:11:51 and jump into the deep end,making it everyone else's problem.
249 00:11:53 [audience laughs]
250 00:11:55 And you thrash around going, "I'm good!"They're like, "You're literally drowning."
251 00:11:59 And then someone niceand handsome jumps in to help you.
252 00:12:01 And you're, like,"See? I'm fine. I can totally swim."
253 00:12:03 And they're, like,"No, you're holding him underwater.
254 00:12:07 [audience laughs]
255 00:12:08 -You turned Kevin into an arm floaty-[audience laughs]
256 00:12:11 and that's not a fair relationshipfor Kevin."
257 00:12:15 [audience laughs]
258 00:12:17 Then someone floats by you on their back
259 00:12:19 and you're, like, "What was that?"
260 00:12:20 And they're, like, "Oh, that's someonewhose parents supported them in the pool…
261 00:12:24 [audience laughs]
262 00:12:28 until they could be trusted not to die.
263 00:12:30 [audience laughs]
264 00:12:31 -Here are your arm floaties."-[audience laughs]
265 00:12:35 I was very nervous to tell friends of mine
266 00:12:37 I was bipolar because I thoughtthey would think of me differently.
267 00:12:39 And then I told all my friendsand nobody did
268 00:12:42 and it was actually pretty insulting.
269 00:12:44 [audience laughs]
270 00:12:46 Because I've had friends tell methey were bipolar
271 00:12:48 and I was, like,"What? You? You're kidding."
272 00:12:51 And then I told my friends and theywere, like,
273 00:12:52 -"That checks out. That's…-[audience laughs]
274 00:12:55 That connects a lot of dots for us."
275 00:12:57 I told Dustin, one of my best friendsin the whole world,
276 00:13:00 and he goes, "Yeah, your mental illnesswas kinda like your middle name.
277 00:13:03 I didn't know what it wasbut I knew that you had one."
278 00:13:07 [audience laughs]
279 00:13:14 It's really good.
280 00:13:16 That was not the feedback I kept gettingfrom romantic partners, by the way.
281 00:13:20 -[audience laughs]-That's not what finally made me get help.
282 00:13:23 Every guy I've ever datedhas told me I have trust issues,
283 00:13:26 which is something liars saywhen you're on to them.
284 00:13:29 [audience laughs]
285 00:13:34 [in deep voice]"You have trust issues, babe."
286 00:13:35 You havea hot co-worker and a locked phone, so…
287 00:13:38 [audience laughs]
288 00:13:43 I have trust issuesbut I earned them, okay?
289 00:13:46 -[audience laughs]-I absolutely earned them, like,
290 00:13:48 I got cheated on in college.My college boyfriend
291 00:13:50 was sleeping with sex workersbehind my back,
292 00:13:52 or prostitutes if you're old and don'tknow that word's not okay to use anymore.
293 00:13:57 Sometimes older crowd memberscould get confused 'cause they're, like,
294 00:13:59 "What is a sex worker?"
295 00:14:01 "Is that what my granddaughterdoes on Instagram?"
296 00:14:04 -[audience laughs]-And you're, like, "No, no, no,
297 00:14:05 she's just hot. That's a FabFitFun box."
298 00:14:07 -"That's a different…"-[audience laughs]
299 00:14:09 -"That's a different thing."-[audience laughs]
300 00:14:13 "Your granddaughter doesn't…That's not a job."
301 00:14:15 -"That's not real."-[audience laughs]
302 00:14:17 You can't say prostitute anymore.
303 00:14:19 Calling a sex worker a prostituteis like calling a comedian a clown.
304 00:14:22 You're not technically wrongbut you are a fucking asshole, so…
305 00:14:25 [audience laughs]
306 00:14:28 But I told my therapistI got cheated on like this
307 00:14:30 and she didn't saywhat I wanted her to say,
308 00:14:32 which was, "Poor baby, sweetie,this session is free."
309 00:14:35 [audience laughs]
310 00:14:37 Instead, she goes, "Well, you might bea self-fulfilling prophecy."
311 00:14:41 And I was like, "Oh!" And she's like,"No, it's a bad thing." And I was like,
312 00:14:45 [audience laughs]
313 00:14:46 "Well, then could you sayI have self-fulfilling prophecy?
314 00:14:50 [audience laughs]
315 00:14:52 Is Selena Gomeza self-fulfilling prophecy?"
316 00:14:55 [audience laughs]
317 00:14:58 And I said, "What does that mean,I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy?"
318 00:15:00 And she goes, "Well, sometimeswe expect someone to treat us poorly,
319 00:15:04 so we treat them like they're goingto treat us poorly until they do."
320 00:15:07 "You thought someonewas gonna cheat on you,
321 00:15:09 so you treated them likethey were gonna cheat on you
322 00:15:11 until they did cheat on you,and then you were like, 'See?'"
323 00:15:15 [audience chuckles]
324 00:15:17 -And I was like, "Oh."-[audience laughs]
325 00:15:21 "So I'm a witch."
326 00:15:23 [audience laughs]
327 00:15:25 [audience claps, cheers]
328 00:15:30 And she's like,"Oh! So close. You're a bitch."
329 00:15:33 -"You gotta…"-[audience laughs]
330 00:15:35 I'm like,"Whatever. All I heard was Gryffindor!"
331 00:15:38 [audience laughs]
332 00:15:43 I am working on my trust issues.
333 00:15:45 I was so much worse when I first startedseeing my therapist.
334 00:15:47 I told her like first session, I was like,
335 00:15:49 "The guy I'm dating keeps answeringmy phone calls, 'Hey, beautiful?'"
336 00:15:53 [audience laughs]
337 00:15:54 And she's like, "So, what's the problem?"I was like, "I mean, I don't know yet."
338 00:15:58 [audience laughs]
339 00:16:00 -"But when I find out who 'Beautiful' is…"-[audience laughs]
340 00:16:04 She's like,"Do you think it might be you?"
341 00:16:06 I was like, "I'm sorry.I thought we were here to work."
342 00:16:08 [audience laughs]
343 00:16:10 I think I'm cute or whatever now,
344 00:16:12 but I was an ugly kid with honest parents,
345 00:16:14 and that shit stays in your bones,alright?
346 00:16:18 If you were an ugly kidwith honest parents,
347 00:16:20 I don't care how attractiveyou grow up to be,
348 00:16:22 at any point, if someone's like,"You look really nice today," you're like,
349 00:16:25 "Yeah, whatever.I know the Goddamn truth."
350 00:16:27 [audience laughs]
351 00:16:29 When I was ten, I said,"Dad, am I pretty?"
352 00:16:32 And his response was, "Look."
353 00:16:35 [audience laughs]
354 00:16:37 "I'm not the best looking guy, right?"
355 00:16:40 "No, but I wake upevery morning and I try."
356 00:16:43 -[audience laughs]-"I…"
357 00:16:45 "I take a shower, I put on a nice suit,
358 00:16:47 and I do okay!"
359 00:16:48 [audience whoops]
360 00:16:50 -And then he went to work.-[audience laughs]
361 00:16:53 -And I became a comedian, I guess.-[audience laughs]
362 00:16:55 That was his responseto his ten-year-old daughter.
363 00:16:58 Just like, "You and me, potato face,these were the cards we were dealt."
364 00:17:02 "Get clean and match."
365 00:17:04 "That's all you can do.Don't sleep on wet hair. Can't do that."
366 00:17:07 "Maybe wear a hat sometimes.Cover up some of that head."
367 00:17:10 "I'm sorry there's so much of it."
368 00:17:11 [audience laughs]
369 00:17:14 I think I'm pretty. I have a big head.
370 00:17:15 I know I do 'cause every guy I've everdated has made a point to be like,
371 00:17:19 -"I love your big head."-[audience laughs]
372 00:17:23 That's my favorite thing guys do
373 00:17:24 when they compliment the thingyou hate most about yourself,
374 00:17:27 they're like, "I love your soft arms."
375 00:17:29 -You're like, "Okay.-[audience laughs]
376 00:17:32 Yeah? I love your weird balls.
377 00:17:34 -How does it feel?-[audience laughs]
378 00:17:37 [audience cheers]
379 00:17:39 -How does it feel to be accepted?"-[audience chuckles]
380 00:17:44 -I'm a nightmare to date.-[audience laughs]
381 00:17:45 Anything nice you do or say,I'm just like, "Whatever."
382 00:17:48 I dated a guy once who told me thatflirting with me was like punching water.
383 00:17:52 [audience laughs]
384 00:17:54 And I was like,"Why? 'Cause it's pointless
385 00:17:56 or 'cause you look stupid doing it?"
386 00:17:58 [audience laughs]
387 00:17:59 He's like, "Did you hear it?"
388 00:18:01 -I'm like, "I heard it that time. Yeah."-[audience laughs]
389 00:18:04 And then he cheated on me,so, you know, prophecy fulfilled!
390 00:18:07 [audience laughs]
391 00:18:10 I can't help it. At the beginningof a relationship with a guy,
392 00:18:13 I just assume anything nice he does
393 00:18:15 is he a move he pulls on everybody
394 00:18:18 and I'm not gonna fallfor your choreography, sir.
395 00:18:23 -[audience laughs]-I'm like, "Oh, is this…
396 00:18:25 is this your move?
397 00:18:27 -You open the car door for me on the date?-[woman laughs]
398 00:18:30 Is this like your move?
399 00:18:32 [chuckles] This is how you do it?
400 00:18:34 That's cute. Bet that works a lot."
401 00:18:37 [audience laughs]
402 00:18:39 "Oh, is this… is this your move?
403 00:18:42 You go with me to my grandpa's funeral,
404 00:18:44 hold an umbrella over my head in the rain?
405 00:18:45 -[audience laughs]-Is this like… Is this like your move?
406 00:18:48 -This is how you do it?-[audience laughs]
407 00:18:51 Like, 'Whoops, don't get wet.''Oops! I am.' Whatever.
408 00:18:55 [audience laughs, cheers]
409 00:19:01 This ain't my first rodeo.I used to have two grandpas."
410 00:19:05 [audience laughs]
411 00:19:11 [audience chuckles]
412 00:19:13 "Oh, is this…
413 00:19:16 -Is this your move?-[audience chuckles]
414 00:19:18 You die next to me in a hospital bed
415 00:19:20 at 86 years old holding my handfor all eternity?
416 00:19:23 Is this like your move?This is how you get pussy?"
417 00:19:26 [audience laughs]
418 00:19:27 He's like,"We've been together for 60 years."
419 00:19:29 I'm like, "You're a fuckboy and I know it!
420 00:19:32 [audience laughs]
421 00:19:34 Don't bury me with this guy. He's beendying with other people behind my back.
422 00:19:37 -[audience laughs]-I can't prove it.
423 00:19:39 Check his phone when he uses the bedpan."
424 00:19:41 [audience laughs]
425 00:19:45 -And that's why we're in therapy.-[audience laughs]
426 00:19:48 People are scared to go to therapy
427 00:19:50 because they think it's someonesitting in a chair going, "You suck."
428 00:19:53 But it's not. It's you in a chair going,"I suck."
429 00:19:56 [audience laughs]
430 00:19:57 And then your therapist is like,"That's great. Let's start there."
431 00:20:00 [audience laughs]
432 00:20:01 Therapy just helps you to getto the bottom of why you're trash, okay?
433 00:20:04 You go into therapy and you're like,
434 00:20:05 "Here's all the stuffthat sucks about me."
435 00:20:07 And she goes, "Okay."And she puts it all up on the wall
436 00:20:09 like you're solving a crime together.
437 00:20:11 -Fun!-[audience laughs]
438 00:20:12 And then she gets some of that red stringthat detectives use at home
439 00:20:15 when they've been thrown off the casefor going rogue
440 00:20:17 [audience laughs]
441 00:20:19 and she starts connectingeach crappy thing about you
442 00:20:22 to each oneof your corresponding childhood traumas,
443 00:20:26 and you're like, "Oh my God!That's why I'm like this."
444 00:20:28 And she's like,"That's why you're like this."
445 00:20:30 And you're like, "Am I fixed now?"
446 00:20:32 -And she's like, "God, no!-[audience laughs]
447 00:20:35 No, no, no."You're like, "Well, what do I do now?"
448 00:20:37 She's like, "Well, you keep coming backin here every week
449 00:20:39 with your credit card." And you're like,"What? Will I ever be fixed?"
450 00:20:44 She's like, "I don't know.Bring your credit card!"
451 00:20:46 [audience laughs]
452 00:20:51 I've got to the bottomof a lot of stuff in therapy.
453 00:20:53 I'm an emotional eater. I don't knowif anybody else identifies with that.
454 00:20:57 -[audience whoops]-Cool. Seven people.
455 00:20:59 Everyone else is like, "No, we just eatuntil we're almost full
456 00:21:01 and then we thank Godfor the opportunity, okay."
457 00:21:03 [audience laughs]
458 00:21:05 "Food is just fuel for me."
459 00:21:07 If you're one of those,fuck right off, for real.
460 00:21:09 -[audience laughs]-I'll refund your money.
461 00:21:11 -I don't need your support.-[audience cheers]
462 00:21:13 I'm doing fine.
463 00:21:15 If you don't knowwhat an emotional eater is,
464 00:21:18 it just means you like eatto cope with uncomfortable feelings.
465 00:21:20 So if I'm like sad or anxious or awake,
466 00:21:22 -I like to be eating to take the edge off.-[audience laughs]
467 00:21:25 If you still don't know if that's you,
468 00:21:27 you can ask yourself a few questionsto find out.
469 00:21:29 Number one. When you eat nachos in public,
470 00:21:31 do you get kinda madthat other people are there to see it?
471 00:21:34 [audience laughs]
472 00:21:37 Do you feel like nachosshould come with a privacy curtain? I do.
473 00:21:40 [audience laughs]
474 00:21:44 Have all the best meals of your life
475 00:21:46 taken place in your own cararound 11 p.m.?
476 00:21:50 -[audience laughs]-Under a flickering streetlamp?
477 00:21:55 Have you ever eaten a brownie
478 00:21:58 while you felt okay
479 00:22:00 [audience laughs]
480 00:22:02 and wished you were sad
481 00:22:04 [audience laughs]
482 00:22:06 so that it tasted better?
483 00:22:08 [audience laughs]
484 00:22:10 Sounds like more than seven of us.
485 00:22:12 [audience laughs]
486 00:22:16 In therapy,I figured out the day in my childhood
487 00:22:19 I became an emotional eater.
488 00:22:20 I was eight years oldand I was eating a bagel in the kitchen
489 00:22:23 and my dad came in and he goes,
490 00:22:24 "You're gonna want to put that bagel down.I gotta tell you something."
491 00:22:27 And that's when he told methat my mom had died.
492 00:22:30 So somewhere in my brain,something clicked, like,
493 00:22:34 "Oh, when you stop eating bread,
494 00:22:39 [audience laughs]
495 00:22:41 -people perish."-[audience laughs]
496 00:22:44 I went back to fourth gradelike the angel of death.
497 00:22:46 Everyone's like, "Step on a crack,break your mother's back."
498 00:22:49 I'm like, "Stop eating bread,now your mom's dead, dude.
499 00:22:52 [audience laughs]
500 00:22:53 They left out that second part but…"
501 00:22:56 I had a lisp when I was eight. I tellyou guys that because no one told me.
502 00:23:00 [audience laughs]
503 00:23:02 They pulled me asidea year later at school.
504 00:23:05 Someone's like,
505 00:23:06 "Taylor, your teacher thinks you might bestruggling with a speech impediment."
506 00:23:08 I'm like,[with lisp] "What's a speech impediment?
507 00:23:10 [audience laughs]
508 00:23:11 [with lisp] Are you sureyou have the right person, 'cause…
509 00:23:14 -I'm crushing it out there."-[audience laughs]
510 00:23:16 And they're like,"You didn't do anything wrong.
511 00:23:17 You just pronounceyour words a little differently,
512 00:23:19 like you say "sh" instead of "ss"for your S's,
513 00:23:21 does that make sense? And I was like,
514 00:23:25 [with lisp]"I'm pretty sure I would have noticed
515 00:23:27 -[audience laughs]-if I said 'sh' instead of 'sh'.
516 00:23:32 -Hope you find who you're looking for.-[audience laughs]
517 00:23:34 If you have any follow-up questions,I'll be on the see-saw."
518 00:23:37 [audience laughs]
519 00:23:43 I know dead mom jokesmake people uncomfortable.
520 00:23:46 I know that and if you are uncomfortable,
521 00:23:49 I don't know what to say, you should'veworked harder so it was you up here.
522 00:23:52 [audience laughs, cheers]
523 00:24:01 No, honestly, I never want to make peoplefeel uncomfortable with that information.
524 00:24:05 So much sothat I used to lie to everybody.
525 00:24:07 Growing up, I used to tell everybodythat my parents were separated
526 00:24:10 so I wouldn't have to say my mom's dead.
527 00:24:11 And that worked very well
528 00:24:13 until recently a friend of mine found outI had lied and she was very upset.
529 00:24:17 -[audience laughs]-She was like, "Your mom's dead?
530 00:24:20 Taylor, you told me your parentswere separated."
531 00:24:22 And I was like, "Well, they were!
532 00:24:24 [audience laughs]
533 00:24:26 By Jesus."
534 00:24:28 [audience laughs]
535 00:24:31 Both her parents are alive, so she hasno idea how funny that is but…
536 00:24:35 -[audience laughs]-She'll get it eventually, right?
537 00:24:38 -Like that joke is a slow burn.-[audience laughs]
538 00:24:41 Kinda like cancer,which is what got mine, hey oh!
539 00:24:45 [audience laughs]
540 00:24:46 Okay, alright.
541 00:24:47 [audience laughs]
542 00:24:49 [groans] Here's the deal, Boston.
543 00:24:51 [audience laughs]
544 00:24:53 We have another, like,six minutes of dead mom jokes.
545 00:24:57 [audience laughs]
546 00:24:59 I know. You're getting like, "Whoa, no,six minutes is a long time."
547 00:25:02 It won't feel long.I have cushioned her, alright?
548 00:25:05 -[audience laughs]-I have laid my dead mom to rest
549 00:25:07 in a beautiful casket of dick jokesand pop culture references.
550 00:25:11 There's something for everybodyover the next six minutes.
551 00:25:13 You'll laugh, you'll cry,you'll forget she's dead.
552 00:25:16 [audience laughs]
553 00:25:17 But I know a lot's happeningfor you as a crowd right now
554 00:25:20 because you're like,"Taylor, we're good people.
555 00:25:22 Good people wouldn't laugh at deadmom jokes."
556 00:25:24 I'm here to tell you that if you're tryingto be a good person at a comedy show,
557 00:25:28 -you're wasting your God damn time.-[audience laughs]
558 00:25:32 Trying to be a good personat a comedy show
559 00:25:34 is like trying to recycle at a theme park.
560 00:25:36 You're already in here and part of theproblem, put your hands up and have fun.
561 00:25:39 [audience laughs]
562 00:25:42 And I know you're good people.You're like,
563 00:25:44 "Taylor, we've known you for 25 minutes.
564 00:25:46 We hate that anything badever happened to you even once."
565 00:25:49 Thank you so much, Boston.
566 00:25:50 But what you have to understand isthe bad thing already happened
567 00:25:53 and now I'm talking about itinto a microphone
568 00:25:56 -in front of people who paid to be here,-[audience laughs]
569 00:25:59 which means now the bad thing is money.
570 00:26:02 [audience laughs]
571 00:26:04 Do you think I'd be this successful
572 00:26:06 at my age if I had a live mom?
573 00:26:11 [audience laughs]
574 00:26:13 [audience whoops]
575 00:26:20 -[shouts] Fuck no!-[audience laughs]
576 00:26:22 I'd be a creative writing teacherwho loved myself
577 00:26:25 and I'd be sitting in the darkwith you pheasants, okay?
578 00:26:28 -[audience laughs]-She's in heaven, I'm on Netflix,
579 00:26:31 it all worked out.
580 00:26:33 [audience cheers]
581 00:26:43 That is a real thing I said in therapy.
582 00:26:45 [audience laughs]
583 00:26:46 To which my therapist responded,
584 00:26:48 "You should come in twice this week."
585 00:26:50 [audience laughs]
586 00:26:57 Some people get sadbecause I was eight when it happened.
587 00:26:59 But eight is a great time to lose a parent
588 00:27:01 because you're so stupid,you barely know what's going on.
589 00:27:04 When I was eight, I was like,
590 00:27:05 the only people I know with dead momsare Disney princesses.
591 00:27:08 [audience chuckles]
592 00:27:09 So like, this sucksbut am I about to get hot?
593 00:27:13 [audience laughs]
594 00:27:14 Then I hit puberty and I was like,
595 00:27:16 "Oh no, I guess God just hates meright now, that's a bummer."
596 00:27:18 That's a joke. God doesn't hate anybody,alright? Not anymore.
597 00:27:23 [audience laughs]
598 00:27:25 But have you read the Old Testament?Holy shit.
599 00:27:28 [audience laughs]
600 00:27:30 The Old Testament is my favoriteTaylor Swift album.
601 00:27:33 -It is…-[audience laughs]
602 00:27:38 It is banger after banger. Just like,
603 00:27:41 "You don't believe in me?
604 00:27:42 [in singsong voice]Snakes! Look what you made me do."
605 00:27:46 [audience laughs]
606 00:27:49 I'm a 20-something white woman, obviously,
607 00:27:51 I'm gonna compare T. Swift to the Lord,alright?
608 00:27:53 [audience laughs]
609 00:27:54 She is the only god I still believe in,alright?
610 00:27:57 [audience cheers]
611 00:27:59 I don't see God God revamping his old shit
612 00:28:03 and let's be honest, he probably should'cause the people who own it now suck.
613 00:28:07 [audience laughs, cheers]
614 00:28:15 It does grow you up very quickly,losing a parent that young.
615 00:28:17 I mean, I saw a dead body when I was eightwhich means I saw a dead body years
616 00:28:21 before I saw a dick.
617 00:28:23 And that is not the orderthat shit should go in
618 00:28:26 -[audience laughs]-according to the American Girl Body book.
619 00:28:28 [audience laughs]
620 00:28:32 Although maybe it should be'cause you know what's crazy? A dick?
621 00:28:35 -Way more traumatizing than your dead mom.-[audience laughs]
622 00:28:37 Oh my God, it's so much worse.I saw my mom, I was like,
623 00:28:40 "That lady used to make me snacks,now she's very still."
624 00:28:42 I saw a dick for the first time,
625 00:28:44 I was like, "Oh my God!Who took Jabba the Hutt's eyes?
626 00:28:47 [audience laughs]
627 00:28:48 You have done nothing for me. No, no, no.
628 00:28:50 No, I didn't say Beetlejuiceeven one time!"
629 00:28:53 [audience laughs]
630 00:28:55 I haven't seen that many dicksand I don't want to see any more
631 00:28:57 and it's nothing against men,
632 00:28:59 I'm attracted to you for some reasonbut I swear to God,
633 00:29:01 every time you see a new dick, thereis an adjustment period, isn't there?
634 00:29:04 -[audience laughs]-Just a real quick like…
635 00:29:07 [huffs deeply]and we're back in it, alright.
636 00:29:09 [audience laughs]
637 00:29:11 I have stayed in relationships too long
638 00:29:13 'cause I just wasn't readyto see a fresh one.
639 00:29:15 -I just couldn't-[audience laughs]
640 00:29:17 couldn't wrap my head around it,literally or figuratively.
641 00:29:20 I just… I just didn't have it in me,couldn't have it in me.
642 00:29:23 -And…-[audience laughs]
643 00:29:26 I don't care how many dicks you've seen,every time you see a new dick,
644 00:29:29 it feels like jumping into a cold pool.
645 00:29:32 Just like, [nervously] "Alright,let me just swim around,
646 00:29:34 get used to this one."
647 00:29:36 "Okay, alright, this one's deeperthan the last one but that's okay."
648 00:29:41 "That's alright. This is whywe take our arm floaties, you know,
649 00:29:44 for moments like these."
650 00:29:46 -[audience claps, cheers]-[grunting]
651 00:29:51 Just control your breathing,hot girl summer, bitch, you can do it.
652 00:29:55 [audience laughs]
653 00:29:57 I think of the genitaliaoptions available,
654 00:29:58 I think dick seem friendlier, you know.
655 00:30:01 They're up, they're happy to see you,they're wagging, I've never had sex.
656 00:30:03 [audience laughs]
657 00:30:05 -It's like a front tail, right?-[audience laughs]
658 00:30:08 I'll Google it, it's fine.
659 00:30:10 It's all speculation. I've never seen avagina, not even my own, I'm a Christian.
660 00:30:13 -[audience laughs]-But from what I hear,
661 00:30:15 it is very spooky down there.It's just a dark spooky hole, like,
662 00:30:19 a hole? I'm sorry, what?
663 00:30:21 Every time someone fingers me, I'm like,"You are very trusting, sir, because…"
664 00:30:25 -[audience laughs]-"…I don't even know where that goes."
665 00:30:27 "That might be where I keep the bipolar.That might be…"
666 00:30:30 [audience laughs]
667 00:30:32 "…where it has been… actually, if you seeany, could you scrape it out?"
668 00:30:36 -"Could you…"-[audience laughs]
669 00:30:38 "…just like a mental health Pap smear?"
670 00:30:40 -"Can you just do…"-[audience laughs]
671 00:30:41 Don't do that. Like,you gotta hook your finger,
672 00:30:43 like when a baby's choking,are you familiar?
673 00:30:46 If you do that, it'll push it in too far,it's too late.
674 00:30:48 But if you hook your finger, you swipe it,that's how you get it out.
675 00:30:52 [audience laughs]
676 00:30:54 I like doing that jokebecause it goes too far
677 00:30:57 but you do learn somethingthat could save a life.
678 00:30:59 [audience laughs]
679 00:31:06 I just love the idea of years from now,someone being like,
680 00:31:09 "If it weren't for that dick joke,my niece would not be here."
681 00:31:12 [audience laughs]
682 00:31:18 The craziest thing that happenedis my mom died of cancer.
683 00:31:21 -See? You almost forgot.-[audience laughs]
684 00:31:24 And then my dad got remarriedand then our stepmom got cancer.
685 00:31:29 She's fine, don't worry.I wouldn't do that to you twice.
686 00:31:31 -[audience laughs]-That's God talking to my dad. And…
687 00:31:36 As soon as our stepmom got it,me and my siblings were like, "Holy shit."
688 00:31:41 "Is Dad giving people cancer?"
689 00:31:44 [audience laughs]
690 00:31:46 We thought he was a carcinogen.
691 00:31:47 We were like,"Don't microwave anything for him."
692 00:31:49 -[audience laughs]-"I think that's how he's doing it."
693 00:31:52 If he had taken down a second one,
694 00:31:53 we would've put a warningon his Christian Mingle account.
695 00:31:56 Like bare minimum, just like,
696 00:31:57 "Hey, chemicals in herehave been known to cause cancer."
697 00:32:01 -"Ride at your own risk."-[audience laughs]
698 00:32:04 I feel like some peopledon't believe me that she's alive.
699 00:32:06 She's completely fine, you guys.She's happy, healthy, great lady.
700 00:32:09 We actually call my stepmom Mombecause when my dad married her,
701 00:32:12 nobody was using it.
702 00:32:13 So we were like,"Yeah, be Mom, who cares."
703 00:32:15 [audience laughs]
704 00:32:16 Oh, I'm sorry, if your principal quit
705 00:32:18 and you got a new principal, theywouldn't be like, "This is Lisa." Like…
706 00:32:22 [audience laughs]
707 00:32:25 Let her be principal, there is an opening.
708 00:32:28 [audience laughs]
709 00:32:29 Also, we were so young when it happenedand my dad got remarried so fast,
710 00:32:32 I think he was kinda hoping he couldjust like Indiana Jones switch them out
711 00:32:35 -[audience laughs]-before anybody noticed.
712 00:32:38 You know when you're a kidand your hamster dies
713 00:32:40 and your parentsdon't want to explain death to you
714 00:32:42 so they just buy you a new onethat looks the same
715 00:32:44 and they're like, "No, that's Connie, shejust bites now."
716 00:32:45 -[audience laughs]-That's kinda what he did.
717 00:32:48 But with moms.
718 00:32:51 But I never used to talk aboutany of that,
719 00:32:52 I never used to talk about my mom dying
720 00:32:55 because I didn't wantto make people uncomfortable
721 00:32:56 and also,like most of us with childhood trauma,
722 00:32:58 should be pretty much everyone in here.
723 00:33:00 If you're sitting here tonight going,"I don't think I have any,
724 00:33:02 I have great parents,I had a good childhood
725 00:33:04 and this 'comedy show'?It's not that fun for me."
726 00:33:08 -[audience laughs]-Good.
727 00:33:09 [audience laughs]
728 00:33:17 I hope this is the worst nightof your whole life.
729 00:33:20 [audience laughs]
730 00:33:21 'Cause it sounds likeit's been smooth sailing
731 00:33:24 -[audience laughs]-and you might need some perspective.
732 00:33:29 Most of us did have some childhood trauma
733 00:33:31 and when you get to be an adult,you're like,
734 00:33:32 "Woo, made it!Never have to think about that again.
735 00:33:34 Look at all my keys.
736 00:33:35 -The world's my oyster."-[audience laughs]
737 00:33:37 And so you just start pushing all thatdark stuff that happened to you as a kid
738 00:33:41 down, down, down 'til you don't eventhink about it anymore.
739 00:33:44 And that works for a long time.
740 00:33:46 [audience chuckles]
741 00:33:47 -Until one day,-[audience laughs]
742 00:33:49 you stub your toe really hard on a curb
743 00:33:51 and you just start weeping uncontrollablyin the street
744 00:33:53 and you're like, "Okay,this is about something else.
745 00:33:57 [audience laughs]
746 00:33:58 I was keeping all my trauma in that toe.
747 00:34:01 [audience laughs]
748 00:34:03 And then I jostled itand now it's everywhere.
749 00:34:05 [audience laughs]
750 00:34:07 [whispering] Gone over here."
751 00:34:08 [audience laughs]
752 00:34:09 And if you don't deal with that stuff,it's gonna keep affecting you in ways
753 00:34:13 you are not even conscious of.
754 00:34:14 I realized in therapythat because my mom died young,
755 00:34:17 I have this irrational beliefthat I am also going to die young,
756 00:34:21 so I've been livingin a very intense unhealthy way
757 00:34:24 my entire adult life where I'm like,I can't take a break,
758 00:34:26 I gotta be working all the time,
759 00:34:27 I have to hit these goalsand achievements, otherwise I'm nothing.
760 00:34:30 I got engaged a few years ago'cause I was like,
761 00:34:32 "I gotta get married before I'm dead"
762 00:34:34 which is a super hot way to proposeto somebody.
763 00:34:37 [audience laughs]
764 00:34:38 I call it "The Walk to Remember,"it's kinda my move and…
765 00:34:41 [audience claps]
766 00:34:46 It did not work out with my ex-fiancé.
767 00:34:48 I hate that I have to say that word now.It sounds like a spell, doesn't it?
768 00:34:52 [shouting]Just like, "Ex-fiancé!" It's terrible.
769 00:34:55 [audience laughs]
770 00:34:56 He and I are not friends,
771 00:34:58 not 'cause he's a bad person,he's actually a very good person.
772 00:35:00 I don't know if you've dated someoneright before they find out they're bipolar
773 00:35:04 but it is what is known as"The Lord's work."
774 00:35:06 [audience laughs]
775 00:35:08 I think I was a great partnerif nothing went wrong.
776 00:35:12 If nothing went wrong,I was like, awesome.
777 00:35:15 But if one thing went wrong,
778 00:35:18 total nightmare. Like,
779 00:35:19 I was like those spikes you drive overwhen you're returning a rental car.
780 00:35:24 Like as long as you keep moving forward,everything's great.
781 00:35:27 But if you back up even a little,I will slash all your tires.
782 00:35:31 [audience laughs]
783 00:35:31 And then be like, "What? I put up a sign."
784 00:35:34 [audience laughs]
785 00:35:35 And you're like, "I know, I mean, I know
786 00:35:37 I messed up a little butlike this reaction seems cra…
787 00:35:39 like other speed bumps don't reactlike that." And I'm like,
788 00:35:42 "Then go be with her!"
789 00:35:44 -[audience laughs]-[chuckles]
790 00:35:47 We are not friends, my ex-fiancé and I,
791 00:35:49 because I think it's weirdwhen exes try to be friends
792 00:35:52 with each other and they're like,
793 00:35:53 "We'll hang out, we'll get fro yo."You're like, "Fro yo?
794 00:35:56 I know what you taste like.
795 00:35:58 -I'm not gonna sample yogurt with you,-[audience laughs]
796 00:36:01 you psycho.
797 00:36:03 Do they have Kevin after a run,do they have that flavor at Yogurtland?"
798 00:36:07 They do, it's salted caramel, but still.
799 00:36:10 [audience cheers, claps]
800 00:36:18 I went back homeafter I called off my engagement
801 00:36:21 for whatever holiday doesn't offend youand…
802 00:36:23 [audience laughs]
803 00:36:25 a lot of my friends are settling down.
804 00:36:26 Some of them are just settling, period,end of sentence.
805 00:36:29 [audience laughs]
806 00:36:30 You guys know those couples?
807 00:36:32 Everyone knows one couple like that
808 00:36:33 where like one person in the coupleis way hotter
809 00:36:36 and cooler than the other personin the couple.
810 00:36:38 I like to call those coupleschocolate-covered raisins.
811 00:36:41 [audience laughs]
812 00:36:42 Because you're like sure, you couldput those two together, if you want.
813 00:36:47 [audience laughs]
814 00:36:49 But every time you see them, you're like,"Chocolate, what are you doing?
815 00:36:53 [audience laughs]
816 00:36:54 You could've been with anybody.
817 00:36:55 You could've been with caramel,you could've been with marshmallow,
818 00:36:58 you could've been with peanut butter,who I heard cures depression,
819 00:37:01 [audience laughs]
820 00:37:07 and you want to be with raisin forever?
821 00:37:10 Like, no offense, raisin, you're great,we love you, nature's candy, that's you.
822 00:37:15 But you belong with like oatmeal,like, you know that, right?
823 00:37:19 This doesn't feel good,
824 00:37:20 right? Aren't you scared every day
825 00:37:22 that someone's gonna come alongand suck chocolate right off of you?
826 00:37:26 [audience laughs]
827 00:37:27 I love this joke
828 00:37:28 'cause I like to see couples in theaudience looking at each other like,
829 00:37:30 "Am I chocolate or raisin?
830 00:37:32 [audience laughs]
831 00:37:34 We're both chocolate, right, babe?We're chocolate-covered chocolate?
832 00:37:37 We're like those little Lindor guysin the foil, you know?
833 00:37:40 I'm the creamy part and you're the shell
834 00:37:42 [sobbing] 'cause you're so strong andif you leave me, I'll be a mess."
835 00:37:44 [audience laughs]
836 00:37:54 Some of you are like,"I am oatmeal and I am good with it."
837 00:37:58 [audience laughs]
838 00:38:02 I made the mistake of talkingto my happiest married friend
839 00:38:04 after I called off my engagement,don't do that.
840 00:38:06 Your happiest married friend doesn'tremember what it's like to be heartbroken.
841 00:38:11 She's like,"Well, what are you gonna do now?
842 00:38:12 You're gonna get back out there?Are you seeing anybody?"
843 00:38:14 And I was like, "Nope, just gonna focuson my career for a little bit."
844 00:38:17 And she's like,
845 00:38:18 "Well, why can't you focus on a careerand a relationship at the same time?"
846 00:38:21 -And I was like, "How do I explain this-[audience chuckles]
847 00:38:24 in a way you might understand?
848 00:38:26 [muttering] Why can'tI focus on a career and a relationship?
849 00:38:29 Have you ever been on the freeway
850 00:38:31 in traffic and your lane stopsbut the one next to you keeps moving,
851 00:38:35 so you get in the one that's moving,
852 00:38:36 and as soon as you get in the onethat's moving, that one stops
853 00:38:38 and the one next to youstarts moving again.
854 00:38:39 So you get back in that first one'cause that one's moving now
855 00:38:41 and as soon as you get backin that first one,
856 00:38:42 that one stops againand the one next to you starts moving.
857 00:38:44 And after you go back and forth a few moretimes, at a certain point, you're like,
858 00:38:47 "Okay. Is it fucking me?"
859 00:38:50 [audience laughs]
860 00:39:01 And she's like,"Yeah, I don't know if I get it
861 00:39:02 because you know, John and I,we usually just boop,
862 00:39:05 get in the carpool lane.
863 00:39:06 [audience laughs]
864 00:39:11 And I was like, "Where's your baby?Imma drop it!"
865 00:39:14 [audience laughs]
866 00:39:22 I actually did get intoa new relationship pretty quickly
867 00:39:24 after I called off my engagement.
868 00:39:25 I wasn't trying to, I really wasn't.
869 00:39:27 A lot of my friends were like,"You should stay single for a while.
870 00:39:30 You should maybe get a cat."And I was like, hard pass.
871 00:39:33 I have never left an interactionwith a cat feeling better about who I was.
872 00:39:37 [audience laughs]
873 00:39:38 Every cat reacts to people the way I reactto seeing girls
874 00:39:41 I went to middle school with in a Target.
875 00:39:43 Just like…
876 00:39:44 [audience laughs]
877 00:39:48 [shouts] Oh, no! Like that's every cat.
878 00:39:50 [audience laughs]
879 00:39:51 I don't want to come home to that energy.
880 00:39:53 [audience laughs]
881 00:39:56 But I wasn't looking for a relationship.
882 00:39:57 I was trying to have like a fun,sexy fling
883 00:40:00 which doesn't usually go great for me
884 00:40:01 because I have this round wholesome face
885 00:40:03 that people thinkthey should build a life with.
886 00:40:05 [audience laughs]
887 00:40:06 Every time I'm like, "We could bone orwhatever." Guys are like, "No, I'm alright
888 00:40:09 but you could meet my mom,do you want to do that?
889 00:40:11 You seem like you'd be betterat meeting my mom than having sex."
890 00:40:14 -And they are not wrong, alright?-[audience laughs]
891 00:40:16 I will meet your mom all night long.
892 00:40:19 Moms like me so much for no reason.
893 00:40:20 I was dating a guy years ago, we weretotally on the rocks having problems,
894 00:40:24 and I went to lunch with his momhoping to get some advice,
895 00:40:26 and halfway through lunch,she puts her hand on my hand
896 00:40:28 and goes, "You know, Taylor,my son's a lot like his father.
897 00:40:32 [audience chuckles]
898 00:40:32 And if I could go back in time,
899 00:40:35 [audience laughs]
900 00:40:38 I don't knowthat I'd marry his father again."
901 00:40:42 [audience laughs]
902 00:40:45 [audience laughs]
903 00:40:49 And I was like, "Are you saving my lifein this Panera Bread right now?"
904 00:40:53 [audience laughs]
905 00:40:54 It was like a movie whenan older character sacrifices themselves
906 00:40:58 for the good of the journey,like she Gandalfed me.
907 00:41:00 She was like, "Fly, you fool!"
908 00:41:02 [audience laughs]
909 00:41:09 She was a bad mom and a bad wifebut such a good friend,
910 00:41:13 -oh my God! Hoes before sons, am I right?-[audience laughs]
911 00:41:17 I think about her every day.
912 00:41:21 And my boyfriend wasn't lookingfor a relationship either
913 00:41:24 when we met,straight dudes usually aren't, you know.
914 00:41:26 Women are surprisedwhen they find a guy who can make them cum
915 00:41:29 and straight dudes are surprised whenthey find a girl
916 00:41:31 who can make themfeel genuine feelings in their heart.
917 00:41:34 Like women are like,"He got me off three times."
918 00:41:37 And guys are like, [in low voice] "I mean,
919 00:41:40 I just fucking like her, dude.
920 00:41:42 [audience laughs]
921 00:41:48 [in low voice] Like we talked all day,I didn't want to hit her, it was nuts!
922 00:41:51 [audience laughs]
923 00:41:52 She's just like my friend. I don't know,I want to like lick her heart, I think."
924 00:41:57 [audience laughs]
925 00:41:59 Straight dudes are so proud of themselvesfor falling in love. It's really cute.
926 00:42:03 They're like, [in low voice] "I love you.
927 00:42:05 Hell yeah, buddy,I knew you could get there."
928 00:42:08 [audience laughs]
929 00:42:09 Women fall in love,we're like, "I love you.
930 00:42:12 [whispering]Fucking again? You dumb bitch.
931 00:42:14 [audience laughs]
932 00:42:15 You were supposed to love you first,
933 00:42:17 -you keep skipping that part!-[audience laughs]
934 00:42:19 It is eat, pray, then love!
935 00:42:21 [audience laughs]
936 00:42:22 Oh my God. It's okay, we'll try againin a year and a half."
937 00:42:26 [audience laughs]
938 00:42:33 My boyfriend is seven years older than me
939 00:42:35 'cause I needed to get backon my dad for some stuff.
940 00:42:37 [audience laughs]
941 00:42:39 Older guys are just better.
942 00:42:41 They're just better, you neverhave to ask them to buy Pepto Bismol,
943 00:42:44 -they just have it in the house.-[audience laughs]
944 00:42:46 They pull it out after dinnerlike a nightcap,
945 00:42:48 like, "You want some pink juice,baby girl?"
946 00:42:49 You're like, "Yes, I would, cheers."
947 00:42:51 [audience laughs]
948 00:42:52 Older guys don't callyou things like "cute" or "hot."
949 00:42:55 They call you things like"stunning, gorgeous," shit with syllables,
950 00:42:58 things that would take a 20-something guya little while to settle down.
951 00:43:02 [audience laughs]
952 00:43:03 And older guys aren't like, cuteor hot either. You know, they're handsome,
953 00:43:07 distinguished, like old pictures of yourgrandpa you shouldn't look at too long.
954 00:43:10 [audience laughs]
955 00:43:16 You ever find one of thosein an old dusty box?
956 00:43:18 You're like, "Who is that?
957 00:43:20 -Oh, that's wrong. Okay."-[audience laughs]
958 00:43:23 They're not your familyin those pictures yet.
959 00:43:25 They're just the past, it is a gray area.
960 00:43:28 [audience laughs]
961 00:43:30 Oh, I'll get weirder.
962 00:43:31 You ever see a picture of your parentswhen they were young and hot?
963 00:43:33 And you get like weirdly mad
964 00:43:35 'cause you knowthey would've never dated you?
965 00:43:38 [audience laughs]
966 00:43:39 I saw a picture of my dadin college football once.
967 00:43:42 I didn't talk to him for three weeks.
968 00:43:43 I'm like, "You would've left me at adrive-in, you Danny Zuko piece of shit!"
969 00:43:46 [audience laughs]
970 00:43:50 He's like, "What?" I'm like,"I can't hug you for a year
971 00:43:52 and I don't want to talk about it."
972 00:43:53 [audience laughs]
973 00:43:56 It's always awkward gettinginto a new relationship, though,
974 00:43:58 especially right afteryou called off an engagement
975 00:44:00 because you don't feel like you can sayany cheesy romantic crap ever again.
976 00:44:04 Even if you feel it, you just feel likeyou're a jinx.
977 00:44:07 So when the next person is like,"I wanna be with you forever."
978 00:44:09 You're like,"Oh, wouldn't that be something?
979 00:44:12 [audience laughs]
980 00:44:14 I can't… I can't use the F-word anymore
981 00:44:16 but I just need to buildmy credit back up but…
982 00:44:20 -[audience laughs]-samesies, bro, for sure."
983 00:44:24 New relationships are awkward
984 00:44:25 'cause you gotta tell a wholenew person what you like in bed
985 00:44:28 and the only reason you knowwhat you like in bed
986 00:44:29 is 'cause someoneelse did it to you first.
987 00:44:31 -[audience laughs]-But you can't say it like that, right?
988 00:44:34 You gotta do thatcute little tap dance of like,
989 00:44:35 "Oh, babe, you know what would be so fun
990 00:44:38 that's never even occurred to me before?"
991 00:44:40 "You know what your bodyis inspiring me to do right now?"
992 00:44:44 But in your head, you're just like,
993 00:44:45 -"Do it like Craig. Could you just…"-[audience laughs]
994 00:44:48 "Do it how Craig did it every time?"
995 00:44:51 "Craig didn't do shit right,he did that right, let me tell you."
996 00:44:53 "Can we just call him?"
997 00:44:55 -"Can we just call him and ask?"-[audience laughs]
998 00:44:57 "It's not a big deal,we're all adults here."
999 00:45:00 "Rememberwe reset the Wi-Fi router last month?"
1000 00:45:02 "It's just like that, babe. He's justa voice on the phone with the password."
1001 00:45:05 -[audience laughs]-"That's all he is to me now."
1002 00:45:10 "No, I did block his numberwhen you asked me to, of course I did."
1003 00:45:13 "But when you block a number,
1004 00:45:14 your phone kinda just savesit in a different folder."
1005 00:45:17 [audience laughs]
1006 00:45:19 Oh, some of us are gonna fight in the car,not everybody knew that.
1007 00:45:23 [audience laughs]
1008 00:45:25 You have to be able to talk aboutwhat you like in bed
1009 00:45:27 and you have to knowwhat you can and can't say,
1010 00:45:30 alright? Like I've been telling guys foryears I like it a little rougher in bed.
1011 00:45:34 I don't say it like that, I say like,
1012 00:45:35 -"Oh, I'm damaged," you know.-[audience laughs]
1013 00:45:38 If you're a straight guy, don't say that.
1014 00:45:40 If a straight dude's like,[in low voice] "I'm damaged,"
1015 00:45:42 fucking run! That guy…
1016 00:45:44 that guy wants your toes in a baggy. So…
1017 00:45:47 [audience laughs]
1018 00:45:50 Sometimes you think you like somethingand you don't.
1019 00:45:52 I thought I like dirty talk, turns out,
1020 00:45:54 I just like dirty phraseswe agreed upon earlier.
1021 00:45:58 [audience laughs]
1022 00:45:59 You ever tell someone you like dirty talk
1023 00:46:00 and then they hit youwith something in bed
1024 00:46:02 and you're like, "Nah,that was not approved by corporate, no."
1025 00:46:05 [audience laughs]
1026 00:46:09 I was having sex with a guy once,I was on top and he just went,
1027 00:46:12 [shouting] "Look at you!"
1028 00:46:14 [audience laughs]
1029 00:46:27 [audience laughs, cheers]
1030 00:46:42 -Like I was taking my first steps.-[audience laughs]
1031 00:46:47 I'm like,"You better get the camcorder, daddy,
1032 00:46:50 'cause I am never getting up here again."
1033 00:46:52 [audience laughs]
1034 00:46:54 My parents don't watch medo stand-up anymore, don't worry.
1035 00:46:57 [audience laughs]
1036 00:46:58 Don't worry, they're not interested.
1037 00:46:59 No Christian parents wantto watch their daughter
1038 00:47:01 talk about depression and dickfor an hour. It's not fun for them.
1039 00:47:04 [audience laughs]
1040 00:47:07 My parents don't havea dark sense of humor
1041 00:47:10 and I do, and I'm glad I do because
1042 00:47:12 if you can laugh at the darkest stuffthat's ever happened to you
1043 00:47:15 while it's stillactively happening to you,
1044 00:47:18 sometimes that's what gets you through it.For example,
1045 00:47:21 here's a joke they will not like.
1046 00:47:23 [audience laughs]
1047 00:47:25 Did you guys know that sometimeswhen you call a suicide hotline
1048 00:47:29 and the call drops,they do not call you back?
1049 00:47:32 [audience laughs]
1050 00:47:34 Yeah, you thinkthat'd be the time for star 69
1051 00:47:37 but sometimes they just ring a bellin the cubicle,
1052 00:47:39 like, "Lost another one, that's lunch!"
1053 00:47:41 [audience laughs]
1054 00:47:43 Some of you are tensing up like,"Did that really happen?" Yeah,
1055 00:47:46 a few years agoand it was fucking hilarious.
1056 00:47:49 I was on the floor of a DoubleTree Hotel,
1057 00:47:51 like, "Did this bitch just ghost me whileI'm trying to ghost myself?"
1058 00:47:55 -"That is…"-[audience laughs]
1059 00:47:56 "I mean, I've been left on read,I've never been left for dead."
1060 00:47:59 "That's a new one."
1061 00:48:00 -[audience laughs]-"That is brutal."
1062 00:48:03 I wasn't even mad. For all I know,that's how they train those volunteers.
1063 00:48:06 Like, "Hey, some nights,
1064 00:48:08 -we get too many calls.-[audience laughs]
1065 00:48:11 Fridays are big for us,in those situations,
1066 00:48:14 you're just gonna have to useyour best judgment,
1067 00:48:17 alright? Like I usually waitfor like a privileged white girl name,
1068 00:48:21 like a Chelsea, a Kelsey, a Taylor.
1069 00:48:23 Those are the salmon I throw backand hope they swim upstream on their own."
1070 00:48:27 [audience laughs]
1071 00:48:31 Even if I was mad, what am I gonna do,hop on Yelp? Like,
1072 00:48:34 "One star, totally killed myself.
1073 00:48:37 [audience laughs]
1074 00:48:41 You're gonna wish I killed myselfafter this review."
1075 00:48:43 [audience laughs]
1076 00:48:45 I did that joke in Texas a few weeks ago
1077 00:48:47 and there was a girl, white, my agein the crowd who goes,
1078 00:48:50 [shouting]"And the wait times are ridiculous!"
1079 00:48:53 [audience laughs]
1080 00:48:58 And she's right, okay? I think,
1081 00:49:00 personally,I think if you are a frequent caller,
1082 00:49:03 there should besome sort of rewards program.
1083 00:49:05 You know,like when you show loyalty to an airline.
1084 00:49:08 Like, you should beable to do that with suicide hotlines
1085 00:49:10 where you call in and they're like,
1086 00:49:11 [in robotic voice]"Please enter your rewards number."
1087 00:49:13 Boop, boop, boop.
1088 00:49:14 "Welcome back… [sobbing] Taylor.
1089 00:49:17 [audience laughs]
1090 00:49:24 Thank youfor your diamond medallion status.
1091 00:49:27 You are now third in line.
1092 00:49:30 Would you like to use an upgradeand kick someone else out?
1093 00:49:34 [audience laughs]
1094 00:49:43 My parents are still very, very religious.
1095 00:49:47 My dad was so religious growing up,
1096 00:49:48 he used to insist on praying out loudin restaurants before we ate dinner,
1097 00:49:51 which is fine if you're into thatbut keep it short.
1098 00:49:54 -[audience laughs]-He wouldn't do that.
1099 00:49:55 He would do long,drawn-out prayers full of personal details
1100 00:49:59 that none of us signed off on at the table
1101 00:50:01 which made puberty pretty roughwith your dad in public just like,
1102 00:50:04 "Thank you Lord for this food.Thank you for bringing us here together.
1103 00:50:07 [shouting]Thank you that Taylor's a woman now
1104 00:50:09 and is getting the help she needsin math." I'm like,
1105 00:50:12 "Can you not tell this Chipotlethat I'm bleeding and can't subtract?
1106 00:50:16 [audience laughs]
1107 00:50:19 I think God knows."
1108 00:50:22 It's why I don't feel bad telling jokes
1109 00:50:24 about my parents on stage now'cause anytime they're like,
1110 00:50:26 "Do you have to air our dirty laundryin front of strangers?"
1111 00:50:29 I'm like, "Hometown Buffet, 1998.
1112 00:50:32 [audience laughs]
1113 00:50:34 You told everyonewithin a five-booth radius
1114 00:50:36 that I shat my pants the night before.
1115 00:50:38 [audience laughs]
1116 00:50:40 -I can say whatever I want.-[audience laughs]
1117 00:50:45 I'm not religious anymore.
1118 00:50:47 I have had some friends find religion asadults recently which is very upsetting.
1119 00:50:51 -[inhales deeply]-[audience laughs]
1120 00:50:52 If you grew up religious andyou're not anymore and your adult friends
1121 00:50:56 find religion, it feels like Godis your shitty ex-boyfriend
1122 00:51:00 who's now getting it togetherfor your friend
1123 00:51:02 and you just have to watch it happenon Facebook.
1124 00:51:06 They're like,"Have you met God? He's amazing."
1125 00:51:08 I'm like, "Yeah, I grew up with God,he's a douchebag, alright?
1126 00:51:12 Did he tell you you were brokenand you need him?
1127 00:51:15 -That's his move. That's what he does.-[audience laughs]
1128 00:51:18 He says that to everybody.
1129 00:51:20 Don't drink what he gives you.You drink that, the next thing you know,
1130 00:51:23 you're eating his body, the holy spirit'sinside you, it's a whole system they have
1131 00:51:26 -over at that frat house they call church.-[audience laughs]
1132 00:51:30 -Who else uses Roman numerals?"-[audience laughs]
1133 00:51:35 That joke makes it soundlike I resent my religious upbringing
1134 00:51:38 and I do, so I nailed it. But…
1135 00:51:40 [audience cheers, claps]
1136 00:51:46 No, honestly,if I had to come up with some stuff
1137 00:51:50 that was like positiveabout my growing up religious,
1138 00:51:52 I'm sure I could with enough timeand money but…
1139 00:51:55 [audience laughs]
1140 00:51:56 I do have some issues with it.It gave me some serious trust issues
1141 00:52:00 and it just made me weird,growing up in church,
1142 00:52:03 in ways that I am still discovering.
1143 00:52:05 For example, I just found outthat I masturbate wrong.
1144 00:52:08 [audience laughs]
1145 00:52:09 I will back up. Okay, so…
1146 00:52:11 [audience laughs]
1147 00:52:14 When I was growing up in church,
1148 00:52:16 kids had youth group and at youth group,they were like,
1149 00:52:18 "Don't have sex." And we were like,"For sure, for sure."
1150 00:52:21 And then, they were like,"Don't even masturbate."
1151 00:52:24 And all the girls were like, "Okay,we didn't even know that we could."
1152 00:52:27 -[audience laughs]-And all the boys were like, "Why?"
1153 00:52:30 -And…-[audience laughs]
1154 00:52:33 the way they explained it to us was,
1155 00:52:36 our youth pastor told us, he goes,
1156 00:52:37 "It's not the physical act of masturbatingthat's the sin, you guys, alright?
1157 00:52:41 It's not even the orgasm.In fact, if you have a wet dream,
1158 00:52:43 thank God for the freebieand have an awesome day.
1159 00:52:46 [audience laughs]
1160 00:52:47 But what are you thinking aboutwhile you're doing that to yourself, guys?
1161 00:52:52 [scattered laughs]
1162 00:52:54 That's what the sin is.
1163 00:52:56 It's the lust in your heart.
1164 00:52:58 It's the impure thoughts in your head.
1165 00:53:01 That is what the sin is."
1166 00:53:03 So when I got to be an adult and I wantedto masturbate, I was like, "Well,
1167 00:53:08 if I just don't think about anything,
1168 00:53:10 [audience laughs]
1169 00:53:16 I could probably still go to heaven,right?
1170 00:53:18 Just like, clear your mind, get in there,get it done,
1171 00:53:22 -see you soon, Jesus, right?-[audience laughs]
1172 00:53:25 Touch nothing but the lamb."
1173 00:53:27 [audience laughs]
1174 00:53:31 [audience claps, cheers]
1175 00:53:35 So I've been doing thismy entire adult life.
1176 00:53:38 All my friends are like, "You gottameditate." I'm like, "I think I do."
1177 00:53:41 [audience laughs]
1178 00:53:43 And I do mean my entire adult life,
1179 00:53:45 by the way. I did not masturbateuntil I was a grown woman.
1180 00:53:47 I was that afraid of going to hell,alright?
1181 00:53:50 Yeah. I had my first orgasmwith my college boyfriend.
1182 00:53:53 Do you know how embarrassing that is toget your first orgasm from another person?
1183 00:53:57 That's like having a realtorshow you your own house.
1184 00:54:01 [audience laughs]
1185 00:54:03 They're like, "And over here,we have a second bathroom."
1186 00:54:05 -You're like, "A second bathroom?"-[audience laughs]
1187 00:54:08 "You've been here for 19 years,
1188 00:54:10 you never went poking around on your own?"
1189 00:54:12 You're like, "I did oncebut I thought Jesus would get mad,
1190 00:54:15 -[audience laughs]-so yeah, I don't actually own this place,
1191 00:54:17 I'm just renting it from the guy upstairs,and…
1192 00:54:20 if I flood the basement, I do not
1193 00:54:22 get my security deposit back, so…
1194 00:54:24 [audience laughs]
1195 00:54:27 Is there anything else I should seewhile you're here?"
1196 00:54:29 She's like, "Yeah, let meshow you the doorbell."
1197 00:54:31 I'm like,"Oh, is the doorbell even important?"
1198 00:54:32 She's like, "The doorbellis the only thing that matters.
1199 00:54:36 [audience laughs, claps]
1200 00:54:40 Nobody comes insidewithout touching the doorbell."
1201 00:54:43 [audience laughs]
1202 00:54:49 "Oh, but I did touch it."
1203 00:54:50 "You didn'tuse enough pressure, it didn't light up."
1204 00:54:52 [audience laughs]
1205 00:54:56 So I've been masturbating like thismy entire adult life
1206 00:54:59 and I recently mentioned itto a friend of mine
1207 00:55:01 and you ever say something out loudand realize you never should have ever?
1208 00:55:04 [audience laughs]
1209 00:55:05 I said it so casually over brunch,didn't even think about it. I was like,
1210 00:55:08 "Oh yeah, I mean, I don't thinkabout anything while I do that."
1211 00:55:10 And she was like, "What?"She put her fork down. "What?
1212 00:55:13 [audience laughs]
1213 00:55:15 You don't think about anything?"And I was like,
1214 00:55:17 "Oh, no,I mean, I think some stuff, obviously.
1215 00:55:20 And she was like,"What do you think about?"
1216 00:55:21 And I was like, "Oh, you know, just like,'almost there, making good time.'
1217 00:55:26 [audience laughs]
1218 00:55:29 You know, just like road trip thoughts,like…
1219 00:55:31 'keep your hands steady,don't fall asleep.
1220 00:55:34 Can't wait to get there so I can eat.
1221 00:55:36 [audience laughs]
1222 00:55:37 Better hurry up, Taco Bell's gonna close,'you know."
1223 00:55:40 [audience laughs]
1224 00:55:45 And she was like,"That is so weird, Taylor,
1225 00:55:47 why don't you just watch pornlike a normal person?"
1226 00:55:50 And I was like, "Ugh, I don't like porn."
1227 00:55:52 Every time I try to watch porn,I'm just like,
1228 00:55:53 "You gotta shave there, too?
1229 00:55:55 -[audience laughs]-I'm tired and I'm cold."
1230 00:55:58 And I'm not against porn, okay?I'm not one of these people that's like,
1231 00:56:01 "If you watch porn,it will ruin your relationship."
1232 00:56:03 I don't feel that way, alright?
1233 00:56:04 I dated a guy oncewho was really into massage porn
1234 00:56:07 where the masseuse would like fucktheir client at the end
1235 00:56:09 which means sometimes when we had sex,
1236 00:56:11 I get a massage!
1237 00:56:13 [audience laughs, cheers]
1238 00:56:18 That's an example of porn working for you!
1239 00:56:22 [audience laughs]
1240 00:56:24 But my friend was like horrified.She was like, "Taylor,
1241 00:56:27 -this like monk masturbation thing you do,-[audience laughs]
1242 00:56:30 it is so much creepier and weirder
1243 00:56:33 than any porn I've ever seenand I've seen most of it."
1244 00:56:37 [audience laughs]
1245 00:56:38 And she goes, "There are so many differentoptions porn-wise on the internet now,
1246 00:56:41 you… just go home and Google'porn for women' okay?
1247 00:56:46 Just do it, I promise, 'porn for women.'"
1248 00:56:48 And so I went homeand I googled porn for women
1249 00:56:51 so I wouldn't be weird at brunch.
1250 00:56:53 [audience laughs]
1251 00:56:59 And a lot of surprising things came upwhen I googled it.
1252 00:57:02 First thing that came upwhen I googled porn for women
1253 00:57:04 was a link to Disney Pluswhere all the Avengers movies are.
1254 00:57:06 -Now…-[audience laughs]
1255 00:57:08 For me, personally, they jump aroundtoo much. There's too many storylines.
1256 00:57:12 You're almost there with Loki and nowwe're on Captain America? It's like,
1257 00:57:15 I have to start over.
1258 00:57:16 That's a different speed, a differentpressure and now there's a raccoon?
1259 00:57:19 -No.-[audience laughs]
1260 00:57:22 The second thing that came upwhen I googled porn for women
1261 00:57:26 was a website where real-life couples
1262 00:57:28 are uploading amateur sex tapes. Yeah,
1263 00:57:31 real-life couples are like,"Hey, we're so happy and in love,
1264 00:57:35 we thought that we would film ourselvesmaking love
1265 00:57:40 and then put it online for you,a lonely person.
1266 00:57:44 -[audience laughs]-Is it working? Are you wet?"
1267 00:57:47 And you're like,"Not in the right place, no.
1268 00:57:49 [audience laughs]
1269 00:57:51 But congratulations,what you have seems really special."
1270 00:57:54 [audience laughs]
1271 00:57:55 The last thing that came upwhen I googled porn for women
1272 00:57:58 I did not know existed,it's something called audio porn.
1273 00:58:01 It's exactly what it sounds like.There's no visual aspect, it's all audio.
1274 00:58:04 It's not really a porn star,it's more like a porn voice actor
1275 00:58:07 talking you through a sexy situation.
1276 00:58:09 It's like a podcastexcept don't listen while you're driving.
1277 00:58:13 [audience laughs]
1278 00:58:15 And because it's "for women,"that just means there's a story, right?
1279 00:58:19 -Anyone can watch, they don't check.-[audience laughs]
1280 00:58:22 They don't just hop on the mic like,
1281 00:58:23 [shouting]"Now it's out, bitch!" Like they
1282 00:58:26 ease you into it.
1283 00:58:28 And so the one I found is 20 minutes long.
1284 00:58:33 I will send it to you if you DM me.
1285 00:58:35 [audience laughs]
1286 00:58:37 And the first 12 minutes,
1287 00:58:40 the story, is just a man calming you down
1288 00:58:46 [audience laughs]
1289 00:58:48 after you've been in a car wreck.
1290 00:58:52 [audience laughs]
1291 00:58:59 That is the foreplay.
1292 00:59:01 [audience laughs]
1293 00:59:03 And you guys, I came so hard. I…
1294 00:59:07 [audience laughs, claps]
1295 00:59:09 I mean,
1296 00:59:12 I didn't even make it to the sex part.
1297 00:59:14 It was the comfort alone.
1298 00:59:16 He's like, "It's okay,take some deep breaths, don't worry."
1299 00:59:19 "The insurance companieswill figure it out."
1300 00:59:22 I'm like, "Oh my God, that's right!"
1301 00:59:24 [shouting] "That's why we have insurance!"
1302 00:59:26 By the time he was like, "What elsecan I do? Should I go down on you?"
1303 00:59:30 I was like, "Nah, man, I got Allstate,I'm in good hands."
1304 00:59:33 [audience laughs]
1305 00:59:35 Thank you so much, Boston,you were absolutely amazing.
1306 00:59:38 -[audience cheers]-Thank you so much.
1307 00:59:41 I can't tell you, I really appreciate you.Thank you.
1308 00:59:44 -[upbeat music]-[audience cheers]
1309 00:59:47 You guys were amazing.Thank you so much, seriously.
1310 00:59:49 [audience claps, cheers]
1311 01:00:40 [upbeat music continues]
