黄阿丽：风流女子 Ali Wong: Don Wong(2022)(CN/EN)Subtitles
| SRT Subtitles download |
1 00:00:08 女士们 先生们 大家好 掌声响起来Ladies
2 00:00:11 有请黄艾丽出场！Please welcome to the stage Ali Wong!
3 00:00:37 大家好啊！Hi
4 00:00:43 我们爱你 艾丽！We love you
5 00:00:45 谢谢Thank you.
6 00:00:52 我非常羡慕嫉妒恨You know
7 00:00:59 当一个男人that when a man finds
8 00:01:01 在喜剧方面获得了一丝丝主流的成就any ounce of mainstream success in comedy
9 00:01:06 他们就能去跟模特、they get to date models
10 00:01:11 女演员和流行歌手约会了actresses
11 00:01:15 我的一位好朋友可以说是世界顶尖的One of my dear friends is arguably one of the top stand-up comics
12 00:01:21 单口喜剧演员之一in the world.
13 00:01:23 在过去一年半里And for the past year and a half
14 00:01:26 她一直在约会…she's been dating
15 00:01:29 一个魔术师a magician.
16 00:01:39 我说：“好啦 我不是吐槽你 姐们儿I was like
17 00:01:42 但他至少是一位不错的魔术师吧？”but is he at least
18 00:01:48 “他在魔术界的成就"Is he
19 00:01:51 能跟你在单口喜剧界的成就 相提并论吧？”like how you are one of the best stand-up comedians?"
20 00:01:55 我在点评网上搜索那哥们儿了 他只有两颗星I looked that dude up on Yelp
21 00:02:01 成为顶尖的单口喜剧女演员 只能换来这种成就That's what being one of the best female stand-up comics will achieve you.
22 00:02:05 一个“垃圾”魔术师A "ain't shit" magician.
23 00:02:09 因为啊 作为一名女性 如果你有钱、有权、受人尊重See
24 00:02:14 你的浪漫选择并不会增加your romantic options do not expand.
25 00:02:20 反而会减少！They decline!
26 00:02:23 有人跟我说 那是因为男人们Now
27 00:02:27 面对有钱有权受人尊重的女人 会感到威胁by women with money
28 00:02:30 你觉得你身上会发生什么事儿啊？What do you think is going to happen to you
29 00:02:33 你觉得你的老二会被恶意收购吗？You think your dick is gonna get acquired in a hostile takeover?
30 00:02:40 我敢说 这间剧院里的大多数男人I bet most men in this theater
31 00:02:43 都从来没有过have never
32 00:02:46 被赚钱比你更多的女人口交过by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.
33 00:02:50 我跟你们说呀And let me tell you something.
34 00:02:51 那样爽极了 好吗？It is spectacular
35 00:02:54 真的It is.
36 00:02:57 真的It is.
37 00:03:02 为什么会不爽呢？Why wouldn't it be?
38 00:03:03 如果她有能力 去赢得金钱、权力和尊重If she got the skills to earn money
39 00:03:08 你不觉得她们的模式识别能力 也更强大吗？you don't think she got good pattern recognition?
40 00:03:13 那些技能都是互通的Those skills transfer.
41 00:03:18 你应该觉得自己很幸运You should feel so lucky
42 00:03:21 受宠若惊 三生有幸 承蒙恩典so flattered
43 00:03:24 如果你有机会享受if you ever had the opportunity to get your dick sucked
44 00:03:28 一个赚钱比你多得多的女人给你口交by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.
45 00:03:33 因为这位重要的女士Because out of all the things
46 00:03:35 本来可以用她的宝贵时间 去做很多事的…this important woman could be doing with her valuable time…
47 00:03:44 是的Yeah.
48 00:03:47 她有各种责任All of her responsibilities
49 00:03:49 各种有趣的机会和交易 都在等着她all the interesting opportunities and deals knocking at her door
50 00:03:54 但是她没有理睬but no.
51 00:03:55 她选择跪下来She chose to get on her knees
52 00:03:58 用嘴裹着你那年薪四万的老二…and stick your $40
53 00:04:08 还是在你的丰田雅力士小车里in your Toyota Yaris.
54 00:04:16 但是没有 完全没有But no. None of you
55 00:04:19 这里没有一个男人知道not a single man in here knows what it's like
56 00:04:23 颜射百万富翁是什么感觉to cum on the face of a millionaire.
57 00:04:29 当然 是有人给你口交过Sure
58 00:04:32 但你在伟大的美国头脑上面射过吗？But have you ejaculated onto a great American mind?
59 00:04:39 你的精子在大佬的眼睛里游过吗？Has your sperm swam in the eyes of an icon?
60 00:04:47 你被时代领袖深喉过吗？Have you been deep-throated by a voice of a generation?
61 00:04:51 我觉得没有！I don't think so!
62 00:04:58 在座各位男士不太可能…It's highly unlikely that any man in here…
63 00:05:03 好吧 是在座的直男不太可能Well
64 00:05:07 知道颜射百万富翁是什么感觉knows what it's like to cum on the face of a millionaire.
65 00:05:13 首先 有多少白手起家的 女性百万富翁呢？First of all
66 00:05:18 然后在那群人里And then out of that pool
67 00:05:20 又有多少人会让你射在她们脸上？how many of them gonna let you cum on their face?
68 00:05:23 算上我一共就仨人 好吗？There's three of us
69 00:05:27 是的 虽然我不知道另外俩人是谁Yeah
70 00:05:29 你觉得艾伦会让你射在她脸上吗？You think Ellen gonna let you cum on her face?
71 00:05:32 你觉得奥普拉会让你去蒙特西托 践踏她的蔬菜吗？You think Oprah gonna let you go to Montecito and stomp on all her vegetables?
72 00:05:47 我超爱I love
73 00:05:50 被人射在脸上to get cummed on
74 00:05:55 心甘情愿I do.
75 00:05:58 因为那样很污Because it's so nasty
76 00:06:00 又很轻松and is so easy.
77 00:06:02 太轻松了 尤其是跟口交相比It is so easy
78 00:06:07 口交使人精疲力尽which is so physically taxing.
79 00:06:11 呛到窒息 眼泪横流The choking
80 00:06:14 如果你真想让他高潮 还得加上拧胡椒粉的动作And if you really want to keep it 100
81 00:06:19 不能停 你知道吗？A lot
82 00:06:34 每次我去做深层组织按摩 按摩师都会问我：Whenever I get a deep tissue massage
83 00:06:40 “你是整天都坐在电脑前工作吗？”"Do you sit and work at a computer all day?"
84 00:06:46 我说：“不是的 我昨晚帮人口交了”I'm like
85 00:06:48 “现在我不能往左边看了”"Now I can't look to the left."
86 00:06:59 除了身体上的疲惫So in addition to all of that labor
87 00:07:03 口交时 你还得会装 假装很投入when you suck dick
88 00:07:10 你必须讲各种谎言You have to tell all of these lies.
89 00:07:13 “这是我尝过的最大的鸡巴”"This is the biggest dick I've ever had in my mouth."
90 00:07:16 “太喜欢给你口交了 我下面都湿了”"I love sucking your cock. It makes my pussy so wet."
91 00:07:20 “真好吃哟！”"Yummy!"
92 00:07:35 但你必须说瞎话But you have to tell the lies
93 00:07:38 才能让男人快点完事to make the man cum faster.
94 00:07:50 谎言能让你自由！The lies will set you free!
95 00:08:03 但当你被颜射以后But then when you get cummed on on the face
96 00:08:06 作为女人 你唯一要做的your only job as the woman
97 00:08:08 就是做出一副很狂热的表情is to make an enthusiastic expression.
98 00:08:14 当然你还有一个任务And then your other assignment
99 00:08:17 就是不要笑出来…is to not laugh…
100 00:08:22 当一个成年男人跨站在你的肋腔前while this grown-ass man is straddling your rib cage
101 00:08:27 他俯视着你 你仰视着他he looking down at you
102 00:08:30 从这个不讨喜的角度and you see him from this very unflattering angle
103 00:08:33 你会看到他的赫特人贾巴同款双下巴 你们知道吗？where he got that Jabba the Hutt double chin
104 00:08:39 他彻底被圣灵附体了He all possessed by the Holy Spirit.
105 00:08:42 “快看我 妈妈 注意看我 快看我！”"Look at me
106 00:09:09 尤其是年轻小伙子Young men in particular
107 00:09:12 他们不喜欢女人有钱有权受人尊重they don't like women with money
108 00:09:16 因为他们知道 不能向那样的女人发号施令because they know you can't tell that kind of woman what to do.
109 00:09:25 年轻小伙子喜欢淡定的女人Young men want a woman that's chill.
110 00:09:29 伴侣的这种性格值得他们追求和夸耀That's a quality in a partner that they seek out and brag about.
111 00:09:34 “哥们儿 我新交的女朋友”"Bro
112 00:09:36 “她特别淡定”"She's so chill."
113 00:09:38 “她根本不在乎我是做什么的 因为她超淡定”"She doesn't give a fuck about what I do 'cause she's chill."
114 00:09:43 “我对她做什么都可以 因为她的内心已死”"She lets me do whatever I want 'cause she's dead inside."
115 00:09:47 “她很淡定”"She's chill."
116 00:09:49 “她就像一具长着大咪咪的尸体 简直无敌了”"She's like a corpse with tits. It's awesome."
117 00:09:51 “她很淡定”"She's chill."
118 00:09:56 我从没想过跟淡定的男人约会I have never
119 00:10:04 因为淡定不能当钱花'Cause chill don't pay the bills.
120 00:10:14 我的侄子已经25岁了 他正在跟一位建筑师约会My nephew is 25 years old
121 00:10:19 天啊 她非常聪明 风趣幽默My goodness
122 00:10:24 事业有成 魅力无限successful
123 00:10:27 我们都希望 他们早日成婚and we all hope that he marries her one day.
124 00:10:30 但周初的时候 他打电话跟我说： “你知道吗 艾丽姑妈But he called me up earlier this week and he was like
125 00:10:34 我觉得我要跟她分手了”I think I'mma break up with her."
126 00:10:37 “是的 因为工作中 她是领导"Yeah
127 00:10:39 所以她觉得 回到家里 依然可以对我呼来喝去”and so she thinks it's okay to come home and boss me around."
128 00:10:46 我说：“哦”I was like
129 00:10:50 “好吧"Well
130 00:10:53 反正这种事总会发生在你身上的”that shit's gonna happen to you no matter what."
131 00:11:03 “不管她是不是领导 有没有工作"Whether she a boss
132 00:11:07 只要你结婚生子了once you get married and have kids
133 00:11:10 你的妻子就会对你呼来喝去的”your wife gonna boss you around."
134 00:11:13 “如果你看过《房屋猎人》 你就会知道了”"And you would know that if you watched House Hunters."
135 00:11:21 《房屋猎人》 是美国家园频道的一档节目House Hunters is a show on HGTV
136 00:11:25 在节目里 一对夫妇where a couple
137 00:11:27 假装他们要一起做一个决定pretends that there's a decision to be made together.
138 00:11:36 他们假模假样地去看三栋不同的房子And they go on this fake-ass journey looking at three different houses
139 00:11:41 观众那边还充满悬念呢and the audience is meant to be left in suspense.
140 00:11:44 “他们会选哪栋房子呢？”"Which house are they gonna choose?"
141 00:11:50 就看芭芭拉一开始 想要的是哪栋了 好吗？It's whichever one Barbara wanted in the first place
142 00:11:56 芭芭拉住在爱达荷州的博伊西And Barbara
143 00:12:00 或是住在美国家园频道节目组的 其他什么鬼拍摄地or wherever the fuck these HGTV shows are filmed
144 00:12:05 那种地价一平米才一美金多的地方…where houses cost $5
145 00:12:13 芭芭拉没钱没权也没声望Barbara
146 00:12:18 但芭芭拉是一个女人But Barbara is a woman
147 00:12:20 所有女人都很擅长and all women are very good
148 00:12:24 让别人堵心…at being extremely unpleasant…
149 00:12:29 擅长用你的幸福和自尊为筹码and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage
150 00:12:34 直到得到我们应得的 好吗？until we get what we fucking deserve
151 00:12:37 是的Yes.
152 00:12:42 那是我们进化出的一种超能力That is a superpower that we evolved
153 00:12:45 用来弥补我们挣钱能力的不足to compensate for our lack of earning potential.
154 00:12:50 反正你也不能对女人指手划脚You can't tell any woman what to do
155 00:12:54 所以还不如选一个 能给你买医疗保险的女人 好吗？so you might as well pick the bitch that will give you health insurance
156 00:13:06 我很清楚地知道I know exactly why
157 00:13:08 说单口喜剧的男性多到不成比例there's a disproportionate amount of men that do stand-up.
158 00:13:14 这都是因为他们想睡女粉丝It's all because of fan pussy.
159 00:13:19 我们称他们为逗笑渣男We call them chuckle fuckers.
160 00:13:28 这些天真可怜的女人们被逗笑后 迷迷糊糊就被渣男睡了These poor
161 00:13:36 睡女粉丝太能激励人了And fan pussy is so motivating
162 00:13:39 因为这些女粉丝年轻性感 令人血脉贲张because fan pussy is young and sexy and exciting.
163 00:13:45 睡女粉丝是说单口喜剧的一大嘉奖Fan pussy is a great reward for doing stand-up comedy.
164 00:13:53 但跟男粉丝上床And fan dick
165 00:13:56 就很可怕了is frightening.
166 00:14:04 如果有男人看着我 听着我的段子Any man watching me
167 00:14:09 心里还想着：“我要睡她…”and thinking to themselves
168 00:14:15 这种男人就是超级变态is a raging psychopath.
169 00:14:24 而且超级有品味And has extremely good taste.
170 00:14:31 男粉丝没兴趣跟我男欢女爱Fan dick is not interested in showing me a good time.
171 00:14:35 男粉丝只想剪下我的阴毛Fan dick wants to trim my pubes
172 00:14:38 做成假发 给他收藏的古董玩偶戴and sew them into wigs for his antique doll collection.
173 00:14:46 这就是我看不到 更多女人说单口喜剧的原因That's why I don't see more women doing stand-up.
174 00:14:49 没有奖励There is no reward
175 00:14:52 只有危险和惩罚only danger and punishment.
176 00:14:59 我有很多做单口喜剧的男性朋友 都在勾搭女人Lot of my male stand-up comic friends be hooking up with women
177 00:15:03 通过发私信 勾搭惹火美女beautiful
178 00:15:10 发私信哎Direct messaging.
179 00:15:14 我从来都不看私信的I never check my DMs.
180 00:15:18 如果我看私信 也是想看看 拥有凯蒂猫形象的三丽鸥公司And when I do
181 00:15:23 是否终于联系我 愿意提供赞助了have finally contacted me to offer sponsorship.
182 00:15:27 是啊Yeah.
183 00:15:29 拜托！Come on!
184 00:15:30 我觉得我很合适那些形象 我都想要I think I'd be a great fit
185 00:15:34 我想要蛋黃哥的睡衣I want the Gudetama pajamas.
186 00:15:37 我要那种闻起来像口香糖的橡皮擦I want the erasers that smell like the gum.
187 00:15:42 我想要味道像橡皮擦的口香糖And I want the gum that tastes like the erasers.
188 00:15:45 那些东西 我都想要I want all of that shit.
189 00:15:51 但是没有But no.
190 00:15:53 我的私信信箱里My DMs are full of
191 00:15:54 全都是《沉默的羔羊》里 那种变态混蛋们these Silence of the Lambs motherfuckers.
192 00:16:00 那些人通常没有任何粉丝关注It's these dudes who always have zero followers.
193 00:16:05 你认识谁都不认识的人吗？Do you know anybody who doesn't know anybody?
194 00:16:13 他们都不带我出去吃饭They don't even offer to take me out to dinner
195 00:16:16 也不说要舔我的妹妹or lick my pussy.
196 00:16:19 他们只是威胁说 我不让他们闻我的脚 就会把我砍头They just threaten to decapitate me if I don't let them smell my feet.
197 00:16:26 这是一种耻辱 你们知道吗？And it's a shame
198 00:16:29 非常令人烦恼 因为女粉丝的妹妹It's very disturbing
199 00:16:33 和男粉丝的老二 差异太大了between fan pussy and fan dick.
200 00:16:36 对我这样的人来说It is so upsetting
201 00:16:38 这件事真是太难过了to a person like me.
202 00:16:41 因为我的脑子里Because I think
203 00:16:44 一直在想着出轨…about cheating on my husband…
204 00:16:50 每五分钟就会想一次every five minutes.
205 00:16:56 我还没做过…目前是这样I haven't done it yet.
206 00:16:59 不是因为我是好人Not because I'm a good person
207 00:17:02 只是因为没有值得那样做的机会出现only because no worthy opportunity has presented itself.
208 00:17:10 我妈妈不明白 她无法理解My mom doesn't understand
209 00:17:13 这种想要搞婚外情的感觉to these feelings of wanting to fool around outside of your marriage
210 00:17:18 因为她是1940年出生的移民女性because she's an immigrant woman who was born in 1940.
211 00:17:22 她的世界比我的世界小很多Her world is a lot smaller than mine.
212 00:17:26 我妈只跟两个男人真正说过话The only men my mother has ever had an actual conversation with
213 00:17:30 我哥和我爸 仅此而已are my brother and my dad. That's it.
214 00:17:34 我恰恰相反I
215 00:17:36 我已经见过 《复仇者联盟》的全体演员了have met the entire cast of The Avengers.
216 00:17:48 我希望他们都能射在我的脸上And I want all of them to cum on my face.
217 00:18:08 我觉得我正在经历中年危机I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis.
218 00:18:15 经历两次剖腹产 还要养家糊口Having two C-sections and being the breadwinner of my family
219 00:18:19 这让我变成了一个50岁的男人has turned me into a 50-year-old man.
220 00:18:25 几年前 我做过一次结肠镜检查I had a colonoscopy a couple years ago.
221 00:18:28 那就是50岁老男人做的事啊That is some 50-year-old man shit right there.
222 00:18:32 当时的情况是What had happened was
223 00:18:34 我在短时间内 肚子突然变得超级胀I
224 00:18:40 严重到我觉得自己又怀孕了And it was so extreme to the point where I thought I was pregnant again.
225 00:18:48 我测了一下 结果是阴性And I took a test
226 00:18:50 然后我的妇产科医生非常担心And then my OBGYN became very concerned
227 00:18:53 怕我是出现了卵巢癌的症状that I was showing symptoms of ovarian cancer
228 00:18:57 因为我有家族遗传史because it runs in my family.
229 00:18:59 然后她给我安排了CT扫描 结果出来了And so then she ordered a CT scan
230 00:19:04 然后她对我说：And she said to me
231 00:19:06 “好吧 艾丽”"Okay
232 00:19:09 “要知道 好消息是"Well
233 00:19:12 你没有卵巢癌 好吗？然后…”you don't have ovarian cancer
234 00:19:17 “坏消息是 艾丽"The bad news is that
235 00:19:21 你的肚子里全都是屎”you are full of shit."
236 00:19:27 “别笑了 艾丽 这事很严肃 好吗？”"Stop giggling
237 00:19:31 在报告上 放射科医生写道：On the report
238 00:19:34 “结果很惊人”"The results are remarkable."
239 00:19:42 在我看来 这好像是 放射科医生给我打分A++呢Which
240 00:19:49 她说：“不是的 这很不好的”She was like
241 00:19:52 当放射科医生写“结果很惊人”时When the radiologist writes "The results are remarkable
242 00:19:56 他的意思是what that translates to is
243 00:19:58 “我的天啊"Oh my goodness
244 00:19:59 真想不通 这位瘦小的越南妈妈I don't understand how this tiny Vietnamese mom
245 00:20:03 怎么能把这足球场一般大的 一大坨屎装进身体里的”fit this football field of doo-doo inside of her body."
246 00:20:07 “我做放射科医生30年来 从未见过这种情况"I have never seen this in my 30 years as a radiologist
247 00:20:11 我等不及要把截图 发给我所有的放射科医生朋友了”and I cannot wait to text screenshots of this to all my radiologist friends."
248 00:20:22 于是有一位肠胃病专家被叫来会诊So then a GI specialist was called in
249 00:20:26 我看到她看了我的检查结果and I saw her look at the results
250 00:20:30 她的反应是这样的and she went like this.
251 00:20:36 然后她扭头对我说：And then she turns to me and says
252 00:20:38 “黄小姐 我很抱歉 在你面前倒吸一口凉气”"Miss Wong
253 00:20:43 “这样做太不专业了”"That was so unprofessional of me."
254 00:20:46 “我知道你是谁”"I know exactly who you are."
255 00:20:48 “拜托不要在舞台上讲我刚才的反应”"Please do not talk about how I just did that on stage."
256 00:20:58 “但我必须承认 我显然被眼前所见震惊到了”"But
257 00:21:04 “你的小肠里面存货满满"You are backed up well into your small intestine
258 00:21:08 我几乎可以肯定 肠道有某种肿块and I'm almost certain that there is some sort of mass
259 00:21:12 很可能是肿瘤 才会造成肠梗阻的”and most likely a tumor that's causing all of this blockage."
260 00:21:16 “所以我们要做一个结肠镜检查"So we're going to have to perform a colonoscopy
261 00:21:19 看看里面是怎么回事”to see what's going on in there."
262 00:21:22 我说：“为什么？你们刚做过CT扫描”I was like
263 00:21:25 然后她说：“是的And she was like
264 00:21:26 CT扫描就是要看看你的身体内部it is true that the whole point of a CT scan is to see inside of your body
265 00:21:33 但激光无法穿透你体内的大便长城”but the lasers couldn't penetrate the Great Wall of Shit that's inside you."
266 00:21:39 “它们会被反弹回到机器"And they just ricocheted and bounced back into the machine
267 00:21:42 现在机器都已经震惊了 所以…and now the machine is shook
268 00:21:47 我们只能搞一个摄像头we're going to have to stick a camera
269 00:21:50 捅进你的菊花了”up your ass."
270 00:21:53 我当时超级紧张And I was so nervous.
271 00:21:54 但我不知道的是 在手术前But what I didn't know was that right before the procedure
272 00:21:59 他们会给你注射异丙酚麻醉they give you propofol.
273 00:22:01 不得不说 作为一个有俩孩子的职业母亲…And I have to say that as a working mother of two…
274 00:22:08 能在麻醉药劲之下打一小时的盹儿…getting to take a drug-induced nap for an hour…
275 00:22:14 就算菊花被爆 也算值得了was well worth having a news crew up my butt.
276 00:22:22 简直太奢侈了It was luxurious.
277 00:22:26 当我做完结肠镜检查醒来时 我心想When I woke up from the colonoscopy
278 00:22:29 “我想再来一次结肠镜检查”"I want another colonoscopy."
279 00:22:36 结果显示我的结肠非常健康And then it turned out that my colon was perfectly healthy
280 00:22:39 我发现造成那次便便大塞车的原因是and I figured out that what caused that huge traffic jam was
281 00:22:44 前一年夏天 我在拍一部叫《两大无猜》的电影the summer before
282 00:22:49 啊 谢谢大家Oh
283 00:22:54 是啊 这是一件大事 因为那是我第一次参与编剧Yeah
284 00:23:00 同时担任女主角and starred in as the lead.
285 00:23:02 我每天工作12小时And I worked on it for 12 hours a day
286 00:23:06 连续六周没有休息 我超级忙every day for six weeks straight
287 00:23:12 忙到忘记拉屎了…that I forgot to take a shit…
288 00:23:16 六个星期呀for six weeks.
289 00:23:18 这部电影是在温哥华和旧金山拍摄的The movie shot in Vancouver and in San Francisco
290 00:23:22 我完全不记得 自己在温哥华或旧金山拉过屎and I have no recollection of shitting in Vancouver or in San Francisco.
291 00:23:30 我直接给忘了I just straight up forgot.
292 00:23:33 这样的事永远不会发生在男人身上Something like that would never happen to a man.
293 00:23:37 男人们 你们永远不会忘记拉屎Men
294 00:23:44 永远不会Ever.
295 00:23:48 你们每天早晨都坐在马桶上 进行神圣的大便召唤仪式How could you
296 00:23:53 你们是怎么做到的？every morning to summon the shit?
297 00:23:56 从8:00到8:30 你们都坐在厕所里You sit there from 8:00 a.m. to 8:30 a.m.
298 00:24:00 坐在马桶上 带着各种阅读材料You sit there with all of your reading materials
299 00:24:03 iPad的电池都烫得 都把蛋蛋里的精子烤死了your iPad battery just burning up the sperm in your balls.
300 00:24:08 你坐在厕所里 那可是一天里最重要的时刻You sit there at the most crucial time of the day
301 00:24:12 那是你的妻子和孩子 最需要你和厕所的时间段when your wife and kids need you and the bathroom the most.
302 00:24:16 你坐在那里逃避现实 逃避生活中所有的责任You sit there to avoid reality and all of your responsibility in life.
303 00:24:23 你太害怕了 不敢向妻子要求独处的时间You're too scared to ask your wife for alone time
304 00:24:27 所以你就消极应对so instead you just passively-aggressively take it
305 00:24:30 用你那坨自私的臭屎by chasing your wife and kids out of the bathroom
306 00:24:34 把妻子和孩子赶出厕所！with the stank of your selfish-ass shit!
307 00:24:42 女人们 我们不会那样做 是吧？Women
308 00:24:44 我们有太多的罪恶感和羞耻感We have too much guilt and shame
309 00:24:48 不好意思每天早上 都在同一时间坐在那里召唤大便to sit there every morning at the same time to summon the shit.
310 00:24:54 相反 屎会自己找上门来Instead
311 00:24:57 专门挑选最不方便的时候at the most inconvenient time of the day.
312 00:25:04 当我们在开会的时候 或者When we're in the middle of a meeting
313 00:25:08 在台上录制 第三部Netflix喜剧特辑的时候onstage taping our third Netflix special.
314 00:25:21 当你感觉到乌龟脑袋刚刚探头时But when you feel that first turtle head peek out
315 00:25:25 你得把屁股蛋儿夹紧了you gotta squeeze your butt cheeks in
316 00:25:27 把大便挤回到suck the poo-poo back up
317 00:25:29 你那慷慨有爱、自我牺牲的灵魂里into your generous
318 00:25:37 但到某一时刻 你总归要释放出来But then at some point
319 00:25:40 然后就会有紧急情况出现and then it's an emergency.
320 00:25:42 当女人终于要拉屎的时候 一定会遇到紧急情况It's always an emergency when a woman finally takes a shit
321 00:25:48 所以公共厕所的女厕所里and that's why every woman's public restroom
322 00:25:51 看起来都像一个末日后的僵尸噩梦looks like a post-apocalyptic zombie nightmare
323 00:25:55 墙上有血迹 电唱机上面散落着披萨where there is blood on the walls and pizza on the record player.
324 00:26:11 过去七年里 我的生活发生了巨大的变化My life has changed dramatically in the past seven years.
325 00:26:17 七年前 我给我当时的男友 施加好大压力 让他向我求婚Seven years ago
326 00:26:23 我每天都在他的耳边说…Every day
327 00:26:26 “你什么时候跟我求婚呀？”"When you going to ask me to marry you?"
328 00:26:29 “我不会永远等下去的！”"I'm not gonna wait forever!"
329 00:26:32 “所有人都很想要我的”"Everybody wants this pussy."
330 00:26:34 其实没有人想要的Nobody else wanted this pussy
331 00:26:36 但我必须编造出这些童话故事but I had to make up these fairy tales
332 00:26:39 给最后通牒增加一点活力 知道吗？to add pizzazz to the ultimatum
333 00:26:47 虽然很疯狂 但我的愿望实现了It was crazy
334 00:26:49 他求婚了 我们结婚了He proposed
335 00:26:52 我们买了房子 有了两个孩子We bought a house
336 00:26:55 快进到七年后的今天 我想说：Fast-forward to seven years later
337 00:27:00 “不知道我当年为什么要那么做”"I don't know why I did that."
338 00:27:06 我觉得当时的情况是I think that what happened was at the time
339 00:27:10 我在喜剧界的前途 看起来很不确定 你们懂吗？my future in comedy was looking very uncertain
340 00:27:18 我当时很挣扎I was really struggling.
341 00:27:19 我会把止咳药当甜点吃Like
342 00:27:22 太悲剧了It was so sad.
343 00:27:25 我慌了 我心想：“我不知道 我能不能自己一个人活下去”And I panicked. I was like
344 00:27:30 “所以我最好抓住 这个从哈佛商学院毕业的家伙"So I better trap this dude who graduated from Harvard Business School
345 00:27:35 这样我就不会无家可归了”so that I don't end up homeless."
346 00:27:40 但是现在But now
347 00:27:43 我知道我可以靠自己活下去了I know that I can make it on my own.
348 00:27:55 所以我有点希望能一个人生活了So I kind of want to just be on my own.
349 00:28:01 只有已婚有孩子的人才能体会到Only other married people with kids can empathize
350 00:28:06 我对你们这些单身人士的 深深嫉妒 好吗？with the deep envy I feel towards you single people
351 00:28:11 你们不知道 自己有多自由You don't know how free you are.
352 00:28:14 你们可以在下午两点 吃含大麻食物You can eat an edible at 2:00 p.m.
353 00:28:18 去水族馆看着水母游来游去go to the aquarium and watch the jellyfish go back and forth.
354 00:28:26 你们不用背着大包 里面装着小包装的金鱼饼干You don't gotta bring a giant bag with little Ziploc baggies of Goldfish
355 00:28:31 还有玩具手机and toy cellphones.
356 00:28:32 你们可以直接去玩 不用管口袋里有什么You can just go with what's in your pockets.
357 00:28:40 你们这些单身的人并不知道You single people
358 00:28:43 把孩子扔在地板上的冷玉米饼吃掉to eat a cold quesadilla
359 00:28:47 到底是什么感觉that your toddler threw on the floor
360 00:28:51 因为把它放进嘴里because it's easier to put it in your mouth
361 00:28:55 比走去垃圾桶更省事儿than travel to the trash
362 00:28:58 你只能一遍遍地对自己说while you repeat to yourself over and over that
363 00:29:01 虐待儿童是违法的！child abuse is illegal!
364 00:29:12 你们这些单身的人 如果你们恋爱了You single people
365 00:29:17 然后突然之间and then all of a sudden
366 00:29:18 如果某人暴露了你不喜欢的性格特征that somebody reveals a personality trait that you don't like
367 00:29:25 完全可以直接走人you could just leave.
368 00:29:29 搬到其他城市 再也不用见到他们那张蠢脸了Move to another city and never see their stupid face again.
369 00:29:37 因为你没有在奶奶或者所有同事面前Because you didn't make a promise
370 00:29:40 许下任何承诺in front of your grandma and all your coworkers
371 00:29:44 也没有让你的朋友给你买电压力锅and ask your friends to buy you an Instant Pot.
372 00:29:49 你没有用你的DNA去创造一个生命 整天不停地问你：You didn't fuse your DNA to create human life that will forever ask you
373 00:29:56 “爸爸在哪里？”"Where's Daddy?"
374 00:30:05 你们这些单身的人 你们不用去参加孩子的玩耍约会You single people
375 00:30:10 那基本就是你的孩子 给你安排的相亲…which is basically a blind date that your toddler sets you up on…
376 00:30:19 相亲对象是跟你完全不来电的傻货with some bitch you have zero chemistry with.
377 00:30:28 你们这些单身的人 你们不用对妈妈笑脸相迎You single people
378 00:30:34 因为你们不需要她帮着照顾孩子because you need her for babysitting.
379 00:30:43 你不用摆出笑脸You don't have to smile
380 00:30:46 去听那些不请自来的育儿建议and listen to all of this unsolicited parenting advice
381 00:30:50 提建议的女人曾经完全忽视你呢…from this woman who neglected the shit out of you…
382 00:30:56 因为你想给自己留点时间 狂看《布里奇顿》 让自己重获新生because you want time to yourself to binge Bridgerton to feel alive again.
383 00:31:09 就像你们单身的人一样 我也曾自由过 好吗？Like you single people
384 00:31:15 然后我像白痴一样 强迫那家伙送我走进婚姻的监狱And then like an idiot
385 00:31:26 现在我身陷一夫一妻制监狱了 也不知道要怎么出去And now I'm in monogamy jail
386 00:31:32 在我们40岁之前 一夫一妻制都是合理的Monogamy made sense when we lived until we were 40 years old.
387 00:31:39 是的 我现在39岁了Yeah
388 00:31:41 所以如果你告诉我 这些破烂事 我还要再忍受一年so if you told me that I had to do this shit for another year
389 00:31:45 我会说：“行吧 我能忍”I'd be like
390 00:31:48 “我可以再对着海王打一年飞机”"I can rub it out to Aquaman for another year
391 00:31:52 “没什么大不了的”"It's no big deal."
392 00:32:03 但作为一名亚裔女性 我的寿命But as an Asian woman
393 00:32:05 会延续到95岁until I'm 95 years old.
394 00:32:12 我不是在开玩笑 好吗？That's not even a joke
395 00:32:15 统计学上来说 这是有可能的that is statistically probable.
396 00:32:19 我丈夫和我同岁My husband and I are the same age.
397 00:32:22 他很可能只能活到85岁He'll most likely die when he's 85.
398 00:32:25 所以在85岁到95岁的十年间So between 85 and 95 is
399 00:32:28 在道德层面上 我又可以跟别人睡了when I'm morally allowed to fuck other people again.
400 00:32:31 只是太迟了It's too late.
401 00:32:33 因为亚洲女性到了75岁'Cause at the age of 75 is when Asian women
402 00:32:37 就会变成猫头鹰finally turn into an owl.
403 00:32:45 你们懂我在说什么的You know what I'm talking about.
404 00:32:46 她们纹的假眉毛会开始发绿Their tattooed eyebrows turn green and shit.
405 00:32:51 她们会变得头秃 所剩无几的头发 还会过度烫卷They go bald
406 00:32:55 只为找回Jhirmack洗发水 宣称的“富有弹性”to make it more Jhirmack "bounce back."
407 00:32:59 然后她们开始沉迷于大枣泡枸杞And then they become obsessed with dried jujubes
408 00:33:02 整天穿得严严实实 像这样四处溜达and just walk around in down jackets all day like this.
409 00:33:23 我现在就想跟别人睡…I want to fuck other people now…
410 00:33:29 在我还没皮肤皱到看上去像 一个带着防晒帽的蛋蛋那样before I metamorphosize into a nut sack with a visor.
411 00:33:43 你想跟我偷情吗？You want to cheat with me?
412 00:33:44 你想跟我乱搞吗？You want to fuck around with me?
413 00:33:46 最好提前两周通知我 好吗？You better give me two weeks' notice
414 00:33:50 因为你得给我时间去采购'Cause you gotta give me time to go shopping
415 00:33:54 去买新内裤for new underwear.
416 00:33:58 过去十年 我都在跟同一个人交往I've been with the same dude for the last 10 years.
417 00:34:02 所以我的内裤 看起来都像被老鼠啃过一样So all my underwear looks like it's been snacked on by rats.
418 00:34:15 就像《悲惨世界》里的服装 好吗？Just looks like wardrobe from Les Miserables
419 00:34:18 就像海盗船的破帆Like a tattered sail of a pirate ship.
420 00:34:24 松紧带？早就没了The elastic? Gone.
421 00:34:26 所以裆部的位置 挂在我的阴道下面12厘米处So the crotch area hangs about five inches below my actual pussy
422 00:34:31 就像《夺宝奇兵》里的悬索桥like a Indiana Jones suspension bridge
423 00:34:33 就像《蓝色海湾》里的吊床 好吗？like a hammock in the Blue Bayou
424 00:34:39 你想跟我上床？提前告诉我You want to fuck around with me? Let me know
425 00:34:42 让我有时间去塔吉特超市 买20块钱五条的雪莉牌内裤so I got time to go to Target and get that sweet five-for-20 Xhilaration panty deal.
426 00:34:52 或者梅罗娜牌 主要看什么打折吧Merona
427 00:35:03 在我们的社会里In our society
428 00:35:05 没有形容男性情妇的词there is no word for a male mistress.
429 00:35:09 女人对丈夫不忠 就是如此的禁忌That's how taboo it is for women to cheat on their husbands.
430 00:35:15 只有西语里 有这样的词汇The only word I've ever heard is sancho
431 00:35:20 是的 因为墨西哥女人会出轨yes
432 00:35:24 因为他们的文化要棒得多because their culture is mucho más mejor.
433 00:35:28 这是真的 好吗？真的Es la verdad
434 00:35:31 我这么说墨西哥人和墨西哥文化 已经很长时间了I've been saying this about Mexican people and Mexican culture for a long time.
435 00:35:37 我就像小美人鱼I'm like the Little Mermaid.
436 00:35:39 我想加入你们的世界 好吗？I want to be part of your Telemundo
437 00:35:43 是的 如果可能 如果允许 拜托接纳我吧Yes. Si se puede
438 00:35:47 我喜欢法布罗索清洁剂 好吗？I like Fabuloso
439 00:35:50 我喜欢把锅碗瓢盆放在烤箱里 是的I like storing my pots and pans in the oven. Yeah.
440 00:35:55 我喜欢在各种东西上挤青柠汁I like squeezing lime juice on everything.
441 00:35:59 我喜欢吻痕 我超爱吻痕的I like hickeys. I love hickeys.
442 00:36:06 一般来说 我们的社会Generally
443 00:36:11 对背叛丈夫的女性是非常不宽容的of women who cheat on their husbands
444 00:36:14 与此同时 对背叛妻子的男人 却是如此的宽容and at the same time
445 00:36:21 不知为何 金钱、权力和名望 能让男人得到出轨的权利Somehow money
446 00:36:27 人们会为他辩护 说People will come to his defense and say
447 00:36:30 “他怎么能抗拒 那些女粉丝的诱惑呢？”"Oh
448 00:36:37 “他太厉害了 出轨是应该的”"He is so awesome
449 00:36:41 对女人来说 无论你有多少金钱、 权力 赢得多少尊重For women
450 00:36:47 你都休想行为不端却没有后果you are never allowed to behave badly and get away with it.
451 00:36:54 但我真想这么做呀But that's all I want to do.
452 00:36:59 我全都想占有I want to have it all.
453 00:37:02 我想要家庭 想要事业I want to have a family
454 00:37:07 也想要小奶狗and a side piece.
455 00:37:15 女人对自己开过的最大的玩笑 就是让自己相信The greatest trick women ever played on ourselves was making us believe
456 00:37:21 “一切都要”仅限于 家庭和事业两样东西that having it all was limited to having a family and a career.
457 00:37:27 家庭和事业 我都有了I got both of those things.
458 00:37:29 我跟你们说哦 这还不够Newsflash
459 00:37:32 我需要更多Necesito más.
460 00:37:36 我不仅想要同工同酬I don't just want equal pay
461 00:37:39 我还想要同等的性福I want equal pleasure.
462 00:37:42 但如果所有女人都想要那样But it would be very threatening
463 00:37:45 都觉得那是自己应得的 就会造成很大威胁if all women wanted and felt like they deserved that
464 00:37:49 因为这样的话 就会有很多女人没有时间because then a bunch of women wouldn't be available
465 00:37:53 去帮助他们的丈夫 让他们的生活尽可能轻松了to helping their husbands make their lives as easy as possible.
466 00:37:59 你知道如果我有老婆 我会多成功吗？Do you know how much more successful I would be if I had a wife?
467 00:38:13 身边有一个可爱忠诚的女人Some loving
468 00:38:16 除了香蕉 还会买一堆水果的女人？who bought a bunch of fruit besides bananas?
469 00:38:22 帮我套被子的女人？And put the duvet cover on the duvet?
470 00:38:29 人们不喜欢女人出轨 你们懂的People don't like it when women cheat
471 00:38:31 他们会突然讨厌你 因为他们觉得被背叛了and they'll really turn on you because they feel betrayed
472 00:38:35 尤其如果你是一个母亲的话especially if you're a mom.
473 00:38:38 这跟你健康有爱的形象太不相符了It's too contrary to your wholesome
474 00:38:43 所以我现在要让你们所有人知道…And that's why I'm trying to let all of you know now…
475 00:38:51 我就是一个渣女 好吗？that I'm a real piece of shit
476 00:38:57 我希望你们能认真听我的话 仔细理解 并相信我I want you to really listen to me and understand this and believe me
477 00:39:02 这样你才不会感到惊讶或震惊so that you're not shocked or surprised
478 00:39:05 这样一来 当你们在八卦新闻网站so that you don't abandon me
479 00:39:07 看到我被迈克尔B乔丹颜射的视频时 才不会抛弃我…when you see the TMZ video of my face getting fire-hosed by Michael B. Jordan…
480 00:39:24 被颜射的时候 我还会喊着“瓦坎达万岁！”while I chant
481 00:39:43 我认为很多女人迟迟不愿出轨 其实还有一个原因I think another reason why a lot of women are hesitant to cheat
482 00:39:48 就是因为太冒险了is because it's too high stakes
483 00:39:51 你赌上你的家庭 你的名誉to put your family
484 00:39:55 以及你现在的生活your life as you know it on the line
485 00:39:58 结果到头来 你很有可能all for the probability that you most likely
486 00:40:02 都达不到高潮will not have an orgasm.
487 00:40:09 让一个女人达到高潮 尤其是 没跟你上过床的女人 是很难的Very difficult to make a woman
488 00:40:14 这太烦人了It's so annoying.
489 00:40:16 这是设计缺陷It's a design flaw.
490 00:40:18 有太多影响因素了There's too many factors.
491 00:40:20 有太多的破事儿需要调整到位了There's too much shit that has to align.
492 00:40:24 光线The lighting
493 00:40:25 温度the temperature
494 00:40:28 新闻the news.
495 00:40:29 你不能脑子里总想着全球供应链堵塞You can't be all up in your head about the global supply chain being backed up.
496 00:40:35 听着道琼斯指数下跌了500点I don't deserve to cum when the Dow Jones is down 500 points
497 00:40:40 而我依旧不明白什么是加密货币 那我不配高潮and I still don't understand what cryptocurrency is.
498 00:40:43 谁能在这种时候高潮啊？Who can cum in times like these?
499 00:40:50 所以要让女人高潮 这些破事儿都得调整到位So in order for a woman to cum
500 00:40:55 除此之外 男人还得有技巧And then on top of that
501 00:41:01 他必须会把握时机He gotta have great timing.
502 00:41:06 他必须知道 如何缓慢柔和地进入He gotta know how to come in real slow and soft
503 00:41:12 知道在刚开始时 必须浪漫柔情…and romantic and tenderoni in the beginning…
504 00:41:20 在快结束时 要粗暴得像强奸and then get real rapey by the end.
505 00:41:33 当然是在双方自愿的情况下In
506 00:41:40 但很多男人都不懂得时机 是吧？But a lot of dudes
507 00:41:43 有些人刚上来就情绪亢奋They come out the gates guns blazing
508 00:41:46 像《勇敢的心》里翻山越岭的桥段…like Braveheart coming over the hill
509 00:41:49 “真人快打！”"Mortal Kombat!"
510 00:41:51 然后你会说：“好吧 我都流血了…And you're like
511 00:41:57 我觉得你把我的阴蒂磨掉在地板上了think you rubbed my clit off onto the floor
512 00:41:59 现在它已经消失在灰尘堆里了”and now it's lost with the dust bunnies."
513 00:42:09 然后有些人恰恰相反 是吧？And then some dudes
514 00:42:12 他们全程就像是 在烛光中的沙滩浪漫散步…They maintain this whole
515 00:42:17 闭上眼睛许愿吧Close your eyes Make a wish
516 00:42:20 …做爱的全过程都是这样的 我想说…throughout the entire course of the sex
517 00:42:23 “不行 哥们儿 在最后30秒"Nah
518 00:42:27 我要你掐住我的脖子I need you to put me in a headlock
519 00:42:29 跟我讲种族歧视的语言 好吗？”and say racist shit to me. Okay?"
520 00:42:32 “是的”"Yeah."
521 00:42:34 “是的 我希望我的眉毛都飞掉"Yeah
522 00:42:38 我想让你羞辱我 直到我同时变得又聋又哑”and I want you to degrade me until I go deaf and mute at the same time."
523 00:42:46 “你得变身 兄弟”"You gotta shape-shift
524 00:42:51 对女人来说 最有满足感的事情Nothing more satisfying to a woman
525 00:42:53 就是一个男人因为你then when a man goes through a sudden and extreme transformation
526 00:42:58 突然猛烈变身that she is responsible for.
527 00:43:06 你们懂的You know
528 00:43:08 如果费老大劲儿出个轨 最后还得假装高潮would be such a shame to go through all that trouble of cheating
529 00:43:13 那也太可惜了吧to end up having to fake an orgasm.
530 00:43:18 事实上 我觉得 我们女人都不应该再假装高潮了In fact
531 00:43:25 没错Yeah.
532 00:43:26 不要再假装高潮了No more faking orgasms.
533 00:43:33 我是说 你们仔细想想 我们女人这样做I mean
534 00:43:38 简直太疯狂了that we women do.
535 00:43:39 这是你们自学的技能That's a skill that you taught yourself.
536 00:43:41 那可不是你们的母亲教给你们的That wasn't passed down to you from your mother.
537 00:43:44 你是为了生存才自学的You taught yourself to do that shit out of survival.
538 00:43:49 这也充分说明 我们女人是多么And it is wildly indicative of how terrified we women are
539 00:43:54 害怕冒犯男人of offending a man
540 00:43:56 我们宁愿假装高潮 也不会说…that we would rather fake an orgasm than simply say…
541 00:44:05 “嘿 我只是想回家了”"Hey
542 00:44:17 “简直太不爽了”"This is so not awesome."
543 00:44:20 “我觉得我已经努力告诉你了 应该放在哪里"And I feel like I've really tried to tell you where to put it
544 00:44:24 不能放在哪里 应该多快多慢where not to put it
545 00:44:29 但你就是不听 你懂的 所以…you straight up just don't listen
546 00:44:35 我真的很想回家去叠衣服了”I'd really like to just go back to my house and fold clothes."
547 00:44:47 男人更有动力出轨Men are so much more incentivized to cheat because
548 00:44:50 因为不管怎样 你都会射出来you're going to cum no matter what.
549 00:44:53 男人很容易射精It's so easy for a man to cum.
550 00:44:56 你只需要一个湿湿的洞洞All you need is a wet hole.
551 00:44:59 其实连湿洞都不需要！You don't even need that!
552 00:45:01 男人总是喜欢在女人面前打飞机Men love to jerk off in front of women all the time.
553 00:45:04 我这辈子见过70个男人打飞机了I've seen
554 00:45:09 男人喜欢让你看他们手淫Men love to show you their masturbation practice.
555 00:45:13 但对我来说But for me
556 00:45:15 如果一个男人表演手淫 没有达到我所要求的水准if a man is not performing at the caliber I need him to perform at
557 00:45:20 我不会突然跳到他的脖子上I'm not all of a sudden going to leap onto his neck
558 00:45:24 在他脸上开始用手指自慰 知道吗？and start fingering myself over his face
559 00:45:28 “哦 你有勃起功能障碍？”Like
560 00:45:31 “没问题 交给我吧”"No problem. I got it."
561 00:45:33 “让我把我的阴毛"Let me just dangle my pubes
562 00:45:36 我那疫情中许久没剃的阴毛 垂在你的额头上my long-ass pandemic pubes over your forehead
563 00:45:40 然后喷进你的鼻孔 你不喜欢吗？”and squirt into your nose hole. You don't like it?"
564 00:45:42 “谁在乎？ 谁会相信你 小弱鸡？”"Who cares? Who's gonna believe you
565 00:45:50 我会心想：“我他妈在搞什么？”I'd be like
566 00:46:07 所以如果你们还没看过那部电影 那是一部浪漫喜剧…So if you haven't seen the movie
567 00:46:14 我在片中饰演一位明星大厨 她再次爱上了儿时的朋友where I play a celebrity chef who falls back in love with her childhood friend.
568 00:46:21 在电影里And in the movie
569 00:46:23 我的角色勾搭了三位不同的英俊男生my character hooks up with three different
570 00:46:28 非常有标志性very iconic
571 00:46:30 非常性感的亚裔美国男人very sexy Asian American men.
572 00:46:33 我懂的 你们会想 谁会写这种剧本呀？真是…I know
573 00:46:38 这是谁的主意呀？Whose idea was this?
574 00:46:43 在拍摄时 我的女性朋友们都问我And while shooting
575 00:46:48 “好吧 艾丽 私下说呀"Okay
576 00:46:51 你会跟合作的演员勾搭上吗？”you gonna hook up with one of your costars?"
577 00:46:56 要知道 我就差一点…You know
578 00:47:01 就跟厨艺指导搞上了to fucking the food consultant.
579 00:47:08 他是一个29岁的波斯小伙子 手臂上满是纹身It was this 29-year-old Persian dude who had tattoos all over his arms
580 00:47:15 胸前也是 起风的时候 我的天啊and his chest
581 00:47:18 那一身肌肉 真是一览无余he was so ripped
582 00:47:20 你可以看到块块凸起的夏威夷小面包You could see the King's Hawaiian
583 00:47:22 你可以看到臀部到腹股沟的肌肉线条 指引着你去往天国you could see the cum gutters pointing you straight to the kingdom of heaven.
584 00:47:28 全都一览无余 你们懂吗？You could see it all
585 00:47:35 整个周日早晨 我俩在一起And we spent one Sunday morning
586 00:47:38 屠宰了18只生鸡butchering 18 raw chickens.
587 00:47:42 简直就像《人鬼情未了》里 男女主角拉胚的场景…That shit was like the "Unchained Melody" scene from Ghost…
588 00:47:49 只不过加入了沙门氏菌but with salmonella.
589 00:47:54 他的胳膊搂着我He had his arms wrapped around me
590 00:47:57 我差点把自己的手切下来and I almost sliced my hand off
591 00:47:59 因为我能感觉到 那年轻肉体的老二 正在变硬 顶着我的脊椎because I could feel his 29-year old dick getting hard up against my spine.
592 00:48:06 没错Yeah.
593 00:48:08 要知道 妹妹可以假装高潮 但老二不会撒谎See
594 00:48:12 我的后背能感受到 那种真实的生理反应I felt that biology and that truth right up against my back.
595 00:48:18 我都没有感到被冒犯I did not feel violated.
596 00:48:23 我感受到胜利的快感了I felt victorious.
597 00:48:29 真的I did.
598 00:48:34 我是一位39岁的老女人 肚子上有两道剖腹产的刀疤As
599 00:48:38 但我当时心想：“天啊 我好有力量”I was like
600 00:48:40 “我改变了物质密度呢 牛逼！”"I changed density
601 00:48:45 “我是巫师！我能控制血流！ 我能出演《降世神通》”"I am a wizard! I'm a blood bender! I could be in Avatar."
602 00:48:48 “我们走吧 阿帕 我们去找祖科 然后亲热吧！走吧！”"Let's go
603 00:48:59 那天下午 我回到酒店And I went back to my hotel that afternoon
604 00:49:02 脱掉裤子and I pull down my pants
605 00:49:04 我的内裤啊…and my underwear…
606 00:49:08 看起来就像鸟笼的底托looked like the bottom of a bird cage.
607 00:49:30 为什么凯蒂猫还没有联系我 对我来说 依旧是谜 你们知道吗？It's a mystery to me why Hello Kitty hasn't contacted me yet
608 00:49:39 就好像It's like
609 00:49:40 拜托 怎么回事？come on
610 00:49:47 当我看到内裤上的一片狼藉 当我看到那些分泌物时When I saw that in my underwear
611 00:49:50 我不禁惊叹：“天啊 我还能行！”I was like
612 00:49:55 只要有新的需求 这里就能持续供给 好吗？There is still supply
613 00:50:03 如果你们不明白供求关系的比喻If you don't understand the supply and demand metaphor
614 00:50:07 我是想告诉你们 我的身体还能分泌爱液 各位what I'm trying to tell you is my body still produces pussy juice
615 00:50:11 好吗？而且也是高质量女性爱液哦Okay? And it was good pussy juice too.
616 00:50:14 晶莹剔透 闪闪发光It was sparkly and glistening.
617 00:50:17 水水润润 黏性适中Viscous but not too pasty.
618 00:50:19 略带骚气 不甚潮湿 就像是…Pungent but not too dank
619 00:50:23 是的It was.
620 00:50:25 我在上面蘸了一些 尝了一口I took a little fun dip in there
621 00:50:28 味道就像拉克鲁瓦葡萄柚味的苏打水that shit tasted like LaCroix Pamplemousse.
622 00:50:32 品质上乘It was quality.
623 00:50:34 可以像强力胶一样 把我内裤上的窟窿都封上…It could've sealed up all the holes in my underwear like Gorilla Glue
624 00:50:49 你们知道 虽然我很想对我丈夫不忠You know
625 00:50:56 但我负担不起离婚I cannot afford to get a divorce.
626 00:51:00 我负担不起 知道吗？I can't
627 00:51:02 其实比起他对我的需求 我更需要我的丈夫The reality is
628 00:51:08 找一个好丈夫 比找一个好妻子It is ten times harder to find a decent husband
629 00:51:11 要难十倍than it is to find a great wife.
630 00:51:15 太烦人了 你们懂吗？It's so fucking annoying
631 00:51:18 我快40岁了 周围有很多熟人现在都在离婚I'm almost 40
632 00:51:24 这些女人 她们总来找我抱怨…All these women
633 00:51:26 “艾丽 对于一个离过婚的女人来说 再次约会真是太难了”"Ali
634 00:51:33 “那些男人都搞不定 我这样坚强的女人”"None of these men can handle me
635 00:51:37 “那些男人都不想要坚强的女人”"None of these men want a strong woman."
636 00:51:40 我说：“你是一个很烦人的女人 但是…”I'm like
637 00:51:45 我确实相信 你的备选很少 你知道吗？I do believe that it's slim pickings out there
638 00:51:51 然后这些女人 她们不停地跟我抱怨And then these women
639 00:51:54 夫妻争夺孩子的全部监护权时 场面有多难堪and how ugly it is
640 00:51:59 我说：“为什么啊？”I'm like
641 00:52:06 哪怕是一半监护权 就很像《美国恐怖故事》了Even half custody sounds like American Horror Story.
642 00:52:16 我不能舍弃我的丈夫 你知道吗？I can't let go of my husband
643 00:52:18 他性感又帅气 他是我喜欢的类型He's very handsome
644 00:52:22 我喜欢的类型很具体I have a very specific type.
645 00:52:24 我喜欢长得像基努里维斯的男人I like dudes who look as close to Keanu Reeves as possible.
646 00:52:30 是的Yeah.
647 00:52:33 我丈夫就很像 真的And that's my husband
648 00:52:35 他英俊潇洒 幽默风趣He's so good-looking
649 00:52:38 他会说三国语言He speaks three different languages.
650 00:52:40 是他带我认识了致幻蘑菇和死藤水He introduced me to mushrooms and ayahuasca
651 00:52:44 改变了我的生活changed my life.
652 00:52:46 所以他不仅是我的丈夫So in addition to being my husband
653 00:52:48 他也是给我提供毒品的人he's also my drug dealer.
654 00:52:52 我不能失去 这个通灵的联系人 你懂吗？I can't lose that Shaman connect
655 00:52:58 我丈夫非常聪明My husband's so smart.
656 00:53:00 他曾就读于卡内基梅隆大学He went to Carnegie Mellon
657 00:53:02 哈佛商学院Harvard Business School.
658 00:53:04 他获得过富布赖特奖学金He's a Fulbright scholar.
659 00:53:05 他很聪明 选择了我 投资了我He was smart enough to choose me
660 00:53:10 尽管我当时比现在胖18斤when I was 20 pounds heavier
661 00:53:12 长着慢性痤疮 身无分文had chronic acne and no money.
662 00:53:18 他抄底了He bought low.
663 00:53:32 如果我们离婚了 他就是高位抛售了And if we get divorced
664 00:53:40 我才不会让他得逞呢！I can't let him get away with that!
665 00:53:44 所以我的丈夫 他有这么多美好的品质 是吧？So my husband
666 00:53:48 但最重要的是 他允许我But most importantly
667 00:53:52 做我自己to be myself.
668 00:54:00 对于放荡不羁爱自由的妻子来说Which perhaps
669 00:54:04 这才是丈夫身上最重要的品质is the most important quality to find in a man.
670 00:54:08 但人们认为 对我丈夫来说But people think it's so difficult for my husband
671 00:54:11 做这样简单的事情 允许我做自己 是非常困难的to do something so simple as giving me permission to be myself.
672 00:54:17 他们总是问他：“天啊They always ask him
673 00:54:20 你怎么看待 你的妻子艾丽 站在舞台上how do you feel about your wife Ali going up on stage
674 00:54:25 站在这么多陌生人面前in front of all of these strangers
675 00:54:27 说她有多想出轨？”talking about how much she wants to cheat on you?"
676 00:54:37 要知道 当我们欢聚在这里的时候You know
677 00:54:42 我丈夫正在家里 在我买的房子里…my husband is at home in the house that I bought…
678 00:54:50 用劳力士手表看时间 那是我送他的父亲节礼物…telling time on the Rolex I got him for Father's Day…
679 00:55:02 边看黄片边打飞机jacking off to porn that he streams
680 00:55:05 下片用的高速宽带费都是我每月付的on the high-speed internet I pay for every month.
681 00:55:17 所以他总是跟我说…So
682 00:55:22 “是啊 去吧 你知道你…”"Yeah
683 00:55:31 他根本不在乎我在台上说什么He doesn't give a shit about what I say on stage
684 00:55:37 因为他正忙着because he's too busy
685 00:55:39 过我自己想过的生活living the life I wanted for myself.
686 00:55:53 当他躺平的时候 我正在拼搏I'm the one leaning in while he is lying down.
687 00:56:01 现在我是很明显的养家糊口的人了And now that I'm the clear breadwinner
688 00:56:04 所以他做爱时不会像以前那样 掐我的喉咙了he don't choke me like he used to.
689 00:56:09 如果我死了 风险太大了It's too high stakes if I die.
690 00:56:17 我会说：“用力一点 再用力一点！”I'll be like
691 00:56:20 然后他会说： “但我真的想要一台PS5游戏机”And he'll be like
692 00:56:26 “都卖光了 都是排队订货的人 海运港口也都压港了”"It's all sold out
693 00:56:37 人们喜欢猜想 因为我丈夫有精神信仰People like to assume that because my husband is very spiritual
694 00:56:42 因为他是亚裔美国人 所以他会有点耳根子软and because he's Asian American
695 00:56:47 但事实是 他骨子里很强硬的when the truth is he got this backbone made of pure
696 00:56:53 他很强硬的He is a motherfucker.
697 00:56:55 每次我们吵架时And whenever we get into an argument
698 00:56:58 我提高嗓门and I raise my voice
699 00:57:00 他就会看着我的眼睛 对我说：he'll look me in the eye and say to me
700 00:57:04 “哦 你不要这样跟我说话”"Oh
701 00:57:08 然后我会说…And then I'll be like…
702 00:57:17 “我要帮你口交”"I'mma suck your dick."
703 00:57:26 “你又让我看清自己的位置了”"You put me in my place again."
704 00:57:31 “你答应让我做自己"And then you give me permission to be myself
705 00:57:34 然后又对我指手划脚and then you tell me what to do
706 00:57:37 最后还来夸奖我”and then you celebrate me."
707 00:57:39 单身人士们 这就是健康婚姻的样子 好吗？And that
708 00:57:44 我是黄艾丽 祝大家晚安 谢谢！I've been Ali Wong