凯文·哈特：管他呢 Kevin Hart: Zero Fucks Given(2020)(CN/EN)Subtitles

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1 00:00:17 -嘿 -你好吗？Yo. -What's up?
2 00:00:18 我在整栋房子里找你们I was looking all over the house for y'all.
3 00:00:20 我们就在这儿放松下We're chilling.
4 00:00:21 我正要下楼把一些事儿做完 你好吗 小伙子？About to go downstairs
5 00:00:24 功课做完了吗？Finish your homework?
6 00:00:26 -没 -看着我的眼睛No. -Look in my eyes.
7 00:00:28 你在说谎You're lying.
8 00:00:30 完成你的功课 别跟我贫了Finish your homework. Stop playing with me.
9 00:00:32 周 给爸爸两下Zo
10 00:00:34 给我一个"嘭"Ah
11 00:00:35 "嘭"！跟我撞一下头Boom! Give me a headbutt.
12 00:00:37 给我个亲亲Give me a kiss.
13 00:00:39 -你为什么看我？ -爱你Why're you looking at me? -Love you.
14 00:00:41 -给我一个吻 -好吧Give me a kiss. -Okay.
15 00:00:42 -爱你 -希文 功课做完没？Love you. -Heaven
16 00:00:43 基本上做完了Yes
17 00:00:45 我走了 等会儿上来再见See you when I come back up. -
18 00:00:47 -再见！ -再见Bye! -Bye.
19 00:00:48 再见 爸爸Bye
20 00:00:55 爸爸要去开心了Daddy about to have a good time.
21 00:00:57 （哈特家祝假期快乐）
22 00:00:59 （史上最佳爸爸）
23 00:00:59 大冰块 来 尝尝这个Big cube
24 00:01:07 嘿Hey.
25 00:01:10 哇！Wow!
26 00:01:11 史上最伟大的 传奇人物The GOAT. Legend.
27 00:01:14 灵感来源Inspiration.
28 00:01:15 我的朋友My man.
29 00:01:22 很好So nice.So nice.
30 00:01:26 喔 我的天！Oh
31 00:01:29 谢谢 谢谢大家Well
32 00:01:35 谢谢 谢谢你们！Well
33 00:01:38 我很感激 别再鼓掌了Much appreciated. Stop it.
34 00:01:40 坐吧Sit down.
35 00:01:45 我很感激 谢谢I appreciate it. Thank you.
36 00:01:47 嗨Hello.
37 00:01:48 嗨Hi.
38 00:01:50 我能说"嗨" 因为这是我第一次离观众这么近I can say hello. First time I've been this intimate with a crowd.
39 00:01:54 所以我能跟大家打招呼 还能得到回应So I can say hello and I can get a hello-like response back.
40 00:01:57 所以我要再说一遍 你们好吗？挺好的吧？I'a say it again. Hello. How y'all doing? Good?
41 00:01:59 很好 我喜欢Good. I like it.
42 00:02:01 我感觉这样不错This feels right to me.
43 00:02:02 感觉很好This feels right. -Yeah!
44 00:02:05 我到过很多地方给人讲段子I've been in a lot of different spaces to tell some jokes.
45 00:02:08 有体育馆、运动场、剧院Been in fucking stadiums
46 00:02:11 现在这样感觉很好 在我自己舒适的家 谢谢This right now feels right
47 00:02:16 谢谢Thank you.
48 00:02:18 回归简单生活Getting back to the basics.
49 00:02:21 我告诉你们 为什么我在我自己的房子里I wanna explain to you
50 00:02:24 我们在这儿是有原因的We're here for a reason.
51 00:02:25 我再也受不了在外面了，只想在自己家I'm no longer comfortable anywhere else but my house.
52 00:02:30 我跟你们说的是实话 我在外面感到不舒服I'm being very fucking honest with you guys. I am not comfortable
53 00:02:33 只想在自己的家anywhere except my house.
54 00:02:35 并且这是有很多原因的And it's for a lot of reasons.
55 00:02:37 让我们谈谈这些原因 让我们直面这些令人难堪的原因We should get into those. Address the elephant in the room.
56 00:02:40 头一个原因是新冠肺炎Reason number one
57 00:02:43 新冠肺炎COVID.
58 00:02:44 你现在怎么样？恐慌程度如何？Where you at right now? Where's your panic level?
59 00:02:47 很高？一般？很低？ 你属于哪种？诚实地告诉我High? In the middle? Low? Where you at? Be honest
60 00:02:50 一般 很高 还是很低？ 有点高？有一点点？Middle? High? Low? Kind of high? A little bit?
61 00:02:53 插播一句 我得过！News flash. I had it!
62 00:02:56 没错 我得过"艾冠"That's right
63 00:02:59 "艾冠"病毒在我的身体里The 'VID-19 was in my system.
64 00:03:03 我很早就得了 当时得这个 还不是"酷"事 还不算"时尚"I had it in the beginning when it wasn't cool
65 00:03:07 当时我和汤姆汉克斯 是圈里仅有的两个新冠患者It was me and Tom Hanks. We was the only two.
66 00:03:11 我不得不保密I had to keep it a secret
67 00:03:13 因为汤姆汉克斯比我名气大多了because Tom Hanks is a much bigger star than I am.
68 00:03:16 我的头条一定会被他抢走He will swallow my fucking announcement.
69 00:03:20 他是阿甘 你赢不过阿甘的 门儿都没有He's Forrest Gump. You're not gonna beat Forrest Gump. No shot.
70 00:03:23 我赢过阿甘是他妈的天方夜谭No fucking shot I'a beat Forrest Gump.
71 00:03:26 如果和我同时患病的是个无名小辈 我肯定会盖过他的风头If it was somebody lesser than
72 00:03:30 比如大卫哈塞尔霍夫 去他的大卫哈塞尔霍夫David Hasselhoff. Fuck David Hasselhoff.
73 00:03:33 没人关注大卫哈塞尔霍夫Ain't nobody give a shit about David Hasselhoff.
74 00:03:35 "嘭"！盖了他Boom! Dropped it.
75 00:03:37 新闻会说:"凯文哈特也得了新冠 救救凯文哈特 #‘艾冠’""Kevin Hart's got it
76 00:03:41 知道我为何叫它"艾冠"吗？You know why I call it the 'VID?
77 00:03:43 因为听起来像艾滋病 它的危险性堪比艾滋病It's the closest thing to AIDS. It just sounds as dangerous as AIDS.
78 00:03:47 "艾冠" "你得了‘艾冠’？惨了 哥们！"The 'VID. "You got the 'VID? Fuck
79 00:03:50 "我得了‘艾冠’" "你得了‘艾冠’？妈呀！""I got the 'VID." "You got the 'VID? Shit!"
80 00:03:53 "为你祈祷 你得了该死的‘艾冠’""Praying for you. You got the fucking 'VID."
81 00:03:57 我一开始不知道我得了I didn't know I had it.
82 00:03:58 我不知道 我没有任何症状I didn't know I had it
83 00:04:01 没有发烧、头痛 躯体疼痛 什么都没有No fever
84 00:04:03 后来我的妻子味觉和嗅觉失灵Now
85 00:04:07 她对我说:"亲爱的 我想我感染了 我们应该去做检测"She told me
86 00:04:10 我说:"又不是‘我们’有病"I said
87 00:04:13 "你出现了症状 我为什么要做检测？""You got the fucking problem. Why do I have to get tested?"
88 00:04:16 "我味觉和嗅觉正常 我为什么他妈的要做检测？""I can taste and smell fine. Why the fuck do I gotta get tested?"
89 00:04:20 她让我叫医生来 医生来了 给我们俩都做了检测Doctor came over to the house. Doctor came over
90 00:04:23 然后说:"你们俩都是阳性" 我说:"太扯了"Said
91 00:04:28 "太扯了！我怎么可能是阳性""Bullshit! No way I'm fucking positive."
92 00:04:31 我马上摸了两下我的鼻子I iediately touched my nose twice.
93 00:04:34 "我能这样做吗？""Could I do that?"
94 00:04:35 "如果我真的得了‘艾冠’ 我能连摸鼻子两次吗？""If I had the 'VID
95 00:04:39 被感染的患者不能触摸鼻子 这人人都知道Can't touch your nose with the 'VID. Everybody knows that.
96 00:04:43 医生说:"哈特先生 我很严肃地对你说 你是阳性"Said
97 00:04:45 这一下就让我家炸了锅This caused an uproar in my household
98 00:04:49 我和我的妻子吵得面红耳赤Me and my wife go at each other's throats
99 00:04:51 "谁他妈的把病毒带到家里了？""Who the fuck brought the 'VID up in this house?"
100 00:04:54 "是谁啊？""Who was it?"
101 00:04:56 你瞧瞧我们怎么看待彼此的朋友的Got to see how we felt about each other's friends.
102 00:04:59 "是那个该死的 经常跟你混在一起的潘 就是她""It was that nasty bitch Pam you always hanging with. That's who did it."
103 00:05:03 "脏脚的贱人""Dirty-foot bitch."
104 00:05:04 "她的脚脏兮兮的 她把病毒一路带到了这该死的家""Her feet dirty. She tracked the 'VID all through the goddamn house."
105 00:05:08 "脏脚的潘就是罪魁祸首""Dirty-foot Pam did it."
106 00:05:10 "她把该死的病毒弄得满房子都是""Got the fucking 'VID all in this goddamn house."
107 00:05:13 "赶快把地毯都洗了""Wash the carpets iediately."
108 00:05:16 医生让我冷静 说 "淡定些 凯文"Doctor calmed me down
109 00:05:20 "这个病能好 大约十到十四天 别紧张""It'll pass. Take ten to fourteen days. Relax."
110 00:05:23 "冷静 喝点儿茶""Chill out. Drink some tea."
111 00:05:25 那个医生他妈的就跟我说了这些话That's what the doctor told me to my fucking face.
112 00:05:28 "喝点儿茶""Drink some tea."
113 00:05:29 你是在逗我吗？Are you kidding me?
114 00:05:31 "我得了他妈的‘艾冠’病 医生！""I got the fucking 'VID
115 00:05:34 "喝茶能有个屁用？""The hell is tea gonna do for me?"
116 00:05:36 "我的呼吸机在哪儿？" 我就这么说的:"在哪儿？""Where's my ventilator?" That's what I said. "Where is it?"
117 00:05:39 "我应该用呼吸机 这人人都知道""I'm supposed to get a ventilator. Everybody knows that."
118 00:05:41 "得了‘艾冠’就要用呼吸机 网上都是这么说的""You get a ventilator with the 'VID. That's what they say in the blogs."
119 00:05:46 "你会没事儿的 哈特先生 你会没事儿的""You'll be fine
120 00:05:49 医生跟我说的这句话让我放心了些When the doctor told me that
121 00:05:52 记住 我一开始 可是处于最高恐慌级别I was at the highest level in the beginning.
122 00:05:55 喔 天啊Oh
123 00:05:56 疫情刚传到美国时When it first hit
124 00:05:57 我的天啊 我不知所措oh
125 00:06:00 我去给所有的车加了油I went and put gas in all the fucking cars.
126 00:06:05 想着以备逃离的时候用Gotta be able to escape.
127 00:06:06 那些感染上的人都变成了僵尸Motherfuckers turning into zombies here.
128 00:06:08 我吓坏了I was scared.
129 00:06:10 我去买了饮用水和卷纸 能买多少我就买了多少Went and bought all the water and toilet paper I could find.
130 00:06:13 我还是不能理解 为什么我们要疯狂购买厕纸Still don't know why we went on this toilet paper kick.
131 00:06:15 卷纸有什么重要的？What was so special about toilet paper?
132 00:06:17 没人告诉过我Nobody told me.
133 00:06:18 "艾冠"这病能让人腹泻吗？ 到底为什么？Did the 'VID make you shit? What was it? What…
134 00:06:21 我们买了那么多该死的卷纸We bought all the fucking toilet paper.
135 00:06:24 我买了那么多挂面！Dry noodles
136 00:06:27 还有口罩 我疯狂购买口罩The mask
137 00:06:30 一开始 我不知道该买哪种口罩In the beginning
138 00:06:32 我有个普通口罩 我朋友告诉我:"喂 哥们儿Had a regular mask. My friend told me
139 00:06:35 那个口罩不对 病毒能透过那个口罩的"that ain't the right mask
140 00:06:39 "那个口罩不能帮你抵御 ‘艾冠’病毒的""That mask ain't gonna protect you against the 'VID."
141 00:06:41 "不是吧！""Fuck!
142 00:06:43 "你是认真的吗？" "我是 你需要的是N95口罩"Are you serious?" "I'm serious. You gotta get the N95s."
143 00:06:46 "噢 该死""Oh
144 00:06:48 我上网囤了网站上所有N95口罩Went on a website
145 00:06:52 我花了2万美元买N95口罩I spent 20 grand on N95s.
146 00:06:56 第二天我出去 看到了一个黑人用一个胸罩掩面Went outside the day after
147 00:06:59 甚至都不是…Wasn't even a…
148 00:07:01 用胸罩带子系着 什么玩意儿？那不是N95口罩With a bra strap. What the fuck? That's not a N95.
149 00:07:05 那是个A罩杯的胸罩 他妈的发生了什么？That's a A-cup bra. What the hell just happened?
150 00:07:08 他买这个花不了2万美金 不可能He didn't spend 20 grand on that. No way.
151 00:07:11 有人骗了我Somebody duped me
152 00:07:14 我妻子直白地跟我说 "亲爱的 你知道吗？"My wife told me flat-out
153 00:07:16 "这个病让你昏了头 你应该出去走走""This is messing with your head. You gotta get out this house."
154 00:07:19 "你应该出去走走""You gotta get out the house."
155 00:07:21 我说:"外面什么都没有"I said
156 00:07:24 "什么都没有 没有值得我出去的理由""Nothing. There's no reason for me to go outside this house."
157 00:07:28 "没可能""No shot."
158 00:07:29 "外面的东西 我都没有兴趣""The things outside this house
159 00:07:33 我说:"外面有人群 可是我不喜欢人群""There's people out there. I don't like people." I said it.
160 00:07:37 我把秘密抖出来了 我他妈的不再喜欢人群了Cat's out the bag. I don't fucking like people anymore.
161 00:07:40 你们赢了 你们让我一败涂地You won. You beat me up.
162 00:07:42 你们他妈的胜利了You fucking won
163 00:07:44 知道为何吗？You know how?
164 00:07:45 因为你们毁了世界上最好的工作Because you guys have managed to fuck up the best job in the world
165 00:07:49 曾几何时 成名让人趋之若鹜At one point in time
166 00:07:52 做名人是全世界最好的职业and best job on the fucking planet.
167 00:07:55 就算你没有成名 你也想沾一点边If you didn't have it
168 00:07:57 你想享受那一点点的甜头You wanted to taste a little bit of it.
169 00:07:59 我出了名 我的名声在外 家喻户晓I got it. I got to the highest level of it
170 00:08:01 但是后来你们毁了我 你们彻底毁了我and then you fucked me
171 00:08:04 这一代彻底毁了我Oh
172 00:08:09 一切都得妥协Everything's gotta be compromised.
173 00:08:10 在现在这一代 一切都得被拍成视频Everything's gotta be videoed in this generation.
174 00:08:12 如果没有被视频记录 则不存在If it's not on video
175 00:08:15 这就是这代人的生存模式That's how this generation lives.
176 00:08:17 让我来告诉你们 在1986年 如果你是警察或者联邦调查局人员Let me tell you guys the scariest thing that you could do to a Black man in 1986
177 00:08:21 你能对黑人做的最可怕的事是什么if you were the cops or the feds.
178 00:08:23 他们能做的最可怕的事是 告诉一个黑人说他被录下来了Scariest thing that you could do is tell a Black man that you had him on tape.
179 00:08:28 如果联邦调查局来找你说 "我们录下了你的行为"If the feds came up
180 00:08:31 "你会去坐牢的" 他会被吓坏 "什么？谁？我？"He'll shit himself
181 00:08:35 "录下了？""On tape?"
182 00:08:38 他接着哭了起来Oh! He'd start crying.
183 00:08:41 "我被他妈的录下了""I'm on fucking tape."
184 00:08:45 "你们都要他妈的坐牢 "All y'all going to fucking jail.
185 00:08:46 我们把你们全部都录下来了"We got all y'all on tape."
186 00:08:49 黑人会跟他的朋友说:"出来吧 加尔文 马库斯 特兰斯"He'll tell all his friends
187 00:08:52 "他们抓住我们了 安东尼 包括你""They got us. Anthony
188 00:08:55 "他们说把我们都录下来了 我们肯定都要去坐牢了""Said they got us all on tape. We're going to jail
189 00:08:58 "我们都要他妈的去坐牢了""We're going to fucking jail."
190 00:09:02 "我们被录下来了""We on tape."
191 00:09:03 吓唬黑人 联邦调查局只要说 "你们被录下来了"That's all the feds had to say
192 00:09:08 这是对黑人来说最恐怖的事儿Scariest thing you could do.
193 00:09:10 你们大家没有意识到 你们现在正在免费给联邦调查局做事You guys don't even realize that you're the feds… for free.
194 00:09:14 你们甚至得不到任何报酬 是他妈的免费的You're not even getting paid. For fucking free.
195 00:09:17 你们现在整天都在告发别人You're just telling on people all goddamn day.
196 00:09:20 就是一群该死的告发者 真恶心Just a bunch of walking fucking snitches. It's disgusting.
197 00:09:25 恶心It's disgusting.
198 00:09:27 我有次去麦当劳…这是个真事儿I went to McDonald's… This is a true story.
199 00:09:29 我去麦当劳I go to McDonald's.
200 00:09:31 我在得来速 你知道吗？I'm at the drive-through
201 00:09:33 我想吃一个巨无霸套餐 我很久都没吃过了I want a Big Mac Meal. I haven't had one in so long.
202 00:09:35 我因为能吃到巨无霸汉堡兴奋不已I'm so excited for this fucking Big Mac.
203 00:09:38 噢 我的天 我迫不及待要吃到巨无霸汉堡Oh
204 00:09:41 我拿到了巨无霸 很兴奋 我在停车场驻了车I get the Big Mac. I'm excited. I pull over in the parking lot.
205 00:09:44 我开始狼吞虎咽地吃这个汉堡I start fucking the Big Mac up.
206 00:09:46 我把脸埋了进去 满脸都是汉堡包Smashing it. It's all over my face
207 00:09:49 我爽翻了I'm happy as hell.
208 00:09:51 我转头看左边 一个女人正在车窗外拍我I turn to my left
209 00:09:54 她说:"拍下了你的衰样"She said
210 00:09:57 我很紧张 "你他妈的在干嘛 女士？"I got nervous. "What the fuck is you doing
211 00:10:00 她说:"但是我拍到了你的衰样"She said
212 00:10:04 "拍到我的衰样是他妈什么意思？ 我做什么了？""What the fuck you mean
213 00:10:07 我十分紧张 放下了汉堡 我放下了该死的汉堡I'm so nervous
214 00:10:11 我拿起了手机 打开推特 通过社交媒体发了一个道歉的帖子I grabbed my phone
215 00:10:17 我说:"我很抱歉"I said
216 00:10:20 我道歉的原因是因为两天前The reason why I apologized is because two days earlier
217 00:10:24 我刚刚宣布我要永远吃素that I was going plant-based full-time. I'd just said it.
218 00:10:28 她拍的视频使我颜面扫地 人设崩塌This video was detrimental to everything that I stood for at the moment.
219 00:10:34 我得向素食群体致歉Had to issue an apology to the plant-based counity.
220 00:10:37 做一个支持者Became an ally.
221 00:10:39 捐款 参加游行 我不得不尽全力Made a donation
222 00:10:44 站在奶牛旁边合影 真的很累人Stood by the side of cows
223 00:10:48 你们改变了我 我不喜欢现在这个自己I don't like what you guys have made me become.
224 00:10:51 我不喜欢 我再也受不了了I don't like it. I'm no longer comfortable.
225 00:10:54 你们切换了我的身份You switched it on me.
226 00:10:56 他妈的！Fuck!
227 00:10:57 你们切换了我的身份You switched it on me
228 00:10:59 很长时间了 明星觉得大众是怪人For the longest time
229 00:11:03 "那些人有时很奇怪 哥们儿""Them motherfuckers get weird sometimes
230 00:11:06 "大众变得奇怪了" 我们就是这样看待大众的"People get weird." That's how we looked at people.
231 00:11:08 因为你们 我们现在成了奇怪的人You switched it. We're the weird people now.
232 00:11:10 你们看着我们问:"他没毛病吧？" You look at us
233 00:11:12 我们成了怪人We're the weird people.
234 00:11:14 我在公众场合束手束脚 "喂 你为什么盯着我？"I don't know how to act in public. "Why are you staring?"
235 00:11:17 "干什么呢 哥们儿？""What's going on
236 00:11:18 我想大家都明白 "把你的手从裤兜里拿出来"I think everybody knows. "Get your hands out your pocket."
237 00:11:21 "干嘛呢？拿出来啊""What's happening? Come on."
238 00:11:23 "你要对我做什么？ 吃了我吗？拜托 哥们儿""Fuck you about to do to me? You about to eat me? Come on."
239 00:11:26 "你他妈的说什么呢？ 没人关心你在干什么""The fuck you talking about? Nobody worried about your ass."
240 00:11:29 "真扯 注意那个戴眼镜的男人 他在看我""Bullshit. Look at that guy looking at me in his glasses."
241 00:11:32 "我看到某些人的时候就知道 他们觉得搞定我了 他们是要整我""I know somebody thinks I'm dinner when I see it. They trying to eat me."
242 00:11:37 真是欲加之罪 何患无词Making crazy accusations all over the fucking place.
243 00:11:40 我要崩溃了Losing my mind.
244 00:11:41 要疯了Going crazy.
245 00:11:43 你们大伙儿让我觉得 我活得像一个大毒枭You guys got me living my life like a successful drug dealer.
246 00:11:47 这是个真事儿 真的 曾经有段时间It's a true story. True story. There was a time
247 00:11:49 你要是想来我家找我 你就要脱光了if you wanted to come to talk to me
248 00:11:52 进该死的泳池Get in the fucking pool.
249 00:11:54 谁知道你是不是戴了窃听器？ "你是谁派来的？"How else would I know that you're not wearing a wire? "Who you with?"
250 00:11:57 "E！娱乐网？《人物》周刊？ 到底是哪儿的？""E!? People? Who the fuck is you with?"
251 00:11:59 "来这儿找小报的素材 我不相信你说的话 老爸""Came for a story for tabloids. I don't trust you
252 00:12:04 "我是你爸" "闭嘴 贱人！""I'm your father." "Shut up
253 00:12:07 "你最近在跟谁联系 老爸？" "进泳池""Who you been talking to
254 00:12:10 "到1米8深水区我们再聊""Finish this conversation in six feet."
255 00:12:13 "换一下 到1米2的浅水区 我看不见了 到浅水区吧""Switch that. Four. Go to four feet. I can't see. Go to four."
256 00:12:19 这就是我的现状This is where I am.
257 00:12:21 这就是我的现状啊This is where I am.
258 00:12:24 我妻子说了一样的话 "亲爱的 你变老了"My wife says the same things
259 00:12:26 "你变得暴躁易怒 你应该去散散心 找回自己""Getting angry
260 00:12:30 "找回你原来的样子 你不能这样活着""Get back to your ways of old. You can't live like this."
261 00:12:34 我决定重新开始讲脱口秀 我说:"宝贝 你说得对I decided to do stand-up again. I said
262 00:12:38 我应该重新开始说脱口秀" 从此我又找回了自己start doing stand-up comedy again." That's how I get back to myself.
263 00:12:42 从此我又找回了自己That's how I get back to me.
264 00:12:45 我告诉我的朋友们 我又开始说脱口秀了I told my friends I was gonna start doing comedy again.
265 00:12:48 他们说:"你又开始用你的老婆孩子 讲段子了？"They said
266 00:12:51 我说:"我还能讲什么？"I said
267 00:12:55 我没其他人可讲了I don't have nothing else.
268 00:12:56 所有死党在性爱视频后就离我而去了All my bitches left after the sex tape.
269 00:12:58 我的每个死党 一个不剩Every bitch I had
270 00:13:01 他们每一个 "洛林 格拉迪斯 珀尔 你们去哪儿啊？"Every one of them. "Where you going
271 00:13:06 "你们去哪儿？""Where you going?"
272 00:13:08 这些都是老一辈用的名字 因为当年我的死党年龄较大These are older names 'cause I had older bitches at the time.
273 00:13:13 "回来吧 艾瑟尔 来吧 哥们儿""Get back here
274 00:13:16 "别这样对我""Don't do this to me."
275 00:13:17 "马格努斯 来吧 求你了""Magnus
276 00:13:20 "别这样""Please don't do this."
277 00:13:23 "洛雷塔 你不能走 来嘛""Loretta
278 00:13:28 我还有谁？What else do I have?
279 00:13:29 我别无选择I have to.
280 00:13:31 用我的孩子们写段子是没办法的事儿Talking about my kids is a must
281 00:13:34 没办法 他们是我日常生活的一部分A must. They're part of my everyday life.
282 00:13:36 我不知道除此之外我还能讲什么I don't know what else to talk about
283 00:13:38 讲不出日常生活之外的事儿outside of the things that I go through on the daily.
284 00:13:41 我的孩子们与我朝夕相处My kids are with me on a daily.
285 00:13:44 两个青少年 一个三岁儿子 还有一个随时会出生的小婴儿Two teenagers
286 00:13:47 随时都可能出生Any fucking day now. -
287 00:13:52 我想要做绝育 他妈的不能再生孩子了About to throw these balls in the trash. I ain't having no more fucking babies.
288 00:13:56 这个宝宝出生以后我就去绝育I'a roof these balls after this fucking baby come.
289 00:13:58 我要把自己的蛋蛋割下来 扔到房顶上I'a take both balls
290 00:14:01 要是你觉得我还能生孩子You can kiss my ass
291 00:14:02 那你就失算了 我保证thinking another child is coming out of these balls
292 00:14:06 谁要说孩子是我的 他就是说谎You're a liar if you say it's my baby.
293 00:14:08 在这个婴儿出生之后我就不要蛋蛋了Balls in the trash after this baby.
294 00:14:12 我的女儿和我比以前更亲近了My daughter and I are closer than we've ever been.
295 00:14:14 我女儿太爱交男朋友了My daughter's boy crazy.
296 00:14:16 爱交男朋友Boy crazy.
297 00:14:18 我依然要装出一副我喜欢的样子Once again
298 00:14:19 我不喜欢 但我需要装作喜欢I don't. You gotta act like you do.
299 00:14:22 我喜欢讲这个 在我的特辑里I love that
300 00:14:24 你能看到我的孩子们的成长 我喜欢这部分you get to see the growth of my fucking kids.
301 00:14:28 你能看到他们的变化You see their development.
302 00:14:30 他们长大了They're getting older
303 00:14:31 我女儿告诉我 她喜欢他们学校叫马修的男孩Daughter told me she likes this boy named Matt at her school.
304 00:14:34 "爸爸 我喜欢这个叫马修的男孩 天啊 他太帅了""Dad
305 00:14:38 "他让我开心 我想要他""He makes me laugh. I want him."
306 00:14:40 "那是他妈的什么意思？""What the fuck does that mean?"
307 00:14:42 "那是什么意思？""What does that mean?"
308 00:14:44 "‘我要他’ 你说的是什么话 小屁孩儿？""I want him." "What the fuck are you saying
309 00:14:48 "我该告诉他吗？" "如果你想 就告诉他""Should I tell him?" "If that's how you feel
310 00:14:51 她到学校告诉了他自己的感觉 回到家里She goes to school
311 00:14:53 "爸爸 天啊 知道吗？""Dad
312 00:14:55 "马修也喜欢我 我们好了"Matt likes me back. We're a thing."
313 00:14:57 "祝贺你啊 宝贝 我替你高兴""Good for you
314 00:14:59 "但是拜托你一件事 不要做出格的事""Do me a favor
315 00:15:01 "好的 爸爸""Okay
316 00:15:03 两天后 她回家She comes back home two days later.
317 00:15:05 "爸爸 我不再喜欢马修了 我喜欢叫罗勃的男孩""Dad
318 00:15:08 "他长得更帅 他更讨我欢心 他才是我想要的""He look better
319 00:15:12 "这正常 有的时候你以为你喜欢谁"It happens. Sometimes you think you like somebody
320 00:15:14 你又见到其他人 你才意识到 那才是你真正喜欢的人"you meet somebody else
321 00:15:18 "这就是生活""It's called life."
322 00:15:20 "想到就去做 向前看 向原先那个人坦白""Make it happen. Move on. Be honest with the other person."
323 00:15:23 "好吧 爸爸 我爱你""Right
324 00:15:24 "别做出格的事儿""Keep it in the kid space."
325 00:15:26 一周后 "爸爸 我不喜欢罗勃了"A week goes by. "Dad
326 00:15:29 "我喜欢叫蒂姆的男孩""I like this boy named Tim."
327 00:15:31 我的脑子里即刻想到的是Instantly
328 00:15:33 "我的女儿是个娼妓 该死的娼妓"I said
329 00:15:36 "这个娼妓""This is ho shit."
330 00:15:38 在我眼皮底下兴风作浪Ho activity right in front of my face. -
331 00:15:42 我立刻给我之前认识的 一个娼妓打了电话I iediately called a ho that I knew from the past.
332 00:15:45 问了问她 她以前是不是也是这样Asked her if this is how it went down for her.
333 00:15:48 连续换了三个男朋友 她说:"是的 用一样的方式"Three boys back-to-back. She said
334 00:15:52 "接下来 我便发现自己在浴室里 跟男生做爱了" 这是发生了什么？"Next thing I knew
335 00:15:56 我不想让我的宝贝女儿干那事 我要拯救她Don't want my baby plucking balls. I gotta save her.
336 00:16:00 我应该见见这些男孩们I gotta see these boys.
337 00:16:01 我去了她学校 想看看他们长什么样Went to school. Wanted to see what they look like.
338 00:16:04 我见到了他们I saw 'em.
339 00:16:06 我第一个见了马修 老实说Saw Matt first. Gotta be honest.
340 00:16:08 挺帅的小男生 性格也很好Charming little kid
341 00:16:11 我知道她为什么喜欢马修 我看到了 也理解了I see why she likes Matt. I see it. I get it.
342 00:16:14 帅帅的小男生 我理解Charming little boy. I get it.
343 00:16:17 风趣幽默 有人格魅力Personality
344 00:16:19 我明白她为什么喜欢马修 我懂的I see why you like Matt. I get it.
345 00:16:22 之后罗勃来了Then Rob walked in. Rob walked in.
346 00:16:25 我没有再看马修一眼 我把马修忘光了I didn't look at Matt again. I forgot all about Matt.
347 00:16:29 谁他妈的是马修？罗勃与之不同Who the fuck is Matt? Rob had a different thing.
348 00:16:31 性格出众Personality popped.
349 00:16:33 是活力与魅力的完美结合Had a bunch of pizzazz
350 00:16:35 他说话的时候爱用手势Used his hands a lot when he talked.
351 00:16:39 这个孩子有两下子This kid's got something.
352 00:16:41 我明白为什么她不喜欢马修了I see why she don't like fucking Matt.
353 00:16:44 之后蒂姆来了 蒂姆穿了条皮裤…Then Tim walked in. Tim had on leather pants…
354 00:16:47 还有飞鞋with Heelys. Know how confident you gotta be
355 00:16:48 你知道在高中里穿皮裤 需要多么自信吗？to wear leather pants in high school?
356 00:16:52 一个黑人孩子穿着皮裤Black kid with leather pants.
357 00:16:53 我没听说过任何一个黑人小孩穿皮裤There's no Black kid that I've ever heard about
358 00:16:55 除了摇滚歌手兰尼克拉维茨that wore leather pants outside of Lenny Kravitz.
359 00:16:57 那是唯一一个穿皮裤的黑人That's the only Black man.
360 00:17:00 并且据说兰尼在年轻的时候穿的And it's a rumor that Lenny did it at a young age.
361 00:17:03 蒂姆穿了飞鞋 滑过了整个房间Tim had Heelys on
362 00:17:06 上帝啊Jesus Christ
363 00:17:08 他腋下夹着烟 我说:"你吸烟吗？"Cigarettes under his arms. I said
364 00:17:10 他说:"就为了看着酷" 说着他就从我身边滑走He said
365 00:17:13 妈的Fuck. -
366 00:17:15 现在的小孩儿们真的不一样Kids today are different.
367 00:17:17 我儿子和女儿很不一样My son and daughter are on two different pages.
368 00:17:19 这一点会让我大笑 一直都是Shit makes me laugh. Always have been.
369 00:17:21 他们俩一直都截然不同Always have been two completely different pages.
370 00:17:24 我儿子是…他是… 现在怎么叫这个来着？My son is… He's what you call… What do they call it today?
371 00:17:27 现在怎么叫那种小孩儿…What are kids called today
372 00:17:30 傻 就是这个 我知道了 傻Dumb. There it is. I got it. Dumb.
373 00:17:33 学习不好Struggling academically.
374 00:17:35 我知道你们想:"别说自己孩子傻" 为什么不？他是我的孩子You are like
375 00:17:39 有其父必有其子Chip off the old fucking block.
376 00:17:41 我不是以一个聪明人的身份站在这里 我也蠢到家了Not like I'm standing up here as a smart-ass. I was dumb as shit
377 00:17:45 目前我混得还算可以Worked out for me so far.
378 00:17:46 傻是我家的特色Dumb is the way to go in my household.
379 00:17:50 是我家的专利It's the right way to go.
380 00:17:52 所以学校让我气炸了 他们总是给我打电话Then it pisses me off as the school constantly calls me
381 00:17:55 提醒我我儿子的学习问题to remind me of my son's educational problems.
382 00:18:00 "哈特先生 他又挂了一门儿""Mr. Hart
383 00:18:02 "哈特先生 他的成绩下降了""Mr. Hart
384 00:18:04 "想不想讨论一下您儿子的成绩？""Want to discuss your son's grades?" "They continue to drop."
385 00:18:06 "他成绩持续下降" 我打断他们说 "别再打电话给我了"I snapped on 'em
386 00:18:09 "别再因为他的成绩打电话给我了 要打找他自己""Don't call me about his grades no more. Call him."
387 00:18:12 "找他 这是他的问题 不是我的""Call him. That's his problem. Not my problem."
388 00:18:14 "据我所知 我上过学 "Last I checked
389 00:18:16 考试也及格了 我现在成功了"I passed. I'm successful.
390 00:18:18 "我不想再来学校了 I'm not going to school again.
391 00:18:19 他需要他妈的考试及格 不是我"He needs to fucking pass that class
392 00:18:22 "有事打给他""Call him."
393 00:18:24 私立学校有个很怪的地方Private schools
394 00:18:27 实话讲 我不怎么喜欢私立学校Not much of a fan of private schools
395 00:18:30 我一点都不喜欢私立学校I am not a fan of private schools at all.
396 00:18:33 是的 我的孩子们上的是私立学校 但这不代表我喜欢My kids attend private schools. Doesn't mean I'm a fan of it.
397 00:18:36 我觉得私立学校不让孩子们面对现实I feel like private schools protect kids from reality.
398 00:18:39 他们保护你They protect you.
399 00:18:41 保护你不被该死的现实打击They protect you from fucking reality.
400 00:18:44 私立学校…Private school…
401 00:18:46 私立学校培养出贱人 我是这么觉得的 我就说出来了Private schools breed bitches. That's how I feel. I said it.
402 00:18:49 我说了就不后悔 这确实是我的感受I'm not taking it back. That's how I fucking feel.
403 00:18:51 私立学校培养出贱人Private schools breed bitches.
404 00:18:55 我今天感觉不错 我放飞自我 畅所欲言了I'm in my comfort zone
405 00:18:58 我是怎么想的 就怎么说了Everything that I fucking feel
406 00:19:01 你见过一个私立学校毕业的 成年人被人打吗？You ever see a grown man get punched in the face that went to private school?
407 00:19:04 他会立刻想找自己的老师He iediately looks for a teacher.
408 00:19:13 他就…他就会给你来这些…He just… He gives you five of these… ""
409 00:19:16 "我不懂为啥？""I don't know. Why?"
410 00:19:18 想找人向他解释他为什么挨揍 "我不懂 为什么？什么？"Looking for somebody to tell him why. "I don't know. Why? What?"
411 00:19:22 "我们需要权威仲裁 什么时候开会啊？""We gotta have an arbitration. When's the meeting?"
412 00:19:24 公立学校是截然不同的Public schools
413 00:19:26 在公立学校 你别无选择 只能他妈的长大成熟Public schools
414 00:19:29 你没有办法 只能在公立学校里自立自强You got no choice but to grow up in public schools.
415 00:19:32 学校就是一个鱼龙混杂的大缸 你被无情地丢进去It's a pot of fuckshit. They just throw you in it.
416 00:19:35 你被丢进去 但是没人给你做心理建设They throw you in it. Nobody prepares you for the shit you gonna see.
417 00:19:39 我第一次见白人是在公立学校I saw my first white person in public school.
418 00:19:43 我都不知道那他妈的是什么I didn't know what the fuck it was.
419 00:19:45 他是学校里唯一的白人 "那是什么？老天爷！"It was the only one there. "The fuck is that? Jesus Christ!"
420 00:19:49 我以为是《星球大战》里的人 "那是暴风突击队的"I thought it was somebody from Star Wars
421 00:19:53 "他妈的暴风突击队的人来这儿了""Fucking stormtrooper right there."
422 00:19:55 其实只是一个白人从走廊经过Just a white person walking down the hall.
423 00:19:58 我大呼小叫…I was making the noises…
424 00:20:02 "那不是一个暴风突击队的人吗？""It's a fucking stormtrooper. No?"
425 00:20:05 "不是 那是个白人""No
426 00:20:06 "我不知道 没人告诉过我那是什么""I never knew. Nobody told me what it was."
427 00:20:10 公立学校把你丢进这鱼龙混杂的大缸Public school throws you into a pot of fuckshit.
428 00:20:12 这里无所不有Everything is there.
429 00:20:14 白人、黑人、墨西哥人 中国人、波多黎各人White people
430 00:20:18 胖的、瘦的、同性恋的、异性恋的Fat
431 00:20:20 脏的、干净的 都在这儿了Dirty
432 00:20:23 他们把你丢进人堆 你得自己弄清楚是怎么回事They just push you in. You gotta figure it out.
433 00:20:26 孩子们会害怕Kids are scared.
434 00:20:32 他们就马上找老师 "我害怕 帮帮我"They run to the teacher
435 00:20:34 老师说:"我也害怕 贱人"The teacher answer
436 00:20:38 "我们过的是同一个金属探测安检 你以为我不害怕吗？""Walked through the same metal detectors. Don't think I'm scared?"
437 00:20:42 "背靠柜子 注意周围情况""Keep your back against the locker
438 00:20:44 "什么？""What?"
439 00:20:46 "装一点梅斯催泪毒气进塑料瓶""Get you Mace
440 00:20:48 "对他挤出来 我会这么做的" "对他挤出来？""Gush it at him. That's what I'd do." "Gush it?"
441 00:20:52 我觉得我孩子们的私立学校 I don't feel like my kids' private school
442 00:20:54 不尊重我的名人地位respects my level of celebrity.
443 00:20:58 我真的这么觉得的I don't. I really don't.
444 00:21:00 我是这么想的 我对天发誓 我说过了我说的都是实话I mean this. I swear to God
445 00:21:04 这是我的家 我可不会含蓄It's my fucking household. I'm not holding back.
446 00:21:06 他们不尊重我的名人地位They don't respect my level of celebrity.
447 00:21:11 我是个很谦虚的人I'm a very humble guy.
448 00:21:14 也许说了这些话显得我并不谦虚 但是我确实是个很谦虚的人May not seem like it after that sentence
449 00:21:19 理解的人自会懂 不需我解释 你懂我是什么人 我知道你懂我What's understood doesn't need to be said. You know who I am. I know you know it.
450 00:21:23 不用逼我介绍我是谁Don't make me say who I am.
451 00:21:25 他们使我不得不说出我的身份They put me in the position to have to say who I am.
452 00:21:29 我去学校送孩子们 老师们出来围住我的车I go drop my kids off at school
453 00:21:33 "哈特先生 我们想要和你聊两句""Mr. Hart
454 00:21:35 "游乐会马上就要来了""The big fair is coming up."
455 00:21:38 "我们每年都在学校 举办一次游乐会""We do this fair once a year at the school."
456 00:21:40 "我们希望"We would love it
457 00:21:42 您可以在今年的大会做迎宾"if you would be the greeter at this year's fair."
458 00:21:55 我给了她很长时间 让她说:"我是开玩笑的"I gave her time for her to say
459 00:21:58 她最终也没说She never said it.
460 00:22:00 我说:"你他妈是在逗我吗？"I said
461 00:22:02 "没 这是我们最大的游乐会""No
462 00:22:04 "我们希望您来做迎宾""We would love it if you would be the greeter."
463 00:22:06 "我们觉得在今年的游乐会 您将会是一个很棒的迎宾""We think you would make an amazing greeter at this year's fair."
464 00:22:10 在我继续讲这个段子之前我要声明Before I go on with this joke
465 00:22:13 首先 我不歧视迎宾First things first
466 00:22:17 明白吗？我不想讲了这个段子 之后出门Okay? I don't wanna tell this joke and walk outside my house
467 00:22:20 看到你们都举着牌子说 "封杀凯文哈特and you're there with signs talking "Cancel Kevin Hart
468 00:22:23 因为他不尊重迎宾"'cause he don't respect greeters."
469 00:22:25 "封杀他 因为他不尊重迎宾""Cancel Kevin Hart 'cause he don't respect the greeters."
470 00:22:27 迎宾是很棒的Greeters are amazing people.
471 00:22:30 他们做的是本职工作 我懂的The job is actually required. I get it.
472 00:22:33 我自己见过一些很好的迎宾I've actually been hit with amazing greetings in my time.
473 00:22:37 我在沃尔玛 见过一个超棒的迎宾…I went to Walmart
474 00:22:41 我甚至不知道他从哪里来 他滑进了我的视野I don't even know where he came from. He just slid in my POV.
475 00:22:45 我进去 他说:"欢迎光临沃尔玛"I walked in. He was like
476 00:22:47 "你来这儿买点东西？" 我说:"搞什么？""Here to get some stuff?" I said
477 00:22:50 "你从哪儿来的 伙计？""Where did you come from
478 00:22:53 "你最好买一点东西 我们在大减价""You better get some stuff. We rolling back prices."
479 00:22:56 之后他走着太空步就走了Then he moonwalked. He just moonwalked out the way.
480 00:22:58 我说:"刚才他妈的发生了什么？"I said
481 00:23:00 "刚才发生了什么？" "What just happened here?"
482 00:23:03 我被这个欢迎震撼了I was so blown away by the greeting
483 00:23:05 我不仅买了些东西not only did I go get me some stuff
484 00:23:07 而且临走的时候一直伸着脖子找他I broke my neck looking for this guy on the way out.
485 00:23:11 我想让他看看我买了什么 "嘿 过来 伙计！"I wanted him to see my stuff. "Hey
486 00:23:15 "嘿 过来 我想让你看看我买了什么""Hey
487 00:23:20 他过来了 我打开袋子 然后他…He came over
488 00:23:26 他说:"你买了些好东西"He said
489 00:23:33 拿出了记号笔Took out his highlighter
490 00:23:33 在我的小票上划了划 这样别人就知道我没有偷东西swiped my receipt so people knew I didn't steal.
491 00:23:37 他说:"你一定要再来见见我啊"Said
492 00:23:39 我问:"你会在这儿吗？"他说:"我不在谁在？" I said
493 00:23:42 他又踏着太空步走了 我当时想:"不是吧？"Moonwalks out the way again. I said
494 00:23:45 "这是我见过的最好的迎宾""It's one of the best greetings I've ever seen
495 00:23:49 "我当然会再来看你""Of course I'a come back and see you again."
496 00:23:52 我并不是在讲迎宾的坏话 我只是说我不必亲自做这行I'm not shitting on greeters. I'm just saying I didn't have to go that route.
497 00:23:57 我一步一个脚印走到今天 功成名就I went around that to get to my success.
498 00:24:01 你不应该来找我做什么迎宾You don't come to me and ask me to be the fucking greeter.
499 00:24:04 我当时有个很厉害的电影在上映I had a number-one movie in the box office at the time.
500 00:24:08 我的脸就印在公交车的广告上I was on the side of fucking buses.
501 00:24:11 你怎么能让我当迎宾You don't ask me to be the greeter.
502 00:24:14 有些过去的演员 也把孩子送到这所学校There are parents that got kids that go there
503 00:24:17 你可以问问他们啊that are former actors and actresses that you could have asked.
504 00:24:20 在《茶煲表哥》里 扮演卡尔顿的阿万索？Carlton from the Fresh Prince
505 00:24:23 他才是你们要找的迎宾 在那儿That's your greeter. This right here.
506 00:24:25 那是入场处该有的人 那是你们迎宾的首选That's what you want in front. That's your greeter.
507 00:24:29 泰瑞克鲁斯 他的孩子也在这上学Terry Crews. He got kids there.
508 00:24:31 那才是你们的迎宾 在入场处秀抖肌肉吸引人们That's your greeter. Pec-popping at the front.
509 00:24:38 "欢迎来到游乐会 谁要门票？""Hey… Welcome to the fair. Who want a ticket? Hey
510 00:24:42 多好的一个组合 家长们会为之疯狂的What a combination. Parents would've went crazy. "Whoa!
511 00:24:45 "多好的一个学校""What a school."
512 00:24:48 "我想要门票 我能买多少买多少""I want tickets. I'm gonna buy every ticket I can."
513 00:24:53 家长们会被震撼到 这些迎宾太赞了Parents would be blown away. These greeters are amazing.
514 00:24:57 我妻子一如既往地说Wife said what she normally says.
515 00:25:00 "凯文 冷静""Kevin
516 00:25:02 "清醒一下 你变老了 更加暴躁易怒了"Get yourself together. You getting older
517 00:25:05 你不能让这些负能量影响孩子们"and you don't want that energy to rub off on your kids."
518 00:25:08 这不会影响我的孩子们 我确定这不会It's not gonna rub off on my goddamn kids. I know it's not gonna rub off on my kids.
519 00:25:13 这次疫情让我有机会 多陪陪我的孩子们This pandemic gave me a chance to spend a lot of time with my kids.
520 00:25:16 花了很多时间陪伴我的孩子们 第一次我意识到A lot of time with my kids. For the first time
521 00:25:19 我的孩子们有点被惯坏了my kids are a little spoiled. They're a little spoiled.
522 00:25:21 他们有点被惯坏了 但不是 我们有意的 是外部因素导致的But it's not by choice
523 00:25:25 我有好孩子们 我的孩子是很好的孩子们 我说实话I have good kids. My kids are great kids. I gotta be honest.
524 00:25:29 我很幸运有这么好的孩子们I got very lucky. I got great kids.
525 00:25:31 但是因为他们的外部环境 他们有点被惯坏了But because of their circumstances
526 00:25:35 比方说 他们从一出生就坐私人飞机 他们没有要求这个For example
527 00:25:38 他们只是出生在这样的家庭They were born into that.
528 00:25:40 他们只是因为要和我一起出行They only travel with me.
529 00:25:42 他们第一次不和我出行 是在疫情期间 和我的前妻First time they traveled without me was during this pandemic with my ex-wife.
530 00:25:45 他们和他们的妈妈回费城去看外祖母Went back to Philadelphia with their mom to go see their grandma.
531 00:25:49 我的孩子们在机场给我打电话Kids called me from the airport.
532 00:25:50 那感觉好像是他们在巴格达You would have thought my kids were in Baghdad.
533 00:25:54 我这辈子从来没见过…I've never seen…
534 00:25:56 这么严重的恐慌a higher level of panic in my fucking life.
535 00:25:59 他们在机场打电话说:"爸爸！"Called me from the airport
536 00:26:02 "发生什么了？""What's happening?"
537 00:26:04 我的女儿说 "他们收走了我的润肤水和牙膏"My daughter was like
538 00:26:07 "我该怎么办啊？""What am I supposed to do?"
539 00:26:11 "他们让我走过金属…""They're making me walk through metal…"
540 00:26:13 我儿子夺过手机说 "这是怎么了 老爸？"My son snatched the phone
541 00:26:17 "他们不让我带我的包""They won't let me take my bags."
542 00:26:18 "他们不让我带 我的背包、拉杆箱、旅行包""They said I can't take my backpacks
543 00:26:22 "我要把我的游戏都托运了 我怎么玩啊 老爸？""I gotta put my games underneath. How am I gonna play 'em
544 00:26:28 我对他们俩说:"放松 别闹了！"I told them both
545 00:26:32 "你们俩都是""Both of you."
546 00:26:34 "这叫做安检""It's called security."
547 00:26:36 "这叫做运输安全管理""It's called TSA
548 00:26:39 "这叫做和你们妈妈一起生活""This is called life with your mother."
549 00:26:42 "知道吗？是不一样的""All right? There's a difference."
550 00:26:44 "地位降级了 但是不要紧""There's a drop-off. It's all right."
551 00:26:47 "世事无常 很正常""Things change."
552 00:26:49 "不过没关系""It's okay."
553 00:26:52 "你们俩都不会有事儿的""You'll both be fine."
554 00:26:54 我低估了我做的一些事儿 因为我从来不多想I overlooked some things I do because I never thought twice about 'em.
555 00:26:58 我和我的孩子去游乐园 我们把整个园区都玩了Me and my kids go to the amusement park
556 00:27:01 在三四十分钟以内玩遍整个园区The whole fucking park
557 00:27:04 怎么做到的呢？我事先打了电话 How? Well
558 00:27:06 他们安排了专人接待我们There's a concierge.
559 00:27:08 我去游乐场 有人接待我们全家I get to the park
560 00:27:10 带我们去每个游戏项目 不用排队 我们这样做了很多年up to the front of every single ride. Done it for years.
561 00:27:14 记住 我向孩子们解释说 "这是努力得来 不是理所应当的"Keep in mind
562 00:27:18 "没有天上掉馅饼的事儿""This doesn't just happen."
563 00:27:20 "你们的父亲非常勤奋地打拼 才有现在排在队伍前列的待遇""Your father worked hard to be able to walk to front of these fucking lines."
564 00:27:25 "这里是有规矩的 你不能随便插队走到最前面""There's rules. You don't just walk to the front of the line."
565 00:27:28 "第一个规矩是 当我们走到队伍最前面"Rule number one
566 00:27:30 你们不要和排队的人有眼神交流"you do not make eye contact with none of these fucking people in this line."
567 00:27:34 "你们听到了吗？""You hear me?"
568 00:27:36 "你们就径直往前看"You keep your eyes straight ahead
569 00:27:39 在走到队伍最前面之前 不要左顾右盼"and you don't fucking look left or right until we get to the front of the line."
570 00:27:44 "这些人会指指点点的"These people are gonna say things. They're gonna say a lot of mean things
571 00:27:47 说我 说你们"about me
572 00:27:49 "你只需要忽略他们""You just ignore 'em."
573 00:27:51 "忽略他们 知道为什么吗？ 我们一会儿就坐着车回家了""Ignore 'em
574 00:27:54 "我们不会再见到这些人了""Never gonna see these people again."
575 00:27:56 "你知道这些人会在哪儿待着吗？ 还是那该死的长队""You know where these people gonna be? Still in that fucking line."
576 00:28:00 "他们仍旧会在排队""Still gonna be in line."
577 00:28:03 "这就是现实""And that's reality."
578 00:28:07 我的孩子们想了想 明白了My kids processed that
579 00:28:10 多年以来 我们就是这么做的For years
580 00:28:12 他们在游乐园给我打电话They called me from the amusement park.
581 00:28:15 他们和表兄弟姐妹在一起 他们给我视频They were with their cousins
582 00:28:17 我接听了他们的视频电话 我可以看出他们很虚弱I answer their FaceTime. I could tell that they were weak.
583 00:28:21 憔悴不堪 好几个小时没吃东西了 我看得出来Malnourished
584 00:28:24 他们嘴角处泛着白沫They had white shit in the corner of their mouths.
585 00:28:28 他们都快站不住了They could barely stand.
586 00:28:33 "爸爸！""Dad!"
587 00:28:36 "我们排了好几个小时的队了 还没有玩任何一个项目""We've been in line for hours
588 00:28:42 "我们有快速通道票 但是一点儿也不快""We got the fast pass
589 00:28:48 "你能不能给什么人打个电话？ 做点什么？""Can you call somebody? Can you do something?"
590 00:28:51 我问:"你们和谁在一起？"I said
591 00:28:53 "我们的表兄弟姐妹""Our cousins."
592 00:28:54 "你们妈妈在那儿吗？" "在""Is your mother there?" "Yes."
593 00:28:56 "让你们妈妈接电话 我跟她说""Put mom on the phone
594 00:28:58 他们把电话给了他们妈妈 她说:"嗨 你好吗？" "嗨"Got their mom on the phone. She said
595 00:29:01 "你死定了 贱人" 我挂了电话"Checkmate
596 00:29:05 我很快就挂了I was quick.
597 00:29:08 我还没跟我前妻说过我要讲这些趣事I haven't went over these jokes with my ex-wife yet
598 00:29:10 我想让你们知道一下I wanna let you guys know.
599 00:29:12 讲这些段子 我是要付出代价的These jokes are gonna come with a price tag attached to 'em.
600 00:29:17 我可能得给她买一部特斯拉车之类的Probably have to buy her a Tesla truck or something.
601 00:29:19 总之我可能得付出些什么 不过这确实是个很好的段子Something's gotta happen. It's just a good fucking joke.
602 00:29:22 以上是两个好段子 我没办法不讲Those are two good jokes
603 00:29:25 我构思这些段子很久了I thought about those jokes for a long time.
604 00:29:28 我必须把它们讲给别人听 无论结果怎么样I gotta let 'em fly. It's worth the consequence.
605 00:29:32 这次录影之后 我会给她发几条信息 看她觉得如何I'll send her a couple of text messages after this tape and see how she feels.
606 00:29:39 我妻子一直都在说同样的话 "凯文 你变老了"My wife says the same all the time
607 00:29:43 "变得暴躁易怒了""Getting angry
608 00:29:45 我现在要告诉你我确实变老了 41岁了 大伙儿I'm here to tell you I am getting older. Forty-one now
609 00:29:49 很老 是吧？I know
610 00:29:52 时间都去哪了？Where does time go?
611 00:29:54 那时我只有22岁I was just 22 years old
612 00:29:56 来不及发现 时光已流逝You do not realize how fast time flies.
613 00:29:59 回忆往昔 我发行的所有喜剧特辑Look back
614 00:30:01 构成了我人生的时间轴that's a timeline of my fucking life.
615 00:30:03 那他妈的几乎是16年的喜剧生涯 大伙儿That's damn near 16 years of comedy
616 00:30:06 他妈的16年做喜剧 疯了Sixteen fucking years of comedy
617 00:30:10 41岁了Forty-one.
618 00:30:12 发生什么了？What happened?
619 00:30:14 40岁那年发生了变故Shit changes at the age of 40.
620 00:30:16 你听说过 但你无法相信 人生无常You hear about it
621 00:30:18 我要告诉你 世事无常I'm here to tell you
622 00:30:22 40岁之后我最大的变化是Biggest change for me
623 00:30:24 我的蛋蛋下坠了 变长了balls dropped. I got some length.
624 00:30:26 它们变长了 我本不想这样Got some fucking length on my balls. I didn't ask for it.
625 00:30:30 但就是发生了 我甚至不知道 我那时在厨房Just happened. I didn't even know. I was in the kitchen.
626 00:30:32 我弯下腰 我妻子说 "你的屁兜里怎么有骰子？"Bent over
627 00:30:35 "我他妈的没有往屁兜里放骰子""I ain't got no fucking dice in my back pocket."
628 00:30:38 摸了摸我的屁兜 "老天爷 那是我他妈的蛋蛋"Touched my back pocket
629 00:30:43 "我的蛋蛋怎么会跑到我的屁兜里？ 刚才发生了什么？""How did my balls get in my back pocket? What just happened to me?"
630 00:30:46 "我睡了多久？""How long was I asleep?"
631 00:30:49 "谁在我睡觉的时候拉扯我了？""Who stretched me out while I was asleep?"
632 00:30:54 最重要的是我在这个年纪 已经非常满足了The biggest thing for me is how content I am at this age
633 00:30:58 我很好I am okay.
634 00:31:00 我是很认真地讲 我很好 我不需要做太多I'm very serious
635 00:31:03 我喜欢待在他妈的家里I love being in the fucking house.
636 00:31:06 事实上我建了这栋房子I actually built the house.
637 00:31:08 我和我妻子建造了这栋房子 这是我们理想的栖所Me and my wife built the house
638 00:31:10 我们想要待在这该死的房子里We wanted to stay in this fucking house.
639 00:31:13 我们一起建一座梦想的爱巢吧 住在里面 永不离去Let's build our dream house to stay in it
640 00:31:17 女人们都有个问题 就是闲不住Women got a problem with doing this called sitting the fuck down.
641 00:31:20 对于女人来说 闲下来是很难的It's very difficult for women to sit the fuck down.
642 00:31:27 闲下来 妈的Sit the fuck down.
643 00:31:30 这是女人的难题That's a task for women.
644 00:31:32 女人最喜欢说的话就是 "我们去做点什么吧"A woman's favorite line
645 00:31:36 "做什么啊？" "不知道 做些事儿""What stuff?" "m-m Something."
646 00:31:39 "你他妈的说什么？" "做些事儿""The fuck are you saying?" "Something."
647 00:31:44 一群男人…A bunch of men…
648 00:31:45 一群男人开心地说:"对！"There's a bunch of men rejoicing. "Yeah!"
649 00:31:48 "做些事儿 我还不知道是什么 做些什么""Something
650 00:31:52 你知道我妻子最大的问题是什么吗？ 追赶流逝的时光You know what my wife's biggest problem is? Chasing her past.
651 00:31:56 试着做她年轻时做的事儿Trying to redo what she did when she was younger.
652 00:31:58 女士们 我给你们说句心里话 变老没什么Ladies
653 00:32:02 变老没有错There's nothing wrong with getting old.
654 00:32:05 没有任何问题There's nothing wrong with it.
655 00:32:07 不要和年龄较劲了Stop fighting old age.
656 00:32:10 变老过程中最美的事莫过于回首往事The beauty of getting older is that you get to look back and realize
657 00:32:13 意识到自己年轻时迈过的那些坎 干过的那些酷事all the dope shit that you overcame
658 00:32:17 那很酷的That's dope.
659 00:32:18 不要逃避衰老Stop trying to run from that.
660 00:32:22 不要试图抓住青春 它已经过去了Stop trying to redo that. It's over.
661 00:32:25 已经他妈的一去不复还了It's fucking over.
662 00:32:27 有天她跟我说 "我们今晚应该出去"She told me the other day
663 00:32:29 "我们应该出去疯狂一下"We should get fucked up."
664 00:32:33 我说:"绝不"I said
665 00:32:35 "我为什么要那样做？我不"No." "Why would I do that? No."
666 00:32:37 "那样伤身体 那样他妈的伤身体""It hurts. It fucking hurts now."
667 00:32:40 喝一杯烈酒 会他妈的灼伤我的胃 三到五分钟Take a shot
668 00:32:44 我左半边身体会发麻 我会发抖之类的My left side shut down
669 00:32:47 我会放屁或者腹泻 我不清楚是哪个 但是会有不良反应I gotta fart or shit. I don't know
670 00:32:52 面部扭曲Making dumbass faces.
671 00:32:53 我把喝酒的后果和我妻子 详细地讲了一番I describe this to my wife in great detail.
672 00:32:56 你知道我妻子说什么吗？You know what her answer was?
673 00:32:58 "你从来都不想和我享受生活""You don't never wanna have fun with me."
674 00:33:01 我说:"贱人 我刚跟你讲的 是中风的情形"I said
675 00:33:04 "那是中风""That's a stroke."
676 00:33:06 "那是真正的中风 我会瘫痪的""That's a legal stroke. I'm shutting down."
677 00:33:09 "你不想和我享受生活""You don't wanna have fun with me.
678 00:33:11 "你从来都不想做事"You don't ever want to do stuff."
679 00:33:15 你知道吗 40岁之后 你对什么都不那么感兴趣了After the age 40
680 00:33:19 我才他妈的不管呢I don't really give a fuck.
681 00:33:21 我妻子想出去 我不想 我说:"你去吧 我无所谓"My wife wanna go out
682 00:33:25 "我是认真的 我不管你做什么""I'm serious. I don't give a fuck what you do."
683 00:33:27 我并没有用憎恨或生气的语气 我很认真 我无所谓 去吧！Not in a malicious or angry way. I'm serious. I don't give a fuck. Go!
684 00:33:31 "玩得开心 去吧！"Have a good time. Go!"
685 00:33:33 女士们 你们不了解怎样做到无所谓 这是你们的问题Ladies
686 00:33:37 如果你们可以像男人那样洒脱If you guys could match a man's not-give-a-fuck energy
687 00:33:41 噢 天啊 世界会变得更好God
688 00:33:44 世界会变得更好 但是你们不知道怎么才能无所谓It'd be a better place. But you don't know how to not give a fuck.
689 00:33:47 你们总是自寻烦恼 因为你们…Always searching for a fuck 'cause you just…
690 00:33:50 你们不能 你们不换角度思考 你们无法理解You can't. You don't process it. You can't figure it out.
691 00:33:54 我现在跟你们讲你们的问题 女士们 我希望你们听好I'a tell you your problem
692 00:33:58 让女人生气的是以下这一点Here's what makes a woman really mad.
693 00:34:01 当男人做出的反应跟你觉得You guys get upset if a man does not give you the reaction
694 00:34:05 换了是你会有的反应不一样时 你就会不开心that you feel that you would give him.
695 00:34:09 我再重复一遍I'a say it again.
696 00:34:11 女士们 你们不高兴 因为男人做出的反应Ladies
697 00:34:17 跟你觉得换了是你会有的反应不一样that you feel that you would give him.
698 00:34:21 所以 你们才会总是寻求别人在乎Hence why you're always searching for a give-a-fuck.
699 00:34:25 因为你们总是想 "换了是我 我就会在乎"'Cause on the other side
700 00:34:28 是啊Yeah.
701 00:34:29 -"所以你也应该在乎" -是"So you should give a fuck." -Yeah.
702 00:34:31 这就是你们为什么想要别人也在乎That's why you search for give-a-fucks.
703 00:34:34 我妻子总是要求别人在乎My wife constantly search for 'em.
704 00:34:37 她想出去 我说:"去吧"She wants to go out. "Go out."
705 00:34:39 她不会满意离去的 "好吧 宝贝 我要出去了哦"She can't just leave. "All right
706 00:34:41 "好的""Cool."
707 00:34:44 "我和姐妹们去玩了""Me and the girls."
708 00:34:46 "知道了""Got it."
709 00:34:48 "我们可能会玩得很嗨啊""We probably getting fucked up tonight."
710 00:34:50 "随你便吧""Do you."
711 00:34:53 "我不知道我们什么时候回来""I don't know what time we coming back."
712 00:34:55 "我无论怎样肯定睡了 没事儿的""I'll be asleep either way
713 00:34:58 她想要我说一句关心的话 我没有！She's searching for give-a-fucks. There are no give-a-fucks!
714 00:35:01 "去吧！" "Go!"
715 00:35:03 我为你出去感到兴奋 这样我就能在肚脐上放着薯片吃了I'm excited for you to leave so I can eat chips off my belly button.
716 00:35:06 我无所谓I don't give a fuck.
717 00:35:07 "去吧！""Go!"
718 00:35:11 她们做不到漠不关心They can't do it.
719 00:35:13 所以她也想从男人那里得到关心Hence you want the same from men.
720 00:35:15 你们不理解 首先You don't understand
721 00:35:16 别指望我们和你们一样聪明灵利stop expecting us to be as bright and brilliant as you.
722 00:35:20 我告诉你吧 如果一个40岁以上的男人出门If a man goes out and he's over 40 years old
723 00:35:23 他不会做任何计划there is no plan attached to that.
724 00:35:25 没有任何安排There is no fucking agenda. There's no schedule.
725 00:35:28 别问问题了 因为我们不知道答案Stop asking questions because we don't have the answers.
726 00:35:31 我承认 男人和他们糟糕的过去Granted
727 00:35:34 会给女人带来些不安全感 我因此很惭愧and things they did in the past
728 00:35:37 但40岁以后 这种愧疚感不存在了but after the age of 40
729 00:35:40 感觉消失了 我们不再有所顾虑了 我们不在乎It goes away. We don't give a fuck about shit. We don't care.
730 00:35:43 别再期待不可能的事儿了Stop looking for shit.
731 00:35:45 我告诉她…有一次 我跟她说我要出去I told her… The one time I said I was going out.
732 00:35:48 "亲爱的 我要出去" "你去哪儿？""Babe
733 00:35:50 "我还不知道呢""I don't even know yet."
734 00:35:52 "你和谁去？""Who going with you?"
735 00:35:53 "估计谁来就带谁 不知道""Whoever
736 00:35:57 "你们要做什么？""What y'all gonna do?"
737 00:35:58 "我正在想呢 还不知道我们会做什么""I'm trying to figure it out now. I don't know what we're doing."
738 00:36:01 "去吃饭吗？""Y'all gonna eat?"
739 00:36:02 "希望是吧 我饿了 还没吃饭呢""I hope so
740 00:36:05 "何时回来？" "结束了就回来""What time you back?" "Whatever time we done."
741 00:36:07 "这是怎么回事儿？""What the fuck is going on here?"
742 00:36:09 "要给我的答案打分吗？ 这是干什么？我没有答案！""Am I getting graded? What's this? I don't have answers!"
743 00:36:12 "要是打分我一定不及格 别问我问题了""I'm failing miserably. Stop asking me questions."
744 00:36:15 我他妈的无法忍受I can't fuckin' deal with it.
745 00:36:18 有的时候你们会很没有安全感There's a high level of insecurity sometimes
746 00:36:20 你们大可不必这样 女士们that's not worth you having
747 00:36:23 我们有一次吵起来了We got into an argument one time.
748 00:36:25 他妈的吵架了Got into a fucking argument.
749 00:36:27 有两个原因 首先 她问了我一个很难回答的问题Two reasons. First
750 00:36:30 我得向她解释我不知道答案I had to explain I didn't know.
751 00:36:31 女士们 跟你们分享另一个秘密 当男人说出门Another secret. After men say
752 00:36:34 我们其实是在停车场见面 之后决定我们他妈的去干什么we actually meet in the parking lot and try to figure out what the fuck we doing.
753 00:36:38 我们其实是碰面后再商量的We actually have another meeting ourselves.
754 00:36:41 "什么计划？" "我以为你有计划" "我没有 我以为你有""What's the plan?" "Thought you had it." "I don't
755 00:36:44 "谁也没他妈的计划？我撤了 我不在这儿耗时间了""Nobody got a fuckin' plan? I'm out. I'm not staying here doing this shit."
756 00:36:48 我就回家睡觉去了 很早就到家了I go home
757 00:36:50 "回来得真早 因为你和贱人私会了""Back early 'cause you was with a bitch."
758 00:36:52 "不 我没有！"No
759 00:36:54 我只是在家得宝的停车场 待了45分钟…"I was in a parking lot at Home Depot for 45 minutes…
760 00:36:58 没聊什么 所以我就回来了"talking about nothing
761 00:37:02 我不喜欢他妈的吵架I don't like fuckin' arguing.
762 00:37:05 我到了这个岁数 不喜欢吵架 直接走人I'm at an age where I don't argue
763 00:37:07 这是我的新策略That's my new move.
764 00:37:08 "你自己吵吧 我过会儿再来""You argue with yourself. I'll be back."
765 00:37:11 "我过会儿再来""I'll be back."
766 00:37:12 "希望我回来的时候 你已经没力气再吵了""Hopefully when I come back
767 00:37:15 这就是我他妈的新策略That's my fuckin' move.
768 00:37:16 我们是早晨7点钟吵的架 后来我走了We argued in the morning and I left. It was 7:00 a.m.
769 00:37:19 我在车上接到她的电话She called
770 00:37:20 她说:"你估计在找人给你吹箫""You probably getting your dick sucked."
771 00:37:23 早晨7点钟吗？At 7:00 a.m.?
772 00:37:25 哪个贱人这么有事业心 早晨7点就出来接客…What bitch is that ambitious that's out here at 7:00 a.m…
773 00:37:30 给人吹箫？sucking dick?
774 00:37:31 你以为我找了什么妓女？老天爷！What type of daywalker do you think I'm dealing with? Jesus Christ!
775 00:37:35 你担心的是一个 早晨7点上街接客的妓女吗？A 7:00 a.m. dicksucker on the loose
776 00:37:40 你都看了什么？What are you readin'?
777 00:37:41 什么博客告诉你早7点就要提防 白天揽客的妓女？What's the blog that told y'all to worry about the dicksucker at 7:00 a.m.?
778 00:37:46 "看好你们的男人 女士们！""Watch your man
779 00:37:48 "从早晨7点开始 妓女就上街揽客了！""Since 7:00 a.m.
780 00:37:51 "谢谢 姑娘""Thanks
781 00:37:54 "因为我看了…""I saw it on my…"
782 00:37:56 "我看了我的监控录像""I saw it on my security camera."
783 00:37:58 "她们出来招揽生意""Outside looking for dicks."
784 00:38:01 过来过…Came down…
785 00:38:04 "我在监控上看到妓女出来揽客""I saw her looking for dicks on my security camera."
786 00:38:08 "有人在街上找嫖客？""Somewhere out there looking for dicks."
787 00:38:12 我要应付的麻烦让人难以置信Shit that I deal with is unreal.
788 00:38:15 自从我妻子看了我的群聊天记录 她的不安全感消失了All my wife's insecurities dropped down after she read my group chat.
789 00:38:19 女士们 如果你们有个 40岁以上的男人Ladies
790 00:38:23 我斗胆提议你们检查他们的手机 看看群聊天记录I challenge you to check his phone and read his group chat.
791 00:38:26 这样做吧！Do it!
792 00:38:27 40岁以上了？你应该做的Over 40? You should do it.
793 00:38:30 40岁以下？Under 40?
794 00:38:31 我不建议这么做 太冒险了I don't recoend it
795 00:38:33 你这样太他妈的冒险了You fuckin' gambling.
796 00:38:35 40岁及以上？去看看吧！Forty and above? Go
797 00:38:38 你可能从未看过如此语无伦次 毫无头绪的对话You will never read a more inconsistent and unfocused conversation in your life.
798 00:38:44 所有我的群聊天以同样方式开头All my group chat conversations start off the same.
799 00:38:47 它们开头都很好They all start off great.
800 00:38:49 "嘿！""Yo!"
801 00:38:52 "看到蕾哈娜美臀的照片了吗？""See that picture of Rihanna's ass?"
802 00:38:53 "一流""Goddamn."
803 00:38:55 "火辣！""Shit!"
804 00:38:56 "没话说了！""Fuck!"
805 00:38:57 "我看到了""I saw it."
806 00:38:59 大家有的没的聊着Random question flies in the chat.
807 00:39:00 "要是没有黄油了 应该往锅里放什么？""If you run out of butter
808 00:39:03 "什么？""What?"
809 00:39:06 "我没黄油了 哥们儿""I ain't got no butter
810 00:39:08 "我还能用什么？""What else can I use?"
811 00:39:09 "你怎么黄油都没有？""How'd you run out of butter?"
812 00:39:10 "我不知道 就是没有了""I don't know
813 00:39:12 另一个话题开始了Another statement flies in.
814 00:39:14 "我都不吃黄油 它让我痛风发作""I can't even eat butter. It makes my gout act up."
815 00:39:17 "痛风？""Gout?"
816 00:39:19 "你何时得了痛风？" "我一直都有""When you get gout?" "I been had gout."
817 00:39:21 "我不知道你得了痛风""I didn't know you had gout."
818 00:39:22 "我告诉过你们我有痛风""I told y'all I had gout."
819 00:39:24 话题又转了Another statement flies in the chat.
820 00:39:26 "痛风是他妈的什么？""What the fuck is gout?"
821 00:39:29 某人发了一张"网医生"上的照片A picture from WebMD hit the chat.
822 00:39:33 痛风的症状和影响Description of gout and what the fuck it can do.
823 00:39:35 "天啊 你得了那个？""Goddamn
824 00:39:38 之后聊天中止了五天Then chat goes silent for five days.
825 00:39:40 没有人发言Don't nobody saying shit.
826 00:39:43 40岁以上的 聊天就自然终结了Forty and up
827 00:39:45 没有人有意结束它Nobody ends it.
828 00:39:48 第六天 我们接着上次的话题继续聊Day six
829 00:39:50 "还有什么让你的痛风发作？""What else make your gout act up?"
830 00:39:55 我的朋友乔伊不知道怎么用表情包My friend Joey don't know how to use emojis.
831 00:39:58 他妻子还以为抓到他出轨了That's how she thought she had somethin' one time.
832 00:40:00 乔伊岁数更大 他是那个患痛风的Joey's the older one
833 00:40:04 我们总开他的玩笑We tease him.
834 00:40:05 "你个死痛风病人""You gout-having bitch."
835 00:40:07 我们就是逗他We just tease him.
836 00:40:08 他被谈话惹生气了He was getting mad in chat.
837 00:40:09 "我受够了你们总拿我寻开心""I'm tired of y'all teasin' me."
838 00:40:11 "你们是因为我的日子过得不错 所以不爽""Y'all mad I'm doing the right thing with my life.
839 00:40:13 "我这是注意健康"I'm getting healthy."
840 00:40:15 "事实上 我正要去弄一些这个""I'm 'bout to go get me a bunch of these now."
841 00:40:17 他并排摆出了五个茄子He put five eggplants back-to-back.
842 00:40:21 然后他把…Then he put…
843 00:40:22 然后他把舌头和水花的表情放在一起Then he put the tongue emoji with the splash.
844 00:40:25 我说:"搞什么… 你想说什么 乔伊？"I said
845 00:40:28 "你这是什么意思？""What are you talking about right now?"
846 00:40:30 "你刚刚说的是 会找五个鸡巴放到面前…"You just said you're about to go take five dicks to the face…
847 00:40:34 然后吹到它们射精 这就是刚才在说的"and get them off. That's what you just said."
848 00:40:37 "没有 我不是这意思！""No
849 00:40:38 "是 你就是这意思""Yes
850 00:40:40 "五个茄子 舌头 水花""Five eggplants
851 00:40:42 "你说的要把它放到脸旁"You said you're taking it to the face
852 00:40:44 帮它们释放 这就是你刚才说的"finishing 'em off
853 00:40:52 他妈的乔伊Fuckin' Joey.
854 00:40:53 你越老越直接Older you get
855 00:40:57 我和我妻子在我们的关系中 直白诚实Me and my wife are at a very direct and honest space in our relationship.
856 00:41:02 非常诚恳Very honest.
857 00:41:03 非常坦诚Very honest
858 00:41:05 有天我妻子跟我讲My wife told me the other day
859 00:41:06 "老公 你的床上功力大不如前""Honey
860 00:41:09 当着我的面说的！To my fuckin' face!
861 00:41:12 这话不刻薄吗？Ain't this a bitch?
862 00:41:14 我们这是在我家 我对你们开诚布公没有任何问题We're in my home
863 00:41:17 当着我的面她说的To my fuckin' face.
864 00:41:19 说我的威力不再Told me my sex is falling off.
865 00:41:22 知道我怎么回应的吗？Know what my response was?
866 00:41:24 "正常啊" 我就这么说的"Happens." That's what I said.
867 00:41:27 "正常""Happens."
868 00:41:29 我无所谓I don't give a shit.
869 00:41:31 我他妈的41岁了 没时间整天滚床单Fucking 41
870 00:41:33 我累了I'm tired. I'm tired.
871 00:41:36 我不相信你能事业有成 同时"阳气"充沛I don't believe you can be successful and have good dick.
872 00:41:39 我这么说 也这么想的I said it. That's how I feel.
873 00:41:41 这是我他妈的切实感受 我不会收回的 我就是说了That's how I fuckin' feel. I'm not taking it back. I said it.
874 00:41:46 我不相信你能事业有成 同时"阳气"充沛I don't believe that you can be successful and have good dick.
875 00:41:50 我跟她说:"你得选一个 好的生活 还是好的性生活？"I told her
876 00:41:53 "我做不到兼顾""I'm not gonna do both. Not doing both."
877 00:41:55 "我不能两个都给你 选一个吧""I'm not giving you both. Pick one."
878 00:41:59 当年我性功能强的时候 我穷困潦倒 一无所有When I had good dick
879 00:42:03 性功能强的时候 我做爱是为了蹭车I was out here fucking for transportation when I had good dick.
880 00:42:07 赚车票钱Fuckin' for tokens.
881 00:42:09 我不想再走路了 就不得不掏空身体Sick of walking. I need to put down some good dick
882 00:42:12 才能找人车接车送get in somebody's car around here.
883 00:42:15 当时费城很冷It was cold in Philadelphia.
884 00:42:16 你不懂我的人生 不要来指手画脚You don't know my life. Stop judging me.
885 00:42:21 但是因为人结婚了就不得不妥协But because you're married
886 00:42:25 在两人之间折中Gotta meet you halfway.
887 00:42:27 我对她说:"你觉得 我应该在床上努力一点？"I told her
888 00:42:30 "挑个日子""Pick a date."
889 00:42:32 "挑个日子吧""Pick a date."
890 00:42:33 在那天 我需要尽力表现好On that date
891 00:42:38 你选一天 让我在那天You pick a date
892 00:42:40 好 好 表 现 I'm required to give out some good dick.
893 00:42:44 她定了每个月的8号She picked the eighth of every month.
894 00:42:47 "好吧""All right.
895 00:42:49 "你最好他妈的准备好""You better buckle the fuck up."
896 00:42:53 "我会让你吃不消的""I'm 'bout to drop some dick on your ass like you never had."
897 00:42:58 "猛力戳你 我到时候会对你这么做""To thump your ass right now. That's exactly what I'a do."
898 00:43:03 在那天之前都轻轻松松的It's all fun and games until the week of.
899 00:43:06 到那周你会紧张得不行You get nervous as shit
900 00:43:09 我朋友见我脸色 就问 "你还好吗？"Friends saw it on my face
901 00:43:11 "不 我不好 我五天后要和我妻子做爱 伙计""No
902 00:43:14 8号我要和她睡觉Gotta fuck her on the 8th.
903 00:43:16 我当时正在喝凤梨汁 吃芹菜 我不…I was out here drinking pineapple juice
904 00:43:19 我不知道我他妈的怎么了I don't know what the fuck is happening to me.
905 00:43:21 我紧张得出了汗 "该死 哥们儿 我只有3天了！"Sweatin'. "Damn
906 00:43:24 倒计时Countdown.
907 00:43:25 感觉像是NBA总决赛即将来临一样Felt like I had the NBA Finals coming up or some shit.
908 00:43:29 用冰敷我的腿 我都不知道自己是怎么了Icing my legs
909 00:43:32 8号到了 我做得很好The eighth came up
910 00:43:35 我的小青龙表现极佳A batch of good dick. -
911 00:43:37 谢谢你们的掌声 我很感激Thank you for the applause
912 00:43:39 很悲哀 因为你们觉得 此处需有掌声 但是我领了Sad that you felt like you had to clap
913 00:43:43 "谢天谢地 凯文 我的天啊！""Thank God
914 00:43:47 我的坦诚适得其反My honesty backfired over there.
915 00:43:51 8号我用小青龙征服了她Gave out some good dick on the eighth.
916 00:43:54 9号 她用非常女人的方式In true woman fashion
917 00:43:58 向我索要更多she tried to get some more.
918 00:44:00 我们不是这样约定的It's not our agreement. That's not the deal we made.
919 00:44:03 我说了就一天I said one date.
920 00:44:05 其他的日子不能保证Every other day could be trashy dick or not.
921 00:44:07 你不能指望我还能做到那样好You don't fuckin' expect the same thing again.
922 00:44:11 我已经睡下了 她8点半进了卧室 酩酊大醉After my fuckin' bedtime
923 00:44:15 很晚了It's late.
924 00:44:18 她试图叫醒我:"起来"Trying to wake me up
925 00:44:20 "把你的小青龙拿出来用""Trying to get some dick."
926 00:44:23 "像8号那样""Trying to get more of that 8th dick."
927 00:44:25 她是这样说的That's what she said.
928 00:44:29 "我还想要8号那样的 再给我8号那样的""I want some more of that eighth dick. Let me get some of that eighth dick."
929 00:44:34 我生气了:"他妈的走开 把你的手拿开"I snap
930 00:44:37 "这么晚回来 把我吵醒了""Coming here this late at night waking me up."
931 00:44:39 "把狗也吵醒了""Waking the dog up."
932 00:44:41 年龄越大你就会越关爱动物 觉得它们胜过一切Older you get
933 00:44:45 "这只狗这两周都没睡过好觉"The dog ain't had a good night's sleep in two weeks
934 00:44:48 你就忍心这样吵着它吗？"you come in here all loud?"
935 00:44:50 "我现在很生气""Pissed off
936 00:44:52 我和狗下楼去睡了Me and the dog went downstairs
937 00:44:54 我睡在了客房 我说 "我才不要和你Slept in the guest room. "Not gonna stay with you
938 00:44:56 与你的自私同床共枕and your selfishness
939 00:44:58 因为你还想要8号那样的"'cause you want some more of that 8th dick."
940 00:45:01 "你这么做只能让我 取消下个月的约定""You just lost a month is what you just did."
941 00:45:04 我就把下个月8号的约定取消了Took the next eighth off the contract is what I did.
942 00:45:09 说实话 知道什么事能让我大笑吗？You know what makes me laugh?
943 00:45:11 听别人讲床上之事Hearing other people talk about sex.
944 00:45:13 那就是我的笑点That's enough for me.
945 00:45:15 听别人讲床上之事 是世界上最搞笑的事儿Hearing other people talk about sex
946 00:45:19 讲这事儿最搞笑的是我的侄子们Funniest people to listen to talk about sex
947 00:45:22 我的侄子们二十一二岁My nephews are 21
948 00:45:24 他们讲的是你会听到的最滑稽的事It's the funniest shit that you'll ever hear
949 00:45:28 是你会听到的最滑稽的事 但是他们不会主动讲Funniest shit you'll ever hear
950 00:45:31 你必须要引诱他们讲出来you gotta bait it out of them.
951 00:45:33 你得设下一个陷阱 让他们掉进去You gotta set a trap
952 00:45:36 我设的陷阱 他们每次都中招I set the trap
953 00:45:38 我匆匆忙忙地进了房间I come in the room
954 00:45:40 "你们还没有干过事儿""Y'all ain't fuckin' yet."
955 00:45:42 他们每次都上钩Take the bait every time.
956 00:45:43 "谁还没有干过？""Who ain't fuckin'?"
957 00:45:47 每次都问:"谁还没有干过？"Every time. "Who ain't fuckin'?"
958 00:45:49 "我知道你说的不是我 不是说我没有干过""I know you ain't sayin' me. I know you ain't sayin' I ain't fuckin'."
959 00:45:53 "我干事儿的！""I'm fuckin'!"
960 00:45:55 "我知道你说的不是我""I know you ain't sayin' me."
961 00:45:57 "请便吧 叔叔""Go ahead
962 00:45:58 "你还干不了事儿 小子""You ain't fuckin'
963 00:46:00 "我知道你小屁孩儿不会干事儿""I know your young ass ain't fuckin'."
964 00:46:03 "我干的 叔""I'm fuckin'
965 00:46:04 "跟我说说你都做什么了" "不 我不告诉你""Tell me what you doing." "No
966 00:46:07 "因为我如果告诉你 你就会当脱口秀段子讲了""I tell you
967 00:46:10 "我不会讲你的 闭嘴""I ain't talking about you
968 00:46:12 "我为什么要在脱口秀里讲你？""What would I put you in my comedy show for?"
969 00:46:14 "我有的是段子 不需要你""I got jokes
970 00:46:16 "你在做什么？快告诉我 你做过最恶劣的事儿""What you doing? Give me the nastiest thing you've done."
971 00:46:19 "别对我有看法" "不会的""No judging?" "No judging."
972 00:46:21 "我干吗要对你有什么看法？""Fuck I'a judge you for?"
973 00:46:24 "好吧""All right."
974 00:46:26 "我做过最坏的事…""Nastiest thing I've done…"
975 00:46:28 "我和那个女孩儿去电影院""Went to the movies with this girl."
976 00:46:31 "我们去看电影 她让我去买一大桶爆米花""We go to the movies
977 00:46:35 "我买了爆米花 坐下 她在桶下面剪了个洞"I get the bucket of popcorn
978 00:46:38 告诉我把小青龙从洞里穿过去 她帮我打了个黄油飞机"told me put my dick through the hole
979 00:46:42 我说:"什么？"I said
980 00:46:45 听着 我控制住了自己 我必须装作我知道那是什么Listen
981 00:46:52 "打黄油飞机""A butter beat-off."
982 00:46:56 "我知道 说对了""I know that's right."
983 00:46:58 "打黄油飞机""A butter beat-off."
984 00:47:03 你知道自己老了 因为你总问错话You know you older 'cause you ask the wrong questions.
985 00:47:05 "为什么你们要买个大桶？ 浪费那么多爆米花？""Fuck y'all get a large for? Why you waste that popcorn?"
986 00:47:08 "你们应该买个小桶就够了""You should've just got the small."
987 00:47:10 "差了十几美元 不是吗？ 为什么买大的？""It's a $12
988 00:47:14 "黄油不会进青龙嘴里吗？""Butter don't get in your hole?
989 00:47:15 "听上去会被感染的"Like an infection waiting to happen."
990 00:47:18 "人就是这样染上‘艾冠’的 你会被感染的""It's how you catch the VID. You gonna get the VID."
991 00:47:21 "黄油进了青龙 会感染‘艾冠’病毒的""Get the 'VID-19 doing that shit
992 00:47:25 "你可不想有黄油进小青龙嘴里""You don't want butter in your hole."
993 00:47:29 我回家告诉我妻子I ran home and told my wife.
994 00:47:31 "信不信由你""Ain't gonna believe this shit."
995 00:47:33 "特兰斯告诉我现在的小孩儿 在外面打黄油飞机""Terrence told me these kids out here giving each other butter beat-offs."
996 00:47:38 她说:"他们还那么做呢？"She said
997 00:47:40 我说:"你这话是什么意思？"I said
998 00:47:43 "你是什么人？""Who are you?"
999 00:47:46 我都不想知道了 你别再往下说了I don't wanna know no more. You just stop right there.
1000 00:47:49 我的孩子们最好别那么做 我就知道这一点My kids better not be doing it
1001 00:47:52 如果我发现我的孩子们这样做 我会气疯的If I find out my kids do it
1002 00:47:56 但你不能直接问你的孩子们 你应该 还是…You can't just ask your kids
1003 00:47:58 你要布下陷阱 看他们是不是能掉下去Set the trap
1004 00:48:00 我们在家里吃晚饭 一顿丰盛的晚饭We at dinner
1005 00:48:05 我向妻子抛出了问题 "我们应该去电影院看电影"I throw question out to my wife
1006 00:48:08 "也许你能帮我打黄油飞机""Maybe you can give a butter beat-off."
1007 00:48:10 我盯着我女儿看 直勾勾地看着她I look right at my fuckin' daughter. Right at my daughter.
1008 00:48:14 盯着她看Staring at her ass.
1009 00:48:16 她没有反应 稳如泰山地坐着 吃着东西She didn't budge. Cool as a fan
1010 00:48:19 我作为父亲从未有如此骄傲过 谢天谢地I've never been more proud as a father. Thank you
1011 00:48:22 感谢上苍 她都不知道那是什么Thank you
1012 00:48:25 谢谢老天Thank you
1013 00:48:26 我儿子转过来 说:"哇耶"Turn this way
1014 00:48:31 他说:"耶！"He said
1015 00:48:34 "你最好买个大桶 老爸""You better get the large
1016 00:48:37 "你可不想有黄油进去 那会染上‘艾冠’的！""You don't want butter in the hole
1017 00:48:40 "再得一次 你不想得两次吧""Again. You don't want it twice."
1018 00:48:45 "你不想连续得‘艾冠’吧 老爸""You don't want back-to-back cases of the 'VID
1019 00:48:51 事实上我妻子斥责了我 让我带她出去玩My wife actually beat me up
1020 00:48:54 带她去一个晚宴聚会Took her to a dinner party.
1021 00:48:56 我不想提某位名人 但是要听懂 这个段子 我必须要…I'm not name-dropping
1022 00:48:59 提一下drop the name.
1023 00:49:01 我去了杰瑞宋飞的家参加晚宴聚会I went to Seinfeld's house for a dinner party.
1024 00:49:04 吃到了我吃过最好的食物Some of the best food I've ever had.
1025 00:49:06 食物太他妈的赞了Food was fuckin' amazing
1026 00:49:07 在晚宴尾声 宋飞走出来At the end of the party
1027 00:49:10 他说:"谁也不许走"He was like
1028 00:49:13 "你们今晚将受到款待 今晚…"You guys are in for a treat. Tonight…
1029 00:49:16 我们将吃到砖炉披萨"we're gonna have some brick-oven pizza."
1030 00:49:20 所有人都高兴坏了Everybody went crazy.
1031 00:49:21 "什么？天啊！砖炉披萨？""What? Oh
1032 00:49:25 "什么？""What?"
1033 00:49:29 一个女士问 "配了多少种芝士 杰瑞？"One lady was like
1034 00:49:33 杰瑞说:"七种不同的芝士"Jerry's like
1035 00:49:36 "七种不同的芝士""Seven different cheeses."
1036 00:49:39 大家兴奋至极People went crazy.
1037 00:49:41 顺便说一句 所有这些人都是白人 他妈的白人By the way
1038 00:49:44 他们开始唱起来:"BOP！"They start chanting
1039 00:49:48 "BOP"是什么？The fuck is "BOP
1040 00:49:50 "BOP！""BOP!"
1041 00:49:51 "BOP"他妈的是什么？What the fuck is "BOP"?
1042 00:49:54 一个白人女人凑向餐桌White woman leans over the table
1043 00:49:55 说:"是‘砖炉披萨’的缩写"she's like
1044 00:49:58 我说:"哦 该死"I was like
1045 00:50:00 "哦 该死""Oh
1046 00:50:02 "好 我懂了""Oh
1047 00:50:05 宋飞让几个意大利男人走出来 他们穿得像披萨Seinfeld has some Italian men walk out. They had pizza-like garb on.
1048 00:50:09 他们开始上披萨 说意大利语…They start passing out pizza saying Italian shit…
1049 00:50:15 我不懂意大利语I don't know Italian.
1050 00:50:18 我讲这个段子时 才刚刚意识到It just dawned on me
1051 00:50:20 我这样讲可能有一些种族歧视 我先道歉what I'm doing is racist right now. I apologize.
1052 00:50:28 人们开心地吃着披萨People eating the pizza
1053 00:50:30 "喔 天啊 我尝出了芝士的味道 杰瑞""Oh
1054 00:50:33 "我尝出了芝士的味道""I taste the cheeses."
1055 00:50:36 他们给我上了披萨 我咬了一口They brought me my pizza. I took a bite.
1056 00:50:38 我无法相信I couldn't believe it.
1057 00:50:40 这是我这辈子吃过的最美味的披萨Best pizza I've ever had in my life.
1058 00:50:42 我吃过他妈的最好吃的披萨Best fucking pizza I've ever had.
1059 00:50:44 披萨上面有点生菜 我从来没有吃过这样的It had some type of lettuce on it. I've never tasted this shit.
1060 00:50:47 我告诉我妻子 "我的披萨上有某种生菜"Told my wife
1061 00:50:49 "你尝了就知道了"Wait till you taste it."
1062 00:50:51 那个白人女人又靠过来说 "这是芝麻菜"This white woman leaned over again
1063 00:50:54 "什么？""What?"
1064 00:50:56 "那是芝麻菜""It's arugula."
1065 00:50:57 "哦 该死""Oh
1066 00:50:59 我又咬了一口 也跟着喊了起来 "BOP"I took another bite. I got caught up. "BOP
1067 00:51:03 "BOP…""BOP
1068 00:51:06 多么好的一个夜晚What an amazing night.
1069 00:51:08 一整个夜晚都他妈的很美妙Fucking amazing night
1070 00:51:12 回到车上 我生气了In the car
1071 00:51:14 我生气了 知道为什么吗？I was pissed
1072 00:51:16 因为我想拥有宋飞所拥有的Because I wanted what Seinfeld had.
1073 00:51:18 我想拥有那样的高光时刻I wanted that fucking moment
1074 00:51:21 宋飞以"砖炉披萨男"而闻名了Seinfeld was known as the brick-oven-pizza guy.
1075 00:51:24 他因为自身名气之外的一件事而闻名He was known for something else outside of his fame.
1076 00:51:27 我想要那样I wanted that.
1077 00:51:29 真正让我生气的是What really pissed me off
1078 00:51:31 为宋飞房子施工的人 也是为我的房子施工的人was that the same people who built Seinfeld's house built my house.
1079 00:51:34 他们从没问过我要不要在我的房子里Not once was I offered the option of getting a brick pizza oven
1080 00:51:37 建一个披萨砖炉at my goddamn house.
1081 00:51:38 这是最高等级的种族歧视This was racism at the highest level.
1082 00:51:42 是他娘的种族歧视It's fucking racist.
1083 00:51:44 第二天早晨 我打电话给施工方Next morning comes
1084 00:51:46 我激动地说 "你们这些种族歧视的贱人！"I come in hot
1085 00:51:51 "因为你们向宋飞提议 建一个披萨砖炉"For you guys to offer Seinfeld the option of getting a brick pizza oven
1086 00:51:54 但是根本没跟我提过一次 这说明你们有多歧视黑人"and not even bringing it up to me shows just how racist you are."
1087 00:51:57 "你们最好弥补一下 不然你们吃不了兜着走""You better make it right or it's gonna get worse for you."
1088 00:52:00 我挂了电话I hang up the phone. Pow!
1089 00:52:02 他们打回来说:"你在说什么？"They call back
1090 00:52:04 "你知道我在说什么 黑人的命也是命""You know what I'm talking about. Black lives matter."
1091 00:52:07 我又挂了电话Hung up again. Pow.
1092 00:52:11 一天以内 他们就上门了Within a day
1093 00:52:13 为我的披萨砖炉设计了图纸Had a blueprint of what my pizza oven can look like.
1094 00:52:15 一周以内Within a week
1095 00:52:17 我就在我的房子里拥有了 自己的披萨砖炉I had a brick pizza oven in the back of my house.
1096 00:52:19 我还是想说 我想要宋飞所拥有的Once again
1097 00:52:22 我邀请了我所有的朋友过来I invited all my friends over.
1098 00:52:24 我要召开一个晚宴聚会 就像宋飞一样I'm gonna have a dinner party
1099 00:52:27 我的朋友们吃完饭My friends finish eating.
1100 00:52:28 我在尾声走了出来 如宋飞一样I come out at the end of dinner the same way Seinfeld did.
1101 00:52:33 "好""All right."
1102 00:52:41 "谁都不许走"Nobody go anywhere
1103 00:52:44 因为你们今晚将接受款待"because you guys are in for a treat tonight."
1104 00:52:48 "我们今晚要吃砖炉披萨""We're gonna have some brick-oven pizza tonight."
1105 00:52:50 人们在房间里窃窃私语You hear murmurs around the room.
1106 00:52:53 "他说的是他妈的什么？ 我才不要吃砖上面做的披萨""Fuck is he talking about? I ain't eating no pizza off no brick."
1107 00:52:56 参加我聚会的都是黑人 那里只有黑人Everybody at my party is Black. These are all Black people.
1108 00:53:00 "你最好叫多米诺披萨外卖 我不要吃那种垃圾""Order Domino's. I'm not eating that shit."
1109 00:53:04 我说:"我知道你们现在在想什么"I said
1110 00:53:08 "配了多少种芝士？""How many cheeses?"
1111 00:53:12 "七种不同的芝士""Seven different cheeses."
1112 00:53:16 更多的窃窃私语 More murmurs.
1113 00:53:17 "我乳糖不耐受 我一点儿该死的芝士也不吃""I'm lactose intolerant. I'm not eating all that fucking cheese."
1114 00:53:20 "谁都知道只有吃通心粉时 才放那么多芝士""Everyone knows you only put that much cheese on macaroni."
1115 00:53:23 "我才不吃那东西 他有毛病吗？""I'm not gonna eat that. What's his problem?"
1116 00:53:25 我说:"大家请起立 我们到外面去I said
1117 00:53:28 因为砖炉披萨在那儿"that's where the brick-oven pizza is."
1118 00:53:29 此时更多议论声 "外面太他妈冷了 我不要出去"More murmurs. "It's cold as shit outside. I'm not going outside."
1119 00:53:33 黑人对任何事儿都有话可说Black people got a response for every thing.
1120 00:53:35 "我不会那么做的 我不出去""Not gonna do that. not going outside."
1121 00:53:38 我说:"来嘛 大家 跟我一起说"I said
1122 00:53:40 "BOP"'BOP
1123 00:53:45 我的朋友贾马尔从后排起来了My friend Jamal stood up in the back
1124 00:53:46 "哦 如果外面有BOP 我就去"if you got some BOP outside
1125 00:53:51 纳伊姆说:"什么是BOP？"Na'im said
1126 00:53:53 他说:"哥们儿 他找了一个老婊子 在外面 我要去"He said
1127 00:53:56 我说:"不是的 贾马尔 外面没有老婊子"I said
1128 00:53:59 "有啊 那不就是‘BOP’的意思嘛""Yes
1129 00:54:01 "不是的" "是的 我当时跟你在一起""No
1130 00:54:03 "我们在亚特兰大 有个老婊子说"We was in Atlanta
1131 00:54:05 ‘想看我的BOP吗？’" "啥？"'Wanna see my BOP?'" "What's that?"
1132 00:54:06 "她说:‘又大又老的妹妹’""And she was like
1133 00:54:09 "然后你和我都给了她小费""Me and you start tipping her."
1134 00:54:12 "我没有零钱 但是我想再看一次""I ain't got no ones but I want to see it again."
1135 00:54:15 所有人都走了Everybody left.
1136 00:54:18 我终究没得到我的高光时刻I never got my moment.
1137 00:54:20 我没有属于我的高光时刻I did not get my moment.
1138 00:54:23 记住 我想要它Keep in mind
1139 00:54:24 我想要为了名气之外的东西而闻名I wanna be known for something outside my fucking fame
1140 00:54:28 我也想要"砖炉披萨男"的名声I wanted be known as Kevin Hart
1141 00:54:29 那样的高光时刻再也不会有了the brick-oven-pizza guy
1142 00:54:32 我需要再挖掘一项爱好I had to find a new hobby.
1143 00:54:35 我也确实努力地寻找新的爱好Searched hard for a new hobby
1144 00:54:37 我玩了一阵子公路单车I was road biking for a minute.
1145 00:54:39 一划就是好几公里Getting miles in on the bike.
1146 00:54:41 但是我之后不玩了 不玩的原因是I stopped
1147 00:54:44 我不喜欢我穿运动服时 小青龙的样子 真的I didn't like the way my dick looked in the outfit. True story.
1148 00:54:47 看起来像是我长出了阴蒂 我不喜欢Looked like I had a clit
1149 00:54:50 因为那个加上我下垂的蛋蛋'Tween that and long balls
1150 00:54:53 看起来糟糕透了Shit just didn't look right.
1151 00:54:55 到一个红绿灯前 你就需要停车 脚撑地When you stop at a light
1152 00:55:00 有人马上就问你 "嘿 你还好吗？"You gotta snap out
1153 00:55:03 周围车辆都慢下来Cars were slowing down.
1154 00:55:04 "你他妈的停下干什么 哥们儿？ 赶快走！别看了""Fuck you slowing down for
1155 00:55:07 有个女人停下来 那时才早7点This lady slowed down. It was 7 a.m.
1156 00:55:09 我说:"你赶紧走开 我知道你想要什么"I said
1157 00:55:11 "妓女 赶快滚开""Daywalker. Get your ass out of here."
1158 00:55:14 "这儿没有你的生意 女人 走开 妓女""Ain't no dicks out here for you
1159 00:55:18 "走开""Get out of here."
1160 00:55:20 我开始练拳击I started boxing.
1161 00:55:22 拳击成为了我的新爱好Boxing became a hobby.
1162 00:55:24 我开始练习拳击 因为我觉得I started because I felt like it was something
1163 00:55:25 我可以在这项运动中每天进步I could get better at every day.
1164 00:55:28 每天我都能变得更好Every day
1165 00:55:30 可以超越自我It's me against me.
1166 00:55:32 我找到一个教练Went and found a trainer.
1167 00:55:33 这个男人天赋异禀The guy had amazing talent underneath his belt.
1168 00:55:37 是个金手套选手Golden Glove fighters
1169 00:55:38 参加了青奥会等诸多大赛 屡获轻量级冠军Junior Olympics… I mean
1170 00:55:42 我说:"我知道你现在不比赛了 但是我会重金聘用你训练我"I said
1171 00:55:46 他说:"如果你要我教你 我会把你打造成最好的拳手"He said
1172 00:55:49 我说:"不用那么好"I said
1173 00:55:51 "我没想那么好 我只想打得差不多好""I don't want that. I just want to get good."
1174 00:55:53 他说:"好的" 他就成了我的教练He said
1175 00:55:56 说实话 他是真他妈的好Gotta be honest with you. He was fucking good.
1176 00:55:58 把我训练得很好Made me good.
1177 00:56:00 给我讲了许多我闻所未闻的知识Told me shit I thought I would never hear.
1178 00:56:02 把我比作我听都没听过的拳击手 当然那是过奖了Compared me to boxers I've never heard of
1179 00:56:06 他说我让他想起了来弗提卢厄尔Told me I reminded him of a fighter named Lefty Lou Earl.
1180 00:56:10 他说:"凯文 你知道那是谁吗？" 我说:"不 我不知道"He's like
1181 00:56:14 他说:"我给你一个录像带"He said
1182 00:56:15 "你有录像机吗？""You got a VCR?"
1183 00:56:17 "不 我没有""No
1184 00:56:19 我告诉他我没有时 他的反应把我逗笑了Then he made me laugh when I told him I didn't have one.
1185 00:56:22 他当时这样…He was like…
1186 00:56:24 好像和时代脱节的人是我Like… Like I was in the wrong year.
1187 00:56:27 "难以想象你没有录像机 我的天""Can't believe you don't have a VCR. Goddamn."
1188 00:56:30 "你为什么还用录像机 先生？""Why do you still have a VCR
1189 00:56:32 他说我有他见过最好的前手直拳Told me I have one of the best jabs he's ever seen.
1190 00:56:34 他说:"你的前手直拳让我感觉像是 你肩膀放射出的闪电"Said
1191 00:56:38 "从你他妈的肩膀放射出的闪电""Lightning coming from your fucking shoulders."
1192 00:56:42 他说:"你想过搏击吗？" 我说:"没""You thought about fighting?" I said
1193 00:56:44 "对打呢？" 我说:"没有 但是以后会""What about sparring?" I said
1194 00:56:47 "这就是我想听到的 明天早晨6点 我帮你准备""That's all I need to hear. Tomorrow. 6 a.m. I'll set you up."
1195 00:56:50 "你应当知道你自己有多优秀了""You need to see how good you are."
1196 00:56:53 早晨6点我来到体育馆6 a.m.
1197 00:56:55 他找来了一个和我体重体型相当的人He got a guy there
1198 00:56:57 他给我戴上头盔、穿上裤褶 戴上牙套Got my head gear
1199 00:57:01 他给我戴上所有装备 然后在我脸上和头盔上涂满凡士林Puts it all on me. Starts putting Vaseline all on my face and my headgear.
1200 00:57:05 我说:"涂这个干吗？" 他说:"为了让过来的拳打滑"I said
1201 00:57:12 "我们没有说过…好吧""Well
1202 00:57:14 "我们没有说过 但是不要紧""We didn't discuss that
1203 00:57:16 "好吧 既来之则安之""Okay. If that's what it's gonna do
1204 00:57:20 他涂完凡士林 走下了拳击台He's done putting Vaseline on. Walks out.
1205 00:57:22 我说:"等一下 你还没给他准备"I said
1206 00:57:23 他说:"他没事儿 他不需要"He said
1207 00:57:27 "好吧"" All right."
1208 00:57:30 很奇怪 好吧 无所谓That's weird. Okay
1209 00:57:32 我就顺其自然吧I'm gonna go with the flow.
1210 00:57:34 他说:"我们要打三个回合 每个回合三分钟"He said
1211 00:57:36 "谁也不能伤到谁"Nobody's here to hurt anybody.
1212 00:57:38 "玩得开心 放松点儿"Have a good time. Keep it loose."
1213 00:57:40 他喊道:"对他下手轻一点"He yells out
1214 00:57:42 我以为他是对我说的 应该是对我说的I assume he's talking to me. Gotta be talking to me.
1215 00:57:46 我回答道:"知道了 教练"I yelled back
1216 00:57:48 我露出自信的笑容Put a confident laugh behind it. "Ha
1217 00:57:53 我们站到各自的场角 铃声响了We get to our corners. Bell rings. Ding.
1218 00:57:55 我出来 想让他知道我很能打I come out. I want him to see that I could fight.
1219 00:57:57 从我肩膀的动作 你就可以看出我是可以打的You could tell I can fight by the way I hold my shoulders.
1220 00:57:59 看看我的移动Look how I'm moving. H?
1221 00:58:01 我两脚分开My feet are spaced apart.
1222 00:58:02 看看我移动的脚步 看我怎样移动 贱人Look at my foot move. Look how I'm moving
1223 00:58:05 这不是步态舞Ain't gonna be no cakewalk. Mh-hm.
1224 00:58:07 是吧 你看到了吧 他是扁平足Yeah
1225 00:58:11 他甚至都不是前脚掌着地 我要打他个落花流水He's not even on the balls of his foot. I'm gonna whoop his ass.
1226 00:58:15 随着我的移动 我更加自信了I'm getting more confidence as I move around.
1227 00:58:18 我教练说:"凯文 别秀了 放开你的手打啊"My coach says
1228 00:58:23 好吧All right.
1229 00:58:24 "成全你""Ask and you shall receive."
1230 00:58:28 我希望他看了"天气预报"I hope he got the Weather Channel
1231 00:58:30 因为这里马上会有闪电了'cause this is about to be some lightning.
1232 00:58:33 出前手直拳时 通常要上前一步When you throw a jab
1233 00:58:35 上步的同时打出去Take a step
1234 00:58:37 出拳时手一转 每次都这样Turn it over. Every time.
1235 00:58:40 这就是击打的全过程That's how you throw it.
1236 00:58:41 我上步了 马上要攻击了 就在那儿I take my step. I'm about to turn it over. I'm here.
1237 00:58:44 就在这里 正要一转Here it is. About to turn that bitch over.
1238 00:58:46 准备好了 拳来了Better brace yourself. Here it come.
1239 00:58:49 拳来了 在这里 我的拳出到了这里Ooh. It's coming. Right here. I'm right here
1240 00:58:52 我马上就要打到那里 已经出到了这里but I'm about to get here. Here I am
1241 00:58:54 但是我会把拳打到这里 你准备好受我一击吧but I'm about to get right there. Better brace yourself.
1242 00:58:57 我的拳已在这里了 在我打到他之前…I'm right here. Before I did that…
1243 00:59:02 他先打到了我…he hit me.
1244 00:59:03 我立刻两眼一黑I iediately lost my vision.
1245 00:59:05 顷刻间 我失明了Iediately. I went blind iediately.
1246 00:59:09 什么也看不到 一切都黑了Couldn't see shit. Everything was black.
1247 00:59:14 我听说重击可以导致脑损伤或死亡I read that you could get brain damage or die from a punch.
1248 00:59:17 我他妈的失明了I just lost my fucking vision.
1249 00:59:19 我没有了视力I don't have eyesight no more.
1250 00:59:21 我看不到了 恐慌了 我转过去I can't see. I panicked. I turned around.
1251 00:59:23 大家都知道我不止一次这样做过I've been known to do this move several times.
1252 00:59:26 我开始往身后出拳 我在我之前的特辑中讲过这个I start punching backwards. I've talked about it in my past specials.
1253 00:59:29 我是个反身击打者 当我恐慌时 I'm a backwards puncher. When I panic
1254 00:59:31 我他妈的就出反身拳I fucking start punching.
1255 00:59:33 我教练说: "凯文 用你的前手直拳！"My trainer said
1256 00:59:36 我说:"为什么 骗子？"I said
1257 00:59:39 那不是闪电 不起作用 除非他是个避雷针 好吗？It ain't lightning unless he's a storm tracker
1258 00:59:42 因为这简直太他妈的荒谬了Because this is fucking ridiculous.
1259 00:59:44 我瞎了 我什么也看不见I'm blind. I can't see shit.
1260 00:59:48 我失明了I'm blind.
1261 00:59:50 "敲铃吧 他妈的敲铃吧""Ring the bell. Ring the fucking bell."
1262 00:59:53 铃响了The bell rings.
1263 00:59:55 我都没法自己找到场角 我需要听着他的声音去场角I can't get to the corner. I gotta follow his voice to the corner.
1264 00:59:59 我到场角时 我的教练说As I get to the corner
1265 01:00:02 "出什么事儿了？" "我瞎了 我什么也看不见了"he's like
1266 01:00:06 他就抬了一下我的头盔…He just lift my head gear up…
1267 01:00:10 显然 当他打到我时 把我的头盔打得遮住了我的眼睛Apparently
1268 01:00:14 头盔是黑色的 所以我只是一直 看着头盔的内侧It was black
1269 01:00:19 他说:"你怎么不把它抬起来？"He's like
1270 01:00:20 我说:"因为我们训练时 没讲过这种情况该怎么办"I said
1271 01:00:24 "我觉得你给我涂了太多凡士林""I think you put too much Vaseline on me."
1272 01:00:26 "所以我到处都打滑""That's why I was sliding all over the place."
1273 01:00:29 "到处都他妈的打滑 我再也不想做这个了""Sliding all over the place. I don't wanna do this no more."
1274 01:00:32 "你这是要退出？" "You're gonna quit?" "I don't call it that
1275 01:00:33 "这不叫‘退出’ 我只是想做点别的""I just wanna do something else."
1276 01:00:36 "你打算怎么跟他说？""What you gonna tell him?"
1277 01:00:38 我说:"我这辈子 再也不要跟他说话了"I said
1278 01:00:41 "我的律师会和他说话的 他会去坐牢""My lawyer will talk to him. He's going to jail."
1279 01:00:43 "我打赌 他一定会他妈的为此去坐牢""I bet you that. He's going to fucking jail after this."
1280 01:00:47 "今晚他对我做的构成了殴打罪 这就是殴打""What he did to me was assault. That's what the fuck this was."
1281 01:00:50 "最恶劣的殴打""Assault at the highest level."
1282 01:00:53 我退出了 那天以后不再回拳击场了I quit. Walked away from boxing that day.
1283 01:00:56 走了就没再回去过Walked away. Never went back.
1284 01:00:58 之后 我决定 查一查来弗提卢厄尔的录像带Later on
1285 01:01:02 我找到了这个人I went and found this guy.
1286 01:01:04 我想知道他是谁I wanted to know who he was.
1287 01:01:06 是谁被拿来和我相比Who are you comparing me to?
1288 01:01:08 在那次拳击比赛之后After that display of boxing that I gave
1289 01:01:11 我想看看到底是谁像我 或者我像谁I wanted to see who the fuck was like me or who was I like?
1290 01:01:15 结果来弗提卢厄尔只有一个手臂Turns out Lefty Lou Earl had one arm.
1291 01:01:19 他是个残疾人拳手He was a handicapped fighter.
1292 01:01:22 他胜率只有1/38He was one in 38.
1293 01:01:24 他的唯一一场胜利来自对手的犯规His one win came from disqualification.
1294 01:01:26 他被打倒了 对方踢在了他的脸上He got knocked out
1295 01:01:28 他的胜利就是这么得来的That's why they gave him the "W."
1296 01:01:30 他有着很尖的嗓音He had a squeaky voice.
1297 01:01:33 所以我的教练说我们像 是指我们的声音像So my trainer was talking about my voice all this time.
1298 01:01:35 这与我拳击的风格没有任何关系Nothing to do with my fighting style.
1299 01:01:38 他只是把我与一个残疾人拳手 相提并论Just so happened to compare me to a handicapped fighter.
1300 01:01:41 我知道我讲这个段子会被人诟病 说我歧视一只手臂的残疾人I know
1301 01:01:45 我猜他们接下来会封杀我 我也不知道I guess
1302 01:01:49 好在他们的游行集会不会持续很久Good news is their rally won't last long
1303 01:01:51 因为他们不能一直举牌子'cause they can't hold them signs for too long.
1304 01:01:55 因为他们只有一只…'Cause they only got one…
1305 01:01:57 他们累了就会放下他们的手臂They're gonna get tired. They gotta put them arms down.
1306 01:02:00 除非他们协调好Unless they coordinate it right
1307 01:02:02 只有左手的人和只有右手的人一样多with equal amount of right and left hands
1308 01:02:04 他们是无法把封杀我的消息 传遍四方的they're not gonna get their message across to cancel me.
1309 01:02:07 所以…这是不幸中的万幸So… that's some good news.
1310 01:02:11 也许我应该剪掉这一段Maybe I should take that one out.
1311 01:02:12 剪掉这一段 Let's take that one out.
1312 01:02:14 我会因为这一段被封杀的I'm Gonna get canceled for that one. Fuck it.
1313 01:02:16 不管了 我在自己家 我要他妈的畅所欲言Fuck it. I'm in my house. I'm gonna say what the fuck I want.
1314 01:02:19 这是个玩笑It's a joke. -
1315 01:02:21 仅供娱乐It's a joke.
1316 01:02:25 我很开心 就在那次对打后 因为那标志着I was so happy
1317 01:02:28 我找回原来的自我了that I was back to myself of old.
1318 01:02:30 那次对战之前 我出过一次事故I started sparring after my accident.
1319 01:02:33 你们还不知道 一年以前 我遭遇了一场很严重的车祸You don't know
1320 01:02:36 我差点他妈的死了Almost fucking died
1321 01:02:38 几乎他妈的瘫痪了 许多严重的后果Damn near paralyzed. Bad shit happened.
1322 01:02:40 我住了一段时间的院 思考了很多I was in a hospital for a minute. Thought about a lot.
1323 01:02:43 因为我思考了很多 我现在可以问出一些'Cause I thought about a lot
1324 01:02:46 我知道你没有想过的问题that I know you haven't thought about.
1325 01:02:48 第一个问题就是 你生命中有人为你擦屁股吗？Question number one is
1326 01:02:52 想一想吧Think about it.
1327 01:02:54 一个擦屁股的人An ass wiper.
1328 01:02:55 当你的情况越来越糟Somebody that will wipe your ass
1329 01:02:58 需要帮助时 能来拯救你的人if shit hit the fan for the rest of your life
1330 01:03:02 你不会意识到你需要他 直到你真的他妈的需要他了You don't think you need it until you fucking need it.
1331 01:03:05 手术过后 我八天没有排泄After surgery
1332 01:03:08 我便秘了I was constipated.
1333 01:03:09 他们在我排便之前不准我出院They wouldn't let me leave until I went to the bathroom.
1334 01:03:12 他们想确保我的器官正常运行Had to make sure my organs were working.
1335 01:03:13 每天都有人陪护我I had somebody by my side every single day.
1336 01:03:17 在第九天 有20分钟我是独处的On day nine
1337 01:03:21 这期间 感觉好像有人During this gap
1338 01:03:23 向我的胃丢了一个手榴弹 而且爆炸了in my fucking stomach and that bitch exploded.
1339 01:03:27 呃…Uh-oh.
1340 01:03:28 呃…我要去了Uh-oh. I gotta go.
1341 01:03:30 我要去他妈的厕所Gotta go to the fucking bathroom.
1342 01:03:32 我的腿动不了 我的手臂也动不了Can't move my legs. I can't move my arms.
1343 01:03:34 没有人在旁边There's nobody there.
1344 01:03:36 我开始按呼叫键 "帮帮我！"I start pressing the help button. "Help!"
1345 01:03:38 "帮帮我！""Help! Help!"
1346 01:03:43 "救命！来人帮帮我！""Help! Somebody gotta help!"
1347 01:03:45 何塞跑进了房间José came running in the room.
1348 01:03:46 何塞是一个60岁的墨西哥护士José was a 60-year-old Mexican nurse.
1349 01:03:49 "怎么了 我的朋友？""What's up
1350 01:03:55 "何塞""José.
1351 01:03:56 "我要去厕所 现在"I gotta go to the bathroom
1352 01:03:58 "我现在就要去"I gotta go right now."
1353 01:04:00 "好 我帮你 伙计 我会照顾你 我会好好照顾你""I got you
1354 01:04:03 何塞拉住我的腿和我的上身José grabbed my legs
1355 01:04:05 把我抬起来 放在床右边的马桶上picks me up
1356 01:04:09 在他把我放在马桶上以后 他后退了两大步After he sits me on the toilet
1357 01:04:13 抱起了自己的胳膊 与我对视folded his arms
1358 01:04:15 像这样前后晃动着身体rocking back and forth like this.
1359 01:04:18 "噢 不""Oh
1360 01:04:20 "你这是在干什么 何塞？"The fuck is happening
1361 01:04:22 "我要拉了 你怎么还在这儿？"I gotta go
1362 01:04:25 之后我才意识到 "天啊 Then it dawned on me
1363 01:04:27 何塞是为我擦屁股的人"José's gotta wipe my ass."
1364 01:04:30 "人生最狼狈的境遇莫过如此""Oh
1365 01:04:33 "这就是人生的至暗时刻 我正经历着 不可能比这更惨了""This is rock fucking bottom. I'm here. It can't get worse than this."
1366 01:04:38 我这么想着的时候 何塞决定说些让我开心的事儿When I say that
1367 01:04:42 "别担心 伙计 我会帮你擦干净的 好吗？""Don't worry
1368 01:04:46 "我会帮你擦干净的 好吧 伙计？""I'm gonna wipe you good
1369 01:04:48 "我帮你 有了我你不会有事儿的 我会帮你擦好的 好吧 伙计？""I got you. You're in good hands with me. I'a wipe you good
1370 01:04:53 就在这个时刻 我他妈的万念俱灰At this point
1371 01:04:56 我根本无法相信发生了什么I just can't believe what's happening.
1372 01:04:58 我憋不住了 我通畅了 我开始了I can't hold it. I just go. I start going.
1373 01:05:01 何塞决定要给我鼓劲:"很好"José decides to cheer me on. "Good
1374 01:05:05 "你得排出来 伙计""You gotta get it out
1375 01:05:10 "八天对于任何人都太长了 伙计""Eight days' a long time for anybody
1376 01:05:13 我如厕完毕 何塞拉着我的右臂 帮我翻身I get done going
1377 01:05:18 开始给我擦屁股José starts wiping my ass.
1378 01:05:19 这时 我他妈的脸上流下了一滴泪At this point
1379 01:05:24 我哭了I'm crying.
1380 01:05:25 我哭是因为我的手脚都麻了The reason I'm crying is because my arms are numb
1381 01:05:30 但是我不明白But I couldn't figure out
1382 01:05:31 为什么上帝给我的屁股保留了知觉why God would leave feeling in the space of my ass.
1383 01:05:36 为何不让我屁股也麻木了？Why not numb that up
1384 01:05:37 为什么让我感受这样的经历？Why let me feel what the fuck is happening?
1385 01:05:40 在我人生的低谷 为什么让我感受 何塞是如何为我擦屁股的？At the lowest point of my life
1386 01:05:45 我泣不成声Crying uncontrollably at this point.
1387 01:05:49 何塞想说点别的José decides to say something else.
1388 01:05:52 "没事儿的 伙计 这很难受 伙计 我懂""It's okay
1389 01:05:56 "想象一下我的感受 伙计""Imagine how I feel
1390 01:05:59 "真不敢相信 我在给凯文哈特擦屁股 伙计""I can't believe I'm wiping Kevin Hart's ass
1391 01:06:03 "这真是难以置信""This is crazy."
1392 01:06:06 "这是我擦的第一个名人屁股""It's my first famous ass
1393 01:06:10 大伙儿 这是一个如此美妙的喜剧之夜Guys
1394 01:06:13 伙计们 这是一个美好的夜晚Dude
1395 01:06:18 如此精彩、亲密的夜晚 我们分享了许多Such a great
1396 01:06:22 我喜欢 这次的气氛不同 是很轻松的气氛 很性感的气氛I love it. It's such a different vibe. It's a comfortable vibe. It's a sexy vibe.
1397 01:06:26 更重要的是 在这个气氛下 我还原真我本色More importantly
1398 01:06:30 但是说这些段子 我想做到的 不只是让你们笑过而已but I don't want you guys to leave with just laughter from jokes.
1399 01:06:34 我觉得我能带给你们更多的I feel like I can give you more.
1400 01:06:35 我想让你们更走近我 好吗？I want you to know me for more
1401 01:06:38 因为我不只是那样'Cause I got more. I got more.
1402 01:06:42 既然这样说了With that being said
1403 01:06:44 我希望你们准备好迎接一些BOPI hope you guys are ready for some BOP.
1404 01:06:46 拿上来一些BOP 是的 Bring out the BOP. That's right.
1405 01:06:48 砖炉披萨送给大家Brick-oven pizza for everybody.
1406 01:06:50 BOP！是的 没错 BOP! Yes
1407 01:06:51 我给你们准备了一些砖炉披萨I got some BOP for you.
1408 01:06:54 我懂你们I see you.
1409 01:06:56 -BOP！ -BOP！BOP!
1410 01:06:59 对了！谢谢大家 Yes! Thank you guys so much.
1411 01:07:01 多么美丽的夜晚啊What an amazing night.
1412 01:07:03 BOP！BOP! BOP!
1413 01:07:09 你没事儿吧 亲爱的？What's wrong with you
1414 01:07:11 -我刚做了有史以来最奇怪的梦 -天啊I just had the the craziest dream. -Oh
1415 01:07:14 -不 真的很奇怪 -没事儿啦No
1416 01:07:15 不 有事儿 我梦到我在台上No
1417 01:07:18 我在表演脱口秀 讲一些我从未讲过的段子and doing stand up about stuff that I would never say.
1418 01:07:21 我说我的女儿是个娼妓 说我儿子傻I-I called my daughter a ho. I called my son dumb.
1419 01:07:24 我说我不喜欢私立学校 素食群体很蠢I said I don't like private school and the plant-based counity was wilin'.
1420 01:07:30 我讲了关于宋飞的故事 我去了宋飞的家I went through this whole phase where I said I was at Seinfeld's house.
1421 01:07:34 我从没去过宋飞的家 我说了 说了…I ain't never been to Seinfeld's house. I said
1422 01:07:37 继续睡吧 Go back to sleep.
1423 01:07:38 你只是做了个可怕的噩梦You were just having a bad nightmare. -
1424 01:07:43 -只是个噩梦 是吗？ -是的Just a nightmare
1425 01:07:46 那只是…只是个噩梦It was just… It was just a nightmare.
1426 01:07:48 是的 继续睡吧 求你了Yes
1427 01:07:52 你吃过BOP吗？You ever had BOP?
1428 01:07:55 没有？No?
1429 01:09:18 （献给所有因不公正待遇 而逝去的生命）
1430 01:09:20 （黑人的命也是命）
1431 01:09:22 字幕翻译: 徐姣