比尔·伯尔：红石剧场现场秀 Bill Burr: Live at Red Rocks(2022)(EN)Subtitles
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1 00:00:18 [audience cheering, whistling]
2 00:00:33 [emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr!
3 00:00:36 [cheering and applause]
4 00:00:49 All right, thank you!
5 00:00:52 Thank you very much.
6 00:00:55 Thank you, thank you, thank you.How are ya?
7 00:00:58 How's it goin'? All right.
8 00:01:02 You guys standin' up, sit down.
9 00:01:04 Sit down.
10 00:01:06 See if I'm funny.
11 00:01:07 I've been inside for a yearand a half just like you.
12 00:01:12 All right. It's nice to beout here in Denver, man.
13 00:01:16 [cheering]
14 00:01:17 [chuckles]
15 00:01:19 Drugs illegal on a federal level, man.
16 00:01:27 Everybody out here dressinglike they're fuckin' goin' hiking.
17 00:01:33 [chuckles]
18 00:01:35 Your North Face pajamasand all this shit you guys have.
19 00:01:39 You guys all live inside.
20 00:01:45 So,
21 00:01:46 how have you guys been doin', man?
22 00:01:48 How has your pandemic been?You enjoyed it?
23 00:01:51 You been staying inside?
24 00:01:52 Are you being safe?
25 00:01:54 [man] No!
26 00:01:56 I am so fed up with people--
27 00:01:57 "I ain't bein' safe!I don't fuckin' believe in it!"
28 00:02:02 "It's all a bunch of lies!"
29 00:02:05 We're just totally divided.
30 00:02:07 The people that are like,"You gotta get vaccinated."
31 00:02:09 "You have to wrap yourself in an afghan,
32 00:02:12 and you gotta cover your faceand hold your breath
33 00:02:15 when you look at pictures of people."
34 00:02:18 And you got the other side,"I don't give a shit!"
35 00:02:20 "I'm gonna have my balls out,walkin' down the street,
36 00:02:24 'cause that'swhat Jesus said in John 13."
37 00:02:27 "I read it in my bible study class.I don't give a fuck."
38 00:02:35 "And if I get it,I'm goin' to the hospital and be like,
39 00:02:37 'All right, fix me, you were right.'"
40 00:02:42 Everybody, all hypocritical.
41 00:02:44 All the liberals, "You gotta wearthe mask, gotta wear the mask."
42 00:02:47 Then half of them when they talk,they're pullin' it down.
43 00:02:50 They got it up under their fuckin' nose.
44 00:02:53 Then the other assholes,they were all patriotic for years.
45 00:02:56 "America, love it or leave it!"
46 00:03:03 "America, love it or leave it."All right, take the vaccine.
47 00:03:07 "Well, I don't trust the government."
48 00:03:11 Where the fuck did that come from?
49 00:03:13 I thought you were all about it.
50 00:03:16 I thought you were waving the flagand all of that shit.
51 00:03:20 Listen, here's the deal.
52 00:03:23 We're never gonna solve this shituntil we all get on the same page,
53 00:03:27 which we know is never gonna happen,it's never gonna happen.
54 00:03:32 So, we gotta set upsome Hunger Games shit to solve it.
55 00:03:38 And whoever wins, wins.
56 00:03:40 It's the non-vaxxers versus the vaxxers.
57 00:03:44 So there's a giant field,
58 00:03:46 and all the peoplewho don't want to get the vaccine,
59 00:03:50 all the fattiesand the fuckin' lunatics, right?
60 00:03:53 You gotta fuckin' runthe length of the field
61 00:03:57 and try to make it to the other side
62 00:03:59 while there's a helicopter flying over you
63 00:04:02 and they're shooting the vaccinedown at you.
64 00:04:06 All right?
65 00:04:07 And I know what you're thinkin',"Well, that ain't fair, man."
66 00:04:10 "I'm runnin' in my shit-kickers,you're up there in a helicopter
67 00:04:14 and you got a gun."
68 00:04:15 Well, here's how we--it's a liberal with a gun, right?
69 00:04:20 They're not good at that.
70 00:04:21 Say, "Oh, my God, is it alive?Is it gonna hit me?"
71 00:04:25 "I don't feel safe!"
72 00:04:26 And by then, you're already halfway there.
73 00:04:29 One of the straps of your overalls is off.
74 00:04:31 If you make it to the other side,in the end,
75 00:04:35 just like dodgeball, we'll just score it.
76 00:04:38 "Who won?"
77 00:04:41 It's an idea, I don't know.
78 00:04:42 I just…
79 00:04:44 I don't know what else to do.I've kind of quit.
80 00:04:47 I'm like… I've got to be honest with you.
81 00:04:49 For the first like, you know,year of this shit,
82 00:04:53 I was an American, you know,and I was rootin' for everybody,
83 00:04:57 and then, I don't know.
84 00:05:00 They let us outside for a couple of weeksand then they sent us back in,
85 00:05:04 and I just didn't have it in me anymore.
86 00:05:06 It's like, "I don't care.I just don't give a shit."
87 00:05:09 "You know, I hopea lot more people die, I really do."
88 00:05:18 But the one good thingabout this whole pandemic shit,
89 00:05:21 and I really hope by the timethis fuckin' thing comes out
90 00:05:24 that this will be considered old,I don't know, God willing,
91 00:05:27 but the one great thingabout this pandemic shit
92 00:05:29 is it kind of slowed downa little bit of that cancel culture.
93 00:05:33 You know what I mean?
94 00:05:35 Yeah. It's kind of hard to takeyour dick out at work when you're at home.
95 00:05:39 You know?
96 00:05:41 Some people still manage to do it.
97 00:05:43 They're on a Zoom call, no pants on.
98 00:05:46 All of the sudden, standing up,their chunk right in the screen.
99 00:05:50 Still figured out a way to get fired.
100 00:05:53 It was unreal.
101 00:05:57 It's kind of good, though,that those creeps got to take a break,
102 00:06:00 'cause I felt like cancel culture,
103 00:06:02 they were kind of running outof people to cancel.
104 00:06:05 You know?
105 00:06:06 As much as they wanted to make it seem,there really was a finite amount of people
106 00:06:11 that took their dick out at work.
107 00:06:13 Despite the stats, right?
108 00:06:16 "Every 1.6 seconds,somebody takes their dick out
109 00:06:20 and shakes it in a woman's facein a cubicle."
110 00:06:23 You're like, "What? Every 1.6 seconds?"
111 00:06:28 I must not have been paying attention.
112 00:06:31 "Every 3.2 seconds,
113 00:06:33 some man jizzes on a fernand rubs it in a woman's face."
114 00:06:37 Holy shit! I didn't know that.
115 00:06:40 Right? Yeah.
116 00:06:41 So fortunately they rounded upall of these fuckin' animals…
117 00:06:48 and they got rid of them, right?
118 00:06:50 But it kind of becamelike this cottage industry
119 00:06:53 and it was a wayto kind of get rid of some men
120 00:06:56 that maybe were in your way, you know?
121 00:06:57 It's like anything.
122 00:06:59 You know, the initial thing,you agree with it,
123 00:07:01 and then it kind of gets out of control.
124 00:07:03 So, I don't know.
125 00:07:05 But it kind of ran out of peopleand there was this hilarious moment,
126 00:07:08 like last year where they startedto try and cancel dead people.
127 00:07:12 Remember that? All of the sudden,out of nowhere, John Wayne was trending.
128 00:07:17 Have they got some found footage,
129 00:07:19 a new movie coming outthat maybe they shelved?
130 00:07:22 Then all of the sudden it was all thesestupid-ass "woke" white people, right?
131 00:07:27 "Oh, my God, did you seewhat John Wayne said
132 00:07:31 in Playboy in 1971?"
133 00:07:35 Can you-- this is a bunchof fuckin' white people
134 00:07:38 all up in arms about a dead white guy.
135 00:07:43 "I can no longer tolerate this."
136 00:07:48 "I can no longer toleratedead-for-45-years John Wayne
137 00:07:54 saying things in a magazinethat doesn't exist anymore."
138 00:07:58 "I am here for Black people."
139 00:08:04 These fuckin' idiots.
140 00:08:05 What kind of a fuckin' idiot white personrefers to themselves as "woke"?
141 00:08:10 You know?
142 00:08:11 If you actually were socially conscious,
143 00:08:14 you'd realize that white peoplestole that word from Black people.
144 00:08:18 Once again doin' the Elvis thing. Right?
145 00:08:22 But you know what,I blame Black people for that.
146 00:08:26 One of them fucked up.
147 00:08:28 They were at a party,there was white people there,
148 00:08:32 and they let it slip out.
149 00:08:35 "Stay woke"or however the fuck you say it.
150 00:08:37 And some white person heard it,like, "Ah, what was that?"
151 00:08:40 "Oh, my God."
152 00:08:42 "'Stay woke'? I wanna say that."
153 00:08:44 "I gotta say that around my white friendsso they know that I'm down."
154 00:08:47 "Oh, my God, I'm gonna fuckin' say that."
155 00:08:51 "I'm fuckin' woke. I'm fuckin' woke."
156 00:08:54 "I'm a woke stickler."
157 00:08:56 "I've fuckin' had it, I've had it."
158 00:08:59 "I support Black peoplein my white apartment on Twitter."
159 00:09:02 "That's what I do.I'm fuckin' here for you."
160 00:09:08 Every white personlikes to lie to themselves
161 00:09:10 that if they were alive 150 years ago,
162 00:09:12 that they would have been workingon the underground railroad,
163 00:09:15 trying to help slaves escape, right?
164 00:09:17 "I would be oneof the good white people, yes."
165 00:09:20 "I would have taken timeout of my day, risked my life."
166 00:09:26 And the reality is,is you'd be doing back then
167 00:09:28 exactly whatyou're doing today-- nothin'.
168 00:09:32 Not a fuckin' thing.
169 00:09:35 Maybe a little #BlackLivesMatter.
170 00:09:38 "Oh, my God, my heart breakson my L-shaped couch."
171 00:09:48 My favorite thingabout the Black Lives Matter marches
172 00:09:52 was the store windows that would havethe plywood over the windows,
173 00:09:56 and then it would say,"Black lives matter"
174 00:09:59 on top of the plywood.
175 00:10:00 I just loved the dualityof that message, you know?
176 00:10:04 It's like, "Black lives matter,we're all the same, we're all one."
177 00:10:07 "Don't burn down my store,you fuckin' animals!"
178 00:10:09 "Everybody is welcome in this store."
179 00:10:13 "Anyone can come in."
180 00:10:14 "One at a time, follow him!"
181 00:10:16 "It's just a safe space for everyone."
182 00:10:24 Yeah.
183 00:10:25 John Wayne was born in 1907.
184 00:10:27 That's what the fuckhe's gonna sound like.
185 00:10:29 Then you got all these douchebagsgoing like, "That's not an excuse."
186 00:10:32 It's like, "Yes, it is."
187 00:10:34 It absolutely is.
188 00:10:36 You are of your time.
189 00:10:40 Look at these young kids.
190 00:10:41 Remember, for a year and a half,they'd take a water bottle.
191 00:10:43 They're all standing aroundand one kid would flip it,
192 00:10:46 and if it landed upright, they'd go…
193 00:10:48 [screaming]
194 00:10:52 "Oh, shit!" And they'd justlose their fuckin' minds.
195 00:10:57 I didn't understand it.
196 00:10:59 But I'm born in 1968, so I'm just like,
197 00:11:02 "All right, well, no one triedto slap it out of the way."
198 00:11:05 "You do it enough times,it's gonna fuckin' land upright."
199 00:11:07 "What is happening here?" Right?
200 00:11:09 I don't wanna ruin their good time.
201 00:11:11 They're excited, they're gonnaget on their scooters and ride off.
202 00:11:16 Like a little posse or some shit.I'm like, all right, you can do that.
203 00:11:20 Yeah. So that was like a thingfor like half a second.
204 00:11:25 Sean Connery died.The great Sean Connery.
205 00:11:28 Yeah, my favorite James Bond of all time.
206 00:11:32 Yeah. And he was getting a proper send-off
207 00:11:35 for about eight minutes on Twitter,
208 00:11:37 and then the first hairy-leg white chickshows up, right?
209 00:11:42 And she's just gotta be like,"Really? Really?"
210 00:11:48 "Are we really gonna celebrate this manwho advocated the hitting of women?"
211 00:11:54 It's like, first of all, he didn'tadvocate hitting women, okay?
212 00:11:57 [as Connery] He just, "Every oncein a while, you give 'em a little slap."
213 00:12:02 "Yeah, give 'em a little back of the hand,
214 00:12:04 ya remind 'emwho's making the bucks off this shit."
215 00:12:08 "Reset their hard drive."
216 00:12:13 That's all he said, okay?
217 00:12:15 Yes, it's a crazy statement in 2021.
218 00:12:19 1976, you know, it's not good,but it's not crazy.
219 00:12:24 Right?
220 00:12:26 And he's born in 1930.
221 00:12:29 You gotta put this shitin historical perspective.
222 00:12:33 I love old movies. You ever watch moviesfrom the '30s, '40s, and '50s?
223 00:12:37 Yeah.
224 00:12:38 Any time a womaneven has heightened emotion,
225 00:12:41 there's some guy like,"Get ahold of yourself!"
226 00:12:46 "Yeah, go make me a pie.Put it on the windowsill."
227 00:12:48 Right?
228 00:12:50 That's what he grew up watchin'.
229 00:12:58 I grew up in the '70s.
230 00:12:59 I thought being a truck driverwas a cool thing.
231 00:13:02 You know, you had a monkey for a friend.
232 00:13:05 Going around,chicks are showin' their titties.
233 00:13:07 I thought that that was the world.I had no idea, that's what I was watching.
234 00:13:13 My thing is, okay, so if you're gonnacancel all of these fuckin' dead guys
235 00:13:17 and shit all over them after they're deadand they can't defend themselves,
236 00:13:21 why are you only going after men?
237 00:13:23 You know, what aboutall the horrible women in history?
238 00:13:26 You can't just go after the men,that would be sexist,
239 00:13:30 and this is what they don't want.
240 00:13:33 You know? I mean, what about Coco Chanel?
241 00:13:36 Great example. Coco Chanel.
242 00:13:39 Widely considered a feminist icon.
243 00:13:42 She started her own purse factory, right,
244 00:13:45 in the 19-teens or '20s,whatever the hell she did.
245 00:13:47 I can't imagine the sexismthat she had to deal with, you know.
246 00:13:53 An amazing accomplishment,hats off to her, right?
247 00:13:58 However,
248 00:14:01 she was also a Nazi sympathizer.
249 00:14:04 Yeah. That's like halfher fucking Wikipedia page,
250 00:14:08 just sitting there,waiting for someone to read it.
251 00:14:13 Right out in the open, nothin'.
252 00:14:16 So evidently, what happened was,in World War II,
253 00:14:18 old Adolf came rolling into town, okay,
254 00:14:21 with his tankswith the Porsche engines in 'em,
255 00:14:24 took over the town in like 90 minutes.
256 00:14:27 She freaked out.
257 00:14:28 She closes up her shop, right?
258 00:14:30 Figured out where all the head Naziswere staying, what hotel.
259 00:14:33 She moved in thereand she started a relationship
260 00:14:37 with one of the Nazis.
261 00:14:39 Yeah.
262 00:14:40 She started fucking a Nazi.
263 00:14:48 You ever see those Holocaust videos?
264 00:14:51 Huh? With those piles of kids' shoes?
265 00:14:53 Yeah.
266 00:14:55 She was sucking the dick that did that.
267 00:15:00 Now, just to refresh my memory,
268 00:15:03 what did Sean Connery do again?
269 00:15:07 "Oh, you know, every once in a while,you give 'em a little slap."
270 00:15:12 That's what he did.
271 00:15:13 She's sittin' there like,"Hey, Adolf, what's goin' on?"
272 00:15:21 She so sold out her own country,she had to flee it at the end of the war,
273 00:15:26 and I have no idea how many dicksshe had to suck to get back in it.
274 00:15:31 But despite all of that,I still don't judge her.
275 00:15:35 I don't, 'cause I've never beenin that situation.
276 00:15:39 You know, I've never been in a countrywhere all of the sudden,
277 00:15:41 the most powerful armythe world has ever seen comes in
278 00:15:45 and takes it over in a couple of hours.
279 00:15:47 She must have been terrified, right?
280 00:15:49 And she's a woman. You know?
281 00:15:51 She's into fashion.
282 00:15:52 They show upwith those Hugo Boss uniforms.
283 00:15:55 You know, her knees buckle a little bit.
284 00:16:00 Things start getting ugly,people are getting shot in the street.
285 00:16:03 She's freakin' out.
286 00:16:04 You know.
287 00:16:06 And she's a woman,and women know push comes to shove
288 00:16:10 when you get your back against the wall.
289 00:16:12 No matter how bad it gets,they always have the option
290 00:16:16 of fucking their way out of a situation.
291 00:16:19 They always got that cardthey can play. Right?
292 00:16:23 All women know this.
293 00:16:25 Women, all women know this.
294 00:16:26 Men don't realize thistill they go to prison.
295 00:16:29 But women learn this early on.
296 00:16:35 She had the option and she took it.
297 00:16:38 I can't get mad at her for that, you know?
298 00:16:42 So she's dead and gone.I think she's up there in heaven.
299 00:16:45 I think she made it.She's up there with Sean Connery.
300 00:16:48 Every once in a while,they have a disagreement,
301 00:16:50 he gives her a little slap, you know?
302 00:16:52 She doesn't care.
303 00:16:53 Once you shit on a Nazi's chest,
304 00:16:55 a little backhand'snot gonna freak you out.
305 00:16:58 Jesus can't say anything,he got a hooker, right?
306 00:17:01 Everybody's gota little something they did.
307 00:17:11 Well, there you go, boom.
308 00:17:13 Still buy your Coco Chanel.She's still a hero.
309 00:17:17 She was a victim,she was a victim of that time.
310 00:17:22 She was frightened, she was scared.She didn't know what to do.
311 00:17:30 Uh… anyway.
312 00:17:34 So, we're living in a fucking weird time.
313 00:17:35 Obviously, beyond all the bullshitthat's going on now, like,
314 00:17:39 every time I think feminismhas kind of like died off, you know,
315 00:17:43 you know, like a band you can't stand
316 00:17:45 and they haven't put out an albumin a few years,
317 00:17:48 you're like, "Oh, good, did they quit,did they break up?"
318 00:17:51 All of the sudden,they come out with more shit.
319 00:17:53 You're like, "Fuck, what is it now?"
320 00:17:59 I'm just fucking with you.Feminism doesn't bug me, you know?
321 00:18:03 It doesn't bother me.
322 00:18:04 I'm not afraid of itor anything like that,
323 00:18:06 you know, for the simple factthat I know it's gonna fail, you know?
324 00:18:09 And I take comfort in that, I do.
325 00:18:13 I'm not rooting for it because…
326 00:18:17 I know it doesn't like me.
327 00:18:20 Um…
328 00:18:22 Yeah, do you know why I thinkit's not going to survive,
329 00:18:25 why it's not going to besuccessful anyway?
330 00:18:27 'Cause they still need men's helpto make it happen.
331 00:18:31 I don't understand it.
332 00:18:32 I don't understand why womenjust can't work with each other
333 00:18:35 and make this shit happen.
334 00:18:36 They keep coming to us, like,
335 00:18:38 "More men need to care about this issue."
336 00:18:41 "Where are the men to stand upand say something…
337 00:18:45 yak-yak-yak."
338 00:18:47 Why do I have to fuckin' say something?
339 00:18:51 This is your fuckin' problem.
340 00:18:56 Why are you alwaysdragging us into this shit?
341 00:18:59 I saw a woman a couple months back,professional soccer player, right?
342 00:19:03 She goes onto ESPNon one of these sports channels
343 00:19:06 and she starts bitching, going like,
344 00:19:10 "I don't understand,how come female athletes
345 00:19:13 don't make as muchas male professional athletes?"
346 00:19:16 Right? And all of these menhad to sit there
347 00:19:18 and act like they didn't knowwhat the answer was.
348 00:19:23 They had to sit there, like, dumbfounded.
349 00:19:25 Like, "Oh, I don't know."
350 00:19:29 "Why is that?"
351 00:19:32 "That is a conundrum. I have no idea."
352 00:19:40 Literally, I'm sitting at homescreaming at the TV,
353 00:19:42 "'Cause you don't sellany fuckin' tickets!"
354 00:19:46 Nobody is going to women's soccer games.
355 00:19:49 You're playing in a 20,000-seat arena,1,500 people show up.
356 00:19:53 That's not a good night.
357 00:19:55 The promoter losthis fucking ass on that gig.
358 00:20:02 I'm not sayingno professional female athletes--
359 00:20:05 Serena Williams,the women in the UFC, you know?
360 00:20:09 But nobody's watching your fuckin' sport.
361 00:20:11 And then you're gonna comeand you're gonna get mad at fuckin' men.
362 00:20:14 They keep doing that shit.Why are you yelling at us?
363 00:20:17 It's not our fucking job.
364 00:20:19 It's not my fuckin' job to give a fuckabout women's soccer, okay?
365 00:20:25 I have men's sport to pay attention to.
366 00:20:28 This is-- it's your bullshit, right?
367 00:20:32 Dude, look at the WNBA.
368 00:20:36 Dude, nobody in the WNBA got COVID.
369 00:20:39 Nobody.
370 00:20:41 They have been playingin front of 300 to 400 people a night
371 00:20:45 for a quarter of a century.
372 00:20:49 Not to mentionit's a male-subsidized league.
373 00:20:52 We gave ya a fuckin' league.
374 00:20:55 None of ya showed up.
375 00:20:57 Where are all the feminists?
376 00:20:59 That place should be packedwith feminists.
377 00:21:02 Faces painted, wearing jerseys,flashin' their titties.
378 00:21:07 Goin' fuckin' nuts, like the guys doin the upper deck
379 00:21:11 with their big beer titties.
380 00:21:14 "Am I on the jumbotron? Am I doing it?"
381 00:21:21 Yeah.
382 00:21:24 You didn't.
383 00:21:25 None of you, none of youwent to the fuckin' games.
384 00:21:31 None of you.You all, you failed them, not me.
385 00:21:35 Not men.Women failed the WNBA.
386 00:21:39 Ladies, ladies, name your top fiveall-time WNBA players of all time.
387 00:21:44 Come on.
388 00:21:46 Let's hear it. Name five WNBA teams.
389 00:21:49 Name the WNBA team in your fuckin' city.You can't do it!
390 00:21:54 You don't give a fuck about them.
391 00:22:01 They play night in and night outin front of nobody.
392 00:22:03 It's a fuckin' tragedy, right?
393 00:22:08 And then meanwhile,you look at the Kardashians,
394 00:22:14 they're making billions.
395 00:22:15 You look at those Real Housewives shows,
396 00:22:17 they're making money hand over fist'cause that's what women are watchin'.
397 00:22:21 The money listens.
398 00:22:23 You don't wanna watch this shit,you're watching this shit.
399 00:22:27 They just shoot it over there,drowning these whores in money
400 00:22:31 and purses and shoes and Botox.
401 00:22:34 It's just raining.
402 00:22:37 It's raining money.
403 00:22:39 Yeah. So, the money listens.
404 00:22:42 You'd rather watch that shit,Real Housewives,
405 00:22:45 a bunch of womenjust tearing each other down.
406 00:22:47 "Well, maybe that's whyyour husband left you."
407 00:22:49 "Maybe that's why your husband left.That's why you can't have kids, bitch!"
408 00:22:54 "That's why your ass is as flatas your titties, bitch." Right?
409 00:22:58 That's the message you sent.
410 00:22:59 "We would rather watch thatthan see a bunch of women
411 00:23:02 come together as a teamand try to achieve a common goal."
412 00:23:05 "We would rather watch themactually fucking destroy each other."
413 00:23:09 Yeah.
414 00:23:11 No, no, no.
415 00:23:12 And then in the end, you come backand you fuckin' yell at guys.
416 00:23:17 And it's like, let me get this straight,I have to buy you a drink,
417 00:23:20 stop the axe murdererfrom coming through the fuckin' window,
418 00:23:24 and I have to watch WNBA games for you?
419 00:23:28 Like, when are you gonna pick upyour end of the couch?
420 00:23:34 Yeah.
421 00:23:36 I don't have any sympathy for womenwhen it comes to shit like that
422 00:23:40 because every study they've ever doneto determine who's smarter,
423 00:23:45 men or women,
424 00:23:47 every study comes back and sayswomen are smarter.
425 00:23:50 Every fuckin' one.
426 00:23:52 Ladies, you shouldn't be applauding that.
427 00:23:55 You know I'm an asshole.
428 00:23:57 You know this isn't gonna end well.
429 00:24:03 "Did he say I'm pretty?"
430 00:24:05 "Oh, my God."
431 00:24:06 Get out of the relationship.
432 00:24:13 If every study saysthat you're smarter, okay,
433 00:24:17 the questionyou should be asking yourself,
434 00:24:19 if we're so goddamn smart,how are we in the situation we're in?
435 00:24:27 Well?
436 00:24:33 You're in the situation you're innot because of guys like me.
437 00:24:36 As much as you want to blame me, you know?
438 00:24:39 Ladies, you never drove bya sports bar on a football Sunday
439 00:24:42 and looked at the humanity in there?
440 00:24:45 All those dumb guyswith their big beer bellies bumpin' shit.
441 00:24:48 "Hey, he's on my fantasy team!"
442 00:24:50 "Up top, yeah!"
443 00:24:52 "You wanna getsome more mozzarella sticks?"
444 00:24:57 As a woman with your bigger brain,you never looked in there
445 00:25:01 and thought to yourself,"I'm fuckin' losin' to that?"
446 00:25:04 "I'm losin' to that?"
447 00:25:10 Yeah, there's nothing stopping you.
448 00:25:13 Other than the fact that you guysare just into destroying each other.
449 00:25:18 Oh, now it's gonna get quiet?
450 00:25:22 I see all that sneaky shit you do.
451 00:25:24 Ladies, if you could justsupport the WNBA
452 00:25:27 the way you supporta fat chick that's proud of her body
453 00:25:31 and is no longer a threat to you,you know?
454 00:25:34 That league would be doingbetter numbers than the NBA.
455 00:25:40 Oh, my God, that's oneof the saddest things I've ever seen.
456 00:25:44 "Oh, my God, you're a goddess,you're gorgeous."
457 00:25:46 "You look great in that bikini."
458 00:25:48 "I would kill myselfif I looked like that."
459 00:25:50 "Keep eating, keep eating."
460 00:25:53 "Lose a toe, you fat bitch."
461 00:25:55 It's just…
462 00:25:58 You saw an alcoholic, would you be like,"Oh, my God, look at you."
463 00:26:01 "You're facedown, passed out,your kids are crying."
464 00:26:04 "You're a hero, you're a god."
465 00:26:07 "Keep doing what you're doing."
466 00:26:10 You'd be like,"Dude, get your fuckin' shit together."
467 00:26:13 "Get off the sauce."
468 00:26:18 I will say that's one of the mostgenius things I've ever seen,
469 00:26:22 how regular-looking womensomehow mind-fucked advertising
470 00:26:27 to get beautiful women off of billboards.
471 00:26:31 Yeah. Just regular fuckin'who-gives-a-shit-lookin' women, right?
472 00:26:36 I'm just being honest.
473 00:26:37 Come on, we're outside,we're in the woods, we can be honest.
474 00:26:45 Just regular who-gives-a-fuck…
475 00:26:50 can't-remember-her-name-looking women.
476 00:26:53 Right?
477 00:26:55 Lookin' at these goddessesand they had to fuckin' be…
478 00:26:58 "How am I supposed to compete with that?"
479 00:27:01 You can't!
480 00:27:03 How fucking arrogant are you?
481 00:27:08 I don't see Brad Pittwhen he takes his shirt off in a movie
482 00:27:10 and, "Oh, great, how am Isupposed to compete with that?"
483 00:27:13 I can't.
484 00:27:15 I am an ugly, bald, orange man.
485 00:27:18 I need to write jokes.
486 00:27:19 I gotta put a lampshade on my head.
487 00:27:22 I know what my role is, okay?
488 00:27:25 I should be on the ground gazing upat people better-looking than me.
489 00:27:33 I don't know, ladies, this is supposedto be like an inspirational talk.
490 00:27:36 I don't knowif it's coming through this way.
491 00:27:38 I'm trying to say, if you really like…
492 00:27:42 If you get throughall the misdirected anger of my childhood…
493 00:27:48 I'm trying to say,you're smarter than we are
494 00:27:52 and there's more of you.
495 00:27:56 I don't know.
496 00:28:00 I don't know what to tell you.I'm trying to be-- I don't know.
497 00:28:03 Trying to be a better personduring all of this shit, you know? I am.
498 00:28:08 You know, I got this new thing, man.I try to help out homeless people.
499 00:28:13 You know? Sometimes I help them out,sometimes I don't.
500 00:28:16 You know, it's like the mood you're in,how much they freak you out.
501 00:28:20 You know?
502 00:28:21 So, this is what I do.
503 00:28:24 You got to do something
504 00:28:26 because people at the topdon't seem to be doing anything.
505 00:28:29 I try to bring all my old clothes downto the tent cities to give it to them.
506 00:28:33 It's a good thing to do,but I gotta tell you something,
507 00:28:36 you gotta do it during the day.
508 00:28:38 All right? You want to do itduring the day
509 00:28:41 when they're tiredfrom Thunderdome the night before,
510 00:28:44 they're coming downfrom whatever they're on,
511 00:28:47 realizing there'sa nail in their shoulder.
512 00:28:50 You want to get them when they're tired.
513 00:28:52 You don't go at night.
514 00:28:53 No one's gonna see you again,you're gonna end up on a fuckin' spit.
515 00:28:57 I mean, you're under an overpass,you never know what can happen, okay?
516 00:29:01 I'm just warning you'cause they don't make homeless people
517 00:29:03 the way they made themwhen I was a kid, you know?
518 00:29:06 When I was a kid,a homeless guy was a bum,
519 00:29:09 he was a vagrant,somebody down on his luck or whatever.
520 00:29:11 You know, a wino.
521 00:29:13 They didn't have this Shutter Island shitgoing on that they had out there,
522 00:29:17 like people talking to trees.
523 00:29:19 [shouting gibberish]
524 00:29:23 You're right herehaving, like, eggs Benedict.
525 00:29:27 He's, like, looking througha porthole over your cabbage.
526 00:29:31 Yeah.
527 00:29:32 When I was a kid, you could onlybe crazy outside for about 15 minutes
528 00:29:36 before a van would pull up
529 00:29:39 and two guys in nurses' outfitswould just come walking out.
530 00:29:42 "Hey, buddy, how's it going?"
531 00:29:46 "You're making a lot of racketout here, aren't ya?"
532 00:29:49 "Why don't you do me a favor,try this shirt on?"
533 00:29:52 Be like, "Okay.How come the sleeves are so long?"
534 00:29:57 "Oh, because we're gonnatie your arms behind your back
535 00:29:59 'cause you're outof your fucking mind, that's it."
536 00:30:04 "Not gonna have you out herescaring the shit out of people."
537 00:30:07 "Get in the fuckin' van!"
538 00:30:11 And he got in the van and that was it.They send you to a nuthouse.
539 00:30:14 That's it, boom, bam, done, nuthouse.
540 00:30:17 But the problem wasthe people at the nuthouses
541 00:30:19 started fucking the patients
542 00:30:21 'cause everybody knowscrazy people are great in bed, right?
543 00:30:24 So they're banging away, right?
544 00:30:29 Hey, it happened.
545 00:30:30 You're groaning at history, all right?
546 00:30:33 You can shake your headsall you want, but…
547 00:30:36 Hey, hey!
548 00:30:39 They fucked those people, all right?
549 00:30:42 And they were banging away,doctors with their fuckin' lab coats
550 00:30:45 flappin' in the wind, just banging away,
551 00:30:47 until finally… for decades…
552 00:30:50 finally somebodywith a heart came walking in,
553 00:30:52 "Hey, what the fuck is going on here?"
554 00:30:56 And then they shut it down andthen they just let all these people go.
555 00:31:00 They all came running outlike Mike Myers,
556 00:31:02 jumping up on station wagons and shit.
557 00:31:07 So that's the thing,you go during the day.
558 00:31:11 And I gotta tell you, when I pull upto one of these tent cities,
559 00:31:15 I always feel good about myself.
560 00:31:16 "This is good, man,helping out a fellow American."
561 00:31:18 "I would want them to do that for me."
562 00:31:20 "It's fuckin' ridiculouspeople have to live like that."
563 00:31:22 That's what I think when I'm in the car,
564 00:31:24 and then the second I get outand that smell hits me,
565 00:31:27 I'm like, "What the fuck am I doing?Jesus Christ, these people are animals!"
566 00:31:31 Right?
567 00:31:33 I would equate itto the same feeling you probably get
568 00:31:36 if you were on a safariand you're in the Land Rover,
569 00:31:38 and you look overand you see, like, a leopard.
570 00:31:40 You're like, "Look atthat leopard over there." Right?
571 00:31:43 Then all of the sudden you go over a bumpand fall out of the fuckin' Range Rover.
572 00:31:47 "Oh, fuck, that's a leopard!"
573 00:31:53 Yeah, so I pull upand I'm feeling like fuckin' Uncle Sam.
574 00:31:57 Then I get out of the car and I'm like,"What the fuck am I doing?"
575 00:32:00 I start walking like this.
576 00:32:03 There's alwayssome sort of movement going on,
577 00:32:05 somebody fuckin' limpingacross the street or something.
578 00:32:10 And I've never been able to getclose enough to talk, really, to anybody.
579 00:32:14 You know, like they do on the news.
580 00:32:16 You know, like, "Jeez,have you been sitting in here,
581 00:32:18 you know, for a couple of months?"
582 00:32:21 "What is it liketo be inside of this tent?"
583 00:32:24 I always wondered how many peoplethey had to choke out
584 00:32:27 before they could getthat fuckin' interview.
585 00:32:29 You know, just comin' in… blow darts.
586 00:32:33 Numbin' up everybody else.
587 00:32:36 Building a perimeter.
588 00:32:38 So, what I…
589 00:32:40 What I do is I get about 30 yards away,
590 00:32:42 and then I just start walking like this.
591 00:32:46 And then I chicken out,I always chicken out.
592 00:32:48 Thirty yards away,I just go, "Free shirts!"
593 00:32:52 I run back to the car.
594 00:32:54 And that's when your brainstarts playing tricks on you.
595 00:32:57 Like I'm convinced somebody just camerunning out of the tent with a 2-by-4.
596 00:33:01 Running after me.
597 00:33:04 So I always do a lap around my carbefore I get in it, you know.
598 00:33:09 'Cause homeless peoplehave horrible lateral movement.
599 00:33:11 You know, from all those yearsof sleeping on the sidewalk,
600 00:33:14 their hips are just junk, you know,like an NFL running back.
601 00:33:18 They slow down like a cruise ship,go right up and over the horizon.
602 00:33:22 So in that time, you go around,you get in your car, you drive away.
603 00:33:26 You drive away.
604 00:33:27 Your closet's a little more empty.
605 00:33:31 You can go out,you can fill it back up again
606 00:33:35 with shit you don't fuckin' need,you know, that's what you do.
607 00:33:39 [man] America!
608 00:33:40 What's that, sir?
609 00:33:42 [man] America!
610 00:33:42 America, yeah! America! Don't think.Just do what you wanna do.
611 00:33:46 Take your dick out, you know?
612 00:33:49 I'll tell ya, that's whatGeorge Washington was talking about.
613 00:33:52 You know?
614 00:33:54 They really needto shut down the Internet.
615 00:33:56 We are clearly too stupidto all be sharing ideas
616 00:34:01 in this giant townie barthat we've created.
617 00:34:06 You guys are all cheering,you're all on the Internet just like me.
618 00:34:09 I was on the Internetfor six hours last night.
619 00:34:13 Trying to figure outwhat kills a beaver, you know?
620 00:34:19 Does a beaver have a natural predator?
621 00:34:23 No. You wouldn't know it fromall the ignorant shit I've said so far,
622 00:34:27 but I am a changed person,believe it or not.
623 00:34:31 I am.
624 00:34:31 I had an experience earlier this year.
625 00:34:35 -[man] Bullshit.-This is all true. You don't think so?
626 00:34:38 Guy just yelled "bullshit."
627 00:34:39 Are you saying "bullshit," sir,'cause you don't believe me
628 00:34:42 or 'cause you don't want me to leave?
629 00:34:44 Is that what it is?
630 00:34:46 The little angry circle that you're in?
631 00:34:50 Don't be goin' and gettin' happy now.Don't be goin' and gettin' soft on me.
632 00:34:54 Don't start huggin' peopleand lovin' yourself.
633 00:34:58 And cryin' when you see somethin' cute.Hang onto it!
634 00:35:05 Lash out at people.
635 00:35:08 Reach for your pistolunder the seat. Do it!
636 00:35:11 [man] Yeah!
637 00:35:12 No, I took mushrooms back in Februaryfor the first time ever.
638 00:35:16 [audience cheering, whistling]
639 00:35:22 This is the perfect stateto tell this story.
640 00:35:27 You guys should literally have…
641 00:35:30 you should have mushroomson your fuckin' license plate.
642 00:35:34 All right, so here's the deal.
643 00:35:36 I never fucked with anything like that.I was always a booze guy.
644 00:35:40 Always a booze guy, you know.Yeah, you know.
645 00:35:44 Relax, everybody. I always get nervouswhen I get white guys going like,
646 00:35:48 "Yeah! All right, whoo!"
647 00:35:50 "All right!"
648 00:35:51 "Build the wall! Yeah!"
649 00:35:53 I'm fuckin' around, relax.
650 00:36:00 It's frightening to listen to,but that's what being a guy is.
651 00:36:03 You're not allowed to have emotions.
652 00:36:07 So all that shit comes outwhen you're drinking.
653 00:36:09 [growling]
654 00:36:12 "Do something dumbso I don't feel stupid!"
655 00:36:18 So… yeah, I was always like a booze guy,
656 00:36:22 so I never fuckedwith psychedelics or whatever,
657 00:36:24 so it was one of these deals.I was out in the desert, man,
658 00:36:28 and I was like, all right,I got somebody watching my kids.
659 00:36:32 Everything's fine, I'm in my fifties.
660 00:36:34 I gotta do it nowor I'm never gonna do it, right?
661 00:36:37 So this person, who may or may nothave been my opening act tonight, goes,
662 00:36:42 "All right, man."
663 00:36:47 Uh…
664 00:36:48 He's a good man, he's a good man.
665 00:36:51 He says to me, he goes, "All right."
666 00:36:53 He goes, "Okay,just take like, you know…"
667 00:36:56 You know, it's always just like,"All right,
668 00:36:58 so, like, how fucked updo you wanna get, all right?"
669 00:37:02 And there's always like a squareand it's like,
670 00:37:04 "Okay, don't eat the whole square."
671 00:37:06 "Just like, bite one corner,
672 00:37:09 lick the other one,and then rub the other one."
673 00:37:12 "Let it absorb in your face or whatever."
674 00:37:16 So, I'm like, "All right." He goes,"How far into it do you wanna go?"
675 00:37:19 I go, "I just wanna trip a little bit,nothing crazy."
676 00:37:21 So he goes, "Fine,"so I ate just a little bit.
677 00:37:23 I get a little nauseous or whatever.At first it feels like I ate somethings,
678 00:37:27 but then all of the sudden I notice shit that's not alive
679 00:37:30 looks like it's breathing, right?
680 00:37:32 Like the refrigerator looked likeit just did a lap around the house.
681 00:37:36 It's kind of…
682 00:37:39 Nothin' threatening, you know.It needed it, you know.
683 00:37:45 TV started getting bigger.It's looking like it's gonna fall on me.
684 00:37:49 All right, and I was doing fine.
685 00:37:51 I was like, "I know that TV'snot getting bigger."
686 00:37:54 "And if it is, I don'tgive a shit, go ahead."
687 00:37:56 "Spill that pixelation all over me,I don't give a fuck."
688 00:38:00 "I know I'm trippin', I'm having fun.I'm giggling."
689 00:38:03 I'm laughing and shit,I'm putting things together,
690 00:38:06 and everything is fuckin' great.
691 00:38:08 And all of the sudden, about an hour in…
692 00:38:11 all of a suddenthis profound sense of loneliness
693 00:38:15 and not feeling loved just washed over me.
694 00:38:19 Yeah, and I was just like,"I fuckin' knew it."
695 00:38:24 I fuckin' knew it.This is why I didn't do it.
696 00:38:27 I knew I had too many demons.
697 00:38:28 I knew I wasn't going to see Godand fuckin' unicorns
698 00:38:32 and slide down the rainbowand roll around in the grass.
699 00:38:36 I fuckin' knew Satan was coming up.
700 00:38:39 There was gonna be a guywith a knife and shit.
701 00:38:41 I was just like, "All right, go ahead.Drag me into the abyss."
702 00:38:45 "Let me see how fucked up I am,"
703 00:38:47 and this feeling, it just enveloped me,
704 00:38:51 and I don't even know how to describe it,it wasn't even a feeling.
705 00:38:54 It just was, it just was.
706 00:38:58 So I'm freakin' the fuck out.I'm sitting there like, "What the fuck?"
707 00:39:01 I can't get out of it, dude.
708 00:39:03 Like I could walka hundred fuckin' million miles,
709 00:39:06 I can't walk out of it, it just was.
710 00:39:08 So everybody else is, like, trippin',I didn't want to fuckin' ruin their trip,
711 00:39:12 so I'm just like, "All right, dude,I'm just gonna go to the bedroom."
712 00:39:16 "Oh, look at the refrigerator.Refrigerator…"
713 00:39:18 [laughing nervously]
714 00:39:20 All right.
715 00:39:23 "I'm just feelin' a little nauseous."
716 00:39:30 Just playin' it up, right?
717 00:39:32 Goin' in the fuckin' bedroom,
718 00:39:34 and I'm just layin' downin the bedroom like,
719 00:39:36 "Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck?"
720 00:39:39 And every time I thoughtI felt the bottom, it would just…
721 00:39:45 just further into the bed,further into the bed,
722 00:39:50 further into the bed.
723 00:39:52 So about a half hour later,my wife comes in.
724 00:39:55 She's like, "Hey, how you doing?"
725 00:39:57 Typical guy.
726 00:39:58 "Great, I'm doin' great."
727 00:40:03 "I'm doin' great."
728 00:40:05 "It's goin' great."
729 00:40:07 So she's laying next to me,
730 00:40:09 "I'm feeling a little nauseous,this is a little bit much for me."
731 00:40:12 And she's just laying downand I'm just feeling this feeling.
732 00:40:15 Not feeling loved,profound sense of loneliness.
733 00:40:19 So now I'm just looking at my wife,and my brain just starts going like,
734 00:40:22 "Oh, fuck, did I marry the wrong person?"
735 00:40:25 "Why am I lookin' at…"
736 00:40:29 I know it seems fucked up,but once you're married long enough,
737 00:40:32 even not on mushrooms, you havethat thought every fuckin' six weeks.
738 00:40:35 You just do.
739 00:40:37 Something happens where youjust look at the side of their head
740 00:40:41 and just do the math and just think,"Why did I ever talk to you?"
741 00:40:45 "I could have just walked by.I didn't even have to say hello."
742 00:40:48 "We had no relationship."
743 00:40:51 "We were nothing!"
744 00:40:55 "What would happenif I just never talked to you?"
745 00:40:59 Every six weeks,you think that's a healthy relationship?
746 00:41:02 That means you've still held onto a part of yourself
747 00:41:05 that even though you love this person,you still, you know,
748 00:41:09 you still want to run aroundlike a mustang a little bit, right?
749 00:41:13 So anyways, I'm like,that was freaking me out even more
750 00:41:16 to think of my wife and be feeling that.
751 00:41:19 So I was like,"Fuck, I need to pull the rip cord."
752 00:41:21 "I gotta get out of this fuckin'…it's like a giant beanbag."
753 00:41:26 Couldn't get out of it, right?So I was like, "Oh, fuck."
754 00:41:29 Think about your kids.Now, I love my kids.
755 00:41:33 And I know they love me,there is no fuckin' question.
756 00:41:36 And I start thinking about my kids.
757 00:41:38 And I still felt that feeling.
758 00:41:40 And I was like,"All right, what the fuck is this?"
759 00:41:45 'Cause I know that's bullshit.
760 00:41:48 And I just sort of laid there.
761 00:41:50 And I relaxed.
762 00:41:51 And I went,"Oh, fuck, I know what this is."
763 00:41:58 This is how I felt growing up.
764 00:42:00 [chuckles]
765 00:42:03 Yeah.
766 00:42:04 This is what the '70s and '80s were like.
767 00:42:08 Both your parents worked.
768 00:42:09 You got a set of keys to the housewhen you were three.
769 00:42:12 "Oh, yeah, son.Get the fuck out of my face, son."
770 00:42:17 It was fuckin' nuts, yeah.
771 00:42:18 I grew up in a very,like, angry time, you know?
772 00:42:21 Like, you were afraid of your dad,your dad's dad.
773 00:42:24 I talked about this shit before,but I'm still working through it,
774 00:42:27 so just bear with me.
775 00:42:28 You just were fuckin'…
776 00:42:29 Yeah, like I love seeing kidsnowadays loving their dad.
777 00:42:34 Like, "Dad, wanna go play, Dad?Let's go ride bikes! Dad!"
778 00:42:40 Yeah, when I was a kid,it was like, "Dad, fuck, Dad!"
779 00:42:43 "Fuck!"
780 00:42:45 "Run! Open a window."
781 00:42:47 "Mom, what did you see in that?"
782 00:42:52 -Fucking lunatic, right?-[man] Yeah!
783 00:42:55 It was absolute fuckin' lunacy.And not just my house.
784 00:42:58 I love my parents,but it was just the time.
785 00:43:00 Everybody was fuckin' crazy,you were afraid,
786 00:43:03 and people could put their hands on youand other people's dads could hit you,
787 00:43:07 and then you come home,"What the fuck did you do?"
788 00:43:09 "I'll fuckin' hit you for it!"It was just nuts.
789 00:43:13 Teachers would grab you,dig their nails into your fuckin' neck.
790 00:43:16 She'd come home, "She wouldn't havedone that unless something happened."
791 00:43:19 Right? It was all of that shit.
792 00:43:22 Me and my siblings,we all beat the shit out of each other.
793 00:43:25 You know.
794 00:43:26 And then we all teased the dog,and the dog bit all of us.
795 00:43:29 And we never got rid of the dog.One time the dog bit me in the face.
796 00:43:33 I was fuckin' with it,it was eating, I was like…
797 00:43:35 And he latched onto my face like…
798 00:43:38 Like that. My dad hadto stitch me up and everything.
799 00:43:41 We still didn't get rid of the dog,you know?
800 00:43:44 "Aw, he's a good dog, he had a moment."
801 00:43:46 "Jesus Christ, you shouldn't have putyour goddamn face down there
802 00:43:50 near the fuckin' dog."
803 00:43:52 Yeah. So that's all it was.
804 00:43:56 It was weird, we were likeThe Brady Bunch meets Lord of the Flies.
805 00:44:00 Like, on paper, it was great.
806 00:44:02 It was a station wagonfull of fuckin', you know…
807 00:44:04 Norman Rockwell, we went to church,we got Dunkin' Donuts.
808 00:44:08 Yeah, that was about the fuck-- so…
809 00:44:12 I don't know, so anyway,we all ended up--
810 00:44:14 my dad was one of those people,he said whatever the fuck was on his mind.
811 00:44:18 You know what I mean?
812 00:44:19 Yeah. You know, like that haircutwomen get when they get to a certain age?
813 00:44:23 They got a couple of kids,they just get it cut a little shorter
814 00:44:26 'cause they don't wanna deal with it.
815 00:44:27 They put that littleHillary Clinton flip in it or something.
816 00:44:30 Right? They get itall shaved up the fuckin' back.
817 00:44:33 First time you bend 'em over,
818 00:44:35 you feel like you're fuckin'your friend Eric. Right?
819 00:44:38 You know?
820 00:44:39 But you love your wife,so you lie and you tell them,
821 00:44:42 "Oh, looks good."
822 00:44:45 "Looks great, I always wantedto fuck Geraldine Ferraro."
823 00:44:48 "My God, it's amazing."
824 00:44:53 My dad didn't care.
825 00:44:55 We picked my mother up,she got in the car, he just goes,
826 00:44:58 "Aw, Christ, it looks like shit!"
827 00:45:01 "Jesus Christ, what the fuckdid they do to you?"
828 00:45:04 "Aw, for Christ's sake,you look like a fuckin' man."
829 00:45:07 My mom's just sittin' there like…
830 00:45:09 We're in the back seat like, "This is whata functional relationship looks like."
831 00:45:14 Whoo!
832 00:45:17 Yeah.
833 00:45:20 So, because of all that, we all ended upgetting, like, physical ailments
834 00:45:24 from being in the fight-or-flight modeour whole lives.
835 00:45:28 Everything, gym teachers were scary,collecting on your paper--
836 00:45:31 Everybody was scary fuckin' everything.
837 00:45:33 One time my dad told a priesthe didn't deserve to wear the collar.
838 00:45:40 I don't know how it happened.
839 00:45:42 We were discussingthe altar boys' schedule…
840 00:45:46 and, I don't know, he wantedto put me on a different mass,
841 00:45:49 and my dad started getting his leg going.
842 00:45:51 "You don't deserve to wearthe fucking collar!"
843 00:45:53 The guy's jaw was on the ground,and then the best part,
844 00:45:56 next week we go to mass.
845 00:45:57 They haven't spoken in a week,and my dad comes walkin' like,
846 00:46:00 "Hey, how you doin', what's going on?"
847 00:46:02 Like nothing happened.
848 00:46:04 Yeah, so anyway, we all end upgetting these physical ailments.
849 00:46:07 Like one of my siblingshas stomach problems,
850 00:46:10 another one has this painthat won't go away in his back.
851 00:46:13 I remember I had, like, alopeciain, like, the third grade.
852 00:46:17 Third grade, I literally hadclumps of hair falling out
853 00:46:20 like I was workingon Wall Street, you know.
854 00:46:23 And I was just sitting there like,"Did I pick up all the toys?"
855 00:46:26 "Did I do the dishes?"
856 00:46:27 "He's gonna find something,he always finds something."
857 00:46:30 "Fuck, what do I do? I gotta kill him."
858 00:46:32 "I should kill him,that's what I should do."
859 00:46:34 "When he's sleeping,I'll take an extension cord."
860 00:46:36 "I'll wrap it around,put my fuckin' foot on his back."
861 00:46:41 "Billy seems to lack the focusin class that he needs."
862 00:46:46 "He's not working upto his ability." Right?
863 00:46:51 Yeah, so, anyway,I took these fuckin' mushrooms.
864 00:46:55 All right?
865 00:46:57 And I realized that I have beencarrying that shit around
866 00:47:01 and being like, all right,well, that's why I drank the way I did.
867 00:47:05 That's why I've trashed women the way I--
868 00:47:08 all the fuckin' shit.
869 00:47:10 I knew every fuckin' thing I did,good and bad, in that moment.
870 00:47:14 I was like, all right,now I got to get sober
871 00:47:16 and I got to fuckin' workmy way through this shit,
872 00:47:19 because, you know, my wife--
873 00:47:20 I don't know if you guys noticed,I have a bit of a temper.
874 00:47:24 [chuckles]
875 00:47:26 "No, not you, Bill." Yeah.
876 00:47:28 So here's the thing,you know, I'm so fucked up
877 00:47:31 and grew up in such a fucked-up timethat I didn't even think I had a temper
878 00:47:35 'cause I was like, "I don't fuckin'yell at people in my house."
879 00:47:40 I curse my wife out,I mean we get into it.
880 00:47:43 I get into it with her,but I don't go like,
881 00:47:45 "Jesus Christ, you fuckin' bitch,"I don't do that stuff.
882 00:47:48 I don't yell at my kids,but what I do is…
883 00:47:51 what I still do is I flip out.
884 00:47:53 So, like I said, I didn't thinkthat this was a problem.
885 00:47:56 My wife told me it was a problem,but I don't listen to her, you know.
886 00:48:01 Why would I listen to her?All she does is criticize, you know?
887 00:48:05 I got nothing but bad reviewson the fuckin' Husband Yelp.
888 00:48:09 It's just all, "You know,didn't enjoy the experience."
889 00:48:13 "Thumbs down, half a star,"never get a fuckin' "attaboy," right?
890 00:48:19 So it just becomeswhite noise after a while.
891 00:48:21 "What, am I doing something wrong again?Oh, yeah, you again, okay, great."
892 00:48:25 "Great, what did I do this time, huh?"
893 00:48:27 "What do I have to work on?"
894 00:48:29 "Go ahead, fuckin' let me know," right?
895 00:48:33 So, I don't listen to my lovely wife.
896 00:48:36 Like an idiot--Like the idiot that I am, so…
897 00:48:39 One day I learned a harsh lesson, okay?
898 00:48:42 It was a breakfast time.
899 00:48:43 For some reason I had,like, 20 minutes to myself,
900 00:48:46 which is really rare when yougot two kids four and under, right?
901 00:48:49 So I'm thinking like, "Holy shit,I can actually make myself a breakfast,
902 00:48:53 like the old days."
903 00:48:54 "I'll make two eggs over easy,I'll make some toast,
904 00:48:56 I'll make some bacon,fuckin' burn it up the way I like it."
905 00:48:59 "It's gonna be the shit, right?"
906 00:49:01 So I'm having a great time,making myself a Grand Slam breakfast.
907 00:49:04 I sit down to eat, I got the OJ,I got the glass of water.
908 00:49:07 It looks like a picture from a commercial.
909 00:49:10 And right as I sit down to eat,my phone lights up
910 00:49:13 and I get a text message from my buddy.
911 00:49:15 He goes, "Hey, man, I thoughtyou were coming on this Zoom meeting."
912 00:49:19 "It started five minutes ago,we need you on this."
913 00:49:22 And I just absolutely lost it.
914 00:49:24 I was like, Jesus Christ,of course I have a meeting.
915 00:49:27 Of course I have my meeting,because why couldn't I just have
916 00:49:30 one goddamn cocksuckingmotherfucking moment to myself?!
917 00:49:34 Fuckin' toast flying all over the place.
918 00:49:37 Flippin' the fuck up.
919 00:49:38 And then all of the sudden, my daughter,who was like two and a half at the time,
920 00:49:43 comes running into the kitchenwith big tears in her eyes,
921 00:49:46 just going, "I sorry, I sorry, Dada.Dada, I sorry."
922 00:49:51 And I was like, "Oh, shit!"
923 00:49:54 So I literally just squatted down,I was like, "No, buddy, come here."
924 00:49:57 "I wasn't yelling at you.Daddy would never yell at you."
925 00:49:59 "I love you, buddy.Daddy was yelling at the phone, okay?"
926 00:50:03 "Dad yells at the phone when it says stuffthat he doesn't like, okay?"
927 00:50:08 "Your dad has issues. I'm sorry, buddy.I would never yell at you."
928 00:50:11 And I could literally feelher tears drying in my shirt.
929 00:50:14 I was like, "Buddy,I would never do that, okay?"
930 00:50:16 "I love you. You still love me?"
931 00:50:18 She said, "Yeah."I go, "Okay, all right, buddy."
932 00:50:20 And then you knowwhen you do that thing with a kid
933 00:50:22 where you turn them around and push themin the direction you want them to go in?
934 00:50:35 And I just had to sit there like,I just did that
935 00:50:38 to a two-and-a-half-year-old,and she was like walking away,
936 00:50:41 and I'm just sitting there thinking like,
937 00:50:43 "How bad was that?"
938 00:50:46 "Is she just gonna go play with a toyand forget about it,
939 00:50:49 or is she no longergonna be an astronaut?"
940 00:50:52 Like, what did I just do?
941 00:50:56 I thought I was better than my dad,
942 00:50:58 I'm making the same mistakesthat he's making.
943 00:51:00 I fuckin' hate myself.
944 00:51:02 I didn't do the meeting,I didn't eat the breakfast.
945 00:51:04 I just went upstairs,just wanted to be alone, right?
946 00:51:07 Just want to be fuckin' alone, but Igot a wife, so it doesn't work that way.
947 00:51:11 You know?
948 00:51:12 Especially when you fuck upas bad as I did
949 00:51:15 and as loudly as I did.
950 00:51:16 I knew she was comin' down the hall.
951 00:51:19 I knew I was goingto have to watch some game film.
952 00:51:22 She was bringing the projector,the screen was gonna come down,
953 00:51:26 and I'm literally just laying in there,like, "Please, God,
954 00:51:28 just let her give me two minutesto fuckin' calm down."
955 00:51:33 Nope, she just comes right inand she's just like, "So…
956 00:51:38 you wanna discuss that little incidentthat happened downstairs in the kitchen?"
957 00:51:42 And I'm like, "No, honey,can you just give me a second?"
958 00:51:44 "My heart is still on the floor.Give me a second. I know I fucked up."
959 00:51:47 She doesn't give a shit at that point,and she's right, it's her kid too,
960 00:51:51 so she just launched in, "If you thinkyou can do this in this fuckin' house…"
961 00:51:54 All this shit, and…
962 00:51:57 I mean, she was 100% right,
963 00:51:59 but I wasn't readyto hear the information.
964 00:52:02 So she just sort of zoned out."They're my kids too and…"
965 00:52:08 And I'm just sittin' there…
966 00:52:13 laying in the bedwith the nerve to be upset with her.
967 00:52:15 She didn't do anything,and I'm just staring at her mouth
968 00:52:19 as it's moving, not hearing anything.
969 00:52:23 I just started thinking of the news,a news story popped into my head.
970 00:52:28 You know that news story,you'll see it every year, year and a half.
971 00:52:31 You'll see some guy,never committed a crime in his life,
972 00:52:35 you know, went to church every week.
973 00:52:37 Helped old ladies across the street.
974 00:52:39 And then out of nowhere,he just kills his wife.
975 00:52:43 It's gotta be from times like this.It just has to be.
976 00:52:48 He just had something to say.
977 00:52:50 Like, I don't know,I just fucked up, but…
978 00:52:53 I knew she was right, so I sat there,I fuckin' took it, you know?
979 00:52:57 I will say, as an aside,the next time you see a guy
980 00:53:01 who never even cheated on his taxes,
981 00:53:04 and then out of nowhere he kills his wife,
982 00:53:05 I think it's high time to bring backthe question, "What did she say?"
983 00:53:08 Okay? I'm just sayin', all right?
984 00:53:15 Examine the problem from 360 degrees.
985 00:53:19 So anyway, so,
986 00:53:22 I love my dad and everything, you know,but there's things I want to improve on,
987 00:53:26 so the great thing I have doneis my kids are not afraid of me.
988 00:53:30 And every time I have fucked up,I've gotten down on my kids' level
989 00:53:33 and let them knowthat I was wrong and I apologize.
990 00:53:36 So, the great thing ismy kids are not afraid of me.
991 00:53:38 So now, my daughter's a little bit older,she's like four and a half now,
992 00:53:42 so now whenever I start flipping out,she actually has been helping me to stop.
993 00:53:46 'Cause the second I hearthat cute voice, I can't…
994 00:53:49 I just think, "Dada, I sorry,"I just immediately…
995 00:53:52 It's hilarious, I'll be in the kitchen.
996 00:53:54 I'm always in the kitchendoing something, right?
997 00:53:56 And one day I just come in like,"What the fuck kind of toaster is this?"
998 00:54:00 "What was wrong with the other toaster?"
999 00:54:02 "I need to download the appto make fucking cocksucking…"
1000 00:54:06 And all of the sudden,she'll just be like,
1001 00:54:08 in the other room, be like,"Dad, don't scream like that!"
1002 00:54:12 The second I hear that voice,I'm like, "You're right, buddy, sorry."
1003 00:54:16 "Sorry, I'm just gonnadownload the app here."
1004 00:54:21 "Download the app in the amount of timeit would take to make some fuckin' toast!"
1005 00:54:25 Um…
1006 00:54:27 "Ooh, Dad, you said a bad word.You said a bad word."
1007 00:54:31 She does all of that shit, right?
1008 00:54:33 To the point, one night--we have movie night once a week.
1009 00:54:36 It's my favorite thing, we'll watchsome Pixar thing, you know.
1010 00:54:39 One of those great movies, you know.They're great.
1011 00:54:41 They're for kids and adults.It's fuckin' awesome.
1012 00:54:43 We sit down, make the popcornand everything.
1013 00:54:45 So we have this smart TVin the living room.
1014 00:54:48 Oh, people, this is a smart TV.
1015 00:54:50 Oh, is it smart.
1016 00:54:52 Oh, is this fuckin' TV.
1017 00:54:53 It's so goddamn smartthat one time I was in there,
1018 00:54:57 I had all the lights up becausewe were gonna watch a movie,
1019 00:55:00 but the TV's so smart,as I'm pressing "on"…
1020 00:55:03 which you don't even do.
1021 00:55:05 Don't hit the "on" button.
1022 00:55:06 You hit the "on" button, that fucks it up,you gotta press two other buttons.
1023 00:55:10 "Oh, is that what I gotta do?Is that what I have to fuckin' do?"
1024 00:55:14 "Don't scream like that.""You're right, buddy."
1025 00:55:18 This fuckin' thing, if the lightsare out, will not turn on,
1026 00:55:22 'cause it's thinking,"Well, the lights are out,
1027 00:55:25 obviously nobody is in the room."
1028 00:55:28 Well, maybe somebody's asleepon the couch
1029 00:55:30 and they rolled over onto the remote.
1030 00:55:32 Meanwhile I'm standing in the dark,
1031 00:55:34 "You're gonna turn on 'cause I fuckin'bought you and I fuckin' said so," right?
1032 00:55:40 So my kid comes running.
1033 00:55:42 She's like, "Dada,don't scream like that."
1034 00:55:45 I'm like, "You're right, buddy.I'm sorry."
1035 00:55:47 She's like, "Dada,why do you scream like that?"
1036 00:55:49 "'Cause I paidall this money for this TV."
1037 00:55:52 "I wanna sit downand watch the movie with you,
1038 00:55:54 and every time I go to turn it on,it won't turn on."
1039 00:55:56 "It's always something."
1040 00:55:58 So she put her little handon my shoulder,
1041 00:56:00 she goes, "Dada, it's gonna be okay.It's gonna be okay."
1042 00:56:04 Right? I don't even thinkshe knows what that means.
1043 00:56:07 I just think she knows when to say it,because my wife always says that.
1044 00:56:11 "Honey, it's gonna be okay, just relax.We'll get you another balloon."
1045 00:56:14 "We can get you another one."
1046 00:56:16 So that's what she did.
1047 00:56:17 She was just going,"Dada, it's gonna be okay."
1048 00:56:19 Right? She had that littlecute hand on my shoulder.
1049 00:56:22 And I don't know, it just hit me,I was just thinking like, yeah.
1050 00:56:26 You're right,it is going to be okay, right?
1051 00:56:29 "I mean, I could turn the lights on."
1052 00:56:33 "I can relax.I don't even need to watch it."
1053 00:56:35 "As long as I'm hanging out with you,this is great."
1054 00:56:38 It was like a profound moment for mefor like half a second.
1055 00:56:41 Then another moment,then I felt like a loser
1056 00:56:45 'cause I'm like, how fucked up am Ithat a four-and-a-half-year-old
1057 00:56:48 is, like, my life coach,like, dropping these truth bombs on me?
1058 00:56:56 So… anyway.
1059 00:56:59 So I'm going to try to stay soberuntil I figure out…
1060 00:57:04 Yeah, dude, it fuckin' sucks, though,I'm not gonna lie to you.
1061 00:57:07 Just every day, takin' life in the face.
1062 00:57:13 Praying for sleep.
1063 00:57:14 Oh, God, make it end.
1064 00:57:17 Fuckin' hate these happy sober people.
1065 00:57:19 "It's amazing, I feel so alive.I have all this fuckin' energy."
1066 00:57:25 How long does that take, you know?
1067 00:57:27 I drink a milk shake once a week,that's my big fucking thing.
1068 00:57:30 Have a root beer float, oh, it's just sad.
1069 00:57:33 It's just a sad thing,
1070 00:57:34 like watching an old athletethat can't run anymore.
1071 00:57:42 "I used to day drink, man, it was great."
1072 00:57:45 So…
1073 00:57:47 Anyway, um…
1074 00:57:49 By the way, I haven't even mentionedhow blown away I am
1075 00:57:51 that I'm playing in this place.
1076 00:57:53 This is absolutely great.
1077 00:57:54 [audience cheering]
1078 00:57:56 Yeah.
1079 00:58:02 It's hilarious. You stay up herefor like an hour with this wind,
1080 00:58:05 your fuckin' lips get all chapped.
1081 00:58:07 It's like you're standingon the front of a boat.
1082 00:58:11 So, anyway, let's endwith a couple of silly ones here.
1083 00:58:15 We'll be on our way, right?
1084 00:58:17 Let's see what I did.All right, I'm doing good here.
1085 00:58:20 All right, so, here's a good one for you.
1086 00:58:22 A couple of years ago,
1087 00:58:24 before all this stupid fuckin'pandemic shit started,
1088 00:58:28 Mother Nature's half-assed attempt
1089 00:58:30 to get rid of the amount of peopleshe needs to get rid of,
1090 00:58:32 you know, just procrastinating,treating it like a term paper.
1091 00:58:36 Um…
1092 00:58:38 I was in New York, I had an acting gig.I was playing a fireman.
1093 00:58:42 All right, now,I'm not the best actor, right?
1094 00:58:46 Some of you saw it.
1095 00:58:47 I hope you paid for it,you cheap bastards.
1096 00:58:50 You all watched it for free, you bastards.
1097 00:58:53 So, anyways, I'm not the best actor,so I have to look the part,
1098 00:58:56 so I grew this giant fireman mustache,big stupid fireman mustache,
1099 00:59:00 which looked great when I was wearingthe whole fireman getup,
1100 00:59:04 and they put the fake dirt on my face.
1101 00:59:06 I looked like I'd beenfighting fires for 20 years, right?
1102 00:59:09 However, the secondI took off the costume
1103 00:59:12 and they cleaned off my faceand I put on my regular clothes,
1104 00:59:15 I immediately just lookedlike some sad old queen
1105 00:59:18 that never found love, right?
1106 00:59:22 And as luck would have it,I was in New York City in June,
1107 00:59:27 which I quickly found outwas Gay Pride Month.
1108 00:59:31 The whole month.
1109 00:59:33 And let me tell you something,the gay guys show up strong.
1110 00:59:37 It is wall-to-wall, the fuckin' islandis almost tipping over,
1111 00:59:41 there's so many of them.
1112 00:59:42 And I'm sitting there going,"Oh, my God."
1113 00:59:45 Thirty days of this shit.
1114 00:59:47 I'm walking around with this orange
1115 00:59:48 Freddie Mercury fuckin' dick broomon my face.
1116 00:59:53 I am gonna be getting harassedup and down the street.
1117 00:59:56 I was in actor shape, man,I was fuckin' shredded.
1118 01:00:03 I gotta tell you something, man,when I tell you 30 days of June,
1119 01:00:08 not one gay guyeven fuckin' looked at me.
1120 01:00:13 Forget about even hit on me.
1121 01:00:15 I have never felt so oldand undesirable in my life.
1122 01:00:21 Dude, I'm gonna tell you something,there's one thing as a man
1123 01:00:24 when you get so oldthat women don't look at you anymore.
1124 01:00:27 Like, you know you're gonna hit that age,you know that day's coming,
1125 01:00:30 but nobody tells you, at some point,you're gonna get so old,
1126 01:00:33 not even a man wants to fuck you, right?
1127 01:00:37 Dude, that is a statement.
1128 01:00:38 When you get so old,some queen in his sixties is,
1129 01:00:42 "Keep it movin',I can do better than that."
1130 01:00:44 "Jesus Christ."
1131 01:00:45 "Get some fuckin' hair plugs or something.Get a spray tan."
1132 01:00:48 "I can get someone in his forties.Come on, keep going."
1133 01:00:52 Dude, I was havingthis fuckin' panic attack.
1134 01:00:55 I was thinking like, "Oh, my God,I waited too long to get married."
1135 01:00:58 "I had kids too late,I'm gonna die soon."
1136 01:01:00 I was literally wrapping upmy life, you know?
1137 01:01:03 So I'm walking down like Ninth Avenue,putting a little swish in my fuckin' step,
1138 01:01:07 just tryin' to get something.
1139 01:01:09 I was desperate.
1140 01:01:10 Fuck you, ladies, you've been there.You know how it is.
1141 01:01:13 You wanna think you gotone more in ya, you know?
1142 01:01:17 So I'm tra-la-la-ing down the street.
1143 01:01:24 I really wish that wasn't the truth.
1144 01:01:26 So I'm going down Ninth Avenue,and all of the sudden I looked up,
1145 01:01:30 and about two blocks away,I see this lesbian coming up the block.
1146 01:01:33 Okay? Now, I knowthis is Boulder, Colorado, right?
1147 01:01:36 So you guys are all like,"Fuckin', hey, man, you know?"
1148 01:01:41 Like, "How did you, like,know she was a lesbian, man?"
1149 01:01:45 "Like, that's not cool."
1150 01:01:46 "You just looked at her andyou just knew she was a lesbian?"
1151 01:01:49 "You don't know her, how did you just…"
1152 01:01:52 "How do you just knowsomebody's a lesbian?"
1153 01:01:55 Easy.
1154 01:01:58 The same way you do.
1155 01:02:03 The same way other lesbians do.
1156 01:02:06 It's not calculus.
1157 01:02:09 No, but I understand in 2021,you're not allowed to say
1158 01:02:13 you know"what a lesbian looks like," right?
1159 01:02:16 Judging by your silence, yes, right?
1160 01:02:20 Yeah, you're not allowed, right?
1161 01:02:21 What's funny, if some white kidcame in here, like 20 years old,
1162 01:02:25 hair slicked back, collar popped,loafers, no socks,
1163 01:02:28 you'd be looking at him thinking,"All right, frat boy, date rapist."
1164 01:02:31 "His dad's a judge.He's not going to jail."
1165 01:02:34 "Yeah. Just killed five peoplein a drinking-and-driving accident."
1166 01:02:37 "Already has a newDodge Challenger on the way."
1167 01:02:40 Right?
1168 01:02:42 Yeah, you're allowed to see that,that you can see.
1169 01:02:46 Clear as day.
1170 01:02:49 Lesbian.
1171 01:02:52 I have no idea.
1172 01:02:55 No, but that's how progressiveyou guys are.
1173 01:02:58 Right?
1174 01:03:00 You don't have any idea.
1175 01:03:03 Right?
1176 01:03:04 Like, let's play a game.
1177 01:03:06 I'll just name different people you see
1178 01:03:10 and see the slidesthat come into your head, right?
1179 01:03:14 Construction worker.
1180 01:03:16 Sports fan.
1181 01:03:19 Painter.
1182 01:03:21 Skateboarder.
1183 01:03:23 Lesbian.
1184 01:03:25 Right? It all goes blank.
1185 01:03:28 Is that a lesbian?
1186 01:03:30 Am I a…?
1187 01:03:34 I mean, I have gay friends,but I've never noticed
1188 01:03:37 any sort of a throughline.
1189 01:03:40 Listen, people, I'm not sayingall lesbians look alike.
1190 01:03:43 I would never saysome ignorant shit like that.
1191 01:03:46 However, I am saying, though,
1192 01:03:49 every once in a while,there's a fucking layup.
1193 01:03:52 Right?
1194 01:03:54 Flattop, wallet chain,fuckin' walking up the street.
1195 01:03:59 Right?
1196 01:04:01 But even then, I'm not saying 100%.
1197 01:04:05 But gun to my head, I gotta go lesbian.
1198 01:04:09 Gotta go lesbian.
1199 01:04:10 Final answer, final answer,show me "lesbian."
1200 01:04:13 Right?
1201 01:04:16 So, anyway…
1202 01:04:18 She's fuckin' walkin' up the street.
1203 01:04:22 I'm comin' down, right?
1204 01:04:25 And it's clear to me
1205 01:04:29 that if we keep walking the way we'rewalking, we're gonna bump into each other.
1206 01:04:32 I don't wanna bump into a woman,
1207 01:04:34 I don't want to bumpinto anybody in New York,
1208 01:04:37 so I do the gentlemanly thing.
1209 01:04:38 I clock what's going on,
1210 01:04:40 so I just graduallyshift over into my lane.
1211 01:04:43 Now everything's fine, right?But then the weirdest thing happened.
1212 01:04:46 We walk like another 30 yards,and all of the sudden,
1213 01:04:49 she drifts back into my lane again.
1214 01:04:51 And I'm sitting there walking like,"Wow, that was kind of crazy."
1215 01:04:56 "Thought I solved this problem."
1216 01:04:58 All right, so I fuckin' dipinto another lane again.
1217 01:05:01 Okay, I'm walking, we go another 30 yards,she comes back into my lane again.
1218 01:05:06 So now I'm up against the curb.
1219 01:05:08 So now I'm thinking, how do I dothe politically correct math here?
1220 01:05:12 What am I supposed to be doing here?
1221 01:05:13 Am I supposed to step offinto the bike lane
1222 01:05:17 and have some young kidon his electric bicycle come by,
1223 01:05:21 forty miles an hour, run me over,
1224 01:05:23 I go down to the pavement,knees and elbows?
1225 01:05:25 And for the rest of my life,every time it rains,
1226 01:05:27 I gotta think about this lesbianthat walked me off the fuckin' block?
1227 01:05:31 Is that what I'm supposed to do?
1228 01:05:33 Am I supposed to give upthe whole sidewalk?
1229 01:05:35 Like, "Oh, your gayness!"
1230 01:05:38 Right?
1231 01:05:41 Or do I stiffen up my shoulder
1232 01:05:46 and protect my lane?
1233 01:05:47 Right?
1234 01:05:49 Now, I'm not proud of this,but I chose the latter, all right?
1235 01:05:54 I was like, "Look, I'm 53."
1236 01:05:58 "I moved twice. I have an AARP card.I'm the fuckin' victim here."
1237 01:06:02 So…
1238 01:06:03 I stiffen up the shoulder and immediatelyI'm thinking this is gonna get crazy.
1239 01:06:08 I've never done this with a female before.
1240 01:06:10 This is in public, people are gonnasee this shit, what's gonna happen?
1241 01:06:13 But I'm not going to lie,she started closing in, she was moving,
1242 01:06:16 so I like leaned in,like I really got my legs underneath me,
1243 01:06:20 'cause she was built like a janitorand I was not gonna get spun around.
1244 01:06:23 I wasn't gettin' spun around.
1245 01:06:25 Not having thaton the fuckin' logbook, right?
1246 01:06:27 So I lean into this shit,and at the last second,
1247 01:06:30 she turned her shoulderand we just missed shoulders,
1248 01:06:33 but our forearms still slapped together
1249 01:06:35 with significant enough forcethat it warranted a turnaround.
1250 01:06:41 Okay? Now, I know most of you guys drive,
1251 01:06:43 so I will break down pedestrian etiquettereally quickly in New York City.
1252 01:06:48 This is the deal, if you're walkingdown the street in New York,
1253 01:06:51 you're walking and you just sort ofbrush sleeves with somebody,
1254 01:06:53 you don't have to stop.
1255 01:06:55 Just look over your shoulder,"Sorry, man, my bad, have a nice day."
1256 01:06:57 Right? Then there's the next level.Moves up a little bit.
1257 01:07:01 You're walking down the street,you actually bump into somebody,
1258 01:07:04 you actually have to turn around,"Sorry, I didn't see you."
1259 01:07:06 A little dojo bow, "My bad."
1260 01:07:09 Whatever you have to do… "My sensei"…
1261 01:07:11 to keep it from escalating.
1262 01:07:14 And then there's the last one.
1263 01:07:16 You're just walking down the streetand you hit so fuckin' hard,
1264 01:07:19 you gotta turn around and go likeold-school Dustin Hoffman-De Niro,
1265 01:07:23 like, "Hey, I'm fuckin' walkin' here!Huh?"
1266 01:07:26 "I fuckin' moved twice,you didn't see that?"
1267 01:07:28 "You drifted two times, huh?"
1268 01:07:31 So I turn aroundto have this confrontation,
1269 01:07:34 and let me tell you something,she never looked back.
1270 01:07:40 And I'm not gonna lie to you,that bugged me.
1271 01:07:44 That bugged me for like three days.
1272 01:07:49 Three days, I'm just walkingaround New York,
1273 01:07:51 "Goddamn fuckin' bullshit,
1274 01:07:52 there's no fuckin' wayyou didn't do that on purpose!"
1275 01:07:55 "Who does that, who drifts?" You know?
1276 01:07:57 And I'm feeling this anger,it's just burning me up,
1277 01:08:00 and I know eventuallyit's gonna settle in my chest,
1278 01:08:03 and then one more time it's gonna be,"I sorry, Dada, I sorry."
1279 01:08:06 It's like I can't do this to my daughter,I can't do this to my kids.
1280 01:08:09 So I started reading up on anger.
1281 01:08:12 Like, "how to let go of this,"I think is what I Googled.
1282 01:08:16 And I found empathy.
1283 01:08:18 If you have empathy for somebody,you put yourself in their shoes,
1284 01:08:21 you can just, you know, figure out
1285 01:08:24 where they're coming from, whereyou're coming from, meet in the middle,
1286 01:08:27 so I said, here we go,let me put myself in her shoes.
1287 01:08:30 What would cause somebody to accidentallydrift into your lane twice?
1288 01:08:35 You know, so I just startedthrowing shit on the wall.
1289 01:08:37 Did she have a clubfoot? No.
1290 01:08:40 Did she just have a stroke?
1291 01:08:41 Did she have Bell's palsyof her left side? You know?
1292 01:08:45 Was she a mummy?Did she have a wooden leg?
1293 01:08:48 You know? Is she oneof those fuckin' diagonal walkers?
1294 01:08:51 You get behind them at the airport,they're walkin' too slow,
1295 01:08:54 you go around to the right, they startdragging their suitcase over there.
1296 01:08:57 You go over to the left,they're coming back this way, you know?
1297 01:09:00 It's like they just got off a ship.
1298 01:09:02 And everything was just like,no, no, no, cut! Right?
1299 01:09:06 And I was still mad.
1300 01:09:07 I was still fuckin' mad.
1301 01:09:11 So I said, "Who gives a shit?I don't give a fuck."
1302 01:09:14 Lied to myself,said I didn't give a fuck, you know?
1303 01:09:17 So then I ended up going home.
1304 01:09:19 Then I'm washing the dishes,which is a very Zen-like thing to do.
1305 01:09:22 It's a week later, you wash dishes,you're not thinking of anything.
1306 01:09:25 Your brain is empty,I'm washing the dishes,
1307 01:09:28 and then all of the sudden,the answer just came to me.
1308 01:09:31 It just floated into my head,and I just looked up.
1309 01:09:34 I was like, "Oh, my God.I know why she did it."
1310 01:09:39 I know why she bumped into me.
1311 01:09:43 She bumped into mebecause she's a lesbian.
1312 01:09:55 It was right there.
1313 01:09:57 I was, like, looking nine miles downthe street, looking under shrubs.
1314 01:09:59 It was right in front of my face.
1315 01:10:01 She did it because she's a lesbian.
1316 01:10:08 All right, so judgingby most of your silence,
1317 01:10:12 I will do this math for you, come on.
1318 01:10:16 Let's have a little empathy here.
1319 01:10:18 Put yourself in a lesbian's shoes,all right?
1320 01:10:23 Who do lesbians date?
1321 01:10:24 Women.
1322 01:10:27 Who do they move in with? Women.
1323 01:10:30 Who do they get in relationships with?Women.
1324 01:10:32 Who do they eventually marry? Women.
1325 01:10:34 And I was thinking like,"Oh, my God. I did that."
1326 01:10:38 I know what the fuck that's like.
1327 01:10:40 I know what it's like to livewith one of those fuckin' things.
1328 01:10:44 I know exactly what that-- it's hopeless.
1329 01:10:47 Trying to make them happy.
1330 01:10:48 "Hey, I bought you this shiny thing.Did I do it right, huh?"
1331 01:10:51 Trying to get themto take responsibility for their actions.
1332 01:10:55 Not gonna happen.
1333 01:10:57 The best you're gonna get is,"I'm sorry, but…"
1334 01:11:01 I know what it's like to be winninga fuckin' argument, you're winning,
1335 01:11:04 and then they turn it around,they're crying, you're apologizing.
1336 01:11:07 You're thinking,what the fuck just happened?
1337 01:11:09 How am I losing this shit?I had you on the ropes.
1338 01:11:12 You feel so dumb,you got to go for a walk.
1339 01:11:14 And you're just thinking,
1340 01:11:16 how did I lose again?
1341 01:11:18 How did I lose again?
1342 01:11:19 And then you figure it out,it makes you feel stupid,
1343 01:11:23 and then you see some bald idiotwith a giant orange mustache,
1344 01:11:26 you're like, "You know what,why don't you take some of that shit?"
1345 01:11:31 "You take some of that fuckin' anger."
1346 01:11:33 Yeah.
1347 01:11:37 I feel so stupidthat I got mad at that woman.
1348 01:11:41 I shouldn't have got mad at her,I should have bought her a beer.
1349 01:11:44 And just listen to her troublesand had empathy
1350 01:11:47 and be like, "It's not your fault.You married a woman, I did it too."
1351 01:11:50 "You're not gonna win.There's no winning this."
1352 01:11:54 Yeah. I'm telling you, if you don'tbelieve me, do a little people-watching.
1353 01:11:59 Take a look at the lookon the average lesbian's face.
1354 01:12:02 I don't mean a lesbian in her twenties,she's got her life ahead of her,
1355 01:12:05 she's got Christmas in her eyes, right?
1356 01:12:07 I mean, a lesbian about 35, 36,
1357 01:12:12 starting to settle into what the deal's gonna be, right?
1358 01:12:16 And then look across the bar,find a married guy about the same age.
1359 01:12:20 Look at the look on his face.
1360 01:12:22 Look at the look on her face,go back to his face.
1361 01:12:25 It's the same fuckin' look.
1362 01:12:28 Yeah. And then look at gay guys.
1363 01:12:30 Some of the happiest peopleI've ever met in my life.
1364 01:12:34 They're almost too happy.It's like, "Hey, how's it going?"
1365 01:12:37 They're like, "Hi!"
1366 01:12:39 Almost floating across the room
1367 01:12:41 with that lack of estrogenjust yanking down your fuckin' dreams.
1368 01:12:48 No.
1369 01:12:49 Now, look, it might be a front.
1370 01:12:52 I'm not saying all gay guysare just blissfully happy,
1371 01:12:56 but it's looking likea pretty good time to me.
1372 01:13:00 Dude, they're some of the most positivepeople I've ever met in my life.
1373 01:13:04 Any idea you have, they support it.
1374 01:13:06 They're just like, "Yes, yes, queen, yes!"
1375 01:13:09 "You're fierce, you can do it!"
1376 01:13:12 Lesbians are up in the barlike a bunch of jaded cops.
1377 01:13:15 "It's all fuckin' bullshit."
1378 01:13:18 "What the fuck was I thinking?"
1379 01:13:19 "U-Hauling after ten days, moving in.What the fuck was I thinking?"
1380 01:13:24 "She's crazy!"
1381 01:13:28 No, I'm telling you,I think married men and lesbians
1382 01:13:32 need to start hanging out more,
1383 01:13:34 and we gotta put our heads togetherand try to solve our common problem,
1384 01:13:38 the women in our lives.
1385 01:13:39 So we can somehow attainthe perceived happiness
1386 01:13:42 of the average gay dude out there.
1387 01:13:45 Yeah. So, if you believe in that shit,I'll give you some advice.
1388 01:13:50 If you're gonna expandyour fuckin' world of friends,
1389 01:13:53 I'll give you some advice.
1390 01:13:55 You can't just hang out with any lesbian.
1391 01:13:58 All right? You gotta make sureyou're hanging out with the dude
1392 01:14:01 in the relationship, right?
1393 01:14:03 And by "dude," I'm not saying she's manly,I'm not being ignorant.
1394 01:14:06 By "dude," I just mean she's the onethat gets blamed for most of the shit.
1395 01:14:11 Right?
1396 01:14:12 'Cause no relationship is balanced.
1397 01:14:14 Somebody is getting away with more.
1398 01:14:16 Somebody's drafting behind the other.It's like a bike race.
1399 01:14:20 Somebody else is takingthe fuckin' weather in the face.
1400 01:14:23 [imitates fanfare]
1401 01:14:24 Right?
1402 01:14:25 Somebody else is fuckin' right behind.
1403 01:14:27 "Oh, yeah, it really is wet."
1404 01:14:29 Just kind of hidingunder your fuckin' poncho.
1405 01:14:32 Male-female, female-female, they-they,whatever the fuck it is you're into.
1406 01:14:36 Every relationship, there's the personthat does the dishes
1407 01:14:39 and the person that lets them soak.
1408 01:14:41 Right?
1409 01:14:44 They don't let them soak.They know you're gonna do 'em.
1410 01:14:47 They're just waitin' you out.
1411 01:14:49 After a while,you can't fuckin' take it anymore.
1412 01:14:51 They're just sitting there.You gotta go start doing them.
1413 01:14:54 Then what do they do?
1414 01:14:55 They sit in the other room and wait,like they don't know what you're doing,
1415 01:14:57 and wait till they hear pots and pans,and that's when the show starts.
1416 01:15:01 That's when they comerunning in like, "What?"
1417 01:15:04 "I was gonna do those!"
1418 01:15:07 And you're like, "No, you weren't.They've been sitting here eight hours."
1419 01:15:10 "I got my hands in room-temperature waterwith scrambled eggs floating around."
1420 01:15:14 "Don't gaslight me,you're a fuckin' animal."
1421 01:15:16 "You were raised by animals,get out of my sight."
1422 01:15:20 "Don't yell at me!" Right?
1423 01:15:24 Yes.
1424 01:15:25 Every relationship has the person
1425 01:15:27 that will take the trash bagout of the trash barrel
1426 01:15:31 and do a little…
1427 01:15:33 Tie it off and then leave itslumped against the counter.
1428 01:15:36 Like it took two behind the earin a mob hit, just…
1429 01:15:40 And then there's the personthat actually picks it up
1430 01:15:44 and takes it out to the curb at nightand puts it in the trash can, right?
1431 01:15:49 My wife's hilarious, I love her,
1432 01:15:51 but she's got someof the worst excuses ever.
1433 01:15:53 "Why don't you ever take out the trash?"
1434 01:15:55 She goes, "I would,I'm just afraid of coyotes."
1435 01:16:00 "I'm afraid of the coyotes."
1436 01:16:01 It's like, "So am I! So am I!"
1437 01:16:05 "They're rabid dogs."
1438 01:16:06 "They hunt in packs of twos and threes."
1439 01:16:13 "You don't do it'cause you don't wanna do it
1440 01:16:15 'cause you know I'm gonna do it,just get the fuck away from me, please."
1441 01:16:19 I'm telling you…
1442 01:16:21 So, anyway…
1443 01:16:24 I know I saida lot of divisive shit here tonight,
1444 01:16:27 so before I get out of here,before I get out of here,
1445 01:16:30 I want to…
1446 01:16:33 Let's bring the room together.
1447 01:16:36 It's a very divisive time.
1448 01:16:39 Everyone wants to feel safe.
1449 01:16:40 Let's do a nice, normal, mainstream topic,
1450 01:16:44 so everybody can drive home happy,no fights, all right?
1451 01:16:47 Sound good? All right, great.
1452 01:16:48 Let's talk abortion. There you go.
1453 01:16:52 Everybody has an opinion.
1454 01:16:56 "It's my body, it's my right."
1455 01:16:57 "Well, then fuckin' driveto Arkansas, bitch!"
1456 01:17:00 Right? Everybody has an opinion.
1457 01:17:04 As do I, and I apologizethat you're gonna have to listen to mine.
1458 01:17:09 Because… I'm gonna tell you right now.
1459 01:17:12 I have a really weird take on abortion.
1460 01:17:16 I'm gonna tell you thatright from the get-go, okay?
1461 01:17:18 I'm 100% pro-choice, always have been.
1462 01:17:22 -[women cheering]-Ladies, I said it was weird.
1463 01:17:25 For the love of God.Stop getting in the trunk in the car.
1464 01:17:30 Wait till the end.
1465 01:17:31 You're supposed to vet me first.
1466 01:17:35 Whoo! Fuckin' feet out the sunroof.
1467 01:17:40 I said I had a weird take.
1468 01:17:46 Pro-choice always made sense to me
1469 01:17:48 'cause I don't like peopletelling me what to do,
1470 01:17:50 and I was just like, it's your body.
1471 01:17:52 Who the fuck am I to tell youwhat to do with your body?
1472 01:17:55 So that always made sense. All right?
1473 01:17:58 However, I still thinkyou're killing a baby.
1474 01:18:02 See? That's where it gets weird.
1475 01:18:05 Like, I sit on the fenceand the whole thing makes sense to me.
1476 01:18:08 When anybody's saying, like,"Don't tell me what to do."
1477 01:18:11 "It's my body, my choice."
1478 01:18:13 That's right, man, she's right.Leave her the hell alone.
1479 01:18:15 "Well, you're killin' a baby!"
1480 01:18:17 Well, I mean, there is that. You know?
1481 01:18:22 If we're gonna be honest,
1482 01:18:23 that is the whole purposeof the procedure.
1483 01:18:26 You're not going in there'cause you got an earache.
1484 01:18:30 You're going in there'cause "I got a baby in me,
1485 01:18:32 get it the fuck out of there!"
1486 01:18:34 Right? You walk in with the baby,you come out without one.
1487 01:18:38 What happened to the baby, right?
1488 01:18:42 Something fuckin' happened. So…
1489 01:18:45 Pro-choice people like,"Well, it's not a life yet."
1490 01:18:47 "It's not a baby yet if--"I don't know what they say.
1491 01:18:49 "Before you do it the first Thursdayor the last Tuesday
1492 01:18:52 and you spin around one time."
1493 01:18:54 They dance between the right trucks.
1494 01:18:57 "It's not a baby yet,"that's what they say,
1495 01:18:59 which may or may not be true.
1496 01:19:01 I don't know, I'm not a doctor,
1497 01:19:03 but I'll tell you, my gut tells methat doesn't make sense.
1498 01:19:07 It's not a baby yet.
1499 01:19:08 That would be like if I was making a cakeand I poured some batter in a pan
1500 01:19:12 and I put it in the oven,and then five minutes later you came by
1501 01:19:15 and you grabbed the pan,you threw it across the floor.
1502 01:19:19 And I went, "What the fuck?!You just ruined my birthday cake."
1503 01:19:22 And then you're like,"Well, that wasn't a cake yet."
1504 01:19:25 It's like, "Well, it would have been."
1505 01:19:29 "If you didn't do what you just did,
1506 01:19:31 there would have been a cakein 50 minutes."
1507 01:19:34 "Something happened to that cake,you cake-murdering son of a bitch!"
1508 01:19:37 Right?
1509 01:19:38 Now, before all you pro-life peopleget excited,
1510 01:19:42 I think it's greatyou're killing your babies.
1511 01:19:47 It's fantastic.
1512 01:19:49 Help Mother Nature out.There's too many of us.
1513 01:19:53 It's been 130 degrees out.Animals are going extinct.
1514 01:19:59 There's plastic in the fuckin' ocean.
1515 01:20:03 We don't need any more fuckin' people.
1516 01:20:06 And especially,if you're honest with yourself,
1517 01:20:09 have you done anything greatwith your life?
1518 01:20:16 Is the person you're bangingdoing anything great?
1519 01:20:19 The answer to bothof those questions is no,
1520 01:20:22 what are the oddsyou're gonna make a great person?
1521 01:20:26 I'm not sayingyou're gonna make a bad person,
1522 01:20:28 you're just gonna make another personthat doesn't go when the light turns green
1523 01:20:33 'cause they're staringat their fuckin' phone.
1524 01:20:36 All right, I'm out of time.You guys were awesome.
1525 01:20:38 Thank you so much.Thank you, thank you.
1526 01:20:42 This was amazing.
1527 01:20:45 [cheering, whistling]
1528 01:20:49 Thanks again.Thank you for coming out, everybody.
1529 01:20:51 I really appreciate it, good night.
1530 01:20:58 [emcee] Bill Burr!
1531 01:21:01 [audience cheering]
1532 01:21:36 [cheering fades]
