老爸当家 (Daddy s Home)(CN/EN)Subtitles

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1 00:00:50 Here's a question for you.
2 00:00:52 What do kids need more? A father or a dad?
3 00:00:56 What's the difference?
4 00:00:58 The way I see it, darn nearanyone can be a father
5 00:01:01 but not everyone has the patienceor the devotion to be a dad.
6 00:01:04 As for me...
7 00:01:05 Anybody caught a Monarch yet?
8 00:01:07 ...I've always wanted to be a dad.
9 00:01:09 Let me tell you, I love it!
10 00:01:11 Yeah!
11 00:01:14 And I love my Ford Flex.
12 00:01:16 It treats me to a smooth ride,and you know what?
13 00:01:18 It didn't break the bank.
14 00:01:20 Room enough for the whole family.
15 00:01:22 Yes, I love being a dad.
16 00:01:25 And I love these two adorablelittle rays of sunshine.
17 00:01:31 Hey, Dylan! Good morning.
18 00:01:32 Whatever.
19 00:01:34 Okay. I'm not their real dad.
20 00:01:37 Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.
21 00:01:38 - I'm their stepdad.- Good morning, Megan.
22 00:01:40 Can you please put this on the fridge?
23 00:01:42 Well, sure. Did you doanother drawing of our family?
24 00:01:48 That's me and Dylan and Mommy.
25 00:01:51 So great.
26 00:01:52 And over here, far, far away,
27 00:01:56 is you.
28 00:01:58 And am I wearing a baseball cap?
29 00:02:00 That's the knife in your head'cause I was killing you in the eye.
30 00:02:04 I see.
31 00:02:05 Well, I love how you drew my hair.
32 00:02:08 That's poop.
33 00:02:09 Well, it's well-drawn.And I'm guessing it's dog poop?
34 00:02:12 That's homeless man poop.
35 00:02:16 All right.
36 00:02:18 I actually can't father my own children,
37 00:02:20 ever since I hit a littlesnafu at a dental office.
38 00:02:23 I've got a little bit of a gag reflex.
39 00:02:26 Close your eyes, breathe throughyour nose, you'll be fine.
40 00:02:28 Okay.
41 00:02:36 You got a really weird tongue.You need to floss better.
42 00:02:39 Ever since then, my testicles have beenmore decorative than anything else.
43 00:02:43 Hey!
44 00:02:44 And I thought I'd never have a family.
45 00:02:46 Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.
46 00:02:51 Would you look at her?
47 00:02:52 I am one lucky so-and-so.I hit the jackpot.
48 00:02:56 - Hi.- Hi.
49 00:02:57 Sorry I'm taking so long.
50 00:02:59 I have to show that Sixty Westbuilding to those new clients.
51 00:03:01 I know.
52 00:03:02 - Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.- Already packed. I wrote them
53 00:03:05 little inspirational notesto start them on their day.
54 00:03:07 They've already eaten their breakfasts,and you look perfect.
55 00:03:10 You are amazing.
56 00:03:13 Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.
57 00:03:16 No. I am so sorry.
58 00:03:18 No, I think you're misunderstanding.This is the first drawing
59 00:03:20 where I'm not dead already.
60 00:03:23 Sure, I've got a knife in my eyeand some homeless man poop on my head,
61 00:03:27 but this is showing real progress.
62 00:03:30 I think she's starting to accept me.
63 00:03:32 You can find the goodin just about anything.
64 00:03:34 I love that about you. You know that?
65 00:03:37 Thanks.
66 00:04:25 Hello. I'm home.
67 00:04:29 Hey.
68 00:04:30 How was the...
69 00:04:34 What's wrong?
70 00:04:35 He won't talk to me.He said he only wants to talk to you.
71 00:04:39 You want to talk to me?
72 00:04:40 Really?
73 00:04:42 You mean me and your mom?
74 00:04:44 Just me? By myself?
75 00:04:45 Sure. I'm...
76 00:04:48 I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.We'll sit there.
77 00:04:51 We'll sit.We can do it sitting or standing?
78 00:04:54 Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.
79 00:04:56 We're not gonna overthink it.Yeah. Great. Okay, good.
80 00:04:59 Just the men, yeah.A little rap session. Great.
81 00:05:04 Oh, my God.
82 00:05:07 I just want you to know thatI'm just here to listen. All right?
83 00:05:11 No judgments, no lectures,just a compassionate ear.
84 00:05:15 Well, there are these kids at school...
85 00:05:18 ...and they're bigger than me,because they're fourth graders.
86 00:05:21 And...
87 00:05:24 Was that weird?
88 00:05:26 I'm sorry, I'm just...
89 00:05:28 It's a big moment for me,and I'm just trying to capture it.
90 00:05:31 It just came off awkward.
91 00:05:33 So, go ahead, continue tellingyour story. Fourth graders.
92 00:05:37 Anyway, there arethese fourth graders, and...
93 00:05:39 He actually confided in me.
94 00:05:41 I mean, it was that father-son feelingI've been dying for,
95 00:05:44 and it was even better thanI thought it was gonna be.
96 00:05:48 I mean, he really needed me. Me.
97 00:05:50 That is so great, honey.
98 00:05:51 He even said not to tell you.
99 00:05:52 So I'm actually totallybetraying his trust right now.
100 00:05:56 What are we gonna do aboutthose little snot-nosed fourth graders?
101 00:05:58 I think it's going to be fine.
102 00:06:00 He's going to try to do sometrust falls on the playground.
103 00:06:04 Really? You think that's gonna work?
104 00:06:05 As long as they catch him. Yeah.
105 00:06:08 Hey, Brad.
106 00:06:09 Yeah?
107 00:06:10 If I ask you something, youpromise you won't cry again?
108 00:06:14 Of course, sweetie. What is it?
109 00:06:15 Well, at school,they told us about this thing,
110 00:06:18 and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
111 00:06:22 So, do you want to go with me?
112 00:06:25 You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.
113 00:06:27 I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.
114 00:06:31 I thought big peopleweren't supposed to cry.
115 00:06:33 I think it's sweet that he'scrying like a little bitch.
116 00:06:36 Megan!
117 00:06:37 You are not supposedto call people that word.
118 00:06:39 You know what? It takes a realman to show his emotions.
119 00:06:45 All right, that's a bit much.
120 00:06:47 No more rhymes now, I mean it!
121 00:06:50 Anybody want a peanut?
122 00:06:54 We were finally becoming a family.
123 00:06:57 I'll get it!
124 00:06:58 After being pushed awayand treated like an outsider,
125 00:07:01 I was finally becomingthe dad that I always knew I could...
126 00:07:04 Daddy!
127 00:07:06 Hi! Where are you?
128 00:07:08 Where's Cameroon?
129 00:07:10 Is that gunfire? Cool!
130 00:07:12 Daddy, Daddy! I want to talk to Daddy.
131 00:07:15 Hi, Daddy.
132 00:07:17 Good.
133 00:07:18 - So your ex is calling, huh?- Yeah.
134 00:07:20 What a treat for the kids.It's been a long time.
135 00:07:23 - Yeah.- Yeah.
136 00:07:24 We're watching a really funnymovie with Mommy and Brad.
137 00:07:28 Brad is Mommy's new husband.
138 00:07:29 Wait. He doesn't know about me?
139 00:07:31 Well, I haven't talked to himin six months.
140 00:07:34 We've been married eight months.
141 00:07:36 Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.
142 00:07:38 - No! No, no. Don't, don't...- I'm just going to say hi.
143 00:07:40 You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.
144 00:07:41 Thank you, sweetie.
145 00:07:44 Hello, Dusty?Super to make your acquaintance.
146 00:07:47 In fact, I just wish I could shake yourhand and offer to buy you a cold one.
147 00:07:52 - Tomorrow?- What?
148 00:07:53 Daddy's coming! Yay!
149 00:07:56 Yeah, I guess I could pick you up.
150 00:07:58 No.
151 00:07:59 It's Whitaker.
152 00:08:01 W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R.
153 00:08:06 No, I'm not comfortable giving youmy Social Security number over the phone.
154 00:08:10 Okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.
155 00:08:13 I'm very proud of that.
156 00:08:14 I'm sorry? What sort of fighting stylesam I proficient in?
157 00:08:19 I don't know if I've ever beenasked that before.
158 00:08:20 Hello, Dusty, hello, hello?
159 00:08:24 I lost him.
160 00:08:25 What just happened?Did you just invite him to come here?
161 00:08:28 Is he coming tomorrow?
162 00:08:29 Well, I didn't knowhe'd accept my offer so soon.
163 00:08:31 I mean, he really jumped at it.
164 00:08:33 Remember when I saidhe was like Jesse James
165 00:08:36 and Mick Jagger had a baby?
166 00:08:37 Yeah, I just thought maybehe was really skinny and
167 00:08:40 jittery, and had like a little bitof a British accent, or something.
168 00:08:44 He's wild and he's crazy.That's why I fell in love with him.
169 00:08:47 Then you end up with two kids.
170 00:08:48 And I'm stuck there holding the bag andhe's nowhere to be found.
171 00:08:51 It doesn't matter how much love or passion,or you can't breathe without each other.
172 00:08:54 All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.
173 00:08:57 When you have kids,you have responsibilities.
174 00:08:58 He doesn't understand that.
175 00:08:59 Honey, this is actually a good thing.
176 00:09:01 I'll welcome Dusty into our home,
177 00:09:03 and we'll establish some kindbut firm boundaries.
178 00:09:06 All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdadcalls "setting up a Loving Fence."
179 00:09:10 A Loving Fence?Wow, that sounds really great, honey.
180 00:09:12 But your self-help bookshave never met Dusty Mayron.
181 00:09:15 He sounds like a rascal, but I don'tthink it's anything I can't handle.
182 00:09:25 Check. Check, check.
183 00:09:26 Chinese Checkers,Czech, Czech Republic, pop,
184 00:09:29 sibilance, sibilance, pop,one, two, six, seven,
185 00:09:33 check, check, check, check.
186 00:09:35 What do you got for me, Brad?
187 00:09:36 Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefullythe new voice of The Panda.
188 00:09:40 Listen.
189 00:09:41 I gotta leave early today. I gotta gopick up my wife's ex at the airport.
190 00:09:45 Jesus, kid, how'd youdraw that shit detail?
191 00:09:48 Brad, why do you wantthis deadbeat in your home?
192 00:09:50 Well, it's not that I want him in my home,
193 00:09:53 it's just that the betterstepparenting books
194 00:09:55 say that the worst thing you can dofor the kids is to push out the biological.
195 00:10:00 You're in the danger zone here,Brad, and let me tell you why.
196 00:10:03 Kids that grow up without their dadsalways end up obsessing over them.
197 00:10:07 Most of the hook-upsthat I've had in my adult life
198 00:10:09 have been with womenthat had daddy issues.
199 00:10:11 I don't know if this isan appropriate story.
200 00:10:13 Look, my wife would kill meif she knew I was telling you this.
201 00:10:15 Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.
202 00:10:17 When I met her in Denver...
203 00:10:18 You're going to tellthe story, aren't you?
204 00:10:20 ...she was a topless maid.
205 00:10:21 Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
206 00:10:23 Never met her father.But who did she meet? Me.
207 00:10:27 And who did treat her like shit? Me.
208 00:10:30 I eventually loved her,but every time she got out of line,
209 00:10:33 I'd just pull the Humvee overand ask her to get out politely.
210 00:10:37 And then I'd drive away.
211 00:10:39 Guess what?She showed up at home every time.
212 00:10:43 This story has no relevanceto my situation.
213 00:10:46 It doesn't at all. It's just a good story.
214 00:10:48 So, Pete, are we goingto hear this guy, or what?
215 00:10:53 One-oh-three-point-six
216 00:10:56 The Panda!
217 00:11:01 I'm sorry.
218 00:11:02 Keep it up, Brad.You and I will fight in the parking lot.
219 00:11:07 So today is the day I'm finallymeeting the father of my children.
220 00:11:11 Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.
221 00:11:14 But who wouldn't be?
222 00:11:17 And here's the thing.I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...
223 00:11:20 ...they see through things and,at the end of the day,
224 00:11:24 they know who's been around...
225 00:11:26 Holy balls!
226 00:11:32 I hope that's not him.
227 00:11:50 There is no doubt this manis your better in every way.
228 00:11:54 Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.
229 00:11:57 Yeah, I feel pretty good.
230 00:12:02 - Hey, you Dusty?- Nope.
231 00:12:04 What?
232 00:12:06 Are you sure?
233 00:12:12 Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.
234 00:12:17 You've got Jason Sinclair on The Panda,
235 00:12:19 the station everybodyin the office can agree on.
236 00:12:21 What is this?
237 00:12:22 Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,do yourself a favor and check out...
238 00:12:28 Hey! Where have you been?
239 00:12:31 I called you like 100 times.
240 00:12:32 I know, my phone died. Look...
241 00:12:35 This motorcycle, is this...
242 00:12:36 Yes. He's here.
243 00:12:37 - He's here?- Yes.
244 00:12:38 What's he doing inside there?
245 00:12:40 He's giving the kidsall kinds of Starbursts.
246 00:12:42 Starbursts? God damn it!
247 00:12:44 Sorry. Sorry.
248 00:12:47 I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.
249 00:12:50 I got a few bullet points I want tobring up with our friend Dusty,
250 00:12:53 starting with airport etiquette,courtesy and expectation.
251 00:12:57 Good story, Daddy!
252 00:12:59 You like that story? It's all true. Hey!
253 00:13:01 Who wants some more Starbursts anda couple of uncirculated silver dollars?
254 00:13:05 So you are Dusty.
255 00:13:21 I sure am. You must bethe new and improved husband.
256 00:13:24 Bring it in, big guns.
257 00:13:27 I already met you at the airport.
258 00:13:29 No, I don't recall that, friend.
259 00:13:30 Yeah, I walked right up to youand asked if you were Dusty.
260 00:13:32 I'm pretty sure I'd remembera heavy hitter like yourself.
261 00:13:35 Well, must have been my mistake.
262 00:13:37 All right, that was me at the airport.
263 00:13:39 - Yeah, I know that.- The truth is,
264 00:13:40 I saw you before you saw me,
265 00:13:42 and I'm thinking,"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"
266 00:13:44 "And damn it if he doesn'tlook like the real deal."
267 00:13:47 I mean, look at you.
268 00:13:48 You figured it out, didn't you?
269 00:13:49 You cracked the code.
270 00:13:50 I don't know about that.
271 00:13:52 Don't play that humble game with me.
272 00:13:54 He is so humble. He's just too humble.
273 00:13:57 Honey, you got it goin' on.Everybody says so.
274 00:14:00 Yeah, I got it goin' way on.
275 00:14:02 So you can understandwhy I panicked at the airport.
276 00:14:04 - I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.- It's fine.
277 00:14:07 Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.
278 00:14:09 They sure are, man. I mean,that is insightful.
279 00:14:12 You know, I thought it was weird Saradidn't tell me about you before.
280 00:14:14 I thought, what's she hiding?
281 00:14:16 And now I know.
282 00:14:18 A champion.
283 00:14:20 Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?
284 00:14:23 Isn't it cool?
285 00:14:24 It sure is.
286 00:14:26 What is that, an Indian?
287 00:14:28 Yep.
288 00:14:30 I believe they're manufacturedin Minneapolis.
289 00:14:33 I've never been, but that's the settingfor The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
290 00:14:37 And... What's the other... Rhoda.
291 00:14:40 Which I want to say was a spin-off.
292 00:14:44 Damn! You really knowyour bikes, Brad. You ride?
293 00:14:47 Yeah!
294 00:14:48 - Really?- Yeah.
295 00:14:49 I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,
296 00:14:52 back in college. I had a...
297 00:14:55 I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.
298 00:14:58 Yeah.
299 00:14:59 With the fenders and the...The broil joint. So...
300 00:15:03 Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!
301 00:15:04 Take her out, see what she can do.
302 00:15:06 She's got a lot of power.
303 00:15:07 No, no, no.
304 00:15:08 Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!
305 00:15:10 No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.
306 00:15:12 It's way past your bedtime.Let's brush your teeth.
307 00:15:14 All right, come on, guys,listen to your mom. Hey, look...
308 00:15:16 I don't want to overstep, but
309 00:15:19 it would mean the world to meif I could tuck in our two little blessings.
310 00:15:23 Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.They're your kids. Tuck away.
311 00:15:27 Thank you for that, Brad.
312 00:15:31 The King messed up. He messed up bad.
313 00:15:34 He thought he could justride off to slay dragons,
314 00:15:37 and his Queen would always bewaiting for him.
315 00:15:40 And then one day the King received wordthat his dominion was being ruled over
316 00:15:44 by some curly-headed Step Kingwith good credit?
317 00:15:46 No!
318 00:15:47 Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,and when he arrived,
319 00:15:50 he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,remembering their good times together,
320 00:15:54 for he had known her in her prime,when she was down for anything,
321 00:15:57 and I do mean anything.
322 00:16:00 Sounds like your dad's spinningquite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?
323 00:16:03 Actually, it's getting late.You two need to get some sack time.
324 00:16:05 No, we want more story, please!
325 00:16:07 Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,
326 00:16:11 no matter how arbitrary they seem.All right?
327 00:16:14 Good night, my little golden treasures.
328 00:16:19 Good night, my little magical cherubs.
329 00:16:22 Here comes some butterfly kisses.
330 00:16:24 And some Eskimo kisses.
331 00:16:26 Good night, buddy.Sleep tight. Sleep tight.
332 00:16:29 Hey, who wants good-night tickles?
333 00:16:31 Me!
334 00:16:32 Good night, my little breath of God.
335 00:16:35 Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.
336 00:16:36 I almost forgot, my famousgood-night back scratches.
337 00:16:40 So relaxing, so relaxing.
338 00:16:43 Good night, sweetie bear.
339 00:16:44 Hey, who wants twenty bucks?
340 00:16:46 - I do! Me!- Twenty dollars?
341 00:16:47 - What?- Yeah.
342 00:16:49 One for you, and one for you.
343 00:16:51 I don't know if that's appropriate.
344 00:16:52 Don't worry about it.
345 00:16:53 Okay. Good night.
346 00:16:56 So, if you want to, why don't youcome by tomorrow after school?
347 00:17:00 Might be a good time to...
348 00:17:01 What about the cold one?
349 00:17:02 The cold one?
350 00:17:03 You promised mea cold one and a handshake.
351 00:17:05 Cold one. One cold one, coming up.
352 00:17:07 Great. I'll grab my jacket,we'll go outside.
353 00:17:09 Perfect. All right.
354 00:17:11 Hey!
355 00:17:12 What are you doing?What are you guys buddies now?
356 00:17:15 No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.
357 00:17:17 I really should honorthe cold one promise.
358 00:17:20 Fine. You give him a cold one,and then you get rid of him, okay?
359 00:17:24 You put up your Loving Fence, remember?
360 00:17:26 - Then you come to bed.- Okay.
361 00:17:28 - Will do.- Okay.
362 00:17:33 What you got going on over here?
363 00:17:35 That's a treehouse. A little,
364 00:17:40 bonding project for Dylan and I.
365 00:17:43 Yeah, we've been at itfor about two months.
366 00:17:46 It's looking good.
367 00:17:47 Thank you.
368 00:17:48 So, Dusty, how long do you thinkyou're going to be in town for?
369 00:17:53 Well, Brad, the truth is,I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.
370 00:17:56 Time to get out there andkick some ass for America.
371 00:17:58 I see. So you're a soldier?
372 00:18:01 Nope.
373 00:18:02 So you're a...
374 00:18:03 Yep.
375 00:18:05 Yep, what?
376 00:18:06 You don't want to knowany more than that, Brad.
377 00:18:09 Okay.
378 00:18:12 Listen, Dusty, I think that we shouldset up a visitation schedule.
379 00:18:16 Right? That way, you feel likeyou have ample time with the children...
380 00:18:20 Why don't we cut the shit, Brad?
381 00:18:23 No, we don't have to cut the shit.
382 00:18:26 You want to know what I'm doing here,why don't you quit looking at
383 00:18:28 whatever you wrote on your hand?
384 00:18:30 Be a man and ask me, Brad.
385 00:18:33 Okay. What are you doing here?
386 00:18:36 We both know kids needa single primary male role model.
387 00:18:39 Sara's made her choice.
388 00:18:42 I'm man enough tolet that role model be you.
389 00:18:44 I will vouch for you with my children.
390 00:18:47 I will give them my sacredpermission to trust you.
391 00:18:50 To love you and to
392 00:18:53 call you Dad.
393 00:18:54 You'd do that for me?
394 00:18:56 No.
395 00:18:58 But I will do it for them.
396 00:19:00 That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?
397 00:19:03 More than anything in the world.
398 00:19:06 He played you.You just got so played out there.
399 00:19:09 I know it looks that way, 'causeI promised I would ask him to leave,
400 00:19:13 and then I invited him to stay for a week,but he didn't play me.
401 00:19:16 You know what he did? He cut the shit.
402 00:19:19 - He did?- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.
403 00:19:22 I think more of us could standto just cut the shit, you know.
404 00:19:26 - Right.- In one conversation,
405 00:19:28 he just blew byeight chapters in my stepdad book.
406 00:19:30 I mean, this is gonna be so goodfor me and the kids.
407 00:19:33 Baby, you have no ideawho you're dancing with.
408 00:19:36 Dusty gets into your head,that's what he does.
409 00:19:38 He has a very impressive, rugged bravado,
410 00:19:41 there's no question. But I gotta say,
411 00:19:44 I think in here, there'sa soft, soft creamy center.
412 00:19:49 You know? I think he feels a lot.
413 00:19:51 He just... He needssomeone with this, a big ear.
414 00:19:55 And I got them.
415 00:20:01 Good morning, Dusty.
416 00:20:02 - Hey.- You're up and at 'em.
417 00:20:04 - Yeah, I got up early and did a quick 20.- Really?
418 00:20:06 - Twenty minutes of what?- Twenty miles.
419 00:20:08 Did a little light sparring,then I whipped up
420 00:20:10 a pan of piping-hotcinnamon rolls for my family.
421 00:20:12 I made one for you, too.
422 00:20:14 Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.
423 00:20:17 - Good morning, gang!- It smells yummy!
424 00:20:19 Our real dad's a super,super-duper good cook!
425 00:20:22 Here you go, guys.
426 00:20:24 Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.
427 00:20:27 Well, thank you, Brad.What a nice thing to say.
428 00:20:30 It tastes exactly like Cinnabon!
429 00:20:32 In fact, same shape,same swirl, same frosting.
430 00:20:35 Now you're starting to embarrass me,but I do appreciate the compliment.
431 00:20:38 Good morning, Sar-bear!
432 00:20:40 - Morning.- Hey, listen, guys,
433 00:20:42 Brad and I had a talk last nightabout the importance of family.
434 00:20:44 And now that everyone's here,I wanted to say a few words, okay?
435 00:20:47 I think that would be great.
436 00:20:48 Hey, kids, families can be ever-growingand changing things.
437 00:20:52 And sometimes someone newknocks on the door of your heart
438 00:20:55 and you're not sure if youhave room in there for one more.
439 00:20:57 But there's someone here nowI hope you guys can learn to love.
440 00:21:00 Okay?
441 00:21:03 Come here, boy!
442 00:21:06 A doggy!
443 00:21:09 You brought a dog home?
444 00:21:10 Yeah. Is that a problem?
445 00:21:12 You seemed really into itwhile I was teeing it up.
446 00:21:14 No, I thought you were talking about me.
447 00:21:15 - But you're not a dog, Brad.- No...
448 00:21:17 Look, last night, when we talked...
449 00:21:19 Yeah. Well, listen,that's got to happen organically.
450 00:21:22 Why can't it happen now?
451 00:21:23 It just can't.
452 00:21:24 You're dirty.
453 00:21:25 Dusty, how old is that thing?
454 00:21:26 I'd guess him to be around 15.
455 00:21:28 I found him this morning,living in a storm drain.
456 00:21:30 I named him Tumor,because of how much he grows on you.
457 00:21:33 Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?
458 00:21:35 I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.
459 00:21:36 Please, Brad! Please!
460 00:21:39 Why is he looking at me like that?
461 00:21:41 He's only looking at me.
462 00:21:42 Maybe we just get a puppy instead?
463 00:21:44 A puppy, Brad? What are theygoing to learn from a puppy?
464 00:21:47 An old dog like Tumor here'sbeen out in the world, man. Living free.
465 00:21:51 Fighting for survival and seeing thingswe can only dream of.
466 00:21:53 Just look at the wisdomin those cloudy eyes.
467 00:21:56 Besides, you know what happensto old dogs at shelters.
468 00:21:58 He's gonna have to walk the green mileas soon as he gets there.
469 00:22:00 No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!
470 00:22:02 I hate you!
471 00:22:04 Okay. Okay. Fine.
472 00:22:06 He can live out his fewremaining weeks with us.
473 00:22:10 Yay! Thanks, Brad.
474 00:22:11 I don't hate you anymore.
475 00:22:14 He's going potty!
476 00:22:15 Oh, my God.
477 00:22:16 We'll clean it up. We don't mind.
478 00:22:18 Look at that.
479 00:22:19 The dog's alreadyteaching them responsibility.
480 00:22:21 Hey, guys, when you got topick up the potty, use gloves.
481 00:22:23 He's definitely got worms in his poo.
482 00:22:33 Dusty! Can you please move this thing?
483 00:22:36 I can't get my car out of the garage.
484 00:22:37 Hey, Brad, do you mind?I want to grab a quick shower.
485 00:22:40 Yeah, sure, no problem.
486 00:22:43 - Hey, honey.- Hi, sweetie.
487 00:22:44 It's blocking everything.
488 00:22:45 No, I know. I know, don't worry.We're on top of it.
489 00:22:48 What are you doing? Brad, I don't...
490 00:22:51 Hey! Stay away from that, please.
491 00:22:55 Honey, what are you doing?
492 00:22:57 I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.
493 00:23:00 Dusty!
494 00:23:01 It's vibrating up into my shoulders.
495 00:23:04 Hey, it's okay, Brad.Look, she's a lot of bike, man.
496 00:23:07 No, I'm good. Why don't you goback in and take that shower,
497 00:23:09 so you can get a shirt on?
498 00:23:10 You got it.Hey, you look good on that, man.
499 00:23:12 Remember, one down, four up.
500 00:23:13 Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...
501 00:23:17 Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
502 00:23:33 Did Brad just die?
503 00:23:34 I think we all need to prepare ourselvesfor that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?
504 00:23:39 Brad!
505 00:23:42 Brad!
506 00:23:48 Oh, my God.
507 00:23:50 Brad, are you all right?
508 00:23:51 No, I'm not all right.I'm in the wall. I'm scared.
509 00:23:54 Honey.
510 00:23:56 Jeez, Brad, I thought you saidyou could ride.
511 00:23:58 I can ride, okay.Would you get a shirt on?
512 00:24:00 I think if you could ride, you wouldn'tbe stuck in a wall right now, Brad.
513 00:24:03 Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.
514 00:24:05 You almost killed the kids!
515 00:24:06 Let's not beat up on Brad here. Okay?
516 00:24:08 He was showboating for the kidsa little bit, and things got out of hand.
517 00:24:11 Let's all just be gratefulnobody got hurt. Okay?
518 00:24:13 I got hurt!
519 00:24:14 Okay, kids, listen up.This is a good lesson
520 00:24:16 on why you never wanna lieabout your ability to do things
521 00:24:19 you clearly can't do, okay?
522 00:24:21 I think my arm is stuck in the wall.
523 00:24:23 Brad, just stay still. I'll get you out.
524 00:24:25 No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.
525 00:24:27 And would you pleasejust go and get a shirt on?
526 00:24:29 Just calm down, all right?
527 00:24:37 Hey, I'm really sorry aboutwhat happened to your car.
528 00:24:39 Yeah, and I'm sorry aboutwhat happened to your bike.
529 00:24:41 No damage. Not a scratch.
530 00:24:43 - Not even one scratch?- Unbelievable.
531 00:24:45 That's so good.
532 00:24:53 Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!
533 00:24:55 Just like ice cream!
534 00:24:57 Morning, Jerry.
535 00:24:58 Got to keep it inside the cones!
536 00:25:01 No, Daddy! You're supposedto stay in the cones!
537 00:25:03 Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!
538 00:25:06 Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
539 00:25:08 Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?Thank you, Brad.
540 00:25:10 Sorry, Doris.
541 00:25:14 It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing
542 00:25:16 can be a bit overwhelmingif you're not used to it.
543 00:25:18 I landed a chopper in themiddle of a Cuban prison riot,
544 00:25:20 Brad, I think I'm good.
545 00:25:23 Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.Have a great day, okay?
546 00:25:27 - Bye, Daddy!- Make sure you do all your work.
547 00:25:29 Bye, guys. Have the best day.I love you so...
548 00:25:33 Here's the exciting thing.
549 00:25:35 We just opened up in our 68th market,making The Panda America's
550 00:25:39 number three smooth jazz station.
551 00:25:41 Wow.
552 00:25:43 And here it is. My little nook.
553 00:25:48 Wow. Man, I gotta admit,this is more than I expected.
554 00:25:52 Wow.
555 00:25:54 I kind of envy you, Brad.
556 00:25:55 Stop it.
557 00:25:57 It's true. You're a nice guy,making a comfortable living,
558 00:26:01 and the most fantastic womanin the world loves you dearly.
559 00:26:03 Really? Thanks for saying that.
560 00:26:04 I mean it. And that sacrificeshe's making for you... That's true love.
561 00:26:09 Sacrifice?
562 00:26:10 Well, sure, Brad.
563 00:26:11 You know how badthat girl wants another baby.
564 00:26:14 She wants another baby?
565 00:26:16 For her to let that slip away
566 00:26:17 and marry a man she knew to be barren,that's true love.
567 00:26:21 How do you know that I can't...
568 00:26:23 - Bradley.- Yes.
569 00:26:24 Caroline says we're gonna hear somenew voice talent this a.m.?
570 00:26:27 Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.
571 00:26:28 Okay. How'd it gowith the shitbag ex-husband?
572 00:26:32 You whip his ass withthat Loving Fence of yours?
573 00:26:36 Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,
574 00:26:38 because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.
575 00:26:41 Jesus in the morning.She was married to him first?
576 00:26:45 Okay. Let's establish someground rules, pretty boy.
577 00:26:48 Airborne?
578 00:26:49 Your lapel pin. 101 st,that's one hell of a division, sir.
579 00:26:52 Well, thank you, Dusty.
580 00:26:54 Are you Airborne?
581 00:26:55 No, sir, I'm afraidI don't share that honor,
582 00:26:57 but I'm humbled to be in thepresence of anyone who does.
583 00:27:00 Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.
584 00:27:03 Very nice to meet you, sir.
585 00:27:04 Thank you, thank you.It's good to meet you.
586 00:27:07 My pleasure. It's an honor.
587 00:27:08 Fast friends over there.
588 00:27:10 That's wonderful.
589 00:27:12 Come on! No way!
590 00:27:13 The whole time you're running gunsfor the freedom fighters
591 00:27:15 right under the cartel's noses,
592 00:27:17 and they never suspected it was you once?
593 00:27:19 Well, I'm sure they started to suspectonce they were in a ball of fire
594 00:27:22 the size of four city blocks.
595 00:27:25 That's great. I love that!
596 00:27:27 Holy buckets, Brad!
597 00:27:29 If this guy was my wife's ex,I'd put a bullet in my skull.
598 00:27:33 Come on, Leo, cut it out.
599 00:27:34 Sir, I think Barry's ready.
600 00:27:37 You're really going to like this guy.
601 00:27:38 Okay. Ready to listen.
602 00:27:43 One-oh-three-point-six
603 00:27:46 The Panda!
604 00:27:51 All right.
605 00:27:54 - You like him, Brad?- I do.
606 00:27:55 I do. I think his voicehas a warm dependability
607 00:28:00 that all Panda listeners could trust.
608 00:28:03 What do you think, Duster?
609 00:28:06 Does Dusty now work for The Panda?
610 00:28:08 Yeah, Brad's right.
611 00:28:09 I'm not really into smooth jazz.I shouldn't comment.
612 00:28:12 Nobody's into smooth jazz.
613 00:28:14 I'm into smooth jazz.
614 00:28:15 Of course you are, Brad.
615 00:28:17 So what do you think, Dusty?
616 00:28:18 I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.
617 00:28:20 I think you need a voice with somevirility and hope, that tells listeners,
618 00:28:23 "Hey! Maybe the next songwon't suck as bad as the last one."
619 00:28:27 Also, I think a strong abilityto be something like...
620 00:28:29 One-oh-three-point-six
621 00:28:32 The Panda!
622 00:28:38 What...
623 00:28:39 What just happened?
624 00:28:42 He sang the tagline.
625 00:28:45 Good boy, Tumor!
626 00:28:47 Daddy!
627 00:28:48 Hey!
628 00:28:50 Perfect timing. Listen to this.
629 00:28:56 - Is that you?- Yeah!
630 00:28:58 That's you?
631 00:29:00 Why is that him?
632 00:29:02 I took him to work, and 15 minutes laterhe's the new voice of The Panda.
633 00:29:05 Hey, you believe that? I recordone take at 9:30 this morning,
634 00:29:08 it's already run 11 times.
635 00:29:10 Do I really get 182 bucksevery time they play that?
636 00:29:12 Yes. Every time, yes.
637 00:29:13 Money.
638 00:29:14 You see why I love Americaeven more than most people do?
639 00:29:18 Hey. What's this?
640 00:29:19 Just the handymanI hired off Angie's List.
641 00:29:21 He's upstairs fixing the damage.
642 00:29:23 Your wife had to hire a man? For what?
643 00:29:25 Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,some masonry and basic window glazing?
644 00:29:28 Come on, Brad.We can bang that out tonight.
645 00:29:32 Yeah.
646 00:29:33 It's just basic sheetrock glazingand, you know, little whatamajigs.
647 00:29:39 Get up there and
648 00:29:41 get in there and crank it out.
649 00:29:43 Dusty is pretty good with his hands.
650 00:29:45 Pretty good with my hands,Brad, she knows.
651 00:29:48 Okay. Yeah, I'll just goup there and I'll...
652 00:29:50 - Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.- No, no, no, no.
653 00:29:52 No, no, no. That's okay.
654 00:29:54 I'll tell him,
655 00:29:55 - "Guess what, bub?"- Tell him the men are here.
656 00:29:56 I'll say that.I'll say, "The men are here."
657 00:29:58 - Let's do it.- I don't want to imply to him
658 00:30:00 that he's not a man. But I'll just say,
659 00:30:02 "Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?
660 00:30:09 Hi.
661 00:30:12 I'm Brad. My wife hired you.
662 00:30:14 Nice to meet you, Brad.
663 00:30:16 I just came up here to say that you...
664 00:30:21 That you should have good luck.
665 00:30:24 Thank you for your wishes of luck.
666 00:30:26 I'll be downstairs.
667 00:30:29 Well? What happened?
668 00:30:31 You know, I think it's...
669 00:30:32 He already started,and I just think it feels wrong.
670 00:30:36 Why? Because he's black?
671 00:30:37 No. No, no.
672 00:30:39 Megan! Dylan!
673 00:30:40 - What are you doing?- Teaching moment.
674 00:30:43 Guys, what would we call Bradif he treated someone differently
675 00:30:46 just because of the color of their skin?
676 00:30:49 Brad's being racism?
677 00:30:51 Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.
678 00:30:53 - Honey.- But not on purpose.
679 00:30:55 Is Brad a Klan person?
680 00:30:56 No.
681 00:30:58 So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?
682 00:31:01 Well, yeah, you are.
683 00:31:02 Yeah, you are.
684 00:31:05 Sir, you're taking this all wrong.
685 00:31:08 Right. So you get one lookat the color of my skin,
686 00:31:10 and all of a sudden you'reMr. Do It Yourself?
687 00:31:12 No, not at all. Please, allow meto pay you for your time and travel.
688 00:31:15 Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.
689 00:31:19 I'm not a woman.
690 00:31:20 You did the right thing.
691 00:31:22 Boy, it doesn't feel that way.
692 00:31:24 Let's get cracking.Where do you keep your tools?
693 00:31:25 I know where Brad keeps his tools.In the credenza.
694 00:31:28 - Yeah.- You keep your tools
695 00:31:30 - in the credenza, Brad?- In the credenza.
696 00:31:31 Just easier to get to.
697 00:31:32 - It's convenient.- Yeah.
698 00:31:36 This is a tackle box, Brad.Are we going fishing?
699 00:31:38 No. Unless you want to go fishing.
700 00:31:40 What have you got in here?
701 00:31:42 A hammer, masking tape,three C batteries and a tampon.
702 00:31:46 Well, a tampon's handy for...
703 00:31:47 Yeah, I know what they're handy for.
704 00:31:49 So are we not going to fix it?
705 00:31:51 Well, what do you want from me, Brad?
706 00:31:52 To buy all the gear we needwould cost more
707 00:31:53 than just hiring someoneoff of Angie's List.
708 00:32:02 And the King, he thought the Step Kingseemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,
709 00:32:06 but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.
710 00:32:09 But the more the King learned about him,
711 00:32:10 the more he doubted theStep King's ability to lead.
712 00:32:13 So the King decidedthere was only one way to...
713 00:32:16 Hey. Good story?
714 00:32:17 Yeah. The King finallycame back to his castle.
715 00:32:19 But the evil Step Kingwouldn't give him his crown back.
716 00:32:23 Okay, yeah.I think I've heard this story before.
717 00:32:26 It's a story as old as time, Brad.
718 00:32:28 You know what? It turns outthe Step King wasn't evil at all.
719 00:32:31 He was a really good guy.
720 00:32:32 Fun at parties, great conversationalist,affable. And he saw
721 00:32:36 that the beautiful Queenand perfect Prince and Princess
722 00:32:39 were all alone, and he camevaliantly to their rescue.
723 00:32:42 Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because
724 00:32:44 the Step King couldn't giveher an heir to the throne?
725 00:32:47 Okay, you know what?Now this is getting personal.
726 00:32:48 Hey, Brad, come on.We're just doing fairy tales here.
727 00:32:52 All right. Well, the Queenwasn't sad, just for the record.
728 00:32:57 The Step King was pretty sureshe was totally cool with it.
729 00:32:59 Yeah, Brad's right. I'm surethe Queen was thrilled. Right?
730 00:33:02 Right?
731 00:33:04 Yeah.
732 00:33:11 Honey,
733 00:33:13 what's the matter?
734 00:33:15 Are you still sad aboutDusty finding your tampon?
735 00:33:17 No. No, I mean,
736 00:33:21 this is a little embarrassing,
737 00:33:22 but it's just, I was...
738 00:33:26 Is there any chanceyou still want another baby?
739 00:33:30 Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?
740 00:33:34 He's just trying to get in your head.
741 00:33:36 So it's not true then?
742 00:33:42 Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.
743 00:33:46 But it's not possible,given what happened to your...
744 00:33:48 And I'm not blaming them. I love them.
745 00:33:51 They are my fuzzy little pals.
746 00:33:53 You don't have to say that.
747 00:33:54 They are.
748 00:33:56 I am 100% happywith the family that I have.
749 00:33:59 The only reason I'm putting up with him isbecause my kids are so happy to see him.
750 00:34:03 And I want them to havea relationship with their father.
751 00:34:07 You know what?
752 00:34:09 I can't wait to see his face
753 00:34:10 when he figures outhow much you really do for his kids.
754 00:34:14 Yeah. I mean, I'm
755 00:34:17 involved. I'm emotionally available.
756 00:34:20 Yeah, you are.
757 00:34:21 You are darn right.
758 00:34:23 It's high time Dusty seeshow a real dad does it.
759 00:34:27 I am fired up!
760 00:34:30 Let's get some shut-eye.
761 00:35:27 Hallelujah!
762 00:35:37 Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!
763 00:35:52 Brad! Look what Dad did!
764 00:35:54 He finished the treehouse for you!
765 00:35:56 Hey, hey! B-man!
766 00:36:00 No, watch out, B!
767 00:36:04 Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.You all right?
768 00:36:06 What do you think, man?
769 00:36:08 Wow. Pretty cool zipline.
770 00:36:09 You like that? It's military grade.
771 00:36:11 You built all this today? With my tools?
772 00:36:13 No, you can't build a treehousewith a tampon, Brad.
773 00:36:16 No, I had a little bit of help.
774 00:36:17 Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.
775 00:36:19 - Thanks, Uncle Griff.- No problem, buddy.
776 00:36:21 Uncle Griff?
777 00:36:23 Dude, I went out for a beer last night,and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?
778 00:36:26 We get to talking and we just click.You know what I mean?
779 00:36:28 He's a great dude, man. He really is.
780 00:36:30 I know how you feel about him,but just give him a chance.
781 00:36:33 All right? He's having a tough time at home,and your firing him sure didn't help.
782 00:36:37 I fired him because you made me!
783 00:36:38 - I made you?- Yeah.
784 00:36:39 Am I in charge around here now?Is my name on the mortgage?
785 00:36:42 Last time I checked,you were the man of the house,
786 00:36:43 and me and Griffy were just staying here.
787 00:36:45 - He's not staying here.- Because he's black?
788 00:36:47 No, not because of that.
789 00:36:48 Look, Griffy helped meknock this out, all right?
790 00:36:50 So despite any prejudicesthat you may or may not have...
791 00:36:52 I don't have any prejudices.
792 00:36:54 I said "may or may not."
793 00:36:55 - Well, it's may not.- Well, that's good.
794 00:36:57 Because that's one of the ones I said.
795 00:36:58 Hey, kids, come on.Helmets on the half-pipe.
796 00:37:00 We got to be safe around here.
797 00:37:01 Half-pipe?
798 00:37:05 I know it's taking up a lot ofthe yard, but it's gonna make
799 00:37:07 your house the coolest placein the neighborhood.
800 00:37:08 I got a sound system, we got
801 00:37:10 a couple Go-Pros. That's Coreyfrom Red Bull over there.
802 00:37:12 Hey, Corey!
803 00:37:13 You got a sponsor for my backyard?
804 00:37:15 Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?
805 00:37:17 Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!
806 00:37:19 And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.
807 00:37:23 I'm gonna dedicate this runto my future X-Games champs,
808 00:37:26 Dylan and Megan. This is for you!
809 00:37:51 Looks like you picked thewrong leisure activity, buddy.
810 00:38:04 Thank you.
811 00:38:06 - Hey, Sara.- Hi.
812 00:38:08 Okay. Who's got next?
813 00:38:09 I do!
814 00:38:14 Look!
815 00:38:18 Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.
816 00:38:22 Really adorable.
817 00:38:23 Brad?
818 00:38:25 Hey, who'd like to see how we used todo it back in the empty pools of Encino,
819 00:38:29 Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?
820 00:38:31 Santa Clarita?
821 00:38:33 Santa Cruz?
822 00:38:35 Fremont?
823 00:38:37 Honey, no, please come down.
824 00:38:39 I intend to, sister.
825 00:38:42 Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.
826 00:38:45 Godspeed.
827 00:38:56 Oh, my God! Brad!
828 00:38:58 No, it's best not to touch him.Wait a second.
829 00:38:59 What do you mean, don't touch him?He's in trouble.
830 00:39:01 Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?
831 00:39:03 But if there's a problem,who do you want to be in charge?
832 00:39:04 You?
833 00:39:05 Okay. All right, guys,we have an emergency situation.
834 00:39:08 And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?
835 00:39:10 - You! Redhead.- Call 911.
836 00:39:12 Close. But wrong.First thing we do is remain calm.
837 00:39:16 That's good advice.
838 00:39:17 The 911 operator can't understand youif you're hysterical, okay?
839 00:39:19 So let's all take a deep breath.In for ten...
840 00:39:21 Are you kidding me right now? Help him!
841 00:39:24 Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.
842 00:39:26 Now, please, call 911and relate to the dispatcher
843 00:39:28 - what happened calmly, okay?- Okay, yes.
844 00:39:29 Anybody know what we do next?
845 00:39:31 Check for pulse!
846 00:39:33 Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.
847 00:39:35 All right! Okay, two fingerson the neck, right below the ear.
848 00:39:38 Good. You feel a heartbeat?
849 00:39:41 Okay, now that means thatBrad here is now clinically... Anybody?
850 00:39:45 - You, Jean Jacket!- Dead?
851 00:39:46 Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.
852 00:39:47 He is dead.
853 00:39:49 So what do we do?Come on, we're losing him here.
854 00:39:51 Give him C.P.R.?
855 00:39:53 Yes! That's my girl.Come on up here, sweetie.
856 00:39:56 All right! All right, lock your fingers likethis and press down hard right here.
857 00:40:00 Great job, sweetheart.
858 00:40:01 Dusty, hurry!
859 00:40:02 Okay, I'm going to go aheadand take this one.
860 00:40:04 Okay? Watch closely now.
861 00:40:06 If you do your chest compressions properly,it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.
862 00:40:14 I got him! I got him!
863 00:40:18 My dad can bring peopleback from the dead!
864 00:40:22 Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!
865 00:40:28 Look, I'm okay, really.I just got a little jolt.
866 00:40:32 You got a little killedis what you got, Brad.
867 00:40:35 We thought we lost you.
868 00:40:37 Okay, I'm sorry.
869 00:40:38 I just got tired of beingthe lame stepdad.
870 00:40:40 All the kids think he's Superman.
871 00:40:42 Well, now you know how I felt.
872 00:40:44 I always had to be the bad guy mom,giving out the carrots and the punishments,
873 00:40:49 and he would breeze infrom God only knows where
874 00:40:52 and get to be the cool, fun dad.
875 00:40:54 Honey. Look.
876 00:40:56 I'll talk to him, okay?
877 00:40:57 I'll tell him to get his stuff and get overto the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.
878 00:41:01 Great.
879 00:41:06 Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?
880 00:41:09 Man, I didn't see that coming at all.
881 00:41:11 He seemed like he really loved Anna.
882 00:41:13 I hate Prince Hans.
883 00:41:14 Dusty.
884 00:41:15 Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
885 00:41:18 Sparky. That's hilarious.
886 00:41:19 Brad, have you seen this movie?
887 00:41:21 It's unbelievable, man.
888 00:41:22 There's these two sisters,one of them has ice powers.
889 00:41:24 Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.
890 00:41:27 Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.
891 00:41:29 I can't talk now, Brad.
892 00:41:30 Just pause the movie!
893 00:41:31 Can you guys talk out there, please?
894 00:41:32 Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.
895 00:41:34 No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.
896 00:41:35 He won't... Dude, if another songcomes on, you got to pause it. Okay?
897 00:41:38 Am I supposed to pause my emotions?
898 00:41:40 Just pause the song, man.
899 00:41:42 What's up? What's up?What's going on, Brad?
900 00:41:44 - This shouldn't take long.- Okay, good.
901 00:41:45 Listen, I just think thatyou're being here...
902 00:41:48 Yeah. No problem.
903 00:41:50 ...and now there's Griff here,it's presenting some obstacles...
904 00:41:55 Stupid helmet!
905 00:41:56 Honey, what happened?
906 00:41:57 They pushed me off my bike again!
907 00:41:59 I'm so sick of it!
908 00:42:06 I want them dead, Brad.I want their parents dead.
909 00:42:09 And if they don't have parents, I want
910 00:42:10 their primary caregivers dead.Do you understand me?
911 00:42:12 - Okay, okay.- He's okay.
912 00:42:13 Megan's upstairs playing with him.I am so pissed about this.
913 00:42:16 Was it the fourth graders again?
914 00:42:17 Fourth graders?What, you knew about this, Brad?
915 00:42:19 Yeah. Dylan asked to speakspecifically to me about it.
916 00:42:22 - Really?- So, we role-played
917 00:42:23 some conflict resolution dialogue.
918 00:42:25 Are you being serious right now, Brad?
919 00:42:26 What you need to be teaching himis some ass-beating resolution.
920 00:42:29 Damn straight. You got tomake a statement. Set a tone.
921 00:42:32 It's kind of a family matter over here.
922 00:42:35 No, Dusty and Griff are right.
923 00:42:36 Those little punks needtheir butts whooped.
924 00:42:38 You got any Miracle Whip?
925 00:42:39 Yeah, it's behind the...
926 00:42:41 Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.
927 00:42:44 Guys, I know we're upset right now,
928 00:42:47 but here's the thing.
929 00:42:50 Violence never solved anything.
930 00:42:51 Hey, check your history books, buddy.
931 00:42:53 Almost everything is solved by violence.
932 00:42:54 There are better ways.
933 00:42:55 Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.
934 00:42:58 - Name one?- Name one!
935 00:43:00 - What do you mean, name one?- You said you could
936 00:43:02 solve problems withthings other than fighting.
937 00:43:03 - What are you gonna do?- I don't know.
938 00:43:04 You said you knew! You act like you knew!
939 00:43:07 - Fine, yes!- What?
940 00:43:08 Dancing! Dancing.
941 00:43:13 Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?
942 00:43:15 It's very popular in youth cultureto resolve conflict through dancing.
943 00:43:19 They step up to each other and get served
944 00:43:21 by crunking, or popping and locking.
945 00:43:24 They call each other out, they take turns,
946 00:43:26 and it is no less intensethan a classic street brawl.
947 00:43:30 But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.
948 00:43:34 And it's a great aerobic workout.
949 00:43:36 He's flailing a bit,but he has a good point.
950 00:43:39 There's a rich historyof dance battles in film.
951 00:43:42 - You got Breakin' 1...- I didn't even think of this.
952 00:43:44 ...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
953 00:43:46 One of the rare caseswhere the sequel was better
954 00:43:48 - than the original.- Much better.
955 00:43:49 You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.
956 00:43:51 He makes a solid point.
957 00:43:53 Honey, are you telling us that weshould teach Dylan to dance?
958 00:43:56 No, I'm just saying that teaching himto fight isn't the answer.
959 00:44:00 Okay, but maybe teaching himto fight back isn't so bad?
960 00:44:05 Okay.
961 00:44:08 There we go. Perfect.That's good, right there.
962 00:44:13 Yeah. A lot of protection.
963 00:44:19 All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?
964 00:44:20 - I guess.- You're ready.
965 00:44:22 Brad, Griff. You guys bethe fourth graders.
966 00:44:24 - I'll be Dylan.- Okay.
967 00:44:26 All right. Hey, buddy,the first thing you want to do
968 00:44:28 is call out the biggest one.
969 00:44:30 Hey! What's the matter?
970 00:44:32 You too much of a pussy to take me onwithout your little bitches to back you up?
971 00:44:36 Wow. Okay, yes.That cut right through me, there.
972 00:44:39 I'm filled with inner shame right now.
973 00:44:42 Saying to myself,"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving
974 00:44:44 "100% the way I want to."Right? Is that same page?
975 00:44:47 No. What the kid's gonna thinkis, "Now I can beat your ass
976 00:44:49 "all on my own." But nowyou only got one bully to contend with.
977 00:44:52 Now bullies always open upwith some shoving first.
978 00:44:54 Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
979 00:44:57 I didn't connect there, did I?
980 00:44:58 No. It was really close, though.
981 00:45:00 See what I did, buddy?I turned my body just enough
982 00:45:03 to let his weight bring him in,then I came right down Broadway.
983 00:45:06 I'm not gonna hit you.
984 00:45:07 Okay, relax. Okay?
985 00:45:11 It's called the element of surprise.
986 00:45:12 Then you start punking his ass!
987 00:45:14 You want some more of that, bitch?You like that, bitch?
988 00:45:16 All right. Do we reallyneed to use that word?
989 00:45:18 - No.- Honey, yes.
990 00:45:19 Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.
991 00:45:20 You have to make him a bitch.
992 00:45:22 It's a fundamental step indestroying a bully's psyche.
993 00:45:25 Now stay down, bitch!
994 00:45:26 Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!
995 00:45:27 Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!
996 00:45:29 Wait! I thought you were in my gang.
997 00:45:30 Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,I switched sides.
998 00:45:33 What do you think happensout there on the playground, Brad?
999 00:45:34 All right, now come on, buddy.It's your turn. All right?
1000 00:45:36 I'll be the fourth grader.
1001 00:45:38 Can I just go inside already, please?
1002 00:45:40 Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.You can do this.
1003 00:45:42 I said, no! I don't like this stuff.
1004 00:45:43 I'll just stay away from themfrom now on. Mom?
1005 00:45:46 Okay, come here, buddy.
1006 00:45:47 - Come on. It's all right.- Brad.
1007 00:45:49 Help me out here. Come on.
1008 00:45:52 Hey, wait.
1009 00:45:54 Pal, listen...
1010 00:45:56 I know what it's liketo be afraid to go to school.
1011 00:45:58 Okay? When I was your age, this groupof older kids started picking on me.
1012 00:46:03 I ran and I criedunderneath the bleachers.
1013 00:46:05 They bothered me every day,because they knew
1014 00:46:09 I was too afraid to face them.
1015 00:46:11 Until one day, I'd had enough.
1016 00:46:14 And I socked Jesse Hubbardright in the nose.
1017 00:46:16 Really? And they left you alone?
1018 00:46:18 Damn right they did.
1019 00:46:23 Brad. That was good.
1020 00:46:26 Come here, buddy.Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?
1021 00:46:30 Now, look at me. I want you to punch themright in the Adam's apple. Okay?
1022 00:46:32 I want you to shatter their throat.
1023 00:46:34 Hold on, hold on.
1024 00:46:37 I'm sorry. Look, I'm havinga pang of guilt right now.
1025 00:46:41 Full disclosure. Some of the elementsof my story weren't exactly true.
1026 00:46:45 The incessant crying, 100% true.
1027 00:46:47 The constant bullying, absolutely,it all happened,
1028 00:46:51 but I've never punched anyone in my life.
1029 00:46:53 I could have told you that.
1030 00:46:55 - Then what did you do?- Yeah, what did you do?
1031 00:46:58 Well, nothing at all.In fact, sixth grade was so rough,
1032 00:47:00 I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.
1033 00:47:04 Why the hell would you tell him that?
1034 00:47:06 I pretended to be blind for an entireschool year, just to elicit empathy.
1035 00:47:10 Which was great until
1036 00:47:12 they found me intently watchingan episode of M*A*S*H.
1037 00:47:16 In fact, it got so bad,my parents had to refinance
1038 00:47:18 our house to put me in private school.
1039 00:47:19 Let's just do that.Can I go to private school, please?
1040 00:47:23 No, Dylan, we can't do that.Want to know why?
1041 00:47:26 Because ever since that day,I've always run away from conflict.
1042 00:47:31 In fact, if I had a dad like Dustywhen I was your age, maybe
1043 00:47:36 he could have taught mehow to stand up for myself.
1044 00:47:39 So, wait. You're saying,if I don't stick up for myself now,
1045 00:47:44 I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?
1046 00:47:46 Yes. That is the basicgist of what I'm saying. Yes.
1047 00:47:51 Okay. Then let's do this.
1048 00:47:54 Come on, buddy, you got this.
1049 00:47:55 Give me something. Come on.
1050 00:47:57 Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.
1051 00:47:58 You're fast, you're good.
1052 00:48:00 You're a winner. You're a champion.
1053 00:48:01 They got to let you off the leash, baby.We got a little pit bull here.
1054 00:48:05 That was really nice, you guys. Good job.
1055 00:48:08 It was really fun to watch thetwo of you working together
1056 00:48:10 like a couple of great co-dads.
1057 00:48:13 Yeah.
1058 00:48:15 Co-dads. That's...
1059 00:48:18 That's good stuff.
1060 00:48:19 You know what?In that same spirit of unity,
1061 00:48:23 I want to show my gratitudefor your inviting me
1062 00:48:24 to stay here and share moments like these.
1063 00:48:26 About that, Dusty.When I pulled you over there, actually...
1064 00:48:28 No, what you've done heredoes not go unnoticed.
1065 00:48:31 And I repay my debts.
1066 00:48:32 Look, Sara, I know how muchyou want another child.
1067 00:48:34 I think I can helpput a baby in there for you.
1068 00:48:36 - Oh, my God!- What are you saying?
1069 00:48:38 - I mean I got a guy.- Dusty, please! You got a guy?
1070 00:48:40 Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.
1071 00:48:42 He's a buddy of mine.I trained him for his first Ironman.
1072 00:48:45 All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.
1073 00:48:47 - Dr. Emilio Francisco?- You've heard of him?
1074 00:48:49 Oh, my God, yeah.
1075 00:48:51 He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.
1076 00:48:53 He's one of the top five reproductiveendocrinologists in the country.
1077 00:48:56 See? People wait yearsto get an appointment with this guy.
1078 00:48:59 Do you really think he would see us?
1079 00:49:00 - Whoa, whoa, hold on.- I know he would.
1080 00:49:02 If anybody can help youhave a baby, he can.
1081 00:49:05 Mommy's going to have a baby?
1082 00:49:07 Cool! Can we name it Griff?
1083 00:49:08 Thanks, D-man.
1084 00:49:09 Look, you guys,I don't know if this is a good idea.
1085 00:49:12 You don't wanna name your babyafter a black person?
1086 00:49:14 - Is that it?- No!
1087 00:49:15 You probably want to name it somethingreally white, like Connor or Gordon.
1088 00:49:19 Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.
1089 00:49:23 No, no, Griff is a lovely name.I'm just saying,
1090 00:49:26 I don't think it's a goodidea to get our hopes up,
1091 00:49:29 because, in the end,
1092 00:49:31 odds are, I'm going to let you down.
1093 00:49:34 Okay, honey, but what if
1094 00:49:35 I promise, promise, promisenot to get my hopes up?
1095 00:49:39 We could just try, right? It can't hurt.
1096 00:49:42 Okay, sure.But you can't get your hopes up.
1097 00:49:45 No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!
1098 00:49:46 I feel like you've alreadygotten your hopes up.
1099 00:49:50 - Where are you going?- Nowhere!
1100 00:49:51 - You calling your mother?- No!
1101 00:49:53 Okay, yes, but it's about something else.
1102 00:49:55 It's not about something else.
1103 00:49:57 Damn it, Brad, he set you up.
1104 00:49:59 He used this fancy doctorto get your wife back on the baby train.
1105 00:50:03 When those test results come backand prove you can't give her a baby,
1106 00:50:07 guess who's gonna be waitingthere cocked and loaded?
1107 00:50:10 Well, I trust my wife, so we really don'tneed to keep talking about it, okay?
1108 00:50:14 Let me tell you a little story, Brad.
1109 00:50:16 When Jeneane, my fourth, and Iwere returning from our honeymoon,
1110 00:50:21 she told me thatshe had a 23-year-old kid.
1111 00:50:23 Brazilian boy.Said she had him real young.
1112 00:50:26 So he moves in with us.
1113 00:50:28 Doesn't speak a lick of English.
1114 00:50:29 There are the usual tensions.I try to assert my authority.
1115 00:50:33 "Andreas, get your feetoff the furniture."
1116 00:50:35 "Andreas, you're too oldto sleep in bed with Mommy."
1117 00:50:39 "Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."
1118 00:50:42 And he'd get mad,and hit me with a car antenna.
1119 00:50:45 Maybe that's the way kids are.
1120 00:50:47 No. Not really.
1121 00:50:48 So I adopt him,help him get his citizenship.
1122 00:50:51 The second the papers come through,guess what happens?
1123 00:50:54 I already know.
1124 00:50:55 They shack up together in Barstow.
1125 00:50:57 It turns out Andreasis her boyfriend, Brad.
1126 00:51:02 I did not see it coming.
1127 00:51:03 I actually did, about one,two words into your story.
1128 00:51:08 The moral of this fable is,it's good to know when you're beaten.
1129 00:51:12 - You know I think the world of you, Brad.- Thank you.
1130 00:51:14 But if I'm being completely honest,even I'm rooting for Dusty.
1131 00:51:19 He's just so damn likeable.
1132 00:51:21 You know, it's getting kind of late.Shouldn't we just get back to work?
1133 00:51:25 Okay, you win.
1134 00:51:27 So where are we on The Panda Jamnumbers for next summer?
1135 00:51:32 London, you still on the conference call?
1136 00:51:37 Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!
1137 00:51:40 Hey, what's up, Doc?
1138 00:51:42 You look great, man. You stillrocking those Ironmans?
1139 00:51:45 Yeah, bro.I just finished Brazil in 11:40.
1140 00:51:47 - That's unbelievable.- Yeah. Well, come on.
1141 00:51:49 Ain't nothing on you, man.
1142 00:51:50 Hey, my first race,I'm limping across the finish line
1143 00:51:53 when this bastard laps me.
1144 00:51:55 I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,
1145 00:51:56 then decides to go around again?Who does that?
1146 00:51:58 It sounds exhausting.
1147 00:52:00 Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.
1148 00:52:03 Hi.
1149 00:52:05 Dusty, you were not lyingabout this one. Very nice.
1150 00:52:08 And you weren't lyingabout this one either.
1151 00:52:10 You must be Chief Glowing Sack.
1152 00:52:11 What?
1153 00:52:13 Hey, come on,I'm just lighting you up, man.
1154 00:52:14 Come on, little hug.
1155 00:52:16 Okay, come on back, y'all.Let's take a look.
1156 00:52:19 All right. So let's run it down.
1157 00:52:21 I think we can safely say your issuehas nothing to do with X-rays.
1158 00:52:25 You know what, sweetheart, come here.Let's see that pretty little hand.
1159 00:52:28 Okay. Now put it right in here.
1160 00:52:31 Okay, you feel that?
1161 00:52:32 - Yeah.- Okay, that is not how you want
1162 00:52:34 testicles to be shaped.
1163 00:52:35 Really? It feels like all the other...
1164 00:52:39 Hi.
1165 00:52:40 It cuts off blood flow, okay?Limits potency.
1166 00:52:42 You want them to...You know what? Actually...
1167 00:52:45 - Hey, Dusty!- Hey.
1168 00:52:47 - Why is he coming in here?- Little help in here, please.
1169 00:52:50 Come on. You gotta put methrough this every time?
1170 00:52:51 - Come on. Be a sport.- All right.
1171 00:52:53 Oh, my God! What are you doing?
1172 00:52:54 Is this even ethical?
1173 00:52:56 James and the Giant Peach.
1174 00:53:00 - Did you just gulp?- No.
1175 00:53:03 It's okay, I gulp every time.
1176 00:53:05 You see, this... This is what you want.
1177 00:53:08 Plump and bulbous.
1178 00:53:10 Glassy smooth, like
1179 00:53:12 two Patrick Stewarts,you know what I mean?
1180 00:53:15 Don't embarrass me in frontof Sara like this anymore, okay?
1181 00:53:17 Hey, sorry, bro.
1182 00:53:18 So, ready to milk the cow,see if we even got a sliver of hope here?
1183 00:53:21 Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want totry to break your own record?
1184 00:53:23 No, I'm good.
1185 00:53:25 Hey, come on, man.I'm doing you a favor here.
1186 00:53:26 Give me something to bragabout at the next symposium.
1187 00:53:29 Fine. You want to break the record,I gotta break the record.
1188 00:53:33 Yeah. Kid came to play.
1189 00:53:35 Should I grab a big cup, too?
1190 00:53:36 What? Stop screwing around.
1191 00:53:38 Come on. We're burning daylight here.
1192 00:54:08 Hello. Quick question.How difficult would it be
1193 00:54:12 for someone to whip upa batch of your Cinnabons?
1194 00:54:15 Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?
1195 00:54:17 Bradsky. Could youpass this along to Dusty?
1196 00:54:20 It's his first resids check.
1197 00:54:21 Disclaimer. It's more than you make.
1198 00:54:23 - Don't get worried about it.- How much more than...
1199 00:54:25 And tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.
1200 00:54:28 He doesn't need to bring anything.All right, buddy?
1201 00:54:30 I've never been to your house.
1202 00:54:31 No, you haven't.
1203 00:54:36 Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.
1204 00:54:40 Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?
1205 00:54:41 - No. Next slide, please.- Okay.
1206 00:54:43 Slides. Fun.
1207 00:54:46 Cool. You guys climbed that?
1208 00:54:48 Yuck. Why are you guys kissingin every single picture?
1209 00:54:51 Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.
1210 00:54:53 Married people kiss a lot.
1211 00:54:55 Ready?
1212 00:54:56 Wow, China.
1213 00:54:58 I loved it there.
1214 00:55:00 Dylan, you were created rightthere on that wall, buddy.
1215 00:55:02 - Really?- Dusty, that's enough.
1216 00:55:04 Okay, next slide.
1217 00:55:06 That's where your mom and I met,doing The King and I in summer stock.
1218 00:55:10 God, that costume was so tight.
1219 00:55:13 Next slide, please.
1220 00:55:15 Oh, my God.
1221 00:55:19 Is that baby me?
1222 00:55:32 All right, you guys,let's get ready for bed.
1223 00:55:36 - Okay?- It's story time, Mayron family!
1224 00:55:39 We don't have to waitfor Mr. Whitaker, do we?
1225 00:55:42 I really don't like you,but that shit is heartbreaking.
1226 00:55:52 Griff's home!
1227 00:55:54 So the King raised his mighty swordand rained steel down upon the Step King.
1228 00:55:59 But the Step Kingblocked it with his shield.
1229 00:56:02 And swung his cat o'nine tailsinto the King's smug face.
1230 00:56:04 Which the King easily brushed asidelike the feather of a gull.
1231 00:56:07 And then the King did counterwith a barrage of slashes
1232 00:56:10 and thrusts so fast and precisethe Step King had no way to parry.
1233 00:56:14 But he did. He did.He parried all of them.
1234 00:56:17 Easily. It was no big deal.
1235 00:56:19 Then he grabbed the King'ssword right out of his hand
1236 00:56:23 and smashed it over his knee.
1237 00:56:25 That's when the King pulled outa pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
1238 00:56:28 Which is completely anachronistic.
1239 00:56:31 So if we're doing any time period,then the Step King just happened to be
1240 00:56:34 wearing Kevlar body armor.
1241 00:56:36 - Concussion grenade!- Hand grenade.
1242 00:56:38 - Rocket launcher.- Missile launcher.
1243 00:56:39 - Air strike.- Nuclear strike.
1244 00:56:41 - Black hole.- God.
1245 00:56:43 We know what this comes down to.
1246 00:56:44 The Step King was very upset
1247 00:56:47 because when the real Kingpulled out his sword,
1248 00:56:49 it was long and shiny,
1249 00:56:51 and the Step Kingdid shudder at the size of it.
1250 00:56:53 And while the Step King acknowledgedthat the King carried a mighty,
1251 00:56:57 beautifully engraved broadsword,all the maidens in the land
1252 00:57:01 preferred the more average-sized
1253 00:57:03 Step King's sword becauseit knew how to listen.
1254 00:57:07 And the King needs to realizehe's a guest in his castle
1255 00:57:11 and he better mind his P's and Q's
1256 00:57:13 because the Step King has had it upto here with the King's bullshit!
1257 00:57:17 Brad said a naughty word.
1258 00:57:18 Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hearthat inappropriate language.
1259 00:57:22 Make sure you tell your mother.
1260 00:57:23 Brad, can I talk to youin the hall, please?
1261 00:57:27 Brad, what just happened in there, man?
1262 00:57:30 Look, the Step King should not haveused inappropriate language
1263 00:57:34 in front of the Prince and Princess,he admits that.
1264 00:57:36 Why are you still saying itlike that, Brad?
1265 00:57:37 We're out in the hall.
1266 00:57:38 I don't know. I'm upset.
1267 00:57:41 Hold on.
1268 00:57:43 Hello?
1269 00:57:44 Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.
1270 00:57:46 Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.
1271 00:57:48 He wants us all to come in tomorrow.9:30 work for you?
1272 00:57:49 - Yeah, I guess so.- Yeah,
1273 00:57:50 we'll see you then.All right, bud. Come on, man.
1274 00:57:53 The doctor will be with you in a moment.
1275 00:57:55 - Thank you.- Thank you.
1276 00:58:02 Hey, Brad, whatever happens here,I just want you to know
1277 00:58:05 that I'm proud of you for doing your best.
1278 00:58:07 - Okay?- Thank you.
1279 00:58:08 Hello, hello. Okay.I'm going to cut right to the chase.
1280 00:58:12 Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
1281 00:58:15 Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.
1282 00:58:18 Damn, that is a real shame.My heart is melting.
1283 00:58:20 Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.
1284 00:58:22 A real shame thatyou're gonna have to put up
1285 00:58:23 with Brad here pounding away on you
1286 00:58:25 over and over,now that he's got a fighting chance
1287 00:58:28 of getting you pregnant.
1288 00:58:31 What? Oh, my God!
1289 00:58:32 - Holy moly!- Oh, my God.
1290 00:58:35 Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give thema false sense of hope.
1291 00:58:37 Remember what you said aboutthe blood flow and the screwy 'nads?
1292 00:58:40 Yeah, well, Brad has youto thank for that, Dusty.
1293 00:58:42 In lab rats, whenever another alpha male
1294 00:58:45 comes around, it can spike testosterone,driving up sperm counts.
1295 00:58:48 Now, no guarantees, okay?But with my help, Brad,
1296 00:58:51 I think you got enough left in the tankto make it all the way to baby town.
1297 00:58:54 That's so wonderful. Thank you.
1298 00:58:55 - Thank you so much.- Of course.
1299 00:58:58 - Can we give you a hug?- Yeah. Come on in.
1300 00:59:00 Oh, my gosh.
1301 00:59:03 Did not expect this.
1302 00:59:20 You virile sea snake, you.
1303 00:59:22 - I underestimated you, Brad.- Yes, you did.
1304 00:59:25 I can finally give Sara everything,and it feels good.
1305 00:59:29 Now, listen, this is what you need to do.
1306 00:59:30 You need to go and pee outsidethe room that Dusty sleeps in.
1307 00:59:33 He's gonna smell your urine and know that
1308 00:59:36 your virility is not to be taken lightly.
1309 00:59:39 It's good advice.I did it last year in the lobby.
1310 00:59:41 I remember. It was a health hazard.
1311 00:59:44 It scared the FedEx guy.
1312 00:59:45 No, I'm going to takethe high road on this one.
1313 00:59:47 Okay, fine, take the high road.
1314 00:59:49 But jam a baby up in thereas quickly as you can, Brad.
1315 00:59:52 Because, in the end, if Saradoes choose Dusty over you,
1316 00:59:55 he has to be stepdad to your baby.
1317 00:59:57 How beautiful is that?
1318 00:59:59 Come on, five it.
1319 01:00:00 No. You know, it feels strange
1320 01:00:03 to high-five over the custodyof my unborn child.
1321 01:00:06 I've been on Dusty's team.
1322 01:00:07 I'm trying to jump overto the winning team Brad.
1323 01:00:10 - Get on this.- I'd really rather not.
1324 01:00:12 I'm trying to share a momentwith you here. Please five me.
1325 01:00:15 It feels... No, thanks.
1326 01:00:17 - Got it!- Wait. No.
1327 01:00:19 - Sweet.- It didn't count.
1328 01:00:20 I love you, Brad.
1329 01:00:21 It's not a binding high-five.
1330 01:00:23 Fat beans in there.
1331 01:00:25 - Dusty?- Brad.
1332 01:00:27 What can I do for you?
1333 01:00:29 Wow, that's some impressive up-downs.
1334 01:00:31 Look,
1335 01:00:34 what you did for Sara and me,
1336 01:00:38 that's a life-changer,and I just wanted to say thank you.
1337 01:00:42 And I'm sorry.
1338 01:00:44 Sorry for what?
1339 01:00:46 Well, here's the thing.
1340 01:00:48 I mean, you show up,
1341 01:00:52 here's this guy who's cool and exciting.
1342 01:00:56 I guess I felt a little competitive, andslightly insecure, and I start thinking,
1343 01:01:01 well, maybe you want to challenge me.
1344 01:01:05 But today you proved thatall you really care about
1345 01:01:08 is our family's happiness.
1346 01:01:09 Oh, man.
1347 01:01:10 I'm humbled.
1348 01:01:12 I mean it. And you know what?
1349 01:01:14 You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.
1350 01:01:17 - Yeah?- The truth?
1351 01:01:19 I see this new man in my kids' life.
1352 01:01:21 He's kind and caring and successful,and I don't even want to like you.
1353 01:01:25 But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.
1354 01:01:28 Really?
1355 01:01:29 I was determined to push you outand get my family back.
1356 01:01:31 I was underhanded anddisingenuous about it.
1357 01:01:34 I feel like a monster.
1358 01:01:36 No. No, no, no.
1359 01:01:39 At the risk of being disrespectful,I want you to shut your mouth.
1360 01:01:43 You are allowedto have those feelings. Okay?
1361 01:01:47 Heck, we're talking aboutyour own children here, for cripes' sake.
1362 01:01:51 Clean slate?
1363 01:01:52 Absolutely.
1364 01:01:54 Come here.
1365 01:01:59 You know what's funny?You're not even sweating,
1366 01:02:01 after doing all those push-ups.
1367 01:02:03 That's exemplary.
1368 01:02:08 Thank you, Dusty.
1369 01:02:10 Thank you, Brad.
1370 01:02:16 All that stuff about pushing me outand taking over my family,
1371 01:02:20 I mean, we're through all that, right?
1372 01:02:22 No, no, no. I'm here to defeat you
1373 01:02:24 and take back my family.That can't change.
1374 01:02:26 But now I'll follow your noble exampleand do it above board.
1375 01:02:29 Honestly. Like a man. Like you.
1376 01:02:32 But we just hugged. You said you like me.
1377 01:02:36 I do like you, Brad, very much.
1378 01:02:37 It doesn't make this any easier.
1379 01:02:39 You know I'm gonna have to tell Sarawhat you said in here today.
1380 01:02:41 Of course.It would be irresponsible not to.
1381 01:02:44 She's not gonna like it.She's gonna want you out.
1382 01:02:46 You're right about that, Brad.
1383 01:02:47 What the hell are you up to?
1384 01:02:48 I just told you what I'm up to.
1385 01:02:50 My head is spinning right now.
1386 01:02:52 Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?
1387 01:02:55 Sweet potatoes or yams?
1388 01:02:56 Griff, you know we have yams, all right?
1389 01:02:59 You made me buy them for you.
1390 01:03:01 I wanted to respectyour house by asking you
1391 01:03:02 before I got them.I didn't want to just go grab yams.
1392 01:03:05 Okay, I appreciate that.I'm dealing with something.
1393 01:03:07 - Just go get the yams.- All right.
1394 01:03:09 Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.
1395 01:03:11 Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.
1396 01:03:14 But I'm gonna prove to youthat I'm the best.
1397 01:03:16 You can eat my dust, Dusty.
1398 01:03:35 Christmas already?Why didn't anybody tell me?
1399 01:03:38 It's not. It's the middle of April.
1400 01:03:42 Daddy must have done this!
1401 01:03:45 No, he didn't.
1402 01:03:47 Brad.
1403 01:03:50 Claus is the name.Santa Claus, if you please.
1404 01:03:52 But this Brad you speak of called meall the way up at the North Pole.
1405 01:03:56 He said his children were so sad because
1406 01:03:59 their biological father had missed so many
1407 01:04:01 Christmases and birthdays
1408 01:04:04 and special family holidays,so he asked me
1409 01:04:07 to come here today so that Dusty
1410 01:04:09 could experience one Christmaswith his kids before he leaves again.
1411 01:04:14 Probably for a long, long time.
1412 01:04:17 Can we open presents?
1413 01:04:18 You sure can, little girl.
1414 01:04:20 I think they're from Brad.
1415 01:04:22 In fact, all the presents are from Brad.
1416 01:04:24 Let's see if any of thepresents are from Dusty.
1417 01:04:28 Nope. Not one present from Dusty.All from Brad.
1418 01:04:32 Hey, kids, let's not forgetwho got you a dog. Remember?
1419 01:04:35 Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!
1420 01:04:38 Okay, I am officially worried about you.
1421 01:04:41 Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.
1422 01:04:46 - For me?- Yeah.
1423 01:04:49 Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.I love it.
1424 01:04:53 Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.
1425 01:04:58 No, it looks like Tumor'sgiven away Megan's big gift.
1426 01:05:10 A pony! A pony! A pony!
1427 01:05:12 I know, it's a pony!
1428 01:05:15 It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!
1429 01:05:18 Can we name her Princess Elsa?
1430 01:05:20 You can name him whatever you want,because it's yours!
1431 01:05:24 Brad, how can we afford a pony?
1432 01:05:25 Where are we even going to put that thing?
1433 01:05:27 I can clear out some stablespace in the garage.
1434 01:05:29 Look, it's only half a horse.
1435 01:05:31 Okay? Think of it likea big dog, only a lot better.
1436 01:05:35 What's this? What the heck?
1437 01:05:37 It's tickets to tonight'sNBA playoff game...
1438 01:05:40 - What?- ...against Dylan's favorite team,
1439 01:05:42 the Los Angeles Lakers?
1440 01:05:44 Thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!
1441 01:05:46 I love you, Brad!
1442 01:05:48 Not bad.
1443 01:05:50 Not bad at all.
1444 01:05:51 Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!
1445 01:05:54 Christmas?
1446 01:05:56 How long was I asleep for?
1447 01:06:06 - You guys got enough candy?- Yeah!
1448 01:06:08 Remember, you can have anythingyou want, 'cause it's Christmas!
1449 01:06:10 No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.
1450 01:06:12 - All right. Here we are.- Sick! We're this close?
1451 01:06:15 Yeah. Pretty good, right?Megan, you sit down right there.
1452 01:06:18 Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.
1453 01:06:20 And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
1454 01:06:23 I could only get four in a row.I couldn't get five.
1455 01:06:25 So you're across the aisle,next to that gentleman.
1456 01:06:29 All right, guys, I'll be right here.
1457 01:06:30 - We can still chat.- Bye, Daddy.
1458 01:06:33 Look, there's Kobe! It's him!He's right there.
1459 01:06:37 Thank you, Brad, this is the best presentI've ever gotten.
1460 01:06:40 - You are so welcome.- In my whole life.
1461 01:06:42 I'm glad to hear it's thebest present you've ever got!
1462 01:06:46 How much did these seats cost?
1463 01:06:47 Not too much.
1464 01:06:48 Ladies and gentlemen,let's give a big welcome
1465 01:06:50 to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.
1466 01:06:53 Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!
1467 01:06:55 Proud of you, you're all miracles!
1468 01:06:58 I love kids!
1469 01:06:59 All right, honey. That's plenty.
1470 01:07:01 I just get excitedwhen I'm with my family!
1471 01:07:03 Dusty! Dusty Mayron!
1472 01:07:06 Marco? Hey!
1473 01:07:08 What's up, man? Are you coaching now?
1474 01:07:10 Yeah, I'm the new strengthand conditioning coach.
1475 01:07:11 - Man.- Check you out.
1476 01:07:12 Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.
1477 01:07:14 This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.
1478 01:07:16 He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.
1479 01:07:18 Really? Come on down. I'll introduce you.
1480 01:07:20 - What?- What? You hear that?
1481 01:07:21 You want to meet Kobe?
1482 01:07:22 Bring the whole family down.
1483 01:07:23 You guys can sit with the team.
1484 01:07:25 Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.
1485 01:07:26 She just invited me to her firstDaddy-Daughter Dance.
1486 01:07:28 - So sweet.- What did he just say?
1487 01:07:31 What the hell did he just say?
1488 01:07:33 Sorry. He's okay.
1489 01:07:34 No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.
1490 01:07:36 - Honey, you need to calm down.- No! I'm not gonna calm down.
1491 01:07:38 She asked me first!
1492 01:07:40 And now she's asking him?No. It's not fair.
1493 01:07:42 Actually, it's very fair.Okay? She has two dads.
1494 01:07:44 She wants you both there.You just have to accept that.
1495 01:07:47 No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?
1496 01:07:49 I do pick-up! I do drop-off!
1497 01:07:52 Okay, I volunteer at school!
1498 01:07:53 I listen to the tantrums and the crying
1499 01:07:55 and the soundtrack of Frozenthat's on a goddamn loop all the time!
1500 01:07:59 And he just waltzes in for a few days,and now he gets to go as well? No!
1501 01:08:04 No, she's got to choose.It's either me or him!
1502 01:08:07 Megan, you got to choose!
1503 01:08:09 - You got to choose!- Hey!
1504 01:08:10 It's the biggest decision of your life!
1505 01:08:12 Hey!
1506 01:08:14 You know what? I'm going to pretendyou're not acting like a crazy person,
1507 01:08:16 because I know you're very upset.
1508 01:08:19 But you need to get over yourself. Okay?
1509 01:08:21 Now go down there andbe happy with your kids.
1510 01:08:23 No! A scalper gouged me 18 grandfor these seats. I'm not leaving them!
1511 01:08:27 What?
1512 01:08:30 What did you just say?
1513 01:08:31 Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.
1514 01:08:35 I'm so much more relaxed now. Thank you.
1515 01:08:37 Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...
1516 01:08:39 No!
1517 01:08:40 I think you should sitin your $18,000 seats,
1518 01:08:43 and think of all the better waysyour family could have used that money.
1519 01:08:48 Sara.
1520 01:08:51 The guy from the nuclear sub thing?
1521 01:08:52 - Mayron! That's him.- That's the guy?
1522 01:08:54 Can I get some beers down here?Can I get five beers?
1523 01:08:58 Excuse me, some beers!
1524 01:09:37 What's up, everybody?
1525 01:09:39 Let's make some noise!
1526 01:09:43 Tonight, one lucky fan is going to
1527 01:09:47 get a chance to shoot from half court
1528 01:09:50 to win a family vacation to Disney World!
1529 01:09:57 And our lucky fan is sitting in
1530 01:10:00 section 113,
1531 01:10:03 row 6,
1532 01:10:05 C-1. Where is he?Let's see it. Where is he?
1533 01:10:08 It's me. It's me, I win!
1534 01:10:10 - There he is.- I win.
1535 01:10:13 I'm-a make it to Disneyland.I'm-a make it all right.
1536 01:10:15 - All right, Brad!- Yay, Brad!
1537 01:10:17 Yay, Brad!
1538 01:10:18 All right, sir, how you doing?What's your name?
1539 01:10:20 First off, I love my kids.
1540 01:10:23 He loves his kids! Let's give it up!
1541 01:10:27 And if anyone was everto do anything to them,
1542 01:10:31 - I would hurt them.- Okay.
1543 01:10:33 I would freakin' hurt them!
1544 01:10:36 Okay.
1545 01:10:38 This guy over here is trying to take them!
1546 01:10:40 Trying to steal my family.
1547 01:10:42 He doesn't sweat!
1548 01:10:45 Okay, you know what?Why don't we just shoot...
1549 01:10:46 But I got news for you, buddy!
1550 01:10:48 Last night, while you were sleeping,I made love to our wife!
1551 01:10:53 - Okay.- My wife!
1552 01:10:55 Sara, right over there!
1553 01:10:58 Took my wiener out of my pants!
1554 01:11:00 This is a family event, okay?
1555 01:11:02 - Boo! Boo!- All right.
1556 01:11:03 So,
1557 01:11:05 even if Sara does pick you,you're going to have to be
1558 01:11:09 the stepdad to my kid!
1559 01:11:11 You see how you like it! Okay?
1560 01:11:13 Let's get somebody else down here,all right? Somebody else...
1561 01:11:16 Somebody else is going to wina family trip!
1562 01:11:18 Give me that ball, you.
1563 01:11:20 This one's for Dylan and Meganand Sara and Dylan.
1564 01:11:23 Nothing but net.
1565 01:11:25 All right, he's going for it!Nothing but net!
1566 01:11:36 Do-over!
1567 01:11:37 - That's a do-over!- No do-over. No.
1568 01:11:38 It's a do-over!
1569 01:12:04 I'm so sorry you had to see that.I'm so sorry.
1570 01:12:43 Hey, kids, why don't you go insideand put on your pajamas?
1571 01:12:49 - What are you doing?- I'm comforting you.
1572 01:12:53 Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.
1573 01:12:57 But I just want you to knowthat I'm here for you and the kids.
1574 01:12:59 Really? You want to bea real parent now? Is that what this is?
1575 01:13:02 Absolutely. I'm here now.
1576 01:13:03 Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.
1577 01:13:05 With Brad gone, the kidsare gonna have to be dropped off,
1578 01:13:08 picked up, taken to swimming lessons.
1579 01:13:10 Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,
1580 01:13:12 and Megan has a dentistappointment on Friday.
1581 01:13:15 Sara, I know in the pastI've been unreliable,
1582 01:13:18 but this is a new me. All right?This is the new Dusty.
1583 01:13:21 Well, you can't take themto school on a motorcycle.
1584 01:13:24 - You need a car.- Done.
1585 01:13:26 Okay.
1586 01:13:30 Hey! You're not staying here!
1587 01:13:32 Are you sure you don't needcompany right now?
1588 01:13:33 I mean, you're going througha tough transition here.
1589 01:13:35 Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
1590 01:13:36 Can I at least come in and get my stuff?
1591 01:13:38 No!
1592 01:13:39 I'm gonna wait for a while,in case you change your mind.
1593 01:13:46 Hey.
1594 01:13:49 What did you throw Griff out for?
1595 01:13:53 This place is chaotic.
1596 01:13:55 There's always some bullshitgoing on in that house.
1597 01:13:57 God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?
1598 01:13:59 Let's do it.
1599 01:14:00 Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
1600 01:14:01 Yes, sir.
1601 01:14:27 Okay. No running!
1602 01:14:29 All right. Lindsey! Sloane!Car's open right down there!
1603 01:14:31 Okay, sir, inside the cones!Just like ice cream!
1604 01:14:35 Keep it inside...
1605 01:14:36 That's right! Thank you.
1606 01:14:44 Hi. I see you've been picking upMegan and Dylan these past few days.
1607 01:14:47 Should I expect you from now on?
1608 01:14:48 I'm their real dad, so yeah, from now on.
1609 01:14:51 Terrific. I see that you also haven'tsigned up to volunteer in the lane.
1610 01:14:55 Brad was so good abouthelping us out in the lane,
1611 01:14:58 in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.
1612 01:15:00 We could always count on himfor bake sales, Spring Sing,
1613 01:15:02 costumes for Winter Pageant.You know the drill.
1614 01:15:04 I hope I can count on youto be the new Brad.
1615 01:15:06 Sure, yeah. You can count on me.
1616 01:15:08 I mean, I'm their real dad,so, yeah, I'll be here every day.
1617 01:15:11 Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,I'm gonna need you to circle around
1618 01:15:14 to the back of the line. Okay?
1619 01:15:15 - No, I can't go around.- Thanks.
1620 01:15:17 I came ten minutes earlyso I don't have to...
1621 01:15:18 If your kids aren't here,you have to go around!
1622 01:15:21 I know. There's somebodyin front of me. Okay?
1623 01:15:22 Just go around!
1624 01:15:24 I can't just go over thecones! I'm boxed in here!
1625 01:15:26 - Go around!- No, you can't! Okay?
1626 01:15:28 She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!
1627 01:15:29 Go around!
1628 01:15:31 Inside the cones!
1629 01:15:32 Amanda has got a recital!
1630 01:15:34 I have to get there! You need to go!
1631 01:15:43 Hey!
1632 01:15:44 We always stay inside the cones!
1633 01:15:47 Cones!
1634 01:15:50 Cones! Come on!
1635 01:15:56 Have you been living herefor the last few days, Brad?
1636 01:15:59 No.
1637 01:16:01 Then what's with the blanketsand the hot plate
1638 01:16:06 and the B.O.?
1639 01:16:08 I crapped in the wastebasket.
1640 01:16:12 You know, Brad, two yearsinto my thing with Charlene,
1641 01:16:16 her first husband showed up.Oriental fellow.
1642 01:16:19 You can't say that.You cannot say "Oriental."
1643 01:16:22 His name was Yu or Wu.It could have been Javier.
1644 01:16:26 Anyway, I get off early one day,get home, and
1645 01:16:30 there he is, stark naked in our bed.
1646 01:16:32 I didn't know what to think.
1647 01:16:33 Really? You didn't know what to think?
1648 01:16:36 Six months later,I wake up in a Chinese prison
1649 01:16:40 with a tattoo on my lower back
1650 01:16:42 of a golf ball rollingtowards my butthole.
1651 01:16:45 I can't hear these stories anymore.
1652 01:16:47 I'm sorry. I know they'resupposed to help...
1653 01:16:49 Griff! What are you doing here?
1654 01:16:51 Thought you should knowDusty came by the bar earlier.
1655 01:16:54 He was talking about howhe can't do the daddy thing.
1656 01:16:56 I tried to talk some sense into him, buthe seemed determined to get out of town.
1657 01:16:59 What, he's leaving?
1658 01:17:00 I don't think I have to tell you,but little Megan's dance is tonight,
1659 01:17:03 and she's not going to have a daddy.
1660 01:17:05 That's fantastic. Brad, you win.
1661 01:17:08 And Dusty, because ofan act of cowardice, loses.
1662 01:17:12 I mean, you're the daddy again.
1663 01:17:14 Come on, hit that.
1664 01:17:20 No, I'm not her daddy.
1665 01:17:23 I wish more than anything I was,
1666 01:17:27 but I'm not.
1667 01:17:28 Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dadwouldn't give up on his kids so easy.
1668 01:17:42 Griff!
1669 01:17:43 Wait!
1670 01:17:45 He's still in the room, Brad.
1671 01:17:47 Hey.
1672 01:17:49 Sorry. I thought you stormed out.
1673 01:17:52 What you said sounded like a storm-out,and then I heard the door close.
1674 01:17:56 I just thought that shitwas getting kind of personal,
1675 01:17:57 so it'd be good to close the door.
1676 01:17:59 So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.
1677 01:18:03 And just so you know where my head was at,
1678 01:18:07 I was going to chase youdown the hallway. Right?
1679 01:18:09 You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,"Is someone after... What's going on?"
1680 01:18:12 It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!
1681 01:18:17 "You were right."
1682 01:18:18 Holy shit! That would be so uplifting.
1683 01:18:23 Can we do that?
1684 01:18:25 Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,you go after him?
1685 01:18:27 I don't really want any part of that.
1686 01:18:29 That sounds like pure nonsense to me.
1687 01:18:32 I don't want... I'd rather not.
1688 01:18:35 We could just try it.
1689 01:18:37 No, that sounds forced and weird to try to
1690 01:18:41 recreate something. Not even recreate.
1691 01:18:44 It would be creating. It didn't happen.
1692 01:18:46 It's over-discussed at this point.
1693 01:18:48 Shouldn't you go see your kid?
1694 01:18:49 - Yeah. Yeah.- All right.
1695 01:18:51 You guys go. Brad, can I come?
1696 01:18:52 No.
1697 01:19:07 Daddy's not coming, is he?
1698 01:19:09 Honey, he'll be here. He promised.
1699 01:19:14 I see cupcakes over there.
1700 01:19:17 I think you should go eat some. Go on.
1701 01:19:21 Go eat a lot of sugar.
1702 01:19:37 Dusty.
1703 01:19:40 - Nope.- Come on, Dusty.
1704 01:19:42 Where are you going?
1705 01:19:43 I'd pay a billion dollarsto take her to that dance.
1706 01:19:46 - You're just gonna leave?- You take her then.
1707 01:19:48 I can't take her. Okay?I'm not welcome after I said
1708 01:19:50 I was gonna put a spite babyin her mother.
1709 01:19:52 - I guess that's out, then.- Yeah, that is out.
1710 01:19:54 So it's gotta be you.
1711 01:19:56 I'm sorry, Brad,I just can't do it, all right?
1712 01:19:59 What do you mean, you can't do it?
1713 01:20:00 I can't stay inside the cones.
1714 01:20:02 Look, Dusty, the cones arethere for everyone's safety.
1715 01:20:04 - It's not about the cones.- You just said it was.
1716 01:20:07 The cones are a metaphor, Brad.
1717 01:20:09 I'm not the domestic type, okay?
1718 01:20:11 Dusty, come on.What are you talking about?
1719 01:20:13 You're organized, you're handy.
1720 01:20:15 You make the best cinnamon rollsI have ever tasted.
1721 01:20:18 Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.
1722 01:20:19 You can't make rolls like thatin a conventional oven.
1723 01:20:21 I knew it! I knew it.I knew it from the beginning!
1724 01:20:25 So you've been tellingsome tall tales, huh?
1725 01:20:26 - All that Special Ops stuff.- No, just the Cinnabons!
1726 01:20:29 Why would you lie about Cinnabons?
1727 01:20:30 'Cause I wanted to win. All right?
1728 01:20:32 I wanted to prove thatI was a good dad, too, but I'm not.
1729 01:20:35 Okay? Are you happy?Is that what you want to hear?
1730 01:20:37 All the noise and the messand all the choices.
1731 01:20:39 You do one thing wrong,you can screw them up for life.
1732 01:20:41 - Do you realize that?- Yeah.
1733 01:20:44 Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?
1734 01:20:46 And we blow most of them.
1735 01:20:47 Yeah, and the other parents.
1736 01:20:48 That kid, Eli. I was over therefor a play date. You know about this?
1737 01:20:51 You can't just ride your bikeover to a friend's house,
1738 01:20:53 to play Hot Wheels anymore,now you got to make some kind of date?
1739 01:20:55 - I know, it's a shame.- Well, I'm over there,
1740 01:20:57 and the kid's dad keeps asking me if Dylan'sgonna be in the gifted program with Eli.
1741 01:21:00 Like Dylan isn't as smart ashis little ball-scratcher kid.
1742 01:21:02 I wanted to murder that smug prick.
1743 01:21:04 Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?
1744 01:21:07 But his son is Dylan's best friend,so you suck it up.
1745 01:21:11 I mean, that's most ofwhat dads do, is take shit.
1746 01:21:17 I mean, that's what we do.
1747 01:21:19 I can't do it, Brad.I can't take shit like you do.
1748 01:21:22 You take shit better thananyone I've ever met,
1749 01:21:24 and I mean that as a complimentfrom the bottom of my heart.
1750 01:21:26 - Thank you.- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.
1751 01:21:28 I can't do it, man.
1752 01:21:30 You made a promise to Megan,and you're gonna keep it.
1753 01:21:41 Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?
1754 01:21:43 Yes.
1755 01:21:44 Knowing full well I got no choicebut to bust you up now?
1756 01:21:47 I really wish you wouldn't.
1757 01:21:49 If I did, you'd take that beatdownfor those kids, wouldn't you?
1758 01:21:53 Yeah. Yeah, I would.
1759 01:22:04 - Come on.- Good luck, Dusty.
1760 01:22:07 What? No, no, you gotta come.
1761 01:22:09 It's just... I can't see Saraafter what I said.
1762 01:22:13 Sara loves you, Brad. All right?I know just what to say to her.
1763 01:22:15 You just stand thereand look lost without her.
1764 01:22:17 - I am lost without her.- That's good. Then let's go.
1765 01:22:20 - But I look terrible.- Yeah, you do. Come here.
1766 01:22:22 - What are you doing?- I'm fixing you up, man.
1767 01:22:27 Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.
1768 01:22:28 Calm down. Think I want totouch your little dinky?
1769 01:22:31 I'm trying to fix you up.
1770 01:22:33 All right. Let me see.
1771 01:22:37 Wow. I look great.
1772 01:22:39 Here you go.
1773 01:22:41 - That's incredible.- Come on.
1774 01:22:49 Hey, pumpkin.
1775 01:22:50 Daddy wanted to be here,I know he did. He just gets...
1776 01:23:09 She's doing her arms-folded thing.
1777 01:23:11 You said she'd smile.Maybe even start a slow clap.
1778 01:23:15 Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.
1779 01:23:18 Hey, look, it's the guy thatstranded his kids at school.
1780 01:23:21 And look who he's with.
1781 01:23:22 Did you get anybody pregnanton your way over here, Brad?
1782 01:23:24 No, I didn't.
1783 01:23:26 - Sara, listen...- No!
1784 01:23:27 - Sara, please.- No. I am not going to listen to you.
1785 01:23:29 You know what? Your daughter's beensitting there for two hours, heartbroken.
1786 01:23:32 Sara, I am so sorry...
1787 01:23:35 Just, please. Will one of you idiotsjust ask your daughter to dance?
1788 01:23:39 - Really?- Yes.
1789 01:23:41 Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.
1790 01:23:46 - Go ahead, Dusty.- No, you take the first one.
1791 01:23:48 You've earned it more than I have.
1792 01:23:49 Dusty, please, she's your daughter.
1793 01:23:51 What the hell did I miss?
1794 01:23:53 I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for youto the kids and I'll take the first dance.
1795 01:23:57 I'll say my good-byes,and then I'll get out of your hair.
1796 01:24:02 Wait, wait. When you say"get out of your hair,"
1797 01:24:04 you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?
1798 01:24:06 Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.
1799 01:24:09 They're picking on Dylan again.
1800 01:24:11 That's it.Those little shitheads are dead.
1801 01:24:13 Where are they?
1802 01:24:16 Those are the fourth graders?
1803 01:24:18 - They're girls.- They're so mean.
1804 01:24:20 Why are you even hereat the Daddy-Daughter Dance?
1805 01:24:22 Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?
1806 01:24:24 Are you too scared to take me onwithout your little friends?
1807 01:24:27 No, he's calling out the big one.
1808 01:24:29 No, no, no.
1809 01:24:31 Come on!
1810 01:24:33 Dylan!
1811 01:24:34 Yes!
1812 01:24:36 - Dylan, what are you doing?- Did you see? Did you see?
1813 01:24:39 I punched her in the face,just like you taught me.
1814 01:24:40 - What?- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.
1815 01:24:42 You like that, bitch?
1816 01:24:44 - No, no, no!- You want some more, bitch?
1817 01:24:46 Sweetheart, what happened?What's going on here?
1818 01:24:48 He punched me in the face.
1819 01:24:50 Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.
1820 01:24:52 Then he called me the "B" word.
1821 01:24:53 Who did, him?
1822 01:24:55 He did. I saw it.He said they taught him to hit girls.
1823 01:24:57 No, no. We thoughtyour daughter was a boy.
1824 01:24:59 - What?- No, what he means is that
1825 01:25:01 Dylan told us that a fourth graderwas picking on him,
1826 01:25:02 but he didn't tell us it was a girl.
1827 01:25:04 Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told youit's never okay to hit a girl.
1828 01:25:06 And that she's probably only bugging youbecause she likes you, buddy.
1829 01:25:09 I do not like him.
1830 01:25:11 I think she likes him.
1831 01:25:12 Gross, whatever.
1832 01:25:14 She totally does.
1833 01:25:16 Are you calling my daughter a whore?
1834 01:25:17 - What?- They were implying it, Jerry.
1835 01:25:19 Wait. That's quite a stretch.
1836 01:25:20 Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.
1837 01:25:22 Wait, first of all, which oneof you two is the kid's dad?
1838 01:25:25 They both are.
1839 01:25:27 Oh, my gosh. Wow!
1840 01:25:30 I'm sorry. That's the first timehe's ever referred to me as Dad.
1841 01:25:33 It's something I've wanted to hearfor a long time, so it's a bit poignant.
1842 01:25:37 I tend to cry a lot
1843 01:25:40 when things get emotional.They tease me all the time.
1844 01:25:43 - I'm actually the stepdad.- Is that right?
1845 01:25:45 So you're the real dad!
1846 01:25:47 Hey. You don't want toembarrass yourself, buddy.
1847 01:25:49 You threatening me now, tough guy?
1848 01:25:51 - He's threatening you, Jerry.- Nobody's threatening anybody.
1849 01:25:53 But you're gonna want toback that up, Jerry.
1850 01:25:55 And you, Squidward tie.Quit being an instigator,
1851 01:25:56 or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.
1852 01:25:59 Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.
1853 01:26:01 We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.
1854 01:26:03 You stay out of it, all right?You don't count!
1855 01:26:05 I want to talk to the real dad here.
1856 01:26:06 Hey, Brad here is more ofa real dad than any of us.
1857 01:26:09 You ever want to see how you should beraising your kids, go look at this guy.
1858 01:26:12 Here I go again. What did I tell you?
1859 01:26:15 - Really? You mean that?- Yes, I do, Brad.
1860 01:26:18 You're a great dad.
1861 01:26:23 - Like that?- You shouldn't have done that.
1862 01:26:24 Yeah? Why?
1863 01:26:25 I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.
1864 01:26:27 He's been rather vague with me,but that's what I'm kind of surmising.
1865 01:26:31 - Are we gonna do this?- We're gonna do it.
1866 01:26:32 - Okay. You ready?- Yeah, I'm ready.
1867 01:26:34 - This is what you get.- Daddy.
1868 01:26:46 Want another one? Come on in.
1869 01:26:51 What's going on?
1870 01:26:55 Is this like some UFC shit?
1871 01:26:56 Come on, Brad.
1872 01:26:57 That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.
1873 01:26:59 Yeah. So dance, Jerry!
1874 01:27:06 Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!
1875 01:27:10 You just got a piping hot serving.
1876 01:27:11 I'm not getting served.You're getting served!
1877 01:27:14 You don't know this about me, Jerry,but I like to move my body.
1878 01:27:19 Get it, Brad!
1879 01:27:27 Yeah! Yeah, Brad!
1880 01:27:32 This is a dance! Let's go!
1881 01:27:52 Am I the only one with my shirt off?
1882 01:27:56 You know you can't leave, right?
1883 01:27:58 You want me to stay?
1884 01:27:59 These guys are growing up so fast.You don't want to miss it.
1885 01:28:03 You're sweating profusely.
1886 01:28:05 - I know. I sweat a lot.- That's cool.
1887 01:28:09 Thank you.
1888 01:28:43 So Dusty did stay.
1889 01:28:46 And with the huge amount of moneyhe was making as the voice of The Panda,
1890 01:28:49 he built his own new castleright down the street.
1891 01:28:53 Hey!
1892 01:28:55 But we kept Tumor because he didn'tget along with Dusty's new puppy.
1893 01:29:00 It turns out Tumor was only five...
1894 01:29:03 ...so we're going to have himfor a long, long time.
1895 01:29:06 Tumor!
1896 01:29:08 And I was more than a little surprised
1897 01:29:10 when Dusty showed up one daywith his new wife
1898 01:29:14 and his new stepdaughter.
1899 01:29:15 This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.
1900 01:29:17 - Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.- Want to go play?
1901 01:29:19 That's your brother and sister.You guys play nice, okay?
1902 01:29:21 Hey, hon. Who's at the door?
1903 01:29:22 Hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.
1904 01:29:24 Is it... Your wife?
1905 01:29:26 That Karen, wow, she is so great.
1906 01:29:30 It turns out she's
1907 01:29:32 a doctor and a celebratednovelist. I mean...
1908 01:29:36 Hon, would you...
1909 01:29:37 - Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff.- He's so cute.
1910 01:29:41 And I was so surprised whenI found out that we're the same age.
1911 01:29:46 I mean, she looks so young, right?
1912 01:29:48 Good for her!
1913 01:29:50 Honey, you look amazing tonight.
1914 01:29:52 What are you talking about?
1915 01:29:53 It's just my normal clothes.That's how I look.
1916 01:29:56 I just got ready really fast.
1917 01:29:58 Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.
1918 01:30:00 You want to come to Daddy?
1919 01:30:01 What, you think I'm going topick his pockets or something?
1920 01:30:03 - No.- He doesn't carry a wallet.
1921 01:30:05 Sweetie, be careful with that knife, okay?
1922 01:30:06 You're not my dad.
1923 01:30:08 Brad was right.
1924 01:30:10 Being a stepdad isn't always easy.
1925 01:30:11 But he was also right that it's worth it.
1926 01:30:14 And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.
1927 01:30:16 It's a great family car.
1928 01:30:18 Got plenty of room for the kids,gear, and plenty of pickup for me.
1929 01:30:21 I got the Weekender package.
1930 01:30:23 A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,but Brad doesn't need to know that.
1931 01:30:28 Daddy!
1932 01:30:31 Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...
1933 01:30:52 - Did you just gulp?- No.
1934 01:30:54 I heard a gulp.
1935 01:30:56 Well, a little bit, maybe.
1936 01:30:57 - Sure.- There you are.
1937 01:30:59 He's a lot bigger than you.
1938 01:31:00 He's got legs for arms.
1939 01:31:03 Little star, guess what?
1940 01:31:05 I like him. I like him a lot.
1941 01:31:07 Yeah. I bet you he'sgoing to like us, too.
1942 01:31:09 Remember, Loving Fence. Just go say hi.
1943 01:31:12 Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.
1944 01:31:15 Hey. You must be Roger.
1945 01:31:16 Nope.