仓皇一夜 (Rough Night)(EN)Subtitles
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1 00:00:43 Woman, you know you're a woman
2 00:00:45 You got to be...
3 00:00:47 -There she is. Hey. -Hi, guys.
4 00:00:50 All right, baby girl. You go, baby girl.
5 00:00:52 You go, baby girl. You go, you go get it.
6 00:00:54 Yes!
7 00:00:57 -You're my baby... -Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba...
8 00:00:59 No, no, no, don't make it.
9 00:01:00 -Oh! -Damn it!
10 00:01:02 Oh... Yes!
11 00:01:04 -Nope. I absolute... -I got this. I got this.
12 00:01:07 -I absolutely can't do it. -Come on, Jess!
13 00:01:08 But remember, this is a stupid frat boy ritual, so...
14 00:01:11 Yeah, but kick their ass!
15 00:01:12 -Yeah, fuck 'em up! -Hey.
16 00:01:13 -We're together. -No.
17 00:01:14 Cool, cool, cool.
18 00:01:18 Yes.
19 00:01:20 Yeah, go, Jess!
20 00:01:23 Dude!
21 00:01:25 Oh, God. Oh, God, Jess.
22 00:01:28 Only two cups left.
23 00:01:30 No, there's one cup. You're just seeing double.
24 00:01:32 Oh, God! There's only one cups left.
25 00:01:35 -Oh, I can't do it. It's too much pressure. -What?
26 00:01:37 -I can't do it, Jess. -Look...
27 00:01:38 -Look at me. Look at me. -Mmm-hmm?
28 00:01:40 You got us through the Wendy's drive-through
29 00:01:42 when my car had no windshield and three tires.
30 00:01:44 You can do anything.
31 00:01:46 Yeah, but everybody's watching me,
32 00:01:47 and I'm sweating like crazy.
33 00:01:49 I look like a princess, but I smell like a peasant.
34 00:01:52 Let's go, foot job girl!
35 00:01:55 Excuse me, she has a name! It's Alice.
36 00:01:58 And she's my best friend, and she's good and kind.
37 00:02:02 Yeah!
38 00:02:03 Thank you, but I did jerk off his roommate with my feet.
39 00:02:06 I... I know.
40 00:02:08 The key is, right foot only for, like, a while.
41 00:02:11 -You know? Make him beg for... -The left one. I know. Focus!
42 00:02:15 If we win this, we will be the only girls to ever win the Halloween tournament.
43 00:02:20 We've got to do this.
44 00:02:22 For womankind.
45 00:02:28 Stop making me horny, and shoot!
46 00:02:31 Everybody in this bitch gettin' tipsy...
47 00:02:44 We did it! We did it! We did it!
48 00:02:46 -I want up! I want up! I want up! -You deserve it.
49 00:02:48 You've earned it.
50 00:02:52 Here we go. All right. All right, yes!
51 00:02:57 I'm the king of the world!
52 00:02:59 Oh!
53 00:03:02 Oh. Again?
54 00:03:04 -Dude. Oh, God. -Jess?
55 00:03:05 Are you all right?
56 00:03:06 -Oh, my God, are you okay? -Dude. Come on. Come on.
57 00:03:09 -I'm fine, Mom. -Oh, my God.
58 00:03:13 What happened?
59 00:03:16 Honestly, I don't even know why we go to these stupid parties.
60 00:03:18 I just want to hang out with you guys.
61 00:03:19 -I know. I feel the same way. -Yes!
62 00:03:20 Everyone else at this college is sloppy and gross.
63 00:03:23 -Water. -Wait, come here.
64 00:03:25 Oh.
65 00:03:26 -Ugh! -Mmm. Not bad.
66 00:03:28 Who's grosser?
67 00:03:29 What is that?
68 00:03:31 -What is that? -What's happening?
69 00:03:32 Oh, it's my vibrator, it randomly turns on and off.
70 00:03:39 Oh, my God, you guys, I'm gonna miss you so much next semester.
71 00:03:43 -I don't want to talk about it. -It's sad.
72 00:03:45 -No, no, no, no. -Dude,
73 00:03:46 Al Gore is guest-lecturing next semester.
74 00:03:48 Maybe you don't want to go to Australia. I don't know.
75 00:03:50 -Yeah. -On my 21st birthday, though,
76 00:03:52 my dad's getting us the chopper.
77 00:03:54 I said I don't want to talk about it.
78 00:03:55 So I don't know what's happening.
79 00:03:57 I don't even want to go. I just...
80 00:03:58 It was so hard to get into the political science program.
81 00:04:01 And plus, my gym class is bungee jumping, so...
82 00:04:04 Oh, my God, wear a good bra.
83 00:04:05 Well, look, we'll have all of senior year together,
84 00:04:08 and then we'll have the rest of our lives together, so it's fine.
85 00:04:11 -Yeah. -You promise?
86 00:04:13 You guys, our kids are gonna play together.
87 00:04:16 -Oh, my God! -Oh, my gosh!
88 00:04:18 -We're so lucky! -Get in here! Come here.
89 00:04:20 Oh. Mmm!
90 00:04:22 -Okay, that is a second vibrator. -Yeah, I have a few.
91 00:04:25 Just... Just, yeah.
92 00:04:28 -No! -Janine, no!
93 00:04:29 -No! No! No! -Janine, get out!
94 00:04:31 -Come on. -Janine!
95 00:04:32 Oh, my God! Stop!
96 00:04:34 -Bathroom is next-door! -Cannot believe!
97 00:04:35 -Every damn weekend with this! -Stop! She's already peeing.
98 00:04:37 Janine!
99 00:04:39 Whoo!
100 00:04:41 What! What!
101 00:04:47 Hi. I'm Jessica Thayer, and I'm running for state senate.
102 00:04:51 Crime, underfunded schools, sewage.
103 00:04:55 These are real problems that our community is facing.
104 00:04:58 Looking forward to your vote on November 3.
105 00:05:02 Thank you.
106 00:05:05 -It's great. -Well, 6Ø% of the focus group
107 00:05:08 did say that it seemed like you wouldn't put out.
108 00:05:10 What? Why are they being asked that?
109 00:05:13 Don't know, but 6Ø% is, like, a lot.
110 00:05:16 -Yeah. -We're still so close.
111 00:05:17 I don't understand, Wesson literally tweeted out a dick pic.
112 00:05:21 He apologized.
113 00:05:22 Yes. He said, "I'm sorry, wrong dick pic,"
114 00:05:25 and then he tweeted out another one.
115 00:05:27 Look, if Wesson wins, he's literally gonna cut every single program
116 00:05:31 that actually helps people.
117 00:05:32 We know that. Right?
118 00:05:34 But people want to vote for someone they can relate to.
119 00:05:36 They feel safe with Wesson.
120 00:05:38 They want to have a beer with him.
121 00:05:39 I'm not sure anyone wants to have a beer with that.
122 00:05:47 Oh.
123 00:05:50 Hey, Alice.
124 00:05:51 Hey. I am so excited for this trip.
125 00:05:54 I got my IUD taken out for Miami.
126 00:05:56 Um, is that a good idea?
127 00:05:58 Uh, yeah. It's your bachelorette weekend.
128 00:06:00 Jess, Wesson tweeted out another dick pic,
129 00:06:02 and it's already got 10,0ØØ retweets.
130 00:06:04 Alice, I... I got to call you back.
131 00:06:09 Tulum, give her back her Kindle!
132 00:06:12 Every fuckin' day.
133 00:06:20 -Hey. -Mmm. Hey.
134 00:06:23 I'm so sorry. I got stuck at the office.
135 00:06:26 It's okay.
136 00:06:28 Mmm.
137 00:06:29 -I got you chicken cashew nut, extra nut. -Oh, no.
138 00:06:33 I ate an apple
139 00:06:34 and a bag of very, very stale pretzels at the office.
140 00:06:38 It was so hard to get extra nut.
141 00:06:40 That woman is so mean. She yells at me all the time.
142 00:06:43 She thought I hung up, but I heard her call me a dipshit.
143 00:06:44 -How much did you tip? -2Ø%.
144 00:06:48 -I know. I know, I know. -Yeah. Like, I couldn't. I...
145 00:06:51 You're just such a good person.
146 00:06:54 Oh, it's Alice. I forgot to call her back.
147 00:06:56 -It's okay, get it. -No. I can't, I can't, I can't.
148 00:06:58 -Enough with my bachelorette itinerary. -Ah.
149 00:07:01 -Like, she's planned it to the half hour. -Wow.
150 00:07:02 Yeah, I feel like this weekend has come at the worst possible time.
151 00:07:06 I'm so stressed out.
152 00:07:08 You'll see your friends, you'll have fun.
153 00:07:09 It'll be restorative.
154 00:07:11 Like that time we took Xanax and slept for 16 hours.
155 00:07:13 Oh, God, that was good.
156 00:07:15 You know, I love those girls,
157 00:07:16 but I really just don't want to have a party weekend right now.
158 00:07:19 -Mmm-hmm. -I want to have a weekend with you.
159 00:07:22 -I miss you. -Mmm-hmm. I miss you, too.
160 00:07:24 -You've been at the office, like, nonstop. -I know.
161 00:07:26 Mmm.
162 00:07:29 Mmm. Mmm.
163 00:07:32 Wait, wait, one... If we keep kissing,
164 00:07:34 I'm gonna want to have sex.
165 00:07:35 I'm okay with that.
166 00:07:36 -I'm down. -Okay.
167 00:07:38 But I have, like, four things I have to do before.
168 00:07:42 I just have to print out those itineraries for the city council meeting.
169 00:07:44 And I have to email the Herald.
170 00:07:46 I have, like, a 25-minute-ish interview.
171 00:07:50 -Ooh. Okay. -I...
172 00:07:51 I tell you what, I'm gonna let you do all that,
173 00:07:54 and I'm gonna go masturbate in the shower and go to sleep.
174 00:07:57 -Really? -Yeah.
175 00:07:59 -You're the best. -Well...
176 00:08:01 -I love you. -I love you, too.
177 00:08:06 -So, I texted you the address. -Jess! Shots! Shots!
178 00:08:09 Shots, shots, shots, shots! Shots! Shots!
179 00:08:11 Shots, shots, shots!
180 00:08:13 Yay! Yes!
181 00:08:17 Oh, my God.
182 00:08:18 -What's on my head? -This is it.
183 00:08:20 Your bachelorette weekend.
184 00:08:22 I have been waiting for this moment since the first day of freshman year.
185 00:08:26 -Get in here. -You have?
186 00:08:28 Oh, my God, there's gonna be so many hot Miami babes.
187 00:08:31 We are gonna be swimmin' in dick, girl!
188 00:08:34 Hi, Alice.
189 00:08:35 -Peter. Hi. -Hey.
190 00:08:37 And get out of here, she's mine now.
191 00:08:40 Don't get in too much trouble, okay?
192 00:08:42 -Yeah, I won't. -Let's go, let's do it.
193 00:08:45 Drive safe. Have fun at your bachelor party, okay?
194 00:08:46 Will do.
195 00:08:47 Hey, Alice, be careful swimming in all that dick.
196 00:08:49 What are you? Okay, bye.
197 00:08:51 I'm so happy to see you.
198 00:08:53 Oh, this weekend's gonna be so much fun.
199 00:08:55 Can't wait to see my girls!
200 00:08:58 When the pepper spray hits your face, and it will,
201 00:09:01 keep your mouth closed tight.
202 00:09:03 -We are peaceful protestors. -Yes!
203 00:09:05 Yet we fight, you know? Yet we are strong!
204 00:09:08 -Yeah! Yeah! -This is war!
205 00:09:10 Okay, I got to head to a bachelorette.
206 00:09:13 But if anybody from the group disappears from the protest,
207 00:09:16 you text my cell phone immediately.
208 00:09:19 You have a cell phone?
209 00:09:21 -Uh, no. -You're one of them!
210 00:09:24 I'll pick you up after school on Monday, okay, sweetie?
211 00:09:27 Mommy, do you have to go to Miami?
212 00:09:29 Yes, I really do.
213 00:09:32 But I'm gonna miss you so much.
214 00:09:34 Technically, my time started 2Ø minutes ago,
215 00:09:37 so, going to note this for the custody hearing.
216 00:09:41 Mmm. I love you. Mwah! Mwah!
217 00:09:45 Bye.
218 00:09:55 Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga
219 00:09:57 I know you can't control yourself any longer...
220 00:10:02 Well, well, well.
221 00:10:05 Damn.
222 00:10:06 Damn.
223 00:10:08 How do you do it?
224 00:10:09 How do you look this flawless getting off a plane?
225 00:10:11 It's honestly rude.
226 00:10:13 What, are you flirting with me?
227 00:10:15 I would not flirt with a happily married woman who broke my heart.
228 00:10:17 Oh, my God, you broke up with me, don't even start with that.
229 00:10:20 Excuse me, now you are flirting with me, okay?
230 00:10:24 It's good to see you.
231 00:10:26 It's good to see you, too.
232 00:10:28 Girl, I have had a day.
233 00:10:30 First was full, I had to ride business. It was disgusting.
234 00:10:35 -Gross. -You're serious. Okay. Cool.
235 00:10:38 Oh, my God, did you hear Alice is making us go to a foam party?
236 00:10:42 Ugh! I know.
237 00:10:43 She has a scary amount of time on her hands.
238 00:10:45 Even though she's a full-time teacher, I'm still like, "Get a job."
239 00:10:48 Do you have a job?
240 00:10:50 Activism is a full-time job, but...
241 00:10:53 -Also no. -Mmm-hmm.
242 00:10:55 Look at them, the magic is still there.
243 00:10:57 -Hello! -Hello!
244 00:10:58 -Hi! -Hi! Yes! Yes!
245 00:11:03 -Oh, my God! -It is all happening!
246 00:11:06 Mmm! God, you smell so good.
247 00:11:08 -I have, like, half a pound of weed in my bra. -Ah.
248 00:11:10 -Hey, Alice, how's your mom? -Well, Alzheimer's is tough, but she's good.
249 00:11:14 Good.
250 00:11:15 The Wallace 5th Floor Girls are back together again!
251 00:11:20 God, when was the last time we were all together?
252 00:11:22 I think it was two summers ago
253 00:11:24 when we came to visit you in your tree, right?
254 00:11:25 No, no, no, 'cause Jess couldn't make it, it was, uh,
255 00:11:28 New Year's Eve, when Blair was in labor.
256 00:11:30 -Oh, my God. Crazy. -God, that was three years ago, then.
257 00:11:32 Yeah. Well, we only have 55 hours,
258 00:11:34 so let's stop wasting our motherfucking time
259 00:11:37 and let's get the party started.
260 00:11:40 -Yes! -Alice, you rock!
261 00:11:42 The party starts now.
262 00:11:47 Oh, my God. That was a bad idea.
263 00:11:49 -Yeah, we're in an airport. -That was bad.
264 00:11:51 -That sounded like a gunshot. -Yeah.
265 00:11:52 -Let's go. -Yep.
266 00:11:54 Sorry. Our bad.
267 00:11:55 Sorry, everyone, bachelorette weekend.
268 00:11:56 I was never here! Never! Move!
269 00:12:07 Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga
270 00:12:09 I know you can't control yourself any longer
271 00:12:11 -Ooh. -Wow.
272 00:12:12 -Nice Miami house, mami. -Very nice.
273 00:12:15 -Oh, gracias. -Um...
274 00:12:17 We are supposed to pick up the keys from the neighbors.
275 00:12:21 Did you bring a bathing suit?
276 00:12:23 -Hello? -The beach is nice.
277 00:12:24 Hi.
278 00:12:25 Sorry, somebody left some keys for...
279 00:12:27 -Oh, my goodness. -Oh, sorry, we'll come back.
280 00:12:29 -So sorry. -Oh, hi, girls.
281 00:12:31 No, no, I'm sorry.
282 00:12:33 Let me put something on.
283 00:12:35 Oh.
284 00:12:36 -Come on in. -Very funny.
285 00:12:38 -Is it really? -I love it.
286 00:12:39 -Hello. -Hi.
287 00:12:41 -Thank you. Oh. -Hi. Oh.
288 00:12:43 Okay.
289 00:12:44 What brings you to Miami?
290 00:12:45 Business? Pleasure?
291 00:12:48 The business of pleasure?
292 00:12:49 Oh, bachelorette weekend.
293 00:12:51 -Jess is getting married. -Ah.
294 00:12:53 -Congratulations! -Thank you.
295 00:12:55 This marriage, will it be open?
296 00:12:57 You know, we haven't discussed it.
297 00:12:59 But, probably closed. Yeah.
298 00:13:01 Tightly, tightly closed.
299 00:13:03 Lea, does she not remind you
300 00:13:05 of our French girl from Turks and Caicos?
301 00:13:08 -Oh. -She does.
302 00:13:11 Thank you. Thanks.
303 00:13:13 Well, we're gonna try to keep it down.
304 00:13:16 Mmm-hmm. -Oh, well, we'll try not to.
305 00:13:18 Oh.
306 00:13:19 Ah! Yes!
307 00:13:20 -They're serious. -Go. Go, go, downstairs.
308 00:13:22 She is delicious.
309 00:13:24 -I want that. -Mmm.
310 00:13:30 Ooh, yes.
311 00:13:32 Oh, Real World, baby! Miami!
312 00:13:35 Ew. This house represents everything I hate.
313 00:13:38 I'm gonna go take a protest dump.
314 00:13:40 I call the room next to Jess! Ah.
315 00:13:42 Oh, I think that room has bunk beds,
316 00:13:43 so you're gonna have to share with Pippa.
317 00:13:45 Uh, who that?
318 00:13:47 Pippa, my Australian friend from semester abroad.
319 00:13:49 She's been CC'd on, like, every single email.
320 00:13:51 Oh, right.
321 00:13:53 Well, if my snoring bothers her, she can take the couch.
322 00:13:54 Or she can just start on the couch and we'll go from there.
323 00:13:56 We'll figure it out. She'll start on the couch.
324 00:14:00 -Blair. -What?
325 00:14:01 Can you be careful with the red wine on the white carpet, please?
326 00:14:04 My biggest and only donor
327 00:14:06 generously lent us this house for the weekend.
328 00:14:08 -So, please be careful. -Okay.
329 00:14:11 I'm telling you, she's got bigger problems than a wine stain
330 00:14:13 if she wants to sell this place for 3.4 in this market.
331 00:14:16 -How do you know that? -Zillow.
332 00:14:18 -I Zillow everybody. -Really?
333 00:14:20 Like, do you know how much my house is worth?
334 00:14:24 -Mmm-hmm. -Okay, atención.
335 00:14:26 Bachelorette kit time.
336 00:14:27 Let me get your attention.
337 00:14:29 We got it all.
338 00:14:30 Bride-to-be bathrobe for our lovely Jess,
339 00:14:33 penis straws, penis sunglasses, penis sprinkles, penis gum,
340 00:14:37 penis hats, penis pasta.
341 00:14:39 And yes, I did get a little drunk and ate some of that dry.
342 00:14:42 -Don't judge. -No judgment.
343 00:14:44 Also, I wrote you a card. But don't read it now, read it later.
344 00:14:47 -Thanks, Alice. -Yeah.
345 00:14:50 Oh, shit. Frankie?
346 00:14:53 -Frankie? -Frankie.
347 00:14:55 Oh, my God!
348 00:14:58 -What? -Oh!
349 00:14:59 -Oh, my God. -Oh, yes, mami.
350 00:15:01 Is that a sex swing?
351 00:15:03 Ooh, your donor is a freak, Jess.
352 00:15:05 Please. She rents this house out.
353 00:15:07 I'm sure somebody else left it here accidentally.
354 00:15:09 And installed a load-bearing beam to support it accidentally.
355 00:15:11 -Yeah. -Oh, my God, Jess.
356 00:15:13 I want to audition some dresses for tonight.
357 00:15:14 I brought 14. Come on!
358 00:15:16 Yeah, I wanna burn
359 00:15:17 Break, crash, explode
360 00:15:19 Every time you look at me, you look at me...
361 00:15:22 Jess, if you are working,
362 00:15:23 -I'm gonna smack you in the face right now. -I'm not. I'm not.
363 00:15:25 -One second. -I'm gonna smack your face.
364 00:15:26 -Wait, wait, let me send it. Send, send, send. -Put it down.
365 00:15:28 All right, come on, let's take a picture.
366 00:15:30 -Say, um, "Miami forever." -Uh, forever.
367 00:15:34 -You want us in the picture or not? -Do you guys want us in the photo...
368 00:15:37 -We're here, too. -Oh, my gosh,
369 00:15:39 -we both look killer in that. -Cool.
370 00:15:40 I'm so bummed I can't tag you in this, on Facebook.
371 00:15:42 Why did you delete your account?
372 00:15:43 I had to. You were, you were tagging me
373 00:15:45 on things that could literally ruin my career.
374 00:15:47 Yeah.
375 00:15:49 It's Pip! She's here!
376 00:15:50 -What? Who's that? -Hi!
377 00:15:52 -Pip! -Oh.
378 00:15:55 Sorry. Whoops.
379 00:15:57 -I'm sorry. Whoops. -Hey.
380 00:15:58 Hello, hello, hello.
381 00:16:01 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
382 00:16:04 You're a goddess. You're literally a goddess.
383 00:16:08 -Guys... -Hi.
384 00:16:09 This is Pippa.
385 00:16:11 -Hello. -The famous...
386 00:16:13 Frankie, Blair, Alice.
387 00:16:15 Hey, what's up?
388 00:16:16 My God, you guys are meeting for the first time, this is so exciting.
389 00:16:18 -I know. -Nice to meet you.
390 00:16:20 This is so weird, you guys, because it's sort of like
391 00:16:24 you're all Jess's best friends, I'm Jess's best friend.
392 00:16:26 And so it's sort of like we're all already best friends, you know?
393 00:16:30 Well, it's a little different for us, sorry to interrupt,
394 00:16:33 but, uh, Jess and I were freshman year roommates,
395 00:16:36 so it's kind of like family. Eh.
396 00:16:38 -I know, I know. -Um, okay, I'm going to grab a chair.
397 00:16:41 Feel free to gel.
398 00:16:43 Just gonna sit on my suitcase here.
399 00:16:45 Ooh. I'm famished.
400 00:16:47 -Do you want my leftovers? -Oh, shoot. We just finished.
401 00:16:49 No, I was gonna wrap that up and take it to go.
402 00:16:50 I think we're done. Check, please!
403 00:16:52 It's okay. I'm just gonna take some of this bread from the bread basket.
404 00:16:56 When you got bread and Vegemite, you got yourself a meal.
405 00:16:59 What? Vegemite?
406 00:17:01 They should call you cuckoos instead of Kiwis.
407 00:17:03 Am I right?
408 00:17:04 -Alice. -Oh, my God.
409 00:17:05 That's funny on several levels,
410 00:17:07 because I'm actually Australian and a Kiwi is a New Zealander.
411 00:17:10 There's nothing wrong with being a Kiwi, we all love Kiwis,
412 00:17:13 but, um, it's sort of like calling a Chinese person Japanese.
413 00:17:16 It's just sort of like, little bit racist
414 00:17:18 to not recognize the cultural differences there, you know?
415 00:17:21 Oh, my gosh.
416 00:17:22 Eat me out. It's a fruit, Kiwi.
417 00:17:24 I'll take it.
418 00:17:27 Pippa, what do you do?
419 00:17:28 Well, singer-songwriter is the dream.
420 00:17:31 Uh, party clown is the reality.
421 00:17:34 -Hmm. -Check. Just, anyone, a check.
422 00:17:37 A chair.
423 00:17:38 Oh, a chair.
424 00:17:40 Right.
425 00:17:43 I'm so excited to see you. It's been so long.
426 00:17:45 -Tell me everything. -I'm dying.
427 00:17:46 The flight was literally amazoir.
428 00:17:49 Ding, ding, ding, ding, da-dang, ding, ding.
429 00:17:52 Uh, it's toast, toast time.
430 00:17:54 Oh.
431 00:17:55 Raise your glasses, Jess.
432 00:17:57 Gosh, I can't believe you're getting married.
433 00:18:00 Feels like just yesterday you were showing me
434 00:18:03 how to hide that cat scratch on my face with that cover-up.
435 00:18:05 I remember that.
436 00:18:07 And even though we don't get to see you all the time
437 00:18:09 because you're so busy with Peter and the campaign
438 00:18:12 and changing your Brita filters or whatever it is you white people do,
439 00:18:16 I love you, and you're my best friend.
440 00:18:21 Uh... To me and Jess.
441 00:18:24 -Be-cheers. -Cheers. Again.
442 00:18:26 I love you, Alice. Thank you.
443 00:18:27 Three toasts is the limit tonight, though. You're cut off.
444 00:18:29 If you're gonna do another one, do it now,
445 00:18:31 'cause I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
446 00:18:32 -Do you want to come? -Why would I come with you?
447 00:18:34 It's a heteronormative thing that girls do.
448 00:18:37 Okay, guys, no one responded to my emails
449 00:18:39 about which club we were gonna go to,
450 00:18:40 so I printed out the top 1Ø according to Yelp.
451 00:18:44 I have my personal favorite, but I don't want to sway anyone, so...
452 00:18:47 -Is it the one that's circled in big red? -Yeah.
453 00:18:49 I was kind of hoping that we could make it an early night.
454 00:18:54 Yeah, right. What?
455 00:18:57 -That doesn't feel right. -No, I'm just so exhausted.
456 00:18:59 I mean, I've been so overworked...
457 00:19:00 No, not gonna happen, baby girl, all right?
458 00:19:02 'Cause this is the biggest weekend of our lives, all right?
459 00:19:07 Ooh, girls. Ooh, girls.
460 00:19:09 Hi. I just got some coke from the busboy.
461 00:19:11 -You fucking what? -What?
462 00:19:12 America. Already?
463 00:19:13 Sort of right on the nose.
464 00:19:15 -Yes, okay, now we're talking. -Ba-bam! Booyah!
465 00:19:17 Now, okay, I'm in. I'm in.
466 00:19:18 Okay, guys, I can't do any cocaine.
467 00:19:21 I'm running for office.
468 00:19:23 What? No one's gonna find out you did a little coke...
469 00:19:24 -Stop. -Did a little coke at your bachelorette.
470 00:19:27 I haven't really done drugs myself since I sort of...
471 00:19:30 I smoked this bit of shoji root
472 00:19:33 on an excursion in the desert, and I died.
473 00:19:38 Anyway, I'm very jet-lagged,
474 00:19:40 so I will do cocaine, yes.
475 00:19:41 -So everyone's in? Yep? -Dope, dope, dope.
476 00:19:43 You guys, hold on. I don't know.
477 00:19:45 Stop being a stupid fucking cunt and do a little fucking cocaine!
478 00:19:49 Jesus, Frankie.
479 00:19:51 Sorry, I did a little bit of it.
480 00:19:54 Jess.
481 00:19:57 It would mean...
482 00:19:59 Yeah.
483 00:20:01 It would mean so much to me,
484 00:20:05 if we could do a little bit of cocaine together.
485 00:20:12 So disgusting!
486 00:20:14 -Let me get a little more. -Yep.
487 00:20:16 Before, I was very tired, and now I'm sort of very awake.
488 00:20:21 That's the cocaine.
489 00:20:22 -I figured. -Yeah.
490 00:20:23 I love this. I love Miami!
491 00:20:26 -Yeah, girl! -Miami!
492 00:20:30 Whoo!
493 00:20:32 Okay, now put on these fucking sashes.
494 00:20:42 Trouble
495 00:20:43 I don't look for trouble, but trouble looks for me
496 00:20:46 And it's been waiting around corners since I was 17
497 00:20:50 They say, "Here comes a hurricane Trouble is her middle name"
498 00:20:54 But I don't look for trouble, yeah, trouble looks for me
499 00:20:57 Hey, hey
500 00:20:58 I just want to live a quiet life
501 00:21:01 I'll make an excellent wife
502 00:21:02 Man, I swear I really try
503 00:21:06 But some boys, they just can't eat it whole
504 00:21:08 Trouble is my name, you know
505 00:21:10 Trouble is my name, you know
506 00:21:15 -Thank you! -All right.
507 00:21:21 Mmm.
508 00:21:22 Oh, my God!
509 00:21:25 Yes, yes, yes!
510 00:21:27 -Oh, my God! -No, no, no.
511 00:21:29 Man, it smells like barf over here.
512 00:21:30 -Let's get the fuck out of here. -God!
513 00:21:35 Blurry
514 00:21:39 Blurry, blurry
515 00:21:44 Blurry
516 00:21:48 Blurry, blurry
517 00:21:50 Knock 'em back, one, two
518 00:21:52 But it's gettin' kinda blurry
519 00:21:53 Get blurry with it
520 00:21:55 Got my eyes on you
521 00:21:56 But you're gettin' kinda blurry, no hurry with it
522 00:21:59 Rock your body, and it all makes sense
523 00:22:02 Got me up under your influence
524 00:22:04 I'm getting us drinks.
525 00:22:06 Knockout blurry, no worries
526 00:22:08 You guys, you guys, let's get Jess a stripper!
527 00:22:12 -Yes! -Oh, yeah. Okay.
528 00:22:14 Right?
529 00:22:15 You guys, you guys, you guys, male or female, though?
530 00:22:19 Male. I'm thinking male for her.
531 00:22:21 -Yeah. -Okay, I got it.
532 00:22:25 Frankie, do you have a tampon?
533 00:22:27 -I need one. -Uh-huh, yup.
534 00:22:29 -Thank you. -Got one. Here we go.
535 00:22:30 What day of your flow are you on?
536 00:22:33 Oh, no, no. It's our code.
537 00:22:36 In college, we would ask each other for tampons
538 00:22:38 if some guy was skeezing us out and we wanted to be saved.
539 00:22:41 You just say "tampon," and they run.
540 00:22:43 Oh, my God, I love that.
541 00:22:44 I used to use tampons, but now I use David cups.
542 00:22:48 -You mean DivaCups. -No, no, David.
543 00:22:51 They were designed by my neighbor, David,
544 00:22:53 to collect blood for an art installation he's doing.
545 00:22:55 Let's stop talking about periods now.
546 00:22:58 Cool.
547 00:22:59 All right, everybody, we have a special request from a Caucasian named
548 00:23:03 Alice!
549 00:23:04 That's me. I'm Caucasian Alice.
550 00:23:07 Bring all your girls up here. Grab 'em.
551 00:23:09 Jess, come on. Come on.
552 00:23:10 Give her the drinks. Go on. Girls, get up there.
553 00:23:14 We won the talent show freshman year with this little routine.
554 00:23:17 Might want to stand back. No, physically, get back!
555 00:23:20 Okay.
556 00:23:22 If you didn't go to college with us, you're not in the routine.
557 00:23:24 Okay, get into places.
558 00:23:27 All you ladies pop your pussy like this
559 00:23:30 Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss
560 00:23:32 All you ladies pop your pussy like this
561 00:23:34 Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss
562 00:23:36 Just do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now
563 00:23:41 Lick it good, suck this pussy
564 00:23:43 -Just like you should -Yeah!
565 00:23:45 My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack
566 00:23:49 My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack
567 00:23:54 My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack
568 00:23:58 You're doing so good!
569 00:23:59 Lick it now, lick it good
570 00:24:01 -Lick this pussyjust like you should -Come on
571 00:24:04 Right now, lick it good
572 00:24:06 These are my new friends.
573 00:24:08 My neck, my back, lick
574 00:24:10 Jess, Jess, Jess!
575 00:24:12 Oh!
576 00:24:14 -Oh, shit. -Oh, my God.
577 00:24:16 Are you okay? You all right?
578 00:24:19 Did anybody see me fall?
579 00:24:21 -Everybody saw. Everybody saw. -No. Well, yeah.
580 00:24:22 -Alice! You fell! -Yeah.
581 00:24:25 It was be-gorgeous!
582 00:24:27 Jess, you were supposed to catch me.
583 00:24:30 You know, I forgot that one part. I'm so sorry.
584 00:24:32 It's a pretty important part!
585 00:24:34 Would some more cocaine make you feel better?
586 00:24:37 Yes!
587 00:24:38 I'm gonna party till the break of day
588 00:24:43 This Montepulciano is majestic and rebellious.
589 00:24:47 Tell me, what are you tasting?
590 00:24:50 Pepper.
591 00:24:51 Pass. I need more time.
592 00:24:54 Forest floor.
593 00:24:55 Licorice.
594 00:24:57 -There's a nostalgia to it, you know? -Mmm-hmm. Yes.
595 00:24:59 -You are all correct! -Oh!
596 00:25:02 -Yes! -I need more time.
597 00:25:06 Oh.
598 00:25:08 It's Jess.
599 00:25:09 -Take it. -Okay. Hello.
600 00:25:12 I'm drunk! I lost two credit cards already.
601 00:25:15 Oh, no. Okay.
602 00:25:17 -Well, it's getting pretty wild over here, too. -Really?
603 00:25:20 I'm getting, like, a light beeswax.
604 00:25:22 -Oh, I like that. -Oh.
605 00:25:23 Jess, guy says that we can drive his Lambo.
606 00:25:26 -I, um, I... Babe, I got to go. -All right.
607 00:25:29 Call me when you're home safe.
608 00:25:30 -I will. I love you. -Love you, too.
609 00:25:32 Get off the phone.
610 00:25:34 Are we ready to get crazy?
611 00:25:36 -Yeah. -Sure.
612 00:25:38 This Lambrusco is served...
613 00:25:42 Chilled!
614 00:25:49 Do you guys remember Michelle?
615 00:25:50 Oh, Michelle, she was obsessed with Nickelback.
616 00:25:56 Ooh, beauty, Jess!
617 00:25:58 -I know what this soiree needs. -What?
618 00:26:01 Pizza!
619 00:26:02 Yeah!
620 00:26:04 -Pizza! Pizza! -Yes, yes, yes.
621 00:26:06 -Yes! -Nice! Sweet!
622 00:26:08 Okay, I love her.
623 00:26:09 -Right? -Yes.
624 00:26:11 She is... Be-mazing? I don't know how she would say it,
625 00:26:13 but she is incredible!
626 00:26:14 I am telling you, she is one of us.
627 00:26:17 -She is so free-spirited. -Totally.
628 00:26:19 -I just... I love her. -I don't know about that.
629 00:26:21 -I totally feel it. -Do you guys feel like
630 00:26:23 she's here on a work visa,
631 00:26:26 or, like, a tourist visa or, like, illegally?
632 00:26:29 -Like, what's her deal? -What, dude?
633 00:26:31 -She's here for a bachelorette party. -That is crazy.
634 00:26:33 -Build a wall. -I just, like, don't...
635 00:26:34 I don't want to do anything illegal tonight.
636 00:26:36 -What? -You don't?
637 00:26:37 You just snorted a mound of cocaine.
638 00:26:39 -Simultaneously. -That was, like, in the name of Jess.
639 00:26:42 That was, like, for Jess.
640 00:26:44 -Don't put that on me. -Oh, check you out.
641 00:26:45 You're literally cuckoo.
642 00:26:47 I'm just, like, voicing what some people are thinking,
643 00:26:48 -you know what I mean? -Do you have snags?
644 00:26:52 Okay, no snags.
645 00:26:54 Um, is... This is a pizza shop, yeah?
646 00:26:58 God, it is so warm.
647 00:26:59 -You guys have to get in. -Mmm,
648 00:27:01 I am coming.
649 00:27:03 I am gonna warn you now.
650 00:27:04 Uh, did not have time to self-wax, so it is like a jungle down there.
651 00:27:09 Self-wax? -Yeah.
652 00:27:10 Like, with those weird little, like, paper strips?
653 00:27:13 Yikes, dude.
654 00:27:15 Even I'm like, "Yikes, dude."
655 00:27:17 Look, you guys, I don't understand. Why all the hate?
656 00:27:21 Ooh.
657 00:27:22 -Mmm. -Okay, I got it, I got it.
658 00:27:23 -Well, that was fast. -But, seriously,
659 00:27:25 we're gonna talk about this self-wax thing later.
660 00:27:27 -Okay, come on. -Ooh.
661 00:27:34 -Hey... -Oh, not bad.
662 00:27:35 Stripper's here!
663 00:27:38 -You guys! -Yes!
664 00:27:40 I don't want a stripper!
665 00:27:41 Did you bring a CD or anything?
666 00:27:42 Like, Now That's What I Call Music! or anything?
667 00:27:45 -No. No, I didn't. -No? It's all right.
668 00:27:47 I got some pretty filthy music on my phone.
669 00:27:48 -I'll hook you up. -Thanks.
670 00:27:52 -Hey. -Hi.
671 00:27:53 Hey, um, I, uh, I got to take a piss.
672 00:27:56 Oh, yeah, there's a bathroom down there.
673 00:27:59 All right.
674 00:28:00 It's, like, down there.
675 00:28:02 Mmm.
676 00:28:04 I bet he's going to fluff his junk!
677 00:28:05 Let's give him room, let's make a stage, yes.
678 00:28:08 You guys, I don't want a stripper.
679 00:28:09 I think he looks like he's on something.
680 00:28:11 He's definitely on something. Like bath salts.
681 00:28:14 Oh, my God, he's gonna eat our faces.
682 00:28:16 -Oh, God, he would! -Ugh, this vintage remote is so confusing.
683 00:28:19 I've never even had a striptease. I mean...
684 00:28:22 -Nope. -Well, there was that one time.
685 00:28:23 -I love myself -ALICE: Yes!
686 00:28:25 Maybe somebody else should go.
687 00:28:26 -Stripper. Stripper, stripper. -So, this is Jess,
688 00:28:28 the bride-to-be, your subject, okay?
689 00:28:31 And lucky for you, so lucky,
690 00:28:34 you get to do whatever you want.
691 00:28:36 Fuck her!
692 00:28:37 -Alice! -Jesus.
693 00:28:38 -Too much. -What? If it happens.
694 00:28:41 -Okay, whoo! Here we go. -Do it.
695 00:28:45 First layer, off.
696 00:28:48 I touch myself
697 00:28:50 -Oh, shit. -Yeah!
698 00:28:53 -Okay. -Come on, Jess!
699 00:28:54 Here he comes. He's looking at me.
700 00:28:59 Ooh, happy Boxing Day.
701 00:29:01 Yes!
702 00:29:02 It's kind of turning me on, but I really have to pee,
703 00:29:04 so it's, like, so confusing.
704 00:29:06 Mansploitation, bitch! Yes!
705 00:29:09 Let's get to the beans, let's get to the beans.
706 00:29:11 Yeah, just do it.
707 00:29:12 Get it over with. Get it over with!
708 00:29:14 -So good! -Love her.
709 00:29:17 Make her feel special.
710 00:29:20 -Yes! -Get that!
711 00:29:22 Oh, he's warm.
712 00:29:24 Ooh, all right. I like it.
713 00:29:26 Okay.
714 00:29:28 I know you want it, you little slut.
715 00:29:29 Oh, God! No! Ew.
716 00:29:31 Gross. You sit down.
717 00:29:33 So aggressive.
718 00:29:35 -I'm definitely gay. -Okay, my turn!
719 00:29:37 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
720 00:29:40 -Oh! -Oh, shit!
721 00:29:42 Holy shit.
722 00:29:44 -I'm good! -Hey.
723 00:29:45 Are you okay?
724 00:29:47 Oh, him? He's fine. You're okay, right, bud?
725 00:29:50 Oh, God.
726 00:29:52 -Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -Oh, shit! That's blood!
727 00:29:54 What the fuck? Oh, God.
728 00:29:56 Oh, my God, he's not breathing!
729 00:29:58 -Shit! -Does anybody know CPR?
730 00:30:00 -Oh, my God. -I'll look it up on YouTube!
731 00:30:02 -No, no, no. -Oh, my God.
732 00:30:04 We got to do something!
733 00:30:05 Bugger! It's playing an advert for toilet tissue.
734 00:30:08 Jess, do something!
735 00:30:09 -Shit. -No, no, no.
736 00:30:10 Holy shit!
737 00:30:12 Oh, please, God, please don't let this happen.
738 00:30:14 He's bleeding out. I can't stop the blood!
739 00:30:16 I have some Advil. I'll get it out of my bag.
740 00:30:19 What's Advil gonna do, Alice?
741 00:30:21 -It's extra-strength, bitch! -Somebody call an ambulance!
742 00:30:25 -Four, five, six, seven, eight... -He doesn't have a pulse.
743 00:30:30 Fuck.
744 00:30:32 He's dead.
745 00:30:36 -Oh, shit. -Oh, shit.
746 00:30:38 I...
747 00:30:40 I don't want anybody else
748 00:30:43 When I think about you
749 00:30:45 Turn off the fucking music!
750 00:30:48 Oh, I don't want anybo...
751 00:30:56 -Oh, shit. -I'm so sorry.
752 00:30:58 I didn't mean to.
753 00:30:59 -Oh, my God. -Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
754 00:31:02 I'm so sorry.
755 00:31:03 -No, no, no. -Oh, God, the blood,
756 00:31:05 it's going everywhere.
757 00:31:07 Paper towels! Somebody get paper towels!
758 00:31:08 Why don't you do something, Blair!
759 00:31:10 I'm delegating!
760 00:31:13 -I killed a guy. -It's okay.
761 00:31:15 Oh, God.
762 00:31:16 -Oh, not the bathroom towels. -Oh, shit.
763 00:31:18 What are you talking about!
764 00:31:19 Who cares about towels right now?
765 00:31:21 Well, I don't know! I don't know what to do!
766 00:31:23 I killed a guy!
767 00:31:25 Oh, God!
768 00:31:27 -I killed a guy today. -Okay, okay.
769 00:31:28 -Deep breaths, deep breaths. -"What'd you do?"
770 00:31:30 -Deep breath. -"I killed a guy."
771 00:31:32 "What have you been up to?"
772 00:31:34 "Death."
773 00:31:37 -Keep it in there. -That's better. That's better.
774 00:31:40 Time to call the police. Yeah?
775 00:31:41 No, no, no, don't call the police. We're all high.
776 00:31:43 Let's get rid of the drugs, and then we'll call the police.
777 00:31:46 Yeah, we'll just, we'll clean up a dead stripper, cool.
778 00:31:48 Well, technically, he's a prostitute.
779 00:31:51 -He's a prostitute? -No.
780 00:31:54 I got him from Craigslist.
781 00:31:55 He is a stripper, but then also an escort.
782 00:31:57 You hired a gigolo?
783 00:31:59 Don't judge sex work, Blair!
784 00:32:02 -Oh, my God! -Frankie!
785 00:32:04 You know I'm running for public office! How could you do this to me?
786 00:32:06 It's worse for me. I have two strikes.
787 00:32:08 If I get a third, I could go to jail for 25 to life.
788 00:32:11 I'm not even supposed to be out of the state right now.
789 00:32:13 I had to pry my ankle monitor off with a shoehorn to get here!
790 00:32:16 Oh, God.
791 00:32:18 It's the chair's fault.
792 00:32:19 Fuckin' shit chair!
793 00:32:22 Wait a minute. You guys, wait a minute!
794 00:32:25 It was an accident. Right?
795 00:32:27 So, like, we're not gonna get in trouble for an accident.
796 00:32:29 We're in Florida, Alice.
797 00:32:31 A white dude is dead at the hands of a bunch of women.
798 00:32:33 Yeah, white women.
799 00:32:35 I'm black, in case any of you have forgotten.
800 00:32:37 I think the only person who's forgotten that is you.
801 00:32:39 How dare you.
802 00:32:41 I rest my case.
803 00:32:43 I knew this weekend was a terrible idea.
804 00:32:46 What? No.
805 00:32:48 This can still be the best weekend of our fucking lives!
806 00:32:51 Let's just smile a little bit about it. Right? Smile more.
807 00:32:55 Okay, we're gonna be fine.
808 00:32:57 -We're gonna call the cops, but Jess is right. -Definitely.
809 00:32:58 We need to make this seem as innocent as possible,
810 00:33:00 so let's get rid of all the drugs.
811 00:33:02 I'm on it.
812 00:33:04 Alice, not by doing them!
813 00:33:07 Okay, someone tell me what to do, and I will do it.
814 00:33:11 Uh?
815 00:33:12 What the...
816 00:33:15 -Oh. Oh. -Shit, shit, shit.
817 00:33:22 It's pizza.
818 00:33:24 You guys, what are we gonna do?
819 00:33:26 The house is made of glass. He can see in.
820 00:33:29 We got to move him, you guys.
821 00:33:30 Do it, do it, do it.
822 00:33:35 Go, go, go.
823 00:33:38 Wait, wait, wait, you guys.
824 00:33:40 You guys, you guys, you guys, wait, wait, wait. One second.
825 00:33:43 Watch the couch.
826 00:33:48 -Shit. -Somebody answer the door.
827 00:33:50 Does anyone have cash for a tip?
828 00:33:52 I have Australian dollars.
829 00:33:53 They're stronger than American dollars.
830 00:33:58 Castelucci Pizza.
831 00:34:02 -What's this? -Leave.
832 00:34:06 -Oh, God. -Oh, fuck.
833 00:34:08 I was natural.
834 00:34:09 Okay, open it.
835 00:34:11 Open it up.
836 00:34:13 Oh, yes.
837 00:34:15 How can you eat right now?
838 00:34:17 Eating is the number one way people deal with stress, okay?
839 00:34:20 Don't give me shit.
840 00:34:22 You guys want some?
841 00:34:24 -Oh, yeah, I'd go for a slice. One second. -I'll have a slice. Yeah.
842 00:34:27 Okay, I think now it's time for us to call the cops, yeah?
843 00:34:31 Wait, wait, wait. I think we should call a lawyer first,
844 00:34:33 so we know exactly what to say during the interrogation.
845 00:34:35 -Okay. -Wait, I'm sorry, what's going on?
846 00:34:37 We're gonna be interrogated?
847 00:34:39 We are 1Ø0% gonna be interrogated.
848 00:34:41 Somebody died in a sketchy way.
849 00:34:44 They're gonna separate us into little cells,
850 00:34:45 you know, with swinging lights.
851 00:34:47 The coppers are gonna try to crack us, fucking pigs!
852 00:34:50 Okay, let's definitely call a lawyer, then.
853 00:34:53 Oh, my God. My Uncle Jack.
854 00:34:55 He was on the team that defended Bernie Madoff.
855 00:34:57 -Ah, thank God. -Thank God.
856 00:34:59 Wait. We should use a burner phone so there's no record.
857 00:35:02 -Good idea. -That's actually a good point.
858 00:35:04 -Shit! -What, Alice?
859 00:35:06 The foam party!
860 00:35:08 Should I sell our passes?
861 00:35:10 Wow.
862 00:35:12 You're right. Let's play it by ear.
863 00:35:15 Smart, Jess.
864 00:35:18 Oh, shit! Peter!
865 00:35:20 -Okay. -I forgot to call him when I got home.
866 00:35:21 -Do not answer that. -I have to.
867 00:35:23 -No! -Jess. Jess, stop.
868 00:35:24 Hello!
869 00:35:25 -Hey, babe. -Hi. How's it going?
870 00:35:27 -Stop. -Are you home safe? You never called.
871 00:35:30 -Hang up. Hang up. -Yeah, I am.
872 00:35:31 Yeah, everything's great.
873 00:35:32 Did you do whippets again? You sound really weird.
874 00:35:34 -What? -Is everything all right?
875 00:35:36 -Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. -Stop, stop, stop.
876 00:35:38 -Peter, something really bad happened. -No.
877 00:35:40 -What? -No, this guy came over.
878 00:35:42 He was a stripper, like, a prostitute.
879 00:35:44 -A prostitute? -And we were drunk,
880 00:35:45 and coked up, and I don't know what to do.
881 00:35:47 About what? The wedding?
882 00:35:49 Jess, do you still want to get married?
883 00:35:51 -You can't, you can't... -No!
884 00:35:53 Jess!
885 00:35:57 I can't believe you just did that.
886 00:35:58 We can't talk to anybody until we consult with a lawyer.
887 00:36:01 She's right. You know what,
888 00:36:02 I'm collecting everyone's phones until we know what the plan is.
889 00:36:04 -Agreed? -Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
890 00:36:06 -Yes. -Agreed.
891 00:36:07 -Mmm-hmm. -Fine.
892 00:36:10 -Well, I have a game on it that relaxes me. -Give it.
893 00:36:14 Thank you.
894 00:36:18 Okay, so we got to get this burner phone from a convenience store.
895 00:36:21 -Smart. -Yeah, good idea.
896 00:36:22 Frankie and I can go.
897 00:36:23 -Great. -Um...
898 00:36:24 -Or, like, anybody else could go. -Why?
899 00:36:27 -Do we argue? -We bicker. Yeah, we bicker.
900 00:36:30 -It's true, but... -No. I think that we debate,
901 00:36:32 which is a normal part of talking.
902 00:36:34 That's funny. That's the same thing, debating and arguing.
903 00:36:37 -It's semantics. -"Semantics."
904 00:36:38 Wow, I didn't realize I was talking to a wordsmith.
905 00:36:40 -They used to be lovers, yeah? -Three syllables.
906 00:36:42 I'm a wordsmith 'cause I read the news regularly.
907 00:36:44 -Is it that obvious? -Oh, my God.
908 00:36:45 -I'm too busy shopping, right? -I have a sort of a sense of these things.
909 00:36:49 Also, she's been fixated on her nips.
910 00:36:52 Just because I don't use Tom's of Maine deodorant, which,
911 00:36:54 by the way, does not work...
912 00:36:55 I don't use Tom's deodorant...
913 00:36:57 -It's kind of nasty to watch, isn't it? -...into my body.
914 00:37:00 Yeah, so, I call. She picks up.
915 00:37:02 -Uh-huh. -She sounds very strange.
916 00:37:04 I know something's wrong immediately.
917 00:37:05 And then, finally, she admits it.
918 00:37:07 She says something really bad happened with a prostitute.
919 00:37:08 -Ooh! -That does not mean she cheated.
920 00:37:11 But if she was going to cheat, this is when she would do it.
921 00:37:14 -Oh, God. -Miami, bachelorette party.
922 00:37:16 -It's pretty classic. -Mmm...
923 00:37:18 It's not cheating if it's with a prostitute. Technically.
924 00:37:22 -What? -What? Yes, it is.
925 00:37:24 Look, guys, we have to have realistic attitudes
926 00:37:26 about sexual exclusivity.
927 00:37:28 Whatever. It doesn't even matter, because...
928 00:37:31 I asked her if she still wanted to get married.
929 00:37:32 She screamed "no" and then she hung up!
930 00:37:35 So, guess what, guys,
931 00:37:36 there's no wedding for you to go to, so return your tuxes.
932 00:37:39 No!
933 00:37:40 -No. Hell, no. -Fine, keep your tuxes,
934 00:37:42 but my wedding's off.
935 00:37:44 It's not a shock, right?
936 00:37:45 I mean, buddy, I love you, you're one of my best friends,
937 00:37:49 but you're a six and she's a...
938 00:37:52 Twenty.
939 00:37:54 -Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -He can hear you.
940 00:37:56 Oh, I'm feeling... I'm feeling weak.
941 00:37:58 -I'm feeling dizzy, I'm... -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
942 00:38:00 -Hey, hey, hey, hey. -Oh, my God.
943 00:38:02 I knew I shouldn't date out of my league, I knew it.
944 00:38:04 When she first asked me out, I thought it was a prank.
945 00:38:07 I could feel her pulling away, but I thought it was work.
946 00:38:10 -I'm gonna be sick. -No, no, no.
947 00:38:11 -Give him some Madeira. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
948 00:38:13 -Yeah. -Peter, that's it. Just take a sip.
949 00:38:15 -Chug-a-lug. Bup-bup-bup-bup. -Oh, I'll get you a soft cheese!
950 00:38:17 Yes!
951 00:38:20 This is so stupid.
952 00:38:21 Yeah, but this way no one can definitively ID our face.
953 00:38:25 Old people. Perfect.
954 00:38:28 Any brand is fine.
955 00:38:31 What's that on your face?
956 00:38:32 A detoxifying mud mask.
957 00:38:34 Look, we need a burner phone, okay?
958 00:38:36 -Here's some cash. -Again, a burner phone,
959 00:38:40 and you can find that behind the counter.
960 00:38:43 -Okay. We heard you. -Inside.
961 00:38:44 You baby boomers are so demanding.
962 00:38:48 I know.
963 00:38:49 -Jesus. Come on, Ma. -I'm sick and tired of this shit.
964 00:38:53 I can't believe he's dead.
965 00:38:56 -And it's, like, all my fault. -No, no.
966 00:39:00 It really is a tragedy, you know?
967 00:39:04 He could have been a scientist that was gonna cure cancer or something.
968 00:39:09 -It's nice of you to say. -Yeah.
969 00:39:13 Guys, is he looking, like, straight at me?
970 00:39:18 -Oh, my God, he's... -Yeah. Yeah.
971 00:39:19 He's looking at me, right?
972 00:39:21 Mmm-hmm.
973 00:39:25 Hi, baby boy.
974 00:39:28 Mummy Hubbard's here.
975 00:39:30 She's gonna send you home.
976 00:39:33 Okay.
977 00:39:35 Sleep now.
978 00:39:37 Oh, no. Jesus, no. No, no, no.
979 00:39:40 -Okay, why don't we... -I don't like it, I don't like it,
980 00:39:41 -I don't like it. -Guys, I got it.
981 00:39:43 -I got it. -I'm done.
982 00:39:44 -I'm done. -There we go.
983 00:39:47 He looks good, right?
984 00:39:49 Totally.
985 00:39:56 -Oh, my God, Jess. -What?
986 00:39:59 Look at this ring.
987 00:40:00 It's even bigger in real life than it is on Skype.
988 00:40:03 -Yeah, he did a good job. -Oh.
989 00:40:05 You guys Skype?
990 00:40:06 -Yes. -Oh, do we?
991 00:40:08 Yes.
992 00:40:10 It's really nice to just sort of, you know, see the person
993 00:40:14 when you're talking to them.
994 00:40:16 -I didn't know that. -Yes.
995 00:40:18 You don't know Skype?
996 00:40:19 Skype is a free video calling app.
997 00:40:22 -You should... -No, I know what Skype is.
998 00:40:23 Jess, you said you couldn't remember your password.
999 00:40:27 Well, it is really hard to sign in.
1000 00:40:32 -Oh, shit! -Shit!
1001 00:40:33 -Whose dog is that? -Go away! Go away!
1002 00:40:35 -Go! Go, go. -Charlie? Here, boy!
1003 00:40:37 -The owner is coming towards the house. -Oh, God.
1004 00:40:39 No, no, no. You're being too loud.
1005 00:40:41 I can speak to animals, we have a deep understanding,
1006 00:40:44 -so I got this. -Charlie?
1007 00:40:45 -Just go! -Okay, be careful, though.
1008 00:40:46 -Okay. -Here, boy!
1009 00:40:48 Okay, Charlie. Come on.
1010 00:40:50 Come on, come on.
1011 00:40:52 -Aah! Ow! Aah! -Oh, shit!
1012 00:40:54 Ow. Ow.
1013 00:40:56 -Charlie! -You stay. I'm bringing him to you.
1014 00:40:57 This is impossible, anybody can see into the house from the beach.
1015 00:40:59 -This is crazy. -I know.
1016 00:41:01 If someone reports it before we do, we're dead.
1017 00:41:03 Well, we just... We have to get the body out of sight, that's all.
1018 00:41:06 -Yeah, okay. -All right.
1019 00:41:07 -Okay. -You all right?
1020 00:41:09 -You all right? -Good.
1021 00:41:10 Oh, my God, Pip, I can see all of his teeth marks.
1022 00:41:13 That looks really bad.
1023 00:41:14 No, no, no. This is...
1024 00:41:16 That's not... I'm good.
1025 00:41:18 Yeah, she's fine. Look at her in the eyes.
1026 00:41:19 Okay? So let's just get the body out of sight,
1027 00:41:22 and then we'll put him back before we call the cops. Yeah?
1028 00:41:24 -Let's do it. Right? -Yes.
1029 00:41:26 -Let's go! Okay! -Let's do it.
1030 00:41:28 Hold the door. Hang on one sec.
1031 00:41:29 -Got it. -There's two steps here. Hold on.
1032 00:41:31 -Yeah, we got it. Ow. -Oh, there's two steps.
1033 00:41:34 -Put him down. -That was me.
1034 00:41:35 Can somebody turn the lights on?
1035 00:41:37 -I'll get it. -Oh, there we go.
1036 00:41:39 -That's better. -Oh, God!
1037 00:41:40 Shit! Alice, cover the body!
1038 00:41:42 Why? Why? Why?
1039 00:41:43 Pippa, what did you do?
1040 00:41:46 This is a poltergeist situation.
1041 00:41:48 I'm not doing anything.
1042 00:41:49 -All right. -There's got to be a fuse box.
1043 00:41:53 -Oh, God. There is a taxi. -Oh, no, no.
1044 00:41:55 There is a taxi right here.
1045 00:41:57 No! No, no, no.
1046 00:42:00 No, thank you.
1047 00:42:01 -Cover the body. -Hide me. Hide me.
1048 00:42:03 -Balls! -Jesus Christ.
1049 00:42:04 Find a quilt. Find a fucking quilt.
1050 00:42:06 -What the... -Jesus!
1051 00:42:08 -Oh, no. My water broke! My water broke! -What?
1052 00:42:11 No, no, I just peed.
1053 00:42:13 -I have no control over this. -Pippa.
1054 00:42:15 Close, you fuck.
1055 00:42:18 -Here you go, sir. Thank you. -Thought I peed. I didn't pee.
1056 00:42:20 -Thank you very much for the ride. -Thank you.
1057 00:42:22 -Safe home! -What the fuck is going on in here?
1058 00:42:24 We're starting a garage band. Do you guys play bass?
1059 00:42:27 We're hiding a body. What do you think we're doing?
1060 00:42:29 Stop saying "body" so many times.
1061 00:42:31 -Alice, what the hell are you doing, man? -Sorry.
1062 00:42:32 -Come on. -God!
1063 00:42:33 Lift him up with your legs. Lift with your legs.
1064 00:42:36 I swear to God, he's getting heavier every time.
1065 00:42:38 Just hold one second.
1066 00:42:39 -There's two stairs up here. -No!
1067 00:42:40 -I got it. -Let's take a break. Let's take a break.
1068 00:42:42 Break, break, break.
1069 00:42:44 -No, no, no. -Okay.
1070 00:42:45 -Okay. -I am out of shape.
1071 00:42:47 -Really good. -Quick question.
1072 00:42:50 Why are we moving the dead stripper?
1073 00:42:52 The whole house is made out of glass.
1074 00:42:54 This is impossible. You can see in everywhere.
1075 00:42:57 Where could we put him that he's not gonna be seen?
1076 00:43:12 So, what do you think, Uncle Jack?
1077 00:43:13 They could charge you with involuntary manslaughter,
1078 00:43:16 but it's not that easy to prove.
1079 00:43:18 -Ah, thank God. -Well, that's not bad.
1080 00:43:19 -That's okay. -Just don't touch the body
1081 00:43:21 -or the scene, and you'll be fine. -What?
1082 00:43:24 Okay, so actually, we have already moved him
1083 00:43:26 to a sex swing, Your Honor.
1084 00:43:27 What?
1085 00:43:28 I said, "Actually, we have already moved him to a sex swing, Your Honor."
1086 00:43:32 I heard you.
1087 00:43:35 You knowingly tampered with the scene,
1088 00:43:37 which means you're guilty of accessory after the fact,
1089 00:43:39 and they'll have a strong case for involuntary manslaughter.
1090 00:43:43 Wait, what does that mean?
1091 00:43:45 Up to 15 years in prison.
1092 00:43:47 -What? -Fifteen?
1093 00:43:50 -Well, what can we do? -Are we on an open line here, girls?
1094 00:43:53 -It's a burner phone. -Good.
1095 00:43:55 Like I told Rob Lowe,
1096 00:43:57 if there's no body, there's no case.
1097 00:44:04 We can't just chop him up.
1098 00:44:06 You know what? I'll just tell the cops it was just me.
1099 00:44:10 No, we all moved the body.
1100 00:44:13 It's a crime.
1101 00:44:14 Well, yeah, but if we just, like, explain the situation...
1102 00:44:17 What are you talking about, "Explain"?
1103 00:44:19 Last year, a guy in Tampa, he threatened to kill his wife,
1104 00:44:22 so she fired a warning shot,
1105 00:44:23 and she went to jail for 20 years.
1106 00:44:26 This country should be burned to the ground!
1107 00:44:31 Shit.
1108 00:44:34 I was so close. Peter.
1109 00:44:37 My career.
1110 00:44:38 It's all over, just like that.
1111 00:44:41 I'm gonna do real time.
1112 00:44:43 Maybe life.
1113 00:44:45 You guys are gonna get off with a few years.
1114 00:44:46 I can't do any years. I'm in the middle of a custody battle.
1115 00:44:49 -What? -What?
1116 00:44:50 What?
1117 00:44:54 Malcolm and I separated six months ago.
1118 00:44:57 You didn't tell me.
1119 00:44:59 Yeah, you've been a little preoccupied, Jess.
1120 00:45:02 Why didn't you tell me?
1121 00:45:04 I didn't need your judgment.
1122 00:45:06 Blair, I would never judge you for something like that.
1123 00:45:10 Oh, my God, my students.
1124 00:45:13 They idolize me.
1125 00:45:15 They think I'm, like, the best fucking adult
1126 00:45:18 in the whole fucking world.
1127 00:45:21 They'll turn to crime.
1128 00:45:23 I can't go to jail.
1129 00:45:24 I couldn't even make it through the first episode
1130 00:45:26 of Orange Is the New Black.
1131 00:45:28 None of us can.
1132 00:45:30 It's too soapy, right?
1133 00:45:32 No, I meant none of us can go to jail.
1134 00:45:35 Wait, you guys.
1135 00:45:36 Even if we don't get charged with this tampering with evidence thing,
1136 00:45:39 we don't know who this man is.
1137 00:45:41 His family could come seek revenge.
1138 00:45:43 He could be part of a cartel that's gonna cut off our toes
1139 00:45:46 and stick them up our bums.
1140 00:45:47 She's right.
1141 00:45:48 We'll have to look over our shoulders for the rest of our lives.
1142 00:45:52 He did say that
1143 00:45:55 it would be hard to convict
1144 00:45:58 with no body.
1145 00:46:01 I mean, it was an accident.
1146 00:46:04 And he's not part of an escort company, you know?
1147 00:46:06 So I don't think anybody knows he's here.
1148 00:46:09 Mmm-hmm.
1149 00:46:15 We got to get rid of him.
1150 00:46:16 -We gotta, right? -Yeah.
1151 00:46:18 -We do. -We have to.
1152 00:46:19 -I mean, we don't want to. -No, of course we don't want to.
1153 00:46:21 We didn't want to kill him.
1154 00:46:22 -We have no other option. -But we have to.
1155 00:46:24 -Of course we have to. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1156 00:46:25 Must.
1157 00:46:28 Hey, it's Blair. Don't leave a message.
1158 00:46:30 Okay. That's it. None of them are picking up.
1159 00:46:33 That means something really bad happened.
1160 00:46:35 Dude, this is, like, the third girlfriend that's cheated on you.
1161 00:46:39 What is that? What's going on, buddy?
1162 00:46:41 Does your dick bend weird when it gets hard?
1163 00:46:43 No.
1164 00:46:44 -All right. -Doesn't matter.
1165 00:46:46 Let's get you on Tinder right now, so you can start on a rebound.
1166 00:46:49 -No, I don't want to be on Tinder, okay? -Come on.
1167 00:46:52 You've gotten over other girls, you can get over her.
1168 00:46:55 Yeah, this isn't some girl, this is Jess. I'm not gonna get over her, you know?
1169 00:46:59 And I don't want to get over her.
1170 00:47:00 Then, this time, do something about it, Peter.
1171 00:47:07 You're right.
1172 00:47:08 You're right, I got to go to Miami, and I got to win her back.
1173 00:47:11 -Yes, dude. Yes. Awesome. -Okay, okay.
1174 00:47:13 The first flight out of Charleston gets in at 1Ø:Ø0 a.m. tomorrow morning.
1175 00:47:17 -No. -Oh. There is a train
1176 00:47:18 that gets there tomorrow afternoon and there's room in the quiet car.
1177 00:47:22 Not quick enough. You got to sad astronaut.
1178 00:47:25 -What? -Huh?
1179 00:47:27 He has to sad astronaut.
1180 00:47:29 -Okay, what is that? -That's nothing to me.
1181 00:47:30 -Sad astronaut? -That news story?
1182 00:47:32 Okay.
1183 00:47:35 Lisa Marie Nowak was an astronaut.
1184 00:47:39 And she was in love with another astronaut named Will.
1185 00:47:42 Now, Will cheated on Lisa with some hottie Air Force captain.
1186 00:47:45 Lisa found out and was pissed.
1187 00:47:49 So, Lisa decided to deal with it.
1188 00:47:53 Once and for all. And she got a bunch of adult diapers,
1189 00:47:55 so she wouldn't have to piss on the way,
1190 00:47:57 and she drove straight from Houston to Orlando
1191 00:47:59 to, like, kidnap the Air Force... It's... The story gets dark quick.
1192 00:48:04 Point is, she used that crazy astrophysicist brain
1193 00:48:09 to find the quickest way to Florida.
1194 00:48:11 -You... You want to get Jess back, right? -Yeah.
1195 00:48:14 Then you got to sad astronaut, bro.
1196 00:48:19 Let's get some diapers.
1197 00:48:21 La-da-da-da-dah
1198 00:48:22 It's the motherfuckin' D-O-double-G
1199 00:48:24 Snoop Dogg!
1200 00:48:26 La-da-da-da-dah, you know I'm mobbin'
1201 00:48:28 With the D-R-E
1202 00:48:30 Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know who's back
1203 00:48:32 Up in this motherfucker?
1204 00:48:34 What, what, what, what...
1205 00:48:36 Not this brand! These leak!
1206 00:48:49 La-da-da-da-dah
1207 00:48:50 It's the motherfuckin' D-R-E
1208 00:48:52 -Dr. Dre, motherfucker -What, what, what, what
1209 00:48:54 La-da-da-da-dah
1210 00:48:55 You know I'm mobbin' with the D-O-double-G
1211 00:48:58 Straight off the fuckin' streets of C-P-T
1212 00:49:00 King of the beats, you ride to 'em
1213 00:49:02 -In your Fleet -Fleetwood
1214 00:49:03 Or Coupe de Ville rollin' on dubs
1215 00:49:05 How you feel? Whoopty-whoop, nigga, what?
1216 00:49:08 It's the next episode
1217 00:49:10 -Jesus Christ. -It's not that bad.
1218 00:49:13 I think it's the body on top.
1219 00:49:16 -Okay, okay, okay, okay. -Okay.
1220 00:49:19 Okay, wait, does anyone know how to actually drive this thing, or...
1221 00:49:21 I could do it.
1222 00:49:23 I, uh, I took one to school every day growing up, so, I feel pretty confident.
1223 00:49:28 -Great. -Perfect.
1224 00:49:30 -Hello! -Oh, shit.
1225 00:49:32 -Hello! -Oh, my gosh. Shit!
1226 00:49:34 -The neighbors! -Get him off. Get him off.
1227 00:49:36 Okay, oh, my God, oh, my God, what do we do?
1228 00:49:37 -No, no... Okay. All right. -No, no!
1229 00:49:42 -So happy to see you. -Okay, uh...
1230 00:49:44 -Nope. -Dang.
1231 00:49:46 We hoped you were skinny-dipping.
1232 00:49:49 -No. -No.
1233 00:49:50 -Nope. -Okay.
1234 00:49:51 -My, my. -What do we have here?
1235 00:49:55 Oh.
1236 00:49:56 -Oh. -Oh, wow.
1237 00:49:58 Um, you know, I think they just wanted to make love in international waters.
1238 00:50:02 -Ah, yeah. -Maybe they need our help.
1239 00:50:05 Uh, no. I think we should probably let them do their thing, you know?
1240 00:50:09 So, let's just...
1241 00:50:11 Well, this certainly gets me in the mood.
1242 00:50:14 -Hey, Blair. -Oh. Uh-huh?
1243 00:50:15 -You need a tampon? -Um, maybe.
1244 00:50:19 We just opened a bottle of Chateauneuf Du Pape,
1245 00:50:21 and we're listening to some remastered Fleetwood Mac.
1246 00:50:24 -Oh, that's so nice. -Oh! It is so good,
1247 00:50:27 you could hear the cocaine in Stevie's voice.
1248 00:50:29 -I bet. -We'd love for you to join us.
1249 00:50:30 -Oh, that's so sweet. -Um, no pressure.
1250 00:50:32 Unless it's asked for.
1251 00:50:35 Okay.
1252 00:50:37 I am fully exhausted.
1253 00:50:39 -So tired, you know? -Oh, understood.
1254 00:50:41 We're fluent in body language.
1255 00:50:43 Oh, I bet you are.
1256 00:50:47 -Goodnight. -Goodnight.
1257 00:50:49 All right.
1258 00:50:53 -Oh, God. -Oh, my God.
1259 00:50:54 -Pippa. They're gone. Pippa. -They're moving out.
1260 00:50:56 -What is going on there? -Pippa!
1261 00:50:58 -Pippa! -What?
1262 00:50:59 Oh, my God. Wow.
1263 00:51:01 Yeah. Okay.
1264 00:51:05 -Sorry. -Wow, dude.
1265 00:51:06 -Let's dump him, yeah? -Yeah, let's dump him.
1266 00:51:08 Let's do the dump.
1267 00:51:15 -Oof. -Okay, Spanish language CDs.
1268 00:51:18 Uh, if Jess hooked up with a Spanish speaker,
1269 00:51:19 -you're gonna want to reason with him. -Gracias.
1270 00:51:22 Oh, um, and I got this generic Russian Adderall.
1271 00:51:24 My little brother ordered it online.
1272 00:51:25 It will help you focus.
1273 00:51:26 It's super strong, but it is expired, so...
1274 00:51:30 -Thank you so much. -Hey.
1275 00:51:31 -I love you. -I love you, too, dude.
1276 00:51:33 -Get her back. -Thanks.
1277 00:51:36 Mmm...
1278 00:51:38 You are peeing.
1279 00:51:39 I'm so scared.
1280 00:51:42 I feel like we should say something.
1281 00:51:45 -Yeah. -Yeah. Good idea.
1282 00:51:48 We're really sorry.
1283 00:51:50 You deserved better.
1284 00:51:51 -Mmm. -Yeah.
1285 00:51:53 There's nothing we could do to bring you back, but...
1286 00:51:56 We promise to spend the rest of our lives trying to be better people.
1287 00:52:01 -We owe that to you. -Mmm-hmm.
1288 00:52:05 God, we're so sorry.
1289 00:52:07 So sorry.
1290 00:52:08 So sorry, man.
1291 00:52:10 We suck.
1292 00:52:15 Okay, you can dump him now!
1293 00:52:17 Aye aye, Captain.
1294 00:52:24 This never happened. Right?
1295 00:52:26 -Nope. -It... It happened.
1296 00:52:29 Right?
1297 00:52:30 -No, we're not gonna talk about it. -Oh, got it, got it.
1298 00:52:34 Okay, bye.
1299 00:52:36 -Oh. -Whoa.
1300 00:52:37 That could have been more delicate, huh?
1301 00:52:43 She's going really fast.
1302 00:52:45 I did it!
1303 00:52:46 -Oh, my God, what the fuck is she doing? -What is she doing?
1304 00:52:50 Holy shit!
1305 00:52:53 -Oh, my God! -Are you okay?
1306 00:52:56 I'm good. I'm really good.
1307 00:52:59 Are you sure, 'cause you landed right on your neck.
1308 00:53:01 Yeah, I just did a sort of straight shot, landed on the neck...
1309 00:53:04 ...snap, and we're back up.
1310 00:53:07 -It was good. -What happened?
1311 00:53:08 I thought you knew how to drive those things.
1312 00:53:09 Yeah, no, I definitely do, but, um, I think the gas and the brake are different
1313 00:53:13 in Australia, so I got confused.
1314 00:53:15 -How are you alive right now? -I don't know.
1315 00:53:18 But I'll take it.
1316 00:53:22 Well, body dumped, girl's alive.
1317 00:53:25 -What's next? -We should get the fuck out of here.
1318 00:53:27 -Great idea. -Yeah, I like that.
1319 00:53:30 -Let's do that. -You sure you're okay?
1320 00:53:36 Guys?
1321 00:53:38 She should probably get a CAT scan.
1322 00:53:40 Okay.
1323 00:53:43 She's fine.
1324 00:53:47 -Is there any more pizza left? -I don't think so.
1325 00:53:50 No!
1326 00:53:51 Jesus, dude, we can order more.
1327 00:53:52 No, not that. That!
1328 00:53:54 -What? -The sexy neighbors!
1329 00:53:56 -Oh... -They have footage of us dumping the body.
1330 00:53:58 We should just turn ourselves in, right?
1331 00:54:00 -We're fucked. -No.
1332 00:54:02 We got rid of the body. We just have to get rid of the footage, that's all.
1333 00:54:05 -Right? -Yes.
1334 00:54:06 -Yep. Yep. -Yeah, okay.
1335 00:54:07 -Yes. -Well, how?
1336 00:54:10 Um...
1337 00:54:15 No.
1338 00:54:17 Absolutely not.
1339 00:54:18 Thank you. Oh.
1340 00:54:19 Make love to me
1341 00:54:24 Mmm.
1342 00:54:27 Your house is so, um...
1343 00:54:30 -Funky. -Thank you.
1344 00:54:33 You should see our panic room.
1345 00:54:39 Mmm.
1346 00:54:41 May I?
1347 00:54:42 Uh-huh. Mmm-hmm.
1348 00:54:49 It's happening. God, you make me red-hot.
1349 00:55:03 You know what would be really, really sexy?
1350 00:55:07 Please tell me.
1351 00:55:08 If we got this on tape.
1352 00:55:12 Oh, you naughty girl.
1353 00:55:14 Mmm-hmm. -Ooh.
1354 00:55:15 Oh!
1355 00:55:17 Actually, I noticed that you guys have these cameras outside and it's always been
1356 00:55:22 a fantasy of mine to get caught on a security camera, so...
1357 00:55:29 Mesdemoiselles?
1358 00:55:30 Oh, okay. Okay.
1359 00:55:35 Thank you.
1360 00:55:39 It's all I can do to see this through
1361 00:55:45 See it through
1362 00:55:47 Okay.
1363 00:55:49 It's all that I want
1364 00:55:52 -Oh, okay. Yeah. -Is it okay that we're watching this?
1365 00:55:56 Yeah, we're watching for Blair. You know, for her safety. We're monitoring.
1366 00:56:00 -Man, Blair looks great. -Yeah, she looks great.
1367 00:56:03 -You ready? -Uh...
1368 00:56:06 -Yeah, think so. -All right.
1369 00:56:09 -Oh! -Relax.
1370 00:56:12 -Oh! -I've got you.
1371 00:56:13 -Holy shit! -Oh, my...
1372 00:56:15 -Interesting. -She's showing off. To me.
1373 00:56:18 -Yes! Yes! -Whoa.
1374 00:56:19 Give me those. Give me those.
1375 00:56:22 Oh...
1376 00:56:25 Sadness, look at us now
1377 00:56:31 The best of me, sadness
1378 00:56:34 Hey, it's Jess. Leave a message.
1379 00:56:37 Jess, it's Peter.
1380 00:56:39 How are you? Um...
1381 00:56:43 Just calling again. Okay. Oh, man.
1382 00:56:47 What a story this'll be, huh?
1383 00:56:49 For the grand kids. If we get married.
1384 00:56:51 Um, do me a favor, call me back. Let me know you're okay.
1385 00:56:55 Got burned but I learned it was all for the better
1386 00:56:57 I love you so much. Please call me. Bye.
1387 00:57:00 Back together, never thought I could take all the wrongs
1388 00:57:03 And turn them to right
1389 00:57:08 Tonight
1390 00:57:11 Sadness, look at us now
1391 00:57:17 Hey, it's Jess. Leave a message.
1392 00:57:18 Jess!
1393 00:57:21 Yes!
1394 00:57:28 -Ho! -Oh.
1395 00:57:30 Um, I would love a copy of the tape, you know,
1396 00:57:34 for, like, jerking off later, whatever.
1397 00:57:37 Me, too. What's the tape?
1398 00:57:40 The tape. The, uh... The naughty tape we just made.
1399 00:57:42 You know, the DVD or the...
1400 00:57:44 You know, from the cameras.
1401 00:57:46 Oh. Those don't work.
1402 00:57:49 -Excuse me, what? -Yeah, they don't work, like she said.
1403 00:57:52 But we know that's not what this was about.
1404 00:57:54 Right? This was fantasy fulfillment.
1405 00:57:57 -Creating a mise en scène. -I'm sorry. Why, um...
1406 00:58:01 Why would someone have security cameras that don't work?
1407 00:58:04 They didn't charge us for the first three months.
1408 00:58:05 After that, we didn't want to pay for the service.
1409 00:58:07 You know, they keep out the riffraff.
1410 00:58:09 You'll just have to jerk off as the Italians do.
1411 00:58:12 -To your memories. -Mmm.
1412 00:58:16 Wait, so, Blair, so there's no footage?
1413 00:58:20 No.
1414 00:58:22 -Ah! -Oh, my gosh. So we're in the clear!
1415 00:58:25 That is... That's great.
1416 00:58:27 -Yeah. -She was so intuitive.
1417 00:58:31 She was inside me.
1418 00:58:34 And then she was outside me.
1419 00:58:38 And then she was me.
1420 00:58:41 -So, we're good. -Almost, except I probably have HPV now.
1421 00:58:45 Whatever. We all have HPV.
1422 00:58:46 Oh, uh, I mean, I don't have HPV.
1423 00:58:49 Alice, they say if you had sex after the year 1991, you have HPV.
1424 00:58:54 Then, I mean, I definitely have HPV then.
1425 00:58:56 I have, like, clumps and clumps of it.
1426 00:59:00 Cool. Uh, let's clean up and get the hell out of here.
1427 00:59:03 -Okay. -Whatcha, whatcha gon' do?
1428 00:59:05 I call it housework
1429 00:59:06 'Cause it's light work
1430 00:59:08 -Whatcha, whatcha gon' do? -I'm-a throw shapes
1431 00:59:10 Feeling the bass till my feet hurt
1432 00:59:12 I call it housework, 'cause it's light work
1433 00:59:16 -Whatcha, whatcha gon' do? -But I'm-a throw shade
1434 00:59:18 If I don't get paid for this housework
1435 00:59:20 Would you come along
1436 00:59:22 Oh, with my friends
1437 00:59:23 And to leave, I'm working
1438 00:59:26 -Every weekend -Housework
1439 00:59:28 Wow.
1440 00:59:30 -Okay. -Looks pretty good.
1441 00:59:31 -We did good. -Got it.
1442 00:59:33 -Yes. Nice. High five, everyone. -Lovely.
1443 00:59:36 Whatcha gon' do, gon' do?
1444 00:59:44 This child is not my son.
1445 00:59:53 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
1446 00:59:59 Shit. My pants.
1447 01:00:05 I don't have time for this.
1448 01:00:16 Good evening, Officer.
1449 01:00:18 How can I be of service to you?
1450 01:00:20 -Sir, you been drinking? -Absolutely not.
1451 01:00:22 I did do a wine tasting earlier this evening, Italian reds mostly,
1452 01:00:25 but you don't really drink it, you mostly spit.
1453 01:00:26 You take sips and you spit into a bucket.
1454 01:00:28 What the... All right, sir, I'm gonna ask you to get out of the vehicle.
1455 01:00:30 -No. -Now!
1456 01:00:31 -Officer... -Now!
1457 01:00:33 Hands. Move slow.
1458 01:00:42 Officer, I can explain.
1459 01:00:44 She's a 20!
1460 01:00:46 Okay, before we go,
1461 01:00:48 we got to do human friendtipede, yeah?
1462 01:00:49 -What? -Alice.
1463 01:00:50 -No way. -Yes.
1464 01:00:52 -It's tradition. -Alice, quick "Q."
1465 01:00:55 What is a human friendtipede?
1466 01:00:57 It's a photo we always take that's like the movie Human Centipede.
1467 01:01:00 Where they're sewn together, mouth to anus, but it's with friends,
1468 01:01:04 -so it's special. -Come on now, Alice.
1469 01:01:06 -I don't know about that. -I feel like not the appropriate...
1470 01:01:08 Guys, if I don't post a ton of pictures from this weekend,
1471 01:01:11 it's gonna look suspicious.
1472 01:01:13 Like we killed someone.
1473 01:01:14 Okay. I can't believe I'm saying this,
1474 01:01:17 but I think we should do the human friendtipede.
1475 01:01:18 -Yes! -But we cannot photograph the crime scene.
1476 01:01:22 Okay. I get the middle.
1477 01:01:24 Why do you want the middle?
1478 01:01:27 Okay. Oh, my God, amazoir.
1479 01:01:29 Say "friendtipede."
1480 01:01:31 Friendtipede!
1481 01:01:33 Cute.
1482 01:01:35 Yes!
1483 01:01:37 -Let's see it. -It's ridiculous.
1484 01:01:40 -Alice, stop. You look really pretty. -No, look!
1485 01:01:46 -Oh, my God. -No! Come on! No!
1486 01:01:50 -Oh, shit! Damn it! -Is that our guy?
1487 01:01:53 -Are you kidding me? -Oh, shit!
1488 01:01:55 Oh, my God, oh, my God!
1489 01:01:57 God, I thought you weighed him down.
1490 01:01:59 I did. I put rocks in his pockets. I guess his pants fell off.
1491 01:02:02 Men need to wear belts.
1492 01:02:04 Yeah. How dare they not sink when we murder them.
1493 01:02:08 Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q, P, O,
1494 01:02:11 N, M, L, K, J, I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.
1495 01:02:24 Okay.
1496 01:02:31 Did you see that?
1497 01:02:34 -You only had to walk a straight line. -I know. I just followed my body.
1498 01:02:39 -Are you a dancer or... -No.
1499 01:02:41 I've never done anything like that before in my life.
1500 01:02:43 I still got to give you a speeding ticket.
1501 01:02:45 Please. That's great.
1502 01:02:47 Slow down.
1503 01:02:48 -Thank you, Officer. -I almost shot you.
1504 01:02:50 I know. That was nuts. Also, don't shoot anybody.
1505 01:02:56 We can't get rid of his body in broad daylight, you guys.
1506 01:02:59 We have to think of something. Come on.
1507 01:03:01 Ideas?
1508 01:03:02 Kiwi! You up?
1509 01:03:04 Yeah. Yeah.
1510 01:03:05 -We need everyone's brain on this, so... -Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
1511 01:03:09 So, um, here's what I'm gonna do.
1512 01:03:12 I'm gonna go to the beach
1513 01:03:14 and do a bit of mindful meditation.
1514 01:03:16 And, um, when I come back,
1515 01:03:18 I'm gonna have a be-genius idea.
1516 01:03:20 Yeah? All right.
1517 01:03:23 We got it.
1518 01:03:25 We're never gonna get rid of his body.
1519 01:03:28 He's gonna follow us around for the rest of our lives.
1520 01:03:30 -Oh, God. -Oh, no.
1521 01:03:32 Police!
1522 01:03:33 -Shit. -Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
1523 01:03:35 Do you think the neighbors called them? Maybe they got suspicious.
1524 01:03:38 -Oh, my God. -Police! Open up! Now!
1525 01:03:40 Women, this is my world. I will handle this. I got you.
1526 01:03:44 Turn out the lights and hide.
1527 01:03:57 Oh, good evening, Officer.
1528 01:04:01 Step aside, miss.
1529 01:04:03 What's this all about?
1530 01:04:05 Put your hands where I can see them.
1531 01:04:06 Officer, I am cooperating. You see? Hello.
1532 01:04:10 Get your hands against the wall.
1533 01:04:11 -I am not... -Get your hands against the wall!
1534 01:04:12 I am taking a passive stance.
1535 01:04:14 My body is limp for you!
1536 01:04:17 Spread them.
1537 01:04:23 What are you doing? No.
1538 01:04:25 No! No!
1539 01:04:29 -Fuck! -Jesus!
1540 01:04:32 -Frankie! Frankie! -Oh, my God.
1541 01:04:35 Now we have a dead guy and an unconscious cop?
1542 01:04:37 -What is wrong with you? -Are you kidding me?
1543 01:04:39 He's obviously a rape cop. This is what they do!
1544 01:04:42 When they have dirt on you, they sexually assault you,
1545 01:04:44 knowing you won't report it.
1546 01:04:45 -Daniel Holtzclaw, Oklahoma City? -Who?
1547 01:04:48 He sexually assaulted eight women.
1548 01:04:50 Like Matt Dillon in Crash.
1549 01:04:53 -Oh, my God, that was horrendous. -What a nightmare.
1550 01:04:55 Information is power, guys. I mean it. I mean it.
1551 01:04:58 Okay, chill out. You're from Brentwood,
1552 01:04:59 and your dad used to be John Mayer's accountant.
1553 01:05:02 Okay. "You are not your father's daughters but mothers unto your own."
1554 01:05:05 Wait, is that John Mayer?
1555 01:05:07 It's Malcolm X.
1556 01:05:09 -Pretty sure it's John Mayer. -Fathers, fathers
1557 01:05:11 Okay, you guys, you guys, we have to move this guy
1558 01:05:13 before the neighbors return to eat Blair out again.
1559 01:05:16 I'd be fine with that.
1560 01:05:18 -All right. -Fuck.
1561 01:05:19 All right, one, two, three.
1562 01:05:25 Uh...
1563 01:05:27 Frankie, how many strippers did you order?
1564 01:05:32 Just the one.
1565 01:05:34 Then who's this guy?
1566 01:05:37 -Let me see his dick real quick. -Good call.
1567 01:05:39 -Wait, what? -The stripper I ordered had a dick pic
1568 01:05:41 in his ad. No face.
1569 01:05:43 -But I can ID him by his member. -Cool. Okay.
1570 01:05:51 I'm not sure.
1571 01:05:53 He had a boner in his ad.
1572 01:05:54 This one's soft.
1573 01:05:56 I can get it hard. Let's go, feet.
1574 01:05:59 -What? No. No, no, no, no. -Stop. No, wait. Stop, please.
1575 01:06:08 Okay, yes. This is the stripper I ordered.
1576 01:06:10 This is Scotty with the Body.
1577 01:06:13 Then who did we kill?
1578 01:06:38 -Hello? -This is Banknorth.
1579 01:06:40 We have detected unusual activity on your account.
1580 01:06:43 If you have attempted a purchase at
1581 01:06:45 Quickie Stop in Port St. Lucie, please press one.
1582 01:06:51 Thank you for pressing two.
1583 01:06:52 Your card has been suspended due to unusual activity.
1584 01:06:55 No. No.
1585 01:06:59 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
1586 01:07:11 -How's that? -Yeah, that's good.
1587 01:07:15 If you're looking for our cell phones, I locked them in this drawer
1588 01:07:17 and I'm not gonna open it, okay?
1589 01:07:19 Please let me at least text Peter. I feel like he's totally freaking out right now.
1590 01:07:22 Not until everything is sorted out.
1591 01:07:24 We made a plan.
1592 01:07:26 Um, Alice.
1593 01:07:28 -What's up, dude? What are you doing? -What?
1594 01:07:30 Oh, I'm just making sure nothing's broken.
1595 01:07:33 I think he's fine.
1596 01:07:34 Yeah, he's really fine.
1597 01:07:36 -Jesus. -Oh, my God.
1598 01:07:37 You need to masturbate more. You're, like, severely horny.
1599 01:07:41 I know. I just don't like to do it in front of my cockatiel.
1600 01:07:44 She's very smart.
1601 01:07:46 -Why don't you put her in a cage? -She is in a cage.
1602 01:07:48 But I'm loud. I'm a screamer.
1603 01:07:50 -I remember. -Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
1604 01:07:52 And it kind of sounds like her.
1605 01:07:55 So she thinks I'm talking to her.
1606 01:07:57 I'm like, "No, I'm just fucking touching myself."
1607 01:07:59 -Like, "Back off." -Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
1608 01:08:01 Cool, so back to our life-changing emergency?
1609 01:08:03 Okay, the stripper's here, he's alive.
1610 01:08:07 -That's good. Right? -Yeah.
1611 01:08:10 Um, there is still a dead guy in the closet, so...
1612 01:08:12 -Who is that guy? -We could get rid
1613 01:08:14 of him if we just had a car, you know?
1614 01:08:16 Oh, my God. How did this guy get here?
1615 01:08:22 Oh, yeah.
1616 01:08:23 That'll work.
1617 01:08:26 -Thank God! -Will it?
1618 01:08:28 All right, we're gonna drive to the alligator bog, dump the body.
1619 01:08:31 We're gonna return the Smart car,
1620 01:08:33 wake up the G-string guy, tell him he hit his head really hard.
1621 01:08:36 -Blair's gonna give him a ton of cash. -Wait, what?
1622 01:08:38 -And then we're home free. -I love it. Yeah.
1623 01:08:48 Alligator bog.
1624 01:08:50 You will arrive at your destination in 45 minutes.
1625 01:08:53 I'm a hustler, baby
1626 01:08:55 Yeah.
1627 01:08:56 That's what my daddy's made me
1628 01:08:59 Can I do your... Do you mind if I do your thing?
1629 01:09:04 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
1630 01:09:06 Don't litter.
1631 01:09:08 Yeah, I'm a hustler, baby
1632 01:09:12 That's what my daddy's made me
1633 01:09:29 All right.
1634 01:09:31 Hey, thanks a lot, man.
1635 01:09:34 -For you. -Thank you so much.
1636 01:09:36 So, I got meth.
1637 01:09:38 You looking? 4Ø bucks.
1638 01:09:40 No, thank you so much. I just need gas money.
1639 01:09:44 Hey, listen, do you want to suck my dick for 15 bucks?
1640 01:09:48 -No. Thank you. -Okay.
1641 01:09:50 Good luck, man.
1642 01:09:51 Thanks, man.
1643 01:09:59 You will arrive in 25 minutes.
1644 01:10:01 This is so uncomfortable.
1645 01:10:03 I mean, does this thing go any faster?
1646 01:10:08 -Wait! -No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
1647 01:10:19 So it does go faster?
1648 01:10:21 Mmm-hmm.
1649 01:10:30 -Hi, sir. May I... -Whoa! Get the fuck away from my car.
1650 01:10:33 -Okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. -God.
1651 01:10:35 Let me suck your dick real fast.
1652 01:10:37 What?
1653 01:10:38 -Please? -No. What is with this place?
1654 01:10:41 Okay, listen...
1655 01:10:43 Do you have any meth?
1656 01:10:46 I'm a hustler, baby
1657 01:10:49 -I could sell you meth, yeah. Um... -Really?
1658 01:10:53 -8Ø bucks. -8Ø, uh, dollars...
1659 01:10:56 There you go.
1660 01:11:03 Do-do-do-do
1661 01:11:04 -Hey, man. -Hey.
1662 01:11:07 -Um, I want to buy some meth. -Oh!
1663 01:11:10 Only thing is, though,
1664 01:11:12 you got to do a little bump, though, so I know that you're not a cop.
1665 01:11:16 No, man. Please. I'm not a cop.
1666 01:11:18 You want the meth or not?
1667 01:11:21 Okay.
1668 01:11:22 Yay! Here we go.
1669 01:11:26 -And one for Papa Bear. -It burns. All right.
1670 01:11:29 40 bucks. Not a cop. Come on.
1671 01:11:32 -Yes. Great. Thank you. -You're welcome.
1672 01:11:35 So, uh, still a no-go on the BJ, or...
1673 01:11:38 No, I'm good. Thanks.
1674 01:11:39 That's fine.
1675 01:11:42 Actually,
1676 01:11:44 there's somebody I want to introduce you to.
1677 01:11:47 -Right on! -Very nice to meet you.
1678 01:11:48 -Good to meet you, too. -This is so perfect.
1679 01:11:50 -Yeah, go. Please, go. -Okay. Okay.
1680 01:11:54 You got to do it, man. That's true love.
1681 01:12:13 Guys, I fell asleep.
1682 01:12:15 I fell asleep.
1683 01:12:17 I had this nightmare where we had all killed a guy.
1684 01:12:21 -That is a reality. -No, we killed somebody.
1685 01:12:22 What? No!
1686 01:12:24 Oh, my God! Jet lag is insane, you guys.
1687 01:12:29 It's no joke!
1688 01:12:30 No joke!
1689 01:12:32 Damn it!
1690 01:12:34 Did you happen to come up with a be-genius idea out there?
1691 01:12:38 Yeah, I did, actually.
1692 01:12:39 In my dream, I remembered that there was this guy in Australia
1693 01:12:43 who cooked his girlfriend and ate her.
1694 01:12:45 -Kiwi. -I can't 'cause I am vegan.
1695 01:12:48 -But... -Kiwi.
1696 01:12:49 Oh, God, I'm so tired.
1697 01:12:51 We should turn ourselves in. We're guilty.
1698 01:12:53 No, we are innocent, because this was an accident, you guys.
1699 01:12:56 Stop saying that.
1700 01:12:57 Maybe if you hadn't been lethally horny, we wouldn't be in this mess.
1701 01:13:01 I was coked up because you bought us drugs.
1702 01:13:04 I didn't force you to do the drugs, Alice.
1703 01:13:06 And you know what, nobody's talking about how it was
1704 01:13:08 Blair's idea to get a stripper in the first place.
1705 01:13:10 Yeah, but you're never to blame, right?
1706 01:13:12 "Look at me, I'm Frankie. I live in a storage unit.
1707 01:13:14 -"I'm saving the world." -You know what?
1708 01:13:15 You act like everybody's so stupid for not being a merciless asshole like you.
1709 01:13:19 -I'm the asshole? -I mean, you're both kind of assholes.
1710 01:13:21 -Stay out of this. -Seriously.
1711 01:13:23 Maybe you're the asshole, Alice.
1712 01:13:25 Oh, shit.
1713 01:13:27 Excuse me, bitch?
1714 01:13:29 I'm a fucking sweetheart.
1715 01:13:32 Well, then why do you insist on calling me Kiwi
1716 01:13:35 even though I told you it was culturally insensitive?
1717 01:13:38 And why did you feel the need to reach over and try to undo my seat belt
1718 01:13:42 in the taxicab on the way here?
1719 01:13:44 -Jesus Christ. -Yeah.
1720 01:13:46 That's an American bit.
1721 01:13:48 We do it as a joke. Okay? We all do it. Right?
1722 01:13:51 Come on, say it.
1723 01:13:52 -Alice! -Oh, my God, stop it, please.
1724 01:13:56 It's bad enough without you two going at it.
1725 01:13:57 And I thought your bridal shower was a nightmare.
1726 01:14:00 What are you talking about? She didn't have a bridal shower.
1727 01:14:03 No, she didn't.
1728 01:14:08 You had a bridal shower?
1729 01:14:11 Well, not really. I mean...
1730 01:14:14 It was, like, work friends. It wasn't a big deal.
1731 01:14:17 But Blair went?
1732 01:14:18 It wasn't even open bar.
1733 01:14:21 What? It wasn't.
1734 01:14:23 How could you not invite me?
1735 01:14:25 Alice, please. Please, can we drop it?
1736 01:14:27 Please. I'm telling you, it was just... It was for Peter's family.
1737 01:14:30 -It wasn't a big deal, man. -Oh, Peter.
1738 01:14:33 He is so annoying.
1739 01:14:35 And I know why he doesn't like me.
1740 01:14:38 'Cause he's, like, so freaking jealous.
1741 01:14:41 Peter is not jealous of you.
1742 01:14:42 Well, then, why would you not invite your best friend to your bridal shower?
1743 01:14:45 -Oh, my God, you really want to know why? -Yes! I do!
1744 01:14:48 Because I knew that if I invited you,
1745 01:14:50 you wouldn't let me talk to anybody else. That's why.
1746 01:14:53 Okay? You monopolize my time
1747 01:14:55 and then you make me feel guilty
1748 01:14:57 about not spending time with you. How can I win?
1749 01:14:59 Are you kidding me?
1750 01:15:01 I do not monopolize your time, Jess!
1751 01:15:03 I just try to make the most of it,
1752 01:15:04 'cause you don't even make an effort to see me anymore.
1753 01:15:06 -That's not true! -It is true.
1754 01:15:09 It is.
1755 01:15:11 I'm sorry, but you are always at work,
1756 01:15:13 or you're making plans with Peter.
1757 01:15:16 Or you're Skyping with other people.
1758 01:15:18 I can't do your stupid fucking accent.
1759 01:15:20 -No, you can't. -Yes, yes.
1760 01:15:22 We're not in college anymore, and things do change.
1761 01:15:26 The only thing that's changed is you.
1762 01:15:28 You've become obsessed
1763 01:15:30 with your perfect new life and your campaign and you ditched me.
1764 01:15:34 Oh, I am sorry that I don't want to talk about
1765 01:15:38 the time that we got drunk
1766 01:15:40 at O'Flaherty's 1Ø years ago!
1767 01:15:43 Well, you know what?
1768 01:15:44 I guess I never should have planned such a nice weekend for you.
1769 01:15:47 You know, you... God, you are so ungrateful.
1770 01:15:50 -Did you just say I was ungrateful? -Yes!
1771 01:15:52 You're an ungrateful person.
1772 01:15:55 You didn't plan this weekend for me.
1773 01:15:57 You planned this weekend for yourself,
1774 01:16:00 so that you could post a bunch of photos
1775 01:16:02 and not make your life seem so sad!
1776 01:16:11 I'm sorry, Jess.
1777 01:16:15 Uh...
1778 01:16:17 I'll leave you...
1779 01:16:19 I'll leave you alone from now on.
1780 01:16:22 Alice.
1781 01:16:25 Alice.
1782 01:16:31 Jess, that was really harsh.
1783 01:16:33 Oh, my God, I can't. I can't with the guilt. Please.
1784 01:16:36 I can't with any of this anymore.
1785 01:16:39 Jess, come on, dude.
1786 01:16:40 No. All we have done all night is make this situation worse, okay?
1787 01:16:45 We are turning ourselves in and that's the end.
1788 01:16:48 Now, I'm going upstairs to wipe this shit off my face,
1789 01:16:50 so I can at least look cute for my mug shot.
1790 01:16:55 And self-waxing is not weird.
1791 01:16:59 I don't appreciate your body-hair-removal shaming.
1792 01:17:04 Shame on you! And you!
1793 01:17:08 You've been fine.
1794 01:17:19 Did you hear that? What is that?
1795 01:17:22 -What is that? -Where is it?
1796 01:17:25 Where's it coming from?
1797 01:17:30 -Not these pillows. -Aw, fuck. No.
1798 01:17:35 Fuck, it's his phone.
1799 01:17:36 -Someone is looking for this guy. -Oh, my God.
1800 01:17:38 -Turn it off. -I'm trying!
1801 01:17:40 -What's going on? -Stop! Oh, my God.
1802 01:17:42 Someone is trying to track the stripper's phone and it looks like they're...
1803 01:17:48 Here.
1804 01:17:55 -Hello? -Miami PD.
1805 01:17:58 Have you seen this man?
1806 01:18:00 Oh, shit.
1807 01:18:03 We tracked his phone to this house.
1808 01:18:04 We know he's in there.
1809 01:18:08 It's over.
1810 01:18:10 The jig is up.
1811 01:18:17 Hey.
1812 01:18:19 He's dead.
1813 01:18:29 And I don't want ya
1814 01:18:30 And I don't need ya
1815 01:18:36 Hey, you, what do ya see?
1816 01:18:40 Something beautiful
1817 01:18:41 Or something free?
1818 01:18:52 You ladies are lucky.
1819 01:18:54 This man is very dangerous.
1820 01:18:56 This guy robbed a jewelry store and killed a security guard.
1821 01:18:58 -Lot of people looking for him. -Oh, my God. What?
1822 01:19:00 Mmm-hmm. Yeah. He was on the run.
1823 01:19:02 Probably came here looking for cover.
1824 01:19:04 Sir, I'm... I'm sorry.
1825 01:19:06 Um, foreigner here. Just sort of want to be clear on the local law.
1826 01:19:09 So, are we
1827 01:19:11 sort of, like, no longer in trouble?
1828 01:19:15 Sounds like self-defense to me, right?
1829 01:19:17 Oh, yeah, no, DA's not gonna want to
1830 01:19:18 press any charges on something like this. You're good.
1831 01:19:21 -Oh, my God. -No, you're kidding.
1832 01:19:22 -Oh, my God! -Are you shitting me?
1833 01:19:25 Oh, my God!
1834 01:19:27 -Oh, my God! -Oh, my God!
1835 01:19:31 We're heroes! We're heroes. We're American heroes.
1836 01:19:36 -Thank you, universe. -Jesus!
1837 01:19:41 We killed a guy! And it was right!
1838 01:19:44 We were right to kill him!
1839 01:19:46 Fuck, yeah!
1840 01:19:52 Jess.
1841 01:19:53 Hey, Jess. We're not going to jail.
1842 01:19:56 I still might be, for unrelated things, but you're not, you're safe.
1843 01:20:00 Jess?
1844 01:20:03 You should've seen us at the beginning. We were like Squabble City.
1845 01:20:06 We didn't like each other.
1846 01:20:07 Now I can't get her away from me. And I don't want to.
1847 01:20:10 Did he happen to mention the diamonds?
1848 01:20:12 Um, no, I think I would have remembered that.
1849 01:20:15 He didn't say much of anything.
1850 01:20:17 Ladies, it's... It's really important that you try to remember any details.
1851 01:20:21 He was cis male.
1852 01:20:24 Looked like he could, like, wash his car as a hobby activity.
1853 01:20:28 -Okay. -Oh, and he did have
1854 01:20:30 this, like, deep "V."
1855 01:20:31 Sort of like two large snakes pointing down to a penis.
1856 01:20:36 This is a big house.
1857 01:20:38 Any place he might've been able to stash something?
1858 01:20:40 Well, we did clean the entire house and never came across his coat or phone,
1859 01:20:44 so it's definitely a possibility.
1860 01:20:45 Tampon!
1861 01:20:47 -What? -Blair.
1862 01:20:48 -What? -I need a tampon.
1863 01:20:51 I thought you use David cups.
1864 01:20:53 -Yeah. -No, never.
1865 01:20:55 Fuck off. Only tampons, the best of tampons!
1866 01:20:59 You took them from us.
1867 01:21:01 -What? -And locked them in there,
1868 01:21:04 -and you have the key. -What are you talking about?
1869 01:21:06 I didn't lock away our tampons. I locked away our...
1870 01:21:09 Uh...
1871 01:21:12 Are we on the same page, Blair?
1872 01:21:15 -Yes. -Yo, yo.
1873 01:21:17 Lady, you want to get your friend a tampon or whatever?
1874 01:21:19 Okay. One tampon coming up.
1875 01:21:23 Okay...
1876 01:21:24 Just be right back with that.
1877 01:21:26 Well, I'm not on my period.
1878 01:21:28 It's good to know. Thanks.
1879 01:21:34 Key.
1880 01:21:36 Shit. Shit.
1881 01:21:40 Shh...
1882 01:21:45 Quiet, be quiet, be quiet.
1883 01:21:46 I just need to get my phone, okay?
1884 01:21:47 -What the fuck is that? -What's that?
1885 01:21:49 Nothing. It's... I don't know.
1886 01:21:50 -What the fuck was that? -This guy, it's another thing.
1887 01:21:53 -There's more people here? -The real stripper.
1888 01:21:55 -Yeah. That's the real stripper in there. -The actual guy...
1889 01:21:58 -I just need to get to my phone. -Get back! Get back!
1890 01:22:00 -I will not be your drug mule! -What? Shh! Stop. Stop. Stop.
1891 01:22:03 -You better get back. Yeah. -Stop. Shh!
1892 01:22:06 Breaking news and some updated information for everybody.
1893 01:22:09 These assailants are armed and they're dangerous.
1894 01:22:11 No, it's nothing, that's...
1895 01:22:12 So if you're inside your home,
1896 01:22:13 make sure your windows and your doors are locked.
1897 01:22:16 -Hey, Blondie! Come here! -No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
1898 01:22:19 Shh.
1899 01:22:21 -Oh, the tampon. -Yeah, I know.
1900 01:22:23 That's what I was... I was using the code.
1901 01:22:25 -I just want to get my real estate license! -Shut up.
1902 01:22:27 Freeze!
1903 01:22:29 Shut the fuck up! Don't move!
1904 01:22:31 What the hell's going on here? Come on. Let's go, move it. Let's go, tough guy.
1905 01:22:36 Everyone in America really does have a gun!
1906 01:22:40 Let's go! Come on. You, too. Move it.
1907 01:22:43 -Oh, my God. -Playtime's over.
1908 01:22:45 -We want those fucking diamonds now. -Look.
1909 01:22:48 I know you're mad at the 1%.
1910 01:22:49 -I am, too. -What? Shut up!
1911 01:22:52 -Tie them up now. -Let's go!
1912 01:23:16 Jess,
1913 01:23:18 when I was growing up, I didn't really have many friends.
1914 01:23:21 And when I left for college, my mom was worried about me.
1915 01:23:24 And so was I.
1916 01:23:25 But then we met, and the first night we went out,
1917 01:23:28 you didn't introduce me to people as your roommate,
1918 01:23:30 you introduced me as your friend.
1919 01:23:32 And I knew everything was gonna be okay.
1920 01:23:34 When I went home that summer
1921 01:23:36 and I showed my mom the photos of us hanging out,
1922 01:23:38 she was so happy.
1923 01:23:40 She doesn't always recognize me anymore, but when I show her those old photos,
1924 01:23:44 she says to me, "That's my daughter with all her friends."
1925 01:23:48 That's how she remembers me.
1926 01:23:50 Thanks to you.
1927 01:23:52 I can't wait to show her all the photos from this weekend.
1928 01:23:55 You were there for me, and I will always be here for you.
1929 01:23:59 Love, Alice.
1930 01:24:00 P. S. There are some wet wipes in here, because I ordered an ice cream cake
1931 01:24:04 and I know you have issues with dairy.
1932 01:24:07 Smiliest face.
1933 01:24:15 -Come here. Let's go. Come here. -They found me on Craigslist.
1934 01:24:18 I'm not even with them!
1935 01:24:20 God damn it.
1936 01:24:23 Oh, shit.
1937 01:24:25 Jay double-crossed us,
1938 01:24:26 and he took off with our score.
1939 01:24:29 So, tell me,
1940 01:24:30 -where'd he put it? -I told you, we don't know.
1941 01:24:33 Sir, I could wire you $50,00Ø right now if you just let us go, okay?
1942 01:24:37 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 5Ø, Ø00 what?
1943 01:24:40 There's over $2 million worth of diamonds in this house,
1944 01:24:42 and I am going to find them.
1945 01:24:44 You shoot anyone who moves.
1946 01:24:47 -Oh, my God. -Please.
1947 01:25:25 Fuck!
1948 01:25:26 Damn it! Fuck!
1949 01:25:30 Don't make a fucking sound or I will kill you.
1950 01:25:41 What?
1951 01:25:43 Handcuff yourself to the sink.
1952 01:25:45 -Fuck you. -Now.
1953 01:25:48 Okay. Okay.
1954 01:26:04 What the fuck?
1955 01:26:17 No...
1956 01:26:25 You don't know anything, huh? Well, that smells like bullshit.
1957 01:26:28 Hurry up, man!
1958 01:26:30 Do I look stupid to you?
1959 01:26:32 You expect me to believe that you killed Jay by accident?
1960 01:26:37 That's a bad accident.
1961 01:26:39 It's a big fucking accident.
1962 01:26:45 I am about to lose my fucking shit.
1963 01:26:47 Jay's dead, and you expect me to believe
1964 01:26:48 that you guys don't know anything? Hmm?
1965 01:26:50 New plan. You're gonna watch each other die,
1966 01:26:53 until one of you opens your fucking mouth!
1967 01:26:55 -And I'm gonna start with you. -No!
1968 01:26:57 -Oh, God. -I love you, Frankie.
1969 01:27:00 I love you, too.
1970 01:27:07 Jess! Jess!
1971 01:27:08 Yes!
1972 01:27:15 -Not her beautiful face! -Come on, Jess!
1973 01:27:21 Whoa.
1974 01:27:22 -You perv! -Come on.
1975 01:27:24 No, hey, hey, hey!
1976 01:27:25 Ow! Ow!
1977 01:27:27 You guys! The gun!
1978 01:27:30 Shimmy. Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.
1979 01:27:36 Okay. Okay.
1980 01:27:41 -Right there. -Okay. Yeah.
1981 01:27:42 -One. -Two.
1982 01:27:44 -Three! -Okay.
1983 01:27:45 Oh, God. Squat.
1984 01:27:47 -Oh, God. Oh, God. -Do you have it?
1985 01:27:49 Yes.
1986 01:27:56 Point me in his direction.
1987 01:28:02 I don't have a shot! Your leg is in the way!
1988 01:28:05 -No, no. Please. -Up!
1989 01:28:07 No, please.
1990 01:28:12 I shot a guy!
1991 01:28:13 -Yes! -I killed another person.
1992 01:28:16 You fucking...
1993 01:28:19 Yes!
1994 01:28:23 Oh, my God, you guys!
1995 01:28:26 That was awesome.
1996 01:28:27 -Alice, I'm so sorry. -No, I'm sorry.
1997 01:28:29 No. I said things that I didn't mean.
1998 01:28:32 I think it was just the stress of killing somebody
1999 01:28:34 and then trying to dispose of his body.
2000 01:28:36 -Wait, what? -Totally.
2001 01:28:38 -That's a hard thing. -Yeah, you're right.
2002 01:28:40 I have changed.
2003 01:28:41 I thought that I was making people's lives better,
2004 01:28:43 but I forgot about the people that make my life better, and that's you guys.
2005 01:28:46 -And I love you, and I'm sorry. -We love you, too.
2006 01:28:48 -We love you, too. -We love you.
2007 01:28:49 -We love you, Jess! -I'm sorry, too.
2008 01:28:52 And you know what? I know that I'm a lot.
2009 01:28:54 And you were right, I need to stop living in the past
2010 01:28:57 -and get a hobby, you know? -Well, it could help, right?
2011 01:28:59 Next time we see each other, we can make new memories
2012 01:29:01 instead of just talking about the old ones.
2013 01:29:04 Um, these zip ties are really starting to hurt.
2014 01:29:06 And I'm sorry about Peter, okay?
2015 01:29:07 He does not suck. You should totally marry him.
2016 01:29:10 -Well, I will. -Good. You should.
2017 01:29:12 I mean, I had a sex dream about him, and I didn't even tell you.
2018 01:29:15 No, you actually did tell me.
2019 01:29:16 -You told everybody. -You started a group text.
2020 01:29:18 It started with him brushing my hair...
2021 01:29:20 You know what? I'm gonna untie you guys now.
2022 01:29:21 -Awesome. -Yeah. Okay, great.
2023 01:29:22 -Here, give me the gun. -It was morning...
2024 01:29:24 Drop the gun!
2025 01:29:26 -Drop it. -Damn it.
2026 01:29:30 The keys were taped to the handcuffs, you fucking idiot.
2027 01:29:35 You're all dead. All of you.
2028 01:29:36 -No. No, Jess. -Yeah.
2029 01:29:39 Oh, really? Come on. Whatever.
2030 01:29:44 What? What? What?
2031 01:29:47 What?
2032 01:29:52 -Oh, my God! -Is that Peter?
2033 01:29:59 Oh, my God. Is he...
2034 01:30:01 -Peter! -You guys, what's happening back there?
2035 01:30:03 I can't see.
2036 01:30:06 -Peter? Peter. -Hmm?
2037 01:30:08 Peter.
2038 01:30:09 -Jess. -Are you okay?
2039 01:30:12 Do you not like my dick?
2040 01:30:15 What?
2041 01:30:16 Does it bend weird when it gets hard, or, like...
2042 01:30:18 -I don't know, is it... -What? No, I love it.
2043 01:30:21 So, you still want to get married?
2044 01:30:23 Yes. More than ever I want to get married. I love you.
2045 01:30:28 I want that.
2046 01:30:31 Peter...
2047 01:30:32 Let's just get married. Let's get married this weekend.
2048 01:30:35 Well, what about the campaign? Didn't you want to wait
2049 01:30:37 till after the election, and...
2050 01:30:38 I don't want to wait. Everyone I love is right here.
2051 01:30:41 -That's all that matters. -Oh.
2052 01:30:43 What about your parents?
2053 01:30:44 Oh, my parents aren't gonna care. They eloped.
2054 01:30:46 I mean, my mom did say to lock that down as soon as possible.
2055 01:30:49 -She did? -She loves you.
2056 01:30:52 -I love you. Let's do it. -Let's do it.
2057 01:30:54 Yes!
2058 01:30:56 Oh, I have the perfect place.
2059 01:31:01 Do you, Jessica, take Peter to be your husband?
2060 01:31:06 I do.
2061 01:31:07 And do you, Peter, take Jessica to be your wife?
2062 01:31:12 I definitely do.
2063 01:31:16 Now, by the power vested in me
2064 01:31:19 by GetOrdainedNow.net,
2065 01:31:23 I pronounce you husband and wife.
2066 01:31:25 You may kiss the groom.
2067 01:31:32 So glad I didn't sell our passes to the foam party.
2068 01:31:35 -Yeah! -Right?
2069 01:31:48 So, you guys are just not in trouble?
2070 01:31:50 No, we're, like, completely free.
2071 01:31:53 We've committed what in Florida is known as a "good murder."
2072 01:31:56 That's a direct quote from the Miami PD.
2073 01:31:58 So, not only do we not have to go to jail, but we got a sick coupon
2074 01:32:04 to Romano's Macaroni Grill.
2075 01:32:06 -Do you want to dance, Pippa? -Yeah, okay.
2076 01:32:09 But call me Kiwi, okay?
2077 01:32:11 All my best friends do.
2078 01:32:16 -Hey. -Hi.
2079 01:32:18 -Can I get you a drink? -Oh. Um...
2080 01:32:21 No.
2081 01:32:23 'Cause I'm on a date with someone else, so...
2082 01:32:26 -Hey. -Hot.
2083 01:32:28 You're a hot guy. Cool.
2084 01:32:34 -Here you go. -Oh.
2085 01:32:36 Oh, my God.
2086 01:32:39 Has anyone ever told you how beautiful your feet are?
2087 01:32:43 No one's ever said that to me before.
2088 01:32:46 You should've been told that a million times.
2089 01:32:49 Do you want to...
2090 01:32:51 -Fuck? -Fuck?
2091 01:32:53 Hey.
2092 01:32:55 Keep it moving. We're a thing.
2093 01:32:58 Love wins.
2094 01:33:00 What'd you just say?
2095 01:33:02 I don't know. I mean, who knows if it will work out?
2096 01:33:05 And I don't know how you're gonna get to New York. I guess hitchhike, but...
2097 01:33:08 I already have my bags packed, actually, so...
2098 01:33:10 Well, just 'cause I'm between places...
2099 01:33:14 Shut up.
2100 01:33:18 Yeah, yeah.
2101 01:33:21 Okay. Yeah.
2102 01:33:22 Babe. It's for you.
2103 01:33:25 -Hello? -Jess, it's me.
2104 01:33:27 That story about you and your friends taking out those criminals is everywhere!
2105 01:33:30 Okay? We're getting donations and volunteers.
2106 01:33:32 -What? -Jess, you're gonna win this thing.
2107 01:33:35 Are you serious? That's amazing.
2108 01:33:37 Yeah, we're getting a ton of media requests.
2109 01:33:39 Okay, Good Morning America, Ellen.
2110 01:33:41 Okay, you have to get back here right now. I'm gonna get you out on the next flight.
2111 01:33:45 Do you prefer window or aisle?
2112 01:33:46 I'm more of a middle seat guy myself, but...
2113 01:33:48 You know what? I'm actually getting married.
2114 01:33:50 But, um, I'll be there first thing Monday morning.
2115 01:33:53 You're getting married? Jess, I'm in love with you.
2116 01:33:57 -Take a picture of us? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2117 01:33:58 Cool!
2118 01:34:00 -I love you guys. -We love you.
2119 01:34:03 Three.
2120 01:34:06 Can I see?
2121 01:34:08 Um...
2122 01:34:09 -No. -My arm looks too thick.
2123 01:34:13 -Another one? -One more.
2124 01:34:14 Okay, okay, okay.
2125 01:34:20 -Ooh. I love it. -That, I love.
2126 01:34:21 -Alice, you can tag me. -Finally.
2127 01:34:28 We are what
2128 01:34:30 These days we only follow
2129 01:34:32 These days we're feeling hollow
2130 01:34:34 Get paid, the only motto
2131 01:34:38 We are what
2132 01:34:40 They say it all gets better
2133 01:34:42 They say it won't last forever
2134 01:34:45 Then someone pulls the trigger
2135 01:34:48 We are what
2136 01:34:52 The fame, the fame
2137 01:34:55 I want to hear my name
2138 01:34:57 But I don't care
2139 01:34:59 What for
2140 01:35:02 I'll change the world
2141 01:35:05 Save all those trees and birds
2142 01:35:07 But first I'll grab a Starbucks
2143 01:35:10 Then I'll get to work
2144 01:35:12 All on
2145 01:35:13 Thank God it's the weekend
2146 01:35:15 My squad
2147 01:35:16 Got time, we can waste it
2148 01:35:17 Don't know
2149 01:35:19 Should we drive to the sunset or the fire?
2150 01:35:22 It's like
2151 01:35:23 We live in the bubble
2152 01:35:25 Pretending it's 'cause we are young
2153 01:35:27 We are what
2154 01:35:29 These days we only follow
2155 01:35:31 These days we're feeling hollow
2156 01:35:34 Get paid, the only motto
2157 01:35:37 We are what
2158 01:35:39 They say it all gets better
2159 01:35:41 They say it won't last forever
2160 01:35:44 Then someone pulls the trigger
2161 01:35:48 We've got hearts in the right places
2162 01:35:52 But we're still a danger to ourselves
2163 01:35:56 Maybe it's 'cause we are young
2164 01:35:58 We are what
2165 01:36:04 Congratulations to State Senator Jess Thayer!
2166 01:36:09 Thank you.
2167 01:36:10 My number one boss bitch! Whoo!
2168 01:36:15 And now to celebrate her win, we have a special request.
2169 01:36:19 Me?
2170 01:36:23 Thank you so much.
2171 01:36:25 I actually have a surprise for all of you. Um...
2172 01:36:28 I've written a song
2173 01:36:30 that I hope can sort of encapsulate,
2174 01:36:34 um, the bond of friendship that we all have.
2175 01:36:38 And so, I want to play it for you now.
2176 01:36:41 Sometimes
2177 01:36:46 You kill a man
2178 01:36:49 When he's taking off his clothes for you
2179 01:36:54 You kill a man
2180 01:36:58 You kill him with your friends
2181 01:37:01 And he dies
2182 01:37:04 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
2183 01:37:07 Jesus, it's good.
2184 01:37:08 Other times
2185 01:37:12 When you kill a man
2186 01:37:15 You need to toss his body in the ocean
2187 01:37:21 And you don't care
2188 01:37:24 'Cause your friends are there by your side
2189 01:37:30 They make it fun
2190 01:37:33 I love you, girls
2191 01:37:36 I love you, Pippa!
2192 01:37:38 We killed a man
2193 01:37:40 We made a plan
2194 01:37:43 You are my friends
2195 01:37:46 And I'll never forget
2196 01:37:49 This bachelorette
2197 01:37:53 This bachelorette
2198 01:37:59 That's the end.
2199 01:39:14 -Do you guys want to come up? -Um...
2200 01:39:17 No, no, no. Don't come up. Don't come up.
2201 01:39:19 -'Cause I got to do stuff. -What?
2202 01:39:21 So, I will see you at Nussbaum's at 1Ø:ØØ.
2203 01:39:24 No, no. 12:3Ø.
2204 01:39:26 -Okay. -I don't want to get up.
2205 01:39:29 Okay, you guys, go. Go, go, go.
2206 01:39:30 We want to make sure that you get in okay.
2207 01:39:32 -You're obsessed with me. -We love you.
2208 01:39:35 I love you.
2209 01:39:46 Bullshit.
2210 01:39:53 Yes!
2211 01:39:55 Whoo! Ah...