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1 00:03:13 I have decidedto keep a journal.
2 00:03:15 Not in a word programor digital file,
3 00:03:17 but in longhand,
4 00:03:20 writing every word out
5 00:03:22 so that every inflectionof penmanship,
6 00:03:24 every word chosen,
7 00:03:25 scratched out, revised,is recorded.
8 00:03:29 To set down all my thoughts
9 00:03:30 and the simple eventsof my day factually
10 00:03:32 and without hiding anything.
11 00:03:36 When writing about oneself,one should show no mercy.
12 00:03:40 I will keep this diaryfor one year, 12 months.
13 00:03:45 And at the end of that time,it will be destroyed.
14 00:03:48 Shredded, then burnt.The experiment will be over.
15 00:04:10 Please rise.
16 00:04:17 What is thy only comfortin life and death?
17 00:04:20 That Iwith body and soul,
18 00:04:22 both in life and death,
19 00:04:24 am not my own,
20 00:04:26 but belong unto my faithfulSavior Jesus Christ,
21 00:04:29 who with his precious blood...
22 00:04:31 These thoughtsand recollections
23 00:04:33 are not so different
24 00:04:34 from those I confide to Godevery morning.
25 00:04:38 When it is possible.When he is listening.
26 00:04:46 Bread of life.The cup of salvation.
27 00:04:55 Bread of life.The cup of salvation.
28 00:05:00 Bread of life.The cup of salvation.
29 00:05:03 This journalis a form of speaking,
30 00:05:06 of communicationfrom one to the other.
31 00:05:10 A communicationwhich can be achieved simply
32 00:05:13 and in repose withoutprostration or abnegation.
33 00:05:18 It is a form of prayer.
34 00:05:20 Bread of life.The cup of salvation.
35 00:05:33 There, uh, is a leakin the men's restroom.
36 00:05:36 No, I fixed it.
37 00:05:37 No. I was just there.It's still leaking.
38 00:05:39 Same place.Under the hot faucet.
39 00:05:41 What aboutthe women's room?
40 00:05:43 The women's is fine.Uh, do you want me to call
41 00:05:45 the plumberfrom Abundant Life?
42 00:05:46 No, I'll haveanother crack at it.
43 00:05:48 I hate always bugging themfor extra little costs.
44 00:05:50 They don't mind.That's what they're there for.
45 00:05:52 And you're totallywithin your budget.
46 00:05:53 Still, I don't want to.
47 00:05:56 Have you posted the sermon?
48 00:05:58 Yes. I did it this morning.
49 00:06:01 - Oh, hi...- Reverend?
50 00:06:02 Yes, uh... Mary, right?
51 00:06:04 - Mary Mansana.- Yeah. Nice to see you again.
52 00:06:07 I wanted to talk,if that's okay.
53 00:06:10 Yeah, yeah, yeah.Come on in, Mary.
54 00:06:10 I'll be right back.
55 00:06:11 Mary, how can I help you?
56 00:06:13 Um, I was wondering ifyou would talk
57 00:06:14 - to my husband, Michael.- Oh, sure. I...
58 00:06:16 Actually, not now.He has to...
59 00:06:17 He has to go to work.
60 00:06:18 He has to fill inat Home Depot.
61 00:06:22 Mary? What is it?
62 00:06:26 I'm worried about him.
63 00:06:27 He's involvedin the Green Planet movement.
64 00:06:29 - It's an activist group.- Mmm-hmm.
65 00:06:31 And he was in jail in Canada.
66 00:06:33 And he just got outtwo weeks ago.
67 00:06:35 He just sits around at home.
68 00:06:37 He doesn't...He doesn't go out.
69 00:06:38 I got himto fill out a temp form
70 00:06:40 for Home... For Home Depot.
71 00:06:42 - Okay.- Um, so that's good.
72 00:06:44 Are you sure you don't wantto go to Abundant Life?
73 00:06:45 They have a whole teamof counselors over there,
74 00:06:47 who are trained and...
75 00:06:48 I know,but he doesn't want to.
76 00:06:50 He thinks it's more ofa company than a church.
77 00:06:52 And so, he saidhe would talk to you.
78 00:06:56 Uh, all right. Tomorrow?
79 00:07:00 - After lunch?- Great. Great.
80 00:07:01 I'll just need the, uh...I just need an address.
81 00:07:04 And, uh, can you tell mea little more?
82 00:07:06 Oh, he applied forCompassionate Release
83 00:07:08 when he found out.
84 00:07:10 He was at Fort Providence.They let him out early.
85 00:07:12 Wait, now. Um, found out what?
86 00:07:13 That I... I was pregnant.
87 00:07:15 Oh. Hmm. Congratulations.
88 00:07:18 Thanks.
89 00:07:21 He... He thinks it's wrong tobring a child into this world.
90 00:07:28 He wants to kill our baby.
91 00:07:35 I assisted Sunday
92 00:07:36 the youth groupat Abundant Life.
93 00:07:38 The young people wereso excited, so full of life.
94 00:07:41 They were open.They welcomed communion.
95 00:07:48 Maybe I shouldn't careabout whether people like me.
96 00:07:52 Did Jesus worryabout being liked?
97 00:07:58 I look at the last linesI wrote with disdain.
98 00:08:04 Twelve months.
99 00:08:06 Can I keep up an exercisethat long?
100 00:08:23 When I read these words,I see not truth, but pride.
101 00:08:32 I wish I had not usedthe word pride.
102 00:08:35 But I cannot cross it out.
103 00:08:42 If only I could pray.
104 00:09:40 Hi, Reverend.
105 00:09:42 - Hi. Is Michael home?- Yeah. Come on in.
106 00:09:45 Okay. Yeah.
107 00:09:50 - Hey. Good to see you.- Nice to see you.
108 00:09:53 Um, would you likesome coffee?
109 00:09:56 Yes. But, um...
110 00:09:57 We're... I...I think we have some tea.
111 00:09:59 Yes. That would be better.
112 00:10:00 - Okay.- Thanks.
113 00:10:03 Let me take your coat?
114 00:10:05 Um, no, it's okay.I got it.
115 00:10:09 Come on in.
116 00:10:15 Yeah. I don't know why Mary...
117 00:10:16 There's no need to apologize.
118 00:10:18 No, uh... She told methat you've been up in Canada.
119 00:10:22 Uh, yeah. Uh, Fort Providence.
120 00:10:26 It's, uh,in the Mackenzie Delta.
121 00:10:28 It's way in the north.
122 00:10:29 Yeah. Beautiful country,I imagine.
123 00:10:31 Yeah, it is.
124 00:10:36 Mary said things have beengetting you down?
125 00:10:41 Uh, yeah, things.
126 00:10:43 Yeah, you could say that.Yeah.
127 00:10:46 Oh! Thank you very much.
128 00:10:48 - It's hot.- Perfect.
129 00:10:50 Thank you.
130 00:11:01 - Well, Mary is pregnant.- Hmm.
131 00:11:04 Yeah. How far along is she?
132 00:11:06 Uh, 20 weeks.
133 00:11:08 - Congratulations.- Thanks.
134 00:11:18 Hey, how old are you,Reverend?
135 00:11:23 I'm 46.
136 00:11:28 Uh, 33.
137 00:11:31 That's... That's how oldour child will be in 2050.
138 00:11:34 - Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.- You know, that's...
139 00:11:37 That's two years olderthan I am right now.
140 00:11:39 Mmm-hmm.
141 00:11:41 - You'll be 81.- Yeah.
142 00:11:45 Hey, you know what the worldwill be like in 2050?
143 00:11:48 Hmm. Hard to imagine.
144 00:11:51 Yeah, you think?
145 00:11:53 I mean, Reverend...
146 00:11:55 Uh, the worldis changing so fast.
147 00:12:00 And right in front of us.
148 00:12:01 I mean, one thirdof the natural world
149 00:12:04 has been destroyedin your lifetime.
150 00:12:07 You know,the earth's temperature
151 00:12:08 will be three degreescentigrade higher.
152 00:12:12 Four is the threshold.
153 00:12:14 You know? "Severe, widespread,and irreversible impacts."
154 00:12:18 And when scientists saystuff like that, you know?
155 00:12:22 And National Center forAtmospheric Research,
156 00:12:27 Lawrence Livermore,
157 00:12:28 the Potsdam Institute.Uh, Reverend...
158 00:12:30 He went on like thatfor some time.
159 00:12:33 By 2050, sea levels two feethigher on the East Coast.
160 00:12:36 Low lying areas underwateracross the world.
161 00:12:39 Bangladesh, 20% lossof landmass.
162 00:12:42 Central Africa, 50% reductionin crops due to drought.
163 00:12:45 The Western reservoirsdried up.
164 00:12:47 Climate change refugees.Epidemics. Extreme weather.
165 00:12:51 You know, the...
166 00:12:54 The bad times,they will begin.
167 00:12:56 And from that point,everything moves very quickly.
168 00:13:00 You know,this social structure
169 00:13:01 can't bear the stressof multiple crises.
170 00:13:05 Opportunistic diseases,
171 00:13:07 anarchy, martial law,the tipping point.
172 00:13:09 And this isn't in some,like, distant future.
173 00:13:11 You will live to see this.
174 00:13:14 You know, my children willexperience this unliveability.
175 00:13:18 This, uh...
176 00:13:20 Damn. I'm sorry. I just...You know, I...
177 00:13:22 I thought things could change,you know?
178 00:13:25 I thought... I thoughtpeople would listen.
179 00:13:27 Do you have thoughtsof harming yourself?
180 00:13:31 No.
181 00:13:33 Why? Did... Did Mary saysomething like that?
182 00:13:35 No. No.
183 00:13:37 No, I'm not worriedfor myself. I just...
184 00:13:40 This world is gonna bewhat it is.
185 00:13:43 Um... But can I ask youa question, Reverend?
186 00:13:46 Mmm-hmm.
187 00:13:48 How do you sanctionbringing in a little girl,
188 00:13:52 uh, for argument's sake,let's just say that, uh,
189 00:13:56 Mary and I's, uh, child,it's a little girl.
190 00:14:04 You know,a child that's so full of hope
191 00:14:08 and naive beliefs,
192 00:14:10 into a worldwhere that little girl, uh...
193 00:14:15 She grows upto be a young woman
194 00:14:17 and she looks you in the eyes
195 00:14:19 and she says that you knewthis all along, didn't you?
196 00:14:26 You see, that...
197 00:14:30 I mean, what? What are yousupposed to say then?
198 00:14:36 There's somethinggrowing inside Mary.
199 00:14:38 Something as aliveas a tree, surely.
200 00:14:43 As an endangered species.
201 00:14:46 Something full of the beautyand mystery of nature.
202 00:14:53 You said sanction?
203 00:14:57 You think Mary should havean abortion?
204 00:15:00 This birth,is that your right?
205 00:15:01 Is that your decision?
206 00:15:03 Have you asked Marywhat she thinks?
207 00:15:11 Look, this... This isn't...
208 00:15:13 It's not about your baby.
209 00:15:16 It's not about Mary.
210 00:15:19 It's about youand your despair.
211 00:15:22 Your lack of hope.
212 00:15:25 Look, people have,throughout history,
213 00:15:28 have woken upin the dead of the night,
214 00:15:30 confronted by blackness.
215 00:15:32 The sense that our livesare without meaning.
216 00:15:36 The Sickness Unto Death.
217 00:15:37 Yeah, but this issomething different.
218 00:15:39 Yeah, no.Man's great achievements
219 00:15:41 have brought him to the placewhere life as we know it
220 00:15:45 may ceasein the foreseeable future.
221 00:15:47 Yes, that's new.
222 00:15:49 But the blackness
223 00:15:52 that's not.
224 00:15:54 We are scientific people.We want to solve things.
225 00:15:56 We want rational answers.
226 00:15:58 Right? And if...
227 00:16:00 If humankind can't overcomeits immediate interests
228 00:16:04 enough to ensure its ownsurvival, then you're right.
229 00:16:06 The only rational responseis despair.
230 00:16:10 But do you think that, that...
231 00:16:11 That there's any existenceapart from this?
232 00:16:15 This here, right now?
233 00:16:16 - Uh, yes.- Yeah, right.
234 00:16:17 - Before us. After us.- Yeah.
235 00:16:19 - Yeah.- Yeah. Wait a second.
236 00:16:20 You're talking aboutthe next lifetime? Huh?
237 00:16:22 You really... You just, uh...
238 00:16:24 I felt likeI was Jacob
239 00:16:26 wrestling all night longwith the angel.
240 00:16:28 Fighting in the grasp.
241 00:16:30 Every sentence,every question,
242 00:16:32 every responsea mortal struggle.
243 00:16:35 It was exhilarating.
244 00:16:37 You believein martyrdom, Reverend?
245 00:16:39 I'm not sure I knowwhat you mean.
246 00:16:40 You know, the Saints of God,
247 00:16:42 the early Christians whowouldn't renounce their faith?
248 00:16:45 The missionarieswho were attacked
249 00:16:47 in the fields of the Lord.
250 00:16:49 Do you believethat they died for a purpose?
251 00:16:50 - I do.- Well, every week,
252 00:16:52 activists are killed tryingto protect the environment.
253 00:16:57 A hundred-and-seventeen werekilled last year
254 00:17:00 for their beliefs.
255 00:17:03 All right, right there.
256 00:17:04 Uh, this is José ClaudioRibeiro da Silva.
257 00:17:08 Huh? And that's his wife,Maria.
258 00:17:13 They weregunned down
259 00:17:16 in 2011 in the Amazon.
260 00:17:20 You know, they were protesting
261 00:17:22 free cuttingof the rain forest
262 00:17:25 Hey, uh... This isDorothy Stang, 2005.
263 00:17:29 She was, um, a nun from Ohio.
264 00:17:34 And what, what was the purposeof their deaths?
265 00:17:44 You know, in, uh...
266 00:17:45 In 2010, the IPCC predicted
267 00:17:48 that if drastic actionwasn't taken by 2015,
268 00:17:52 environmental collapsewould be irreversible.
269 00:17:57 And nothing was done.
270 00:18:01 And now it's 2017.
271 00:18:04 You saidyou respected me.
272 00:18:06 What I...What I've been through.
273 00:18:09 Yes.
274 00:18:10 So, you know my story.
275 00:18:15 - Yeah, you were a chaplain.- Uh-huh.
276 00:18:17 My father taught at VMI.
277 00:18:20 I encouraged my son to enlist.
278 00:18:21 It was the family tradition.
279 00:18:23 Uh, like his father,my father before me.
280 00:18:28 A patriotic tradition.
281 00:18:33 My wife, uh, was very opposed.
282 00:18:37 My son enlisted anyway.And, uh...
283 00:18:40 Six months laterhe was dead in Iraq. Right?
284 00:18:45 I talked my son into a war
285 00:18:48 that hadno moral justification.
286 00:18:52 My wife could no longerlive with me.
287 00:18:54 I left the military.
288 00:18:57 I was lost.
289 00:19:01 And Reverend Jeffersfrom Abundant Life,
290 00:19:05 he gave me this position
291 00:19:06 at First Reformedand here I am.
292 00:19:08 Now Michael, I can promise you
293 00:19:11 that whatever despair you feel
294 00:19:14 about bringing a childinto this world
295 00:19:17 cannot equal the despairof taking a child from it.
296 00:19:34 Hey, what... What was his,his name? Your son?
297 00:19:40 Joseph.
298 00:19:43 The boy thrown down the well.
299 00:19:45 - Yeah. I remember.- Mmm-hmm.
300 00:19:46 The dreamer.
301 00:19:48 The dreamer, yeah. Yeah.
302 00:19:54 And you were ableto just go on?
303 00:19:56 Courage is the solutionto despair.
304 00:20:01 Reason provides no answers.
305 00:20:07 I can't knowwhat the future will bring.
306 00:20:09 We have to choosedespite uncertainty.
307 00:20:13 Wisdom is holdingtwo contradictory truths
308 00:20:17 in our mind, simultaneously.
309 00:20:20 Hope and despair.
310 00:20:23 A life without despairis a life without hope.
311 00:20:25 Holding these two ideasin our head is life itself.
312 00:20:44 Are you a drinking man,Reverend?
313 00:20:47 It doesn't help.
314 00:20:48 No, I suppose not.
315 00:20:57 Can God forgive us?
316 00:21:04 For what we've, uh,done to this world?
317 00:21:08 I don't know.
318 00:21:11 Who can know the mind of God?
319 00:21:15 But we can choose
320 00:21:19 a righteous life.
321 00:21:21 Belief...
322 00:21:23 Forgiveness...
323 00:21:27 Grace covers us all.
324 00:21:32 I believe that.
325 00:21:42 Let's... Let's meet again.
326 00:21:44 Want to?
327 00:21:46 Tomorrow after lunch,same time.
328 00:21:49 Okay yeah. It's a...It's a plan.
329 00:21:54 I went over everythingthat was said,
330 00:21:56 what should have been said,
331 00:21:58 what could have beensaid differently,
332 00:22:00 what could have beensaid better.
333 00:22:03 "I know thatnothing can change
334 00:22:05 "and I know there is no hope."
335 00:22:08 Thomas Merton wrote this.
336 00:22:12 Despair is a developmentof pride so great
337 00:22:16 that it choosesone's certitude
338 00:22:18 rather than admit God ismore creative than we are.
339 00:22:23 Perhaps it's betterI didn't say that to him.
340 00:23:03 Who am I to talk about pride?
341 00:23:25 Well, to begin, the churchwas constructed in 1767
342 00:23:30 in a style we now callDutch Colonial.
343 00:23:32 It was made by settlers...Follow me.
344 00:23:35 Using local timber.
345 00:23:36 First Reformedtook seven years to build.
346 00:23:40 The Vei Plancks.
347 00:23:41 Uh, Effie here, her tombstonedates back to 1787.
348 00:23:44 The churchwas partially rebuilt
349 00:23:46 in 1837 following a fire.
350 00:23:49 This sectionremains preserved.
351 00:23:53 If you look closely behindthe Continental Army Flag,
352 00:23:56 you'll find two bullet holes
353 00:23:59 from shots fired duringthe Skirmish of Snowbridge.
354 00:24:03 In two monthswe're celebrating
355 00:24:05 our 250th anniversary.
356 00:24:08 Here is an example of someof the church's chinaware
357 00:24:11 brought overfrom the Netherlands.
358 00:24:12 And the first chalice.It's beautiful.
359 00:24:15 And here,this is the original key
360 00:24:17 from the front doorbefore the fire.
361 00:24:19 Yeah.
362 00:24:20 And in that cabinetwe have, um,
363 00:24:22 souvenirs that are for sale.
364 00:24:24 We have mugs, caps, postcards,key chains, pens, t-shirts.
365 00:24:29 What size are these?
366 00:24:30 Unfortunately,they are all small.
367 00:24:31 I have some more on order,
368 00:24:32 but I'm waiting for themto come in.
369 00:24:34 The caps are great, though.
370 00:24:36 It's a one size fits all.
371 00:24:40 The pulpit was donated in 1879by William Mercer.
372 00:24:44 And the church organ,
373 00:24:46 which unfortunatelyisn't working at this time,
374 00:24:50 uh, was manufacturedin England by A.G. Hill.
375 00:24:54 Did you hear the one about
376 00:24:56 the Choir Mistressand the Minister?
377 00:24:58 No.
378 00:25:00 She chased himaround the church
379 00:25:01 and caught him by the organ.
380 00:25:04 Oh. No, I, uh...
381 00:25:07 I hadn't heard that one.
382 00:25:08 All right. Come on. Follow me.
383 00:25:11 All right. Thank you allvery much.
384 00:25:14 - Be well.- Thank you.
385 00:25:15 Yeah. Thanks a lot.
386 00:25:20 Drive safe.
387 00:25:25 Thanks.
388 00:27:00 Okay, take five.
389 00:27:05 Penny for your thoughts?
390 00:27:07 Oh. Joel wanted to talk to me.
391 00:27:10 - Nothing serious, I hope.- Oh, I assume not.
392 00:27:14 You want to have lunch?
393 00:27:16 Well, I have something after,but uh, yeah.
394 00:27:19 I could sit with youfor a second.
395 00:27:23 Oh, remember that?
396 00:27:25 What?
397 00:27:27 When everythingwas ahead of you.
398 00:27:30 Yeah. But trytelling them that.
399 00:27:34 See you then.
400 00:27:57 Hello.
401 00:27:58 - Reverend Toller.- Yes.
402 00:27:59 - Oh. Go right in.- Okay.
403 00:28:00 He's expecting you.
404 00:28:09 Um, this is...That's my wife's stuff. So.
405 00:28:13 Go ahead and deal with it.
406 00:28:17 Oh, good! Reverend Toller.
407 00:28:18 Come on in.
408 00:28:20 Roger, make sureyou get back to me
409 00:28:22 as soon as you can on that.
410 00:28:23 Hey Reverend.
411 00:28:25 Good seeing you. Why don't youhave a seat there?
412 00:28:27 Roger, okay to leavethat door open.
413 00:28:29 Can I get you a wateror anything?
414 00:28:30 Oh, no. I'm good. I'm good.
415 00:28:32 So, how are thingsover at First Reformed?
416 00:28:35 Oh, busy. You know how it is.
417 00:28:36 You do one thing to the other,
418 00:28:38 next thing you knowit's Sunday again.
419 00:28:40 Yeah, tell me about it.
420 00:28:42 Well, I brought you in,I wanted to ask you
421 00:28:43 about the 250thReconsecration.
422 00:28:46 Now, that's justaround the corner.
423 00:28:48 Yeah, of course.It's only eight weeks away.
424 00:28:50 And how's the planninggoing on that?
425 00:28:52 Well, your officeis handling the invitations
426 00:28:55 and I'm a little worriedabout seating.
427 00:28:56 I mean, because we haveyour staff.
428 00:28:58 We have the Elders.We have the Deacons.
429 00:28:59 We have the Governor,his people.
430 00:29:01 The Mayor, his people.
431 00:29:02 We don't have any roomfor spillover.
432 00:29:04 You know, it's the Sanctuaryand that's it.
433 00:29:06 You know what?I think we'll simulcast
434 00:29:08 the ceremony here,in the main room.
435 00:29:10 - All right.- So that's 5,000 seats.
436 00:29:11 Yeah, okay. Well then...
437 00:29:13 We can do the receptionin the rotunda.
438 00:29:15 The, um...The organ at First Reformed.
439 00:29:18 - Is that fixed?- Oh right, yeah. No, it's not.
440 00:29:20 We're waiting on some pieces.
441 00:29:23 I don't... It was...It's just more complicated
442 00:29:25 than we thought at first.
443 00:29:26 Well, we can't havea reconsecration
444 00:29:28 without an organ.
445 00:29:31 "A Mighty Fortressis Our God."
446 00:29:34 That's all organ.
447 00:29:35 Did you know that, uh,
448 00:29:37 Martin Luther wrotethat in an outhouse?
449 00:29:39 Oh. Yeah.
450 00:29:40 "A Mighty Fortress..."
451 00:29:46 I think every seminarianknows that one.
452 00:29:48 Oh, man, I cannot getthat image out of my mind.
453 00:29:51 I mean, whenever I seethat song going
454 00:29:55 on and I can look aroundthe congregation
455 00:29:56 and know everybody's thinkingthe same thing.
456 00:29:58 This man, oh, goodness.Oh, makes me laugh.
457 00:30:03 Anyway, have you, uh,prepared your remarks?
458 00:30:06 Ugh, no. Not yet. But, I will.
459 00:30:10 So, how are you?
460 00:30:11 Oh, I'm fine.
461 00:30:13 No, really.
462 00:30:15 I mean, it's been a whilesince we've talked.
463 00:30:18 And you know,even a pastor needs a pastor.
464 00:30:21 We should do it, okay?
465 00:30:23 I'd like that.
466 00:30:24 Good. And come by heremore often.
467 00:30:26 You should get out. Come on byand be a part of things.
468 00:30:29 So many activitiesyou can do. And...
469 00:30:31 - And the kids like you a lot.- Mmm.
470 00:30:33 They always speakhighly of you.
471 00:30:34 So you can getout of that, uh...
472 00:30:36 What is the play? What do theylike to call it,
473 00:30:38 over where you are? The, uh...The museum.
474 00:30:41 The souvenir shop.
475 00:30:43 They call itthe souvenir shop.
476 00:30:45 Well, good. Well, good.You're doing a great job.
477 00:30:48 I'm gratefulfor the opportunity.
478 00:31:21 How was Jeffers?
479 00:31:22 Oh. He wants meto meet Ed Balq.
480 00:31:25 Balq Industries, Balq Energy,Balq Paper, Balq Peanuts...
481 00:31:29 Why?
482 00:31:30 Well, it's all aboutthe Reconsecration.
483 00:31:34 And apparently Mr. Balq wantsto make sure he gets
484 00:31:37 proper credit for underwritingthe whole thing.
485 00:31:39 Well, he should.
486 00:31:41 First Reformed would bea parking lot
487 00:31:42 - if it wasn't for him.- I guess.
488 00:31:46 Did you see the doctor?
489 00:31:49 Yes. I made an appointment.
490 00:31:50 There was a bit of a hang up
491 00:31:52 with the insurancecompany, but...
492 00:31:53 God, they make itso difficult.
493 00:31:56 Yeah, well.That's what they do.
494 00:31:59 Mmm-hmm.
495 00:32:00 You need someoneto take care of you.
496 00:32:05 Esther, we tried that.I'm not made for that.
497 00:32:10 For what? Love?You're not made for love?
498 00:32:15 My marriage was a failure.
499 00:32:18 No marriage can survivethe loss of a child.
500 00:32:28 It's not right.
501 00:32:33 Is that what you think?
502 00:32:35 That what we did togetherwas a sin?
503 00:32:37 That we transgressed?
504 00:32:38 No. That's not what I think.
505 00:32:41 I've seen enough real sinto know the difference.
506 00:32:44 It's just...
507 00:32:46 Okay?
508 00:32:48 Okay. I understand, I...
509 00:32:52 I care about you.I want you to be happy.
510 00:32:56 Well, I am happy.
511 00:33:05 Some are calledfor their gregariousness,
512 00:33:08 some are calledfor their suffering.
513 00:33:11 Others are calledfor their loneliness.
514 00:33:15 They are called by God,
515 00:33:16 because through the vesselof communication
516 00:33:18 they can reach out,
517 00:33:19 and hold beating heartsin their hands.
518 00:33:23 They are called because oftheir all-consuming knowledge
519 00:33:26 of the emptiness of all things
520 00:33:28 that can only be filledby the presence of Our Savior.
521 00:33:37 - Yes?- Reverend Toller?
522 00:33:39 - Oh!- It's me.
523 00:33:41 Yes, Mary? I got your messageabout rescheduling.
524 00:33:45 You must come over. Now.
525 00:33:48 Is Michael there?
526 00:33:50 No. He's at work.You must come over. Now.
527 00:33:53 Okay. Okay.
528 00:34:19 Thanks for coming.
529 00:34:24 Follow me.
530 00:34:43 I was, uh, lookingfor some batteries,
531 00:34:46 'cause we were out.And I thought maybe
532 00:34:49 there'd be some in here,you know?
533 00:34:50 And then somethingjust didn't seem right.
534 00:34:55 Okay, I put everything backthe way I found it,
535 00:34:57 'cause I wanted you to seehow it was.
536 00:35:18 Explosives?
537 00:35:20 It's a suicide vest.
538 00:35:23 And there's other elementsin there too.
539 00:35:24 There's batteriesand, um, detonators
540 00:35:28 and tubes of jelly.
541 00:35:32 You know, he'd been workingin the garage lately.
542 00:35:35 And he said he wasfixing a motor.
543 00:35:39 And I didn't question him.
544 00:35:40 Cause I... I was just happy
545 00:35:42 that he was doing somethingthat made him happy.
546 00:35:44 But you had no ideathat he was thinking of...
547 00:35:46 No. No suspicions.Nothing like this.
548 00:35:49 All right. Well. I'm gonnatake this. All right?
549 00:35:52 This cannot remain here.
550 00:35:54 I'm gonna take itand dispose of it. And...
551 00:35:57 You're not gonnago to the police?
552 00:36:00 No, I won't... Do you...Do you want me to?
553 00:36:01 No! No, no, no.
554 00:36:03 I don't think it'd help.
555 00:36:05 I don't think anything good
556 00:36:06 will come from himfeeling threatened.
557 00:36:08 I think I'm gonnacome over tomorrow.
558 00:36:11 Tomorrow.
559 00:36:13 Somehow,through our conversation,
560 00:36:15 I will address this.
561 00:36:18 I'm so frightened.
562 00:36:20 You don't mean that he,you're afraid of him?
563 00:36:22 That he's gonnahurt you, right?
564 00:36:23 No. No, no, no.
565 00:36:24 - I'm afraid for him.- No? Okay. All right.
566 00:36:26 You know, are thereother activists,
567 00:36:28 - like coming around, calling?- No. There's nobody.
568 00:36:29 He has no friends.He's barely even sociable, so.
569 00:36:32 All right, but he has you.
570 00:36:35 - Yeah.- You'll stand by him?
571 00:36:36 - Yeah, absolutely.- All right. Well, so will I.
572 00:36:54 Discernment intersectswith Christian life
573 00:36:56 at every moment.
574 00:36:59 Discernment.
575 00:37:03 Listening and waitingfor God's wish
576 00:37:05 what action must be taken.
577 00:37:23 My petty ailmentshave made me bad-tempered.
578 00:37:26 I fight the urgenot to write down
579 00:37:28 the thoughtswhich come to my mind.
580 00:37:34 The desire to pray itselfis a type of prayer.
581 00:37:38 How often we askfor genuine experience
582 00:37:40 when all we really wantis emotion.
583 00:37:48 My hands shakeas I write these lines.
584 00:38:11 I wasn't expecting youfor another couple weeks.
585 00:38:13 Uh, we got a messagefrom the boss.
586 00:38:15 He said it was a top priority.
587 00:38:17 You're havingsome kind of big event here?
588 00:38:19 Yeah, the church is havingits 250th anniversary.
589 00:38:22 Abundant Life is planningquite the ceremony.
590 00:38:32 Hmm. A Mighty Fortress.
591 00:38:35 Oh.
592 00:41:00 Yes, sir.
593 00:41:02 I mean, he had beenfighting with depression.
594 00:41:04 That's why I wassupposed to meet him.
595 00:41:06 I never imaginedanything like this.
596 00:41:09 Were you in touch withthe immediate family?
597 00:41:11 Well, his... His wife, Mary.
598 00:41:13 She's the one who firstasked me to meet with him.
599 00:41:16 Did she know about your text?
600 00:41:18 No. But she was concerned.We... We both were.
601 00:41:23 Have you notified her?
602 00:41:26 No.
603 00:41:28 I guess that's whereI'm headed.
604 00:41:29 All right. Okay.
605 00:41:31 All right, do you mind if Ifollow behind you? All right.
606 00:41:35 I knew his father.
607 00:41:37 Really? What's he like?
608 00:41:40 A businessman.
609 00:41:41 Morbid son of a bitch.
610 00:41:44 I guess it runs in the blood.
611 00:41:57 Thank you, Reverend.
612 00:42:00 Mrs. Mensana, againI'm sorry for your loss.
613 00:42:03 If there's anything else thatwe can do, please let us know.
614 00:42:05 - Thanks.- Thank you, Officer.
615 00:42:07 Reverend. Thank you.
616 00:42:22 You didn't tellthe police, right?
617 00:42:26 About?
618 00:42:27 No. No.
619 00:42:32 If you find anything else
620 00:42:37 like that, get rid of it.
621 00:42:41 As long as it's safe, I mean.Burn it, bury it.
622 00:42:45 Michael was troubled,but his cause was just.
623 00:42:47 There's no reason to bringdisrepute on that cause.
624 00:42:51 Yeah.
625 00:42:52 Are you an activist as well?
626 00:42:56 I share Michael's beliefs.
627 00:43:00 But not his despair.I mean, I wanna live.
628 00:43:03 - I wanna be a mother.- Right.
629 00:43:05 I wanna have this child.
630 00:43:07 Do you have family nearby?
631 00:43:09 My... Yeah, my sister.She's in Buffalo.
632 00:43:11 - You might want to call her.- I will.
633 00:43:24 So, he...He went into the garage?
634 00:43:29 Yeah.
635 00:43:33 What did he say?
636 00:43:36 Nothing.
637 00:43:47 Well, from a policepoint of view,
638 00:43:50 I imagine this isa pretty cut-and-dry case.
639 00:43:53 Still, I'd probably clean upthe office,
640 00:43:57 maybe get rid of his laptop.
641 00:44:04 You...
642 00:44:31 Open it.
643 00:45:05 I'd sensed it.
644 00:45:07 What?
645 00:45:10 He was absent.
646 00:45:15 He was becoming someoneI didn't know.
647 00:45:21 Like, before I waspregnant even.
648 00:45:25 And he was just so fullof anger, you know?
649 00:45:33 Think I should probably callmy parents. My sister.
650 00:45:40 They should...They should know.
651 00:45:45 I stayedwhile she called her sister.
652 00:45:47 Her sister was goingto drive down.
653 00:45:50 And her parents would comefor the final rights.
654 00:45:57 Uh, hey, Bill.Chicken or beef?
655 00:45:59 - Uh, beef.- Beef. Okay, great.
656 00:46:01 How've you been?
657 00:46:03 - I'm all right. Yeah.- You okay?
658 00:46:07 Is that enough for you?
659 00:46:09 Thanks a lot, Reverend.
660 00:46:11 Did you wantthe chicken or the beef?
661 00:46:13 Uh, the beef. Thank you.
662 00:46:14 Beef? Yeah. Cool.
663 00:46:17 There you are.Careful, it's hot.
664 00:46:21 Reverend,I wanted to ask you...
665 00:46:22 - Oh, shit!- Ow!
666 00:46:24 Damn. I'm sorry, Joseph!I'm so sorry.
667 00:46:28 Terrible night.No sooner than I shut my eyes,
668 00:46:32 desolation came upon me.
669 00:46:36 What is one's last thoughtas you pull the trigger?
670 00:46:40 "There goes my head."
671 00:46:42 Or, "Jesus, watch over me?"Or neither?
672 00:46:48 I'm going to tearthese pages out.
673 00:46:50 This journalbrings me no peace.
674 00:46:53 It's self-pity. Nothing more.
675 00:47:32 I awoke at three with a cry.
676 00:47:35 It's been five months
677 00:47:37 since I sensedthe first warning signs.
678 00:47:43 I went into the churchand fell asleep on a bench.
679 00:47:53 How easilythey talk about prayer,
680 00:47:56 those who have neverreally prayed.
681 00:48:04 Excuse me?Oh, my goodness!
682 00:48:10 Well, since I mademy commitment, I...
683 00:48:13 I have felt the Lordmoving in my life.
684 00:48:16 If happinesscame in pill size,
685 00:48:17 it would have JCstamped on it.
686 00:48:21 Continuous release size.
687 00:48:24 I wake up feeling better.
688 00:48:26 My relationships are better.
689 00:48:29 And I got a raise last week.
690 00:48:32 I find myself in prayer
691 00:48:33 without even thinkingabout it.
692 00:48:37 Thank you, Jason.That is very inspiring.
693 00:48:41 Praise Jesus.My every breath is a prayer.
694 00:48:45 Uh, thoughts? Reactions?Yes? Cynthia.
695 00:48:50 Three months ago,my father got laid off.
696 00:48:53 He can't find any work.
697 00:48:55 Nobody loves the Lordmore than my father.
698 00:48:57 He is always testifying,he volunteers.
699 00:49:01 Did he do something wrong?
700 00:49:05 Um...You all know Reverend Toller
701 00:49:09 from First Reformed.
702 00:49:11 Hey, yeah. Hi. Yeah.
703 00:49:14 How... How doyou answer this, Reverend?
704 00:49:18 Well, Cynthia. I'm sorrythat happened to your father.
705 00:49:20 There's a lotof church people,
706 00:49:22 good Christians,who see, uh, a connection
707 00:49:26 between godlinessand prosperity.
708 00:49:29 But that's notwhat Jesus teaches.
709 00:49:32 That's not what Jesus lived.
710 00:49:33 There's no dollar signon His pulpit.
711 00:49:35 There's noAmerican flag either.
712 00:49:38 I think, Cynthia, what yourfather is experiencing is...
713 00:49:41 Christians shouldn't succeed.
714 00:49:44 That's what he means.Christianity is for losers?
715 00:49:47 Jake, Jake!
716 00:49:49 I just get tiredof turn the other cheek.
717 00:49:51 Jesus didn't turnthe other cheek.
718 00:49:52 Why stand for anything?
719 00:49:54 Take prayerout of the schools.
720 00:49:57 Give money to peopletoo lazy to work for it.
721 00:49:59 And whatever you do,don't offend the Muslims.
722 00:50:02 I mean, no soonerdo I mention the poor,
723 00:50:04 and this teenagerjumps down my throat
724 00:50:06 like I just took a shiton the American flag.
725 00:50:09 Forgive my language. Oh, God!
726 00:50:12 Oh, Roger told me.
727 00:50:14 He was great. He was terrific.He's a good man.
728 00:50:16 Well, he saidyou kept your cool,
729 00:50:17 and he admired you for that.
730 00:50:19 There's just no middle groundwith these kids.
731 00:50:21 Everything is so extreme.
732 00:50:23 It's the times. These arefrightening times. These...
733 00:50:25 These kids,they grow up in a world
734 00:50:28 that, you and I,we wouldn't even recognize.
735 00:50:30 Global warming,a sea of pornography,
736 00:50:34 hyper violent video games.It's a world without privacy.
737 00:50:37 Each kid isolated,communicating on media.
738 00:50:41 It's a world without hope!
739 00:50:43 You don't know what it's liketo raise a kid in this...
740 00:50:45 No, I did raise a kid.
741 00:50:48 I didn't mean it like that.
742 00:50:50 I know you didn't.
743 00:50:52 They're just frightened.These kids,
744 00:50:54 - they want certainty.- Mmm-hmm.
745 00:50:56 You know, don't think, follow.
746 00:50:59 Uh...
747 00:51:00 But they fall preyto extremism.
748 00:51:03 Jihadism is everywhere.Even here.
749 00:51:07 It's just... That's notthe church that called me.
750 00:51:10 Nor me.
751 00:51:11 It's up to us. We haveto listen and guide
752 00:51:14 and encourageour young members
753 00:51:17 to express themselves
754 00:51:19 without judging them.
755 00:51:20 We have to lead by example.
756 00:51:22 We have to be patient.
757 00:51:35 Oh, this sounds great.
758 00:51:36 I'm gonna have to sharpenmy chops
759 00:51:37 for the Reconsecration.
760 00:51:39 Do you knowwhat they want to play?
761 00:51:41 No, I have no idea.
762 00:51:42 Abundant Lifeis handling everything.
763 00:51:44 Invites, the seating.
764 00:51:45 Basically,I just introduce Joel.
765 00:51:47 And then he does his spiel,introduces the Governor,
766 00:51:50 maybe Ed Balq.
767 00:51:51 Oh, why him?
768 00:51:52 It's sort of his whole deal.
769 00:51:54 I mean, he's underwrittenthe whole thing,
770 00:51:56 paid to have the organ fixed.
771 00:51:58 I do have anothermusical question for you...
772 00:52:00 Oh. Take it from the top.
773 00:52:14 It's actuallya kind of sad bit of business.
774 00:52:19 - Hm?- The Michael Mansana memorial.
775 00:52:21 The scattering of his ashes.He's asked me to arrange it.
776 00:52:26 He's asked you?
777 00:52:28 Well, he wrote a letter.He had some requests.
778 00:52:36 Then the Lord spoke to Job,stepped from the storm.
779 00:52:41 He said, "Where were you
780 00:52:42 "when I laidthe Earth's foundations,
781 00:52:44 "marked out its dimensions,laid its cornerstone,
782 00:52:51 "when the morning stars sang,
783 00:52:54 "and the angels shoutedwith joy? Where were you?"
784 00:53:01 These surroundingswere chosen by Michael
785 00:53:03 as the repositoryfor his physical remains.
786 00:53:06 I say physicalbecause his memories
787 00:53:08 and spirit live on with us,
788 00:53:10 as does his mission.
789 00:53:12 Michael caredabout this world.
790 00:53:15 Perhaps too much.
791 00:53:18 The Abundant Life Youth Choirwill now sing for us, uh,
792 00:53:22 a song chosen by Michael.
793 00:53:36 Protect the wildtomorrow's child
794 00:53:42 Protect the landfrom the greed of man
795 00:53:47 Take out the damsstand up to oil
796 00:53:53 Protect the plantsand renew the soil
797 00:53:58 Who's gonna stand upand save the Earth?
798 00:54:03 Who's gonna saythat she's had enough?
799 00:54:08 Who's gonna take onthe big machine?
800 00:54:13 Who's gonna stand upand save the Earth?
801 00:54:17 This all startswith you and me
802 00:54:25 End fossil fuels
803 00:54:28 Draw the line
804 00:54:30 Before we buildone more pipeline
805 00:54:35 End fracking nowlet's save the water
806 00:54:40 And build a lifefor our sons and daughters
807 00:54:45 Who's gonna stand upand save the Earth?
808 00:54:50 Who's gonna saythat she's had enough?
809 00:54:54 Who's gonna take onthe big machine?
810 00:54:59 Who's gonna stand upand save the Earth?
811 00:55:04 This all startswith you and me
812 00:55:32 - I'm good.- All right.
813 00:55:47 - Mr. Balq!- Hey!
814 00:55:49 - Hello!- How are you?
815 00:55:50 - Very good! Very good.- Very good. Good, good.
816 00:55:53 Hey. Sorry I'm late.I got, uh... I got held up.
817 00:55:58 Oh, good. You knowReverend Toller, right?
818 00:55:59 Well, only by sight. Ed Barq.
819 00:56:01 - Good to meet you.- It's nice to meet you.
820 00:56:04 Just bring me a coffee
821 00:56:06 - and the apple pie. All right?- Okay. Thank you.
822 00:56:08 Uh, the apple pie.I know it's a cliché,
823 00:56:10 but they make it right here.It's organic. It's local.
824 00:56:14 I have a surprise for you.
825 00:56:16 I, uh... I stopped bythe printer on the way over.
826 00:56:24 Oh. Ooh, nice. Nice.They did a great job.
827 00:56:29 Yeah. All the guests
828 00:56:30 at the reconsecrationwill get a copy.
829 00:56:32 And then, uh, there willalso be a mailing.
830 00:56:34 And... And of course it willbe available at the bookstore.
831 00:56:37 So how are the plans coming?
832 00:56:38 Is the organ repaired?
833 00:56:40 Oh yeah. It sounds beautiful.Better than ever.
834 00:56:43 Okay. Um, we drew upa little seating chart.
835 00:56:48 Now, Mayor Wilsonwill be there,
836 00:56:49 as well as the Governor.
837 00:56:51 Well, at leasthe's going to try...
838 00:56:52 All of thosemighty men of God,
839 00:56:55 servants of the cross.
840 00:56:56 Years of service, baptisms,
841 00:56:58 confessions, funerals,sermons.
842 00:57:01 The hours in prayer,
843 00:57:03 the afflictions suffered.Did God give them strength?
844 00:57:07 Reverend Toller willintroduce me. I'll go up,
845 00:57:09 I'll introduce the Governor.
846 00:57:11 There'll be a song selection.Now, the main...
847 00:57:13 There won't be anythingpolitical though, will there?
848 00:57:15 No. No, why would there be?
849 00:57:18 Well... Oh. Sorry.Do you mind?
850 00:57:19 Here you are.
851 00:57:21 - Thank you.- You're welcome. Enjoy.
852 00:57:23 Well, I... I ask, uh,
853 00:57:25 only cause, um, this cameto my attention.
854 00:57:29 It's a printoutfrom a website.
855 00:57:32 Well, both First Reformedand Abundant Life
856 00:57:33 are mentioned by name.
857 00:57:35 It was a political event.And a Neil Young protest song?
858 00:57:40 I was just respectingthe wishes
859 00:57:41 of the deceased and... And...And his widow.
860 00:57:43 It was their instructionsfor the memorial service.
861 00:57:46 At a toxic waste sitewith the press in attendance?
862 00:57:49 There was no press invited.
863 00:57:51 No. This is justMensana's friends.
864 00:57:53 It was a political act.
865 00:57:55 You and the choir representedthe Abundant Life Church.
866 00:57:57 And the Hanstown site,
867 00:57:59 by the way,isn't even polluted.
868 00:58:00 It was cleaned upwith EPA superfunds.
869 00:58:02 - Well, Hanstown...- No, no, of course not,
870 00:58:03 but just give me some credit,all right?
871 00:58:05 I'm in the energy business.
872 00:58:07 It's my businessto stay informed.
873 00:58:09 Look, sorry.
874 00:58:10 Reverend Tollerdidn't understand
875 00:58:12 the implications here.
876 00:58:15 - May I ask a question?- Yeah. Go ahead.
877 00:58:17 Will God forgive us?
878 00:58:22 Will God forgive us for whatwe're doing to his creation?
879 00:58:25 That's what Mensana asked mewhen I visited him.
880 00:58:29 This... There's beena lot of loose talk
881 00:58:31 about environmental change.
882 00:58:33 There is scientific consensus.Ninety-seven percent...
883 00:58:36 The man who says nothingalways seems more intelligent.
884 00:58:40 Why couldn't I justkeep silent?
885 00:58:43 It's a complicated subject.
886 00:58:45 Not really.I mean, who benefits?
887 00:58:49 Cui bono? Who profits?
888 00:58:50 That's what I keepasking myself.
889 00:58:51 Besides the Biblical callto stewardship,
890 00:58:53 who profits when we soil
891 00:58:55 our own nest?What's to be gained...
892 00:58:56 Can we just agreeto keep politics
893 00:58:57 out ofthe reconsecration service?
894 00:58:59 - Yes.- Yes, but this isn't politics.
895 00:59:01 I mean, what God wantsis for...
896 00:59:03 Oh, you, you, you, you...You know the mind of God?
897 00:59:06 You spoke to him, personally?
898 00:59:08 He told you His plansfor Earth?
899 00:59:12 Look, I understand,you're upset.
900 00:59:18 I mean, you found the body,correct?
901 00:59:22 Yes.
902 00:59:24 How?
903 00:59:32 I was supposed to meet him.
904 00:59:35 And he texted me, and...A change of location.
905 00:59:41 And?
906 00:59:44 And I went thereand he was dead.
907 00:59:50 So you counseled him,Reverend?
908 00:59:53 Yes.
909 00:59:55 You counseled him,then he shot himself?
910 00:59:58 Ed?
911 01:00:01 Yes.
912 01:00:06 Well, I think you needto step back, Reverend,
913 01:00:09 and take a lookat your own life
914 01:00:10 before you criticize others.Hmm?
915 01:00:34 Mary and Irode the park trail.
916 01:00:38 I had not ridden a bicycle,I think, in 20 years.
917 01:00:47 I was afraid I would fall.
918 01:00:55 It's amazing the simplecurative power of exercise.
919 01:01:04 It's God given.
920 01:01:14 Thank you again.
921 01:01:16 Michael and I used to cycletwice a week,
922 01:01:18 and I've missed it so much.
923 01:01:20 No. I enjoyed it.It's been a long time.
924 01:01:23 But it was under protest.
925 01:01:26 - I... I asked my doctor.- Really? Still.
926 01:01:30 Um, can I ask youanother favor?
927 01:01:32 Sure.
928 01:01:34 Could you box upMichael's things?
929 01:01:35 Or find somebody to do it?
930 01:01:39 You sure you want to give themaway so quickly?
931 01:01:42 Not, like... Not give it away,
932 01:01:43 just, you know.Just box them up.
933 01:01:45 It just... You know, I feel...
934 01:01:48 It's just difficultto be around
935 01:01:50 so many smells and memories.
936 01:01:53 You know?
937 01:01:54 Yeah, I can...I can do it.
938 01:01:55 Okay.
939 01:01:57 Have you decidedwhat's next?
940 01:01:58 Um, the rent's paid forfor two months,
941 01:02:01 so there's no hurry.
942 01:02:02 But, um, I'm gonna stay
943 01:02:03 with my sisterand my brother-in-law.
944 01:02:05 - Hmm. Are you?- Until the baby is born.
945 01:02:07 So you'll relocate there?
946 01:02:08 Yeah. I think so.She contacted an obstetrician.
947 01:02:14 Are we talking pink or blue?
948 01:02:17 - Blue!- Blue.
949 01:02:18 Blue!
950 01:02:19 - Ah! Congratulations.- Thanks.
951 01:02:20 - That's wonderful.- Yeah.
952 01:02:23 Oh, hey, uh... I havea question for you,
953 01:02:26 if, uh... If it's nottoo painful.
954 01:02:31 Do you think he, uh...
955 01:02:33 He really would haveharmed someone?
956 01:02:39 Um, he'd been a part of somenon-violent protests.
957 01:02:47 We both had.He'd been put in jail.
958 01:02:51 He had a temper. I mean,he'd start yelling at police,
959 01:02:54 but no, I don'tthink he was...
960 01:02:57 No. I don't thinkhe was violent.
961 01:03:02 I just, um...
962 01:03:05 I can't helpbut keep wondering
963 01:03:07 what I should havedone differently.
964 01:03:13 He didn't want to live.
965 01:03:19 He was not a religious man,you know.
966 01:03:23 He didn't care for the church.That was me.
967 01:03:26 I was the onewho asked him to come.
968 01:03:28 I was raised in the church
969 01:03:29 and I nevercould quite let it go.
970 01:03:33 I'd be in a strange city,
971 01:03:34 and I would just go
972 01:03:36 to a church and sit down,you know?
973 01:03:37 I was the spiritual one.
974 01:03:44 Thanks.
975 01:03:46 Yeah. I'll, uh... I'm gonnago get some boxes.
976 01:03:49 I'll come backfor the clothes.
977 01:03:51 Okay.
978 01:03:55 Uh, Reverend? Um,
979 01:04:00 would you pray with me?
980 01:04:05 I just... I find it difficultto do it alone.
981 01:04:07 Just, the words,just don't come.
982 01:04:12 Are you uncomfortablewith me asking you that?
983 01:04:14 No. No, no, no.Of course not. Yeah.
984 01:04:15 Okay.
985 01:04:21 Dear Heavenly Father,
986 01:04:24 we invite you into this room,into our heart...
987 01:04:27 I held her hand, I spoke,
988 01:04:31 and the words cameout of my mouth.
989 01:04:34 "By thy words,you shall be justified,
990 01:04:36 "and by thy words,you shall be condemned."
991 01:05:42 I can no longerignore my health.
992 01:05:45 I have postponedmy checkup too often.
993 01:05:49 Yesterday I could literallybarely stand.
994 01:06:50 No, I have not lost my faith.
995 01:08:12 "And the rich man saidI will pull down my barns,
996 01:08:16 "and build greater..."
997 01:08:19 "And I will say to my soul,
998 01:08:21 "take thine ease, eat, drink,and be merry.
999 01:08:25 "But God saidunto his disciples,
1000 01:08:27 "take no thoughtfor your life,
1001 01:08:28 "what ye shall eat..."
1002 01:08:32 "Neither for the body,what ye shall put on.
1003 01:08:38 "The life is more than meat,
1004 01:08:41 "and the bodyis more than raiment."
1005 01:08:45 Thus ends the readingof the Lord. Praise be God.
1006 01:08:48 When didhe come back?
1007 01:08:50 Well, he was outmost of Friday.
1008 01:08:53 So he went to Albanyfor his checkup?
1009 01:08:55 I asked him, buy he didn'tgive me any details.
1010 01:08:57 Uh, you know how he is.
1011 01:09:00 Perhaps I can check.
1012 01:09:01 Esther.
1013 01:09:03 It's just...
1014 01:09:04 I know. I know.
1015 01:09:10 - Okay. All right. Bye.- See ya.
1016 01:09:25 We'd like to doa gastroscopic exam.
1017 01:09:28 We lower a fiber optic cameradown the throat and esophagus,
1018 01:09:31 and take a look around.
1019 01:09:33 It's an outpatient procedure,local anesthetic.
1020 01:09:35 You should be ableto leave by mid-afternoon.
1021 01:09:36 Still, that doesn't...That doesn't sound too good.
1022 01:09:38 Well, we'd like to checkfor evidence of malignancy.
1023 01:09:41 Cancer.
1024 01:09:44 Cancer's not the fearsomemedical foe it once was.
1025 01:09:47 Mmm-hmm.
1026 01:09:50 What's the...The treatment for that?
1027 01:09:54 It depends on how far advancedthe tumor is.
1028 01:09:58 But...
1029 01:09:59 You stated you've beenexperiencing discomfort.
1030 01:10:01 Uh-huh. Yeah.
1031 01:10:04 Six months?
1032 01:10:06 Well, diet, medication, chemo,even surgery.
1033 01:10:10 We have a varietyof diagnostic tools.
1034 01:10:13 Have you hadany bloody stools?
1035 01:10:20 Recently?
1036 01:10:23 Okay. I'd like to schedule
1037 01:10:25 the gastroscopyas soon as possible.
1038 01:10:27 We have an open slotweek after next.
1039 01:10:32 Okay.
1040 01:10:33 What's your diet?
1041 01:10:35 My diet?Um, I'm hungry, I eat.
1042 01:10:38 - You smoke?- No.
1043 01:10:40 Drink?
1044 01:10:42 Mmm, in moderation.
1045 01:10:44 That needs to end.
1046 01:10:45 I'm gonna call ina prescription to help
1047 01:10:47 - with the stomach pain.- Huh.
1048 01:10:48 And I want you to takenutritional supplements.
1049 01:10:51 Okay.
1050 01:10:53 Are you in pain now?
1051 01:10:56 No. No. I feel good.
1052 01:10:59 We tend to thinkthat anxiety and worry
1053 01:11:03 are simply an indicationof how wise we are,
1054 01:11:08 yet it isa much better indication
1055 01:11:10 of how wicked we are.
1056 01:11:12 Fretting arisesfrom our determination
1057 01:11:16 to have our own way.
1058 01:11:18 Our Lord never worriedand was never anxious.
1059 01:11:24 I'll be back in a bit.
1060 01:11:25 Because His purposewas to accomplish
1061 01:11:28 not his own plans...
1062 01:11:35 Reverend?
1063 01:11:36 Hi Esther.
1064 01:11:37 I... I didn't knowyou were coming.
1065 01:11:39 Well, Joel's office called.
1066 01:11:41 They want to talk to me aboutthe Reconsecration program.
1067 01:11:42 Did... Did they talk to you?
1068 01:11:44 Uh, I'll be at First Reformed.And Stanley will be
1069 01:11:46 with the full choir herefor the simulcast.
1070 01:11:48 Mmm-hmm. Nice.
1071 01:11:50 The acoustics willbe wonderful. I mean...
1072 01:11:51 Stop.
1073 01:11:52 Really wonderful.Did you hear from Albany?
1074 01:11:55 Yeah. I did.
1075 01:11:56 Well, what did they say?
1076 01:11:57 Nothing. Just some more tests.
1077 01:11:59 A gastroscopy.
1078 01:12:02 And you know this how?
1079 01:12:04 I called.
1080 01:12:06 - I'm worried about you.- Leave me alone.
1081 01:12:10 - I just want to try...- I know what you want!
1082 01:12:12 All right? And I cannot bearyour concern,
1083 01:12:15 your constant hovering.Your neediness.
1084 01:12:17 You, you'rea constant reminder
1085 01:12:19 of my own personalinadequacies and failings.
1086 01:12:22 You want something that neverwas and never will be.
1087 01:12:27 Don't make me do this,'cause I...
1088 01:12:28 Esther. Esther. Esther.
1089 01:12:30 Pull yourself together. Okay?Look at yourself.
1090 01:12:31 You don't take careof yourself.
1091 01:12:34 I despise you.
1092 01:12:37 I despisewhat you bring out in me.
1093 01:12:40 Your concerns are petty.
1094 01:12:42 You are a stumbling block.
1095 01:12:58 I suddenly feelmuch better.
1096 01:13:00 I awoke early, clear-headed
1097 01:13:03 and immediately set aboutmy daily tasks.
1098 01:16:24 "The nations raged..."
1099 01:16:28 "But your wrath came,
1100 01:16:31 "and the time for the deadto be judged,
1101 01:16:36 "and for rewardingyour servants,
1102 01:16:38 "and prophets and saints,
1103 01:16:40 "and for thosewho fear your name,
1104 01:16:43 "both small and great,
1105 01:16:47 "and for destroyingthe destroyers of the Earth."
1106 01:16:54 Revelations 11:18.
1107 01:17:21 I have removedthe previous pages.
1108 01:17:24 They were writtenin a delirium.
1109 01:17:26 But I am determinedto continue.
1110 01:17:31 It's hard to struggleagainst torpor.
1111 01:17:34 I must set pen to paper.
1112 01:17:59 Shit.
1113 01:18:15 - Oh, hey Mary.- Hi. Can I come in?
1114 01:18:17 Yeah, of course. Come on in.Come on, come on.
1115 01:18:19 Come on, come in.Do you need anything?
1116 01:18:21 Um, do you want...Um, can I take your coat?
1117 01:18:24 - Yeah.- Hey, are you all right?
1118 01:18:27 - Um...- Let me get this.
1119 01:18:29 Uh, no.
1120 01:18:34 I'm just,I'm really frightened.
1121 01:18:37 I'm like I'm frightenedof everything.
1122 01:18:40 Uh, I woke upand my heart was pounding
1123 01:18:43 and I... I thought,like, the roof,
1124 01:18:45 the ceiling,was just gonna fall in.
1125 01:18:48 Um, so I... I had to get out.
1126 01:18:51 Yeah. Mary?
1127 01:18:52 And I just drove around,and... And I...
1128 01:18:54 I didn't put any make-up on.Sorry.
1129 01:18:56 I'm glad you came.Do you want some, uh...
1130 01:19:00 Some water, some tea...
1131 01:19:01 Without warning,
1132 01:19:04 this dark curtain just fell.
1133 01:19:07 I'm... I'm scaredof everything.
1134 01:19:10 Well, you did the right thingcoming here.
1135 01:19:12 I just can't stop my thoughts.
1136 01:19:13 They just keepgoing on and on.
1137 01:19:15 They repeat and repeat.
1138 01:19:18 Did this ever happenbefore Michael's death?
1139 01:19:22 A little. Yeah.Not like this though.
1140 01:19:27 I read online that, um,they used to believe
1141 01:19:29 that pregnancy made you happy,but now they feel like
1142 01:19:32 it just makes your feelingsmore extreme.
1143 01:19:38 Michael...
1144 01:19:41 He was just really strong.
1145 01:19:44 How so?
1146 01:19:48 Um, he listened. He was kind.
1147 01:19:53 We used to do this thing
1148 01:19:55 calledthe Magical Mystery Tour.
1149 01:19:57 It sounds silly. But, um...
1150 01:20:01 We would, uh, share a joint
1151 01:20:04 and lay on top of each otherfully clothed.
1152 01:20:08 We would try to get as much
1153 01:20:10 body-to-body contactas possible.
1154 01:20:12 We'd have our hands out and...
1155 01:20:15 We would just look straightinto each other's eyes
1156 01:20:18 and move them in unison,
1157 01:20:20 like right, left, right, left.
1158 01:20:22 And then we would breathein rhythm.
1159 01:20:32 You want me to do this?
1160 01:20:36 No. I didn't mean that.
1161 01:20:40 All right.
1162 01:20:41 I mean, I...
1163 01:20:45 Yeah. I mean, yeah.I guess I...
1164 01:20:47 Yeah. I guess I did.
1165 01:20:50 Okay. Uh, show me.
1166 01:20:53 Well, you lay on your back,
1167 01:20:57 and with your armsand your legs stretched out.
1168 01:21:00 Do we need music?
1169 01:21:02 No, we just listento the breaths.
1170 01:21:05 Just lie down?
1171 01:21:08 Yeah. And then, yeah.
1172 01:25:25 Go, go, go, go! Come on,come on, come on!
1173 01:25:26 Come on, Benny.
1174 01:25:30 Hey, guys.Let's all get seated
1175 01:25:32 in the first pew right here.All the way down.
1176 01:25:38 All right. Good job, guys.
1177 01:25:41 Okay, so last week,we read The Patchwork Path
1178 01:25:43 aboutthe Underground Railroad,
1179 01:25:45 which was not a railroad,but... Rosa?
1180 01:25:48 It was a slave trail.
1181 01:25:50 It was an escape routefrom the South to the North.
1182 01:25:53 And this church,First Reformed,
1183 01:25:55 was one of the stops onthat route. Reverend Toller?
1184 01:25:58 Yeah. Slaves, uh,fleeing north to Canada
1185 01:26:01 were often helped, fed, hiddenby homes and churches
1186 01:26:05 along this route.Calvin Verlander
1187 01:26:07 was the dominee, the ministerhere at First Reformed.
1188 01:26:10 And he was very activein the Abolitionist Movement.
1189 01:26:12 He assisted in...
1190 01:26:15 No. Miss Suriya,let me try this.
1191 01:26:17 Uh, why don't you all stand upfor a second?
1192 01:26:18 Take a look right here.
1193 01:26:19 Do you see one part of woodthat seems different
1194 01:26:21 than the other partof the wood?
1195 01:26:23 Yeah!
1196 01:26:24 You all see that, don't you?
1197 01:26:26 But does this seema little bit
1198 01:26:27 - like a secret door? Hmm?- Yes.
1199 01:26:29 - Yeah. What's your name?- Benny.
1200 01:26:30 Benny, will you give mea hand?
1201 01:26:32 - Come on over here.- Mmm-hmm.
1202 01:26:33 You see, there used to bea pew over this.
1203 01:26:35 And they would move it, andthen they would lift this up.
1204 01:26:38 Can you do it? Help me.
1205 01:26:40 Yes! Oh!
1206 01:26:43 Come around everybody.
1207 01:26:45 Slaves would hide in here.Sometimes whole families.
1208 01:26:47 Be really careful. All right.
1209 01:26:49 Can you imagine that?
1210 01:26:52 In the dark. The air hot,
1211 01:26:56 shaking with fear.
1212 01:26:58 The sound of the slavehunter's horses outside.
1213 01:27:00 On their knees,holding each other's hands,
1214 01:27:02 praying for God to save them?
1215 01:27:10 Do you want meto pack up
1216 01:27:12 anything here in the kitchen?
1217 01:27:13 No. I can get it later.Thanks.
1218 01:27:19 I'd love to meetyour sister sometime.
1219 01:27:24 - You wanna come to Buffalo?- If I'm invited. I'd love to.
1220 01:27:26 - You gonna visit me?- I would, yeah.
1221 01:27:28 I'd love to meet Michael Jr.
1222 01:27:30 You've been such a help to me.
1223 01:27:33 My great-grandfather
1224 01:27:35 was a pastorin Muskegon, Michigan.
1225 01:27:37 The Saint of God.
1226 01:27:39 And, uh, the bank in townwas a two-story building,
1227 01:27:41 the first buildingto have an elevator.
1228 01:27:43 And one Monday,
1229 01:27:46 Granddad, uh,got the boys all together
1230 01:27:48 and they went into townto deposit church funds,
1231 01:27:51 as they did every Monday.
1232 01:27:53 And they needed to go talkto the managers.
1233 01:27:54 They got on the elevator.
1234 01:27:56 And he had a heart attack.
1235 01:27:59 And he... He took off his hat.
1236 01:28:01 Apparently he alwayswore a hat.
1237 01:28:03 And he took off his hatand he said,
1238 01:28:04 "Boys, take off my shoes.
1239 01:28:07 "I'm standing on Holy Ground."
1240 01:28:10 And then he died.
1241 01:28:13 Somewhere betweenthe first and second floor.
1242 01:28:18 Um, I think about that storywhen I think about Michael.
1243 01:28:24 'Cause I believehe was standing
1244 01:28:25 on Holy Ground when he died.
1245 01:28:39 Thank you.
1246 01:28:42 So I'll see you in Buffalo?
1247 01:28:44 I think I'm gonna goto the, uh, Reconsecration.
1248 01:28:48 Oh. No, you...You don't need to do that.
1249 01:28:50 - But, I... I want to.- Yeah, but it's not necessary.
1250 01:28:53 Yeah, but you'vebeen there for me,
1251 01:28:54 and I want to be therefor you.
1252 01:28:56 It's very nice of youto offer,
1253 01:28:58 um, but it's justa bunch of rich guys
1254 01:29:00 patting each otheron the back.
1255 01:29:01 - But you're gonna be there.- But I have to be there.
1256 01:29:03 - So I'm gonna go.- Please don't come.
1257 01:29:06 Okay? I don't want youto come. You understand?
1258 01:29:12 Okay.
1259 01:29:15 Right. Have a nice evening.
1260 01:29:46 "Be strong in the Lordand in His mighty power.
1261 01:29:50 "Put on the full armor of God,
1262 01:29:54 "so that you cantake your stand
1263 01:29:56 "against the devil's schemes.
1264 01:29:58 "For our struggle is notagainst flesh and blood,
1265 01:30:03 "but against the rulers,
1266 01:30:05 "against the authorities,
1267 01:30:08 "against the powersof this dark world."
1268 01:30:50 Balq Home Products,
1269 01:30:52 makers of paper goods,fertilizers,
1270 01:30:56 everyday itemsfor the household,
1271 01:30:59 was among the first companies
1272 01:31:02 to realize the need to addressenvironmental concerns.
1273 01:31:07 Sir? Are you joining us?
1274 01:31:10 This unit makesrecyclable plastic markers.
1275 01:31:15 Balq has facilitiesor production arrangements
1276 01:31:20 with 18 countriesaround the world.
1277 01:31:31 Today, I stopped.I had Miso and fish.
1278 01:31:38 Such simple pleasures.
1279 01:31:43 Why do we deny ourselves?
1280 01:32:39 Every act of preservationis an act of creation.
1281 01:32:44 Everything preservedrenews creation.
1282 01:32:47 It's how we participatein creation.
1283 01:33:39 I have found another formof prayer.
1284 01:34:02 Reverend Toller. Come on in.Close the door.
1285 01:34:06 Why don't you take a seat?
1286 01:34:12 We're concerned about you.
1287 01:34:14 Who is?
1288 01:34:16 How's your health?
1289 01:34:19 I'm having some tests.
1290 01:34:22 Hmm? Have you got any results?
1291 01:34:24 No. No.
1292 01:34:26 What about your diet?
1293 01:34:28 You know, I'm gonna be honest,you just don't look so good.
1294 01:34:31 I've had some...Some stomach issues.
1295 01:34:37 And I understandyou've been drinking.
1296 01:34:41 Hm. What? It's justa little wine with dinner.
1297 01:34:46 - Wine?- Yeah. Yeah.
1298 01:34:49 Well, that's not recommended
1299 01:34:52 for someone who hasstomach problems.
1300 01:34:54 I understand, all right?
1301 01:34:56 I'll... I'll start takingbetter care of myself.
1302 01:34:59 You're always in the Garden.
1303 01:35:01 Even Jesus wasn't alwaysin the Garden,
1304 01:35:05 on his knees, sweating blood.
1305 01:35:07 He was on the Mount.
1306 01:35:09 He was in the marketplace.He was in the temple.
1307 01:35:13 But you,you're always in the Garden.
1308 01:35:16 For you every houris the Darkest Hour.
1309 01:35:20 I wasn't awarethat I had offended.
1310 01:35:23 Jesus doesn't wantour suffering.
1311 01:35:25 - He suffered for us.- Mmm-mmm.
1312 01:35:27 He wants our commitmentand our obedience.
1313 01:35:31 And what of His creation?
1314 01:35:33 The Heavens declarethe glory of God.
1315 01:35:35 God is present everywhere,
1316 01:35:37 in every plant, every river,every tiny insect.
1317 01:35:40 The whole worldis a manifestation
1318 01:35:42 of His Holy presence.
1319 01:35:44 I think this is an issue
1320 01:35:46 where... Where the churchcan lead.
1321 01:35:48 But... But they say nothing.
1322 01:35:50 The...
1323 01:35:52 The U.S. Congress still deniesclimate change?
1324 01:35:56 Where were we whenthese people were elected?
1325 01:35:59 The, the, the...
1326 01:36:01 We know who spokefor big business. Right?
1327 01:36:03 But who spoke for God?
1328 01:36:07 "The creation waitsin eager expectation
1329 01:36:11 "of liberation from bondage."
1330 01:36:15 That's Romans 8:23.You understand?
1331 01:36:19 So, we should polluteso God can restore?
1332 01:36:22 We should sinso God can forgive?
1333 01:36:25 I don't thinkthat's what the Apostle meant.
1334 01:36:27 I think we're supposed to look
1335 01:36:28 with the eyes of Jesusinto every living...
1336 01:36:31 You don't livein the real world.
1337 01:36:33 You don't.You, you are a minister
1338 01:36:36 at a tourist churchthat no one attends.
1339 01:36:38 Do you have any idea whatit takes to do God's work?
1340 01:36:41 I'm trying to...
1341 01:36:43 To, to maintain a missionof this size?
1342 01:36:46 The staffing, the outreach,
1343 01:36:48 the amount of peoplethat we touch each day.
1344 01:36:51 Who's that priestthat you like so much?
1345 01:36:55 - Thomas Merton?- Thomas Merton. He didn't live
1346 01:36:57 - in the real world either!- Yes, he did! He would...
1347 01:36:59 No. He was a monk who lived
1348 01:37:01 in a monastery in Kentuckyand wrote books!
1349 01:37:03 Well, somebody hasto do something!
1350 01:37:05 It's the Earth that hangsin the balance.
1351 01:37:07 Well what if this is His plan?What if we just can't see it?
1352 01:37:11 You think God wantsto destroy his creation?
1353 01:37:13 He did once.
1354 01:37:15 For 40 days and 40 nights.
1355 01:37:25 Look, Abundant Life,we're with you.
1356 01:37:29 Okay? We care.
1357 01:37:31 We do. And I know,this is a hard time for you.
1358 01:37:36 But we're gonna help youwith that.
1359 01:37:39 Once we get throughthe reconsecration service,
1360 01:37:41 you, you need to go to rehab.
1361 01:37:44 You need to go check yourselfinto a medical institution.
1362 01:37:48 All right?Maybe go to Nicaragua
1363 01:37:50 and preach the gospelor build houses.
1364 01:37:53 But do somethingin the real world.
1365 01:37:56 And if you can'tdo the ceremony,
1366 01:37:58 I'll understand that.
1367 01:37:59 You're expected to be there,but look.
1368 01:38:01 We can just say thatyou were sick, which is true.
1369 01:38:03 No. No. It's not...
1370 01:38:05 It's not about the ceremony.All right? I can... I will...
1371 01:38:07 I... I want to be there.I have to be there.
1372 01:38:09 It's my church.It's 250 years.
1373 01:38:11 I want to be there. I wantto introduce you. Please?
1374 01:38:16 Well, Ed Balq has decided
1375 01:38:19 that he would liketo make comments,
1376 01:38:21 so the Governorwill introduce him.
1377 01:38:22 Will that be a problem?
1378 01:38:24 Not at all. Not at all.
1379 01:38:27 Well good. Good.
1380 01:38:31 Listen. We'll get throughthis reconsecration.
1381 01:38:33 It'll be special.
1382 01:38:35 And then we'll dealwith these other issues.
1383 01:38:44 Thank you.
1384 01:39:41 Thanks.
1385 01:42:41 Where is, um...Where is Reverend Toller?
1386 01:42:43 I'm not sure, ma'am. Inside.
1387 01:44:12 - Have you seen him?- No.
1388 01:44:26 - Where is he?- I don't know.
1389 01:44:41 Toller!
1390 01:44:44 Toller! You in there?
1391 01:45:13 Begin the service.
1392 01:45:44 What a fellowship
1393 01:45:47 What a joy divine
1394 01:45:51 Leaning on
1395 01:45:54 The everlasting arms
1396 01:45:59 What a blessedness
1397 01:46:03 What a peace is mine
1398 01:46:08 Leaning on
1399 01:46:11 The everlasting arms
1400 01:46:16 Leaning
1401 01:46:19 Leaning
1402 01:46:23 Safe and secure
1403 01:46:26 From all alarms
1404 01:46:31 Leaning
1405 01:46:35 Leaning
1406 01:46:39 Leaning on
1407 01:46:42 The everlasting arms
1408 01:46:47 Oh, how sweet to walk
1409 01:46:51 In this pilgrim way
1410 01:46:55 Leaning on
1411 01:46:58 The everlasting arms
1412 01:47:03 Oh, how bright the path
1413 01:47:07 Grows from day to day
1414 01:47:12 Leaning on
1415 01:47:15 The everlasting arms
1416 01:47:20 Leaning
1417 01:47:23 Leaning
1418 01:47:27 Safe and secure
1419 01:47:30 From all alarms
1420 01:47:35 Leaning
1421 01:47:39 Leaning
1422 01:47:43 Leaning on
1423 01:47:46 The everlasting arms
1424 01:47:51 What have I to dread
1425 01:47:55 What have I to fear
1426 01:47:59 Leaning on
1427 01:48:03 Ernst?
1428 01:48:04 The everlasting arms
1429 01:48:07 I have blessed peace
1430 01:48:11 With my Lord so near
1431 01:48:15 Leaning on
1432 01:48:18 The everlasting arms
1433 01:48:23 Leaning
1434 01:48:26 Leaning
1435 01:48:30 Safe and secure
1436 01:48:33 From all alarms
1437 01:48:38 Leaning
1438 01:48:41 Leaning
1439 01:48:45 Leaning on
1440 01:48:48 The everlasting arms
1441 01:48:53 Leaning
1442 01:48:57 Leaning
1443 01:49:00 Leaning on
1444 01:49:03 The everlasting arms
1445 01:49:08 Leaning