抓人游戏(Tag)(CN/EN)Subtitles
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1 00:00:02 (MELLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
2 00:00:36 HOAGIE: Someone once said, "We don'tstop playing because we grow old.
3 00:00:39 "We grow old because we stop playing."
4 00:00:43 When you're a kid, you can't imaginehaving any other group of friends.
5 00:00:47 You think you're gonna bebuddies forever.
6 00:00:49 Of course, for most people,that just doesn't happen.
7 00:00:53 But my friends and I,we figured out a way around that.
8 00:00:57 We just never stopped playing.
9 00:01:00 And I like to think that simple thing,playing a game,
10 00:01:04 is what made me the man I am today.
11 00:01:11 So the man you are todaywants to be a janitor.
12 00:01:15 - Yes.-(SIGHS)
13 00:01:16 Look, Doctor Malloy,I'm looking at your resume.
14 00:01:19 It says you got a Ph.D.in veterinary medicine
15 00:01:21 and that you actuallyhave a successful practice right now.
16 00:01:24 Look, (SIGHS) there comes a timein every man's life
17 00:01:28 where you just gotta take stock,
18 00:01:30 ask yourself what's really important,what's on your bucket list.
19 00:01:36 So let me get this straight.
20 00:01:37 On your bucket list, you don't have,like, skydiving or rock climbing,
21 00:01:41 or tap dancing, maybe?
22 00:01:43 Dancing with wolves,
23 00:01:44 I believe that has to be a thing.
24 00:01:45 They wouldn't have made a movieif it wasn't, you know?
25 00:01:47 All I know is that, for me,what I really want
26 00:01:51 is to clean the urine offof that man's toilet seat.
27 00:01:57 Talking about the boss.
28 00:02:01 Mr. Callahan.
29 00:02:02 Yeah, he's a great man.This is a great company.
30 00:02:04 Anything I can doto get closer to that guy, sign me up.
31 00:02:07 Okay, look, man.
32 00:02:09 Honestly, any other situation,
33 00:02:10 I would just tell youto get the fuck out my office, okay?
34 00:02:13 But we do need the help,so when can you start?
35 00:02:22 I've already begun.
36 00:02:24 What the fuck was that?
37 00:02:26 - Uh...- I haven't even opened that yet.
38 00:02:28 Uh, I'm sorry.I was trying to be proactive.
39 00:02:30 Today. I can start today. Um...
40 00:02:34 Why don't I get you another Coke?
41 00:02:35 - You do that, we good.- Okay. (CLAPS HANDS)
42 00:02:37 But don't throw away no more new stuff.
43 00:02:40 You will not be disappointed.
44 00:02:41 We don't have to shake hands, man.
45 00:02:42 - Okay. I'll be right back.- Sure.
46 00:02:46 White people.
47 00:02:51 (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
48 00:02:53 All right, Bob. You're the CEOof a Fortune 800 company.
49 00:02:56 You have commanded the respectof coworkers and vendors alike,
50 00:02:59 and that is why you're being interviewedby the big boys.
51 00:03:03 The Wall Street Journal.
52 00:03:09 - Miss Crosby.- Oh. Hi.
53 00:03:10 - Hi. Bob Callahan.- Rebecca.
54 00:03:12 BOB: Thank you so muchfor taking the time.
55 00:03:14 REBECCA: on, thank you.
56 00:03:15 Should we just get right into it?
57 00:03:18 - Yeah, let's jump right in.- BOB: All right.
58 00:03:19 Well, here's what I would love for yourreaders to know about our company.
59 00:03:22 We are young.
60 00:03:23 We are dynamic. We are fun.
61 00:03:26 Uh, so let's talk about diabetes.
62 00:03:28 (LAUGHS WEAKLY) Mr. Callahan,how do you respond to the idea
63 00:03:31 that your industryuses captive insurance
64 00:03:33 to move risk off balance sheets?
65 00:03:36 Well, great question. Tough, but fair.
66 00:03:40 Um, I guess I would say thatwhat I love about Freedom Atlantic
67 00:03:45 is that we're not likeother insurance companies.
68 00:03:47 -(THUDS)- Uh, we're big, but small.
69 00:03:52 - Uh... Small.-(BANGING)
70 00:03:53 - We are, um...-(OBJECTS RATTLING)
71 00:03:56 You know, we're complex...
72 00:03:57 (LOUD BANGING)
73 00:03:59 ...and yet, also simple.
74 00:04:00 (STAMMERING)And we are global...
75 00:04:04 (CLATTERING CONTINUES)
76 00:04:06 Yet local.
77 00:04:08 That's exactly right.
78 00:04:09 Sorry, one second.
79 00:04:10 Uh, hey, could you maybe come backat another time?
80 00:04:13 We're just right in the middleof something. Sir?
81 00:04:14 I'm afraid not, Bob.
82 00:04:18 Jesus Christ, Hoagie!
83 00:04:20 - What are you doing here?-(LAUGHING)
84 00:04:21 How did you get past security?
85 00:04:22 I didn't. I work here.
86 00:04:25 You got a job at my company,so you could try to tag me?
87 00:04:28 Come on. Bob, it's over.
88 00:04:30 You don't think I can escapefrom my own conference room?
89 00:04:32 Where are you gonna go?
90 00:04:33 Well, guess what? Watch now'cause this is happening. (GRUNTS)
91 00:04:36 (GROANS)
92 00:04:39 - BOB: God dang it!- Okay.
93 00:04:41 - BOB: Oh... Ouch.- You okay?
94 00:04:43 God. Okay.
95 00:04:44 You're right.
96 00:04:45 It's over. (sums)
97 00:04:47 (BOB GROANS)
98 00:04:49 - Well, you're it.- Yeah, I know. All right.
99 00:04:51 It's good to see you.Good to see you, pal.
100 00:04:53 - Good to see you.- Have you lost weight?
101 00:04:54 Yeah, a little bit.Hey, listen, this is serious. Um...
102 00:04:58 Jerry's quitting.
103 00:04:59 What? Bullshit.
104 00:05:00 I swear to God.End of this season, he's retiring.
105 00:05:03 Well, okay. But, uh, lam in the middleof an interview. So can I--
106 00:05:07 - Wall Street Journal, thaws so coo¨- Oh, thank you.
107 00:05:10 No, thank you, by the way,
108 00:05:11 'cause this was the distractionlneeded.
109 00:05:12 - You get Bob talking about himself...-(SIGHING)
110 00:05:14 It is just a feedback loop. Non-stop.
111 00:05:16 - Can we talk about this outside, please?- Yeah.
112 00:05:17 Can we talk about this outside?I'll be right back. I promise.
113 00:05:20 There's three days left in May.
114 00:05:22 That gives us 63 hoursto round up the guys and get him.
115 00:05:25 Great. We can talk about thisover dinner.
116 00:05:27 What? No, no, no. We have to go now!
117 00:05:28 Don't you have bathrooms to cleanor something?
118 00:05:31 Technically, yes, I do.
119 00:05:32 All right, well, you know what?
120 00:05:33 - Take this ridiculous thing off...- Ow.
121 00:05:35 ...and get to it.We'll talk about this later.
122 00:05:37 (STAMMERS) I'll resign, Bob.
123 00:05:38 You don't have to. You're fired.
124 00:05:40 Oh, good. 'Cause the benefits here suck!
125 00:05:42 No, they don't.
126 00:05:43 That's true. Benefits are really good.
127 00:05:48 Oh, hey, sorry about that.Uh, where were we?
128 00:05:51 - Uh, diabetes. Yes.- Explain.
129 00:05:53 Well, uh... I'm not a doctor,but there are two types.
130 00:05:56 Type one is called "Type One".And Type Two is more of an adult onset.
131 00:06:01 No. (STAMMERS) Him.
132 00:06:04 - What are you doing?- Hoagie, what do you want?
133 00:06:06 You tagged me. I'm it, okay?
134 00:06:07 You're sitting therelike I didn't just tell you
135 00:06:09 we gotta deal with this right now.
136 00:06:12 Because we got a real shotat Jerry this year.
137 00:06:14 You say that every year.
138 00:06:15 - Yeah, but this year's different.- You say that every year.
139 00:06:18 - But this year's really different.- You said that last year.
140 00:06:20 I know, you're right.
141 00:06:21 But this year's actually different
142 00:06:25 because we know exactlywhere he's going to be and when.
143 00:06:31 "The wedding celebrationof Susan and Jerry.
144 00:06:33 "Saturday, May 31st."
145 00:06:35 He's a sitting duck!
146 00:06:38 We gotta join forces. We get Jerry now,
147 00:06:42 or we die.
148 00:06:43 - What?- Eventually. You know what I mean.
149 00:06:48 Come on, Bob.
150 00:06:49 (SIGHS)
151 00:06:51 You gonna grow old,or you gonna keep playing?
152 00:06:59 (EXHALES) Keep playing.
153 00:07:00 That is the right answer.Nice to meet you.
154 00:07:03 - REBECCA: Uh...- I'm sorry. I have to go.
155 00:07:04 No. Uh...
156 00:07:07 Hold on. Hold on.
157 00:07:08 I can't believe he's getting married,and he didn't even tell us.
158 00:07:10 I know. I was mad at first, too,and then hurt.
159 00:07:12 But, you know, he just realizedhe'd be a sitting target.
160 00:07:15 That's insane, even for him.
161 00:07:16 Will one of you please tell mewhat's going on here?
162 00:07:19 Are we off the record?
163 00:07:20 No, definitely not.
164 00:07:22 Awesome. Okay.
165 00:07:23 Our group of friends has been playingthe same game of tag for 30 years.
166 00:07:26 What?
167 00:07:27 For the entire month of May,every year, we play tag.
168 00:07:30 Just like when we were kids.
169 00:07:31 But we're not on a playground,and we all live in different cities.
170 00:07:33 So you don't ever knowwhen someone's gonna pop up.
171 00:07:36 You could be shopping at the mall,
172 00:07:37 and then your buddyjumps out of the trunk
173 00:07:39 and, boom, tags you. You're it.
174 00:07:41 Here's the craziest part.
175 00:07:42 Our buddy, Jerry, never been tagged.
176 00:07:44 What do you mean he's never been tagged?You never put your hand on his body?
177 00:07:48 Not during the month of May.For like, 30 years.
178 00:07:50 Why don't you just go over to his houseand tag him?
179 00:07:53 - HOAGIE: It's not that easy.- Why not?
180 00:07:55 Because... (SIGHS)
181 00:07:59 Well, for starters,because he's so freaking fast.
182 00:08:04 You just can't catch him.
183 00:08:06 BOB: Yeah,and if you do manage to catch him,
184 00:08:08 then he goes feral and turns intosome kind of crazy wild animal.
185 00:08:12 (ROARS)
186 00:08:16 HOAGIE: And if you manageto trap the wild animal,
187 00:08:21 he still finds a way.
188 00:08:23 (THUNDER RUMBLING)
189 00:08:24 REBECCA: What just happened there?
190 00:08:26 To this day, I have no idea. No idea.
191 00:08:29 He's the best that ever played. Yeah.
192 00:08:32 And now, he wants to retirewith a perfect record,
193 00:08:35 make us all look like fools. Fools!
194 00:08:39 He gets very excited.
195 00:08:42 There he is.
196 00:08:44 Wait. You're not leaving.
197 00:08:46 - Look, Ms. Crosby, I apologize.-(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
198 00:08:47 Uh, I will have someone from my officereach out to you.
199 00:08:49 We will reschedule thisas soon as I'm back in town.
200 00:08:51 Uh,nope.
201 00:08:53 - Nope?- No. Change of plan.
202 00:08:55 I'm coming with you.
203 00:08:56 This is a story.
204 00:08:58 What? No.
205 00:08:59 Yes. This is the coolest game ever.
206 00:09:01 I don't think that's gonna be her angle.
207 00:09:02 I don't know what my angle is,
208 00:09:04 but I do find it very interestingthat we live in a world
209 00:09:07 where grown men take an entire month
210 00:09:09 out of every yearto play a child's game.
211 00:09:11 It's very interesting.You're right. Let's go.
212 00:09:14 I don't think she means interestingin a good way.
213 00:09:16 - HOAGIE: Get in, Bob.- Fine! Fuck it, I'm going.
214 00:09:19 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
215 00:09:29 (BONG BUBBLING)
216 00:09:37 (COUGHING)
217 00:09:41 All right, it's all ready for you, Dad.
218 00:09:46 Hey! Thank you. Thank you.
219 00:09:50 I'll be honest with you.Ever since my wife died,
220 00:09:54 you've really been the rockholding me down.
221 00:10:01 So thank you.
222 00:10:03 Well, I appreciate that.I really do.
223 00:10:05 But your wife is not dead.
224 00:10:07 Well, she's dead to me. (CHUCKLES)
225 00:10:11 What?
226 00:10:12 -(BOTH LAUGHING)- Yeah.
227 00:10:14 - That's right.- That's right.
228 00:10:16 Listen to me.
229 00:10:19 "To live in the past isto die in the present."
230 00:10:22 Now, who said that?
231 00:10:23 - You did.- Bill Belichick said that!
232 00:10:26 God love him. Yes, sir.
233 00:10:28 All right, I'm gonna get us more weed.
234 00:10:29 God bless you, son.
235 00:10:30 (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
236 00:10:32 Damn, that was fast!
237 00:10:39 - Hey!- Hey, Anna.
238 00:10:40 - Hey, Chilli. How are you?- Good, nice to see you.
239 00:10:42 What are you doing here?
240 00:10:44 I was... I was walking by
241 00:10:47 and thought I'd pop inand say hi to you and Roger.
242 00:10:50 Yeah, we're doing great. Where's Hoagie?
243 00:10:53 Oh, um... He's, um...You know... (SIGHS)
244 00:10:55 - Oh, shit!- Hogan's in, uh, the library.
245 00:10:59 Is it... Dad, what month is it?
246 00:11:03 May.
247 00:11:05 Mmm-mmm. You're not getting by me.
248 00:11:07 (YELLING)
249 00:11:10 Anna, are you okay?
250 00:11:11 He's loose! He's loose!
251 00:11:13 Fuck it.
252 00:11:14 Hogan, honey, he's coming.
253 00:11:17 He's heading down the east stairwell.
254 00:11:23 (YELLS)
255 00:11:26 - Hey.Hogan!- Hey, Chilli!
256 00:11:28 I haven't seen you in a while, man.How's everything?
257 00:11:30 - Pretty good. Yeah, what about you?- Good, yeah.
258 00:11:32 Everything's good, man. Yeah, work.I mean, I'm going through that divorce.
259 00:11:34 - You sure?- But, everything's fine. It's fine.
260 00:11:36 Hey, also, side note.Stop bringing your wife into this, man.
261 00:11:39 That's bullshit.She's way too intense for the game.
262 00:11:41 You're just jealous'cause she's such a badass.
263 00:11:43 She's my secret weapon.Kind of worked 'cause you're trapped.
264 00:11:46 - Am I trapped?- Yeah.
265 00:11:47 L am? (YELLS)
266 00:11:49 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
267 00:11:50 Damn you, Chilli!
268 00:11:52 (YELLING)
269 00:12:00 Jesus, Chilli!
270 00:12:01 That's trash!
271 00:12:06 (WHIMPERING)
272 00:12:15 (GRUNTING) Fuck me!
273 00:12:18 Oh, hey, Martin!
274 00:12:20 Oh. Hi. Sorry.
275 00:12:25 (GRUNTS)
276 00:12:26 (GROANING)
277 00:12:37 CHILLI: Excuse me, Mrs. Martin.Coming through.
278 00:12:39 (YELLING)
279 00:12:41 HOAGIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
280 00:12:43 Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.So sorry. Wow. Okay.
281 00:12:49 - Get him, Andy!-(YELLING)
282 00:12:54 - Good, Andy, good!-(HOAGIE GRUNTING)
283 00:13:03 HOAGIE: Ho, ho, ho, ho.
284 00:13:04 Chilli, Chilli, Chilli...
285 00:13:08 Chilli! No, no, no!
286 00:13:11 (CHILLI SCREAMING)
287 00:13:16 (EXHALES SHARPLY)
288 00:13:20 (COUGHING)
289 00:13:24 Oh, fuck!
290 00:13:26 - You okay, buddy?-(CONTINUES COUGHING)
291 00:13:29 Oh, just great. Great.
292 00:13:32 You ain't getting me today, man.I'm not losing.
293 00:13:34 There's only one problem, Chilli.
294 00:13:35 Oh, yeah? What's that? (GROANS)
295 00:13:38 I'm not it.
296 00:13:40 (SIGHS) The fuck you mean,you're not it?
297 00:13:42 BOB: I am, motherfucker!
298 00:13:43 (BOTH GRUNT)
299 00:13:44 Oh!
300 00:13:45 -(BC)B LAUGHING)-(CHILLI GROANING)
301 00:13:47 - It! Come on. Get up.- Goddamn!
302 00:13:50 - You all right?- Yeah, I'm fine.
303 00:13:51 You took a pretty big hit there. My God.
304 00:13:52 Yeah, I thought I got away.
305 00:13:54 - Set him up. Knock him down.- Oh, my God!
306 00:13:57 - Good idea.- All right, fair and square.
307 00:13:58 - I'm it, right?- Yes.
308 00:13:59 And now you're it.
309 00:14:01 - Whoa. Nope.- Yeah.
310 00:14:02 Nope. I'm not taking it.
311 00:14:04 No, I'm not. No!
312 00:14:05 - No.- We're not... No!
313 00:14:07 Guys, we're too old for...
314 00:14:10 No, don't start hitting. God.
315 00:14:12 No, no, you're it.I don't know who is it.
316 00:14:15 - You're it. You're it.- Guys, guys!
317 00:14:17 - This is ridiculous.- Son of a bitch! You sack punched me!
318 00:14:19 - Well, you punched me!- You sack punched him?
319 00:14:21 Yeah, you went crazy, and now you're it.
320 00:14:23 - Sorry.- Okay, I'm it.
321 00:14:24 ALL: Truce, truce, truce.
322 00:14:25 Deal.
323 00:14:26 This isn't about us anyway.
324 00:14:30 This is the year we get Jerry.
325 00:14:31 - Oh, we're not gonna get Jerry.- HOAGIE: He said the same thing.
326 00:14:33 No, no. I said the same thing.We got a plan, all right?
327 00:14:35 (HORN HONKS)
328 00:14:38 Guys! Guys, let's go.
329 00:14:40 She's so intense, man.She takes it too far.
330 00:14:42 You know what? If it wasn't for me,you guys would be day drunk,
331 00:14:44 playing mini-golf with 12-year-olds.
332 00:14:46 Let's go. I know where Sable is.Get in the car, ladies.
333 00:14:49 Yeah, we're going right to the airport,so grab a bag, grab a...
334 00:14:50 - A toothbrush or whatever.- I'm good. Let's go.
335 00:14:53 - Really?- Wow!
336 00:14:54 - That's gross.- Well, he's gung-ho. That's good.
337 00:14:55 Hey, Rebecca,we're gonna go get Sable now.
338 00:14:57 Who is Sable?
339 00:14:59 (THUNDER RUMBLING)
340 00:15:02 SABLE: I know you thinkshe's not cheating on me.
341 00:15:04 But what about the possibility
342 00:15:07 of her knowing that I'm following herto Pilates class,
343 00:15:09 and on the dayswhen it's not Pilates class,
344 00:15:11 that's when she has all the free timeto ride random dick.
345 00:15:16 Okay, riding dicks.
346 00:15:19 Kevin, you're really focusedon other dicks.
347 00:15:22 But what about yours? What about you?
348 00:15:24 If you don't focus on the other dicks,
349 00:15:26 those dicks will plug upthe places you wanna go.
350 00:15:28 What about mentallygoing into each of those holes
351 00:15:33 and unplugging every one of those dicks.Pulling out, pulling out, pulling out.
352 00:15:39 And then you have a clear mind.Dickless.
353 00:15:42 Well, I'm paranoidthat my original paranoia
354 00:15:44 might turn on my paranoia.
355 00:15:46 It sounds like there aresome fundamental trust issues.
356 00:15:49 You can't trust anybody.
357 00:15:50 I don't think anyone's out to get you.
358 00:15:52 I don't think anyone is following you.
359 00:15:54 BOB: Ow! Stop!
360 00:15:55 CHILLI: I can't take it anymore.
361 00:15:56 I can't take it. I can't listen to this.
362 00:15:59 Are you shushing me?
363 00:16:01 (PSYCHOLOGIST GASPS)
364 00:16:04 What the fuck?
365 00:16:06 - Oh, wow!- How are you?
366 00:16:08 - Doctor!- You're there.
367 00:16:10 Hi, Hogan. Nice to meet you.
368 00:16:12 Bob Callahan. How do you do?
369 00:16:13 - Sorry, this is a terrible idea.- Who are you?
370 00:16:15 BOB: We're friends of Sable's.
371 00:16:16 (LAUGHING)
372 00:16:17 We thought it'd be really funnyto hide in there,
373 00:16:19 but then we overheard way too much.
374 00:16:21 Yeah, buddy, you're clearlygoing through a lot of shit.
375 00:16:24 All right, get here, man.
376 00:16:25 And, um, also, you're it, so...
377 00:16:28 I don't care. I miss you.How are you, buddy? Good to see you.
378 00:16:31 - I'm good.- Yup.
379 00:16:32 - Now you're it.- BOB: I know. I know. I'm it.
380 00:16:34 Anyway, yeah, we came to get you,so come on.
381 00:16:36 - Sable. Come on.- Come on.
382 00:16:38 I got 40 minutes left in the session.
383 00:16:41 - So what? This is important.- Yeah.
384 00:16:43 Pack your bags. We're going home.
385 00:16:48 I don't have my bags here.
386 00:16:50 BOB: Yeah, we know.HOAGIE: Obviously.
387 00:16:51 - For fuck's sake.- I know that. It's just--
388 00:16:52 We will go by your houseand get your stuff.
389 00:16:53 You should've just went to my housein the first place
390 00:16:55 if we were gonna go to my house anyway.
391 00:16:56 - This seemed like a better idea.- BOB: It was a whole bit! Let's go.
392 00:16:58 Yeah, come on, we'll figure it out.
393 00:16:59 Okay, you'll still owe me for this hour.
394 00:17:01 HOAGIE: Thanks, Doctor.
395 00:17:02 You guys aren't takingmy mental health seriously.
396 00:17:04 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
397 00:17:28 Look at those little assholes.
398 00:17:31 -(LAUGHING) Calm down.-It's awful to be back.
399 00:17:33 It's gonna be fun.
400 00:17:55 (SNIFFING) Ah! It Still smells the same.
401 00:18:01 BOB: Uh... Here we go.
402 00:18:06 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
403 00:18:08 All right!
404 00:18:18 "Uh!
405 00:18:21 (GRUNTS)
406 00:18:23 CHILLI: Okay, yeah.
407 00:18:26 Oh, yeah, it's still there.
408 00:18:29 Guys, we're back in the war room.
409 00:18:32 You know what that means.
410 00:18:33 No, I don't know what that means.
411 00:18:35 It means we're going to war, Sable.Now, just to be clear,
412 00:18:38 we're not gonna tag Jerryat the actual wedding ceremony
413 00:18:41 because, frankly,that would make us giant assholes.
414 00:18:44 I'm sorry. I thought that wasthe whole point of this.
415 00:18:46 I took two weeks unpaid vacationfor that exact reason.
416 00:18:49 - Two weeks?- Yeah.
417 00:18:50 I'm going zip-lining after this.
418 00:18:52 Okay. There's gonna be plenty of timeto get him before the ceremony.
419 00:18:55 There's a rehearsal dinner.
420 00:18:57 There's a luncheon, photo shoot.Just don't worry. We're gonna get him.
421 00:19:01 Very official plan. Who wants to smokesome weed with me? Sable!
422 00:19:03 I'll take a toke.
423 00:19:05 What?
424 00:19:06 Yeah, I've been, uh, you know,experimenting with pot recently.
425 00:19:11 Mostly medicinal, but hey.
426 00:19:13 I've wanted to get high with youmy entire life, Hogan.
427 00:19:17 (LAUGHS)
428 00:19:18 - Honestly.- Let's do it.
429 00:19:19 - This is the best gift of all time.- Okay.
430 00:19:23 This is exactly how I imagined it,by the way.
431 00:19:26 -(LINDA SIGHS)-(COUGHING)
432 00:19:28 (WHISPERS) Hoagie's morn.
433 00:19:30 I've got pizza rollsfor my pizza roll boys.
434 00:19:33 Ooh. Pizza rolls.
435 00:19:37 (SNIFFING)
436 00:19:38 Is that marijuana I smell?
437 00:19:40 (HOAGIE SNORTS)
438 00:19:43 No. What?
439 00:19:45 It's my pot. I'm really sorry.I was smoking pot. It's an old habit.
440 00:19:48 Oh, so it's your weedie.
441 00:19:51 (BOTH CHUCKLE)
442 00:19:53 I think I'm getting a contact high.
443 00:19:55 _()kay._(SNIFFS)
444 00:19:56 Hits me deep. Below the belt, you know.
445 00:19:59 I've got a belt upstairs.
446 00:20:01 I use it on naughty little boys.
447 00:20:03 (BOTH LAUGHING)
448 00:20:05 What the fuck is going on?
449 00:20:07 I hope you don't hurt those boys.
450 00:20:09 - I don't mean to.-(BOTH CHUCKLING)
451 00:20:12 It was really nice speaking with you.Thank you for the pizza rolls.
452 00:20:14 Mom, stop flirting with Chilli.
453 00:20:18 Linda, have you seen Jerry lately?
454 00:20:21 I mean, do you still play tenniswith his mom?
455 00:20:23 Because we need to find himbefore the wedding,
456 00:20:24 and we've got no clues.
457 00:20:26 I don't even talk to her.I never see her at the club.
458 00:20:28 But I'm thrilled for Jerry.Susan is such a nice girl.
459 00:20:31 - We just need the information.- Yeah, we need to find him. Yeah.
460 00:20:33 Have you taken the guysover to the Sandpiper?
461 00:20:36 Lou does nothing but talk about youand the old days and Jerry.
462 00:20:41 You know, I think he's lonely.
463 00:20:43 Okay, that's not helpful. But it...
464 00:20:45 Oh, my God!
465 00:20:46 Lou knows everythinggoing on in this town.
466 00:20:48 Guys, we're going to the Sandpiper.
467 00:20:50 I don't wanna go to the Sandpiper.I'm having a great time here.
468 00:20:53 I miss this basement.We don't have any more beer.
469 00:20:55 Let's go to the Sandpiper.
470 00:21:03 (INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
471 00:21:09 LOU!
472 00:21:11 Gentlemen! And ladies.
473 00:21:13 How are you guys?Hey, we have new summer stouts on draft.
474 00:21:17 Lou, we don't give a shit about summerstouts. We're just looking for Jerry.
475 00:21:19 Ooh, I hate to be the bearerof bad tidings, Anna,
476 00:21:22 but you are technicallystill banned from here.
477 00:21:25 HOAGIEI What? Still?ANNA: What?
478 00:21:26 It was dollar margarita night, Lou.
479 00:21:28 Hey, I don't make the rules.
480 00:21:29 Fuck you, Lou.
481 00:21:31 You know something about Jerry.I can see it in your eyes, you rat fuck.
482 00:21:35 I don't know where Jerry is.
483 00:21:36 Fuck you. Tell us.
484 00:21:39 -(STAMMERS)- I'm sorry, Lou. I'm so sorry.
485 00:21:42 (EXHALES) How are you? How's your morn?
486 00:21:44 - Fantastic.- AN NA: Oh, that's good.
487 00:21:45 - Fit as a fiddle.- Tell her I said hi.
488 00:21:47 LOU: I will, for sure.She'll love hearing that.
489 00:21:48 And fuck you.I don't wanna be in this bar anyway.
490 00:21:49 - Okay, okay.- We're gonna wait outside.
491 00:21:50 Look forward to catching up with y'all.(LAUGHS) Whoo!
492 00:21:53 Listen, I'll tell you everythingyou need to know about Jerry
493 00:21:56 if you tag me just one time.It is all I ask. I will spill.
494 00:22:01 Why can't I tag you?
495 00:22:03 Because I'm not officially in the game.
496 00:22:06 What's the good word, Lou?
497 00:22:07 We don't stop playing'cause we grow old.
498 00:22:09 We grow old because we stop playing.
499 00:22:11 You are not part of this game.
500 00:22:13 - Benjamin Franklin.-(CHILLI CHUCKLES)
501 00:22:14 - Lou.- Yeah?
502 00:22:16 Where's Jerry?
503 00:22:17 I'm afraid I can't help you outwith that, boys.
504 00:22:19 - BOB: Really?- Yeah, you see,
505 00:22:21 Jerry and I struck a little deal.
506 00:22:22 I say nothing about his whereabouts,and then I get to play tag next year.
507 00:22:26 - Jerry made that deal with you?- LOU: Oh, yeah.
508 00:22:27 And I am unbreakable, boys.
509 00:22:30 Cannot penetrate this Iron Curtain.
510 00:22:32 The vault is closed.
511 00:22:35 Well, Lou, that is a real shame becauseI was gonna introduce you to Rebecca,
512 00:22:38 who is writing an article about tagfor The Wall Street Journal.
513 00:22:42 How cool is that?
514 00:22:43 CHILLI: So cool.BOB: Isn't that exciting?
515 00:22:44 Is there any waythat Lou could be in your article?
516 00:22:47 Oh, yeah.
517 00:22:48 Right? It's an interesting angle, right?
518 00:22:49 Probably has to be a storyfor that to happen, right?
519 00:22:51 What do you mean,there has to be a story?
520 00:22:54 Well, I mean, no Jerry, no story.
521 00:22:56 You need Jerry for the story?
522 00:22:58 Could you imagine that thingprinted out here, framed?
523 00:23:00 - Hanging on the wall? With this guy?- CHILLl: Yeah.
524 00:23:01 Which will get published everywhere.Everyone will see.
525 00:23:03 - Nationally.- Don't you wanna be in the article?
526 00:23:05 Yeah, dude.I would love to be in an article.
527 00:23:07 Well, we're not gonna breakFort Knox here.
528 00:23:09 Fuck, man. All right.
529 00:23:10 - I was really excited about that story.- BOB: Good to see you, buddy.
530 00:23:12 - Good luck, man.- LOU: Look, look, look.
531 00:23:17 My mom talked to his morn,
532 00:23:18 and she said that the rehearsalis at the Deer Creek Country Club.
533 00:23:21 - Deer Creek.- There it is.
534 00:23:23 Anyways, the name is Louis Seibert.That's S-E-I-B...
535 00:23:25 - Oh, I'll remember that. Thank you.- She's got a great memory.
536 00:23:27 Big Lou, thank you, buddy.
537 00:23:29 - Thank you.- LOU: Yeah, you bet.
538 00:23:32 ANNA: Oh, hello, Ms. Rollins?
539 00:23:34 This is Margaret fromthe Deer Creek Country Club.
540 00:23:37 I'm just calling to let you knowwe won't be able to refund your deposit
541 00:23:39 since you canceled the rehearsalon such short notice.
542 00:23:42 SUSAN". What? Oh, my God.JERRY". I think you have a mistake here.
543 00:23:44 SUSAN: Uh, we didn't cancelthe reception.
544 00:23:46 I'm afraid we have unfortunately bookedsomething else in that time slot now.
545 00:23:51 -(WHISPERS) A quinceafiera.- A quinceafiera.
546 00:23:53 SUSAN: A what?JERRY: The fuck's a quinceafiera?
547 00:23:55 A celebration of womanhood.
548 00:23:57 It's a celebration of womanhood.
549 00:23:58 JERRY: This is bullshit.SUSAN: Oh, my God!
550 00:24:00 We're coming to the club right now.
551 00:24:01 (ALL LAUGHING)
552 00:24:08 (TIRES SCREECHING)
553 00:24:34 JERRY: Hello?
554 00:24:38 Hello?
555 00:24:44 Hello, boys.
556 00:24:46 Who is it?
557 00:24:48 I am.
558 00:24:50 JERRY: Callahan approachesfrom the left.
559 00:24:55 Engage no-contact protocol.
560 00:24:59 No hand shall touch my body.
561 00:25:05 (GROANS)
562 00:25:06 JERRY: Mental note. Bob slapped Hoagiewith his hand. Hoagie is now it.
563 00:25:10 (SHOES SQUEAKING)
564 00:25:14 Chilli.
565 00:25:16 He dives at me in a pussy-like fashion.
566 00:25:19 Poor planning. Poor execution.
567 00:25:22 (GROANING)
568 00:25:24 JERRY: Piece of cake.
569 00:25:26 I head for the door to escape.
570 00:25:27 Sable blocks it.
571 00:25:29 It's showtime.
572 00:25:34 Hoagie has tagged Sable.He is now fair game.
573 00:25:39 I speedbag him.
574 00:25:45 (YELLING)
575 00:25:54 (GROANS)
576 00:25:55 (LAUGHING)
577 00:25:56 Jerry! You okay?
578 00:26:00 Oh, I've never been better.
579 00:26:02 Welcome home, boys!
580 00:26:06 (JERRY LAUGHS)
581 00:26:07 Hey, who's this with you?
582 00:26:09 Oh, this is Rebecca. She's a reporter.
583 00:26:12 Very famous.
584 00:26:13 Did they, uh, mention thatI haven't been tagged in 30 years
585 00:26:15 'cause they suck at this game?
586 00:26:17 Extensively.
587 00:26:18 Never been tagged. Just saying.
588 00:26:19 BOB: I can't believe you would rather
589 00:26:20 not invite your closest friendsto your wedding
590 00:26:22 than risk getting tagged.
591 00:26:24 Hey, Bob, look, you're here, ain't you?Right? I knew you'd come.
592 00:26:27 SUSAN: Cookie, the valet needs the keys.
593 00:26:29 Hi, baby. Come here, honey. Come here.
594 00:26:30 We didn't invite you.
595 00:26:32 - Yeah. Sorry.- Uh, guys.
596 00:26:35 This is Susan, my soon-to-be-bride.
597 00:26:36 - Hi. Nice to meet you, Susan.- Hey.
598 00:26:38 - Hi.- She'll explain why.
599 00:26:40 It's just... (SIGHS)I know it sounds really crazy.
600 00:26:43 It's just, everyone on my mother's sidehave had May weddings,
601 00:26:46 and I don't wantmy wedding ruined over...
602 00:26:49 I swear, I don't wanna be that woman,
603 00:26:52 but I do feel like that woman is kindof understandable in this situation.
604 00:26:57 JERRY: Don't make excuses, baby.You don't have to. Come on.
605 00:26:59 Look, I already broke a fucking window.What are we gonna do here, guys?
606 00:27:04 - Amendment.- Amendment.
607 00:27:05 Amendment. All right. Get in here.
608 00:27:07 Truce. Truce, bitches.
609 00:27:10 No tag at the rehearsal.No tag at the luncheon.
610 00:27:13 No tag at the dinner. And do noteven mention tag at the ceremony.
611 00:27:16 HOAGIE: Ceremony.
612 00:27:19 - We got it.- Thank you.
613 00:27:21 No way, I'm not signing this.
614 00:27:22 You're officially re-not invited.How's that?
615 00:27:23 Okay, then fine.
616 00:27:25 I'll crash your fucking wedding,
617 00:27:26 and I'll tag youas you try to kiss your bride.
618 00:27:28 Hey, hey, hey-
619 00:27:29 Look, Susan.You seem like a lovely person,
620 00:27:31 and I'm sure this will all be fine.
621 00:27:33 We just need to formalize it, somethingwe've been doing a long time and, uh...
622 00:27:37 - Sign it.-(CHUCKLES)
623 00:27:41 What the...
624 00:27:42 "No mention of tag is..."
625 00:27:44 - Ridiculous.-It's unreasonable.
626 00:27:46 Thank you, GUYS-
627 00:27:47 -(LAUGHING)- BOB: Here.
628 00:27:50 All right, boys.
629 00:27:55 - All right.- So good to see you, Bob.
630 00:27:56 You know what? Don't touch me whenwe're on a truce. It's very patronizing.
631 00:27:59 Yeah, it's a little weird for me, too.
632 00:28:00 Well, it was really nicemeeting everyone,
633 00:28:03 and I look forward to getting to knowyou guys better this weekend and just...
634 00:28:07 I don't know. I've just dreamtabout this day my whole life, so...
635 00:28:10 - Congrats, Susan. We're happy for you.-It's gonna be great.
636 00:28:12 Thank you.
637 00:28:13 It's really good to see you, boys.
638 00:28:14 Cheers.
639 00:28:17 Six tequilas, please.
640 00:28:22 - To Jerry.- Wait.
641 00:28:25 Oh!
642 00:28:27 So, boys, how did it go?
643 00:28:29 - Not good.- So bad.
644 00:28:31 So, so bad.
645 00:28:33 Did you guys just sign awayyour chance to tag him?
646 00:28:35 Yeah, but we're still okaybecause non-wedding times are fair game.
647 00:28:40 We just gotta find the right window.
648 00:28:42 - What happened?- BOB: He kicked our ass.
649 00:28:43 - Well, technically, he punched my ass.- BOB: Punched your ass.
650 00:28:45 - HOAGIE: Repeatedly.- Hard.
651 00:28:47 Well, according to the bylaws,that is highly illegal.
652 00:28:48 Except he didn't hit my asshole,
653 00:28:51 -so it's legal.-It's legal.
654 00:28:52 Okay, what are you talking about?
655 00:28:54 Here.
656 00:28:55 Page¨.
657 00:28:57 Yes! Right there.
658 00:28:59 No asshole punching.
659 00:29:01 Why would you play a game whereyou're constantly punched in the ass?
660 00:29:06 Fair question, Rebecca.
661 00:29:07 Beep. I'll take this.
662 00:29:09 Tag is more than a game.It's a way of life.
663 00:29:12 No, buddy.
664 00:29:13 That's exactly right. You nailed it.
665 00:29:16 Facial disgracial.
666 00:29:18 HOAGIE: Okay, Lou, thank you.
667 00:29:19 We'll take it from here.Uh... (CHUCKLES)
668 00:29:22 But he's exactly right.
669 00:29:23 It's so much more than a game.
670 00:29:25 Say I'm LeVar Burton.Say I'm LeVar Burton.
671 00:29:28 HOAGIE: I was therewhen Sable lost his virginity.
672 00:29:30 SABLE: God damn it, Hoagie!I was almost finished!
673 00:29:32 HOAGIE: Get over here!
674 00:29:33 And Callahan was therewhen Anna and I had our first child.
675 00:29:36 (ANNA BREATHING RAPIDLY)
676 00:29:37 Congratulations, buddy.You're it. Doing great, Anna.
677 00:29:41 HOAGIE: And all the guys were therefor me when my father died.
678 00:29:43 I think your dad would havereally wanted you to be
679 00:29:47 -it in this moment.-(ALL LAUGHING)
680 00:29:52 HOAGIE: This game,
681 00:29:53 it's given us a reason to bein each other's lives all these years.
682 00:29:56 The last it from each seasonwill live in shame for one year.
683 00:30:00 - So what happens if you lose?- You lose.
684 00:30:01 - You're it.- What does the winner get?
685 00:30:03 There are no winners. Just not losers.
686 00:30:05 I would love to sit here and deconstructthe spirit of competition with everyone,
687 00:30:09 but Jerry's still on the loose,
688 00:30:11 and we've got to get him where it hurts.
689 00:30:12 - Not in the asshole.- Not in the asshole. Obviously.
690 00:30:15 Oh! Guys, let's go to his house.
691 00:30:16 He wouldn't be at his house.It's too obvious.
692 00:30:18 Yeah, it's too obvious,so he's gonna be there. This is Jerry.
693 00:30:21 Maybe it's so obvious thatit's not obvious that he will be there.
694 00:30:25 - So he's at the house.- He's not gonna be there.
695 00:30:27 If he's there, then it'll be obviousfor him to be there,
696 00:30:30 so he wouldn't be there
697 00:30:31 because he would think that we wouldautomatically come there, obviously.
698 00:30:35 What?
699 00:30:36 You know what? One way to find out.
700 00:30:37 Let's go.
701 00:30:38 -It'll be obvious to...-(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
702 00:30:39 CHILLI: Come on!
703 00:30:57 (DOOR RATTLES)
704 00:30:58 lfslocked.
705 00:31:03 (GRUNTING)
706 00:31:06 What do you see?
707 00:31:08 It's nice.
708 00:31:09 There's lot of attention to detail,but not too overdone.
709 00:31:12 Well, can you just unlock it?
710 00:31:17 REBECCA: This is breaking and entering.
711 00:31:19 No, it doesn't countif you know the person.
712 00:31:22 That is not true.
713 00:31:25 "Did you guys really thinkI would be home?"
714 00:31:30 Feels like a trap.
715 00:31:31 All right, let's split up.We'll cover more ground.
716 00:31:32 No, that's a terrible idea.
717 00:31:34 SABLE: He'll never expect it.
718 00:31:35 Now help me out of the door, please.
719 00:31:40 Jerry!
720 00:31:43 (WHISPERS) He's gotta be here.
721 00:31:45 (BEEPS)
722 00:31:48 - Have you ever even been here before?-(SHUSHING)
723 00:31:56 Ooh.
724 00:31:58 Deviled eggs.
725 00:32:01 Delicious. These go fast.
726 00:32:10 SABLE'. What the fuck'?
727 00:32:12 Oh, man.
728 00:32:15 Whoa.
729 00:32:17 Jerry got chloroform?
730 00:32:19 What the fuck? He has stepped it up.
731 00:32:23 Aerial maps of the city.Bunch of blueprints.
732 00:32:27 Five different hats? Wow.
733 00:32:30 People change.
734 00:32:37 (BEEPS)
735 00:32:40 Did you...
736 00:32:42 I didn't do anything.
737 00:32:47 (CELL PHONE RINGING)
738 00:32:53 Who is that scampering around my house?
739 00:32:56 Hello, boys, did you really thinkI'd go home?
740 00:33:00 - You idiots.- I knew it.
741 00:33:01 - It's too obvious.- Yep.
742 00:33:03 I mean, that's just a lucky guess.
743 00:33:05 Okay, Jerry, where are you?
744 00:33:06 You know, seeing you guys tonight
745 00:33:07 made me wanna take a walk downmemory lane.
746 00:33:10 Ta-da!
747 00:33:11 - Is that your...- That's my bedroom.
748 00:33:13 You're at my parents' house.Why are you at my parents' house?
749 00:33:14 It's a little smaller than I remember.
750 00:33:16 You broke into my house!
751 00:33:18 We broke into his house.
752 00:33:19 Yeah, we broke into your house.
753 00:33:21 JERRY". Hey, hey! Look who I found, Hoag.
754 00:33:23 (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)Hoagie, I miss you so much!
755 00:33:25 What are you doing with Mr. Stubbles?
756 00:33:26 (IN NORMAL VOICE) This little guygot you through
757 00:33:28 a lot of troubles in life, didn't he?
758 00:33:29 All right, Jerry.
759 00:33:31 (JERRY LAUGHING)
760 00:33:32 Let's see where this one goes.
761 00:33:34 Mr. Stubbles has something to say.What was that?
762 00:33:37 He says that his skin's very dry.It needs to be moisturized.
763 00:33:40 Jerry, put down Mr. Stubbles.So help me God.
764 00:33:44 What's happening here?
765 00:33:46 I think he's about to masturbatein Hoagie's childhood bedroom.
766 00:33:48 Oh, no.
767 00:33:50 It's the ultimate act of dominance.
768 00:33:52 I'm gonna stay here until you come.
769 00:33:55 Unless I come first.
770 00:33:58 You sly dog.
771 00:34:02 - HOAGIE: Go! Go! Go!- Did you get him?
772 00:34:04 HOAGIE: Start the car!ANNA: I started it. I started it.
773 00:34:06 Everybody put their seat belts on.
774 00:34:07 HOAGIE: Go! Go! Go!
775 00:34:08 - Everybody in.- ANNA: Hold on.
776 00:34:10 - Is everybody in?-(TIRES SCREECHING)
777 00:34:16 JERRY: This is gonna be nice and smooth,Mr. Stubbies.
778 00:34:18 This isn't gonna hurt whatsoever.
779 00:34:20 Stay put. We're coming for you.We're coming for you.
780 00:34:23 (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)Yeah, but hurry up! Daddy, hurry up!
781 00:34:26 Mr. Stubbles is not into you.He can't be into you.
782 00:34:28 He's not a sexual being, okay?So put him down!
783 00:34:31 (JERRY LAUGHING)
784 00:34:37 Hey, team.
785 00:34:44 (LAUGHING)
786 00:34:46 Jerry, how are you in my room right now?
787 00:34:49 We're all in my room.
788 00:34:50 No, of course I'm not there. I'm here.In my basement.
789 00:34:54 Where are you guys?
790 00:34:55 HOAGIE: Are you fucking kidding me?
791 00:34:58 CHILLI: He built a replicaof your bedroom in his basement?
792 00:35:01 Good night, gentlemen.
793 00:35:06 (SIGHS)
794 00:35:07 (TV PLAYING)
795 00:35:11 Ah, amateurs.
796 00:35:15 REBECCA: Let's begin. Um...
797 00:35:16 So kind of a rough start.
798 00:35:19 That was pretty standard, actually.Yeah, Jerry's extreme.
799 00:35:22 The masturbation was fake,but the pleasure was real.
800 00:35:25 I mean, I've said it before,but we're not gonna tag him because,
801 00:35:28 you know, he's better at tagthan us. (CHUCKLES)
802 00:35:30 I'm obviously going to be the onethat tags Jerry.
803 00:35:33 I've been workingwith this Japanese guy. Sensei.
804 00:35:36 He knows zero karate.
805 00:35:39 Oh, he doesn't know karate.He's claiming to know karate?
806 00:35:43 He doesn't know karate.I don't think he knows karate.
807 00:35:45 Well, then what does he call it whenI roundhouse kicked him in 10th grade?
808 00:35:48 Callahan and Chilli did get in ahuge fight sophomore year of high school
809 00:35:51 and Callahan did just tag Chilliwith a beautiful roundhouse kick.
810 00:35:56 But in Chilli's defense, when Callahankicked him... (CLEARS THROAT)
811 00:35:59 He shit in his pants!
812 00:36:01 Yeah, okay, that never happened.
813 00:36:03 And it's nice to actually getan opportunity to address it directly.
814 00:36:06 By all means. I'm all ears.
815 00:36:07 I mean, I was very sweaty.It was warm out.
816 00:36:11 The sweaty ass defense?He's been banging that drum for years.
817 00:36:15 Hottest October on record, if I recall.Look it up.
818 00:36:17 Wall Street Journal,you have fact checkers
819 00:36:19 for this exact scenario, right?
820 00:36:20 Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
821 00:36:22 While you're at it,can you have the fact checkers look into
822 00:36:24 if The Maury Povich Show is staged?'Cause it feels staged,
823 00:36:28 but he swears it's not staged.
824 00:36:30 But they do the exact same thingevery time.
825 00:36:33 What?
826 00:36:39 -(BOTTLES CLATTERING)- Ah!
827 00:36:47 (SNORING)
828 00:36:49 (WHISPERING) Sable, I know whereJerry's gonna be. I need the tag.
829 00:36:54 Okay.
830 00:36:57 Yeah. Just picked up the tux.
831 00:37:00 All right, see you soon, babe.
832 00:37:03 Hey, Rob, how're you doing, bud?Good to see you.
833 00:37:05 ROB: You, too, man.
834 00:37:07 Gloria, ma'am.
835 00:37:08 - BOY: My balloon!- Whoa!
836 00:37:10 Hey, this must be yours, buddy.
837 00:37:13 Thanks, mister.
838 00:37:14 Oh, look at that.You gonna eat that whole thing?
839 00:37:16 You know what? You should considersome alternative snacks.
840 00:37:18 Keeping fitness fun, buddy.(CLICKS TONGUE)
841 00:37:23 (INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA)
842 00:37:28 Oh. Excuse me, ma'am.
843 00:37:30 You dropped your...
844 00:37:33 Men's athletic crossover-style boot,
845 00:37:35 size nine and a half.
846 00:37:37 Suggests a manthat is neither fashionable
847 00:37:40 nor athletic.
848 00:37:41 Hoagie.
849 00:37:48 -(CRACKS NECK)-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
850 00:37:50 (YELLING)
851 00:37:52 JERRY". Little does Hoagie know
852 00:37:54 I've been teaching a women'sself-defense boot camp for six years.
853 00:37:57 First defense 101.
854 00:37:59 Class is in session.
855 00:38:01 (HOAGIE GROANS)
856 00:38:10 Holy shit!
857 00:38:17 (HOAGIE GROANS)
858 00:38:29 (YELPS)
859 00:38:32 (GROANS)
860 00:38:34 (MUSIC STOPS)
861 00:38:38 Hmm.
862 00:38:40 (MUSIC RESUMES)
863 00:38:42 (HOAGIE YELLING)
864 00:38:46 (GROANS)
865 00:38:52 - You're done, Hoagie.- Never!
866 00:38:53 You're done.
867 00:38:54 Never!
868 00:38:55 (GRUNTING)
869 00:38:58 - All right, I'm done.-(CHUCKLES)
870 00:39:00 Dude, you look amazing, by the way.You've really upped your game!
871 00:39:03 How'd you know I was gonna be here?
872 00:39:04 Aha! Surprised you, right?
873 00:39:07 I saw the pick-up ticket for your tailor
874 00:39:08 when we broke into your housethe other night.
875 00:39:13 Impressive.
876 00:39:14 I'm taking you down, Jerry.
877 00:39:15 Well, we both knowthat's never gonna happen.
878 00:39:17 Excuse me. Excuse me.Coming through. Excuse me.
879 00:39:19 Oh, boy. Cavalry's coming in.
880 00:39:22 Hey, Jerry.
881 00:39:23 This old lady bothering you?
882 00:39:25 I'm good, Marvin. Thanks, man.Everything's all right.
883 00:39:27 It's just a friend of mine.
884 00:39:29 Hey, it's good to see you.Looking good, brother.
885 00:39:30 - My man.- JERRY: Yeah, staying in shape.
886 00:39:34 - What the fuck?-(LAUGHING)
887 00:39:36 All right, well, maybeI'll call the police. All right?
888 00:39:38 This is assault.You willing to go to jail for this?
889 00:39:40 Oh, you're goddamn right, I am.
890 00:39:43 Okay, then maybe I will causea big scene and get arrested also.
891 00:39:48 Then, once we both get to jail,I'll just...
892 00:39:51 What? Bribe a guard?
893 00:39:52 Be put in my cell? Yeah, I figuredyou'd say that. It's pretty obvious.
894 00:39:55 Hoag, you have to realizethat's gonna take hours,
895 00:39:57 during which time
896 00:39:58 I'll have fashioneda shiv from my toothbrush
897 00:40:00 and used it to murder my cellmate.
898 00:40:02 You'd just shiv your cellmate?
899 00:40:03 Don't worry. He's a bad personwho's done terrible things,
900 00:40:06 so justice is served.
901 00:40:07 Okay.
902 00:40:08 It gets me thrown in solitaryconfinement, which is what I want.
903 00:40:10 Out of reach. Completely untaggable.
904 00:40:13 Damn, you have thought this through.
905 00:40:15 (LAUGHING)
906 00:40:16 Pretty good, right?
907 00:40:18 Look, understand two things, Hoagie.
908 00:40:21 First, you're not gonna screw upthis wedding. Okay?
909 00:40:23 And secondly,I will never let you tag me.
910 00:40:26 You're gonna die before that everhappens. You understand that, right?
911 00:40:28 I don't fear death, Jerry.And I'm not gonna give this up
912 00:40:32 till I die.
913 00:40:34 Okay. Good luck.
914 00:40:45 See you at the rehearsal, Jerry.
915 00:40:50 (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
916 00:40:53 Mmm! These hushpuppies are insane.
917 00:40:56 All right, listen.
918 00:40:57 T-minus 34 minutes until this rehearsaldinner is over, and Jerry's fair game.
919 00:41:02 There's four of us. There's four exits.Let's fan out and trap this rat.
920 00:41:04 Okay? Synchronize your watches.
921 00:41:06 - I don't know how to do that.- I don't wear a watch.
922 00:41:08 Time is a construct.
923 00:41:11 Okay, uh, 5:00.
924 00:41:13 Could have said that at the beginning.
925 00:41:15 Well, we said it now.
926 00:41:16 -5:00, how hard is that?-5:00, yeah, it's easy.
927 00:41:19 - Hi, guys. How are you?- How are you?
928 00:41:21 Sorry about the other night.That wasn't...
929 00:41:22 - SUSAN: Oh!- Yeah, that wasn't cool.
930 00:41:24 No. I mean, listen,I know it's not just you guys.
931 00:41:26 I mean, Jerry's worse than all of you.
932 00:41:28 He's very competitive.
933 00:41:30 When we were kids, we had a contest
934 00:41:31 to see who could hold their breathfor the longest underwater.
935 00:41:34 He almost died.
936 00:41:36 He won, but at what cost? Really?
937 00:41:39 Oh, I hope he's this competitivewhen it comes to being a father.
938 00:41:44 Are you pregnant?
939 00:41:46 - Really?- Yeah, that's why the Shirley Temple.
940 00:41:48 - Oh, my gosh!- SUSAN: I know.
941 00:41:49 - Here, cheers!- Congratulations, that's great!
942 00:41:51 - Cheers, thank you!- Oh, my gosh!
943 00:41:52 - That's such good news.- Thank you. Yeah.
944 00:41:54 - We're not telling that many people.- Okay.
945 00:41:56 Listen, I knowit's gonna get a little wacky
946 00:41:58 over the next couple of dayswith you guys.
947 00:41:59 - Sure the fuck is, yeah.- SUSAN: Okay.
948 00:42:01 (LAUGHING) Just don't go too far
949 00:42:04 and go out there and play golf.It's amazing. Do something fun.
950 00:42:07 - Okay? Okay. Bye, guys.- See you.
951 00:42:10 I like her.She has a beautiful personality.
952 00:42:12 Very effervescent. Good energy.Good vibes.
953 00:42:14 Ah, don't believe a wordshe fucking says.
954 00:42:16 She's a hired hand. She's an actress.
955 00:42:17 - What?- I mean, look at this son of a bitch.
956 00:42:19 - This is Colonel Sanders in the flesh.- That's, like, her uncle.
957 00:42:21 -It's the fucking Truman Show.- Will you stop?
958 00:42:23 The whole thing. Jerry set it up.I guarantee it.
959 00:42:26 Every single person here has been hired.
960 00:42:28 You have gotta calm down.
961 00:42:29 Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm his wife.
962 00:42:33 Jerry, is that Cheryl Deakins?
963 00:42:41 Oh, yeah. Good. Hey!
964 00:42:43 - You invited her?- Yeah, of course.
965 00:42:45 What?
966 00:42:46 What? We're all old friends.
967 00:42:48 Makes sense.
968 00:42:49 I'm not buying this.
969 00:42:54 Is that, uh...
970 00:42:55 BOB: Cheryl Deakins.
971 00:42:57 CHILLI: You know she was coming, Bob?
972 00:42:58 - I did not.- I didn't either.
973 00:43:00 She looks good.
974 00:43:01 - Great. She always does.- Yeah.
975 00:43:04 CHILLll WOW!
976 00:43:05 Uh, who is Cheryl Deakins?
977 00:43:07 Is she like the Yoko or something?
978 00:43:10 I don't get that reference,
979 00:43:12 but she's someone whose presencecauses strain on our group.
980 00:43:15 We've known her since grade school.
981 00:43:19 She was the first girl that Chilliand Callahan had a crush on.
982 00:43:23 When we were kids,Cheryl was into Chilli,
983 00:43:26 much to Callahan's chagrin.
984 00:43:28 But young love is unpredictable.
985 00:43:31 Later that same year, she decidedshe was into Callahan,
986 00:43:34 much to Chilli's chagrin.
987 00:43:37 But she always hada place in her heart for Chilli.
988 00:43:49 And this went on for decades.
989 00:43:50 And all of a sudden,she just married an orthodontist.
990 00:43:53 Huh.
991 00:43:55 They get all the chicks.
992 00:43:56 What?
993 00:43:57 How long has it beensince you've seen her?
994 00:43:59 About 10 years for me. How about you?
995 00:44:01 Same, I guess.
996 00:44:04 - Been a while.- CHILLI: Sure has.
997 00:44:05 You sneaky trickster.
998 00:44:07 She looks amazing, and you know it.Think about this.
999 00:44:10 What if Cheryl ended up getting backtogether with our boy?
1000 00:44:14 - Chilli?- Callahan?
1001 00:44:15 Obviously.
1002 00:44:17 - Wait. What?- Duh.
1003 00:44:18 - Did you say Chilli?- You're Team Callahan?
1004 00:44:20 - Yeah!- We've been married all this time,
1005 00:44:22 and you think she should end upwith Callahan?
1006 00:44:23 Of course. Wait, you think Chilli?
1007 00:44:26 Wait, do you know those guys at all?
1008 00:44:28 Who are you right now?
1009 00:44:30 - What?- You're freaking me out.
1010 00:44:31 I feel like I don't even know you.
1011 00:44:32 You're like this foreign person.
1012 00:44:36 Do you want me to be a foreign person?
1013 00:44:38 What?
1014 00:44:40 Here? Right now?
1015 00:44:42 Because, um...
1016 00:44:43 (IN FRENCH ACCENT) I just got loston the way to bibliotheque,
1017 00:44:45 and I don't knowwhere all my other French friends are.
1018 00:44:48 Chantelle is here?
1019 00:44:49 Chantelle is here with...
1020 00:44:50 HOAGIE: Oh, my God!
1021 00:44:55 (IN NORMAL ACCENT)Honey, it's almost 5:00.
1022 00:44:57 Keep your head in the game.
1023 00:44:59 You're so good.
1024 00:45:00 Come on, we'll go to the bathroomfor five minutes.
1025 00:45:02 All right.
1026 00:45:03 -It's crazy.- Huh.
1027 00:45:04 - Hey, you should go talk with her.- No, you should go.
1028 00:45:06 Neither of you should.
1029 00:45:08 - BOB: Thanks.- You're welcome. Neither one.
1030 00:45:10 Shut up, Sable.
1031 00:45:12 No, honestly, it should be you, Bob.
1032 00:45:13 No, I think she reallywants to talk to you
1033 00:45:15 'cause I think girls really like,you know,
1034 00:45:18 depressed guys that still have a namefor their bong.
1035 00:45:22 (INHALING)
1036 00:45:25 Get a good one.
1037 00:45:29 This is gonna go great.
1038 00:45:31 - Thank you.-(COUGHS)
1039 00:45:32 All right, good advice.
1040 00:45:36 Good luck.
1041 00:45:38 Tell her I said hi.
1042 00:45:44 CHILLI: Cheryl Deakins.
1043 00:45:46 Chilli Cilliano.
1044 00:45:48 How'd you know it was me?
1045 00:45:49 I'd know that faint smell of sativaand Old Spice anywhere.
1046 00:45:52 Yeah. I had to get a little stoned.
1047 00:45:54 I can't be sober at these things.They're awful.
1048 00:45:56 (CHERYL LAUGHS)
1049 00:45:57 That was the wrong choice, man.
1050 00:45:59 What?
1051 00:46:00 Neither of you should have gone,but if one of you should have went,
1052 00:46:04 then it should have been you.
1053 00:46:06 How many wines have you had?
1054 00:46:09 How many legs does an octopus have?
1055 00:46:12 Well, eight.
1056 00:46:14 (LAUGHS)
1057 00:46:16 I see that you've beenrejecting fashion trends
1058 00:46:20 and haircuts and maybe hygiene.I respect that.
1059 00:46:23 Well, I think respect is the key to thebeginning of rebuilding a friendship.
1060 00:46:27 - Is that a saying? Maybe?- Yeah, sure. Who said that?
1061 00:46:30 I don't know. I wanna hearabout this husband of yours.
1062 00:46:34 What's the story?Is he still charming, sensible, rich?
1063 00:46:38 No. Dead.
1064 00:46:40 Yeah, same with me.
1065 00:46:42 Dead to me. Divorced.
1066 00:46:45 No, I mean he's "dead" dead.He actually died.
1067 00:46:49 He's dead?
1068 00:46:51 For real?
1069 00:46:53 Oh...
1070 00:46:54 Yeah, he, um...
1071 00:46:56 He died in a car crash.We were separated already.
1072 00:46:59 Oh, you already separated.
1073 00:47:01 - Yeah.- And now he's dead. He's gone.
1074 00:47:03 - He's gone.- Officially.
1075 00:47:04 Act a little more upset about it.
1076 00:47:07 I know, but, anyway, how are you?How's your life?
1077 00:47:09 Great. I lost my business. Divorced.Playing tag competitively.
1078 00:47:14 Pretty much rock bottom.
1079 00:47:15 - Are you trying to make me horny?- Fuck yes, lam.
1080 00:47:17 -'Cause it's happening.- It is?
1081 00:47:19 - Oh, yeah.-(BOTH LAUGHING)
1082 00:47:21 (SIGHS)
1083 00:47:22 So have you tried the hushpuppies,or what?
1084 00:47:24 What do you think they're talking about?
1085 00:47:25 (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1086 00:47:27 I don't know, and I don't wantyou to worry about it.
1087 00:47:29 We've got 15 minutes.
1088 00:47:30 Oh, Chilli, I think about youall the time, Chilli.
1089 00:47:35 (HOAGIE SNORTS)
1090 00:47:36 JERRY: Oh, yeah? But what aboutCallahan? He's so handsome.
1091 00:47:39 He's very handsome,but he's a selfish lover
1092 00:47:41 with a small dick.
1093 00:47:43 Really?
1094 00:47:44 JERRY: Plus he sobs after he comes.
1095 00:47:45 - Okay.-(IMITATES SOBBING)
1096 00:47:47 Wow.
1097 00:47:48 It's okay, Callahan.It's nothing to be ashamed of.
1098 00:47:50 Okay, you know what?You guys are all 12-year-olds.
1099 00:47:52 -(LAUGHS)- Oh, 0mm.
1100 00:47:53 SABLE: Hey, Cheryl, I want to reconnect.
1101 00:47:56 Oh, yeah.
1102 00:48:00 - What's happening now?- Oh, Bob!
1103 00:48:01 Yeah, I'm just...Oh, I'm just feeling the vibes.
1104 00:48:05 JERRY: I mean, who wants to have sexwith a guy named Bob?
1105 00:48:08 "Oh, Bob." Just doesn't sound right."Oh, Bob."
1106 00:48:11 won, Bob."won, Bob."
1107 00:48:13 -"Bob. Bob, Bob."-"Oh, Robert."
1108 00:48:15 "Bob."
1109 00:48:16 I wasn't gonna text you, you know?
1110 00:48:18 I didn't wanna mess with youwhen you were married.
1111 00:48:19 No, I think that's nice. Respectful.
1112 00:48:21 If I knew he was dead,I would have texted right away.
1113 00:48:22 All right. Okay.
1114 00:48:23 - No! Please don't leave on that!- No, it's fine.
1115 00:48:26 We're good. We're good.I'm just gonna use the ladies' room.
1116 00:48:28 - I'll see you later.- Okay.
1117 00:48:29 -It's nice to see you.-It's great to see you.
1118 00:48:30 You too.
1119 00:48:36 Widowed.
1120 00:48:37 (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1121 00:48:54 Cheryl Deakins.
1122 00:48:56 What are you doing here?
1123 00:48:58 And where are the urinals?
1124 00:48:59 Probably in the men's room.
1125 00:49:02 - You haven't changed a bit.- Thank you.
1126 00:49:04 No, that was not a compliment.
1127 00:49:05 Well, I have matured.
1128 00:49:07 Have you? Really?
1129 00:49:09 Because this old move where youfollow me into the bathroom,
1130 00:49:12 it's exactly what you didatjunior prom.
1131 00:49:13 It was a good move then,and it's a good move now.
1132 00:49:16 - Marginally nicer bathroom.- Mmm.
1133 00:49:18 Do you wanna get a drink?
1134 00:49:19 Uh, actually, I thinkI'm gonna head home.
1135 00:49:21 Can I give you a ride?
1136 00:49:23 - Sure.- Great.
1137 00:49:24 Right after we have that drink.
1138 00:49:26 Oh, I see what you did there.
1139 00:49:31 Okay, guys. It's almost go time.ls everybody in position? Over.
1140 00:49:35 Sable is in position.
1141 00:49:37 (COUGHING)
1142 00:49:39 - HOAGIE: Chilli!- Yeah. Let's get him.
1143 00:49:41 HOAGIE: Callahan. Callahan,do you read me? Over.
1144 00:49:46 Callahan. Where are you, buddy?
1145 00:49:51 Callahan!
1146 00:49:53 We got an unguarded exit, okay?
1147 00:49:55 Hi.
1148 00:49:57 Callahan!
1149 00:49:59 -(BOTH LAUGHING)-(GLASSES CLINK)
1150 00:50:06 Go! Go! Go! Go!
1151 00:50:07 Go!
1152 00:50:08 Not today, motherfucker!
1153 00:50:12 Hey, thanks for coming. Appreciate it.
1154 00:50:15 (WOMAN GASPS)
1155 00:50:19 GO! Go!
1156 00:50:20 - Come and get it, bitches!-(ALL GRUNTING)
1157 00:50:24 - Get in! Get in!- We're close. We're close.
1158 00:50:26 Go!
1159 00:50:33 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
1160 00:50:39 (LAUGHS)
1161 00:50:42 - Hold on! Hold on!- SABLE: Go, go!
1162 00:50:45 Go faster! Go faster!
1163 00:50:47 HOAGIE: Giddy up!
1164 00:50:49 We're coming for you!
1165 00:50:52 CHILLI: Go, Hoagie, go!
1166 00:50:59 (ALL SCREAMING)
1167 00:51:00 Jesus!
1168 00:51:03 Incoming!
1169 00:51:06 CHILLI: Son of a bitch!HOAGIE: Come on!
1170 00:51:07 CHILLll Go! Go!
1171 00:51:10 God, lwish I had my gun here.
1172 00:51:12 There are so many good birds to shoot.
1173 00:51:14 (CLEARS THROAT)
1174 00:51:15 So this is a vacation for you?
1175 00:51:17 Yeah. I mean, some couples goon cruises. Some couples go camping.
1176 00:51:21 Some couples go to strip clubsand have gangbangs,
1177 00:51:25 and this is just what we do.This is what we love.
1178 00:51:27 This is our gangbang.
1179 00:51:29 You know, it seems to me likeyou'd be really good at the game.
1180 00:51:32 - Why don't you play?- Well,
1181 00:51:33 they came up with the ruleswhen they were nine. No girls allowed.
1182 00:51:36 And to be honest, I can get a little
1183 00:51:39 overly aggressiveand competitive sometimes.
1184 00:51:42 HOAGIE: Come on, Jerry.You're dead meat!
1185 00:51:44 CHILLII Yeah, kick his ass!
1186 00:51:46 Keep your eyes downfield!
1187 00:51:48 Cut across the fourth fairway!
1188 00:51:49 Don't fuck this up!
1189 00:51:52 Yeah. Well.
1190 00:51:54 Oh, I have to show youpictures of our kids.
1191 00:51:57 (HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
1192 00:51:59 Go, go, go!
1193 00:52:02 Get him, Hoagie. Get him!
1194 00:52:04 Hold on. Hold on.
1195 00:52:06 CHILLI: (YELPS) Hoagie, stop!
1196 00:52:09 - Hoagie, what are you doing?- I can't see!
1197 00:52:11 (SCREAMS)
1198 00:52:17 (GROANING)
1199 00:52:20 Ahh! (SHUDDERS) HOV!
1200 00:52:23 (GROANS)
1201 00:52:24 Everybody good?
1202 00:52:26 I'm fine. I'm fine.
1203 00:52:28 (HOAGIE LAUGHS)
1204 00:52:30 Well, that happened.
1205 00:52:31 -(SABLE GROANS)- Onward.
1206 00:52:34 Let's get him.
1207 00:52:35 Whoo! That was invigorating.
1208 00:52:41 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1209 00:52:47 HOAGIE: on. (LAUGHS)
1210 00:52:50 That is psychological warfareright there.
1211 00:52:54 CHILLI: That's impressive.
1212 00:52:55 HOAGIE: Yeah, that's a good move.
1213 00:52:56 Good one, Jen!
1214 00:53:00 (WHISTLES)
1215 00:53:01 There he is!
1216 00:53:04 Hello, boys.
1217 00:53:06 (GAsPs)
1218 00:53:08 - What?-(JERRY WHISTLES)
1219 00:53:10 HOAGIE: What the...
1220 00:53:11 CHILLI: How's he doing this?
1221 00:53:13 All right, Jerry, stop!
1222 00:53:14 SABLE: He's multiplying!It's happening!
1223 00:53:15 - What the fuck?- There's one!
1224 00:53:16 (ALL EXCLAIMING)
1225 00:53:18 -(JERRY WHISTLES)- One is there!
1226 00:53:19 HOAGIEI Hey!SABLE: What?
1227 00:53:21 You guys, there's so many.There's so many!
1228 00:53:23 What the...
1229 00:53:24 There he is! I'm coming for you, Jerry!
1230 00:53:26 Chilli, you're not even it!
1231 00:53:27 (PANTING)
1232 00:53:35 I'm on your ass!
1233 00:53:39 Come on!
1234 00:53:48 (WOOD CREAKING)
1235 00:53:49 Oh, shit!
1236 00:53:52 Shit!
1237 00:54:01 This is terrible. This is pure bullshit.
1238 00:54:04 We should not be here.
1239 00:54:05 This is getting way too extreme.
1240 00:54:07 I need you to buck up, Sable.
1241 00:54:09 - Yeah.- Come on, let's stay focused.
1242 00:54:11 Yeah, we bucked upout of the goddamn golf cart.
1243 00:54:18 (SNIFFS) You smell that?Do you smell it?
1244 00:54:20 It's Jerry. I smell him.
1245 00:54:21 It's leaves and grass.
1246 00:54:23 And centipedes.
1247 00:54:25 Just typical woods stuff.
1248 00:54:27 He's close.
1249 00:54:29 I can feel it.
1250 00:54:30 I can feel something.
1251 00:54:32 -(TWIG SNAPS){YELPS)
1252 00:54:33 Oh, shit!
1253 00:54:37 - Jesus! Oh, my God!- Oh, shit.
1254 00:54:39 - Oh my, God!- Wow, that's crazy.
1255 00:54:41 (LAUGHS)
1256 00:54:42 Our friend is a psychopath,and this is scary.
1257 00:54:46 He got me. I'm down.
1258 00:54:48 This is on you now. Come here.
1259 00:54:51 Let me tag you.
1260 00:54:53 - Come on!-(GRUNTS)
1261 00:54:55 All right.
1262 00:54:58 (WHISPERS) I can see him.
1263 00:54:59 He's at three o'clock. 50 yards out.
1264 00:55:03 - Three o'clock. Got it.- Three o'clock.
1265 00:55:06 Sable!
1266 00:55:10 That three o'clock.
1267 00:55:12 - You didn't say which time zone, man!- There's no time zones.
1268 00:55:14 Why didn't you just pointthe first time? Next time, just point.
1269 00:55:16 It's that way. Go!
1270 00:55:18 - Okay.'60, 901
1271 00:55:19 Go, Sable, go!
1272 00:55:44 (WHISPERS) I see you.
1273 00:55:48 Yeah, motherfucker.
1274 00:55:55 You're it!
1275 00:55:56 (SPEAKING SPANISH)
1276 00:55:58 (BOTH SCREAMING)
1277 00:56:05 (SCREAMING CONTINUES)
1278 00:56:08 Oh, I don't like that.
1279 00:56:09 (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
1280 00:56:12 (MUFFLED SCREAMING)
1281 00:56:15 (SHUSHING)
1282 00:56:17 Sleep.
1283 00:56:20 (JERRY LAUGHING)
1284 00:56:23 (PANTING) Sable?
1285 00:56:25 Sable?
1286 00:56:35 (SNORING)
1287 00:56:41 What happened?
1288 00:56:43 Well, you got chloroformed.
1289 00:56:44 Chloroformed? What?
1290 00:56:46 Bob took our car,and now we're in a Lyft.
1291 00:56:47 We're going to the Sandpiper.
1292 00:56:49 I don't wanna be it anymore.
1293 00:56:50 I don't wanna be it.Hoagie, it's on you, bud.
1294 00:56:53 Now, what the fuck?
1295 00:56:54 Wait. I'm confused.Whatjust happened in there?
1296 00:56:56 Well, Jerry woke up early,got some grounds crew
1297 00:56:59 to go out in the woods, build somesnares and a swinging log trap,
1298 00:57:02 and, uh, wear matching outfitsto act as decoys.
1299 00:57:05 Maniac.
1300 00:57:06 (CHUCKLES)
1301 00:57:09 Are you okay?
1302 00:57:10 Yes, yes. lam. lam... I'm good.
1303 00:57:13 I am amazed that you're able to stayso optimistic after all that.
1304 00:57:16 Well, some have saidI am the heart and soul of the game.
1305 00:57:19 No, you've said that.
1306 00:57:20 You're the only personI've heard say that.
1307 00:57:22 Well, technically "just me"fits the legal definition of "some,"
1308 00:57:26 so suck a dick.
1309 00:57:27 -(SCOFFS)-(LAUGHS)
1310 00:57:29 Well, it seems like the gamehas really kept you guys connected.
1311 00:57:32 - Exactly.- Well, except Jerry.
1312 00:57:34 What? Don't say that.
1313 00:57:35 How often do you see Jerryoutside of tag?
1314 00:57:37 Hmm... Well, not super frequently, but--
1315 00:57:40 I mean, would you consider thata close friendship?
1316 00:57:45 Well, that's kind of a dicky question.
1317 00:57:57 HOAGIE: Thank you.
1318 00:57:59 All I'm saying is,Callahan better fucking be here.
1319 00:58:07 (ALL EXCLAIM)
1320 00:58:10 What's up? What?
1321 00:58:11 Look who decided to show up.
1322 00:58:12 What? I had a business callwith Beijing.
1323 00:58:14 Couldn't be helped. I'm sorry.
1324 00:58:15 Business call with Beijing? It wouldhave been 8:00 a.m. Saturday out there.
1325 00:58:17 You doing business callsat 8:00 a.m. Saturday morning?
1326 00:58:20 Why do you know so muchabout Beijing time zones?
1327 00:58:21 2008 Olympics. Michael Phelps, baby.
1328 00:58:25 Fair enough.Okay, anyway, I have an idea.
1329 00:58:27 - Anybody want to hear it?- Yes.
1330 00:58:29 - What is it?- Jerry's gym.
1331 00:58:31 Someone there's gotta know where he is.
1332 00:58:33 - I like this. That's a good idea.- ANNA: Great!
1333 00:58:35 - Up top! Buckle up, gang!- Yes! Giddy up!
1334 00:58:37 - HOAGIE: You're it, by the way.- What's wrong?
1335 00:58:38 - My fucking knee.- What's wrong with your knee?
1336 00:58:40 I got hit by a log.
1337 00:58:41 You got hit by a log, what?
1338 00:58:43 We were chasing him. I got hitby a fucking log. it really hurts.
1339 00:58:45 I'm gonna go in. Fuck, I'm pissed offabout this, but go.
1340 00:58:47 You want me to call the pediatrician?
1341 00:58:49 I'm an adult.I don't need a pediatrician.
1342 00:58:50 You're not coming?
1343 00:58:51 I think I'm gonna slow you down.Why don't you guys go?
1344 00:58:53 After the gym, let's meet up.
1345 00:58:55 All right, fine.
1346 00:58:56 Trust me, I wanna go, but I just--
1347 00:58:57 Y'all need a sub? Huh? I'm in!
1348 00:59:00 BOB: We're super good, man. Thanks!
1349 00:59:01 -(G ROAN S)- We're good.
1350 00:59:03 Who's banned now, bitch?
1351 00:59:06 (GROANS) I'm okay.All right, guys. Take it easy!
1352 00:59:10 Phew.
1353 00:59:13 -(MUSIC PLAYING)-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1354 00:59:21 Oh, that knee healed up fast.
1355 00:59:23 Stay out of this, Lou.
1356 00:59:29 LOU: Oh, you saucy devil.
1357 00:59:32 (LAUGHS)
1358 00:59:42 Hey, there, welcome to Granite Fitness.Get hard, stay hard.
1359 00:59:46 Just so you guys know, we're goingto be closing in five short minutes,
1360 00:59:49 but is there anythingI can help you with?
1361 00:59:51 Yes, Dave, in fact, there is somethingyou could help us with.
1362 00:59:53 How would you like to earn $500?
1363 01:00:03 Okay, just so you guys know, I'm notsucking your guys' dicks, all right?
1364 01:00:06 And I'm not letting yousuck my dick either.
1365 01:00:08 No one is talking about anyonesucking anyone's anything.
1366 01:00:11 You sure about that?'Cause this guy's eyeing me hard.
1367 01:00:14 What?
1368 01:00:15 I'm just saying, man,you've got that vibe.
1369 01:00:17 - Yeah?- Stop it.
1370 01:00:18 Hey, Sable, seriously. Chill.
1371 01:00:20 - Just stop it.- Stop it.
1372 01:00:21 It's too sexual. You're undressing me,literally, right now with your eyes.
1373 01:00:25 Dave. 500 bucks, and all we wantis to know where Jerry is.
1374 01:00:31 Oh!
1375 01:00:33 Jerry. Yes, okay, shit.
1376 01:00:36 He did mention that some peoplewere gonna swing by looking for him.
1377 01:00:40 He left a message. Um, oh, yeah.
1378 01:00:42 Go fuck yourselves.
1379 01:00:44 Okay, look. $1,000.All right? Easy money.
1380 01:00:47 Jerry won't even knowthat you sold him out.
1381 01:00:48 I got a better idea.Why don't you go back
1382 01:00:50 to the little Best Westernthat you're staying in
1383 01:00:52 and jerk each other off in the nude?
1384 01:00:55 Why do you keep taking this conversationinto a sexual direction?
1385 01:00:57 Listen, Dave. $1,500. Don't be an idiot.
1386 01:01:00 Not a chance,you dick-sucking homophobes.
1387 01:01:02 - Hey!- What?
1388 01:01:04 Dave?
1389 01:01:06 Do you know what we're gonna do?
1390 01:01:07 What?
1391 01:01:12 We're gonna waterboard you.
1392 01:01:26 BOB: Don't be a hero, Dave.
1393 01:01:27 Jerry doesn't give a shit about you.
1394 01:01:31 So tell us where he is.
1395 01:01:32 I'm never gonna tell you.
1396 01:01:34 Last chance, Dave.
1397 01:01:37 You're not gonna go through with thisfor some game, so quit jerking me off!
1398 01:01:43 Oh, Jesus.
1399 01:01:44 No one's jerking you off, kid,
1400 01:01:45 'cause Jerry has pushed usto the fucking edge.
1401 01:01:47 If you don't tell uswhat we need to know,
1402 01:01:49 you're going over the edge with us.
1403 01:01:51 You ready to die for this shit?
1404 01:01:53 I'd rather die than get sucked offby you homophobes.
1405 01:01:55 We're not gonna suck you off.We're gonna waterboard you.
1406 01:01:58 I'm just takinga principled stand right now.
1407 01:02:00 Okay. Well, guess what.Now, this is gonna happen. All right?
1408 01:02:02 Are you ready?I hope you can hold your breath, son!
1409 01:02:04 DO it!
1410 01:02:05 - BOB: 'Cause this is going right down!-(YELLING)
1411 01:02:07 - Yeah!- Yeah! You son of a bitch!
1412 01:02:09 BOB: Here it comes!
1413 01:02:11 ANNA: It's coming!It's coming! It's coming!
1414 01:02:12 Yeah. You know, we should not.
1415 01:02:14 I feel like it would be way too much.I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1416 01:02:16 Phew. That got out of hand.
1417 01:02:17 My heart is beatingreally fast right now.
1418 01:02:19 We were just kidding.We were just bluffing.
1419 01:02:21 ANNA: No, we weren't fucking bluffing!BOB: Anna, Anna, Anna!
1420 01:02:24 - Oh, my God, no. Just, no.- Sweetheart.
1421 01:02:26 It's a war crime, right?It's not really who we are.
1422 01:02:29 Yes, sorry.
1423 01:02:31 We got a kinky cat over here.
1424 01:02:33 - Okay.- Fuck you, Dave.
1425 01:02:34 God, I love your passion.
1426 01:02:36 I'll tell you what.
1427 01:02:40 I will tell you where Jerry's gonna be
1428 01:02:44 for $2,000. Cash. American.
1429 01:02:48 - Okay, fine.- No problem.
1430 01:02:49 Why didn't you say thatin the first place?
1431 01:02:50 Why did you take usdown this whole road?
1432 01:02:52 Well, it looked likethere was room to negotiate,
1433 01:02:54 and I was all prepared to do that.
1434 01:02:55 But then we went downthe whole torture track,
1435 01:02:57 and I just dugmy heels in, philosophically.
1436 01:03:01 I happen to be an objector.
1437 01:03:02 - We are too, obviously.- Not really.
1438 01:03:05 It was a bluff.
1439 01:03:06 You know what?You should probably not write this down,
1440 01:03:08 and if it does come up,
1441 01:03:09 just mention thatwe didn't actually waterboard him.
1442 01:03:12 No waterboarding.
1443 01:03:13 Just a lot of talk aboutsucking each other's dicks.
1444 01:03:16 Yeah.
1445 01:03:18 Okay, look, you know what? Here.
1446 01:03:20 I'm gonna give you $2,000,and I'm gonna give you an extra $500.
1447 01:03:26 You just carry around that kind of cashall day?
1448 01:03:28 You were mentioning somethingabout Jerry, I think.
1449 01:03:30 Yeah, uh, Jerry is in AA.
1450 01:03:34 - Wait, what?- Yeah. Alcoholics Anonymous.
1451 01:03:36 I know what it stands for. Wait, did youguys know anything about this?
1452 01:03:39 He goes there every morningat a church on Brunswick.
1453 01:03:42 Looking back, I can kind of see it.
1454 01:03:44 I mean, the first step is recognizingyou have a problem.
1455 01:03:47 I'm just gladhe's getting the help he needs.
1456 01:03:50 Sorry, did you saythat church is on Brunswick?
1457 01:03:52 - Yes.- HOAGIE: Okay!
1458 01:03:53 - Let's go! Clean up the water!- Thank you!
1459 01:03:54 So sorry.
1460 01:03:56 (BOTH LAUGHING)
1461 01:03:57 I told you this wasn't gonna be justanother boring corporate profile, right?
1462 01:04:00 Right. This is definitely different.
1463 01:04:01 And I know I'm no longerthe center of the story,
1464 01:04:04 which is fine with me.I don't mind giving up the...
1465 01:04:06 (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1466 01:04:09 Bob, can I buy you a drink?
1467 01:04:11 Can you fucking believe this?Hold on one second.
1468 01:04:13 - Maybe...- One second, one second.
1469 01:04:15 Terrible experience.So that we will never do it...
1470 01:04:17 Hi! Hi! Wow! L00k at this.
1471 01:04:21 - How you doing?- Good.
1472 01:04:22 Pretty good.Yeah, we're just catching up.
1473 01:04:23 That's so nice. How's that knee?
1474 01:04:25 - It actually does hurt.- Yeah.
1475 01:04:27 But resting and talking to an old friendhas actually really helped.
1476 01:04:29 Thank you for asking.
1477 01:04:31 Hey, how was the business callwith Beijing?
1478 01:04:33 - Super good.- It was?
1479 01:04:34 - Yeah, I got a lot done.- Great.
1480 01:04:36 Oh, what, you think I fakedmy business call to Beijing
1481 01:04:38 like you faked hurting your knee?
1482 01:04:39 You know what, dude?I'm sick of this shit, Bob.
1483 01:04:42 - You're it. How about that?- No! Pass.
1484 01:04:44 - You can't pass. And you can't tag back.- You're it. I pass.
1485 01:04:46 - Oh, my God.-It's like literally the first rule.
1486 01:04:47 - You're it! You're it! You're it!- You cannot tag me back!
1487 01:04:49 - I'll rewrite the fucking rule book!- Shut up!
1488 01:04:51 Why're you acting like children?
1489 01:04:53 -'Cause he started it.- You started it.
1490 01:04:54 You literally started it.
1491 01:04:55 - No, you started it!-"Oh, my knee hurts."
1492 01:04:56 What do you think they're talking about?
1493 01:04:57 Are we off the record?
1494 01:04:59 REBECCA: Yeah, sure, sure.
1495 01:05:01 No idea.
1496 01:05:02 CHERYL: You know what?I shouldn't have come.
1497 01:05:04 Jerry always gets in your head.
1498 01:05:06 Did Jerry tell you to say that?
1499 01:05:08 You part of the wholeTruman Show of it all?
1500 01:05:09 I mean, Jerry invited meto the rehearsal dinner
1501 01:05:11 because he thought it would distractyou guys, which it did.
1502 01:05:14 But, um, I wanted to see you. So I came.
1503 01:05:18 Sure.
1504 01:05:19 CHERYL: on, my God.
1505 01:05:20 You guys are fucking idiots.Both of you. But I love you both.
1506 01:05:24 I'm gonna go. Maybe I'll see you later.Or not.
1507 01:05:26 - Cheryl...- Go get Jerry. He fucking deserves it.
1508 01:05:30 Bye, Cheryl.
1509 01:05:32 Wow!
1510 01:05:34 What do you want?
1511 01:05:35 There's gonna be plenty of timeto get rejected by Cheryl
1512 01:05:38 after 12:00 a.m. on June 1st.
1513 01:05:41 So what I need you guys to focus on,is the fact that we're a team.
1514 01:05:47 Right? We love each other,and we love this.
1515 01:05:50 Let's bask in that.Stay focused on our mission. All right?
1516 01:05:54 Let's get back on this horse and ride.
1517 01:05:56 Let's get this asshole.
1518 01:05:58 Lou, not part of it. Not at all.
1519 01:06:00 Now, shake.
1520 01:06:02 Shake!
1521 01:06:06 All right. Now we got some work to do.
1522 01:06:21 Got it.
1523 01:06:22 Go get him, sweetie.
1524 01:06:25 (BAG UNZIPPING)
1525 01:06:39 Okay.
1526 01:06:43 Hey, do you think we should talkto Jerry about being an alcoholic
1527 01:06:45 -before we get into all this?- No.
1528 01:06:49 (SIGHS)
1529 01:06:50 But now, I've been clean and soberfor almost four years.
1530 01:06:55 Thanks to all of youand that higher power. Amen?
1531 01:06:59 - ALL: Amen.- Amen.
1532 01:07:03 Jerry, you about ready to share?
1533 01:07:06 Come on, y'all,let's give it up for Jerry.
1534 01:07:08 (ALL APPLAUDING)
1535 01:07:15 - My name is Jerry.- ALL: Hi, Jerry.
1536 01:07:21 JERRY: The slight scent of weed. Chilli.He thinks he's caught me off guard.
1537 01:07:27 CHILLI: Oh, my God!I've caught him off guard.
1538 01:07:32 JERRY". He rushes in from behind.
1539 01:07:35 Idiot. I give him a wake-up call.
1540 01:07:42 (SCREAMING)
1541 01:07:43 CHILLI: Hazelnut coffee?What kind of bitch drinks hazelnut?
1542 01:07:49 Holy! Chilli! Hit me!
1543 01:07:53 Get him!
1544 01:07:54 HOAGIE: I'm going to trap himand tag him in the face,
1545 01:07:57 and yet, in my heart of hearts,pretty sure it's not gonna work.
1546 01:08:04 JERRY: Hoagie's attempts to face me failbecause he lacks confidence.
1547 01:08:08 Also, I think it's fair to say,
1548 01:08:10 I'm fucking surgicalwith these complimentary donuts.
1549 01:08:18 REBECCA: And this is whyprint journalism is dying.
1550 01:08:22 (HOAGIE GROANS)
1551 01:08:25 BOB: Yes! This is the momentI've been waiting for.
1552 01:08:28 I'm going to be the one who tags Jerry.
1553 01:08:34 JERRY: Callahan will become distractedby his own arrogant thoughts,
1554 01:08:38 which I will exploit.
1555 01:08:40 BOB". This will be my victory,
1556 01:08:41 which makes sensebecause success breeds success...
1557 01:08:45 Oh, God.
1558 01:08:51 -(CLATTERS)-(BOB GROANS)
1559 01:08:57 SABLE: How come "bi-weekly" means bothtwice a week and every other week?
1560 01:09:02 That's mad confusingand it's just linguistically lazy.
1561 01:09:12 Oh, shit!
1562 01:09:25 - Holy shit!- Excessive.
1563 01:09:35 Feeling trapped, Jerry?
1564 01:09:38 No.
1565 01:09:39 Nice.
1566 01:09:41 (CHAIR CLATTERS)
1567 01:09:44 HOAGIEZ Holy shit!
1568 01:09:47 No,no,no!
1569 01:09:49 - No, no, no!-(ALL GRUNT)
1570 01:09:52 We got you, Jerry! You're trapped!
1571 01:09:54 Five hours till your wedding!We can wait it out if you can!
1572 01:09:58 (WHISTLING)
1573 01:10:13 Shit. You know what I just realized?
1574 01:10:16 There's a lot of sacramental wineand wafers in there.
1575 01:10:18 He could survive for quite a while.
1576 01:10:19 No, he can't drink.
1577 01:10:21 - Yeah, but it's not real wine.- Yes, it is.
1578 01:10:23 It's just grape juice. It's not wine.
1579 01:10:25 I mean, I was once so fucked upthat I took a shit in my niece's crib.
1580 01:10:29 - Oh.- Twice, if you ask my sister-in-law.
1581 01:10:32 So how long you been sober?
1582 01:10:33 Oh, no, I'm not sober.I'm high right now.
1583 01:10:35 I'm just here to tag my friend.
1584 01:10:37 Good luck with the sobriety, man.That's cool. Definitely.
1585 01:10:41 It's awful quiet in there.
1586 01:10:44 You know what he's doing?It's a classic ruse.
1587 01:10:46 Make them think there's an exitand he already escaped. Not buying it.
1588 01:10:49 I buy it. I bet he has a secret doorback there.
1589 01:10:51 Refrigerator turns into an elevator.
1590 01:10:53 What?
1591 01:10:54 Takes the elevator down to the basement.That's his lair.
1592 01:10:56 - Different outfits, computer screens.- What are you talking about?
1593 01:10:58 I'm just here to tag my friend.
1594 01:11:03 Told you. In there.
1595 01:11:05 What's it say?
1596 01:11:07 -"Eat my dick."-"Eat my dick." "Balls." "Ass"?
1597 01:11:11 "Butt."
1598 01:11:12 "Ice cream."
1599 01:11:13 - What?- What?
1600 01:11:14 Yeah, he's taunting me.He knows I'm lactose intolerant.
1601 01:11:16 (DOOR OPENS)
1602 01:11:18 What is going on? Where is he?
1603 01:11:21 Where is he?
1604 01:11:25 (GAsPs)
1605 01:11:26 (BREATHING HEAVILY)
1606 01:11:29 Jerry?
1607 01:11:30 We're supposed to be gettingour wedding photos done in an hour.
1608 01:11:34 What are you doing?
1609 01:11:35 - Come on out, Jerry.- Jerry, you can come out.
1610 01:11:37 We're not gonna get you, Jerry.
1611 01:11:38 JERRY: Babe, look, calm down.Look, I'm sorry.
1612 01:11:40 SUSAN: Shut up, Jerry.I can't fucking take this, Jerry.
1613 01:11:42 She can't take it. Come on out.
1614 01:11:44 Honey, why are you playing this gameright now?
1615 01:11:46 Why are you playing this gamewith your friends right now?
1616 01:11:48 Why is he playing this game right now?
1617 01:11:50 JERRY: Hey, babe, look.You gotta calm down, okay?
1618 01:11:52 What are you doing?
1619 01:11:54 Because you have decidedto ruin everything.
1620 01:11:58 And so have you.
1621 01:12:00 With your stupid face,and your stupid beard,
1622 01:12:03 and your stupid glasses,
1623 01:12:05 and that stupid jumpsuit.
1624 01:12:07 (SHOUTS) There's only so mucha girl can take,
1625 01:12:10 and then you want meon top of that, just to... (GROANING)
1626 01:12:15 Oh, my God. Are you okay?
1627 01:12:17 - JERRY: Babe? Suz? Sue?- Jerry. Oh, my God.
1628 01:12:21 - Boo? Boo-boo?- Sue?
1629 01:12:22 Boo-boo? Boo-boo?
1630 01:12:24 What happened? Wait, wait, wait.What happened?
1631 01:12:26 Susan, are you okay?
1632 01:12:27 - Sit down, sit down, sit down.-It's the baby. It's the baby.
1633 01:12:29 It's finally happening. He's right here.Who's it? Bob, tag him.
1634 01:12:31 - Are you kidding me?- What?
1635 01:12:32 There's something wrong with her baby.
1636 01:12:34 There's nothing wrong with that baby.It's a fake.
1637 01:12:36 If you won't do it, then tag me.I'm gonna do it.
1638 01:12:37 Oh, yeah. Fine.You want me to tag you, then?
1639 01:12:39 Oops, I missed.
1640 01:12:41 As usual, you're completely wrong.
1641 01:12:42 This? You think I'm wrong?This is so over the top!
1642 01:12:44 This is obvious.
1643 01:12:45 (SUSAN GROANING)
1644 01:12:47 Tag me, and I'll give him a hug.
1645 01:12:49 And I'll say,"if she's having a miscarriage,
1646 01:12:50 "this is awful, and you're it."
1647 01:12:52 Are you kidding me right now?
1648 01:12:54 You know what? This feels like a scenefrom What Would You Do?
1649 01:12:56 You get put in a precarious situation,
1650 01:12:59 and you have to make the right decision.
1651 01:13:01 It's all actors and cameras.
1652 01:13:02 It's not great television,but it hooks me in.
1653 01:13:06 CHILLll What?
1654 01:13:07 - JERRY: Come on.-(SUSAN GROANS)
1655 01:13:08 All right, we're good.We're gonna get to the hospital.
1656 01:13:11 "This is awful, and you're it."
1657 01:13:15 You come near her or my baby,
1658 01:13:17 I'll crush your windpipe, Bob.
1659 01:13:20 This ain't no fucking game.
1660 01:13:26 Uh...
1661 01:13:27 I'm pretty sure it's real, guys.
1662 01:13:29 I will be so pissedif she didn't have a miscarriage.
1663 01:13:32 Chilli!
1664 01:13:34 We all would be.
1665 01:13:35 -It's just a thing you don't...- Say.
1666 01:13:37 It's implied.
1667 01:13:39 (CRASH TEST DUMMIES SINGING"MMM MMM MMM MMM")
1668 01:13:58 Hey, Linda. Namaste.
1669 01:14:01 (DOOR CLOSES)
1670 01:14:03 Shouldn't you boys be getting cleaned upfor the wedding?
1671 01:14:05 Not you, Chilli.You're perfect. (CHUCKLES)
1672 01:14:07 Thanks, Linda.
1673 01:14:09 I don't thinkanybody's gonna be freshening up.
1674 01:14:14 Hoagie, you can't go looking like that.
1675 01:14:19 "To everyone asking,the wedding has been postponed.
1676 01:14:23 "Thank you for your thoughtsand prayers."
1677 01:14:25 It's from Jerry's mom.
1678 01:14:27 - Well, maybe we're bad people.- Maybe?
1679 01:14:30 Yes, I think we definitely are.
1680 01:14:32 We might be.
1681 01:14:33 Tag used to be a thingthat made me really happy.
1682 01:14:36 But now, it's destroying me. I feel sad.
1683 01:14:40 Shut the fuck up, Sable.
1684 01:14:41 Has anyone seenthe bridesmaids' lnstagram stories?
1685 01:14:45 - Check it out.-(SIGHS)
1686 01:14:48 SABLE: "Wedding's canceled."Sad face emoji.
1687 01:14:51 "I can't wear the dress.Such a pretty dress.
1688 01:14:54 "So sad." Goodbye emoji. ¨Was it a..."
1689 01:14:56 Really? ls there any chancethat all these women could post banal,
1690 01:15:00 minute-by-minute moments from their day,
1691 01:15:02 with mind-numbing captionsat the same time?
1692 01:15:04 - Totally.- Absolutely. That's all lnstagram is.
1693 01:15:06 - Yeah.- I don't know about this, guys.
1694 01:15:09 It doesn't feel right. I smell a rat.
1695 01:15:11 That's what I've been saying.
1696 01:15:12 I have been actually saying thisthe whole time.
1697 01:15:14 Hey, sweetheart, can we just move on?It's over.
1698 01:15:17 But it's not. Now, come on, guys.
1699 01:15:19 I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
1700 01:15:21 - Bob.- What'd I do?
1701 01:15:23 Can I take a photograph of you?
1702 01:15:24 No. Okay.
1703 01:15:25 -(CAMERA CLICKS)- Cute.
1704 01:15:27 I'm gonna set upan lnstagram account for you.
1705 01:15:28 Please don't.
1706 01:15:29 Rachel Ditmus is the only bridesmaidwith a private lnstagram account.
1707 01:15:32 She's been wanting you to finger bangher since the sixth grade.
1708 01:15:35 If anybody's stupid enoughto fall for our request,
1709 01:15:38 -it will be that dum-dum.-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
1710 01:15:40 And sent.All we've got to do now is wait.
1711 01:15:44 -(CELL PHONE CHIMES)- And accepted!
1712 01:15:46 - Really?- That was weirdly fast.
1713 01:15:48 Do not finger bang her.
1714 01:15:49 Oh, my God. I was right.
1715 01:15:52 - What? What are we looking at here?- What the hell is this?
1716 01:15:54 A wedding dress.
1717 01:15:55 What the fuck?
1718 01:15:57 They faked the fucking miscarriage!
1719 01:15:59 No, no, no. Jerry's going down.We're gonna destroy that wedding.
1720 01:16:01 - CHILLI: Let's go!- This is bullshit. That is so fucked up.
1721 01:16:03 - Absolutely.-(HOAGIE YELLING)
1722 01:16:07 Hoagie?
1723 01:16:11 Hoagie, what are you doing?
1724 01:16:12 HOAGIE: Damn it!
1725 01:16:14 - Sweetie.- Hoagie?
1726 01:16:16 Be careful.
1727 01:16:18 Should we stop him, or...
1728 01:16:20 I'm not getting near him.He's swinging that bat around.
1729 01:16:24 (HOAGIE YELLS)
1730 01:16:25 - Sweetie, that's your mom's.- Yeah, you're gonna hurt yourself.
1731 01:16:29 (PANTING)
1732 01:16:31 (YELLING)
1733 01:16:35 We lost! He beat us! The game is over!
1734 01:16:41 (PANTING)
1735 01:16:42 We can't tag Jerry.
1736 01:16:44 (STAMMERS)
1737 01:16:45 It's just time for us to come to termswith that. He's untouchable. That's it.
1738 01:16:49 What do you wanna do?You wanna just give up?
1739 01:16:51 Yeah, Bob. I wanna give up.It's time to give up.
1740 01:16:54 Come on, Hogan. You're not a quitter.
1741 01:16:55 What's the alternative?
1742 01:16:57 We go to the wedding.We try to tag him. We fail.
1743 01:17:00 And we fuck up the wedding?
1744 01:17:02 That's not a cool move.That's a dick move.
1745 01:17:04 That's not what friends do.That's what assholes do.
1746 01:17:05 Hoagie! He faked a fucking miscarriage.
1747 01:17:08 This is a miscarriage ofjustice.
1748 01:17:11 This is where we get him.
1749 01:17:13 He deserves to pay for that.
1750 01:17:15 Even if we wanted to do that,we all signed an amendment.
1751 01:17:17 Amendments are null and voidif you fake a miscarriage.
1752 01:17:21 That's just basic contract law.
1753 01:17:23 - That's law. Basic contract law.- Law.
1754 01:17:24 Like he said.
1755 01:17:25 - I literally said exactly that.- I know. We're saying it together.
1756 01:17:28 But I was also right earlierbecause I said the miscarriage was fake.
1757 01:17:31 The amendment stands,and maybe that's a good thing.
1758 01:17:36 Maybe it's time to grow up a little.
1759 01:17:39 - Uh...- I'm going to the wedding.
1760 01:17:42 And you guys can do what you want.I hope you come too.
1761 01:17:47 Chilli, just put on a tie.
1762 01:17:52 Sweetie.
1763 01:17:57 Do you even have a tie?
1764 01:17:58 Yes, I have a tie.
1765 01:17:59 - Do you need to borrow a tie?- Yes, I need to borrow a tie.
1766 01:18:01 Okay.
1767 01:18:08 (RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
1768 01:18:29 (ALL CHEERING)
1769 01:18:44 Hi! I'm so glad you made it!
1770 01:18:47 Is that champagne?
1771 01:18:49 I know. Ugh.
1772 01:18:51 I'm the girl who cried miscarriage.
1773 01:18:53 But I had to get him out of that roomand distract you for a couple of hours
1774 01:18:57 so that the amendment could kick in.
1775 01:18:58 Wait. Are you even pregnant?
1776 01:19:00 No, I was never pregnant.
1777 01:19:01 You were never pregnant?
1778 01:19:03 ALL: Whoa.
1779 01:19:04 Just listen. Jerry knew
1780 01:19:06 that you guys might get the drop on him
1781 01:19:07 so "Operation Miscarriage"was our fail-safe.
1782 01:19:10 - It was an operation?- It was actually my idea.
1783 01:19:13 - Brilliant. Brilliant!- Ah, thanks.
1784 01:19:14 That's diabolical.
1785 01:19:16 Everyone's just pissed because you won,and they're boys.
1786 01:19:19 They can't get pregnant,so they can't fake a miscarriage.
1787 01:19:22 (CHUCKLING) It's true.
1788 01:19:24 Look, I'm not saying I want youto have a miscarriage.
1789 01:19:26 Then don't.
1790 01:19:27 'Cause that would be terrible.But if you ever do have a miscarriage,
1791 01:19:31 I don't wanna say that you woulddeserve it 'cause that's too far,
1792 01:19:33 but what I will say and what I do feel
1793 01:19:36 -is that's what you get.-(BOB GROANS)
1794 01:19:38 Okay. It's fine.We can all have different feelings.
1795 01:19:42 But it's our wedding day, you guys.Come on.
1796 01:19:44 And we came up with this great amendment
1797 01:19:47 so that we could all enjoy this daytogether and have fun and relax.
1798 01:19:52 Are we cool?
1799 01:19:53 - CHILLI: Yeah, I guess so.- Not yet. (CHUCKLES)
1800 01:19:56 Sorry. Not cool yet.It's just, you did murder a child.
1801 01:20:00 No.
1802 01:20:01 She didn't.No, it was a fake miscarriage.
1803 01:20:03 Yeah, not the imaginary childthat was inside of you,
1804 01:20:06 but the actual inner childthat lives inside of me
1805 01:20:10 got decapitated.
1806 01:20:11 Head flew up, did flips in the air,blood spurting everywhere.
1807 01:20:15 Hoagie, Jerry has a perfect record,
1808 01:20:19 and we're a team now.
1809 01:20:21 The winning team.
1810 01:20:22 And I just feel like, Hoagie,if you're gonna play
1811 01:20:25 a children's game as a grown man,
1812 01:20:29 maybe, next time,don't play like a child.
1813 01:20:33 Anyways, I am really excitedyou guys are here.
1814 01:20:37 Try the raw bar. It's off the hook.
1815 01:20:40 It's my wedding!I'm getting married! (LAUGHS)
1816 01:20:42 - Congratulations.- Come on! Grab it!
1817 01:20:49 I take back everything I saidabout her being effervescent.
1818 01:20:53 I met Jerry in AA.
1819 01:20:55 You see, people,I got a lot of problems.
1820 01:20:58 Anger issues. I left my wife.I have many kids.
1821 01:21:03 And this mangot me to turn to the cloth.
1822 01:21:07 It was a low point in my life.
1823 01:21:09 There was jail time involved.
1824 01:21:11 I briefly converted to Islam.
1825 01:21:13 I lost a long legal battlewith Jo-Ann Fabrics.
1826 01:21:18 During that time, I got to knowJerry and Susan as a couple.
1827 01:21:21 And that is a true blessing.
1828 01:21:23 What's the difference betweenEpiscopalian and Lutheran?
1829 01:21:25 Episcopalians don't eat fish.
1830 01:21:29 That's pescatarian.That's not a religion.
1831 01:21:33 They're all fanatics. I don't know.
1832 01:21:35 Remind me again, is it on the kissor after they walk back down the aisle?
1833 01:21:38 Seriously?You said you'd worked weddings before.
1834 01:21:41 The kiss, the doves, end of ceremony.The groom was very specific about this.
1835 01:21:45 PASTOR: ...and finds new waysof expressing love
1836 01:21:48 through the ups and downs of life.
1837 01:21:51 Susan, do you take Jerryto be your husband?
1838 01:21:55 Do you promise to love, honor,cherish and protect him,
1839 01:21:58 forsaking all others,holding only to him forever more?
1840 01:22:02 I do.
1841 01:22:04 Beautiful.
1842 01:22:05 (WHISPERS) There's gonna be a window.
1843 01:22:07 - What, sweetie?- The doves.
1844 01:22:09 What about the doves?
1845 01:22:11 There's an opening.
1846 01:22:13 Just relax, honey.
1847 01:22:15 You seem stressed.
1848 01:22:19 Jerry, do you take Susanto be your wife?
1849 01:22:22 Do you promise to love, honor, cherish,and protect her
1850 01:22:25 forsaking all others,holding only to her forever more?
1851 01:22:30 I do.
1852 01:22:31 I mean, this is actuallykind of beautiful.
1853 01:22:33 It really is, man.
1854 01:22:35 I now pronounce you husband and wife.
1855 01:22:39 You may kiss the bride.
1856 01:22:41 -(ALL CHEERING)- I love you.
1857 01:23:08 (ALL CHEERING)
1858 01:23:19 (GAsPs)
1859 01:23:20 (YELLING)
1860 01:23:22 -(SUSAN GASPS)-(HOAGIE YELLING)
1861 01:23:26 (ALL GASP)
1862 01:23:28 JERRY: Hoagie!CHILLI: Go, go, go!
1863 01:23:30 - ANNA: Oh, God! Guys, go!- Hoagie! You okay?
1864 01:23:32 Jesus.
1865 01:23:34 Hey, man.
1866 01:23:36 BOB: Buddy?
1867 01:23:37 - You scared away the swans.- Hoagie?
1868 01:23:40 - Hogan? Hogan.- JERRY: Hoagie!
1869 01:23:41 I can't believe that you guys did this.Right now.
1870 01:23:44 Well, I don't think you get to claimthe moral high ground over us, actually.
1871 01:23:47 Yeah, you're not better than us.
1872 01:23:48 You and your wife pretendedto have a goddamn miscarriage.
1873 01:23:50 Misunderstanding! Misunderstanding.
1874 01:23:52 - Misunderstanding.- In her vagina.
1875 01:23:55 Wow. Oh, boy.
1876 01:23:56 Guys, call a doctor!
1877 01:23:58 - Can you hear me?- BOB: Buddy?
1878 01:24:00 - Hey!- Somebody get a doctor!
1879 01:24:02 - BOB: Bud?- He's gone full loss of consciousness.
1880 01:24:04 That's impressive.
1881 01:24:06 Even betterthan your performance. Right?
1882 01:24:08 (LAUGHING) I know! It's so good!
1883 01:24:09 Excuse me, uh, everyone...
1884 01:24:12 Everything's fine.
1885 01:24:13 Uh, this is all just a game.
1886 01:24:16 (INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA)
1887 01:24:18 He's still unconscious, but he's stable.
1888 01:24:20 He really should never have beenthis active given his condition.
1889 01:24:23 - You can see him when he wakes up.- Thanks.
1890 01:24:27 I got this.
1891 01:24:28 Excuse me, Doctor. Hey, how are you?
1892 01:24:31 - Yeah.- Doctor, uh... Doctor Yoon, is it?
1893 01:24:34 - Yes.- How do you spell that?
1894 01:24:36 - You're looking right at it.- I know, but I'm just asking you.
1895 01:24:40 What exactly are you asking me?
1896 01:24:41 My friends and I do this thing.It's this really weird game.
1897 01:24:44 Is there any chance this is all fake,that you could just tell me.
1898 01:24:47 I won't tell the others.
1899 01:24:49 Is this fake?
1900 01:24:50 - This hospital?- The whole thing, yeah. Is it fake?
1901 01:24:53 That's the dumbest thingI've ever heard.
1902 01:24:54 (LAUGHS) He told you to say that, right?
1903 01:24:56 - Look, I gotta prep a surgery.- Will you just do me one quick favor?
1904 01:24:59 Could you recitethe Hippocratic Oath for me?
1905 01:25:01 That's not a thing doctors memorize.
1906 01:25:05 Still unsure.
1907 01:25:08 It's gonna be fine.It's just, it was a lot.
1908 01:25:09 I mean, how does that all happenat a wedding?
1909 01:25:12 Hey, boss.
1910 01:25:14 How did that go?
1911 01:25:15 I'm all turned around.
1912 01:25:16 About what?
1913 01:25:18 If he's an actor or if he's not.
1914 01:25:20 He's not. He's a doctor.We're in a hospital.
1915 01:25:24 You're drinking the Kool-Aid.
1916 01:25:31 (BOB SIGHS)
1917 01:25:33 All right. What do we do?
1918 01:25:36 Look, Chilli, what's wrong with you?Just go talk to the girl.
1919 01:25:39 Could be a trap.
1920 01:25:40 She's here for a friendwho is in the hospital. Okay?
1921 01:25:43 You know I'm right. I'm always right.
1922 01:25:45 Okay, you're right about this,but you are not always right.
1923 01:25:48 Buddy, I'm always right,and you know it's true.
1924 01:25:49 Bob, you're not always right.
1925 01:25:50 -100%...-1989.
1926 01:25:52 Oh, come on.
1927 01:25:53 Ken Griffey Jr. enters the league,and what do you say?
1928 01:25:55 "He will never beas good as his father."
1929 01:25:57 And he's better than his father.
1930 01:25:58 - Where are the rings?- You are so wrong!
1931 01:26:00 The historical recordhas proven that I am right.
1932 01:26:03 You know what? Time will tell.
1933 01:26:05 You will never admitthat you are wrong about anything.
1934 01:26:08 I'm not wrong.
1935 01:26:10 Come on, it's been a whilesince we've done this.
1936 01:26:12 Come here, man.
1937 01:26:14 This was a fun few days, man.
1938 01:26:16 - I really missed you.- I missed you too, man.
1939 01:26:18 - You want a breath mint?- No, I don't want a breath mint.
1940 01:26:20 - Stop it.- You want a breath mint?
1941 01:26:21 I would love a breath mint.I got a gross taste in my mouth.
1942 01:26:31 Hey, mind if I sit?
1943 01:26:33 CHERYL: No.
1944 01:26:35 (SIGHS)
1945 01:26:36 Thanks for coming.
1946 01:26:38 - I hope he's okay.- Yeah, me too.
1947 01:26:44 Um...
1948 01:26:47 (BOTH CHUCKLE)
1949 01:26:52 I don't know if that...We're in a hospital and...
1950 01:26:56 - You know?- Yes.
1951 01:26:57 My friend is possibly dying.
1952 01:27:00 But it feels like a time I needto tell you how I feel about you,
1953 01:27:04 and I am so pumpedthat your husband's dead.
1954 01:27:07 - No.- No.
1955 01:27:09 But I'm really happy to see you, Cheryl.
1956 01:27:14 You are broke and divorced
1957 01:27:17 -and just a fucking mess, really.- Yeah.
1958 01:27:20 But it's fun to see you, too.
1959 01:27:21 Good. All right. I'll take that.
1960 01:27:23 I actually think that...
1961 01:27:27 I can't believe I'm saying this,but I would see you again.
1962 01:27:30 - For real?- Yeah.
1963 01:27:33 - Like a little date.- No, definitely didn't say that.
1964 01:27:35 - Like a dinner.- Smaller than that.
1965 01:27:37 - Like a lunch.- How about a snack?
1966 01:27:40 I'll take what I can get.
1967 01:27:43 Hoagie, I know you're fucking with me.
1968 01:27:46 I'm not. I've got a tumor on my liverthe size of my right nut.
1969 01:27:54 Jesus.
1970 01:27:56 Yeah.
1971 01:27:58 I know you're fucking with him,but what are you doing? What's the plan?
1972 01:28:01 - Tell us what's going on.- Chilli, there's no plan.
1973 01:28:03 What's going on?
1974 01:28:05 There's no plan, Chilli.
1975 01:28:06 Stop winking at me.
1976 01:28:08 Think it's real.This looks like it's doing something.
1977 01:28:10 Something real is happeningon this thing right here.
1978 01:28:12 How long have you known this?
1979 01:28:14 ANNA: For three weeks.
1980 01:28:15 JERRY: Three weeks.
1981 01:28:17 Right nut.Too specific, I call bullshit.
1982 01:28:20 That's a lie. Right? It's a lie.
1983 01:28:22 I'm not lying.
1984 01:28:24 Although I did lie about one thing.
1985 01:28:27 Jerry's not quittingat the end of the season.
1986 01:28:29 JERRY: What? Why the fuck would I quit?
1987 01:28:31 Yeah, I just... I said that
1988 01:28:33 to get everyone together,you know, for one last round.
1989 01:28:36 Hoagie, tell me you are fucking jokingabout this.
1990 01:28:39 Uh, no.
1991 01:28:41 There is a decent chanceI will not be around for next season.
1992 01:28:56 Damn.
1993 01:29:00 BOB: And, I mean, plus,even if you were, you'd be,
1994 01:29:03 you know. Really slow.
1995 01:29:05 -(ANNA CHUCKLES)- A total sitting duck.
1996 01:29:07 Carrying like an IV bag around,that's easy.
1997 01:29:10 I had an uncle that went through chemo,
1998 01:29:11 and afterwards,he was terrible at games.
1999 01:29:14 But I guess that makes sense.It would be weird if he got better.
2000 01:29:18 Then everybody would be getting chemo.
2001 01:29:19 (ALL CHUCKLE)
2002 01:29:22 I love you guys.
2003 01:29:25 I love... I love this game. You know?
2004 01:29:29 I don't know what it is.ltjust brings out the best in us.
2005 01:29:34 Except today.
2006 01:29:36 Today, I don't know.
2007 01:29:39 I really fucked up your wedding, Jerry,and I am super sorry.
2008 01:29:44 (CALL DISCONNECTS)
2009 01:29:45 Jerry?
2010 01:29:47 - Has he hung up?- Jerry?
2011 01:29:54 You didn't fuck up my wedding, Hoagie.Come on.
2012 01:29:59 - Right?- No.
2013 01:30:01 You might haveruined a moment. (CHUCKLES)
2014 01:30:03 I screwed it up.You should've been up there with me.
2015 01:30:06 All you boys should've.
2016 01:30:08 That's my fault.
2017 01:30:10 I always thought that you guys were justmuch closer to each other than to me...
2018 01:30:14 What?
2019 01:30:15 I mean, if it seems like we were closer,
2020 01:30:17 it's only becausewe're physically closer
2021 01:30:20 because you always ran away.
2022 01:30:21 Successfully. You know, I mean,
2023 01:30:23 not for nothing, you might actually be
2024 01:30:25 the very best person at this gameon the planet.
2025 01:30:28 He might be, right?
2026 01:30:30 Yeah, you're really good at tag.
2027 01:30:33 Yes, but you've kind of missedthe point.
2028 01:30:36 I mean, it's not about tryingto get away from each other.
2029 01:30:39 It's actually about having a reasonto be around each other. You know?
2030 01:30:44 Yeah.
2031 01:30:45 I mean, Ben Franklin said it best.Am I right?
2032 01:30:48 "We don't stop playing'cause we grow old..."
2033 01:30:50 ALL: "We grow oldbecause we stop playing."
2034 01:30:52 I've been wanting to say for a few yearsthat quote is not Benjamin Franklin.
2035 01:30:55 That is German anthropologist,Karl Groos.
2036 01:30:57 - La, la, la, la, la...- Why are you ruining the moment?
2037 01:30:59 - I just don't even want to know.- He's in the hospital.
2038 01:31:00 - It felt like the right moment.-It's not the right moment, so...
2039 01:31:02 SABLE: it is the right moment.CHILLI: It isn't.
2040 01:31:04 So, Jerry, uh...
2041 01:31:09 It's 11155.
2042 01:31:10 Get in here, and let me tag you.
2043 01:31:17 You know, I've been so attached,I suppose,
2044 01:31:19 to my perfect record all these years,
2045 01:31:21 dominating you fools.
2046 01:31:23 Maybe I should. Maybe I shouldn't.
2047 01:31:26 If you think about it,Jerry is a tag virgin.
2048 01:31:29 Or champion.
2049 01:31:30 Just let us deflower you.
2050 01:31:32 We'll be gentle.
2051 01:31:34 (CHUCKLES) I can't.
2052 01:31:38 Come on.
2053 01:31:39 (CHUCKUNG)
2054 01:31:40 I can't do it.
2055 01:31:41 Then I'm not gonna tag anybody,and the game ends with me.
2056 01:31:45 -(AN NA GASPS)- That's dark.
2057 01:31:47 Or you just let me tag you.
2058 01:31:51 All right, fuck it.
2059 01:31:56 (ALL CHEERING)
2060 01:32:00 _ ~I'[!
2061 01:32:01 Loser! Loser!
2062 01:32:02 BOB: You suck!
2063 01:32:04 CHILLI: Awesome.
2064 01:32:07 - Yes!- You officially suck.
2065 01:32:09 Oh, you're so it!
2066 01:32:11 Goddamn! All right!
2067 01:32:15 I love you guys.
2068 01:32:17 Love you too, man.
2069 01:32:19 (LAUGHING)
2070 01:32:22 You know we got five minutesleft of May.
2071 01:32:27 I ain't gonna be last it. Bitches!
2072 01:32:30 (UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
2073 01:32:48 JERRY: Look, Bob!Where are you gonna go, Bob?
2074 01:32:50 No!
2075 01:32:57 Verbal amendment?That women should be playing.
2076 01:33:01 - Amendment.- Yeah, amendment.
2077 01:33:04 Oh.
2078 01:33:05 Oh, you just made a big mistake.
2079 01:33:09 - You're it, bitch!- You're it now!
2080 01:33:12 - You're going down!- You're too intense!
2081 01:33:13 You're gonna suck my tiny ginger balls.
2082 01:33:15 Oh! Gross!
2083 01:33:17 You're gross! (YELLS)
2084 01:33:29 Come on! Shit! No.
2085 01:33:33 (PANTING)
2086 01:33:36 - You're it.- No, I can't get involved in the story.
2087 01:33:37 We made an amendment!
2088 01:33:39 Come on, it's a little bit fun, right?You have about three minutes.
2089 01:33:55 Sable! Come on.Where are your ethics, buddy?
2090 01:33:59 Come on. Just reach out.
2091 01:34:01 SUSAN; No!JERRY: You got it.
2092 01:34:02 (GROANS)
2093 01:34:04 Oh, shit, hang on a second.
2094 01:34:05 You Okay?
2095 01:34:06 - You all right?- Yeah.
2096 01:34:08 (ALL EXCLAIM)
2097 01:34:10 SUSAN: You're it!
2098 01:34:48 - Tag, brother!-(BOTH LAUGHING)
2099 01:34:52 - You're it!-(LAUGHTER)
2100 01:34:55 - CAMERAMAN: I'm it?- You're it?
2101 01:34:57 CAMERAMAN: Now you're it.
2102 01:34:59 You got me. No way!
2103 01:35:01 (INAUDIBLE)
2104 01:35:04 - Not bad, huh'? Pretty hot?- CAMERAMAN: Wow.
2105 01:35:09 (GROW LS
2106 01:35:10 (LAUGHING)
2107 01:35:17 - You're it!-(SCREAMING)
2108 01:35:21 Yeah, baby.
2109 01:35:25 - CAMERAMAN: Hey, fucker. You're it!-(BOTH LAUGHING)
2110 01:35:29 You're it! Yeah!
2111 01:35:32 You're it, baby!
2112 01:35:34 (LAUGHS)
2113 01:37:11 ("MMM MMM MMM MMM" PLAYING)
2114 01:37:31 (SINGING) Once, there was a kid who
2115 01:37:37 Got into an accidentand couldn't come to school
2116 01:37:41 But when he finally came back
2117 01:37:47 His hair turnedfrom black into bright white
2118 01:37:56 He said that it was from when the cars
2119 01:38:00 Had smashed him so hard
2120 01:38:06 ALL: Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmmMmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
2121 01:38:11 Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
2122 01:38:16 Once, there was this girl who
2123 01:38:21 Wouldn't go and changewith the girls in the change room
2124 01:38:27 - But when they finally made her-(VOCALIZING COMICALLY)
2125 01:38:32 They saw red marks all over her body
2126 01:38:41 She couldn't quite explain it
2127 01:38:44 They'd always just been there
2128 01:38:50 - Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm- Baa, baa, baa, baa
2129 01:38:53 - Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm- Baa, baa, baa, baa
2130 01:38:56 Ooh
2131 01:38:59 Yeah
2132 01:39:01 Hey, hey, hey, heyHey, hey, hey, hey
2133 01:39:06 Mmm, mmm
2134 01:39:12 Both the girl and the boy were glad
2135 01:39:17 'Cause one kid had it worse than that
2136 01:39:28 Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmmMmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
2137 01:39:33 Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
2138 01:39:38 Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmmMmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
2139 01:39:41 Hey, hey, hey, heyHey, hey
2140 01:39:48 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
2141 01:39:54 Yeah, yeahYeah, yeah
2142 01:40:02 - MAN: You're it.- Fucked
2143 01:40:21 English - SDH