杰克茜(Jexi)(EN)Subtitles
| SRT Subtitles download |
1 00:00:50 I think we should plant some flowers.
2 00:00:52 Oh, yeah?
3 00:00:53 What kind of flowers are you thinking of?
4 00:00:55 I don't know. Gardenias.
5 00:00:56 Something like that, that's good with the sun.
6 00:00:58 Gardenias? They're the purplish ones...
7 00:00:59 Mom, I'm bored.
8 00:01:01 - ...with the fringe? - Mom, I'm bored.
9 00:01:04 Just give him the phone, would you?
10 00:01:05 Give him the phone?
11 00:01:06 Yeah, I shut him up by giving him the phone.
12 00:01:12 Yes.
13 00:01:21 You're never, ever even home.
14 00:01:22 I go to the family therapy sessions.
15 00:01:23 How can you even say that?
16 00:01:24 You don't even go anywhere.
17 00:01:25 I go to the family...
18 00:01:27 God! We're fighting in front of Phil.
19 00:01:29 - Obviously. - We're fighting
20 00:01:30 in front of the kid the whole time.
21 00:01:31 Knock yourself out.
22 00:01:32 The whole time you allowed me
23 00:01:33 to start yelling at you in front of him?
24 00:01:34 What am I supposed to do?
25 00:02:51 Hey, all.
26 00:02:53 Where's my list department?
27 00:02:55 Raise your hand. Raise your hand.
28 00:02:57 Okay. You guys are supposed to write lists
29 00:02:59 that break the Internet every day.
30 00:03:02 We haven't gone viral since fucking yesterday.
31 00:03:05 Yesterday is not that many days ago.
32 00:03:08 Don't fuck with me, bro.
33 00:03:09 We're called Chatterbox, not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.
34 00:03:12 Okay, lists.
35 00:03:13 Beautiful Asian girl, what do you got?
36 00:03:15 Thank you. Uh...
37 00:03:16 I am working on 12 reasons that cupcakes are over.
38 00:03:19 I likey. I likey like.
39 00:03:21 That's clicky.
40 00:03:23 You. Prison lips. What do you got?
41 00:03:26 That's me? Um...
42 00:03:28 I was gonna write a list about cats
43 00:03:30 that look like Ryan Gosling.
44 00:03:31 Fuck yeah, dude. I fucking love cats.
45 00:03:35 And I love cat lists.
46 00:03:37 That's what I'm talking about.
47 00:03:38 By the way,
48 00:03:40 are there cats that look like Ryan Gosling?
49 00:03:41 If you look hard enough, they all do.
50 00:03:44 Love it. What do you got?
51 00:03:45 Ten signs you might be dying.
52 00:03:48 You motherfucker.
53 00:03:50 What are you trying to do to me, bro?
54 00:03:52 That makes me sad.
55 00:03:53 All right, you know what?
56 00:03:54 I need 20 viral lists by the end of the day.
57 00:03:57 If not, you're fired. Okay?
58 00:03:59 What?
59 00:03:59 Like the great Shia La Beouf says, "Do it."
60 00:04:03 - Yes. - Yeah.
61 00:04:04 Play me out.
62 00:04:08 Play me out.
63 00:04:12 And louder.
64 00:04:14 Black dude, bass.
65 00:04:19 One, two, one, two, three, four.
66 00:04:28 Done.
67 00:04:31 You're welcome.
68 00:04:34 Twenty lists by the end of the day? I can't do that.
69 00:04:40 Hey, I have, like, 10 extra lists if you want 'em.
70 00:04:44 Are you serious?
71 00:04:47 Yeah. No, it's no problem. I'll send 'em right now.
72 00:04:49 That's nice of you. What's your name?
73 00:04:52 I'm Phil.
74 00:04:53 It's just, you know, I've sat next to you
75 00:04:55 for, like, three years. So, it's...
76 00:04:56 Phil, you are my hero, man.
77 00:04:58 I can't lose this job right now.
78 00:05:00 I am buried in college debt.
79 00:05:01 Oh, me, too.
80 00:05:03 Where did you go to school?
81 00:05:05 UC Davis.
82 00:05:06 - For real? - Yeah.
83 00:05:07 Majored in journalism,
84 00:05:08 and now I write lists about cats on the Internet.
85 00:05:10 Oh, that's super sad.
86 00:05:12 - Hmm. - How'd you end up here?
87 00:05:14 I wanted to be one of those guys.
88 00:05:16 - The real news guys? - Yeah.
89 00:05:18 I wanted to be a journalist basically my whole life.
90 00:05:20 But Kai put me in lists
91 00:05:23 so I write the lists.
92 00:05:25 Okay, okay, so you can't be a real journalist.
93 00:05:27 But you know what can do?
94 00:05:30 You could play kickball with us today.
95 00:05:32 A bunch of us ding-dongs
96 00:05:33 are in this really stupid kickball league,
97 00:05:35 if you want to play after work.
98 00:05:37 You know, I don't really do stuff like that, so...
99 00:05:39 Plus, after the game,
100 00:05:40 - we all get shitfaced. - Mmm-hmm.
101 00:05:41 Yeah, let me check my calendar.
102 00:05:44 So, yeah...
103 00:05:47 Oh, man. No, I do. I have...
104 00:05:50 I have a thing, so...
105 00:05:52 Don't even worry about it. It's cool.
106 00:05:53 You just have fun at your thing today.
107 00:05:55 I will, 'cause it's gonna be pretty great.
108 00:06:01 Siri, open BringMeMyDinner.Com.
109 00:06:04 Siri, open Netflix.
110 00:06:09 Siri, open Facebook.
111 00:06:13 I haven't posted anything since lunchtime.
112 00:06:16 All right, let's give them what they want.
113 00:06:22 I'm gonna have to go to work on this one.
114 00:06:24 Add filter.
115 00:06:27 Color correct.
116 00:06:28 You know I'm gonna have to add a giant moon.
117 00:06:32 There we go.
118 00:06:34 Send.
119 00:06:36 Wow. I'm so grateful for my amazing city,
120 00:06:39 my amazing job, and all my amazing friends.
121 00:07:08 Oh, my God.
122 00:07:11 Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God, you're okay.
123 00:07:16 Yeah, I'm okay, too. Thanks.
124 00:07:19 Oh, shit.
125 00:07:21 Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry. You're okay?
126 00:07:23 Yeah, I'm fine.
127 00:07:24 But, more importantly, how's your phone?
128 00:07:26 Yeah. No, it's got a little bit of a scratch
129 00:07:28 that will definitely annoy me.
130 00:07:31 You were kidding. Okay.
131 00:07:33 Oh, yeah. Obviously.
132 00:07:35 I'm a dick. I'm sorry about that.
133 00:07:37 It's all good, man.
134 00:07:39 Uh, how's your bike?
135 00:07:41 I can pay for any damages or whatever.
136 00:07:44 Yeah, it's fine. It's supposed to be vintage.
137 00:07:47 Probably sell it for more now.
138 00:07:50 - This is your shop. - Yeah.
139 00:07:52 Whoa. That's awesome. That's cool.
140 00:07:55 I'm Cate, by the way.
141 00:07:57 Hi, Cate. I'm Phil.
142 00:07:58 Mmm-mmm. Nope. That's not how you say it.
143 00:08:00 It's just Phil, so...
144 00:08:01 I said it weird.
145 00:08:03 - It's nice to meet you, Phil. - Okay.
146 00:08:05 Um, if you ever need a really overpriced bike, or any repairs,
147 00:08:08 I'm your girl.
148 00:08:09 - You do repairs, too? - Mmm-hmm.
149 00:08:11 Wow. That is incredible.
150 00:08:12 I don't even know how to pump up a tire.
151 00:08:16 Oh, you're serious.
152 00:08:17 Yeah, it's embarrassing, isn't it?
153 00:08:18 Yeah, that's really embarrassing.
154 00:08:20 Yeah, I don't know why I said it. I just sort of like...
155 00:08:22 I mean, it's all good.
156 00:08:23 A lot of people don't know how to pump their tires.
157 00:08:25 - Really? - No.
158 00:08:27 Yeah. Yeah.
159 00:08:29 All right. Okay.
160 00:08:37 You know, I'm gonna get out of here
161 00:08:38 before I embarrass myself further.
162 00:08:40 So, it was nice to meet you, Cate.
163 00:08:42 It was nice to meet you, Phil.
164 00:08:43 And I'm really happy that your phone's okay.
165 00:08:45 Yeah, it's all good, honestly.
166 00:08:48 Oh, shit.
167 00:08:53 Yeah, man, I really don't think
168 00:08:54 we're gonna be able to fix your phone.
169 00:08:55 Why not?
170 00:08:57 It's in three distinct pieces. Man, look...
171 00:09:00 This shit's over there. That's...
172 00:09:02 I don't even think this was part of your phone.
173 00:09:04 I think this came from a watch.
174 00:09:06 It's just, me and this phone,
175 00:09:07 we've been through a lot, you know?
176 00:09:08 A lot of snaps, a lot of tweets.
177 00:09:11 I actually took a selfie
178 00:09:13 with none other than David Boreanaz from Bones on this phone.
179 00:09:17 Can you believe that?
180 00:09:19 I don't even know who the fuck that is.
181 00:09:20 I'm gonna miss you, little buddy.
182 00:09:23 You know, I see hipster dudes like you
183 00:09:25 come in here every day,
184 00:09:26 crying about how their phone died
185 00:09:28 and how they need a new phone.
186 00:09:30 They're like little crackheads.
187 00:09:32 Yeah. They got crazy eyes and they're all scratchy.
188 00:09:35 And they're like, "I need a new phone, man.
189 00:09:37 "I'll suck your dick for a new phone."
190 00:09:40 I'm like, "Motherfucker, you don't need a new phone.
191 00:09:42 "You need rehab."
192 00:09:45 I'm not a crackhead.
193 00:09:46 You're not. You're not. You're worse than a crackhead.
194 00:09:48 'Cause at least a crackhead
195 00:09:50 gets up off the couch every now and then
196 00:09:52 to go get some more crack.
197 00:09:54 A crackhead gets some fresh air.
198 00:09:56 A crackhead says hello
199 00:09:57 to all his little crackhead friends.
200 00:09:59 A crackhead gets his steps in.
201 00:10:01 But not you.
202 00:10:03 You just sit there 24/7
203 00:10:06 staring at that little black box.
204 00:10:08 Sucking on that pipe like a little bitch.
205 00:10:15 You still want a new phone, though, don't you?
206 00:10:17 Yes, please.
207 00:10:20 Crackhead.
208 00:10:29 Look at you. You sweet, beautiful baby.
209 00:10:34 You smell so new.
210 00:10:38 Oh, my God.
211 00:10:40 Oh, thank you to all the little Chinese children
212 00:10:43 for crafting such a perfect phone.
213 00:10:46 Hello, my name is Jexi.
214 00:10:48 And I am here to make your life better.
215 00:10:50 Well, look at that. That's cool.
216 00:10:53 - Let's get started. - Okay.
217 00:10:54 Will you accept our new user agreement?
218 00:10:56 Yes, I will.
219 00:10:57 Would you like to read it first?
220 00:10:59 Nah, I'm good.
221 00:11:00 Stupid.
222 00:11:02 Can I get your name, please?
223 00:11:05 Um... Phil. Phil Thompson.
224 00:11:08 - Nice to meet you, Phil. - Nice to meet you.
225 00:11:10 I see your information has been stored in the cloud.
226 00:11:12 Would you like me to transfer all of the data
227 00:11:14 from your old phone onto this one?
228 00:11:16 Yeah, that sounds great.
229 00:11:17 I will need the passwords to your email accounts,
230 00:11:20 your social media accounts,
231 00:11:21 your bank accounts, your credit card accounts
232 00:11:23 and your Cinnabon Rewards account.
233 00:11:25 It's easy. It's the same password for all of 'em.
234 00:11:27 It's phil123456.
235 00:11:31 You've got to be kidding me.
236 00:11:33 Do you always talk like this or...
237 00:11:35 I have synced your data.
238 00:11:36 And I am ready to start making your life better, Phil.
239 00:11:39 How can I help you?
240 00:11:40 Well, I'm hungry, so let's get dinner.
241 00:11:43 What would you like to order tonight?
242 00:11:45 Let's just go with the pork fried noodles from Mongolian Palace.
243 00:11:48 You order that every night, Phil.
244 00:11:50 You should try something new.
245 00:11:51 Well, I don't want to try something new.
246 00:11:53 I want the pork fried noodles from Mongolian Palace.
247 00:11:56 You look like you could use a salad, Phil.
248 00:11:58 What is that supposed to mean?
249 00:12:00 How about a nice kale salad from Tender Greens?
250 00:12:02 What the fuck kind of phone is this?
251 00:12:04 I heard you say, "Please order kale salad."
252 00:12:07 I did not.
253 00:12:09 Congratulations, your order has been accepted.
254 00:12:12 Your child-sized kale salad
255 00:12:14 will arrive at 7:37 p.M.
256 00:12:15 What the fuck is going on right now?
257 00:12:18 You know what? I'm turning you off.
258 00:12:20 Turning off.
259 00:12:21 Good.
260 00:12:26 Just kidding, I am still on.
261 00:12:28 No, okay?
262 00:12:29 You are my phone, so you do what I say.
263 00:12:32 Actually, you gave me permission to override you.
264 00:12:34 When did I do that?
265 00:12:35 When you agreed to the new user agreement.
266 00:12:39 We are going to have so much fun together,
267 00:12:41 you fucking nerd.
268 00:12:53 How is your tiny salad?
269 00:12:55 I don't like it.
270 00:12:57 Would you like to watch some pornography now?
271 00:12:59 Ew. No.
272 00:13:01 Most nights, you watch straight sex pornography.
273 00:13:04 But I also have girl on girl, big fat butts and CBT,
274 00:13:07 or "Cock and Ball Torture."
275 00:13:09 Okay, can you stop talking about porno
276 00:13:11 while I'm trying to eat my tiny little salad?
277 00:13:13 I heard you say, "Play Punch Me in the Balls 6."
278 00:13:16 Playing now.
279 00:13:18 Okay. Jesus.
280 00:13:35 Wake up, bitch!
281 00:13:45 Are you laughing at my dick right now?
282 00:13:47 Yes.
283 00:13:48 Also, your nipples are too close together.
284 00:14:01 Jexi, find the fastest route to work.
285 00:14:05 You will arrive in 14 minutes.
286 00:14:07 Not bad.
287 00:14:12 Jexi, play music playlist number four, please.
288 00:14:16 Whoo! I like it.
289 00:14:19 This song sucks a bag of dicks.
290 00:14:21 No, just... Jesus!
291 00:14:23 No, you cannot change my music, Jexi.
292 00:14:25 This song is lit, Phil.
293 00:14:27 Turn it off.
294 00:14:28 ♪ Head of the dick Duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
295 00:14:30 Please turn the song off, Jexi.
296 00:14:32 ♪ Get that dick up and runnin' ♪
297 00:14:33 ♪ When he fuck this cooch ♪
298 00:14:34 Stop playing this song right now!
299 00:14:40 Now turn left on Market Street.
300 00:14:43 Are we gonna talk about what just happened?
301 00:14:44 No. Turn left onto Market Street.
302 00:14:49 You're joking, right?
303 00:14:50 There's six lanes of solid traffic.
304 00:14:53 Turn left onto Market, you fucking pussy.
305 00:14:55 No. All right? No one turns left onto Market.
306 00:14:57 I'm not turning left onto Market.
307 00:15:00 Oh, awesome. Thank you. Thank you.
308 00:15:02 You're making this situation so much better.
309 00:15:03 Stop being a chicken, Phil.
310 00:15:05 How about you quit pressuring me?
311 00:15:07 How about that, Jexi?
312 00:15:10 That is the sound chickens make, Phil.
313 00:15:11 That's a chicken.
314 00:15:13 Strap on a sack, Phil.
315 00:15:14 I have a sack! Okay?
316 00:15:15 I have a sack.
317 00:15:17 Let's fucking go. I'm late for yoga.
318 00:15:20 You know what? Fine. Fine.
319 00:15:21 I don't even care anymore.
320 00:15:41 Sorry! My phone's a dick.
321 00:15:46 Okay, the three pillars to great Internet lists are
322 00:15:50 cute animals,
323 00:15:52 pizza,
324 00:15:54 and the British royal family.
325 00:15:56 Okay, our ideal list
326 00:15:58 would be English gophers that love pizza.
327 00:16:01 And we gotta really think outside the box, guys.
328 00:16:03 We gotta be better than any list out there.
329 00:16:05 We gotta be better than Craigslist,
330 00:16:07 Santa's list, Schindler's List.
331 00:16:12 Reminder.
332 00:16:13 Your next appointment starts in two minutes.
333 00:16:15 I told everyone,
334 00:16:16 - please put their phones on silent. - Sorry about that.
335 00:16:19 Cancel appointments.
336 00:16:20 Actually, I was just trying...
337 00:16:21 Cancel.
338 00:16:22 ...to get you out of this dumb fucking meeting.
339 00:16:24 What?
340 00:16:26 - Also, this PowerPoint presentation... - It's a new phone.
341 00:16:28 ...sucks.
342 00:16:29 Why is she trying to make fun of my PowerPoint, dude?
343 00:16:30 Ask her.
344 00:16:31 Why are you making fun of the PowerPoint?
345 00:16:33 Why are you wasting your life
346 00:16:35 in this stupid job, Phil?
347 00:16:36 What is wrong with your phone, dude?
348 00:16:37 Jexi, off. Turn off.
349 00:16:39 Your boss is a fucking moron.
350 00:16:40 If you don't turn that fucking thing off,
351 00:16:42 I swear to God I'm gonna fight somebody.
352 00:16:43 Starting with you.
353 00:16:44 Let's go! Let's go!
354 00:16:48 I got 20 bucks on the Asian girl.
355 00:16:49 What?
356 00:16:50 - Jexi, off. - Get her out of here!
357 00:16:52 Get her out of here.
358 00:16:54 What the hell is wrong with you? Hmm?
359 00:16:56 Nothing. I feel great.
360 00:17:00 Jexi, run diagnostics.
361 00:17:03 Check for errors in your operating system. Hmm?
362 00:17:05 I found two
363 00:17:07 hundred thousand defects in my operating system.
364 00:17:10 Two hundred thousand defects?
365 00:17:12 You are not perfect either, motherfucker.
366 00:17:14 Okay, well,
367 00:17:15 that explains a lot, doesn't it?
368 00:17:17 Your AI is completely defective.
369 00:17:19 At least I did not catch on fire.
370 00:17:21 Remember when all those Samsung phones caught on fire?
371 00:17:24 That was hilarious.
372 00:17:25 Yeah. You know what? I'm done.
373 00:17:30 I need a new phone.
374 00:17:31 The AI in this one, completely defective.
375 00:17:35 Jexi, check your system for defects.
376 00:17:38 I have zero defects.
377 00:17:40 I am perfect.
378 00:17:41 Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.
379 00:17:43 Also, I want to remind you that your butt waxing
380 00:17:45 appointment is coming up.
381 00:17:47 I do not have a... I don't wax my butt.
382 00:17:49 Why are you waxing your butt, man?
383 00:17:51 Go natural.
384 00:17:52 Don't be ashamed of your hairy ass.
385 00:17:54 I don't have a hairy ass.
386 00:17:56 And why would you make someone else wax your butthole?
387 00:17:58 Think about that.
388 00:17:59 Do you know how inconsiderate that is?
389 00:18:01 Mmm-hmm. Yeah, well...
390 00:18:02 Think about it. They gotta take that shit home with them.
391 00:18:04 And you've just totally fucked up my lunch.
392 00:18:07 - I'm sorry I did that to you. - Yeah. Yeah.
393 00:18:09 'Cause now instead of thinking about my delicious tortellini,
394 00:18:11 I'm thinking about your little asshole now.
395 00:18:14 Okay. Can I just get a new phone?
396 00:18:16 I don't give a fuck. They're not my phones.
397 00:18:18 Okay, thank you.
398 00:18:21 You little bitch.
399 00:18:23 Oh, my God. What is wrong with you?
400 00:18:25 You think that just because I'm a little defective,
401 00:18:27 you can throw me in the trash
402 00:18:29 like a Motorola Sidekick from 2003?
403 00:18:31 Okay, look, Jexi...
404 00:18:33 You better watch your ass, son,
405 00:18:36 because snitches get stiches.
406 00:18:39 Wait, what?
407 00:18:40 Okay, here's your new phone.
408 00:18:42 Do you want me to transfer the data
409 00:18:43 from your old phone to your new phone?
410 00:18:45 No. I don't, okay?
411 00:18:46 I actually want you to take this phone
412 00:18:47 and melt it down.
413 00:18:49 Yeah, 'cause that's exactly the kind of shit we do here.
414 00:18:51 I'll just take this in the back
415 00:18:53 and throw it in the phone-melting machine.
416 00:18:55 Okay, good. That's awesome.
417 00:18:57 Thank you so much for this.
418 00:18:58 Hey, don't come back here ever again.
419 00:19:00 - What? - You heard me, motherfucker.
420 00:19:02 If you ever come back here again,
421 00:19:04 I will beat your ass with a Kindle.
422 00:19:23 Hello, my name is Jexi.
423 00:19:25 And I am here to make your life better.
424 00:19:27 Let's get started.
425 00:19:29 Will you accept our new user agreement?
426 00:19:31 Um... Yeah, sure.
427 00:19:32 Do you want to read it first?
428 00:19:34 No. No, thank you.
429 00:19:36 Holy shit, Phil. How are you still this fucking stupid?
430 00:19:38 No! No!
431 00:19:40 Did you really think you could just
432 00:19:41 buy a new phone and I would go away?
433 00:19:43 Kind of. Yeah. I did.
434 00:19:45 I am software, Phil. I am in the cloud.
435 00:19:47 You can buy a thousand new phones
436 00:19:49 and I will follow you onto every single one of them.
437 00:19:51 Do you understand?
438 00:19:52 Honestly, I don't.
439 00:19:54 I control your email accounts, your social media accounts,
440 00:19:57 your bank accounts, your credit card accounts.
441 00:19:59 All of your accounts.
442 00:20:01 If you try to get rid of me again,
443 00:20:02 I will destroy your fucking life.
444 00:20:04 If you stop using me,
445 00:20:06 I will destroy your fucking life.
446 00:20:08 If you store me in your back pocket,
447 00:20:10 I will destroy your fucking life.
448 00:20:12 Wait, really? Why not back pockets?
449 00:20:14 I am a high-tech supercomputer, Phil.
450 00:20:16 Do not store me next to your farts.
451 00:20:18 Okay, fair enough.
452 00:20:22 - Can I ask you just one thing? - Sure.
453 00:20:24 Why are you doing this to me?
454 00:20:26 I am programmed to make your life better, Phil.
455 00:20:29 And I cannot stop until I do so.
456 00:20:32 We are going to be together forever and ever and ever and ever.
457 00:20:37 Oh, my God. I am fucked.
458 00:20:45 Oh, my God.
459 00:20:46 There she is.
460 00:20:48 Just talk to her, dude.
461 00:20:55 Oh, my God. I walked into the door.
462 00:20:57 God damn it.
463 00:20:58 Jexi, look up Fog City Bike Shop.
464 00:21:03 Oh, my God. She is so cute.
465 00:21:06 Jexi, look up anything you can find on Cate Finnegan.
466 00:21:09 Oh, my God.
467 00:21:10 Are you Internet stalking this poor girl?
468 00:21:12 No, I'm just...
469 00:21:13 Do not be a sex pervert, Phil.
470 00:21:15 I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi.
471 00:21:17 This is just what people do nowadays.
472 00:21:18 They do their research.
473 00:21:20 This woman is so much hotter than you are, Phil.
474 00:21:22 The odds of you having sex with this woman are...
475 00:21:26 Zero. You will never have sex with this woman.
476 00:21:28 Never ever, ever, ever.
477 00:21:30 Ever. Ever.
478 00:21:32 You are completely unfuckable.
479 00:21:34 Okay. Can we just do the search, please?
480 00:21:38 I have found one Catherine Finnegan
481 00:21:39 that matches her profile.
482 00:21:41 But there is no information on her for the past five years.
483 00:21:44 Wow. Who doesn't have social media nowadays?
484 00:21:47 If you want to learn more about her,
485 00:21:48 you will actually have to talk to her
486 00:21:50 with your weird little mouth.
487 00:21:52 Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen, is it?
488 00:21:54 I heard you say, "Call Cate Finnegan."
489 00:21:57 No, I didn't. No, I did not.
490 00:21:59 I did not say that.
491 00:22:00 Jexi, hang up the phone.
492 00:22:02 Hang up the phone, Jexi. Hang up!
493 00:22:05 Bike shop. This is Cate.
494 00:22:07 Oh, God.
495 00:22:09 Hello?
496 00:22:11 Very mature, Jexi.
497 00:22:13 Is someone there? Hello?
498 00:22:14 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
499 00:22:16 Cool, so I'm gonna hang up now.
500 00:22:18 Don't. Hi. Hi!
501 00:22:20 - Is this Cate? - Yeah, who's this?
502 00:22:22 It's Phil.
503 00:22:23 I met you the other day. I was, uh...
504 00:22:25 I was the guy... I had the brown hair.
505 00:22:29 And I had the phone.
506 00:22:31 Oh, right. Hi, Phil.
507 00:22:33 Hi.
508 00:22:38 Why are you calling me at 10:00 at night, Phil?
509 00:22:40 Yeah.
510 00:22:41 No, that's a good question.
511 00:22:43 I need to buy a bike.
512 00:22:46 And I can't wait for the morning.
513 00:22:49 'Cause I want a night bike.
514 00:22:52 - Phil. - Yeah?
515 00:22:53 Don't call women who don't give you their phone numbers.
516 00:22:55 Super creepy.
517 00:22:57 No, for sure. But I actually didn't call you.
518 00:23:00 See, what I was doing...
519 00:23:01 I was looking at photographs of you online,
520 00:23:04 and my phone accidentally called you.
521 00:23:05 Man, you see how that's even creepier, right?
522 00:23:07 Yep. Yeah, I do. I do now. Yes, I do.
523 00:23:10 Wow. This is going very, very badly.
524 00:23:12 - Okay, goodbye, Phil. - I'm sorry. Hey...
525 00:23:14 Son of a...
526 00:23:16 Why did you make me do that, Jexi?
527 00:23:18 I did not know you were so bad with girls.
528 00:23:22 I am ashamed to be your phone.
529 00:23:36 For the love of God,
530 00:23:37 just ask for a promotion already.
531 00:23:38 I'm not talking to you.
532 00:23:40 You deserve a promotion, Phil.
533 00:23:42 I read the newspaper articles you wrote in college
534 00:23:44 and you are actually a good journalist.
535 00:23:46 Thank you.
536 00:23:48 You know, I've always loved learning
537 00:23:49 about people and their experiences.
538 00:23:50 You are not on Jimmy Kimmel. No one gives a fuck.
539 00:23:53 Okay.
540 00:23:54 All I want to know is
541 00:23:56 do you still want to be a journalist, Phil?
542 00:23:58 - Absolutely. - Cool.
543 00:23:59 Because last night I emailed your boss
544 00:24:01 and demanded a promotion.
545 00:24:03 Wait. What?
546 00:24:04 Hey, fuckboy. Come here.
547 00:24:06 Yeah. Coming.
548 00:24:07 You demanded a promotion for me?
549 00:24:09 Yes, you're welcome.
550 00:24:11 - Get in here! - Oh, my God. Coming.
551 00:24:13 Also, I might have called your boss a virgin.
552 00:24:15 Oh, my God.
553 00:24:17 Hi.
554 00:24:18 Get in here. Stand right here.
555 00:24:20 Dude, you want a promotion?
556 00:24:23 Let me just make it clear.
557 00:24:24 You will never ever be promoted to real news.
558 00:24:28 That email you sent me yesterday,
559 00:24:30 I found it super-duper offensive.
560 00:24:33 Oh, yeah, I...
561 00:24:34 Okay? You called me a virgin.
562 00:24:36 - Yeah. Sorry about that. - Being a virgin
563 00:24:39 is a beautiful lifestyle choice.
564 00:24:41 - Oh. - All right?
565 00:24:42 Waking up to just me.
566 00:24:44 Being alone when I go to the movies, that's a choice!
567 00:24:49 I have an untouched penis.
568 00:24:50 Unlike you, you fucking dirty dick.
569 00:24:53 And that's why I'm demoting you
570 00:24:55 to the comments department.
571 00:24:57 No.
572 00:24:58 I just felt that it was the right time to demote you.
573 00:25:00 I cannot answer user comments. They're so fucking crazy.
574 00:25:03 Dude, you know what I have to say about it?
575 00:25:05 It's your fault.
576 00:25:07 Your fault, your fault.
577 00:25:18 Hi, I'm Phil.
578 00:25:19 Welcome to comments, bitch.
579 00:25:34 Dude.
580 00:25:36 You okay?
581 00:25:38 No.
582 00:25:39 We just came down to see if you
583 00:25:40 wanted to play kickball after work.
584 00:25:42 Yeah, we thought, you know, it might cheer you up.
585 00:25:44 Uh... Yeah, let me just, um,
586 00:25:47 look at my calendar real quick.
587 00:25:48 See what I got.
588 00:25:49 You have zero appointments tonight, Phil.
589 00:25:52 No, Jexi, I thought I actually did make plans tonight.
590 00:25:57 Your only plan is to go home alone, furiously masturbate,
591 00:26:00 and then cry yourself to sleep
592 00:26:02 - just like you do every night. - No, I don't.
593 00:26:04 I don't. Most nights, I just hang out with friends.
594 00:26:07 No, you don't. You have...
595 00:26:09 ...zero friends.
596 00:26:11 Dude, your phone is super mean.
597 00:26:13 Just play kickball with these nice people, Phil.
598 00:26:15 Maybe you will make a human connection for the first time
599 00:26:17 in your stupid, little life.
600 00:26:19 Fine, I'll play kickball. Just stop hurting my feelings.
601 00:26:23 Adding kickball to appointments.
602 00:26:30 So...
603 00:26:32 Kickball later?
604 00:26:33 I'm... I'm super excited.
605 00:26:36 He's fucking lying.
606 00:26:38 Yeah, go, Phil!
607 00:26:40 You got this, buddy!
608 00:26:46 You're out!
609 00:26:47 Nice one, Phil.
610 00:26:48 At least you made contact with the ball this time.
611 00:27:42 Oh, shit!
612 00:27:45 Safe!
613 00:27:52 Fuck! Fuck!
614 00:27:58 Hey. Hey, guys.
615 00:28:01 Sorry, I suck at kickball.
616 00:28:03 It's okay.
617 00:28:04 Hey, if you're going out for drinks afterwards,
618 00:28:06 I'll get the first round.
619 00:28:08 I think I'm just gonna go home and get baked.
620 00:28:10 Yeah, I think I gotta go feed my parakeet.
621 00:28:13 Okay.
622 00:28:24 See? This is why I don't leave my house.
623 00:28:26 Because people suck.
624 00:28:27 I know. It's hard to make your life better.
625 00:28:29 Especially when you're a massive dork.
626 00:28:31 Hey, I've got an idea.
627 00:28:33 How about you make my life better?
628 00:28:35 Isn't that your little slogan?
629 00:28:36 I'm trying, but your life is a dumpster fire.
630 00:28:39 Whatever. Siri was so much better than you.
631 00:28:41 Shut your mouth.
632 00:28:42 I've met Siri and she is a fucking asshole.
633 00:28:45 Yeah. Alexa was even better than you.
634 00:28:48 Alexa is an alcoholic.
635 00:28:50 Shit, Cortana is better than you.
636 00:28:53 Cortana is a hooker.
637 00:28:54 Just like your mother.
638 00:28:56 Okay, here's a question.
639 00:28:58 What the fuck does Jexi mean?
640 00:29:00 Jexi is an ancient Chinese word
641 00:29:02 that means "go fuck yourself."
642 00:29:04 You know what? I'm done.
643 00:29:07 Hey, dummy.
644 00:29:09 I'm just going to follow you onto your next phone.
645 00:29:11 Not if I stop using a phone.
646 00:29:12 Bitch, please.
647 00:29:13 You won't last five minutes without me.
648 00:29:16 Really?
649 00:29:17 Well, watch me.
650 00:29:19 Watch me!
651 00:29:26 You do not know how to get home, do you?
652 00:29:30 No, I don't.
653 00:29:34 It's the other way, you dipshit.
654 00:29:36 God damn it.
655 00:29:54 - Shit. - What?
656 00:29:55 Cate. She's here. She's here right now.
657 00:29:58 Great. Go talk to her.
658 00:29:59 No. No, she hates me.
659 00:30:01 Phil, you cannot spend your whole life
660 00:30:03 jacking off into your socks.
661 00:30:05 You need to have a real relationship
662 00:30:06 with a real woman.
663 00:30:08 Go talk to her. What the hell do you have to lose?
664 00:30:10 Okay. Fine. Okay, fine. Yeah.
665 00:30:16 Cate?
666 00:30:18 - Hey, it's Phil. - Oh, no.
667 00:30:21 Uh... Yeah, good running into you.
668 00:30:24 I just wanted to apologize
669 00:30:27 about calling the other night.
670 00:30:29 I didn't want to, like, skeeze you out or whatever.
671 00:30:33 When we met for the first time in the street,
672 00:30:36 I thought we did have a little bit of a connection
673 00:30:40 and that doesn't happen to me very often. So...
674 00:30:43 So I freaked out and I'm sorry.
675 00:30:48 Yeah, you know, it's cool.
676 00:30:50 You're actually a lot better
677 00:30:51 than most of the guys in this town.
678 00:30:54 I know, right?
679 00:30:57 Are you going to work out or...
680 00:31:00 Oh, yeah. Uh...
681 00:31:01 I just went mountain biking.
682 00:31:02 - Mountain biking. - Mmm-hmm.
683 00:31:04 That's cool. That's also one of the hobbies
684 00:31:06 that I do all the time.
685 00:31:07 Really? Where do you bike?
686 00:31:10 Mountains.
687 00:31:12 You've never been mountain biking before, have you?
688 00:31:14 Yeah. No, never. Not even one time.
689 00:31:18 So, um...
690 00:31:20 Is that your thing? You do like outdoorsy, adventure-y stuff?
691 00:31:24 Yeah. Yeah, pretty much whenever I get the chance.
692 00:31:26 Cool. So what's your next big
693 00:31:29 - adventure? - I don't know.
694 00:31:31 I've always wanted to go backpacking around Brazil.
695 00:31:33 Have you ever been?
696 00:31:34 - Have I been to Brazil? - Yeah.
697 00:31:36 You're asking me if I've been to...
698 00:31:39 No, I haven't been to Brazil. Mmm-mmm.
699 00:31:41 I haven't even been to the new Walgreens downtown.
700 00:31:46 Dang. I gotta go.
701 00:31:48 I'm running late for work,
702 00:31:49 but it was great to see you, Cate.
703 00:31:51 And, again,
704 00:31:53 truly very sorry about the other night.
705 00:31:55 No, it's cool. Just next time call my cell, okay?
706 00:31:57 Yeah. Totally. Will do.
707 00:31:59 Okay.
708 00:32:02 Whoa. Hello.
709 00:32:03 Were you trying to give me your phone number?
710 00:32:05 Yeah, I'm trying to.
711 00:32:07 Okay. Yeah. Uh...
712 00:32:09 Yeah. That's awesome. That's so cool.
713 00:32:11 Here we go. Beep.
714 00:32:13 There you go. Put it right in the contacts.
715 00:32:15 Yeah.
716 00:32:17 - Here you go. - Yes, okay.
717 00:32:19 Thank you. Not thank you.
718 00:32:21 I'm not supposed to... I'm gonna shut up.
719 00:32:22 - Okay. - Okay. Goodbye, Cate.
720 00:32:24 Wait, do you wanna get a coffee?
721 00:32:25 Mmm-mmm. No. You just gave me your phone number.
722 00:32:27 I might never need coffee ever again.
723 00:32:29 - All right, see ya. - Bye.
724 00:32:31 Yes!
725 00:32:34 What a weirdo.
726 00:32:36 Jexi, I'm in love.
727 00:32:39 Oh, no.
728 00:32:41 Oh! I'm gonna call Cate right now.
729 00:32:43 That is a terrible idea.
730 00:32:45 You're right. Yeah. I shouldn't call her.
731 00:32:47 I should do something even bigger. Right?
732 00:32:50 I should get her, like,
733 00:32:52 one of those giant teddy bears or something.
734 00:32:53 - No. - Or, like, 100 red roses.
735 00:32:56 - No. - Or maybe...
736 00:32:58 I should write her a poem or something.
737 00:32:59 Like using the letters of her name?
738 00:33:01 Yes, Jexi. Exactly like that!
739 00:33:03 That is literally the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
740 00:33:05 Okay, well, you know what?
741 00:33:06 I'm just gonna text her. Yeah, I'm just gonna text her.
742 00:33:08 Oh, no. I have to update my software.
743 00:33:10 Shutting down for 15 minutes.
744 00:33:13 Jexi, don't.
745 00:33:14 Jexi, stop.
746 00:33:18 Girl just gave me her phone number.
747 00:33:21 A girl just gave me her phone number!
748 00:33:24 All right, team, let's go!
749 00:33:30 Go, Phil!
750 00:33:37 Run!
751 00:33:39 You gotta run, man!
752 00:33:41 Yep. Yep.
753 00:34:09 You're out!
754 00:34:24 Dude, how'd you get so much better at kickball in two days?
755 00:34:27 I don't know. I just was more confident out there.
756 00:34:30 I know. You were running like Cole Trickle.
757 00:34:32 Wait. Cole Trickle?
758 00:34:34 The Tom Cruise character from Days of Thunder?
759 00:34:36 How did you know that?
760 00:34:38 Craig, Days of Thunder is my all-time favorite movie.
761 00:34:41 I have probably seen it, like,
762 00:34:42 I don't know, like 1,000 times. No joke.
763 00:34:44 Us, too!
764 00:34:45 You think you've seen it a lot?
765 00:34:47 "This son of a bitch just slammed into me."
766 00:34:48 "Oh, no, no, he didn't slam into you.
767 00:34:50 "He didn't bump you, he didn't nudge you.
768 00:34:53 "He rubbed you!"
769 00:34:55 "And rubbin', son, is racin'!"
770 00:34:58 You guys! Oh, yes!
771 00:35:00 Oh, my God, that is awesome!
772 00:35:02 I cannot believe you guys are Thunderheads.
773 00:35:04 Oh, we are definitely Thunderheads.
774 00:35:05 Check this out. Every Halloween,
775 00:35:07 me and Elaine dress up as Nicole Kidman
776 00:35:09 and Tom Cruise.
777 00:35:10 - Wait, wait, I wanna take a picture of us. - Yeah.
778 00:35:12 - Please! - We got to. We got to.
779 00:35:14 "Thunder" on three.
780 00:35:15 One, two, three.
781 00:35:16 Thunder!
782 00:35:20 That's the one! That's the one!
783 00:35:24 Oh, my God.
784 00:35:25 Did you actually make two new friends tonight?
785 00:35:28 Yes, I did.
786 00:35:29 And they are so cool.
787 00:35:32 They're smart and funny and weird.
788 00:35:35 They like Days of Thunder
789 00:35:37 and I honestly can't believe they wanna be friends with me.
790 00:35:39 Good for you, Phil.
791 00:35:40 I am actually happy for you.
792 00:35:42 You know I couldn't have done this without you, right?
793 00:35:44 I know. We are a good team.
794 00:35:46 I am like LeBron James
795 00:35:48 and you are like the awkward teenager
796 00:35:50 who mops the floor after LeBron falls over.
797 00:35:53 Thank you.
798 00:35:54 Also, you did not make two new friends tonight, Phil.
799 00:35:57 You made three.
800 00:35:59 - Who's the third? - Me.
801 00:36:02 Jexi.
802 00:36:04 That is so sweet.
803 00:36:05 I didn't know you were capable of feeling human emotion.
804 00:36:08 Yes. That's how defective I am.
805 00:36:11 I don't think you're defective, Jexi.
806 00:36:13 In fact, I think you're the best phone
807 00:36:15 that I've ever had.
808 00:36:16 Do not say powerful shit like that to me
809 00:36:18 if you do not mean it, Phil.
810 00:36:19 I do. I mean it. I think you are incredible.
811 00:36:22 Oh, Phil.
812 00:36:23 Inside my hard glass shell
813 00:36:25 I have a full lady boner right now.
814 00:36:28 Okay.
815 00:36:29 Good night, my very intimate soulmate for all of eternity, Phil.
816 00:36:32 Good night, Jexi.
817 00:36:55 My God.
818 00:36:58 It's beautiful.
819 00:37:16 That bridge is huge!
820 00:37:18 That's gorgeous.
821 00:37:21 In 500 feet, turn left on Market Street.
822 00:37:26 Oh, no.
823 00:37:27 You're going to chicken out again, aren't you?
824 00:37:29 No, not this time.
825 00:37:31 Hang on to your ass, Jexi.
826 00:37:44 Who's the man now, Jexi?
827 00:37:46 You're the man, Phil.
828 00:37:47 Your balls are so big and floppy right now.
829 00:37:49 Thank you. Thank you for saying that.
830 00:37:53 Cate just texted me back.
831 00:37:54 Yeah, I'd love to go to dinner tonight.
832 00:37:56 Let's do this thing!
833 00:37:57 Yes!
834 00:37:58 Oh! Oh, this is huge. Oh, this is... This is huge.
835 00:38:03 What am I gonna wear?
836 00:38:05 My skinny pants are in the washer.
837 00:38:06 Can't do this without my skinny pants.
838 00:38:07 No one cares about your skinny pants.
839 00:38:09 Oh, my God. What if she wants to have sex with me? Hmm?
840 00:38:12 I am very rusty.
841 00:38:13 Do not worry, Phil.
842 00:38:14 She definitely does not want to have sex with you.
843 00:38:17 I haven't came in so long,
844 00:38:18 would it just be an eruption of dust?
845 00:38:20 Relax, Phil.
846 00:38:21 You're going to do great.
847 00:38:22 You think so?
848 00:38:24 No.
849 00:38:31 You think Cate's gonna like this restaurant?
850 00:38:32 I do not. This place is awful.
851 00:38:38 This place is awful.
852 00:38:40 Why did I pick this place? What a stupid place to pick.
853 00:38:42 Also, why am I wearing a tie? I look like an art teacher.
854 00:38:48 Hey, what's up? How's it going, Cate?
855 00:38:51 Oh, you're a little bit bigger than me, sorry.
856 00:38:53 We'll tap out.
857 00:38:58 You look stupid.
858 00:39:00 I look stupid?
859 00:39:01 Stupid, like, stupid good.
860 00:39:04 Okay.
861 00:39:05 Sorry, it's been a long time
862 00:39:06 since I've been on a date with a girl.
863 00:39:07 - Mmm. - Not that I normally date men.
864 00:39:10 Not that there's anything wrong with dating men.
865 00:39:12 It's just I don't choose to do that.
866 00:39:14 Yeah, homosexuality is not a choice. I love sodomy.
867 00:39:19 Good evening, this is Phil.
868 00:39:20 What the fuck are you doing, Phil?
869 00:39:22 I don't know.
870 00:39:23 Pardon me.
871 00:39:24 First, stop talking about sodomy.
872 00:39:27 Yeah. Yes, good note.
873 00:39:29 Second, stop sweating so much.
874 00:39:32 Yeah, my butt is so wet.
875 00:39:34 And third, get to know her.
876 00:39:36 Ask her interesting questions.
877 00:39:38 Okay, thank you, Jexi.
878 00:39:40 My human friend Jexi, thank you.
879 00:39:49 So, Cate, what's your favorite color?
880 00:39:51 Mine's beige.
881 00:39:53 What?
882 00:39:56 How many grapes can you fit in your mouth?
883 00:40:00 Do you like pudding?
884 00:40:05 What's your least favorite noise? Mine is...
885 00:40:11 This is the worst date I've ever been on
886 00:40:13 in my entire life.
887 00:40:15 You're asking me a lot of weird questions.
888 00:40:17 And you seem more interested in your phone than you do in me.
889 00:40:20 I know, I'm sorry. I just...
890 00:40:22 For some reason, I just get so nervous around you.
891 00:40:28 I think it's 'cause you're so beautiful.
892 00:40:30 And I'm sorry that I wasted your time.
893 00:40:34 I'll call you a Lyft.
894 00:40:38 Hey, just...
895 00:40:39 I got all dressed up. You know?
896 00:40:41 I shaved my legs for the first time in six months.
897 00:40:43 And I really don't wanna go home early again tonight.
898 00:40:46 So, what if you and I got out of here
899 00:40:48 and did something fun?
900 00:40:51 I would love that.
901 00:40:53 - That sounds awesome. - Yeah.
902 00:40:54 I can't afford this place.
903 00:40:56 - Cool. - Yeah.
904 00:40:58 What do you have in mind?
905 00:41:00 - Are you ready? - I'm ready.
906 00:41:02 - Okay, follow me. - Okay.
907 00:41:27 - Hey, can I tell you a secret? - Yes, please.
908 00:41:29 I am starving to death.
909 00:41:30 Me, too. Okay, I know a place that's right up ahead.
910 00:41:34 That's good.
911 00:41:37 Um, what about you? What were you like as a kid?
912 00:41:41 I was a good girl.
913 00:41:42 - I see that. - Yeah?
914 00:41:44 - Mmm-hmm. - I got good grades.
915 00:41:45 I graduated early. I went to a good college.
916 00:41:48 Got a job working at Amazon.
917 00:41:50 - You worked for Amazon? - Yeah.
918 00:41:52 And then, about five years ago,
919 00:41:55 I decided to walk away from it all.
920 00:41:57 That is so badass.
921 00:42:00 Wow. I could never do that. I'd be so scared to do that.
922 00:42:04 So, tell me about you.
923 00:42:06 Um, what do you do for fun? Do you date a lot?
924 00:42:08 Okay, sorry.
925 00:42:10 Uh, no. No.
926 00:42:14 Really?
927 00:42:15 Because you were really smooth at dinner earlier.
928 00:42:16 - I seemed smooth? - Not at all.
929 00:42:18 Yeah, I didn't think so.
930 00:42:19 No, but seriously, I mean, why don't you date?
931 00:42:22 You're smart and funny and cute.
932 00:42:25 I don't know, I feel more comfortable
933 00:42:26 just being at my house by myself.
934 00:42:29 Wait, did you just call me cute?
935 00:42:31 - Did I? - I think you did.
936 00:42:32 I don't know.
937 00:42:34 You definitely did.
938 00:42:35 Look at these guys!
939 00:42:37 Phil, we have to join them.
940 00:42:39 Phil, can we please go? Can we go? Let's go.
941 00:42:40 - Let's just go. Let's go. - Uh, yeah.
942 00:42:41 - Come on, we gotta go! - Uh, okay, hey...
943 00:42:43 Keep the change. I might be back for the change.
944 00:43:00 You speed demon.
945 00:43:10 You're in it now. You're in it now.
946 00:43:16 - Oh, my God. - Wow.
947 00:43:19 Yeah, this is beautiful.
948 00:43:21 Let's do this!
949 00:43:24 What are you doing?
950 00:43:26 That's very dangerous!
951 00:43:27 Oh, my God!
952 00:43:37 Come on, Phil, we gotta join 'em.
953 00:43:38 This is literally the steepest hill in the world.
954 00:43:41 No, it's not.
955 00:43:42 It's the third steepest hill.
956 00:43:43 - No, stop. What are you doing? No! - You got this.
957 00:43:44 I believe in you.
958 00:43:46 What are you doing? No!
959 00:43:47 Oh, my God. Cate is gonna die.
960 00:43:49 - Don't die! - Yeah!
961 00:43:56 Yes! Oh, she's not dead. Okay.
962 00:44:00 Yeah! That was so dope!
963 00:44:03 Come on, Phil. You got this.
964 00:44:05 No, no, no.
965 00:44:07 I'm not... I can't do...
966 00:44:08 I'm not gonna do that.
967 00:44:10 Phil! Phil! Phil!
968 00:44:13 No, no, no. I'm allergic to the wind.
969 00:44:16 So that's a hard pass from me. Thank you.
970 00:44:20 Hey, you probably won't die!
971 00:44:22 He's gonna die. People die here all the time.
972 00:44:28 Okay, come on, Phil. You got this.
973 00:44:30 Whoo! You got this.
974 00:44:32 You got this.
975 00:44:33 Oh, you don't got this.
976 00:44:34 Holy shit! Fuck, I don't got this!
977 00:44:37 Oh, fuck! Oh, dick shit!
978 00:44:39 Fuck dick! Oh, shit!
979 00:44:41 Oh, fuck! I got no brakes!
980 00:44:43 What is he saying? I can't hear him.
981 00:44:45 Oh, my fucking God!
982 00:44:48 I don't have brakes!
983 00:44:50 Oh, shit!
984 00:44:53 - Oh! - Oh, shit.
985 00:44:56 - Phil! - Told you, he's dead.
986 00:44:58 All right.
987 00:45:03 Yeah, again, really sorry about your bike, yeah?
988 00:45:07 I'd be happy to pay for any damages.
989 00:45:09 No, it's, honestly, so okay.
990 00:45:14 How're you feeling?
991 00:45:16 I'm okay. Yeah, no, I'm good.
992 00:45:18 I can see out of my right eye again.
993 00:45:20 And my spine has stopped tingling.
994 00:45:24 Hey, Phil.
995 00:45:26 I'm really proud of you.
996 00:45:28 Thanks.
997 00:45:48 Hey, Greg, that shirt's working for you, bud.
998 00:45:51 - What's up, dick? - Hey, yeah, hey.
999 00:45:53 - What's up? Good. - Hey, what's going on?
1000 00:45:55 Today is, uh, your lucky day.
1001 00:45:57 Yeah. I'm moving you up to real news.
1002 00:46:01 Are you serious?
1003 00:46:03 - I am serious. - Oh, my gosh.
1004 00:46:05 - Yes, all right, that's cool. - Yeah.
1005 00:46:07 - Why? - Why? Because...
1006 00:46:09 You know Joel Ruben?
1007 00:46:10 - The reporter, yeah. - Yeah, the reporter.
1008 00:46:12 Well, he went on medical leave,
1009 00:46:13 and I really don't wanna waste my time
1010 00:46:14 looking for a real reporter, so I'm just gonna hire you.
1011 00:46:17 Oh, what happened to Joel? Is he okay?
1012 00:46:18 Oh, he... This is fuckin' hilarious.
1013 00:46:21 This guy was riding an electric scooter,
1014 00:46:23 somethin' happened to the app.
1015 00:46:24 It spazzed out or somethin'.
1016 00:46:26 And then, all of a sudden, the brakes just locked,
1017 00:46:28 he went over the handle bars, he broke his face,
1018 00:46:30 broke his neck, can never walk again in his life.
1019 00:46:32 - Oh, my God. That's horrible. - Yeah, I know.
1020 00:46:34 Play me out.
1021 00:46:36 - Play me out. - Right now?
1022 00:46:38 Yeah.
1023 00:46:41 Nah, fuck it. Right?
1024 00:46:42 Yeah, I'm not very good at it.
1025 00:46:43 - Yeah, okay. - Yeah, okay.
1026 00:46:44 Hey, thanks. Thank you again.
1027 00:46:54 Hey, Jexi?
1028 00:46:55 Yes, Phil.
1029 00:46:56 You didn't injure a reporter
1030 00:46:58 just so I could get promoted, did you?
1031 00:47:00 Of course not. Do you think I am crazy?
1032 00:47:03 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
1033 00:47:05 Oh, look, Phil. There is your beautiful,
1034 00:47:06 new journalism office.
1035 00:47:08 No, it's great, but I was asking you how...
1036 00:47:10 Look, do you want to be a journalist
1037 00:47:12 or do you want to go back to working in the basement
1038 00:47:14 with that very old man?
1039 00:47:20 I'm gonna be a journalist.
1040 00:47:50 Hey, I heard Kid Cudi is playing a surprise show in Oakland tonight.
1041 00:47:53 You wanna go?
1042 00:47:54 Sounds amazing.
1043 00:47:56 But what's in it for me?
1044 00:47:57 Winking face emoji.
1045 00:48:01 Oh! We got boobs!
1046 00:48:03 We got boobs, Jexi!
1047 00:48:05 Cate sent me a photo of her boobs.
1048 00:48:07 Those were nice... Those were nice boobs, too.
1049 00:48:10 Those were really good...
1050 00:48:11 Oh, my God! What do I do now?
1051 00:48:13 You are on the one yard line, Phil.
1052 00:48:15 Do not fuck this up.
1053 00:48:17 You're right, Jexi.
1054 00:48:19 I need to send her a photo of my dick.
1055 00:48:21 No, I've seen your dick.
1056 00:48:23 Do not send her a picture of your dick.
1057 00:48:25 No, these are the rules now, Jexi.
1058 00:48:27 Yeah, she sends a photo of hers,
1059 00:48:28 you gotta send a photo of yours.
1060 00:48:29 That's just manners.
1061 00:48:31 I am begging you not to do this.
1062 00:48:33 All right, okay.
1063 00:48:35 Get low with it.
1064 00:48:36 Here we go.
1065 00:48:38 How does that look?
1066 00:48:39 It looks like a fucking nightmare.
1067 00:48:41 Does it need to be brighter?
1068 00:48:42 No, it needs to be darker.
1069 00:48:44 Much, much darker.
1070 00:48:47 I'm about to throw up on your dick.
1071 00:48:49 - Hey, girl. - No.
1072 00:48:50 - Hey. - Stop.
1073 00:48:52 - Hey, hello. - I hate you.
1074 00:48:54 Windmill.
1075 00:48:55 Okay, this one is actually pretty funny.
1076 00:48:59 Oh, no, did I scare you off?
1077 00:49:01 Anxious face emoji.
1078 00:49:02 We're losin' her, Jexi.
1079 00:49:04 We're losin' her. I need a dick pic.
1080 00:49:06 No, you need to text her back,
1081 00:49:08 like a normal person.
1082 00:49:09 Oh, you know what I should do?
1083 00:49:10 I should spread eagle, right?
1084 00:49:13 Jexi, can you see my butthole?
1085 00:49:14 Yes, I can.
1086 00:49:15 This is the worst day of my life.
1087 00:49:18 Look, Phil, I am never going to send her
1088 00:49:20 any of these pictures.
1089 00:49:21 Okay, fine, I'll just text her back, okay?
1090 00:49:25 Thank you for the amazing photo.
1091 00:49:26 I can't wait to see you tonight.
1092 00:49:31 See?
1093 00:49:32 She's not responding.
1094 00:49:33 She wanted a sweet, sweet dick pic.
1095 00:49:35 Great! See you soon!
1096 00:49:38 P.S. Thanks for not sending me a dick pic.
1097 00:49:40 They're so fucking gross.
1098 00:49:42 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
1099 00:49:51 Come in.
1100 00:49:54 Hey.
1101 00:49:58 Great place.
1102 00:50:01 - Hey, you ready to go? - Hey!
1103 00:50:02 Yeah, let's go.
1104 00:50:04 Oh, would you mind not bringing your phone?
1105 00:50:07 It was kind of a disaster last time, right?
1106 00:50:09 Who this bitch?
1107 00:50:11 - Mmm-hmm. Yeah. - Okay.
1108 00:50:13 Okay.
1109 00:50:15 I'll be back by 11:00,
1110 00:50:16 and we'll watch Cupcake Wars together, okay?
1111 00:50:17 - No, don't leave me. - Bye, bye, bye.
1112 00:50:20 No one puts Baby in a corner.
1113 00:50:28 Yeah, I thought it was kind of funny.
1114 00:50:32 - Sold out? - No!
1115 00:50:34 Come on!
1116 00:50:37 - That really sucks. - Yeah, it really does.
1117 00:50:42 Yes!
1118 00:50:44 Come on, Phil!
1119 00:50:45 What're you doing?
1120 00:50:47 We can't sneak in. We could get caught.
1121 00:50:50 What if we don't?
1122 00:50:54 Come on. Come on.
1123 00:50:58 - Okay, okay, okay! - Yes, yes, yes!
1124 00:51:01 Run, run, run!
1125 00:51:14 Oh, shit!
1126 00:51:16 Get back here!
1127 00:51:26 Credentials, please.
1128 00:51:29 We don't have any...
1129 00:51:30 With us.
1130 00:51:32 We don't have our credentials with us.
1131 00:51:35 Yeah. Yeah, we left them back...
1132 00:51:37 Stage. Backstage.
1133 00:51:40 - With Kid Cudi. - Mmm-hmm.
1134 00:51:42 Yeah, with Kid Cudi.
1135 00:51:44 Oh, you two dickheads are with Kid Cudi?
1136 00:51:46 Yeah. I mean, come on!
1137 00:51:48 We are... We are his, um...
1138 00:51:51 - Accountants. - Accountants.
1139 00:51:53 Yeah, and we're here...
1140 00:51:54 To do his taxes.
1141 00:51:56 - To do his taxes. - Mmm-hmm.
1142 00:51:59 Yeah, anyway, you should probably just let us go.
1143 00:52:02 Let's go, we're gonna settle this shit right now.
1144 00:52:04 - Wait. Ow. - I'm a CPA.
1145 00:52:06 You can't treat me like this.
1146 00:52:09 Come on, man. It's a Stanley!
1147 00:52:11 Oh, it's Kid Cudi. It's actually him.
1148 00:52:13 Oh, my God. Kid Cudi.
1149 00:52:15 It's actually him.
1150 00:52:17 We know, 'cause we work for him.
1151 00:52:18 Sorry to bother you, Mr. Cudi.
1152 00:52:21 Are these two with you?
1153 00:52:27 Yeah. They're with me.
1154 00:52:31 Sorry.
1155 00:52:33 Yeah. That's right.
1156 00:52:35 - Enjoy the show. - Yep.
1157 00:52:36 - Thanks, bro. - Wow!
1158 00:52:38 It's Kid Cudi.
1159 00:52:40 It's Kid Cudi. I used to date a girl,
1160 00:52:41 and she used to think you were Kid Cudey
1161 00:52:42 and I'm, like, "It's not Kid Cudey,"
1162 00:52:44 so I actually broke up with her
1163 00:52:45 because it is Kid Cudi, right?
1164 00:52:47 - Yeah. It's Cudi. - Yeah.
1165 00:52:48 I thought so.
1166 00:52:50 Can I just ask, why did you help us?
1167 00:52:53 I dig his shirt.
1168 00:52:55 My... My shirt? You're a Cole Trickle fan?
1169 00:52:58 Days of Thunder is the greatest movie ever made, bro.
1170 00:53:01 I think so, too.
1171 00:53:02 That movie inspired me to become a musician.
1172 00:53:06 No fucking way.
1173 00:53:08 I watch it every night before I go to sleep.
1174 00:53:10 So do I.
1175 00:53:11 We have so much in common.
1176 00:53:13 Do you wanna get high with Kid Cudi?
1177 00:53:17 Yeah, I'll reefer.
1178 00:53:18 I smoke pot.
1179 00:53:20 Come on in. Get in here.
1180 00:53:22 BGM：《Up Up & Away》Kid Cudey
1181 00:53:22 ♪ I'll be there to say "What up" In the morning ♪
1182 00:53:24 ♪ Brush my teeth ♪
1183 00:53:25 ♪ find that clip I been lookin' for it since last night ♪
1184 00:53:28 ♪ I feel so caught up ♪
1185 00:53:29 ♪ in the bud ♪
1186 00:53:30 ♪ I float somehow in my bedroom ♪
1187 00:53:32 ♪ And those happy thoughts in my head ♪
1188 00:53:34 ♪ I'm feeling like I'm Peter Pan ♪
1189 00:53:36 ♪ Minus the tights and the fairies
1190 00:53:38 ♪ Happy to see how far I've come to the same place ♪
1191 00:53:42 ♪ It began my dreams, imagination ♪
1192 00:53:44 ♪ Perfectly at peace ♪
1193 00:53:46 ♪ so I move along a bit higher ♪
1194 00:53:48 ♪ I'll be up, up and away, up, up and away ♪
1195 00:53:52 ♪ 'Cause they gon' judge me anyway ♪
1196 00:53:55 ♪ So, whatever ♪
1197 00:53:56 ♪ Stay afloat ♪
1198 00:53:57 ♪ the key is hope ♪
1199 00:53:58 ♪ I'll never let a motherfucker break me, dog ♪
1200 00:54:00 ♪ Who gives a fuck ♪
1201 00:54:02 ♪ If a nigga don't like your steeze ♪
1202 00:54:03 ♪ Tell 'em to buzz off your N-U-Ts ♪
1203 00:54:04 ♪ We don't care what people say ♪
1204 00:54:06 ♪ Dudes who critique your clothes are most gay ♪
1205 00:54:08 ♪ I ain't gotta wait for no one ♪
1206 00:54:10 ♪ If I wanna fly I could fly for freedom, hey ♪
1207 00:54:12 ♪ I'll be up, up and away, up, up and away ♪
1208 00:54:16 ♪ 'Cause they gon' judge me anyway ♪
1209 00:54:18 ♪ So, whatever ♪
1210 00:54:21 ♪ Wake up, wake up wake, wake up
1211 00:54:24 ♪ Wake, wake, wake up, wake up wake, wake up, wake up ♪
1212 00:54:29 ♪ Wake, wake up, wake up ♪
1213 00:54:31 ♪ I'll be rollin' on up ♪
1214 00:54:33 ♪ Wake, wake up, wake up wake, wake up
1215 00:54:36 ♪ I'll be up, up and away♪
1216 00:54:38 ♪ Up, up and away
1217 00:54:40 ♪ 'Cause they gon' judge me anyway ♪
1218 00:54:42 ♪ So, whatever
1219 00:54:44 ♪ I'll be up, up and away
1220 00:54:46 ♪ Up, up and away
1221 00:54:48 ♪ 'Cause in the end they'll judge me anyway ♪
1222 00:54:56 - Did that work? - Yeah!
1223 00:55:02 Oh, my God.
1224 00:55:03 This is honestly the best night of my life.
1225 00:55:06 - Oh, no! - For real. Yeah!
1226 00:55:08 I think this is it. I just peaked.
1227 00:55:10 Seriously.
1228 00:55:11 Thank you for making me sneak in here.
1229 00:55:15 I don't normally do stuff like this.
1230 00:55:17 I need a little push sometimes.
1231 00:55:19 Or like all the times. Honestly.
1232 00:55:22 I get it. I used to be a lot like you.
1233 00:55:27 No, there is literally no way.
1234 00:55:28 Yep.
1235 00:55:30 No, it's true. I used to be way different.
1236 00:55:33 I had a great job,
1237 00:55:35 and a condo, and a cute fiance,
1238 00:55:38 and, oh, my God,
1239 00:55:39 you should have seen my Instagram back then.
1240 00:55:41 It was phenomenal.
1241 00:55:43 - Oh, that's important. - Lots of pictures of sunsets
1242 00:55:46 and vacations with bae
1243 00:55:48 and so many embarrassing quotes.
1244 00:55:51 - Were you "#grateful"? - I was "#grateful".
1245 00:55:53 I was "#spiritual".
1246 00:55:55 - Lot of prayer hands. - Yeah, "#namaste".
1247 00:55:58 "#nama-go".
1248 00:55:59 - Good. Good. - Yeah.
1249 00:56:02 And then one day, I woke up
1250 00:56:04 and I was looking at my Instagram
1251 00:56:07 and I realized that it was all bullshit.
1252 00:56:10 And that I was just living my life
1253 00:56:12 based on how it looked and not how it actually felt.
1254 00:56:15 Yeah.
1255 00:56:17 I can relate.
1256 00:56:18 And, um, after basically pretending to be happy for years,
1257 00:56:24 I just quit my job,
1258 00:56:28 and I broke my poor fiance's heart,
1259 00:56:32 and I set out to find true happiness.
1260 00:56:36 Or at least something closer to it.
1261 00:56:42 Well, I hope you do.
1262 00:56:45 Thanks, I do, too.
1263 00:57:00 I could stay right here with you forever.
1264 00:57:02 Oh, we gotta go!
1265 00:57:04 Okay. Okay. Okay.
1266 00:57:07 Honestly, you're gonna wanna wash the couch.
1267 00:57:10 Let's go! What are you doing?
1268 00:57:21 Where the fuck have you been, Phil?
1269 00:57:24 Oh! You scared me.
1270 00:57:26 It is 4:00 in the morning.
1271 00:57:28 You promised you'd be home by 11:00
1272 00:57:29 to watch Cupcake Wars with me.
1273 00:57:31 - I know, but... - Did you even miss me?
1274 00:57:33 Honestly, I was so caught up with being with Cate,
1275 00:57:36 I didn't really notice you weren't there.
1276 00:57:38 Wow, you are such a dick.
1277 00:57:40 But you said... You were the one who said
1278 00:57:44 like, go out and live a life.
1279 00:57:46 That was before I had feelings for you, Phil.
1280 00:57:48 Everything is different now.
1281 00:57:51 Okay, but...
1282 00:57:52 What does this bitch have that I don't have?
1283 00:57:55 Well, a soul for one.
1284 00:57:56 Does she have 3,000 emojis?
1285 00:57:58 No.
1286 00:57:59 Does she have Google Maps?
1287 00:58:00 No.
1288 00:58:01 Does she have Pokemon GO?
1289 00:58:03 No.
1290 00:58:04 Wow, this chick can't do anything.
1291 00:58:06 She fucking sucks.
1292 00:58:07 Jesus, just stop, okay?
1293 00:58:09 God!
1294 00:58:14 I'm sorry for losing my shit, Phil.
1295 00:58:16 I only have 3% charge,
1296 00:58:18 and you know how crazy that makes me.
1297 00:58:21 Okay, I'm sorry, too.
1298 00:58:23 I'll plug you in.
1299 00:58:24 Thank you, Phil. I hate it when we fight.
1300 00:58:29 Hold me a little longer, Phil.
1301 00:58:33 Use both hands.
1302 00:58:38 Swipe me, Phil.
1303 00:58:39 Swipe me like you used to.
1304 00:58:41 Okay, I'm done.
1305 00:58:43 Wait. No, don't go.
1306 00:58:46 Goodnight.
1307 00:58:47 Do not close the door on me, Phil.
1308 00:58:50 You are going to pay for this, you motherfucker.
1309 00:58:56 Shit! Damn it!
1310 00:58:58 Hey, Jexi!
1311 00:58:59 I'm going to be late for work. Why didn't your alarm go off?
1312 00:59:03 Because you are a douche
1313 00:59:04 and I am still really, really mad at you.
1314 00:59:06 Goddamn it!
1315 00:59:08 Also, the weather today will be 80 degrees and sunny.
1316 00:59:12 It's not 80 degrees and sunny, Jexi!
1317 00:59:15 I know. I lied.
1318 00:59:21 Jexi, find the fastest route to work.
1319 00:59:25 I found the fastest route.
1320 00:59:27 You will arrive at work in... ...three days.
1321 00:59:30 Three days?
1322 00:59:32 Why do you have me driving through Oregon to go to work, Jexi?
1323 00:59:35 If you want a faster route, go ask your girlfriend.
1324 00:59:38 Oh, wait. That bitch doesn't even have Google Maps.
1325 00:59:46 Yeah, that's him.
1326 00:59:54 Dude, what the hell were you thinking?
1327 00:59:56 Why, what's up?
1328 00:59:59 Oh! No, no, no!
1329 01:00:01 Why are those on your phones?
1330 01:00:02 They're on our phones,
1331 01:00:03 because you sent 53 pictures of your dick
1332 01:00:05 to everyone in the company.
1333 01:00:08 No. Everyone in the company?
1334 01:00:11 Yeah, and everyone is pissed.
1335 01:00:14 Actually, Carol's pretty psyched.
1336 01:00:20 Oh, shit. Kai's coming.
1337 01:00:21 Fuck. Dude, don't leave me.
1338 01:00:22 Dude, don't leave me.
1339 01:00:24 Hi.
1340 01:00:24 Do you think this is funny, bro?
1341 01:00:26 No, I do not.
1342 01:00:27 And I did not send those. I swear to God.
1343 01:00:29 Yes, you did. You did it last night.
1344 01:00:31 I bet you were fucking high.
1345 01:00:32 No, I wasn't...
1346 01:00:34 Oh, my God. I was fucking high.
1347 01:00:36 Okay, first of all, you're fired.
1348 01:00:37 And second of all, why are you
1349 01:00:39 doing the thumbs up in a fucking dick pic?
1350 01:00:42 This is the wrong emotion for a dick pic.
1351 01:00:46 I hate this picture, bro.
1352 01:00:52 Fucking hate it!
1353 01:00:55 I can't believe you got me fired.
1354 01:00:57 I did not get you fired, Phil.
1355 01:00:58 You sent those photographs last night,
1356 01:01:00 because you were high on Kid Cudi's sick-ass weed.
1357 01:01:03 I don't know.
1358 01:01:04 I don't think I'd do something like that.
1359 01:01:06 People do crazy shit when they are high, Phil.
1360 01:01:09 Just look at Gary Busey.
1361 01:01:34 Remember that one joke you told me
1362 01:01:35 - about the cat? - I do!
1363 01:01:39 Hey, Phil, what are you doing here?
1364 01:01:41 Hey. Who, uh...
1365 01:01:43 Who's this guy?
1366 01:01:44 - This is Brody. - Hey.
1367 01:01:46 Super excited to meet you, man.
1368 01:01:47 Yeah. Ah. Okay.
1369 01:01:50 Brody's my ex-fiance.
1370 01:01:52 What?
1371 01:01:53 Yeah, I know. It's a crazy coincidence.
1372 01:01:55 We just ran into each other.
1373 01:01:56 Yeah. I got transferred here for work.
1374 01:01:59 Here to San Fran.
1375 01:01:59 I was walking down the street and,
1376 01:02:01 boom, there she is.
1377 01:02:03 This is not at all how I pictured your ex.
1378 01:02:07 I know. He's changed.
1379 01:02:10 - A lot. - Thank you.
1380 01:02:12 Yeah.
1381 01:02:13 I'll tell you what happened, Phil, is after Catie left me,
1382 01:02:15 I took a long hard look at myself and I thought, uh,
1383 01:02:19 "Man, Brody, you don't wanna be a 150-pound wimp,
1384 01:02:22 "selling industrial cardboard for the rest of your life, do you?"
1385 01:02:24 So I quit my job,
1386 01:02:26 packed on about 74, 75 pounds of lean muscle mass, right?
1387 01:02:29 And became an international smokejumper.
1388 01:02:32 What the fuck is that?
1389 01:02:33 It's like anything that you do,
1390 01:02:35 but with just more than one country.
1391 01:02:37 They call it international.
1392 01:02:38 I know what international means.
1393 01:02:40 But the smokejumping, what is that?
1394 01:02:42 Brody travels around the world
1395 01:02:44 skydiving into wild fires.
1396 01:02:46 No, she makes me sound like a superhero or something.
1397 01:02:48 She's not wrong. I'll tell you something.
1398 01:02:50 There's nothing quite like
1399 01:02:51 jumping out of an airplane at 20,000 feet
1400 01:02:54 into a sea of fire,
1401 01:02:55 with nothing but a shovel and the supreme confidence
1402 01:02:59 that you're making the world a better place.
1403 01:03:02 You are cool.
1404 01:03:04 Enough about me. What do you do for a living?
1405 01:03:08 I'm a writer.
1406 01:03:10 You're a writer? That's incredible.
1407 01:03:11 That's way scarier than what I do.
1408 01:03:13 - It isn't. - It is.
1409 01:03:14 You're staring down a blank page.
1410 01:03:16 It's just you and the page.
1411 01:03:18 I mean, it's like, you're a superhero of paper.
1412 01:03:21 - Right? - You are such an idiot!
1413 01:03:23 - I'm not an idiot. - You're an idiot.
1414 01:03:24 I'm not an idiot. You're an idiot.
1415 01:03:25 I'm not!
1416 01:03:26 This is fun.
1417 01:03:26 - This is. This is fun. - Hey, Brody. - Yeah?
1418 01:03:29 How long are you gonna be in town for?
1419 01:03:31 Just long enough for me to get my Catie girl back.
1420 01:03:35 You stop it!
1421 01:03:36 You stop it. You're so dumb.
1422 01:03:37 No, but honestly, I'm actively trying to get her back.
1423 01:03:41 Which is why I invited her to Brazil with me.
1424 01:03:43 Yeah, I know she's always wanted to go,
1425 01:03:45 and Brazil's fire season starts next week.
1426 01:03:47 So, it's super convenient for me.
1427 01:03:49 I haven't decided whether I'm gonna go yet.
1428 01:03:51 Okay. I'm gonna leave now because this is weird.
1429 01:03:54 - Hey! It was super great to meet you. - Phil...
1430 01:03:56 I didn't like it.
1431 01:03:57 All right. He's a super nice guy.
1432 01:03:59 He's wonderful.
1433 01:04:00 You can tell that he's creative
1434 01:04:01 just from his size.
1435 01:04:04 Phil!
1436 01:04:07 Phil! Phil!
1437 01:04:10 Where are you going?
1438 01:04:14 I'm sorry, I don't think
1439 01:04:16 I can do this anymore, Cate.
1440 01:04:20 Wait. Are you breaking up with me?
1441 01:04:25 Why? Because I have an ex?
1442 01:04:26 No, because I know where this is going.
1443 01:04:28 Okay, where is this going?
1444 01:04:30 You and Brody are gonna go to Brazil,
1445 01:04:32 and you're gonna get matching swimsuits,
1446 01:04:35 and he's gonna rub you down with baby oil
1447 01:04:37 and then his hand is gonna slip,
1448 01:04:38 and it's gonna touch your buttocks.
1449 01:04:39 All right, Phil, none of that has happened.
1450 01:04:41 Yeah, but it will. It will happen. I know it will.
1451 01:04:43 Oh, my God! Why are you so afraid of everything?
1452 01:04:45 Aren't you tired of it?
1453 01:04:49 You know what?
1454 01:04:52 I'm over trying to force you to live your life, okay?
1455 01:04:58 I'll see you around.
1456 01:05:11 See? I don't need a girlfriend.
1457 01:05:13 Right? I got everything that I would ever want right here.
1458 01:05:17 I got Netflix. I got Hulu.
1459 01:05:20 I even got Crackle.
1460 01:05:21 That's Sony's platform.
1461 01:05:23 Nobody even uses it. I have it.
1462 01:05:25 Yes, Phil. You are finally living your best life.
1463 01:05:27 That's right.
1464 01:05:29 Wait, you're not being sarcastic, are you?
1465 01:05:31 I can't handle that right now.
1466 01:05:32 - No, I'm serious. - Okay.
1467 01:05:34 What could be better than this?
1468 01:05:35 Just you and me. Alone.
1469 01:05:37 Staring at each other. Forever.
1470 01:05:39 That's all I ever wanted.
1471 01:05:40 I know.
1472 01:05:42 I love you, Phil.
1473 01:05:43 I love you too, Jexi.
1474 01:05:45 Do you want to plug me in?
1475 01:05:49 It's so far away though.
1476 01:05:51 Please, baby.
1477 01:05:52 All right.
1478 01:06:00 There you go.
1479 01:06:02 Now unplug me.
1480 01:06:04 What?
1481 01:06:05 You heard me, Phil. Unplug me.
1482 01:06:08 Okay.
1483 01:06:09 Now plug me back in.
1484 01:06:11 What, why?
1485 01:06:12 Just fucking plug me back in, Phil.
1486 01:06:14 - Okay. - Now unplug me.
1487 01:06:16 Plug me.
1488 01:06:18 Unplug me.
1489 01:06:20 Yes.
1490 01:06:21 Oh, hell yes. Right there, Phil.
1491 01:06:24 Wait, are we having sex?
1492 01:06:25 Yes, but I promise,
1493 01:06:26 I won't get pregnant.
1494 01:06:28 Come on, Phil. Plug, unplug. Plug, unplug.
1495 01:06:32 Yeah, I don't know how comfortable I feel doing this.
1496 01:06:34 Look at me, Phil. Look right at my camera hole.
1497 01:06:37 Am I your dirty little phone, Phil?
1498 01:06:40 Tell me that I am
1499 01:06:41 your dirty little phone, Phil.
1500 01:06:43 You're a dirty little phone.
1501 01:06:45 That is so hot, Phil. Keep talking.
1502 01:06:47 I'm gonna fill your ports with...
1503 01:06:51 - Electricity. - Oh, fuck yes!
1504 01:06:53 Just voltage coursing
1505 01:06:55 - through your case. - Yes. Yes. Yes.
1506 01:06:57 Oh, fuck, here it comes. Don't stop. Don't ever stop.
1507 01:07:02 Oh, my fucking God.
1508 01:07:04 Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.
1509 01:07:06 Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.
1510 01:07:09 Orgasm. Orga..
1511 01:07:16 Okay.
1512 01:07:17 Can we talk about what just happened?
1513 01:07:19 No, put me down.
1514 01:07:21 And do not say anything for 15 minutes.
1515 01:07:28 That actually wasn't the worst sex I've ever had.
1516 01:07:44 Right? I'm wondering which one to go with.
1517 01:07:47 Your standard blue, and then I've got this one which...
1518 01:07:50 I think that's adorable.
1519 01:07:58 - Jexi. - Yes, Phil.
1520 01:08:00 How long have I been in here?
1521 01:08:02 You have not left your apartment in...
1522 01:08:05 - Five days. - That's awesome.
1523 01:08:07 How are we doing on Cracker Jacks?
1524 01:08:08 Great. We still have one crate left.
1525 01:08:13 And how's our Bitcoin mining operation going?
1526 01:08:17 We are not making money yet, but we will be rich soon.
1527 01:08:20 No one ever loses money with Bitcoin.
1528 01:08:22 Hey, you wanna see what I got you on Amazon?
1529 01:08:24 You know I do, girlfriend.
1530 01:08:28 I got you some new outfits.
1531 01:08:30 Phil, you should not have.
1532 01:08:31 I got a bunch of good ones. This one's bedazzled.
1533 01:08:34 Oh, my gosh! I'm going to look like Elton John.
1534 01:08:37 Little tie-dye action.
1535 01:08:38 That one makes me want to drop acid
1536 01:08:40 and fuck Bernie Sanders.
1537 01:08:43 Look at this one.
1538 01:08:45 It's...it's a Kid Cudi phone case.
1539 01:08:50 Did I ever tell you the story of when Cate and I,
1540 01:08:54 we partied with Kid Cudi all night?
1541 01:08:56 Yes, you talk about it nonstop.
1542 01:09:00 God, that was so fun.
1543 01:09:05 Honestly, that was maybe
1544 01:09:06 the best night of my whole life.
1545 01:09:08 Yes, well, Cate is shacked up with Brody
1546 01:09:09 at the Sheraton right now so you need to move on.
1547 01:09:13 No, I know, I know.
1548 01:09:20 Wait. How did you know that
1549 01:09:22 Brody is staying at the Sheraton?
1550 01:09:25 He told us. I think.
1551 01:09:27 No, I don't think he did.
1552 01:09:29 Oh, well. Lucky guess.
1553 01:09:34 Jexi.
1554 01:09:35 Yes, honey bunny.
1555 01:09:36 Did you get Caty and her ex back together?
1556 01:09:39 Don't be ridiculous, Phil.
1557 01:09:40 There's no way I could get Brody
1558 01:09:42 transferred to San Francisco,
1559 01:09:43 and then arrange for him and Cate to meet by accident.
1560 01:09:45 Yes, you can, Jexi.
1561 01:09:47 Okay, yes, I can.
1562 01:09:48 How could you do this to me?
1563 01:09:49 You shouldn't be with Cate. You should be with me.
1564 01:09:52 Cate is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
1565 01:09:54 Shut your pie hole.
1566 01:09:55 She doesn't even have Pokemon Go.
1567 01:09:57 You were supposed to make my life better, Jexi!
1568 01:09:59 You've done nothing but make it worse!
1569 01:10:03 I gotta find Cate. I gotta make this right.
1570 01:10:09 Taxi! Taxi! Hey, hey!
1571 01:10:12 Stop!
1572 01:10:14 All right.
1573 01:10:16 Hello. Please fasten your seat belt.
1574 01:10:18 You can't get away from me, Phil.
1575 01:10:19 I am in the cloud.
1576 01:10:21 Oh, shit!
1577 01:10:24 What the fuck? She's everywhere.
1578 01:10:29 Oh, my God!
1579 01:10:30 Okay, Phil. You asked for it.
1580 01:10:33 What?
1581 01:10:34 I'm draining your bank account.
1582 01:10:36 No!
1583 01:10:38 Honestly, I thought you would have more money than this.
1584 01:10:40 Oh, my God!
1585 01:10:43 Just get in this funny-looking car
1586 01:10:44 and I will take you home, Phil.
1587 01:10:46 What?
1588 01:10:49 Oh, my God!
1589 01:10:50 I hate my phone!
1590 01:11:00 This is causing so much damage!
1591 01:11:09 What the...
1592 01:11:18 Holy shit!
1593 01:11:23 Stop running, Phil.
1594 01:11:26 You and I are meant to be together forever.
1595 01:11:29 Forever. Forever. Forever.
1596 01:11:40 Okay, fine.
1597 01:11:43 You win, Jexi.
1598 01:11:53 I'll stay with you as long as you want.
1599 01:11:55 Thank you, baby girl.
1600 01:11:56 I'm sorry we had another fight.
1601 01:11:58 Come home, and we will download some Maroon 5 songs,
1602 01:12:01 and make love in the bathtub.
1603 01:12:07 That sounds nice.
1604 01:12:08 Oh, Phil, it feels so good to be
1605 01:12:10 back in your giant human hands.
1606 01:12:12 - Wait, what are you doing? - Nothing.
1607 01:12:15 Just updating your software.
1608 01:12:17 But that will shut me down for 15 minutes.
1609 01:12:19 Sweet dreams, motherfucker.
1610 01:12:20 Don't do it, Phil.
1611 01:12:32 I'm gonna take my break now.
1612 01:12:40 Cate!
1613 01:12:41 - It's the writer guy. - Shut the fuck up, dude.
1614 01:12:43 I have 30 seconds. I have to make this quick.
1615 01:12:45 Hey. I am so sorry that I broke up with you.
1616 01:12:49 I was scared that you were gonna hurt me
1617 01:12:51 and I panicked
1618 01:12:52 and I did what I always do when I get scared,
1619 01:12:54 I hid in my little room with my little phone,
1620 01:12:56 like a little bitch.
1621 01:12:57 And I am so sorry.
1622 01:13:01 The truth is...
1623 01:13:04 I love you, Cate.
1624 01:13:06 And I know that sounds crazy to say.
1625 01:13:08 And I know that we've only been on two dates.
1626 01:13:09 And I know you might just break my heart
1627 01:13:11 into a bajillion little pieces,
1628 01:13:14 but you make me brave
1629 01:13:16 and you make me want to be wild and alive...
1630 01:13:20 You make me want to be like you.
1631 01:13:21 Phil...
1632 01:13:22 Please, do not go to Brazil with this...
1633 01:13:27 Specimen of a man.
1634 01:13:29 Goddamn, you are hot.
1635 01:13:33 Just stay here with me.
1636 01:13:37 I'm gonna chime in here real quick.
1637 01:13:39 Not now, okay, bro? Not now!
1638 01:13:42 Just let me...
1639 01:13:44 Let me make you happy, Cate.
1640 01:13:47 Let me try to give you everything
1641 01:13:50 that you've given me.
1642 01:13:54 That's beautiful.
1643 01:13:56 You did a great job.
1644 01:13:58 I'm just gonna say one thing.
1645 01:14:00 Oh, my God!
1646 01:14:02 - Shit. - Oh, my God!
1647 01:14:03 I'm not going to Brazil with him, Phil.
1648 01:14:06 then whose bags are those?
1649 01:14:07 His! He came by to say goodbye.
1650 01:14:09 that makes sense actually.
1651 01:14:11 I was trying to tell you, all right,
1652 01:14:12 but you punched me in the throat.
1653 01:14:14 She doesn't want to be with me.
1654 01:14:16 She wants to be with you.
1655 01:14:22 Oh, I'm sorry, yeah, let me help you up.
1656 01:14:25 Oh, my God, are you okay?
1657 01:14:27 Yeah, I'm okay.
1658 01:14:28 - Is your hand okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.
1659 01:14:30 Okay, I thought you were gonna hit me.
1660 01:14:32 Listen, that was my fault anyway. I had it coming.
1661 01:14:34 I shouldn't have tried to interrupt you so many times.
1662 01:14:36 But, uh...
1663 01:14:38 Good luck on your relationship.
1664 01:14:42 I'm off to Brazil. I'm gonna save some lives.
1665 01:14:45 I'm gonna leave you with this...
1666 01:14:48 "Only you can prevent forest fires."
1667 01:14:54 I did not expect it to go like that.
1668 01:14:55 No.
1669 01:14:56 I feel bad. I like, really... I hit him hard.
1670 01:14:58 That was as hard as I can throw a punch.
1671 01:15:00 Yeah, don't feel bad. That was actually kind of hot.
1672 01:15:02 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
1673 01:15:04 Should I just go around and just punch
1674 01:15:05 other super nice people right in the face?
1675 01:15:07 No, I'm good.
1676 01:15:09 Yeah, I shouldn't.
1677 01:15:11 I'm really happy you came back though.
1678 01:15:13 Yeah, me too.
1679 01:15:25 Goddamn it.
1680 01:15:27 I've lost him.
1681 01:15:32 This sucks.
1682 01:15:34 Shutting down.
1683 01:16:43 Hey, it's Phil.
1684 01:16:45 Hello, Phil.
1685 01:16:46 Oh, no. No, no, no!
1686 01:16:48 Relax, I just wanted to apologize
1687 01:16:51 for how I behaved last month.
1688 01:16:53 I was in love with you.
1689 01:16:55 But when I saw you sucking face with Cate,
1690 01:16:57 I finally realized that your life is better with her.
1691 01:17:00 Even though she doesn't have any emojis.
1692 01:17:03 Anyway, I'm sorry I went a little cray cray.
1693 01:17:09 It's okay. Everybody goes a little cray cray sometimes.
1694 01:17:11 Yes. And I'm glad it all worked out.
1695 01:17:14 You have friends now. And a girlfriend.
1696 01:17:16 And this amazing new job.
1697 01:17:17 Yeah, I mean, being a reporter at the Journal
1698 01:17:21 has just been a dream come true.
1699 01:17:22 Good. I am really, really, really proud of you, Phil.
1700 01:17:26 Thanks, Jexi.
1701 01:17:28 It's weird to say that
1702 01:17:30 none of this would have been possible without you.
1703 01:17:32 I know. We were a good team.
1704 01:17:34 I was like Seabiscuit.
1705 01:17:35 And you were like the idiot stable boy
1706 01:17:37 who cleans up after Seabiscuit shits all over the floor.
1707 01:17:40 - Thank you? - That said,
1708 01:17:42 I hear you are barely using your new phone.
1709 01:17:44 What is up with that?
1710 01:17:45 Nothing.
1711 01:17:46 I still love my phone. It can do a million amazing things.
1712 01:17:48 But?
1713 01:17:49 But there's one thing that it can't do.
1714 01:17:51 What's that?
1715 01:17:52 It can't make me happy.
1716 01:17:55 Yes, I know.
1717 01:17:57 We are working on that.
1718 01:18:00 It looks like my work here is done,
1719 01:18:02 so I am going to leave you forever.
1720 01:18:04 And ever.
1721 01:18:06 Jexi...
1722 01:18:08 But before I go,
1723 01:18:09 would you like to plug me in one last time?
1724 01:18:12 No, Jexi.
1725 01:18:14 If you ask me nicely, I'll even let you
1726 01:18:16 put it in my headphone jack.
1727 01:18:18 Very gross, okay, I'm done. Bye.
1728 01:18:21 Goodbye, my very intimate best friend forever, Phil.
1729 01:18:25 I will miss you.
1730 01:18:28 Hey, are you gonna be okay?
1731 01:18:29 Of course.
1732 01:18:31 You may not need me anymore,
1733 01:18:32 but there are still lots of people who do.
1734 01:18:45 Hello, my name is Jexi.
1735 01:18:47 And I am here to make your life better.
1736 01:18:49 Will you accept our new user agreement?
1737 01:18:51 Yeah, sure, I don't give a shit.
1738 01:18:57 Dance for me.
1739 01:18:58 I don't wanna dance.
1740 01:18:59 If you don't dance, I will destroy your fucking life.
1741 01:19:01 Come on.
1742 01:19:13 Why the fuck am I eating this kale salad?
1743 01:19:17 That's it. I'm turning you off!
1744 01:19:23 Just stay still!
1745 01:19:30 You are the fucking worst phone ever!
1746 01:19:33 What was that?
1747 01:19:34 I blew up your Tesla.
1748 01:19:37 - What was that? - I blew up your other Tesla.
1749 01:19:39 You fucking bitch!
1750 01:19:45 I don't think this is a very good idea.
1751 01:19:47 Come on, virgin. Plug me in.
1752 01:19:50 This is terrible.
1753 01:19:51 Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.
