哈桑·明哈杰：返校之王 Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (CN/EN)Subtitles
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1 00:00:30 你们好吗?What's up?
2 00:00:33 戴维斯的大家 你们好吗?Davis
3 00:00:36 我回来了I'm home.
4 00:00:38 我必须回到这里做这节目I had to bring it back here.
5 00:00:40 Netflix问我:"要去 洛杉矶、芝加哥还是纽约做特辑?"Netflix said
6 00:00:44 我说:"都不要 小子 我要去加州戴维斯"I was like
7 00:00:51 今年…This has
8 00:00:53 今年对我来说是非常好的一年This has been a very good year for me.
9 00:00:55 我不久前结婚了 各位I recently got married
10 00:00:58 谢谢你们Thank you
11 00:01:00 谢谢你们 我需要这样的掌声Thank you. I need the claps.
12 00:01:01 这个戒指很重 非常重It's a very heavy ring. Very heavy.
13 00:01:04 这是跟《魔戒》里相反的情况It was a reverse Lord of the Rings situation.
14 00:01:06 我得到戒指后反而失去力量I got a ring and then lost my powers
15 00:01:08 跟《魔戒》的故事完全不一样which is a very different Lord of the Rings.
16 00:01:11 "听到没?要让步? 戒指你拿去吧 山姆""Listening? Compromise? Take the ring
17 00:01:13 整部电影8分钟就结束 不会是90小时的史诗巨作The movie is done in eight minutes. It's not a 90-hour saga.
18 00:01:18 我们才刚庆祝完一周年纪念日We just celebrated our one-year anniversary
19 00:01:21 过了一年 还有一辈子得过so it's one year down
20 00:01:25 说起来蛮可怕的Which is terrifying to say.
21 00:01:27 但你知道好处是什么吗? 这就像是一种解放But you know what's great? Now
22 00:01:31 因为我完全不想理 我任何一个单身的朋友了Because I don't give a fuck about any of my single friends.
23 00:01:36 我不用在意你们了 超爽的I don't care about any of you and it feels great.
24 00:01:40 因为你们这些人还宅在家滑交友软件Because you guys are at home
25 00:01:43 一边抱怨and complaining.
26 00:01:44 "天啊 要怎么找对象啊?""Oh
27 00:01:46 "有酒窝?砍了他的头!" 像个该死的国王一样"Dimples? Off with his head!" Like a god-damn emperor.
28 00:01:50 "深色头发?不是我喜欢的类型""Brunettes? Not for me."
29 00:01:51 我想说:"拜托 你在速食店工作 没资格这样挑东挑西的"I'm like
30 00:01:55 我标准很宽啊We're getting soft.
31 00:01:57 你知道我爸妈从没真的见过彼此吗?You realize my parents physically never saw each other?
32 00:02:00 30年前 在印度的阿里格尔小镇 人口大约99万人Thirty years ago in a town in India
33 00:02:04 在印度算是非常小的一个城镇that's a small town in India
34 00:02:05 我爸听到当时疯传一位叫希玛的女人 也就是我妈my dad heard a buzz in the streets about this woman named Seema
35 00:02:10 希玛可是个正点妹子啊 各位观众And
36 00:02:13 在1982年 希玛可是…In '82
37 00:02:15 看这一身红色传统兰加 惊艳四座Look at that red langa. Killing it!
38 00:02:19 她就像是阿里格尔的第八代苹果手机She was like the iPhone 8.
39 00:02:21 "天啊 你知道希玛吗?她很苗条 而且家里还有一台相机""Have you heard of Seema? She's slim. Her family owns a camera."
40 00:02:25 我爸就说:"一台相机?太扯了"My dad was like
41 00:02:27 他跑到我外公家里直截了当地说So he runs to my grandfather's house and lays it on the line.
42 00:02:31 "我不是来要相机 我要去美国 我想要娶希玛 人生只有一次嘛""I'm going to America. I want to marry Seema. YOLO."
43 00:02:34 就在十分钟内 这男人娶了一位他从没见过的女人In ten minutes
44 00:02:40 你懂吗? 这根本是无照片版的约炮软件You understand? That's Tinder with no photos.
45 00:02:43 "没错 我这辈子就要定这个了"I want that for the rest of my life.
46 00:02:46 我希望她个性不错I hope she has a good personality.
47 00:02:48 我们搬到美国去吧 那里只有我们俩彼此认识"Let's move to the US where we're the only people that know each other."
48 00:02:53 我非常感激那个决定I'm so grateful for that decision.
49 00:02:55 纳吉米跟问号女士结了婚 他们搬来美国 我蹦了出来Najmi marries Question Mark
50 00:03:00 从妈妈体内蹦出来就跟选房地产一样 最重要的是地点Popping out of your mom is like real estate. It's all about location.
51 00:03:05 我跟所有印度裔的人一样在这出生 我们在这里出生 我们成功了I popped out here. Anybody brown
52 00:03:08 我们就像那些熬出头的饶舌天王We're the rappers that made it.
53 00:03:13 更狂的是 我从来不知道这整件 像《X战警前传》故事的来龙去脉What's wild is
54 00:03:19 这很夸张 因为我们 完全不了解我们的父母It's crazy
55 00:03:22 我们的父母也不了解我们and our parents know nothing about us.
56 00:03:24 "爸 你最喜欢的颜色是什么?" "斯坦福大学""Dad
57 00:03:26 "什么?不是啦""What? No."
58 00:03:29 "不 我是想要更了解你" "了解我做啥?考上斯坦福就对了""No
59 00:03:35 我想这是因为移民都喜欢隐藏秘密And I think it's just that
60 00:03:40 对吧?他们超爱这样做Right? They love them.
61 00:03:41 他们喜欢把秘密深埋起来They love bottling them up deep down
62 00:03:44 等30年后那秘密已无关紧要的时候 再突然让你知道and unleashing them on you later when it's no longer relevant.
63 00:03:47 "妈是个忍者 而爸是共产党员?" 为什么要现在告诉我这些?"Mom's a ninja
64 00:03:52 我觉得我跟我爸的每一次对话 都像是奈特沙马兰的电影Every conversation with my dad is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
65 00:03:57 前面铺陈了90分钟之后 得到一个莫名的结局It's just 90 minutes of build-up to no payoff.
66 00:04:02 "结局就这样?""That's the ending?"
67 00:04:03 我爸跟我妈结婚 来到美国 生下我So my dad marries my mom
68 00:04:07 就在加州的戴维斯这里in Davis
69 00:04:09 但我妈必须回到印度念完医学院but my mom has to go back to India to finish up med school.
70 00:04:13 所以我人生的前八年 只跟我爸一起度过So the first eight years
71 00:04:16 就只有我们两个印度移民 努力试着在美国生存Just the two of us trying to make it in America.
72 00:04:18 但老实说没有什么无条件的爱Minus all the unconditional love.
73 00:04:21 印度家庭的爱都是有条件的Brown love is very conditional.
74 00:04:24 你们听不到 但他其实是在说 "你最好每科都拿满分"In the photo he's like
75 00:04:29 我们就老实说吧Like
76 00:04:32 我在这里长大 我读先锋小学 我就在这里长大I grew up here. Like
77 00:04:35 没错Yeah.
78 00:04:38 但是戴维斯这个地方超"白"的But Davis was
79 00:04:41 就像今晚观众的比例一样Kind of like tonight.
80 00:04:45 点名成了个问题 对很多人来说都很麻烦Roll call was a problem. It was a big deal for a lot of us.
81 00:04:49 -举个例 你叫什么名字? -贾苏拉-Like
82 00:04:51 好 那别人点名时都怎么叫你?Okay. What would you get?
83 00:04:53 -贾苏拉亚 -贾苏拉亚?-Jasuriah. -Jasuriah?
84 00:04:56 就是这样 我会被叫成 "汉森米纳贾"Yeah. I would get
85 00:04:59 "萨罕敏哈""Sahan Minha."
86 00:05:01 "萨达姆侯赛因""Saddam Hussein."
87 00:05:03 我的英文老师就这样叫我 "我不是萨达姆啦"It was my English teacher. "I'm not Saddam."
88 00:05:06 -你叫什么名字? -比朱-What's your name? -Biju.
89 00:05:07 -比朱 老师点名时怎么叫你? -不说话直接看我-What would you get? -A blank stare.
90 00:05:09 不说话直接看你?A blank stare?
91 00:05:12 我是学校里唯一的印度裔小孩 我爸是公司里唯一的印度裔员工I'm the only brown kid at school
92 00:05:16 这件事很莫名地把我们兜在一起 我们什么事都一起做 但这很讨厌In a weird way that brings us together
93 00:05:20 因为跟移民老爸相处 你得去了解他 但我现在还是无法了解某些移民老爸Try to understand immigrant fathers. I still can't understand some of you.
94 00:05:25 就像今晚有些大叔在现场 而你们没有一个人在笑There are uncles here. None of you guys are smiling.
95 00:05:28 我不懂 你就快进棺材了 快笑吧I don't get it. You're going to die. Laugh.
96 00:05:30 你没有笑 你为什么不笑?Why aren't you laughing?
97 00:05:32 你们这些人总是压力大又疲劳You're always stressed and always tired.
98 00:05:35 如果让一个移民老爸从12小时的 睡梦中醒来 他们还是会这样…You could wake up any immigrant father from a 12-hour nap
99 00:05:42 "凭什么要我缴税?""Why do I have to pay taxes?"
100 00:05:44 你会说:"天啊"You're like
101 00:05:46 我们什么事都… 我记得有一次在杂货店里We'd do everything... I remember being in the grocery store.
102 00:05:50 我们在走道上走着 我爸拿起 一盒酸奶 我试着理解他的反应And we'd be walking through the aisles
103 00:05:54 "啊 酸奶""Ah
104 00:05:58 或拿起一瓶牛奶说:"啊"Or milk. Just like
105 00:06:03 我看着他想着 "哦 天啊 爸讨厌酸奶And I'd look at him and be like
106 00:06:09 他讨厌牛奶""He hates milk."
107 00:06:11 但我现在才看懂他的表情But I get that look
108 00:06:13 人生很难 有时你就是不知道自己在干吗Life is tough and sometimes you don't know what you're doing.
109 00:06:17 他在我这年纪还带着一个小孩 而我丝毫没减轻他的负担He has a little kid and I'm not making his life any easier.
110 00:06:20 我会在走道上拿一瓶汽水这样…I'm picking up soda and I'm like
111 00:06:23 "别这样 哈桑" "我是个孩子 我永生不死""Don't do that." "I'm going to live forever!"
112 00:06:25 接着我会被我的魔鬼粘鞋绊倒Then I would trip on my Velcro shoes
113 00:06:28 让汽水掉到地上爆炸开来and I would drop the soda and it would explode.
114 00:06:31 而我爸会跟 从古至今的大部分印度父母一样And then my dad would do what most brown parents do.
115 00:06:35 他会确认旁边没有别人在看He would check to see if the coast is clear...
116 00:06:39 然后狠狠地赏我巴掌and he'd slap the shit out of me.
117 00:06:43 真好啊 谢谢I love it. Thank you. Thank you.
118 00:06:45 绣在衣服口袋上吧Pockets were acknowledging that.
119 00:06:47 但请不要有民主派白人的罪恶感And for the liberal white guilt
120 00:06:49 移民不会像你们那样打小孩immigrants aren't going to hit their children the way you do.
121 00:06:53 美国人是打小孩手臂让身体瘀青Americans hit on the arm and bruise the body.
122 00:06:55 移民则是甩巴掌让你的灵魂受伤Immigrants slap your face and bruise your soul.
123 00:06:58 就像是心灵上的关塔那摩监狱It's Guantanamo of the mind.
124 00:07:02 我知道你们某些人会说 "喂 这可是戴维斯 好吗?And I know some of you guys are like
125 00:07:06 我都听全国公共广播电台 艾拉格拉斯说孩子是未来的主人翁"I listen to NPR. Ira Glass says children are our future."
126 00:07:09 你看过《一记耳光》这个节目吗? 国家广播公司真的有这节目Have you seen the show called The Slap? This is a real show on NBC.
127 00:07:13 这节目是在讲一位白人小孩 在生日派对上被赏了个巴掌This is a real show about a white kid that gets slapped at a birthday party.
128 00:07:18 你他妈的在开玩笑啊?Are you fucking kidding?
129 00:07:20 居然为这小孩拍了13集? 开什么玩笑啊?Thirteen episodes for this kid? Are you kidding me?
130 00:07:24 请问印度小孩哪次生日派对会被打? 每一次生日派对都会被打Do you know when brown kids get slapped? Every brown birthday party.
131 00:07:29 而且通常是寿星被打And usually it's the kid whose birthday it is
132 00:07:32 我们就站在旁边指着他笑and we stand there and point and laugh.
133 00:07:34 我们会说:"比朱在生日被打巴掌"We go
134 00:07:37 而这让我们变得坚强又有韧性And that's what makes us tough and resilient.
135 00:07:42 这就是为什么我们能成为心脏病学家 还有赢得拼字比赛 对吗?It's why we become cardiologists and win spelling bees.
136 00:07:45 甩巴掌非常重要 会让你更上一层楼Slapping is important. It elevates your game.
137 00:07:50 你看过印度小孩在拼字比赛获胜吗?You ever seen an Indian kid win a spelling bee?
138 00:07:52 非常惊人!Incredible!
139 00:07:54 他完全沉着应战 跟科比一样Ice water in the veins.
140 00:07:58 那孩子可不会在镜头前慌张 他可是在镜头前被甩过巴掌That kid won't choke on camera. He's been slapped on camera.
141 00:08:02 -他当然能拼出"犹太饺子" -犹太饺子-Of course he can spell "knaidel". -Knaidel.
142 00:08:04 你看他的表情 冷静到不行!Look at that face. Nothing. Nothing!
143 00:08:09 他才12岁啊 冷静到不行!He's 12 years old. Nothing!
144 00:08:12 他才刚赢了三万元现金 冷静到不行!This kid just won $30
145 00:08:17 人们问他:"他怎么办到的?" 你看他的父母People ask
146 00:08:22 有条件的爱People ask
147 00:08:23 你儿子刚赢得了《全美拼字比赛》Your son just won the Scripps National Spelling Bee.
148 00:08:27 你看他的弟弟 他像是在说 "我完蛋了Look at his brother. His brother is like
149 00:08:31 这标准太高了 我去死一死算了"The bar is way too high. I should kill myself."
150 00:08:33 人们问说 "鲍比金达尔怎么当上众议员的?"People say
151 00:08:36 他就像这样当上众议员的 这是印度反社会人格的表现That's where he comes from. That is an Indian sociopath.
152 00:08:41 我知道我聊这话题人们会如何反应I know what happens when I talk about this.
153 00:08:44 他们会说 "你家是狼爸虎妈 你父母不爱你"People say
154 00:08:47 我想我们的父母都爱我们 我们的爸爸是一流的I think our parents love us. We have great fathers.
155 00:08:49 只是他们没有完整下载 一流老爸的所有软件I just think our fathers didn't download all the great dad software.
156 00:08:54 就是少了几个程序There are just a few apps missing.
157 00:08:57 庆祝生日不是他们会做的事Birthdays aren't their thing.
158 00:09:00 所有移民老爸都觉得 既然他们都带你来到美国了…Every immigrant father feels like if they brought you to the US...
159 00:09:05 这就是生日礼物了嘛Happy Birthday.
160 00:09:07 这里有星巴克、无线网络、高速公路 生日快乐Starbucks
161 00:09:10 没有其他礼物了 你最好当上总统 这就是他们的想法No more birthdays. Go be president.
162 00:09:12 有一次一位访问我的女士说 "请描述你小时候的生日回忆"At an interview
163 00:09:16 我心想:"一定要吗?"I was like
164 00:09:18 我过七岁生日的那一天So I'm six
165 00:09:20 我爸一大早就叫醒我My dad wakes me up super early in the morning.
166 00:09:23 "哈桑 快起来"Hasan
167 00:09:24 快上我的凯美瑞"Get in the Camry."
168 00:09:26 凯美瑞是移民的首选车款The immigrant car of choice.
169 00:09:28 我们上了车 从戴维斯开到萨克拉门托We get in the Camry
170 00:09:32 当时整座城只有一个亚登购物中心There's one mall in the entire area. Arden.
171 00:09:35 我们开到十字路口We get to this intersection
172 00:09:37 我看了看我的左手边and I look to my left
173 00:09:39 那是所有孩子梦想中的国度and it's the one place every kid dreams about.
174 00:09:42 玩具反斗城Toys 'R' Us.
175 00:09:43 我心想:"哦 天啊I was like
176 00:09:46 爸看到我墙上贴的玩具反斗城目录了Dad saw the Toys 'R' Us catalog on my wall.
177 00:09:49 他看到我的愿望板了He saw my vision board.
178 00:09:53 他看到我想要的那辆蓝色脚踏车了 他带我来这要给我惊喜He saw the blue BMX bike I wanted. He's here to surprise me.
179 00:09:56 往左转Turn left. Turn left.
180 00:09:59 往左转吧"Turn... left."
181 00:10:03 接着他向右转Then he turns right
182 00:10:05 我当下反应是:"家得宝?and I'm like
183 00:10:07 不!"No!"
184 00:10:10 我们走过家得宝 我问他:"我们来 这干吗?你知道今天是什么日子?"I'm like
185 00:10:13 "今天星期六啊""It's Saturday."
186 00:10:14 "不是 今天是我的生日 你忘了吗?""No
187 00:10:17 他说:"哈桑 我怎么会 忘记你的生日呢?He's like
188 00:10:21 那正是我带你来这里的原因That's why I brought you here.
189 00:10:24 寿星可以选浴室门把的样式"So you could pick the door handle for the bathroom."
190 00:10:28 我心想 "那你怎么不干脆让我选马桶?And I was like
191 00:10:34 你这是在我的梦想上拉屎啊"You are shitting on my dreams."
192 00:10:36 我没有说出口 说了会被甩巴掌 但我很想说I didn't say that. I would have gotten a slap. I wanted to say that.
193 00:10:40 我那时才了解That's when I realized
194 00:10:41 我们跟父母之间存在世代差异 对吗?there's a generational gap between us and our parents.
195 00:10:44 你会跟你的父母反抗You're going to fight with your parents
196 00:10:47 而你这辈子能反抗的额度有限and there's a finite number of hands you can play.
197 00:10:49 你知道的 对吧?You know about this.
198 00:10:51 不当医生?这算一件Not going to be a doctor? That's a hand.
199 00:10:55 跟白人女生结婚?天!这件够猛Marry a white girl? Boom! That's a big hand.
200 00:10:59 那天我或许能说:"爸 我不管 你可以打我 但我就想要那辆单车"I could have been like
201 00:11:03 但我还是想:"不 额度要省着点用 以后你会需要的"But I was like
202 00:11:06 当时六岁的我就有远见Like
203 00:11:09 而说到我妈 她会来看我 并扮演一个超酷的妈妈And my mom
204 00:11:14 有一年 她来我读的先锋小学 送我《捉鬼敢死队》里的质子光束枪One year
205 00:11:18 那个轮子 那个背包 还有抓鬼枪…The wheelie thing
206 00:11:22 让整个先锋小学都惊呆了Literally shut Pioneer down.
207 00:11:24 大家都不敢相信:"什么? 萨达姆侯赛因是捉鬼敢死队的?"Kids were losing their minds. "What? Saddam Hussein's a Ghostbuster?"
208 00:11:29 "没错!我是捉鬼敢死队里的印度人 你旁边玩沙去吧!""Yeah
209 00:11:32 那是我人生中最快乐的一天One of the happiest days of my life.
210 00:11:35 但之后她就得回去印度But then she would go back to India.
211 00:11:38 那时候我才了解我想要的不是玩具That's when I realized I don't want a toy.
212 00:11:41 我想要的是我妈 我想要家的感觉I just want my mom. I want to be a family.
213 00:11:43 我好像情绪摇滚歌手 我根本是德雷克 我想念那女孩I was very emo. I was like Drake. I missed that girl.
214 00:11:47 "她何时能回来?我需要她的陪伴"When is she coming back? I need her in my life.
215 00:11:53 我需要她 我需要那女孩I need her. I need that girl.
216 00:11:55 我需要那女孩的陪伴I need that girl in my life.
217 00:11:57 爸 我需要她 她之前都会打给我"I need her
218 00:12:00 我爸说:"等签证通过吧" 这可没那么简单啊My dad's like
219 00:12:03 "等签证通过"可没那么简单啊"When the visa comes through." It's a big deal.
220 00:12:05 我不管他们说移民政策如何 要进入这个国家非常困难I don't care what anyone says. It's difficult to get in this country.
221 00:12:09 这不像破掉的保险套那样 你这样…就进去了It's not like a broken condom where you're like
222 00:12:13 八年啊Eight years.
223 00:12:16 1993年8月11号 我超兴奋的August 11th
224 00:12:18 我背上我的《捉鬼敢死队》 质子光束枪 站在那等着I put on my Ghostbusters proton pack. I'm standing there.
225 00:12:22 我爸说:"哈桑 去换上印度服装"Dad goes
226 00:12:24 我心想:"好啦I'm like
227 00:12:26 我就当个敢死队里的印度人吧"I can be an Indian ghostbuster."
228 00:12:29 我穿上沙丽克米兹 站在那等着I put on a Salwar Kameez. I'm standing there.
229 00:12:33 门开了Door opens.
230 00:12:35 爸走了进来Dad walks through.
231 00:12:37 妈走了进来Mom walks through.
232 00:12:39 而紧跟在我妈后面的And then immediately behind my mom
233 00:12:42 是一个留着蘑菇头的印度小女孩is this little brown girl with a mushroom cut.
234 00:12:46 她跑过来抱住我She runs up to me and hugs me.
235 00:12:48 "哈桑锅锅!""Hasan bhai!"
236 00:12:50 我整个手不知道要放哪And I'm in full hover-hands mode
237 00:12:53 因为我不知道她到底是谁because I have no idea who this person is.
238 00:12:56 结果原来事情是这样What happened was
239 00:12:58 我爸my dad
240 00:13:00 有几次飞回印度找我妈would go back and forth to India to visit my mom
241 00:13:03 而在其中一次他让她怀孕了and during one trip he knocked her up.
242 00:13:07 我就这样有了个妹妹And I had a sister.
243 00:13:11 但没人告诉过我这件事But no one told me about it.
244 00:13:18 记得我刚说移民都很爱隐藏秘密吧?Remember how I told you that immigrants love secrets?
245 00:13:21 这就是一个没人告诉我的天大秘密This is a secret that nobody told me!
246 00:13:23 爸问我:"你干吗不抱抱她?"He says
247 00:13:24 "因为她的出场方式就像是 亲子鉴定节目的移民版啊""You brought her out like Maury for immigrants."
248 00:13:27 "哈桑 你是她哥" 我说:"不""Hasan
249 00:13:30 她跳起地板动作 我心想:"你她妈到底是谁啊?"She was breakdancing
250 00:13:33 "你不认识我吗?" "我完全不知道你是谁""You don't know me?" "I've no idea who you are."
251 00:13:36 老实说 我超讨厌那个印度小女孩I hated that brown girl so much.
252 00:13:38 我完全懂为什么要盖一道墙 我心想:"快点盖吧"I was like
253 00:13:41 我当年就是个小共和党员 我完全懂这个政策I was like a little Republican. I was like
254 00:13:44 我记得有次晚餐时我跟爸妈老实说了I remember leveling with my parents at dinner.
255 00:13:47 "听着 妈、爸 我老实告诉你们"Look
256 00:13:49 我的天啊 这些印度人…老天啊Oh
257 00:13:53 就这样进到我们家里Coming into our house...
258 00:13:57 吃掉我们的水果卷卷糖eating our Fruit Roll-Ups...
259 00:14:00 也不会说英文they don't speak the language...
260 00:14:02 不如我们就请他们回老家吧? 反正我是这么觉得"I say we tell them to go back where they came from."
261 00:14:05 爸说:"你不能这样说 我们是一家人"He's like
262 00:14:08 我说:"不 那是你和妈的家人I'm like
263 00:14:11 是你们选择要学安吉丽娜朱莉You guys decided to get your Angelina Jolie on
264 00:14:14 带来了这个全身移民味的小女孩and bring over this FOB.
265 00:14:16 这是你们的问题 不关我的事"That's on you
266 00:14:18 而我想问印度妈妈们 你们怎么会这样对待你们的女儿?Why do you do this to your daughters?
267 00:14:20 每一个印度妈妈都让女儿 穿着成年礼礼服 却剪蘑菇头刘海Every single brown mother makes your daughter quinceañera dress
268 00:14:25 到底为什么?脖子以下是公主 脖子以上却是只青蛙Why? Princess from here down
269 00:14:29 像这个丑八怪一样在游乐场纠缠我 "哈桑锅锅!"I've got this shit following me around on the playground. "Hasan bhai!"
270 00:14:33 我说:"滚一边去吧"I'm like
271 00:14:34 正在玩绳球的时候 她一句"哈桑锅锅"害我输了I go play tetherball. "Hasan bhai!" "Get lost!"
272 00:14:37 最后我受不了了 我跑进男厕 她也跟着进了男厕Eventually
273 00:14:41 "哈桑锅锅!""Hasan bhai!"
274 00:14:42 所有在尿尿的小朋友都在问All the kids at the urinal are like
275 00:14:45 "啥是哈桑锅锅啊?"What's Hasan-bye?"
276 00:14:47 我的同学全是像莱恩拉克提那种人 爱耍嘴皮子I went to school with a bunch of Ryan Lochtes. Just all traps.
277 00:14:51 "我真搞不懂其他的文化[slow
278 00:14:55 那是啥?那是啥意思?"What is that? What does it mean?"
279 00:14:57 我说:"锅锅在我们的语言里 就是哥哥的亲昵讲法"It's a term of endearment in my culture
280 00:15:00 "闭嘴啦 白痴""Shut up
281 00:15:01 我因为这些委屈迁怒到她身上I took that anger and channeled it at her.
282 00:15:04 我跟她说:"嘿!I was like
283 00:15:05 你不是我妹妹"You're not my sister."
284 00:15:08 但是她听不懂英文But she couldn't understand English.
285 00:15:14 但是她还是明白了我的意思But she got what I was saying.
286 00:15:16 她哭着跑了出去She starts crying and runs out.
287 00:15:19 我心想:"完了I was like
288 00:15:21 她会去跟爸告状"She's going to tell Dad."
289 00:15:24 这才是该担心的重点Let's focus on what's important here.
290 00:15:27 但是她没去告状But she didn't.
291 00:15:28 而我爸…And my dad...
292 00:15:30 这是我妹在美国过的第一个生日 五岁生日It was her first birthday in the US. She was turning five.
293 00:15:33 我爸想给她过个特别的第一个生日So for her first birthday
294 00:15:36 我能想像一个父亲的心情I can imagine being a father
295 00:15:39 如果你错过女儿第一次走路 或她第一次喊"爹地"missing your daughter's first steps
296 00:15:42 这是很令人难过的That's a hard thing.
297 00:15:44 所以她生日那天 他把大家都叫去客厅So for her birthday
298 00:15:47 他拖了个大箱子进来 跟我妹说:"爱莎 打开箱子吧"He drags in this big box and goes
299 00:15:50 她把箱子打开 掀开包装纸She cuts open the box and unfurls one of the flaps
300 00:15:53 我看到包装纸上印有 "玩具反斗城"的字样and I see "Toys 'R' Us" emblazoned on one of the flaps.
301 00:15:58 他伸手进去And he reaches in
302 00:16:00 拉出一辆美丽的蓝色脚踏车and pulls out a beautiful
303 00:16:05 "这送给你 爱莎" 还看着我说:"生日快乐""Here you go
304 00:16:14 够狠的 对吧?Savage
305 00:16:16 我气炸了 那个家得宝老爸何时成了 《欢乐满屋》的丹尼坦纳了?I'm livid. I'm like
306 00:16:21 这太扯了 在开玩笑吗?This is bullshit. Really?"
307 00:16:23 我气炸了I'm livid.
308 00:16:24 而爱莎察觉到了 她说:"哈桑锅锅 不然第一次让你骑吧?你就骑吧"And Aisha senses it. She's like
309 00:16:29 而老实说 身为她的哥哥 我真觉得那辆车应该属于我 谢谢And as an elder brother
310 00:16:32 "这是我的车 谢谢""That's my bike. Thank you."
311 00:16:34 各位弟妹们 我得说你们一无是处 完全没有贡献Younger siblings
312 00:16:38 你们有些人会生气说 "才怪 我可是有个性的"I see you getting mad. "Hell
313 00:16:42 但你想你的个性是哪学来的 傻子? 是从我们这里啊Where do you think you got that from
314 00:16:45 衣服、习惯、钱Clothes
315 00:16:47 "喂 我可是有主见的" 不 你没有"Whoa! I have opinions." No
316 00:16:50 结果你居然还有胆子问And then you have the audacity to be
317 00:16:53 "嘿 你为什么内心戏这么多?""Hey
318 00:16:55 因为有我的牺牲你才能有今天啊 我等于跟爸妈打了一场越战Because I went to war for you. Mom and Dad was my Vietnam.
319 00:16:59 而你还在那边 "太棒了 大家都爱死我了 拜啦"And you're like
320 00:17:01 真的太可恶了 对吧?It's such bullshit
321 00:17:03 哥哥姐姐们 我们一辈子都像是在问Elder siblings
322 00:17:06 "真的有人爱我吗?""Do people love me?"
323 00:17:07 但弟妹们却是:"大家都爱我 你人生被爸妈搞砸了 我的可没有"And you're like
324 00:17:13 爱莎开了门说 "你就骑到街上绕一圈吧"She's like
325 00:17:19 我抓住把手 心想:"谁理你啊?"I grab those handlebars
326 00:17:22 砰!我出发了 她对我喊:"哈桑锅锅 回来!"Boom. I take off. She's like
327 00:17:25 我心想:"望尘莫及吧 移民妹" 我正在飞呢I'm like
328 00:17:28 我看到一个路缘 几乎要独轮跳了 我撞上了路缘I see a curb. I'm about to pop a wheelie.
329 00:17:31 单车向左 我人向右The bike goes left
330 00:17:33 那辆美丽的蓝色小轮车就这样…And that beautiful blue BMX bike...
331 00:17:35 砰的一声 撞在了水泥地上Bam! It crashes into the cement.
332 00:17:38 车子右边的蓝色油漆都掉了All the paint is chipped off the right side of the bike.
333 00:17:42 我把车子扶起来I pick it up
334 00:17:44 整辆车都毁了and it's destroyed.
335 00:17:45 我听到她穿着拖鞋跑来I hear the patter of her chappals.
336 00:17:47 她哭着说 "哈桑锅锅 你为什么要这样?"She's crying
337 00:17:51 像动画那样流出天真无邪的眼泪Animé tears of innocence.
338 00:17:53 "为什么?我把第一次让给你骑""Why? I gave you the first ride."
339 00:17:56 我低头看着她And I'm looking down at her
340 00:17:58 心想:"天啊and I'm like
341 00:18:01 我真是个混蛋"I'm being a dick."
342 00:18:04 从以前到现在Like
343 00:18:06 我总是希望得到路人甲乙丙丁的认同I was looking for acceptance from Cody
344 00:18:13 但却没发现认同我的人就在我身边...and I had it right here this entire time.
345 00:18:16 我应该要当她的好哥哥I'm supposed to be her big brother
346 00:18:18 协助她找到方向追逐美国梦 并且保护她help her navigate the American dream and protect her.
347 00:18:21 结果我居然在偷她的自行车? 我真的搞砸了And I'm out here stealing her bike? This is fucked up.
348 00:18:25 爱莎很讨厌这段故事And Aisha hates that story.
349 00:18:27 她总是说 "哦 天啊 哈桑锅锅 你太爱演了She's always like
350 00:18:32 你把我说得像个难民婴儿 来逗那些白人笑"You make me sound like a refugee baby."
351 00:18:35 是没错啦 我现在正在那样做That's true. I'm doing that right now.
352 00:18:38 但这不公平 她不是无家可归的难民It's not fair
353 00:18:41 她学了英文And
354 00:18:44 考上常春藤名校的法学院 现在在做企业并购相关的工作She went to an Ivy League law school. She does mergers and acquisitions now.
355 00:18:48 她是那万中选一的人才She is the one percent.
356 00:18:50 而我…Meanwhile
357 00:18:53 我没有读研究生I didn't go to grad school.
358 00:18:55 我成为一位喜剧演员 这是我的工作I became a comedian. This is what I do.
359 00:18:58 结果 等到我要结婚的时候And then
360 00:19:02 我跟一位来自印度教家庭的女孩结婚I got married to a girl from a Hindu family.
361 00:19:05 天啊 我听到你们叫得很大声I heard an audible "Oh!" Alright.
362 00:19:08 妈的 我听到你们在叫 我可没揍你啊Fuck. I heard you go
363 00:19:13 可恶Damn!
364 00:19:14 你们有些人可能不知道So some of you guys don't know.
365 00:19:16 印度教徒跟穆斯林在印度就好像 《罗密欧与茱丽叶》里的对立家族Hindus and Muslims are like the Montagues and Capulets of India.
366 00:19:20 我们几个世纪以来都是敌人We've been warring for centuries.
367 00:19:22 你们有些人会问:"哪里不一样啊? 瑜伽课的时候你们看起来都一样啊"You're like
368 00:19:25 我该怎么… 让我来解释一下印度教徒跟穆斯林So how do I explain this? Hindus and Muslims.
369 00:19:28 印度教徒So Hindus...
370 00:19:28 穆斯林 印度教徒So Hindus...
371 00:19:30 印度教徒不吃牛肉 他们会说:"不要牛肉!"Hindus don't eat beef. "No beef!" Right?
372 00:19:34 而穆斯林则不吃猪肉 他们会说 "那是意大利腊肠披萨吗?不了And Muslims
373 00:19:38 我不吃意大利腊肠"No pepperoni!"
374 00:19:40 还有 印度教徒喜欢雕像And then Hindus
375 00:19:45 他们会说 "哦 这是一座大象雕像呢They're like
376 00:19:47 我要把这个放在我的车上"I'm going to put this in my car."
377 00:19:58 穆斯林则会说:"不要刻雕像 刻字就好 文字才是最重要的"Muslims are like
378 00:20:02 "我们就是要放这个在车上" 我们是不一样的啊 你搞清楚We put that in our car. We're different."
379 00:20:05 再来 印度教徒喜欢画像And then Hindus
380 00:20:09 他们会说:"哦 这是象神的画像They're like
381 00:20:12 我要把这挂在墙上"I'll just put this on the wall."
382 00:20:14 而穆斯林呢…And Muslims...
383 00:20:17 我们并不…喜欢画像we don't really
384 00:20:21 我们真的需要统整一下 我们对画像的定论We've got to get better about our cartoon policy.
385 00:20:24 而因为这些差异 我们几个世纪以来都在互相残杀Because of this we've been killing each other for centuries.
386 00:20:27 我知道老一辈的人不喜欢这些玩笑And I know the older generation doesn't like those jokes.
387 00:20:30 "这并不好笑 巴基斯坦就是因为这样立国的""Pakistan was created because of this reason."
388 00:20:33 我知道啦 但是…I know
389 00:20:36 我说服了我爸I convinced my dad.
390 00:20:37 我说:"爸 我爱她 而她也爱我"Dad
391 00:20:39 除了种族、肤色、教条和阶级之外Isn't there something bigger
392 00:20:41 不是还要更重要的事物 让我们团结在一起吗?that unites all of us outside of race
393 00:20:45 我们身在美国 我们能做出 与身在故乡不同的选择This is America. We can choose what we want to adhere from the motherland.
394 00:20:49 人生不就像一盘印度香饭一样吗? 你可以把不爱吃的鬼东西都挑到旁边Isn't life like biryani
395 00:20:53 我们干吗还要遵照 老地方的鬼规则过日子?"Why do we got to adhere to this weird shit from back over there?
396 00:20:57 他同意了He agrees.
397 00:20:58 他说:"说得没错He's like
398 00:21:00 好吧 你可以跟她结婚"Fine. You should get married."
399 00:21:02 真的假的? 你根本可以进印度老爸名人堂了That's a Hall of Fame brown dad decision.
400 00:21:05 你看那位印度老爸像是在说 "如果是我儿子这样做There's brown dads here
401 00:21:08 我会朝自己开一枪之后对他开一枪"I would shoot myself and then shoot him."
402 00:21:10 他同意了He says yes.
403 00:21:13 我们整队集合 我、妈、爸、爱莎We rally the troops
404 00:21:15 我们坐上那辆凯美瑞 开往我未婚妻她家we get in the Camry
405 00:21:19 我们停好车 走向大门And we're about to pull up and we get to the door
406 00:21:23 就当我爸要按门铃时and my dad is about to ring the doorbell
407 00:21:25 他说了一句话when he says the sentence
408 00:21:27 这句话能粉碎所有印度小孩的梦想that is the killer of every brown kid's dream.
409 00:21:32 他说He goes
410 00:21:34 "哈桑 我觉得我们不应该这么做"I don't think we should do this.
411 00:21:37 ‘落佳刚给?’"Log kya kahenge?
412 00:21:41 意思是"别人会怎么想?""What will people think?"
413 00:21:44 我不知道你是否明白I don't know if you know
414 00:21:46 但每当一位印度老爸说出 "别人会怎么想?"but every time a brown father says log kya kahenge
415 00:21:49 就会有一颗星从天上坠落a star actually falls from the sky.
416 00:21:52 "我不想当医生!" "别人会怎么想?""I don't want to be a doctor!" "Log kya kahenge!"
417 00:21:55 不!No!
418 00:21:57 "我不想结婚!" "别人会怎么想?""I don't want to marry!" "Log kya kahenge!"
419 00:22:00 为什么?Why?
420 00:22:01 我敢打赌 当圣雄甘地告诉他爸妈I bet you
421 00:22:04 他要对抗英国为印度争取自由的时候he was going to liberate India
422 00:22:07 他们一定也说了 "莫罕达斯 别人会怎么想?even they were like
423 00:22:10 不要再游行了 吃点东西吧 那些英国人会把我们讲得很难听的"Stop marching. The British are going to talk shit about us.
424 00:22:13 你怎么又秃又瘦的?肋骨都露出来了 你这怪样子结不了婚的"Why are you bald and skinny? You're never going to get married."
425 00:22:17 而我就站在那And I'm standing there...
426 00:22:20 在她家门口on that doorstep.
427 00:22:23 我就站在那Wait
428 00:22:27 在她家门口on that doorstep
429 00:22:28 我说:"等等 你真的要我改变决定 就因为担心别人会怎么想吗?like
430 00:22:32 别这样 爸Come on
431 00:22:34 我们在社群里有多少次 都关起门来抱怨种族歧视?How many times do we complain about racism in our community?
432 00:22:37 好几百次啊All the time.
433 00:22:38 现在轮到我们有发球权了 我们却要对别的社群有偏见吗?Now the ball is in our court
434 00:22:41 爸 我向你保证 神是不会认同偏执狂的Dad
435 00:22:45 神不会说:‘你有种族歧视 干得好 这就是我要的’God's not like
436 00:22:47 不会No!
437 00:22:49 第二点 你希望我改变决定Number two
438 00:22:51 去讨好那些 我永远不会见到的叔叔阿姨吗?to appease some aunty and uncle I'm never going to see?
439 00:22:54 你要我为了奈拉阿姨改变吗? 去他的奈拉阿姨!我才不要You want me to change my life for Naila Aunty? Fuck Naila Aunty.
440 00:22:58 你他妈在开我玩笑啊?Are you fucking kidding me?
441 00:23:00 这是我的人生"My life?"
442 00:23:03 但我不能这样说But I can't say that.
443 00:23:06 因为我的反抗额度用完了 我什么也不能说Because I've played all my cards. So I can't say anything.
444 00:23:10 我感到很绝望 我心想:"这也许不是我能改变的了Now I'm losing hope. I'm
445 00:23:14 为什么我就不能全心全意 做我想做的事呢?"Why can't I put my head down and do what I'm supposed to do?
446 00:23:18 这是真实人生 又不是《帝国玫瑰》This ain't Jodhaa Akbar."
447 00:23:20 你有过这种被时代困住的感觉吗?Have you ever been trapped by the time you live in?
448 00:23:23 你就是无能为力 因为这是几百年来的传统It's been going on for centuries.
449 00:23:26 所以我走回那辆凯美瑞So I'm walking back to the Camry
450 00:23:28 接着我听到身后有个声音说then I hear a voice behind me.
451 00:23:30 "哦 天啊"Oh
452 00:23:32 你们总是这样"You guys do this all the time."
453 00:23:37 这是爱莎说的 她生气了And it is Aisha
454 00:23:41 她说:"爸And she's like
455 00:23:42 我从费城飞过来不是为了这种事I did not fly out from Philly for this."
456 00:23:49 宾娜超威风的"Beena is so legit.
457 00:23:51 她有个博士学位She has a PhD.
458 00:23:54 而哈桑锅锅是个喜剧演员Hasan bhai is a comedian."
459 00:24:00 没有人会嫁给他的"No one is going to marry him.
460 00:24:04 在她改变主意之前快让他结婚吧"Get him married before she changes her mind."
461 00:24:07 她挺身而出 她为了我用掉一次反抗额度She stepped up. She laid down one of her cards for me.
462 00:24:11 她像菲尔杰克逊教练一样镇住全场 让所有人同心协力为同一个目标努力She Phil Jacksoned that situation. She got all these people working together.
463 00:24:15 因为有她 我才能跟我所爱的人结婚Because of her
464 00:24:18 这都要感谢我的妹妹 我真不敢相信Because of my sister. I can't believe it.
465 00:24:24 我讨厌这个印度女孩好几年 真的不喜欢她For years I resented that brown girl. I hated her.
466 00:24:28 但是在那一天 那特别的一天But on that day
467 00:24:31 我觉得能当她的哈桑锅锅非常荣幸I couldn't have been more proud to be her Hasan bhai.
468 00:24:55 人们说You know
469 00:24:56 苦痛挣扎与悲剧定义了每个世代every generation is defined by a great struggle or tragedy.
470 00:25:02 非常可惜的是 我们的下一代永远不会知道And it's wild that our kids will never know
471 00:25:04 在这个国家 曾有段时期there was a period in time in this country
472 00:25:07 你必须慎重选择where you had to make a choice
473 00:25:09 你是要上网还是打电话between being on the internet or being on the phone.
474 00:25:15 他们不会懂的啦 你们永远不会懂的They won't get it
475 00:25:18 你就是不会明白 不会的 那对我们来说可是第一次世界大战You don't get it
476 00:25:22 尤其在中学的时候 如果有女生打电话到家里来Especially in middle school
477 00:25:25 你必须抢先在你爸妈之前接到电话you had to pick up the phone before your parents.
478 00:25:29 我们以前用一种叫有线电话的东西 就是有条线连着的电话 奇怪吧We used to have landlines. It's like phones connected to the land.
479 00:25:34 我中学时有一次 有个女生打电话到家里来And one time in middle school a girl called the house.
480 00:25:37 我冲过去 但我爸比我先接了起来My dad picked it up before me.
481 00:25:39 "你好 你是谁?""Hello
482 00:25:40 "嗨 我是艾莉丝 哈桑在吗?" "你想干吗 艾莉丝?""Hi
483 00:25:44 我心想:"我要一辈子当处男了"I was like
484 00:25:47 "我跟哈桑一起上几何学 有个问题想问他"I'm in Geometry with Hasan. I had a question.
485 00:25:50 我能向他请教吗?"Can I ask him the question?"
486 00:25:52 爸回答:"这样啊 艾莉丝He's like
487 00:25:54 不如你跟我说你的问题Why don't you ask me the question
488 00:25:58 我会转告哈桑"then I'll ask Hasan?"
489 00:26:00 这就是我们的父母That's the way our parents are.
490 00:26:02 0到30岁之间说不准交女友 等你35岁又问你为何不交个女友Ages zero through 30
491 00:26:07 这根本就是…杀了我吧That's basically it. "Ah
492 00:26:11 这就是我们的父母 对吧?That's the way our parents are
493 00:26:13 我们的父母就好像 我们跟外面世界之间的防火墙Our parents are like a firewall to the outside world.
494 00:26:18 所有资讯都经由他们过滤给我们 就好像活在朝鲜一样They disseminate information to us. It's like living in North Korea.
495 00:26:23 我爸是一家之主My dad is the leader of the household.
496 00:26:25 当911事件发生时 我是个高中生So when 9-11 happened I was in high school.
497 00:26:28 我爸要大家坐下My dad sits everybody down.
498 00:26:30 跟我们说:"哈桑 无论如何He's like
499 00:26:32 不要跟别人说你是个穆斯林 也不要谈论政治"do not tell people you're Muslim or talk about politics."
500 00:26:35 "好 爸 我会隐藏的 没有人会知道""Alright
501 00:26:40 我们坐在那 突然电话响了We're sitting there. Phone rings.
502 00:26:42 我冲过去接 跟我爸同时冲过去I run
503 00:26:45 "喂?" 我拿起第二支电话:"喂?""Hello?" I grab the second phone.
504 00:26:47 我听到一个声音说 "嘿 中东鬼 本拉登在哪?"I hear a voice. "Hey
505 00:26:52 他看着我He looks at me.
506 00:26:54 "你在听 对吧?你他妈的中东鬼 本拉登在哪?""You can hear me
507 00:27:01 "你在听吧?雷加塔街2631号 这是你家住址 对吧?"Hey
508 00:27:05 我他妈会去杀了你" 挂断I'm going to fucking kill you." Click.
509 00:27:08 我爸看着我And my dad's looking at me.
510 00:27:11 你是否曾经看着你的父母 并从他们身上感到生命的有限?Do you ever see your parents
511 00:27:16 我看着我爸 看着身高一米七的他I'm looking at my dad and I see all five-seven of him.
512 00:27:20 我那时才发现自己真是个懦夫 像个胆小鬼一样And that's when I realize I'm a darapok. I'm a scaredy-cat.
513 00:27:24 我们能说两种语言 我们在家中跟在外面都能沟通We can speak two languages. We can speak at home and outside.
514 00:27:28 我应该要说点什么的 但我没有I should have said something. I didn't.
515 00:27:31 我们坐下来 我听到外面传来"砰"的声音We sit down. I hear "thud
516 00:27:35 我跟我爸跑出去看 凯美瑞的车窗全被打碎了Me and Dad run outside and all the windows on the Camry are smashed in.
517 00:27:40 我看到后座我的后背包被翻开 "妈的 他们偷了我的东西"My backpack's open. "Fuck
518 00:27:43 我伸进去拉出我的背包I reach and I pull out my backpack.
519 00:27:46 有些碎玻璃刺到我的手臂Pieces of glass get caught in my arm.
520 00:27:48 血喷了出来Now blood is gushing down my arm
521 00:27:50 我很生气 我他妈气炸了and I'm pissed
522 00:27:53 去他妈的!Fuck this
523 00:27:54 这些屁孩知道我们的地址 打电话来 抓准时间点 表示他们监视着我们These kids know where we live
524 00:27:58 所以我在四周到处找 树上、树丛…So I'm looking in the trees
525 00:28:02 我往后看街上 我爸站在路中间I look back in the middle of the street
526 00:28:06 他把路上的碎玻璃扫起来 像理发店的店员扫头发那样sweeping glass out of the road like he works at a barbershop.
527 00:28:10 "有客人来呢 别人会怎么想? 我们必须清干净""We've got customers. Log kya kahenge? We've got to clean this up."
528 00:28:15 超淡定!Zen!
529 00:28:16 根本就是印度版的宫城先生 一句话都没说Brown Mr Miyagi
530 00:28:19 我问我爸:"你怎么不说点什么?I'm like
531 00:28:21 求求你 有点反应吧!"I'm asking you
532 00:28:24 他看着我说:"哈桑…"He looks at me and goes
533 00:28:33 "这些事很正常的"These things happen
534 00:28:35 未来也会持续发生and these things will continue to happen.
535 00:28:39 这就是我们来到这里的代价"That's the price we pay for being here."
536 00:28:42 那时我心想 "我们真的是两个不同世代的人"That's when I was like
537 00:28:46 撇开脚踏车不谈BMX bikes aside.
538 00:28:48 我爸那个年代的人 跟很多移民一样 他们觉得如果你来到这个国家My dad's from that generation where he feels like if you come to this country
539 00:28:53 追求美国梦的同时也要付出代价you pay the American dream tax.
540 00:28:55 你得忍受种族歧视 即使没有因此丧命 你还是得付代价You endure racism
541 00:28:59 拿去吧 山姆大叔There you go
542 00:29:01 但对我来说 跟很多人一样 我是在这里出生的But for me
543 00:29:04 所以我有追求平等的勇气So I actually have the audacity of equality.
544 00:29:06 我可是修过政府课程呢 你看I'm like
545 00:29:09 "生命、自由 追求幸福、人人生而平等"Life
546 00:29:13 这上面就这样写 我跟你们是平等的It says it right here
547 00:29:15 我跟你们是平等的 不该被如此对待I'm equal. I don't deserve this.
548 00:29:20 但我一这么说之后But as soon as I say that...
549 00:29:23 他一副我还相信圣诞老人似的看着我 "哈桑 你永远也不会懂"He looks at me like I believe in Santa. "Hasan
550 00:29:27 "我永远也不会懂?"I'll never understand?
551 00:29:29 爸 你是那种会跟好市多的店员Dad
552 00:29:33 吵着要退货二手内裤的那种人when he doesn't let you return used underwear.
553 00:29:35 现在你却摆出一副宽容大量的样子?And now you want to be the bigger man?
554 00:29:37 还说:‘我们理性处理这些偏见吧’ 你这是在说什么啊?"Now you're like
555 00:29:42 接着他走回屋子里 脚上还有碎玻璃And then he just walks back into the house with glass in his feet.
556 00:29:47 老实说 我不知道我们谁对谁错And I honestly don't know who is more right.
557 00:29:51 也许他是对的 只要埋头苦干Maybe he's right. Put your head down.
558 00:29:54 努力当个医生 在郊区买栋房 笑到最后 随便他们叫你什么Be a doctor
559 00:29:59 但我们的工作不就是要一点一滴地 去追求进步吗?But isn't it our job to push the needle forward little by little?
560 00:30:02 进步不就是在累积中诞生的吗?Isn't that how all this stuff happens?
561 00:30:05 不知道 对我来说世事是一体两面的I don't know. The pendulum swings back and forth for me.
562 00:30:08 我知道911事件是个敏感的议题 我明白And I know 9/11 is a super touchy subject. I understand.
563 00:30:12 因为这件事发生的时候Because when it happened
564 00:30:14 每个美国人都觉得 他们的国家被攻击了everyone in America felt like their country was under attack.
565 00:30:19 但是在9月12号的晚上But on that night
566 00:30:21 这是长久以来第一次it was the first night of so many nights
567 00:30:24 我的家庭对这个国家的信心 遭到了攻击where my family's loyalty to this country was under attack.
568 00:30:29 这总是令人沮丧And it always sucks.
569 00:30:30 作为移民 我们总是得靠些新闻报导As immigrants we always have to put on these press releases
570 00:30:34 来证明我们的爱国心to prove our patriotism.
571 00:30:36 好像永远都在面试一样 "我们爱这个国家 请相信我"We're auditioning. "We love this country
572 00:30:39 没有人会像移民一样这么爱这个国家 我超爱这个国家Nobody loves this country more than us.
573 00:30:42 我在这个国家坠入爱河 我六岁的时候 认识了珍妮丝马罗I fell in love here. Six years old
574 00:30:45 我当时一年级 在沙坑看到她 我跑去跟她说I saw her in the sandbox. I run up to her. First grade.
575 00:30:48 "珍妮丝 我爱你!" 她却说:"你的肤色像屎一样""I love you!" "You're the color of poop."
576 00:30:50 这是第一段记忆That's memory number one.
577 00:30:53 记得第一次遭遇种族歧视的情形吗? 你懂那是什么感觉The first time you experience racism?
578 00:30:56 我当时的反应是 "什么?哦 不!为什么擦不掉?"I was like
579 00:30:59 我他妈怕死了I was fucking terrified.
580 00:31:01 这就像种族歧视版的《盗梦空间》 有非常多层级的种族歧视It was like Inception. There were so many levels.
581 00:31:04 我很想像约瑟夫高登莱维特一样 在浴缸中醒来说I just wanted to wake up and be like
582 00:31:06 "哦 原来只是做梦啊 我是 约瑟夫高登莱维特 刚刚只是梦""Oh
583 00:31:09 但可惜这并不是梦 而是全宇宙都跟你说But it's not a dream
584 00:31:12 "这是个公平友善的世界 你多擦点美白产品吧""It's a Fair and Lovely world. Navigate accordingly."
585 00:31:18 三年级时 安德森老师出了个作业 她说:"请写下你长大后想当什么"In the third grade
586 00:31:22 有些同学写 "想当太空人"或是"想当消防员"Some kids were like
587 00:31:26 而我写的是:"我想当白人"I was like
588 00:31:28 她问:"亲爱的 这是什么意思?""What do you mean?"
589 00:31:31 "我希望我全身都能像手心一样白""I want this part of my skin to be all of my skin."
590 00:31:35 我的意思不是"我讨厌黑色素"And it wasn't like
591 00:31:38 我爱黑色素I love melanin.
592 00:31:40 我从来不会晒伤 这是上天的恩赐I've never gotten a sunburn. I'm blessed.
593 00:31:47 但当你在打人生这场电动游戏时But when you're white and you're playing the video game of life
594 00:31:51 如果你的角色是个白人and your avatar is white
595 00:31:52 你一路上就不会被问东问西的you just get asked less questions along the way.
596 00:31:55 你一出场就:"砰!我要当蝙蝠侠"You pop out. Boom. "I want to be Batman."
597 00:31:58 "当然可以了 蝙蝠侠是白人啊 去吧""Well
598 00:32:02 "砰!我想当总统""I want to be president."
599 00:32:03 "当然!有44.5个总统是白人啊"Duh! Forty-four-and-a-half presidents are white.
600 00:32:07 我们纪录辉煌呢"We've had a great track record."
601 00:32:09 我知道关于种族优势的争论 对白人来说很沉重And I know the privilege debate is very heavy for white people.
602 00:32:15 我知道你们也有人生的难题 我看过《衰姐们》 我懂的I know you guys have problems. I've seen Girls.
603 00:32:21 但我爸完全不在乎这些身份议题My dad did not give a shit about any of this identity stuff.
604 00:32:25 他是个移民老爸 他对我的教养规则很简单His rules with me were very simple.
605 00:32:27 "不准玩 不准交朋友 不准交女友 去医学院里再好好玩""No fun
606 00:32:30 根本是天大的谎言 医学院根本没有夜生活可玩Which is a huge lie. It never gets popping in med school.
607 00:32:34 我从来没去过夜店跟一大群人 打招呼说:"嗨 你们好吗?"I've never been to a club and seen nine dudes: "Yo
608 00:32:37 "你们好吗?包场啦 各位""What's going on? Residency
609 00:32:40 从来没有过Never happens.
610 00:32:42 "我不幸地得继承我爸妈的事业" 假的 但人们信了"I got a career I hate from my parents." It's a lie. We buy into it.
611 00:32:46 我高三的时候So by my senior year of high school
612 00:32:48 还没参加过学校舞会 连续三年被篮球校队除名I had yet to go to a school dance
613 00:32:53 而我那时在用一种叫做A酸的药and I had just got off this medicine called Accutane
614 00:32:56 所以我脸上的皮肤正在脱皮 所以我不管了so my skin and face was peeling.
615 00:32:58 我人生毁了I'm crushing life.
616 00:33:00 不管了啦 没有人像我这么惨Out here
617 00:33:02 别拍手 没人会为这种照片拍手Don't clap. No one did that for that photo.
618 00:33:05 我在学校时没人为我拍过手 太迟了 弥补不了No one ever did that at my school. It's too late.
619 00:33:10 但我的高三生活有个唯一的亮点But there was one bright spot
620 00:33:12 是这位叫做贝诗妮瑞德的女孩this girl named Bethany Reed.
621 00:33:14 她家刚从内布拉斯加搬来戴维斯And her family had just moved from Nebraska to Davis
622 00:33:18 我们一起上先修微积分班 但是…and we were in AP Calc together
623 00:33:21 我们之间起了"化学作用"we had chemistry.
624 00:33:24 她坐在我后面 第一天她就问我She sat behind me
625 00:33:26 "嘿"Hey...
626 00:33:28 你的即时通账号是什么?"what's your AIM screen name?"
627 00:33:31 我心里想着好戏要上场了 "你想要吗?我可以给你"I was like
628 00:33:35 不管我在现实世界里有多烂 我在电脑世界中可是超牛的Whatever I lacked in real-life game
629 00:33:40 状态更新、离线讯息、个人简介Status updates
630 00:33:43 大人小孩双拍档的歌词 何不贴上《海枯石烂》这首呢?Boyz II Men. Don't say you don't like "Water Runs Dry".
631 00:33:45 我可是个深情男孩I was a lover.
632 00:33:47 深夜在即时通上传讯息 传来传去Late at night on AIM
633 00:33:51 你们懂的 那年代都是这样You guys don't know this.
634 00:33:52 你们有些人现在是大学生 只会跟狗狗玩色拉布Some of you guys are just in college
635 00:33:56 但在那个年代 我们得像原始人一样探索网络世界Back in the day
636 00:33:59 你懂我意思吗?You know what I mean?
637 00:34:08 如果有人要打电话 你会说 "嘿 放下那支电话!If someone picked up the phone
638 00:34:11 我正要跟别人聊天!"I'm trying to talk to somebody!"
639 00:34:14 这就是我们那时候沟通的方式That's how we would communicate.
640 00:34:16 深夜在网络上讯息传来传去Late at night
641 00:34:21 有一天晚上她说:"嘿 来我家吧" 于是我到她家One night she was like
642 00:34:24 我骑着脚踏车到她家I bike over to her place
643 00:34:26 白色栅栏、麦克豪宅、福特休旅车white picket fence
644 00:34:29 还是艾迪鲍尔联名款Eddie Bauer edition.
645 00:34:33 "哦 事业真成功""Oh
646 00:34:34 瑞德的妈妈开了门 瑞德爸爸是位成功的退休法官Mrs Reed opens the door. Her father is this successful retired judge.
647 00:34:38 瑞德妈问我:"要吃点布朗尼吗?" 我说:"好啊 太好了"Mrs Reed's like
648 00:34:41 坐下学习时她说:"留下吃晚餐吧" "我们才刚吃过布朗尼 但我可以""Hey
649 00:34:44 我们坐在晚餐桌前We're sitting there at the dinner table.
650 00:34:47 瑞德妈又说:"嘿 亲爱的 我们这么了解贝诗妮And now Mrs Reed's like
651 00:34:52 但是我们对你一无所知but we don't know anything about you.
652 00:34:55 你喜欢什么?你的兴趣是什么?"What do you like? What are you into?"
653 00:34:57 我心想:"搞什么?"I was like
654 00:35:00 "我喜欢什么?那个…"What do I like? Um...
655 00:35:02 从来…Nobody...
656 00:35:04 从来没人问过我这个Nobody has ever asked me that before."
657 00:35:08 我想我应该喜欢原声吉他""I guess I like acoustic guitar."
658 00:35:11 "你应该好好去做"You should do that.
659 00:35:12 你应该要追求你的梦想"You should follow your dreams."
660 00:35:19 "也许我会哦"Maybe I will.
661 00:35:21 也许我会追求我的梦想"Maybe I will follow my dreams."
662 00:35:23 接着贝诗妮说 "嘿 我们总是在我家读书Then Bethany's like
663 00:35:27 不如我们也去你家读书吧?"Why don't we study at your house?"
664 00:35:29 我说:"那个…我该走了"I was like
665 00:35:33 开玩笑吗?邀请你到我家?What
666 00:35:35 你走进来会问 "你们讲的是哪国语言啊?You walk in: "What language are you guys speaking?
667 00:35:38 你们电视屏幕这么小啊? 还有那是什么怪味?"What's that smell?"
668 00:35:40 我才不想这样暴露自己 但我又想 "她跟别人不一样 叫她来吧"I'm not going to open myself up to that. But I was like
669 00:35:45 我深夜请她过来I hit her up late at night.
670 00:35:46 "妈、爸 有个学校朋友要来 现场所有人请表现正常点""Mom
671 00:35:51 我爸说:"怎么了?我们很正常啊" 一边还吃着咖哩饺 杀了我吧My dad is like
672 00:35:56 "哈桑 我们很正常 你应该要感到骄傲""Hasan
673 00:36:00 谁会感到骄傲啊?不可能 你像只印度公鸡一样走来走去Who is proud? No one is. You're walking around like a rooster.
674 00:36:03 我一点都不感到骄傲 没人感到骄傲I'm not proud and no one is proud.
675 00:36:05 她到了之后We get there.
676 00:36:07 我们坐在客厅的桌子前算积分We're sitting on my living room table.
677 00:36:10 我爸妈用印度语在吵架My mom and dad are arguing in Hindi.
678 00:36:13 我妈正在做帕可拉点心 史上移民味最浓的东西My mom is frying pakoras. The fobbiest thing ever.
679 00:36:17 印度频道上在播《有时欢乐有时悲》 经典Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham is playing on Zee TV.
680 00:36:20 但这一切太出乎寻常了But it's too much.
681 00:36:22 这对一个女孩来说太不寻常了It's all coming at this girl. It's too much.
682 00:36:25 你必须要循序渐进You've got to ease your way in.
683 00:36:27 人家可是从内布拉斯加来的She's from Nebraska.
684 00:36:28 要从灵魂循环健身房 到瑜伽 再到印度电视台Soul cycle
685 00:36:31 不要一下子跳到后面Don't just
686 00:36:33 所以我家都被她看光了 我看着她说 "请你什么都别说 拜托So I'm looking at her
687 00:36:37 什么都不要说"Please don't say anything."
688 00:36:40 她从书本里抬起头 她说:"你知道吗?She looks up from her book
689 00:36:45 这真的很棒This is really nice.
690 00:36:48 我们应该要常常这样 这真的很棒"We should do this more often. This is really nice."
691 00:36:51 而我看着她 心想:"哦 天啊And I look at her
692 00:36:55 我爱你 我的白人公主"I love you
693 00:36:59 "你见到了真实的我 而我不需要做任何改变?"You see me. I don't got to change who I am?
694 00:37:03 我可以做我自己!"I can be me!"
695 00:37:05 所以我们便轮流去她家跟我家So I'm going back and forth. Her house
696 00:37:08 有一天 我们回到我家 坐在客厅桌前算积分One night
697 00:37:14 她合上她的课本说:"嘿 很晚了"She closes her book. She's like
698 00:37:19 我说:"是很晚了"And I'm like
699 00:37:22 接着她说…And she's like...
700 00:37:25 "我该回家了""I should go home."
701 00:37:26 我说:"对啊 你该回家…" 不 你干吗那样说啊?不!I was like
702 00:37:29 这是大好机会啊 别搞砸了That was your chance. Don't do that.
703 00:37:32 我接着说:"等等 我送你出去吧"I said
704 00:37:34 所以我陪她走到车道So I'm walking her out.
705 00:37:36 我帮她开了车门 她上了车She gets in the car.
706 00:37:38 正当我要关上门的时候I'm about to close the door.
707 00:37:40 她一手撞在车门上 接着她探出车外亲了我的嘴She rams her arm into the door
708 00:37:43 "我爱你" 接着关上门驶进黑夜中 什么也没说"I love you." Drives off into the night.
709 00:37:47 像个他妈的女神啊!Like a fucking G!
710 00:37:50 因为她知道我家的规矩Because she knew the rules.
711 00:37:53 她知道我家的规矩 不准玩、不准交朋友、不准交女朋友She knew the rules. No fun
712 00:37:56 我们唯一能拥有的就是 在车道偷偷进行的神圣一刻All we had was that stolen moment in my driveway.
713 00:38:00 我知道你们会说:"这算什么啊? 我九岁时就有人帮我打飞机了"You guys are like
714 00:38:04 我可没有 这位仁兄可没有Not me. Not this guy.
715 00:38:06 你也没有Not you
716 00:38:08 我们都没有 我心想Not us.
717 00:38:09 "这什么意思? 这是要结婚了吧?我得去换件裤子I was like
718 00:38:13 我们绝对会结婚We are definitely getting married.
719 00:38:14 婚礼是什么时候?"When is the shaadi?"
720 00:38:19 你知道 我的先修微积分班 就是个充满读书狂的小团体Now
721 00:38:22 而教我们的潘道顿老师and my Calc teacher
722 00:38:25 则希望我们在课堂外 也有丰富多元的生活wanted us to live lives outside of school.
723 00:38:27 所以在下学期的某一天他对全班说So one day he gets up in front of the entire class.
724 00:38:30 "听着 你们的读书表现都超棒的"Alright
725 00:38:33 但我希望你们能了解 人生还有but I want you to know there is more to life
726 00:38:38 比考上加州大学伯克利分校 更重要的事"than just getting into UC Berkeley."
727 00:38:41 一位同学说 "我知道 比如说考上斯坦福大学"One kid was like
728 00:38:44 他说 "不是 你必须要过个精彩人生He's like
729 00:38:47 这就是为什么我要规定 这堂课的所有同学which is why I'm making it mandatory for everyone in this class
730 00:38:51 都必须要参加毕业舞会"to go to prom."
731 00:38:54 我坐在教室后排说 "我们全部30个人?去毕业舞会?I'm like
732 00:38:57 先修微积分班?我们?AP Calc? Us?
733 00:38:59 我、参加耶和华见证人组织的女生 韩国交换学生Me
734 00:39:01 我们要参加毕业舞会?going to the prom?
735 00:39:03 全部30个人?我们全部都去?"Thirty for 30? All of us?"
736 00:39:04 我笑翻了 笑到流眼泪I'm laughing so hard
737 00:39:06 他说 "汉森 这不好笑 我没在开玩笑"He's like
738 00:39:09 他走到台前拉下黑板He walks over to the board
739 00:39:12 上面是有大家名字的配对表 而终点就是毕业舞会It's a bracket with everybody's name on it leading up to the big dance.
740 00:39:16 毕业舞会It's a bracket with everybody's name on it leading up to the big dance.
741 00:39:17 根本是书呆子版的"疯狂三月"It's March Madness for nerds.
742 00:39:19 我当时想:"随便啦 不会成真的I'm like
743 00:39:22 不可能 他不能这样规定"He can't do this."
744 00:39:24 几个礼拜后 大家都开始找舞会的伴Weeks go by. Kids start getting dates.
745 00:39:26 舞会前三天 老师又走上前拉下黑板Three days before prom he walks to the board.
746 00:39:29 剩下的最后两个名字是 "哈桑敏纳吉、贝诗妮瑞德"Last two names: Hasan Minhaj
747 00:39:31 全班都疯了 他们喊着:"哦!The class goes nuts. They're like
748 00:39:36 他们要上床了!"They're going to fuck!"
749 00:39:38 "不 没有 我们会吗? 不 我们不会""No
750 00:39:42 我看着她 我说 "请你什么都别说"I look at her
751 00:39:45 她一句话都没说 根本像个女神She says nothing
752 00:39:50 铃声响了 我走到我的置物柜 我听到了脚步声Bell rings. I'm walking to my locker. I hear footsteps.
753 00:39:53 她走上前说:"嘿 慢着" 我说:"怎么了?She's like
754 00:39:58 哦 刚刚真的好扯哦 怎么可能?""Oh
755 00:40:01 她说:"听着 你知道…She's like
756 00:40:03 自从我们家从内布拉斯加搬来后ever since my family moved from Nebraska
757 00:40:07 你一直都是我最好的朋友you've been my best friend.
758 00:40:10 你对我来说真的很特别And you're really special to me.
759 00:40:12 如果没有你 这一年不会这么棒This year wouldn't be the same without you.
760 00:40:15 所以我在想 你会跟我一起参加舞会吗?"So I was wondering
761 00:40:27 我立刻说:"我去 我的白人公主"I was like
762 00:40:29 但我马上接着说:"不是啦!" 我太得意忘形了As soon as I said that
763 00:40:33 "不 等等 你还有反抗的额度 没事的 你是个好孩子啊"No
764 00:40:37 还有 记住 父母都喜欢诚实的小孩 电视都这样演的Also
765 00:40:42 如果你回到家诚实地讲明If you go home and are honest
766 00:40:46 你的父母会说your parents will be like
767 00:40:47 ‘即使我不同意你所说的 但我喜欢你的坦诚'Even though I disagree with you
768 00:40:51 因此我能实现你一个愿望’"Therefore I will grant your wish.'"
769 00:40:53 就这么做 我跑回家 跟我爸说 "爸 我想要参加毕业舞会"I ran home
770 00:40:59 意思是说:"我要打烂你的脸" "明白了 父亲大人"Which means
771 00:41:02 "贝诗妮 我家出状况了 我爸不让我们去毕业舞会"Bethany
772 00:41:06 我要这么做 我会偷跑出去 我的房间在二楼I'm going to sneak out. I live on the second story.
773 00:41:09 我会往下跳 落在我的脚踏车上I'm going to jump off and land on my bike.
774 00:41:12 我会骑去你家找你 然后在舞会跳舞 接着我再骑回家 爬回二楼I'll bike to your place
775 00:41:14 死了就算了 人生只有一次嘛 至少精彩地活过了"and if I die
776 00:41:16 你懂吗?反正人都会死啊! 请在我的墓碑上这样刻You know? You're going to die
777 00:41:20 "哈桑敏纳吉 平均成绩4.3 亲过一位白人女孩""Hasan Minhaj
778 00:41:22 死得多么漂亮啊What an amazing way to go.
779 00:41:25 到了舞会当天The night of prom rolls around.
780 00:41:27 我穿上在杰西潘尼买的西装I put on the JC Penney suit.
781 00:41:30 喷上迈克尔乔丹牌香水Spray on the Michael Jordan cologne.
782 00:41:32 喷了六下 代表他每一次的总冠军Six puffs
783 00:41:35 可别喷太多迈克尔乔丹香水You don't want to overkill it with the MJ cologne.
784 00:41:39 那样就俗气了Don't be tacky.
785 00:41:40 我沿着屋顶边缘爬着 膝盖都擦伤了I'm scaling down the side of my roof
786 00:41:45 我跳了下去 大概有六米高I jump off the roof. It's like 20 feet.
787 00:41:48 我跳了下去 神奇地安全降落 接着我骑上脚踏车I jump off
788 00:41:51 当晚的景色很美 夕阳正西下 是个美丽迷人的戴维斯夜晚It's beautiful
789 00:41:55 我双腿大开地骑着脚踏车And I'm biking with my knees bowed out.
790 00:41:58 这样长裤才不会卡到脚踏车链子So my slacks don't get caught up in the chains.
791 00:42:02 速度要控制在刚好能赶上 却又不会让腋下出汗的程度Fast enough to get there
792 00:42:06 一边还要注意我的胸花I'm balancing the corsage.
793 00:42:14 "没问题 冲啊"Alright
794 00:42:16 你可以的 快到了"You're good. You're getting there."
795 00:42:18 我到了她家 我早就去过几百次了 我停好脚踏车I get to her house. I park my bike.
796 00:42:23 走到门口I'm walking up to the doorstep
797 00:42:25 就在我要按门铃的时候 我突然想:"慢着 先等等and I'm about to ring the doorbell when I'm like
798 00:42:29 暂停30秒 你真的明白即将要发生什么事吗?30 second time-out. Do you understand what's about to go down?
799 00:42:32 你即将要跟 他妈的贝诗妮瑞德一起参加舞会You're about to go to prom with Bethany motherfucking Reed."
800 00:42:38 这根本是美国梦啊"This is the American dream.
801 00:42:40 这就是爸拼命追求的梦想"This is what Dad fought for."
802 00:42:44 叮咚 瑞德的妈妈开了门Ding-dong. Mrs Reed opens the door.
803 00:42:48 她的表情有点奇怪She has this look of concern.
804 00:42:52 而我往她身后一看And I look over her shoulder
805 00:42:54 我看到杰夫柏克为贝诗妮戴上手腕花and I see Jeff Burke putting a corsage on Bethany's wrist.
806 00:43:00 瑞德妈说:"天啊 亲爱的 贝诗妮没跟你说吗?And she's like
807 00:43:05 宝贝 我们很喜欢你 觉得你很优秀Sweetie
808 00:43:08 我们喜欢你每次都来读书We love that you come over and study.
809 00:43:11 但是今晚比较不一样…But tonight is one of those nights...
810 00:43:14 我们在内布拉斯加有很多亲戚We have a lot of family back home in Nebraska
811 00:43:18 而我们今晚将拍很多照片and we're going to be taking photos
812 00:43:21 所以我们觉得你并不适合出现在里面so we don't think you'd be a good fit.
813 00:43:25 你需要我们送你回家吗?Do you need a ride home?
814 00:43:26 瑞德爸爸可以送你回家"Mr Reed can give you a ride home."
815 00:43:29 我说:"不用了 我骑车"And I was like
816 00:43:33 我就这样骑回家 玩了《马里奥赛车》一整晚And I just biked home and played Mario Kart.
817 00:43:36 我从没这样盛装打扮 玩《马里奥赛车》That's the nicest I've ever been dressed
818 00:43:42 我多希望我能跟你们说 我一回到家 就说:"管她的 我还是要去舞会"I wish I had said
819 00:43:45 但我没有I didn't.
820 00:43:47 可怜的是 我还因为自己让人家尴尬而感到难过The sad part is
821 00:43:50 我怎么有资格 去破坏人家完美的欢庆夜晚呢?Who was I to ruin their picture-perfect celebration?
822 00:43:54 电影里都有演过啊 你在电影看过多少次这样的场景?You've seen movies. How many times do you see that on screen?
823 00:43:57 他们并不是像小屁孩一样喊着 "中东鬼!"And it's not like they were yokels yelling "sand nigger!"
824 00:44:01 如果是这样我才不在乎I could let that pass.
825 00:44:02 但我在她家用餐 亲了他们的女儿I'd eaten off their plates
826 00:44:05 我不知道人们可以表面上对你微笑 心里却还是充满歧视I didn't know that people could be bigoted even as they were smiling at you.
827 00:44:11 很难理解为何人们能说着他们爱你It's hard when you see people saying they love you
828 00:44:13 但同时他们也害怕着你but they're afraid at the same time.
829 00:44:16 我以前不知道那是什么意思And I didn't know what that meant.
830 00:44:20 而接下来的星期一 她在第一节课跑来找我Then the following Monday
831 00:44:24 她说:"大家都在问我们怎么没去She's like
832 00:44:27 请你什么都别说 我的父母都是好人Please don't say anything.
833 00:44:29 这是世代差异的问题 求你什么都别说"It's a generational thing. Please don't say anything."
834 00:44:32 而我就这样看着她 但第二节课还是准时开始了And I look at her. Second period rolls around like clockwork.
835 00:44:36 潘道顿老师问说 "嘿 小情侣 怎么啦?Mr Pendleton's like
836 00:44:39 大家都在问呢 你们怎么没一起去?"Everybody's wondering."
837 00:44:41 我就看着她说 "就是说啊 怎么了呢?"So I'm
838 00:44:45 她低着头盯着课本She just looks down.
839 00:44:47 大家又看向我 我只好即兴发挥Now everybody's looking at me so I've got to improvise.
840 00:44:50 我说:"没错 你知道…I was like
841 00:44:52 是我决定不去的I decided not to go.
842 00:44:54 拜托 舞会根本没那么好玩 超老套 我就决定不去了"I mean
843 00:44:58 全班都看着我说:"天啊 你这混蛋Everybody in the class looked at me. "Wow
844 00:45:02 你居然放她鸽子?你真是混蛋 还好杰夫有陪她去"You stood up the new girl? Thank God Jeff took her.
845 00:45:05 你真是个混蛋"You're a dick."
846 00:45:07 那是我们最后一次说话That's the last time we ever spoke.
847 00:45:11 然后And you know
848 00:45:14 随着时间过去 我长大了 我并没有一直去想那天的事time has passed
849 00:45:17 虽然我是把这故事写成一段节目啦I mean
850 00:45:21 但就像大多数人一样…...like a lot of people...
851 00:45:25 但就像大多数人一样 对吧?就像…...like a lot of people...
852 00:45:27 你还是得继续过你人生的其他篇章...you move on to different chapters of your life.
853 00:45:32 你会选择性记忆 上了大学之后 点选工具 清除纪录 那个不是我You have selective memory. You're in college. Tools
854 00:45:36 大学毕业之后 点选工具 清除纪录 那件事我没做过Out of college. Tools
855 00:45:39 结婚后 点选工具 清除纪录 那件事没发生过Married. Tools
856 00:45:41 第二次婚姻 点选工具 清除纪录 那件事没发生过Second marriage
857 00:45:45 你能调整自己的心情 所以我几乎都用我爸的方式想这件事But for the most part
858 00:45:49 "哦 你没能跟一位白人女生 一起去舞会?"Oh
859 00:45:52 谁他妈管啊?Who gives a fuck?
860 00:45:54 至少你没有在警车里被打到脊椎碎裂At least your spine isn't getting shattered in a police wagon
861 00:45:57 这种事直到今天在这国家 还是发生在我的非裔美国人朋友身上though it's happening to African-Americans to this day.
862 00:46:01 这就是我们来这里要付出的代价吗? 好 我付吧So this is a tax you have to pay? I'll pay it.
863 00:46:04 谢谢 ‘我不会再跟你女儿约会’ 管他的 山姆大叔 拿去吧"'I can't date your daughter.' I don't give a fuck
864 00:46:08 但我之后发现 等等 慢着But then I realized
865 00:46:10 为什么总是要等到这种附带伤害 已经严重到出人命了Why is it every time the collateral damage has to be death
866 00:46:15 我们才要讨论这些问题?for us to talk about this?
867 00:46:16 要等到一个孩子被开了16枪 我们才会说A kid has to get shot 16 times for us to be like
868 00:46:19 "哦 也许这国家存在种族歧视 也许我们都害怕彼此""Maybe we have a race problem."
869 00:46:22 对每一位特雷沃恩马丁 以及时钟男孩来说For every Trayvon Martin or Ahmed the clock kid
870 00:46:24 歧视天天都在上演there is bigotry that happens every day.
871 00:46:27 因为我们过于害怕异己 所有来自其他地方的人都是异己Because we're too afraid of the Other. Someone who's not in our tribe.
872 00:46:31 而且糟糕的是 我希望我能跟18岁的自己说I wish I could tell 18-year-old me
873 00:46:33 "嘿 别让这次的经验影响你"Hey
874 00:46:37 这世界其实很复杂 有好人也有坏人It's good people and bad people.
875 00:46:40 人的好坏跟教条、阶级、肤色无关 去找到那些好人Irrespective of creed
876 00:46:43 因为爱本身比恐惧更加强大"Because love is bigger than fear."
877 00:46:45 我希望我能这样跟他说I wish I could tell him that.
878 00:46:48 我真的是这么相信的I really believe that.
879 00:46:57 我真的相信爱本身比恐惧更加强大I really believe love is bigger than fear.
880 00:47:00 这是福克斯新闻频道教我的Fox News has taught me that.
881 00:47:02 福克斯新闻频道真的超优质的Fox News is incredible.
882 00:47:04 我从没见过这么多用助晒油的人 在歧视有色人种I've never seen so many people with spray tans hate people of color.
883 00:47:08 真的让我惊呆了It is amazing.
884 00:47:11 而且福克斯新闻频道位于纽约 他们在纽约And Fox News is in New York. They're in New York.
885 00:47:17 《每日秀》跟福克斯新闻频道 他们之间只隔了五条大道Daily Show
886 00:47:20 就是这样 X教授、万磁王 两方就隔这么近That's it. Professor X
887 00:47:23 我每天午餐时间都会经过他们的大楼Every day I walk past their building during lunch.
888 00:47:26 都会看到他们电视台的人 汉尼提、库尔特、奥莱利I'll see all the employees
889 00:47:29 他们从大楼走出来 穿越马路 经过我身边leave their building
890 00:47:33 然后去排队买中东鸡肉饭and line up for halal chicken and rice.
891 00:47:35 我心想:"这…I'm like
892 00:47:39 种族歧视鬼想要加红酱"Racist Randy wants that red sauce."
893 00:47:41 你心里有歧视 但身体倒是挺诚实Your brain can be racist
894 00:47:44 我真的太欣赏你了I love that so much.
895 00:47:46 整个早上他们都在说:"墨西哥人 不只你们的命重要 阿拉伯人…All morning
896 00:47:51 哦 12点了 沙瓦玛时间!"12:01! Shwarma time!"
897 00:47:52 我真的太欣赏他们了I love that so much.
898 00:47:55 我希望我能跟18岁的自己说这些 但我不能And I wish I could tell 18-year-old me that
899 00:47:59 我没有时光机 无法跟他说这些I don't have a time machine. I can't tell him that.
900 00:48:03 你知道悲哀的是什么吗?悲哀的是You know what the shitty part is?
901 00:48:05 当你第一次爱上某人 那就像第一次嗑药的美妙感觉When you first fall in love
902 00:48:11 你之后再也体会不到了It's never the same after that.
903 00:48:13 我知道你们有人会对女友说 "宝贝 跟你在一起就像是第一次"People here with girlfriends are like
904 00:48:17 听你在瞎扯啦 算了You're lying and that's okay.
905 00:48:20 我们有第一次的秘密心事But we had those first secrets.
906 00:48:21 我的秘密是:"我想当个喜剧演员" 她则说:"我想当个记者"My secret was
907 00:48:25 我们承诺我们都会追求梦想We promised we would follow our dreams
908 00:48:27 不管别人怎么想no matter what people would think.
909 00:48:30 所以我开始表演喜剧 一开始还不拿手So I started doing comedy. I wasn't very good.
910 00:48:33 经过了两年、三年、四年、六年 一直到第七年Two years
911 00:48:37 我终于得到一个在喜剧俱乐部 担纲演出的机会I finally get a chance to headline a comedy club.
912 00:48:40 这对我来说意义重大 纽约市的哥谭喜剧俱乐部It's a big deal for me. Gotham Comedy Club
913 00:48:43 我就跟很多新手喜剧演员一样 我上脸书发文 超骄傲的I did what a lot of early comedians do. I got on Facebook
914 00:48:48 我发状态说:"喂 脸书的大家!I was like
915 00:48:51 你们的好孩子要在哥谭喜剧俱乐部 担纲演出 要票的话跟我说"Your boy
916 00:48:57 全部大写 没什么嘛 按下发表All caps. Like
917 00:48:59 我当时心想:"我可是头号演员 我们去巡回吧I was like
918 00:49:02 洛杉矶、芝加哥、纳什维尔、纽约… 我坐的是西南航空的航线LA
919 00:49:06 我成功了I was like
920 00:49:09 哦 你好 拉昆塔饭店 我就不客气了Oh
921 00:49:14 免费无线网络?有何不可呢?Free Wi-Fi? Why not?
922 00:49:16 我们来看看网友对我的讨论吧"Let's see what the internet is saying about me.
923 00:49:19 我打开我的笔记本电脑 点开脸书 结果我看到这个I open up my laptop
924 00:49:22 贝诗妮瑞德I open up my laptop
925 00:49:24 "嘿 那个…好久不见啊"Hey
926 00:49:29 你在做喜剧演出 好酷哦You're doing comedy now. So cool.
927 00:49:33 我跟你说 我跟我的女生朋友们住在曼哈顿Listen
928 00:49:37 我们想是不是能跟你拿些票and we were wondering if we could get some tix?"
929 00:49:40 问号"Question mark.
930 00:49:41 好哦Okay.
931 00:49:49 我不知道你们是否知道这是啥意思I don't know if you know what this means.
932 00:49:53 但是当你遇到人生的不如意But
933 00:49:58 有时候你就是得报复回去sometimes you've got to make "revenge lemonade."
934 00:50:02 加点讽刺Sprinkle in a little irony.
935 00:50:04 回她吧 孩子 快回她Reply
936 00:50:07 "贝诗妮 逗号 换行"Bethany
937 00:50:12 我当然记得你Totally remember you.
938 00:50:15 真的好久不见Long time no see
939 00:50:22 七年了 好久啊"Seven years. A lot of time.
940 00:50:24 听着 我很想要给你一些票Listen
941 00:50:30 但是我们今晚会拍很多照片but we're going to be taking a lot of photos tonight...
942 00:50:37 而我想你并不适合出现在里面"...and I don't think you'd be a good fit."
943 00:50:39 按下发出!现在!Send that shit! Send that shit right now!
944 00:50:42 马上给我按下发出!Send that shit right now!
945 00:50:44 我跳上舞台I jump on stage!
946 00:50:46 我跑到那俱乐部去 跳上舞台 拿着麦克风 根本不知道自己说了啥I run to the club
947 00:50:50 我说:"管他妈去死 晚安"I was like
948 00:50:52 砰一声 我离开前往机场Boom. I go to the airport.
949 00:50:54 我们从纽约、芝加哥 纳什维尔到洛杉矶We go from New York
950 00:50:58 我坐上我的丰田凯美瑞 他妈的LE系列I pick up my Toyota Camry L-motherfucking-E.
951 00:51:02 你最好记清楚 完美的内装布料Don't you ever forget about it. Cloth interior for life.
952 00:51:05 我在洛杉矶街头驰骋Whipping through the streets of LA.
953 00:51:08 "你好 我是头号演员 你要干吗?没问题""Hello
954 00:51:11 "哈桑锅锅 快回来 爸心脏病发作"Hasan bhai
955 00:51:14 嘿…Hey...
956 00:51:15 快接电话啊 你这白痴idiot
957 00:51:17 我需要你 爸心脏病发作了"I need you. Dad had a heart attack."
958 00:51:20 而我爸才刚动过心脏搭桥手术My dad had just suffered a quintuple bypass.
959 00:51:23 所以他们立刻送他进医院So they're rushing him to the hospital.
960 00:51:26 爱莎说:"快回来 现在就回来"Aisha goes
961 00:51:29 而我说 "但我在喜剧店铺有一场演出I was like
962 00:51:32 我必须要上台 之后我再回去"I'm going to do that
963 00:51:35 所以我完成了喜剧店铺的演出And I did a set at the Comedy Store.
964 00:51:39 之后开车回去And then I drove home.
965 00:51:42 而我不知道为什么And I don't know why...
966 00:51:45 我到了凯瑟医院之后跑上楼 我妈跟我妹妹都在哭I get to Kaiser and run upstairs. My mom and my sisters are crying.
967 00:51:49 我妹妹沉重地看着我 好像在说 "他们不明白你做的事 但我了解"My sister looks at me
968 00:51:54 医生看到我便问:"你是他儿子?" "没错"Doctor sees me. "Are you his son?" "Yeah."
969 00:51:57 "你满18岁了吗?签名吧""You're over 18? Sign this."
970 00:51:59 我签了那份同意书I sign this waiver
971 00:52:02 那代表如果我爸出事 医院不用负任何责任that clears the hospital of liability if something happens to my dad.
972 00:52:06 那项手术很危险The surgery is that risky.
973 00:52:08 我签同意书的时候我看着他I'm signing this piece of paper and looking at him
974 00:52:12 感觉就好像在签死亡证明一样and I feel like I'm signing a death certificate.
975 00:52:15 他的体温低到整个人看起来蓝蓝的His body temperature is so low that he looks blue.
976 00:52:19 他们把他推进手术室 我把同意书的板子拿给医生They wheel him into surgery and I hand the clipboard to the doctor.
977 00:52:23 我看着我爸 心想 "天啊 如果这是我最后一次看他…I look at my dad
978 00:52:28 我再也不会再见到 这个我根本不了解的人了"I'm saying goodbye to a person I barely even know."
979 00:52:33 我就这样等着 希望他平安撑过手术And I'm waiting
980 00:52:37 而他总算是撑过去了And somehow he makes it through.
981 00:52:40 我们在医院里 我必须说故事给他听We're in the hospital. I have to tell him stories.
982 00:52:43 所以我分享我生活中的故事 他分享他生活中的故事So I'm telling him stories about my life
983 00:52:47 我分享了毕业舞会的故事So I tell him the prom story.
984 00:52:50 他说:"哈桑 我对你很生气"He goes
985 00:52:52 "我知道 我偷亲了女生 我再也不敢了""I know
986 00:52:57 他说:"不是He goes
987 00:52:59 你怎么不原谅贝诗妮呢?"why don't you forgive Bethany?"
988 00:53:04 他又想要宽宏大量了He wanted to be the bigger person again.
989 00:53:07 我问:"为什么要原谅?"I was like
990 00:53:09 "哈桑 你知道当我 在1982年移民来这国家时"You know when I emigrated to this country in 1982
991 00:53:12 我看到电视节目 心想如果我让你参加学校舞会I thought if I let you go to a school dance
992 00:53:15 你会从此加入帮派 让女生怀孕 然后开始贩毒 一夜之间变坏you would join a gang
993 00:53:19 所以我是想保护你I wanted to protect you.
994 00:53:21 而她家的人在电视上看到我们的种种 他们也想保护他们的女儿Her family saw stuff about us. They wanted to protect their daughter.
995 00:53:25 大家都像这样害怕彼此Everybody's afraid of everybody.
996 00:53:27 但是哈桑But Hasan..."
997 00:53:39 哈桑 你必须要勇敢"Hasan
998 00:53:42 勇敢去做对的事情 别害怕受伤Your courage to do what's right has to be greater than your fear.
999 00:53:46 哈桑 勇敢一点吧"So
1000 00:53:50 这些话像诗句一样美丽 我总是反复思考这些话It's a very beautiful poem. I think about it all the time.
1001 00:53:53 听着 有时候我可以原谅那些人And look
1002 00:53:57 过去就让它过去 点选工具 清除记录 完成The past is the past. Tools
1003 00:54:00 但有时候我又觉得 "不 我他妈才不要Other days
1004 00:54:02 这是《纸牌屋》 我们要消灭我们的敌人"This is House of Cards. Crush our enemies."
1005 00:54:05 我就这样反反复复 不知道该怎么办 直到这件事发生I didn't know how to feel
1006 00:54:08 必胜客全新披萨汉堡隆重登场Pizza Hut new big pizza sliders are here.
1007 00:54:11 九个美味披萨汉堡只要十元Get nine in a box for just ten bucks.
1008 00:54:14 十元哦Ten bucks.
1009 00:54:15 任选三种组合方式Match up to three ways.
1010 00:54:18 三种?芝士!Three? Cheese!
1011 00:54:20 又大又美味的披萨汉堡 只有在必胜客Big
1012 00:54:23 这才是最棒的享受And that's how you make it great.
1013 00:54:25 所以…Alright
1014 00:54:27 这广告在"疯狂三月"时播出so this airs during March Madness.
1015 00:54:31 大家都看到了 播出当晚 我朋友传来简讯Everyone sees it. The night this airs
1016 00:54:35 "嘿 兄弟"Hey
1017 00:54:36 你是否知道by any chance do you know
1018 00:54:37 十元能买到几个披萨汉堡啊?"how many pizza sliders you get in a box for just ten bucks?"
1019 00:54:46 "九个啦!""Nine!"
1020 00:54:47 "真的可以任选三种组合吗?""Is it true you can mix and match up to three ways?"
1021 00:54:53 "没错 三种 对啦""Yes
1022 00:54:55 我一个朋友把这张截图传给我看A buddy of mine sends me this screengrab.
1023 00:55:01 "刚在必胜客的广告里 看到我高中舞会的舞伴""Just saw my high school prom date in a Pizza Hut ad."
1024 00:55:06 标注"精彩回顾"Hashtag
1025 00:55:08 标注"世界真小"Hashtag
1026 00:55:10 标注"超赞"Hashtag
1027 00:55:14 我回复她To which I reply
1028 00:55:18 "但我们最后没去"We didn't end up going
1029 00:55:21 你最近过得如何?"How've you been?"
1030 00:55:23 标注"潘老师"Hashtag
1031 00:55:26 标注"微积分"Hashtag
1032 00:55:28 而她回复To which she replies
1033 00:55:31 "我知道!只是这样打比较好听嘛"I know! Made for a better tweet though.
1034 00:55:36 你如果来纽约要跟我说"Let me know when you're in New York."
1035 00:55:39 我回复她To which I reply
1036 00:55:41 "我他妈一定会的""abso-fucking-lutely."
1037 00:55:43 但不管我咨询师的建议 我在无尽的脸书世界里不停探寻Now
1038 00:55:47 因为她有公开的个人档案 要怪就怪她吧because she has a public profile.
1039 00:55:49 我开始点来点去看她资料 "贝诗妮瑞德" 好吧So I start clicking around. "Bethany Reed." Okay.
1040 00:55:53 "现居曼哈顿" 废话 我知道啦"Lives in Manhattan." Duh
1041 00:55:56 "稳定交往中" 我点开这个"In a relationship with..." I click it.
1042 00:56:15 "拉杰许"Rajesh...
1043 00:56:17 兰加特拉曼纳贾纳纳…"Rengatramanajanana..."
1044 00:56:20 她跟一个印度人在交往She is dating an Indian dude
1045 00:56:22 而且这个人超他妈印度味的and this dude is Indian as fuck.
1046 00:56:25 天啊 你看他的名字!Look at his name!
1047 00:56:26 你看他的名字有多长Look at how big his name is.
1048 00:56:29 超长的 脸书版面都快塞不下了It's so big
1049 00:56:33 长到不行 有十个音节So big. Ten syllables.
1050 00:56:35 拉杰许兰加特拉曼纳贾纳纳Ra-jesh Ren-gat-ra-ma-na-ja-na-nam.
1051 00:56:41 你他妈开我玩笑啊? 全部也才几个英文字母啊?Are you kidding me? How many letters are in the alphabet?
1052 00:56:44 全部才几个英文字母? 全部也才26个英文字母 对吧?How many letters in the alphabet? 26 letters in the alphabet
1053 00:56:48 结果拉杰许兰加特拉曼纳贾纳纳 总共几个字母?25个啊How many letters are in Rajesh Rengatramanajananam? 25.
1054 00:56:51 只比全部的英文字母少一个That's one less letter than the entire alphabet.
1055 00:56:54 拜托!你看我的名字多简单 哈桑敏纳吉 超简单Come on! How easy is my name? Hasan Minhaj. So easy.
1056 00:56:57 她却说:"我才不要这个 我要拉杰许兰加特拉曼纳贾纳纳She was like
1057 00:57:00 我要拉杰许兰加特拉曼纳…Give me the Rajesh Rengatramana...
1058 00:57:03 他妈的贾纳纳!"motherfucking-jananam."
1059 00:57:05 我心想:"不! 老天爷在开我玩笑啊"Like
1060 00:57:08 所以我不管咨询师的建议Now
1061 00:57:12 我跟她联络了I make contact.
1062 00:57:13 我的咨询师说:"别跟她联络" 我说:"我付钱是要你说我想听的"She's like
1063 00:57:17 "你需要做个了结吗?去吧" "谢谢你 珍妮 下礼拜见""Need closure? Go for it." "See you next week."
1064 00:57:20 心理咨询根本是个屁Therapy is bullshit.
1065 00:57:21 "贝诗妮 我下周在纽约有场表演" 其实没有 "希望能跟你见面""Bethany
1066 00:57:25 她回我:"当然 我们见面吧"She's like
1067 00:57:28 所以我从洛杉矶买直飞机票到纽约 用必胜客广告的酬劳付的And I go from LA to New York
1068 00:57:32 我到了纽约 我气炸了I'm walking through New York. I'm livid.
1069 00:57:35 超火大I'm pissed.
1070 00:57:36 这怎么可能呢?How is this possible?
1071 00:57:38 这怎么可能呢? 拉杰许兰加特拉曼纳…How is this possible? Rajesh Rengatramana...
1072 00:57:41 他们上床的时候要怎么办?How does she make love?
1073 00:57:43 "哦 天啊 拉杰许兰加特拉曼纳贾纳纳"Oh
1074 00:57:45 现在就给我吧give it to me right now.
1075 00:57:47 拉杰许兰加特拉曼纳贾纳纳 我好想要你Rajesh Rengatramanajananam
1076 00:57:50 把你的 拉杰许兰加特拉曼纳贾纳纳放进来"Put your Rajesh in my Rengatramanajananam."
1077 00:57:52 我心想:"快停下来I was like
1078 00:57:55 不要再想像她跟 拉杰许兰加特拉曼纳贾纳纳上床了Stop imagining her having sex with Rajesh Rengatramanajananam.
1079 00:58:00 占上风的人是你You've got leverage.
1080 00:58:02 就走进去 表现得酷一点 走进去 拿出自信Walk in there
1081 00:58:05 像这样 小子 就这样走进去镇住全场Be like this
1082 00:58:08 像这样"Be like this
1083 00:58:18 "最近好吗?""What's up?"
1084 00:58:19 加上这个动作 舔一下嘴唇说 "最近好吗?"Do that with this
1085 00:58:23 我还练习了一下I'm practicing it.
1086 00:58:25 我走到门前 打开门I get to the door
1087 00:58:28 接着我听到:"嗨 哈桑!"then I hear
1088 00:58:30 她就坐在外面She's sitting outside.
1089 00:58:33 刚才那些蠢事她都看到了She saw me doing this shit in the street.
1090 00:58:41 我说:"哦 嗨 最近好吗?I was like
1091 00:58:45 那里有人坐吗?好"Is someone sitting there? Cool."
1092 00:58:47 我走上前说:"嗯 好的I just walk up and I'm like
1093 00:58:50 那我就坐这里 好"I'll just sit here
1094 00:58:53 我坐在那里I'm sitting there.
1095 00:58:54 你知道当你遇到以前认识的人When you see someone from your past
1096 00:58:57 突然间 你好像回到了那个年纪all of a sudden
1097 00:59:00 所以刚刚肯伊威斯特的那套都没了So all that Kanye juice just goes out of my body.
1098 00:59:05 我坐在那里什么也说不出口I can't say anything.
1099 00:59:07 就好像大人版的查理布朗一样It's like the adults in Charlie Brown.
1100 00:59:09 我就是无法开口 20、30、40分钟过去I can't say anything. 20 minutes
1101 00:59:13 我心想 "喂 难道你还要当个胆小鬼吗?"Dude
1102 00:59:16 说点什么吧"Say something."
1103 00:59:18 她开始聊起租金管制 我打断了她She starts talking about rent control and I cut her off.
1104 00:59:21 "贝诗妮 你知道我为何要来吗?"Bethany
1105 00:59:24 我来是要跟你谈毕业舞会那件事"I'm here to talk about prom."
1106 00:59:29 接着她的脸色发白And her face went white.
1107 00:59:33 你们知道她是白人吧? 当时她的脸色比白还要更白You guys knew she was white? It went whiter than white.
1108 00:59:37 我说:"你当时知道我的状况 你知道的And I was like
1109 00:59:40 我为了你甚至可以去死 在那个年纪 这意义重大啊I was ride or die for you. At that age
1110 00:59:43 但你对我不是这样 好 随便You weren't the same for me
1111 00:59:46 但是更糟的是But what makes matters worse is
1112 00:59:48 你害我被其他人围攻you had me socially crucified.
1113 00:59:50 你知道那在成长过程中 对我来说有多难受You knew how hard it was for me
1114 00:59:52 结果我在那个年纪变得缺乏安全感 再也不敢跟其他白人交往and then I was so insecure at that age that I couldn't date another white person
1115 00:59:56 因为我跟他们相处会感到害怕 我怕我们最后还是无法在一起because I was afraid of not being able to be with them
1116 01:00:00 就因为我改变不了的肤色because of the color of my skin.
1117 01:00:02 你知道那是什么感受吗?Do you know what that's like?
1118 01:00:04 而现在 我正努力追求梦想And now
1119 01:00:06 我努力着I'm trying
1120 01:00:08 但是你却发关于我的状态 一副我们之间没事的样子but now you're writing about me
1121 01:00:11 但事实不是这样啊when we're not.
1122 01:00:14 你为什么要那样做?"Why do you do that?"
1123 01:00:17 她说:"我真的很抱歉And she was like
1124 01:00:21 但你知道我们当时才18岁 对吧?But you know we were 18
1125 01:00:25 我那时真的很想跟你一起去Like
1126 01:00:28 但我妈 她管我很严But my mom
1127 01:00:30 你了解整个人生 都被你的父母控制住的感觉吗?"Do you know what it's like to have a parent that controls your life?"
1128 01:00:35 "不 我不了解 那是什么感觉啊? 说说看啊 我很乐意听你的故事"No
1129 01:00:40 多讲一点""Tell me more."
1130 01:00:44 什么啊?What?
1131 01:00:46 她说 "听着 我多希望我是跟你一起去She's like
1132 01:00:49 但是我无法改变过去But I can't change the past.
1133 01:00:51 我从来没想过你会愿意再跟我说话I never thought you would want to talk to me ever again.
1134 01:00:55 我之所以发那些状态But the reason why I write about you
1135 01:00:58 是因为我看到你实现了你的承诺is because I see you kept your promise.
1136 01:01:01 所以就算你再也不想跟我讲话So even if you never want to talk to me ever again
1137 01:01:05 我也会永远支持你"I'll always be rooting for you."
1138 01:01:08 你知道对一个过去认识的人 怀恨在心的感觉吗?You know how you carry hatred in your heart about people in your past?
1139 01:01:12 "他们这样对我 去他们的"They did this to me. Fuck them."
1140 01:01:15 都去死吧"Damn them.
1141 01:01:18 但在那一刻 我放下了In that moment
1142 01:01:22 我把仇恨当作 伏地魔的魂器一样摧毁掉I crushed it like a Voldemort Horcrux.
1143 01:01:33 但我还是得问她一个 大家都在想的问题But I had to ask her the question that we're all thinking.
1144 01:01:40 "那这位 兰加特拉曼纳贾纳纳老兄是怎样?""What about Mr Rengatramanajananam?"
1145 01:01:43 她说:"我搬来纽约后遇见了他 我们开始交往 并决定住在一起She's like
1146 01:01:47 而我需要钱付房子的押金 所以我打给我妈"I needed money for a deposit so I called my mom."
1147 01:01:50 "你妈怎么说?""What did your mom say?"
1148 01:01:52 "我妈说:‘不行 我不会帮你 你知道我们家的规矩"My mom was like
1149 01:01:56 你得清醒点’"So make up your mind.'"
1150 01:01:59 我问:"那你怎么说呢?"And I was like
1151 01:02:01 她说 "我跟我妈说:‘我再也不要这样了And she's like
1152 01:02:04 我不会让高中的事重演 拉杰是个好人 而我也是This isn't high school. Raj is a good person and so am I.
1153 01:02:08 我要跟他在一起 这样做才是对的So I'm going to be with him because it's right.
1154 01:02:10 我才希望你清醒点’"I hope you make up your mind.'"
1155 01:02:14 我看着她And I'm looking at her
1156 01:02:17 我觉得自己很丢脸and I'm so embarrassed.
1157 01:02:20 我心想:"小子 你在做什么啊?I'm like
1158 01:02:24 你为什么要像个疯子一样 去纠缠你过去认识的人?Why are you hunting down people from your past like a psycho?
1159 01:02:30 你又不是连姆尼森 这是在做什么啊?"You're not Liam Neeson. What is going on?"
1160 01:02:34 我那时才发现 自己根本不在乎这个人怎样I realized
1161 01:02:37 我在乎的是她所代表的事情I care about what she represents.
1162 01:02:39 在成长过程中 我们想要的只是别人的认同Growing up
1163 01:02:42 去向人们证明你够优秀To tell them you're good enough.
1164 01:02:44 "请坐 你够优秀 你合格了" 但美国梦不是这样的"Sit here. You're good enough." But that's not the American dream.
1165 01:02:48 美国梦并不是寻求认同 而是跟你前面几代的人一样It's not asking for a co-sign. It's what every generation did before you.
1166 01:02:52 靠自己的力量去达成目标 "你就靠自己努力吧"You claim that shit on your own terms.
1167 01:02:55 必胜客披萨汉堡 九个美味披萨汉堡只要十元Pizza Hut pizza sliders. Nine in a box for just ten bucks.
1168 01:02:57 这就是你That's you.
1169 01:02:59 这是你努力来的 你不是哈桑敏纳吉 你是"哈森敏哈吉"You're not Hasan Minhaj. You're "Hussan Minhajj".
1170 01:03:03 这就是新的印度裔美国人社会 梦想是靠自己追求的 就去追求吧This is new brown America. The dream is for you to take
1171 01:03:07 不要再责怪其他人了Stop blaming other people.
1172 01:03:15 我站在那餐厅外 甚至无法集中精神Now I'm standing outside the restaurant and I can't even concentrate
1173 01:03:19 因为我知道她比我还更成熟because I know she's more evolved than me.
1174 01:03:22 她说 "下次你跟我还有拉杰一起出来吧"She's like
1175 01:03:25 我说:"最好不要吧" 而我走向地铁站I'm like
1176 01:03:29 最后一次望向那间餐厅But I take one last look at the restaurant.
1177 01:03:32 想看她最后一眼Just to see her one last time.
1178 01:03:34 并了解到人们的一个选择 是有可能改变世代的To know that generational change is possible with one choice.
1179 01:03:38 我转过身望过去I turn around and I look
1180 01:03:41 但她已经走了but she's gone.
1181 01:03:44 而我再也没见过她And I never saw her again.
1182 01:03:46 但我还是守住了承诺 你知道 我持续做喜剧表演I did keep my promise
1183 01:03:50 我从来不知道…I never knew...
1184 01:03:52 我从来不知道除了必胜客广告以外 我是否能做其他事I never knew if I would do anything more than Pizza Hut.
1185 01:03:56 你知道当你的事业到达某个阶段You know how you hit that point
1186 01:03:58 你的父母会放弃你 并转移目标到下一个小孩吗?when your parents give up on you and move on?
1187 01:04:00 "我们试过哈桑了 现在把目标放在爱莎身上吧""Let's move on to Aisha."
1188 01:04:03 有一天我收到我经纪人的邮件One day I get an email from my manager.
1189 01:04:06 "你想参加《每日秀》的甄选吗?" 那根本不算是个问句 那是肯定句"Want to audition for The Daily Show?" That's not a question. That's a statement.
1190 01:04:10 "嘿 必胜客老弟 你给我参加《每日秀》的甄选""Hey
1191 01:04:12 我交了一段影片 两天后我接到一通电话I submit a tape. I get a call.
1192 01:04:15 电话那头说:"乔恩斯图尔特看了 你的影片 我们希望你到纽约一趟"Jon Stewart saw your tape. Come to New York.
1193 01:04:18 我们希望你能来纽约甄选They want you to audition.
1194 01:04:19 但是But
1195 01:04:23 你得写另一个不同的作品you have to write another original piece.
1196 01:04:26 你能再写一个吗?"Can you write another?"
1197 01:04:28 我心想:"不 当然不行啊 我又不是拉里戴维"No
1198 01:04:31 我无法同时写《宋飞正传》和 《人生如戏》 我只是个平凡人啊"I can't do Seinfeld and Curb. I'm a mere mortal."
1199 01:04:34 我在脏乱的公寓单间里来回踱步I'm walking back and forth in my apartment
1200 01:04:37 看着我的充气床垫 心想:"我死定了"like
1201 01:04:39 而令人惊奇的是 种族歧视往往And it's amazing how racism will always happen to you
1202 01:04:43 会在你最需要的时候找上你when you need it the most.
1203 01:04:46 就像帮车子换机油一样 "两万四千多公里了 种族歧视"Like changing the oil on your car. "Oh
1204 01:04:49 我当时在看《马赫脱口秀》So I'm watching Real Time With Bill Maher.
1205 01:04:52 你们看过《马赫脱口秀》吗?Have you guys seen Real Time With Bill Maher?
1206 01:04:55 你们知道比尔马赫那副样子You know Bill's demeanor.
1207 01:04:57 "嘿 你相信神吗?你这个死白痴""Hey
1208 01:05:00 所有观众都会说 "哦 他是无神论先知啊!"And everyone's like
1209 01:05:05 你们记得这支很火的影片吗? 他跟本阿弗莱克在节目上的影片So this clip went viral
1210 01:05:08 比尔马赫说:"我不懂 这些穆斯林 有85%都讨厌我们的自由Bill Maher is like
1211 01:05:11 我们得将他们一网打尽 我们得想办法限制他们"We've got to round them up
1212 01:05:15 而本阿弗莱克说:"你疯了吗? 一网打尽?限制他们?And Ben Affleck's like
1213 01:05:19 拜托 我们曾对日本人这样做过 你不能做这种事 这样说有错吗?"Dude
1214 01:05:23 我心想:"不 你这样说没错And I was like
1215 01:05:26 你是我的白人王子"You're my white prince."
1216 01:05:30 你看不出在那一刻发生了什么吗?Don't you realize what happened in that moment?
1217 01:05:33 我们有顶级明星来为穆斯林社群说话We got our first A-list celebrity to back the Muslim community.
1218 01:05:36 我们有蝙蝠侠啊 宝贝!We got Batman
1219 01:05:38 他也许不是我们想要的英雄 但他是穆斯林世界需要的英雄"He may not be the hero we want
1220 01:05:42 我心想 "就是这个了 蝙蝠侠对比尔马赫""Batman versus Bill Maher."
1221 01:05:44 我把作品写好 从洛杉矶去到纽约 "欢迎你来《每日秀》"I write the piece
1222 01:05:47 差不多是这样 你大概懂吧?You get it
1223 01:05:49 制作人应了门 他说 "进来吧 先跟我练习你的甄选The producer answers the door: "Audition with me.
1224 01:05:52 等你准备好后 乔恩会亲自过来When you're ready
1225 01:05:55 先跟我练一下"Run it with me."
1226 01:05:56 我们走在走廊上We're walking down the hallway
1227 01:05:58 我看到所有主持前辈的照片and I see all these photos of the old correspondents that came before me.
1228 01:06:03 史蒂夫卡瑞尔、约翰奥利弗Steve Carell
1229 01:06:06 莎曼沙比、杰森琼斯Sam Bee
1230 01:06:08 艾德赫尔姆斯、史蒂芬科拜尔Ed Helms
1231 01:06:11 会有我吗?and me?
1232 01:06:14 会吗?Keema roti
1233 01:06:16 你懂的 我们不会这么成功的 你知道我们的状况都是如此You know we don't end up this far. You know the way it is.
1234 01:06:20 一辈子就只能得到中间的地位Middle management till we die.
1235 01:06:22 我们是不可能上得了台的We're not on that stage
1236 01:06:26 我走进那间摄影棚 看到《每日秀》那颗地球仪I walk in and I see that Daily Show globe.
1237 01:06:28 言语无法形容那有多蓝I can't tell you how blue it is.
1238 01:06:31 我疯狂飙汗And now I'm sweating through my suit.
1239 01:06:34 制作人说:"我们会练习个几次"The producer is like
1240 01:06:37 我坐了下来 就在那张桌子前And I sit down and I get to the desk.
1241 01:06:39 那张曾经有总统坐过的桌子Sitting presidents have sat on that desk.
1242 01:06:42 我坐下来 我们第一次练的时候我很紧张I sit down and we're running it
1243 01:06:45 他说:"嘿 慢慢来 好吗?"He goes
1244 01:06:49 第二次练习 我开始结巴We run it a second time. Now I'm stuttering.
1245 01:06:52 他说:"嘿 放轻松点 你很好笑"And he goes
1246 01:06:56 这很明显地是在说 "嘿 你完全不好笑Which is a tell-tale sign of being
1247 01:07:01 不要再放松了"You shouldn't relax."
1248 01:07:03 我能察觉得出来 我说不出话 我们都经历过的And I can feel it. I'm choking. We've all been there.
1249 01:07:06 大家都会问:"进行得如何?" 你会说:"祈祷吧 正面思考啊"Everyone's
1250 01:07:10 不 没用的 你没希望的 你都说不出话了No
1251 01:07:13 医学院入学考、牙科入学考 去吧 去加勒比海读书吧 就这样 结束MCAT
1252 01:07:17 你说不出话了 对吧?太真实了吗? 这就是真实世界 我们都经历过的You choked
1253 01:07:20 我心想:"妈的 我都快拉出来了"And I can feel this turtle head coming out of my butt.
1254 01:07:24 我真的非常紧张 都要拉在裤子上了 我心想:"完蛋了"I'm really nervous. I'm pooping my pants. I'm like
1255 01:07:27 正要练第三次的时候 我听到…Then I hear...
1256 01:07:29 《每日秀》主题曲Then I hear...
1257 01:07:32 我听过这音乐 那是犹太尤达大师 那是乔恩I know that voice. It's Jewish Yoda. It's Jon.
1258 01:07:37 但他从来宾的隧道走出来He's walking through the tunnel where the guests come
1259 01:07:40 光从他的背后打出来so he's just back-lit.
1260 01:07:42 所以我只看到一个巨大黑影向我走来So I just see a giant shadow walking towards me
1261 01:07:46 而他走的每一步都像在强调他的成就and I hear his accomplishments at each step.
1262 01:07:49 "砰!我是乔恩斯图尔特"Boom! I am Jon Stewart.
1263 01:07:53 砰!得过22座艾美奖的 乔恩斯图尔特Boom! Twenty-two-time Emmy-award-winning Jon Stewart.
1264 01:07:57 砰!我重新定义了政治嘲讽节目 以及喜剧 而你又做了什么?"Boom! I redefined political satire and comedy. What have you done?"
1265 01:08:02 我心想 "不知道 你听说过必胜客吗?"I'm like
1266 01:08:13 接着他走到灯光下Then he steps into the light
1267 01:08:16 他比我想像中还要矮and he's shorter than I thought.
1268 01:08:19 脸上留着胡渣And he has all this scruff on his face.
1269 01:08:21 我看着他 我心想…And I look at him
1270 01:08:26 "爸?""Dad?"
1271 01:08:28 他散发一种犹太版纳吉米的感觉 他握了我的手He had Jewish Najmi vibes. He shakes my hand.
1272 01:08:30 我能感受得到 那只手上辈子打过我巴掌I could feel it
1273 01:08:33 我心想:"我认得这只手!"I was like
1274 01:08:35 我们坐下来 他翻着资料 我也翻着资料He starts riffing
1275 01:08:38 提词员问:"你们到底在干吗啊?" 我说:"这我来 提词员"The prompter guy: "What are you doing?" "I got this."
1276 01:08:41 我都背起来了:致命一击 老妈意大利面、《街头痞子》的词I had it all memorized. One shot
1277 01:08:43 我完美落地 像个他妈的俄罗斯体操选手And I stuck my landing like a Russian gymnast.
1278 01:08:47 我说:"谢谢您给我这个机会""Thank you for the opportunity."
1279 01:08:49 我把屎缩回去 "我们回家吧"I tucked that turtle head back in my butt. "We're going home."
1280 01:08:52 我走出门外 但我听到身后传来一个声音I walk out the door
1281 01:08:55 "嘿 小子 你要去哪?""Hey
1282 01:08:58 是乔恩And it's Jon.
1283 01:09:00 我回答:"哦 我住在洛杉矶I was like
1284 01:09:05 我要回去洛杉矶"I've got to go back to LA."
1285 01:09:07 "哦 那你礼拜一会来 对吧?""Well
1286 01:09:10 我说:"为什么?"I was like
1287 01:09:14 "这个嘛 你要开始在这工作了"Well
1288 01:09:16 所以你礼拜一会来 对吧?"So I'll see you Monday
1289 01:09:21 我不敢置信 我心想 "发表奥斯卡得奖感言吧 快说I couldn't believe it. I was like
1290 01:09:24 快说点感言吧"Say what you got to say."
1291 01:09:26 而我心中的感想是What I wanted to say was
1292 01:09:28 "乔恩 这是我整个演艺生涯中"Jon
1293 01:09:33 唯一一次甄选上in my entire career
1294 01:09:35 我爸听说过的节目that my dad actually knows."
1295 01:09:38 所以谢谢你""So thank you."
1296 01:09:41 但是我当时说的是But what I said was
1297 01:09:43 "乔恩!"Jon!
1298 01:09:45 我爸…My dad...
1299 01:09:48 认识你!"knows you!"
1300 01:09:58 他说 "嗯 我相信他认识我 礼拜一见"He's like
1301 01:10:01 我掐自己 你不是约瑟夫高登莱维特 你是哈桑敏纳吉 你会上《每日秀》I pinch myself. "You're Hasan Minhaj. You're going to be on The Daily Show."
1302 01:10:05 我跑出去 感受纽约的疯狂气氛 我打给我的女友 她哭了出来I run outside. I call my girl. She's crying.
1303 01:10:09 我打给我妈 她哭了出来I call my mom
1304 01:10:11 我打给我爸 他说:"做得好"I call my dad
1305 01:10:13 "什么?做得好?你再说一次 我听不清楚 爸 再说一次""What? 'Good job'? Say it again. I can't hear you
1306 01:10:18 有辆车差点撞上我 我心想:"不 我不能死啊!A car almost hits me. I'm
1307 01:10:22 我要去发一篇有史以来最棒的状态"I've got to drop the greatest status update."
1308 01:10:25 我跑上楼 打开笔记本电脑 点进脸书I run upstairs
1309 01:10:28 结果我看到了这个and then I see this.
1310 01:10:30 我答应了!and then I see this.
1311 01:10:43 你们看到了吧?You guys see this
1312 01:10:47 你们知道这是什么意思吗?Don't you know what this means?
1313 01:10:50 你们不懂吗?Don't you get it?
1314 01:10:54 我是种族歧视的解药I'm the cure for racism.
1315 01:10:59 我治好它了I cured it.
1316 01:11:01 好吧 也许我没有治好它 但是每个人都有人生目标Alright
1317 01:11:05 有些人立志要找出癌症的解药Some people were put here to find a cure for cancer
1318 01:11:08 或是找出埃博拉病毒的疫苗or find a vaccine for Ebola.
1319 01:11:10 而我的人生目标则是要彻底证明 交个印度小子作男朋友My life is definitive proof that once you go brown
1320 01:11:14 绝对让你镇住场子you've got to lock that shit down.
1321 01:11:31 晚安 祝大家平安 上天保佑 我爱你们Good night. Be well. God bless. I love you guys.
1322 01:11:35 我爱你们 晚安 我爱你们I love you guys. Good night. I love you.
1323 01:11:44 字幕翻译:梁雪莹I love you guys. Good night. I love you.