圣诞坏公公2 Bad Santa 2(EN)Subtitles
| SRT Subtitles download |
1 00:00:01 ♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪
2 00:00:07 ♪ Christmas ♪
3 00:00:11 ♪ Well, it's Christmas time,pretty baby ♪
4 00:00:15 ♪ And the snow is falling on the ground ♪
5 00:00:17 ♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪
6 00:00:22 ♪ Well, it's Christmas time,pretty baby ♪
7 00:00:26 ♪ And the snow is on the ground ♪
8 00:00:28 ♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪
9 00:00:33 ♪ Well, you be a real good little girl ♪
10 00:00:37 ♪ Santa Claus is back in town ♪
11 00:00:39 ♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪
12 00:00:44 ♪ Got no sleigh with reindeerNo sack on my back ♪
13 00:00:49 ♪ You're gonna see me comin 'In a big black Cadillac ♪
14 00:00:53 ♪ Whoa, it's Christmas time,pretty baby ♪
15 00:00:56 ♪ And the snow is falling on the ground ♪
16 00:00:59 ♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪
17 00:01:03 ♪ Well, you be a real good little babySanta Claus is back in town ♪
18 00:01:10 ♪ Christmas ♪
19 00:01:11 What the fuck?
20 00:01:15 ♪ Hang up your pretty stockingsAnd turn off the light ♪
21 00:01:21 ♪ Down your chimney tonightOoh ♪
22 00:01:24 You think I want this piece of shit?Fuck you!
23 00:01:27 ♪ And the snow is falling on the ground ♪
24 00:01:33 - ♪ Well, you be a real good little baby ♪- Hey, hey, hey!
25 00:01:37 - Get away!- Fuck you!
26 00:01:38 Horny drunk!
27 00:01:40 ♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪
28 00:01:47 ♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪
29 00:01:51 Let's just say my whole life
30 00:01:53 has been one long fuckingmiserable nightmare most of the time.
31 00:01:57 And pure shit on a good day.
32 00:01:59 Goddamn it.
33 00:02:01 Yeah, I guess there have beena few dull bright spots here and there.
34 00:02:04 Fuck it.
35 00:02:05 Like a piece of asswho didn't look me in the eye
36 00:02:06 or wanna show me picturesof her fucking vacation.
37 00:02:09 Or a good drunkwhen I didn't choke on my own vomit.
38 00:02:13 - Ah!- I even almost had a friend once.
39 00:02:15 Sure, he was a mouth-breathing,snot dripping 8-year-old
40 00:02:18 who couldn't find his fat asswith both hands,
41 00:02:20 but he was clueless enough to think
42 00:02:22 I wasn't the worthless piece of shiteverybody else thinks I am.
43 00:02:26 Including me.
44 00:02:29 I also found what was the closest thingI ever had to an actual girlfriend.
45 00:02:33 She liked the job I had at the time,especially while I was in uniform.
46 00:02:38 Sounds like a happy ending, don't it?
47 00:02:41 But, you see...
48 00:02:42 ...you can only puke in somebody's lapso many times
49 00:02:45 before the romance takes a shit.
50 00:02:48 And the kid,he still creeps around every now and then
51 00:02:51 and I still chase him off
52 00:02:53 For his own good.
53 00:02:56 So you see, happy endings are bullshit.
54 00:02:59 Actually, there aren't such thingsas endings at all,
55 00:03:02 because when some shit gets over with,
56 00:03:04 some other whole thing startsthat sucks ass.
57 00:03:09 Merry fucking Christmas.
58 00:03:17 ♪ Oh, there's no place like homeFor the holidays ♪
59 00:03:23 ♪ 'Cause no matterhow far away you roam ♪
60 00:03:30 ♪ When you pine for the sunshineOf a friendly gaze ♪
61 00:03:37 ♪ For the holidaysYou can't beat home sweet home ♪
62 00:03:44 ♪ I met a man who lives in Tennessee ♪
63 00:03:49 ♪ And he was headin' for Pennsylvania ♪
64 00:03:54 ♪ And some homemade pumpkin pie ♪
65 00:04:00 ♪ From Pennsylvania folks are trav'ling ♪
66 00:04:04 ♪ Down to Dixie's sunny shore ♪
67 00:04:08 ♪ From Atlantic to Pacific ♪
68 00:04:12 ♪ Gee, the traffic is terrific ♪
69 00:04:16 Goddamn it.
70 00:04:19 ♪ Oh, there's no place like homeFor the holidays ♪
71 00:04:26 ♪ For the holidays ♪
72 00:04:30 ♪ You can't beat home sweet home ♪
73 00:04:41 Willie?
74 00:04:45 Willie? It's me, Thurman.
75 00:04:49 Willie, what are you doing?Did you get yourself stuck up there?
76 00:04:58 Okay, I'll go. But this packagecame to my house for you, Willie.
77 00:05:02 There's a lot of money in it.And a phone.
78 00:05:04 And a note.
79 00:05:09 What? Chair!
80 00:05:11 - Chair?- Chair!
81 00:05:14 Chair.
82 00:05:15 Give me the goddamn chair.
83 00:05:19 Willie, you fell.
84 00:05:22 Goddamn. Are youa complete fucking retard?
85 00:05:26 No. The Hungry Hoagies people tested me.I'm top of the spectrum.
86 00:05:30 So they made mea full-time sandwich consultant.
87 00:05:33 - Well, I'm glad you followed your passion.- What's that smell?
88 00:05:37 Is the oven on?Are you making Hot Pockets?
89 00:05:40 We do hot sandwichesat Hungry Hoagies now.
90 00:05:42 But I always burn my handgetting them out of oven.
91 00:05:44 Darlene says I should put butteron my hand, but that's stupid.
92 00:05:48 We only put butter on food.Hand isn't food.
93 00:05:52 ♪ Merry Merry Christmas ♪
94 00:05:56 ♪ Christmas everywhere ♪
95 00:06:01 ♪ Merry Merry Christmas ♪
96 00:06:03 I know we left on bad terms.
97 00:06:05 But you gotta understand,it was only business.
98 00:06:08 We were partners.
99 00:06:09 And I broke that sacred bond.It's not an excuse.
100 00:06:12 But Lois got all up in my kitchen.
101 00:06:14 Crazy bitch had me all turned aroundwith her magical Laotian pussy.
102 00:06:17 - Don't blame it on the snapper.- I was pussy-blind. I'm ashamed.
103 00:06:22 You tried to murder me, you little prick.Remember that?
104 00:06:25 And not with somelittle nubbin-dick gun,
105 00:06:27 but with adultman-sized bullets.
106 00:06:29 - And now I'm here to make it up to you.- Why are you even out of the joint anyway?
107 00:06:33 Some pity caseon account of you're a genetic defect?
108 00:06:37 You know, they used tosterilize guys like you.
109 00:06:39 Keep the world from becomingsome Negro Land of Oz.
110 00:06:42 Shut the fuck up!Early release. Overcrowding.
111 00:06:46 Well, it must've been packed to the gills
112 00:06:48 if they couldn't cramyour three-foot ass in there.
113 00:06:50 We got a job, Willie. That two grandis just to show I'm serious.
114 00:06:54 Can you still crack a safe?
115 00:06:56 Or did you get carpal tunnelfrom jacking off?
116 00:06:58 - I can crack just fine, thanks.- I'm talking millions this time.
117 00:07:04 - Where at?- Chi-Town.
118 00:07:06 I thought you were all donewith the gooks.
119 00:07:09 Chicago, you racist moron fuck!
120 00:07:12 I got an associate out therewho has got this thing all lined up.
121 00:07:15 - What associate?- I'm not at liberty to disclose just yet.
122 00:07:18 But they know your work.
123 00:07:20 And they want to bring us in and put us upin some fine-ass metropolitan digs
124 00:07:24 and finance the whole operation.
125 00:07:26 You're outta your fucking skull.
126 00:07:28 What are you gonna do?Try and kill yourself again?
127 00:07:30 That's none of yourgoddamn business what I do.
128 00:07:33 Don't let the door hit you in the ass.
129 00:07:34 Or I won't let it hit me in the ass.Whatever the fuck it is.
130 00:07:37 Did youeven score once while I was away?
131 00:07:40 I'm talking two mil here.
132 00:07:42 That's a lot of fat-ass bitchesand whiskey.
133 00:07:47 Fuck you.
134 00:07:49 Why do you have to go so soon?We just got back together.
135 00:07:52 Cut that shit out.We're not back together.
136 00:07:54 Guess you don't know what today is.
137 00:07:55 I don't even knowwhat fucking year it is, kid.
138 00:07:58 It's my birthday.
139 00:08:00 - Today is your fucking birthday?- Uh-huh.
140 00:08:03 I'm 21 . Officially a man.
141 00:08:05 Goddamn. You're 21 already.That's creepy.
142 00:08:09 - Are you still gonna pop my cherry?- Am I gonna what?
143 00:08:13 No! Fuck no!
144 00:08:15 But you said that when I was 21that you'd pop my cherry.
145 00:08:18 I said I'd get it done by somebody else.
146 00:08:21 Besides that, I'm a fucking guy.You didn't turn funny, did you?
147 00:08:25 Am I funny?
148 00:08:29 So you haven't done it with anybody yet.
149 00:08:31 Not a man or a womanor an animal or anything.
150 00:08:34 No, I waited for you.
151 00:08:36 - But surely, you jerked off or...- You mean masturbate, don't you?
152 00:08:41 Well, if you wanna be scientific,yeah, I guess so.
153 00:08:44 My friend Ronnie says,
154 00:08:45 it's when you play with your wienerand think about your mother.
155 00:08:48 I did it once, but it felt weird.
156 00:08:51 She's in heaven with God,you know. Watching me.
157 00:09:04 Okay, so here's how it's gonna go down.He's already asked me where his cherry is.
158 00:09:08 So you could tell himto put his dick in your purse
159 00:09:10 and he wouldn't knowany fucking difference.
160 00:09:12 It's gonna be the easiest 20 bucksyou ever made.
161 00:09:14 Twenty bucks?
162 00:09:17 You must be highon some strong shit, Willie.
163 00:09:19 A hundred. Or I'm gonna carry my assoutta this old piece of a room right now.
164 00:09:23 All right.Fifty, or I'll just go get your mother.
165 00:09:26 Sixty.
166 00:09:28 All right.
167 00:09:29 And nothing up my ass.You done took all that, Willie.
168 00:09:32 Okay.
169 00:09:33 Well, let's get to it.I gotta pick up my grandson from ballet.
170 00:09:36 - Can I fix you a sandwich?- No.
171 00:09:39 - I got your sandwich, baby.- Willie, I made you a sandwich.
172 00:09:41 I ain't sticking around.Just give it to Opal after.
173 00:09:44 Now, listen, here's how it works.
174 00:09:46 She's gonna pull her rig off.And she's gonna get on all fours.
175 00:09:49 Now, you stand behind herand drop your rig.
176 00:09:53 Then, you're gonna see something thatlooks like some kind of Japanese food.
177 00:09:56 It ain't, so don't eat it.That's the bulls-eye.
178 00:10:00 Then you just start tuggingon your little soldier.
179 00:10:02 Wait till he gets to attention,then poke him in there.
180 00:10:05 Keep poking it in there till he spits up.
181 00:10:08 You're gonna need a raincoat.
182 00:10:09 She'll have one,so don't worry about that.
183 00:10:11 As soon as you're done,run to the bathroom, wash your crotch.
184 00:10:15 That way, you don't wake up wonderingwhy you got oatmeal in your carpet.
185 00:10:18 Breathe through your mouthso that you don't puke.
186 00:10:21 Shouldn't be a problem for you.You got it?
187 00:10:24 - You got 60 bucks?- No.
188 00:10:27 - What you got?- I have $20.
189 00:10:29 Keep it down.
190 00:10:31 - I have 20.- Give it to her after.
191 00:10:36 - Later, Opal.- Mm-hmm.
192 00:10:38 Come on, baby. Come on.
193 00:10:40 Get a bite of this pumpernickel bread.
194 00:10:45 Damn it, Willie. Hurry up!We're gonna miss our train.
195 00:10:47 You see me walking backwards, asshole?I'm coming.
196 00:10:51 Kid, get over hereand take your pants off.
197 00:10:53 No!
198 00:10:58 Ah, fuck.
199 00:11:00 ♪ Sleigh bells ringAre you listening? ♪
200 00:11:04 ♪ In the lane snow is glistening ♪
201 00:11:08 ♪ A beautiful sightWe're happy tonight ♪
202 00:11:12 ♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪
203 00:11:15 ♪ Gone away is the bluebirdIn his place is a new bird ♪
204 00:11:22 Here's your ID.
205 00:11:27 - "Randall Cook"?- What the fuck wrong with that?
206 00:11:30 Randall sounds Irish.I want something whiter.
207 00:11:32 I'm Davis, you're Cook.End of fucking story.
208 00:11:35 You got one job this time. Open a safe.
209 00:11:38 Till then, just keep your drunkendeviant fucking mouth shut.
210 00:11:43 You know what you need?You need some pussy.
211 00:11:46 I'll see if I can find youa cat somewhere.
212 00:11:54 Put that shit away.
213 00:11:58 "Giving City Foundation.
214 00:12:00 Bringing food and shelterto those in need."
215 00:12:03 Hold the fucking phone.
216 00:12:06 I traveled all the way across the countryto rob a goddamn charity?
217 00:12:09 Why? You got a problem with that?
218 00:12:11 Yeah, you damn rightI got a problem with it.
219 00:12:15 No way these assholeshave 2 million bucks.
220 00:12:17 Will you keep it down, man. Moron.
221 00:12:21 I don't know.
222 00:12:25 - I see they made you some chairs already.- Fuck you.
223 00:12:34 He's Cook. I'm Davis.We're here for the orientation.
224 00:12:37 Empty your pockets.Place any metal items in the tray.
225 00:12:44 What's that?
226 00:12:48 - Cough medicine.- Let me see that.
227 00:12:55 That's a level three contraband.I'm gonna have to compensate that.
228 00:12:59 The fuck you are.
229 00:13:00 All right, big shot.You can stay out here with your GD flask.
230 00:13:04 - We'll get it on the way out.- Gina!
231 00:13:08 Show these boys to the line-up.They're late.
232 00:13:09 Meeting started ten minutes ago.
233 00:13:12 But I think I can sneak you guys in.Come on.
234 00:13:28 - Hey, Diane! I got two more.- Come on in, fellas.
235 00:13:32 - Goddamn.- That's Diane Hastings.
236 00:13:34 She and her husband run the joint.
237 00:13:36 So like I was saying,finish filling out these forms
238 00:13:38 and you can drop them offat the front desk, please.
239 00:13:41 And then, you can go to the common roomand pick up your uniforms.
240 00:13:44 I bet that pussy got lipslike an orangutan.
241 00:13:48 - Excuse me, Mr...- Um, Cook. Randall Cook.
242 00:13:52 - What's up?- Have you been drinking?
243 00:13:56 Uh, I don't know. Some vodka...
244 00:13:59 Because we don't allow alcoholor drugs of any kind at Giving City.
245 00:14:02 Why's that?
246 00:14:04 You may not be aware of this, Mr. Cook,but we're a charity.
247 00:14:08 When you walk out those doors,you're representing us.
248 00:14:10 - So please try and make us look good.- Oh, we'll make you look great.
249 00:14:14 - Promise.- Yeah.
250 00:14:17 Mmm.
251 00:14:20 A hard-on?
252 00:14:21 You sick fuck.
253 00:14:23 I'm the one that's been in prisonfor ten years.
254 00:14:25 It's just a semi.Don't get all bent out of shape.
255 00:14:27 Shut the fuck up.
256 00:14:29 Ho, ho, ho. What's up, Santas?
257 00:14:31 Hey, don't forget to remind people,
258 00:14:32 if they don't have cash,they can always text in their donation.
259 00:14:35 Give me some. Yeah.
260 00:14:37 Hey, Di. Is it the midgetthat's fully proportional?
261 00:14:39 - Or is it the dwarf?- Regent.
262 00:14:41 - What?- You can't say that word.
263 00:14:42 Hey, I'm gonna be homelate again tonight.
264 00:14:44 End-of-the-year accounting stuff.
265 00:14:46 See you, babe.
266 00:14:49 Thank youfor helping us out again.
267 00:14:50 Goddamn it.
268 00:14:52 Sir? This way, please.
269 00:14:54 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.Don't be touching me.
270 00:14:56 - Merry Christmas.- Yeah, whatever.
271 00:14:59 Lying little fuck.
272 00:15:00 You didn't tell me I'd have to getin the fucking suit again.
273 00:15:03 I thought it would be a bonus.And I just wanna remind you of something.
274 00:15:07 It's Christmas.A time for forgiveness. For family.
275 00:15:10 I'm gonna remind you to fuck yourself.
276 00:15:12 Ronald Davis.I was told you have a suit to fit me.
277 00:15:15 Oh, yes. I have it right here.
278 00:15:19 No. I need a Santa suit.This is an elf suit.
279 00:15:23 I'm supposed to be a Santa.
280 00:15:25 Oh, sorry about the confusion.That's all we have in your size.
281 00:15:28 Uh, I do have a gingerbread man costumein a child's large, if you prefer.
282 00:15:35 I guess there is a God.
283 00:15:36 Step right up. Don't be shy.
284 00:15:38 Shitstick! What's it been?Fifteen years? Twen...
285 00:15:45 Well, one thing hasn't changed.You still hit like your fucking father.
286 00:15:50 Fucking associate. No goddamn way.
287 00:15:55 Not working with that poison bitch.Never again.
288 00:15:58 You tricked me, you little shithole!
289 00:16:00 You know fucking well you did.
290 00:16:02 But I thought your dadwas the one you hated.
291 00:16:04 I hate him more than anythingin the goddamn world! Except her.
292 00:16:09 Willie, stop! Willie!
293 00:16:12 Okay, shitstick, just give me backthe money for the train ticket,
294 00:16:15 then we're square.
295 00:16:16 Or you could do your dumb-ass self a favor,at least hear me out before you quit.
296 00:16:25 Boy, you been sellingyour blood for booze?
297 00:16:28 You look like a fucking albino scarecrow.
298 00:16:32 Anyway, still good to see you.
299 00:16:35 Uh, I can't say I feel the same.
300 00:16:39 Goddamn, what a shit hole.
301 00:16:42 - You conned me, you little prick.- Fuck you!
302 00:16:45 Make yourselves at home.Bedroom's mine.
303 00:16:48 That sofa folds out,so you guys can fight over that.
304 00:16:52 I got chicken feet in the fridge.
305 00:16:54 - So that's what smells like nut sack.- Boy, have a beer.
306 00:17:00 - I even got minis for the midget.- Don't you ever fucking call me that.
307 00:17:03 Hey, listen, little man,I don't speak politically correct,
308 00:17:07 so if you got a problem with that,you take it up with the Lollipop Guild.
309 00:17:10 Shut the hell up!Just break it down for him, Sunny.
310 00:17:14 I'll break it down, all right.
311 00:17:16 Giving City is a charityat 98 cents every dollar
312 00:17:20 goes to this A-hole at the top.
313 00:17:22 Regent Hastings.
314 00:17:23 He takes in tens of thousandsin donations,
315 00:17:26 and he squirrels them awayin an offshore account.
316 00:17:29 - And how are you supposed to get it?- You mean, how are we supposed to get it?
317 00:17:34 These little buckets here,they're filled with cash,
318 00:17:38 up to the brim, every day.
319 00:17:40 And then at night, they store that cashin the safe in Regent's office.
320 00:17:44 And that's our target. Right here.
321 00:17:47 Christmas Eve,they have a big charity concert.
322 00:17:50 So while the kids and volunteersare all singing,
323 00:17:52 the money's just sitting there,waiting for an armored transfer.
324 00:17:55 That's our take window.Last year, the haul was almost 2 mil.
325 00:18:00 - And how do you know all this shit?- Because I work there, dumb-ass.
326 00:18:03 It's a part of my release from the joint.I've been there 3 months.
327 00:18:06 Just did a little digging,a little Googling,
328 00:18:08 a dry hand job to Isaacin Accounting. Boom.
329 00:18:11 The concert's in five days.
330 00:18:13 Meantime, we wear the suit,hit the pavement,
331 00:18:16 we ring the bell,just like the rest of the volunteers.
332 00:18:19 All right.
333 00:18:20 Well, it looks to me like you jackalsalready got the whole job figured out.
334 00:18:23 What do you need me for?You can crack a fucking safe.
335 00:18:27 Well, I'd like to sayit's because I've missed you, my angel.
336 00:18:30 But I got a touch of the Parkinson'sand my hearing ain't what it used to be,
337 00:18:33 so I'm gonna need you on the safe.
338 00:18:35 Mmm.
339 00:18:37 And when do you pull your littleRoy Rogers pistol out on me again?
340 00:18:41 I said I was sorry.You gotta let that shit go, Willie!
341 00:18:44 No, I think I'll hang on to it.
342 00:18:46 Oh, Christ.
343 00:18:48 If I cut ties with every numbnutwho tried to shoot me,
344 00:18:51 I never would've gotten pregnant with you.
345 00:18:52 Come on, boy.Be just like old times.
346 00:18:56 - Old times?- Mm-hmm.
347 00:18:58 You mean a living fucking nightmare?Why didn't you say so? I'm in.
348 00:19:02 You gotta be shitting me.Good luck with the shakes.
349 00:19:05 Willie, come on.Just give it a chance.
350 00:19:17 What, you don't trust your mother?
351 00:19:20 Yeah, I trust herabout as far as I can throw you.
352 00:19:22 And I trust youabout as far as I can throw her.
353 00:19:25 Come on, Willie, I need this.
354 00:19:27 And I know your sorry ass does too.Look at you, man.
355 00:19:41 Okay, if you want me in on this,it's you and me against her.
356 00:19:44 You got it?
357 00:19:46 She don't get a fucking nickelof what's in that safe. Get me?
358 00:19:49 - We'll cut her out after the grab.- Damn right.
359 00:20:00 I knew you couldn't stay away.You always were your mama's boy.
360 00:20:05 You just pipe downabout the family stuff, okay?
361 00:20:08 I'm in this for the dough, period.You get me?
362 00:20:10 Well, it's starting to feellike Christmas.
363 00:20:14 Spare some change.
364 00:20:17 Think about somebodybesides your fucking selves.
365 00:20:20 We gotta get eyes on that safe.Need to know the make.
366 00:20:22 Now you're askingthe right questions, shitstick.
367 00:20:25 The trash chute's the best way in.
368 00:20:27 I'm gonna need a handgetting into position.
369 00:20:29 Recon. Good. We'll go tonight.
370 00:20:33 Look at those cheeks!
371 00:20:36 That's the ugliest fucking babyon the planet.
372 00:20:39 I guess the abortion didn't take.
373 00:20:42 Well, bless your heart.Cheap little fucker.
374 00:20:46 Fucking dimes? Are you shitting me?
375 00:20:48 - This ain't no strip joint.- What a fucking Sokes family.
376 00:20:51 This is what happenswhen you screw your cousins.
377 00:20:54 I taught this muskrat everything he knows.
378 00:20:56 - Well, you don't know shit, then, do you?- Hey, listen, before we had midget...
379 00:21:01 Excuse me... little people, we had Willie.
380 00:21:04 He was my original elf.Remember those times, Willie?
381 00:21:07 There ain't enough booze to forget it.
382 00:21:10 Well, he'd get panic attacks.It was embarrassing.
383 00:21:13 I had to make him stay outsidewhen I was turning a trick or bowling.
384 00:21:17 Wait a fucking minute,you were embarrassed?
385 00:21:20 Isn't that kind of like the potcalling the other cot a fuck kettle,
386 00:21:23 - or whatever it was?- What the fuck you say?
387 00:21:25 He's home-schooled.
388 00:21:31 I need a refill.
389 00:21:33 - And another fucking corner.- Stop it, Willie.
390 00:21:37 What? We're gonna steal this shitany fucking way. Who cares?
391 00:21:40 But if we get fired,we got no access to the building.
392 00:21:42 And if we got no access to the building,we got no access to the safe.
393 00:21:46 And if we got no access to the safe,
394 00:21:48 there's no reason for me to be standingout here, freezing my fucking nuts off.
395 00:21:52 You mean your nutshaven't been scraped off
396 00:21:54 because they're so lowto the ground already?
397 00:21:56 You know every time you're passed out,
398 00:21:58 I lay them on your foreheadand take a picture of it.
399 00:22:01 I got a whole Instagram of that shitof me tea-bagging you.
400 00:22:04 Four thousand followers and counting,motherfucker. Ha-ha!
401 00:22:09 Well, knock yourselves out.I'm getting the fuck out of here.
402 00:22:11 Aw, come on,we're having family time here.
403 00:22:13 He's always been too goddamn soft.Probably because he was born early.
404 00:22:17 Hell, I didn't even knowI'd given birth until I tripped over him.
405 00:22:26 - Hello.- Hi, Willie.
406 00:22:28 Kid, how'd you get my number?
407 00:22:30 The cherry pop ladygave it to me.
408 00:22:31 Oh, Jesus.
409 00:22:33 I cleaned your apartment, Willie.And I fed your insects.
410 00:22:35 They're getting really big.
411 00:22:37 Do you want me to get youa Christmas tree?
412 00:22:39 - What? Why would I want a tree?- So we can spend Christmas together.
413 00:22:42 I'm in fucking Chicago, kid.
414 00:22:44 So you're not coming back for Christmas?
415 00:22:46 - No, I'm not coming home for Christmas.- Chicago's in the Midwest, Willie.
416 00:22:50 They have Hungry Hoagies there too.
417 00:22:52 Well, good.I'll tell them you said hello, okay?
418 00:22:54 Except I don't know anyoneat that Hungry Hoagies.
419 00:22:56 All right, listen, you gotta quitfucking calling me, okay?
420 00:22:59 - You're burning my minutes.- But what if it's an emergency?
421 00:23:01 Fine! If it's an emergency,call me, all right?
422 00:23:03 Otherwise, leave me the fuck alone, okay?
423 00:23:06 Okay. I'll only call if it's an emergency.
424 00:23:08 Bye.
425 00:23:13 ♪ It's the most wonderful timeof the year ♪
426 00:23:19 Okay, feed the kids.Come on. Give it up.
427 00:23:23 You've seen them babies with beer bellies.
428 00:23:25 Ho, ho! Come on, you got Jesusand the lambikins watching over you,
429 00:23:29 checking their list twice.
430 00:23:31 Here you go, lady,how about a little money?
431 00:23:33 You know what,you'd better hope the orphans don't riot.
432 00:23:35 They'll eat your fat assright off the bat.
433 00:23:37 You know, a lot of these kidsdon't got any arms and legs and shit.
434 00:23:40 You're lucky. See, ma'am?Yours got all their parts.
435 00:23:42 - There you go.- There you go. Thank you. See you later.
436 00:23:45 - Damn. Mama ain't bad.- Whoa!
437 00:23:47 Whoa-ho-ho! My spot.
438 00:23:51 You are standing on my spot.
439 00:23:53 Really? That's funny, I don't seeyour fucking name on it anywhere.
440 00:23:56 Well, in fairness,I did leave it unattended,
441 00:23:58 but that's only becauseI had to run off to the little boys' room.
442 00:24:01 What are you,a fucking game show host or something?
443 00:24:03 - Dial it back a notch.- But now I am back.
444 00:24:06 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
445 00:24:08 'Tis the season of giving!
446 00:24:11 And if you don't have cash,you can always text XMAS 999...
447 00:24:15 Bullshit. No fucking way.Fucking cash only.
448 00:24:19 - Ten dollars or more.- Okay.
449 00:24:20 Hundreds are better. What?
450 00:24:22 I am going to have to ask youto watch your language
451 00:24:25 when you're representing the suit.
452 00:24:26 And I'm going to have to ask youto suck my fucking dick.
453 00:24:29 I'm warning you.
454 00:24:30 Nothing and no one is getting in the wayof me spreading my joy!
455 00:24:35 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
456 00:24:36 You know what,I think you're some kind of pervert
457 00:24:39 and you're afraid I'm muscling inon your fucking fondle territory.
458 00:24:42 - That's what I think.- I see what's going on here. Yes, I see.
459 00:24:46 - You are hurting inside.- Is that right?
460 00:24:48 And there's only one thingthat can change that.
461 00:24:50 - Yeah? What's that?- A hug.
462 00:24:52 - Are you out of your goddamn mind?- A hug from Santa!
463 00:24:54 No, I don't needno fucking hug from Santa.
464 00:24:56 - Let go of me, motherfucker.- Melt all that stress away!
465 00:24:58 Would you cool it, pal?
466 00:25:00 You're scaring all the kids away.You know what I mean?
467 00:25:02 You are a fucking pedophile!
468 00:25:06 - Let go of me.- Aw!
469 00:25:08 Fuck!
470 00:25:10 - Ooh!- Fucking asshole!
471 00:25:13 Fucking shit.
472 00:25:16 Fucking asshole.
473 00:25:18 This guy's a pedophiliac, here,and he's after all your kids.
474 00:25:21 You better get out of here.
475 00:25:23 You fucking perverted fucking asshole!
476 00:25:29 What the fuck?Hang on a second.
477 00:25:31 He's the fucking kid diddler, not me.I'm a hero!
478 00:25:39 - Sure you won't die up there?- I've done smaller spaces, trust me.
479 00:25:43 Well, if you don't make it, son,I got a cigar box, make a nice casket.
480 00:25:47 Who you calling "son"?
481 00:25:49 Well, I'm proud to say that my pussyis color-blind, so you never know.
482 00:25:52 Oh!
483 00:25:55 Whoa! You go, little sperm.Get up in there.
484 00:26:01 Well, you don't seesomething like that every day.
485 00:26:13 Ow! Bottles! Recycle that shit!
486 00:26:18 Oh! What the fuck is tha... Oh, shit! No!
487 00:26:31 Hey.
488 00:26:34 I always wanted to fuck me a Santa.
489 00:26:37 Well, I always wanted to shiton a tattooed dick
490 00:26:40 so we're perfect for each other.
491 00:26:43 - Cook, let's go.- See you in my dreams, chief.
492 00:26:50 Thank you.
493 00:26:53 You're not the first volunteerto go off the rails.
494 00:26:55 Lucky for you, Giving Cityhas a high standing in the community,
495 00:26:58 so you won't get charged.
496 00:27:00 You can turn in your suitwhen you clean yourself up.
497 00:27:02 Now, hang on a second. You're firing me?
498 00:27:05 I rooted out a pervert.
499 00:27:07 You should be throwing mea fucking parade.
500 00:27:09 And we're very grateful.But you reek of whiskey.
501 00:27:13 You know the rulesand you're flouting them.
502 00:27:15 Flouting?
503 00:27:16 I never sucked jizz out of nobody's ass.I mean, with a straw.
504 00:27:20 I believe that's felching.
505 00:27:22 Not that I would know.
506 00:27:24 Uh, happy holidays, Mr. Cook.Consider your freedom a gift from me.
507 00:27:31 Well, hang on a second. Hang on!I only had one drink.
508 00:27:36 And that was just to keep warm out there.I'm freezing my nuts off.
509 00:27:39 And if we're being honest here,you, you guys should be supplying us
510 00:27:42 with some kind of electric underwearor some shit.
511 00:27:45 Oh, well, if we're being honest,I don't like being lied to.
512 00:27:50 - Please. I need this.- Why do you care so much?
513 00:27:54 Why do I care? Why do I care.
514 00:28:01 I'll tell you why I care.Because the world's a fucking shit hole.
515 00:28:05 But when I put this suit on,I feel like...
516 00:28:08 Well, I feel like General MacArthurmust have felt when he put his uniform on
517 00:28:13 and went and killed all them Filipinos.
518 00:28:14 Look, I, I put up witha lot of shit from kids...
519 00:28:17 For the kids.I won't piss on the suit. I really won't.
520 00:28:24 I mean, give a broke-dickmotherfucker a chance, will you?
521 00:28:28 Fine. I'll give you a second chance.If you give me a chance to help you.
522 00:28:34 All right.
523 00:29:14 How we looking, Alice?
524 00:29:16 Well, according to this report,
525 00:29:17 Giving City's gonna losea record amount of money this year.
526 00:29:20 Ugh, every time you say that,my dick gets so hard.
527 00:29:23 - Okay.- Hey, why don't we just do it right now.
528 00:29:26 - Come on.- No.
529 00:29:27 I'll up your commissionto five percent.
530 00:29:29 Make it ten, and I'll let you dothat thing with my shoe.
531 00:29:32 Both shoes. And you have to watch.
532 00:29:34 Deal.
533 00:29:39 - You can't smoke here, sir.- So call the fucking law.
534 00:29:43 And while they're rollingtheir fat asses down here,
535 00:29:45 I'll be smoking like an old Buick,all right?
536 00:29:49 Arrested? Christ! William.
537 00:29:53 - Not arrested. I was detained.- Yeah. Shot of gin.
538 00:29:58 What were you thinking?You could have fucked this whole thing up.
539 00:30:02 - I handled it.- Mmm.
540 00:30:04 Told her I'd go to an AA meeting with her.
541 00:30:06 Don't buy their shit, William.No such thing as an alcoholic.
542 00:30:12 Just a sign of a weak liver.
543 00:30:13 I said I fucking handled it.What are you, deaf?
544 00:30:16 Well, you talk like you have a cockin your mouth, shitstick.
545 00:30:21 Hey, you know why we call him "shitstick"?
546 00:30:24 Because even when he was a baby,he tried to butt-fuck everything.
547 00:30:27 - Goddamn it.- Stuffed monkey, neighbor's dog.
548 00:30:31 I'm telling you,if it had a butt, he'd try to fuck it.
549 00:30:34 He's with his little nub, going.
550 00:30:39 Anyway, I think you ought to be workingthe sexual angle with her,
551 00:30:43 because I know for a factthat that husband isn't getting it done.
552 00:30:46 That guy never rocked a clit in his life.
553 00:30:48 And that is one piece of motherly adviceI hope you took to heart.
554 00:30:52 You motorboat that O-buttontill she's speaking in tongues.
555 00:30:57 - You know what "son" means, right?- When did you turn into such a pussy?
556 00:31:05 - Don't worry, I'm fine.- I'm not worried.
557 00:31:09 I just don't want you hacking upyour lung in my drink, okay?
558 00:31:12 Not a chance.Nah, this chassis' built to last.
559 00:31:15 You know,I smoked two packs of menthols a day,
560 00:31:19 washed it down with a liter of this gin...
561 00:31:22 And I could still fill that shot glasswith this man's jizz.
562 00:31:26 - I said I don't give a shit, okay?- Fine. I get it. You're mad at me.
563 00:31:32 You think I was really readyto be a mom at 13?
564 00:31:35 Huh? We were gonna waitat least another year.
565 00:31:38 I mean, the one timeyour son of a bitch father
566 00:31:40 didn't put it in my ass,I had to go and get pregnant.
567 00:31:43 - Shit happens.- That's fucking beautiful.
568 00:31:46 Look, I'm not gonna pretendI was a perfect mother.
569 00:31:49 Yeah, no shit.
570 00:31:50 You made me take the fall for youwhen I was 11.
571 00:31:54 Well, there's no sense in usboth going down.
572 00:31:56 Besides, it made a man of you.You are who you are because of me.
573 00:32:01 No, I'm not anything like you.
574 00:32:04 Yeah?Well, you keep telling yourself that.
575 00:32:07 Now where's your fucking midget?It's getting late.
576 00:32:15 ♪ Pop that pussyHey, pop that pussy, baby ♪
577 00:32:18 What... What is that?
578 00:32:20 Shit!
579 00:32:21 What, do you havea speaker up there?
580 00:32:24 Dorfman, get up here.
581 00:32:26 You sure it was a phone ring?Might have just been the fan turning over.
582 00:32:32 Well, Dorfman, last time I checked,fans don't "Pop That Pussy."
583 00:32:36 No, I suppose they don't.
584 00:32:38 No, I think Diane hired someoneto spy on me.
585 00:32:40 - Diane? That doesn't sound like her.- I want you to watch her.
586 00:32:44 Anything unusual, I wanna know about it.And cover the whole building.
587 00:32:46 I'm talking microphones,cameras, everything.
588 00:32:49 Copy. Ladies' roomis already taken care of.
589 00:32:53 He's fucking Alice.
590 00:32:56 - Go figure.- Why the fuck would you call me?
591 00:32:59 Well, you're the geniuswho left your ringer on.
592 00:33:01 Because you the only two people I know.Why would you call?
593 00:33:04 What's she doingwith that shoe? Oh, God!
594 00:33:08 He heard a noise in the fucking vent.What's the big deal?
595 00:33:10 He heard "Pop That Pussy" in the vent,and that is a big fucking deal.
596 00:33:15 Think she knows?
597 00:33:16 - Who?- You know, the redheaded gal, Diane.
598 00:33:19 That her husband'sfooling around with the help?
599 00:33:20 I'm saying, do you think she knowsthat her fucking husband
600 00:33:23 is ripping off the goddamn charity?
601 00:33:26 Who gives a shit?As long as she doesn't get in the way.
602 00:33:28 - Can you crack the safe?- Of course I can crack the fucking safe.
603 00:33:32 Probably take me about three minutes.Three and a half tops.
604 00:33:35 Well, you shave a minute off that,you may be good for something.
605 00:33:38 - What about the alarm system?- It's a Centaur 2100.
606 00:33:42 We power it down,we have ten minutes before it reboots.
607 00:33:45 But I'm gonna need a keyto the electrical room to access it.
608 00:33:48 - It's the only way in.- Ah, shit, how are we gonna get that?
609 00:33:57 Don't eventhink about it, Willie.
610 00:33:59 That big bitch is mine.
611 00:34:03 He should show you some respect.
612 00:34:06 - You're the talent, not him.- Hey, Randall!
613 00:34:09 Mind giving me a hand over here?
614 00:34:10 I've gotta get this stuffto the auditorium.
615 00:34:12 He'd love to, darling.Strong, strapping man like him.
616 00:34:16 Clitoris, son. Do it for Mama.
617 00:34:19 Thanks, Sunny.
618 00:34:20 She's so sweet. I wish I hada hundred volunteers like her.
619 00:34:23 Oh, yeah, she's something.I'm sure they only made one of her.
620 00:34:33 How you doing, beautiful?
621 00:34:35 - Gina, was it?- That's right.
622 00:34:37 - Ronald. We haven't officially met.- Well, hello, Ronald. Officially.
623 00:34:41 I bet you got no ideahow beautiful you really are.
624 00:34:45 I don't know.I think I've got some idea.
625 00:34:48 - Oh, you do, do you?- Maybe a little.
626 00:34:50 I don't mean to be indiscreet,but I do pretty well.
627 00:34:53 So if you can't bring your A game,don't even try.
628 00:34:57 Sweetheart, I'm not sureyou could handle my A game.
629 00:35:00 You get one hit of meand you'll be addicted.
630 00:35:02 - I like your confidence.- I'd light you up like the Fourth of July.
631 00:35:07 Look, Ronald,I'm just gonna cut to the chase here.
632 00:35:11 I am strictly first-class.
633 00:35:13 I'm talking Chrysler 300,factory-direct, fully loaded.
634 00:35:19 And after that... lobster.
635 00:35:22 Now if you think you can handle that,
636 00:35:24 then maybe, just maybe,I'll pencil you in.
637 00:35:29 Bye.
638 00:35:31 ♪ Joy to the world, the Lord is come ♪
639 00:35:37 Aren't they great?
640 00:35:39 Regent likes to focus on the business,but I'm like you.
641 00:35:42 I am all about those kidsand the Christmas concert.
642 00:35:44 We all participate.
643 00:35:46 Volunteers, staff.If you're interested, you could join us.
644 00:35:50 You outta your goddamn mind?
645 00:35:52 I ain't dancing aroundwith a bunch of candy canes and shit.
646 00:35:56 Because I'm all aboutthe birth of Christmas.
647 00:35:59 You know, the wise guys
648 00:36:02 kicked him out of the hoteland the ejaculate conception
649 00:36:06 and the drummer that didn't have shitto give him but some perfume...
650 00:36:09 And the King Midas or one of themthreatened to cut the kid in half,
651 00:36:14 turn him into gold and but, see, I...
652 00:36:16 It's a heavy deal for me.Pretty damn heavy.
653 00:36:20 Are you talking aboutthe true meaning of Christmas?
654 00:36:24 - Exactly.- Right.
655 00:36:27 Don't forget about the meetingtomorrow night at 7:30.
656 00:36:29 - Oh, yeah.- Hey, it's only scary the first time.
657 00:36:46 - Does this bus go to Chicago?- No.
658 00:36:48 Son, this bus goesto the Arrowhead Premium Outlets.
659 00:36:51 - Is that close to Chicago?- No.
660 00:36:54 Okay.
661 00:37:00 How do I look?
662 00:37:02 You look like one of those trollsthat gang-fucked Willy Wonka.
663 00:37:06 Good one, shitstick.
664 00:37:09 Hey, Shaft, you ready to stick itto this chick tonight?
665 00:37:13 Bitch, let me tell you something.
666 00:37:14 When I was at the pen,everyone called me tripod.
667 00:37:20 Well, if your legs are six inches long,
668 00:37:22 that's not that bigof a fucking deal, see.
669 00:37:24 Now, if you're six foot fiveand they called you tripod,
670 00:37:27 then you're talking about something.
671 00:37:29 - Miserable fucks, both of you.- Mm.
672 00:37:34 - Goddamn, did you eat your own shit?- No, I've been eating caramels.
673 00:37:38 You know how caramelsmake Mama belch. Remember?
674 00:37:42 No. No, I don't.
675 00:37:44 No, come on. You remember.
676 00:37:46 Look, when you were a baby,
677 00:37:49 I used to chew and feed you caramels,just like a mama bird does.
678 00:37:54 I'd chew and chew and chewtill they were all milky.
679 00:38:00 Goddamn.
680 00:38:01 And then I'd...spit them right in your little mouth.
681 00:38:04 And you'd just,you'd just squint your little...
682 00:38:07 Can't you see I'm trying to eata fucking pizza here?
683 00:38:14 I swear to God, a fucking electric oven.
684 00:38:47 Anyway, it took this new set of teethto finally see the light.
685 00:38:56 Jesus, I already need a fucking drink.
686 00:38:59 People ask meif I miss my old teeth.
687 00:39:01 But sometimes, you have tolose something to gain something.
688 00:39:09 Now, I'm dating again,and I'm ready to find The One.
689 00:39:14 Thank you for that, Jason.
690 00:39:16 - With no teeth, he ought to try dudes.- Terrible.
691 00:39:20 Would anyone else care to share?
692 00:39:24 Anyone?
693 00:39:27 The stage is yours.
694 00:39:29 - Hi, I'm Diane and I'm an alcoholic.- Hi, Diane.
695 00:39:33 Maybe next time,you'll feel comfortable speaking.
696 00:39:36 I don't know about that.
697 00:39:41 Okay. Fine.
698 00:39:43 Maybe you can just talk to meif that's easier.
699 00:39:46 Do you ever feel like you hit rock bottom?
700 00:39:50 You gotta be shitting me.
701 00:39:52 I sure did. In my late 20's.
702 00:39:55 You know, some peoplecan have one drink and they're fine.
703 00:39:58 I am not that kind of person. I get wild.
704 00:40:01 - I'm all ears. How wild?- What?
705 00:40:04 You mean like sex stuff?That kind of thing?
706 00:40:08 Yes.
707 00:40:09 Alcohol led me to makesome not-so-good choices.
708 00:40:12 But I've cleaned up my life.
709 00:40:14 - I met Regent...- Wait a minute, hang on.
710 00:40:16 You picked that douche bag upwhen you were sober?
711 00:40:20 He was differentwhen he was in the Peace Corps.
712 00:40:22 He helped me find focus.
713 00:40:24 You don't understand, it was bad.Three-ways, five-ways...
714 00:40:28 Five-ways? How many holes do you have?
715 00:40:32 - Anyway, the drinking had to stop.- Yeah, I guess so.
716 00:40:36 It was probably making you forgetall the fun you had.
717 00:40:39 I'm talking about addiction, Mr. Cook.
718 00:40:42 Like sex? Or booze?
719 00:40:45 Listen, I'll tell you what,
720 00:40:47 I'd like to get you inthat back seat there.
721 00:40:50 And tear your little panties offand get that ass in my face
722 00:40:53 and just fuck that pussylike you can't imagine.
723 00:40:57 Excuse me?
724 00:40:59 You filthy, dirty...
725 00:41:02 Well, I thought that's whatwe were talking about here.
726 00:41:04 Get out of my car!
727 00:41:07 - Damn, no sweat.- Unbelievable.
728 00:41:08 Goddamn.
729 00:41:11 - I'm trying to help you.- Look, I'm sorry.
730 00:41:13 I fucking read you wrong. I was just...
731 00:41:22 Well, thank you, Ronald.
732 00:41:24 - That was some fine crustacean.- Yeah.
733 00:41:28 Maybe we should take this upstairs.
734 00:41:30 - Hmm.- What?
735 00:41:32 When it's right, it's right.I feel it, you feel it?
736 00:41:35 - You're really fun, but just...- I'm not tall enough for you?
737 00:41:38 - What?- Go on and say it.
738 00:41:39 No! Your height has nothing to do with it.I don't even see height.
739 00:41:43 What's the trouble, then, baby?
740 00:41:45 You're just not my type.I'm into older guys.
741 00:41:48 You know, like, older Jewish guys,older Irish guys, dads.
742 00:41:52 Not my dad, other people's dads.They're the best.
743 00:41:55 You know, they're usually into anal.But their wives won't give it up.
744 00:41:58 But I don't mind. I'm just into, you know,more mature, experienced guys.
745 00:42:03 Guys who are well-traveled,cultured and into butt stuff.
746 00:42:06 Bad boys, you know. Guys who don'tgive a fuck and treat me like shit.
747 00:42:10 A guy who if I asked him to choke me,would enjoy it just a little too much.
748 00:42:14 Damn, girl, I wouldn't pick you outfor that kind of shit.
749 00:42:17 Christmas in general gets me so drenched.
750 00:42:19 I mean, a guy breaks into your house,eats your food
751 00:42:22 and then punishes youbecause you were naughty.
752 00:42:24 I think I'm gonna go upstairsand watch It's a Wonderful Life
753 00:42:27 and rub one out right now.
754 00:42:30 But thanks for the lobster.
755 00:42:35 Ain't that but a bitch!
756 00:42:37 Done ate ten pounds of lobster
757 00:42:39 and I didn't even get a chanceto smell that pussy.
758 00:42:41 Damn. Shit.
759 00:42:50 Fine, get in.
760 00:42:51 Regent and I haven't had sexin over a decade.
761 00:42:54 We stay together for the charity.
762 00:42:56 I'm a good girl, Mr. Cook,but sometimes I need to be bad.
763 00:43:00 Now get your filthy ass in the car.
764 00:43:03 See, that's what I thought.
765 00:43:06 Oh, yeah!
766 00:43:08 Fuck me like the dirty little slutthat I am.
767 00:43:11 Call me Santa.
768 00:43:13 - What?- Call me Santa.
769 00:43:15 Don't be weird. Tell me how dirty this is.
770 00:43:18 - Call me Santa.- Shut up.
771 00:43:22 And spit on me.
772 00:43:25 Fuck!
773 00:43:29 - Tell me how dirty it is.- Okay.
774 00:43:33 U h, it's a dumpster in an alley.
775 00:43:36 It's pretty, pretty fucking dirty,I guess.
776 00:43:38 - Tell me it's fucking dirty!- Okay, it's fucking dirty.
777 00:43:43 It's dirty.
778 00:43:45 Yes, it's dirty.
779 00:43:49 - Oh, oh, fuck me. I'm so dirty.- Yeah.
780 00:43:59 It was a one-time thing.That never happened.
781 00:44:04 All right.
782 00:44:14 What the fuck?
783 00:44:16 I'm not missing The Bachelor finale.
784 00:44:18 I gotta see who the dingleberrygives his last rose to,
785 00:44:22 Goiter Face or Drunk Slut.
786 00:44:26 Fuck! Oh! Get out of my brain!
787 00:44:29 - Hey, Homeo, you got the key?- I'm gonna need a little more time.
788 00:44:33 Christ, am I the only one gettinganything done here tonight?
789 00:44:39 And I thought my family was fucked.
790 00:44:41 Is he always this fucking useless?
791 00:44:44 - Ow!- Oh, call the medic!
792 00:44:54 ♪ Frosty the SnowmanWas a jolly happy soul ♪
793 00:44:59 ♪ With a corn cob pipe and a button noseAnd two eyes made of out coal ♪
794 00:45:04 ♪ Frosty the SnowmanIs a fairy tale they say ♪
795 00:45:09 ♪ He was made of snowBut the children know ♪
796 00:45:12 ♪ How he came to life one day ♪
797 00:45:14 ♪ For Frosty the SnowmanHad to hurry on... ♪
798 00:45:19 - Do you know Willie?- Willie? No.
799 00:45:22 - Who the hell is Willie?- Can I ride the bicycle now?
800 00:45:31 Why the fuck were they at an AA meeting?
801 00:45:33 I don't know.
802 00:45:34 - Maybe he's an alcoholic.- Brilliant insight, Dorfman.
803 00:45:37 No, I'm wondering why they were together.
804 00:45:40 I wanna know who he is.
805 00:45:41 Find out everything.Schools, arrests, financials, meds.
806 00:45:44 Whatever's out there on this guy,I wanna see it.
807 00:45:46 Copy.
808 00:45:48 Yeah, do I need to seduce that girlmyself to get that key?
809 00:45:51 Because I can. Wouldn't be the first time.
810 00:45:53 Please don't make me picture that.I'm on it.
811 00:45:56 Well, you better be.
812 00:45:58 Or else I'll get her done.
813 00:46:00 I need full dossier on a Randall Cook.
814 00:46:06 Yes, I said "dossier."
815 00:46:08 I'm sorry. I was under the impressionthat was the correct nomenclature.
816 00:46:13 "Nomenclature."
817 00:46:16 Fine! A file, then.
818 00:46:18 Asshole.
819 00:46:19 ♪ Everybody shake your ungh ♪
820 00:46:21 ♪ Shake it to the leftShake it to the right ♪
821 00:46:23 ♪ Shake it to the east, babyShake it all night ♪
822 00:46:25 ♪ Shake it to the leftShake it to the right ♪
823 00:46:27 ♪ Shake it to the west, babyShake it all night ♪
824 00:46:29 ♪ Move your feetCome on ♪
825 00:46:32 Shitstick! Let's go!I got a side gig, just the two of us.
826 00:46:37 - I'm busy.- I said get in the van.
827 00:46:41 I said I'm fucking busy!
828 00:46:49 One fucking thing I get to enjoyand you shit on that too.
829 00:46:52 So I help field incoming callsfor the Santa appearances
830 00:46:57 and shows and whatnot,so I snagged this one just for us.
831 00:47:05 Every year, these rich assholes throwthis huge party to benefit the needy kids.
832 00:47:09 And this year, they requestedMr. and Mrs. Santa Claus.
833 00:47:12 So, while you're playing Santa,I'm gonna clean these buggers out.
834 00:47:16 Hang on a second here.
835 00:47:17 I'm gonna spend my whole daywith a bunch of damn kids on my lap?
836 00:47:20 - I'm retired from that shit anyway.- Give me that.
837 00:47:23 Give me that, you fucking lush.
838 00:47:25 - I need you sharp.- Goddamn it.
839 00:47:28 ♪ Dashing through the snowIn a one-horse open sleigh ♪
840 00:47:33 ♪ O'er the fields we goLaughing all the way ♪
841 00:47:38 ♪ Ha ha haBells on bobtails ring ♪
842 00:47:41 ♪ Making spirits bright ♪
843 00:47:44 ♪ Oh, what fun it is to rideAnd sing these songs tonight ♪
844 00:47:48 - Hey, keep those coming, will you?- Mm-hmm.
845 00:47:51 ♪ Jingle all the way ♪
846 00:47:56 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.
847 00:47:58 Seriously, you need togive my bike back. Now.
848 00:48:01 Where are the cherry pop ladies?
849 00:48:07 Oh, Gina!
850 00:48:11 Oh, hey!
851 00:48:12 - You're not mad, are you?- Mad? No. Because I get you.
852 00:48:17 You a woman of high standards,
853 00:48:19 refined taste...
854 00:48:21 - What's up, girl?- Ooh. You know what's up, playa.
855 00:48:23 I'm sorry, what?
856 00:48:34 What the hell are you looking at meso funny for?
857 00:48:37 Sorry, Santa. I had to go.
858 00:48:42 Oh, is that you?I thought it was me.
859 00:48:46 Hey, Greta. Could you, uh, get me a ragand a real drink, please?
860 00:48:50 Of course. I'll be right back.
861 00:48:57 Come on. Get out of here.Put a fucking diaper on.
862 00:49:06 - Hey, you're wet.- No shit. What can I do for you?
863 00:49:09 Will you be able to find meat my grandma's house in Grand Rapids?
864 00:49:13 Because no one's going to beat our Chicago house for two weeks.
865 00:49:18 Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I'll find you.But, hey, do Santy a favor, will you?
866 00:49:23 You know the addressof where you're not gonna be?
867 00:49:25 Write it down on a piece of paperand bring it back to Santy, will you?
868 00:49:29 All right, honey. Good girl.
869 00:49:32 What do you want?
870 00:49:33 I want Minecraft, Halo 5 Guardians,Rise of the Tomb Raider,
871 00:49:36 Project X Zone Two, Assassin's CreedChronicles Trilogy, As...
872 00:49:39 Yeah, yeah. That's great, that's great.I, I don't know.
873 00:49:41 - Call of Duty Black Ops III...- I don't know what you're talking about.
874 00:49:43 I have no idea what that shit is.
875 00:49:45 You could be speaking fucking Swahiliand I wouldn't know any better.
876 00:49:48 - Grand Theft Auto V.- Nah, I don't care.
877 00:49:56 What can I get you?
878 00:49:57 A stuffed cow that moosbut doesn't poop.
879 00:49:59 - Some duct tape so I can build a boat.- What?
880 00:50:04 A stuffed cow that moos but doesn't poop.Some duct tape so I can build a boat.
881 00:50:08 Okay.
882 00:50:11 Have a seat. What can Santy Claus get you?
883 00:50:14 A penguin. It doesn't have to be alive.
884 00:50:28 - What's up, champ?- I want a hand grenade.
885 00:50:31 Yeah, well, I want a hand release,
886 00:50:33 but you don't see meholding my breath, do you?
887 00:50:35 - What's a hand release?- It's kind of a compromise.
888 00:50:38 Anyway, Santy ain't no arms dealer,so I can't help you out.
889 00:50:42 See you later.
890 00:50:52 Let's go.
891 00:51:01 Oops!
892 00:51:03 Walk. Don't run!
893 00:51:07 That's quite a grip you got there.What are you, a lumberjack?
894 00:51:10 - Shot put. Olympic alternate.- Nice.
895 00:51:13 Hey, listen, can you kind of stay upon the business end
896 00:51:16 and stay away from the nuts?
897 00:51:18 Maybe if you put your thumb up my ass?
898 00:51:21 No, I don't do that.
899 00:51:24 - Kiddums.- Goddamn it. That's my mom.
900 00:51:27 - Time to get a move on.- Ew. Your mom?
901 00:51:31 Yeah. Help me zip this shit.
902 00:51:33 What? Ugh.
903 00:51:44 Davis! Davis!
904 00:51:47 - Where's your friend at?- I ain't got any fucking friends!
905 00:51:50 Hey, watch your language.
906 00:51:52 Why don't I watch my dick go in and outof your wife's pussy lips while I'm at it?
907 00:51:55 Oh, yeah? Well, joke's on youbecause my wife died six months ago. Boom!
908 00:52:00 Like that will fucking stop me?Rigor mortis just make the pussy tighter.
909 00:52:05 Oh. Where's Cook?
910 00:52:09 You see that?
911 00:52:12 Huh? Yeah.
912 00:52:15 - We still got it, kid.- Yeah, I guess so.
913 00:52:18 It was always supposedto be this way, William.
914 00:52:21 You, me. Before I fucked it all up.
915 00:52:27 But even when I was in the joint,I thought of you.
916 00:52:30 And I always had a drinkon your birthday... January third.
917 00:52:35 Seventh.
918 00:52:37 - August fourth.- Fourth?
919 00:52:40 And August. Yeah.
920 00:52:42 Well, fuck a duck.Anyway, uh, the point is that I miss this.
921 00:52:47 Just think of the damage we could do.Just the two of us. All the time.
922 00:52:53 Hey. You know what? I got you a gift.
923 00:52:56 You never got me a giftin my entire fucking life.
924 00:52:59 Well, boohoo.
925 00:53:00 You think it was raining presentsin my backyard when I was a kid?
926 00:53:05 Look, I'm trying to make upfor lost time here.
927 00:53:09 - You know, be a better...- Parent?
928 00:53:14 Yeah. I found this in the bedside table.
929 00:53:18 Think fast.
930 00:53:19 The fuck?
931 00:53:22 - Don't do that.- Oh, that's for me.
932 00:53:25 Shut up.
933 00:53:27 - Pew-pew.- Don't touch me with the fucking thing.
934 00:53:30 No, seriously. I did get you a gift.
935 00:53:35 - I want you to have this.- What the fuck's that for?
936 00:53:39 The midget. He tried to kill you once.I'm not gonna give him a second chance.
937 00:53:44 - I think he knows better by now, okay?- Hey, hey, hey.
938 00:53:50 You're my shitstick. And nobody'sgonna mess with you on my watch.
939 00:53:59 I'm fine.
940 00:54:07 We gotta get rid of this van and split up.
941 00:54:09 - Hey, pull over right here.- What for?
942 00:54:11 Just fucking pull over, okay?
943 00:54:17 Okay, just wait right here.Keep it running.
944 00:54:20 Be right back.
945 00:54:35 Wow.
946 00:54:37 Okay, go, go, go, go, go!
947 00:54:38 Hey! Hey! Open the door!
948 00:54:43 - Fuck!- What you got?
949 00:54:47 Here, drink this.
950 00:54:51 - You sweet little muskrat.- Don't get all choked up.
951 00:54:54 I'm just tired of that fucking coughing.
952 00:54:57 Ahhh.
953 00:54:58 - I hadn't gotten 'tussed up in a while.- Yeah.
954 00:55:02 Nothing but an old addresssomewhere outside Albany.
955 00:55:05 - Nothing else? Shit.- The guy's a ghost.
956 00:55:08 Okay, call Detective O'Neillat Precinct 12.
957 00:55:10 - Have him run a facial rec.- Fuck yeah. Facial rec.
958 00:55:13 - That's a level-nine surveillance.- Yeah.
959 00:55:32 Yes! Oh! Oh!
960 00:55:37 - Don't hold back.- Don't hold back?
961 00:55:39 What do you want, a fucking jackhammer?Goddamn, I nearly broke my fucking pelvis.
962 00:55:42 No, I mean hurry up and cum.I can hear someone.
963 00:55:45 Call me "Santa."
964 00:55:47 Fine.
965 00:55:49 - Fuck me, Santa.- Louder.
966 00:55:51 - Fuck me, Santa!- There you go.
967 00:55:53 Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!
968 00:55:55 Fuck me, Santa!Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!
969 00:55:59 Fuck me, Santa!
970 00:56:01 Fuck me, Santa!Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!
971 00:56:04 - No, more.- Oh, fuck me, Santa!
972 00:56:06 Fuck me, Santa!Fuck me, Santa!
973 00:56:09 Oh.
974 00:56:11 Merry fucking Christmas.
975 00:56:20 - All right, then.- That also...
976 00:56:22 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know, I know!Uh, it never happened. I get it.
977 00:56:26 U m, I ain't exactly what you callthe romantic type, you know.
978 00:56:32 I don't go in for all the sappy shit.
979 00:56:34 But, um, I gotta tell you,you got gigantic titties.
980 00:56:40 - And that's no shit.- Um... thanks?
981 00:56:46 No sweat.
982 00:56:49 See you.
983 00:56:53 Fuck.
984 00:56:55 - This better be an emergency.- Willie, where are you?
985 00:56:58 I'm in Chicago,but I can't find you anywhere.
986 00:57:00 Wait, hang on a second.What are you doing in fucking Chicago?
987 00:57:04 I wanted to surprise you for Christmas.
988 00:57:06 The best Christmas giftsare always a surprise.
989 00:57:08 Are you off of your goddamn nut?Is that what you do?
990 00:57:12 You follow peopleall the way across the fucking country?
991 00:57:15 Not everyone. Just you.
992 00:57:16 - Are you surprised?- No, this shit happens every day.
993 00:57:20 - It does?- No. On what fucking planet...?
994 00:57:24 Never mind.What the fuck are you doing?
995 00:57:26 Uh, Willie, it's really cold here.I didn't bring a coat. Only my gloves.
996 00:57:30 Goddamn it.You gotta be shitting me.
997 00:57:33 Do you got a pencilor some shit to write on?
998 00:57:51 Who is it?
999 00:57:59 - Who the fuck are you?- Grandma Willie!
1000 00:58:05 And Willie was in such a hurryto get me my elephant
1001 00:58:07 that I guess he forgot to pay for it.
1002 00:58:09 And that made the policemen really mad.So they followed him back to the house.
1003 00:58:13 And Willie ran really fastand he almost got to the door,
1004 00:58:16 but then they shot himlike eight times in the back.
1005 00:58:19 In the cowboy movies,they say that's not even fair.
1006 00:58:21 And this is the first presentWillie ever got me for Christmas.
1007 00:58:26 With his blood.
1008 00:58:29 - Willie, you're home!- Goddamn, kid. Watch the spine bone.
1009 00:58:33 I was just telling your momhow you're a hero.
1010 00:58:36 Yeah, yeah. Hang on a second.
1011 00:58:39 You didn't bring a fucking coat,but you brought that elephant?
1012 00:58:42 - You didn't tell me to bring a coat.- I didn't tell you to come.
1013 00:58:45 - Is this your spawn?- Do I look like I made him?
1014 00:58:49 Well, if this ain'tfetal alcohol syndrome,
1015 00:58:51 then what the fuck is it?
1016 00:58:52 - He keeps trying to make me a sandwich.- That's what he does.
1017 00:58:57 Elf!
1018 00:59:00 Hey! You get that key?
1019 00:59:04 You got smaller.
1020 00:59:09 What the... Am I tripping?
1021 00:59:13 You might be, because,you know, certain pussy
1022 00:59:15 has hallucinogenic aftereffectsif you eat too much of it.
1023 00:59:19 I found out the hard way oncewhen I messed with my own kind.
1024 00:59:23 One time, I ate too much turkey bacon,I didn't poop for two weeks.
1025 00:59:27 For four weeks.
1026 00:59:33 - The key, shorty.- Okay, first of all, fuck you!
1027 00:59:36 See that? I told you.I knew he didn't have it in him.
1028 00:59:40 And second of all,what in the fuck is he doing here?
1029 00:59:43 - That is not how you serve a sandwich.- Willie.
1030 00:59:46 I'm working on it, okay?
1031 00:59:49 Hey, kid, listen.
1032 00:59:51 This is really not the right placefor you to be, okay?
1033 00:59:54 Because there's not enough beds?I only counted one, plus a couch.
1034 00:59:58 - Exactly.- You should get bunk beds, Willie.
1035 01:00:00 Yeah, maybe we'll do that.
1036 01:00:02 But, uh, in the meantime,let's you and me head out, all right?
1037 01:00:05 Bye, Elf. Bye, Willie's mom.
1038 01:00:08 My mom's in Jesus' house with Maryand Joseph and the talking walnut.
1039 01:00:13 - You 100 percent sure he's not yours?- Yeah.
1040 01:00:16 Well, then, cut him loose.Set some boundaries, for chrissake.
1041 01:00:19 You can't have every strayfollowing you around like a lost puppy.
1042 01:00:23 - Jesus!- I said I'm going, okay?
1043 01:00:25 Can we get a Chicago pizza?It's like pizza, but in Chicago.
1044 01:00:30 Yeah, we'll get a pizza. No sweat.
1045 01:00:38 This is really fun, Willie.I didn't even know you had a mom.
1046 01:00:42 - What'd you think? I was just hatched?- Well, where were you born?
1047 01:00:46 I was born in the Pulaski County JuvenileDetention Center in Little Rock, Arkansas.
1048 01:00:51 - Oh, that sounds really nice.- Well, it wasn't nice.
1049 01:00:56 And she's a mean fucking bitch,so don't go getting any ideas, all right?
1050 01:00:59 Well, sometimes you're not nice.But you're still Santa.
1051 01:01:03 Listen kid, seriously.You're all grown-up and shit now, okay?
1052 01:01:08 - You gotta stop that.- Well, I know you're not the Santa.
1053 01:01:11 But you're still my Santa.
1054 01:01:22 Come on. Let's go.
1055 01:02:06 Fuck.
1056 01:02:46 Fuck! Fucking pussy!
1057 01:02:59 Look at all the Santas!I really get to stay here?
1058 01:03:02 Goddamn right.
1059 01:03:05 So how long is the kid staying here?
1060 01:03:08 Hell if I know,I ain't his fucking secretary.
1061 01:03:10 - You run the joint.- Cook, you crack me up.
1062 01:03:15 I what?
1063 01:03:18 Boarding room's downstairs on the left.Any bed that's not taken.
1064 01:03:26 Alrighty, here we go.
1065 01:03:28 Now listen,don't be sitting on any toilet seats.
1066 01:03:30 If you gotta take a shitjust stand over it, couple of feet away,
1067 01:03:33 take aim and blow it in there.
1068 01:03:35 'Cause I'm pretty sure crabs can jump.All right?
1069 01:03:37 Don't let anybody muscle up on youin the showers either,
1070 01:03:40 because they'll try.
1071 01:03:41 And if a fight breaks out, go straightfor the nuts or gouge an eye out.
1072 01:03:48 I don't think I like it here, Willie.
1073 01:03:51 Then you should go home,like I told you to start with.
1074 01:03:53 But it's not home if there's nobody there.
1075 01:03:56 What about Granny?I'm sure she misses you.
1076 01:03:58 - She died.- When?
1077 01:04:00 Two years ago.
1078 01:04:01 Same day as the President's Day saleat Blue Mesa Toyota and Scion
1079 01:04:04 where they put the "whee" in wheels.
1080 01:04:08 Well, Granny had a good run.
1081 01:04:09 She was about150 fucking years old, anyway.
1082 01:04:12 Look at this, this is not so bad.Look, you got bunk beds.
1083 01:04:16 Look at that.
1084 01:04:17 Ow! Goddamn, kid! Fuck!
1085 01:04:21 - Will we have Christmas together?- Fuck, I don't know.
1086 01:04:23 - But, Willie...- No "but, Willie." Goddamn it!
1087 01:04:26 I've been chasing your ass offever since I fucking met you.
1088 01:04:29 Do you not take a hint?I fucking told you that I ain't that guy.
1089 01:04:33 Life sucks a big, giant dick, kid.
1090 01:04:36 But you're a fucking man nowand you gotta face up to it.
1091 01:04:39 Welcome to the shit show.
1092 01:04:42 - But you're my family.- No, I'm not your family.
1093 01:04:47 - Okay. I'll try to be a man. For you.- No, not for me. For you.
1094 01:04:54 - Even though I'm all alone.- You're not all alone.
1095 01:04:56 Are you shitting me?I mean, look around here.
1096 01:05:00 You got all these great guys.
1097 01:05:03 Except that one jerking off over there.And that one watching him jerk off.
1098 01:05:08 You know what, just kind of stayin this section right here, okay?
1099 01:05:14 You'll be fine.
1100 01:05:29 Hey.
1101 01:05:31 - Where the hell have you been?- What are you, my fucking mother?
1102 01:05:34 I've been dealing with the kid, all right?
1103 01:05:36 Oh, well, don't lose your focus.We still need that key.
1104 01:05:39 I tried seducing the girl myselfbut she's strictly dickly.
1105 01:05:42 Concert's tomorrow night.So you better step up, buddy boy.
1106 01:05:45 I thought the midget was doing it.
1107 01:05:47 Marcus couldn't fuck his way outof a wet paper bag.
1108 01:05:49 I'll make sure she knows you gotthe hots for her.
1109 01:05:53 - Really?- That's what he told me.
1110 01:05:56 Oh, here he comes.
1111 01:05:58 Of course you may have to makethe first move,
1112 01:06:00 - because he seems like the shy type.- Okay.
1113 01:06:02 Hey. We still good for tomorrow? The plan.
1114 01:06:06 - Cutting her out after the grab. Right?- Yeah, yeah. We're good.
1115 01:06:11 Come on, shitstick.Bring it on home to Mama.
1116 01:06:19 Goddamn.
1117 01:06:26 ♪ I just can't wait till Christmas day ♪
1118 01:06:30 ♪ My favorite time of the year ♪
1119 01:06:38 Hey, Cook!
1120 01:06:42 Hey, Cook!
1121 01:06:47 Mind if join you?
1122 01:06:52 It's okay to like what you see.I like what I see.
1123 01:06:57 Oh, yes!
1124 01:06:59 Oh, oh, yes!Oh, oh, yes! Yes, oh, come get there.
1125 01:07:04 Oh, God! Oh, make Mama cum.
1126 01:07:08 Don't say "Mama." No mom stuff!
1127 01:07:11 You don't stop till I say stop!
1128 01:07:14 - Okay, flip over.- Fine. Bring it.
1129 01:07:22 Are you washing your fucking handsright now?
1130 01:07:24 No.
1131 01:07:25 Oh, wait, wait. That's not my... H uh.
1132 01:07:29 Oh, my God!
1133 01:07:31 Oh, my God! That feels amazing! Holy shit!
1134 01:07:41 Harder!
1135 01:07:45 Harder! Yes!
1136 01:08:03 ♪ Holy infant so tender and mild ♪
1137 01:08:08 ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
1138 01:08:16 ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
1139 01:08:25 ♪ Silent night ♪
1140 01:08:29 - ♪ Holy night ♪- Oh, my gosh.
1141 01:08:31 You guys are really good at singing.I like to sing in the bathtub.
1142 01:08:34 I'm a soprano. My friend Ronnie saysI sound like Mariah Carey.
1143 01:08:39 - Hello. What's your name?- I'm Thurman. Thurman Merman.
1144 01:08:44 For real? Ha!
1145 01:08:48 Would you like to join us, Thurman?
1146 01:08:52 This looks like it might fit.
1147 01:08:56 - I get to wear this?- Of course you do.
1148 01:08:58 You're a Santa now, Thurman.Go ahead, put it on.
1149 01:09:07 It's got a lot of paper trash in it,
1150 01:09:09 so I think it should be a light landingfor both of you. Okay?
1151 01:09:13 So...
1152 01:09:14 Where the fuck have you been? We gottalock everything down for tomorrow.
1153 01:09:18 That's my boy!
1154 01:09:22 - Shit. How'd you get that?- He tapped that security girl.
1155 01:09:25 Ha-ha. Very funny.Wait... for real?
1156 01:09:30 I didn't exactly have to talk her into it.She was wetter than Lake Michigan.
1157 01:09:34 Matter of fact, I think she roofied me.
1158 01:09:36 Ah, rohypnol.Excellent icebreaker.
1159 01:09:39 Of course, it's harder for the girlbecause she's gotta get off
1160 01:09:42 - before the drugs soften the noodle.- Yeah.
1161 01:09:44 Ya! You no good motherfucker!
1162 01:09:45 - What the fuck?- You...
1163 01:09:47 - God!- Get off of him!
1164 01:09:48 Hey! Get off of him you little shit!
1165 01:09:50 - I'll kill your ass!- Let go of me!
1166 01:09:52 - Motherfucker!- Get off of him!
1167 01:09:53 Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
1168 01:09:56 Hey, goddamn pussy!You motherfucker!
1169 01:09:58 Just get off of him. Hey!
1170 01:10:01 Goddamn it!
1171 01:10:04 Ow!
1172 01:10:08 Goddamn!
1173 01:10:13 My first shot at a good piece of assafter nearly ten years
1174 01:10:16 and you gotta goand take a dump on that too.
1175 01:10:19 - Fuck you!- It was just business.
1176 01:10:20 You just ruineda perfectly good piece of pussy
1177 01:10:23 with that diseased-ass dick of yours.
1178 01:10:25 I'm glad I tea-bagged your drunk ass,you fucking piece-of-shit motherfucker!
1179 01:10:29 Would you get it together?Tomorrow is go time.
1180 01:10:33 I need some air.
1181 01:10:39 Now, see? Who the fuck does he thinkhe is talking to you that way?
1182 01:10:44 - That's it. We're cutting him out.- What? Fuck no.
1183 01:10:48 I mean, he's just steamed a little bit.He'll be fine.
1184 01:10:51 Okay, you wanna sharehalf of your take with him?
1185 01:10:53 - Be my guest.- You know, I don't fucking get you.
1186 01:10:56 I mean, you're the onethat brought that little shit in.
1187 01:10:58 No, shitstick. I brought you in.You're the safe cracker.
1188 01:11:03 He can't even crack his own ass.Fuck that.
1189 01:11:07 We're going to Mexico.
1190 01:11:10 It's loaded now.You're good to go.
1191 01:11:17 You did this whole fucking thing
1192 01:11:18 just to have me to goto shit-ass Mexico with you?
1193 01:11:22 I just thought it might be fun to spendChristmas with the only family I got left.
1194 01:11:26 - Why's that such a surprise?- Well...
1195 01:11:32 You know, they'd grant Charles Mansonfucking parole if it wasn't for one thing.
1196 01:11:37 - He's Charles Manson.- I get it.
1197 01:11:41 Maybe I don't blame you.But things change at the end of the road.
1198 01:11:48 Willie?
1199 01:11:51 - Willie, you in there?- Get rid of him.
1200 01:11:56 - Is this an emergency?- No.
1201 01:11:59 I just wanted to invite youto the Christmas concert tomorrow, Willie.
1202 01:12:01 I'm singing in the choir.
1203 01:12:02 We're doing all the Christmas carols,"Silent Night," "Deck the Halls,"
1204 01:12:06 "Jingle Bells," "Veni, Veni, Emmanuel ."That one's in Latin.
1205 01:12:09 I know you're busy, but it's only foran hour and all the parents are coming.
1206 01:12:13 And I know you're not my real family,
1207 01:12:15 but when you don't have real family,then you have to make a new one.
1208 01:12:18 And it's actually betterbecause then you get to pick the people
1209 01:12:20 who are in your family.
1210 01:12:22 And you're the family I picked.
1211 01:12:25 And that's why I followed you to Chicago.
1212 01:12:27 Because I didn't want youto spend Christmas alone.
1213 01:12:31 So can you come? And then maybeafter we can go to SantaCon or...
1214 01:12:34 I, I can't. I can't come.
1215 01:12:43 - Look, I'll try to make it. Okay?- Okay. I'll look for you, Willie.
1216 01:12:47 I'll look for youand I'll wave like this. Okay?
1217 01:12:49 Yeah. Okay, All right. Good deal.
1218 01:12:51 - All right. I'll see you.- Bye, Willie.
1219 01:12:56 What are you, the fucking FBI?That place is gonna be crowded.
1220 01:13:01 He won't even know I'm not there.
1221 01:13:02 - Good.- Good night, Elf!
1222 01:13:04 For a minute there,I thought you were going soft.
1223 01:13:09 I hate your guts, motherfucker.But business is business.
1224 01:13:13 Let's do this.
1225 01:13:20 - Hi, thank you so much for coming.- Okay?
1226 01:13:22 - You look gorgeous.- Amazing. H I, good to see you.
1227 01:13:28 - Time?- Concert starts in five.
1228 01:13:40 As you know,Christmas is a time for giving.
1229 01:13:43 And we want to thank you allfor being here tonight.
1230 01:13:50 All right, let's sync them up, boys.At 7:45, the power goes down.
1231 01:13:54 That's on me.
1232 01:13:56 You got ten minutes to getto Regent's office, crack that safe,
1233 01:13:59 grab the money,throw it down the garbage chute
1234 01:14:01 and then get the hell out of therebefore anybody knows what's hit them.
1235 01:14:04 Now please join me in welcomingthe Giving City Children's Choir.
1236 01:14:13 And without further ado, I would liketo introduce our choirmaster, Renee.
1237 01:14:19 You got a match? Well, send it over!
1238 01:14:22 Now we're gonna get this party startedwith an old favorite.
1239 01:14:27 ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
1240 01:14:29 ♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪
1241 01:14:32 ♪ Tis the season to be jollyFa la la la la la la la la ♪
1242 01:14:36 ♪ Sing we joyous all togetherFa la la la la la la la la ♪
1243 01:14:42 ♪ Heedless of the wind and weatherFa la la la la la la la la ♪
1244 01:14:47 ♪ Fa la la la la la la la laLa la la ♪
1245 01:14:57 - This is all your handiwork.- Huh?
1246 01:14:59 The money you helped us raise,it gave Christmas to these kids.
1247 01:15:03 You're part of the family now.
1248 01:15:13 Hmm.
1249 01:15:16 Ugh! Boring.
1250 01:15:20 Ooh, no teeth. That's hot.
1251 01:15:30 Oh.
1252 01:15:35 Oh, yeah. Who's got the pussy lips now,motherfucker?
1253 01:15:41 - I never gave you this.- Thank you. Thank you.
1254 01:15:43 Room 523.
1255 01:15:44 I'd like to call to the stage now
1256 01:15:46 a very special member of our choir.
1257 01:15:50 Please say hello to Thurman Merman.Thurman?
1258 01:16:02 ♪Silent night ♪
1259 01:16:06 ♪ Holy night ♪
1260 01:16:10 ♪ All is calm ♪
1261 01:16:15 ♪ All is bright ♪
1262 01:16:18 ♪ 'Round yon virgin mother and child ♪
1263 01:16:27 ♪ Holy infant so tender and mild ♪
1264 01:16:35 ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
1265 01:16:43 ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
1266 01:16:52 ♪ Silent night ♪
1267 01:16:56 ♪ Holy night ♪
1268 01:17:00 ♪ Shepherds quake at the sight ♪
1269 01:17:08 ♪ Glories stream from heaven afar ♪
1270 01:17:16 ♪ Heavenly hosts sing hallelujah ♪
1271 01:17:24 ♪ Christ the savior is born ♪
1272 01:17:32 ♪ Christ the savior is born ♪
1273 01:17:41 Find them. All of them!
1274 01:18:05 Go! Go, go, go, go!
1275 01:18:09 Gina, check the security cameras.
1276 01:18:11 Copy, checking.
1277 01:18:14 Oh, shit!
1278 01:18:25 - Three minutes, Willie, come on!- Shut the fuck up! I can't hear.
1279 01:18:28 Just hurry your ass!
1280 01:18:37 What the hell is this?
1281 01:18:38 Wait, bring up my office,I wanna see the safe.
1282 01:18:40 I can't, sir.It still has eight minutes to reboot.
1283 01:18:42 What? Call the police!
1284 01:18:44 - Let's go, come on!- I'm on it.
1285 01:18:46 Well, that can't be morethan half a million, 600 tops.
1286 01:18:50 Well, fuck, that's all we got.
1287 01:18:51 Perfect amount for my cut.
1288 01:18:57 Are you shitting me? Really?You know the old lady's right.
1289 01:19:05 Not so big now, are you?
1290 01:19:24 Come on, come on,come on, come on.
1291 01:19:29 Motherfuckers!
1292 01:19:31 - Lock it down. The whole building!- We're on a level-ten lockdown.
1293 01:19:36 Lockdown level ten.
1294 01:19:39 - Get in!- You get in!
1295 01:19:41 Evacuate the concert!And search everyone.
1296 01:19:52 Halle-fucking-lujah!
1297 01:19:55 Oh, baby!
1298 01:20:00 Oh!
1299 01:20:03 Sweet Jesus, you made it!
1300 01:20:05 What's the fucking Santy Claus outfitall about?
1301 01:20:08 Now step the fuck back!
1302 01:20:10 - What are you doing, runt?- It's called thinning the herd.
1303 01:20:13 World's gonna be a better placewithout the fucking Sokes in it.
1304 01:20:16 I'm gonna live like a king this time.
1305 01:20:19 - A fucking sultan!- Not in this lifetime, Sparky.
1306 01:20:22 - The bag goes with me.- You mean with us.
1307 01:20:26 - No, I mean me.- What the fuck did you just say?
1308 01:20:30 When I said this was my last job,I meant it was my last job with you.
1309 01:20:35 I knew I should've left, secondI saw your miserable fucking face.
1310 01:20:41 Why did I forget?
1311 01:20:43 N ice job on the safe, though.Yeah, I'm real proud of you.
1312 01:20:46 Well, you know something, Mama?
1313 01:20:49 Maybe you're not as smartas you think you are.
1314 01:20:51 Did you forget about this?
1315 01:20:54 Oh, how could I have forgotten?
1316 01:20:58 Go ahead. Shoot me, shitstick.
1317 01:21:17 They're blanks, Willie.
1318 01:21:19 You really think I'd be dumb enoughto put real bullets in that gun?
1319 01:21:23 Well, I ain't afraid of you, bitch!I'll blow a hole through your ass so...
1320 01:21:31 The fuck?
1321 01:21:33 Drop your weapons!Put your hands in the...
1322 01:21:35 Hey, hang on a second. She's gotthe money, I'm just a fucking guy!
1323 01:22:04 Willie! Hey, Willie!
1324 01:22:17 Ticket please.
1325 01:22:37 Let us through right now.We're chasing a suspect.
1326 01:23:11 Come here.
1327 01:23:32 Come on, man.
1328 01:23:52 Hey!
1329 01:23:55 - Found this on the coffee table.- Well, hoo-fucking-rah, William.
1330 01:23:59 Well, give me the fucking bag.I'm taking this back to the kids.
1331 01:24:02 I'd rather them have itthan your sorry ass.
1332 01:24:04 - Don't test me, boy.- You're gonna shoot me too?
1333 01:24:12 - You fucking shot me!- I told you I would. You never listen.
1334 01:24:21 Let go of the bag, William.Let go of the bag.
1335 01:24:25 Goddamn it, let go of the fucking bag!
1336 01:24:36 Money!
1337 01:24:40 It's raining money!
1338 01:24:47 She's got a gun!
1339 01:24:51 Willie!
1340 01:24:57 Drop the weapon! Get down!
1341 01:24:58 The fuck is going on? Hey, goddamn it!
1342 01:25:01 I caught a fuckingmidget-murdering fucking armed robber.
1343 01:25:04 I'm a goddamn hero.
1344 01:25:24 Don't worry, Willie. I'm okay.It's just in my butt.
1345 01:25:29 Willie?
1346 01:25:30 No!
1347 01:25:36 Oh, f...
1348 01:25:39 Stand clear.
1349 01:25:45 Oh! Fuck me!
1350 01:25:52 - Merry Christmas.- Yeah.
1351 01:26:01 Well, I guess this iswhat they call a happy ending.
1352 01:26:04 But as far as Christmas miracles go,shit, I don't know.
1353 01:26:08 That asshole Regent ended upgetting busted
1354 01:26:11 while I got off clean by ratting outmy steaming pile of shit mother.
1355 01:26:16 Guess I did learn one thing about familyfrom that crazy bitch.
1356 01:26:20 And that is, if yours happens to bea bag of dicks, then fuck them.
1357 01:26:23 - Start over.- ♪ Oh yeah candles burning low ♪
1358 01:26:27 ♪ Lots of mistletoe ♪
1359 01:26:30 ♪ Lots of snow and ice ♪
1360 01:26:33 ♪ Everywhere we go ♪
1361 01:26:36 ♪ Choirs singing carols ♪
1362 01:26:39 ♪ Right outside my door ♪
1363 01:26:42 ♪ All these things and more ♪
1364 01:26:45 ♪ All these things and more, babe ♪
1365 01:26:47 ♪ That's what Christmas means to meMy love ♪
1366 01:26:56 ♪ Yeah ♪
1367 01:27:00 So maybe there is no such thingas a Christmas miracle, or whatever.
1368 01:27:07 But I've worn the suit enough to knowa perfect Christmas gift when I see one.
1369 01:27:15 And like the kid says,"The best gifts are always a surprise. "
1370 01:27:27 So if a happy ending is staring at youright in the fucking face,
1371 01:27:30 then just say, "All right,I guess I'll take it. "
1372 01:27:35 ♪ And wish you a Merry Christmas, baby ♪
1373 01:27:39 ♪ Wish you a Merry Christmas, baby ♪
1374 01:27:40 ♪ And such happiness in the coming year ♪
1375 01:27:46 ♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪
1376 01:27:50 ♪ All these things and more, baby ♪
1377 01:27:52 ♪ That's what Christmas means to meMy love ♪
