上班一条虫 Office Space(EN)Subtitles
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1 00:01:55 ["NO TEARS" BY SCARFACEPLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
2 00:01:59 [SINGING] I've got my pistol point cockedReady to link shots nonstop
3 00:02:02 Until I see your monkey ass drop
4 00:02:05 And let your homies know who done it
5 00:02:07 'Cause when it comes to....
6 00:02:13 [TURNS STEREO DOWN]
7 00:02:18 [TURNS STEREO BACK UP]
8 00:02:20 ...up inside of me
9 00:02:21 I can't talk to my motherSo I talk to my diary
10 00:02:29 Mothershitter son of a....
11 00:02:32 Ass! You...!
12 00:02:34 I just...!
13 00:02:42 I was told.... Have you...?
14 00:02:44 I was told that if I was late againI would be summarily dismissed.
15 00:03:53 WOMAN: Corporate Accounts Payable,Nina speaking. Just a moment.
16 00:03:58 Corporate Accounts Payable,Nina speaking. Just a moment.
17 00:04:03 Corporate Accounts Payable,Nina speaking. Just a moment.
18 00:04:09 Corporate Accounts Payable,Nina speaking. Just a moment.
19 00:04:14 Corporate Accounts Payable,Nina speaking. Just a moment.
20 00:04:18 Corporate Accounts Payable, Nina speaking.
21 00:04:21 Hello, Peter. What's happening?
22 00:04:24 Uh....
23 00:04:25 We have sort of a problem here. Yeah.
24 00:04:28 You apparently didn't put one of the newcover sheets on your TPS reports.
25 00:04:32 Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that. I.... I forgot.
26 00:04:36 Mm. Yeah.
27 00:04:38 You see, we're putting the cover sheetson all TPS reports now before they go out.
28 00:04:42 Did you see the memo about this?
29 00:04:45 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I have the memoright here. I just forgot.
30 00:04:50 But it's not shipping out till tomorrow,so there's no problem.
31 00:04:54 Yeah.
32 00:04:56 If you could just go ahead and make sureyou do that from now on, that would be great.
33 00:05:00 And I'll go ahead and make sureyou get another copy of that memo. Okay?
34 00:05:04 -Yeah. No, I have the memo. I've got it.-Bye-bye, Peter.
35 00:05:15 [MAN SPEAKING ON RADIO]
36 00:05:20 Milton. Hi. Uh....
37 00:05:23 Could you turn that down a little?
38 00:05:25 But I was told that I could listen to the radioat a reasonable volume from nine to 11.
39 00:05:30 Yeah. No, no, I know you're allowed to. I wasjust thinking, maybe, like a personal favor.
40 00:05:36 Well, I.... I told Bill that if Sandra's goingto listen to her headphones while she's filing,
41 00:05:43 I should be able to listen while I'm collating.
42 00:05:46 -Uh-huh.-I don't see why I should turn it down...
43 00:05:49 -All right. Okay.-...because I listen at a reasonable volume.
44 00:05:52 Thanks, Milton.
45 00:05:55 Hi, Peter. What's happening?
46 00:05:58 We need to talk about your TPS reports.
47 00:06:01 Yeah. The cover sheet, I know.Bill talked to me about it.
48 00:06:04 Yeah. Did you get that memo?
49 00:06:07 I got the memo and I understand the policy.
50 00:06:10 And the problem is justthat I forgot the one time...
51 00:06:13 ...and I've taken care of it,so it's not a problem anymore.
52 00:06:16 Uh, yeah.
53 00:06:19 We're putting new cover sheetson all the TPS reports before they go out now...
54 00:06:23 ...so if you could go ahead and try to rememberto do that from now on, that'd be great.
55 00:06:28 All right.
56 00:06:32 [PHONE RINGS]
57 00:06:40 Peter Gibbons.
58 00:06:42 Yes.
59 00:06:46 I have the memo.
60 00:06:50 No. Not again. I.... Why does it saypaper jam when there is no paper jam?
61 00:06:54 I swear, one of these days, I just kickthis piece of shit out the window.
62 00:06:59 You and me both, man.That thing is lucky I'm not armed.
63 00:07:04 -Piece of shit.-Samire....
64 00:07:08 Na.... Na....
65 00:07:10 Na.... Nagha....
66 00:07:14 Please.
67 00:07:16 Michael....
68 00:07:18 -Bolton?-That's me.
69 00:07:20 Wow. Is that your real name?
70 00:07:22 Yeah.
71 00:07:24 So are you related to that singer guy?
72 00:07:26 -No, it's just a coincidence.-Oh.
73 00:07:31 No one in this countrycan ever pronounce my name right.
74 00:07:34 It's not that hard.Nag-hee-nanajar. Nagheenanajar.
75 00:07:39 -At least your name isn't Michael Bolton.-There's nothing wrong with that name.
76 00:07:44 There wasnothing wrong with ituntil I was about 12 years old...
77 00:07:47 ...and that no-talent assclown became famousand started winning Grammys.
78 00:07:52 Well, why don't you just go by "Mike"instead of "Michael"?
79 00:07:56 Why should I? He's the one who sucks.
80 00:07:59 -Hey, guys.-What's up, G?
81 00:08:02 -Wanna go to Chotchkie's, get some coffee?-It's a little early.
82 00:08:05 I gotta get out of here. I'm gonna lose it.
83 00:08:07 Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody'sgot a case of the Mondays.
84 00:08:16 Boy, I tell you, some days.One of these days it's just gonna be like:
85 00:08:21 [IMITATES GUNFIRE]
86 00:08:24 Can I get you something more to drink?Or something to nibble on?
87 00:08:28 Some pizza shooters, shrimp poppersor extreme fajitas?
88 00:08:31 -Just coffee.-Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.
89 00:08:39 What if we're still doing this when we're 50?
90 00:08:43 It would be nice to havethat kind of job security.
91 00:08:47 Lumbergh's gonna have mework on Saturday. I can tell already.
92 00:08:50 I'm gonna end up doing itbecause, uh.... I'm a big pussy.
93 00:08:54 Which is why I work at Initech.
94 00:08:57 Well, I work at Initechand I don't consider myself a pussy.
95 00:09:00 Yes. I am also not a pussy.
96 00:09:03 In fact, they're gonna find out the hard wayif they don't treat the software people better.
97 00:09:08 I don't understand. I could program a virusto rip that place off big time.
98 00:09:12 -Yeah.-Big time.
99 00:09:17 Oh.
100 00:09:18 There she is.
101 00:09:20 Peter, you always talk about this girl.
102 00:09:23 -If you're so obsessed with her, ask her out.-I can't do that.
103 00:09:28 I'm just another customer. You can't justwalk up to a waitress and ask her out.
104 00:09:32 Besides, I'm still tryingto work it out with Anne.
105 00:09:35 That reminds me,I won't be able to play poker on Friday.
106 00:09:38 Why not?
107 00:09:39 I'm going to see this occupationalhypnotherapist with Anne.
108 00:09:44 Dude. An occupational hypnotherapist?
109 00:09:46 I know. Anne wants me to go.She thinks it might help.
110 00:09:52 You know, sometimes I think....
111 00:09:55 I get thinking that she's cheating on me.
112 00:09:58 -Yeah, I know what you mean.-Yeah.
113 00:10:02 What is that supposed to mean?
114 00:10:04 Nothing.
115 00:10:06 Tell Anne you're not into hypnosisand want to play poker.
116 00:10:10 I can't do that. She'll get all pissed off.Besides, I think the guy might be able to help.
117 00:10:16 I mean, he did help Anne lose weight.
118 00:10:18 -Peter, she's anorexic.-Yeah, I know. The guy's really good.
119 00:10:24 I don't think any occupational hypnotherapistwill help you solve any of your problems.
120 00:10:29 Speaking of problems, I hear youhad problems with your TPS reports.
121 00:10:33 Yeah. Didn't you get that memo?
122 00:10:38 Hey! Hey, guys. Peter!
123 00:10:40 -Is that Smykowski? What's he doing?-Probably working on another heart attack.
124 00:10:45 I've been looking all over for you guys.Have you seen this? I knew it. I knew it.
125 00:10:50 -What? It's a staff meeting. So what?-So what? We're all screwed, that's what.
126 00:10:55 -They're gonna downsize Initech.-How do you know that?
127 00:10:58 How do I know? They're bringing ina consultant, that's how.
128 00:11:02 That's what this meeting's about.It happened at Intertrode last year.
129 00:11:06 You interview with this consultant,an efficiency expert...
130 00:11:09 ...but it's interviewing for your own job.
131 00:11:12 Every week you say this and you're still here.
132 00:11:14 Not this time. I bet I'm the first one laid off.
133 00:11:17 Just the thought of going to theunemployment office with those scumbags!
134 00:11:21 Shit.
135 00:11:24 You know there are people in this worldthat don't have to put up with this shit?
136 00:11:28 Like that guy that invented the Pet Rock.
137 00:11:31 You see, that's what you have to do.
138 00:11:34 You have to use your mind to come upwith some really great idea like that.
139 00:11:39 You can make millions and never work again.
140 00:11:41 You think the Pet Rock was a great idea?
141 00:11:43 Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars.
142 00:11:50 You know, I had an idea like that once.A long time ago.
143 00:11:55 Really? What was it, Tom?
144 00:11:58 Well, all right.
145 00:12:00 It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat.
146 00:12:05 You see, it would be this matthat you would put on the floor...
147 00:12:10 ...and it would have different conclusionswritten on it that you could jump to.
148 00:12:21 That is the worst ideaI've ever heard in my life, Tom.
149 00:12:24 Yes. Yes, it's horrible, this idea.
150 00:12:30 Look, I gotta get outta here.
151 00:12:33 I'll see you guys later, if I still have a job.
152 00:12:39 Our high school guidance counselor used toask what you'd do if you had a million dollars.
153 00:12:44 Whatever you'd say,that was supposed to be your career.
154 00:12:48 If you wanted to fix cars,you were supposed to be a mechanic.
155 00:12:51 -So, what did you say?-I never had an answer.
156 00:12:55 That's why I'm working at Initech.
157 00:12:57 No. You're working at Initechcos that question is bullshit.
158 00:13:00 If everyone listened to her, there'd beno janitors cos no one would clean shit up.
159 00:13:05 You know what I would doif I had a million dollars?
160 00:13:07 I would invest half of itin no-risk mutual funds...
161 00:13:11 ...then take the other halfover to my friend Asadulah....
162 00:13:14 Samir, you're missing the point.
163 00:13:16 The point is that you're supposed tofigure out what you would want to do if....
164 00:13:21 "PC load letter"?What the fuck does that mean?
165 00:13:24 What the f...?
166 00:13:43 [SIGHS]
167 00:13:46 MAN:Hey, Peter, man. Check outChannel Nine. Check out this chick.
168 00:13:51 Dammit! Lawrence, can't you pretendwe can't hear each other through the wall?
169 00:13:55 LAWRENCE:Sorry, man. Anne over there?
170 00:13:58 No, but....
171 00:14:00 If you wanna talk to me, just come over.
172 00:14:05 Hey, man.
173 00:14:08 Check this out, dude.
174 00:14:12 WOMAN [ON TV]: ...early detection.Tumors that are....
175 00:14:15 Oh, jeez, Lawrence.
176 00:14:17 I'm sorry, man.I thought you'd wanna see this.
177 00:14:20 -Doesn't that chick look like Anne?-Yeah, a little bit.
178 00:14:24 She hasn't been over here in a while.You two still going out?
179 00:14:27 Yeah.
180 00:14:29 I guess. I don't know. SometimesI get the feeling she's cheating on me.
181 00:14:33 Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.
182 00:14:37 -What do you mean by that?-I don't know, man.
183 00:14:41 I just get that feeling, looking at her,like she's the type of chick that just....
184 00:14:50 I'm sorry, man. Look, you knowI'm talking out of my ass. I don't know....
185 00:14:55 Forget it. Don't worry.It's all right. I had a rough day.
186 00:14:58 Tell me about it, man.
187 00:15:02 I gotta wake my ass upat 6am every day this week.
188 00:15:07 Drag up to Las Gallinas. Yeah, I'm doingthe dry wall up there at the new McDonald's.
189 00:15:12 Let me ask you something.
190 00:15:15 When you come in on Monday,not feeling well, does anyone say:
191 00:15:19 "Sounds like someonehas a case of the Mondays"?
192 00:15:23 No. No, man.
193 00:15:28 Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get yourass kicked saying something like that, man.
194 00:15:33 -Huh.-We still going fishing this weekend?
195 00:15:35 Lumbergh's gonna have mecome in on Saturday, I know it.
196 00:15:38 -Well, you can get out of that easily.-Yeah? How?
197 00:15:42 Well...
198 00:15:44 ...when a boss wants you to work on Saturday,he generally asks you at the end of the day.
199 00:15:49 Yeah.
200 00:15:50 So all you gotta do is avoid him-- That's allright, I got it. --the last few hours on Friday.
201 00:15:55 Duck out early, turn off your answeringmachine, you should be home free, man.
202 00:16:02 That's a really good idea.
203 00:16:04 Fucking A, man.
204 00:16:06 Lawrence, what would you doif you had a million dollars?
205 00:16:11 I'll tell you what I'd do, man.
206 00:16:14 Two chicks at the same time, man.
207 00:16:21 That's it? If you had a million dollars,you'd do two chicks at the same time?
208 00:16:26 Damn straight.I always wanted to do that, man.
209 00:16:29 I think if I were a millionaire, I could hook thatup, cos chicks dig dudes with money.
210 00:16:34 -Well, not all chicks.-Chicks that double up on a dude like me do.
211 00:16:38 -Good point.-What about you, now? What would you do?
212 00:16:41 -Besides two chicks at the same time?-Well, yeah.
213 00:16:44 -Nothing.-Nothing, huh?
214 00:16:48 I would relax. I would sit on my ass all day.
215 00:16:53 I would do nothing.
216 00:16:55 You don't need a million dollarsto do nothing.
217 00:16:58 Take a look at my cousin.He's broke, don't do shit.
218 00:17:05 NINA: Corporate Accounts Payable,Nina speaking. Just a moment.
219 00:17:09 Corporate Accounts Payable,Nina speaking. Just a moment.
220 00:17:13 Corporate Accounts Payable,Nina speaking. Just a moment.
221 00:17:18 So you should ask yourself,with every decision you make...
222 00:17:23 ...is this good for the company?Am I helping....
223 00:17:26 -Is that the guy?-Yeah. We're screwed.
224 00:17:31 OK, then, um....
225 00:17:34 I'd like to go ahead and welcomea new member to our team here.
226 00:17:39 This is Bob Slydell.
227 00:17:44 Yeah. Uh....
228 00:17:47 Bob is a consultant.
229 00:17:50 Yeah. He's gonna be sort of...
230 00:17:54 ...helping us out a little here,asking some questions...
231 00:17:58 ...maybe seeing if there are some ways we canmake things run more smoothly round here.
232 00:18:05 Yeah.
233 00:18:07 Oh, and remember,next Friday is Hawaiian-shirt day.
234 00:18:13 So, you know, if you want to,go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
235 00:18:20 And I said I don't careif they lay me off either...
236 00:18:23 ...because I told Bill that if they move my deskone more time, then I'm going to quit.
237 00:18:29 And I told Dom too, because they'vemoved my desk four times already this year.
238 00:18:34 I used to be over by the window and I couldsee the squirrels, and they were married.
239 00:18:40 Then they switched from the Swinglineto the Boston stapler...
240 00:18:43 ...but I kept my Swinglinebecause it didn't bind up as much.
241 00:18:46 -I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler.-Okay, Milton.
242 00:18:50 MILTON:No, it's not okay, because if they make me....
243 00:18:53 If they take my stapler, then I'll have to....I'll set the building on fire.
244 00:18:59 Okay, well that sounds great.I'll talk to later, all right? Bye.
245 00:19:43 Come on.
246 00:19:47 Oh, for Chr....
247 00:20:10 Hello, Peter. What's happening?
248 00:20:13 Um....
249 00:20:15 I'm gonna need you to go aheadand come in tomorrow.
250 00:20:20 So if you could be here around 9...
251 00:20:24 ...that would be great. Okay?
252 00:20:28 Oh, oh. And I almost forgot. Uh....
253 00:20:32 I'm also gonna need you to go aheadand come in on Sunday too. Okay?
254 00:20:38 We lost some people this week...
255 00:20:41 ...and we need to sort of catch up.
256 00:20:46 Thanks.
257 00:20:51 So I was sitting in my cubicle todayand I realized ever since I started working...
258 00:20:58 ...every single day of my lifehas been worse than the day before it.
259 00:21:03 So that means thatevery single day that you see me...
260 00:21:08 ...that's on the worst day of my life.
261 00:21:10 What about today?Is today the worst day of your life?
262 00:21:13 -Yeah.-Wow, that's messed up.
263 00:21:19 I'm sorry. Go on.
264 00:21:22 Is there any waythat you could sort of just zonk me out...
265 00:21:27 ...so that, like,I don't know that I'm at work, in here?
266 00:21:31 Could I come home and thinkthat I'd been fishing all day or something?
267 00:21:35 That's really not what I do, Peter.
268 00:21:40 However, the good news isI think I can help you.
269 00:21:45 I want you to do something for me, Peter.
270 00:21:49 I want you to try and relax.
271 00:21:55 I want you to relaxevery muscle in your body...
272 00:21:58 ...beginning with your toes,to your fingertips.
273 00:22:05 Now I want you to relax your legs.
274 00:22:09 You're beginning to feelyour eyelids getting heavy...
275 00:22:12 ...as you slip deeper and deeperinto a state of complete relaxation.
276 00:22:18 All your cares and concernsare disappearing.
277 00:22:22 Deeper and deeper. Way down.
278 00:22:26 Your concern about your job melts away.
279 00:22:31 Way, way down.
280 00:22:35 [CLEARS THROAT UNCOMFORTABLY]
281 00:22:38 Now, when I count backwards from three...
282 00:22:41 ...you'll be in a state of complete relaxation.
283 00:22:44 Your worries, caresand inhibitions will be gone...
284 00:22:48 ...and you will remain in that state...
285 00:22:51 ...until I snap my fingers.
286 00:22:53 Three.
287 00:22:55 Deeper and deeper.
288 00:22:57 Way, way down.
289 00:23:01 Two.
290 00:23:02 Deeper and deeper.
291 00:23:04 W.... Way down.
292 00:23:09 W....
293 00:23:11 One.
294 00:23:14 Oh, my God! Dr. Swanson!
295 00:23:17 Ooh! Ooh!
296 00:23:19 -Is he breathing?-Call 911.
297 00:23:36 [ALARM BEEPS]
298 00:23:55 [PHONE RINGS]
299 00:23:59 LUMBERGH [ON RECORDING]:Yeah, hi. It's Bill Lumbergh. It's about 10:00.
300 00:24:04 Yeah. Just wondering where you are.
301 00:24:10 Yeah, hi.It's Bill Lumbergh again. Uh....
302 00:24:14 I just wanted to make sure you knew thatwe did start at the usual time this morning.
303 00:24:22 Yeah. It isn't a half day or anything like that...
304 00:24:25 ...so if you could just go aheadand get here as soon as possible...
305 00:24:29 ...that would be terrific.
306 00:24:50 Yeah, hi. It's Bill Lum....
307 00:24:53 Yeah....Yeah, hi. It's Bill Lum....
308 00:24:56 Yeah, it's me again. Uh....
309 00:24:58 I was away from my desk for a minute.
310 00:25:00 Just checking if you called while I was gone.
311 00:25:04 [PHONE RINGS]
312 00:25:05 -Hello.ANNE: Peter, what's going on?
313 00:25:08 -Huh?ANNE: It's 3:30. Why aren't you at work?
314 00:25:13 Because I.... I didn't feel like it.
315 00:25:16 ANNE:Agh! Peter, what's gotten into you?
316 00:25:18 First, you sit there while Dr. Swanson dies,then you embarrass me in front of my friends.
317 00:25:23 Don't blame this on hypnosis either,that's total bull....
318 00:25:31 [PHONE RINGS, THEN MACHINE BEEPS]
319 00:25:33 ANNE: Listen, asshole. Nobody hangs up onme. We're through. Oh, and one more thing....
320 00:25:39 I've been cheating on you!
321 00:25:42 [MACHINE BEEPS]
322 00:25:46 So from now on,only use the new time sheets...
323 00:25:49 ...if you've worked ontwo or more job codes in one day...
324 00:25:53 ...and you need the extra columns to fit it all in.Otherwise, use the old....
325 00:25:58 Where's Peter?I heard he didn't show up this weekend.
326 00:26:01 I don't know.
327 00:26:04 -Who the hell is that guy?-So any questions?
328 00:26:22 -Hi. I'm Peter.-Hi. Can I help you?
329 00:26:25 -What are you doing for lunch today?-Our specials today are blackened chicken....
330 00:26:30 It's actually right there on the board.Excuse me.
331 00:26:35 Hey, look who's back. Table for three. To....
332 00:26:41 I was asking what you were doing for lunch.Would you like to have lunch with me?
333 00:26:46 -Are-- Are you serious?-Yeah.
334 00:26:50 Yeah, I don't think I'm supposed to do that.
335 00:26:54 Oh. Okay, well, I'll tell you what I'll do.
336 00:26:56 I'm gonna go next door and get a table andif you'd like to join me, no big deal, all right?
337 00:27:01 And if not, that's cool too. Okay?
338 00:27:03 -Okay.-All right.
339 00:27:06 When you say next door,do you mean Chillies or Flingers?
340 00:27:10 -Flingers.-Okay.
341 00:27:14 What you do at Initech is you takethe specifications from the customers...
342 00:27:20 -...and bring them to the software engineers.-Yes. Yes. That's right.
343 00:27:24 Then I just have to ask...
344 00:27:26 ...why couldn't the customers justtake them directly to the software people?
345 00:27:31 Well, I'll tell you why.
346 00:27:34 Because engineers are not goodat dealing with customers.
347 00:27:39 Uh-huh. So....
348 00:27:42 You physically take the specsfrom the customer?
349 00:27:47 Well....
350 00:27:50 No. My secretary does that, or they're faxed.
351 00:27:55 Then you must physicallybring them to the software people?
352 00:27:58 Well....
353 00:28:01 No.
354 00:28:02 -I mean, sometimes.-Uh-huh.
355 00:28:05 What would you say you do here?
356 00:28:10 Look, I already told you!
357 00:28:12 I deal with the goddamn customersso the engineers don't have to.
358 00:28:17 I have people skills! I am good at dealingwith people! Can't you understand that?
359 00:28:22 What the hell is wrong with you people?
360 00:28:33 Let's see. You are....
361 00:28:36 Michael....
362 00:28:39 -Bolton?-Yeah.
363 00:28:42 -Is that your real name?-Yeah.
364 00:28:48 -Are you any relation to the pop singer?-No, it's just a coincidence.
365 00:28:52 Because I'll be honest with you,I love his music.
366 00:28:55 -I do, I'm a Michael Bolton fan.-Me too.
367 00:28:57 I don't know if it gets any better than whenhe sings "When A Man Loves A Woman."
368 00:29:02 But you must really love his music.
369 00:29:06 Yeah. He's.... He's pretty good, I guess.
370 00:29:10 You're goddamn right he is.
371 00:29:13 -Right.-Tell me, what's your favorite song of his?
372 00:29:17 Mm....
373 00:29:20 [CLEARS THROAT]
374 00:29:22 I don't know.
375 00:29:24 I mean, I.... I guess I sort of like them all.
376 00:29:27 That's right! I'm the exact same way.
377 00:29:29 It must be twice as hard for you,having the same name.
378 00:29:32 I celebrate the guy's entire catalogue.
379 00:29:35 Anyway, let's get down to business, Michael.
380 00:29:38 You know, you can just call me Mike.
381 00:29:46 -Hi.-Hey.
382 00:29:49 I wonder if I'm allowed to wear this in here.
383 00:29:53 I think it would be okay.
384 00:29:56 -Would you like to sit down?-Okay.
385 00:30:02 Wow!
386 00:30:04 This place is really nice.
387 00:30:07 Yeah. Is it?
388 00:30:09 Yeah. My God, compared to Chotchkie's?I like the uniforms better anyway.
389 00:30:15 -I like yours.-Ugh!
390 00:30:20 -"We're not in Kansas anymore."-Oh, yeah?
391 00:30:24 Really?
392 00:30:26 It's on your....
393 00:30:29 Oh. Yeah, that's....
394 00:30:32 That's.... That's one of my pieces of flare.
395 00:30:36 -What's a piece of flare?-Oh, it's where....
396 00:30:39 You know, like, these suspendersand buttons are all sort of....
397 00:30:43 We're actually required to wear15 pieces of flare.
398 00:30:49 It's really stupid, actually.
399 00:30:51 -Do you get to pick them yourself?-Yeah, we do.
400 00:30:54 Although, I didn't actually choose these.I just sort of grabbed 15 buttons and....
401 00:30:59 I don't even know what they say.I don't really care.
402 00:31:02 -I don't really like talking about my flare.-Okay.
403 00:31:06 So where do you work, Peter?
404 00:31:09 -Initech.-In.... Yeah.
405 00:31:11 What do you do there?
406 00:31:13 I sit in a cubicle and I update bank softwarefor the 2000 switch.
407 00:31:19 -What's that?-Well, they wrote all this bank software...
408 00:31:23 ...and to save space they used two digits forthe date instead of four: 98 instead of 1998.
409 00:31:30 So I go through thesethousands of lines of code and....
410 00:31:34 It doesn't really matter.
411 00:31:37 I don't like my joband I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
412 00:31:42 -You're just not gonna go?-Yeah.
413 00:31:45 -Won't you get fired?-I don't know.
414 00:31:49 But I really don't like it and I'm not gonna go.
415 00:31:53 -So you're gonna quit?-Uh-uh. Not really.
416 00:31:58 I'm just gonna stop going.
417 00:32:03 -When did you decide that?-About an hour ago.
418 00:32:06 -Really? An hour ago.-Yeah.
419 00:32:10 -So are you gonna get another job?-I don't think I'd like another job.
420 00:32:14 What are you gonna doabout money and bills and...?
421 00:32:17 You know, I've never really liked paying bills.
422 00:32:20 I don't think I'm gonna do that either.
423 00:32:25 Well, so what do you wanna do?
424 00:32:27 I wanna take you out to dinner.
425 00:32:29 Then I wanna go back to my apartment andwatch kung fu. Do you ever watch kung fu?
426 00:32:35 -I love kung fu.-Channel 39.
427 00:32:38 -Totally.-Come over and watch kung fu tonight.
428 00:32:41 -Okay.-Great.
429 00:32:43 Okay. Can we order lunch first?
430 00:32:45 -Yeah.-Okay.
431 00:32:48 [MUMBLES]
432 00:32:58 MILTON:Working out....
433 00:33:02 Took a stapler off my desk.
434 00:33:06 And the funny thing is,he thinks his job is secure.
435 00:33:11 Anyway, sounds great, Bob.See you in a few.
436 00:33:17 Hi, Milton. What's happening?
437 00:33:19 Um....
438 00:33:21 I'm gonna have to ask you to go aheadand move your desk again.
439 00:33:25 So if you could go ahead and get itas far back against that wall as possible...
440 00:33:30 -...that would be great.-No, no, because....
441 00:33:33 That way, we'll have some room for some ofthese boxes and things we need to put here.
442 00:33:38 And....
443 00:33:40 -Oh, oh, there it is.-What?
444 00:33:43 Here, let me just go aheadand get that from you.
445 00:33:48 Great.
446 00:33:50 So if you could just get to that as soonas possible, that would be terrific. Okay?
447 00:33:56 Thanks a bunch, Milton. Bye-bye.
448 00:34:00 Okay.
449 00:34:02 I could set the building on fire.
450 00:34:08 -Peter.-Michael.
451 00:34:10 What's going on?I thought you were gonna come in shooting.
452 00:34:13 No. I just came to get my address book.
453 00:34:16 I'm not gonna stay.I got a phone number I don't wanna lose.
454 00:34:19 What? You're in shit. You were supposed tocome in on Saturday. What were you doing?
455 00:34:24 Michael, I did nothing.
456 00:34:26 I did absolutely nothing and it waseverything that I thought it could be.
457 00:34:31 I hope you have a better story for Lumbergh.You have your interview with the consultants.
458 00:34:36 -The who?-The consultants. What has gotten into you?
459 00:34:42 Oh, yeah.
460 00:34:44 Right.
461 00:34:46 Peter. You gotta postpone it. Tell themyou've been sick. Make something up.
462 00:34:50 Oh, no way. No, I feel great.It's the best day of my life.
463 00:34:56 -Next batter looks like a Peter Gibbons.-Uh-huh.
464 00:35:00 There you are. We were talking about you.You must be Peter Gibbons?
465 00:35:04 Uh-huh, terrific. I'm Bob Slydell.This is my associate, Bob Porter.
466 00:35:08 Hi, Bob. Bob.
467 00:35:10 Why don't you go ahead and grab a seatand join us for a minute or two?
468 00:35:14 You see, what we're actuallytrying to do here is we're just....
469 00:35:17 We're trying to get a feelfor how people spend their day at work.
470 00:35:21 So if you would, would youwalk us through a typical day for you?
471 00:35:27 -Yeah.-Great.
472 00:35:29 Well, I generally come inat least 15 minutes late.
473 00:35:34 I use the side door.That way Lumbergh can't see me.
474 00:35:38 And after that, I just sort of space outfor about an hour, until....
475 00:35:42 Uh....
476 00:35:44 -Space out?-Yeah.
477 00:35:46 I just stare at my desk.But it looks like I'm working.
478 00:35:50 I do that for probably another hourafter lunch too.
479 00:35:53 I'd say in a given week I probably only doabout 15 minutes of real actual work.
480 00:36:02 Peter, would you be a good sportand indulge us and just tell us a little more?
481 00:36:08 Oh, yeah. Let me tell yousomething about TPS reports.
482 00:36:15 The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy.It's that I just don't care.
483 00:36:20 Don't.... Don't care?
484 00:36:22 It's a problem of motivation, all right?
485 00:36:25 Now, if I work my ass off and Initech shipsa few extra units, I don't see another dime.
486 00:36:30 So where's the motivation?
487 00:36:33 Here's something else, Bob.
488 00:36:35 -I have eight bosses.-I beg your pardon?
489 00:36:37 -Eight bosses.-Eight?
490 00:36:39 So that means that when I make a mistake...
491 00:36:42 ...I have eight different peoplecoming by to tell me about it.
492 00:36:46 That's my only real motivation,is not to be hassled.
493 00:36:49 That and the fear of losing my job.But you know, Bob...
494 00:36:52 ...that'll only make someone workjust hard enough not to get fired.
495 00:36:56 Would you bear with mefor just a second, please?
496 00:36:59 Okay.
497 00:37:01 What if, and believe me,this is all hypothetical...
498 00:37:06 ...but what if you were offered some kindof a stock option, equity sharing program?
499 00:37:12 -Would that do anything for you?-I don't know. I guess. I'm gonna go.
500 00:37:16 It's been really nicetalking to both of you guys.
501 00:37:19 Absolutely. The pleasure'sall on this side of the table.
502 00:37:23 Good luck with your lay-offs.I hope your firings go really well.
503 00:37:27 -Thanks a lot.-Great. Wow.
504 00:37:37 So, Peter. What's happening? Listen....
505 00:37:48 Joanna, would youcome here a minute, please?
506 00:37:51 Yeah.
507 00:37:52 I'm sorry I was late.I was having lunch and I....
508 00:37:56 We need to talk about your flare.
509 00:37:59 Really? I.... I have 15 pieces on.
510 00:38:03 -Well, okay, 15 is the minimum. Okay?-Okay.
511 00:38:08 Now, it's up to you whether or notyou want to just do the bare minimum or....
512 00:38:13 Well, like, Brian, for example,has 37 pieces of flare on today. Okay?
513 00:38:18 -And a terrific smile.-Okay. So you want me to wear more?
514 00:38:23 -Look, Joanna....-Yeah.
515 00:38:25 People can get a cheeseburger anywhere.
516 00:38:27 They come to Chotchkie'sfor the atmosphere and the attitude.
517 00:38:31 That's what the flare's about. It's about fun.
518 00:38:35 Okay. So more, then? Yeah?
519 00:38:38 Look, we want you to express yourself.Okay?
520 00:38:42 Now, if you feel thatthe bare minimum is enough, then okay.
521 00:38:46 But some people choose to wear moreand we encourage that. Okay?
522 00:38:52 You do wanna express yourself, don't you?
523 00:38:55 Yeah.
524 00:38:57 Great. That's all I ask.
525 00:39:00 Okay.
526 00:39:02 Right, so there's three more peoplewe can easily lose.
527 00:39:07 And then there's Tom Smykowski.
528 00:39:11 He's useless. Gone.
529 00:39:14 Sounds good to me.
530 00:39:15 Here's.... Peculiar....
531 00:39:18 -Milton Waddams.-Who's he?
532 00:39:20 -Squirrelly looking guy, mumbles a lot.-Oh, yeah.
533 00:39:23 We can't actually find a record of himbeing a current employee here.
534 00:39:27 I looked into it more deeply...
535 00:39:29 ...and I found that, apparently, what happenedis that he was laid off five years ago...
536 00:39:34 ...and no one ever told him, but through someglitch in the payroll, he still gets a paycheck.
537 00:39:39 -So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.-Great.
538 00:39:43 So Milton has been let go?
539 00:39:46 Just a second there, professor.
540 00:39:49 We fixed the glitch...
541 00:39:51 ...so he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore,so it'll just work itself out naturally.
542 00:39:55 We like to avoid confrontationwhenever possible.
543 00:39:59 The problem is solved from your end.
544 00:40:01 I'd like to move us right alongto a Peter Gibbons.
545 00:40:05 Now, we had a chanceto meet this young man, and boy...
546 00:40:08 ...that's just a straight-shooterwith upper management written all over him.
547 00:40:13 Ooh, yeah. Um....
548 00:40:17 I'm gonna have to go aheadand sort of disagree with you there.
549 00:40:21 Yeah. He's been real flaky lately.
550 00:40:24 And I'm not sure that he's the caliber personthat we would want for upper management.
551 00:40:30 He's also been havingsome problems with his TPS reports.
552 00:40:35 I'll handle this.
553 00:40:38 We feel that the problem isn't with Peter.
554 00:40:43 Uh-uh.
555 00:40:45 It's that you haven't challenged him enoughto get him really motivated.
556 00:40:48 There it is.
557 00:40:50 Yeah. Uh....
558 00:40:53 Well, I'm just not sure about that right now.
559 00:40:56 Bill, let me ask youa real quick question here.
560 00:40:59 How much time would you say you spendeach week dealing with these TPS reports?
561 00:41:09 Yeah.
562 00:42:17 LAWRENCE: Hey, Peter, man. Check outChannel Nine. It's the breast exam. Whoa!
563 00:42:38 -Hi, Peter.-Oh, hi, Dom.
564 00:43:29 So, Peter.
565 00:43:32 What's happening?
566 00:43:35 Now, are you going to go ahead and havethose TPS reports for us this afternoon?
567 00:43:40 No.
568 00:43:43 Uh, yeah.
569 00:43:45 So I guess we should probably go aheadand have a little talk.
570 00:43:50 Not right now, Lumbergh. I'm kind of busy.
571 00:43:53 In fact, I'm gonna have to ask you to go aheadand just come back another time.
572 00:43:59 I got a meeting with the Bobsin a couple of minutes.
573 00:44:03 I wasn't aware of a meeting with them.
574 00:44:05 Yeah. They called me at home.
575 00:44:12 That sounds good, Peter. And we'll go aheadand get this all fixed up for you. Great.
576 00:44:19 [MUMBLES]
577 00:44:24 Hi, Milton. What's happening?
578 00:44:27 I was.... I....I didn't receive my paycheck this week.
579 00:44:30 -You'll have to talk to Payroll about that.-I did and they said....
580 00:44:36 Milton, we're gonna need to go aheadand move you downstairs into storage B.
581 00:44:42 -No. I was told I could....-We have some new people coming in.
582 00:44:46 We need all the space we can get.
583 00:44:48 -But there's no space....-If you could go ahead and pack your stuff...
584 00:44:53 ...and move it down there,that would be terrific.
585 00:44:56 -I was.... I was told I could stay....-Okay?
586 00:45:00 Excuse me. I believe you have my stapler.
587 00:45:06 -You've been missing a lot of work lately.-I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.
588 00:45:12 -Good one.-That's terrific, Peter.
589 00:45:15 I'm sure you've heard some of the rumorscirculating around the hallways...
590 00:45:20 ...about how we're doing "house cleaning"with some of the software people.
591 00:45:24 Bob, I have heard thatand you gotta do what you gotta do.
592 00:45:27 We're gonna be getting ridof these people here. First, Mr. Samir Nagh....
593 00:45:35 Nagh.... Not gonna work hereanymore anyway.
594 00:45:39 -And Mike Bolton. Nobody's gonna miss him.-You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
595 00:45:44 We're gonna bring in entry-level graduates,farm some work out to Singapore.
596 00:45:49 -Standard operating procedure.-Do they know this yet?
597 00:45:53 No. No, of course not. We find it's alwaysbetter to fire people on a Friday.
598 00:45:58 Studies have shown there's less chance ofan incident if you do it at the end of the week.
599 00:46:04 Peter, what we'd like to dois put you into position...
600 00:46:07 ...to have as many as four peopleworking right underneath you.
601 00:46:12 -This is a big promotion, Pete.-It's huge.
602 00:46:15 So you're gonna fire Michael and Samirand you're gonna give me more money?
603 00:46:21 Hm?
604 00:46:22 Wow.
605 00:46:25 Hm, yeah.
606 00:46:28 That's it. That's exactly what I need. Give itto me. Come on, you little fucker, let's go.
607 00:46:33 That's what I need. Let's do that.Let's do exactly that, you little fu....
608 00:46:38 -Michael.-Hey.
609 00:46:40 Listen to me.
610 00:46:44 What are you doing tonight?
611 00:46:46 Michael, there comes a point in a man's life,and maybe that time for you is now...
612 00:46:53 ...when it doesn't hurtto start thinking about the future.
613 00:46:58 No offense, Peter,but speak for yourself there, sport.
614 00:47:01 I'm not the one who's beenflaking out at work.
615 00:47:04 I know you had this religious experienceor whatever the hell that was...
616 00:47:08 ...but you better snap out of itand get it together or you'll get canned.
617 00:47:12 Yeah. And I....
618 00:47:14 Listen, that virusyou're always talking about...
619 00:47:18 ...the one that could rip off the companyfor a bunch of money.
620 00:47:21 -What about it?-Well, how does it work?
621 00:47:25 It's brilliant. Every time there'sa transaction where interest is computed...
622 00:47:30 ...that's thousands a day, the computer ends upwith fractions of a cent, which it rounds off.
623 00:47:35 What this does is it takes those littleremainders and puts them into an account.
624 00:47:39 -This sounds familiar.-They did it in Superman III.
625 00:47:42 -Right.-Underrated movie, actually.
626 00:47:45 Then there were hackers that did it in the '70s.One got busted.
627 00:47:48 -So they check for this now?-No. Here's the thing.
628 00:47:52 Initech's so backed up with the softwarewe're updating, they'd never notice.
629 00:47:56 You're right. And even if they wanted to,they couldn't check all that code.
630 00:48:00 Thumbs up their asses.Thumbs up their asses.
631 00:48:04 So, Michael,what's to stop you from doing this?
632 00:48:08 It's not worth the risk. I got a good job.
633 00:48:11 What if you didn't have a good job?
634 00:48:15 Cock gobblers!
635 00:48:20 Samir and I are the best programmersthey got at that place.
636 00:48:24 You don't show up and you keep your job.
637 00:48:26 -Actually, I'm being promoted.-What?
638 00:48:29 I know, Michael.
639 00:48:31 It's completely unfair.
640 00:48:33 And I realized something today.
641 00:48:36 It's not just about me and my dreamof doing nothing, it's about all of us together.
642 00:48:43 I don't know what happened to meat that hypnotherapist...
643 00:48:46 ...maybe it was shockand it's wearing off now...
644 00:48:49 ...but when I sawthat fat man keel over and die....
645 00:48:51 Michael, we don't havea lot of time on this earth.
646 00:48:54 We weren't meant to spend it this way.
647 00:48:57 Human beings were not meant to sit in littlecubicles staring at computer screens all day...
648 00:49:03 ...filling out forms and listening to differentbosses drone on about mission statements.
649 00:49:08 I told those fudge packersI like Michael Bolton's music.
650 00:49:12 That is not right, Michael.
651 00:49:15 For five years, you've worked your ass offat Initech, hoping for a promotion...
652 00:49:19 ...or some kind of profit sharingor something.
653 00:49:22 Five years of your mid-20s now gone.
654 00:49:26 And you'll go in tomorrow, they'll throw youout on the street. You know why?
655 00:49:32 So that Bill Lumbergh's stockwill go up a quarter of a point.
656 00:49:38 Michael, let's make that stock go down.
657 00:49:41 And let's take enough money out of that placeso that we never have to sit in a cubicle again.
658 00:49:47 -Your software works, right?-Of course it works. That's not the point.
659 00:49:52 I wouldn't know how to install it. I don't knowthe credit union's software well enough. Okay?
660 00:49:57 Yeah.
661 00:49:59 But Samir does.
662 00:50:01 -That's not much money.-That's the beauty of it.
663 00:50:04 Each withdrawal is a fraction of a cent.That's too small to notice.
664 00:50:08 But a few thousand withdrawals a day over afew years is a few hundred thousand dollars.
665 00:50:14 -It's like Superman III.-Superman III?
666 00:50:18 I have to leave now, okay?I have to get my r茅sum茅 ready.
667 00:50:21 Get your r茅sum茅 ready for what? Another jobwhere they can fire you for no reason?
668 00:50:25 That's right. If I'm lucky.
669 00:50:28 I don't know about you, but I'm tiredof being pushed around. Aren't you?
670 00:50:32 Yes, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.
671 00:50:35 Illegal? Samir, this is America.
672 00:50:38 Come on, sit down.
673 00:50:40 Come on, this isn't Riyadh. They're notgonna saw your hands off here, all right?
674 00:50:46 At worst they would put you for a few monthsinto a white-collar, minimum-security resort.
675 00:50:52 Shit, we should be so lucky.They have conjugal visits there.
676 00:50:56 -Really?-Yes.
677 00:50:57 Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't hada conjugal visit in six months.
678 00:51:02 -So, what do you think?-This thing is actually pretty fail-safe, Samir.
679 00:51:06 Samir.
680 00:51:09 You came looking for a land of opportunity,and this is the knock of that opportunity.
681 00:51:15 Tomorrow is your last day at Initech.
682 00:51:17 You have two options: unemploymentor early retirement. What's it gonna be?
683 00:51:23 -I have a question.-Yes.
684 00:51:26 In these conjugal visits,you can have sex with women?
685 00:51:29 Yep, you sure can.
686 00:51:36 -Okay, I'll do it.-That's what I'm talking about.
687 00:51:39 -Peter, can we discuss the plan. Okay?-Okay, yeah, good, right.
688 00:51:43 It's like a computer virus. We load it into thecredit union mainframe and it'll do the rest.
689 00:51:48 You get me that disk and I'll take care of it.
690 00:51:50 But listen, before we go any further,all right...
691 00:51:54 ...we have to swear to God, Allah, thatnobody knows about this but us. All right?
692 00:51:59 -No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.-Of course.
693 00:52:03 -Agreed.LAWRENCE:I won't tell anyone either.
694 00:52:06 -What the fuck is that?-Don't worry. He's cool. Here's how I see it.
695 00:52:11 Congratulations.This is one heck of a promotion.
696 00:52:14 Thank you, Bob.
697 00:52:15 And we'll go aheadand get some people under you right away.
698 00:53:44 -Well, that was easy.-Yeah, I guess it was.
699 00:53:47 What did you do with...?
700 00:53:49 Hey, man.
701 00:53:51 Hey, Drew.
702 00:53:52 -Did you hear about Tom Smykowski?-He got laid off?
703 00:53:55 No, man. Check it out. Last week,after he found out he was getting laid off...
704 00:54:00 ...he tries to kill himselfby running the car in the garage.
705 00:54:03 MIKE: Is he dead?DREW: No, man.
706 00:54:05 His wife comes home early and catches him.So he tries to play it like nothing happened.
707 00:54:11 I was having some troublewith the shifter here. It's jammed.
708 00:54:15 I couldn't get it into drive.
709 00:54:18 -I mean, reverse.-Are you okay, Tom?
710 00:54:20 DREW: Then, as he's looking at her,he decides he wants to live.
711 00:54:25 -Yeah, I think I'm okay.-Right.
712 00:54:28 Seems to be working now.
713 00:54:32 See you later, honey.
714 00:54:34 Love you.
715 00:54:37 DREW: But then,as soon as he backs out of his driveway...
716 00:54:41 ...he gets slammed big timeby a drunk driver.
717 00:54:43 -Is he okay?-Sort of.
718 00:54:45 Broke both his wrists, legs,couple of ribs, his back.
719 00:54:48 But check it out: He's gonna geta huge settlement, seven figures.
720 00:54:52 He gets out of the hospital tomorrow and he'sthrowing a party this weekend. We're invited.
721 00:54:58 I might take that new chick from Logistics.
722 00:55:00 Things go well,I might be showing her my "oh" face.
723 00:55:04 Oh, oh, oh.
724 00:55:05 You know what I'm talking about. Oh.
725 00:55:11 See you guys later.
726 00:55:14 Wow.
727 00:55:15 Our last day at Initech.
728 00:55:18 I can't believe they had security escort us out.It's not like we're going to steal something.
729 00:55:25 -I stole something.-Oh, yeah. I guess we all did.
730 00:55:28 No. I stole something else.
731 00:55:32 What did you steal?
732 00:55:35 Call it a going away present.
733 00:57:14 There's nothing to worry about.Everything is gonna be okay, all right?
734 00:57:20 Okay? It's fun and it's exciting.
735 00:57:22 I gotta.... I gotta go, all right?Joanna's coming over, all right?
736 00:57:26 Don't worry. You're worrying, all right?
737 00:57:30 Monday, we'll check the account.Everything will be okay.
738 00:57:33 Don't miss Tom's barbecue.I'll see you there. All right? Good night.
739 00:57:37 [SINGING]Back up in your ass with the resurrection
740 00:57:42 What were you guys celebrating last night?
741 00:57:45 Uh....
742 00:57:47 I'm not really at liberty to talk about it.
743 00:57:52 I really can't.
744 00:57:57 So when the subroutinecompounds the interest...
745 00:58:00 ...it uses all these extra decimal placesthat just get rounded off.
746 00:58:04 So we simplify the whole thing and we round'em all down and just drop the remainder...
747 00:58:09 ...into an account that we opened.
748 00:58:12 So you're stealing?
749 00:58:15 No. You don't understand. It's....
750 00:58:18 It's very complicated. It's aggregates.
751 00:58:21 So I'm talking about fractions of a penny here,and over time they add up to a lot.
752 00:58:27 Oh, okay.
753 00:58:29 -So you're gonna make a lot of money, right?-Yeah.
754 00:58:32 -That's not yours?-Well, it becomes ours.
755 00:58:36 How is that not stealing?
756 00:58:40 I don't think that I'm explaining thisvery well.
757 00:58:44 The 7-Eleven, right?
758 00:58:46 -You'd take a penny from the tray.-From the crippled children?
759 00:58:50 No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray.You know, the pennies for everybody.
760 00:58:55 -Oh, for everybody. Okay.-Yeah. Well those are whole pennies.
761 00:58:58 I'm just talking aboutfractions of a penny here. Okay?
762 00:59:02 But we do it from a much bigger trayand we do it a couple of million times.
763 00:59:06 -So, what's wrong with that?-It just seems wrong.
764 00:59:10 It's not wrong. Initech is wrong.Initech is an evil corporation. All right?
765 00:59:15 Chotchkie's is wrong.
766 00:59:17 Doesn't it bother you that you have to get upand put on pieces of flare?
767 00:59:21 Yeah, but I'm not about to go inand start taking money from the register.
768 00:59:25 Well, maybe you should.
769 00:59:28 You know, the Nazis had pieces of flarethat they made the Jews wear.
770 00:59:32 What?
771 00:59:34 Look, we don't.... I....
772 00:59:36 We don't have to talk about this now.Let's just go to the barbecue.
773 00:59:40 Okay.
774 00:59:44 -Michael, Samir, how you doing?-Hey, Tom.
775 00:59:49 I'd like you to meet my lawyer,Rob Newhouse.
776 00:59:51 -Rob. Michael. Samir.-How you doing?
777 00:59:55 Peter. How are you?I'm glad you could make it.
778 00:59:58 Tom, hi. This is somebodyI'd like you to meet. This is Joanna.
779 01:00:03 -Hi.-Hi.
780 01:00:04 Forgive me for not getting up.
781 01:00:15 Peter, come here a minute.I wanna show you something.
782 01:00:19 Well, what do you think? It's a prototype.
783 01:00:22 PETER:Huh! That's exactly as you described it.
784 01:00:28 Listen, I heard about your settlement.Congratulations.
785 01:00:32 Thanks, Peter. You know, I'm glad you're herebecause I wanted to talk to you.
786 01:00:37 I know how you get depressedabout your job and all.
787 01:00:41 I just wanted you to know that I knowhow you feel. I used to be the same way.
788 01:00:45 -Really?-Sure. Well, maybe I didn't whine as much.
789 01:00:49 But I bet I hated my job even more than you,and I've been doing it for over 30 years.
790 01:00:55 -Wow.-Just remember...
791 01:00:57 ...if you hang in there long enough,good things can happen in this world.
792 01:01:02 I mean, look at me.
793 01:01:06 Thanks, Tom.
794 01:01:08 Sure.
795 01:01:15 Conjugal visits? Not that I know of.
796 01:01:19 And a minimum-security prison is no picnic.
797 01:01:21 I've a client in there right now.
798 01:01:23 He says the trick iskick someone's ass the first day...
799 01:01:27 ...or become someone's bitch.
800 01:01:29 Then everything will be all right.
801 01:01:31 -Why do you ask anyway?-Oh, no. We've just seen stuff....
802 01:01:36 It's....
803 01:01:43 -Hey, Peter.-Drew.
804 01:01:45 -That's something about old Smykowski.-Yeah.
805 01:01:48 Lucky bastard.
806 01:01:50 Hey, isn't that the girlwho works over at Chotchkie's?
807 01:01:53 Yeah.
808 01:01:55 -Gee. Who's she here with?-She's with me.
809 01:02:00 -Really?-Yeah.
810 01:02:02 All right, Peter. Oh, oh.
811 01:02:07 Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.
812 01:02:11 -Why's that, Drew?-Are you kidding me?
813 01:02:14 She gets around, all right?
814 01:02:18 -She does, does she?-Oh, yeah. Like a record.
815 01:02:25 -Like with who?-Oh, let's see. Uh....
816 01:02:29 Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.
817 01:02:32 Let me see, who else?
818 01:02:36 Lumbergh?
819 01:02:39 What.... Oh, what if you get caught?
820 01:02:42 I just don't know if this wassuch a good idea.
821 01:02:45 Maybe it wasn't a good ideafor you to sleep with Lumbergh.
822 01:02:49 What? What are you...?
823 01:02:52 Oh, right. Lumbergh.
824 01:02:55 Agh!
825 01:02:56 Oh, God. Lumbergh.
826 01:02:59 Peter, what is wrong with you?That was two years ago.
827 01:03:03 -Did you know him?-Yeah, I know him. I know him. He's my boss.
828 01:03:08 He's my unholy disgusting pig of a boss.
829 01:03:11 He's not that disgusting.
830 01:03:13 He represents all that is soulless and wrong.And you slept with him.
831 01:03:18 Hey! That is none of your business. Okay?
832 01:03:22 I didn't ask who you slept withbefore we were together. I don't care.
833 01:03:26 I didn't thinkyou slept with guys like Lumbergh.
834 01:03:29 Listen to you. Who do you think you are?How dare you judge me?
835 01:03:35 What are you?You think you're some kind of angel?
836 01:03:37 No, you're just this petty,stealing, wannabe criminal man.
837 01:03:43 Yeah, well, that may be.But at least I never slept with Lumbergh.
838 01:03:47 Okay, that's.... I'm done.I wanna get out of the car. Get me.... Stop.
839 01:03:52 Why don't you just call mewhen you grow up?
840 01:03:54 Wait, that's probablynever gonna happen. Don't call.
841 01:03:57 Say hello to Lumbergh for me!
842 01:04:06 Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.Lumbergh fucked her.
843 01:04:10 Lumbergh fucked her.
844 01:04:12 That is great.
845 01:04:15 I mean, she was seeing the "oh" face for sure.Oh, oh, oh!
846 01:04:21 Ooh.
847 01:04:23 If you could go ahead and just movea little bit to the.... That's it. Great.
848 01:04:28 Peter, what's happening?
849 01:04:31 Could you get methose TPS reports asap? Okay?
850 01:04:51 -Joanna.-Yeah?
851 01:04:53 We need to talk.Do you know what this is about?
852 01:05:00 -My flare?-Yeah.
853 01:05:04 Or your lack of flare, because I'm countingand I only see 15 pieces.
854 01:05:11 Let me ask you a question, Joanna.
855 01:05:13 What do you think of a personwho only does the bare minimum?
856 01:05:19 What do I think? You know what, Stan?
857 01:05:23 If you want me to wear 37 pieces of flare,like your pretty boy over there, Brian...
858 01:05:28 ...why don't you justmake the minimum 37 pieces of flare?
859 01:05:32 Well, I thought I remembered you sayingthat you wanted to express yourself.
860 01:05:37 Yeah. You know what? Yeah. I do.
861 01:05:39 I do wanna express myself. Okay?
862 01:05:42 And I don't need 37 pieces of flare to do it.
863 01:05:46 All right? There's my flare. Okay?
864 01:05:48 And this is me expressing myself.
865 01:05:52 Okay? There it is.
866 01:05:55 I hate this job.I hate this goddamn job and I don't need it!
867 01:06:15 Oh, shit.
868 01:06:16 Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
869 01:06:19 -Son of a bitch! Shit!-This is a fuck!
870 01:06:23 -Son of a bitch!-I.... Shit!
871 01:06:25 -What happened?-You tell me. It's your software!
872 01:06:28 It's your software!
873 01:06:30 You know, Corporate Accounting issure as hell gonna notice $305,300....
874 01:06:35 26.13, Michael!
875 01:06:38 They probably won't knowit's gone for another three or four days.
876 01:06:43 Michael. Michael, you said this thingwas gonna take two years.
877 01:06:47 What happened?You said it was supposed to work.
878 01:06:49 -Technically, it did.-No, it didn't!
879 01:06:52 -It did not work, Michael. Okay?-Okay, okay, okay.
880 01:06:55 -Okay?-Okay.
881 01:06:57 I must have put a decimal pointin the wrong place.
882 01:07:00 Shit, I always mess up some mundane detail.
883 01:07:02 Oh! Well, this is nota mundane detail, Michael!
884 01:07:06 Hey, quit getting pissed at me, all right?This was all your idea, asshole.
885 01:07:11 All right. Okay. All right, let's try notto get pissed off at each other, all right?
886 01:07:16 Let's calm down and figure this out together.
887 01:07:19 We gotta close that accountbefore it gets bigger.
888 01:07:23 ALL [SINGING]:Happy birthday to you
889 01:07:27 Happy birthday to you
890 01:07:32 Happy birthday, Mr. Lumbergh
891 01:07:38 Happy birthday to you
892 01:07:45 Doesn't that looks terrific? Hm.
893 01:07:48 Here, Peg. Do you wannaget everybody started there?
894 01:07:54 Mm.
895 01:07:55 Oh, that is terrific. Just terrific.
896 01:07:58 Thanks, everybody. Really.I really appreciate it.
897 01:08:02 Very special.
898 01:08:03 Now, Milton. Don't be greedy. Let's pass italong and make sure everyone gets a piece.
899 01:08:09 But last time I didn't receive a piece,and I was told....
900 01:08:12 -Just pass.-Okay.
901 01:08:16 But if....
902 01:08:22 [MILTON MUMBLES]
903 01:08:25 The ratio of people to cake is....
904 01:08:46 I could set the building on fire.
905 01:08:49 Is there some wayto just give the money back?
906 01:08:52 You mean hand them a checkfor the exact amount they're missing?
907 01:08:56 I think they'd figure that out.
908 01:08:58 But we have to do something.
909 01:09:01 Maybe we could launder the money.
910 01:09:04 That's a great idea. Okay, how do we do that?
911 01:09:07 I don't know. I don't know what it means.I was hoping you knew.
912 01:09:11 -I think coke dealers do it.-Okay. All right. Do we know any coke dealers?
913 01:09:16 My cousin's a cokehead.
914 01:09:23 Fuck! We're in deep shit.
915 01:09:26 Yes, we are in very, very deep shit.
916 01:09:35 -Milton. What's happening?-I wanted to say....
917 01:09:38 -Say, Milton, you know what would be great?-But, no.
918 01:09:42 Since you're down here, it wouldbe really great if you could just sort of...
919 01:09:47 ...take care of the cockroach problemwe've been having.
920 01:09:50 That's really not my job. I haven't received....
921 01:09:53 Why don't you go ahead and get yourselfa flashlight and a can of pesticide and...?
922 01:09:59 Bill. We need you upstairs right away.We got a big problem. Big.
923 01:10:04 Some major glitch in Accounting.A lot of money missing.
924 01:10:08 We gotta investigate it.
925 01:10:12 Excuse me.
926 01:10:15 Excuse me.
927 01:10:19 Okay. That's the last straw.
928 01:10:23 Here we go. Here we go.
929 01:10:26 "Launder. To clean." No.
930 01:10:30 Here it is. "To conceal the source of moneyas by channeling it through an intermediary."
931 01:10:37 -"To conceal...."-That doesn't really help us, Michael.
932 01:10:41 What a bunch of nerds we are.We're looking up "laundering" in a dictionary.
933 01:10:45 Yeah. Well, you guyscan both eat my ass, okay.
934 01:10:50 I can't believe Joanna slept with Lumbergh.
935 01:10:53 -Yeah, you didn't know that?-You didn't know that?
936 01:10:56 A couple of years ago,before he moved to Atlanta.
937 01:11:00 You mean Ron Lumbergh?The Intertrode guy, the young guy?
938 01:11:04 Yeah. Who did you think I meant? Bill?
939 01:11:09 Fuck, their children would have hooves.
940 01:11:13 Ron's not related to Bill, is he?
941 01:11:15 [KNOCK ON DOOR]
942 01:11:17 Who's that?
943 01:11:20 All right, nobody panic.It's probably just Lawrence.
944 01:11:26 Good evening, sir. My name is Steve.I come from a rough area.
945 01:11:29 I used to be addicted to crack,but now I'm trying to stay clean.
946 01:11:33 That is why I sell magazine subscriptions.
947 01:11:36 -No.-I was hoping you could help me out.
948 01:11:38 You used to be addicted to crack?
949 01:11:41 Yeah.
950 01:11:45 Look, I'm very sorry. I do not knowanything about any money laundering.
951 01:11:49 We're not asking you about that.We need you to hook us up....
952 01:11:52 Michael, he doesn't know anybody.
953 01:11:56 Wait a minute. Look, you just give usthe name of one drug dealer.
954 01:12:00 -I could talk to him. I'm good at networking.-I lied.
955 01:12:04 All that stuff I said about being a crackhead,it just helps me sell magazines.
956 01:12:09 I'm actuallyan unemployed software engineer.
957 01:12:15 -You're a software engineer?-Yep.
958 01:12:18 Things must be very rough for you.
959 01:12:21 Actually, man...
960 01:12:23 ...I make more money selling magazinesubscriptions than I ever did at Intertrode.
961 01:12:27 At Intertrode?
962 01:12:29 You're not gonna tell anybody about all thisstuff? We know a lot of the same people.
963 01:12:38 Actually, that all depends.
964 01:12:45 What am I gonna dowith 40 subscriptions to Vibe?
965 01:12:49 We never should have done this.What were we thinking?
966 01:12:53 Know what I can't figure out? How is it thatthese stupid Mafia guys are so good at crime...
967 01:12:59 ...and smart guys like uscan suck so badly at it?
968 01:13:01 We're new to it, though.If we had more experience....
969 01:13:06 Know what I think? I think we're screwed.
970 01:13:09 There's enough evidenceall over that building to link us to this.
971 01:13:13 Even if we could launder, I wouldn't want to.What we did is bad enough.
972 01:13:16 We get caught laundering,we're not going to white-collar prison. No.
973 01:13:20 We're going to federalpound-me-in-the-ass prison.
974 01:13:23 I don't want to go to any prison.
975 01:13:26 Why the hell did I do this?
976 01:13:28 I've never done anything wrong.
977 01:13:30 We weren't thinking clearlycos you told us we were losing our jobs.
978 01:13:34 Now look at us, we're worried about prison.
979 01:13:36 Don't worry about it. I'll think of something.
980 01:13:40 I'm going home.
981 01:13:42 Me too.
982 01:13:45 You are a very bad person, Peter.
983 01:14:09 -Lawrence, are you awake?LAWRENCE: Yeah.
984 01:14:14 -You wanna come over?LAWRENCE: No thanks, man.
985 01:14:16 I don't want you fucking up my life.
986 01:14:24 And in light of the senselessness of theseheinous crimes that you have committed...
987 01:14:29 ...I hereby sentence you,Michael Bolton and Samir Nagh....
988 01:14:35 Naghadajibad...
989 01:14:37 ...to a term of no less than four yearsin a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
990 01:14:47 Peter Gibbons, you've leda trite and meaningless life.
991 01:14:54 And you're a very bad person.
992 01:15:34 Hey.
993 01:15:37 -You're not working at Chotchkie's?-No, no. I got fired.
994 01:15:42 -What happened?-I flipped off my boss.
995 01:15:46 Some customers.
996 01:15:48 Actually, a line, but theyjust happened to be standing there.
997 01:15:52 I might be going away for a while.
998 01:15:56 To jail. You were right aboutthat computer scam. That was a bad idea.
999 01:16:01 I'm gonna take the blame for it, I decided.
1000 01:16:05 I'm on my way to return the money and leavea confession under Lumbergh's door.
1001 01:16:12 I wanna apologize. I had no rightto get pissed off at you about Lumbergh.
1002 01:16:16 Lumbergh is not my problem.It wasn't even the right Lumbergh.
1003 01:16:19 I don't know why I can'tjust go to work and be happy.
1004 01:16:24 -Like I'm supposed to, like everybody else.-Most people don't like their jobs.
1005 01:16:29 But you go out there and you find somethingthat makes you happy.
1006 01:16:32 Yeah. Well, I may never be happy at my job...
1007 01:16:38 ...but I think that if I could be with youthat I could be happy with my life.
1008 01:16:43 I've been a real asshole. But if youcould give it another shot, I promise....
1009 01:16:48 Okay, shut up.
1010 01:16:54 Whoa. Hey, what's going on here?
1011 01:16:57 Get a room, you two.
1012 01:17:02 I hate that guy.
1013 01:17:56 And Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to Payroll,then Payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh...
1014 01:18:01 ...and I still haven't received my paycheck, andhe took my stapler and never brought it back...
1015 01:18:06 ...and then they moved my desk to storageroom B and there was garbage on it.
1016 01:18:10 Why don't you go back and sit at your desk?Mr. Lumbergh should be here any minute.
1017 01:18:14 -Mr. Lumbergh....-Just go sit at your desk. Okay?
1018 01:18:18 Okay.
1019 01:18:19 [MUMBLES]
1020 01:18:27 I'm going to have to take my stapler backbecause it is my stapler and I....
1021 01:18:39 It's my stapler.It's a Swingline. It has been for a long time.
1022 01:19:03 Lawrence, are you in there?
1023 01:19:06 Whoa.
1024 01:19:07 -Hey, Peter, man.-Hey.
1025 01:19:10 So I might be going away for a while.
1026 01:19:13 Yeah, I know, man.
1027 01:19:15 -It's a bummer, dude. What can I say?-Yeah.
1028 01:19:21 Well, time to go face the music.
1029 01:19:25 -You take care of yourself if I don't see you.-You too, man. Take her easy, bud.
1030 01:19:33 -Hey, Peter.-Yeah.
1031 01:19:36 Watch out for the cornhole, bud.
1032 01:19:40 Okay, Lawrence.
1033 01:19:43 [DISTANT SIRENS]
1034 01:19:54 MAN:Stay clear now. Stay clear.
1035 01:19:58 Holy shit.
1036 01:20:15 MILTON:It's a big fire.
1037 01:20:18 Excuse me. I was here first.Can I get through?
1038 01:21:09 Wait a minute. Let me take a look at that.
1039 01:21:12 You don't want that, Peter, man.That's toasted, man.
1040 01:21:16 I think I know someone who might want this.
1041 01:21:28 [HORN HONKS]
1042 01:21:30 Hey, man.
1043 01:21:33 Wanna go to lunch?
1044 01:21:35 Brought mine in a pail. Plus, Joanna'ssupposed to come by a little later.
1045 01:21:40 -So, how do you like your new job?-It's not too bad. Not too bad.
1046 01:21:44 -How's Penetrode?-Intertrode.
1047 01:21:47 -Intertrode.-All right.
1048 01:21:49 It's work.
1049 01:21:51 Yeah.
1050 01:21:52 -Probably get you a job there if you want.-No. Thanks. I'm doing good here.
1051 01:21:59 So....
1052 01:22:02 -We're gonna be OK, right?-Yeah.
1053 01:22:06 I think the fire took care of everything.
1054 01:22:09 I wonder if the money burned up.
1055 01:22:11 -It would be a shame.-Yeah.
1056 01:22:14 So you're sureyou don't want us to get you a job?
1057 01:22:17 That's one thing I'm definitely sure of.
1058 01:22:23 All right, chief.
1059 01:22:25 You guys take care, all right?
1060 01:22:28 -Stay in touch, man.-Okay, will do.
1061 01:22:35 This isn't so bad, huh?
1062 01:22:38 Making bucks, getting exercise,working outside.
1063 01:22:43 Fucking A.
1064 01:22:48 Fucking A.
1065 01:23:08 Excuse me. Excuse me, se帽or.May I speak to you, please?
1066 01:23:12 I asked for a mai taiand they brought me a pi帽a colada.
1067 01:23:15 And I said no salt, no salt for the margarita,but it had salt on it.
1068 01:23:19 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
1069 01:23:22 I won't be leaving a tip.
1070 01:23:26 I could shut this whole resort down.
1071 01:23:28 Sir.
1072 01:23:30 I could take my traveler's checksto a competing resort.
1073 01:23:36 I could write a letter to your board of tourismand I could have this place condemned.
1074 01:23:41 I could put....I could put strychnine in the guacamole.
1075 01:23:45 There was salt on the glass.Big grains of salt.
1076 01:24:02 Get a ride on the old bone rollercoaster.
1077 01:24:21 Hey, don't come back in a dress, man.You big fag.
1078 01:24:48 I'm working at Hooters now,you know, and it's very cool.
