笑到最后 The Last Laugh(2019)(EN)Subtitles
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1 00:00:06 [grunts]
2 00:00:19 [coughs]
3 00:00:22 You've worked hard. That's a fact.
4 00:00:26 Now, it's time to relax
5 00:00:28 and there's no better place to relaxthan right here.
6 00:00:32 Palm Sunshine is not a home.
7 00:00:35 It's a paradise.
8 00:00:39 Start your day with friends by the pool,
9 00:00:42 then join us at the Sunshine Bistrofor lunch or dinner
10 00:00:46 and be sure to take a strollaround the five acres of luscious greenery
11 00:00:51 before returningto your easy access bungalow,
12 00:00:54 designed by famed architect Bijan Zanjan.
13 00:00:59 Feel like going shopping or to the movies?
14 00:01:03 Let our Sunshine Shuttle take you there.
15 00:01:06 But why leave when you seewho's performing at the Casbah Cabaret?
16 00:01:11 Some of the hottest acts in show businesshit the stage five nights a week.
17 00:01:17 You've taken care of business,taken care of your family.
18 00:01:22 Isn't it time somebody took care...of you?
19 00:01:26 ♪You've worked hard♪
20 00:01:28 ♪That's a fact♪
21 00:01:30 ♪Now, it's time to relax♪
22 00:01:34 ♪At Palm Sunshine.♪
23 00:02:12 It's The Shins.
24 00:02:14 Ah, they're terrific. Very emo.
25 00:02:17 That's really amazing!
26 00:02:18 You're, like,only nine years behind in the times.
27 00:02:21 I've always been hip.You know that, Jeannie.
28 00:02:23 You know,hip people don't say that they're hip.
29 00:02:25 What am I supposed to listen to?Lawrence Welk?
30 00:02:27 You love Lawrence Welk!You fall asleep to him almost every night.
31 00:02:33 Did you watch the video?
32 00:02:35 The video?
33 00:02:37 Yeah, the DVD. Palm Sunshine?
34 00:02:40 Oh, you retire from the post office,not from show business.
35 00:02:44 -You did.-No, I didn't!
36 00:02:46 All my acts died on me, except Max Becker.At least he's still alive.
37 00:02:50 Doesn't Max Becker have a new manager?
38 00:02:53 Yeah, but you never know.He might drop him.
39 00:02:58 -Thank you!-Chicken salad.
40 00:03:00 -Pastrami.-We need pickles, the good kind.
41 00:03:10 What's on your head?
42 00:03:13 Is that make-up?
43 00:03:14 Grandpa, you fell again?
44 00:03:16 I did not fall. I was already downand please don't use the word "again."
45 00:03:22 Shecky Greene.
46 00:03:24 You know how many people my ageknow who that is? None!
47 00:03:27 Bob Hope, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor,all the Jacks and the Jackies.
48 00:03:31 What, you got Skinny Jack, Fat Jack,Jack Benny,
49 00:03:34 Jackie Gleason, Jack Carter, Jackie Mason,One-Eyed Jack...
50 00:03:37 You know? You put so much shit in my headand I kind of love you for it.
51 00:03:42 Kind of?
52 00:03:44 Look, maybe...
53 00:03:46 Well, there was that time with the...
54 00:03:50 -the stove and then there's---What do you want from me, Jeannie?
55 00:03:56 I don't want you to be alone.
56 00:03:59 Happy days and a pleasant good night.
57 00:04:06 Are you a catheter user?
58 00:04:09 What if your catheter could hidein plain sight?
59 00:04:11 I turned 60 this year and I'm not--Don't.
60 00:04:15 No need to applaud.
61 00:04:17 "Gee, he's really in tremendous shape.
62 00:04:19 I bet he's on a high fibre diet."
63 00:04:22 I had an oat muffin ten years agoand I'm still shitting because of it.
64 00:04:29 I'm a manager.
65 00:04:31 Mostly, I manage comedians,like Arty Wise.
66 00:04:35 Huh.
67 00:04:37 You a fan?
68 00:04:38 No, I don't know who that is.
69 00:04:40 Oh, well, everyone probably olderthan you knows Arty Wise.
70 00:04:45 You'd know him if you saw him.
71 00:04:48 But you won't see him 'cause he's dead.
72 00:04:52 Dead and gone.
73 00:04:53 I'm sorry to hear that.
74 00:04:54 -I'm Al Hart.-[cell phone rings]
75 00:04:57 Hello?
76 00:05:00 No, I'm free. Perfect timing, yeah!
77 00:05:06 Hi, sweetheart.
78 00:05:08 How are you?
79 00:05:09 Keeping busy?
80 00:05:14 I could really use your advice, Lois.
81 00:05:18 I'm a little lost.
82 00:05:21 How about a sign?
83 00:05:23 No rain, though.
84 00:05:25 I walked here.
85 00:05:32 What am I supposed to do, darling?
86 00:05:44 ♪You worked hard♪
87 00:05:47 ♪That's a fact♪
88 00:05:50 ♪Now, it's time to relax...♪
89 00:05:55 [woman] I really wish you guyscould stay for dinner.
90 00:05:57 -Wednesday is Lasagna Night.-Lasagna Night?
91 00:06:01 -Yes! Mr Hart...-Yes?
92 00:06:03 I think that once you see the campus,
93 00:06:05 -you'll be very impressed.-I hope so.
94 00:06:07 And what better wayto show you the grounds of Palm Sunshine
95 00:06:10 than to have one of our residentsgive you a tour?
96 00:06:13 [bells ring]
97 00:06:15 [grunts]
98 00:06:16 [clears throat, spits]
99 00:06:19 Did somebody call for a tour guide?
100 00:06:23 [coughs]
101 00:06:27 Come on, I don't have all day.
102 00:06:32 How long you been married?
103 00:06:33 Oh, no, this is my grandpa.
104 00:06:37 Yeah, I don't care.
105 00:06:40 No! Grandpa, come on.
106 00:06:42 -Just...-No, let's get out of here.
107 00:06:44 No, we'll just... A couple of minutes.
108 00:06:54 Go-go dancers.
109 00:06:56 Go on, check it out!
110 00:07:00 -Let's get the hell out of here.-Okay.
111 00:07:02 [horns honk]
112 00:07:13 This is the mess hall.
113 00:07:15 A potato a day
114 00:07:17 and soup... made from rocks!
115 00:07:20 It's horrible!
116 00:07:22 But never, ever ask for more
117 00:07:26 or they'll put you in the Box.
118 00:07:28 The what?
119 00:07:29 The Box! People die in the Box!
120 00:07:32 Don't let them put me in the Box...
121 00:07:34 -I had no intention of---You gotta help me!
122 00:07:36 You gotta help me!
123 00:07:37 Please, just help meget a message to my son!
124 00:07:40 [yells]
125 00:07:41 Please!
126 00:07:43 I don't want to do Ed Sullivan.
127 00:07:57 Buddy?
128 00:07:59 Buddy Green?
129 00:08:00 -Al Hart!-[laughs]
130 00:08:02 I don't believe this!
131 00:08:06 -I---I got him good!
132 00:08:08 Got me good.You know, you son of a bitch, you got old.
133 00:08:11 -Me?-That's how I didn't recognize you.
134 00:08:13 -You look like a mummy.-How did you know I was even coming here?
135 00:08:16 I'm the welcoming committee.
136 00:08:17 I saw your name on the list.
137 00:08:20 Come on.
138 00:08:23 What a surprise!
139 00:08:25 This place is terrific and I mean it,
140 00:08:29 and I was the most skeptical of allwhen I first moved in here.
141 00:08:33 But my son, he just...
142 00:08:37 He just talked me into it, you know?
143 00:08:41 It doesn't bother you,being around so many old people?
144 00:08:44 Oh... no...
145 00:08:46 Never use the O word.
146 00:08:48 It's very offensive.
147 00:08:50 The politically correct term is pre-dead.
148 00:08:57 Buddy Green!I never thought I'd see you again.
149 00:09:01 I know.
150 00:09:02 So, what happened?
151 00:09:03 Buddy was my first client ever.
152 00:09:06 He was one of the funniest up-and-comers.
153 00:09:08 I booked him everywhere.
154 00:09:10 Then we were doing two weeksat the Elegante,
155 00:09:13 opening for Al Martino.
156 00:09:15 Jerry Vale, and it was the Copa.
157 00:09:17 No.
158 00:09:18 I specifically rememberit was Martino at the Elegante.
159 00:09:22 It was my show and it was Jerry Valeand it was at the Copa.
160 00:09:26 You never played the Copa!I was your manager.
161 00:09:28 -I should know.-You are out of your mind!
162 00:09:31 -No---Guys, jeez! Okay.
163 00:09:33 What happened?
164 00:09:35 -I get the call.-From Ed Sullivan?
165 00:09:37 It's every comic's dream.
166 00:09:39 It was 1967.
167 00:09:42 Last time I saw him.
168 00:09:45 So... you didn't do Ed Sullivan?
169 00:09:50 What did you end up doing?
170 00:09:51 I became a podiatrist.
171 00:09:54 You gave up show business for feet?
172 00:09:56 Yep. I had the biggest practicein Beverley Hills...
173 00:09:59 where nobody walks.
174 00:10:03 But your grandfatherwas a hell of a manager.
175 00:10:06 -I wasn't that good.-He was a hell of a lousy manager,
176 00:10:09 -but he had a way with people.-I've never liked people.
177 00:10:11 -He never liked people, but he liked me.-I never liked you.
178 00:10:14 He never liked me, per se,but he liked children.
179 00:10:16 -Not your children.-Well, my children were terrible.
180 00:10:18 My son was a moron.
181 00:10:19 Can't even remember his own name!
182 00:10:22 This is his bit!
183 00:10:25 A guy who would keepon changing his opinion.
184 00:10:27 I called it The Agent.
185 00:10:30 Al Hart!
186 00:10:32 It's a hell of a surprise.
187 00:10:35 So, what do you think?
188 00:10:41 How are the chicks?
189 00:10:44 Old and horny.
190 00:11:30 So, what do you think?
191 00:11:31 Not bad.
192 00:11:32 Best part of it is,you don't gotta tip anybody.
193 00:11:35 Come on,we're gonna go get some good seats.
194 00:11:37 [men singing, piano playing]
195 00:12:01 They're twins.
196 00:12:03 Ah.
197 00:12:11 I gotta sit.
198 00:12:12 [sighs]
199 00:12:18 You know, I used to think that...
200 00:12:21 that running a marathon was... tiring.
201 00:12:25 Now, it's standing up for ten minutes.
202 00:12:28 -[laughs]-Buddy, you coming?
203 00:12:31 Uhh... Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
204 00:12:34 Okay? All right, I'll be there.
205 00:12:38 -Who's that?-Nobody.
206 00:12:41 Buddy...
207 00:12:42 Your girlfriend?You have a girlfriend?
208 00:12:44 Well... the cocktail lounge is still open.
209 00:12:47 Go get yourself a drink and...
210 00:12:50 and then I'll meet you in the morning,okay?
211 00:12:54 Does this ever happen to you,that when you stand up,
212 00:12:56 you have to pretendto be looking at something
213 00:12:59 -before you get your balance back?-I don't have all night!
214 00:13:02 That's your girlfriend, isn't it?
215 00:13:03 No!
216 00:13:05 No.
217 00:13:06 -Buddy?-It's a friend.
218 00:13:07 I think she's waiting.
219 00:13:10 Your mom.
220 00:13:11 -Yeah.-Now is the time, Buddy.
221 00:13:14 -[clears throat]-You know, the nice thing about this place
222 00:13:17 is that you don't haveto eat anyone's shit.
223 00:13:41 Did you hear the oneabout the guy who goes to the doctor,
224 00:13:45 he says, "Doctor, I pee non-stop.
225 00:13:47 I can't help it, I just keep peeing.What shall I do?"
226 00:13:50 The doctor says, "First thing you haveto do is get off my rug."
227 00:13:57 Okay.
228 00:13:58 By the way, I got a new shipment.
229 00:14:00 -Oh, yeah?-Yeah, from Canada.
230 00:14:02 -All right.-A place called Viagra Falls.
231 00:14:05 Are you telling me you can still--
232 00:14:07 Like this.
233 00:14:09 Well, sometimes it's like this.
234 00:14:11 But Cialis or Viagra, sometimes both...
235 00:14:15 Doc Ron here, he's my pusher.
236 00:14:18 If you ever need a hard-on,this is my card.
237 00:14:24 [men laugh]
238 00:14:27 Thank you. Thank you so much, Ron.
239 00:14:29 Get about a 10-, 15-minute semi.
240 00:14:32 I'm okay with a semi.
241 00:14:34 Can you still come?
242 00:14:35 -Can you still---Yes.
243 00:14:36 Excuse me - orgasm. Yeah?
244 00:14:38 If you count... dust.
245 00:14:42 That's terrible!
246 00:14:43 The last time that my wife got frisky,
247 00:14:46 we were in bed and she startsstroking my chest and my stomach
248 00:14:52 and she slid her hand lower under my ass
249 00:14:56 and, all of a sudden, she stops
250 00:14:58 and I'm like, "Why are you stopping?"
251 00:15:00 And she says, "I found the remote."
252 00:15:15 You guys hear about Katz?
253 00:15:17 -Murray Katz?-Stroke.
254 00:15:20 Yeah, they ran him downto Cedars this morning.
255 00:15:23 -How is he?-I'm gonna guess... not good.
256 00:15:26 -And Darlene Lipshaw.-The tango dancer?
257 00:15:29 She's a good dancer.
258 00:15:30 Well, she was.
259 00:15:32 Fell in the shower, broke her hip.
260 00:15:34 Anything else?
261 00:15:35 -And her nose.-[groans]
262 00:15:38 Well, I want to thank youfor bringing us the good news.
263 00:15:49 That was Johnny Sunshine.
264 00:16:52 Not good.
265 00:16:54 [Sunshine] Hear about Saul Fischer?He won $5 at canasta,
266 00:16:58 went to bed, woke up dead.
267 00:17:01 Marty Freeman had a knee replacement.
268 00:17:03 And then they found a tumor on his spine.
269 00:17:07 That it?
270 00:17:08 That's not enough for you?
271 00:18:04 You know, I don’t think I ever knewthat you play the piano.
272 00:18:13 I'm not there yet, Buddy.
273 00:18:24 It's... a new season.
274 00:18:28 Embrace it.
275 00:18:38 George Burns. He was 100 years old.He never retired.
276 00:18:43 Rickles. He couldn’t walk,but he was still killing ’em.
277 00:18:46 I'd rather go down working.
278 00:18:48 [chuckles]
279 00:18:51 You're not working.
280 00:18:59 Do you have any idea how hotold comedians are right now?
281 00:19:03 What?
282 00:19:05 There’s a lot of love for the old-timers.
283 00:19:11 -Are you smoking grass?-Mmhmm.
284 00:19:14 -I have a card.-Since when do you smoke pot?
285 00:19:19 Since 1965, when The Beatles started.
286 00:19:23 A pot-smoking podiatrist.
287 00:19:29 -Want some?-Not my thing.
288 00:19:31 You never tried it, did you?
289 00:19:36 Of course I've tried it!
290 00:19:39 -It's just not my thing.-You never tried it.
291 00:19:41 -I tried it.-You never tried it.
292 00:19:43 Oh, God,you're the most tragically unhip person.
293 00:19:47 -Like you're hip!-I am. I am pretty hip.
294 00:19:51 Hip people do not say they're hip.
295 00:19:53 And just because I don't actlike a jazz musician doesn't mean I'm not.
296 00:19:57 Jazz musician?
297 00:19:58 That's your frame of reference?
298 00:20:01 That is the most unhip statementI have ever heard.
299 00:20:07 Look... can we just talk about this,just hypothetically?
300 00:20:13 Talk about what?
301 00:20:17 Are you telling me you don't miss it?
302 00:20:20 You could have been big.
303 00:20:22 I am big.
304 00:20:24 It's the jokes that got small.
305 00:20:27 You see? That's funny.
306 00:20:29 I'm a funny guy, you know?I used to crack up my patients.
307 00:20:33 -You had a gift.-I was just another comic.
308 00:20:36 I barely had an act.
309 00:20:38 You... had a personality and you still do.
310 00:20:41 And, by the way, you're in great shape.
311 00:20:44 I retired, Al, 50 years ago!
312 00:20:48 What a great comeback story!
313 00:20:51 Yeah, from bunions to Broadway!
314 00:20:55 See, you just can't help but be funny.
315 00:20:58 I'm a funny guy, okay!
316 00:21:00 Why not let me get you a few gigs?Just a few, test the waters.
317 00:21:05 Because I'm not a comedian, Al.I'm not!
318 00:21:08 Not any more.
319 00:21:10 Come on, what do you have to lose?
320 00:21:14 Buddy?
321 00:21:18 Go slip her that mushy semi.
322 00:21:21 [Buddy laughs]
323 00:21:39 [man] Oh, boy, here we go!
324 00:21:41 Here comes the Doomsday report.
325 00:21:44 -Did you hear about Buddy?-Huh?
326 00:21:46 Did you hear about Buddy?
327 00:21:48 -How is he?-Not good.
328 00:22:12 Jesus, Buddy.
329 00:22:15 Her name was Gayle Johnson and...
330 00:22:19 she was wonderful.
331 00:22:22 We fell asleep watching Law and Order.
332 00:22:28 She never woke up.
333 00:22:33 I am so sorry.
334 00:22:35 Couldn't take losinganother woman I loved.
335 00:22:39 So...
336 00:22:42 I pretended I didn't love her.
337 00:22:46 Would it have killed meto say that I loved her?
338 00:22:51 I'm sure she knew.
339 00:22:53 She was the only thingthat made this place... bearable.
340 00:22:57 That's not true.
341 00:22:59 You love it here.
342 00:23:00 I hate it.
343 00:23:03 What about all the shows--
344 00:23:05 Tone deaf singers and puppet shows.
345 00:23:11 I'm really not ready to die.
346 00:23:15 You're not gonna die.
347 00:23:24 Let's do it.
348 00:23:26 Just like in the old days.
349 00:23:28 Let's get out of here and put me to work.
350 00:23:35 Are you serious?
351 00:23:39 I'm serious as cancer.
352 00:24:03 I'm gonna book you in Vegas.
353 00:24:05 We'll play Chicago and New York and...
354 00:24:08 Buddy, I'm gonna book youon the fucking Tonight Show.
355 00:24:27 I got doughnuts and coffee.
356 00:24:29 -Did you tell your son?-You call your granddaughter?
357 00:24:35 Okay, hit it!
358 00:24:44 $10 they won’t make it to Glendale.
359 00:25:00 So, do you even have an act?
360 00:25:03 I never had an act.
361 00:25:05 I got 50 years of jokes.
362 00:25:15 Uhh.. Woah... You missed the exit!
363 00:25:20 Aren't we going to Vegas?
364 00:25:22 -Practically.-What do you mean, "practically"?
365 00:25:25 Vegas is oversaturated.I got us something better.
366 00:25:29 You couldn't book me in Vegas.
367 00:25:32 Of course I could.
368 00:25:34 It's your first gig in a long time.
369 00:25:36 Let's stay under the radarwhile you get your chops back.
370 00:25:38 So, where am I playing?
371 00:25:41 It's a little off-Strip.
372 00:25:43 Look at that - practically Vegas.
373 00:25:46 You are out of your mind.
374 00:25:50 Oh, I need some mascara.
375 00:25:53 What?
376 00:25:54 You know, some mascara.
377 00:25:57 Hi there. We're playing the Kickapoo Room.
378 00:26:01 Do I check in here?
379 00:26:03 Kickapoo Room? That's at the Palace,about a mile down the road.
380 00:26:09 -It's about a mile---I heard.
381 00:26:12 It's called paying your dues.
382 00:26:13 [comedian] Am I the only onethat gets a rush of adrenaline
383 00:26:16 when the radio DJ cuts his dismount
384 00:26:19 a little too closeto the song's beginning?
385 00:26:22 "You're listening to 90.1 The Patch
386 00:26:24 and we're havingsuch a smooth time here today."
387 00:26:27 You gotta get out of there, Mike!
388 00:26:29 Tracey Chapman's nipping at your heels,buddy!
389 00:26:33 Show us your tits, sweetie.
390 00:26:36 I went to theater schooland I caught the bug in high school
391 00:26:40 and by "the bug,"I mean narcissistic personality disorder.
392 00:26:42 -But---No, you mean AIDS.
393 00:26:45 Oh, for the love of God!
394 00:26:47 I bet you can fit that microphonein your mouth, boy.
395 00:26:49 -You nervous?-No!
396 00:26:52 What have I got to be nervous about?
397 00:26:55 -Hey, I found mascara.-Oh, that's great!
398 00:26:58 Great!
399 00:27:00 What's it for?
400 00:27:02 I told you - don't ask.
401 00:27:06 I don't think I can connect with you.
402 00:27:08 I think in order to connect,I'd have to unread a lot of things.
403 00:27:12 All right! Well, I'm gonna gowade into a river Virginia Woolf-style.
404 00:27:16 Good luck at your next book burning, sir.Thank you so much.
405 00:27:19 I've been Paula Poundstone.
406 00:27:20 Have a great night and give it upfor your next poor son of a bitch...
407 00:27:23 Buddy Green!
408 00:27:27 It’s not worth it.Just get in your car and keep driving.
409 00:27:49 Thank you.
410 00:27:52 Oh, wow!
411 00:27:55 [Buddy laughs]
412 00:27:57 Okay.
413 00:28:00 Here's the deal.
414 00:28:02 I have not been on a stage in about...
415 00:28:07 50 years.
416 00:28:10 No joke!
417 00:28:13 I used to do this for a living
418 00:28:15 and I just decided to come backand do it for the laughs.
419 00:28:19 No one's laughing!
420 00:28:27 Okay.So, I've been getting into online dating
421 00:28:32 and I actually founda really nice gal online...
422 00:28:39 at the Souplantation.
423 00:28:44 'Cause old people like to eat soup.
424 00:28:47 Ha Ha.
425 00:28:54 I am getting old.
426 00:28:57 [man] So is your act.
427 00:28:58 It was nice of the meth labto let you out to see the show.
428 00:29:05 And, by the way, nice mullet.
429 00:29:09 Who does your hair? NASCAR?
430 00:29:14 All right, I should leave him alone.
431 00:29:17 Poor guy hasn't gotten laidsince he made parole.
432 00:29:20 [audience laughs]
433 00:29:22 And I can talk.I haven't had sex since Watergate.
434 00:29:28 I'm just kidding.
435 00:29:29 My wife loved sex, though.
436 00:29:32 Her favorite positionwas the missionary position.
437 00:29:34 That's where she's in bed, on her back
438 00:29:37 and I'm in Africa.
439 00:29:51 You were a hit!
440 00:29:53 I pummeled at the Palace.
441 00:29:55 I was the Rickles of the reservation.
442 00:29:57 This is great. You know,
443 00:29:59 we're cutting our teethon these little podunk towns,
444 00:30:01 but by the time we get to New York City,
445 00:30:03 you're gonna be in top form.
446 00:30:05 Hey, have you heardfrom Carson's people yet?
447 00:30:08 Buddy, you're two hosts behind.
448 00:30:12 -Fallon.-We're trading calls.
449 00:30:15 It's Vic Lardo.
450 00:30:18 He used to book for Letterman.
451 00:30:20 An old friend. He owes me big-time,you know, so...
452 00:30:25 Anyway, they know the situationand they're interested.
453 00:30:28 Beyond interested.
454 00:30:31 Just trying to figure out the dates.
455 00:30:34 Boy, that would be great.
456 00:30:42 You're a real pothead, aren't you?
457 00:30:44 It's medicine.
458 00:30:46 It helps me relax.
459 00:30:49 So, where in San Diego are we playing?
460 00:30:53 It's a little south of the city.
461 00:30:57 A great club.
462 00:31:01 You call your granddaughter?
463 00:31:04 No, I'll call her tomorrow. I'm tired.
464 00:31:07 You call your son?
465 00:31:09 No, not yet.
466 00:31:12 I'll call him tomorrow. I'm too tired.
467 00:31:17 Hey, Al?
468 00:31:19 Yeah, Buddy?
469 00:31:23 Thanks.
470 00:31:32 It's what I do.
471 00:31:40 [Buddy] You know, I met Arty Wise oncein the Catskills.
472 00:31:44 He gave me a compliment.
473 00:31:46 [Al] He liked your act?
474 00:31:47 No, he liked my suit.
475 00:31:49 He didn't say anything about my act!
476 00:31:52 Oh, man. He was my last client.
477 00:31:56 He retired at the peak of his career.You know, I still get calls for him.
478 00:32:00 Oh, that must have really pissed you offwhen he retired.
479 00:32:04 Ah, not at all, really.
480 00:32:07 You know what your problem is?
481 00:32:09 -Never trust a guy who starts with that.-You are filled with resentment.
482 00:32:15 All built-up--
483 00:32:16 I am being psychoanalyzedby a foot doctor.
484 00:32:19 Like one of those cans of peanut brittlewith the snakes all scrunched up inside.
485 00:32:22 Someone comes upand asks for some peanut brittle,
486 00:32:24 and they open it upand Al snakes everywhere.
487 00:32:28 I don’t knowwhat the fuck you’re talking about.
488 00:32:32 Anyway...
489 00:32:34 you ever notice how old people eat,you know?
490 00:32:36 No.
491 00:32:39 No, wait, it's more like this.
492 00:32:42 That's exactly...That's right. It's like this.
493 00:32:56 Hello!
494 00:33:00 [Buddy] You know,we passed San Diego 20 minutes ago.
495 00:33:04 Where is this club?
496 00:33:06 Just a little south of here.
497 00:33:17 [Buddy] This is Tijuana.
498 00:33:18 [Al] It's a tourist town.
499 00:33:19 -It's Tijuana!-You don't think they have nightclubs?
500 00:33:23 I know they have nightclubs in Tijuana!
501 00:33:25 I saw a broad fuck a burro oncein a nightclub in Tijuana.
502 00:33:29 There's no burro fucking in this,I promise.
503 00:33:33 It's legit, seriously.
504 00:33:34 Legit! Do you read a newspaper?
505 00:33:37 Tijuana is practicallya suburb of San Diego.
506 00:33:41 My son lives in the suburbs, okay?
507 00:33:44 In the suburbs, they have Olive Gardens!
508 00:34:07 Thank you. It's great to be here.
509 00:34:09 [interprets to Spanish]
510 00:34:13 I actually livein the Los Angeles section of Mexico.
511 00:34:26 He got that laugh.I didn't get that laugh. Wait a minute.
512 00:34:31 All right, listen, thank you very much.
513 00:34:33 I think I can do this by myself.
514 00:34:34 Okay? I appreciate it.
515 00:34:41 See? We understand each other.
516 00:34:43 We have a lot in common.
517 00:34:46 I grew up in a bad neighborhood, too.
518 00:34:51 South side of Chicago.Very tough neighborhood.
519 00:34:55 But like Tijuana,
520 00:34:56 it's a really wonderful placeto grow up...
521 00:34:59 if you're a bullet.
522 00:35:02 Things are getting pretty badfor you guys up in the States.
523 00:35:06 I smoke marijuanaand my dealer is Mexican.
524 00:35:10 I called him the other dayand he brought a couple of ounces of weed
525 00:35:13 and I asked him if he had any papersand he ran away!
526 00:35:16 [audience laughs and applauds]
527 00:35:22 You did it again!
528 00:35:24 In Tijuana! Who'd-a-thunk?
529 00:35:26 I know! It's like...
530 00:35:29 Hey, Americans!
531 00:35:31 Hey, where do you goto have a good time in this town?
532 00:35:38 [Al] Don't we get a telephone call?
533 00:35:43 [Al speaking Spanish]
534 00:35:49 We've got a sick man here.
535 00:35:51 How are you doing, Buddy?
536 00:35:53 You never drink the water.Everyone knows that.
537 00:35:58 What?
538 00:35:59 Soborno.
539 00:36:01 What's soborno?
540 00:36:03 Bribe.
541 00:36:05 Nationality?
542 00:36:08 What do you think?
543 00:36:16 [water running]
544 00:36:51 You drink the Pepto?
545 00:36:54 Yeah.
546 00:36:55 That's good.
547 00:36:56 I just need sleep.
548 00:36:58 You'll sleep well tonight in Tucson.
549 00:37:02 You can do it.
550 00:37:06 Okay.
551 00:37:08 -Okay.-Great.
552 00:37:12 Let's ride!
553 00:37:31 [woman] All the way from Los Angeles,
554 00:37:33 let's give a big hand for Buddy Green!
555 00:37:38 [audience cheers]
556 00:37:42 Hi.
557 00:37:44 Well, there go my Asian jokes.
558 00:37:47 But I'm gonna tell you,I don't like ethnic jokes.
559 00:37:50 I really don't. Now, there is a fine line.
560 00:37:52 For instance, when I first came up here,I'll tell you,
561 00:37:55 and I don't think this is racist,
562 00:37:57 when I first came up here,I looked out at you
563 00:37:59 and I got a little hungry.
564 00:38:33 [Al]Vic! Calling you from sunny Tucson.
565 00:38:37 Yeah, beautiful town.
566 00:38:40 Oh, yeah,they’re taking great care of us.
567 00:38:41 Beautiful hotels!
568 00:38:46 Yeah, slowly but surely.
569 00:38:48 We'll be in Chicago by next Friday.
570 00:38:53 Oh, the response has been terrific.
571 00:38:56 Well, I mean, it's a great story.
572 00:38:58 You'd be crazy not to jump on it.
573 00:39:01 Oh, I really appreciate it, Vic.I'm gonna owe you big-time.
574 00:39:06 Oh, so we're looking atabout another ten days on the road.
575 00:39:14 Sure. Are you kidding?Those dates would be perfect.
576 00:39:19 Did you talk to Fallon directly?
577 00:39:22 Oh.
578 00:39:24 No, of course not, yeah.
579 00:39:27 But you told them the whole story,right?
580 00:39:30 Well, they've got to be moved.
581 00:39:34 Yeah. Yes, it's a hell of a story, Vic.
582 00:40:04 -What?-Oh, no!
583 00:40:06 What--
584 00:40:07 Holy shit!
585 00:40:08 What did you do?
586 00:40:09 Doing this stuff again!
587 00:40:13 Oh, God!
588 00:40:14 I... You...
589 00:40:17 It's okay. They're gonna... There he goes.
590 00:40:19 -We're good.-[Buddy groans]
591 00:40:22 You just threw away an ounceof top-shelf indica.
592 00:40:51 Hey!
593 00:40:53 What? What happened?
594 00:40:56 You fell asleep.
595 00:40:59 What time is it?
596 00:41:07 Let me ask you a question.
597 00:41:10 Is it gonna be like thisall the way to New York?
598 00:41:13 Because I need some rest.
599 00:41:15 Okay. We have Lubbock tonight,
600 00:41:17 and then you’ll have the whole dayto rest in Kansas.
601 00:41:19 Ooh, a whole day! Ooh, in Kansas!
602 00:41:23 You know,you've been very irritable since Tijuana.
603 00:41:27 [Buddy] It's one state over!
604 00:41:29 [Al] It's completely out of the way.
605 00:41:31 Now, I can't score weed in Texas.
606 00:41:34 It's a police state.I gotta go to Colorado.
607 00:41:37 Willie Nelson doesn't have a problemscoring in Texas.
608 00:41:39 Willie Nelson gets a day off!
609 00:41:41 Willie Nelson tours all the time.
610 00:41:43 I've got news for you.
611 00:41:44 This is not a tour.
612 00:41:46 This is a death march.
613 00:41:48 -I need my weed, Al.-Okay!
614 00:41:51 I will buy pot for you.
615 00:41:53 I will buy you a brick of Maui Whoopee.
616 00:41:57 Would you just stop eatingthose fucking potato chips?
617 00:42:02 Thank you, Al.
618 00:42:06 [man] All right, ladies and gentlemen.
619 00:42:08 This next comic has got me all excited.
620 00:42:12 So, let's givea great big old Lubbock, Texas welcome
621 00:42:15 for Mr Buddy Greenberg!
622 00:42:19 Show 'em what you got!
623 00:42:22 It's Buddy Green.
624 00:42:25 Drop the "berg."
625 00:42:34 Evening, fellas!
626 00:42:36 You boys from around here?
627 00:42:38 Al Hart, from Los Angeles.
628 00:42:40 Would any of you gentlemen knowwhere I could procure...
629 00:42:43 you know, a small amount of marijuana?
630 00:42:46 [Buddy] The last time that I was in Texas,
631 00:42:49 the men brought their horsesin and left their wives tied up outside.
632 00:43:04 Hey! What's up?
633 00:43:07 How's it hanging?
634 00:43:08 Listen,you look like some pretty cool dudes.
635 00:43:12 I'm just looking to scorea little bit of Mary Jane,
636 00:43:17 you know, some wacky weed.
637 00:43:20 Pot.
638 00:43:21 Well?
639 00:43:23 And stay in school!
640 00:43:25 [Buddy] I think Texas gets a bad rap.
641 00:43:27 I'm always defending Texas.
642 00:43:29 I mean, I don''t think that you guyswould just execute any black person.
643 00:44:04 Did you hear about the cowboywho wore brown paper bags for clothing?
644 00:44:09 He got picked up for rustling.
645 00:44:22 -Maybe this'll cheer you up.-Oww.
646 00:44:25 -What?-Sorry.
647 00:44:27 Are you kidding?
648 00:44:30 Where'd you get this?
649 00:44:33 I got it from a jazz musician.
650 00:44:36 Yeah, right!
651 00:44:39 Thanks.
652 00:44:41 -Thanks, man.-Wait a minute.
653 00:44:43 It's Jeannie.
654 00:44:44 Your granddaughter.
655 00:44:47 -What do I do?-Answer it.
656 00:44:51 Isn't it a little late?
657 00:44:52 It's true. That's true. It's very late.
658 00:44:54 -It's too late to be calling.-What if it's an emergency?
659 00:44:57 You're the only emergency possibleand you're alive.
660 00:44:59 Yep. She can leave a message.
661 00:45:02 Well, I got a good feeling about Kansas.
662 00:45:08 Hey, Buddy... I never asked you.
663 00:45:13 Why did you quit?
664 00:45:17 Well...
665 00:45:19 I had a house in the Hills.
666 00:45:21 I had a swimming pool.I had a brand-new Jaguar every two years.
667 00:45:25 I had a wife, who gave me a son,
668 00:45:28 who gave me three grandchildren.
669 00:45:31 So, what the fuck did I quit?
670 00:46:40 "There were only three things standingbetween me and Yasgur's Farm that summer.
671 00:46:45 Two of those hurdleswere not having a car or money.
672 00:46:49 That wouldn’t stop mefrom seeing Janis Joplin at Woodstock.
673 00:46:53 It was the third obstaclethat was the most difficult.
674 00:46:58 I was 12.
675 00:47:01 So, this girl from Overland Park
676 00:47:03 did what any typical seventh graderwould do.
677 00:47:05 She tried to hitchhike.
678 00:47:07 My thumb was out no more than five minutesbefore the car pulled up,
679 00:47:11 which was a 1965 Buick Special.
680 00:47:15 Coincidentally, the same carthat my father drove,
681 00:47:20 which wasn't really a coincidencebecause it was my father.
682 00:47:26 I never made it to Woodstock
683 00:47:28 and I spent those last days of summerlocked in my bedroom,
684 00:47:32 dreaming of Janis,who would be dead the following year."
685 00:47:38 Well, that's the end of the chapter.
686 00:47:42 Thank you.
687 00:47:52 Oh, thank you!
688 00:48:00 Oh, that's so sweet! Thank you.
689 00:48:19 -Hi.-Hi.
690 00:48:21 -MInd if I...-Please.
691 00:48:29 I liked your reading.
692 00:48:31 Oh, thanks. It's a work in progress,like my life.
693 00:48:36 I'm Al, by the way.Al Hart from Los Angeles.
694 00:48:39 -Doris Lovejoy from---Overland Park?
695 00:48:42 -Yeah!-Lovejoy...
696 00:48:43 Lovejoy - is that your stage name?
697 00:48:46 No. I'm an eighth Pawnee.
698 00:48:47 -Oh, the Pawnee Lovejoys.-Yeah!
699 00:48:51 So, Al Hart from Los Angeles,what brings you to Kansas City?
700 00:48:55 I'm on tour.
701 00:48:57 I knew you were a rock star.
702 00:49:00 More like Elvis's grandfather.
703 00:49:08 Say, I'm not usually this forward.
704 00:49:12 Doris, would you like to have dinnerwith me tomorrow?
705 00:49:15 I don't know, Al. That is just so forward.
706 00:49:18 You're right.
707 00:49:20 How about... just soup?
708 00:49:27 So, do you want my number?
709 00:49:29 You can have more timeto practice your putting
710 00:49:31 with the Potty Putter,the amazing new toilet time golf game
711 00:49:35 that lets you practice your putting...on the potty!
712 00:49:38 Your Potty Puttercomes with its own putting green,
713 00:49:40 made of the same professional carpetfound at miniature golf courses.
714 00:49:44 Now, practice your putting every timeyou take care of your other business.
715 00:49:48 Just aim and shoot the ball into the cup.
716 00:49:51 Just think of all that extra practice,all only 19.99.
717 00:49:56 Let your imagination soarwith a Potty Putter.
718 00:50:00 Don't touch that dial!
719 00:50:02 Coming up next, the champagne soundsof The Lawrence Welk Show.
720 00:50:06 And now, here's your host, Lawrence Welk.
721 00:50:11 [Doris] Arty Wise?
722 00:50:13 I adore him!I used to watch him on Ed Sullivan.
723 00:50:17 I even went to Vegas to see him once.
724 00:50:20 Those are my racist family relics.
725 00:50:24 I painted my family heirlooms.
726 00:50:27 So, what was he like?
727 00:50:30 Arty?
728 00:50:32 He was a mensch.
729 00:50:34 Stayed with me to the end.
730 00:50:44 You've reached Al Hartat Al Hart Management.
731 00:50:46 Please leave a message at the beepand we'll get right back to you.
732 00:50:55 So, what about you?What were you doing back in the day?
733 00:50:58 I was probably booking Pat Henryfor Sinatra at the Fontainebleu.
734 00:51:03 Wow!
735 00:51:04 You are so hip.
736 00:51:07 To be honest, I never even smoked pot.
737 00:51:09 How is that even possible?
738 00:51:11 I don't like to lose control.
739 00:51:14 All right, take a hit. There you go.Oh, wow!
740 00:51:16 That's it, okay. Hold it in.
741 00:51:18 [blows]
742 00:51:20 That was a good hit!
743 00:51:22 I might as well suck on a muffler.
744 00:51:24 One more like thatand you'll be good to go.
745 00:51:28 Here you go.
746 00:51:29 That's good. Wonderful--
747 00:51:32 Oh, my God.I know someone who's gonna love you.
748 00:51:36 [Doris] I was an art teacherbefore I retired.
749 00:51:39 I used to paint, but now I do these.
750 00:51:43 [Al] They're magnificent.
751 00:51:45 Thank you.
752 00:51:47 No, really.
753 00:51:48 These are like... Rodin meets Larry Flynt.
754 00:51:52 [Doris laughs]
755 00:51:54 I just think it's wonderfulthat you guys are doing this.
756 00:51:58 It must be so excitingto be back on the road again.
757 00:52:02 But why did he quitright before Ed Sullivan?
758 00:52:06 You would thinkhe'd want to go out with a bang.
759 00:52:10 That's a good question.
760 00:52:12 I don't know.
761 00:52:13 See what happens when you lose control?
762 00:52:17 Hey, where are you?
763 00:52:20 We're supposed to have dinner.
764 00:52:21 Listen, Buddy,
765 00:52:22 you mind eating on your own tonight?
766 00:52:26 Why? What's going on?
767 00:52:28 It's a long story.
768 00:52:31 I kind of met someone.
769 00:52:33 It's crazy!
770 00:52:35 Hold on.
771 00:52:36 [woman moaning]
772 00:52:39 She came.
773 00:52:40 I'll explain later.
774 00:52:42 Maybe you can just order from room serviceor something. What do you think?
775 00:52:45 Sure. I'll have them send up a filetand a crack pipe.
776 00:53:14 -I'm feeling a little strange, Doris.-Yeah.
777 00:53:20 How y'all doing tonight?
778 00:53:28 [Al] Ah, I'm stuffed.
779 00:53:33 I love barbecue.
780 00:53:35 Look at the stars.
781 00:53:38 Oh, wow!
782 00:53:40 -What are you doing?-Oh.
783 00:53:43 Sometimes in special moments,
784 00:53:46 I just like to feel the ground.You should try it.
785 00:53:52 I never take my shoes off on a first date.
786 00:53:55 Is this a date?
787 00:53:57 I don't know.
788 00:53:59 -Well...-Is it?
789 00:54:00 Whatever it is,it's a pretty special moment.
790 00:54:04 Don't you think?
791 00:54:09 Yeah.
792 00:54:38 That's very nice.
793 00:54:56 Where am I?
794 00:54:57 [audience laughs]
795 00:54:59 Oh, you find that funny?
796 00:55:00 An old man is lostand you find that funny?
797 00:55:08 I discovered him.
798 00:55:11 Twice.
799 00:55:46 [Al and Buddy singing]
800 00:56:00 Okay!
801 00:56:22 So, what's your plan?
802 00:56:25 Or are you winging it?
803 00:56:27 What do you mean?
804 00:56:29 I mean the girl.
805 00:56:31 What are you doing?
806 00:56:33 I don't know.
807 00:56:35 In all my years,I've never picked up a girl on the road.
808 00:56:38 Is she gonna go all the wayto New York with us?
809 00:56:41 Would you mind if she did?
810 00:56:42 I don't mind. It's your life.
811 00:56:45 You see?
812 00:56:46 You do mind.
813 00:56:47 There are just certain thingsI might have wanted to talk to you about--
814 00:56:50 What certain things?
815 00:56:52 Stuff to... talk about.
816 00:56:55 So, we talk.
817 00:56:58 Forget it. To hell with me!
818 00:57:00 Okay, Slim Jims, Cheetos,pork rinds, cookies!
819 00:57:06 Hello.
820 00:57:08 Hi!
821 00:57:11 Hi!
822 00:57:32 That's the Palmer House.
823 00:57:33 I booked you in the Empire Room.
824 00:57:35 -Remember you were opening for Al Hirt?-Bobby Hackett.
825 00:57:37 Bullshit!
826 00:57:42 Mister Kelly's was right there.
827 00:57:44 You played on a billwith Barbra Streisand.
828 00:57:46 She was probably 19 years old.
829 00:57:47 I tried to bang her.
830 00:57:49 Back there, that was the Gate of Horn.You opened for Peter, Paul and Mary there.
831 00:57:52 The Kingston Trio.
832 00:57:54 [Al] All those great clubs - gone.
833 00:57:57 Where the hell do people go now?
834 00:58:31 -What are you doing?-I don't know.
835 00:58:33 Why aren't you in there with her?
836 00:58:36 I don't know.
837 00:58:37 -Isn't that the point?-We never discussed it.
838 00:58:40 I'm out of practice,I don't know what I'm doing.
839 00:58:42 Isn't it obvious that she wants you
840 00:58:44 -to spend the night with her?-You don't know that.
841 00:58:46 Well, why the hell else would she be here?
842 00:58:49 -I don't want to be presumptious, okay?-Oh, God!
843 00:58:52 You are so nuts!
844 00:58:53 Hey, guys,you want to keep it down out here?
845 00:58:56 -What's going on?-Don't worry, get back in the room.
846 00:58:58 You think you're hot shit'cause you're in Jerry Springer!
847 00:59:01 -Loser!-What if she says no?
848 00:59:04 I can't take the rejection.
849 00:59:06 Then you can spend the nightin here with me.
850 00:59:08 You ask her.
851 00:59:09 Just ask her where I'm sleeping,that's all.
852 00:59:12 Don't-- Hey, no.
853 00:59:13 I'm sorry, I don't want to know.
854 00:59:17 Look, Al...
855 00:59:19 she's a free love hippie spiritwho went to Woodstock.
856 00:59:24 If you don't go in there, I will.
857 00:59:31 I gotta take this.
858 00:59:35 Vic! How are you?
859 00:59:37 I've been waiting for your call.
860 00:59:39 [laughs]
861 00:59:41 Yeah. So, what's the latest?
862 00:59:59 [Doris] I'm so sorry.
863 01:00:02 [Al] Who am I kidding?
864 01:00:03 You can't just get somebodyon The Tonight Show.
865 01:00:07 Well,look at all that you've accomplished.
866 01:00:10 I would say you've been a great success.
867 01:00:16 I think it's wonderfulthat you're doing what you love,
868 01:00:18 but what aboutwhen you can't do it anymore?
869 01:00:28 I will never play canasta!
870 01:00:31 I will not take the short busto the mall ever again!
871 01:00:37 All I know how to do is work.
872 01:00:41 I don't know who I am without it.
873 01:00:49 You know what I do when I havea really hard decision to make?
874 01:00:54 Mushrooms.
875 01:00:55 Shrooms?
876 01:00:57 Jesus Christ! I'm falling for a pusher.
877 01:01:00 It's a beautiful night, Al,
878 01:01:02 and only good things happenwhen we let go.
879 01:01:07 Uh... Okay.
880 01:01:38 [Buddy] I am thinking about a song.
881 01:01:43 What?
882 01:01:45 I'm thinking aboutbringing a song into the act.
883 01:01:47 I think it will be a great thingfor The Tonight Show.
884 01:01:51 I don't like it.
885 01:01:52 -Why not?-I don't like when comedians sing.
886 01:01:56 I hate musicals.
887 01:01:57 When somebody just breaks out into songfor no damn reason...
888 01:02:00 [Al sings a note]
889 01:02:02 That makes me sad.
890 01:02:04 I love musicals.
891 01:02:06 How are you feeling, Buddy?
892 01:02:08 Like a chaperone on prom night.
893 01:02:15 Oh, my gosh, look at you guys!
894 01:02:18 Wow, what an entrance!
895 01:02:20 Hey, Jimbo!
896 01:02:21 Al Hart. How are you?
897 01:02:23 Never better, man.I want you to meet somebody.
898 01:02:27 Buddy Green.
899 01:02:30 -Wow, what an honor!-Oh, thank you.
900 01:02:32 I heard you took a few years off,like your entire career?
901 01:02:35 [laughs] Yeah, a few.
902 01:02:37 You look fantastic, Jimbo.Did you lose weight?
903 01:02:39 -I put on 75 pounds.-Oh, that's what I mean.
904 01:02:41 You look good for a fat guy.Your clothes are very stylish, though.
905 01:02:44 -I bought these at Goodwill.-Stylish in 1985.
906 01:02:46 How's your beautiful wife?
907 01:02:47 She left me two years ago.
908 01:02:49 Ah, good riddance.
909 01:02:50 -Never liked her.-Hey!
910 01:02:51 Are you stealing my bit?
911 01:02:53 Wait a minute. The Agents is your bit?I thought it was Al's.
912 01:02:55 Al wouldn't know funny if it blew him.
913 01:02:57 I think he's hilarious.
914 01:02:59 For a manager, but as a manager...
915 01:03:02 He booked you here.
916 01:03:03 He drove us here.
917 01:03:04 -He's a terrible driver.-He drove from LA!
918 01:03:06 Like a pilot.
919 01:03:09 -All right.-Jimbo, I want you to meet Doris.
920 01:03:11 Doris, Jimbo.
921 01:03:13 I'm the mascot!
922 01:03:14 Look at you. You're beautiful!You're a two knuckler.
923 01:03:20 What's a two knuckler?
924 01:03:22 [all laugh]
925 01:03:23 All right, here,let me show you your dressing room.
926 01:03:26 -Come on. We'll be back out soon.-Yeah, we'll be right in.
927 01:03:29 I'm starting to feel a little tingly.
928 01:03:32 God, you look good!That's a beautiful dress.
929 01:03:37 I don't know, I feel...
930 01:03:39 Look at the colors, even at night!
931 01:03:43 It's good.
932 01:03:45 I feel footloose and fancy free.
933 01:03:50 Grandpa!
934 01:03:57 How strong is this shit?
935 01:03:59 I don't think you're hallucinating yet.
936 01:04:01 -Hey!-Jeannie!
937 01:04:02 Hi!
938 01:04:03 What are you doing here?
939 01:04:05 -This is Charlie Green. It's Buddy's son.-Hi.
940 01:04:10 Is this real?
941 01:04:12 -This is Charlie Green?-Yeah.
942 01:04:13 This is real?
943 01:04:16 I remember youwhen you were just a small girl.
944 01:04:20 I'm kidding you, Charlie.Your dad talks about you a lot.
945 01:04:23 Is he okay?
946 01:04:24 He's in top form.
947 01:04:26 He just went in if you want to,you know...
948 01:04:30 -Okay, I'm gonna go in.-Okay.
949 01:04:31 -Excuse me, my dad is inside.-Okay.
950 01:04:33 You've grown into a fine young man,Charlie.
951 01:04:38 Okay. All right.
952 01:04:39 A little uptight, huh?
953 01:04:41 He's upset. You never called.
954 01:04:44 -I didn't call?-You know you didn't call.
955 01:04:46 -I could have sworn we just talked.-Grandpa!
956 01:04:48 I've heard so many lovely thingsabout you.
957 01:04:50 Oh, thank you.
958 01:04:53 -I'm sorry, who are you?-I'm Doris.
959 01:04:56 I met Doris in Kansas.
960 01:04:58 Not bad, huh?
961 01:05:00 Grandpa's still got game.
962 01:05:02 Grandpa...
963 01:05:04 Can we talk for a sec?
964 01:05:05 Sure, you two talk.I'm gonna go pet the horse.
965 01:05:09 Okay.
966 01:05:10 His name is Lincoln, as in Abraham.
967 01:05:13 No relation.
968 01:05:15 It's really good to see you, kid.
969 01:05:19 It's good to see you, Dad.
970 01:05:22 But what the hell are you doing?
971 01:05:24 I'm on tour.
972 01:05:27 Since when does my father,
973 01:05:29 Dr Edward Green, podiatrist, go on tour?
974 01:05:34 You know, nobody ever asked their parents:
975 01:05:36 "What did you dobefore you were a parent?"
976 01:05:41 This is what I did, Charlie.
977 01:05:43 I do not understand.
978 01:05:46 I was a comic.
979 01:05:48 And I could have been maybe big,maybe not.
980 01:05:52 But I didn't stick around long enoughto find out.
981 01:05:56 What the fuck are you talking about?
982 01:05:58 Are you losing your mind, too?
983 01:06:01 I had a cousin, Murray.
984 01:06:03 He left his wife and kids and he movedin with a man named Little Leo.
985 01:06:09 Nobody ever asked Murray, "What did you dobefore you were a parent?"
986 01:06:15 Are you gay, too, Dad?
987 01:06:18 No.
988 01:06:20 I'm a closeted comedian.
989 01:06:23 [Al] That life isn't for me, sweetheart.
990 01:06:26 I felt like an inmate.
991 01:06:27 So, you drag Buddy into this?
992 01:06:29 I didn't drag him anywhere. He came.
993 01:06:31 This was his idea.
994 01:06:33 Maybe I put the idea in his head,but it was his decision.
995 01:06:37 He shouldn’t be exerting himself.
996 01:06:39 Exerting? The guy was humping every nightback at the home!
997 01:06:42 Lucky bastard!
998 01:06:44 Okay. Grandpa, this is dangerous!
999 01:06:46 How is it dangerous?I mean, he’s in better shape than me.
1000 01:06:51 You don't know, do you?
1001 01:06:55 Why are you so upset? Why?
1002 01:06:57 Really?None of this makes any sense to you?
1003 01:07:00 Okay, hey!
1004 01:07:01 You were missing. Vanished.
1005 01:07:04 And now I find you living some secret lifeas Rodney Dangerfield,
1006 01:07:08 and I'm just supposed to be thrilledthat you suddenly found yourself at 80?
1007 01:07:12 Yes.
1008 01:07:14 Charlie, I know what I’m doing
1009 01:07:17 I'm a grown man.
1010 01:07:21 You're also a sick man.
1011 01:07:23 Why do you even bring that up?What does that have to do with anything?
1012 01:07:27 I feel fine.
1013 01:07:32 Oh, my God...
1014 01:07:35 It's pancreatic.
1015 01:07:37 Oh, Jesus!
1016 01:07:39 That's... the worst kind. I...
1017 01:07:43 Charlie thinksthat this trip could kill him.
1018 01:07:46 I don’t knowhow to process this right now.
1019 01:07:49 Grandpa, are you all right?
1020 01:07:52 Here. Are you Okay?
1021 01:07:54 It's just the shrooms.
1022 01:07:56 How bad is he?
1023 01:07:58 It's terminal.
1024 01:08:00 What do you mean, "shrooms"?
1025 01:08:09 When I was a kid, my friends always usedto want to eat dinner at our house.
1026 01:08:16 I couldn’t understand itbecause Mom wasn’t that great a cook.
1027 01:08:22 But almost every day,
1028 01:08:23 someone would ask, “Hey, Charlie,can I come over for dinner?”
1029 01:08:27 For a second, I thought I was popular.
1030 01:08:31 You cracked those kids up.
1031 01:08:33 You were alwaysthe funniest dad in the world.
1032 01:08:36 You didn't give up a career.
1033 01:08:38 You just... found a different audience.
1034 01:08:42 I want my kids to have that experiencewhile they can.
1035 01:08:45 They deserve to laugh like that.
1036 01:08:47 They haven't heard them all yet.
1037 01:08:58 Hey...
1038 01:09:02 Oh, Jesus, come on!
1039 01:09:05 Don't be so dramatic.
1040 01:09:07 What am I supposed to do?
1041 01:09:12 Charlie, I've had a great life.
1042 01:09:16 I didn't live it exactly the wayI thought I would,
1043 01:09:20 but at least let me die the way I want.
1044 01:09:28 I should have known.All that pot he smokes...
1045 01:09:31 He calls it his medicine.
1046 01:09:34 Al, he’s all settled.I’m gonna get you to the table.
1047 01:09:37 Mascot?
1048 01:09:40 How's everybody doing?
1049 01:09:42 He's making a comeback, actually,after 50 years.
1050 01:09:46 50. That's 5-0, folks.
1051 01:09:49 I am serious as a heart attack.I hope he doesn't have one.
1052 01:09:54 Ladies and gentlemen,welcome to the stage
1053 01:09:57 Buddy Green!
1054 01:10:10 I love you.
1055 01:10:13 Okay, here's the deal.
1056 01:10:15 [Al thinking] You are out of your mind.
1057 01:10:20 ♪When the day turns to night♪
1058 01:10:25 ♪And the sun is out of sight♪
1059 01:10:29 ♪And the moon...♪
1060 01:10:30 Is he singing?
1061 01:10:32 No.
1062 01:10:33 Now, you're hallucinating.
1063 01:10:39 ♪When the band begins to play♪
1064 01:10:44 ♪And the crowd starts to sway♪
1065 01:10:49 ♪My nerves never fray♪
1066 01:10:52 ♪I've found my ray♪
1067 01:10:55 ♪Of light...♪
1068 01:10:58 Are you seeing this?
1069 01:11:00 No.
1070 01:11:02 ♪But clouds always scatter♪
1071 01:11:05 ♪And we know that's true♪
1072 01:11:11 ♪When the footlights are hot♪
1073 01:11:16 ♪But the audience is not♪
1074 01:11:20 ♪My stomach's not in knots♪
1075 01:11:23 ♪I've found my spot♪
1076 01:11:28 ♪'Cause life will bite♪
1077 01:11:32 ♪Don't fight or flight♪
1078 01:11:34 ♪Just find♪
1079 01:11:37 ♪Your light♪
1080 01:11:42 [audience cheers]
1081 01:12:13 Mr Sullivan? Ed?
1082 01:12:15 Grandpa, where are you going?
1083 01:12:17 Hey, Al,thanks for making my dad so happy.
1084 01:12:21 Hey, Buddy!
1085 01:12:22 ♪You've worked hard♪
1086 01:12:23 ♪That's a fact♪
1087 01:12:26 ♪Now, it's time to relax♪
1088 01:12:41 [train whistle blows]
1089 01:12:43 Do you know what you need, Al?We need to go dancing.
1090 01:13:50 ♪When life pulls a gun♪
1091 01:13:54 ♪And it stops being fun♪
1092 01:13:58 ♪And the world weighs a ton♪
1093 01:14:02 ♪Find the sun♪
1094 01:14:07 ♪When a girl meets a guy♪
1095 01:14:12 ♪Who are we to ask why?♪
1096 01:14:16 ♪If we jump, we can fly♪
1097 01:14:21 ♪And I'm sky high♪
1098 01:14:26 ♪Life is about the things we don't know♪
1099 01:14:30 ♪Look what can happen when you go♪
1100 01:14:36 ♪Go, go, go♪
1101 01:14:41 ♪When you give up the fight♪
1102 01:14:46 ♪And you exit stage right♪
1103 01:14:51 ♪When you're all dressed in white♪
1104 01:14:55 ♪It's all right♪
1105 01:15:00 ♪You paid your debts♪
1106 01:15:02 ♪There's no regrets♪
1107 01:15:05 ♪From the lowest low to the highest high♪
1108 01:15:14 ♪Just hold on tight♪
1109 01:15:18 ♪And find your light♪
1110 01:15:26 ♪Find your light♪
1111 01:15:31 ♪Find your light♪
1112 01:15:55 [door closes]
1113 01:16:03 "Dear Al, I suck at goodbyes.
1114 01:16:09 That was the best night I've had in years.
1115 01:16:13 You're amazing,
1116 01:16:14 but you and Buddy can usesome space right now.
1117 01:16:19 Remember to take your shoesoff and feel the ground sometimes.
1118 01:16:24 Love, Doris."
1119 01:16:32 Ah.
1120 01:16:33 Where did you disappear to last night?
1121 01:16:36 The best show I ever gavein my whole life.
1122 01:16:42 Where did you find it?I thought I lost it.
1123 01:16:45 And wait a minute...
1124 01:16:47 have you seen this?
1125 01:16:50 Second page of the entertainment section.
1126 01:16:52 Fallon's people will love this.
1127 01:16:55 If we hit the road now,we can make Youngstown by dinner.
1128 01:16:58 -We can make New York by lunch---It's not happening.
1129 01:17:02 What?
1130 01:17:04 Vic didn't come through. I'm sorry.
1131 01:17:08 Look, we did it.We played all the way to Chicago.
1132 01:17:11 Let's go back and celebrate.
1133 01:17:14 What the fuck is this?
1134 01:17:15 Do you think that I give a shitabout The Tonight Show?
1135 01:17:21 That was your idea, anyway!
1136 01:17:24 I'm going to New York!
1137 01:17:25 It's finished, Buddy.
1138 01:17:28 It's time to... you know, retire.
1139 01:17:38 You drag me through the dregsof third-rate nightclubs
1140 01:17:43 so I can shit my guts out,
1141 01:17:45 almost get lynched in Lubbockwith that kooky broad
1142 01:17:49 and now you're telling me...that I've got to quit?
1143 01:17:55 -Maybe that is why Max Becker fired you.-That's bullshit.
1144 01:17:59 Maybe that is whyMax Becker is doing the Colbert show
1145 01:18:02 and you are trying to drag meback to that fucking home.
1146 01:18:06 That's bullshit and you know it!
1147 01:18:08 Becker's playing Colbert. Well, fuck him.And fuck you.
1148 01:18:11 Fuck me?
1149 01:18:13 You're the one who's quitting.
1150 01:18:15 Oh, really?You want to talk about quitting?
1151 01:18:17 You fucked me over, Buddy.
1152 01:18:19 -Oh, here we go.-You almost killed my career.
1153 01:18:22 You let me holding my dick,just like Arty.
1154 01:18:24 -I should have anticipated this.-Just like Becker.
1155 01:18:27 -You all quit on me, Buddy.-[Buddy mumbles]
1156 01:18:29 My whole life, I never quit on one soul.
1157 01:18:32 Until now.
1158 01:18:38 [Al sighs]
1159 01:18:42 I know you're sick, Buddy.
1160 01:18:44 Jeannie told me, yeah.
1161 01:18:48 Motherfucker...
1162 01:18:51 Why didn't you tell me?
1163 01:18:54 I was gonna tell you after Kansas.
1164 01:18:58 But that's whenyou brought the girl along.
1165 01:19:00 Christ, sucking...
1166 01:19:03 terminal goddamn pancreatic bullshit.
1167 01:19:07 I...
1168 01:19:11 I could have... two more monthsor maybe a year.
1169 01:19:18 Fucking doctors can't make up their minds.
1170 01:19:20 It's like the guy whose doctor tells him,"You've got six months to live."
1171 01:19:26 And the guy says, "I can't pay the bill."
1172 01:19:31 And the doctor says,"Okay, I'll give you another six months."
1173 01:19:38 I don't regret the choices I've made, Al.
1174 01:19:42 But...
1175 01:19:44 If we quit now...
1176 01:19:47 that will be the only thing...
1177 01:19:51 this dying man will truly regret.
1178 01:20:00 Way to fucking milk that disease!
1179 01:20:11 Hold it!
1180 01:20:12 Oh, shit!
1181 01:20:14 -Shit?-Shit!
1182 01:20:16 -Shit.-We're not stopping you.
1183 01:20:17 We're going with you.
1184 01:20:19 No shit?
1185 01:20:19 -No shit!-Shotgun!
1186 01:20:22 ♪I'll show you around♪
1187 01:20:23 ♪I love it♪
1188 01:20:24 ♪Bet your bottom dollarYou'll lose your blues♪
1189 01:20:27 ♪In Chicago♪
1190 01:20:28 ♪Chicago♪
1191 01:20:30 ♪The townThat Billy Sunday could not shut down...♪
1192 01:20:33 -Who's Billy Sunday?-Some asshole.
1193 01:20:35 -♪Boys and girls together♪-Yeah.
1194 01:20:38 ♪Me and Mamie O'Rourke♪
1195 01:20:41 ♪We tripped the light fantastic♪
1196 01:20:44 ♪On the sidewalks of New York...♪
1197 01:21:29 [Max]It's instant.
1198 01:21:30 I don't have a coffee maker.I don't like clutter.
1199 01:21:34 That's a touching story, Al.
1200 01:21:37 I really feel for the guy.
1201 01:21:39 He should have a shot.
1202 01:21:41 Especially at the Ed Sullivan Theater.
1203 01:21:43 That would be... poetic and satisfying,I'm sure.
1204 01:21:52 But not in my slot!
1205 01:21:58 You got a lot of years ahead of you, Max.
1206 01:22:01 Not to mention...
1207 01:22:02 and I'm not trying to play the guilt card,but you kind of owe me one.
1208 01:22:07 I'm sorry, refresh my memory.
1209 01:22:08 Did you not get your 10%?
1210 01:22:11 Is there some outstanding balanceI don't know about?
1211 01:22:14 You know what I'm talking about.
1212 01:22:16 police [sirens ring]
1213 01:22:18 -That was---Look, Max,
1214 01:22:20 I didn't come here looking for an apologyor a handout.
1215 01:22:24 I came to appeal... to you...as a human being.
1216 01:22:30 I'm not a human being. I'm a comedian!
1217 01:22:32 A comedianwith serious fucking money troubles!
1218 01:22:36 Look, do I feel bad that I left you?
1219 01:22:38 Sure.Likewise, I feel bad for your friend.
1220 01:22:41 But...
1221 01:22:43 But too fucking bad!
1222 01:22:46 I got two mortgages I can't afford,I got two ex-wives,
1223 01:22:50 who are fucking seriousbloodsucking vampires
1224 01:22:55 and a kid who's in rehabfor the second time.
1225 01:22:58 I get on Colbert and my quote skyrockets.
1226 01:23:02 My profile rises.
1227 01:23:05 The offers come in.
1228 01:23:07 I'm making money again.
1229 01:23:10 I'm sorry your friend's gonna die,but he had his shot.
1230 01:23:13 I need this, Al,because my life depends on it.
1231 01:23:17 [car horns honk]
1232 01:23:21 What do you want?
1233 01:23:24 Huh?
1234 01:23:25 How much do you want for your slot?
1235 01:23:29 Are you bribing me?
1236 01:23:32 I call it a soborno.
1237 01:23:34 So, tell me... how much do you need?
1238 01:23:41 I think you should go.
1239 01:23:55 The first comic I ever bookedgot paid 50 bucks.
1240 01:24:01 My take was $5.
1241 01:24:04 That was in 1963.
1242 01:24:07 And that $5 is still sitting at the bottomof a big, fat, useless bank account
1243 01:24:14 with a million more fivesthat never bought me a scrap of joy
1244 01:24:19 without the ability to earn it.
1245 01:24:22 You see, I'm one of those guyswho didn't work to live.
1246 01:24:26 I live to work.
1247 01:24:29 I live to work.
1248 01:24:31 [sighs] But now...
1249 01:24:32 Now, I don't work.
1250 01:24:35 Which means I haveto figure out how to live.
1251 01:24:39 So, I don't havea fucking life right now, Max.
1252 01:24:43 But I need one.
1253 01:24:46 And you're gonna give it to me.
1254 01:24:49 So, I'll ask one more time.
1255 01:24:52 How much do you needto let us have your slot?
1256 01:24:58 [announcer] It's The Late Showwith Stephen Colbert.
1257 01:25:02 Tonight, Ryan Reynolds.
1258 01:25:05 Plus, Stephen welcomes Bernadette Petersand comedian Max Becker.
1259 01:25:11 Live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theaterin New York City, it's...
1260 01:25:16 How you feeling, Mr Green?
1261 01:25:19 Could you turn that thing off?
1262 01:25:32 You're good.
1263 01:25:47 You look great.
1264 01:25:49 I look like shit.
1265 01:25:51 A big, steaming pile of it.
1266 01:25:54 -But your tuxedo---My tuxedo's older than me.
1267 01:25:59 At least you have an act.
1268 01:26:00 I don't have an act.
1269 01:26:02 Yeah, you don't.That's 'cause you're senile.
1270 01:26:04 [Ryan] This man right here is a liar.
1271 01:26:06 [Stephen] Ryan Reynolds, everybody.
1272 01:26:08 [audience cheers]
1273 01:26:24 You did this, Al.
1274 01:26:27 Nah.
1275 01:26:28 It was all Max.
1276 01:26:33 Remember this?
1277 01:26:37 -Yeah.-Go get 'em!
1278 01:26:39 [audience cheers]
1279 01:26:43 [Ryan] It's Tuesday.
1280 01:26:44 [Stephen] It's Thursday!
1281 01:26:46 How dare you, Ryan!
1282 01:26:48 Hey, Buddy!
1283 01:26:50 Knock 'em dead!
1284 01:26:56 Hey...
1285 01:26:57 what happened to your shoes?
1286 01:26:59 Long story.
1287 01:27:01 [Stephen] Ryan Reynolds, everybody!
1288 01:27:03 [audience cheers]
1289 01:27:10 This a crazy story, folks.
1290 01:27:12 Fifty years ago, a comic was given a shoton The Ed Sullivan Show
1291 01:27:17 in this very theater, but for some reason,it never happened.
1292 01:27:23 When I heard that he wanted to come back
1293 01:27:27 and give it a go againafter all that time,
1294 01:27:31 I was so moved
1295 01:27:34 that I feltthat I had to help make this happen.
1296 01:27:39 And so, ladies and gentlemen,
1297 01:27:41 welcome to the stage,the great Buddy Green!
1298 01:27:45 [audience cheers]
1299 01:27:52 [trumpets play]
1300 01:28:10 [audience member whistles]
1301 01:28:19 [Buddy] Thank you.
1302 01:28:21 Thank you.
1303 01:28:23 You're very kind.
1304 01:28:25 I want you to knowthis is my first comeback
1305 01:28:28 without someone yelling, "Clear!"
1306 01:28:35 I've been performingfor the last couple of weeks,
1307 01:28:37 you know, cutting my teethin clubs all across the country
1308 01:28:42 and I did a little TV, too.
1309 01:28:44 You may recognize mefrom America's Got Dentures.
1310 01:28:49 See, that's a cheap joke.
1311 01:28:50 I used to tell a lot of cheap jokes,but I am done.
1312 01:28:54 I'm done with cheap jokes.
1313 01:28:55 Jokes are easy. People email jokes
1314 01:28:59 and if you have a relative of my age,you know exactly what I'm talking about
1315 01:29:02 because there is nothing more dangerousthan an old man attached to the internet.
1316 01:29:09 We know just enough to typethe word "funny" with one finger...
1317 01:29:16 My manager wouldn't have done this for me.
1318 01:29:19 I'm not taking any new clients right now.
1319 01:29:26 [Buddy] My idea of a remote control
1320 01:29:27 is telling my grandsonto change the channel.
1321 01:29:30 [audience laughs]
1322 01:29:32 And I don't like making fun of old people.
1323 01:29:34 Growing old is serious business.
1324 01:29:37 [audience laughs]
1325 01:29:38 That's why we're angry all the time.
1326 01:29:41 And what we're really angry at is timeand you can't get angry at time,
1327 01:29:46 so we take it out on waiters and childrenand people who love us.
1328 01:29:50 Did you ever see an old personin a restaurant not send the meal back?
1329 01:29:56 "Give me a perfect frigging meal.I am about to die."
1330 01:30:02 So, that's why I don't tell jokes anymore.
1331 01:30:05 It's a waste of time.
1332 01:30:08 Life is a big enough joke.
1333 01:30:33 And that's why we need funny people.
1334 01:30:36 Not just on TV, but at work, at home...
1335 01:30:41 at the doctor's office.
1336 01:30:44 It took me 50 years to figure that outand I still can't use the remote.
1337 01:30:50 One more thing.Ed Sullivan - if you're watching,
1338 01:30:54 I'm sorry I'm late.
1339 01:30:56 I'll see you soon.
1340 01:31:41 [Sunshine] Gentlemen, I am well awareof the unpleasant news
1341 01:31:45 that I've brought you in the past.
1342 01:31:46 But I tell you something.Nothing - and I mean nothing -
1343 01:31:50 could prepare me for this one.
1344 01:31:51 Did you hear about Al?
1345 01:31:56 Apparently, he lost everything.
1346 01:32:00 Forced to move intosome old folks' home in the Midwest.
1347 01:32:03 Can you imagine being sentto a place like that?
1348 01:32:12 If I could stand up,
1349 01:32:14 I'd hang myself.
