动作巨星2 Die Hart: Die Harter(2024)(EN)Subtitles

SRT Subtitles download

Color: Size:1416 18202224 26283040 LightfaceBold StandardItalic

ASS Custom style subtitle

Subtitle Preview：
1 00:00:02 [instrumental music]
2 00:00:29 [Curtis Mayfieldsinging "Move On Up"]
3 00:00:43 ♪ Hush now child... ♪
4 00:00:46 [Kevin] I mean, I'm 30,000 feetin the air, right?
5 00:00:48 They're saying, Kevin,come on, please.
6 00:00:50 Kev, you got to puton the parachute.
7 00:00:51 Everybody's going,please, please, Kev.
8 00:00:52 At this point,they're begging me.
9 00:00:54 Tell me thatthe story ends
10 00:00:56 with you wearing the parachute.
11 00:00:57 Absolutely fucking not, no! No!
12 00:01:01 No, I wanted to be authentic.Right?
13 00:01:02 - It's got to be real.- Yeah.
14 00:01:04 You know what Tom Cruisecalls parachutes? Diapers.
15 00:01:06 Is that because they fill upwhen you're falling?
16 00:01:08 No. Tom told me, he said, Kevin,they put me in a parachute,
17 00:01:11 they might as well put a diaperon me and send me to pasture.
18 00:01:13 Look, Kevin... you know,
19 00:01:16 based on the successof the first one,
20 00:01:18 we see massive franchisepotential with The Jefferson's.
21 00:01:21 And you know, your agent justkeeps saying that you might
22 00:01:23 be waffling on doing a sequel.
23 00:01:25 And I'm just here to ask,is it about the money?
24 00:01:27 Look, Deb, The Jefferson'sis amazing, right?
25 00:01:30 We did amazing work there.
26 00:01:31 But I'll be honest,when I walk on that set,
27 00:01:33 I feel like I'm being babysat.
28 00:01:35 I mean, they give megoddamn stunt coordinators.
29 00:01:38 I have-- I have stage managers,uh, wires, green screens.
30 00:01:42 Yes, a-- and somehow,you still manage to jump out
31 00:01:45 of an airplane without a chute.
32 00:01:47 I wasn't telling the truthwhen I told you that,
33 00:01:49 but I forgot to say I was lying.
34 00:01:51 So let's take a pause, right?
35 00:01:52 Put a pin in that,so you understand
36 00:01:54 that wasn't the truth.I had to make that up.
37 00:01:56 I was pretending.
38 00:01:57 But you know whyI got to pretend?
39 00:01:59 Because I'm not areal action star, Deb.
40 00:02:01 Kevin, you took a sitcomabout a dry cleaner,
41 00:02:03 and you turned him intomotherfucking Jason Bourne.
42 00:02:06 Okay? You area real action star.
43 00:02:08 - No, not yet.- Not yet?
44 00:02:11 No. But I will be.
45 00:02:14 When you fund my next project.
46 00:02:17 Okay.
47 00:02:18 Deb, now, look, whatI'm about to tell you is going
48 00:02:20 to seem crazy at first,but I promise you,
49 00:02:21 if you give it a chance,you'll get it.
50 00:02:23 - Close your eyes.- Okay.
51 00:02:25 Deb, I want you to pictureyourself going up a mountain.
52 00:02:28 [glass breaking]
53 00:02:30 [guests screaming]
54 00:02:32 [Man 1] On the ground!Let's go!
55 00:02:34 [grunts]
56 00:02:35 Alright, you rich assholes!
57 00:02:37 [gunfire]
58 00:02:39 Wallets, Rolexes, jewelry!
59 00:02:42 All your fancy shit!
60 00:02:43 - What is taking so long?- Put it in the bag!
61 00:02:45 Let's go!
62 00:02:46 [whispering]Just stay calm. Stay calm.
63 00:02:48 [Man 2] Everything shiny!Let's go!
64 00:02:50 [gunfire]
65 00:02:51 Get it in the bag!Let's go!
66 00:02:52 [whispering]They're coming this way.
67 00:02:54 I don't have all day here!
68 00:02:56 [whispering] Shit, shit!Shit, shit, shit!
69 00:03:00 Trying to hide, little man?
70 00:03:04 The fuck did you just call me?
71 00:03:07 Bet you got a big walletfor such a little man.
72 00:03:10 Now, put it in the bag!
73 00:03:14 You want my wallet? Huh?
74 00:03:16 Get back. I got this.
75 00:03:18 [whispering]You got what?
76 00:03:21 - I want your gun!- Shit!
77 00:03:23 You believethis fucking clown?
78 00:03:25 [grunting]
79 00:03:28 Give me your gun!
80 00:03:32 [gasps]
81 00:03:33 Whoa.
82 00:03:36 You're just going to bethe first man in history
83 00:03:38 to shoot somebodywith a safety on?
84 00:03:39 - What?- Huh?
85 00:03:41 [grunting]
86 00:03:51 I don't like guns.
87 00:03:52 Oh, shit!
88 00:03:54 [groans]
89 00:03:55 - Not enough.- God damn it.
90 00:03:57 Shit.
91 00:04:01 [yells]
92 00:04:12 Nice to beef you, motherfucker.
93 00:04:15 [applause]
94 00:04:21 Hey, it's not about me.It's about you.
95 00:04:25 I'm glad everybody's safe.
96 00:04:27 It's a crazy worldthat we're living in.
97 00:04:28 - A lot of nut jobs out here.- Oh, Kevin!
98 00:04:31 Kevin?What just happened?
99 00:04:35 Real goddamn action!
100 00:04:38 That's what just happened.
101 00:04:39 - Okay.- Real fucking action.
102 00:04:41 That's the adrenalinethat I want audiences
103 00:04:43 across the globe to feel, Deb.
104 00:04:45 This-- this was all staged?
105 00:04:47 Yeah! All of it.They're actors.
106 00:04:49 I just wanted to give youa little taste of what
107 00:04:51 our movie was about, right?
108 00:04:52 This is the movie thatwe're going to make.
109 00:04:54 So what I did was,I brought an outline, right?
110 00:04:56 A little rough outlineto give you a little idea
111 00:04:58 about what we're going to do.
112 00:04:59 - Oh, boy.- Right?
113 00:05:01 The world of our movie lives
114 00:05:03 in improvised action.
115 00:05:05 It's spontaneous ass-whoopins.That's what this is about.
116 00:05:08 That guy spontaneouslyhit you with a gun.
117 00:05:10 [Kevin] You're talkingabout Larry?
118 00:05:11 Larry! Hey!You got me good.
119 00:05:13 - I'm gonna feel that one.- Yeah, you are.
120 00:05:15 You goddamn right.[chuckling] Fucking Larry.
121 00:05:18 You're not well.Oh, no, you're not well.
122 00:05:20 [Kevin] This is about megetting a respect
123 00:05:21 that I deserveas an action star, Deb!
124 00:05:24 [Deb chuckles]
125 00:05:27 What is it thatyou want me to say here?
126 00:05:29 [Kevin] What do Iwant you to say?
127 00:05:30 Deb, I want you to say,I'll do it!
128 00:05:34 My answer is no. Never.
129 00:05:36 This is never going to happen,
130 00:05:38 not at my studioor anyone else's. No.
131 00:05:39 [Kevin] Please?- No.
132 00:05:41 [Kevin] Can you just give it a--- No, no, no, no.
133 00:05:42 Deb, can you just--
134 00:05:44 Can you just pleasegive it a-- give it a read?
135 00:05:47 [Deb] Oh.- Okay? Here.
136 00:05:50 There you go.That's all-- that's all I want.
137 00:05:53 Can you just--
138 00:05:56 I'll read it.
139 00:06:00 We did it! Yeah!
140 00:06:02 [applause]
141 00:06:14 [horn honking]
142 00:06:20 Hello, Mr. Greenlight!She loved it, right?
143 00:06:23 I told you she wasgoing to love it!
144 00:06:25 What's the budget shegave you? $300 million?
145 00:06:27 $400-- $500 million for this?
146 00:06:29 Just drive.
147 00:06:34 I am so sorry, Kevin.That's not-- that is not fair.
148 00:06:37 You are a king, and this towndoesn't deserve you.
149 00:06:39 Do you hear me?You are a king!
150 00:06:41 You are my king! Praise!
151 00:06:43 Praise!
152 00:06:45 Wait a second.Is that her right there?
153 00:06:47 Is that her, the onethrowing away the script?
154 00:06:49 Is that her right there?Excuse me, ma'am!
155 00:06:51 Excuse me, ma'am, inthe red jacket! How are you?
156 00:06:54 Kevin Darnell Hartis a national treasure!
157 00:06:56 - A national treasure!- Just drive the car!
158 00:06:58 [Andre] We're goingto drive the car!
159 00:07:00 But honestly,get your shit together!
160 00:07:01 Nice to meet you!
161 00:07:03 [Kevin] Drive the fucking car,Andre!
162 00:07:05 [instrumental music]
163 00:07:13 [upbeat music]
164 00:07:15 Today is gonna be the mostamazing day of your life.
165 00:07:17 Your papers.
166 00:07:19 You say the same thingevery day, Andre.
167 00:07:20 - And every day, you're wrong.- Oh, well, come on.
168 00:07:22 You're just cranky,because you haven't
169 00:07:24 had your tofu tahini smoothie.
170 00:07:26 I'll get that for you right now.Sophie! His TT!
171 00:07:28 I really hate thatyou call it that.
172 00:07:29 Here we go.Big gulps.
173 00:07:31 - There you go.- No.
174 00:07:33 I'm cranky, because the movieof my dreams just flamed. Okay?
175 00:07:37 Now, I don't know whatI'm going to do with my life.
176 00:07:39 Well, I mean, come on, man.You still have us.
177 00:07:41 That's amazing, right?You have us.
178 00:07:42 What the hell does that mean?Ooh.
179 00:07:44 Hannah, Sophie, me,your man TJ right over here!
180 00:07:48 I'm talking about your village!
181 00:07:50 I know what you need.I know what you need.
182 00:07:51 A massage.
183 00:07:53 Nina, these are all set upfor the new hot stones?
184 00:07:54 I can be in about ten minutes.
185 00:07:56 She can be in about ten minutes.
186 00:07:58 Kevin, the creware ready whenever you are.
187 00:08:00 Yeah. I'm ready.
188 00:08:02 [Andre] You got this!
189 00:08:03 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
190 00:08:04 There you go.
191 00:08:06 Oh, God.How you doing?
192 00:08:07 Good. Great.
193 00:08:09 Kev, now just pretend you'rebiking through the Swiss Alps.
194 00:08:13 We'll CG the Alps in later.
195 00:08:15 What is that?
196 00:08:17 I'm on foot, though.I need a bike, right?
197 00:08:18 We'll CG that in, too.Action!
198 00:08:24 [Kevin] You just want me to--
199 00:08:25 [Director] Just go for it.
200 00:08:27 Act likeI'm riding a bike?
201 00:08:28 Exactly.[Andre] Straight arms.
202 00:08:31 Kevin, look at this.Kevin, look at this.
203 00:08:33 [Kevin] Hey, man.Not-- No!
204 00:08:36 I can't-- can't do this shit!I can't.
205 00:08:39 I-- I cannot dothis shit any more! Alright?
206 00:08:44 I'm tired of the CGI andthe goddamn green screens,
207 00:08:48 all this fake shit!
208 00:08:50 No, uh--
209 00:08:51 [Kevin] I want realfucking action!
210 00:08:53 Ah![Andre] Kevin, no!
211 00:08:57 Nina? What's the ETAon those hot stones?
212 00:09:00 [yells]
213 00:09:02 [crowd screaming]
214 00:09:05 [Reporter] It appearsA-list actor
215 00:09:07 Kevin Hart is backin the news again.
216 00:09:09 Star of the high-octane rebootof The Jefferson's,
217 00:09:12 Hart has spent his own moneydestroying a high-end Hollywood
218 00:09:16 restaurant in anattempt to woo a studio
219 00:09:18 boss into financing whathe refers to
220 00:09:20 as a cinema verité-styleaction film.
221 00:09:23 This comes just a yearafter the actor famously
222 00:09:26 fired his long-timestuntman Doug Eubanks
223 00:09:30 in the middle of production,a decision
224 00:09:31 that left insiders dumbfounded.
225 00:09:33 Bring me this man.
226 00:09:35 [ominous music]
227 00:09:36 Bring me this Kevin Hart.
228 00:09:40 [Reporter]...also known as Mr. 206.
229 00:09:44 [Kevin] Wow.This is big, man.
230 00:09:46 No, like, this is really big.
231 00:09:48 Andre, I don't thinkyou understand!
232 00:09:50 I cast my dream out intothe universe, and guess what?
233 00:09:53 Karl Stromberg comes running!
234 00:09:54 Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
235 00:09:57 But I got to say, boss.I don't like it.
236 00:10:00 I mean, you don't even knowthis guy, right?
237 00:10:02 I tried to look him up,and nothing came up on Google.
238 00:10:04 Duh.It's because he's European.
239 00:10:07 They got their own Google.Everybody knows that. Alright?
240 00:10:09 Listen, the guy is loaded,got tons of money.
241 00:10:12 And if his desire is to makemy movie, then so be it.
242 00:10:14 - I'm good.- I can't do it, boss.
243 00:10:16 I am so sorry.I can't do it.
244 00:10:18 My job is to look out for yourbest interest, and I don't--
245 00:10:20 Uh, what did you just say?
246 00:10:22 It's my jobto look out for your--
247 00:10:23 It's not your job.
248 00:10:25 As a matter of fact, that's thecomplete opposite of your job.
249 00:10:28 You know wholooks out for me, Andre? Me.
250 00:10:30 That's who looks out for me.Me!
251 00:10:32 Okay?
252 00:10:33 - You know what? Pull over.- What?
253 00:10:35 Pull over. I'm driving myself.I don't want you--
254 00:10:36 Kevin, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no.
255 00:10:37 Kevin, you can't drive yourself.You need me!
256 00:10:39 - You need me!- I do not need you.
257 00:10:41 Correction![chuckles] I don't need you!
258 00:10:43 I didn't need my stunt man!
259 00:10:44 I damn sure don'tneed an assistant
260 00:10:46 telling me how to live my life.
261 00:10:47 Pull over!
262 00:10:48 [car honking]
263 00:10:51 Don't-- don't hold the wheelin the middle!
264 00:10:53 Shut up, Andre!I said shut up!
265 00:10:55 - I know how to drive!- We know!
266 00:10:57 We all know!He knows how to drive a car!
267 00:10:58 We know! But let's say youput your hand down.
268 00:11:01 - You pop it in D.- Pop it in first!
269 00:11:03 Nope, that's reverse!Whoa! You know what?
270 00:11:05 Why don't I help you out?
271 00:11:07 I'll get in there, I'll starther up, I'll roll out,
272 00:11:09 and everybody willthink it was you.
273 00:11:10 [Kevin] I don't want your help!
274 00:11:11 Good, good, good! Good!
275 00:11:13 Good! Good, good, good!
276 00:11:14 [Kevin] Yeah, smooth!Very smooth!
277 00:11:16 You're leaving![Kevin] Yeah! Fuck off!
278 00:11:18 I'll drive all the way home!
279 00:11:23 [cigar cutter clinks]
280 00:11:26 [inhales]
281 00:11:28 [exhales]
282 00:11:29 [opera music]
283 00:11:40 So, Karl...
284 00:11:42 Karl, what is it, uh, what isthat you do for a living, man?
285 00:11:48 I made my fortunemining precious metals.
286 00:11:51 [Kevin] Mm.
287 00:11:53 Now, I finance films,primarily in the Balkans,
288 00:11:57 once in North Korea.
289 00:11:58 It's probably hardto get permits over there, huh?
290 00:12:00 Permits are for cowards.
291 00:12:04 Your outline... is dangerous.
292 00:12:08 It's violent.
293 00:12:10 It's almost no narrativethat makes
294 00:12:11 sense to a regular human being.
295 00:12:14 I am notthe regular human being. No.
296 00:12:18 - I am Karl Stromberg.- Yeah.
297 00:12:22 [Karl] And that is why...
298 00:12:26 I will financethis film for you.
299 00:12:30 What did you just say to me?
300 00:12:31 You're telling methat you're going
301 00:12:33 to finance my goddamn movie?Huh?
302 00:12:36 [chuckles] Dude, you justmade my day, man!
303 00:12:39 And I don't have to do my pitch!Because my pitch is expensive.
304 00:12:41 I ain't going tobreak all this glass
305 00:12:42 and stuff in here, becauseI know I got to pay for it.
306 00:12:44 Dude! You just--
307 00:12:45 I was in a dark place, Karl.
308 00:12:47 I was in a real dark place, man.
309 00:12:49 You just pulled meout of a dark place.
310 00:12:51 Because peopleunderestimate you.
311 00:12:52 Yeah.
312 00:12:53 When you left comedyfor the action,
313 00:12:56 they said you'd fail.
314 00:12:57 Did they?
315 00:12:59 When you fired your stuntmanto do your own stunts...
316 00:13:03 they said you would fail.
317 00:13:04 You heard about that?
318 00:13:05 [Karl] Everyone heard aboutthat.
319 00:13:07 It's only you and Tom Cruisewho do your own stunts now.
320 00:13:09 That's-- that's a fact.
321 00:13:11 Two peas in a pod, man.What's going on?
322 00:13:14 What you doing?
323 00:13:16 This film, Kevin...
324 00:13:19 will put youin your own category.
325 00:13:23 Ah! One pea in one pod.
326 00:13:29 Yes, right.
327 00:13:30 That's right.One pea, one pod.
328 00:13:34 Hell, yeah.
329 00:13:36 That's whatit's supposed to be, Karl.
330 00:13:37 You know what, man?I know we just met,
331 00:13:39 but I feel likeI've known you for a long time,
332 00:13:42 because you get me.
333 00:13:43 I'm so sick of this...
334 00:13:45 this CG and thisgreen screen shit!
335 00:13:49 So what'd you think ofthe story, Karl? About me--
336 00:13:51 No one watches moviesfor the story.
337 00:13:54 Yeah.
338 00:13:55 They watch it for the action.
339 00:13:59 And the nudity.
340 00:14:02 I don't really...
341 00:14:04 I don't really haveany dick in my script.
342 00:14:07 But if you want some,if you feel like people want
343 00:14:09 to see dick,I can add some dick.
344 00:14:11 I can-- I'm not afraidto go full frontal.
345 00:14:13 I'll do it. Right?
346 00:14:15 If that's what the people want.
347 00:14:17 My biggest thing, though,is the action, man.
348 00:14:19 I just don't--I don't want to see it coming.
349 00:14:21 Right?I want to be caught off guard.
350 00:14:22 - You will shit your pants!- What you talkin' about?
351 00:14:24 We will have a change of pantsavailable at all times
352 00:14:27 for when you shit your pants.
353 00:14:31 [inhales]Because I'm scared.
354 00:14:32 [Karl] You will shit.- I-- I will shit.
355 00:14:34 [Karl] You will shit...- Yeah.
356 00:14:36 [Karl] ...your pants.- I'll shit my goddamn pants.
357 00:14:37 You will shit!
358 00:14:39 [Kevin] I want to shit!- You will shit.
359 00:14:41 [Kevin] Alright! I wanna shit!
360 00:14:42 - You wanna shit?- Yeah! I will shit!
361 00:14:45 You shit your pants!
362 00:14:47 I'm readyto shit my pants, Karl!
363 00:14:49 I want to shit my pants!Right now!
364 00:14:53 When-- when do we startso I can shit!
365 00:14:56 [Karl] We already have.
366 00:14:58 There's a camera hiddenright behind you.
367 00:15:00 [ominous music]
368 00:15:03 Ohh!
369 00:15:04 [chuckles] I think I see it!
370 00:15:07 The little-- the black--the space with the black, right?
371 00:15:10 [gunshot]
372 00:15:25 [weak groaning]
373 00:15:28 [moaning]
374 00:15:36 [cutter clinking]
375 00:15:41 [groaning]
376 00:15:42 [yelling]
377 00:15:58 [screaming]
378 00:16:02 Back up!
379 00:16:04 Get your ass back!
380 00:16:06 I don't know who you thinkyou messing with,
381 00:16:07 but I tell you, you got...
382 00:16:08 Oh, shit!
383 00:16:10 He going to fucking eat my ass!
384 00:16:12 He going to eat my ass andset me on fire or some shit,
385 00:16:15 ain't you?
386 00:16:16 Who are you? Huh?
387 00:16:19 Where am I?Tell me-- tell me where I'm at!
388 00:16:21 Who...Wait a minute.
389 00:16:23 Do you work,you work for Karl Stromberg?
390 00:16:30 I said, do you workfor Karl Stromberg?
391 00:16:38 Okay.
392 00:16:41 Okay. Okay, we in it.
393 00:16:43 This is it.We're doing it.
394 00:16:45 Okay, Karl!I like it! I like it!
395 00:16:48 Um, okay, shit.
396 00:16:50 Okay, let me see. Where--where are we in the script?
397 00:16:52 God, my adrenaline'sflowing so much.
398 00:16:54 You got me! I thought you wasreally trying to eat my ass!
399 00:16:57 Alright.Uh, okay, three, two, one.
400 00:16:59 [blabbers] Okay.
401 00:17:01 Rice, peas, carrots, let's go.[sniffles]
402 00:17:03 [dramatic music]
403 00:17:08 You know, I've been searchingthe globe for you.
404 00:17:12 You're a hard man to find,Mr. Bartholomew.
405 00:17:20 I think you got a line.
406 00:17:22 You got a line!
407 00:17:25 Uh, you say your part,and I'll react off of that.
408 00:17:28 Because what you saysets me up to now have my...
409 00:17:30 Unless you're not union. Or--Is he union or no?
410 00:17:34 Guys?Can you not just--
411 00:17:37 Okay.
412 00:17:38 Oh, rewrite.There must have been pink pages.
413 00:17:40 Okay.Uh, let me get back in.
414 00:17:42 [clinking]
415 00:17:45 What you going to do with those?
416 00:17:47 Chop off my finger? Hmm?
417 00:17:49 Cut off my leg?My foot?
418 00:17:51 [clinking]
419 00:17:53 Newsflash, I only needone foot to kick your ass.
420 00:17:57 That is a trailer moment!Guys! I only--
421 00:18:01 [Man on speaker] Good evening.
422 00:18:04 Do not use the shearson this man.
423 00:18:07 [Kevin] Is that--is that the producer?
424 00:18:09 Is that Karl? Karl!
425 00:18:10 [Man on speaker] He mustatone for his sins.
426 00:18:14 What is that?Atone for my-- I don't know--
427 00:18:16 [Man on speaker]He must feel the pain
428 00:18:18 he has made others feel.
429 00:18:23 Yeah, I'm lost, guys.I don't know where we are.
430 00:18:25 Um, if we're goingto do rewrites,
431 00:18:27 you guys got togive me the pages.
432 00:18:29 I'll stay in it.I'll stay in it. Uh...
433 00:18:31 [metallic whirring]
434 00:18:35 Okay, alright. Okay.
435 00:18:37 Why don't we-- why don't wetake it easy?
436 00:18:38 Because I know whyyou're mad, huh?
437 00:18:40 You're mad because--Stop right there.
438 00:18:41 Let's stop right there.No, no, no.
439 00:18:43 Let's make that your mark.Nope, stop right there.
440 00:18:45 Whoa, whoa, whoa!Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Hey!
441 00:18:48 [Man on speaker] Count to ten.
442 00:18:49 No, fuck you! Wait!
443 00:18:51 Hey, hey, hey!Hey, hey! Hey, man!
444 00:18:53 Hey!No, no, don't cut my dick!
445 00:18:56 Don't cut my dick!That's not-- Okay, use it.
446 00:18:58 I'mma use it!Stay in it.
447 00:19:00 [grunts]
448 00:19:03 Yeah!
449 00:19:13 Two.
450 00:19:16 [Kevin] Come on!
451 00:19:18 Come on!
452 00:19:19 [yelling]
453 00:19:26 [sighs]
454 00:19:33 Damn it!
455 00:19:34 No, not today.
456 00:19:37 Yeah!
457 00:19:39 Did we get it? Huh?
458 00:19:40 [laughs] Spin it!We got it!
459 00:19:43 Yeah! Oh!
460 00:19:45 [ominous music]
461 00:19:49 Comin' to beatyour ass, Montoya.
462 00:19:52 This set's incredible.So good.
463 00:19:57 Shit!
464 00:19:59 It's Montoya's men.
465 00:20:11 [woman yells]
466 00:20:14 Jordan?The hell are you doing here?
467 00:20:15 [muffled yelling]
468 00:20:19 Son of a bitch!
469 00:20:21 Did they hurt you? Hm?Did they hurt you?
470 00:20:23 Kevin, what the hellis going on?
471 00:20:26 The uranium heist.That's what's going on.
472 00:20:28 - Wait, what?- I already handled Bartholomew.
473 00:20:31 But General Montoya, he's notgoing to let us off as easy.
474 00:20:35 What the hellare you talking about?
475 00:20:38 Shit!
476 00:20:39 I was walking my dog,
477 00:20:41 and someone hit mein the fucking neck
478 00:20:42 with a tranquillizer dart!
479 00:20:44 - Huh?- And I ended up here.
480 00:20:46 What areyou talking about?
481 00:20:48 You didn't talkto Karl Stromberg?
482 00:20:49 Who?
483 00:20:51 Karl Strombergabout the movie?
484 00:20:53 Right now, we're in it!This is the movie!
485 00:20:56 It's a live-action movie!
486 00:20:57 We're improvingall the action scenes!
487 00:20:59 No green screen,no fucking cables.
488 00:21:02 It's real, raw.
489 00:21:04 He's going to takemy acting career
490 00:21:05 and my action statusto the next level.
491 00:21:07 So this is all your fault?
492 00:21:08 [Kevin] Well, I mean,it's my script.
493 00:21:10 It took me I don't know howlong to develop it. But Karl--
494 00:21:12 - What the hell is your problem!- Stop!
495 00:21:14 What is wrong with you?
496 00:21:15 - Shit! Ow!- Annoying!
497 00:21:17 Stop. Shit!That's sharp!
498 00:21:19 How long were youlaying on that?
499 00:21:21 Damn it!
500 00:21:22 Now, why you got an attitude?
501 00:21:24 This is a simple outline!It's a layup!
502 00:21:27 Okay?I'm a triple agent.
503 00:21:30 MI-7.I'm the highest of high, right?
504 00:21:32 Like, you can't get higherthan where I am.
505 00:21:34 But you-- you'remy love interest.
506 00:21:36 They took you hostage becausethey knew that's the only way
507 00:21:37 to get to me.
508 00:21:39 So now, I'm here,and I got to get you.
509 00:21:40 - You understand what--- You're pathetic.
510 00:21:42 And I'm pretty surethat kidnapping is a felony.
511 00:21:45 Well, I'm pretty surethat when you're an adult,
512 00:21:47 they don't call it kidnapping.
513 00:21:49 So that's-- [chuckles]That's pathetic.
514 00:21:51 Fuck you, Kevin.
515 00:21:52 What do you mean fuck me?Why are you at me?
516 00:21:54 You should be mad atKarl Stromberg! Not me!
517 00:21:56 I do not know who that is!
518 00:21:58 Shh!
519 00:22:00 [ominous music]
520 00:22:04 You don't want him to hear you.
521 00:22:05 Who?Who will hear me?
522 00:22:07 There's no one here!And do not say Karl Stromberg.
523 00:22:10 Are you saying Strum or Strom?
524 00:22:12 Is it Strum or Stromberg?Because I don't know.
525 00:22:14 [Kevin] Okay, hey, hey, hey.
526 00:22:16 There are cameras everywhere.
527 00:22:18 We're filming a movie!
528 00:22:20 Where?There are no cameras anywhere!
529 00:22:24 Will you look around?There's cameras everywhere!
530 00:22:27 Okay, listen. Listen.
531 00:22:29 All I need you to do isjust grasp what's going on.
532 00:22:32 This is a big opportunityfor both of us.
533 00:22:35 Okay? Just get in character.
534 00:22:37 Please?
535 00:22:39 [dramatic music]
536 00:22:43 They got this place locked downtighter than Fort Knox.
537 00:22:46 Oh, God.You wrote this dialogue?
538 00:22:48 Those motherfuckers knewI would come rescue you.
539 00:22:51 Beautiful damsel in distresslike yourself.
540 00:22:54 [music stops]
541 00:22:56 Yep.Thank you for rescuing me.
542 00:22:59 Just like any woman,I wouldn't know what to do
543 00:23:04 if a man didn't show upto save me and tell me to eat
544 00:23:08 so I don't starve and breatheoxygen, so I don't suffocate.
545 00:23:10 Let's cut. Let's cut.
546 00:23:13 Can we cut?
547 00:23:15 Can you work with me?
548 00:23:17 - I'd rather not.- Please.
549 00:23:20 [Kevin] Thank you.- Okay.
550 00:23:22 [Kevin] Alright, guys, we'regoing to go again. Alright?
551 00:23:24 Self-action.
552 00:23:26 [dramatic music]
553 00:23:27 Do you have any idea what's onthe other side of that door?
554 00:23:30 There are some dangerous menon the other side of that door.
555 00:23:32 I'm talking mercenaries,killers, ninjas,
556 00:23:36 failed karate schoolinstructors,
557 00:23:37 people that wantto do bad things to me
558 00:23:39 just because they can.
559 00:23:41 There's a bountyon my fucking head.
560 00:23:46 I'll tell you what, Esmeralda.
561 00:23:50 I'll pay that bounty.
562 00:23:52 And I will give them my head...if it meant saving your life
563 00:23:56 so that you canfinish med school
564 00:23:57 and open up that clinic thatyou always wanted to--
565 00:23:59 Ow! Shit!
566 00:24:01 Open up that clinicthat you always wanted--
567 00:24:03 Esmeralda, wait.
568 00:24:06 Esmeralda! Hey!
569 00:24:09 [ominous music]
570 00:24:12 Oh, you fucking piece of shit!
571 00:24:14 You leave her out of it,you hear me?
572 00:24:17 She's got nothingto do with this.
573 00:24:19 This is between me, you, and the78,000 kilos of stolen uranium.
574 00:24:24 [glass breaking]
575 00:24:25 Alright.That's how you want to have it?
576 00:24:28 Let's have at it.
577 00:24:31 I'm so over this.
578 00:24:33 Kevin, next time you havea terrible movie idea,
579 00:24:35 leave me out of it, yeah?
580 00:24:37 - Ah!- Oh, shit!
581 00:24:39 [groaning]
582 00:24:43 I'm sorry, but didthis central casting goon
583 00:24:45 just hit me in the facewith a real fucking ass-- Cut.
584 00:24:48 No, no, no, we needto cut right now!
585 00:24:51 I don't know what weirdproduction this is,
586 00:24:52 but I need to speakto a producer!
587 00:24:54 [yelling]
588 00:25:06 Is that all you've got?
589 00:25:09 Jordan.Let me get in there now.
590 00:25:13 Slam his ass!
591 00:25:15 [yelling]
592 00:25:18 Jordan!Let my character get some!
593 00:25:20 Tag me in!
594 00:25:23 [yelling]
595 00:25:26 [glass breaking]
596 00:25:27 Damn!
597 00:25:29 [yelling]
598 00:25:36 Hold it.
599 00:25:42 Yeah!
600 00:25:45 Whoa! We got that!
601 00:25:47 What a scene!
602 00:25:49 Good job!Here.
603 00:25:51 I think I'm the onethat was supposed
604 00:25:52 to kick his ass, though.
605 00:25:54 Because I'm the lead.
606 00:25:55 So I'm quite sure thatwas supposed to be me.
607 00:25:57 But we'll fix it in post--
608 00:25:58 [gunfire]
609 00:25:59 Go, go, go! Go!
610 00:26:04 [panting]
611 00:26:08 [Jordan] That guy wastrying to kill me!
612 00:26:09 Kevin, not acting!
613 00:26:10 Not a movie!Literally trying to kill me!
614 00:26:12 No. It's cinema verité.
615 00:26:15 I know it's a little different,but that's what it is.
616 00:26:16 Different? A little fuckingdifferent, Kevin?
617 00:26:19 - Wow, shit!- Are you okay?
618 00:26:21 Yeah, I know you're justtrying to get me to apologize.
619 00:26:23 - Just give me a second. What?- Kevin.
620 00:26:25 You've been hit.With a real fucking bullet!
621 00:26:30 That's not real blood.
622 00:26:32 [Jordan] What?
623 00:26:33 - Of course it's real blood!- No. Taste it.
624 00:26:35 I'm not goingto taste your blood, Kevin!
625 00:26:37 You can! You can!It's pig's blood!
626 00:26:39 It's not my blood.[chuckles]
627 00:26:42 [Jordan] Does that feel fake?
628 00:26:43 - Ow! Ow!- Shit! Shit, shit.
629 00:26:46 I gotta lay down!
630 00:26:51 Kevin!
631 00:26:55 No, no, no, no, no!Wait, look!
632 00:26:56 There's a photographer! Look.He wants your picture! See?
633 00:27:00 Go on! What the fuck!
634 00:27:05 If I had what now?
635 00:27:06 [Jordan] Just anunexpected accident
636 00:27:08 with a very small,
637 00:27:11 flying, fast, like projectileobject through his shoulder.
638 00:27:15 And I just thinksome painkillers
639 00:27:16 would really help him.
640 00:27:17 Mm-hmm.
641 00:27:18 I know I don't havea prescription,
642 00:27:20 but I can assure you,this is an emergency.
643 00:27:24 I see.
644 00:27:28 You want to scoresome good drugs?
645 00:27:30 Some xannies,some ox, chuckleheads,
646 00:27:33 wet Garys, Shriek andJimmy's, moon pie, spider pie?
647 00:27:35 Look, I'm not a drug addict!
648 00:27:37 I'm an actor!Don't you recognize me?
649 00:27:39 Um--
650 00:27:41 Okay, it doesn't matter.Alright?
651 00:27:43 My idiot friend got shotwith a real bullet,
652 00:27:45 an actual fucking bulletfrom an actual fucking gun!
653 00:27:47 And now, he's bleeding outin your alleyway!
654 00:27:49 And if you don't help mehelp him,
655 00:27:51 you're going to havea body on your hands!
656 00:27:55 Would I know him from anywhere?
657 00:27:58 [sighs]
658 00:27:59 [Jordan] You're luckyit just grazed you.
659 00:28:02 Here.It's the best I could do.
660 00:28:05 - The hell is this?- It's for the pain.
661 00:28:08 Pharmacist wasa real piece of work.
662 00:28:11 Well, you're a piece of workfor bringing
663 00:28:12 this out here to me.
664 00:28:14 I can't drink this.This is my competitor!
665 00:28:16 You got to go back in thereand ask for Grand Cormino.
666 00:28:18 Are you being seriousright now?
667 00:28:19 Kevin, you've been shot!I was kidnapped!
668 00:28:21 - Grown woman acting. Okay.- You need to fix this!
669 00:28:24 - You need to fix this now!- I told you, I can't! Okay?
670 00:28:28 Even if I wanted to,I can't do it.
671 00:28:29 And by the way,it's all by design.
672 00:28:31 I gave all the rightsover to Karl Stromberg,
673 00:28:34 who is a great preciousmetals magnate.
674 00:28:37 You do hearhow that sounds, right?
675 00:28:38 You-- you hear the words?
676 00:28:41 You know, Andre was right.
677 00:28:43 Andre, your assistant?
678 00:28:45 Yes, my assistant.No, my former assistant.
679 00:28:49 He was right, though.You know what we're going to do?
680 00:28:51 We're going to payKarl Stromberg a visit.
681 00:28:54 Yeah, that's exactlywhat we're going to do.
682 00:28:56 We're going to tell himhe needs to get back on book.
683 00:28:58 Because right now, he's notfollowing my guidelines at all.
684 00:29:02 And we're all over the place.
685 00:29:03 In order for this movieto be the best thing
686 00:29:05 that we know that it can be,we got to get back on pace.
687 00:29:08 Okay?We're paying him a visit.
688 00:29:12 [Kevin] Well, at least my caris still here.
689 00:29:14 Yeah, but it's the only one.
690 00:29:15 This place is dead.
691 00:29:17 Yes, because it's the weekend.That's why.
692 00:29:19 Kevin, it's Tuesday.
693 00:29:21 [Kevin] Oh.
694 00:29:27 Wait, what the fuck?
695 00:29:30 Kevin, it doesn't looklike anyone's
696 00:29:31 been here for weeks.
697 00:29:33 No, that's not true.
698 00:29:34 I was just here.I was just here.
699 00:29:36 Stromberg was right there.Okay?
700 00:29:38 That was the last week, or itmay have been a week before.
701 00:29:40 I don't know what weekit was, because I
702 00:29:42 got knocked the fuck out.But I was here.
703 00:29:43 He was sitting at a desk,right here.
704 00:29:46 This is where he was.He was--
705 00:29:51 Hmm?
706 00:29:55 You will shit your pants!
707 00:29:57 I'm not crazy.
708 00:29:59 I knew he was here.
709 00:30:01 Would I have thisif he wasn't here?
710 00:30:02 It's the butt to his cigar.
711 00:30:04 You know what he was doing?
712 00:30:06 He was doing real weirdstuff with the cigar,
713 00:30:08 licking it, putting it in hisnose, slobbering all on it.
714 00:30:11 I was watching himwhile he was doing it.
715 00:30:13 Closing his eyes.
716 00:30:15 [sniffs] All of a sudden--
717 00:30:19 [Jordan] Why did youhave to drag me
718 00:30:21 into your stupid fantasydeath wish movie?
719 00:30:24 What are you talking about?
720 00:30:25 All I said was thinksomebody like Jordan King.
721 00:30:27 Keyword, "think."It was a suggestion.
722 00:30:29 Oh, great.Thanks for the suggestion.
723 00:30:30 He probably wanted youbecause you're one
724 00:30:32 of the biggest stars in Sweden.What if that's the case?
725 00:30:34 I'm pretty sureGreta Thunberg
726 00:30:35 is the biggest star in Sweden.
727 00:30:37 The environmental activist?
728 00:30:38 Yeah, they havetheir priorities straight.
729 00:30:41 Hey, whoa.
730 00:30:44 Wait a minute. Come here.What's this?
731 00:30:47 Look.
732 00:30:48 [Jordan sighs]
733 00:30:49 Look, will you just look?
734 00:30:50 [tense music]
735 00:30:59 The hell is this?
736 00:31:03 Whoa. It's the VHS.
737 00:31:06 I haven't seen oneof these in years.
738 00:31:14 Hey, it's Brian Penn fromBuchwald Associates reading fo--
739 00:31:17 Um, I'm sorry,is it Stromberg or--
740 00:31:19 That's Karl Stromberg![Man on TV] It's Stromberg.
741 00:31:21 It's him! I mean, he--
742 00:31:23 It's different hair,but it's him!
743 00:31:25 Bring me this man,this... Kevin Hart.
744 00:31:29 I-- I'm actually goingto go thicker.
745 00:31:31 Kevin, it's an audition tape.
746 00:31:34 Yeah, well, obviously.I can see that.
747 00:31:37 I see thatit's an audition tape.
748 00:31:38 The question is, why?Why is it an audition tape?
749 00:31:40 Oh, my god. Wait a minute,is Karl Stromberg even real?
750 00:31:43 [Jordan] What, you didn'tgoogle him before the meeting?
751 00:31:45 [Kevin] He's from Sweden.
752 00:31:47 You want me to go all theway to Sweden and google?
753 00:31:48 That's ridiculous. Stop.
754 00:31:50 [Jordan] Are you on drugs?
755 00:31:52 [phone ringing]
756 00:31:57 Quick, answer it!
757 00:32:08 Hello?
758 00:32:09 [Man on phone]Hello, Mr. Action Star.
759 00:32:11 Congratulations.You escaped.
760 00:32:13 Uh, do you knowyou shot me with a real bullet?
761 00:32:16 [Man on phone]Of course I know.
762 00:32:17 That bullet wasmeant to kill you.
763 00:32:19 Oh, that's stupid.
764 00:32:20 You kill me, and thenyou don't have a movie.
765 00:32:22 [Man on phone] You moron.There is no movie.
766 00:32:24 There never was.
767 00:32:25 What do you meanthere's no movie?
768 00:32:26 You'd better stoptalking like that.
769 00:32:28 That's blasphemy,and you know it.
770 00:32:30 There is a movie.Okay, who is this?
771 00:32:32 Are you the producer?
772 00:32:33 [Man on phone] You haveforgotten who you are,
773 00:32:35 where you came from.
774 00:32:37 I didn't-- didn't anybodyforget where they came from.
775 00:32:39 [Man on phone]Then what was the name
776 00:32:41 of your first elementaryschool teacher?
777 00:32:47 Ms. Foxen.
778 00:32:49 No, Ms. Clarkson-- Clarkson--Clarkson.
779 00:32:51 Yeah, Ms. Clarkson.
780 00:32:53 [Man on phone] And the hospitalwhere you were born?
781 00:32:54 What does that have to dowith anything?
782 00:32:56 [Man on phone] The name.
783 00:32:59 [whispering] Go on.
784 00:33:01 Uh, Saint Falkenstein.
785 00:33:05 - That sounds wrong.- Saint Falkenstein Hospital.
786 00:33:08 What-- Hey!Enough of this shit!
787 00:33:10 Cut the shit!Who are you?
788 00:33:11 Who the fuck are you?
789 00:33:13 [Man on phone]I'm the person who's brought
790 00:33:15 an end to your life.
791 00:33:16 You are no longer cared for.
792 00:33:18 - You're worth nothing.- Uh, excuse me.
793 00:33:20 Can I ask why I've beendragged into this?
794 00:33:22 [line disconnects]
795 00:33:24 Great, Kevin! You took allthe phone time with him!
796 00:33:27 [Kevin] Oh, I'm sorry.
797 00:33:28 Excuse the fuck out of mefor trying to figure out
798 00:33:30 what was going on with my life,trying to hear
799 00:33:32 a serial killer voice out.
800 00:33:34 I'm sorry thatI inconvenienced you!
801 00:33:35 - Shh! Shh!- Goddamn it, Jordan!
802 00:33:38 Shh! Do you hear that?
803 00:33:39 [quiet beeping]
804 00:33:43 It's the VCR.
805 00:33:45 What the fuck?
806 00:33:48 [gasps] Oh, fuck, it's a bomb.
807 00:33:50 - What?- It's a fucking bomb.
808 00:33:52 Well, disarm it!
809 00:33:53 You fucking disarm it!
810 00:33:55 Oh, yeah, 'causeI know how to disarm a bomb.
811 00:33:56 Oh, I do 'cause I'm Black?That's what you think?
812 00:33:59 Every Black man knowhow to disarm a bomb?
813 00:34:00 That is not a thing, Kevin.
814 00:34:01 [Kevin] Oh, I betit's not a thing.
815 00:34:03 Get your racist ass back.Move, move!
816 00:34:06 Quick, quick, quick. Come on.
817 00:34:07 Oh, my God.Open it, open it.
818 00:34:11 [grunts]Pull, pull!
819 00:34:16 Hold it, hold it, hold it.
820 00:34:22 Back.Get back, get back, get back!
821 00:34:24 Shit.
822 00:34:25 [clanging]
823 00:34:27 [clanging stops]
824 00:34:32 Okay.
825 00:34:33 Well, I guess itis just a movie.
826 00:34:35 Yeah, and that was a fake bomb--
827 00:34:37 [explosion]
828 00:34:38 Whoa!
829 00:34:40 [alarm blaring]
830 00:34:46 [both coughing]
831 00:34:48 [Andre] Where's my keys?
832 00:34:50 - Oh, my god!- Oh, you're okay.
833 00:34:51 You're okay.What was that sound?
834 00:34:53 Andre? What the hell areyou doing here?
835 00:34:54 - Come on, go.- What are you talking about?
836 00:34:56 - We gotta go.- I'll get the door for you.
837 00:34:57 Go now!
838 00:34:59 Kevin, that wasa real fucking bomb.
839 00:35:00 A real fucking bomb!
840 00:35:02 Okay, Jordan, well, can youput yourself in my shoes?
841 00:35:04 I will not, no. No.
842 00:35:05 I do not have to do that.Do you know what?
843 00:35:07 Just shut up.Shut the fuck up.
844 00:35:09 Hey, Jordan. I'm Andre.I don't know if you remember me.
845 00:35:12 Hey, man,put your hand on the wheel.
846 00:35:13 [Andre] You got it.
847 00:35:15 I'm actually...I'm Kevin's protege.
848 00:35:17 Sorry, I'm Kevin's assistant...Former assistant. Fuck me.
849 00:35:21 Of course I remember you,Andre. So what?
850 00:35:24 Kevin kicked you out in themiddle of the street, did he?
851 00:35:25 No, pish-posh.No, of course not.
852 00:35:28 Technically, it was the sidewalkand I love Skid Row.
853 00:35:32 Everybody's got a story to tell.
854 00:35:33 So many teachable moments.
855 00:35:35 Wait, you-- you didn't go home?
856 00:35:37 You just waited herethis whole time?
857 00:35:38 Well, yeah. I mean, I alwayscarry a spare key, right?
858 00:35:40 That's what I do.And I don't mind waiting.
859 00:35:42 - It was a quick 25, 30 hours.- Thirty hours?
860 00:35:46 I would wait a lifetimeto make sure Kevin is okay.
861 00:35:49 Stop it. Stop it.I didn't ask you to do that.
862 00:35:51 - Don't act like I did.- I know, I know.
863 00:35:54 And I know you fired me.
864 00:35:55 Oh, right, you fired him
865 00:35:57 because he tried to warn youabout the Swedish mobster that
866 00:36:00 was actually a shitty actorwho was working
867 00:36:02 for someone trying to murder us.
868 00:36:03 Okay, I don't understandwhat's happening.
869 00:36:05 I really don't.And Jordan,
870 00:36:06 I'm just gonna throw thisout there right now.
871 00:36:07 I feel like you're stillmad at me.
872 00:36:09 I will never not be mad at youfor the rest of my life.
873 00:36:12 I am so sorry to interrupt,but where am I going?
874 00:36:14 Because I've just been driving.
875 00:36:16 Hey, hey,we're going to my house.
876 00:36:17 - You got it.- Okay, go to my house.
877 00:36:18 No, I'm not going to your house.
878 00:36:20 - I'm going to my house.- Your house it is.
879 00:36:21 No, you're not goingto your house,
880 00:36:23 because I need to knowthat you're safe.
881 00:36:24 Oh, right, yeah,just like Andre wanted
882 00:36:26 to make sure you were safe.
883 00:36:28 [Kevin] You know what?I know what you're doing.
884 00:36:31 I know exactlywhat you're doing.
885 00:36:32 You're trying to doone of those things
886 00:36:34 where you make me evaluatewho I am as a person, right?
887 00:36:37 That's what you're trying to do.But guess what?
888 00:36:39 I'm not gonna do that,because who I am as a person
889 00:36:41 is who I'm okay with,and I'm settled in.
890 00:36:43 [beeping]
891 00:36:45 [Andre] It's not working.I'm gonna try one more time.
892 00:36:48 Are you sure you'repunching in the right code?
893 00:36:49 Of course, man.It's your birthday,
894 00:36:51 like I'd ever forget that.It's tattooed on my inner thigh.
895 00:36:53 I rub it every morning.
896 00:36:55 - See what I'm dealing with?- Okay.
897 00:36:56 All the time,this is what it is.
898 00:36:58 It's not working.[Jordan] Wait, wait, wait.
899 00:37:00 Maybe the person who'sbehind all of this
900 00:37:02 changed the gate code.
901 00:37:03 [Kevin] Wait,and they think I'm dead.
902 00:37:06 So maybe this is toour advantage, right?
903 00:37:07 [Andre] Hm.[Jordan] Maybe.
904 00:37:09 Yeah, no, there's--Oh, shit, security.
905 00:37:11 It's security, Jordan.Get in the back. Hide.
906 00:37:12 Dude, maybe we just exit now.Should I go now?
907 00:37:14 [Kevin] No, no, no. Wait, wait,wait, wait, wait.
908 00:37:15 [Andre] I should just--I'm gonna leave.
909 00:37:17 You have to leave.Stop, stop, stop.
910 00:37:18 [Andre] Are you sure? He's huge.He doesn't like me.
911 00:37:20 [Guard] Sir--- Hey, what's going on?
912 00:37:21 How are you, my man?Nice to meet you.
913 00:37:23 Are you aware you're trespassingon private property?
914 00:37:25 I did not.I-- I was not aware, no.
915 00:37:28 Please reverse outand have a nice day.
916 00:37:30 You got it, my man.[Kevin] No, do not reverse.
917 00:37:32 - You can't reverse.- You know what?
918 00:37:33 I'm not-- I can't--
919 00:37:35 My boss actuallylives inside there.
920 00:37:37 So if I can just jump in therereal quick, it'd be great.
921 00:37:40 Reverse out now,and no one has to get
922 00:37:41 pumped full of electricity.
923 00:37:43 Of course.I'm positive no one needs that.
924 00:37:45 No, do not reverse.Do not reverse.
925 00:37:48 - Do not reverse.- I'm not gonna reverse.
926 00:37:50 Do not fuck with me.
927 00:37:53 [Kevin] He's bluffing.- You're bluffing.
928 00:37:55 I assure you,I'm not bluffing.
929 00:37:58 He's fucking bluffing.
930 00:38:00 - Fuck with him. He's bluffing.- Fuck you. You're full of--
931 00:38:02 [electricity crackling]
932 00:38:04 [gibbering]
933 00:38:07 Compliments of Mr. H.
934 00:38:10 [Kevin] Well, I didn't tell himto do that.
935 00:38:12 [Jordan] Andre?[Kevin] Is he okay?
936 00:38:13 [Jordan] Andre? Andre?
937 00:38:20 [Jordan] Hey, Andre, m-- maybeone of us should just drive.
938 00:38:23 [laughing] No, you don't haveto worry about that. I got it.
939 00:38:25 - I got you, my man.- Damn it.
940 00:38:27 I got a crook in my neckthat's a bitch.
941 00:38:29 I-- I swear, I gotta get toNina so she can fix this.
942 00:38:32 - Who's Nina?- Kevin's full-time masseuse.
943 00:38:34 She's my full-time masseuse.
944 00:38:35 [laughs] Of course.
945 00:38:37 Oh, okay, well,I'm glad that my life
946 00:38:39 getting destroyed amuses you.
947 00:38:40 Well, didn't you basicallyask for all of this?
948 00:38:42 [mimicking Jordan] No, I didn'tbasically ask for all of this.
949 00:38:43 I did not do that.I asked for a movie.
950 00:38:46 There's a big difference.
951 00:38:47 A movie has camerasand sound, lights.
952 00:38:49 That's what that has in it.
953 00:38:50 This is not the same,not the same.
954 00:38:53 We need to go to the police.
955 00:38:54 [Kevin] No, no, we do notneed to go to police.
956 00:38:56 Whoever this guy is, he thinksthat we're dead, right?
957 00:38:59 So we use that toour advantage, okay?
958 00:39:02 We make him thinkth-- that we're not here.
959 00:39:04 We disappear. We just gottafigure out where to go.
960 00:39:06 Man, this is where Natashawould come in handy,
961 00:39:08 'cause she would know exactlywhere we should go.
962 00:39:10 - And who the hell is Natasha?- She handles--
963 00:39:11 She's Kevin's Airbnb consultant.
964 00:39:14 - This is getting ridiculous.- Oh, my God.
965 00:39:15 I know exactly where we can go
966 00:39:17 where no one wouldever search for us.
967 00:39:20 Who's in?
968 00:39:24 Okay, make yourself at home.
969 00:39:26 Uh, do you guys wantanything to drink?
970 00:39:27 Kombucha, coffee, tea?
971 00:39:29 Yes, yes,kombucha would be great.
972 00:39:31 I don't have it.You called my bluff.
973 00:39:32 I don't have kombucha.I'm sorry.
974 00:39:34 - No, water would be brilliant.- Water is gonna be great.
975 00:39:35 - Thank you, Andre.- Fantastic.
976 00:39:37 And you? You want some water?
977 00:39:38 I'm not putting my mouthon a cup of this house.
978 00:39:40 Nice, nice.
979 00:39:41 Jesus Christ,you actually live here?
980 00:39:44 [Andre] Yeah, my littleslice of heaven.
981 00:39:46 Ugh.[Andre] What was that?
982 00:39:49 - I said, ugh.- I love it.
983 00:39:51 It's actually really charming.[Andre] Thank you.
984 00:39:53 You know, my mom and Iare kind of always
985 00:39:55 messing with the motif in here.
986 00:39:56 Went through a hugeSouthwestern phase.
987 00:39:58 So much turquoise.
988 00:40:00 [Andre and Jordan laugh]
989 00:40:01 So your momhelped you decorate?
990 00:40:03 Oh, yeah, big-time.She's my roommate.
991 00:40:05 [Kevin scoffs]
992 00:40:06 - She's right there.- You gotta be shitting me.
993 00:40:08 No, no, no, don't be afraid.
994 00:40:10 Don't be afraid.Watch this.
995 00:40:11 You want to meet her?[Kevin] No, I don't have to.
996 00:40:13 Here we go.Mom, you're okay?
997 00:40:14 Your mouth was open real wide.[Kevin] Oh, my God.
998 00:40:18 - Oh, my. Oh, my.- Don't charge me.
999 00:40:21 Oh, my God.[Andre] Fix your bra.
1000 00:40:23 It's-- it's Kevin Hart,America's treasure.
1001 00:40:28 It's a family...No, you don't have to--
1002 00:40:29 Oh!
1003 00:40:31 And-- and Jordan King.
1004 00:40:33 Or should I call you Wheezy?
1005 00:40:35 [laughs] No,that's just a role
1006 00:40:37 I'm not paidnearly enough to play.
1007 00:40:39 Uh, "Jordan" is fine.
1008 00:40:40 [laughs] Come here.I gotta squeeze ya.
1009 00:40:42 Come here. Oh!
1010 00:40:44 You two gotta eat.We're gonna have a feast.
1011 00:40:47 Andre, go to the freezer.
1012 00:40:48 We're gonna defrostthe Christmas pork chop.
1013 00:40:50 We're doingthe Christmas pork chops?
1014 00:40:52 [Andre] We've been waitingfor this for, like, six years.
1015 00:40:53 I don't thinkwe have that much time.
1016 00:40:55 You don't have to do that. Wedon't want to steal your meat.
1017 00:40:57 - We have plenty of time.- You gotta save that meat.
1018 00:40:58 You're eating my meat.
1019 00:41:00 [Andre] Tell him, mom.Tell him!
1020 00:41:01 - No, no, no, no.- You're gonna want my meat.
1021 00:41:03 No, we don't want your meat.
1022 00:41:04 People talk about itall the time.
1023 00:41:05 - Well, we don't--- Did you hurt yourself?
1024 00:41:07 [Kevin] This is not--- Did you know there was--
1025 00:41:08 Ah, shit, woman!
1026 00:41:10 Did you knowthere was blood there?
1027 00:41:12 - Yeah-- Ow, ow!- And up here?
1028 00:41:14 - Stop.- God, you are Kevin Hart.
1029 00:41:17 You can't walk aroundwith bloody clothes on.
1030 00:41:19 You're too sophisticated.Take your shirt off.
1031 00:41:21 - Come on, I'm gonna wash it.- That's alright.
1032 00:41:23 I'm already doing a bloody load.
1033 00:41:25 Come on, take it off. Come on.
1034 00:41:26 [Andre] Take it off, Kevin.What are we doing?
1035 00:41:28 Yeah.[Andre] Come on.
1036 00:41:29 [Jordan] So nice of you.- Somebody's got a cute tummy.
1037 00:41:30 [Andre laughs]
1038 00:41:32 [Kevin] Come on, that's a lie.- Mom, look at him.
1039 00:41:34 Remember, I was telling youabout his belly button?
1040 00:41:35 It's right there, mom.You got it.
1041 00:41:36 Take my chance.[blows raspberry]
1042 00:41:38 Oh, god. Let me just--Please, let me get it.
1043 00:41:40 Stop it, please.[Cynthia] Oh my goodness.
1044 00:41:42 [Kevin] Thank you. You got--- Oh, that's--
1045 00:41:44 - You gotta be kidding me.- Well, that hit my eyes.
1046 00:41:46 That is-- that is--
1047 00:41:48 - That's a man right there.- Yeah, we were filming.
1048 00:41:50 [Cynthia] That is good.- We're doing an improv action--
1049 00:41:52 I can't believe he's inour house. I love you so much.
1050 00:41:53 [Kevin] ...movie wherebasically all of the action...
1051 00:41:58 - Such nice people.- Nice people?
1052 00:42:00 - Who?- You're so mean.
1053 00:42:02 How can you be mean to this guy?Look at him.
1054 00:42:04 He might be the nicest, sweetestperson I've ever encountered.
1055 00:42:08 How could you fire him?
1056 00:42:11 You want me to startat the beginning? I don't know.
1057 00:42:12 Maybe because he doesn'trespect boundaries.
1058 00:42:15 - He cares about you.- Oh, you just stop it.
1059 00:42:18 The man clipped my goddamntoenails one time...
1060 00:42:22 while I was in bed...with a woman.
1061 00:42:27 Exactly. Struggling, by the way,to perform.
1062 00:42:30 Had a lot on my mind,a lot on my mind.
1063 00:42:33 Brown gummy wormwas in full effect.
1064 00:42:35 - I don't want to know this.- Loose noodle.
1065 00:42:36 Call it what you want.I looked down.
1066 00:42:38 I see his face looking up at me.Now I got no shot.
1067 00:42:40 Okay, thank you for the context.
1068 00:42:43 Just giving you--giving you a play-by-play.
1069 00:42:45 But listen, when I go to set,it's me acting, right?
1070 00:42:50 But to get there, I've got reps,my dialect coach, my assistant.
1071 00:42:55 And then there'spersonal trainer,
1072 00:42:57 hair stylists, makeup artists.The-- the list goes on.
1073 00:43:00 And then there's family andfriends who have supported me
1074 00:43:04 and sacrificed for me.
1075 00:43:06 I'm sorry. I got lostin what you were saying
1076 00:43:08 'cause I felt it was bullshit.
1077 00:43:09 You have that, too, Kevin,and then some, okay?
1078 00:43:12 It's why you're a star.
1079 00:43:13 No, that's not true.
1080 00:43:15 I'm a star because I mademyself a star with this.
1081 00:43:19 Sure, yeah, that's the storyyou keep telling yourself,
1082 00:43:22 but you had help.
1083 00:43:24 Okay.
1084 00:43:26 Hey, how are you guys doing?
1085 00:43:27 [laughs] The pork chopsare smelling
1086 00:43:29 so much like shrimp right now,it's amazing.
1087 00:43:32 I got you a shirt, my man.
1088 00:43:33 I think it'll fit perfectly, okay?
1089 00:43:35 Do you see it?[Kevin] Nice.
1090 00:43:37 [Andre] Yeah,I made that myself.
1091 00:43:39 Okay, thank you for that.
1092 00:43:43 Ah, I wanted to ask you earlier,but I didn't get a chance to.
1093 00:43:45 Who's-- who's that?
1094 00:43:47 - This one?- Yeah.
1095 00:43:49 That's my dad.He's been gone a long time.
1096 00:43:53 - Really?- Yeah.
1097 00:43:54 Same.
1098 00:43:56 Hey, you know, my mom raised me.
1099 00:43:57 I know.
1100 00:43:59 Did your dad, uh,get a little afraid
1101 00:44:02 of parenthood and run off?
1102 00:44:03 It wasn't anythinglike that, actually.
1103 00:44:05 He was amazing.He was kind.
1104 00:44:07 Uh, he was gentle.
1105 00:44:08 By the way,Richard Pryor's assistant.
1106 00:44:11 Your dad is Rich...
1107 00:44:13 I guessyou could say assisting
1108 00:44:14 just runs in the family, right?
1109 00:44:15 Wow. That's legendary, man.
1110 00:44:17 - It is, right?- That's huge.
1111 00:44:19 It's huge,until it killed him.
1112 00:44:21 What do you mean?
1113 00:44:23 It's a big show, and crazy fangot through security.
1114 00:44:28 So my dad jumped inthe way of a knife
1115 00:44:31 that was meantfor Richard Pryor.
1116 00:44:32 [Kevin] You're playing.[Andre] No.
1117 00:44:34 - Cut him from the stomach--- What?
1118 00:44:36 Right up, back down.
1119 00:44:37 - What?- Killed my dad on the spot.
1120 00:44:39 Oh, my God, man.
1121 00:44:41 I can't.I can't process that.
1122 00:44:42 Neither could I. It was enormousfor our whole family.
1123 00:44:44 Why would somebodywant to kill Richard Pryor?
1124 00:44:48 Huh?
1125 00:44:50 Who?[Andre] Well, yeah, why?
1126 00:44:53 That's crazy, right?
1127 00:44:55 Yeah.I bet, by the way--
1128 00:44:56 I bet my dad, when hewas dying, was looking up
1129 00:44:58 and was like, Why would you dothis, or something like that.
1130 00:45:01 - Has to be, right?- Maybe, maybe. Maybe not.
1131 00:45:03 I mean, at that point,that's not what's important.
1132 00:45:04 Somebody tried to kill Richard.
1133 00:45:06 Right, my dad was already dead.
1134 00:45:07 The thing we gottaworry about is...
1135 00:45:08 - Who is this guy?- God's gonna do--
1136 00:45:10 Are there more of 'em?Yeah.
1137 00:45:11 - Okay? You can't rewrite that.- No.
1138 00:45:13 No, we can't.I tried to.
1139 00:45:14 God, I've beento so much therapy
1140 00:45:16 trying to rewrite that moment.What could I have done?
1141 00:45:19 I was a child, but maybe Icould have jumped in the way,
1142 00:45:20 or something like that.Yeah.
1143 00:45:23 On the bright side, though,if you think about it,
1144 00:45:25 he died doing what heloved the most, assisting.
1145 00:45:29 He was so happythat he brought joy
1146 00:45:31 to someone who brought joyto so many people.
1147 00:45:35 He taught me everysingle thing I knew.
1148 00:45:40 You know, man, maybe--
1149 00:45:42 Maybe I didn't mean to fire you.
1150 00:45:45 I think your exact words were,I didn't need a stunt man.
1151 00:45:49 I sure as helldon't need an assistant.
1152 00:45:51 You said it to me.You yelled it.
1153 00:45:53 And then you told meto get out of your car, right?
1154 00:45:56 Oh, no, you're absolutely--You're-- you're right.
1155 00:45:58 But I'm just saying,now, looking back,
1156 00:46:01 I'm saying, maybe I do--
1157 00:46:03 Maybe I still doneed an assistant.
1158 00:46:07 Oh, God. Alright?
1159 00:46:11 - I need you, too.- No--
1160 00:46:12 - I need you, too.- Not the same.
1161 00:46:15 - Oh, fuck.- Yeah.
1162 00:46:17 I have never been this hard.
1163 00:46:19 Alright, I'm gonnatell my mom.
1164 00:46:21 Mom, you'll never believe it!
1165 00:46:23 Congratulations.
1166 00:46:27 Something else, huh?
1167 00:46:30 [groans]
1168 00:46:35 [Jordan] I'm proud of you.- Shut up.
1169 00:46:38 You know, if you starttreating everyone
1170 00:46:40 in the Kevin Hart universewith that level of respect,
1171 00:46:42 I think you'll be happywith your life.
1172 00:46:45 You really aresomething else.
1173 00:46:47 I mean, you paint me outto be such a monster.
1174 00:46:48 Name one other person thatI have disrespected, just one.
1175 00:46:52 Give me one.
1176 00:46:56 I can absolutelyname someone.
1177 00:47:01 [Kevin] Hey, Jordan.- Yeah, hi.
1178 00:47:03 I just lookedat the call sheet.
1179 00:47:04 I didn't see yourstunt double on there.
1180 00:47:06 - Oh, I sent her home.- Why?
1181 00:47:08 Well, I grew up on motorcycles,and it's a simple one today.
1182 00:47:10 I just have to drivethrough the glass
1183 00:47:12 of a dry-cleaning businessbefore it explodes.
1184 00:47:13 Hold on, hold on, hold on.
1185 00:47:15 Simple for who? Who?Who's it simple for, you?
1186 00:47:19 Well, that's whatyou have Doug for?
1187 00:47:20 Do you know whatthis would look like if you go
1188 00:47:22 do all your own stuntsand I don't do mine?
1189 00:47:24 Do you know what peoplewill think of me?
1190 00:47:26 Uh, they'll thinkyou're an actor?
1191 00:47:28 And listen, I'm not jumpingoff the cliff.
1192 00:47:29 I'm not jumping outof a plane,
1193 00:47:31 and I ain't fighting noalligator for anyone.
1194 00:47:32 You don't thinkI can do my own stunts.
1195 00:47:34 You don't thinkI'm tough enough?
1196 00:47:35 That's what Doug is for,for exactly this thing.
1197 00:47:38 You think I need Doug?
1198 00:47:40 Absolutely.
1199 00:47:42 Maybe I don't.
1200 00:47:43 Maybe I don't need Doug.
1201 00:47:47 I think he just heard you.
1202 00:47:52 Hey, Doug.
1203 00:47:54 I'm gonna go talk to Doug.
1204 00:47:57 Kevin.
1205 00:47:58 [Kevin] Hey,there he is, my guy.
1206 00:48:02 Ooh, ooh, ooh!
1207 00:48:04 [laughs] You ain't gonnabelieve this shit.
1208 00:48:07 I'm talking to Jordan.
1209 00:48:09 I just found out Jordansent her stunt double home.
1210 00:48:11 You know what she trying to do.
1211 00:48:12 You know exactly whatshe trying to do.
1212 00:48:14 She trying to show me up,and I'm not gonna have that.
1213 00:48:16 I can't have that.I'm Kevin Hart, right?
1214 00:48:19 [laughs]
1215 00:48:21 So, here's the thing, right?
1216 00:48:23 Let's get intothis relationship
1217 00:48:25 'cause it's one of the bestthat I've ever had.
1218 00:48:26 How long you been with me, man?
1219 00:48:28 Damn, that long, huh?
1220 00:48:29 It's been a long time.
1221 00:48:31 I know you gonna be fine,
1222 00:48:32 and it's time for youto fly, right?
1223 00:48:34 So with that being said,uh, we're done.
1224 00:48:38 I-- I'm gonna go ahead and--
1225 00:48:40 Is "fired" the word, I guess?I guess it is "fired."
1226 00:48:43 So I'mma fire you, but in a,
1227 00:48:45 but in a dope wayto where we still cool.
1228 00:48:48 I-- I'm gonna go onand get ready.
1229 00:48:51 My guy!
1230 00:48:53 - It's stunt time.- Kevin, this is a terrible--
1231 00:48:55 [Kevin] It's stunt time!
1232 00:48:57 [Jordan] Listen, I'm nottrying to show you up.
1233 00:48:59 [Kevin] Hey!Enough, Jordan.
1234 00:49:01 It's all good,Mr. Action Star.
1235 00:49:08 [glass breaks]
1236 00:49:09 Now, you listen to me, alright?
1237 00:49:11 I've been in thisbusiness for goddamn--
1238 00:49:13 goddamn, how long?
1239 00:49:15 How long?
1240 00:49:17 You telling me thatmy goddamn reputation
1241 00:49:19 doesn't speak for myself?
1242 00:49:21 It fucking should!
1243 00:49:25 When-- when does Cap Four shoot?
1244 00:49:27 Does Mackie have a guy?
1245 00:49:29 He does. He gets it.
1246 00:49:30 Everybody's gota fucking guy, huh?
1247 00:49:32 What about Adam Driver?Now, you said he's billed. Huh?
1248 00:49:36 Listen, I can do work for him.
1249 00:49:38 I-- I can be Adam's driver, right?
1250 00:49:41 Yeah, no, listen,I'm serious about that.
1251 00:49:43 I don't give a fuck.I'll drive.
1252 00:49:45 I-- I'll be Adam's driverdriver driver if I have to.
1253 00:49:49 God damn it Scott!--Fuck you!
1254 00:49:52 [crying] I've been in the goddamnbusiness for years.
1255 00:49:55 [sniffles]
1256 00:49:57 [sobbing]
1257 00:50:00 [ominous music]
1258 00:50:30 [Kevin on TV] You know what?
1259 00:50:32 This is my me time.I really enjoy working.
1260 00:50:34 I find a lot of peace,happiness,
1261 00:50:37 and, uh, solace in creating.
1262 00:50:40 And now my creating isabout putting other people
1263 00:50:43 in positions to win,um, amplifying other careers
1264 00:50:46 and opportunities,not just me.
1265 00:50:48 So, hopefully,it continues to grow.
1266 00:50:50 [Kevin] I can't believethat my stuntman
1267 00:50:52 would do this to me.
1268 00:50:53 Ex-stuntman.
1269 00:50:55 No, I gotta dosomething about this-- Oh.
1270 00:50:58 Oh, whoa, whoa, Kevin.
1271 00:50:59 Uh-oh. Oh, no.Let mom look at this.
1272 00:51:01 Hold on. Oh.
1273 00:51:03 Oh, we gotta changethis dressing.
1274 00:51:04 Take him to the bedroom.
1275 00:51:06 - Prop him up.- Here we go.
1276 00:51:07 - Get some wet towels.- Here we go.
1277 00:51:08 Shouldn't he goto a hospital?
1278 00:51:10 No.I'll get him back on track.
1279 00:51:12 It's what I do.
1280 00:51:14 Wait, you're a doctor?
1281 00:51:15 [Cynthia]I'm better than a doctor.
1282 00:51:17 I'm a mom.
1283 00:51:19 Left, right, left, right.
1284 00:51:21 [groans]
1285 00:51:23 He's gonna be fine.
1286 00:51:24 My mom is a miracle-worker.
1287 00:51:27 How about you?Are you okay?
1288 00:51:28 Uh... Well, not really.This is my problem, too.
1289 00:51:31 Doug probably blames mefor losing his job.
1290 00:51:34 That's why he's put me inthis deadly little game of his,
1291 00:51:37 just for payback.
1292 00:51:38 Yeah.Okay, that's fine, then.
1293 00:51:40 When Kevin gets backto full health,
1294 00:51:41 he will think of anincredible plan for all of us.
1295 00:51:43 No, no, fuck that.We can't just sit here.
1296 00:51:45 We need to do something. We needto get to the bottom of this.
1297 00:51:48 Who is the personKevin trusts the most?
1298 00:51:50 - His agent.- Really?
1299 00:51:51 Yeah.
1300 00:51:53 Let's pay them a visit.
1301 00:51:55 Right now?We can't go right now.
1302 00:51:57 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Jordan, we can't go right now.
1303 00:51:59 [Andre] But what about this?What about this?
1304 00:52:01 You're famous, Jordan.You get in there,
1305 00:52:02 they're gonna recognize you.That's a problem.
1306 00:52:04 Second is, Doug actually thinksthat you're dead, right?
1307 00:52:07 - You blew up.- Shit, you're right.
1308 00:52:11 Oh, my God, I just thoughtof something amazing.
1309 00:52:13 Thank me.Thank me now.
1310 00:52:15 Let me hear it first?
1311 00:52:17 Smart.That's a smart move, okay?
1312 00:52:18 In the back, there's a disguise.
1313 00:52:20 I always keep a spare disguisefor Kevin in the back.
1314 00:52:21 Grab that bag real quick.
1315 00:52:23 - You have spare disguises?- Yes.
1316 00:52:25 I mean, sometimes Kevin likesto live anonymously, right?
1317 00:52:28 Whether he wants to go groceryshopping, feed the ducks,
1318 00:52:31 heckle a stranger.
1319 00:52:35 [scoffs]Yeah, I'm not wearing this.
1320 00:52:39 [Andre] Come on. Did you seeall of them real quick?
1321 00:52:41 Like this one right here, okay?This one right here--
1322 00:52:43 - Andre, the road!- I'm doing it.
1323 00:52:44 It's a hard leftwith my knees, baby.
1324 00:52:46 Look at this.
1325 00:52:48 [funky music]
1326 00:52:54 This is so embarrassing.
1327 00:52:57 We're lucky thatyou and Kevin are the same size,
1328 00:52:59 you know what I mean?
1329 00:53:01 Think about this as yourgreatest acting role to date.
1330 00:53:03 You got this.You got this!
1331 00:53:08 That's fantastic.Okay, and--
1332 00:53:09 [taps]
1333 00:53:11 Uh, we're here to see,ahem, Scott Hayman.
1334 00:53:15 Okay.
1335 00:53:19 And you are?
1336 00:53:20 Ronald Mondolvia III!
1337 00:53:23 A pleasure to meet you.
1338 00:53:25 And this is thewickedly talented--
1339 00:53:29 Bill. [clears throat]My name is Bill.
1340 00:53:33 Bill Mondolvia.We're both Mondolvians.
1341 00:53:36 This is my uncleon my mama's side.
1342 00:53:40 Shit-fuck, can this mancook a goose.
1343 00:53:47 What was all that before?
1344 00:53:48 Mondolvia...That's nobody's surname.
1345 00:53:50 What do you expect, okay?
1346 00:53:51 I couldn't concentrate.Your accent was fucking insane.
1347 00:53:54 - My accent?- Yes. "Blah, blah, blah."
1348 00:53:57 Okay, it wasn't great,but I mean--
1349 00:53:59 - My accent? I nailed my accent.- It doesn't matter.
1350 00:54:01 It doesn't matter,because there's no way
1351 00:54:03 they're letting us go backto see Kevin's agent, okay?
1352 00:54:05 They've probablyalready called security.
1353 00:54:07 So if security comes,
1354 00:54:08 we just pretend tobe Ronald and Bill Mondolvia,
1355 00:54:11 the very famousInstagram influencers
1356 00:54:13 who make unboxing videos.
1357 00:54:14 What is this?
1358 00:54:16 We unbox it, and it'sa smaller box, okay?
1359 00:54:17 No, no, no.She's going to the loo.
1360 00:54:20 I don't think that Billwould call it the loo.
1361 00:54:22 I feel likehe's more old-school.
1362 00:54:23 I feel like she'sabout to take a shit.
1363 00:54:27 [whispering] Play it cool.
1364 00:54:30 Like and subscribe, please!
1365 00:54:35 [whispering] Stop, stop, stop.Right there, right there.
1366 00:54:37 Right there,that's Kevin's agent.
1367 00:54:39 Who is he talking to?
1368 00:54:40 [laughing]
1369 00:54:42 How are you doing, man?
1370 00:54:44 It's not Kevin.
1371 00:54:46 [moaning]
1372 00:54:49 [Cynthia shushes]
1373 00:54:51 [water sloshing]
1374 00:54:52 Try not to move.
1375 00:54:54 Mr. Kevin Hart needsto regain his strength.
1376 00:54:57 [Kevin moans]
1377 00:54:58 As long as it takes,you'll be here in my house,
1378 00:55:04 listening to my stories,eating my Christmas pork chops.
1379 00:55:09 [Kevin moans]
1380 00:55:12 [Cynthia shushes]
1381 00:55:16 When my husband was woundedyears ago, I couldn't save him,
1382 00:55:20 but now I've got asecond chance with you,
1383 00:55:24 Kevin Hart, America's treasure.
1384 00:55:29 Cynthia's treasure.
1385 00:55:31 [ominous music]
1386 00:55:33 [phone ringing]
1387 00:55:35 [Cynthia on phone] Hello?
1388 00:55:36 Mom, mom, put Kevin on.
1389 00:55:38 [Cynthia on phone] I can't.He's sleeping.
1390 00:55:39 [Andre] It's an emergency.Put him on right now, mom.
1391 00:55:41 Come on, wake him up.
1392 00:55:43 [Kevin on phone] Hello?
1393 00:55:45 Are you here to rescue me?I think I've been poisoned.
1394 00:55:47 Kevin, listen upvery closely, okay?
1395 00:55:49 We've just been on a deep-cover
1396 00:55:50 reconnaissance mission,and we fucking nailed it.
1397 00:55:52 [Jordan] Doug is you.You've been replaced by Doug.
1398 00:55:54 [Kevin on phone] Wait, what?Replaced? I don't understand.
1399 00:55:56 That's because my mommyjust gave you
1400 00:55:58 a very low-dose narcotic.Don't worry about it.
1401 00:56:00 But when you come to,you have to understand
1402 00:56:02 that Doug is trying to convincepeople that he's you.
1403 00:56:05 He's fixed his teeth.He's changed his hair.
1404 00:56:07 I mean, his mannerisms...Oh, my God, he's-- he's you.
1405 00:56:11 [Kevin on phone] Yeah, well,he can't fool my staff.
1406 00:56:13 They'll know it's not me.
1407 00:56:15 They're my village.
1408 00:56:17 [people chanting "Kevin"]
1409 00:56:18 You get a raise.You get a raise.
1410 00:56:22 You get a raise.
1411 00:56:23 That's right, everybodygets a raise, huh?
1412 00:56:26 You know why?'Cause I'm Kevin.
1413 00:56:28 I'm Kevin!
1414 00:56:30 Sorry, Kevinis suddenly very tired.
1415 00:56:32 He needs his rest.[Jordan] No, no, no, no.
1416 00:56:34 [Andre on phone] Mom, no--[Cynthia] Bye.
1417 00:56:35 [Kevin moans]
1418 00:56:36 [Cynthia shushes]
1419 00:56:41 If Kevin wantsto get through to Doug,
1420 00:56:43 there's only one manhe can talk to, Mr. 206.
1421 00:56:48 I don't--Who's-- who's Mr. 206?
1422 00:56:50 [Jordan] He's a prettyfamous stuntman,
1423 00:56:51 and he's Doug's mentor.
1424 00:56:53 Okay. Okay, fine,then this is easy.
1425 00:56:55 We just take Kevinto see Mr. 206.
1426 00:56:57 [Jordan] We?Nope, no way.
1427 00:56:59 I will not be going to see 206.
1428 00:57:02 He is a complete psychopath.
1429 00:57:04 He nearly killed mein a stunt rehearsal
1430 00:57:06 and then tried tomake me apologize.
1431 00:57:07 Jordan, Jordan,Kevin needs you right now.
1432 00:57:09 [Jordan] He needs me?- He does, right now.
1433 00:57:11 [Jordan] Oh, I thought Kevindoesn't need anyone,
1434 00:57:12 until he needs everyone.
1435 00:57:15 Okay, fine, thenI'll take him to see Mr. 206.
1436 00:57:18 Why?This is Kevin's problem.
1437 00:57:20 You should just let himgo on his own.
1438 00:57:21 No. As long asI'm Kevin's assistant...
1439 00:57:24 [revs engine]
1440 00:57:26 he'll never drivehimself anywhere.
1441 00:57:31 - It's in neutral.- I am so sorry.
1442 00:57:32 We're slowing down.I was trying to go faster.
1443 00:57:34 We did the opposite.
1444 00:57:36 [birds chirping]
1445 00:57:49 I am so happy my mom was ableto nurse you back to health.
1446 00:57:52 What did you just say to me?
1447 00:57:53 The woman put drugsin my goddamn pork chop.
1448 00:57:56 - She tried to poison me.- She's amazing, right?
1449 00:57:59 Look at you now.Okay, come on, come on.
1450 00:58:01 So tell me,why do they call him 206?
1451 00:58:03 'Cause there's 206 bonesin the human body.
1452 00:58:06 They say, before he becamea mentor in the stunt game,
1453 00:58:08 that he broke everysingle one of 'em.
1454 00:58:09 Actually, no, it was 205.
1455 00:58:11 But then, on hislast day of filming,
1456 00:58:12 they say he broke the 206th one.
1457 00:58:13 What?Which one was that?
1458 00:58:15 Pinky toe, right foot, snapped.
1459 00:58:17 Goddamn.
1460 00:58:18 [knocking]
1461 00:58:19 [creaking]
1462 00:58:21 [Kevin] Uh, hello?
1463 00:58:26 Uh, 206?
1464 00:58:28 Hey, M-- Mr. Two HundredAnd Six?
1465 00:58:30 - It's 2-0-6.- Right.
1466 00:58:33 [Mr. 206] Sign saysno soliciting. Go away.
1467 00:58:36 Yeah, no, we-- we didn't seea sign. There's no sign.
1468 00:58:38 [Mr. 206] Who tookmy fucking sign?
1469 00:58:40 We didn't take it.
1470 00:58:41 Hey, either way,we're not here to solicit.
1471 00:58:43 We-- we're not selling anything.
1472 00:58:46 You don't even recognizemy voice. [laughs]
1473 00:58:48 You know who'sat the door right now?
1474 00:58:49 This is Kevin Hart,comedian, actor.
1475 00:58:53 I just told you... to go--
1476 00:58:57 Okay, okay, okay, okay.
1477 00:58:59 The fuck away!
1478 00:59:01 Hey! Shit!
1479 00:59:03 Come on, baby, it's me.
1480 00:59:05 - It's me.- It's Kevin Hart.
1481 00:59:10 Give me one good reasonwhy I shouldn't
1482 00:59:11 kill the both of you right now.
1483 00:59:13 Kevin's about to have a moviethat's gonna get him an Oscar.
1484 00:59:14 [Kevin] Well, okay.Wait, wait, wait. Your protege.
1485 00:59:17 We're here because of yourprotege, Doug Eubanks.
1486 00:59:19 What about him?
1487 00:59:21 Well, we-- we're here'cause he's losing his shit.
1488 00:59:24 Yeah, no, he's absolute--
1489 00:59:26 That's not true, 'causeyou don't deserve a lie.
1490 00:59:28 I'm not here to lie to you.
1491 00:59:30 I'm gonna be honestwith you, man.
1492 00:59:33 I screwed him over.
1493 00:59:34 I screwed him over,and I'm here because
1494 00:59:36 I want to make things right,and I can't do that
1495 00:59:37 without you, Mr. 206.
1496 00:59:47 Well, how do youlike your tea?
1497 00:59:49 Huh?
1498 00:59:51 [mystical music]
1499 01:00:05 Do I make you uncomfortable?
1500 01:00:06 No. I-- I'm just so nervousfor you, sir,
1501 01:00:08 because you got really hot tea,and it's just
1502 01:00:11 right above your balls, so--
1503 01:00:13 What are you doing?What are you--
1504 01:00:17 [pours tea]
1505 01:00:18 [Andre] Oh, my God,what the fuck?
1506 01:00:20 [Kevin] Oh, man, come on.- What the fuck?
1507 01:00:21 Come, on man.
1508 01:00:23 The ancient Babylonians believed
1509 01:00:24 that undergarmentswere a sign of weakness.
1510 01:00:28 I tend to agree.
1511 01:00:31 I respect that.
1512 01:00:33 I respect that.
1513 01:00:35 I just...
1514 01:00:38 [clears throat]
1515 01:00:41 I just want to,I wanna thank you
1516 01:00:44 for taking the time,'cause I know you didn't--
1517 01:00:45 Cut the compliments.Tell me why you're here.
1518 01:00:47 I, um, I knowyou're Doug's mentor, right?
1519 01:00:53 If there's anyonewho knows how he operates,
1520 01:00:54 how he thinks, it's...
1521 01:00:57 I need your help.
1522 01:01:04 Watch your eye.Watch your eye.
1523 01:01:11 Let's walk.
1524 01:01:14 Doug Eubanks is more thanjust a former student of mine.
1525 01:01:18 He's my friend, my confidant.
1526 01:01:22 Briefly, in 2003,he was my lover.
1527 01:01:25 Doug is the mostfearless stunt performer
1528 01:01:27 that I've ever trained.
1529 01:01:29 One time, he asked meto stab him with an ice pick
1530 01:01:31 'cause he neededto know how it felt so he could
1531 01:01:33 replicate that reactionwhen the cameras are rolling.
1532 01:01:34 - Did you do it?- With pleasure.
1533 01:01:37 As a stuntman,you embrace pain,
1534 01:01:39 lay your life on the linefor your actor
1535 01:01:41 every day you step on set.
1536 01:01:42 And occasionally,an actor says thanks.
1537 01:01:46 Sometimes they don't say thanks.
1538 01:01:48 Sometimes they just fire youwithout warning 'cause
1539 01:01:49 all of a sudden they thinkthey're John fucking Rambo,
1540 01:01:51 but they're nothing but alittle bitch with a giant ego.
1541 01:01:54 Yeah, yeah. So, hey, are yougonna talk to him for me?
1542 01:01:56 [laughs]
1543 01:01:58 Actors talk.
1544 01:02:00 Stuntmen... stunt.
1545 01:02:04 You're gonna have to fight Doug,and you're gonna lose.
1546 01:02:09 Well, shit, then why are you--
1547 01:02:10 Why are you eventalking to me, then?
1548 01:02:12 Only reason I'm talking to you
1549 01:02:13 is 'cause every personis trapped
1550 01:02:15 in a story of their own design,and I know the exact story
1551 01:02:17 you're trapped in.
1552 01:02:18 Yeah, it's a revenge story.
1553 01:02:19 It's not revenge.
1554 01:02:21 It's redemption.
1555 01:02:23 No, I'm pretty sureit's revenge.
1556 01:02:26 What do you really want?
1557 01:02:29 I want my life back.I want to defeat Doug.
1558 01:02:31 Defeat Doug?Doug's the enemy.
1559 01:02:34 Doug's the bad guy?You're the good guy?
1560 01:02:36 I just want to make sureI'm hearing this right.
1561 01:02:37 Okay, maybewe're both bad guys.
1562 01:02:40 No, Kevin.
1563 01:02:44 You're both good guys.
1564 01:02:50 Did you hear that?
1565 01:02:51 Yeah, I'm tryingto figure it out.
1566 01:02:55 He fucked Doug.
1567 01:02:57 I didn't hear that.What?
1568 01:02:59 He fucked Doug.
1569 01:03:00 I didn't catch that.I was--
1570 01:03:02 Right at the top, he said it.Right over there, he said--
1571 01:03:04 No. I saw a ladybug.I gotta--
1572 01:03:06 So that means he's kindof fucked you before.
1573 01:03:07 [Kevin] No, no.Wait a minute, no, he hasn't.
1574 01:03:13 This is my dojo.
1575 01:03:18 Well, it kind oflooks like a bunch of trees
1576 01:03:19 if you ask me, but alright.
1577 01:03:21 - Goodness gracious.- Excuse me.
1578 01:03:24 - Sorry.- Coming through.
1579 01:03:25 - Yep. Yep. Sorry.- Coming through.
1580 01:03:28 You've reallygotta share the trail, guys.
1581 01:03:29 - It's our fault.- Sorry.
1582 01:03:31 We didn't even knowit was a trail, to be honest.
1583 01:03:32 I had no idea.
1584 01:03:35 So this is where you're gonnatrain me to face Doug, huh?
1585 01:03:38 Let me explainsomething to you.
1586 01:03:40 Stuntman's Creed,be thy actor.
1587 01:03:43 Every role you ever trainedfor, Doug trained harder.
1588 01:03:46 Every martial artyou supposedly learn,
1589 01:03:48 Doug learned it for real.
1590 01:03:49 He had to, 'cause whenthe cameras were rolling,
1591 01:03:52 it was his ass on the line,not yours, sitting
1592 01:03:54 in video village,sipping lattes,
1593 01:03:56 eating sushi off of nude models.
1594 01:03:58 Hey. First of all,I got a bad case of pinkeye.
1595 01:04:00 I learned my lesson.
1596 01:04:02 Hasn't happened since.
1597 01:04:03 You never appreciated Doug.
1598 01:04:05 Actors never do.
1599 01:04:07 Anyway, I recently learned that
1600 01:04:09 there's a lot of people thatI may have underappreciated.
1601 01:04:13 [Mr. 206] Good, Kevin.
1602 01:04:15 That's growth.
1603 01:04:17 - See that branch up there?- Yeah.
1604 01:04:19 Climb that tree,crawl out to that branch,
1605 01:04:21 and give me a deaddrop to the ground.
1606 01:04:23 [mystical music]
1607 01:04:25 Uh, how am I supposed to--
1608 01:04:28 You want to knowhow Doug thinks?
1609 01:04:30 You want to knowhow he operates?
1610 01:04:31 You must see the worldas he sees it,
1611 01:04:33 without fear,without hesitation.
1612 01:04:39 I'm a little scared, though.
1613 01:04:40 I'm just gonna throwthat out there.
1614 01:04:42 - It's not like I'm--- I volunteer as tribute.
1615 01:04:44 Damn right you do.
1616 01:04:47 This is Kevin's journey.That's his dead-drop branch.
1617 01:04:49 No, that's whatyou don't understand.
1618 01:04:50 You know why?Because what's Kevin's is mine.
1619 01:04:52 - Well--- Well, right.
1620 01:04:53 I mean, not yourmaterial wealth.
1621 01:04:55 - Of course, or your income.- No.
1622 01:04:56 - Or your success.- No.
1623 01:04:57 Or your rare collection of cars,which are amazing.
1624 01:04:59 - No.- Right, none of that.
1625 01:05:00 But his pain, his anguish--
1626 01:05:03 Basically, anything that's bad,anything that's bad--
1627 01:05:05 that's mine, too.That is my journey.
1628 01:05:11 - What?- Brother.
1629 01:05:17 Oh my gosh.
1630 01:05:19 [coughing]
1631 01:05:20 What's happening, guys?
1632 01:05:22 Guys, this don't lookgood from the back.
1633 01:05:24 What's going on?
1634 01:05:26 [grunting]
1635 01:05:28 [screaming]
1636 01:05:37 Kevin, you can'tcompete with Doug...
1637 01:05:40 but you clearly have the onething he will never have.
1638 01:05:45 You have a sidekick.
1639 01:05:47 Andre?No, Andre is my--
1640 01:05:50 Andre's like my--What would you call it?
1641 01:05:51 [indistinct chatter]
1642 01:05:53 No, no, no. No, no.
1643 01:05:54 - I'm his--- Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.
1644 01:05:56 Andre's your what?I want you to say it.
1645 01:05:58 Well, he was gonna say it, too.
1646 01:06:00 No, no, he's right there.Andre's your what?
1647 01:06:01 You don't have to do this, man.
1648 01:06:03 He's your what?
1649 01:06:04 Well, he's my assistant,my assistant.
1650 01:06:05 [gibbers] He's your--
1651 01:06:07 - He's--- Say it.
1652 01:06:09 Andre's my--He's my sidekick.
1653 01:06:10 - Say it.- He's-- Andre's my sidekick.
1654 01:06:12 [Mr. 206] Say it.[Kevin] He's my sidekick.
1655 01:06:14 [Mr. 206] Yeah,I need you to say it.
1656 01:06:15 Okay.Andre-- Andre is my sidekick.
1657 01:06:17 God damn it, Kevin,I need you to
1658 01:06:18 fucking say it!
1659 01:06:19 And I need youto believe it
1660 01:06:21 deep down in your fucking bones.
1661 01:06:22 Andre-- Andre is my sidekick!
1662 01:06:26 - Huh?- I said, Andre is my sidekick!
1663 01:06:28 Who's your sidekick?
1664 01:06:30 I said,Andre is my sidekick!
1665 01:06:31 [Andre] I'm your sidekick!- Andre is my si--
1666 01:06:35 I'm your sidekick!
1667 01:06:38 What's happening to me, man?
1668 01:06:40 [Mr. 206]It's growth, Kevin.
1669 01:06:42 Growth hurts.
1670 01:06:45 That's a pain that no doublecan take for you.
1671 01:06:50 You see, Kevin, you came hereseeking a mentor, but it's you.
1672 01:06:55 You are the mentor.
1673 01:06:59 Hell yeah.
1674 01:07:03 [Mr. 206] You know what?You know what?
1675 01:07:04 You two... take this moment, talk.
1676 01:07:08 Talk over your new bond.
1677 01:07:11 I'm gonna go get my tea.
1678 01:07:17 [Andre] What a fucking day.
1679 01:07:19 [laughs] I mean,now that I'm essentially,
1680 01:07:22 I've been deputizedas your sidekick,
1681 01:07:24 I have an idea for Doug.We could work together on this.
1682 01:07:26 We gotta get close to him, okay?
1683 01:07:27 We don't have to record himor anything like...
1684 01:07:29 What's wrong?What's wrong?
1685 01:07:31 [ominous music]
1686 01:07:32 That scar on his hand.
1687 01:07:34 Yeah?
1688 01:07:36 I think I recognize that scar.
1689 01:07:38 [door opens]
1690 01:07:50 [engine turns over]
1691 01:07:52 [engine roars]
1692 01:08:04 [upbeat music]
1693 01:08:13 [phone ringing]
1694 01:08:14 [Guard on intercom] We don'thave any scheduled deliveries.
1695 01:08:16 Please turn around.
1696 01:08:17 Hey, pal, I got a hot date
1697 01:08:19 with my old lady in 30 minutes,meatball sub night,
1698 01:08:22 and all’s I knows isI got a package
1699 01:08:25 from Debra Simon at the studio.
1700 01:08:27 Now, I can either leave it here,or I can take it home,
1701 01:08:29 but you gotta tell mewhat you want me to do.
1702 01:08:34 [Guard on intercom] Go ahead.
1703 01:08:36 That's what I thought.I'll see you in a bit. Up, up!
1704 01:08:40 Okay.
1705 01:08:42 Hey, Ronald Mondolvia, MondolviaPlumbing, license and bonded.
1706 01:08:47 You know, some guysare licensed, not bonded.
1707 01:08:49 Other guys, they're bonded,not licensed.
1708 01:08:51 Me, I'm both licensedand bonded.
1709 01:08:53 Debra Simon sent a plumber?
1710 01:08:55 Not a plumber, my man.The plumber.
1711 01:08:57 I can plumb anything with pipes.Fuck it.
1712 01:08:59 Sometimes I don'teven need pipes.
1713 01:09:00 One time I plumbeda manila envelope.
1714 01:09:02 Water was spoutingfucking everywhere.
1715 01:09:04 - It was insane.- So what's in the van?
1716 01:09:05 Oh, my God.
1717 01:09:07 Hold on to your fuckingbeautiful, beautiful balls
1718 01:09:09 because this, my man--
1719 01:09:11 [knocks]
1720 01:09:12 It's a commode.
1721 01:09:13 Imported Italian marble,beautiful one-piece
1722 01:09:16 construction, 12-speed bidet.
1723 01:09:18 We got a littleair fryer on the right.
1724 01:09:20 You want to cook, eat,circle of life, shitting,
1725 01:09:21 eating at the same time,there's only a couple
1726 01:09:23 of these in the entire world.
1727 01:09:24 This, my friend,probably one of the best
1728 01:09:26 presents in the universe.
1729 01:09:27 So can you, you know, eh?
1730 01:09:34 [vocalizes]
1731 01:09:39 You gonna help me fuckingbring it in, or no?
1732 01:09:40 Alright, fuck it, whatever.[Andre] Yeah, okay.
1733 01:09:42 I'll supervise.Pick it up.
1734 01:09:45 Use your back.
1735 01:09:47 Whoa, big boy.Big boy coming through.
1736 01:09:48 Big boy coming through.Big boy.
1737 01:09:50 Okay, Andre hasthe guard's attention.
1738 01:09:51 Okay.
1739 01:09:53 You sure you're ready for this?
1740 01:09:54 In our family, if anA-list actor is in trouble,
1741 01:09:57 we don't stand quietly by.
1742 01:09:59 We fight,and if we must, we die.
1743 01:10:05 Wow, well, the worldcould use more people like...
1744 01:10:08 Wait, what is your last name?
1745 01:10:09 Oh, Mondolvia.
1746 01:10:15 Where the helldoes this thing go?
1747 01:10:17 Oh, that is themillion-dollar question, huh?
1748 01:10:20 Let me think about this.
1749 01:10:22 Well, you could powder-room it,show it off like a prize pony,
1750 01:10:25 or you put it in the main bath.
1751 01:10:28 Keep all that for yourself, hmm?
1752 01:10:30 Now, there's athird option, alright?
1753 01:10:32 Listen up closely 'causethis one's fucking insane.
1754 01:10:35 You can put the commoderight here,
1755 01:10:37 smack dab in the middleof the living room,
1756 01:10:40 and you take a big,greasy shit right here,
1757 01:10:42 look everybodyright in the eyes,
1758 01:10:44 make them wonderwhat your deal is.
1759 01:10:46 And I know whatyou're thinking, holy shit,
1760 01:10:48 that's aggressive, right?
1761 01:10:50 But they'll respectthe shit out of you.
1762 01:10:51 Wait a minute,don't I know you?
1763 01:10:53 Don't you know?Don't you know?
1764 01:10:55 [yells] Yeah, boop,boop, boop, boop.
1765 01:10:57 Yeah, yeah.Oh, you know what it is?
1766 01:10:59 Isn't this the placeyou took a shit
1767 01:11:00 so big up therethat people thought there
1768 01:11:01 was a dog loose in the pipes?
1769 01:11:03 How the hell amI gonna take a shit--
1770 01:11:04 Man, what are you talking about?No.
1771 01:11:06 - Wasn't that you?- No.
1772 01:11:07 - No?- A dog in the pipes?
1773 01:11:09 [Andre] Maybe itwas a dachshund.
1774 01:11:10 Looked like a dachshund,your big--
1775 01:11:11 [fireworks exploding]
1776 01:11:13 - Oh, no, is that the dog?- Wait right here.
1777 01:11:14 I'll deal with you in a minute.
1778 01:11:16 Yeah, I'm gonna wait right herein New York City,
1779 01:11:18 you know what I mean?
1780 01:11:21 Kevin?Kevin, are you okay, baby?
1781 01:11:22 Everything wentincredible up here.
1782 01:11:24 You alright?[Kevin] Yeah, I'm alright.
1783 01:11:25 Sweating my goddamnass off, though.
1784 01:11:28 Jesus Christ, how youain't cut no holes in here?
1785 01:11:30 Let's get you out of hereand kick some fucking ass.
1786 01:11:31 What do you say, huh?[Kevin] Alright, come on.
1787 01:11:33 - Let's go.- Yes!
1788 01:11:36 [fireworks whistling]
1789 01:11:49 - What are you doing?- Funny story.
1790 01:11:51 You're gonna loseyour goddamn mind.
1791 01:11:52 I drilled this puppya little bit too hard.
1792 01:11:56 I can't get it out withoutthe aid of some tools.
1793 01:11:58 So give me a second.I'm gonna grab some tools.
1794 01:12:00 I'll be right back.Okay, talk soon.
1795 01:12:02 Hey, Andre,you better stop playing.
1796 01:12:04 Seriously, man.Andre?
1797 01:12:06 [knocks]Andre?
1798 01:12:09 [fireworks whistling]
1799 01:12:16 Hey, were those fireworks?
1800 01:12:19 I live next door,at the Mondolvia estate.
1801 01:12:22 Did you set those off?You know that that is illegal.
1802 01:12:25 They're not ours.I don't know who set these off.
1803 01:12:28 Well, it scaredthe bejesus out of me,
1804 01:12:30 and I have a pacemaker.
1805 01:12:32 What do you have tosay for yourself?
1806 01:12:34 Look, lady, I told you,they're not my fireworks,
1807 01:12:36 and I didn't shit in any pipes!
1808 01:12:38 What?
1809 01:12:39 [electricity crackling]
1810 01:12:44 That's for Andre.
1811 01:12:51 [Kevin knocks]
1812 01:12:52 [Kevin] Andre?
1813 01:12:54 [knocks]
1814 01:12:55 Andre?Come on, man, I'm serious.
1815 01:12:59 There you go.What took you so long?
1816 01:13:00 Where you go?Leaving me in this box
1817 01:13:03 with all that goddamn quiet.Don't do that.
1818 01:13:05 [chainsaw starts]
1819 01:13:07 The fuck is that?
1820 01:13:09 Hey.
1821 01:13:10 [chainsaw revs]
1822 01:13:12 Andre, that's a chainsaw?Okay, hold on.
1823 01:13:13 Wait, wait, wait.
1824 01:13:15 [shouting indiscernibly]
1825 01:13:17 Okay, okay, okay,okay, okay, okay.
1826 01:13:19 Slow it down.Slow it down. Slow it down!
1827 01:13:22 You're gonna cutmy fucking head!
1828 01:13:23 You're gonna cut my head!
1829 01:13:25 No more chainsaw.No more chainsaw!
1830 01:13:29 No more chainsaw, okay?
1831 01:13:31 Jesus Christ.
1832 01:13:33 Shit.What the fuck, Andre?
1833 01:13:35 Oh, shit.Oh, oh, oh, shit.
1834 01:13:40 On behalfof stunt actors everywhere,
1835 01:13:42 I'm excited to say,this is your day of reckoning!
1836 01:13:47 [laughs maniacally]
1837 01:13:49 Hold up!
1838 01:13:51 Trying to tell me a big oldstunt legend like yourself
1839 01:13:52 need a chainsaw?
1840 01:13:55 Huh?
1841 01:13:59 That's what the fuckI'm talking about. Two men.
1842 01:14:01 How about two dogs in a bowl?I want to eat.
1843 01:14:04 [barking]
1844 01:14:06 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1845 01:14:08 Oh, you got a knife.
1846 01:14:09 Big old man like yourself,stunt legend,
1847 01:14:13 you need a knifefor little old me?
1848 01:14:15 That's what you need?
1849 01:14:16 Fuck it.
1850 01:14:18 I'll kill you with my hands.[Kevin] What?
1851 01:14:19 [hyperventilating]
1852 01:14:25 Yeah, you know thisain't go too good for you
1853 01:14:27 in that little, shitty hallway.
1854 01:14:30 Man, Jordan whooped your ass.
1855 01:14:32 Mask I was wearing was 100percent polyester, unbreathable.
1856 01:14:35 Sweating into my contacts.
1857 01:14:37 Hell, a child couldhave kicked my ass.
1858 01:14:38 Oh, that's a realelaborate excuse,
1859 01:14:40 don't you think?Superman punch!
1860 01:14:45 Oh, shit!
1861 01:14:47 Ah, shit.
1862 01:14:53 [bones crack]
1863 01:14:55 Shit. Andre!
1864 01:14:57 Andre, do the sidekick stuff!
1865 01:14:59 I made all that shit upabout your sidekick.
1866 01:15:02 You think I'd help you?
1867 01:15:04 You think I'd put a greedy,unappreciative,
1868 01:15:07 overrated actor over a stuntman?
1869 01:15:09 [laughs] I just thoughtit'd be fun to give you
1870 01:15:12 some false hope before you died.
1871 01:15:15 [screams] Shit!Yo, you gonna break my arm!
1872 01:15:18 Yeah, and every otherone of the 206 bones
1873 01:15:20 in your body,and then I'm gonna eat your ass.
1874 01:15:23 I knew it.I knew you were a ass-eater.
1875 01:15:25 [Kevin cries]
1876 01:15:28 [grunting]
1877 01:15:32 Oh, hey.[Kevin] I'll stab you.
1878 01:15:33 Cute knife.What are you gonna do with that?
1879 01:15:34 You gonna hurt me with that?Huh, huh?
1880 01:15:38 No, but she is.
1881 01:15:43 Oh, shit.
1882 01:15:46 Oh, you got him.
1883 01:15:47 It's...Okay.
1884 01:15:48 Um, holy shit.
1885 01:15:51 Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.Hey, hey, hey.
1886 01:15:53 Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey,look at me. Look at me.
1887 01:15:55 Eyes. You good.
1888 01:15:58 Thirsty.
1889 01:16:00 - You what?- Th-- thirsty.
1890 01:16:02 Well, get yousomething to drink.
1891 01:16:06 You fucking threwa knife in his head.
1892 01:16:08 I didn't know what else to do.I meant for his shoulder.
1893 01:16:11 How did you meanfor his shoulder?
1894 01:16:13 Fucking size of the fireplace.
1895 01:16:14 That's him.
1896 01:16:19 He's awake.It's a good sign.
1897 01:16:20 It's a good thing.Look, he's fine. He's fine.
1898 01:16:22 [Kevin] What are you talking,he's fine?
1899 01:16:24 [Jordan] I mean, he's...
1900 01:16:26 He's a fucking zombie.What do you mean, he's fine?
1901 01:16:28 [Cynthia] Oh, god,he's gonna burn himself.
1902 01:16:31 He's gonna get a burn onhis hand or something.
1903 01:16:33 It's not reallythe worst thing
1904 01:16:34 that could happen to himat this point.
1905 01:16:35 [Jordan] That's true.- Oh.
1906 01:16:37 Hey!There he is.
1907 01:16:38 How you doing, man?
1908 01:16:41 Jesus Christ.
1909 01:16:44 - He's okay.- He's just taking a nap.
1910 01:16:46 He's not dead.He's fine.
1911 01:16:47 - He's okay?- Yeah.
1912 01:16:49 Wait, where's Andre?
1913 01:16:51 Where's my sweet boy?
1914 01:16:53 [Doug] Don't you worry,'cause I found him.
1915 01:16:56 [Andre] Alright, I'm sorry.
1916 01:16:58 I made an oopsie-daisy.I got captured.
1917 01:17:01 I thought I heard your voice,but it wasn't your voice.
1918 01:17:03 It was his voice. I'm the worstsidekick in the world.
1919 01:17:04 - Hey, shut up.- I'm gonna shut up.
1920 01:17:06 - Shut up.- I'm gonna shut up.
1921 01:17:07 You hurt one hairon my son's head,
1922 01:17:10 I swear to God,motherfucker,
1923 01:17:12 I will split youfrom chin to balls.
1924 01:17:16 - Who the fuck are you?- That's my mom.
1925 01:17:17 I love you, mom.If I die, I love you in heaven.
1926 01:17:19 What the hell isyour mother doing here, boy?
1927 01:17:21 I'm here for moral support,and I love him.
1928 01:17:24 [Andre] I love you, mom.
1929 01:17:26 But I will fuck you up!
1930 01:17:28 - Try me!- Mom--
1931 01:17:29 I love you.
1932 01:17:31 How come y'alldon't have no guns?
1933 01:17:33 'Cause we're not hereto kill anybody, Doug.
1934 01:17:34 Oh.Oh, is that right?
1935 01:17:37 Then where's Mr. 206 at?
1936 01:17:40 He's... making breakfast.
1937 01:17:47 [crying] This is afucking joke to you.
1938 01:17:51 It's a fucking joke to you.
1939 01:17:53 [crying]
1940 01:17:55 Shut your ass up.Fuck you crying for?
1941 01:17:57 - 'Cause I can feel your--- That man was my mentor.
1942 01:18:02 He was my muse, my rock.
1943 01:18:06 And in 2003,for a brief period
1944 01:18:07 where I was confused aboutmy sexuality, he was my lover.
1945 01:18:10 - Okay.- Sounds like a very special--
1946 01:18:12 Shut your ass up. Don't--
1947 01:18:13 [Kevin] Hey, hey, hey,listen to me.
1948 01:18:15 Doug, we are sorryfor your loss, man.
1949 01:18:17 - So sorry.- We're sorry.
1950 01:18:19 Oh. Oh, you're sorry, huh?Hmm?
1951 01:18:23 See, y'all area bunch of brainiacs.
1952 01:18:25 I thought I had all you dead
1953 01:18:27 in that goddamnbusiness offices, I did.
1954 01:18:29 [Kevin] Alright, Doug.
1955 01:18:30 Doug, listen to me.Don't you hurt him, man.
1956 01:18:33 You hear me?Don't hurt him.
1957 01:18:35 [Doug] Oh, 'cause you careall of a sudden, hm?
1958 01:18:38 All of a sudden, you gota fucking heart, Tin Man?
1959 01:18:41 You don't care about nothing.
1960 01:18:43 This man ain't nothingbut an employee of yours,
1961 01:18:46 which means he's disposable.Ain't that right? Hmm?
1962 01:18:49 [Kevin] That's not true.
1963 01:18:51 The man is the completeopposite of that.
1964 01:18:54 - Andre is 34 years old.- 35.
1965 01:18:57 He's left-handed.
1966 01:18:58 Right-handed.
1967 01:19:00 Afraid of scorpions.
1968 01:19:01 [Andre] I love scorpions.
1969 01:19:03 He won a sixth-gradespelling bee.
1970 01:19:05 I got fourth place.
1971 01:19:06 He memorized everysingle line of House Party,
1972 01:19:08 both Kid's and Play's.
1973 01:19:09 - You did that.- I did do that.
1974 01:19:10 That is me.
1975 01:19:12 Andre is the one manthat I cannot live without.
1976 01:19:15 [Andre] I'm with you,ride or die,
1977 01:19:17 although I was hopingfor a little bit
1978 01:19:19 more ride and a little less die.
1979 01:19:20 I think I'm gonna die,like, really soon.
1980 01:19:22 - Enough, enough.- I'm gonna shut up.
1981 01:19:23 Doug, now stop it.
1982 01:19:26 You don't even want him, man.
1983 01:19:27 You want me.I'm the one who messed up.
1984 01:19:30 I'm the one that threw you outlike Tuesday's trash
1985 01:19:33 and left you on the sideof the goddamn curb
1986 01:19:35 without the blink of an eye.I did that.
1987 01:19:38 You want me,not him, so let him go.
1988 01:19:42 Let him go and take me.
1989 01:19:44 That's what you want?You want me to let him go?
1990 01:19:46 Hmm? Say it.Say it again.
1991 01:19:48 I want you to let him go.
1992 01:19:50 - Mama, how about you?- Please let him go.
1993 01:19:52 [Doug] Let him go, huh?[Andre] Will you let me go?
1994 01:19:53 You want me to let you go?
1995 01:19:54 Please, Doug.That'd be so nice.
1996 01:19:56 Everybody telling meto let you go.
1997 01:19:57 I should just let you go.Hey, mama, I'm gonna let him go.
1998 01:19:59 - Thank you.- Make sure you watch, hmm?
1999 01:20:01 - You watching?- Thank you.
2000 01:20:02 - Now get your ass--- Ah!
2001 01:20:04 [Kevin] Oh, shit!- Oh, no.
2002 01:20:06 Oh, my, he let go.He literally let go.
2003 01:20:09 - Yeah, I let him go good.- Doug, this ends now.
2004 01:20:12 [Doug] Oh, well, that's okaywith me, Little Boots.
2005 01:20:16 [gunfire]
2006 01:20:17 You want to do it the hard way?
2007 01:20:20 Then let's do it the hard way, motherfucker.
2008 01:20:24 I got your ass.
2009 01:20:28 [whimpering]Honey, oh...
2010 01:20:30 My baby's alive!
2011 01:20:31 [Kevin] He's alive.[Cynthia] He's alive.
2012 01:20:33 I'm okay.I'm fine, I'm fine.
2013 01:20:34 The table actuallybroke my fall. Did you see me?
2014 01:20:37 That was the dead dropI never got to do in the woods.
2015 01:20:40 That was my tributeto you, Kevin.
2016 01:20:41 Hey, come on.Let's get you up.
2017 01:20:43 [groans]
2018 01:20:44 [Jordan] Take it easy.
2019 01:20:46 Okay, we gotta get him--Oh, my God.
2020 01:20:47 What happened?What's going on?
2021 01:20:48 [Cynthia] Nothing.
2022 01:20:50 [Jordan] A tiny, tiny bitof the table just--
2023 01:20:52 Where is it?What part of it?
2024 01:20:54 [clamoring]
2025 01:20:55 [Kevin] Don't touch it.
2026 01:20:56 - Listen, listen.- Why, why, why?
2027 01:20:58 Don't touch it. It's nothing.It's nothing crazy.
2028 01:20:59 It's a little splinter.It's fine.
2029 01:21:01 Get the tweezers.Let's get it out.
2030 01:21:03 Why are you holding me back?
2031 01:21:05 - Get it out!- Stop fiddling with it.
2032 01:21:06 [Kevin] Yeah, stop for us.[Cynthia] Come on.
2033 01:21:07 Let's go get himto a hospital.
2034 01:21:09 It feels like something'sin my kidney, right?
2035 01:21:11 - When I walk, at least.- Come on.
2036 01:21:12 [Andre moaning]
2037 01:21:13 Okay. Jesus.
2038 01:21:15 [dramatic music]
2039 01:21:17 What the hell is that?
2040 01:21:19 Oh, I installedcustomizable lights in here,
2041 01:21:21 but you never had timeto learn how to use 'em.
2042 01:21:23 [Doug] All them yearsI was your stuntman, Kevin.
2043 01:21:29 Get him to the hospital, mom.
2044 01:21:30 - Jordan, come with me.- Okay, be careful.
2045 01:21:32 Come on, honey.Help me out.
2046 01:21:34 [Doug] See, Kevin, it wasn't
2047 01:21:35 just taking fallsand getting kicked in the face
2048 01:21:38 and getting set on fire. Uh-uh.
2049 01:21:41 That's not all I was doingto make you look good.
2050 01:21:44 You rememberJustice Squad Part Two?
2051 01:21:48 You decided to gain30 pounds for the part.
2052 01:21:52 That meant that I had to gain30 pounds, too, Kevin.
2053 01:21:56 I'm a freaking diabetic,you selfish fuck.
2054 01:21:58 - I almost put myself in a coma.- Okay, hey.
2055 01:22:00 Hey, Doug, easy, alright?
2056 01:22:03 I'm sorry, man.I made a mistake.
2057 01:22:05 Shut your ass up.[Andre] Mom, no.
2058 01:22:07 Mom, no. Mom, no.Mom, I can't leave.
2059 01:22:09 No, I'm not gonnalet you die.
2060 01:22:11 - I'm not losing another.- Mom, mom, listen, okay?
2061 01:22:14 Look at me.
2062 01:22:15 I-- I know you wishyou could have saved dad.
2063 01:22:18 [sobs] Yeah.
2064 01:22:19 I know, I know,but this is different.
2065 01:22:21 I'm not just Kevin's assistant.
2066 01:22:23 I'm his sidekick,and you want to know
2067 01:22:26 the first rule of sidekick?
2068 01:22:28 - Do no harm?- No.
2069 01:22:30 That's doctor's, mom.
2070 01:22:32 The first rule of sidekickis there is no sidekick.
2071 01:22:34 That's "Fight Club," mom.
2072 01:22:35 You know that.Brad Pitt's in that.
2073 01:22:36 Ed Norton's in that, Mom!
2074 01:22:38 Just tell me, then.
2075 01:22:39 [Kevin] Okay, listen to me,and listen good, man.
2076 01:22:41 Back when I was a sidekick,I was always jealous
2077 01:22:44 of the lead actorand all the glory they got.
2078 01:22:46 And I told myself, Doug,
2079 01:22:48 I said, when I becomea lead actor,
2080 01:22:50 I'm gonna get that same glory.I want it.
2081 01:22:51 I want to taste that.And I did.
2082 01:22:55 But when I tasted it,I handled it wrong.
2083 01:22:56 I was selfish.I was stupid, man.
2084 01:22:59 And now I realize how muchI need my village.
2085 01:23:01 And, Doug, you're a partof that village, okay?
2086 01:23:05 I need you.I fucking need you, man.
2087 01:23:07 Give me a chanceto make it up to you.
2088 01:23:10 Give me a chance to prove to youthat this is what I want,
2089 01:23:14 that-- that I want you,I need you.
2090 01:23:17 How about I give you the chance
2091 01:23:18 to suck my dick, hmm?
2092 01:23:20 I'm living the life, boy.
2093 01:23:22 I'm in your goddamn mansion.
2094 01:23:25 Hmm? I live here.
2095 01:23:27 I got your career.
2096 01:23:29 Your agents love me.
2097 01:23:31 Them boys love me good, got me apart in a movie and everything.
2098 01:23:33 I'm about to be Chuckyin the new Child's Play.
2099 01:23:35 - You took that shit?- Step back.
2100 01:23:36 Get back before I goddamnskin your fucking lip.
2101 01:23:39 And I signed upfor a new Woody Allen movie.
2102 01:23:42 Can't wait to seethe press around that.
2103 01:23:44 [laughs wheezily]
2104 01:23:45 No, no, no, no.Come on, come on, come on.
2105 01:23:48 Come on, wake up. Wake up.Come on.
2106 01:23:49 [cries out] What?What's happening?
2107 01:23:53 I think what you were
2108 01:23:55 about to do was to tryto convince me that even though
2109 01:23:58 you've been impaled bya large piece of
2110 01:24:02 restoration hardware,you want to go back in there
2111 01:24:05 and fight some lunatic
2112 01:24:07 who is physically superiorto you in every possible way
2113 01:24:12 because you're notjust his sidekick.
2114 01:24:15 You're his best friend.
2115 01:24:19 You're goddamn right I am.
2116 01:24:21 So why go throughall this trouble?
2117 01:24:23 The Swedish actor,the torture chamber.
2118 01:24:26 You think it's easy stealinga man's identity, hmm?
2119 01:24:29 You think it's as easyas stealing his face?
2120 01:24:31 Well, it's not, Little Pretty.
2121 01:24:33 It's much harder than that.
2122 01:24:34 Had to get his goddamnfingerprints first.
2123 01:24:37 After that, I had to takeall your goddamn passwords.
2124 01:24:40 Once I got that, I said,we get your voice ID.
2125 01:24:43 All the other secretsthat you hold, I got it.
2126 01:24:45 I got it good.
2127 01:24:46 So now you have everythingyou need to be Kevin.
2128 01:24:49 You even removed your mole,you sick son of a bitch.
2129 01:24:52 [Doug] Yeah, I did.
2130 01:24:53 You know why?
2131 01:24:55 'Cause I'm Kevin Hart.I'm Kevin Hart.
2132 01:24:57 I got all the moneyin the world.
2133 01:24:58 I got the best dermatologistin the world
2134 01:25:00 'cause I'm Kevin Hart.[laughs]
2135 01:25:02 Dr. Sanchez wouldnever touch
2136 01:25:03 that rough-ass skin of yours.
2137 01:25:04 But she did, motherfucker.She did!
2138 01:25:06 [Kevin] Ah, shit!
2139 01:25:08 [all grunting]
2140 01:25:22 No, boy.
2141 01:25:23 Smack your ass.No, no!
2142 01:25:26 - Ah, ah. Hold on.- What?
2143 01:25:29 Superman punch!
2144 01:25:35 No, not today.
2145 01:25:37 Oh.
2146 01:25:38 [groans]
2147 01:25:40 [Doug] I told you.- Ah, you stupid little bitch.
2148 01:25:42 Wasn't done with you, hmm?
2149 01:25:45 Oh, yeah. Yeah.
2150 01:25:49 See, I got your body.
2151 01:25:51 Doug, you ain't gotto do this, man.
2152 01:25:52 - Give me a chance.- But now--
2153 01:25:53 Doug, no!
2154 01:25:55 Now I want your soul.
2155 01:25:56 Don't take my soul.
2156 01:25:57 I'm gonna getyour fucking soul.
2157 01:25:59 What's happened to me?What the fuck you just do to me?
2158 01:26:03 Oh, shit.
2159 01:26:05 Just stab me in mygoddamn scapula, boy?
2160 01:26:07 - Hey!- Huh?
2161 01:26:09 That's a wrap on Doug.
2162 01:26:11 Oh, got me good.
2163 01:26:14 Motherfucker!
2164 01:26:18 [gasps]
2165 01:26:25 Hold on, Andre,is that the piece of wood
2166 01:26:27 that was lodged in your side?
2167 01:26:29 Sidekick for life.
2168 01:26:31 No, Andre, that was supposedto stay in to stop the bleeding.
2169 01:26:33 [Cynthia] I told himit was a dumb idea,
2170 01:26:35 but does he listen to his mom?
2171 01:26:37 I'd do anything for you, man.
2172 01:26:38 Hey, hey, look at me.
2173 01:26:40 You're the best damn sidekickI ever seen.
2174 01:26:43 Alright, guys, call the cops.
2175 01:26:44 Stay with Douguntil they get here, okay?
2176 01:26:47 I've gotta get youto the hospital.
2177 01:26:50 This time, I'm driving.
2178 01:26:54 You know, actually,I will drive. I'm gonna drive.
2179 01:26:56 I saw the wayyou drove last time,
2180 01:26:58 so I thinkI'll take it from here.
2181 01:27:00 - Why don't we just--- We'll figure it out.
2182 01:27:01 We'll figure it out.
2183 01:27:02 Yeah, but I'll usemy feet and hands,
2184 01:27:04 and you can sit onmy lap or some shit.
2185 01:27:05 He's in shock.I got you, buddy.
2186 01:27:07 Keep an eye on Doug.
2187 01:27:09 I got you, buddy.
2188 01:27:12 [Kevin] I mean, I was foolish.
2189 01:27:15 I let my ego run the show,and I'm honestly,
2190 01:27:18 I'm lucky to be alive.We both are.
2191 01:27:21 Why is he herewith us again?
2192 01:27:23 [chuckles] 'Cause he's avital part of my team.
2193 01:27:26 Ah, okay.
2194 01:27:28 [Jordan] Hi, hi, hi. Sorry.
2195 01:27:30 - Sorry I'm late.- And so is she.
2196 01:27:33 And so are they.
2197 01:27:35 [cheering]
2198 01:27:38 Alright.Who is the older lady?
2199 01:27:40 Are you talkingabout that gorgeous woman
2200 01:27:42 in the back?That's my mama.
2201 01:27:44 Mama, how's the food?
2202 01:27:47 Oh, it's so confusing.
2203 01:27:48 [Andre] Yeah.[Cynthia] I love it, though.
2204 01:27:50 [Kevin] I'm not really surewhat her role is yet.
2205 01:27:52 We're still tryingto iron out the kinks.
2206 01:27:54 But what I do know isit takes a village
2207 01:27:56 to operate the worldof Kevin Hart,
2208 01:27:58 and she's a villager.
2209 01:27:59 [whispering]What's a villager?
2210 01:28:01 Wow, Kevin, I gotta say,
2211 01:28:02 you certainly have changed.
2212 01:28:04 [Kevin] No, I just learnedto appreciate the people
2213 01:28:06 that matter the most in my life.
2214 01:28:09 ♪ Lovely day lovely daylovely day... ♪
2215 01:28:11 Well, does that mean thatyou're in for Jefferson's 2?
2216 01:28:16 Yeah. Just gotta checkwith my stuntman first.
2217 01:28:19 ♪ Lovely day lovely day... ♪
2218 01:28:20 Isn't he in prison now?
2219 01:28:22 ♪ Lovely day lovely day... ♪
2220 01:28:24 [scoffs] He is.
2221 01:28:28 Yeah, I don't know.It slipped my mind.
2222 01:28:30 Ah, I forgot.
2223 01:28:32 [laughs]
2224 01:28:34 [Jordan] Forgot?
2225 01:28:36 [chuckles nervously]
2226 01:28:38 [tense music]
2227 01:28:42 Hey. Hey, guard.
2228 01:28:44 Guard!Hey, let me out of here.
2229 01:28:46 I'm telling you,you got the wrong guy.
2230 01:28:48 [Prisoner] Shut the fuck up!- I'm Kevin Hart.
2231 01:28:51 I'm Kevin Hart!
2232 01:28:53 [dramatic music]
2233 01:29:31 [music continues]
2234 01:29:47 [dramatic music]
2235 01:30:18 [music continues]
2236 01:30:51 [music continues]