阿呆闯学堂 Billy Madison(EN)Subtitles
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1 00:00:41 ~ Suntan lotion is good for me
2 00:00:45 ~ You protect me
3 00:00:46 ~ Tee-hee-hee
4 00:00:49 Oh, the sun tries to burn me,but you won't let it, will ya?
5 00:00:56 Ultraviolet rays - bad. Lotion - good.
6 00:01:00 (blows raspberries )
7 00:01:04 Smiley.
8 00:01:14 There's something importantI was supposed to do today.
9 00:01:18 Have five daiquiris?
10 00:01:21 No, you remembered to do that.
11 00:01:25 Man, why did I have so many drinks?I can't remember.
12 00:01:29 - What's today?- October?
13 00:01:33 It's nudie-magazine day!
14 00:01:37 Yeah!
15 00:01:48 Watch out, butler!
16 00:01:50 Ooh, you're a quick one.
17 00:02:03 Nudie-magazine day!Nudie-magazine day!
18 00:02:06 Nudie-magazine day! Nudie...
19 00:02:08 Agh! Ooh!
20 00:02:32 Ooh.
21 00:02:34 Eee...
22 00:02:38 Ah!
23 00:02:42 Oh!
24 00:02:47 (squawking )
25 00:02:53 Holy jeez!
26 00:02:55 Lookee what we got here.That silly penguin is back again.
27 00:03:00 No, Mr Madison, there no penguin.You got too much sun today.
28 00:03:03 - There no penguin!- (squawks )
29 00:03:06 It's too damn hot for a penguinto be just walkin' around here.
30 00:03:12 I gotta send him back to the South Pole.
31 00:03:17 No!
32 00:03:28 Penguin! Don't you dare run away!
33 00:03:33 Come here, Mr Penguin!
34 00:03:37 I'm one of the good guys, penguin.
35 00:03:39 Don't run! Oh. Oh...
36 00:03:52 Don't run!
37 00:03:55 Don't run from me!
38 00:03:58 Penguin!
39 00:04:04 Penguin.
40 00:04:12 You're a bad penguin.
41 00:04:15 Whee-hee!
42 00:04:17 Call the zoo!
43 00:04:22 All the people at the zooare very nice, penguin.
44 00:04:27 They'll treat you real respectable, like.
45 00:04:31 There's nothing to worry about, big fella.
46 00:04:36 Here I come!
47 00:04:46 Right this way, gentlemen.Mr Madison is expecting you.
48 00:04:53 Leg.
49 00:04:57 Billy! You shouldn't pull that crap in frontof your father's business associates.
50 00:05:02 Now you get yourself upstairsand get ready. Dinner's in 15 minutes.
51 00:05:06 - Yeah, yeah.- Don't ''yeah, yeah'' me, boy.
52 00:05:08 This is a very important dinner.You best be there.
53 00:05:11 I will. Thank you, Juanita.
54 00:05:15 You gotta dress yourself upand look nice, too.
55 00:05:19 Oh, that boy's a finepiece of work all right.
56 00:05:24 He's a fine piece of ass though, too.
57 00:05:33 Where the hell is he? I'm starvin'.
58 00:05:35 I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car.You should've had some.
59 00:05:40 If you'd told methere were Triscuit crackers,...
60 00:05:43 - ..I could've enjoyed them with you.- I'm sorry.
61 00:05:45 Sorry doesn't put the Triscuit crackersin my stomach, does it, Carl?
62 00:05:49 Gentlemen?I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.
63 00:05:53 Have you all met?Eric Gordon, my executive vice president.
64 00:05:57 And our operations manager Carl Alphonse.Sit down, gentlemen, sit down.
65 00:06:02 Beautiful table.
66 00:06:04 Good seeing you, sir.
67 00:06:09 Where's Billy?
68 00:06:13 Juanita said he'd be downin a few minutes.
69 00:06:16 I'm sure you'll all be very impressed.
70 00:06:19 Shampoo is better.I go on first and clean the hair.
71 00:06:23 Conditioner is better.
72 00:06:26 I leave the hair silky and smooth.
73 00:06:29 Oh, really, fool? Really!
74 00:06:35 Stop looking at me, swan.
75 00:06:48 (slurps )
76 00:07:02 - Hey, Carl, what's up?- Nothing much, Billy.
77 00:07:04 - I see you got a little sun today.- You think so?
78 00:07:07 - I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.- Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?
79 00:07:13 Shut up!
80 00:07:15 That's enough, Billy. Because you tookyour sweet-ass time coming down here,...
81 00:07:20 ..these gentlemen will miss their flights.
82 00:07:22 Well, this guy can stay in my room,I'll tell you that much.
83 00:07:32 Billy? Eat your soup.
84 00:07:35 It's good soup.
85 00:07:38 Gentlemen, I can't thank you enoughfor coming this evening.
86 00:07:41 (yells gibberish )
87 00:07:44 Please, Billy, please,no gibberish tonight, please. I beg you.
88 00:07:47 Sorry, Daddy.
89 00:07:50 This is a big night for me tonight, gents.I have an important announcement.
90 00:07:54 (fast gibberish )
91 00:07:56 That's it, Billy! Get the hell outta here!
92 00:08:02 (slow gibberish )
93 00:08:12 - Nice talkin' to you, Billy.- (singsong gibberish )
94 00:08:17 (yells )
95 00:08:27 Right. One, two, three!
96 00:08:32 Hey, Billy, how comeyou ain't poundin' any tonight?
97 00:08:35 I don't know. My dad was yellin' at me.I'm just not in the mood.
98 00:08:40 Hey, Billy, who would you rather bone,Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
99 00:08:46 Jack Nicholson now, or 197 4?
100 00:08:50 '7 4.
101 00:08:53 - Meg Ryan.- Go.
102 00:08:55 Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
103 00:09:01 Oh, my God! I am the winner!
104 00:09:03 - Billy is not an idiot.- I'm not saying he's an idiot.
105 00:09:07 I just think he might not be matureenough to run a Fortune 500 company.
106 00:09:12 My late wife Emily and Istarted this company...
107 00:09:15 ..with a 15-unit motelin Patchogue, Long Island.
108 00:09:18 We built it into 650 hotels.
109 00:09:21 Our dream was to one dayturn it over to our only son Billy.
110 00:09:26 - How many people work for Madison?- 61,000 and change.
111 00:09:29 How long will they have jobs once Billyhas the hotel operator speaking gibberish?
112 00:09:41 Oh, Billy, Billy boy.
113 00:09:43 When are you gonna findwhatever it is you're lookin' for?
114 00:09:47 Here's a nice piece of shit.
115 00:09:55 My, oh, my. Wait till old man Clemensrealises it's a bag of shit.
116 00:09:59 He's gonna shit when he realises it's shit.
117 00:10:02 Who got the lighter?
118 00:10:05 Come on.
119 00:10:15 Light it.
120 00:10:21 (rings doorbell)
121 00:10:25 Oh, my God! Old man Clemens hates shit!
122 00:10:28 Shh. Here he comes!
123 00:10:29 Who the hell is it? What do you want?
124 00:10:32 Judas Priest, Barbara!One of those flaming bags again!
125 00:10:35 (Barbara ) Don't put it outwith your boots, Ted.
126 00:10:37 Don't tell me my business, devil woman.
127 00:10:40 Call the fire department.This one's outta control(!)
128 00:10:47 (sniffs )
129 00:10:52 It's poop again!
130 00:10:54 He called the shit ''poop''!
131 00:10:57 This is the best night of my life!
132 00:11:00 I'll get you damn kids for this!You're all gonna die!
133 00:11:07 Billy, could you step in herefor a moment?
134 00:11:10 I have big news.
135 00:11:12 Eric is pregnant! Congratulations, Dippy!
136 00:11:16 Feel those kicks!He's gonna be a soccer player. He is.
137 00:11:20 He is.
138 00:11:26 All right, what's up?
139 00:11:28 I've had to facesome hard truths tonight, Billy.
140 00:11:31 Do we have to do thiswith Captain Dipshit here?
141 00:11:33 You were brought up withevery advantage. I bought you everything.
142 00:11:37 Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...
143 00:11:40 Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.
144 00:11:43 Yeah, well, whatever.It's all my fault. I made a mistake.
145 00:11:47 Jeez, what...?Are you some damned moron?
146 00:11:50 Can't you just stop for two seconds?
147 00:11:53 I'm trying to tell you that I'm retiring,and Eric, not you,...
148 00:11:56 - ..is gonna take over Madison Hotels.- Eric?!
149 00:11:59 You're gonna give the company to Eric?He is a bad, bad man!
150 00:12:03 What do you care, Billy? What do you carewho I appoint to run the company, huh?
151 00:12:08 I mean, I'm doin' you a favour.You don't ever have to look for a job.
152 00:12:12 You can sit around all day, goofing off,sipping drinks, chasing invisible penguins.
153 00:12:18 Is that it, Dad?Did the penguin tell you to do this?
154 00:12:21 - Penguin?- What an idiot.
155 00:12:23 You know, I could help Billyuntil he gets the hang of it.
156 00:12:26 I think crazy Carl is right. I mean,I can do this if I set my mind to it.
157 00:12:31 High school was a pain in the ass,but I graduated.
158 00:12:33 Because I paid your teachersto give you decent grades.
159 00:12:36 I've regretted it every day since.I thought at the time...
160 00:12:39 ..if you could get good grades,you might get into a good college...
161 00:12:43 - ..and straighten yourself out.- I don't believe that.
162 00:12:46 Well, what do you believe?That you were an honours student?
163 00:12:49 How could I hand over to someone whocouldn't get through school on his own?
164 00:12:54 I don't know. Don't think about it.Just hand it over.
165 00:13:00 Forget it.
166 00:13:03 Well, listen, don't you think you bettergo to bed? Big day tomorrow.
167 00:13:07 A day filled with daiquirisand Nintendos and jack-off magazines...
168 00:13:14 Dad!
169 00:13:17 Yeah, what?
170 00:13:18 Give me one more chance.I'll prove I can take over.
171 00:13:21 I'll do anything it takes. I'll go backto high school and take the exams again.
172 00:13:26 - I'll get my diploma all by myself.- Billy, Billy, it wasn't just high school.
173 00:13:31 Remember that spelling beeyou won in the first grade?
174 00:13:34 - No, you didn't.- Rock.
175 00:13:36 R-o-k.
176 00:13:39 Yeah? So what's your point?
177 00:13:42 - R-o-c-k!- The C is silent.
178 00:13:46 OK, all right.
179 00:13:48 All right, you got it. First gradethrough 12th grade all over again.
180 00:13:54 I'll do each grade in two weeks,take the tests, regraduate,...
181 00:13:58 ..prove to you I'm not an idiot, and thenI get to take over Madison Hotels.
182 00:14:04 That's some idea.
183 00:14:07 - You just think of that?- Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?
184 00:14:11 Brian, don't you thinkthe future of Madison Hotels...
185 00:14:15 ..and its 61,000 employees is tooimportant to gamble on a game like this?
186 00:14:19 No.
187 00:14:22 You're on.Carl, you make the arrangements.
188 00:14:26 You pass every grade before June 15and you take over instead of Eric.
189 00:14:33 Have a nice weekend, son.You start school on Monday.
190 00:14:37 Oh!
191 00:14:39 Give 'em hell, Bill.
192 00:14:43 Nice try, asswipe.But you're just delaying the inevitable.
193 00:14:51 (~ 'I'll Tumble 4 Ya' by Culture Club )
194 00:14:55 ~ Downtown we'll drown,we're in our never splendour
195 00:14:59 ~ Flowers, showers
196 00:15:01 ~ Who's got the new boy gender?
197 00:15:03 ~ I'll be your baby, I'll be your score
198 00:15:07 ~ I'll run the gun for youand so much more
199 00:15:10 ~ I'll tumble for ya
200 00:15:12 ~ I'll tumble for ya
201 00:15:14 ~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble for you
202 00:15:18 ~ I'll tumble for ya
203 00:15:21 ~ I'll tumble for ya
204 00:15:23 ~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble
205 00:15:30 ~ I get a crazy feelingthat chases in my head
206 00:15:33 ~ It's nothing that you do to me,it's nothing that you said
207 00:15:37 Where's my Snack Pack?
208 00:15:39 You've got a banana.You don't need no Snack Pack.
209 00:15:42 You know I like Snack Pack.Why can't you give me a Snack Pack?!
210 00:15:46 I thought I was your Snack Pack.
211 00:15:48 - What are you talkin' about?- Nothin'.
212 00:15:51 Bill, you're gonna miss the bus.
213 00:15:53 Yeah, you better getyour beautiful buns up that driveway.
214 00:15:56 - What a weirdo!- (Juanita laughs )
215 00:16:01 ~ Oh, back to school
216 00:16:04 ~ Back to school
217 00:16:05 ~ To prove to Dad that I'm not a fool
218 00:16:09 ~ I got my lunch packed up
219 00:16:12 ~ My boots tied tight
220 00:16:14 ~ I hope I don't get in a fight
221 00:16:18 ~ Oh, back to school
222 00:16:21 ~ Back to school, back to school...
223 00:16:28 Well, here goes nothin'.
224 00:16:48 Thank you, Daddy.
225 00:17:04 - Hi. How you doin'?- Fine.
226 00:17:06 Are you going to class today, too?
227 00:17:08 I'll be going to class to teach.How about you?
228 00:17:11 I'll be going to learn.
229 00:17:13 Ah. You must be Billy Madison.
230 00:17:16 Yes, I am.
231 00:17:18 Don't you think it's pathetic that becauseof your father you get to do school again?
232 00:17:22 - Yes, I do.- Well, as long as you know.
233 00:17:25 Well, all right!
234 00:17:33 (bell rings )
235 00:17:41 (children shrieking )
236 00:17:47 Hey, mister,guess what I had for breakfast.
237 00:17:49 - What?- Beans.
238 00:17:56 Scotty likes beans, don't you, Scotty?
239 00:18:00 - Hey. How you doin'?- Let's involve the class.
240 00:18:04 Quiet down, my special people.
241 00:18:09 I want you all to meet...
242 00:18:11 ..our new friend Billy.
243 00:18:14 - Can everyone say hello to Billy?- Hello, Billy.
244 00:18:18 Hi.
245 00:18:19 Billy is going to be sharing our funand learning for the next two weeks.
246 00:18:24 Billy is special,just like each and every one of you.
247 00:18:28 And what do we do to our special people?
248 00:18:38 All right. All right.
249 00:18:44 Billy, why don't you take a seatright up front here?
250 00:18:47 And we can start story time.
251 00:18:51 You got a misshaped head.
252 00:18:53 Thank you.
253 00:18:59 The Puppy Who Lost His Wayby Chrissy Taylor.
254 00:19:05 ''One fine morning...
255 00:19:08 ..a puppy popped his puppy pawsout of his puppy house.''
256 00:19:14 ''This was no ordinary puppy.''
257 00:19:16 ''This puppy was the happiest puppyin the whole world.''
258 00:19:21 ''In fact, his name was Happy.Happy looked through the bushes...''
259 00:19:28 '''I'll never let you get lost again',cried the little boy,...
260 00:19:32 ..who was so happythat he gave Happy a kiss...
261 00:19:36 ..on his wet little puppy nose.''
262 00:19:39 ''The end.''
263 00:19:42 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Miss Lippy.The part of the story I don't like...
264 00:19:46 ..is that the little boy gave uplooking for Happy after an hour.
265 00:19:50 He didn't put posters up. He just saton the porch like a goon and waited.
266 00:19:55 That little boy's gotta think:you got a pet, you got a responsibility.
267 00:19:59 If your dog gets lost, you don't lookfor an hour then call it quits.
268 00:20:03 You get your ass out thereand you find that fuckin' dog!
269 00:20:10 I think it's time to play dodge ball.
270 00:20:29 You're out! O'Doyle rules!
271 00:20:39 (sitar music )
272 00:20:53 Billy. What are you doing back?
273 00:20:56 I'm out.
274 00:20:59 Well, that just means you stayoff to the side until a new game starts.
275 00:21:04 That's OK. I'm kinda tired anyway.I'll just sit here and colour or something.
276 00:21:08 Billy, dodge-ball time is a special time.
277 00:21:12 Not just for you boys and girls,but for Miss Lippy, too. So stay outside.
278 00:21:28 (children ) Whoa!
279 00:21:30 Now you're all in big, big trouble.
280 00:21:34 (~ 'Beat on the Brat' by the Ramones )
281 00:21:44 You're out!
282 00:21:46 Oh, yeah!
283 00:21:52 (bell rings )
284 00:21:53 Lunchtime!
285 00:22:02 I bet that Snack Pack's pretty good.
286 00:22:07 Wanna trade me the rest of itfor this banana?
287 00:22:11 You know how badly I can beat you, right?
288 00:22:17 Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesisis the best video game ever.
289 00:22:21 I disagree. It's a very good game, but Ithink Donkey Kong is the best game ever.
290 00:22:25 - Donkey Kong sucks.- You know somethin'? You suck.
291 00:22:31 ~ Number one, number one
292 00:22:34 ~ Now my song has just begun
293 00:22:36 ~ With a rum tum taddelum,Old John Braddelum
294 00:22:39 ~ Hey, what country folk we be
295 00:22:46 ~ Number two, number two
296 00:22:49 ~ Roosters crow,cock-a-doodle-doodle-doo
297 00:22:51 ~ With a rum tum taddelum,Old John Braddelum
298 00:22:55 ~ Hey, what countryfolk we be
299 00:23:01 ~ Number three, number three
300 00:23:04 ~ I like you and you like me
301 00:23:18 Hey! That's very nice of you to pick upyour little brother here at school.
302 00:23:22 He's not my brother. He's my son.
303 00:23:26 - You gotta be kiddin' me.- Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class.
304 00:23:30 I heard he's retarded or something.
305 00:23:33 (laughs )
306 00:23:35 Creative mind. Maybe someday he'll makeMommy and Daddy a lot of money.
307 00:23:39 Daddy's in prison, and he won'tbe home for a long time.
308 00:23:43 My dear Lord.
309 00:23:45 Yeah! Yeah, well, I gotta get goin'right now. I gotta get on the bus.
310 00:23:49 I ride the bus for the cityand watch the bus drivers.
311 00:23:52 This programme to make surethey turn the wheels right...
312 00:23:55 Billy, you forgot your stuff.
313 00:24:04 Come on, honey.
314 00:24:05 Thank you very much, Miss Lippy!
315 00:24:11 - (phone rings )- Yes.
316 00:24:13 - (secretary ) Brian Madison for you.- Tell him I'm out to lunch.
317 00:24:18 Billy Madison.
318 00:24:20 A buffoon. And yet a threatto my eventual takeover of this company.
319 00:24:25 A menace.And what do we do with a menace?
320 00:24:29 We eliminate it.We eliminate Billy Madison.
321 00:24:33 - Tricia Labonte?- Here.
322 00:24:37 - Scotty Logan?- Here.
323 00:24:41 - Billy Madison?- (blows raspberry )
324 00:24:44 (laughing )
325 00:24:56 Hm...
326 00:25:20 Hey. Look at all this milk.
327 00:25:23 - You want some of this milk?- That milk belongs to that classroom.
328 00:25:27 Oh. They don't gots to know about it.It could be our milk.
329 00:25:31 No milk will ever be our milk.
330 00:25:35 Ooh. That wasn't very nice.
331 00:25:37 How 'bout you, sideburns?You want some of this milk?
332 00:25:40 Rather have a beer.
333 00:26:14 I drew the duck blue becauseI've never seen a blue duck before...
334 00:26:17 ..and, to be honest with ya,I wanted to see a blue duck.
335 00:26:20 Well, it's an excellent blue duck.
336 00:26:23 Congratulations.You just passed the first grade.
337 00:26:27 Oh, Miss Lippy, that's so great.
338 00:26:30 What do you think of that, Mr Blue Duck?
339 00:26:32 That's quack-tastic!
340 00:26:38 Wow! Look at all that candy!
341 00:26:41 Rolex!
342 00:26:46 - Thanks for the watch, Billy.- You're welcome, buddy.
343 00:26:50 This is great. When I graduated first gradeall my father did was tell me to get a job.
344 00:26:55 (braying )
345 00:26:56 Hey, you wanna feed that donkeysome beer, get it all messed up?
346 00:27:00 - Maybe later.- I'll go put some beer in a bucket.
347 00:27:04 - OK.- Hey there, Mr Graduate. How's it goin'?
348 00:27:07 (Eric ) Go!
349 00:27:13 Come on, kid! Get up! Get up!
350 00:27:15 You're humiliating yourself! Get up!
351 00:27:20 Whoa, whoa, whoa...
352 00:27:25 Aaah!
353 00:27:42 So he's passed first grade andhe's moved on to second. Whoop-de-do.
354 00:27:46 Any more information, Rollo?
355 00:27:52 Billy likes to drink soda.
356 00:27:58 Miss Lippy's car is green.
357 00:28:03 And now we have just two students left.
358 00:28:08 Bath.
359 00:28:10 Bath.
360 00:28:13 B-a-t-h.
361 00:28:17 - Bath.- Correct!
362 00:28:19 Bath - that's a little easy.Why don't you just give her the trophy?
363 00:28:24 Cheese.
364 00:28:28 Cheese.
365 00:28:29 C-h-e-e-s-e.
366 00:28:36 - Cheese.- Correct.
367 00:28:40 - Couch.- Couch.
368 00:28:45 C...
369 00:28:46 C-o...
370 00:28:50 - W?- No!
371 00:28:53 No, I'm sorry, that's not right.
372 00:28:56 (laughs )
373 00:28:58 Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly,you pass second grade.
374 00:29:04 Couch.
375 00:29:05 C...
376 00:29:08 Cou...
377 00:29:10 Cou...
378 00:29:12 C-o...
379 00:29:15 R... Are you going to the mall later?That's what I'm asking.
380 00:29:19 No, I am not going to the mall.Keep spelling, mister.
381 00:29:24 C-o-u...
382 00:29:27 ..c-h?
383 00:29:31 Correct!
384 00:29:33 I am the smartest man alive!
385 00:29:37 (squealing )
386 00:29:41 Is he gonna have a stupid partyevery time he passes a grade?
387 00:29:45 (Carl) Everybody's havinga good time but you.
388 00:29:48 Spoilt snot. Get outta here.
389 00:29:51 Let me ask you something, Carl.You started here, what, 25 years ago?
390 00:29:56 Night bellboy at the Philadelphia Madison?
391 00:29:59 After all your hard work, how would youfeel working for some punk kid like Billy?
392 00:30:05 Could be worse.
393 00:30:10 That's nice.
394 00:30:14 Man, I'm so nervous.First and second grade were easy,...
395 00:30:16 ..but social studies, division?This is gonna be tough.
396 00:30:22 Man, I'm so nervous.First and second grade were easy,...
397 00:30:25 ..but social studies, division?This is gonna be tough.
398 00:30:28 Relax, dude.
399 00:30:31 Jackpot.
400 00:30:33 - Good morning, class.- Good morning, Miss Vaughn.
401 00:30:37 We're gonna start today by readinga short story entitled ''My Sister Fanny''.
402 00:30:42 Quiet.
403 00:30:44 OK, so let's all open upour Reading is Fun books to page 69.
404 00:30:48 69!
405 00:30:53 Class, say hello to Billy Madison.
406 00:30:56 Hello, Billy Madison.
407 00:30:59 Billy is a nuisance.He will be gone in two weeks.
408 00:31:02 I apologise for this inconvenience.
409 00:31:06 - Jeez! What's up her butt?- What was that, Billy?
410 00:31:09 I said ''Reading is good.''
411 00:31:12 Can we start the story now?
412 00:31:17 Dan, you may begin.
413 00:31:19 ''O... o... once...
414 00:31:21 ..th... th... there w... was...
415 00:31:24 ..a g... g... girl...
416 00:31:27 ..who w...''
417 00:31:29 - He can't even read.- Cut it out, dude.
418 00:31:31 You're gonna get us in trouble.
419 00:31:34 ''..p... p... p... p...''
420 00:31:37 T... t... t... today, junior!
421 00:31:48 Ow! You're tearing my ear off!
422 00:31:51 Making fun of a kid for trying to read.Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?
423 00:31:56 I'm sorry. I can't hear you.I've been physically abused in the ear.
424 00:32:00 Keep your mouth shut for the next twoweeks or I'm gonna fail you. End of story.
425 00:32:05 I see your lips movin', but I can'tmake out your words. I'm deaf.
426 00:32:11 Oh, Veronica Vaughn. So hot.
427 00:32:14 Want to touch the heinie.
428 00:32:16 (howls )
429 00:32:18 So that girlie I've been chasin'?Turns out she's my third-grade teacher.
430 00:32:22 First thing she doesis kick me out of her class.
431 00:32:25 Maybe she feels she hasto make an example of you.
432 00:32:28 - Or she's got somethin' up her ass.- That's what I said.
433 00:32:31 - Poor Billy.- I'm so depressed.
434 00:32:34 - Want me to take my shirt off for you?- No, thank you.
435 00:32:36 OK, baby. But remember,the offer is on the table.
436 00:32:42 Oh, yes. Oh, my.
437 00:32:46 Oh, God, yes.
438 00:32:48 - Lordy.- Billy Madison.
439 00:32:50 Uh-huh?
440 00:32:51 Would you like to try writing some wordsin cursive on the blackboard today?
441 00:32:55 OK. Sure.
442 00:33:04 OK, how about the word ''dugout''?
443 00:33:16 OK, good. How about ''bunt''?
444 00:33:27 Bunt. B-u-n-t.
445 00:33:30 In perfect cursive.Any more brain-busters?
446 00:33:36 Rizzuto.
447 00:33:44 Z... Z...
448 00:33:55 Rirruto?
449 00:33:58 Those are Zs.
450 00:34:00 They look like Rs to me.
451 00:34:02 That's not fair! Rizzuto is not a word.He's a baseball player. You're cheating.
452 00:34:07 Would you like to try the word ''buzz''?
453 00:34:09 (children laugh )
454 00:34:11 I hate cursive and I hate all of you!
455 00:34:14 I'm never comin' back to school! Never!
456 00:34:17 (children laugh )
457 00:34:23 (Juanita ) Billy!
458 00:34:33 I swear, I'm sick. I can't go to school.
459 00:34:35 If you're gonna stay home today,you could help me shave my armpits.
460 00:34:40 Oh, my God! I'll go to school.
461 00:34:46 O'Doyle rules!
462 00:34:55 - What's goin' on?- Miss Vaughn's sick.
463 00:35:01 (teacher claps )
464 00:35:03 Please take your seats.
465 00:35:07 - Who's that guy?- Principal Anderson.
466 00:35:13 As you can tell, Miss Vaughn is not feelingwell today, so I'll be taking her place.
467 00:35:18 But don't get your hopes up,because I plan on teaching,...
468 00:35:21 ..so I hope you plan on learning.
469 00:35:24 Now, who can tell me where we arein our social-studies reader?
470 00:35:29 Yes?
471 00:35:31 Michael?
472 00:35:33 Excuse me. What's that in your hand?
473 00:35:38 Bring that note up to me.
474 00:35:40 (class ) Ooh.
475 00:35:46 Now let's see what couldn't waittill after class.
476 00:35:55 ''We're so lucky to havePrincipal Anderson substituting.''
477 00:36:00 ''Now we have the privilege of staringat that tub of lard all day long''?
478 00:36:07 ''If I were him, I would walk my fat assright into oncoming traffic.''
479 00:36:15 Oh, man, Billy,I just thought of the funniest thing.
480 00:36:19 Billy?
481 00:36:22 - Where's Billy?- He's in school, man.
482 00:36:26 Oh, yeah.
483 00:36:48 (~ 'I'm Not the One' by the Cars )
484 00:36:51 ~ I'm not the one
485 00:36:54 ~ That you'll be shootin' for
486 00:36:56 ~ I'm not the one
487 00:36:59 ~ Who's coming back for more
488 00:37:02 ~ You know why
489 00:37:05 ~ We've been through this too many times
490 00:37:08 ~ You know why
491 00:37:11 ~ It's never clear it's pantomime
492 00:37:16 I don't wanna sound like a weirdo,but I kinda missed Miss Vaughn today.
493 00:37:21 - Why? Do you like her or something?- No!
494 00:37:24 - Why? Did she say she likes me?- Not to me.
495 00:37:27 Well, let's find out.
496 00:37:41 Uh, hello?
497 00:37:43 Um, is this Miss Vaughn?
498 00:37:46 Oh, hi. It's Ernie from class.
499 00:37:48 (whispers ) Ask her if she has a boyfriend.
500 00:37:50 Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you have a boyfriend?
501 00:37:56 (whispers ) No.
502 00:37:58 - Ask her...- Shh!
503 00:38:00 Ask her if she likes anybody from class,like, more than a friend.
504 00:38:05 Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you likeanybody in class more than a friend?
505 00:38:14 (whispers ) No.
506 00:38:17 Ask her if she would evergo out with somebody from class.
507 00:38:20 - No!- Just do it!
508 00:38:23 Um, Miss Vaughn, would you evergo out with anybody from class?
509 00:38:29 Uh-huh.
510 00:38:31 Uh-huh.
511 00:38:33 You see, Ernie, grown-ups liketo go out with other grown-ups.
512 00:38:37 - What about Billy?- You're more of a grown-up than Billy.
513 00:38:40 - I'll give you a grown-up.- What was that, Ernie?
514 00:38:42 (high-pitched) Nothing.See you tomorrow in class, Miss Vaughn.
515 00:38:47 You blew it!
516 00:38:54 Hey, I dare you to throwyour sandwich at the bus driver.
517 00:38:59 (children ) Do it. Come on.
518 00:39:04 Hey!
519 00:39:06 Hey, who threw that?
520 00:39:10 I'll turn this damn bus around.
521 00:39:12 That'll end your precious littlefield trip pretty damn quick, huh?
522 00:39:18 Bullshit.
523 00:39:27 Hey, I'm tryin' to score points withthe teacher today. Don't screw it up!
524 00:39:31 I dare you to touch her boobs.
525 00:39:34 Touch her boobs? That's assault, brother.
526 00:39:41 Ya double-dare me?
527 00:39:49 Miss Vaughn, how long till we get there?
528 00:39:52 - I have to go to the bathroom.- Probably about two minutes.
529 00:39:56 Sorry about that.Damn guy drives like an animal.
530 00:40:01 That's all right, Billy.Why don't you go back and sit down now?
531 00:40:04 - OK.- I double-dare you.
532 00:40:06 Da... I... Accident...
533 00:40:09 Mistake... Tit...
534 00:40:11 - Go sit down now.- Yes.
535 00:40:14 (children giggle )
536 00:40:20 Yeah, here we go again.Another treat from the road.
537 00:40:24 Grand, ripe banana.Trick of the day. Great...
538 00:40:32 (woman ) What is a horseshoe?What does a horseshoe do?
539 00:40:35 Are there any horse socks?
540 00:40:38 Is anybody listening to me?
541 00:40:40 Anyways, I am sorry aboutwhat happened back there,...
542 00:40:43 ..but you have to admit,I've been tryin' to be good lately.
543 00:40:46 Well, you're not the first personthat's tried to grab my chest.
544 00:40:49 I'm trying not to hold you to a higherstandard than the rest of the students.
545 00:40:53 Although maybe I should.You are, what, 50?
546 00:40:56 No, but the other kids look up to me.I don't want them to think I'm a coward.
547 00:41:01 Don't worry about it. Next week you'regonna have another teacher to annoy.
548 00:41:05 I don't want to annoy another teacher,Miss Vaughn. I want to annoy you.
549 00:41:10 - Miss Vaughn!- Somebody stole all our lunches.
550 00:41:15 Who would steal 30 bagged lunches?
551 00:41:24 I'll tell you who took those lunches.
552 00:41:27 That damn sasquatch.
553 00:41:30 Well, I guess that's it.OK, everybody! Back on the bus!
554 00:41:34 - Hey, what's with Ernie?- I don't know. I'll be right back.
555 00:41:40 Hey, Ernie, what's up?
556 00:41:43 Nothing.
557 00:41:46 You fallen in lovewith the wall or somethin'?
558 00:41:50 - I had an accident.- An accident. What does that mean?
559 00:41:53 Ooh!
560 00:41:55 Oh, I know. OK. Uh...
561 00:42:00 Don't worry, buddy. You hang tight.I'll be right back.
562 00:42:11 Hey, look, everybody! Billy peed his pants!
563 00:42:14 Of course I peed my pants. Everybodymy age pees their pants. It's the coolest.
564 00:42:19 - Really?- Yes!
565 00:42:20 You ain't cool unless you pee your pants.
566 00:42:24 - Wow.- Hey, man, Ernie peed his pants too.
567 00:42:29 All right!
568 00:42:34 If peeing your pants is cool,consider me Miles Davis.
569 00:42:39 Oh!
570 00:42:40 That was the grossest thingI've ever heard in my life! Let's go!
571 00:42:45 Get on the bus here.
572 00:42:47 Move it. Get up there, Kyle.
573 00:42:49 One, two, five, seven.
574 00:42:51 Move it or lose it. Get on the b...
575 00:42:55 Hi, Miss Vaughn. Nice to see ya.
576 00:43:05 That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass.
577 00:43:11 I know from experience, dude,if you know what I mean.
578 00:43:15 No, you don't.
579 00:43:17 Well, not me personally, but a guy I know.Him and her got it on.
580 00:43:22 Whoo-ee!
581 00:43:25 No, they didn't.
582 00:43:27 No, no, no, they didn't.
583 00:43:29 But you can imaginewhat it'd be like if they did, right? Huh?
584 00:43:40 Everybody on?Good, great, grand, wonderful!
585 00:43:44 No yelling on the bus!
586 00:43:47 ~ Billy passed the third grade
587 00:43:51 ~ Oh, what a glorious day
588 00:43:55 ~ Oh, passin' third grade
589 00:43:59 ~ The Billy Madison way
590 00:44:02 Yeah!
591 00:44:04 Rock on! Yes!
592 00:44:17 (boy ) Stop it.
593 00:44:19 Who are you? I don't even know you.Go away, mister. Stop it.
594 00:44:24 - Are you OK?- Yeah.
595 00:44:30 - Look! She came!- And she came too.
596 00:44:50 The mucus queen is yours.
597 00:44:54 Thanks.
598 00:44:55 Hi!
599 00:44:58 Oh, gosh. Oh, thank you.
600 00:45:05 Oh, my God!
601 00:45:08 Snack Pack! You're the coolest!
602 00:45:10 - Those should last you the weekend.- Thank you very much.
603 00:45:14 - Billy is on the right track.- He's on track all right.
604 00:45:17 He's headed right down the toilet.
605 00:45:21 Easy.
606 00:45:25 You still don't think he's gonna make it?
607 00:45:27 Trust me, Carl, baby.I know he's not gonna make it.
608 00:45:31 Would you excuse me for a second?
609 00:45:36 Who will help me destroy Billy Madison?
610 00:45:39 Who?
611 00:45:58 You know, that was really sweet,the way you helped Ernie out yesterday.
612 00:46:02 He would have done the same for me.
613 00:46:05 So what's it like being back in school?
614 00:46:08 I don't know. I kinda feellike an idiot sometimes.
615 00:46:11 Although I am an idiot,so it kinda works out.
616 00:46:15 Is it just you and your dad in here?
617 00:46:18 Well, actually, no. There's Juanita,and some maids and butlers and stuff.
618 00:46:23 And people who work for my dadare always stoppin' by.
619 00:46:26 And my friends are always sleepin' over,even when I didn't ask 'em to.
620 00:46:30 - Sounds like a hotel.- It kinda is. It can be distracting.
621 00:46:33 That's why I moved out here.
622 00:46:47 Wow.
623 00:46:49 This is where I've been spendingmost of my time lately.
624 00:46:52 Not exactly roughing it, are you?
625 00:47:00 Those are, uh...They come with the tent, so...
626 00:47:08 Oh, wow. A Tale of Two Cities.I don't think we're up to that one yet.
627 00:47:12 I can understand nine wordsin that book now.
628 00:47:19 So, it's, um... the last day of third grade.
629 00:47:24 And you have the teacher,alone, in your tent.
630 00:47:28 What do you wanna do?
631 00:47:31 Well, I can think of three thingsI'd like to do.
632 00:47:36 One would involve some ice cubesand a nine-iron.
633 00:47:41 - Two would include a buffalo.- Really?
634 00:47:44 Live or stuffed.Preferably stuffed, for safety's sake.
635 00:47:50 Three: we'd bring backsome of those ice cubes,...
636 00:47:53 ..but switch it over to a pitching wedge.
637 00:47:56 How you guys doin'?
638 00:48:00 Hey! Carl! Good to see you!
639 00:48:06 This is Veronica, my teacher. That's Carl.
640 00:48:09 Very pleased to meet you.Bill, I think Eric is up to something.
641 00:48:13 - Who's Eric?- He works for my dad too.
642 00:48:15 He gets the company if I screw up.He's a douchebag.
643 00:48:18 He made some menacing comments to me,and then he did that little weasel laugh.
644 00:48:23 - Yeah. How does that laugh go again?- You know. (laughs )
645 00:48:28 - Very good. It sounded just like him.- Thanks.
646 00:48:30 Well, I'm sure he's gotsomething up his sleeve.
647 00:48:33 - Thanks, buddy.- No problem.
648 00:48:36 (~ 'ABC' by the Jackson 5)
649 00:48:40 ~ You went to school to learn, girl
650 00:48:42 ~ Things you never, never knew before...
651 00:48:46 (teacher ) The most densely populated partof the US is along the eastern seaboard.
652 00:48:50 We're gonna talk about why that isover the next few minutes.
653 00:48:54 We all know what a census is, don't we?That's like taking a census...
654 00:49:01 You know, yeah. Pick it up and gimme...
655 00:49:04 You want some of this?
656 00:49:06 Oh, my dear Lord!
657 00:49:09 You never leave me open, son,cos I'm gonna hit it every time.
658 00:49:12 You want some more of that?I didn't think so!
659 00:49:16 ~ Reading, writing, arithmeticare the branches of the learning tree
660 00:49:20 ~ But without the rootsof love every day, girl
661 00:49:23 ~ Your education ain't complete
662 00:49:26 ~ Teacher's gonna show you
663 00:49:28 ~ How to get an A
664 00:49:30 ~ How to spell 'me', 'you'and add the two
665 00:49:33 ~ Listen to me, baby,that's all you gotta do
666 00:49:35 ~ ABC
667 00:49:37 ~ It's easy as 1-2-3
668 00:49:39 ~ As simple as do-re-mi, ABC...
669 00:50:11 (belches the alphabet )
670 00:50:17 All right, stop before I throw up.
671 00:50:20 Hey, Billy, you wanna goplay soccer with us after school?
672 00:50:23 No, I got a test on Friday.I'll play with you guys next week.
673 00:50:26 - Next week you'll be in ninth grade.- Yeah, high school.
674 00:50:30 Oh, yeah.
675 00:50:31 You aren't gonna wanna hang round witha bunch of dumb elementary-school kids.
676 00:50:36 That's not true. I'll comeand visit you guys all the time.
677 00:50:39 Yeah, to see your girlfriend.
678 00:50:41 (boys ) Whooo!
679 00:50:44 (cackling )
680 00:50:46 Have some more Sloppy Joes.
681 00:50:51 I made 'em extra sloppy for yous.
682 00:50:57 I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.
683 00:51:02 Lady, you're scarin' us.
684 00:51:29 - Do you know where the bathroom is?- Second door on the left.
685 00:51:37 Hey, tubby, how abouta little bathroom reading?
686 00:51:41 I have the August 1983 issueof Wrestling World here.
687 00:51:46 There's a terrific article abouta wrestler named the Revolting Blob.
688 00:51:51 Gee, you know somethin'?He kinda looks like someone I know.
689 00:51:56 - Where'd you get that?- I have a subscription.
690 00:51:59 Bad guy. He threw one opponent out ofthe ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens.
691 00:52:06 Boy, this wacko looks familiar.
692 00:52:09 What do I care about somestupid phoney wrestling guy?
693 00:52:13 My God.
694 00:52:15 In June 1983 he sat onsome guy's head and killed him.
695 00:52:20 It was just a stunt!
696 00:52:22 He was supposed to pinch my legif he was running short of air.
697 00:52:25 With this guy sitting on everyone's head,I wonder how he got his teaching degree?
698 00:52:30 No!
699 00:52:32 No, you can't do that to me.Those kids are my whole life!
700 00:52:36 So you wouldn't want anything to happenthat would make 'em think less of you?
701 00:52:40 Max?
702 00:52:43 Max?
703 00:52:45 You ready to cooperate with me?
704 00:52:47 Yes.
705 00:52:49 Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine!
706 00:53:03 (rock music from car )
707 00:53:26 (laughter )
708 00:53:31 - (student ) Nice shirt.- Yeah. Yep.
709 00:53:33 (bell rings )
710 00:53:40 Now the cell's happy. But other moleculesare saying ''We'd like some energy too.''
711 00:53:46 And it uses its own pigment molecule,chlorophyll, to carry out the action.
712 00:53:51 This does not make the ribosomes happy.
713 00:53:56 And poor chlorophyll is caughtin the middle of this.
714 00:53:59 Chlorophyll? More like ''bore-ophyll''!
715 00:54:04 Right?
716 00:54:08 - Jeez, a little bit stuffy in here, huh?- Don't talk to me.
717 00:54:12 - And why is that?- Because you're a loser.
718 00:54:15 (teacher ) ..from these ribosomes.And chlorophyll helps the chloroplast...
719 00:54:19 No, I will not make out with you!
720 00:54:22 Did you hear that? This girl wants tomake out with me in the middle of class!
721 00:54:26 You got ''chlorophyll man'' up theretalkin' about God knows what.
722 00:54:29 All she's talking about is makin' out withme. I'm here to learn, not to make out.
723 00:54:34 Go on with the chlorophyll.
724 00:54:41 O'Doyle rules.
725 00:54:43 Thanks a lot, O'Doyle. Nice meetin' you.
726 00:54:47 (giggling )
727 00:54:50 - Wait till they start with the wedgies.- Yeah.
728 00:54:53 You oughta start cutting your underwearbefore you get to school. So it rips easier.
729 00:54:58 I see. Who are you guys?
730 00:55:00 The guys everybody used to pick onbefore you started here.
731 00:55:03 No, they ain't pickin' on me. They're givin'me a hard time cos I'm the new guy.
732 00:55:07 A little first-day hazing.
733 00:55:09 - Are you in loser denial or something?- I had a bad case of loser denial myself.
734 00:55:14 Till the lacrosse team stucka parking cone up my ass.
735 00:55:17 Loser? I ain't no loser.I was the king of this high school.
736 00:55:21 A hundred friends, a million parties...
737 00:55:25 You guys are losers, not me.
738 00:55:29 And that is what a prime number is.
739 00:55:32 (children ) Billy!
740 00:55:34 I figured I got fourth period off,I'd shoot down and say hi.
741 00:55:37 - How's high school, Billy?- Yeah, how's high school?
742 00:55:40 High school is great.I mean, I'm learning a lot.
743 00:55:44 And all the kids are treating mevery nice. It's great.
744 00:55:49 Gee, I can't wait till I go to high school.
745 00:55:53 Don't you say that.
746 00:55:55 Don't you ever say that.
747 00:55:58 Stay here.
748 00:56:00 Stay as long as you can.
749 00:56:03 For the love of God, cherish it.
750 00:56:07 (Veronica ) Jennifer,why don't you read out loud?
751 00:56:09 You gotta cherish it.
752 00:56:12 You do.
753 00:56:14 Hm.
754 00:56:19 I don't understand it.
755 00:56:21 I mean, ten years ago high schoolwas the greatest. I had so much fun.
756 00:56:26 I guess a little too much fun,since you've gotta do it again.
757 00:56:29 I know. It's just that classes are so hard,and all the kids treat me like I'm a goof.
758 00:56:35 Well, you are a goof.
759 00:56:37 Suck it up. Eight more weeksand you're all set.
760 00:56:41 Yeah, you're right. You're so smart.
761 00:56:46 - I gotta go, OK?- OK.
762 00:56:49 Billy, wait.
763 00:56:51 It doesn't feel so greatto be called a loser, does it?
764 00:56:54 No.
765 00:56:55 Maybe the first timeyou went to high school,...
766 00:56:58 ..you weren't as nice to the kidsthat you thought were losers.
767 00:57:03 I know what you're sayin'.You're so smart.
768 00:57:15 (phone rings )
769 00:57:20 Hello?
770 00:57:21 - Hi. Is this Danny McGrath?- Yeah.
771 00:57:24 The Danny McGrath that graduatedfrom Knibb High School in 1984?
772 00:57:28 - Uh, yeah. Who's this?- This is Billy Madison.
773 00:57:33 You probably don't remember me,but I went to high school with you.
774 00:57:37 I kinda gave you a hard time back then,...
775 00:57:39 ..and I did some things thatI thought were funny at the time,...
776 00:57:43 ..but now I realise theywere just mean and stupid.
777 00:57:46 And I just wanted to apologise,and I hope you forgive me.
778 00:57:51 Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it.
779 00:57:53 Wow! That's great!
780 00:57:56 Well, I am sorry, and maybewe can get together some time...
781 00:57:59 ..and have coffee or somethin'.
782 00:58:02 - Sure, I'd like that.- OK. Well, I'll see you around.
783 00:58:05 OK. Bye.
784 00:58:07 (~ 'Telephone Line'by Electric Light Orchestra )
785 00:58:42 Speak for yourself, moron.
786 00:58:45 Oh, my God! That is funny!
787 00:58:48 Next.: the shocking story of powerand corruption involving a hotel tycoon.
788 00:58:53 How his 27-year-old millionaire soncheated his way through school.
789 00:58:58 - What the hell...?- Now, now. Maybe it's somebody else.
790 00:59:03 My name is Max Anderson,...
791 00:59:05 ..and I am the principalat the Polly Fector Elementary School.
792 00:59:11 Recently a young man namedBilly Madison was enrolled there.
793 00:59:15 During that timeMr Madison was disruptive.
794 00:59:18 The only reason he passed was thathe offered me a bribe of $5,000,...
795 00:59:23 .. which I regrettably accepted.
796 00:59:26 I'm sorry, Billy.
797 00:59:28 (reporter ) That was Principal Andersonof Polly Fector Elementary School.
798 00:59:33 Dad! He's lyin'!
799 00:59:36 You made a fool out of me.This was a mistake from the beginning.
800 00:59:39 Brian, I got some interimforecasts for you to...
801 00:59:44 - Why is everybody so glum?- You seriously don't believe me?
802 00:59:47 That's right. I seriously don't believe you.
803 00:59:51 The deal's off. Eric's got the company.
804 00:59:56 Wow. Good news for me.
805 01:00:04 I can't believe this is happening right now.
806 01:00:10 Are you gonna come to class on Monday?
807 01:00:12 Wouldn't make much sense now, would it?
808 01:00:16 Stupid idea in the first place.
809 01:00:20 (~ 'Renegade' by Styx )
810 01:00:22 ~ They finally found me
811 01:00:25 ~ The renegade who had it made
812 01:00:27 ~ Retrieved for a bounty
813 01:00:29 ~ Never more to go astray
814 01:00:31 ~ This'll be the end todayof the wanted man
815 01:00:38 Better get up outta this bed!
816 01:00:40 ~ I've been years on the lamAnd had a high price on my head
817 01:00:47 ~ Lawman said 'Get him dead or alive'...
818 01:00:50 (Billy howling )
819 01:00:58 Yoo-hoo!
820 01:01:01 Hello!
821 01:01:02 Billy's here!
822 01:01:06 Hey, baby!
823 01:01:08 You lookin' hot tonight!
824 01:01:10 - Billy, what has happened to you?- We're gonna go on a date.
825 01:01:14 You, me, Jack and Frank...
826 01:01:17 ..are gonna go around puttin' shiton people's doorsteps...
827 01:01:22 ..and we're gonna set it on fire.
828 01:01:25 Billy, why are you acting like this?I know that you didn't pay off Max.
829 01:01:30 Well, that makes two of us, then, baby,...
830 01:01:33 ..but it takes more than two to tango.Or somethin' like that.
831 01:01:39 - So let's go.- No, let's stay.
832 01:01:41 And the three of you can light dog shiton my living-room floor.
833 01:01:44 - Come on, Billy, you know that...- Talky, talky, talky.
834 01:01:49 No more talky.
835 01:01:51 You got a lighter in here?
836 01:01:56 Oh.
837 01:01:58 I see what's goin' on in here.
838 01:02:04 So sorry to interrupt!
839 01:02:13 Proceed.
840 01:02:16 Billy, you're losing your mind.
841 01:02:22 All right, boys' night out!
842 01:02:24 Let's go!
843 01:02:31 (snoring )
844 01:02:49 Ow!
845 01:02:52 I need to talk to you.
846 01:03:04 Jeez!
847 01:03:07 What's goin' on, man?
848 01:03:12 I think Billy and his girlfriendare playin' water polo or somethin'.
849 01:03:19 Hey, maybe they're playin' Marco Polo.
850 01:03:22 Marco.
851 01:03:25 - Jeez, that was a great game.- Yeah.
852 01:03:33 I got an idea for you.Instead of being an idiot every day,...
853 01:03:36 ..why don't you go back to school,graduate and get the company?
854 01:03:40 Cos I don't want it any more.
855 01:03:42 - What do you mean, you don't want it?- I got somethin' comin' outta my nose?
856 01:03:47 I can't believe I liked someonewho could roll over and die.
857 01:03:50 I ain't rollin' over and dyin'. I was set up.And, worst of all, nobody believes me.
858 01:03:54 I believe you, Billy. And I believe in you.
859 01:03:58 You know, some people have no willpower,no brains, no vision.
860 01:04:02 They just drift through lifelike lumps of crap.
861 01:04:04 What is she talkin' about?
862 01:04:07 And you have all those things.You're just afraid to use 'em.
863 01:04:11 Don't be. You say you're not a loser,Billy Madison. So win.
864 01:04:31 ~ Yes, I will go back to school
865 01:04:34 ~ And achieve victory
866 01:04:37 ~ No man will takewhat my father has built
867 01:04:40 ~ Unless that man is me
868 01:04:44 ~ My Billy, sweet Billy boy
869 01:04:47 ~ I knew you would go back
870 01:04:50 ~ No one can stop you if you try
871 01:04:53 ~ Don't I have a nice rack?
872 01:04:59 ~ Veronica, I thank you
873 01:05:02 ~ For beating the shit out of me
874 01:05:06 ~ I see things so clearly now
875 01:05:08 ~ I choose my destiny
876 01:05:11 Oh, Billy, I knew you had it in ya.
877 01:05:14 ~ We're here to help you, Billy
878 01:05:17 ~ Get back in school to stay
879 01:05:20 ~ You gotta work real hard and stick it out
880 01:05:24 ~ Till graduation day
881 01:05:27 ~ Hey, kids, it's me
882 01:05:29 ~ I bet you thought that I was dead
883 01:05:33 ~ But when I fell over I just broke my leg
884 01:05:35 ~ And got a haemorrhage in my head
885 01:05:40 ~ There are obstacles in the way
886 01:05:43 - ~ But together we shall overcome- ~ Overcome
887 01:05:46 ~ Cos you can't break our spiritand you can't kill our dream
888 01:05:51 ~ Do you have any more gum,more gum, more gum, more gum?
889 01:05:56 ~ Do you have any more gum?
890 01:06:06 Oh. Hello, kids.
891 01:06:09 Mr Anderson, is that you?
892 01:06:11 Oh.
893 01:06:12 Yes, actually, it is.
894 01:06:14 This is just... Well, this is...
895 01:06:18 Normally I don't allow children to bein my home without parental supervision.
896 01:06:23 So why don't you just run on... Oh, boy.
897 01:06:26 It sure is great to have all you kids comesurprise me like this at my home, but I...
898 01:06:31 Mr Anderson, Billy said the stuffthat you said didn't happen.
899 01:06:35 Is he lying or are you lying?
900 01:06:37 Oh, well, listen, kids.It's not always as simple as all that.
901 01:06:45 The statement I made about Billy Madisonwas and is completely untrue.
902 01:06:49 No.
903 01:06:50 I know now that I shallnever escape my fate...
904 01:06:52 - ..as the Revolting Blob.- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
905 01:06:58 (Anderson ) It's somethingI must learn to live with.
906 01:07:01 Joyce?
907 01:07:03 What a mess.
908 01:07:06 First this psycho goes on TV,lies, then retracts it.
909 01:07:10 And now Eric's secretary is in a coma.
910 01:07:14 Carl, has anybody been able to find outanything about this Max guy?
911 01:07:19 No, sir. He's vanished.Nobody has any idea where he is.
912 01:07:23 - I believed in Billy all along, sir.- Cut the horseshit!
913 01:07:26 - I know you blackmailed Max.- Take it easy, Billy.
914 01:07:28 Things were going along great untilthis wrestling freak messed things up.
915 01:07:35 Billy should getanother shot at high school.
916 01:07:37 Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed tofinish each grade within the two weeks...
917 01:07:42 ..or I get the company.He didn't finish ninth grade.
918 01:07:45 Eric, certainly there areextenuating circumstances.
919 01:07:48 Extenuating, exschmenuating.We had a deal. A signed, written deal.
920 01:07:52 Each grade, two weeks,or I get the company.
921 01:07:55 Well, technically you're right, but...
922 01:07:57 Oh, shut up, Brian. I've hadto listen to your jawing for too long.
923 01:08:01 ''Well, technically...''
924 01:08:03 Just shut up! Are you readyto hand the company over to me now?
925 01:08:08 - No.- Then I'll see your ass in court.
926 01:08:12 Good.
927 01:08:13 Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads.
928 01:08:17 Hey, Eric, how would you liketo settle this now, no lawyers?
929 01:08:20 You and me, mano y mano.
930 01:08:22 - What does that mean?- What does that mean?
931 01:08:25 - Carl, what does that mean?- Uh... I don't know.
932 01:08:32 It means an academic decathlon.
933 01:08:34 One day, ten events, testing all theknowledge one would gain in high school.
934 01:08:38 Me versus you.
935 01:08:41 - You're joking, right?- Let's take it a little easy here, Billy.
936 01:08:45 No, I'm serious. Let's do it.Let's do it on Friday.
937 01:08:49 - Let's do it.- Is that all right with you, Daddy?
938 01:08:52 Well, if you think you can beat him.
939 01:08:54 Oh, I can. And I will.
940 01:08:58 - It's a deal.- (whispers ) I know it was you.
941 01:09:04 You broke my heart.
942 01:09:09 Here are the trigonometry hand-outs.
943 01:09:11 Last year's physics notes.Best I could do.
944 01:09:14 Thanks a lot, fellas. You're saving my life.
945 01:09:21 O'Doyle rules.
946 01:09:23 O'Doyle, I got a feelingyour whole family's goin' down.
947 01:09:27 But for now I gotta study.
948 01:09:31 (Veronica ) Norman invasion of England.
949 01:09:34 1066.
950 01:09:38 That is correct.
951 01:09:42 The Magna Carta.
952 01:09:47 1215?
953 01:09:52 Yes.
954 01:09:56 Spanish Armada.
955 01:10:01 1466?
956 01:10:07 '67? 1469?
957 01:10:10 1514?
958 01:10:12 1981? 1986?
959 01:10:15 Please do not do that. Come on, I swear...Just hang in there one second.
960 01:10:20 Please, God, give me the answer!
961 01:10:25 Buenos dias.
962 01:10:28 Buenas tardes.
963 01:10:30 Buenas noches.
964 01:10:32 (speaks French very quickly )
965 01:10:38 Slow down.
966 01:10:41 (speaks French very quickly )
967 01:10:48 Oh(!)
968 01:10:54 Spanish Armada...
969 01:10:56 1588.
970 01:10:58 That is correct.
971 01:11:11 Ladies and gentlemen, thanks toa generous donation by Mr Madison...
972 01:11:15 ..to the Knibb High School library, I havebeen able to arrange for ten teachers...
973 01:11:19 ..to administer this academic decathlonin various courses of study.
974 01:11:23 However, if there is any attemptby either contestant to cheat,...
975 01:11:27 ..especially with my wife, who is a dirty,dirty tramp, I am just gonna snap.
976 01:11:34 Do I make myself clear?
977 01:11:37 - Yes, sir.- Yes, sir.
978 01:11:38 All right, then.Let the academic decathlon begin.
979 01:12:08 (Billy laughs )
980 01:12:29 Second team, all-American, Harvard track.
981 01:12:32 Is that right?
982 01:12:37 Oh, gross! Did you see that guy's balls?
983 01:12:40 Yeah, they were weird-lookin'.
984 01:12:48 Whoa!
985 01:13:03 (tuneful melody )
986 01:13:22 (squeaking )
987 01:13:26 He's good.
988 01:13:28 To be, or not to be:
989 01:13:32 that is the question:
990 01:13:34 Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
991 01:13:38 The slings and arrowsof outrageous fortune...
992 01:13:42 Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
993 01:13:47 And by opposing end them?
994 01:13:52 To die: to sleep;
995 01:13:56 No more.
996 01:13:58 (boy ) Billy!
997 01:14:02 Hey, hey, hey. Who rules?
998 01:14:03 O'Doyle rules!
999 01:14:06 O'Doyle rules!
1000 01:14:07 O'Doyle rules!
1001 01:14:09 O'Doyle rules!
1002 01:14:10 O'Doyle rules!
1003 01:14:12 O'Doyle rules!
1004 01:14:14 O'Doyle rules!
1005 01:14:15 O'Doyle rules!
1006 01:14:17 (explosion )
1007 01:14:31 Good afternoon, students.
1008 01:14:33 You've been invited here todayto witness the tenth and final event...
1009 01:14:36 ..in the competition betweenMr Eric Gordon and Mr Billy Madison.
1010 01:14:48 As of this moment, Mr Madisonis ahead by one point.
1011 01:14:53 Each competitor will selectthe final category for his opponent.
1012 01:14:57 Mr Madison will go first.Mr Gordon, choose the topic.
1013 01:15:03 English Literature.
1014 01:15:05 US Presidents.
1015 01:15:07 My Wife, the Tramp.
1016 01:15:11 Burning Dog Pooand the Human Response.
1017 01:15:14 Reflections of Society in Literature.
1018 01:15:17 Reflections of Society in Literature.
1019 01:15:20 Good luck, schmuck.
1020 01:15:24 Mr Madison.
1021 01:15:26 The Industrial Revolution changedthe face of the modern novel for ever.
1022 01:15:30 Discuss, citing specific examples.
1023 01:15:36 (yelling )
1024 01:15:38 (clears throat )
1025 01:15:42 Uh...
1026 01:15:44 Come on!
1027 01:15:50 OK.
1028 01:15:52 The Industrial Revolution, to me,is just like a story I know...
1029 01:15:56 ..called The Puppy Who Lost His Way.
1030 01:16:01 The world was changing...
1031 01:16:03 ..and the puppy was getting... bigger.
1032 01:16:08 So, you see, the puppy was like industry,...
1033 01:16:13 ..in that they were bothlost in the woods,...
1034 01:16:17 ..and nobody, especially the little boy -society - knew where to find them.
1035 01:16:27 Except that the puppy... was a dog.
1036 01:16:32 But the industry, my friends,...
1037 01:16:35 ..that was a revolution.
1038 01:16:41 Knibb High football rules!
1039 01:16:56 Mr Madison, what you've just said...
1040 01:17:00 ..is one of the most insanelyidiotic things I have ever heard.
1041 01:17:04 At no point in your rambling,incoherent response...
1042 01:17:08 ..were you even close to anything thatcould be considered a rational thought.
1043 01:17:13 Everyone in this room is now dumberfor having listened to it.
1044 01:17:18 I award you no points,and may God have mercy on your soul.
1045 01:17:24 OK. A simple ''wrong''would have done just fine, but...
1046 01:17:27 You remain one point ahead.
1047 01:17:29 Mr Gordon, it is your turn.Mr Madison, choose the topic.
1048 01:17:39 I choose Business Ethics.
1049 01:17:46 Mr Gordon. The American businessenvironment has fundamentally changed...
1050 01:17:51 ..following the insider tradingand savings and loan scandals.
1051 01:17:54 Explain business ethics,and how they are applied today.
1052 01:18:08 The, uh, ethics of, uh, business...
1053 01:18:12 ..can be summarised in...
1054 01:18:18 Yeah, um...
1055 01:18:20 See...
1056 01:18:21 Ethics are, uh...
1057 01:18:24 You know, the... the thing about ethics...
1058 01:18:27 Aagh!
1059 01:18:32 That question was not fair!That was not in the reading.
1060 01:18:35 - I demand a new question.- Take it easy, psycho.
1061 01:18:39 You blew it. You lose.
1062 01:18:42 I oughta blow you away, you miserable...
1063 01:18:44 Well, go ahead and do it.
1064 01:18:47 Yikes!
1065 01:18:52 No!
1066 01:18:54 (Eric ) Get off me!
1067 01:19:02 No!
1068 01:19:09 Man, I'm glad I called that guy.
1069 01:19:18 - Max, are you OK?- Yeah. Yeah, I'm OK.
1070 01:19:21 OK.
1071 01:19:22 A little confused, kinda sweaty,...
1072 01:19:26 ..a little hungry,...
1073 01:19:27 ..but all in all I'm OK.
1074 01:19:41 Thank you, thank you,thank you very much. Thank you.
1075 01:19:44 Well, what can I say? I graduated.It's over. I did it.
1076 01:19:50 I know most of you are sayin'''Hey, any idiot could do that.''
1077 01:19:54 Well, it was tough for me, so back off!
1078 01:19:59 - Sorry. Sorry about that.- Yahoo, Billy! Billy's number one! Yahoo!
1079 01:20:06 (Billy ) That's nice, buddy.
1080 01:20:08 Yahoo!
1081 01:20:10 Yahoo for school!
1082 01:20:12 Yahoo for me!
1083 01:20:16 Anyways, this hotel stuffreally isn't for me,...
1084 01:20:20 ..so I decided to step downas chairman of Madison Hotels...
1085 01:20:25 ..and give the company to Carl.
1086 01:20:32 I'm gonna go to college.I'm gonna be a teacher.
1087 01:20:38 - Peace! I'm outta here!- (cheering )
1088 01:20:41 Daddy.
1089 01:20:43 What can I say? I saved the day, I guess.
1090 01:20:46 I mean, Eric doesn'ttake over the company.
1091 01:20:49 Are you sure this is what you wanna do?
1092 01:20:51 I'm sure, Dad. Thanks for everything.
1093 01:20:57 Max! What can I say, buddy?You saved my life.
1094 01:21:00 You don't have to say anything.I'm so proud of you.
1095 01:21:04 But I'm still horny.
1096 01:21:07 All right, man. You're hurting me.
1097 01:21:14 You think he's horny.
1098 01:21:16 Come here.
