像素大战 (Pixels)(EN)Subtitles
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1 00:01:35 Cooper, it's open.
2 00:01:36 It's open?
3 00:01:37 Come on!
4 00:01:40 It's supposed to be awesome.
5 00:01:43 Thank you.
6 00:01:43 Hey, give me back my quarters, you hoser!
7 00:01:46 Mom!
8 00:02:42 Damn.
9 00:02:44 What?
10 00:02:47 I suck.
11 00:02:56 Wow, Sam.
12 00:02:58 How are you so good at this? You've never even played it before.
13 00:03:02 I don't know.
14 00:03:04 There's a pattern to how they're moving. Watch.
15 00:03:09 I don't see it, but you sure as hell do.
16 00:03:37 Use the Force. Use the Force.
17 00:03:49 Hey, Chewie.
18 00:03:50 You're a superstar, dude.
19 00:03:52 And it's time to show the world.
20 00:04:07 Attention, all contestants.
21 00:04:08 The competition will start in 15 minutes.
22 00:04:12 You too? That's so funny.
23 00:04:17 Really?
24 00:04:19 I think you're pretty darn foxy yourself.
25 00:04:26 Lady Lisa, I'll love you till the end of time.
26 00:04:30 -Who are you talking to? -Nobody!
27 00:04:32 We'll talk later.
28 00:04:33 You're Ludlow Lamonsoff, the Wonder Kid, right?
29 00:04:35 Who told you that? The government?
30 00:04:38 'Cause I'm this close to figuring out the secret of the Bermuda Triangle.
31 00:04:41 Wow, you don't have any friends, do you?
32 00:04:44 Just my grandma.
33 00:04:48 Well, Wonder Kid, you can hang out with us.
34 00:04:51 Really?
35 00:04:56 What's up, geeks and goobers?
36 00:04:58 They call me the Fire Blaster!
37 00:05:01 'Cause my hands are blazing fast,
38 00:05:03 and also I will blast and burn all my competitors' weak-ass moves.
39 00:05:13 You must be the local talent.
40 00:05:15 If this was a fugly contest, I'd be in trouble.
41 00:05:19 At least we didn't make up our own nicknames, Fire Blaster.
42 00:05:21 Who cares who came up with it?
43 00:05:23 It's totally tubular.
44 00:05:25 Welcome, gamers, to the first annual
45 00:05:29 Worldwide Video Arcade Championships!
46 00:05:34 Tonight, we have representatives here from the Guinness Book of World Records,
47 00:05:39 as well as NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration,
48 00:05:42 who will be videotaping tonight's competition
49 00:05:45 to be included in a compilation of 1982's news events and popular culture.
50 00:05:49 That videotape will be placed in a space probe
51 00:05:53 which will be launched by NASA into our solar system
52 00:05:56 with the hope of connecting to, and perhaps providing a message for
53 00:05:59 extraterrestrial life, should it exist.
54 00:06:02 It exists.
55 00:06:04 Ladies and gentlemen,
56 00:06:06 start your gaming!
57 00:06:20 All right, ladies and gentlemen, what an evening we have had here.
58 00:06:23 Six new US records set.
59 00:06:26 Three new world records set.
60 00:06:29 And, as the smoke clears, right now we have a tie.
61 00:06:34 Two hundred and fifty-nine points for your new Pac-Man world champion.
62 00:06:39 The Fire Blaster, Eddie Plant!
63 00:06:42 Go, Fire Blaster!
64 00:06:44 And 259 points for your new Galaga Centipede world champion,
65 00:06:49 rookie sensation,
66 00:06:50 Sam Brenner!
67 00:06:53 Yeah, Sam!
68 00:06:56 Well, gentlemen, how 'bout we break this tie.
69 00:06:59 Let's play
70 00:07:00 Donkey Kong!
71 00:07:07 -Good luck, man. -Thanks.
72 00:07:08 You have the patterns down pretty good with these games.
73 00:07:12 You're gonna be tough to beat.
74 00:07:51 You see, the thing about Donkey Kong is,
75 00:07:54 at the higher levels the barrels become more random, possessed almost.
76 00:07:57 And playing by the patterns doesn't do the trick anymore.
77 00:07:59 Does it, Brenner?
78 00:08:21 Congratulations.
79 00:08:24 On coming in second!
80 00:08:31 Fire Blaster is the world champ!
81 00:08:33 The local yokel looked destiny in the eye and blinked.
82 00:08:36 He's a loser, and he will always be a loser.
83 00:08:40 Sam!
84 00:08:41 Sam, Sam, wait.
85 00:08:43 Sam, listen.
86 00:08:44 You're still gonna go to MIT
87 00:08:46 and invent something that makes you a millionaire.
88 00:08:48 And maybe even marry Olivia Newton-John.
89 00:08:52 I was actually thinking Samantha Fox.
90 00:08:54 Nice, but she's no Sheena Easton.
91 00:08:57 Well,
92 00:08:58 there's always Madonna.
93 00:09:00 How about Scarlett Johansson?
94 00:09:02 So hot.
95 00:09:04 Not Halle Berry hot, but so, so hot.
96 00:09:06 And don't forget Katy Perry.
97 00:09:08 What are we doin' right now? We're too old. It's just gross already.
98 00:09:11 Plus, you're married to a woman who hates you.
99 00:09:13 She doesn't hate me. She just doesn't get it, you know.
100 00:09:16 We don't have the free time to do stuff together like we did 10 years ago.
101 00:09:19 This job is killing me, man.
102 00:09:21 If I were you,
103 00:09:23 maybe a half hour a day, turn off the cell phone,
104 00:09:27 shut down the emails, put away the Reggie bars and focus on your wife.
105 00:09:31 The President's gaffe-filled summer continued today...
106 00:09:33 Hold on a second. I gotta see this.
107 00:09:34 ...at Joseph Knibb Elementary School
108 00:09:36 to promote his new youth reading initiative.
109 00:09:38 Here's what happened.
110 00:09:39 "Mittens jumped up onto the table and knocked over the whole bowl of soup.
111 00:09:44 "Mrs. Pickles gassed... Gasped."
112 00:09:46 She gasped.
113 00:09:48 "And the whole room fell silent.
114 00:09:50 "This was casta...
115 00:09:52 "This is cast...
116 00:09:54 "Catatastrophic."
117 00:09:56 Catastrophic.
118 00:09:57 I got it, sweetheart, okay?
119 00:10:00 Why'd you yell at me?
120 00:10:01 You're mean.
121 00:10:02 Leave her alone.
122 00:10:04 The President can't read.
123 00:10:12 You gotta learn how to read, buddy. It's as simple as that.
124 00:10:19 I was on three hours' sleep, all right?
125 00:10:21 -Your economics are hurting poor people! -Nice to see ya!
126 00:10:24 You've got the blood of innocent children on your hands.
127 00:10:26 Thank you for your support.
128 00:10:27 -I can't afford to go to college because of you! -That's a lovely dress.
129 00:10:30 -You're ruining the country! -Yeah, we're all in this together, now.
130 00:10:34 You got a rough life, bud.
131 00:10:35 -Sir? -Thank you.
132 00:10:38 But at least you have a life.
133 00:10:39 Look, Brenner, you're meant for something more than this.
134 00:10:42 You just need to channel your genius into something productive.
135 00:10:45 I mean, you were incredible at video games back in the day,
136 00:10:47 but that's a useless skill now.
137 00:10:49 It's like being a great blacksmith.
138 00:10:51 That hurt, man. That's catatastrophic that you said that.
139 00:10:55 I'm gonna get you back for that.
140 00:10:56 Mr. President, if you take away all the libraries, sir,
141 00:11:00 how will the children ever learn to read?
142 00:11:05 Blacksmith, over and out.
143 00:11:38 Hello. I am a nerd from the Nerd Brigade.
144 00:11:41 Here to nerd out on all your audio and visual needs.
145 00:11:45 Do you have to say that every time you show up at a house?
146 00:11:47 If I wanna get paid, yes.
147 00:11:49 Isn't that kind of demeaning?
148 00:11:51 Only if someone brings it up.
149 00:11:53 -Okay, I won't bring it up, then. -Thanks.
150 00:11:55 Come on in.
151 00:11:58 So, what am I installing?
152 00:12:00 A new 85-inch, 4K, 3D TV,
153 00:12:03 PlayStation 4, 7.1 surround-sound speakers.
154 00:12:07 Really, if you guys sell it, we've probably bought it.
155 00:12:11 Is it your birthday?
156 00:12:12 No, my parents are getting a divorce.
157 00:12:14 So it's like 10 birthdays.
158 00:12:16 Yeah, my dad cheated on my mom with his 19-year-old Pilates instructor.
159 00:12:20 Her name's Sinnamon, with an "S"
160 00:12:22 which really tells you all you need to know about her.
161 00:12:25 No, I could hear a little more. You got any pictures?
162 00:12:27 I'm kiddin'. I'm sorry to hear that.
163 00:12:28 My mom kind of hates him right now.
164 00:12:30 And she says she's gonna invent a slut-seeking missile to take out Sinnamon.
165 00:12:34 Okay, Matty, you don't need to tell the nice installer man our whole life.
166 00:12:40 Whoa.
167 00:12:41 I'm sorry, "Whoa"?
168 00:12:43 -What? -No, just you. Whoa.
169 00:12:45 Me? Whoa? I don't even know what that means.
170 00:12:49 I mean, it's just, when your son told me
171 00:12:51 that your husband left you for a 19-year-old,
172 00:12:55 I guess I thought you were gonna be, like
173 00:12:58 one of those "hot when we first met in high school,
174 00:13:01 "but then let herself go and got a potbelly and turkey neck
175 00:13:06 "with a hairy chin."
176 00:13:07 But clearly that's not the case.
177 00:13:10 So more like, "Whoa,
178 00:13:12 I should have brushed my teeth before I left the house this morning."
179 00:13:15 Or studio apartment, if we're getting real here.
180 00:13:18 Did you really not brush your teeth this morning?
181 00:13:21 No, I did.
182 00:13:22 I guess I should just start settin' this stuff up right now.
183 00:13:26 Go get 'em.
184 00:13:43 Colonel Devereux.
185 00:13:45 You need to see this, sir.
186 00:13:51 We're under attack.
187 00:14:03 What the hell are those things?
188 00:14:05 So are you a gamer?
189 00:14:09 Yeah.
190 00:14:10 I played when I was your age.
191 00:14:12 Were you any good?
192 00:14:14 I was pretty good at some of the classic games.
193 00:14:18 Classics. You mean like Halo and Call of Duty.
194 00:14:20 No! The real classics.
195 00:14:22 Defender, Pac-Man, Asteroids.
196 00:14:25 Games you played in an arcade
197 00:14:27 which was a building outside of your house.
198 00:14:30 You would go there with your friends, listen to music,
199 00:14:32 cute girls everywhere.
200 00:14:34 In ancient times, they called it "socializing."
201 00:14:38 What are you guys talking about?
202 00:14:39 -Video games. -Video games.
203 00:14:47 I'll be right back.
204 00:14:52 Mrs. Van Patten.
205 00:14:54 All finished up down there.
206 00:14:55 I need you to sign the work order.
207 00:14:57 Okay.
208 00:15:01 Mrs. Van Patten, are you in the closet?
209 00:15:03 Yes.
210 00:15:06 Not judging, but what are you doin' in the closet?
211 00:15:10 I'm mostly crying.
212 00:15:12 A little drinking.
213 00:15:15 Probably equally crying and drinking.
214 00:15:17 Something I do often, also.
215 00:15:20 But why in the closet?
216 00:15:23 Because I don't want Matty to see me.
217 00:15:30 I'm comin' in the closet, Mrs. Van Patten.
218 00:15:33 I'm opening the door.
219 00:15:39 Are you all right?
220 00:15:41 I'm sobbing on the floor of my closet drinking Chardonnay out of a sippy cup.
221 00:15:45 So I guess not.
222 00:15:46 Sorry. I withdraw the question.
223 00:15:54 God.
224 00:15:57 -Wanna talk about it? -No.
225 00:16:01 Yes!
226 00:16:03 Yes.
227 00:16:07 God.
228 00:16:10 Sir, we are in the midst of an aerial attack by an unidentified force!
229 00:16:15 Activate the QRF.
230 00:17:07 Mama! No!
231 00:17:15 We were high-school sweethearts. The perfect couple.
232 00:17:19 Do you know that he proposed in a waterfall?
233 00:17:22 -I mean, a freaking waterfall. -Smooth.
234 00:17:24 But now, according to a text I got 20 minutes ago,
235 00:17:27 he's marrying a 19-year-old named after a spice.
236 00:17:31 It's not even spelled correctly.
237 00:17:36 It's just not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life.
238 00:17:39 God. I hear that.
239 00:17:41 I was supposed to have a baby with my ex-wife.
240 00:17:45 And the doctor who was helping us make the baby did help us make the baby.
241 00:17:49 But, unfortunately, I wasn't in the room.
242 00:18:01 Maybe this really is all for the best.
243 00:18:05 How do you mean?
244 00:18:06 You already married the wrong guy. You got the worst part over with.
245 00:18:10 True, and you married the wrong girl.
246 00:18:15 Maybe it just means we're gonna meet the right person now.
247 00:18:23 Yeah.
248 00:18:24 Yeah.
249 00:18:35 Are you trying to kiss me?
250 00:18:37 Absolutely not.
251 00:18:38 God.
252 00:18:40 Sorry, I thought we were having a moment.
253 00:18:42 We were. A moment.
254 00:18:46 Look, you seem like a very nice guy, but I just met you, okay?
255 00:18:49 And, no offense,
256 00:18:51 I don't think my rebound guy is a 210-pound person
257 00:18:55 that installs flat screens for a living.
258 00:18:58 First of all, 208.
259 00:19:00 And, wow, I didn't peg you as the snobby type.
260 00:19:03 Snob? Me?
261 00:19:05 Okay.
262 00:19:07 I am not a snob.
263 00:19:08 Okay, well, let's just say I was a billionaire,
264 00:19:11 and we were out on my giant yacht
265 00:19:13 in the middle of the Mediterranean, sipping champagne,
266 00:19:16 and I went in to kiss you.
267 00:19:17 Would you have kissed me back, then?
268 00:19:21 Hold that thought, snobby.
269 00:19:25 Big Man!
270 00:19:26 Can you get to the White House right now?
271 00:19:28 I'll be there in 15.
272 00:19:31 While I'd love to stick around and listen to you lie
273 00:19:34 about not wanting to make out with the yacht guy,
274 00:19:36 I have to go.
275 00:19:38 For the record, I'm an amazing kisser.
276 00:19:40 All us nerds are.
277 00:19:41 'Cause we appreciate it more.
278 00:19:44 You didn't even brush your teeth this morning.
279 00:19:47 I ate a Tic Tac.
280 00:20:06 Too late, sweetheart. You had your shot and ya blew it.
281 00:20:09 I'm not following you.
282 00:20:11 Yeah, whatever you say, stalky. It's over. Deal with it.
283 00:20:24 Whoa, she went from zero to psycho in 3.4 seconds, a new world record.
284 00:20:44 Hey, Steve-O.
285 00:20:45 There's a crazy woman following me.
286 00:20:47 I guarantee she's here to shoot the President.
287 00:20:48 And if I were you, I'd break out the billy club and go full throttle on her,
288 00:20:52 seriously.
289 00:21:00 Go right on through, Lieutenant Colonel.
290 00:21:10 -Why are you following me? -God.
291 00:21:13 God. I can't believe they even let you in here.
292 00:21:16 Right.
293 00:21:18 Colonel Van Patten, you can go right into the Situation Room.
294 00:21:22 See, they need me in the Situation Room,
295 00:21:24 so have fun doing whatever you're doing.
296 00:21:26 Mr. Brenner, the President is waiting for you in the Oval Office.
297 00:21:31 Somebody's more important.
298 00:21:38 Freddy, can you keep the riffraff outta here?
299 00:21:47 Yo, wassup?
300 00:21:48 Come on, you couldn't have at least changed?
301 00:21:51 You told me to rush right over.
302 00:21:53 What's going on, man? Why's it so crazy out there?
303 00:21:56 Our Air Force base in Guam was attacked.
304 00:21:58 By who?
305 00:21:59 I'm not sure. That's what I wanted to ask you.
306 00:22:01 Come here. Check this out.
307 00:22:03 Me?
308 00:22:04 Yes, you. Come here.
309 00:22:07 Listen to this.
310 00:22:10 Does that sound familiar to you?
311 00:22:12 Yeah. Where do I know that from?
312 00:22:15 -Can you freeze it? -Yeah, hold on.
313 00:22:18 Go in tighter.
314 00:22:22 -That can't be real. -So you're seeing the same thing I'm seeing.
315 00:22:26 What kind of mushrooms did that guy put on our burgers?
316 00:22:31 -They're ready for you, Mr. President. -Great.
317 00:22:33 Now I gotta explain this to the National Security Council.
318 00:22:35 Listen, do me a favor, Sam.
319 00:22:37 Watch that again, okay?
320 00:22:38 And just see if there's anything you can find to help us out.
321 00:22:41 Yeah. Can I sit in your chair?
322 00:22:43 No, you can't, and everything's recorded.
323 00:22:44 Okay, I won't. I won't. I won't.
324 00:22:48 I'm sittin' in the chair. Gimme a break.
325 00:22:53 Mr. President, we told the press
326 00:22:56 that it was an advanced weapons test that misfired.
327 00:22:58 -So there's no mass panic yet. -Well, good.
328 00:23:00 Then let's solve this thing before there is.
329 00:23:03 Mr. President, someone's made a major breakthrough in drone technology
330 00:23:05 and it wasn't us.
331 00:23:06 This has got Moscow's fingerprints all over it.
332 00:23:08 Nonsense! It's an Iranian black-ops sideshow.
333 00:23:11 I guarantee it.
334 00:23:12 I have a theory.
335 00:23:13 I think, based on analysis of the footage,
336 00:23:16 that preliminary indications are that we were attacked by
337 00:23:21 Galaga.
338 00:23:23 By who, sir?
339 00:23:25 Galaga.
340 00:23:26 Sons of bitches.
341 00:23:28 Then let's blow Galaga to hell.
342 00:23:31 Who's Galaga?
343 00:23:33 It's an old-timey video game, '80s kind of folks like my dad used to play.
344 00:23:37 Mr. President, there is no nation on Earth that has the military technology
345 00:23:41 to simply pixelate entire buildings.
346 00:23:43 Except Iran.
347 00:23:45 Forget Iran!
348 00:23:46 I'm thinking this is a cutting-edge multinational enterprise.
349 00:23:48 An NGO, a think tank, maybe even a corporation.
350 00:23:51 We're thinkin' Iran when we should be thinking Google.
351 00:23:54 So let's blow up Google.
352 00:23:56 Can somebody take Grandpa's keys away before he drives us into a ditch?
353 00:24:03 -Who is this person? -The sandwich guy?
354 00:24:06 This here is my old arcade game technical
355 00:24:10 advisor person-guy.
356 00:24:13 Sam Brenner. He works in the tech sector.
357 00:24:16 So Caltech, MIT?
358 00:24:17 MIT. Yes.
359 00:24:19 Mississippi Institute of Technology, though.
360 00:24:21 Not the one you were thinking of.
361 00:24:22 Anyway, more to the current point,
362 00:24:24 Mr. Brenner here was the World Galaga Champion.
363 00:24:27 He knows everything there is to know about this game.
364 00:24:29 So, what is it you and your orange shorts barged in here to say?
365 00:24:32 Just the Galaga that attacked us,
366 00:24:35 that doesn't exist anymore.
367 00:24:37 Hello. You can download Galaga on your phone for $1.99.
368 00:24:41 Yeah, not this version though, Blue Lagoon.
369 00:24:44 The Galaga that exists now came out in 1986.
370 00:24:48 But this is the 1982 arcade version.
371 00:24:50 And all those machines, they recalled them, they reprogrammed them,
372 00:24:53 because there were glitches in the original code.
373 00:24:55 You can see from the giant space bugs, the way they come swoopin' in.
374 00:24:58 Kind of ziggy-zaggy.
375 00:25:00 Ziggy-zag? Is that the snobby term?
376 00:25:01 So someone designed these space bugs
377 00:25:04 after an old out-of-print version of a video game from 30 years ago
378 00:25:07 that nobody would know today?
379 00:25:09 Does she really get to talk twice? She's not even at the grown-ups table.
380 00:25:12 I'm sorry. Is this a National Security Council meeting,
381 00:25:15 or a dorm-room drug party?
382 00:25:17 Our nation has just been attacked by an unknown military force.
383 00:25:21 If this gets out to the press that we're pinning the blame
384 00:25:23 on some old computer game,
385 00:25:25 they'll not only mock you in the news, Mr. President, they'd impeach you!
386 00:25:30 So I suggest the man in the orange shorts leave the room immediately.
387 00:25:35 And those of us with long pants and government positions
388 00:25:38 can discuss our options.
389 00:25:43 All right, Brenner. Do me a favor.
390 00:25:45 Take off, all right? I appreciate the help.
391 00:25:47 Bye!
392 00:25:50 Sorry, everybody.
393 00:25:53 Mr. President.
394 00:25:56 Generals and Admirals.
395 00:25:59 Guys in suits.
396 00:26:01 Zac Efron.
397 00:26:03 Gandalf,
398 00:26:04 and Harry Potter in the same room.
399 00:26:06 Imagine that.
400 00:26:08 Grandpa, we'll see you around the nursing home.
401 00:26:13 The sandwich guy is here.
402 00:26:16 Fooled you.
403 00:26:19 Past the shortstop into left center field for a single.
404 00:26:23 That's the second straight inning where Washington has led off with a single.
405 00:26:26 They're talking about how he's standing straight up over the plate.
406 00:26:30 That seems to be working out for him,
407 00:26:31 'cause he just drove that ball into the gap hard.
408 00:26:34 First pitch taken outside for a ball, 1-0,
409 00:26:36 and the 1-0 swung...
410 00:26:38 Brenner!
411 00:26:44 What's your problem, dude?
412 00:26:46 What's goin' on?
413 00:26:48 No, Brenner!
414 00:26:50 No, Brenner, no, no, no!
415 00:26:52 Stop! It's me! It's me! It's Ludlow! It's Ludlow.
416 00:26:55 -Ludlow Lamonsoff, the Wonder Kid? -Yeah.
417 00:26:59 How'd you get into my van?
418 00:27:00 I've been in there ever since you went to that nice lady's house.
419 00:27:03 She's cute, by the way.
420 00:27:04 What?
421 00:27:06 -What is that? -This is moisturizer.
422 00:27:10 Show me what that is.
423 00:27:13 Chloroform?
424 00:27:14 Is that what that says?
425 00:27:15 You were gonna drug me?
426 00:27:17 -Only as a last resort. -What are you...
427 00:27:19 -There was something I had to tell you. -Why didn't you call me, then?
428 00:27:22 Because the CIA has been tapping my phones
429 00:27:24 ever since I found out the Zapruder film has been edited.
430 00:27:27 JFK shot first!
431 00:27:31 Ludlow, it is you!
432 00:27:33 -Hi, buddy! Let me look at you! -Hey! Good to see you, my boy!
433 00:27:37 How are you? My goodness! Look at you!
434 00:27:40 -I know. -Stayin' in shape!
435 00:27:41 I'm on an all protein diet, but I'm also doing carbs.
436 00:27:44 -Good. -But seriously, Brenner.
437 00:27:46 There's something I have to show you.
438 00:27:48 And let's just say
439 00:27:51 it's a game changer.
440 00:27:56 You're the first guest I've had here. Voluntarily.
441 00:27:59 That's a shocker.
442 00:28:06 If Lady Lisa was real,
443 00:28:08 she'd have about 17 restraining orders out on you.
444 00:28:11 Actually, I think if she was real,
445 00:28:13 things might just play out a little bit differently.
446 00:28:14 You wanna know how I know that?
447 00:28:16 If She Was Real.
448 00:28:17 A book written and illustrated by Ludlow Lamonsoff.
449 00:28:19 Boy.
450 00:28:27 You should sell that at Barnes & Unstable.
451 00:28:29 -Do you want a copy? -No.
452 00:28:31 I have eight others.
453 00:28:32 Why am I here right now? Why did you try to roofie me?
454 00:28:35 Right. Thank you for reminding me. Okay. Follow me.
455 00:28:40 Earlier today, our military base in Guam
456 00:28:42 was attacked by this guy, Galaga.
457 00:28:44 How would you know that?
458 00:28:45 I have a pen pal in Guam. His name is Baubau.
459 00:28:47 Baubau was terribly frightened,
460 00:28:49 so I hacked into the government's servers
461 00:28:50 to assure Baubau that everything was okay.
462 00:28:52 But you know what? Everything was not okay.
463 00:28:54 Ludlow! Did you get me some diet root beer while you were out?
464 00:28:59 You remember my grandma.
465 00:29:01 She's still a character after all those years.
466 00:29:05 No, no, Grandma! It's funny.
467 00:29:07 I didn't get a chance to because...
468 00:29:09 What happened? I remember now.
469 00:29:10 I'm trying to save the world from annihilation!
470 00:29:15 Are you nuts?
471 00:29:16 You cracker!
472 00:29:18 Don't yell at me!
473 00:29:20 So look, I know that sometimes people think of me as a bit of a conspiracy nut.
474 00:29:24 Right.
475 00:29:25 But sometimes, Brenner, sometimes
476 00:29:28 the conspiracies are real.
477 00:29:30 Have you been playing Space Invaders a lot lately?
478 00:29:33 I have. How did you know that?
479 00:29:34 'Cause you're invading my space. Back up.
480 00:29:36 Brenner, do you remember when we were children,
481 00:29:39 and we played in that video game championship?
482 00:29:40 Of course, buddy.
483 00:29:42 Do you remember how there was a tape of the event
484 00:29:44 and all the games that were played
485 00:29:45 that was then put in a capsule and shot out into the universe
486 00:29:48 looking for extraterrestrial life?
487 00:29:51 I have reason to believe that some alien life force found that tape
488 00:29:55 and has sent down real-life versions of what they saw
489 00:30:00 to attack us.
490 00:30:01 Brenner, I spent the day on 4chan
491 00:30:03 searching for messages from the aliens to prove my theory.
492 00:30:06 -And you wanna know something? -Tell me.
493 00:30:08 I came up absolutely empty.
494 00:30:09 So then, as a distraction, I got up
495 00:30:12 to try to watch an episode of One Tree Hill
496 00:30:14 that I recorded on my VCR last night.
497 00:30:15 I've been binge-watching to catch up.
498 00:30:17 And you don't have cable because...
499 00:30:19 Because the government spies on us through our cable boxes, Brenner.
500 00:30:22 That's been proven.
501 00:30:23 And you don't want them to see you dancin' around
502 00:30:25 in your underwear for Lady Lisa. I get it.
503 00:30:26 No, that tape was burned three months ago. Anyway...
504 00:30:31 In the middle of the UHF broadcast,
505 00:30:33 something peculiar interrupted Sophia Bush's sexy shenanigans.
506 00:30:37 No, you're the freak with the fat...
507 00:30:44 Inhabitants of Earth,
508 00:30:46 we are a race from the planet Volula.
509 00:30:49 We came to you in these familiar Earth forms
510 00:30:52 to tell we received your vessel.
511 00:30:54 And in it, your hostile challenge.
512 00:30:56 We accept your offer to compete in winner-take-all battles.
513 00:31:01 Gather your bravest warriors to face our bravest warriors!
514 00:31:06 The winner takes the loser's planet.
515 00:31:08 You have already lost the first battle.
516 00:31:10 And for our victory, we have taken a trophy.
517 00:31:14 I'm okay, Mama.
518 00:31:16 I love you.
519 00:31:19 That's not the real Madonna!
520 00:31:21 You will get three lives.
521 00:31:23 You have two lives left.
522 00:31:25 Losing both will lead to the total destruction of your planet.
523 00:31:29 The next battle is in 15 hours
524 00:31:31 at coordinates 27°24' 79".
525 00:31:37 Okay, I got lost about halfway through.
526 00:31:38 Why does Madonna wanna take over our planet?
527 00:31:40 These moron aliens think that the footage NASA sent up to space
528 00:31:44 of us playing video games in 1982
529 00:31:46 was a declaration of war.
530 00:31:48 Intergalactic war, Mr. President.
531 00:31:50 Isn't that crazy? Isn't that unpredictable?
532 00:31:53 Lud, listen. You helped unscramble my Cinemax when we were kids.
533 00:31:57 I think you can call me Chewie.
534 00:31:58 What do they mean by three lives? What is that?
535 00:32:01 If I may. See, that's just it.
536 00:32:03 It's like the video games of old, Chewie Mr. President.
537 00:32:07 One quarter, three lives.
538 00:32:11 This is clearly not a quarter. This is far more valuable. May I keep this?
539 00:32:13 -Put it back on the desk. -Fair enough.
540 00:32:15 We lost the first one, Galaga.
541 00:32:17 Two more losses and...
542 00:32:19 It's game over.
543 00:32:20 Now, assuming that...
544 00:32:22 -You know what, that's not happening. -Fair enough.
545 00:32:24 Assuming that Alien Madonna's numbers are actually latitude and longitude,
546 00:32:28 then we can safely assume that the next attack should happen somewhere
547 00:32:31 in Northern India tonight.
548 00:32:33 If you can get your guys from the NSA to clean up the signal,
549 00:32:36 then we can pinpoint exactly where the attack is gonna be,
550 00:32:39 and maybe even which game they're gonna use to attack us.
551 00:32:42 I can't authorize a military response
552 00:32:44 based off a video that looks like it was made by a couple high school kids.
553 00:32:48 You gotta at least warn the people of India somethin' could be comin'.
554 00:32:51 The whole country thinks I'm a buffoon right now as it is.
555 00:32:54 Look, I can't risk it, Brenner. I just can't!
556 00:32:58 So I guess we've been dating for almost three years now.
557 00:33:01 Yes, almost three.
558 00:33:03 They have been the best years of my life.
559 00:33:07 ...and I think we have something very special.
560 00:33:09 Raj, is this what I think it is?
561 00:33:27 Will you marry me?
562 00:34:09 Don't sweat the whole Taj Mahal thing.
563 00:34:11 It's probably better that there's only an even six Wonders of the World now.
564 00:34:14 You know what? I get it. I screwed up.
565 00:34:16 It won't happen again. Shut up.
566 00:34:18 Good morning, Mr. President.
567 00:34:20 What's Radio Shack Robbie doing here? And this other
568 00:34:23 fella.
569 00:34:24 Hi. Ludlow Lamonsoff.
570 00:34:26 We've actually met before, but you wouldn't remember
571 00:34:29 because it was in the back of Brenner's van
572 00:34:31 and I was watching you through a window.
573 00:34:32 You smell so nice, like the Book of Genesis.
574 00:34:35 Mr. Lamonsoff and Mr. Brenner
575 00:34:38 have agreed to share their video game expertise with you and your team.
576 00:34:41 Happy to do it.
577 00:34:42 With all due respect, sir,
578 00:34:43 having civilians with zero security clearance in this facility is...
579 00:34:46 These civilians have better insight into our current crisis
580 00:34:50 than my entire administration.
581 00:34:51 I dunno if I wanna do it now. She's being so mean.
582 00:34:54 -I kind of wanna leave. -Okay.
583 00:34:55 -If he leaves, I leave. We're a team. -Stop it.
584 00:34:57 This is how it's gonna be the whole time?
585 00:34:58 Guys, knock it off. Lead the way.
586 00:35:00 Of course, Mr. President.
587 00:35:04 So have we made any progress, Colonel?
588 00:35:06 Enormous progress, sir.
589 00:35:08 We now understand the entities that attacked us were made of energy.
590 00:35:11 Intelligent energy.
591 00:35:13 -Morning, Colonel. -Good morning, Michael.
592 00:35:17 Michael's a robot!
593 00:35:20 I think maybe the extraterrestrials took what they saw in the orbiter
594 00:35:23 and recreated the same things using light energy.
595 00:35:26 And then sent these light creatures back at us.
596 00:35:29 That's why solid matter, bullets and missiles, won't harm them.
597 00:35:34 Can anything harm them?
598 00:35:35 Maybe.
599 00:35:37 The cubes we recovered in Guam are normally pretty feisty.
600 00:35:41 Hey, look at that!
601 00:35:43 He didn't like it though.
602 00:35:47 But they calm down pretty quick
603 00:35:49 when we hit them with some super-charged light particles.
604 00:35:53 And the slut-seeking missile, I'd love to see that.
605 00:35:56 -Do you have that around here? -You are so smart.
606 00:35:58 Yeah? You think so?
607 00:35:59 Is that how you got into the Mississippi Institute of Technology?
608 00:36:02 You know, I wish I never went in that closet with you.
609 00:36:04 I was very happy drinking and crying by myself.
610 00:36:07 I so regret trying to kiss you.
611 00:36:09 I would kiss the guy in the yacht 100 times before I kissed you.
612 00:36:20 -Moving on. -Yeah.
613 00:36:23 We have begun instructing the Navy SEAL task force
614 00:36:26 on the use of the prototype weapons.
615 00:36:28 -What do we train for? -War!
616 00:36:30 -Why do we fight? -To win!
617 00:36:31 -When do we quit? -Never!
618 00:36:33 -What do we train for? -War!
619 00:36:35 -Why do we fight? -To win!
620 00:36:37 -When do we quit? -Never!
621 00:36:39 Perhaps our new expert advisors would like to say a few words to the SEALs.
622 00:36:44 Boy.
623 00:36:46 Men, you have served this nation with distinction,
624 00:36:49 in combat zones, in every nook and cranny of this godforsaken world,
625 00:36:55 defeating every enemy they've thrown at you.
626 00:36:58 Hey, what's up?
627 00:37:00 Brenner?
628 00:37:01 I couldn't get a babysitter.
629 00:37:03 The President has brought in these two civilian Arcaders
630 00:37:09 who we are required to listen to
631 00:37:12 for 120 seconds,
632 00:37:15 starting...
633 00:37:16 -I can't do this. -You can do this.
634 00:37:18 ...now!
635 00:37:19 I can't do this. I'm gonna throw up!
636 00:37:21 We know how to do this. They don't. Just act the part.
637 00:37:24 Hey, guys.
638 00:37:25 How are you? Hey, thank you, General Zod, for that beautiful intro.
639 00:37:29 Hey, fellas. Good to see you.
640 00:37:33 Let me introduce myself. My name is Sam Brenner.
641 00:37:36 And this is the Wonder Kid, also known as...
642 00:37:40 Your worst nightmare!
643 00:37:46 Looks to me, Brenner,
644 00:37:48 like someone forgot to send us the best of the best.
645 00:37:51 And instead, dropped off a bunch of incontinent,
646 00:37:55 adult diaper-wearing,
647 00:37:58 candy-assed, cries-himself-to-sleep,
648 00:38:01 women-baby-man-people!
649 00:38:04 What am I lookin' at right now?
650 00:38:06 Are you guys soldiers? Or the cast of Magic Mike?
651 00:38:09 You gonna fight? Or dance naked?
652 00:38:14 From now on,
653 00:38:16 you maggots, you little girl maggots...
654 00:38:19 Whatever the hell the female form of maggot is.
655 00:38:21 Magina?
656 00:38:23 You magina!
657 00:38:24 When you magina poop your pants,
658 00:38:27 you're gonna be thinking of me!
659 00:38:29 In your pants!
660 00:38:31 You know what I mean.
661 00:38:34 Do you feel me?
662 00:38:37 Do you feel me, sailor?
663 00:38:39 You beautiful Nubian man!
664 00:38:42 You gorgeous specimen of what God can make!
665 00:38:46 Do you feel me?
666 00:38:47 I think you're about to feel him, Lud.
667 00:38:50 I can't move.
668 00:38:52 Lemme help you. Hey, come here.
669 00:38:54 Sorry. Don't touch the guy. Just sit down.
670 00:38:56 -Did I do good? -You did awful.
671 00:38:57 Sit down.
672 00:38:59 Sorry about that, everybody.
673 00:39:01 I know it's weird.
674 00:39:03 Two buffoons like me and this guy giving advice to you badasses.
675 00:39:06 But the truth is we've been training.
676 00:39:10 Since childhood, we've been training our prefrontal cortex
677 00:39:13 to perform extremely complex motor feats
678 00:39:17 with hand-eye coordination unique to a very specific cognitive acuity.
679 00:39:22 I learned a lot of big words at the dorm-room drug parties.
680 00:39:25 All of it's been meaningless in all areas of our life.
681 00:39:30 But suddenly, it might be comin' in handy to saving our planet.
682 00:39:35 So we're hopin' you guys can forget about us bein' civilian morons,
683 00:39:39 and let us teach you a few things in the little time we have.
684 00:39:43 I think we might help you win this thing.
685 00:39:47 There is only one objective in Asteroids.
686 00:39:51 That is to destroy every rock and every saucer.
687 00:39:55 You don't wanna get hit by any of these boulders.
688 00:39:58 That's why I recommend stayin' in the middle.
689 00:40:01 Just 'cause you see a hammer doesn't mean grab it.
690 00:40:03 You're not gonna climb a ladder with a hammer in your hand.
691 00:40:06 -Very good. -Good piloting, Maverick!
692 00:40:09 Don't lock into radar.
693 00:40:11 Okay, it's fine, son. It's fine.
694 00:40:13 You just blew up our entire planet.
695 00:40:15 Ain't no way Inky's catching up to you!
696 00:40:20 I want you to focus mostly on the ships.
697 00:40:24 Every 10,000 points, you get another triangle ship.
698 00:40:27 That's a good thing.
699 00:40:31 Damn.
700 00:40:33 He's still the master.
701 00:40:35 This is just like when we were dating.
702 00:40:37 No distractions, just us.
703 00:40:39 And cake.
704 00:40:41 Big Man. Settle down there with that butterscotch frosting.
705 00:40:44 What? Too much? Well, you know what?
706 00:40:46 You're really not gonna like what I do with the rainbow sprinkles.
707 00:40:48 -Come on now! No! I love it! -Will! No!
708 00:40:51 Here comes the sprinkle monster!
709 00:40:56 Mr. President.
710 00:40:58 Yes, Jennifer.
711 00:40:59 We just received an alien transmission from the "Where's the Beef?" lady.
712 00:41:03 What did she say?
713 00:41:04 First of all, she asked where the beef was.
714 00:41:06 Then she said that the next battle was on at sundown tomorrow.
715 00:41:09 5130' 29 " latitude. 09' 42" longitude.
716 00:41:13 Where is that?
717 00:41:37 Go! Go! Go! Move! Move! Move!
718 00:41:48 Clear the area!
719 00:41:50 The lot of ya, come on! Move it!
720 00:41:53 I said, move it!
721 00:41:55 -What's all this then, mate? -Hey, I got this. Hi.
722 00:41:57 We're Americans.
723 00:41:59 Our Navy SEALs were given permission by your government
724 00:42:01 to prepare for an extraterrestrial invasion,
725 00:42:04 which we believe will occur at these coordinates in approximately 60 minutes.
726 00:42:09 We're shootin' a beer commercial.
727 00:42:10 Right, then. Break a leg, then, yeah?
728 00:42:14 What was that, man? Why'd you lie to him?
729 00:42:17 I'm trying not to cause total panic, Yank.
730 00:42:20 And, you...
731 00:42:23 I don't want to hear another word out of you. All right?
732 00:42:28 You walkin' wiener coat.
733 00:42:30 What's a wiener coat?
734 00:42:36 Madam Prime Minister, I can't thank you enough for your cooperation on this.
735 00:42:40 But of course, Will.
736 00:42:41 Well, I trust with the concord of our powers
737 00:42:44 we can duff up the jiggery-pokery of these blighters
738 00:42:47 and send them scuffering back
739 00:42:48 to the fractious firmament from whence they came!
740 00:42:51 I know, right?
741 00:42:52 Bang on!
742 00:42:56 No idea what she just said.
743 00:43:01 I just wanna touch it.
744 00:43:03 Easy with those light cannons, gentlemen. We don't have any backups.
745 00:43:08 These ray guns gonna work, Van Patten?
746 00:43:10 We had no way to field-test them, sir.
747 00:43:12 But our computer models show a great likelihood of effectiveness.
748 00:43:14 "Great likelihood"? You're sending my men into battle
749 00:43:16 with untested ordnance?
750 00:43:18 I had two days to do things never done before on this planet, sir.
751 00:43:22 Just remember who you're talking to, missy.
752 00:43:26 Anybody who doesn't need to be here, follow me to the support area.
753 00:43:32 That means you two nipple-twisters.
754 00:43:35 Move it!
755 00:43:37 Hey, Colonel. Don't worry. They're gonna work.
756 00:43:42 The US military was attacked and what does President Cooper do?
757 00:43:45 His critics say, "Nothing."
758 00:43:48 That's not strictly true. He made a cake.
759 00:43:51 No, because I'm the sprinkle monster!
760 00:43:53 You are my sprinkle monster!
761 00:43:57 -Let's put that on pause, Sean. -Thank you.
762 00:44:02 Turn it off.
763 00:44:04 Apologies, Will.
764 00:44:06 Just wanted to spend some quality time with the wife.
765 00:44:10 I understand.
766 00:44:11 My husband actually said that we don't spend time together like we used to,
767 00:44:14 so I took him to one of those do-it-yourself pottery studios.
768 00:44:18 And he made me a "World's Sexiest Prime Minister" coffee mug.
769 00:44:22 Well, maybe he sees somethin' that nobody else does, you know.
770 00:44:28 Anything, Colonel Van Patten?
771 00:44:31 It's eerily quiet, Mr. President.
772 00:44:42 In case it's Space Invaders,
773 00:44:44 I just thought of something I should tell...
774 00:44:45 Please return to the support area!
775 00:44:47 Okay, but there's a 5 plus 1 formation, all right?
776 00:44:49 If we need ya, we know where to find ya. All right?
777 00:44:52 Now, bugger off.
778 00:44:55 Bloody geek.
779 00:45:36 It's Centipede.
780 00:45:43 Okay, boys! Do exactly what we talked about!
781 00:45:46 Shoot each centipede from the head down!
782 00:45:49 Do not hit him in the middle or he will split into two!
783 00:46:09 No! No! Didn't we just say don't split him in half?
784 00:46:12 Shoot for the head!
785 00:46:13 The mushroom things are in the way!
786 00:46:16 You shoot the mushroom things! Like the game!
787 00:46:22 Guys, every time he hits a mushroom, he's gonna change direction!
788 00:46:28 My God! Will you please find the pattern and anticipate!
789 00:46:31 I don't know the patterns!
790 00:46:33 Sergeant Duff! 12 o'clock!
791 00:46:50 What the hell kind of beer commercial is this?
792 00:46:53 If I say it's a beer commercial, it's a bloody beer commercial.
793 00:47:06 Get your flabby ass back here, Yank!
794 00:47:30 Shock and awe, baby!
795 00:47:32 High score, alien trash!
796 00:47:34 You messed with the wrong planet!
797 00:47:35 From Land's End to John o'Groats!
798 00:47:37 -What the hell are you saying? -I don't know!
799 00:47:43 Hey, Ludlow! Grab a light cannon! Get out here now! I need your help!
800 00:47:47 Me? No! Look at me! I look delicious!
801 00:47:49 They'll gobble me up like space dim sum!
802 00:47:54 It's level two!
803 00:47:56 We're the only ones who can do this!
804 00:47:58 Come on! You're the Wonder Kid!
805 00:48:00 You have no authority to dispense weapons here, Mr. Brenner!
806 00:48:03 Mr. President?
807 00:48:05 Let the nerds take over.
808 00:48:08 What was that, sir?
809 00:48:10 Let the nerds take over!
810 00:48:14 Let the nerds take over!
811 00:48:17 Brenner's right.
812 00:48:20 I am the Wonder Kid.
813 00:48:41 This is the best, huh?
814 00:48:42 I've never been happier and more alive!
815 00:49:12 Okay. You can let go of each other now.
816 00:49:24 All right, you finish that. I'll finish this.
817 00:49:32 It's been 30 years since I kicked your butt, and it's gonna happen again!
818 00:49:49 With the arms!
819 00:49:51 Let's take it forward.
820 00:49:54 Then take it back.
821 00:49:58 -Enjoy it! -Hey!
822 00:50:06 Come here!
823 00:50:09 You little...
824 00:50:20 Who are you, mister?
825 00:50:22 Son, I'm just a loser who's good at old video games.
826 00:50:26 Well, thank God for that.
827 00:50:28 Drinks are on the US government!
828 00:50:32 Which is covering up the truth
829 00:50:33 about the ancient pyramid under the Hoover Dam!
830 00:50:38 You know, you're all right, Brenner.
831 00:50:40 You're all right too, snobby.
832 00:50:42 You gonna nurse that all night long, or when are you gonna start hittin' it?
833 00:50:45 We ding up a few foreign belligerents, beer is fine.
834 00:50:48 We defeat a full-on alien invasion,
835 00:50:50 I'm thinking something a little stronger.
836 00:50:54 No. You're really challenging me to drink you under the table? You got it.
837 00:50:59 I'm not so sure you can, buddy.
838 00:51:01 I was the vodka shot record holder in my class at West Point.
839 00:51:03 Well, one time I drank 15 milkshakes at Denny's,
840 00:51:06 so we'll see what happens.
841 00:51:08 Where are my gamers at?
842 00:51:10 Looks like all the time you wasted when we were kids is finally payin' off.
843 00:51:13 -Yeah, baby. -All right, huh?
844 00:51:15 Sir, may I have the honor of pouring you a frosty?
845 00:51:18 The President can't be seen drinking during times of crisis.
846 00:51:22 So nobody look!
847 00:51:23 That's it. Look away!
848 00:51:26 Inhabitants of Earth.
849 00:51:28 Congratulations, you have won this battle.
850 00:51:33 Please accept one of our warriors as a trophy of your victory.
851 00:51:46 The next challenge will not be as easy.
852 00:51:48 The details will be sent via this signal shortly
853 00:51:51 Remember, we are still leading two battles to one.
854 00:51:56 One more loss for you will mean the annihilation of your world.
855 00:52:00 Good luck and may the best planet win.
856 00:52:05 Well, you heard 'em.
857 00:52:06 Let's get back to work.
858 00:52:08 We gotta get you guys ready for your next battle.
859 00:52:10 Battle? Us? Huh?
860 00:52:11 This is like a regular thing now?
861 00:52:13 Remember when I told you that you were meant for something more in life?
862 00:52:16 Yeah.
863 00:52:17 This could be it, buddy.
864 00:52:19 There's nobody better than you.
865 00:52:21 Well,
866 00:52:23 not at every game.
867 00:52:25 No. No! Never gonna happen.
868 00:52:29 You know, he's right, Brenner.
869 00:52:30 We don't even know where to find that idiot!
870 00:52:37 Eddie Plant. Married and divorced four times,
871 00:52:40 declared bankruptcy in 1991 and 2004.
872 00:52:43 In 2005, he was caught hacking cell phone companies
873 00:52:46 and adding one of those fees you see on your bill every month,
874 00:52:48 but have no idea what it is.
875 00:52:50 Made about 50 million before he was convicted and sentenced
876 00:52:52 to 20 years in prison.
877 00:52:58 Guards, get me outta here.
878 00:53:00 It's that mean Centipede killer.
879 00:53:03 I hope he don't zap me with his space gun.
880 00:53:06 How are you, Eddie?
881 00:53:08 'Sup, Second Place?
882 00:53:10 And your sidekick here,
883 00:53:12 Presi-donut.
884 00:53:14 I didn't know you can have an approval rating so catatastrophic.
885 00:53:18 -Okay, look, Eddie, here's what we need. -I know what you need.
886 00:53:21 You need the Fire Blaster.
887 00:53:23 Who's the Fire Blaster?
888 00:53:25 Me. That's my nickname, sugar buns.
889 00:53:28 Yeah. That's right. The one you made up for yourself.
890 00:53:30 Who cares who made it up?
891 00:53:32 It's totally tubular!
892 00:53:34 Yeah.
893 00:53:35 See, this is why I don't think I can have Brenner on my team.
894 00:53:40 He's just not really a gamer.
895 00:53:41 Break out a bag of quarters. Pick a game. I'll destroy you at it.
896 00:53:44 I'll pick a game, all right.
897 00:53:48 -Okay. I'm leaving. -No, no, no. Hey, here, come on.
898 00:53:51 Sit down.
899 00:53:53 Okay, in exchange for helping us,
900 00:53:55 I will personally speak to the parole board about reducing your sentence.
901 00:54:02 -Pass. -Pass?
902 00:54:05 That deal don't work for Eddie Plant.
903 00:54:07 You want the Fire Blaster's help, he has some demands.
904 00:54:10 Demands?
905 00:54:20 The Bifocal Blaster is here, by the way.
906 00:54:26 I want an island.
907 00:54:27 Oh, my God.
908 00:54:29 There are 18,617 named islands
909 00:54:31 that are part of the United States and its territories.
910 00:54:34 Not to mention all the countless unnamed ones,
911 00:54:37 like the soon-to-be-called Edwahii.
912 00:54:41 You're not getting an island.
913 00:54:43 Then I want a full pardon. I wanna get outta here for good.
914 00:54:46 And after I do, I don't wanna pay no taxes like,
915 00:54:49 forever.
916 00:54:50 And no sales tax. If I wanna buy some, for instance, gum,
917 00:54:53 I wanna flash me a card that says "I saved the world."
918 00:54:56 I don't have to pay no shitballs taxes on the gum.
919 00:55:01 And I want a stealth-attack helicopter, like they fly over the Super Bowl
920 00:55:05 at my disposal, at all times.
921 00:55:07 You know, so I can fly around.
922 00:55:09 If the world's still here, I don't wanna deal with traffic no more.
923 00:55:13 And lastly,
924 00:55:16 I want you to set up a romantic rendezvous
925 00:55:18 between me, Serena Williams and Martha Stewart
926 00:55:22 in the Lincoln Bedroom.
927 00:55:24 Number one. You're not getting a helicopter
928 00:55:27 or any sort of flying or driving vehicle.
929 00:55:29 Number two. I'm pretty sure the federal government
930 00:55:31 could do without your income taxes and be fine.
931 00:55:34 And number three. If you help us beat these things,
932 00:55:38 I think we can get you outta here.
933 00:55:42 And the Martha-Serena sandwich?
934 00:55:44 Pick one of 'em. We'll set up a coffee.
935 00:55:47 Serena Williams. And we are closed.
936 00:55:52 Hello?
937 00:55:55 I understand.
938 00:55:58 It's happening tonight.
939 00:56:00 Where?
940 00:56:01 New York City.
941 00:56:02 Fuhgeddaboutit!
942 00:56:26 Hello, Big Apple.
943 00:56:28 The cavalry has arrived.
944 00:56:37 Thanks for comin'.
945 00:56:39 We saw how you guys took care of the centipedes.
946 00:56:42 We hope you can do the same for us.
947 00:56:44 We hope so also. Well, what are we dealin' with?
948 00:56:47 Over here.
949 00:56:50 Rookie, just tell 'em what you saw.
950 00:56:55 It was awful.
951 00:56:56 It was like one of those monster movies, you know?
952 00:56:59 But this time
953 00:57:00 the monster was real.
954 00:57:02 And who was this monster?
955 00:57:05 Pac-Man.
956 00:57:06 Pac-Man? Boom. That's my jam.
957 00:57:08 Let's get us some light cannons and blow this sucker back
958 00:57:10 to whatever planet it came from.
959 00:57:12 No! No, light cannons don't kill Pac-Man.
960 00:57:14 Those little ghosts do.
961 00:57:16 Boom! Let's get us some little ghosts.
962 00:57:18 You want ghosts?
963 00:57:21 She's got ghosts.
964 00:57:32 We used the energy force-field technology from the cube
965 00:57:35 to develop four mini-generators for each of the cars.
966 00:57:38 Ghosts.
967 00:57:39 We're calling them XM950 attack modules.
968 00:57:42 Okay and we're callin' 'em Mini Ghosts
969 00:57:44 'cause we'll never remember what you just said.
970 00:57:47 Why are there four of 'em? There's only three of us. Who's our fourth?
971 00:57:50 May I introduce to you Professor Toru Iwatani.
972 00:57:55 The creator of Pac-Man.
973 00:58:12 You speak Japanese?
974 00:58:14 No.
975 00:58:16 Sir, what an honor.
976 00:58:18 Thanks for all the joy you brought to our lives.
977 00:58:20 Awesome.
978 00:58:23 I made your game my bitch.
979 00:58:29 What is a
980 00:58:31 "bitch"?
981 00:58:32 Don't worry about it. He's a criminal.
982 00:58:39 -You all right? -Yeah.
983 00:58:41 Okay, now, assuming they play by the rules of the game like
984 00:58:43 they did with Centipede,
985 00:58:45 if you guys hit Pac-Man three times with this energy field, we win.
986 00:58:49 Ludlow's right. You do smell good.
987 00:58:53 -Good luck. -Yeah.
988 00:59:08 Gentlemen, I'll be sending Pac-Man's current coordinates
989 00:59:10 to each of your car's GPSes.
990 00:59:12 Let's locate and eliminate.
991 00:59:16 Come on, guys.
992 00:59:37 Pac-Man's a bad guy?
993 00:59:43 Pac-Man is not bad!
994 00:59:46 I created him to bring joy to all the people of the world.
995 00:59:50 They have brainwashed him!
996 00:59:53 Deep down, he's kind, gentle.
997 00:59:58 Someone you can tell your troubles to or grab a hamburger with.
998 01:00:07 You'll see.
999 01:00:13 Professor Iwatani, get back in the car!
1000 01:00:15 Professor Iwatani, what are you doin'?
1001 01:00:17 I will talk to him. He's my son!
1002 01:00:20 No, that's a bad idea.
1003 01:00:29 Hello,
1004 01:00:31 my sweet little boy.
1005 01:00:34 Look how big you've grown!
1006 01:00:36 I'm so proud of you.
1007 01:00:39 It's so sweet. He's so sweet.
1008 01:00:43 But all these destructive things you're doing,
1009 01:00:45 it's wrong.
1010 01:00:48 I'm your father.
1011 01:00:53 I know
1012 01:00:55 you're a good boy.
1013 01:01:04 No!
1014 01:01:07 Somebody kill this stupid bitch!
1015 01:01:11 That was some twisted Pinocchio-Geppetto stuff right there.
1016 01:01:19 All right, losers!
1017 01:01:22 It's three on one.
1018 01:01:23 Let's hit it.
1019 01:01:54 Pac-Man's faster than I remember.
1020 01:02:00 Pac-Man's always been faster than the ghosts.
1021 01:02:02 We're gonna have to outmaneuver his ass.
1022 01:02:14 Wonderfro, you and Silver Medal break off.
1023 01:02:18 I'll stay with Big Yellow.
1024 01:02:24 Whoa, Eddie, how did you do that so fast?
1025 01:02:26 'Cause I'm the champ, Lieutenant Long Legs.
1026 01:02:34 Nope!
1027 01:02:36 What's up?
1028 01:02:41 Yeah!
1029 01:02:49 Good one, Eddie.
1030 01:02:52 One down.
1031 01:02:53 Two to go!
1032 01:03:00 All right, Pac-Man Number Two
1033 01:03:01 just regenerated four streets away headed northbound.
1034 01:03:04 Turn east at the next intersection.
1035 01:03:08 Brenner, go straight.
1036 01:03:09 Got it.
1037 01:03:10 Ludlow, go left.
1038 01:03:13 Eddie, at the next intersection, turn left.
1039 01:03:17 We got him!
1040 01:03:18 He's got nowhere to go!
1041 01:03:25 Oh, God. No!
1042 01:03:28 "Oh, God. No," what?
1043 01:03:29 He ate the power pellet.
1044 01:03:30 Pac-Man's got 10 seconds where he can eat us.
1045 01:03:36 Why me?
1046 01:03:45 God. Don't eat me, don't eat me, don't eat me.
1047 01:03:47 Please, please, don't eat me!
1048 01:03:55 Guys! Help!
1049 01:03:57 I'm gonna die a virgin!
1050 01:04:13 Why are you doing this to me?
1051 01:04:18 You've been brainwashed!
1052 01:04:20 You're a good boy!
1053 01:04:23 Ludlow, run! Pump your legs! Go, baby!
1054 01:04:30 Attaboy, Eddie!
1055 01:04:33 You just got fire-blasted, sucka.
1056 01:04:39 What?
1057 01:04:41 How the hell did he get over there so fast?
1058 01:04:45 Way to go, champ.
1059 01:04:47 Aren't you glad you sprung me, Second Place?
1060 01:04:49 Yeah, thrilled.
1061 01:04:51 One more to go and it's happy hour.
1062 01:05:04 So I guess they're just leaving me here.
1063 01:05:12 Now it's time for the hat trick.
1064 01:05:27 Wow!
1065 01:05:28 Brenner, it's on you.
1066 01:05:30 There are still three other power pellets out there.
1067 01:05:33 So stay alert.
1068 01:05:34 I got this.
1069 01:05:36 If I don't,
1070 01:05:38 the world ends.
1071 01:05:39 Can't let that happen.
1072 01:05:41 Come on, Brenner. Come on.
1073 01:05:49 Brenner, he's leading you directly towards one of the power pellets.
1074 01:05:52 Get out of there.
1075 01:06:01 One.
1076 01:06:03 What the hell is he doing?
1077 01:06:05 Two.
1078 01:06:06 Damn it, Brenner. I have a son who I'd like to see grow up.
1079 01:06:10 Three. You'll see your boy grow up.
1080 01:06:15 Four.
1081 01:06:16 Brenner, get out! He's going to eat you!
1082 01:06:21 Five.
1083 01:06:24 Six.
1084 01:06:28 Seven.
1085 01:06:31 Eight.
1086 01:06:33 Nine.
1087 01:06:40 Ten.
1088 01:06:51 You did it! Brenner! That's the one, baby!
1089 01:07:05 He's over here!
1090 01:07:31 Fire Blaster, I love you!
1091 01:07:34 Hey, guys!
1092 01:07:35 Sorry. Coming through. I'm one of tonight's heroes. Sorry.
1093 01:07:38 Hey!
1094 01:07:40 Hey.
1095 01:07:41 Check it out.
1096 01:07:44 I think I might have found our next trophy.
1097 01:07:51 It's Q*bert.
1098 01:07:52 Yeah, I know! I know.
1099 01:07:55 Can I kill it?
1100 01:07:57 No!
1101 01:07:58 Let's get to know him a little bit. Ask him some questions.
1102 01:08:01 And then we'll kill him.
1103 01:08:04 -I'm joking. Just put the blanket on him. -Bye.
1104 01:08:07 -Mr. President! -Mr. President!
1105 01:08:09 -Yes, Hal. -Mr. President,
1106 01:08:10 your approval ratings have tripled since this crisis began.
1107 01:08:14 Do you feel the heretofore sanguine causata
1108 01:08:17 are tracking toward an auspicious denouement?
1109 01:08:20 Shut up, Hal.
1110 01:08:22 You're just using big words to try to make him look like an idiot.
1111 01:08:26 We love you, Mr. President. Thank you for saving us.
1112 01:08:30 Please, don't thank me.
1113 01:08:32 It's Sam Brenner and his team
1114 01:08:34 who have brought us here to the brink of victory.
1115 01:08:36 And we understand you're holding a soiree in their honor.
1116 01:08:38 Is that a good idea when another attack may be imminent?
1117 01:08:42 No need to worry.
1118 01:08:43 They will have their Arcader uniforms on underneath their tuxes,
1119 01:08:46 ready to go at a moment's notice.
1120 01:08:48 And for the record, Hal,
1121 01:08:50 I happen to know what several of those big words meant.
1122 01:08:54 I drank a few cold sanguines on my last trip to Mexico.
1123 01:08:58 Bite on that, Hal!
1124 01:09:00 You! You! You! You! You!
1125 01:09:10 I don't know what would be worse.
1126 01:09:13 Them failing,
1127 01:09:15 or them actually pulling this off.
1128 01:09:18 What was that, Jim?
1129 01:09:19 Can you shut up for five seconds?
1130 01:09:26 We need to increase the rate of fire.
1131 01:09:28 Now you already calculated that in your beautiful mind, didn't you?
1132 01:09:33 There's no rhyme or reason to this game.
1133 01:09:35 I mean, where are the patterns? He just attacks out of left field.
1134 01:09:39 Patterns? Is that why you were so good with Pac-Man and Centipede?
1135 01:09:42 You memorized the patterns?
1136 01:09:43 Yeah. Only way to beat these things.
1137 01:09:45 Count the bullets, calculate the speed, crunch the numbers.
1138 01:09:48 Where's the fun in that?
1139 01:09:50 Boy. Why? What do you do?
1140 01:09:52 You gotta pretend you're the guy and you don't wanna die.
1141 01:09:55 Yeah, that sounds cool, but it's not gonna work every time.
1142 01:09:58 Well, that's why you have your reset button.
1143 01:10:01 Yeah, we didn't have those growin' up.
1144 01:10:05 Most violent game I've ever seen.
1145 01:10:07 I don't think it's healthy for you.
1146 01:10:08 It's fine. I can handle it.
1147 01:10:10 No, I'm not talkin' to you. I'm talkin' to homeboy.
1148 01:10:13 So much blood!
1149 01:10:16 Yeah. Hey. You know what'll cheer you up?
1150 01:10:19 -A cheese ball. -Yep.
1151 01:10:22 Come on, suck one up.
1152 01:10:24 Take a handful.
1153 01:10:27 That was smooth. That was very smooth.
1154 01:10:31 You know, we should get him some exercise.
1155 01:10:33 Maybe throw him on the trampoline for a little bit?
1156 01:10:35 Trampoline! Trampoline! Trampoline!
1157 01:10:37 Okay. How about me and him do that
1158 01:10:39 while you go ask my mom to the ball tomorrow night?
1159 01:10:42 Unfortunately, I'm not attracted to your mother.
1160 01:10:44 Bullcrap.
1161 01:10:46 You're right, I am. Okay.
1162 01:10:48 Here. Finish these.
1163 01:10:50 You're gettin' chubby.
1164 01:10:54 Hi.
1165 01:10:56 Hi.
1166 01:10:59 So...
1167 01:11:01 So...
1168 01:11:09 Sorry!
1169 01:11:10 Again! Again! Again! Again!
1170 01:11:13 So I'm feeling obligated to make an appearance at that thing tomorrow night.
1171 01:11:17 I was wondering, when you got there,
1172 01:11:19 if possibly you'd like to hang out with me while I was there?
1173 01:11:23 -Like a date? -Like a date, but... Yeah.
1174 01:11:25 I dunno about that.
1175 01:11:27 I'm a snob. I have mental problems, so...
1176 01:11:29 Well, you know, you are and you do,
1177 01:11:32 but I'm willin' to overlook that for the evening.
1178 01:11:35 Okay.
1179 01:11:36 You will?
1180 01:11:51 Three, four.
1181 01:11:55 -Thank you. Thank you. -Thanks.
1182 01:11:58 Nice welcome, for a change, huh?
1183 01:12:05 Bring it down, Travolta. Bring it down.
1184 01:12:11 They love the Big Man! Good to see the respect, pal.
1185 01:12:17 Well, lookie here, Serena.
1186 01:12:19 They threw me a big party to thank me for savin' the world.
1187 01:12:22 And you get to stand next to me all night.
1188 01:12:24 -Champagne, sir? -Thanks.
1189 01:12:27 They promised me an island if I did this.
1190 01:12:29 I'm dying to meet Sam's new ladyfriend.
1191 01:12:31 She's nothin'. It's just a little hangin' out thing.
1192 01:12:34 Yeah, right.
1193 01:12:36 Is she pretty, Will?
1194 01:12:38 Define pretty. I mean, you're pretty.
1195 01:12:41 -Extremely pretty. -Thank you.
1196 01:12:43 She, I think, in the classical sense of the word,
1197 01:12:45 is certainly... I mean, I feel...
1198 01:12:47 -Brenner, help me out here. -No, you're doing great. Keep going.
1199 01:12:51 You know, she, for military personnel, certainly. I mean...
1200 01:12:55 You're the First Lady,
1201 01:12:56 she's a 10.
1202 01:13:03 Hey, Brenner.
1203 01:13:06 Hey, Brenner.
1204 01:13:09 Excuse me for a second.
1205 01:13:12 Come on, Matty. Let's dance!
1206 01:13:19 You look nice in a tux.
1207 01:13:22 Green's officially my favorite color now.
1208 01:13:25 I have a question for you.
1209 01:13:27 President said I'm on call tonight, so I can only have half a beer.
1210 01:13:31 I know you like drinkin' out of sippy cups,
1211 01:13:34 but wanna split a bottle with me?
1212 01:13:38 What happened?
1213 01:13:40 -You brushed your teeth. -Yes!
1214 01:13:42 All right. Lead the way.
1215 01:13:43 You got it.
1216 01:14:07 So let's hear about Sinnamon. What does she look like?
1217 01:14:10 -God. Are you kidding? -I wanna know.
1218 01:14:12 She's a husband-stealing Pilates teacher. She's hot!
1219 01:14:15 And limber.
1220 01:14:17 That doesn't matter.
1221 01:14:18 Yes! Actually, it does.
1222 01:14:20 She's not perfect, though, right?
1223 01:14:22 Girls like that who steal husbands,
1224 01:14:24 they always got one thing wrong with them.
1225 01:14:27 Come on.
1226 01:14:29 -Her forehead's too big? -No.
1227 01:14:31 -Mole on the chin? -No.
1228 01:14:33 -Two different nostrils? -No!
1229 01:14:36 She's flawless.
1230 01:14:37 She is.
1231 01:14:39 I mean, her eyes. Okay, her eyes are a little far apart.
1232 01:14:44 Kind of looks like a flounder.
1233 01:14:46 There it is! Good.
1234 01:14:48 So tonight, your dopey ex-husband's gonna
1235 01:14:50 be lookin' into those eyes and sayin',
1236 01:14:52 "What kind of choice did I make?
1237 01:14:54 "I used to stare into the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen,
1238 01:14:56 "and now I'm stuck starin' at the Filet o' Fish sandwich."
1239 01:15:00 Did you just say I have beautiful eyes?
1240 01:15:02 While insulting the other chick.
1241 01:15:05 That is really, really, really, really good.
1242 01:15:08 Thank you.
1243 01:15:11 Can I have some of that? No? I thought we were splitting it.
1244 01:15:39 You know, everybody's like,
1245 01:15:41 "Brenner this" and "Brenner that."
1246 01:15:44 But make no mistake, Fire Blaster's the leader of this crew.
1247 01:15:48 Who's the Fire Blaster again?
1248 01:15:50 Me, Serena! All right, lemme just cut to the chase here.
1249 01:15:53 Fire Blaster's been in prison for eight years.
1250 01:15:55 He hasn't been with a woman since '05.
1251 01:15:58 You're in for
1252 01:16:00 the time of your life.
1253 01:16:02 You even think about touching me, I'm gonna smack you through the wall.
1254 01:16:05 I'd have it no other way.
1255 01:16:09 Should've gone with Martha Stewart.
1256 01:16:12 At least then, I'd have a tasty panini cooked for me or some shit.
1257 01:16:19 So, what are you gonna do after all this?
1258 01:16:21 You gonna go back to the Nerd Brigade?
1259 01:16:25 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1260 01:16:26 Probably. I mean...
1261 01:16:29 What else would I do?
1262 01:16:31 I mean, it just seems like someone with your skills,
1263 01:16:33 you'd be better off inventing technology rather than installing it.
1264 01:16:36 No, of course. I would love to do somethin' different.
1265 01:16:40 You know, I had my shot
1266 01:16:42 when I was a kid in the arcades.
1267 01:16:45 But
1268 01:16:47 I blew it.
1269 01:16:49 Yeah, I always think maybe my life would've been different.
1270 01:16:52 Any time I'm getting on a roll,
1271 01:16:55 or I feel like everything's going great,
1272 01:16:59 that giant ape throws another barrel at me.
1273 01:17:05 But it's all good.
1274 01:17:08 Don't worry.
1275 01:17:13 Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce a special message
1276 01:17:17 to the Arcaders from the students of PS 427
1277 01:17:21 in New York City.
1278 01:17:26 New York was in trouble.
1279 01:17:28 Pac-Man caused a ruckus.
1280 01:17:31 But the Arcaders saved us.
1281 01:17:33 'Cause they're bad mother...
1282 01:17:39 People of Earth,
1283 01:17:41 you have violated the rules of warfare, dudes.
1284 01:17:43 Violated the rules?
1285 01:17:45 Because of this, you forfeit and your planet is now ours.
1286 01:17:49 Dudes, in 12 hours,
1287 01:17:51 we'll commence with the all-out destruction of Earth.
1288 01:17:55 After that, we will sing this about your precious planet.
1289 01:17:59 She's gone
1290 01:18:02 I'd better learn how to face...
1291 01:18:07 What the heck are they talkin' about?
1292 01:18:18 Where you goin', Fire Blaster?
1293 01:18:20 Hey, kid.
1294 01:18:22 I told Serena I needed to get some air, you know?
1295 01:18:25 Only known her half an hour and she's already like,
1296 01:18:27 "Mrs. Fire Blaster this. Mrs. Fire Blaster that."
1297 01:18:30 A cop fished these out of the East River the night you fell in.
1298 01:18:33 I was gonna give 'em back to you,
1299 01:18:35 but I saw some interesting things written on the inside of the lenses.
1300 01:18:40 The Pac-Man cheat code for super-speed.
1301 01:18:43 -You're a cheater. -So what?
1302 01:18:45 I used cheat codes back in the day to help me dominate.
1303 01:18:48 So I figured, why not use it for the big show. And it worked.
1304 01:18:51 You've been a cheater your whole life?
1305 01:18:54 No.
1306 01:18:55 Only since I was 10.
1307 01:18:58 That's how I beat your boy Brenner at the World Championship. Yeah.
1308 01:19:04 I owe everything I have to these bitchin' shades.
1309 01:19:12 What did you do?
1310 01:19:13 I didn't do anything. I thought we obeyed every rule.
1311 01:19:17 Ya thought wrong, civilian!
1312 01:19:18 We squandered our one chance on you!
1313 01:19:21 A hi-fi repair man.
1314 01:19:22 But I swear...
1315 01:19:24 But nothin'! You heard Hall & Oates! You blew it!
1316 01:19:27 I've seen your files.
1317 01:19:28 You've never accomplished a damn thing in your entire life.
1318 01:19:31 Brenner won two battles, Admiral. That's two more than you.
1319 01:19:34 I wouldn't get smart with me, Colonel.
1320 01:19:36 You were all over this sideshow that did nothing but waste valuable time.
1321 01:19:39 Sometimes I wonder if you're not working for the Martians yourself!
1322 01:19:42 Drop dead, Admiral.
1323 01:19:43 You're done.
1324 01:19:44 All right. Hey, guys! That's enough. Listen.
1325 01:19:46 We tried something. It didn't work.
1326 01:19:50 What is that?
1327 01:19:52 Matty!
1328 01:20:04 Matty!
1329 01:20:13 I can't believe they took Matty as a trophy. I am so sorry.
1330 01:20:16 Well, there's gotta be somethin' we can do.
1331 01:20:18 Where's Eddie?
1332 01:20:19 Eddie. Yeah. He crawled into a hole. We'll never see him again.
1333 01:20:24 Chewie won't take my calls.
1334 01:20:25 Violet got the boot. We're on our own, guys.
1335 01:20:28 This feels like my planet.
1336 01:20:30 No fun. No laughter. Only war.
1337 01:20:34 Wait.
1338 01:20:35 Wait a second. Q*bert is from there. He knows all their secrets.
1339 01:20:38 We were once a happy planet.
1340 01:20:40 Before you threatened us.
1341 01:20:42 But we didn't threaten you! You saw footage of old games.
1342 01:20:46 They do not know they are games.
1343 01:20:47 Well, why don't you tell them that, Q*bert, and stop them?
1344 01:20:50 It's too late.
1345 01:20:51 And now the mothership is creating millions of video-game warriors
1346 01:20:55 to destroy your planet.
1347 01:20:57 Look, all we have to do is get inside the mothership and try to stop them.
1348 01:21:01 We can rescue Matty while we're up there.
1349 01:21:02 Up there. You wanna go up there?
1350 01:21:04 I don't know about that. You know, they took away our light cannons.
1351 01:21:08 I don't think that's such a good idea.
1352 01:21:10 We have something better than light cannons.
1353 01:21:12 We have a positive can-do attitude.
1354 01:21:16 I'm kidding.
1355 01:21:17 We are all gonna die.
1356 01:21:20 I'm just...
1357 01:21:21 Sorry.
1358 01:22:02 Are you sure we wanna do this?
1359 01:22:03 I mean, maybe we could just find another planet to live on.
1360 01:22:06 Shut up, dude. We're gettin' on that ship.
1361 01:22:08 And the only way to do that is to get directly under it.
1362 01:22:11 That's the only way in.
1363 01:22:28 Arcaders are comin'! Don't worry!
1364 01:22:35 Come on! Come on! Come on! Go!
1365 01:22:36 Stay with me!
1366 01:22:56 Nobody's better at the crane game than me.
1367 01:22:58 Chewie?
1368 01:23:00 What's with the disguise, buddy?
1369 01:23:02 They tried to take me to some underground bunker, so I went rogue.
1370 01:23:10 Yeah!
1371 01:23:12 Wonder Kid, you gotta stay on the ground. These people need protection.
1372 01:23:16 Thank God.
1373 01:23:17 Hey, live long, laugh much, love often.
1374 01:23:21 That's it.
1375 01:23:23 No.
1376 01:23:24 Back it up.
1377 01:23:26 Thanks for bein' my friend.
1378 01:23:28 'Course, buddy. I love ya.
1379 01:23:30 Now go kick some ass.
1380 01:23:34 Mr. President, may I have a light cannon?
1381 01:23:53 Don't tell anyone I killed a Smurf.
1382 01:24:12 Hey!
1383 01:24:14 Get away from those kids now!
1384 01:24:18 Please?
1385 01:24:28 Hey!
1386 01:24:52 I spent most of my formative years
1387 01:24:56 trying to figure out a way to bring you to life
1388 01:24:58 all Weird Science-style.
1389 01:25:01 I used every birthday wish,
1390 01:25:03 every 11:11 on the clock,
1391 01:25:06 every little chicken wishbone I could find, and ladybug.
1392 01:25:10 I prayed for this.
1393 01:25:16 But apparently, you don't feel the same.
1394 01:25:27 Okay. We're under it, Q*bert. Now what?
1395 01:25:34 Well, well, well.
1396 01:25:36 Look who's here.
1397 01:25:38 Q*bert the traitor
1398 01:25:40 and his cheating friends.
1399 01:25:42 Come to beg for a second chance?
1400 01:25:44 You're in luck. The boss wants to meet ya in person.
1401 01:25:48 So come on up!
1402 01:25:50 If you defeat him, you save your planet and destroy our warriors.
1403 01:25:55 But if you lose...
1404 01:26:08 See you on the other side.
1405 01:26:23 You are so powerful, just as I...
1406 01:26:31 You win! I'm not gonna fight you anymore, okay?
1407 01:26:35 I know that you have love in your heart,
1408 01:26:37 and I know that I could make you happy, but if you need to kill me,
1409 01:26:41 then you're just gonna have to go ahead and kill me.
1410 01:26:46 At least I can die a happy man knowing that I found true love.
1411 01:27:24 And I couldn't even get a handshake from Serena Williams.
1412 01:27:27 Well, well, well.
1413 01:27:29 Didn't think I'd see you again.
1414 01:27:31 I had to prove to myself and to the world
1415 01:27:33 that I could do this without cheating.
1416 01:27:35 Wait, you cheated?
1417 01:27:36 Moving on.
1418 01:27:44 You gonna introduce me to your girlfriend?
1419 01:27:47 Fiancee.
1420 01:28:03 Where are we, Q*bert? What is this place?
1421 01:28:05 I don't know.
1422 01:28:07 But I'm scared.
1423 01:28:09 Great.
1424 01:28:19 What is that noise?
1425 01:28:30 What the hell was that?
1426 01:28:37 Donkey Kong.
1427 01:28:39 The one game you suck at.
1428 01:28:41 Yeah.
1429 01:28:43 Mom, up here!
1430 01:28:46 Matty!
1431 01:28:47 Mom!
1432 01:28:49 Where the hell is my mama?
1433 01:28:50 We're coming for you, honey!
1434 01:28:58 No.
1435 01:29:18 There's too many of them!
1436 01:29:19 This way!
1437 01:29:23 Only one way to beat this game. Jump!
1438 01:29:27 Up the ladder! Fast!
1439 01:29:32 Incoming!
1440 01:29:53 Q*bert! Look out!
1441 01:29:57 Q*bert!
1442 01:30:13 I can't do this. There's no pattern.
1443 01:30:15 Pretend you're the guy and you don't wanna die.
1444 01:30:20 I don't wanna die!
1445 01:30:22 I couldn't even beat Eddie Plant!
1446 01:30:24 Eddie Plant's a cheater! That's why he was so good in New York.
1447 01:30:28 He used cheat codes.
1448 01:30:31 He did the same thing to you when you were kids.
1449 01:30:34 You know what that means, right?
1450 01:30:40 I'm the Donkey Kong champion of the world.
1451 01:30:43 And the Donkey Kong champion of the world doesn't need patterns.
1452 01:30:46 Reset button.
1453 01:31:00 Freeze, Chewie!
1454 01:31:09 Brenner!
1455 01:31:16 Mom, Mom! Q*bert's not dead!
1456 01:31:20 Help me! Help me!
1457 01:31:22 Nah, I'm pretty sure he's dead, Matty.
1458 01:31:24 Mom!
1459 01:31:26 Please.
1460 01:31:28 Okay, fine.
1461 01:31:29 What? No!
1462 01:31:31 No!
1463 01:31:38 Violet, get outta there!
1464 01:31:46 Look out!
1465 01:31:58 We're trapped!
1466 01:32:04 Brenner!
1467 01:32:16 Here, grab onto my mighty hammer.
1468 01:32:21 You loved saying that.
1469 01:32:23 Yes, I did.
1470 01:32:27 Brenner! Whatever you're doing, please hurry up!
1471 01:32:39 I've been waitin' to do this since 1982.
1472 01:32:54 Yeah!
1473 01:32:56 Yeah! Yes!
1474 01:32:57 Yeah. Yeah.
1475 01:33:12 Matty! God!
1476 01:33:15 -You okay? -Yeah.
1477 01:33:18 You were so awesome down there!
1478 01:33:20 You're my second favorite president. You know Obama's still my man, right?
1479 01:33:23 Okay.
1480 01:33:34 We won!
1481 01:33:36 No more taxes!
1482 01:33:39 We did it, baby!
1483 01:33:41 We did it.
1484 01:33:43 No.
1485 01:33:44 No. No!
1486 01:33:46 Lady Lisa!
1487 01:33:49 No!
1488 01:34:08 Eddie, never thought I'd see you again.
1489 01:34:10 Brenner,
1490 01:34:12 I just wanted to say I'm sorry for cheatin' back in the day when we was kids,
1491 01:34:14 and for cheatin' again more recently.
1492 01:34:17 I'm not goin' back to prison for that, am I?
1493 01:34:19 No, but you need to admit to Brenner that he's the best in the world.
1494 01:34:23 No way.
1495 01:34:24 Prison.
1496 01:34:29 Brenner,
1497 01:34:33 you are the best
1498 01:34:36 in the world
1499 01:34:38 at the Donkey Kong.
1500 01:34:41 That's right. I am.
1501 01:34:43 Ludlow. What's the matter, buddy?
1502 01:34:45 I finally had the one thing I wanted
1503 01:34:48 and now I'm back to being all alone.
1504 01:34:50 Lady Lisa, she made an appearance.
1505 01:34:53 And while you guys were out, you know,
1506 01:34:56 savin' the world, you kind of destroyed his.
1507 01:34:59 That's horrible.
1508 01:35:00 It's just, how come he gets to stay? Why are you still here?
1509 01:35:04 I'm sorry.
1510 01:35:06 Q*bert's a trophy.
1511 01:35:07 And I guess we get to keep the trophies.
1512 01:35:10 Yeah.
1513 01:35:22 Q*bert, what is it?
1514 01:35:40 Wait, no one else is weirded out by this? That was just Q*bert.
1515 01:35:43 -Mr. President! Please! -Yes, Renee.
1516 01:35:45 Mr. President, are we out of danger?
1517 01:35:47 Yes. In fact, I am pleased to announce
1518 01:35:50 I have brokered a peace treaty with the alien invaders.
1519 01:35:56 This peace is due to, and only due to
1520 01:35:59 the bravery of the Arcaders,
1521 01:36:01 who, against all odds, stepped up and saved us all.
1522 01:36:06 Eddie Plant,
1523 01:36:08 Ludlow Lamonsoff,
1524 01:36:10 Sam Brenner,
1525 01:36:11 and Lieutenant Colonel Violet Van Patten
1526 01:36:14 are American heroes.
1527 01:36:16 World heroes.
1528 01:36:21 "World hero"? I guess you're not a nerd anymore.
1529 01:36:24 You don't want me to stop being a nerd, ever.
1530 01:36:26 Why is that?
1531 01:36:27 'Cause like I said, nerds are the greatest kissers.
1532 01:36:31 I'll be the judge of that.
1533 01:37:48 Hey, kids. Daddy's home.
1534 01:37:51 -Daddy! -Daddy! Daddy!
1535 01:37:54 -Dad! Dad! -Daddy! Daddy!
1536 01:37:56 Daddy! Daddy!
