网聘女伴(Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates)(EN)Subtitles
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1 00:00:23 (MESS AROUND PLAYING)
2 00:00:25 Oh, no, oh, no
3 00:00:32 Ahhh, oh, no, ahhh, oh, no
4 00:00:38 Ahhh, oh, no
5 00:00:42 No, she don't mess aroundNo, she don't mess around
6 00:00:51 MIKE: 100% blue agave.
7 00:00:54 Taste it.
8 00:00:55 RANDY: Look, Mike, I like you.
9 00:00:57 But no one's lookingfor another brand of tequila.
10 00:01:00 They've got the three... What is it?
11 00:01:01 The Cuervo, the other one,and the third one.
12 00:01:03 And they don't need more tequila.
13 00:01:05 - If I can't sell it, it's not gonna sell.- People want the new-new.
14 00:01:08 - The "new-new"?- The "new-new."
15 00:01:09 They want that new-new.
16 00:01:10 No!
17 00:01:12 What if I could sell this tequilato a customer?
18 00:01:14 - Would I have your order then?- (LAUGHS) Yeah, sure.
19 00:01:16 And I'm just gonna pick a customerat random.
20 00:01:19 Excuse me, sir.
21 00:01:21 Do you enjoy the taste of tequila?
22 00:01:24 (IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Why, yes, I do.
23 00:01:25 But I only drink my particular brand,and you will not convince me otherwise.
24 00:01:28 - It's a perfect candidate.- Because it's your brother!
25 00:01:31 I know that's your brother.
26 00:01:32 He dated my niece.
27 00:01:33 Look, mate, I don't know your niece.
28 00:01:35 - Okay.- But if I did...
29 00:01:36 I'd say she was a little clingy,and she'd freak a lot of people out.
30 00:01:39 We play Wards With Friendstogether, right?
31 00:01:41 - Dave, right?- Name's Rick. Just got in from Melbourne.
32 00:01:45 His name's Rick.
33 00:01:46 I know he's your brother.
34 00:01:47 Look, look, look.You guys are funny, you're weird.
35 00:01:50 We do this every couple weeks...
36 00:01:52 All right, I'll take 10 cases.
37 00:01:54 - Fuck, yes!- (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Yes!
38 00:01:55 Yes! I knew it!
39 00:01:56 - We sold your ass, Randy!- (DAVE WHOOPS)
40 00:01:57 I don't know if that's what happened.
41 00:01:58 - It was the hat, right?- Was it the hat?
42 00:02:00 I just found this over there.
43 00:02:01 (DO SOMETHING CRAZY PLAYING)
44 00:02:08 Do something crazy
45 00:02:09 (ALL CHEERING)
46 00:02:10 Live like it's Mardi Gras
47 00:02:11 And go jump, make the party start
48 00:02:13 Don't need no R&R
49 00:02:15 To regular life, I say Au revoir
50 00:02:17 Yay! Living life in the fast lane
51 00:02:19 Now your pain only be champagne
52 00:02:21 So please come join meOne thing, good vibes only
53 00:02:25 Start the keg, I'mma fill my cup
54 00:02:28 Got fireworks, got boozeLet's blow some shit up
55 00:02:33 Tonight I'm going stupid
56 00:02:34 Doing things I've never done
57 00:02:37 We all got one thing in common
58 00:02:39 We just wanna have fun
59 00:02:44 Do something crazy
60 00:02:46 Okay
61 00:02:48 Do something crazy
62 00:02:52 Do what you wanna do
63 00:02:56 Do something crazy
64 00:03:00 I'm about to do
65 00:03:02 I'm about to do
66 00:03:04 Do something crazy
67 00:03:05 Do something crazy
68 00:03:07 Do something wild
69 00:03:09 Rolling with the homies
70 00:03:10 Chicks by my side
71 00:03:13 Live for the moment
72 00:03:15 All of the time
73 00:03:17 Turn up the music
74 00:03:19 Only good vibes
75 00:03:21 DAVE:Sorry to throw the accent at you, bro.
76 00:03:22 MIKE: No, dude. I loved it,and it kept me in the now.
77 00:03:24 Do you realize that that sale puts usat number three in the office?
78 00:03:27 The Stangle bros are killing it right now!
79 00:03:29 (LAUGHING)
80 00:03:30 MIKE: It's not an actual hat.They just call it a jimmy hat.
81 00:03:32 If you wear two, they break.
82 00:03:33 - It's an urban legend...- No, it's not.
83 00:03:37 Mom, Dad?
84 00:03:39 DAVE: Jeanie. Eric.
85 00:03:40 Don't freak out.I don't want you to freak out.
86 00:03:43 Just come on in.
87 00:03:44 BURT: Why don't we all just sit down?
88 00:03:46 We gotta talk to you.
89 00:03:48 We wanna discussJeanie and Eric's wedding.
90 00:03:50 - DAVE: Oh! Sweet.- MIKE: Okay.
91 00:03:51 DAVE: Are you guys thinking DJ or band?First thought, band, right?
92 00:03:54 No. People want to hear the real songs.
93 00:03:56 You don't want to hear a guysinging Beyoncé.
94 00:03:58 You just want to hear Beyoncé.
95 00:03:59 Oh.
96 00:04:00 Yeah, but we want to talk about...
97 00:04:03 is you two.
98 00:04:06 Now, over the years...
99 00:04:08 a theme has emergedat our family gatherings.
100 00:04:11 Everyone's having a good time...
101 00:04:12 - That's right.- Things are going smoothly.
102 00:04:15 Party time.
103 00:04:16 And then you two show up...
104 00:04:18 stag...
105 00:04:19 and you hit on girls...
106 00:04:20 you act like idiots...
107 00:04:22 and you ruin it.
108 00:04:23 Ruin it.
109 00:04:25 - What? We are not party ruiners!- Mm-mm.
110 00:04:27 We're party creators!
111 00:04:29 And besides, when have we everruined a family event?
112 00:04:32 Ah!
113 00:04:33 We thought you might say that.
114 00:04:34 ROSIE:Yep, here we go. And we just stream it.
115 00:04:35 BURT: Apple TV.
116 00:04:36 We just need your password.
117 00:04:38 - Bryan's baby dick 69.- Yeah.
118 00:04:39 BURT: Bryan's baby dick 69.
119 00:04:41 What the fuck, guys? Really?
120 00:04:43 - Got it. Yep.- Is that it?
121 00:04:44 BURT: Good.
122 00:04:47 Happy Fourth of July!
123 00:04:49 (ALL CHEERING)
124 00:04:50 Oh, shit!
125 00:04:53 (ALL SCREAMING)
126 00:04:55 It was fun up to that point.
127 00:04:57 - (EXPLOSION)- (ALL SCREAMING)
128 00:05:00 (BOTH LAUGHING)
129 00:05:05 God damn it! My trailer!
130 00:05:10 (ALL CHEERING)
131 00:05:12 (SCREAMING)
132 00:05:16 (LAUGHING) Oh, shit.
133 00:05:18 Actually, this is whatwe're trying to avoid.
134 00:05:19 - (CRYING)- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
135 00:05:20 - The both of you are fucking idiots.- Fucking losers!
136 00:05:24 (ALL CHEERING)
137 00:05:27 (COUGHING)
138 00:05:32 JEANIE: Grandpa, wake up! Take his tie.
139 00:05:35 Are you saying we had something to dowith Grandfather's death? Hmm?
140 00:05:38 He died five years after that!
141 00:05:40 That is a lot of guilt to put us.Shame on you.
142 00:05:42 Plus, this video only shows the screw-ups.
143 00:05:45 Where's the epic trackingshots of smiling faces?
144 00:05:48 And everybody looking at us, just going...
145 00:05:50 "God, I love Mike and Dave.
146 00:05:52 "They made this whole party worth it."
147 00:05:54 When are the two of you going to grow up?
148 00:05:57 This shtick was cute for a while...
149 00:05:59 but it's gotten stale.
150 00:06:01 Mom, come on, what are you...
151 00:06:03 You're talking about us likewe're a couple of losers or something.
152 00:06:06 BURT: What we don't want you to do isgo chasing girls and get out of control.
153 00:06:09 - You understand?- Wait, we can still talk to girls, right?
154 00:06:12 - You can each talk to one girl.- The girls that you bring to the wedding.
155 00:06:16 - What do you mean?- I want you to bring a date.
156 00:06:19 - That's two dates.- You want us to bring dates to a wedding?
157 00:06:24 - Excuse me?- Are you allowed to do that?
158 00:06:26 Nice, respectable, smart girls!Keep you in line.
159 00:06:29 - What the fuck?- What?
160 00:06:30 - Are you insane?- Oh, you're kidding.
161 00:06:32 You are not screwing up this wedding.Do you hear me?
162 00:06:34 Mom, do you hear this river of horse shitcoming out of Dad's mouth?
163 00:06:37 We don't want you showing up stagand riling each other up!
164 00:06:40 - We don't rile each other up!- We never get riled up!
165 00:06:43 - I don't get riled!- He doesn't and I don't, either!
166 00:06:45 Look at you right now! You're riled!
167 00:06:47 - Take your head out of your ass, Dad!- You sound insane right now.
168 00:06:49 Everybody stop yelling! Okay?
169 00:06:52 You guys bringing wedding dateswas my idea.
170 00:06:56 Look, I love the shit out of you guys.
171 00:06:59 But everyone is already stressed outabout this wedding...
172 00:07:02 and I just need you to be cool.
173 00:07:05 Of course, Jeanie!
174 00:07:07 Please?
175 00:07:08 For me?
176 00:07:09 I promise. We would never do anythingto mess up your wedding.
177 00:07:12 MIKE: Jeanie, we love you.
178 00:07:14 We want this to bethe best day of your life.
179 00:07:15 Yeah.
180 00:07:16 You, too, Eric.
181 00:07:18 - Oh.- Oh. Thank you.
182 00:07:19 Mostly you, though, Jeanie.
183 00:07:20 (CHUCKLES)
184 00:07:21 If you want us to bring dates,we're bringing dates.
185 00:07:23 All right, it's settled then.
186 00:07:26 Wedding dates!
187 00:07:28 Dave, buddy, let me talk to youfor a second, okay? Listen.
188 00:07:30 I'm sorry to lump you in with Mike...
189 00:07:33 but if I only told your older brotherto bring a date...
190 00:07:34 he'd get all weird about it.
191 00:07:36 I just feel like he's holding you back.
192 00:07:38 Dad, I don't mindbeing lumped in with Mike.
193 00:07:40 Do you rememberthe fifth grade bake sale...
194 00:07:42 when Mom made those cupcakes...
195 00:07:43 and I called them moist?
196 00:07:44 - Mm-hmm.- Everyone called me Moist...
197 00:07:47 till Mike took a cupcake...
198 00:07:49 and shoved it in Tom Ginty's face.
199 00:07:52 He said, "Now you're moist, Moist."
200 00:07:56 That's the kind of guy Mike is.
201 00:07:58 So, think on that...
202 00:08:01 Dad.
203 00:08:04 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to end thaton such a weird note, Dad.
204 00:08:07 - I love you. And thanks.- Good. I don't want you to be mad.
205 00:08:09 I'm not even mad. I'm not even upset.
206 00:08:10 We're gonna find some dates.
207 00:08:12 TATIANA: I gotta say, some nights,I am not looking my best.
208 00:08:15 But tonight is not one of those nights!
209 00:08:17 (LAUGHS)
210 00:08:18 - Do you like my hair?- Yeah, girl.
211 00:08:20 - You look good.- No.
212 00:08:21 We're gonna make a lot of tips tonight.
213 00:08:23 Good. We need it. We don't have any money.
214 00:08:25 Uh, you got money for this ride, don't you?
215 00:08:27 - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
216 00:08:28 (WHISPERING) 'Cause you have money?
217 00:08:29 I thought you had money.
218 00:08:31 I don't have any money.
219 00:08:32 You know I don't have money.
220 00:08:33 Yeah, y'all are whispering like peoplethat don't got money.
221 00:08:35 Check it out. I'mma pay you right now.
222 00:08:37 Boop. I Apple Paid.
223 00:08:39 I don't even have Apple Pay.
224 00:08:40 Yo, Siri, pay this man.
225 00:08:42 He's already paid.
226 00:08:43 God damn it!
227 00:08:44 I'm not gonna take shit from you,because this my cab.
228 00:08:47 You shouldn't take shit from us.
229 00:08:48 - You should kick us out!- You should kick us out of this cab.
230 00:08:51 You know what? I'm gonna kick youthe fuck out of this cab.
231 00:08:54 Yeah, just go three more blocks upon the right...
232 00:08:56 and then kick us out!
233 00:08:58 - (BRAKES SCREECHING)- Here we are!
234 00:09:00 Get out of my cab.
235 00:09:01 Thank you. You're a really good person.
236 00:09:02 Okay, God bless you.
237 00:09:04 I'm just gonna start driving for Uber.Fuck it.
238 00:09:07 Ooh. I got a good idea.
239 00:09:08 Let's pop off, get a couple of drinksbefore work.
240 00:09:10 Just a few,because I don't want to get hammered.
241 00:09:12 Yeah, of course not. Just a light buzz.
242 00:09:17 (ALL CHEERING)
243 00:09:20 Hey, hey, hey!
244 00:09:21 Welcome to Sake Bombers...
245 00:09:23 where your first Sake Bomb is on us!
246 00:09:25 - Kaboom!- You're drunk, Alice.
247 00:09:28 You're doing that thingwhere you're whispering,
248 00:09:29 but you're really yelling.
249 00:09:31 Because I'm upset with you.
250 00:09:32 Oh, what the hell?
251 00:09:33 ALICE: I don't understand why you juststarted yelling at me for no reason.
252 00:09:36 - What the hell is going on here?- Your little buddy is shit-faced.
253 00:09:40 Straight up.Her fiancé just left her at the altar.
254 00:09:44 She's been going through a hard time.
255 00:09:45 - Are you guys talking about me?- No, baby girl.
256 00:09:47 You know how many timesI have come in here...
257 00:09:49 and she is drunk off her fucking ass,dancing on the tables?
258 00:09:53 Only when Rihanna comes on,because it's my jam.
259 00:09:56 I am a strong independent woman.
260 00:09:58 And I will get on a tableand shake my shit to RiRi.
261 00:10:02 Because it's my right. America!
262 00:10:04 Feminism!
263 00:10:05 You just push your tits upand say feminism?
264 00:10:07 Yeah. Read a Twitter.
265 00:10:08 # 2016. Women can do shit now.
266 00:10:11 (ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD PLAYING)
267 00:10:14 RONNIE: Don't do that!
268 00:10:16 Who put her jam on?
269 00:10:17 Queen RiRi, forever!
270 00:10:20 I'm really sorry that I got us fired.
271 00:10:22 I'm just sort of surprisedit didn't happen sooner...
272 00:10:24 - but I'm still really sorry.- Hey!
273 00:10:26 Alice, you do not apologizeright now, okay?
274 00:10:29 You didn't do one thing wrong.
275 00:10:30 - Okay.- People need to get in line with you.
276 00:10:33 Right. You're right.
277 00:10:35 Alice, why are you watchingyour wedding video?
278 00:10:37 FATHER MIKE ON VIDEO:And Alice... do you take Luke?
279 00:10:40 I do.
280 00:10:41 ALICE: Because it's therapeutic.The more I watch it, the less I feel.
281 00:10:44 FATHER MIKE: And do you, Luke, take Alice?
282 00:10:45 I do...
283 00:10:46 not.
284 00:10:48 (PEOPLE GASPING)
285 00:10:50 Oh, man. Fuck you, Luke.
286 00:10:52 Oh, fuck that guy.
287 00:10:53 Fuck him right in his dick.
288 00:10:55 No!
289 00:10:56 Because now I'm picturing his dickgetting fucked by another dick.
290 00:11:00 And it makes me want to protect it.
291 00:11:02 Oh, my God, girl! Damn!
292 00:11:05 You're better than this. Come on!
293 00:11:07 We're T and A!
294 00:11:09 Where's the Alice who madevodka pot brownies with me...
295 00:11:11 for the junior high science fair?
296 00:11:13 Or gave us water balloon tits and we wonthat wet T-shirt contest in Mexico?
297 00:11:16 Oh, yeah, they were so nice.
298 00:11:18 I know, dude. We need that shit.
299 00:11:20 I'm tired of living like this.
300 00:11:23 We need an adventure.
301 00:11:27 We've got a great little packagewe're selling here, man.
302 00:11:29 A week in a tropical paradise...
303 00:11:31 with two fun-loving,yet surprisingly well-read bros?
304 00:11:35 Yeah.
305 00:11:36 I read most of the Goosebumps series,and so did you.
306 00:11:37 Yeah.
307 00:11:39 Where do I sign up?
308 00:11:40 Dude, focus.
309 00:11:41 - Okay.- This is for Jeanie.
310 00:11:43 So to find the perfect fun, but nice girls,we're gonna have to meet a lot of them.
311 00:11:47 The Internet!
312 00:11:48 That's a good idea.
313 00:11:49 Match.com, Tinder...
314 00:11:51 Grindr, OkCupid.
315 00:11:53 Craigslist!
316 00:11:54 Craigslist?
317 00:11:55 Craigslist, you think,that's where you go to meet nice girls?
318 00:11:57 Dave?
319 00:11:58 We met this couch on Craigslist.
320 00:12:01 And you wuv this couch, don't you?
321 00:12:04 I do love that couch.
322 00:12:07 DAVE:I'm gonna unlock the swag on this bitch.
323 00:12:09 All right.
324 00:12:10 Here you go. Just take a little sip.Take a little nip-a-roo.
325 00:12:14 (BOTH LAUGHING)
326 00:12:16 Boom!
327 00:12:18 Do you think anyone's even really gonnasee this?
328 00:12:20 God, I hope so.
329 00:12:21 Like max, what do you think?
330 00:12:22 We're gonna get, like, five or six datesout of this, or what?
331 00:12:25 I'd be happy with that.
332 00:12:33 Hey.
333 00:12:34 Did you see this thingthat Shelly's sending around the office?
334 00:12:36 It's a free trip to Hawaii!
335 00:12:39 Look what someone posted to my Facebook.
336 00:12:40 - I gotta tweet this out.- WOMAN 1: Those guys are cute.
337 00:12:43 Ala-hat!
338 00:12:44 - ALL: I got the one on the right.- I like the one on the right.
339 00:12:47 Oh, I got the one on the right.
340 00:12:48 I like the one on the right.
341 00:12:51 - We gotta send this to everyone.- TANISHA: Let's all apply!
342 00:12:53 - WOMAN 2: I want to go to Hawaii.- WOMAN 3: I just emailed them.
343 00:12:55 WOMAN A:Let's just meet them, give 'em a chance.
344 00:12:56 So, you guys want to go to a wedding?
345 00:12:59 (BOTH LAUGHING)
346 00:13:00 Uh, what are your names?
347 00:13:01 (CONTINUE LAUGHING)
348 00:13:03 Do you guys have names?
349 00:13:05 Basically we were looking throughCraigslist for work.
350 00:13:09 Oh, you're both...
351 00:13:10 CALL GIRL: Prostitutes.
352 00:13:11 Whatever. Take us to Hawaii!
353 00:13:13 Hawaii!
354 00:13:14 (ALL CHEERING)
355 00:13:17 We can't take you.
356 00:13:18 No way.
357 00:13:20 Did you guys say something aboutan all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii?
358 00:13:22 It's just for girls.
359 00:13:24 That's not a deal breaker.
360 00:13:26 Hi, my name is Lauralie...
361 00:13:27 and I'm kind of new to this.
362 00:13:28 Yeah.
363 00:13:29 You're new to...
364 00:13:31 Online dating. Yeah.
365 00:13:32 I'm not really lookingfor a heteronormative relationship.
366 00:13:35 - You look like a Nike swoosh.- Goddamn right, I do.
367 00:13:38 I work at a dog shelter.
368 00:13:39 Our sister loves dogs.
369 00:13:40 I wanna make surethey get really good homes.
370 00:13:42 What's a good home?
371 00:13:43 The white homes.
372 00:13:45 - The what homes?- The white homes.
373 00:13:47 Like white people.
374 00:13:50 Check, please.
375 00:13:52 This isn't lipstick. This is a tattoo,you dumb fuck.
376 00:13:55 (BOTH LAUGHING)
377 00:13:56 Who are you laughing at? Who?
378 00:13:59 All right, look, here's the deal.
379 00:14:01 I went through a divorce, like,three weeks ago. I need a vacation.
380 00:14:03 No.
381 00:14:05 Okay, you guys sureyou don't want to fuck?
382 00:14:06 - What?- Nothing.
383 00:14:07 - DAVE: What did you say?- Nothing.
384 00:14:08 Sounded like you said,"Do you wanna fuck?"
385 00:14:10 Do you wanna fuck?
386 00:14:12 - What?- What?
387 00:14:13 - What?- You guys...
388 00:14:14 - Do you want me to fuck you?- No.
389 00:14:15 - No.- I didn't say it, but...
390 00:14:17 - I'll suck your dick right now. What?- What?
391 00:14:23 (THEME SONG PLAYING)
392 00:14:24 (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
393 00:14:26 Welcome back.
394 00:14:27 I'm here with Mike and Dave Stangle...
395 00:14:29 who posted an ad on Craigslist...
396 00:14:31 looking for datesfor their sister's wedding...
397 00:14:33 in Oahu, Hawaii.
398 00:14:35 Well, the ad went viral.
399 00:14:37 Mm-hmm.
400 00:14:38 WENDY: It racked up over 6,000 responses...
401 00:14:40 from women who actually wanted to go.
402 00:14:43 Yeah, well, who's counting?
403 00:14:44 You know, I guess we all are.
404 00:14:45 Is this my close-up?
405 00:14:47 WENDY: You guys, come on. Craigslist?
406 00:14:48 MIKE: Honestly, this is aboutfinding nice girls...
407 00:14:51 to go with us to Hawaiifor our sister's wedding.
408 00:14:53 And I just want to reiterate...
409 00:14:55 we're footing the bill for thisbecause we're gentlemen.
410 00:14:57 Free trip to Hawaii?
411 00:14:59 (GASPS) I'm awake!
412 00:15:00 - WENDY: Come on. Craigslist.- What's up?
413 00:15:02 That's where you goto buy old patio furniture.
414 00:15:03 You know what else you can findon Craigslist?
415 00:15:05 Mm-hmm.
416 00:15:06 - Love.- Mm-mm.
417 00:15:08 That's right. I said it.
418 00:15:10 - Love.- ALICE: That one seems sweet.
419 00:15:12 He has a kind soul.
420 00:15:14 Yeah, and he's also super hot.
421 00:15:18 Yeah, he's hot as fucking balls.
422 00:15:20 But just to repeat,we're looking for nice girls.
423 00:15:23 Like, girls that our mom and our sisterwould like.
424 00:15:26 Okay, look, dude, we are going to Hawaii.
425 00:15:30 Let's go on vacation.
426 00:15:31 But it's not a vacation. It's a wedding.
427 00:15:33 Do you really think a wedding'sthe best place for me?
428 00:15:36 Since the last wedding I went towas mine...
429 00:15:39 and it didn't turn out very well.
430 00:15:41 I hear you, but look...
431 00:15:42 this shit is why this shitis perfect, okay?
432 00:15:45 Because ever since Luke left,you haven't been the same.
433 00:15:47 You need to get over that,once and for all.
434 00:15:50 And this our shot, man.
435 00:15:51 That dude,he's gonna get your groove back.
436 00:15:53 This right here is an opportunityof a lifetime...
437 00:15:56 and you know we are entrepreneurs.
438 00:15:59 You know what?
439 00:16:00 Let's make these guys take us to Hawaii!
440 00:16:02 You're right! Let's do it!
441 00:16:04 Let's just do it!
442 00:16:05 - Yes, bitch.- Let's fucking do it!
443 00:16:07 - We'll be right back.- (WOMEN WHOOPING)
444 00:16:09 TATIANA: We gonna go to Hawaii!
445 00:16:10 We gonna go to Hawaii!
446 00:16:14 Whoa! Whoa!
447 00:16:15 - Hold up!- What?
448 00:16:17 Those boys said they wanted nice girls.We don't look like nice girls.
449 00:16:21 Yeah, I guessI haven't showered in a while.
450 00:16:24 Fine, well, you know what we're gonna do?
451 00:16:27 We're gonna look respectable as fuck.
452 00:16:30 Like nice girls.
453 00:16:33 Ugh. (SNIFFLES)
454 00:16:35 Dude, it's like that Jesus rag!
455 00:16:38 Ow! It's part of me.
456 00:16:40 Tatiana, your underwearneeds more underwears.
457 00:16:43 Whoa!
458 00:16:47 Oh, this dress is my bitch!
459 00:16:52 Dude, we have met 37 insane women.
460 00:16:55 We can't bring any of these girls.
461 00:16:56 Maybe Dad'll just forget abouthis ultimatum.
462 00:16:58 Why would Dad forget about an old tomato?
463 00:17:02 No, his ultimatum.
464 00:17:04 - Old tom...- Ultimatum.
465 00:17:05 Are you saying "old tomato"?
466 00:17:06 Ultima-tomb. Like a tomb or a crypt.
467 00:17:09 Ultimatum.
468 00:17:10 Well, we gotta figure something out,because the wedding's coming up quick.
469 00:17:14 (SIGHS)
470 00:17:24 BOTH:Why is everything a competition with you?
471 00:17:25 And I said that first, so actually,I won that.
472 00:17:30 ALICE: So what time are we meeting them?
473 00:17:32 Technically, no time.
474 00:17:35 Yeah, because I was thinking aboutemailing them...
475 00:17:37 but then I was thinking, um...
476 00:17:39 what kind of floozy-ass bimbowould respond to that ad?
477 00:17:42 Um...
478 00:17:43 Us.
479 00:17:45 Yeah, but we're not like those idiots.You know what I'm saying?
480 00:17:47 Because they're all like,"Oh! Pick me, pick me!"
481 00:17:50 it's like the guys interviewing the girls.
482 00:17:52 Like, it immediately would put usin an inferior position.
483 00:17:55 We're gonna flip the scriptand Bachelorette that shit.
484 00:17:57 - Those guys would be lucky to have us.- Right.
485 00:18:00 - We just gotta make them think so.- Okay, right.
486 00:18:02 But, you know,I'm really not good at lying...
487 00:18:04 because I always try to start smalland then it gets crazy...
488 00:18:07 and I make-up stuffthat couldn't possibly be true.
489 00:18:10 Baby, you can do this.Let's practice, okay?
490 00:18:12 Okay.
491 00:18:13 - Um, what do you like to do?- Drink.
492 00:18:16 Just sweet teas.
493 00:18:17 Sweet teas and biscuits on blimps.
494 00:18:19 All right, straight up,you don't have to do an accent.
495 00:18:21 I was doing an accent?
496 00:18:23 And definitely don't bring up blimps.
497 00:18:24 Shit! They're leaving.
498 00:18:26 If it was a competition, I won it.
499 00:18:27 All right, don't worry.
500 00:18:29 It's all part of the plan.
501 00:18:30 - Is it?- Oh, yeah.
502 00:18:32 What does that mean? What plan?I don't know this part of the plan...
503 00:18:34 Whoa! Ahh!
504 00:18:36 - Oh, fuck!- (MEN GASP)
505 00:18:37 - (GROANING)- (PEOPLE GASPING)
506 00:18:39 Tatiana! Oh!
507 00:18:41 Holy shit.
508 00:18:42 Babe. Are you okay?
509 00:18:43 I'm okay. Yell, "She can't breathe!"
510 00:18:45 She can't breathe!
511 00:18:46 She can't breathe! Somebody help her!
512 00:18:48 Somebody give her CPR!
513 00:18:49 - She can't breathe!- I know CPR!
514 00:18:51 - Great!- I was a volunteer EMT!
515 00:18:52 Hey, don't worry.My brother's got this, okay?
516 00:18:54 I took a class. I know what I'm doing.
517 00:18:56 - ALICE: She has a weak heart!- Ma'am?
518 00:18:57 - Ma'am?- She has a weak heart.
519 00:18:58 I'm an EMT. I'm like a doctor, basically.
520 00:19:01 I'm here to save your fucking life, okay?
521 00:19:04 - She's my only friend!- That's her only friend, Mike!
522 00:19:06 We got a pulse! Okay.
523 00:19:07 Don't let her die!
524 00:19:08 Don't you fucking let her die, Mike!
525 00:19:10 Just shut the fuck up, Dave!You, too, shut up!
526 00:19:13 Both of you, shut up! Okay?
527 00:19:14 I'm gonna save her life!
528 00:19:16 (BREATHES DEEPLY)
529 00:19:19 Plug the nose.
530 00:19:22 (GASPS)
531 00:19:23 MIKE: Oh!
532 00:19:25 Are you okay?
533 00:19:27 (PANTING) I am now.
534 00:19:31 - I saved her life!- ALICE: She's okay!
535 00:19:32 - She's okay?- I saved her life!
536 00:19:34 (ALL CHEERING)
537 00:19:35 Thank you! Thank you!
538 00:19:37 - OFFICER: You're under arrest.- MAN: She hit my car!
539 00:19:39 TATIANA:No, you guys, I'm totally fine, really.
540 00:19:40 It happens all the time.
541 00:19:42 That was a vicious hit.We should take you to the hospital.
542 00:19:44 It's crazy.It's almost like I owe you my life.
543 00:19:47 - Almost.- Yeah. Technically, yeah.
544 00:19:49 - Let me help you with that ice.- I do.
545 00:19:51 Oh, no.
546 00:19:52 Seems like it's going pretty wellwith your guy.
547 00:19:54 Dude, I'm fucking crushing it! So hard!
548 00:19:57 - (LAUGHS)- Check this out.
549 00:19:59 The kids in my classare gonna love this story.
550 00:20:02 I'm a school teacher.
551 00:20:05 You're a school teacher? (CHUCKLES) Wow.
552 00:20:08 Oop. I think they spelt "frittata"wrong on the menu.
553 00:20:11 I always notice words and spelling...
554 00:20:12 because I'm a teacher...
555 00:20:15 and that's what I do.
556 00:20:16 (CHUCKLES) That's...
557 00:20:18 So, Alice, um, what do you do?
558 00:20:21 Manage a hedge fund.
559 00:20:23 You manage a hedge fund?
560 00:20:24 I don't even know what a hedge fund is.
561 00:20:26 Oh. So there's a regular fund,and then there's a hedge fund.
562 00:20:29 And our fund...
563 00:20:32 Uh, we hedge it.
564 00:20:33 We hedge it hard.
565 00:20:35 Oh, wow.
566 00:20:36 I get in, in the morning, and I'm like...
567 00:20:38 "How's the hedging coming?You been hedging? You hedged much?"
568 00:20:41 And it's like, too big to fail.
569 00:20:44 Corporate greed, bailouts.
570 00:20:46 In a New York minute,everything can change.
571 00:20:48 On the floor of the NASDAQ and the U.N.
572 00:20:51 And then, Fannie Mae.
573 00:20:53 Bernie Mac and D.L. Hughley...
574 00:20:55 - Alice, you want some water?- Yeah.
575 00:20:57 - That's so smart.- That is.
576 00:20:59 (IMITATES LIAM NEESON)"But what I do have...
577 00:21:01 "is a particular set of skills.
578 00:21:03 "Skills I have acquiredover a very long career.
579 00:21:06 "Skills that make me a nightmarefor people like you."
580 00:21:11 Click. That's it.
581 00:21:12 That was amazing.
582 00:21:13 It was like Dave was not even here...
583 00:21:15 and I was just standing in a barwith Liam Neeson.
584 00:21:17 Like, "Hello, Liam Neeson's over here."
585 00:21:19 You're a professional comedianor something?
586 00:21:21 What? No. I sell liquor with my brother.
587 00:21:24 - Oh.- Yeah.
588 00:21:25 - I do like to draw.- Oh, yeah?
589 00:21:27 Yeah, I have drawings hereI could show you.
590 00:21:29 Oh, shit, not that. Sorry.
591 00:21:31 Here. So, they're like The Avengers...
592 00:21:33 but they're different types of alcohol.
593 00:21:35 So, you have Tequila,and then he's got his pet worm right there.
594 00:21:38 And his name is Lil' Mez.
595 00:21:40 Because he'll "Mez" you up.
596 00:21:42 The next one right there, that's Gin.
597 00:21:44 (IMITATES ALI G) When he flips his cap off,dawg, he's just like...
598 00:21:46 "Yo, I'll pop you off. Guaranteed.One knock." (GRUNTS)
599 00:21:49 Done.
600 00:21:51 Next, Whiskey.
601 00:21:52 (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)Likes to make moonshine
602 00:21:53 and kill bad guys.
603 00:21:55 Dude, this is objectively amazing.
604 00:21:57 (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Thanks.
605 00:21:58 What's the hardest thingabout being a teacher?
606 00:22:01 I don't know.
607 00:22:04 Oh, um...
608 00:22:05 The hardest thing about being a teacher...
609 00:22:09 is teaching cursive.
610 00:22:10 That's awesome.
611 00:22:11 - What about you?- Yeah?
612 00:22:13 - Are you seeing anyone?- No.
613 00:22:16 My ex is gone. Long gone.
614 00:22:18 What do you mean?
615 00:22:19 He died. Of cancer.
616 00:22:21 Oh, my God.
617 00:22:22 And AIDS.
618 00:22:24 He died twice?
619 00:22:25 (EXHALES) And then he diedin a plane crash, so...
620 00:22:28 Whoo! That's a lot to take in.
621 00:22:30 I know!
622 00:22:32 Thank you.
623 00:22:34 Thank you, brotha.
624 00:22:37 Dude.
625 00:22:39 We should take these girlsto the wedding. Right?
626 00:22:41 Mine's a sexy school teacher...
627 00:22:43 and yours... hedges funds.
628 00:22:46 - Just keep doing sexy eyes.- Okay.
629 00:22:47 Keep doing sexy eyes.
630 00:22:50 I like Alice.
631 00:22:51 And she's smart, she's funny, she's weird.
632 00:22:54 MIKE: We invite these girls to the wedding,suddenly we're not losers.
633 00:22:57 We're winners!
634 00:23:01 TATIANA: Here they come. They're coming.
635 00:23:02 Hey, uh, this might sound crazy...
636 00:23:04 but our little sister is getting marriedin Hawaii...
637 00:23:07 and we wanted to knowif you guys wanted to come with.
638 00:23:11 - Um... (LAUGHS)- Um...
639 00:23:13 Can you just give us a second to...
640 00:23:15 Of course.
641 00:23:17 Okay, so just whisperlike we're talking it over...
642 00:23:20 like we're not sure if we wanna go or not.
643 00:23:21 ALICE: Oh, like...
644 00:23:28 What the fuck are you doing?
645 00:23:29 ALICE:I don't understand why we're arguing!
646 00:23:31 I thought we wanted to go.
647 00:23:32 All right, fuck it. Let's go to Hawaii!
648 00:23:33 (WHOOPS)
649 00:23:34 - Yes! Fuck yes!- ALICE: Hawaii!
650 00:23:36 (ALL WHOOPING)
651 00:23:38 (FEEL SO GOOD PLAYING)
652 00:23:39 Yo, what you know about goin' out?
653 00:23:41 Head west, red LexTV's all up in the headrest
654 00:23:43 Try and live it up, ride true, a bigger truck
655 00:23:45 Peeps all glittered upStick up can, they go what?
656 00:23:48 Jig wit it 'cuz ship crisp, split it all
657 00:23:50 Ho's ride, get your nut 'til I can't get it up
658 00:23:52 Bad, bad, bad, bad boy
659 00:23:55 You make me feel so good
660 00:23:57 Aloha, and welcome.
661 00:23:58 - Hi.- Aloha.
662 00:23:59 For real?
663 00:24:00 Let me get you gentlemen checked in, yeah?
664 00:24:03 Holy shit, this place is nice!
665 00:24:07 It's gonna be more nice.
666 00:24:09 Nice girls don't show off their ecstasy.
667 00:24:12 One of these is a multivitamin.
668 00:24:13 Is this shit free?
669 00:24:14 I can smoke weed out of this,I can smoke weed out of this...
670 00:24:17 Look at that teacher,grabbing her apple a day.
671 00:24:21 Look at that personality from behind.
672 00:24:24 It is, dare I say...
673 00:24:26 - well-rounded.- Mmm-hmm.
674 00:24:28 TATIANA: Look at Mike.
675 00:24:29 He looks like a funhouse mirror versionof a better looking dude...
676 00:24:32 but he is just that dude.
677 00:24:34 Dave, it is so on this weekend.
678 00:24:37 (LAUGHS) I am not touching this guythe whole weekend.
679 00:24:39 He thinks just because he brought me hereI'm gonna sleep with him?
680 00:24:41 Check it out.
681 00:24:43 If this was Mike's dick, I'd be like...
682 00:24:45 - (SINGING) Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo...- (LAUGHING)
683 00:24:47 I'd get close, but I'd never touch it.
684 00:24:49 They have such beautiful flowers here.
685 00:24:51 She's throwing outserious vibes right now.
686 00:24:54 I'm like, I'm hungry.
687 00:24:55 I'm gonna butter them biscuits.
688 00:24:57 I'm gonna baste them ham hocks.
689 00:24:58 I'm gonna be like a sex chef.
690 00:25:00 Mr. Grey will see you now.
691 00:25:02 I'm gonna touch Dave.
692 00:25:04 Every time he says something sweet...
693 00:25:05 I wanna get some rope and chainin bulk from Home Depot...
694 00:25:08 and just see where it takes us, you know?
695 00:25:10 That is messed up.
696 00:25:13 Ladies, your wedding itineraries.
697 00:25:15 # DoingItForJeanie.
698 00:25:16 DAVE: Today, we havethe meet and greet by the pool.
699 00:25:18 And then after that,we have a dolphin excursion.
700 00:25:20 Friday is the rehearsal dinner.
701 00:25:22 Mmm-hmm.
702 00:25:23 That's where Dave and I are gonna bedoing our big speech.
703 00:25:25 (CLEARS THROAT)Will there be any downtime?
704 00:25:27 ALICE: Yeah, 'cause I gottakeep in touch with the office.
705 00:25:29 I gotta call my stocksabout the state of my bonds.
706 00:25:32 It happens a lot.
707 00:25:33 Mm-kay, I think we are right up here.
708 00:25:36 Great. So which oneis me and Alice's room?
709 00:25:40 Uh...
710 00:25:41 I don't know.Are you and Alice gonna share a room?
711 00:25:45 Or I was thinking that maybe you and I...
712 00:25:47 would stay in the same room.
713 00:25:51 That sounds interesting...
714 00:25:54 but I don't think it would be a good idea.
715 00:25:58 Why not?
716 00:26:01 (WHISPERING) Because I don'ttrust myself around you.
717 00:26:04 You can trust me.
718 00:26:06 I do trust you.
719 00:26:09 Let's trust each other.
720 00:26:10 There's so much trust.
721 00:26:14 Sorry. I didn't mean to do that.
722 00:26:16 I respect you so much,I can't wait to get you alone.
723 00:26:18 Yeah, we're gonna coverall the room charges and stuff...
724 00:26:21 for up to $50 per day.
725 00:26:22 Oh, my God. You don't have to do that.
726 00:26:23 I'm a very strict teacher.
727 00:26:26 You be Michelle Pfeifferfrom Dangerous Minds, and I'll be...
728 00:26:30 I'll be Coolio.
729 00:26:31 - Coolio's not in that movie.- Oh.
730 00:26:34 He is in song and spirit.
731 00:26:37 I'm gonna calla parent-teacher conference...
732 00:26:40 and tell them what a bad boy you are.
733 00:26:43 Please don't tell my mommy.
734 00:26:45 Please don't tell my daddy.
735 00:26:46 I think Wi-Fi is included, too, so...
736 00:26:48 - That's always nice. Yeah.- Yeah.
737 00:26:50 If I were to give you a grade,I'd give you a D.
738 00:26:54 A big, hard D.
739 00:26:55 Why? I deserve an A.
740 00:26:57 - What are you talking about?- Oh.
741 00:26:58 Nothing.
742 00:26:59 In conclusion...
743 00:27:01 I'm gonna stay in the room...
744 00:27:03 with Alice.
745 00:27:06 That one, with Alice.
746 00:27:08 Cool, cool. No doubt.
747 00:27:12 Somebody overcooked the soft pretzel.
748 00:27:16 My dick is hard. That's what I'm saying.Give me five minutes.
749 00:27:18 Oh, my God. Ew!
750 00:27:21 (SINGING) Lift it, drop it, shake it
751 00:27:23 It's going down for real
752 00:27:30 It's going down for real
753 00:27:34 Grandma, I'd like you to meet Alice.
754 00:27:35 She's super smart, great conversationalist,and she works on Wall Street.
755 00:27:38 But I'm one of the good ones.
756 00:27:39 (LAUGHS) I think she is.
757 00:27:44 TATIANA: I am a teacher, yeah.
758 00:27:45 And you know what?The key to teaching children is repetition.
759 00:27:48 You'd be surprised how stupid they are.
760 00:27:57 (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
761 00:28:00 Jeanie!
762 00:28:01 (GASPS)
763 00:28:03 - Hey, you!- Hi! Hi!
764 00:28:06 I'm so proudto introduce our wedding dates...
765 00:28:08 - Tatiana.- And Alice.
766 00:28:11 Hi!
767 00:28:13 - Oh, the bride. The gorgeous bride.- Ow! Hi.
768 00:28:16 This weekend is all about youbeing happy and not shattered.
769 00:28:19 - Oh. Thank you.- Yeah.
770 00:28:22 Check out your arms.You got some Michelle Obama arms.
771 00:28:25 How'd you get those gunson the plane, girl?
772 00:28:27 (ALL LAUGHING)
773 00:28:28 Eric...
774 00:28:29 you are two points hotterjust being next to this woman.
775 00:28:31 TATIANA: Try 10 points hotter.
776 00:28:33 - Try a million.- That's too many points.
777 00:28:35 - Wow, and Jeanie, nice snag.- Thank you.
778 00:28:37 TATIANA:You guys look great together, really.
779 00:28:39 I'm liking this. Huh? Maybe you twowill keep these two in check a little bit.
780 00:28:42 - (ALL LAUGHING)- I think we can.
781 00:28:44 I'll just keep him on a leash.
782 00:28:46 - Maybe don't hurt him.- (CHOKING)
783 00:28:48 I like these girls.
784 00:28:49 They're so fun.
785 00:28:50 Unlike my maid of honor.
786 00:28:53 She's having a time.
787 00:28:54 How is ol' Becky Grammerstein?
788 00:28:55 (SHUSHING) She's coming.
789 00:28:56 - Jeanie.- Hey.
790 00:28:58 I'm in crisis mode.
791 00:28:59 I ordered Prosecco for the Mani-pedis...
792 00:29:01 and all they have is champagne!
793 00:29:02 Aren't they the same thing?
794 00:29:04 - No. No, they're not. No.- No?
795 00:29:07 Hello, Michael.
796 00:29:09 Hi, Dave.
797 00:29:10 Look, I'm trying to make your dreamscome true, okay?
798 00:29:14 - Right.- What?
799 00:29:15 If this is bad news,I'm gonna eat your ass.
800 00:29:17 - Sorry.- Okay.
801 00:29:18 Purple. It better be purple.
802 00:29:20 I should probably go see to that.
803 00:29:22 - You'll come?- Yeah.
804 00:29:24 Thank you so much for being here.
805 00:29:25 Guys, good job with these two.
806 00:29:28 Mahala.
807 00:29:30 DAVE: Bye, Jeanie.
808 00:29:31 (WHISPERS) Jeanie likes the girls.
809 00:29:32 (SINGING) Jeanie likes the girls
810 00:29:34 Talk about Jeanie Jeanie likes the girls
811 00:29:35 Because it's a" aboutJeanie likes the girls
812 00:29:37 - Oil, yeah, Jeanie likes the girls- Come on!
813 00:29:39 - It's a" about Jeanie- Likes the girls
814 00:29:41 - it's all about Jeanie likes the girls!- Mike. Where are the girls?
815 00:29:44 - BURT: Oh, hello!- I'm Alice.
816 00:29:45 I just I wanna give you a hug.
817 00:29:47 It's so nice to meet you.
818 00:29:48 Fucking A. You distracted me, man.
819 00:29:50 This dress is lucky to be on you.Those pins!
820 00:29:52 - My Mike?- Yes.
821 00:29:53 - I can't... Wow.- He did.
822 00:29:54 That's fantastic.
823 00:29:56 Mike, Tatiana was just telling me...
824 00:29:58 that you saved her life.
825 00:30:00 I most certainly did, Father.
826 00:30:01 You see how great it isto have nice girls around?
827 00:30:04 - I mean, these are nice girls.- Aw!
828 00:30:05 Absolutely.
829 00:30:06 They are. And we brought them, so...
830 00:30:08 KEITH: Excuse me.
831 00:30:09 Excuse me.
832 00:30:10 See you in a minute. Honey, come on.
833 00:30:11 Can I get everybody's attention?Could we gather around?
834 00:30:13 - Oh, my God.- Oh, my God!
835 00:30:15 We're killing this shit! We're killing.
836 00:30:17 Mom and Dad like the girls!
837 00:30:18 Ow.
838 00:30:19 (SINGING) Mom and Dad like the girls
839 00:30:21 Hi, I'm Keith.I'm Eric's best man, his cousin...
840 00:30:26 and his best friend.
841 00:30:28 Welcome to the meet and greet!
842 00:30:29 (ALL CHEERING)
843 00:30:31 MIKE: Yeah!
844 00:30:32 Put your hands together...
845 00:30:33 for Eric and his lovely bride, Jeanie.
846 00:30:37 - Give it up!- (ALL CHEERING)
847 00:30:38 Jeanie!
848 00:30:40 Hey, everybody. A big thank youto my new family, the Stangles.
849 00:30:43 We love you, Eric!
850 00:30:45 Thank you.
851 00:30:46 And to my own family, I must say...
852 00:30:49 Portland, Oregon in the house!
853 00:30:51 (ERIC'S FAMILY WHOOPING)
854 00:30:52 I'm really happyto finally make you all my ohana...
855 00:30:55 - which means "family."- (APPLAUSE)
856 00:30:57 And as the Hawaiians say...
857 00:30:59 Kale maluna!
858 00:31:00 Which translates looselyinto "bottoms up." (LAUGHS)
859 00:31:03 But more closely translated,it actually means...
860 00:31:06 "your butts to the sky"...
861 00:31:09 which is inappropriate.
862 00:31:12 This is gonna be magic.
863 00:31:14 Thank you all again,so much, for being here.
864 00:31:17 We are so happyto have you at our wedding.
865 00:31:22 (ECHOING) Wedding. Wedding. Wedding.
866 00:31:26 - Put the mic on the stand.- The stand.
867 00:31:29 - Alice.- Where are you going?
868 00:31:31 Hi! What happened?
869 00:31:32 You sort of zoned out for a sec.What's up? You okay?
870 00:31:34 Yeah! We're at a wedding.Wedding. Wedding.
871 00:31:37 You just said "wedding" three times.
872 00:31:39 I'm fine. Yeah!
873 00:31:40 Let's just forget about the past,and move on.
874 00:31:42 To the bar!
875 00:31:44 To the bar?
876 00:31:46 Mmm. Mmm.
877 00:31:49 Ooh. I don't think these are shots.
878 00:31:51 I mean, we're drinking 'emlike they're shots...
879 00:31:53 but I don't think they'resupposed to be drunk like that.
880 00:31:55 Your face is funny.
881 00:31:57 (BOTH LAUGHING)
882 00:31:59 (WOMAN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
883 00:32:04 (LAUGHING)
884 00:32:14 Oh. Hey, Mike.
885 00:32:16 I was just talkingto my new friend, Tatiana.
886 00:32:17 Tatiana, this is my cousin, Mike.
887 00:32:19 She knows who I am. She's my date.
888 00:32:21 Why would someone this attractiveever be with you?
889 00:32:24 Are you gonna hit on my date all weekend,like bisexual Fonzie?
890 00:32:27 I don't think it's gonna take all weekend.Am I right?
891 00:32:29 So, you guys are cousins?
892 00:32:30 She's been jealous of mesince I was a little kid.
893 00:32:32 What could I possibly be jealous of?
894 00:32:34 Your outfit looks like Jimmy Buffet'sdust ruffle.
895 00:32:36 Do you guys always do this?
896 00:32:39 Okay, this is actuallya very fashion-forward outfit.
897 00:32:41 No, you look like the wallpaperfrom a Long John Silver's bathroom.
898 00:32:43 TATIANA: Cool.I'm gonna hit the buffet now...
899 00:32:45 while you guys dowhatever it is you're doing.
900 00:32:51 Okay?
901 00:32:52 Good idea.
902 00:32:54 Look at that.
903 00:32:56 Pink little ass just bouncing away,saying...
904 00:32:58 (SINGING) Terry, come get meTerry, come get me
905 00:33:01 No, it's saying...
906 00:33:02 (SINGING) Mike, crawl up in thisMike, crawl up in this
907 00:33:07 Whoa. What's up, double trouble?
908 00:33:09 Terry. Cousin of the bride.
909 00:33:10 Get at me later,we'll make a Terry sandwich.
910 00:33:11 Don't touch her. She has chlamydia.
911 00:33:13 - Everybody does.- No.
912 00:33:14 Not everyone does.
913 00:33:16 Saw you and Dave are doing yourspeech together at the rehearsal dinner.
914 00:33:19 Mmm-hmm.
915 00:33:20 I'm going to bring the house downwith my speech.
916 00:33:23 And why do you thinkyou're such a hotshot?
917 00:33:24 You know Chris Rock?
918 00:33:26 He's my neighbor.Practiced my speech on him.
919 00:33:29 And he gave me seven killer jokes.
920 00:33:32 Suck on that, cousin.
921 00:33:35 Terry out.
922 00:33:36 Chris Rock? Fuck! That sounds awesome.
923 00:33:42 - (TATIANA MOANING)- (ALICE CHUCKLING)
924 00:33:45 (TATIANA MUMBLING)
925 00:33:47 (BOTH MOANING)
926 00:33:51 Oh, my God. You were right.These cheeseburgers are amazing.
927 00:33:54 I know.
928 00:33:56 Being a good girl is hard.
929 00:33:58 I know. It sucks.
930 00:34:01 You were hitting that boozetoo hard for a nice girl.
931 00:34:04 You need to get Luke out of your head.
932 00:34:05 - Yeah.- You do.
933 00:34:07 And what better way to do that...
934 00:34:10 than good old-fashioned dick flicks.
935 00:34:13 - Yes.- ALICE: Oh, God.
936 00:34:17 Tatiana. Mike Stangle.
937 00:34:20 From the meet and greet.Well, from before that.
938 00:34:23 One second.
939 00:34:24 Fuck.
940 00:34:26 Hey. It's you.
941 00:34:29 It is me.
942 00:34:30 I was hoping maybe I could come inand we could watch a movie or...
943 00:34:37 (WHISPERS) Do whatever you wanna do.
944 00:34:39 Why are you whispering?
945 00:34:40 'Cause that's what we were doing before.
946 00:34:42 They've got Cockbusters.
947 00:34:43 Is that supposed to be like Ghostbusters?
948 00:34:45 Why would you wanna get rid of the cocks?
949 00:34:48 - What's that?- She's talking in her sleep.
950 00:34:50 She says the craziest stuff in her sleep.
951 00:34:52 It looks like his dick is gonna pop.It's so veiny and hard.
952 00:34:55 - Tatiana!- Something's hard?
953 00:34:56 Julio. My student.
954 00:34:57 I'm doinga Skype class session with him...
955 00:34:59 and he's having a really hard timein the schoolyard.
956 00:35:01 If you don't get in here,I'm gonna start masturbating!
957 00:35:03 Oh, phooey. I've gotta go.
958 00:35:04 That sounds like you guys are,watching porno, or...
959 00:35:06 - No.- ALICE: Tatiana!
960 00:35:07 Does it smell like weed in here?
961 00:35:08 - You guys smoking weed?- No. It was a skunk.
962 00:35:10 I've gotta go, because a bunch of kidsare waiting to hear...
963 00:35:13 if they've failed second grade or not.
964 00:35:15 Well, I am doingsome grading myself, and girl...
965 00:35:18 you are getting an A plus.
966 00:35:20 Thank you so much.
967 00:35:22 Mmm.
968 00:35:27 (KIDS PLAYING)
969 00:35:55 - WOMEN: And then win!- Skills. Def skills.
970 00:35:57 BURT: Cheers to Tatiana and Alice.
971 00:35:59 We're so glad you're here.
972 00:36:00 (ALL CHEERING)
973 00:36:01 MIKE: Yes. Cheers.
974 00:36:03 You guys, Alice and I foundthis really cool thing.
975 00:36:05 Jurassic Park ATV Tours!
976 00:36:08 You ride ATVswhere they shot Jurassic Park.
977 00:36:10 Actually, we are about to goswimming with the dolphins.
978 00:36:15 It's on the itinerary, so...
979 00:36:17 But, guys, Jurassic P!
980 00:36:19 I love this movie!
981 00:36:20 (GASPS) Oh, my gosh, on ATVs,this would be so sick.
982 00:36:23 "Welcome...
983 00:36:24 BOTH: "...to Jurassic Park."
984 00:36:27 "That is a big pile of shit."
985 00:36:29 "Oh, you're not so scary, little guy."
986 00:36:30 (ALL MIMICKING DINOSAURS)
987 00:36:37 What is going on here?
988 00:36:40 Oh! Oh!
989 00:36:41 I wish we could do that...
990 00:36:44 but we have a date with the dolphins...
991 00:36:46 at the bottom of the ocean, so...
992 00:36:48 Don't you think we should dowhat Jeanie wants to do?
993 00:36:50 I mean, it is her wedding after all.
994 00:36:52 Right, Mike?
995 00:37:23 I'm so happy we're here!
996 00:37:25 This is where the dinosran in the prairie!
997 00:37:27 I know, girl!
998 00:37:29 Check it out! I'm a brontosaurus!
999 00:37:31 I'm a T-Rex. I'm coming to get you!
1000 00:37:33 (WOMEN SHOUTING)
1001 00:37:35 Guys, butts on seats, okay?No hot dogging!
1002 00:37:37 (CHUCKLES)
1003 00:37:40 (ALL YELLING)
1004 00:37:43 ALICE: "They're flocking this way!"
1005 00:37:45 Here's a T-Rex!
1006 00:37:47 "Life finds a way."
1007 00:37:58 Jeanie! Eric!
1008 00:38:00 Hey!
1009 00:38:02 Hi! Sorry, I lost Eric.
1010 00:38:05 I wasn't lost.Just driving at a reasonable pace.
1011 00:38:09 Stay there. We'll come to you.
1012 00:38:10 All right, we better go around.This ledge looks super dangerous.
1013 00:38:13 Oh, yeah, Mike's right.It does look dangerous.
1014 00:38:16 It's a good thing my middle nameis "dangerous!"
1015 00:38:19 Yeah, it is!
1016 00:38:20 - ALICE: Whoo!- Whoa!
1017 00:38:23 (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
1018 00:38:26 - Oh, God!- What?
1019 00:38:30 Oh, my God, she's Superman!
1020 00:38:37 Oh, my God!
1021 00:38:38 A-Money!
1022 00:38:43 (GRUNTS) Oh!
1023 00:38:45 I still think we should go around.
1024 00:38:47 She just got some serious air, bro!
1025 00:38:49 (SCOFFS) You call that serious air?Check this fucking shit out.
1026 00:38:52 Whoa!
1027 00:38:53 Suck my clit, fuckers!
1028 00:38:55 Whoa!
1029 00:38:59 Whoa!
1030 00:39:00 Oh, not again.
1031 00:39:02 Yeah, baby!
1032 00:39:03 Easy does it. Nothing fancy.
1033 00:39:10 (SCREAMS)
1034 00:39:11 - Oh, my God. Look at what she's doing!- I see it!
1035 00:39:13 Sweet candied nuts.
1036 00:39:15 (TATIANA WHOOPING)
1037 00:39:19 Oh!
1038 00:39:20 Who are these girls?
1039 00:39:24 Whoa!
1040 00:39:25 Um... (CHUCKLES)
1041 00:39:27 Where did you guys learn to do that?
1042 00:39:30 - We lived in Baja.- Oh.
1043 00:39:32 Tore up a lot of trail down there.
1044 00:39:33 Made a lot of friends.
1045 00:39:35 Made even more enemies.
1046 00:39:37 God, I miss Baja.
1047 00:39:42 Your turn, Mike! Don't be a pussy!
1048 00:39:44 I'm not gonna do it.Name calling doesn't work on me, so...
1049 00:39:47 TATIANA: Mike, it'll turn me onif you take that jump.
1050 00:39:50 ERIC: Turn me on if you don't.
1051 00:39:52 Still not going to, still.
1052 00:39:54 I'm not gonna do it.
1053 00:39:56 Like we would ever do that.
1054 00:39:57 - No way.- (CHUCKLES)
1055 00:39:59 Come on! Do it.
1056 00:40:00 He's not gonna do it. Do it!
1057 00:40:01 Do not do it.
1058 00:40:03 No, definitely don't do that.
1059 00:40:05 It's a bad idea. It's a stupid, dumb idea.
1060 00:40:07 - And it's dangerous, and it's foolish.- Yes, it is.
1061 00:40:09 - I'm gonna do it!- (ENGINE REVVING)
1062 00:40:12 Mike!
1063 00:40:13 (SCREAMS)
1064 00:40:15 - Oh, shit!- Oh.
1065 00:40:17 Oh!
1066 00:40:18 I'm never gonna die!
1067 00:40:20 (SCREAMING)
1068 00:40:23 - Oh, shit.- He going fast.
1069 00:40:24 Oh, no. Keep it straight!
1070 00:40:30 Oh, he's shanking it.
1071 00:40:31 (SCREAMING)
1072 00:40:34 Whoo! Got it, got it!
1073 00:40:38 (GASPS)
1074 00:40:39 (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
1075 00:40:41 Oh, no, God!
1076 00:40:42 Jeanie, move!
1077 00:40:46 No!
1078 00:40:48 No!
1079 00:40:49 No!
1080 00:40:51 No!
1081 00:41:11 (GASPS)
1082 00:41:13 It's gonna be fine.
1083 00:41:16 Your face is making me thinkit's gonna be bad.
1084 00:41:18 I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.
1085 00:41:20 - You know?- JEANIE: No. Yeah.
1086 00:41:21 BECKY:Just show us what we're working with,
1087 00:41:23 and it'll be fine.
1088 00:41:24 - Okay.- Okay?
1089 00:41:25 - Is it okay?- (ALL GASP)
1090 00:41:27 - DAVE: Oh, my God!- Oh! God! Oh!
1091 00:41:28 Wow! Don't you look good?
1092 00:41:31 - (GROANS)- (SCREAMS)
1093 00:41:33 - Your face!- Shut up, Mike!
1094 00:41:35 You shut up, Becky!Have you seen her face?
1095 00:41:37 Oh, God! What?
1096 00:41:39 It looks like you were making meth,and the bathtub exploded.
1097 00:41:41 (SOBBING)
1098 00:41:42 You look like Burn Victim Barbie.
1099 00:41:44 Hush it up!
1100 00:41:45 And you're Black Ken.
1101 00:41:47 - Stop!- Okay.
1102 00:41:49 It's like an exaggerated smoky eye.
1103 00:41:51 Dave, be honest. Is it bad?
1104 00:41:54 This side, there's a little...
1105 00:41:56 - There's a little discoloration there.- Little discoloration.
1106 00:41:58 Which side is it?
1107 00:41:59 DAVE: You could do a dance the whole night
1108 00:42:01 where you just hold a hand over your face.
1109 00:42:02 - MIKE: Oh, that's smart.- Okay.
1110 00:42:03 It's like a new thing.
1111 00:42:05 (SINGING) Do the Jeanie, do the Jeanie
1112 00:42:07 Like this?
1113 00:42:09 - Come on, everybody! Do the Jeanie.- Do it.
1114 00:42:11 - I'm doing the Jeanie.- MIKE: Do the Jeanie, y'all.
1115 00:42:12 It's a one-two step.
1116 00:42:13 All right, that's enough.
1117 00:42:15 Enough dancing! You and you...
1118 00:42:17 outside, now!
1119 00:42:19 Honey, calm down.
1120 00:42:20 (SCREAMING)
1121 00:42:22 - Honey, calm down.- Sorry.
1122 00:42:23 Do you understand they've deformedour little girl...
1123 00:42:26 the day before her goddamn wedding?
1124 00:42:28 She looks like Seal, for Christ's sake!
1125 00:42:30 Oh! Why, Dad?
1126 00:42:32 Ow!
1127 00:42:34 Do you think he's gonna spank us?
1128 00:42:36 What?
1129 00:42:38 Never mind.
1130 00:42:39 I haven't seen him this pissedin a long time.
1131 00:42:41 OOP-
1132 00:42:42 Yeah. It's the other door.
1133 00:42:45 They meet in the middle.
1134 00:42:46 - They meet in the middle.- God damn it!
1135 00:42:50 DAVE: Dad, listen.I know what you're gonna say.
1136 00:42:52 - You're right.- We're gonna sue the ATV companies.
1137 00:42:54 - Right?- (SCOFFS) I see.
1138 00:42:56 Not what I was gonna say.
1139 00:42:57 Let's Erin Brockovich this bitch.
1140 00:42:58 Mike, stop!
1141 00:43:00 You've got to own this.This is your fault.
1142 00:43:02 It's not.
1143 00:43:04 If anything, it's the girls' fault.
1144 00:43:06 They're crazy.
1145 00:43:08 The girls aren't the problem!
1146 00:43:10 You are.
1147 00:43:12 What the hell did you thinkwas gonna happen, huh?
1148 00:43:14 What did you think was gonna happen?
1149 00:43:16 We had a plan.
1150 00:43:17 The plan was to swim with dolphins...
1151 00:43:20 and eat bananas afterwards.
1152 00:43:21 See, Dad, I'm not gonnapoint any fingers here...
1153 00:43:23 but indirectly...
1154 00:43:24 we wouldn't have been on ATVsif the girls hadn't forced us to.
1155 00:43:27 And who made us bring datesin the first place?
1156 00:43:31 - Not pointing fingers.- Yeah.
1157 00:43:32 All right. I'm gonna take backwhat I said to you earlier.
1158 00:43:34 I am going to lump you in together.
1159 00:43:37 All right, you are lumped!
1160 00:43:40 The hell is wrong with you, huh?
1161 00:43:43 What the hell is wrong with you?
1162 00:43:46 Dad.
1163 00:43:50 Fuck.
1164 00:43:54 Everyone get the fuck away from me.
1165 00:43:56 Move! Adult Swim!
1166 00:43:59 It's all fucked now.It's all fucked, you know? Poor Jeanie.
1167 00:44:03 Jeanie's special weekend, and I ruin it.
1168 00:44:04 Hey, hey, hey, Alice?That was not your fault, okay?
1169 00:44:08 That's two weddings that I've ruined.It's just like, "Stupid Alice!"
1170 00:44:11 Look, it's too bad thatJeanie's face got shredded...
1171 00:44:14 but this is supposed to be our vacay.
1172 00:44:16 Remember? We're supposedto be having fun...
1173 00:44:17 and going on adventures.
1174 00:44:19 Get in here with me.
1175 00:44:20 I'm gonna find her.I'm gonna make it up to her.
1176 00:44:21 No, no! You're not listening to me.Don't leave me!
1177 00:44:25 (SCOFFS)
1178 00:44:26 Ah!
1179 00:44:31 (SIGHS) Oh.
1180 00:44:32 Hmm?
1181 00:44:33 Thanks again for letting mejoin your spa day, ladies.
1182 00:44:36 It's not like you asked or anything,but you're here. Yay.
1183 00:44:40 What did you guys dofor your bachelorette party?
1184 00:44:42 Did it get crazy?Did you guys do that thing...
1185 00:44:44 where you go to Vegasand you dress up as a prostitute...
1186 00:44:47 and you go out and there's a contest...
1187 00:44:49 to see who can get the most moneyfrom a john...
1188 00:44:52 but then you tell him,"I'm an undercover cop"...
1189 00:44:53 and they, like, beg that you don't telltheir children and their wives...
1190 00:44:57 and they piss themselves,and you've got the whole thing on video.
1191 00:44:59 And then you put it on YouTubeand then there's the Auto-Tune remix.
1192 00:45:03 Did you do that thing?
1193 00:45:04 - No.- No.
1194 00:45:06 I didn't actually end up having one, so...
1195 00:45:10 Why? Every brideneeds a bachelorette party.
1196 00:45:12 I'm sorry Cabo didn't work out, Jeanie.
1197 00:45:15 I know. It's fine.
1198 00:45:16 You know I couldn't get the time off work.
1199 00:45:17 And it would have ruined it for you,down there without me.
1200 00:45:20 Is there some tension about this?
1201 00:45:21 So I just thought, "Let's cancelthe whole trip," if that makes sense.
1202 00:45:24 Jeanie, can you keep it down?On the phone with Tokyo.
1203 00:45:26 Did I bring up something uncomfortable?
1204 00:45:27 Also, I caught the shinglesbecause it was so stressful.
1205 00:45:29 (SPEAKING JAPANESE)
1206 00:45:31 'Cause it feels like I did.
1207 00:45:32 BECKY: Plus they have Mexican bed bugs.
1208 00:45:34 (SCREAMS)
1209 00:45:36 I need you guys to stop it!
1210 00:45:40 Oh, that fucking gaping mouth of yours,shut it!
1211 00:45:43 Shut it!
1212 00:45:44 I just want to relax!Is that too much to ask?
1213 00:45:48 Please! I just wanna relax.
1214 00:45:53 KEANU: How are you feeling, Jeanie?
1215 00:45:55 A little stressed out.
1216 00:45:56 - I'll give you a minute to disrobe.- Yeah, okay.
1217 00:45:59 Face down on the table.
1218 00:46:02 Hi, um, that is my best friend in there...
1219 00:46:06 and she's getting married tomorrow,and she's a little uptight.
1220 00:46:08 And I was wondering if you could, um,help her let loose a little bit?
1221 00:46:13 You know?
1222 00:46:14 Give her the "Hawaii Five Oh" experience?
1223 00:46:20 The wink-wink, nudge-nudge massage,you know?
1224 00:46:22 I can't really wink,but a wink-wink, nudge-nudge?
1225 00:46:26 - Are you okay?- Yeah.
1226 00:46:28 Looks like you had a bit of a fit.
1227 00:46:30 No, no. That's wink... That's wink-wink...
1228 00:46:34 I feel like I've gottenwhat you're trying to say.
1229 00:46:36 - Great.- But I figured it out.
1230 00:46:39 - You didn't really communicate it to me.- Okay, that's fair.
1231 00:46:41 Yes, you want the special"I am blissful" massage?
1232 00:46:45 - Yeah.- Yeah.
1233 00:46:48 Um...
1234 00:46:49 - How blissful is that?- Oh, don't worry.
1235 00:46:51 Physically, no penetration.
1236 00:46:53 Classy.
1237 00:46:54 Spiritually, I'll be doingan intimate tour of her chi.
1238 00:46:57 Oh, you're gonna be good in there.I can tell.
1239 00:46:59 (MOANING)
1240 00:47:00 How's the temperature in here, Jeanie?
1241 00:47:02 Oh, it's good. Good. Comfy.
1242 00:47:04 Good. Take down the light a little bit.
1243 00:47:08 So you're getting married, huh?
1244 00:47:10 I am. Yeah.
1245 00:47:11 I know it can be a stressful time.
1246 00:47:14 You know it's like, "Who is this for,me or my family?"
1247 00:47:18 Yeah. I've recently hadan injury to my face...
1248 00:47:21 which I'm a little stressed out about.
1249 00:47:24 Are you okay with oil?
1250 00:47:25 Yeah, sure.
1251 00:47:29 - (MOANS)- You know, in my country...
1252 00:47:30 they call oil "God's beautiful lubricant."
1253 00:47:35 It sounds better in my language.
1254 00:47:37 (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
1255 00:47:40 Oh, that's lovely.
1256 00:47:42 'kay.
1257 00:47:43 Some ground rules.
1258 00:47:45 One, no emotions.
1259 00:47:47 - Okay.- Two, breathe.
1260 00:47:50 Ahh... (GASPS)
1261 00:47:51 Three, there is no penetration,only vibration.
1262 00:47:54 (JEANIE MOANING)
1263 00:47:56 What is happening?
1264 00:47:59 I call this "The Bent Penguin."
1265 00:48:02 This one is just "The Ham and Eggs."
1266 00:48:04 This one is called "When Moons Collide."
1267 00:48:07 "Angry Hummingbird." "Angry Hummingbird."
1268 00:48:10 This one is called "House by the Airport."
1269 00:48:13 Just checking in. Everything good?
1270 00:48:15 Hope you're enjoying this.For me, it's just another Friday.
1271 00:48:18 (MOANING ECSTATICALLY)
1272 00:48:25 - (SIGHS DEEPLY)- "Happy Doll."
1273 00:48:28 This one is just called"Taking a Break." I am pooped.
1274 00:48:32 A little break. That's nice.
1275 00:48:35 (BOTH YELLING)
1276 00:48:36 Here we go again.
1277 00:48:38 (MOANING)
1278 00:48:40 Are you even touching me?
1279 00:48:41 No, but my aura is.
1280 00:48:44 Yes, it is!
1281 00:48:47 Sweet baby Jesus!
1282 00:48:55 (SIGHS)
1283 00:49:08 - How's it going?- (SCREAMS)
1284 00:49:10 Shit, I thought I was alone in here.
1285 00:49:12 Oh, yeah. You're not. I mean, we're alone.
1286 00:49:16 How's Mike? Still really jealous of me?
1287 00:49:19 It's like, yeah, okay,do I own a Tesla? Yes.
1288 00:49:23 Do I make a shit-ton of money,like, way more than Mike?
1289 00:49:26 Yes. But it's like, who cares?
1290 00:49:27 Do I get backstage tickets to Rihanna?
1291 00:49:30 Do I have a glass blowingstudio in my basement?
1292 00:49:32 Hold up, backstage tickets to Rihanna?
1293 00:49:34 Yeah, she likes to have me around.You know.
1294 00:49:36 - RiRi is Alice's jam.- Oh, RiRi, is it?
1295 00:49:39 - Yes.- That's funny.
1296 00:49:41 She would freak out if I got herbackstage tickets to Rihanna.
1297 00:49:43 Well, you could get her tickets.From me. I'm right here.
1298 00:49:47 Are you serious?
1299 00:49:48 Oh, God, steam rooms just open upyour pores, you know?
1300 00:49:52 They open up everything.
1301 00:49:57 Backstage at RiRi is very fun.Sometimes she plays the DJ.
1302 00:50:02 You know, just scratching records.You know like...
1303 00:50:04 (IMITATES RECORD SCRATCHING)
1304 00:50:09 Shit, man. That's...
1305 00:50:11 Are you saying you want me toget in there for the tickets?
1306 00:50:14 No. No, no, no. No.
1307 00:50:17 (WHISPERS) Yes.
1308 00:50:23 Tatiana?
1309 00:50:25 - Tatiana? Whoa.- (WOMAN SCREAMS)
1310 00:50:27 Sorry about that.Looking for my wedding date.
1311 00:50:31 Tatiana?
1312 00:50:32 JEANIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
1313 00:50:33 (EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)
1314 00:50:36 (MOANING RAPIDLY)
1315 00:50:37 Please leave, sir.
1316 00:50:38 What are you doing to my sister?
1317 00:50:40 - Mike, I'm coming.- No!
1318 00:50:42 (MOANING)
1319 00:50:45 (HUMMING)
1320 00:50:49 (MOANING ECSTATICALLY)
1321 00:50:53 Get out!
1322 00:50:54 (SCREAMS)
1323 00:50:58 TERRY: Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Oh, sure.
1324 00:51:02 So, are we, like, close, or...
1325 00:51:04 Let's put the washing machineon spin cycle. There we go.
1326 00:51:06 (SCREAMS)
1327 00:51:08 What the... Tatiana!
1328 00:51:09 Terry!
1329 00:51:11 Terry!
1330 00:51:12 - Tatiana!- Shut the fuck up, Mike.
1331 00:51:15 (BOTH YELLING)
1332 00:51:17 Whoa!
1333 00:51:18 MIKE: I'm gonna kick your ass.
1334 00:51:19 (BOTH GRUNTING)
1335 00:51:22 He is losing this fight!
1336 00:51:26 Oh, God! I can see your nipple!
1337 00:51:28 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
1338 00:51:32 Get your butt out of my face!
1339 00:51:33 (YELLS)
1340 00:51:35 (GROANING)
1341 00:51:38 Well, thank you so much.
1342 00:51:42 Um, I definitely needed this.
1343 00:51:44 I know.Bring this gift into your marriage.
1344 00:51:47 - All you need is load-bearing ribbons.- Okay.
1345 00:51:51 - And a reinforced ceiling.- Oh.
1346 00:51:54 I should warn you...
1347 00:51:55 you may experience someaftershock orgasms.
1348 00:51:59 Oh.
1349 00:52:01 So, I wouldn't operate any heavy machineryfor a couple weeks.
1350 00:52:04 That is not a euphemism for penis.I mean like...
1351 00:52:07 - tractors, cranes, big boats.- Okay.
1352 00:52:11 Good to know.
1353 00:52:13 - Oh, and please hydrate.- Okay.
1354 00:52:16 I cannot stress this enough.The consequences could be...
1355 00:52:21 You could develop cancer.
1356 00:52:24 You have a very good friend.
1357 00:52:31 Wait, you did that?
1358 00:52:34 Yeah, well, I felt so badabout your fucked up face...
1359 00:52:37 and I wanted to make it up to you.
1360 00:52:39 Aw! Thank you.
1361 00:52:40 Hey, who needs a bachelorette partywhen they have you around?
1362 00:52:43 (BOTH CHUCKLING)
1363 00:52:44 - He rubbed my butt.- Yeah?
1364 00:52:46 But with his butt.
1365 00:52:48 It was like... He was on ribbons.
1366 00:52:52 I don't know what you didwith Jeanie in the spa...
1367 00:52:54 but she's in a great mood.
1368 00:52:56 Yeah, no problem.She just needed a release.
1369 00:52:58 Oh, um, I had an idea for your graphic novel.
1370 00:53:01 I thought you could dolike a Rum character,
1371 00:53:03 who's like Rastafarian, and he's like...
1372 00:53:05 "I'm Rum Rum, get in my tum-tum,and I play the steel drum."
1373 00:53:09 (IMITATES STEEL DRUM)
1374 00:53:10 "You can rum, but you cannot hide, man."
1375 00:53:11 Yeah, that's awesome.Already, that's so amazing.
1376 00:53:14 No, that's such a good idea.How did I not figure that?
1377 00:53:18 I think when I get back,I'm gonna stop selling liquor with Mike...
1378 00:53:23 and start drawing full time.
1379 00:53:24 - Really?- Yeah.
1380 00:53:26 That's amazing.
1381 00:53:28 Do you know how few peopleknow what they really wanna do?
1382 00:53:30 But then I think aboutwhat Mike's gonna think about it all...
1383 00:53:32 and he's gonna hate that idea.
1384 00:53:34 He's so clingy.
1385 00:53:36 When we were kids,if I fell asleep before Mike...
1386 00:53:39 he would always wake me upso he wouldn't feel alone.
1387 00:53:41 - That's kinda sweet.- Yeah.
1388 00:53:43 I don't know. I just...
1389 00:53:49 Do you ever get that feeling...
1390 00:53:50 that you're not good enoughto get what you really want...
1391 00:53:54 so you're too scared to try?
1392 00:53:57 All the time.
1393 00:54:00 - Really?- Like, all the time. It's terrifying.
1394 00:54:02 - It is, it's terrifying.- Yeah.
1395 00:54:04 You're, like, stuck.
1396 00:54:06 - Totally.- Yeah.
1397 00:54:07 Thanks. It's nice talking to youabout this.
1398 00:54:22 Hey. Where you going?
1399 00:54:24 Is there a gang bang in the ballroomyou need to emcee?
1400 00:54:26 Don't be such a drama king.
1401 00:54:28 Yeah, I'm totally overreacting.
1402 00:54:30 When you invite someone to a wedding...
1403 00:54:31 they obviously are supposed tofinger diddle your family members.
1404 00:54:34 That's common courtesy!
1405 00:54:35 Okay, hold up. I am a grown-ass woman.
1406 00:54:37 I can finger diddle whomever I want.
1407 00:54:39 Just because you say "whomever"does not make it okay.
1408 00:54:42 It's not a big deal.It's just like texting someone.
1409 00:54:46 - Oh.- It's just like Tinder.
1410 00:54:48 Swipe right, swipe right, swipe left.Swipe left, swipe right.
1411 00:54:52 That's very graphic. That is...
1412 00:54:54 Rotating your photos.Expanding them, contracting them.
1413 00:54:58 Are you deliberately trying to hurt me?Is that what you're doing?
1414 00:55:00 What? No!I was just trying to get RiRi tickets...
1415 00:55:03 to make my best friend feel better, okay?
1416 00:55:05 We're on vacay.
1417 00:55:09 No...
1418 00:55:10 You are invited to my sister's wedding.You're supposed to smile, nod...
1419 00:55:14 and do what I want you to do.
1420 00:55:15 That's the deal.
1421 00:55:17 I thought that we had a connection.
1422 00:55:19 Like a spark.
1423 00:55:20 You thought you were gonna bring me hereso that you could have sex with me.
1424 00:55:23 Yes. No! What? Yeah, right.
1425 00:55:26 Really?
1426 00:55:29 Yes, obviously.
1427 00:55:31 You are so hot. And you smell good.
1428 00:55:33 It's not a weird thing that I wanna havesex with you...
1429 00:55:35 because you are very sexy...
1430 00:55:37 and you were leading me on,and we are in Hawaii...
1431 00:55:39 which is a sexy place,and people have sex here.
1432 00:55:41 God, dude,you built this all up in your head.
1433 00:55:44 Alice and I just saw you on TV...
1434 00:55:46 - wanted to go to Hawaii.- Hold up.
1435 00:55:49 Fuck.
1436 00:55:50 You saw us on TV?
1437 00:55:51 No, I don't even watch Wendy Williams.
1438 00:55:53 - (GASPING)- (GROWLING)
1439 00:55:58 What?
1440 00:56:00 - What?- Shh!
1441 00:56:02 I thought you dug me.
1442 00:56:04 Are you even a teacher?
1443 00:56:08 No.
1444 00:56:09 What about little Julio...
1445 00:56:10 the dyslexic boywho you taught how to read?
1446 00:56:12 Made it up. All of it.
1447 00:56:15 Although I did have sexwith this guy name Julio once...
1448 00:56:17 and I'm pretty sure he couldn't read.
1449 00:56:20 Here I thought you were Michelle Pfeifferfrom Dangerous Minds.
1450 00:56:23 Turns out, you're Michelle Pfeifferfrom Scarface.
1451 00:56:25 And you didn't even
1452 00:56:27 (IMITATES TONY MONTANA)say hello to my little friend.
1453 00:56:31 (SCOFFS)
1454 00:56:35 Oh, come on, man.
1455 00:56:38 Mike.
1456 00:56:51 (SIGHS)
1457 00:56:53 I'm really sorry. Um...
1458 00:56:56 I've been acting crazy.
1459 00:56:58 It's probably about Luke, my ex.
1460 00:57:01 Oh, yeah. The guy whodied in the plane crash...
1461 00:57:05 with cancer, and AIDS, and stuff.
1462 00:57:07 Yeah, that's the one.
1463 00:57:09 Except none of that stuff happened,'cause, um...
1464 00:57:15 I lied.
1465 00:57:17 You lied?
1466 00:57:20 I can't do this.
1467 00:57:21 Wait.
1468 00:57:22 Sorry.
1469 00:57:23 - That's okay. That's okay.- Sorry everyone.
1470 00:57:26 I just forgot my phone.Can I grab my phone?
1471 00:57:30 Sorry, I still don't want to get married.
1472 00:57:32 (GUESTS BOOING)
1473 00:57:35 - (CRYING)- DAVE: Oh, my gosh.
1474 00:57:36 That's almost as badas the plane crash story.
1475 00:57:40 Why didn't you just tell me?
1476 00:57:43 I didn't want you to thinkI was damaged goods.
1477 00:57:47 I would never think that.
1478 00:57:49 "Love hurts.
1479 00:57:52 "Love scars.
1480 00:57:53 "Love wounds, and mars."
1481 00:57:58 That's from a really old song,for old people.
1482 00:58:04 Why are you so nice?
1483 00:58:06 (SNIFFLES)
1484 00:58:08 'Cause I think you're nice.
1485 00:58:18 MIKE: David!
1486 00:58:20 David, I need you here with me now.Come on.
1487 00:58:22 No. No.
1488 00:58:24 Stangles, assemble. Now!
1489 00:58:27 - Let's go.- Is he okay?
1490 00:58:28 Yeah, I think he's fine.
1491 00:58:29 He's just got a lot on his mind.
1492 00:58:31 Let's go!
1493 00:58:32 Okay, I'm coming, dude. Jeez.
1494 00:58:33 (GRUNTS)
1495 00:58:36 Oh... I...
1496 00:58:37 You gave me a boost up. Okay.
1497 00:58:47 A line has been drawn, David.
1498 00:58:49 A clear line in the sand.
1499 00:58:51 Is that why you brought meall the way down here...
1500 00:58:53 so you could literallydraw a line in the sand?
1501 00:58:55 I'm a visual thinker, David.
1502 00:58:56 - God damn it!- Son of a...
1503 00:58:59 These girls, they've gotta go.
1504 00:59:02 They pretended to dig usjust to get a free trip to Hawaii.
1505 00:59:06 They're liars!
1506 00:59:08 So what, man? So they lied.
1507 00:59:10 I was talking to Alice.
1508 00:59:12 You have no ideawhat this girl's been through.
1509 00:59:14 She needed this trip.We might have saved her life.
1510 00:59:17 We should be practicing our speechfor tonight.
1511 00:59:20 Not babysitting the twinsfrom The Shining.
1512 00:59:22 (CHUCKLES)
1513 00:59:25 Oh, my God.
1514 00:59:27 Why are you laughing at me?
1515 00:59:28 You sound like mom and dadwhen they're talking about us.
1516 00:59:30 Well, no, fuck that noise.
1517 00:59:33 Oh. Oh. Oh.
1518 00:59:34 Guess what! You're gonna love this.
1519 00:59:36 Tatiana was jerking off our cousin Terry.
1520 00:59:40 - What?- Mmm-hmm.
1521 00:59:42 Cousin Terry has a dick?
1522 00:59:43 No, not "jerking off" jerking off.
1523 00:59:45 The female version of jerking.
1524 00:59:47 Dude, let's just chill out...
1525 00:59:49 focus on Jeanie,and try not to be assholes...
1526 00:59:51 for the rest of the weekend, okay?Can we do that?
1527 00:59:53 I can't do that, David.
1528 00:59:55 Because I saw our little sister...
1529 00:59:58 What?
1530 01:00:00 Well, let's just sayshe was making this face...
1531 01:00:03 (IMITATES JEANIE MOANING)
1532 01:00:04 What? She saw a ghost?
1533 01:00:06 (MOANS LOUDLY)
1534 01:00:08 She really had to pee?
1535 01:00:10 (MOANS RAPIDLY)
1536 01:00:11 Doing vocal warmups?
1537 01:00:13 What are you doing?It looks like you're having an orgasm.
1538 01:00:15 She was, David! With the masseuse.
1539 01:00:19 - What!- Yes!
1540 01:00:20 Oh, my God!
1541 01:00:21 - She orgasms like a star.- No!
1542 01:00:24 What's next?
1543 01:00:25 I'm gonna walk in on momgiving dad a Push Pop?
1544 01:00:30 What's a Push Pop?
1545 01:00:31 I made it up, Dave.It's a sexual term that I just made up.
1546 01:00:35 - What's a Push Pop?- I don't know.
1547 01:00:37 - What's a Push Pop?- I don't know!
1548 01:00:39 What's a Push Pop?
1549 01:00:41 I've been to the bowels of the Internet,and I've never seen a Push Pop.
1550 01:00:43 God, just tell me! What's a Push Pop?
1551 01:00:45 It's a whole hand up an ass, David.
1552 01:00:47 Is that what you want me to say?
1553 01:00:49 - Oh, God!- Two hands pushin' the pop.
1554 01:00:53 - Oh, God.- Is that what you want me to say?
1555 01:00:55 I'll send you some links.
1556 01:01:07 (HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)
1557 01:01:11 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1558 01:01:16 - We're at table two.- I'll be at the bar.
1559 01:01:18 - I said table two.- I'll be at the bar!
1560 01:01:20 You're out of control!
1561 01:01:22 Thank you.
1562 01:01:24 Trouble in paradise?
1563 01:01:28 (EXHALES FORCEFULLY)
1564 01:01:30 Freaking I don't care if I cause a scene.
1565 01:01:33 Freaking I will punch you 17,000 timesin the face. Freaking.
1566 01:01:37 Take a shot.
1567 01:01:38 You look like Don Johnsonfucked Zack Morris.
1568 01:01:42 Wait till Tatiana hears your shitty speechafter my crazy dope one.
1569 01:01:45 She's never gonnatouch your baby bird again.
1570 01:01:48 Thriller-Terry out!
1571 01:01:50 (GRUNTING)
1572 01:01:51 So sad!
1573 01:01:53 DAVE: Oh, my God.It's a movie about cameras
1574 01:01:54 just following you everywhere.
1575 01:01:56 - Like The Truman Show.- Yeah! Exactly like The Truman Show!
1576 01:01:58 Hey, Dave! Dave!
1577 01:02:00 Hey, what's up?
1578 01:02:02 I need you to come backstage right nowand practice the speech.
1579 01:02:04 Uh...
1580 01:02:06 Dude, I'm kind oftalking to Alice right now.
1581 01:02:08 Which is a conversationyou've now interrupted twice.
1582 01:02:10 Our speech needs to kill.
1583 01:02:11 Terry got a punch up from Chris Rock.
1584 01:02:13 I didn't want to tell you beforebecause I didn't want you to freak out.
1585 01:02:16 I'm not freaking out.
1586 01:02:17 Calm the fuck down, Dave!
1587 01:02:19 You calm the fuck down!
1588 01:02:20 Mike, you look likeyour face is gonna pop.
1589 01:02:22 You gonna come or what?
1590 01:02:24 Let's go.
1591 01:02:25 I'll see you backstage.
1592 01:02:27 (CHUCKLES)
1593 01:02:29 Uh...
1594 01:02:31 - I'm gonna go deal with this real quick.- Okay.
1595 01:02:33 I'll just talk to myself for a while.All alone.
1596 01:02:38 ALICE ON PHONE:...look on your stupid face!
1597 01:02:40 What's wrong with me?
1598 01:02:41 TATIANA: Don't fucking look at her.Turn around.
1599 01:02:43 Everybody get the fuck out of here.
1600 01:02:45 Fuck you, Luke.
1601 01:02:46 I'm just gonna havea little lie down, okay?
1602 01:02:49 (ALICE SOBBING ON PHONE)
1603 01:02:53 (CROWD APPLAUDING)
1604 01:03:01 Hi!
1605 01:03:02 - Hi!- Hi!
1606 01:03:04 Did you need totake a little breather, too?
1607 01:03:06 No. Why? Are you?
1608 01:03:07 (CLICKS TONGUE) Well...
1609 01:03:10 You know, you think thatevery moment is going to feel...
1610 01:03:13 warm and glowy...
1611 01:03:15 and absolutely magical.
1612 01:03:17 But, then, some stuff happens.
1613 01:03:21 - Sure does.- Yeah.
1614 01:03:23 (BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY)
1615 01:03:25 Well, if you wantwarm, glowy and magical...
1616 01:03:29 I have just the thing.
1617 01:03:31 I don't leave home without it.
1618 01:03:33 (GASPS)
1619 01:03:35 - Ecstasy.- Oh!
1620 01:03:36 Every bride deserves to have a little funthe night before her wedding!
1621 01:03:39 Yeah. I deserve to have a little fun.
1622 01:03:42 You are so nice to me.
1623 01:03:44 Aww.
1624 01:03:48 This is gonna be so much fun!
1625 01:03:49 (CHUCKLES)
1626 01:03:51 We should find something to suck on.
1627 01:03:52 What? Oh.
1628 01:03:53 - (GRUNTS)- Mike!
1629 01:03:54 Here. Put these on.
1630 01:03:56 - We need headsets?- Yeah!
1631 01:03:58 There's a lot of dancingin our speech, my man. Right?
1632 01:04:00 Gotta go hands free.
1633 01:04:01 This is how we do it, baby.
1634 01:04:03 Come on. Hey, check this out.
1635 01:04:05 I'm going to "wedding crash" cousin Terry.
1636 01:04:07 What?
1637 01:04:08 Put a few eye drops in her drink.
1638 01:04:09 That way she shits all night,and can't do the speech.
1639 01:04:11 Just like in the movie Wedding Crashers.
1640 01:04:13 Mike, that is a terrible idea.
1641 01:04:14 - You've seen the movie!- Of course I've seen the movie.
1642 01:04:17 - You love that movie.- Everyone loves that movie.
1643 01:04:19 How's it a bad idea if you love the movie?
1644 01:04:20 I love Taken.I don't want to go steal little girls.
1645 01:04:22 But we shouldn't wedding crashour own cousin.
1646 01:04:24 I'm worried about you, man.
1647 01:04:25 I'm really worriedthat you're losing your mind.
1648 01:04:27 The look in your eyes right now...
1649 01:04:29 You haven't blinkedsince we've started talking.
1650 01:04:31 Oh, Davie, Davie, Davie!
1651 01:04:33 What?
1652 01:04:34 I've never been in more controlin my entire life.
1653 01:04:39 - (LAUGHS)- Mike!
1654 01:04:41 - Whoo!- Ugh. Mike!
1655 01:04:43 This is really intense.
1656 01:04:45 (ECHOING) Yeah, it's hitting me really hard.
1657 01:04:47 This is good ecstasy.
1658 01:04:49 I don't know. I wouldn't know.It's my first time.
1659 01:04:51 - Wait, what?- What?
1660 01:04:53 Why would you take ecstasyfor the first time
1661 01:04:55 on the night before your wedding?
1662 01:04:57 What?
1663 01:04:58 That is so baller!
1664 01:05:00 Like a tiny blonde gangsta!
1665 01:05:02 This little gangsta would killfor a motherfucking ginger ale!
1666 01:05:04 (LAUGHS)
1667 01:05:05 - Do you wanna go?- Mmm-hmm.
1668 01:05:07 Okay, let's go.
1669 01:05:08 Hello, everyone. Please take your seats.
1670 01:05:10 Welcome to the rehearsal dinner...
1671 01:05:13 - for my man, Eric...- (APPLAUSE)
1672 01:05:15 and his bride-to-be, the lovely Jeanie.
1673 01:05:17 They're two of the sweetest, best peopleI ever met.
1674 01:05:20 All right. Our first speaker tonight...
1675 01:05:23 is resident nasty girl...
1676 01:05:24 Cousin Terry.
1677 01:05:26 (GUESTS CHEERING)
1678 01:05:27 We can't let Terry crush.
1679 01:05:29 It's not fair!
1680 01:05:30 No. Give it to me.
1681 01:05:31 My eyes are dry. Just give it to me.
1682 01:05:33 Do you guys know who Chris Rock is?
1683 01:05:35 He's my neighbor, and he helped me outwith a little something I like to call...
1684 01:05:39 "My speech."
1685 01:05:40 Stop. You're wasting it.You're wasting the poison.
1686 01:05:43 Mike, this is baby safe.
1687 01:05:44 They removed the active ingredient,Tetrahydrozoline, like 20 years ago!
1688 01:05:47 It worked on Wedding Crashers!
1689 01:05:48 That was not real life!
1690 01:05:50 Now let's talk about destination weddings!
1691 01:05:53 It's like a vacation...
1692 01:05:55 without the relaxation!
1693 01:05:57 (ALL LAUGHING)
1694 01:05:58 That's true.
1695 01:06:00 Why aren't you on my side, Dave?
1696 01:06:01 What?
1697 01:06:02 I'm done with this shit, man.I'm not doing our stupid speech.
1698 01:06:05 In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business.
1699 01:06:07 There it is!
1700 01:06:08 - Really?- Yeah.
1701 01:06:10 And what are you gonna do?
1702 01:06:11 I'm gonna draw!
1703 01:06:12 I'm gonna work on my graphic novel,and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent.
1704 01:06:15 Boom!
1705 01:06:17 You traitor!
1706 01:06:18 TERRY: I ain't gotta rehearse!
1707 01:06:19 I know how to eat dinner.
1708 01:06:21 (ALL LAUGHING)
1709 01:06:24 Keith, can you turn me up a little bit?
1710 01:06:26 MIKE ON SPEAKERS: You turn your backon me when everyone else does.
1711 01:06:30 Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward!
1712 01:06:33 Ooh, I don't think they know they're on.
1713 01:06:34 What? Where is that coming from?
1714 01:06:36 I don't know what I did!
1715 01:06:37 DAVE: It doesn't matter, Mike.
1716 01:06:39 You're losing your mind.
1717 01:06:40 You just tried to poison our cousin Terry!
1718 01:06:42 (ALL GASP)
1719 01:06:44 Try a little harder. Am I right?
1720 01:06:45 You're goddamn right I did.
1721 01:06:46 Because I wanted her to shithot brown poop all over that stage.
1722 01:06:50 That is unacceptable.
1723 01:06:51 The mics are on, boys.
1724 01:06:53 I wanted her butt to explodelike a rotten cantaloupe.
1725 01:06:56 The mics are on!
1726 01:06:58 You're just fucking pissed offbecause Tatiana finger diddled Terry.
1727 01:07:01 - (GASPS)- There it is!
1728 01:07:04 It was for tickets to Rihanna.
1729 01:07:06 You're sad, man. You are sad.
1730 01:07:08 I'm gonna kick your assjust like when we were kids.
1731 01:07:14 - (YELLS)- (GRUNTS)
1732 01:07:15 - ALL: Oh!- My God!
1733 01:07:19 - Do you wanna go?- Don't do it!
1734 01:07:20 These are coming your way.
1735 01:07:21 Just stop!
1736 01:07:23 (GROANS)
1737 01:07:24 God! That had to hurt.
1738 01:07:26 - Don't do it again.- (YELLS)
1739 01:07:27 ALL: Oh!
1740 01:07:28 (DAVE GRUNTING)
1741 01:07:30 (MIKE GROANING)
1742 01:07:31 MIKE: Why do you keep punching me?
1743 01:07:32 DAVE: Why do you keep rushing at me?
1744 01:07:34 Get him, Dave.
1745 01:07:35 Oops, who said that?
1746 01:07:36 This wedding is going to hell!
1747 01:07:38 Yes.
1748 01:07:39 MIKE: They're out there,smiling like fucking idiots.
1749 01:07:42 And they don't realize the bride...
1750 01:07:44 is getting off at massage parlors...
1751 01:07:46 like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran.
1752 01:07:48 (ALL GASP)
1753 01:07:50 I think they misunderstood what happened.I think they just misunderstood.
1754 01:07:52 MIKE: I walked in and saw little Jeanie...
1755 01:07:55 the bride-to-be, orgasming.
1756 01:07:57 The masseuse got her off.
1757 01:07:59 God damn it!
1758 01:08:00 Jeanie!
1759 01:08:02 I hate you!
1760 01:08:05 (ALL GASP)
1761 01:08:07 (BOTH GRUNTING)
1762 01:08:17 KEITH: The rehearsal dinner is over.
1763 01:08:20 Drinks by the pool, everybody.Drinks by the pool.
1764 01:08:23 (ALICE WHOOPING)
1765 01:08:24 (JEANIE LAUGHING)
1766 01:08:26 Everything feels so good, right?
1767 01:08:29 Yep.
1768 01:08:30 You know whatI've been thinking about a lot?
1769 01:08:32 Tell me.
1770 01:08:33 Eric is so sweet and sensitive.
1771 01:08:35 Kind, good, fiancé.
1772 01:08:37 Probably great husband and stuff, but...
1773 01:08:40 Do you think Eric is boring?
1774 01:08:42 Boring?
1775 01:08:43 Like for my honeymoon...
1776 01:08:44 all I wanted to dowas go on a hot air balloon...
1777 01:08:47 to different countries around the world.
1778 01:08:48 And just be surrounded by wicker.
1779 01:08:51 We could have wicker picnic baskets...
1780 01:08:52 and I could make picnic hatsout of wicker.
1781 01:08:55 We would be wearingmatching Chuck Taylors.
1782 01:08:57 - And he vetoed it.- Oh!
1783 01:08:59 Because he wants to go to a resort,and just...
1784 01:09:04 - ...perch.- What?
1785 01:09:06 I am a young woman...
1786 01:09:07 - Preach!- There is so much for me to see.
1787 01:09:09 - Yes.- I haven't even been to Burning Man.
1788 01:09:12 I don't even know what Amsterdam is like.
1789 01:09:15 I haven't been to Seattle.
1790 01:09:16 You've never been to Seattle?
1791 01:09:18 No!
1792 01:09:19 - Seattle's gonna change your fucking life!- Really?
1793 01:09:21 You need to get out of this cage!
1794 01:09:22 I am in a cage...
1795 01:09:24 just like these horses are caged.
1796 01:09:26 Just let them out.
1797 01:09:28 Huh?
1798 01:09:31 Let them all out.
1799 01:09:38 Be free! No one can hold you down!
1800 01:09:41 Be free, my friends! Follow your dreams!
1801 01:10:10 Here to pile on?
1802 01:10:11 Go ahead.
1803 01:10:12 Any insult you can think of...
1804 01:10:14 I've probably told myself a million times.
1805 01:10:15 Why were you trying to poison your cousin?
1806 01:10:19 I was jealous of the wholesteam room incident.
1807 01:10:25 That is some crazy shit.That's like something I would do.
1808 01:10:28 This one time in high school...
1809 01:10:29 this bitch tried to hit on my boyfriend...
1810 01:10:31 and I cut off her ponytailwhile she was sleeping...
1811 01:10:33 and I wore it to school for a month.
1812 01:10:34 What the fuck?
1813 01:10:35 But you tried to poison your cousin.
1814 01:10:50 Look. I'm sorry I've been so roughon you, okay?
1815 01:10:54 I honestly think it'sbecause you're so much like me.
1816 01:10:57 You act all confident...
1817 01:11:00 but, inside, you're scared of everything.
1818 01:11:03 You act like you don't carewhat people think...
1819 01:11:05 but you really care what people think.
1820 01:11:06 And you try to act so smart...
1821 01:11:08 but sometimes...
1822 01:11:09 you're just afraidyou're the dumbest person in the world.
1823 01:11:15 I'm so dumb.
1824 01:11:17 I'm constantly saying wordsthat I don't know the meaning of.
1825 01:11:21 Like, I use this word, "assuage"...
1826 01:11:24 all the time.
1827 01:11:26 Can you assuage me the ketchup?
1828 01:11:28 Can I assuage you a few questions?
1829 01:11:30 - Is that the meaning of it?- I don't know.
1830 01:11:33 But it's like, I'm so stupid...
1831 01:11:34 but I act all confident,so people listen to me.
1832 01:11:37 And it's fucked up.
1833 01:11:38 Me, too. I'm a natural born leader.
1834 01:11:40 Like George Washington.
1835 01:11:42 Yeah.
1836 01:11:43 Or another leader.
1837 01:11:52 All right, here's one.
1838 01:11:53 But I'm about to get super realwith you. Okay?
1839 01:11:57 I thought I was destinedfor such great things...
1840 01:12:01 but I may never achieve anything.
1841 01:12:07 Sister.
1842 01:12:09 Have you been reading my diary?
1843 01:12:20 Yes.
1844 01:12:22 Okay.
1845 01:12:36 ALICE: You are beautiful!
1846 01:12:37 JEANIE: On to Seattle!
1847 01:12:39 Alice?
1848 01:12:41 Am I glowing?
1849 01:12:42 I can see sounds and hear colors.
1850 01:12:44 - (MIMICS HORSE SNORTING)- Be free!
1851 01:12:46 What the fuck are the horses doing out?
1852 01:12:48 Who the fuck are you guys?
1853 01:12:50 Fucking gypsies!
1854 01:12:52 Francisco! Francisco, run!
1855 01:12:54 Whoa! Shit!
1856 01:12:59 Hey.
1857 01:13:00 Dave! Hi.
1858 01:13:03 What's up? What's up with you?
1859 01:13:05 - What's going on? Are you okay?- Me?
1860 01:13:07 Yeah. I'm fine.
1861 01:13:11 Oh. Yeah. Well...
1862 01:13:13 Yeah. See, what happened was that...
1863 01:13:15 there was a tsunami,and it took away our clothes...
1864 01:13:17 but it brought these horses.
1865 01:13:19 What?
1866 01:13:20 And then, we wanted to get nakedbecause of Lady Godiva...
1867 01:13:22 but then horses can't eat chocolate.
1868 01:13:24 They could have an aneurysm.
1869 01:13:26 Where's Jeanie?
1870 01:13:27 Hey, don't yell at herjust because she's the one...
1871 01:13:29 - that told me to go to Seattle.- Holy shit!
1872 01:13:30 - I've always wanted to go!- Oh, my God!
1873 01:13:32 That is not her fault.
1874 01:13:34 - Oh, my eyes!- What's the matter?
1875 01:13:36 Stop yelling. Why are you yelling?David, stop yelling.
1876 01:13:37 You're being loud. And this a happy time.
1877 01:13:39 This a really good time.
1878 01:13:41 There's nothing wrong. So who's at fault?
1879 01:13:42 Did you know that Hitler's parentswere second cousins?
1880 01:13:44 - Do you have any water?- Put your clothes on!
1881 01:13:46 I'm a woman, Dave. Deal with it.
1882 01:13:48 (GROANS)
1883 01:13:50 Because this is the bushthat you came out of.
1884 01:13:53 I didn't come from that bush.
1885 01:13:55 I came from Mom's bush. And you know that.
1886 01:13:57 Jeanie! Oh, my God!
1887 01:13:59 You're completely naked!
1888 01:14:00 - Hi, Becky!- God, your bush is huge.
1889 01:14:03 - You look tall.- No, ma'am.
1890 01:14:05 I told you to stay awayfrom these bitches.
1891 01:14:07 Alice, seriously, are you tripping?
1892 01:14:10 No. God, no.
1893 01:14:11 Why would say that?Just because everything feels really soft?
1894 01:14:13 Please. Just tell me the truth.
1895 01:14:15 Are you on drugs?
1896 01:14:17 We're super fucked up. Yeah.
1897 01:14:18 What?
1898 01:14:19 We started with ecstasy,but then I went into my mystery bags.
1899 01:14:22 Why the fuck would you do that?
1900 01:14:24 Don't you judge me, David.
1901 01:14:25 I don't think you're supposed togo into the mystery bag...
1902 01:14:27 the night before the wedding.
1903 01:14:28 We brought you herebecause we thought you were nice girls.
1904 01:14:30 But Mike was right about you two.
1905 01:14:32 This whole wedding weekendis just going to shit!
1906 01:14:35 Dave, I'll be honest with you.
1907 01:14:37 I need some clothes.
1908 01:14:39 I can't continue to wear this horse.
1909 01:14:40 Oh, my God.
1910 01:14:43 Oh, the wind feels so nice.
1911 01:14:44 Come on, come on, come on.
1912 01:14:47 (GASPS) We should go in the ocean.
1913 01:14:49 I'm so thirsty! Dave,we should get in the ocean.
1914 01:14:51 (SHUSHING) Please, please, please,just be quiet.
1915 01:14:54 I love this song.
1916 01:14:56 There's no music playing.
1917 01:14:58 JEANIE: Baby, wait.
1918 01:15:00 Don't worry. Only our butts touched.
1919 01:15:02 Stop it. Don't freak out anymore, Pumpkin!
1920 01:15:04 Don't freak out? Don't freak out?
1921 01:15:06 Tell me one thing.
1922 01:15:08 Did you enjoy it?
1923 01:15:09 No.
1924 01:15:12 That is such a "yes" no.
1925 01:15:13 No.
1926 01:15:15 I'm gonna ask you again. Did you enjoy it?
1927 01:15:17 Yes! Oh.
1928 01:15:18 Well...
1929 01:15:19 Cat's out of the frigging bag, isn't it?
1930 01:15:21 JEANIE: I went for a normal massage...
1931 01:15:23 but Alice, she had askedfor a little special treat.
1932 01:15:25 And then it just kept coming,and coming, and coming, and...
1933 01:15:27 Who are these fucking girlsyour brothers brought to this wedding?
1934 01:15:30 You are clearly on drugs.
1935 01:15:33 And we're getting married tomorrow!
1936 01:15:35 I'm scared, Pumpkin.
1937 01:15:37 Aren't you scared?
1938 01:15:38 Well, yeah, now I am.
1939 01:15:41 JEANIE: It's just that...
1940 01:15:43 I'm just a little worried that you are...
1941 01:15:49 boring.
1942 01:15:51 What are you saying?
1943 01:15:53 You don't want to marry me?
1944 01:15:55 (CRYING)
1945 01:15:57 (BOTH GASP)
1946 01:16:05 Well...
1947 01:16:06 No, she doesn't mean that.She's just confused...
1948 01:16:08 because she's just rollingsuper hard right now.
1949 01:16:09 You rolled her!
1950 01:16:11 - You're the roller!- I'm so sorry.
1951 01:16:13 I was gonna draw Rum for you.But not anymore.
1952 01:16:16 (IN JAMAICAN ACCENT)Everything is not irie, man!
1953 01:16:20 You've made me so, so sad.
1954 01:16:25 But a little bit mad.
1955 01:16:27 But mostly just sad.
1956 01:16:30 Oh!
1957 01:16:33 - Dad!- Don't!
1958 01:16:34 Mike, for once in your life...
1959 01:16:36 please don't say a fucking word.
1960 01:17:03 I hate them sometimes.
1961 01:17:05 Fucking love them and they're dicks.
1962 01:17:06 Sometimes I love them,sometimes I hate them.
1963 01:17:16 Everything okay over there?
1964 01:17:17 I can't find my other sock.It's pissing me off.
1965 01:17:23 Did you take my sock, bro?
1966 01:17:25 No.
1967 01:17:26 I think you took my fucking sock, bro.
1968 01:17:30 God damn it.
1969 01:17:31 I can't believe Jeanie and Ericaren't getting married...
1970 01:17:34 and it's all our fault.
1971 01:17:36 It's slightly our fault.
1972 01:17:40 It's totally our fault. Fuck.
1973 01:17:42 We got selfish. We got distracted.
1974 01:17:46 I don't think we were#DoingltForJeanie at all.
1975 01:17:49 We weren't #DoingltForJeanie.
1976 01:17:51 Our fucking little sister.Our little Jeanie Beanie Weanie.
1977 01:17:54 She is Stanglita.
1978 01:17:57 The one little girlwe used to let into our Stang Hangs.
1979 01:17:59 The Stangle Dangle.
1980 01:18:01 The smallest plane in the Stangar.
1981 01:18:02 Don't do it, dude.
1982 01:18:04 We're supposed to be her protector.
1983 01:18:05 Don't you cry.
1984 01:18:07 We're supposed to look out for her.
1985 01:18:08 Stop it.
1986 01:18:09 We're supposed to be the two dudesthat have her back no matter what.
1987 01:18:12 If you start, I'm gonna start.
1988 01:18:14 We broke up her marriage.
1989 01:18:19 Of course I'm fucking doing it, man.We ruined Jeanie's wedding.
1990 01:18:22 I'm doing it, too.
1991 01:18:24 - (BOTH CRYING)- I hate it.
1992 01:18:26 (BAWLING)
1993 01:18:38 Oh, man, we fucked up this wedding.
1994 01:18:41 Yeah.
1995 01:18:42 We fucked it in the dick.
1996 01:18:44 (GROANS)
1997 01:18:45 You know I don't like it when you say that.That's just...
1998 01:18:47 I know, but we fucked it so hard. Fuck.
1999 01:18:50 I think the reason we get ourselvesinto so much shit is...
2000 01:18:53 we're always telling each otherwe're so awesome...
2001 01:18:56 when we're definitely not being awesome.
2002 01:18:59 That's deep.
2003 01:19:00 Yeah, you know what? Um...
2004 01:19:04 I wanted you to feel better...
2005 01:19:06 and get your groove back...
2006 01:19:08 but not all the way better to where...
2007 01:19:13 you wouldn't need me anymore.
2008 01:19:15 Because if you don't need me...
2009 01:19:19 then nobody needs me, and, um...
2010 01:19:22 Anyway, that's what I was thinkingwhen I was knuckles deep into Cousin Terry.
2011 01:19:26 Dude, we're always gonna need each other.
2012 01:19:29 Okay.
2013 01:19:30 Okay, here's the thing.I don't wanna stop being us.
2014 01:19:34 But I think occasionally...
2015 01:19:37 we should think abouthow we make other people feel.
2016 01:19:43 Like Jeanie?
2017 01:19:44 Yeah, like Jeanie.
2018 01:19:46 - Oof.- Or like Eric.
2019 01:19:48 Oh, fuck.
2020 01:19:49 This feels fucking terrible.
2021 01:19:51 This does not feel good.
2022 01:19:54 Like, Dave's so special and...
2023 01:19:57 He must be so mad at me.
2024 01:20:00 Poor Mike.
2025 01:20:01 He's less special,but I played him so hard.
2026 01:20:05 They must be so mad at us!
2027 01:20:06 They must hate us. Fuck! I would hate us.
2028 01:20:08 I would fucking hate us!
2029 01:20:10 I hate us, man. I hate us!
2030 01:20:13 I hate us, too!
2031 01:20:14 But you're the best, dude. I love you.
2032 01:20:16 Don't lump yourself in with me.
2033 01:20:19 I'm like a little troll...
2034 01:20:20 who lives on nothing butriver water and squirrel meats.
2035 01:20:23 Your drawing?I could never do anything like that.
2036 01:20:26 - So go. You go right now.- What?
2037 01:20:28 Go!
2038 01:20:29 Don't let your loser older brotherhold you back.
2039 01:20:36 You are not a loser.
2040 01:20:38 Thanks, Dave.
2041 01:20:40 Dude, you introduced meto the Ninja Turtles.
2042 01:20:42 Taught me Donatello was a pussy.
2043 01:20:44 That Raphael was actually dope...
2044 01:20:46 because he didn't give a fuckwhat people thought.
2045 01:20:48 He's cool, but rude.
2046 01:20:49 Exactly.
2047 01:20:50 When all those kids kicked at meand they called me "Moist"...
2048 01:20:53 you stopped eating muffinsat the school lunch for a year.
2049 01:20:56 They were too moist.
2050 01:20:59 Made you an easy target.
2051 01:21:01 You're my brother. And I love you.
2052 01:21:04 Heroes in a half shell.
2053 01:21:06 Turtle power.
2054 01:21:10 (YELLS)
2055 01:21:12 We're not going anywhere...
2056 01:21:15 until our little sister,Jeanie Beanie Weanie...
2057 01:21:18 is getting married.
2058 01:21:21 (YELLS)
2059 01:21:23 (GASPS)
2060 01:21:26 You just killed the TV.
2061 01:21:28 I was aiming for it.
2062 01:21:32 MIKE: We are such idiots. We are so stupid.
2063 01:21:35 We ruined your whole wedding...
2064 01:21:36 and we finally just realized that.
2065 01:21:38 All right. Please just stop talking, okay?
2066 01:21:40 Not another word. My head hurts so bad.
2067 01:21:44 Jeanie, Eric.
2068 01:21:45 We can't let you not get marriedjust because we fucked everything up.
2069 01:21:48 DAVE: We love you so much, Jeanie.
2070 01:21:49 We love you, Eric.We just want you guys to love each other.
2071 01:21:51 - Just love each other.- That's it.
2072 01:21:52 - (DOOR OPENS)- (GASPS)
2073 01:21:54 Jeanie, Eric.
2074 01:21:56 We can't let you not get married.
2075 01:21:58 ALICE: Yeah. Just becausewe fucked everything up?
2076 01:21:59 I mean, we want you guysto love each other.
2077 01:22:01 Love each other.
2078 01:22:03 Okay. This is bizarre,because we literally did that...
2079 01:22:06 BOTH: ...exact same thing.
2080 01:22:08 We're even doing this hand motion.
2081 01:22:09 Yeah, all that was ours.
2082 01:22:11 The point is, this shit is all our fault.
2083 01:22:13 No, it's our fault.
2084 01:22:15 No, it's definitely our fault.
2085 01:22:17 It is our fault for sure.
2086 01:22:18 No, no, no. For real.
2087 01:22:19 If anything, it's my fault.
2088 01:22:21 (ALL ARGUING)
2089 01:22:22 Shh! Please stop.
2090 01:22:26 Everyone shut the fuck up!
2091 01:22:31 Jesus Hussein Christ.
2092 01:22:33 God damn it!
2093 01:22:35 Been trying to read this same paragraph...
2094 01:22:38 for 20 minutes.
2095 01:22:39 But you four fucking moronskeep on fucking with my shit.
2096 01:22:45 We've only been here for three minutes...
2097 01:22:46 so those other 17 minutes...
2098 01:22:48 - that's kind of on you...- Mike!
2099 01:22:49 I'm using hyperbole.
2100 01:22:50 I don't know what that means,and I think you know that I don't.
2101 01:22:53 Mike, do me a favor. Shut the fuck up.
2102 01:22:55 Go Eric.
2103 01:22:56 Shut up too!
2104 01:22:57 I mean, God damn it!
2105 01:22:59 You're all self-absorbed,barely-functioning...
2106 01:23:02 codependent weirdos!
2107 01:23:05 - Yeah.- I know.
2108 01:23:06 - MIKE: That's pretty spot-on.- ALICE: We just figured that out.
2109 01:23:09 - Those are not good qualities.- We're gonna work on it.
2110 01:23:11 - It's been a long time.- It's been so many years.
2111 01:23:13 We're both very confused.
2112 01:23:15 ALICE: No, no. You're not confused.
2113 01:23:17 You're just coming down off MDMA.
2114 01:23:20 Sorry. Which I gave you.
2115 01:23:21 And Eric, you can't blame herfor anything she said last night.
2116 01:23:24 I've done so much stupid shit on E.
2117 01:23:27 I got so dehydrated thatI was drinking puddle water...
2118 01:23:30 and I had to go to the hospital...
2119 01:23:31 'cause puddles are really dirty.
2120 01:23:34 DAVE: One time I was on peyote...
2121 01:23:35 and I signed up for a T-Mobile plan.
2122 01:23:38 TATIANA: One time I got high.
2123 01:23:40 I read the back of a shampoo bottlefor 13 hours.
2124 01:23:43 Because it said "repeat."
2125 01:23:44 - Rinse and repeat.- I get it.
2126 01:23:46 Jeanie, I know you thinkthat Eric can be boring...
2127 01:23:49 Enough of this talk of boring!
2128 01:23:52 Damn it!
2129 01:23:54 Sixty percent of my investmentsare in some pretty aggressive stocks.
2130 01:23:58 I don't always look both wayswhen I cross the street.
2131 01:24:01 I've been known to havea second glass of wine...
2132 01:24:04 with my dinner, every now and then.
2133 01:24:06 I once went to see a movie...
2134 01:24:08 walked across the hallway,saw a second movie.
2135 01:24:11 Didn't pay till after.
2136 01:24:12 Is that boring?
2137 01:24:14 Is that boring?
2138 01:24:15 - What'd you say?- Yeah.
2139 01:24:16 - You're right. We were wrong.- That was pretty boring.
2140 01:24:18 Well, how about this for boring?
2141 01:24:21 - Bam!- (GASPS)
2142 01:24:23 Two hot air balloon ticketsfor our honeymoon.
2143 01:24:25 (EXCLAIMS)
2144 01:24:26 I know you really wanted to go...
2145 01:24:27 so I got these tickets a while agoto surprise you.
2146 01:24:30 Surprise.
2147 01:24:32 ALL: Aww!
2148 01:24:35 Baby, you're so afraid of heights.
2149 01:24:37 - Baby, I'm fucking terrified of heights.- Yeah.
2150 01:24:40 But my biggest fear...
2151 01:24:42 is to not be the husband that you deserve.
2152 01:24:45 JEANIE: Baby, I'm sorryI fucked so much of this up...
2153 01:24:49 but I promise that masseuse...
2154 01:24:50 He didn't touch my lavender juice box.
2155 01:24:52 Oh, God, baby. I love you.
2156 01:24:55 And I know I want to marry you.
2157 01:24:57 Today, if you'll still have me.
2158 01:25:00 Babe, of course. Are you kidding me?
2159 01:25:06 Kiss her.
2160 01:25:07 Baby, I'm crazy about you.
2161 01:25:21 BOTH: Aww!
2162 01:25:23 I want to marry you right now...
2163 01:25:25 but, baby, we already canceledall the vendors.
2164 01:25:27 I don't think they're going tolet us get married here.
2165 01:25:31 Leave that to us.
2166 01:25:32 (I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE PLAYING)
2167 01:25:33 Leave that to all of us.
2168 01:25:36 - Yeah!- Let's go, Mike.
2169 01:25:38 This way! Oh, fuck!
2170 01:25:40 We'll actually just head around.
2171 01:25:42 - Girl.- I'm good.
2172 01:25:43 So what part you like, brah?
2173 01:25:45 - We need the whole pig.- I can't give you a whole pig.
2174 01:25:47 But we need to feed 100 people.
2175 01:25:49 Could we please, pleasehave the wedding here?
2176 01:25:52 For the last time, we're out of venues.
2177 01:25:54 - Hold me back. Hold me back, please.- What?
2178 01:25:57 Give us a place!
2179 01:25:58 Everybody out of the way!
2180 01:26:00 It's hot. So hot!
2181 01:26:02 - Out of the fucking way!- I want my pig back!
2182 01:26:04 What if I supplied all the liquor...
2183 01:26:06 for every bar in this hotel...
2184 01:26:08 at wholesale pricesfor the next three years?
2185 01:26:10 - Deal.- Yes! Fuck yes!
2186 01:26:13 I'll get you guys a venue.
2187 01:26:16 (GRUNTS)
2188 01:26:22 Ahh!
2189 01:26:25 (BECKY GRUNTING)
2190 01:26:28 BECKY: Keith, get it together.
2191 01:26:29 We need to move, move, move.
2192 01:26:31 I'm doing my best.
2193 01:26:35 Hell yeah!
2194 01:26:39 (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
2195 01:26:54 DAVE: And now... a reading...
2196 01:26:58 from the children's bookthat I got in the lobby.
2197 01:27:00 - Oh.- "Aloha moon.
2198 01:27:02 "Aloha sea.
2199 01:27:04 "Aloha you.
2200 01:27:06 "Aloha me."
2201 01:27:07 - I do.- I do.
2202 01:27:09 MIKE: By the power vested in me...
2203 01:27:11 by the website www.beyourowndeacon.com...
2204 01:27:15 I now pronounce you husband and wife.
2205 01:27:19 Those assholes kind of did it.
2206 01:27:20 (LAUGHS) Yeah.
2207 01:27:22 Those assholes kind of did.
2208 01:27:24 You may kiss the bride.
2209 01:27:25 MIKE: Okay. Kiss the bride.
2210 01:27:27 Kiss the bride.
2211 01:27:28 (ALL CHEERING)
2212 01:27:31 Uh-huh.
2213 01:27:33 (LAUGHS)
2214 01:27:34 (LAUGHING)
2215 01:27:35 Yeah!
2216 01:27:39 (PLAYING HAWAIIAN MUSIC)
2217 01:27:49 - MIKE: You designed this?- TATIANA: Yeah.
2218 01:27:50 Insane. We're at a wedding,it's in the shape of a heart.
2219 01:27:53 That was a really good idea.
2220 01:27:55 I have so many good ideas.
2221 01:27:56 At my last job, I was on fire with ideas.
2222 01:27:59 Huh? Actually, I need a new partner...
2223 01:28:02 because Dave is bailing on meto draw things.
2224 01:28:05 Would you wanna...
2225 01:28:07 maybe come work for me?
2226 01:28:09 Really?
2227 01:28:10 What do you know about liquor?
2228 01:28:12 Um, only that it's delicious and I love it.
2229 01:28:15 And those arethe two things you need to know.
2230 01:28:17 You are hired. (LAUGHS)
2231 01:28:18 Great. When do I start?
2232 01:28:20 You can start right away...
2233 01:28:22 but just know that there will besome late nights.
2234 01:28:24 Keep it in your pants, okay?
2235 01:28:27 If we're going to work together,let's just...
2236 01:28:28 keep it professional.
2237 01:28:31 Okay.
2238 01:28:32 - We'll keep it professional, then.- Good.
2239 01:28:34 - All right.- Good.
2240 01:28:35 - Okay.- Okay.
2241 01:28:36 - Okay.- Yeah.
2242 01:28:37 - Are you sure?- I don't know.
2243 01:28:40 What?
2244 01:28:43 - What'd you say?- What?
2245 01:28:45 (SINGING) Love me tender
2246 01:28:48 Love me sweet
2247 01:28:52 Never let me go
2248 01:28:57 You have made my life complete
2249 01:29:05 I don't.
2250 01:29:10 Love me tender
2251 01:29:12 Love me true
2252 01:29:16 All my dreams fulfilled
2253 01:29:22 (LAUGHING)
2254 01:29:23 For my darlin' I love you
2255 01:29:26 Tatiana said this was gonna happen.
2256 01:29:28 You got my groove back.
2257 01:29:30 Really?
2258 01:29:31 That's the sweetest thinganyone's ever said to me.
2259 01:29:33 (LAUGHS)
2260 01:29:38 (SIGHS)
2261 01:29:39 I like you.
2262 01:29:42 (DAVE MOANING)
2263 01:29:48 Wait. There's people everywhere.
2264 01:29:49 - Let them watch.- Mmm. Okay.
2265 01:29:54 Whoa!
2266 01:29:55 Hi, everyone.
2267 01:29:57 Excuse us. Could we haveyour attention, please?
2268 01:30:01 My husband and I...
2269 01:30:03 want to thankfour very incredible people...
2270 01:30:07 for saving the day.
2271 01:30:09 Mike and Dave have askedto say a few words...
2272 01:30:12 so we would like to invite them up.
2273 01:30:14 Come on, boys.
2274 01:30:17 Thank you, Jeanie.
2275 01:30:19 We never got to give our speechat the rehearsal dinner.
2276 01:30:22 Because we ruined it. With fights.
2277 01:30:25 But we just wantedeverybody here to know...
2278 01:30:27 exactly how we feel about you.
2279 01:30:29 MIKE: Lights.
2280 01:30:33 (WHISPERING) You gotta getbigger and bigger.
2281 01:30:35 Did you know this was coming?
2282 01:30:36 (SHUSHING)
2283 01:30:38 (YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL PLAYING)
2284 01:30:47 You are so beautiful
2285 01:30:52 So beautiful
2286 01:30:55 Aww.
2287 01:30:58 To me
2288 01:30:59 BOTH: Aww.
2289 01:31:01 Can't you see?
2290 01:31:03 You're so beautiful
2291 01:31:05 This is real beautiful, man.
2292 01:31:07 You're everything I hoped for
2293 01:31:12 - In a little sister!- Oh!
2294 01:31:14 You're everything I need
2295 01:31:18 Everything that I need
2296 01:31:22 They're kind of good. (CHUCKLES)
2297 01:31:23 You are so beautiful
2298 01:31:26 As a couple. Right guys?
2299 01:31:28 BOTH: Oh!
2300 01:31:29 To me
2301 01:31:32 And to you.
2302 01:31:34 And to you. To all of us.
2303 01:31:35 You're beautiful, Jeanie!
2304 01:31:38 BOTH: Oh!
2305 01:31:40 (CRYING)
2306 01:31:41 - Dave, everybody.- (APPLAUSE)
2307 01:31:43 He's gonna draw!
2308 01:31:45 Love you!
2309 01:31:47 So sweet.
2310 01:31:49 Thought they were gonna blow it.They did not.
2311 01:31:51 That's good.
2312 01:31:52 (SINGING) This is how we do it
2313 01:31:57 This is how we do it
2314 01:32:01 This is how we do it
2315 01:32:04 This is how we do it
2316 01:32:06 It's Friday night
2317 01:32:07 - (GRUNTS)- Oh, you don't throw...
2318 01:32:08 And I feel all right
2319 01:32:10 The party's here on the west side
2320 01:32:13 So I reach for my forty and I turn it up
2321 01:32:15 Designated driver got the keys to my truck
2322 01:32:18 - Hit the shore 'cause I'm faded- Faded
2323 01:32:20 Honey on the streets saying
2324 01:32:21 Monty, yo, we made it
2325 01:32:22 I'm kinda buzzed and it's all because
2326 01:32:24 This is how we do it
2327 01:32:26 South Central does it like nobody does
2328 01:32:29 This is how we do it
2329 01:32:31 (LAUGHS) All right.
2330 01:32:32 To all my neighbors, you got much flavorThis is how we do it
2331 01:32:36 # StangleBenoit2016.
2332 01:32:40 MAN: Hell yeah!
2333 01:32:43 DAVE: Oh, God!
2334 01:32:45 Well...
2335 01:32:46 (PANTING)
2336 01:32:47 I picked a bad pose, guys.
2337 01:32:49 Fireworks!
2338 01:32:51 These are for you, Jeanie!
2339 01:32:54 - (ALL GASPING)- Fireworks close the show!
2340 01:32:58 Those are from China, those fireworks.
2341 01:33:01 (ALL SCREAMING)
2342 01:33:15 You idiots! You fucking...
2343 01:33:24 (WHINNYING)
2344 01:33:26 (MIKE AND TATIANA MOANING)
2345 01:33:30 This is cool.
2346 01:33:31 I didn't know you could do it this way.
2347 01:33:33 - (MOANS LOUDLY)- Oh...
2348 01:33:37 I'm done.
2349 01:33:38 Fuck. Holy shit.
2350 01:33:40 Okay.
2351 01:33:41 That was great. Good job.
2352 01:33:46 (HORSE WHINNYING)
2353 01:33:53 Whoa!
2354 01:33:55 (CREW LAUGHING)
2355 01:33:57 I'm so behind right nowon Game of Thrones.
2356 01:33:59 I don't even know what's happeningwith Khaleesi and her Dothraki boyfriend.
2357 01:34:02 Okay. Well he's dead, and so is Jon Snow.
2358 01:34:05 Jon Snow?
2359 01:34:06 Fuck that dude.I'm taller than him anyways.
2360 01:34:08 - Saw him.- (LAUGHING)
2361 01:34:11 I just found out some spelunkerwent dunkin' in your bunker.
2362 01:34:14 (ALL LAUGHING)
2363 01:34:16 You are fresh as a fucking dickin the morning.
2364 01:34:19 That's not that fresh.
2365 01:34:21 Have you ever sucked a dickin the morning? (LAUGHS)
2366 01:34:23 I brush my teeth with dick, girl.
2367 01:34:26 - Alright...- What?
2368 01:34:28 Oh. Fox don't like that joke?
2369 01:34:30 (ALL LAUGHING)
2370 01:34:32 I'm gonna throw up. You look like meat!
2371 01:34:34 Inner dialogue, inner dialogue.
2372 01:34:36 I once got lockjaw so bad
2373 01:34:37 that I was sucking a homeless man's thumb.
2374 01:34:39 Dave actually had tocome get me from the hospital...
2375 01:34:40 because they found 13 Pokemon pugsand a skimmer...
2376 01:34:44 shoved up my butthole.
2377 01:34:46 I just had to wait to poop them out.
2378 01:34:49 Pikachu.
2379 01:34:51 Pikachu.
2380 01:34:53 Charmander.
2381 01:34:55 That's okay. No, no. Keep your dick in.
2382 01:34:58 (CREW LAUGHING)
2383 01:35:00 For most of my life,I thought goat cheese...
2384 01:35:03 was a slang termfor cheese that's gone bad.
2385 01:35:06 I'd see moldy cheese and I'd be, like,"Dude, that cheese is goat."
2386 01:35:09 Like, "Get that goat cheeseoff the counter."
2387 01:35:11 You look like a deconstructed taco.
2388 01:35:14 Like carnival food.
2389 01:35:15 Like the waffle that the chef would just go,"We're throwing that away."
2390 01:35:18 What are we doing?
2391 01:35:20 (ALL LAUGHING)
2392 01:35:23 (MIKE BAWLING)
2393 01:35:42 And the home
2394 01:35:47 Of the
2395 01:35:52 Brave
2396 01:35:57 Play ball, Mike.
2397 01:36:00 (BOTH LAUGHING)
2398 01:36:03 (STANG LIFE PLAYING)
2399 01:36:05 MIKE: (RAPPING) You know we saw my nigga
2400 01:36:07 DAVE: Mike and me foreverIt's the Stang life, bitch
2401 01:36:09 Stang life, getting richSelling fucking liquor quick
2402 01:36:12 Mike and me foreverIt's the Stang life, bitch
2403 01:36:14 Stang lifeI will never die I'm a Stangle, bitch
2404 01:36:18 Hunchback of Notre D on the B
2405 01:36:20 Flying fucking girlsto my sister's wedding at the beach
2406 01:36:23 Now we in first class seatsCouldn't hold me back, G
2407 01:36:28 Jeanie Stangie being wildSippin' Cristal, sippin', sippin' Cristal
2408 01:36:32 Sippin', sippin' Cristal
2409 01:36:33 Jeanie, Jeanie, Jeanie Beanie Weanie
2410 01:36:35 Gettin' married with EricGuaranteed he's got a big, big weenie
2411 01:36:38 I'm proud of my little sisterProud that she got a wedding ring
2412 01:36:42 And a necklace, Eric you're my brother nowSo that means I'm kinda black
2413 01:36:45 Oh, wait. Not really. I'm white, man.
2414 01:36:47 I'm just happy to berelated to you, honestly.
2415 01:36:49 - Shout out to Eric.- Eric!
2416 01:36:50 I be like Superman, let me out the cage
2417 01:36:52 I got out of my castand I flipped the page
2418 01:36:55 And now I'm drawing comic bookslike I used to do
2419 01:36:57 Kinda cool,Little sister Jeanie getting married too
2420 01:37:01 Mike and Dave foreverIt's the Stang life, bitch
2421 01:37:03 Stang life, getting rich,selling fucking liquor quick
2422 01:37:06 Mike, Mike and Dave foreverIt's the Stang life, bitch
2423 01:37:08 Stan g lifeI will never die, I'm a Stangle, bitch
2424 01:37:11 Yeah, we put the wedding back together
2425 01:37:13 First we broke it up but we made it better
2426 01:37:17 Nobody makes fun of me in any way
2427 01:37:19 'Cause I got Mike by my side,and you know what he say
2428 01:37:22 Scoliosis, now I'm fucking yo bitch
2429 01:37:25 Scoliosis, now I'm fuckin' two chicks
2430 01:37:28 Scoliosis, vroom vroom vroom
2431 01:37:30 Comin' through the jungle at you like boom
2432 01:37:32 Mike and Dave Stangle on the ATV
2433 01:37:35 - MIKE: We're gonna die- DAVE: It's my girls and me
2434 01:37:38 My crew and us, we just cruisin'
2435 01:37:40 Doin' fuckin' backflipsoff jumps guaranteed
2436 01:37:43 Ran over my sister's face
2437 01:37:45 - DAVE: It was kinda wack- MIKE: My bad
2438 01:37:46 DAVE: But you know what?We came back from that
2439 01:37:48 You're getting married now and it's okay
2440 01:37:50 You're soiurassic, you're so fantastic
2441 01:37:53 Mike and Dave foreverIt's the Stang life, bitch
2442 01:37:55 Stan g life, getting rich,selling fucking liquor quick
2443 01:37:58 Mike, Mike and Dave foreverIt's the Stang life, bitch
2444 01:38:01 Stang life, I will never die
2445 01:38:02 I'm a Stangle, bitch
2446 01:38:04 MIKE: My boy Dave, puttin' pen to paper
2447 01:38:07 Trying to get this damn label off
2448 01:38:10 Like Aftermath?
2449 01:38:12 Vanilla Ice remodeled my house
2450 01:38:14 Told Dave and I we should start rappin'
2451 01:38:17 My brother's the best white rapper(BLEEP) Eminem!
