大病 (The Big Sick)(EN)Subtitles
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1 00:01:04 Keep it going for the next performer,
2 00:01:06 my man, Mr. kumail nanjiani.
3 00:01:12 Hello.
4 00:01:14 Um, I'll tell you about myself.
5 00:01:17 I grew up in Pakistan.
6 00:01:19 And people are always asking me, what was that like?
7 00:01:24 Really not that different from here.
8 00:01:26 I mean, we played cricket,
9 00:01:28 which is just a spicier version of baseball.
10 00:01:31 And we prayed a lot.
11 00:01:33 -Well, not a lot. Just five times a day. -
12 00:01:36 and we marry someone our parents find for us,
13 00:01:39 arranged marriage, you know?
14 00:01:41 But for me, it was probably that we got
15 00:01:42 episodes of knight rider a little bit later.
16 00:01:45 And by "little bit later,"I mean we just got episode two.
17 00:01:49 --But other than that, it was exactly the same.
18 00:02:26 So, these are my real journals,honestly.
19 00:02:30 And this is the womanwho wrote them.
20 00:02:32 - Poor gal.
21 00:02:34 Yeah. She-she hasno idea that, like,
22 00:02:36 giant tittiesare about to sprout
23 00:02:38 and change her lifedramatically.
24 00:02:41 So, uh, thank you guys...
25 00:02:42 There's no bad crowds, dude,only bad comedians.
26 00:02:45 You complain aboutthe crowd, like, all the time.
27 00:02:46 Yeah, like, that's whenthey're really bad.
28 00:02:48 That's like 90% of the timethey're really bad?
29 00:02:50 Look, will you just watch
30 00:02:51 and give me notes tonight,all right?
31 00:02:53 If we both give each othernotes, I think it helps.
32 00:02:54 Your notes are just,add more fucks into the bit.
33 00:02:56 -That doesn't help anybody.-Hey, fuck, fuck's a funny word.
34 00:02:58 It's soft on the topand it's hard on the end.
35 00:02:59 That was truly horrible.
36 00:03:00 -That was so bad.-What happened?
37 00:03:01 -Just watch. -I'll watch.I'll give you notes.
38 00:03:01 -All right. Thank you.-Hey, that was great.
39 00:03:05 No, he didn'teven crack a smile.
40 00:03:06 - I thought I was gonna puke.Oh. -Who?
41 00:03:08 Bob dalavan.
42 00:03:10 Who's Bob dalavan?
43 00:03:11 Bob dalavan works forthe Montreal comedy festival,
44 00:03:14 you fucking doof.
45 00:03:16 -He's here? -Cj: Yes. Don't youwant to get noticed?
46 00:03:18 -Don't you want to move to L.A.?-Oh, my god.
47 00:03:19 Hang outwith Elijah wood and shit?
48 00:03:22 Nobody's on stage?
49 00:03:23 No.
50 00:03:26 He might've been doing cocaine.
51 00:03:27 Was he doing cocainerecreationally?
52 00:03:29 True cokehead.
53 00:03:30 -Cokehead.-I wonder if he was.
54 00:03:33 Now, before I bring outthe next guy,
55 00:03:35 you guys know tonightis jell-o shot Tuesday!
56 00:03:41 And we all know what happensafter eight jell-o shots.
57 00:03:43 We urinate all overourselves and... puke.
58 00:03:46 --Okay, so I'm gonnabring up the next comic.
59 00:03:48 -Confidence. Poise.-You know this man...
60 00:03:50 -Give it up for Mr. Chris Jones!-Smile.
61 00:03:54 -Chris!-He's like if a serial killer
62 00:03:56 fucked an inspirational speaker.
63 00:03:58 He's like Daniel day-Lewis,except he sucks.
64 00:04:00 I've tried his warm-up.
65 00:04:02 - It does not work for me.- So unsettling.
66 00:04:04 Just boughta laser printer.
67 00:04:06 Printed out, like,six lasers so far.
68 00:04:08 - Maybe.- Hey, dodd.
69 00:04:10 Uh, dalavan'sin the crowd tonight.
70 00:04:11 -Can I do ten?-No, five minutes.
71 00:04:13 You put out chairs,you do five minutes.
72 00:04:13 -You know the deal.-Come on, man.
73 00:04:16 I'll double it up next time.Come on.
74 00:04:17 What are you gonna do in there?
75 00:04:19 -I'm making up nextweek's schedule. -Okay, cool.
76 00:04:21 I was in bed with my girlfriend
77 00:04:23 and I was trying to mansplainto her that, you know,
78 00:04:26 we-we are on one little rockorbiting one star in a galaxy
79 00:04:32 of a billion stars in a universefull of a billion galaxies.
80 00:04:37 You know, so I forgotyour birthday.
81 00:04:39 - Who gives a shit?
82 00:04:41 Like, you are cosmicallyoverreacting to this.
83 00:04:44 Honestly, you are beingsuper selfish.
84 00:04:46 --You're right,but you're selfish.
85 00:04:52 Hey.
86 00:04:54 Have you guys heard of thisdrug cocktail called cheese?
87 00:04:57 Uh, I saw these news reports,so I looked up what cheese is,
88 00:04:59 and cheese is a mixture.
89 00:05:01 Cheese is Tylenol pm and heroin.
90 00:05:07 So, really, it's heroin.
91 00:05:10 Heroin's doingthe heavy lifting.
92 00:05:13 Just do the heroin.It's very powerful.
93 00:05:16 --You already have heroin.
94 00:05:19 Is Pakistan in the house?
95 00:05:23 Really?You're not from Pakistan.
96 00:05:26 I would've noticed you.
97 00:05:29 Are you kidding me?-Mm.
98 00:05:31 He just gave you Montreal?
99 00:05:33 Like, you don't have to showcase
100 00:05:34 - or audition or anything.- No.
101 00:05:35 It was too easy, almost.
102 00:05:37 Like, I wanted to struggle.I wanted, I wanted a story
103 00:05:39 to be able to tell on talkshows, and instead, like...
104 00:05:41 You guys don't knowhow tough it is not to struggle.
105 00:05:44 It's-it's a strugglesucceeding effortlessly.
106 00:05:47 Did he say anything about me?
107 00:05:49 Sure.
108 00:05:51 -What about me?-He, they, both of you.
109 00:05:53 He said, "those guys performed."
110 00:05:57 I truly hate you,actually.
111 00:05:58 We all hate you.
112 00:06:01 -Hi.-Hi.
113 00:06:03 -Hello.-Um, my name's kumail.
114 00:06:05 Yeah, we know.
115 00:06:06 Yeah, we saw you perform.
116 00:06:08 Now that the nicetiesare out of the way, um,
117 00:06:10 I have to tell youthat when you yelled at me,
118 00:06:13 it really threw me off,
119 00:06:14 and, uh, you really shouldn'theckle comedians.
120 00:06:17 It's so rude.
121 00:06:18 I didn't heckle you.
122 00:06:20 I just whoo-hoo'd you.
123 00:06:22 It's supportive.
124 00:06:23 -Okay, that's a commonmisconception. -Uh-huh.
125 00:06:25 But yelling anything at acomedian is considered heckling.
126 00:06:28 Heckling doesn't haveto be negative.
127 00:06:31 So, if I, if I yelled out, like,"you're amazing in bed!"
128 00:06:34 --That'd be a heckle?
129 00:06:36 -Yeah. It would bean accurate heckle. -Cool.
130 00:06:39 --Whoa. Bye.
131 00:06:41 Oh.-Don't go.
132 00:06:43 No, you can...-I'm going.
133 00:06:44 - You scared my friend off now.
134 00:06:46 What's your name?
135 00:06:48 Emily.
136 00:06:50 Emily. Here. I wantto show you something, Emily.
137 00:06:57 This is your name in urdu.
138 00:07:01 Oh.
139 00:07:05 Does this move work?
140 00:07:07 I've had some minor successwith it.
141 00:07:09 Bullshit.
142 00:07:11 So, you just came toa comedy show with your friends?
143 00:07:15 Yeah. We're all grad studentsat the university of Chicago.
144 00:07:18 What are you studyingat grad school?
145 00:07:21 I study psychology.I'm going to be a therapist.
146 00:07:24 Oh, so you're gonna siton a couch, and, like,
147 00:07:25 ask people, like,"how does that make you feel?"
148 00:07:27 I mean, eventually, yeah.
149 00:07:29 Right now I'm justdoing fieldwork
150 00:07:31 with this group of guys who areconvicted of domestic violence.
151 00:07:34 -Jesus. Oh, wow.-Cheers to that.
152 00:07:35 No, don't cheers to that.
153 00:07:37 To you being a therapist.
154 00:07:39 Great.To me getting my master's.
155 00:07:41 We'll start there and thenwe'll go to the rest of it.
156 00:07:48 So, my roommate, Chris,is probably on the couch.
157 00:07:50 He's gonna want to tryand start a conversation.
158 00:07:52 So, do not engage.
159 00:07:54 Okay.
160 00:07:56 Let's go.
161 00:07:59 - Hey, pal.- Hey.
162 00:08:01 Hi.
163 00:08:09 Good for him. Good for him.
164 00:08:16 Do you want to watch a movie?
165 00:08:18 -Sure.-Okay.
166 00:08:21 Should I just, like,put my stuff down or...
167 00:08:24 Yeah, I would say it's safe.You know what?
168 00:08:25 That area's... go for that area.
169 00:08:28 I cleaned that earlierthis year, so...
170 00:08:31 Should I take my shoes offor is this a shoes-on bed?
171 00:08:35 No, it's a shoes-off bed.
172 00:08:36 -I have... I have strict rules.-Cool. Cool.
173 00:08:39 -Oh, wow.-Ooh.
174 00:08:41 - That is totally, uh,an inflated mattress. -
175 00:08:46 yeah. Well, did you think
176 00:08:47 it was gonna be a flat,inflatable mattress?
177 00:08:48 I did think it might be
178 00:08:50 an actual mattress,but you know.
179 00:08:53 Well, air mattressesare actual mattresses.
180 00:08:55 --You're being bigoted...
181 00:08:57 -Okay.-...Towards air-based...
182 00:08:59 -Uh-huh. Towards air-air-basedmattresses? -...Comfort items.
183 00:09:02 Night of the living dead?
184 00:09:04 Sure, I haven'tever seen that movie.
185 00:09:06 Okay, so, basically,the dead start rising.
186 00:09:10 -Mm-hmm.-And the good guys, um...
187 00:09:23 - Text Lauren.
188 00:09:25 You up, girl?
189 00:09:28 No, fuck, no.
190 00:09:30 What do you wantto say to Warren?
191 00:09:32 - She...
192 00:09:35 What do youwant to say to...
193 00:09:36 You up, period. Send.
194 00:09:41 That may be beyondmy abilities at the moment.
195 00:09:42 Fuck. No.
196 00:09:51 What are these scars?
197 00:09:55 Oh, they're, uh,smallpox vaccination.
198 00:09:59 I thought only old peoplehad those.
199 00:10:01 Well, I'm from Pakistan,
200 00:10:02 and we're still fightingsome battles
201 00:10:04 - you guys have already won.
202 00:10:05 What were you likein high school?
203 00:10:08 Were you, like, super funny?
204 00:10:09 - And were you really smart?
205 00:10:11 Were you...
206 00:10:12 I was very shy.
207 00:10:14 They called me chashmullee.
208 00:10:16 What is that?
209 00:10:18 It roughly translatesto "dweeb."
210 00:10:21 I'll show you a picture.
211 00:10:23 Of you in high school?
212 00:10:24 Oh, my god.
213 00:10:25 -Boom.-No.
214 00:10:27 And I'm thinkingI'm killing it right now.
215 00:10:30 What inspired this haircut?
216 00:10:31 Hugh Grant.
217 00:10:32 -No.-Yeah.
218 00:10:34 -Oh, no.-Big fan.
219 00:10:36 And you're so serious, too.
220 00:10:37 Okay. I read in an interviewwith Hugh Grant
221 00:10:39 -he said he doesn't smile.-No. That's not real.
222 00:10:42 'Cause it makes his facelook fat, so I didn't...
223 00:10:44 I didn't smile in pictures
224 00:10:45 - for many years.
225 00:10:47 What were you likein high school?
226 00:10:49 Um...
227 00:10:50 Were you, like, voted, like...
228 00:10:52 -Most sexy?-No.
229 00:10:54 I was voted most noticeable.
230 00:10:57 That's good.
231 00:10:59 No, it's really not good.
232 00:11:00 I, uh, had acne andi was a goth, and...
233 00:11:04 I had this terrible perm.
234 00:11:07 Um, yeah, the kidscalled me beetlejuice.
235 00:11:10 I don't know why.
236 00:11:11 Actually, I do know why.
237 00:11:13 It's because they thoughti looked like beetlejuice.
238 00:11:17 I think I'm donewith this subject.
239 00:11:19 In fact,i think I'm gonna go home.
240 00:11:20 Wait, wait.
241 00:11:22 We haven't evenhad sex again yet.
242 00:11:23 Yeah, I'm just notthat kind of girl.
243 00:11:25 I only have sex onceon the first date.
244 00:11:26 -Wow.-Plus a hand job.
245 00:11:28 Okay, well,i haven't had that, so...
246 00:11:30 You don't get thatbecause you made fun of me.
247 00:11:33 What is happening?What are you doing?
248 00:11:35 I'm changing under this blanket.
249 00:11:36 I've seen everything.
250 00:11:37 Do you remember?We were just having sex.
251 00:11:39 --Yeah, but we were,like, in the throes of passion
252 00:11:42 then, and...
253 00:11:44 Listen, I hada really nice time.
254 00:11:46 Thank you very much.
255 00:11:48 I'm just gonna, like,call an uber, go home,
256 00:11:51 and I hope...
257 00:11:55 - Just...
258 00:11:57 Your driver will be ready assoon as he puts on his pants.
259 00:12:01 Were you available for rideswhile we were fucking?
260 00:12:04 Yeah, but I only lookeda couple times.
261 00:12:08 So, maybe I'll, uh, runinto you at the club sometime
262 00:12:12 and we can grab a drink?
263 00:12:15 Um, I'm not...
264 00:12:18 I know this sounds like a line,but I'm not really, like,
265 00:12:21 I'm not really dating right now.
266 00:12:23 I just... I've got a lotof school and work and...
267 00:12:27 -Yeah, yeah, yeah.-There's just a lot on my plate.
268 00:12:29 Yeah, no, I get it. Totally.
269 00:12:31 That's perfect 'cause I'm not...Dating right now, either.
270 00:12:35 -Okay.-Yeah.
271 00:12:37 And I actually havea pretty strict two-day rule
272 00:12:40 where I can't see someonemore than two days in a row.
273 00:12:44 So, since we hung outfor two days,
274 00:12:47 even if I were to see you again,which I won't 'cause
275 00:12:49 you're not dating,I'm not dating,
276 00:12:51 I wouldn't be ableto see you till Monday.
277 00:12:53 We haven't hung outfor two days.
278 00:12:54 We've hung outfor about five hours.
279 00:12:56 -Yeah, but... -Just to,like, be totally clear.
280 00:12:58 Yesterday and today'cause it's after midnight.
281 00:13:01 So, today is actually tomorrow,earlier tonight was yesterday,
282 00:13:05 so two days.
283 00:13:06 You see,i don't date time nerds,
284 00:13:08 so that really takes youoff the table.
285 00:13:11 That works out
286 00:13:12 'cause i-i ama hard-core time nerd.
287 00:13:15 -Yeah, I can tell.-I'm, like, very strict
288 00:13:17 about a.M./p.M. Stuff and...
289 00:13:19 So, wait, so just to establish,what did we decide?
290 00:13:24 We decided we aren't evergonna see each other again.
291 00:13:27 Great.
292 00:13:28 I'm glad we're on the same page.
293 00:13:38 Look at my jeans, kumi.
294 00:13:39 They're fromcitizens of humanity.
295 00:13:42 -That's the brand's name.-Oh.
296 00:13:43 They're so soft. Touch them.
297 00:13:44 I don't wantto touch your jeans.
298 00:13:44 Come on, touch them.-I'll touch them, abbu.
299 00:13:44 They're like sweatpants,you know.
300 00:13:48 You should be stylishlike your father, you know.
301 00:13:50 It's not very difficult.Just observe me.
302 00:13:52 - Get some daddy style.- Yeah.
303 00:13:54 Kumi, why don't yougrow a beard?
304 00:13:56 -Not like naveed's, just a smallone. Not like his. -Azmat: Yeah.
305 00:13:58 Maybe like mine,small, cool and stylish.
306 00:14:01 Kumi, I've been thinking.
307 00:14:01 You know, why you don'tenroll for lsat now?
308 00:14:04 Yeah, sorry, ma,i haven't done it yet.
309 00:14:07 I like that you bring it up
310 00:14:09 as if you've neverbrought it up before.
311 00:14:10 How's the stand-up coming, bhai?
312 00:14:16 It's going fine. Thank you.
313 00:14:17 Yeah, since whenare you someone to stand up?
314 00:14:19 You know who I thinkshould stand up is malala.
315 00:14:21 -She has something to say.-Malala, yeah.
316 00:14:23 -Ooh, I love malala. -She hassomething to say. -Malala.
317 00:14:24 -Malala.-She's... -Yes.
318 00:14:27 I know. She does open micsand she crushes.
319 00:14:29 A lot of ethnic material,which I think is a crutch,
320 00:14:30 and that one story getsa lot of play, but...
321 00:14:34 -You should be on that show Saturday night live. -Snl.
322 00:14:36 That's a great idea.I should e-mail them.
323 00:14:38 I don't know whyi hadn't thought of that.
324 00:14:39 You know, you know, i-i hacked
325 00:14:40 into your cousin rehan'sFacebook account.
326 00:14:42 - You hacked into it?- Oh.
327 00:14:43 Yeah, they were not acceptingmy friends request,
328 00:14:45 - so I had to hack into it,-okay.
329 00:14:46 And I discovered that heand that white woman
330 00:14:48 that he's living withare having a baby.
331 00:14:51 -They're married.-Yeah, whatever.
332 00:14:53 And then I hacked into tumblrand I discovered that
333 00:14:55 they have named the baby da-v�.
334 00:14:57 -Can you imagine?-Dave.
335 00:15:00 - Dave? -Dave.- It's probably Dave.
336 00:15:02 - Oh, oh, d-d-Dave, Dave.
337 00:15:04 - Nobody's name is da-v�.-It's very, very, very sad.
338 00:15:05 No one is going to visitthat baby and that baby,
339 00:15:08 mark my words,will grow up without a family.
340 00:15:10 It's like he's dead or worse.
341 00:15:12 It is very sad. Kumi.
342 00:15:14 -Go and pray now so then wecan eat ice cream. Go. -What?
343 00:15:17 -Go. Please, go. -Yeah, yeah,ma, I just need to finish.
344 00:15:19 Hurry up, bhai. Ice cream.
345 00:15:20 And thenwe'll eat ice cream.
346 00:15:22 Stop, stop.
347 00:15:23 Janamaz is downstairs. Go.
348 00:15:25 - Go. -Stop.
349 00:15:26 What is this?
350 00:15:53 -I don't know, I think... -Mymother used to make best kulfi.
351 00:15:55 -You-you... your grandmother.-Oh, yeah?
352 00:15:57 I think ice creamis better than kulfi.
353 00:15:59 - Thank you. -No, no, no.
354 00:16:00 - Oh. I wonder who that could be.- Yeah.
355 00:16:04 Let me check. I don't know.
356 00:16:06 I'm guessing it's a young,single Pakistani woman
357 00:16:08 who just happenedto be driving by our house,
358 00:16:10 which is on a cul-de-sac.
359 00:16:12 -Well...-And I'm also guessing
360 00:16:13 that the phrase, "dropped in"
361 00:16:15 will be saidin the next ten seconds.
362 00:16:17 -Ten.-Ten. Nine.
363 00:16:18 -Eight. Seven.-Eight. Seven.
364 00:16:20 - Quiet.- Everyone...
365 00:16:22 This is zubeida.
366 00:16:24 -She just dropped in.-Salaam.
367 00:16:26 Wa alaikum as-salaam.
368 00:16:27 -Come, please. Sit.-Mm.
369 00:16:31 Oh, here, kumail,for your files...
370 00:16:34 Thank you.
371 00:16:35 -...your x-files because...-Thank you.
372 00:16:37 ...that's your favorite show,huh?
373 00:16:41 Thank you so much.
374 00:16:42 "The truth is out there."
375 00:16:48 - Uh-huh.- It's from the show.
376 00:16:51 Thank you.
377 00:16:53 -Thank you.-Bye. -Bye.
378 00:16:55 -Yeah. I hope you come back.-Bye.
379 00:16:58 Kumi, there's not just goingto be a magic spark, okay?
380 00:17:02 You have to work at it.You have to stay open.
381 00:17:04 -Okay, ma. Okay. Yeah,yeah, yeah. -Okay. Good.
382 00:17:06 I just wish you werebetter at it, you know?
383 00:17:09 I mean, you've had so muchpractice and you're still, like,
384 00:17:11 - you're not thatgood at it. -Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
385 00:17:13 -Very funny. -Put your a-gamewith naveed, but then with me,
386 00:17:15 you're kind of just phoning itin a little bit.
387 00:17:17 - Again with the comedy,the comedy. -
388 00:17:19 all the time with the comedy.Be serious sometimes.
389 00:17:21 I am serious.I want to help you get better.
390 00:17:34 So, are you ever gonna let me sit in the front seat?
391 00:17:36 No, I'm a professional
392 00:17:37 and you're paying for this ride.
393 00:17:39 I don't want to pay for thisride. It's surging right now.
394 00:17:43 Yeah. Sorry.
395 00:17:46 --You shouldn't havetyped in the number.
396 00:17:48 Okay, the year is 1969.
397 00:17:52 Mgm has hada string of failures,
398 00:17:55 so it turns to its mostbankable star, Vincent price.
399 00:17:59 Is this your compatibility test?
400 00:18:01 Like the way some people arewith vonnegut or big lebowski?
401 00:18:05 No, just watch the movieand take it seriously
402 00:18:07 -because it's very serious.-I'm gonna love it.
403 00:18:08 I love it when mentest me on my taste.
404 00:18:10 I just want to sharethis movie with you,
405 00:18:12 -so I don't know why you'rereading into... -How many...
406 00:18:14 How many women have youshowed this movie to?
407 00:18:17 Zero.
408 00:18:19 How many women have youshown a "b" horror movie to
409 00:18:21 on, like, a third date?
410 00:18:25 - This is not a "b" horror movie.
411 00:18:28 Okay, are you ready?
412 00:18:30 Just close your eyes'cause when the menu comes on,
413 00:18:32 there's some spoilersin the menu.
414 00:18:34 -Okay?-I'm ready, I'm ready.
415 00:18:36 Okay, I'll hit play.
416 00:18:37 Okay, go.
417 00:18:53 Watch.
418 00:18:55 -I'm watching.-Shh.
419 00:18:57 Watch this part.
420 00:19:01 -No.-What?
421 00:19:03 - If you're tired, we can watchit later. - Sorry.
422 00:19:05 Just have that weird, like,yawning thing that happens
423 00:19:08 when you're watchinga really boring film.
424 00:19:12 It's not boring.Just wait for it to kick in.
425 00:19:15 -The plot kicks in really soon.-Okay.
426 00:19:16 Your loss. Nine times nine.
427 00:19:21 Nine killed you.
428 00:19:24 That was fun.
429 00:19:26 Uh, thanks for the ride home,but we got to stop doing this.
430 00:19:29 -Yeah. -I know I've said thatbefore, but I really do mean it.
431 00:19:32 I can't be doing this right now.
432 00:19:34 I know, I know. Totally. 100%.
433 00:19:37 I agree with you.
434 00:19:39 -So don't call me again.-I won't.
435 00:19:41 I promise.
436 00:19:43 Good luck on allyour future endeavors.
437 00:19:45 Oh, yeah, thank you.
438 00:19:47 Hey, can we have an awkward hugbefore we part forever?
439 00:19:51 -Okay.-Okay.
440 00:19:54 Uh...
441 00:20:00 -Bye.-Bye.
442 00:20:16 Uh, you just promised neverto call me again, so...
443 00:20:20 It's really cold out here.
444 00:20:23 It's so cold.
445 00:20:25 You make a pretty good point.
446 00:20:28 It is a lot warmer in here.
447 00:20:29 It is warmer in here.
448 00:20:31 -You know, it's reallynice upstairs. -Is it?
449 00:20:36 Whoa. Whoa.
450 00:20:39 What are you doing? Okay.
451 00:20:42 Just trying to get comfy.
452 00:20:44 Oh, let me see.Who could that be?
453 00:20:51 Oh, I wonder who that could be.
454 00:21:00 - Uncle.
455 00:21:02 Oh, let me see who is that.
456 00:21:07 Emily, so, has kumail told you
457 00:21:08 that in additionto being an uber driver,
458 00:21:10 he also has a one-man show?
459 00:21:13 No, he did not tell me that.
460 00:21:15 -Do you really?-Oh, it's really nothing.
461 00:21:17 It's just somethingI'm fiddling around with.
462 00:21:19 How isa one-man show different
463 00:21:21 -from stand-up?-It's really not.
464 00:21:23 I guess it's becausethere's lots of, like,
465 00:21:24 - wigs andcostume changes. -
466 00:21:26 -and there's a lotof acting in it. -Mm.
467 00:21:28 And then, like,at the end of it,
468 00:21:31 you've got this very awkwardconversation where you go,
469 00:21:33 "i really liked it."
470 00:21:35 But I thoughtyou really liked it.
471 00:21:38 I... really liked it.
472 00:21:39 I can't wait to see this show.
473 00:21:41 -Oh, yeah. -Kumail: Okay,you-you will never see the show
474 00:21:41 -because it's... -Oh, you haveto see it. -You have to.
475 00:21:45 - It's not ready. It's not...- You have to... you will...
476 00:21:47 -You will love the acting.-You have got to see it.
477 00:21:49 They're fucking with you.It's not really like this.
478 00:21:50 -They're fucking with meor with you? -It's...
479 00:21:50 -It's actually very... -It seemslike they're fucking with you.
480 00:21:53 -Yeah, no.-...Significant.
481 00:21:57 I'm 12 years old and this...
482 00:22:00 This is home.
483 00:22:03 Feels like I never left.
484 00:22:06 Do you smell that?
485 00:22:08 That's my mom cookingthe murgh rogan Josh.
486 00:22:11 - Fuck.- Do you hear that?
487 00:22:14 That's my father watchingcricket on the telly.
488 00:22:18 Do you feel that?
489 00:22:20 That's the weightof Pakistan's history.
490 00:22:23 Pakistan was formedwhen it separated
491 00:22:25 from its biggest rival, India,on August 14, 1947.
492 00:22:29 Six runs.
493 00:22:32 Silly mid on. Short mid-wicket.
494 00:22:34 Mid-wicket.Deep mid-wicket.
495 00:22:36 Mid on. Long on. Long off.Bowler. Mid off.
496 00:22:40 - A googly is when a...- -I have to leave
497 00:22:41 as soon as the show's over.I can't stay.
498 00:22:43 -Okay.-Okay.
499 00:22:44 So, if you geta silly mid on fielder,
500 00:22:46 you know you're gettinga yorker soon.
501 00:22:50 So, to review,Pakistan's biggest exports
502 00:22:52 - are cotton and...- Concrete.
503 00:22:56 - Kill me.- That's right.
504 00:22:57 Eid mubarak,that's our Christmas.
505 00:23:00 Except instead of thetraditional Christmas ham,
506 00:23:02 we serve mithai,
507 00:23:04 which my khansamah, Chris,will serve to you right now.
508 00:23:07 Hasami is urdu for servant.
509 00:23:10 If you want to make it at home,
510 00:23:11 the main ingredients arecondensed milk, sugar and love.
511 00:23:15 At least,that was my mom's recipe.
512 00:23:18 Hey, you look likea children's toy from Malaysia.
513 00:23:20 Now would you all please rise
514 00:23:21 for the Pakistaninational anthem?
515 00:23:32 Hey.
516 00:23:35 Hey. So, what'd you think?
517 00:23:36 -Um, I thought it was great.-Yeah?
518 00:23:39 I never knew that Pakistan
519 00:23:40 had the world's largestirrigation system.
520 00:23:43 Yeah, something like 14 millionhectares are being irrigated.
521 00:23:46 Like, as soon as I read thati was like,
522 00:23:47 -oh, that's going in the show.-Totally.
523 00:23:50 -Hi, Emily. -Hey.-Hi, guys.
524 00:23:51 Hey. Dude, that was...You were in the zone, man.
525 00:23:54 That was, that wasthe best one we've seen.
526 00:23:55 Yeah, that wasso honest and good.
527 00:24:00 And you know whati realized halfway through?
528 00:24:02 - You're from Pakistan.Yes. -
529 00:24:05 -cool, good to see you, Emily.-Yes. Okay, bye, guys.
530 00:24:06 -Great. Bye, guys.-Keep up the...
531 00:24:08 They seemed to like it.
532 00:24:09 They're so nice.
533 00:24:11 So, really, what'd you think?
534 00:24:13 Like, it's a work in progress.
535 00:24:15 I really liked it.I learned a lot about Pakistan
536 00:24:18 and cricket,all those positions.
537 00:24:21 But I just wish that I hadlearned more about you.
538 00:24:24 -Does that make any sense?-Yeah.
539 00:24:48 Hey.
540 00:24:49 Oh, hi.
541 00:24:52 It's 3:00 A.M.
542 00:24:54 Is that, uh, dineraround the corner open?
543 00:24:57 It's 24 hours.
544 00:24:59 Why, you want an oldlemon meringue pie?
545 00:25:02 You're so funny.
546 00:25:04 No, actually, um, I just,i really need to, um,
547 00:25:08 get a cup of coffee.
548 00:25:10 I can make you coffee.
549 00:25:12 I love diner coffee.I just love that burnt taste.
550 00:25:15 -All right, I'll come with you.-No, no, no, no, no.
551 00:25:18 -No, why would you do that?-It's a bad neighborhood.
552 00:25:20 I'm not gonna let yougo on your own.
553 00:25:22 Why? 'Cause I'm a woman?
554 00:25:23 -Okay.-Seriously, that's the most
555 00:25:24 misogynous thingI've ever heard.
556 00:25:26 -Why are you being so weird?-Fuck you. I'm not being weird.
557 00:25:28 -You're being so weirdright now. -You're being weird.
558 00:25:29 -You're being so weird.-How am I weird?
559 00:25:31 -I want to sleep while it'ssleep time. -This is normal.
560 00:25:33 Girls go to get coffeein the middle of the night.
561 00:25:35 Have you never hada girlfriend before?
562 00:25:36 -This is what it's like.-Are you okay?
563 00:25:38 Everything is not okay.Everything is not good.
564 00:25:40 Hey, hey, hey. You could tell meanything, you know that, right?
565 00:25:43 You could tell me anything.
566 00:25:44 I have to take a shit, okay?!
567 00:25:49 I have to takea huge, fucking dookie.
568 00:25:52 --I can't poo in your bathroom
569 00:25:53 because you don'thave any matches
570 00:25:55 and you don't haveany air freshener.
571 00:25:56 What kind of persondoesn't have any matches
572 00:25:58 or air freshenerin the bathroom?!
573 00:25:59 The walls are so thin
574 00:26:01 and Chris is right out there.
575 00:26:03 Please, stop laughing.Please, please, please.
576 00:26:05 Okay. I have an idea.
577 00:26:17 Hey. How are you?
578 00:26:20 I do not want to talk about it.
579 00:26:28 Watch and learn, bhai.
580 00:26:30 It's all about shiftingthe weight and the torque.
581 00:26:33 Ooh, Christ.
582 00:26:35 Oh. Okay.
583 00:26:41 Hey, you're likea Pakistani Sammy sosa.
584 00:26:45 There you go, honey.Yeah. That's it.
585 00:26:46 He's pretty good.
586 00:26:47 Just do what he's doing.
587 00:26:49 Okay, great.
588 00:26:51 Mine.
589 00:26:53 - Come on, man,just let me... - Mine.
590 00:26:55 Mine, mine, mine, thank you.
591 00:26:55 -Wh-why do you get the Chana?-You go on that-- no.
592 00:26:58 Mmm. This cookie's really good.
593 00:27:01 They're biscuits.Listen to yourself.
594 00:27:03 You hardly sound Pakistani.
595 00:27:05 Cookies.
596 00:27:06 Sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
597 00:27:09 Such a burger.
598 00:27:10 -I'm not a burger.-Yes, you're a burger.
599 00:27:12 -I'm not a burger.-You're a big, fat burger.
600 00:27:13 And biscuit isactually a British term.
601 00:27:15 Oh, thank youfor all the information
602 00:27:16 I don't give a shit about.
603 00:27:16 And you should listen to momand grow a beard.
604 00:27:19 Gets really itchy. I've tried.
605 00:27:21 -It's all patchy.-Oh, is it itchy?
606 00:27:21 -I know I sound like a baby.-Well, try being a man,
607 00:27:24 and conditioning like I do.
608 00:27:27 What's the whole thing withmuslims growing beards, anyway?
609 00:27:28 It's such anarbitrary thing, right?
610 00:27:30 Like, who decided that,oh, we have to have beards.
611 00:27:32 Oh. But you'll do...So, there's a billion of us
612 00:27:34 and you're the only onewith the truth. Is that right?
613 00:27:38 So, the sun is just shiningdown on you right now.
614 00:27:40 It's just parting.
615 00:27:45 You know, I have to tellyou something, bhai.
616 00:27:50 Here we go. Yeah.
617 00:27:53 I've been dating this girl.
618 00:27:55 Sure.
619 00:27:57 -She's white.-Oh.
620 00:27:59 I thought you were gonna say youwere involved in a hit-and-run
621 00:28:01 or you got caughtforging some checks,
622 00:28:03 - but a white girl?!
623 00:28:05 I mean, that's such a clich�.
624 00:28:06 It's okay,and we hate terrorists.
625 00:28:07 -It's...-Just... sorry.
626 00:28:11 Listen, I understand.
627 00:28:11 You're in America,and you want to mow a few lawns
628 00:28:14 and see what it's like,
629 00:28:16 but eventually you haveto marry a Pakistani girl.
630 00:28:19 Like... like, I hung outwith other girls,
631 00:28:23 but then I married Fatima.
632 00:28:25 And we hardly spoketwo words to each other
633 00:28:27 in the first few months,
634 00:28:27 but now, kumi,she's like my best friend.
635 00:28:31 -I know. -You have to break upwith her immediately.
636 00:28:35 If I find someone who's as goodfor me as Fatima is for you,
637 00:28:39 mom would understand, right?
638 00:28:41 I mean, she-she wouldn'tlove me less.
639 00:28:43 Oh, she'd definitelylove you less.
640 00:28:45 Slowly, it'd sort of...
641 00:28:47 What's the word when guysstop returning girl's calls?
642 00:28:50 -Ghosting?-Yes.
643 00:28:51 You have to end it nowor mom will fucking ghost you.
644 00:28:55 Now, come on. Batting.
645 00:29:06 I am getting, like,a lot of bright fruit.
646 00:29:09 -I'd say it's veryfruit forward. -Mm-hmm.
647 00:29:11 - It tastes like grape juicethat's gone bad. -
648 00:29:13 -like...-Yeah.
649 00:29:14 Why do you knowso much about wine?
650 00:29:16 Um, because,
651 00:29:19 uh...
652 00:29:21 I was pretty unhappyin my first marriage,
653 00:29:25 and I drank a lot,
654 00:29:27 and, uh, one way to coverdrinking a lot is to just,
655 00:29:29 -like, know a lot about wine.-Wait. I'm sorry.
656 00:29:31 What did you just say?
657 00:29:31 That knowing a lot about winecovers for drinking a lot.
658 00:29:35 Uh, no, I meanthe huge piece of information
659 00:29:37 -that you're tryingto just blow right past. -Yeah.
660 00:29:39 Yeah, I was married.
661 00:29:41 -You were married?-Um... I was.
662 00:29:43 I was married.
663 00:29:44 Do you want to talkabout something else or...?
664 00:29:47 -Yeah, 'cause I don't reallyhave any questions -no.
665 00:29:49 Other than,when did you get married?
666 00:29:51 - When did you get divorced?
667 00:29:53 What's his name?How tall is he?
668 00:29:54 Did you love him?
669 00:29:56 I guess I havea couple questions.
670 00:29:57 Uh-huh.
671 00:29:59 Um, his name was, is Ryan.
672 00:30:03 We met in college.
673 00:30:05 Everyone I knew was gettingmarried super young, so...
674 00:30:09 We did, and, um, one dayi was at a restaurant,
675 00:30:14 and I saw thiscouple making out.
676 00:30:18 And I thought,"huh. I don't think
677 00:30:22 "about my husband like that.
678 00:30:24 But that's okay."
679 00:30:25 And then another partof my brain was like,
680 00:30:27 "no, that's not okay.
681 00:30:29 This is your life."
682 00:30:31 I feel like this isfreaking you out.
683 00:30:33 Is this freaking you out?
684 00:30:34 It's not freaking me out.
685 00:30:36 I don't want to putpressure on you.
686 00:30:39 And I know it's only beena few months,
687 00:30:42 but I just wantedto tell you, I...
688 00:30:46 Am overwhelmed by you.
689 00:30:49 It's the last thingi was expecting.
690 00:30:54 This was also the last thingi was expecting.
691 00:30:59 And I also feel completelyoverwhelmed by you.
692 00:31:04 -That's a weird thing to say.-Why?
693 00:31:07 I just said what you said,exactly what you said.
694 00:31:09 Yeah, it wasn't weirdwhen I said it.
695 00:31:13 No...
696 00:31:14 It's okay.
697 00:31:25 So, listen, my parents are goingto be in town this weekend.
698 00:31:29 -Oh, that's great.-Will you maybe want to come
699 00:31:30 and meet them for lunch?
700 00:31:33 Oh, we can't 'causeof the two-day rule, right?
701 00:31:36 Well, you'll come to Mary'sparty Friday night, right?
702 00:31:39 And then we'll probablyspend the night,
703 00:31:40 so I won't be ableto see you till Monday, so...
704 00:31:43 Okay. Well, I would loveto meet your parents.
705 00:31:47 They live in the city, right?
706 00:31:49 Well, they live in the suburbs,and, uh, you know,
707 00:31:54 I don't really see themvery much.
708 00:31:55 Have they asked about me?
709 00:31:57 What do they think?
710 00:31:57 -Oh, um... -Do they,do they want to meet me?
711 00:32:00 My parents want to meet you.
712 00:32:00 Of course, of course.They're dying to meet you.
713 00:32:03 -Ow. Oh, my god.-Whoa, you okay?
714 00:32:06 -Yep.-What happened?
715 00:32:08 -Do you...-Totally fine.
716 00:32:09 Do you need...
717 00:32:10 No, I think I justtweaked my ankle.
718 00:32:12 ...assistance?
719 00:32:12 I took this stupid hip-hopdance class last weekend.
720 00:32:16 You should get it looked at.Do you want ice?
721 00:32:18 -I don't need anything.-I can get you a bag of ice.
722 00:32:20 Look, I'm walking on it.I'm totally fine.
723 00:32:21 -I can carry you.-Kumail, seriously, stop.
724 00:32:23 -I can carry youthe rest of the day. -Stop.
725 00:32:28 Hey, I liked your friends.
726 00:32:31 That Craig guy?
727 00:32:33 Or was it Greg?
728 00:32:35 You know, I can never tellwith those names.
729 00:32:37 I'm glad I like him 'causei don't want have to, like,
730 00:32:40 come up with excusesto avoid him, you know?
731 00:32:42 Like... like, "oh, no.
732 00:32:44 I have kite-surfing tonight."
733 00:32:47 You know, in the u.K.,Craig is pronounced crayg...
734 00:32:51 Which is good 'cause that'show it's written, right?
735 00:32:53 Anyway, he's a great guy.
736 00:32:58 I was gonna tell you about that.
737 00:33:02 Are you judging Pakistan's next top model or something?
738 00:33:05 No.
739 00:33:07 -Seriously, who are these women?-Okay, um...
740 00:33:09 You know how we have arrangedmarriage in my culture?
741 00:33:13 These are those women.
742 00:33:16 These are women in Pakistanwho want to marry you?
743 00:33:18 They're not in Pakistan.
744 00:33:20 You've met these women?
745 00:33:22 Just with my parents and stuff,but we-we haven't, like...
746 00:33:24 But you're not seriousabout this, are you?
747 00:33:27 It's my mom's thing.I just go along with it.
748 00:33:30 So, what does your momthink about you and me then?
749 00:33:36 She doesn't know about me,does she?
750 00:33:40 No.
751 00:33:50 -Emily, just, can you... just...-Fuck!
752 00:33:51 Five fucking monthsof red flags.
753 00:33:52 Oh, my god, I'm so stupid.
754 00:33:56 You ducking my parents.
755 00:33:58 Oh, my god, the two-day rule.
756 00:34:00 -No, that had nothingto do with it. -Seriously.
757 00:34:01 Red flag after red flag.
758 00:34:04 You're such a liar.
759 00:34:06 You lied to me.
760 00:34:07 You lied to your parents.
761 00:34:09 And those are justthe people you like.
762 00:34:11 Is there someone thatyou're not lying to?
763 00:34:14 I'd love to meet them becausethen I could tell them
764 00:34:16 -what a fucking liar you are!-You know what?
765 00:34:17 You didn't tell me aboutyour divorce until recently.
766 00:34:19 So, you were hidingfucking something, too.
767 00:34:22 My divorce does not meanthat our future is impossible.
768 00:34:25 It actually meansthe direct opposite.
769 00:34:27 I'm not hiding anythingfrom you. Okay?
770 00:34:30 I'm an open fucking book.
771 00:34:31 You want to know what'sin my cigar box?
772 00:34:33 Stickers.Stickers and stamps.
773 00:34:37 Aren't you a therapist?Aren't you supposed to be good
774 00:34:39 -at handling this kind of...-Where are my fucking shoes?!
775 00:34:41 Aren't you,supposed to be, like,
776 00:34:41 able to deal with this betterthan you are right now?
777 00:34:45 I am expressing myself!
778 00:34:50 You know what we call arrangedmarriage in Pakistan, Emily?
779 00:34:53 Marriage.
780 00:34:54 Okay? We just call it marriage.
781 00:34:56 There's another typeof marriage.
782 00:34:58 It's called love marriageand that's bad.
783 00:34:59 My cousin, rehan,married an Irish woman
784 00:35:00 and he was kickedout of the family.
785 00:35:02 Nobody is allowedto talk to him.
786 00:35:05 Why didn't you tell meany of this?
787 00:35:07 Because I didn't thinkyou'd fucking understand,
788 00:35:08 and I was fucking right.
789 00:35:10 You don't think thati could fathom your life
790 00:35:12 -in any fucking way? -Oh, youthink you could understand me?
791 00:35:13 I'm fightinga 1,400-year-old culture.
792 00:35:15 You were ugly in high school.
793 00:35:17 There's a bigfucking difference.
794 00:35:20 I'm sorry.
795 00:35:26 I can't lose my family.
796 00:35:33 Can you imagine a world in w...
797 00:35:37 In which we end up together?
798 00:35:43 I don't know.
799 00:35:50 I have to go.
800 00:35:52 Don't fucking call me.
801 00:35:58 Multigrain, pumpernickel,
802 00:36:01 pita bread, hot dog bun,croutons.
803 00:36:06 I can't eat any of it.
804 00:36:09 I don't want kids.
805 00:36:11 People say, "Sam...You're gonna love it.
806 00:36:14 "This kid,you're gonna have a kid,
807 00:36:15 he's gonna be your best friend."
808 00:36:17 A best friend that-that pukeson you and shits everywhere
809 00:36:21 and is constantly screaming.
810 00:36:22 I already have friendslike that.
811 00:36:25 People say, "Sam..."
812 00:36:26 I know you're bummed,all right, but, like...
813 00:36:29 Emily's a good person.
814 00:36:30 I'm not saying she's not.
815 00:36:31 All I'm saying is thisis the universe telling you
816 00:36:33 seize your moment, be a littleselfish and pursue your career.
817 00:36:36 Bob dalavan's gonna be hereon Thursday.
818 00:36:38 If you get the Montrealcomedy festival,
819 00:36:40 it would change things for you.
820 00:36:41 You don't want to get stuckin Chicago, right?
821 00:36:43 You don't want to end uplike Sam highsmith,
822 00:36:45 who's been doing the"people say Sam" bits since '03.
823 00:36:48 I don't like kids.
824 00:36:50 -People say, "Sam..."-See?
825 00:36:51 -Is that what you want?-It's like...
826 00:36:51 -Is that, is that what you wantfor your life? -It's amazing.
827 00:36:55 And it's the same material.
828 00:36:57 - What do people say?- Sam.
829 00:36:58 - People say what?- Sam.
830 00:37:00 I'm Sam highsmith.Thank you very much.
831 00:37:02 -You know what, I'm gonnatell him. -He's a hack.
832 00:37:03 I'm gonna tell him howi actually feel about him.
833 00:37:05 -Fucking tell him.-Never writes anything new.
834 00:37:05 -I'm gonna tell him.-It's fucking bullshit.
835 00:37:07 -Great set, dude.-I'm feeling it, bro.
836 00:37:08 -Crushing. -Killing me, man.-Love the new stuff.
837 00:37:10 We should be ashamedof ourselves.
838 00:37:13 We're weak. We're weak.
839 00:37:14 I wouldn't call it an obsession,
840 00:37:17 but I'm pretty good at magic.
841 00:37:18 Ooh. -Sharmeen: What?-Yeah. -Magic?
842 00:37:20 Can you makehis belly disappear?
843 00:37:22 - Oh.
844 00:37:22 Come on. I'm too happywith my belly.
845 00:37:25 Does anyone have a dollar?
846 00:37:27 -I will give you something.-Okay.
847 00:37:29 - 20? Big spender.
848 00:37:32 All right. Andrew Jackson.
849 00:37:34 Don't you think he would lookcool with a pair of sunglasses?
850 00:37:38 Yeah, I really...
851 00:37:41 - Okay. Mm.- Okay.
852 00:37:45 -Oh, he's... okay.-Right.
853 00:37:47 -Okay, stylish.-Mm-hmm. Yes.
854 00:37:50 Okay.
855 00:37:52 And now we sprinklethe magic dust on.
856 00:37:54 -Just a little bit. -Kumail:Yeah, yeah, you can't do it
857 00:37:55 -without the magic dust. Yeah.-No, yeah, I need it.
858 00:37:57 All right.
859 00:37:59 Abracadabra.
860 00:38:01 Okay. Watching carefully.
861 00:38:03 Mm-hmm.
862 00:38:06 Oh!
863 00:38:08 That is amazing.
864 00:38:08 And he does look betterwith glasses.
865 00:38:11 -Right?-Yes.
866 00:38:13 How did you do that?
867 00:38:13 Oh, no, a magician neverreveals her tricks.
868 00:38:16 Here's your 20 back,Mr. nanjiani.
869 00:38:18 Do you think I can use this$20 bill now to buy something?
870 00:38:20 It look better now, right?
871 00:38:27 I was watching thismonster movie with my friend.
872 00:38:29 And he turned to me,and he was like,
873 00:38:31 - "what would you doin that situation?" -
874 00:38:34 I'm never gonna be oneof the last guys alive.
875 00:38:36 I'm gonna bethe first guy to die.
876 00:38:39 I die so the other charactersget to find out
877 00:38:41 that something weird's going on.
878 00:38:43 I go off alone to find the cat.
879 00:38:48 I never even find outthat there were monsters.
880 00:38:52 To me, the plot of the movie waswe're at a research facility
881 00:38:55 and the cat's missing!
882 00:38:57 - The end.
883 00:38:59 Denise, this...
884 00:39:02 Is your name in urdu.
885 00:39:04 Wow, that is so cool.
886 00:39:06 Kumail?
887 00:39:08 Hey.
888 00:39:09 -Hey, Bob dalavan.-Yeah.
889 00:39:11 I know you.
890 00:39:12 Some very interesting premisesin your...
891 00:39:15 Set tonight.
892 00:39:17 -Oh, thanks. -Yeah.I just wanted you to know.
893 00:39:19 I'm about to take off.But you made it to the finals
894 00:39:21 -for the Montreal showcase.-Oh, my god.
895 00:39:23 Thank you.
896 00:39:24 -You, too, Mary.-Oh!
897 00:39:25 -Okay.-Okay.
898 00:39:27 So we'll see you guys up there.
899 00:39:29 -Yeah. -Yes.-We'll be in touch.
900 00:39:30 Well, what about c-dog?
901 00:39:31 Who's that?
902 00:39:33 Uh, me. What about me?
903 00:39:35 Oh, you know what?
904 00:39:37 Funny stuff, okay?
905 00:39:43 I'll walk you out.
906 00:39:47 Hey,
907 00:39:49 do you want to go somewhere?
908 00:39:51 Yeah, let's go somewhere.
909 00:40:11 Hello?
910 00:40:12 Kumail, it's Jessie.
911 00:40:14 Hey. Who?
912 00:40:16 Jessie.I'm in school with Emily.
913 00:40:19 Listen, Emily's in the hospital.
914 00:40:20 She has a really bad fluor something.
915 00:40:22 What?
916 00:40:23 Could you just go, please?
917 00:40:25 We need someone there.We have exams tomorrow,
918 00:40:27 so nobody else can go.
919 00:40:29 She's still in the E.R.
920 00:40:30 Could you just go and sit with her
921 00:40:32 and then drive her home, please?
922 00:40:33 I was there for as long as I could,
923 00:40:35 but I had to leave.
924 00:40:49 Hi. I'm lookingfor Emily gardner.
925 00:40:52 Um... Emily gardner.She was checked in...
926 00:41:26 Hey.
927 00:41:28 What are you doing here?
928 00:41:30 Um, Jessie called me,and wanted me to make sure
929 00:41:34 you were okay.
930 00:41:38 -So how are you doing?-Fine.
931 00:41:40 I'm totally fine.Never been better.
932 00:41:42 A thousand percent fine.
933 00:41:44 Just, like, fainted a littleat work.
934 00:41:46 Didn't have breakfastthis morning.
935 00:41:49 Breakfast-- the most importantmeal of the day. You know that.
936 00:41:53 Ms. gardner, your room
937 00:41:55 -will be ready soon, okay?-Oh, no, no, actually,
938 00:41:58 -i would just love to go homeand sleep in my own bed. -Sir,
939 00:42:00 can you step outsidefor a moment, please?
940 00:42:03 If you want to stay,you have to go
941 00:42:04 -to the security deskand get a pass. -All right.
942 00:42:06 Where is the security desk?
943 00:42:08 It's downstairs...
944 00:42:10 Exactly where you walked inat the security desk.
945 00:42:13 The security desk isat the security desk. Got it.
946 00:42:17 --Can I get you something?
947 00:42:19 Water? Juice? Coffee?
948 00:42:25 May I speakwith you for a second?
949 00:42:27 I'll be right back.
950 00:42:33 There's a massive infectionin her lungs,
951 00:42:35 and all her vitals are elevated.
952 00:42:36 Does she have HIV?
953 00:42:38 What? No.I mean, she...
954 00:42:40 -Are you her husband?-No.
955 00:42:42 Oh, we need to intubate herimmediately.
956 00:42:44 I need a family memberto sign this, so
957 00:42:45 I'm gonna ask you again--are you her husband?
958 00:42:48 -What does, uh, "intubate" mean?-We have to put her
959 00:42:50 on a respirator, and to do that,
960 00:42:52 we need to put herin a medically-induced coma.
961 00:42:55 -Coma?-Yes.
962 00:42:57 To stabilize her so we can workon the infection.
963 00:42:59 And it needs to happenright now.
964 00:43:01 So, I'm gonna ask youone last time--
965 00:43:04 are you her husband?
966 00:43:13 What's going on?
967 00:43:14 -What's going on?-You're gonna be okay.
968 00:43:18 -Just relax and...-Where are you taking me?
969 00:43:31 You should call her family.
970 00:43:58 Sorry.
971 00:44:17 Hey, Ms. gardner, um,this is kumail, Emily's friend.
972 00:44:21 Uh, sorry to call you so late.
973 00:44:23 Um, Emily's... Emily's fine.
974 00:44:25 Just want to get thattaken care of. She's fine.
975 00:44:27 Um, she is at city view hospitalin Chicago
976 00:44:30 in a medically-induced coma,but the doctors say that all...
977 00:44:36 Yes, I did say "coma."
978 00:45:26 Hey. I'm kumail.
979 00:45:31 - We know who you are, kumail.- Mr. and Mrs. gardner,
980 00:45:34 the doctors would liketo see you now.
981 00:45:37 I'll be right back.
982 00:45:50 Uh, listen,
983 00:45:51 the doctor will be hereany minute.
984 00:45:53 She's just runninga little late.
985 00:45:55 Don't read anything intothis being the bereavement room.
986 00:45:58 It's the only roomwe had available.
987 00:46:00 Okay.Thank you. Okay. -Nurse: Okay.
988 00:46:13 -Terry, Terry, i-i-i-i...-It's...
989 00:46:15 -It's-it's driving me insane.-Yes, I know, I know,
990 00:46:17 but it makes me feel better.
991 00:46:19 I just...
992 00:46:21 Hello. No. Please sit.Please sit.
993 00:46:25 I'm Dr. Cunningham,Emily's attending.
994 00:46:28 I'll be coordinatingall the doctors
995 00:46:30 and orchestratingher treatment strategy.
996 00:46:32 All the doctors?
997 00:46:33 -How many are there?-Five.
998 00:46:36 -Five? Why so many? I mean,is that... is that normal? -Yes.
999 00:46:38 It's standardfor patients in the icu.
1000 00:46:40 We come at it from many angles,we confer...
1001 00:46:41 We're assessing her. We immediately
1002 00:46:43 initiated orotrachealintubation. Thankfully,
1003 00:46:45 - it hasn't affected her heart atthis point. - We don't know
1004 00:46:48 the exact natureof the infection yet,
1005 00:46:48 but we got her on a broadspectrum of antibiotics.
1006 00:46:52 The right lung is battlingcritical infection
1007 00:46:52 centering aroundthe costodiaphragmatic recess.
1008 00:46:54 Our theoryis methicillin-resistant
1009 00:46:56 staphylococcus aureus.
1010 00:46:57 -Staphyl... hold on.That's a "p"... -Yeah.
1011 00:47:00 -That's an "f" or a ph"?-Ph. No. It's staphylococcus...
1012 00:47:12 That was very reassuring,wasn't it?
1013 00:47:16 Apparently, there are goodand bad comas,
1014 00:47:20 and the kindthat they put her in--
1015 00:47:23 the medically-induced coma--are definitely, like,
1016 00:47:25 the good kind of coma.
1017 00:47:32 Like... you know howthere are good and bad carbs?
1018 00:47:41 Gremlins--those can be good or bad.
1019 00:47:43 Listen, kumail...
1020 00:47:44 Uh...
1021 00:47:47 We're gonna handle thingsfrom here, okay?
1022 00:47:49 You've been very helpful.
1023 00:47:51 Thank you for...For signing the thing, and...
1024 00:47:53 Yeah, my pleasure.
1025 00:47:56 But, uh, you can go now.
1026 00:47:58 -Okay. Um...-All right?
1027 00:48:00 All right.
1028 00:48:04 Peace in the mideast.
1029 00:48:12 What about this?I saw a sniffer dog
1030 00:48:14 at the airport.He had a boner.
1031 00:48:17 Does that mean drugsor bombs?
1032 00:48:19 That's good. What if...What if instead
1033 00:48:21 of it being at the airport,
1034 00:48:23 -you quit comedy, and neverdo comedy ever again? -Yeah.
1035 00:48:26 Fuck you! It's a goodbit. That's a funny bit.
1036 00:48:29 Just for the sake of the publicthat they wouldn't have to
1037 00:48:30 look at your faceor hear your words. That's...
1038 00:48:32 Hey, it's okaythat I'm not there, right?
1039 00:48:35 Like... I don't needto be there, right?
1040 00:48:38 What's up?What happened?
1041 00:48:41 -He put his girlfriendin a coma. Yeah. -Yeah.
1042 00:48:43 You know, the-the way you do.
1043 00:48:45 - She's not my girlfriend.- He didn't, but he signed
1044 00:48:46 a paper that allowed doctorsto put...
1045 00:48:48 He... he suggested it.
1046 00:48:50 She's gonna be fine.
1047 00:48:52 She's gonna be fine. They saidshe's gonna be fine, so
1048 00:48:53 -they're gonna be fine. Doctorsknow medical stuff. -You...
1049 00:48:56 Mm-hmm.- That's what doctors do.
1050 00:48:58 They're good at medical stuff.
1051 00:48:59 This is a medically-inducedcoma.
1052 00:49:01 This is their specialty.
1053 00:49:03 -Maybe. -Chris: You know,it might be a good thing.
1054 00:49:04 Like, she might wake upwith a new skill.
1055 00:49:07 Like, my cousin,uh, blacked out once, and then,
1056 00:49:08 when he came to, he thoughthe knew a different language.
1057 00:49:11 -Did he?-No. Apparently, it was...
1058 00:49:13 It was just gibberishthat he made up.
1059 00:49:15 It was brain damage.
1060 00:49:18 I got another taco bell one.
1061 00:49:36 Did you forget something?
1062 00:49:39 - Is she up yet?- No, she's not.
1063 00:49:42 And, uh, they won'ttell us anything.
1064 00:49:44 We've been here all morning.
1065 00:49:47 I know you guys said thatyou don't need me to stay,
1066 00:49:50 but I think I'm just gonna waitanyway.
1067 00:49:52 You guys broke up.
1068 00:49:53 I'm not sure why you're here.
1069 00:49:58 You-you don't have to worry
1070 00:50:00 about being committedto anything, kumail.
1071 00:50:02 You didn't want towhen she was awake.
1072 00:50:03 There's no need to do itwhen she's unconscious.
1073 00:50:06 -It's more complicatedthan that. -Is it?
1074 00:50:09 'Cause I knowabout the two-day rule.
1075 00:50:11 I know about the head shotsand the secrets.
1076 00:50:13 She tells us everything.
1077 00:50:15 You really don't have to stay,kumail.
1078 00:50:19 - You have already done...- A lot.
1079 00:50:22 I'm just gonna stayfor a second.
1080 00:50:27 Is this seat...? Okay.
1081 00:50:46 Is... is that ladystill looking at me?
1082 00:50:53 Oh. Hey.
1083 00:51:01 Mr. cuevas,please see Dr. toscado.
1084 00:51:04 Mr. cuevas,please see Dr. toscado.
1085 00:51:06 Yeah.
1086 00:51:08 Yeah, come on.There's no reason, uh...
1087 00:51:11 Should eat there by yourself,right, hon?
1088 00:51:14 It's a free country.
1089 00:51:21 How's your sandwich?
1090 00:51:23 Best fucking sandwichi ever had.
1091 00:51:27 Mine's good.
1092 00:51:30 Tuna's always a gamble, but,
1093 00:51:33 you know,we're not by the water.
1094 00:51:35 Well, we are by the water.
1095 00:51:36 But it's a lake.
1096 00:51:38 There's no tuna in the lake.
1097 00:51:41 Whatever.
1098 00:51:43 I-i threw the dice.
1099 00:51:45 I got the...
1100 00:51:48 Sevens, I guess.
1101 00:51:49 Whatever... whateverthe good dice number is.
1102 00:51:51 So, uh...
1103 00:51:54 9/11.
1104 00:51:57 No, I mean...
1105 00:52:00 I've always wanted to havea conversation with... about it.
1106 00:52:04 With... people.
1107 00:52:09 You've never talked to peopleabout 9/11?
1108 00:52:11 No, what's your...
1109 00:52:12 What's your stance?
1110 00:52:15 What's my stance on 9/11?
1111 00:52:18 Oh, um...
1112 00:52:21 Anti. It was a tragedy.
1113 00:52:25 I mean,
1114 00:52:26 we lost 19 of our best guys.
1115 00:52:28 Huh?
1116 00:52:31 That was a joke. Obviously.
1117 00:52:34 9/11 was a terrible tragedy,
1118 00:52:36 and it's not funnyto joke about it.
1119 00:52:39 Mr. and Mrs. gardner,
1120 00:52:41 please report to the icu.
1121 00:52:43 Mr. and Mrs. gardner,
1122 00:52:45 -all right. Come on.-To the icu. Thank you.
1123 00:52:48 Hey, can I come?
1124 00:52:49 -No.-Yeah.
1125 00:52:51 Yeah.
1126 00:52:53 Whatever.
1127 00:52:55 Hello, come in.
1128 00:52:57 Please, have a seat.
1129 00:53:04 I know this isn't the newsyou were hoping for,
1130 00:53:07 but we aren't ready to bringEmily out of the coma yet.
1131 00:53:09 Oh.
1132 00:53:10 Why? Uh, what happened?
1133 00:53:12 The antibiotics aren't doingwhat we'd hoped they would,
1134 00:53:14 and we don't wantto mess around,
1135 00:53:16 so tomorrow morning,we're gonna perform surgery
1136 00:53:18 to remove the infection.
1137 00:53:19 - Oh,wait one second. -Oh.
1138 00:53:19 Dr. spellman told usthat the antibiotics would work.
1139 00:53:24 -Yeah. -I mean, he didn't sayanything at all about surgery.
1140 00:53:26 So what-- what does that mean?Surgery? What kind of surgery?
1141 00:53:29 It's called thoracentesis.It's a very common procedure.
1142 00:53:31 We're gonna go in between theribs and remove the infection.
1143 00:53:34 An-and... -Terry: Howdo you spell that, please?
1144 00:53:36 And what is it? What's the name?What's the last part?
1145 00:53:37 -Thora...-And the infection i-is...
1146 00:53:37 -On the lung.-"Thora" what? "Thora" what?
1147 00:53:37 -What is it?-And we're going to remove it.
1148 00:53:42 Thoracentesis. C-e-n-t-e-s-i-s.
1149 00:53:43 - And what's the risk?- It's a common thing
1150 00:53:45 - that they do?- Low. Yes.
1151 00:53:47 My advice to you
1152 00:53:48 is that you go home,you get something to eat
1153 00:53:52 and try to relax.
1154 00:54:21 She left the lights on, huh?
1155 00:54:24 My favorite sweater.
1156 00:54:30 I'm gonna do some research.
1157 00:54:33 Oh, hey.
1158 00:54:34 -Huh, that's the booki gave her. -No,
1159 00:54:37 I gave her that one. Hey,do you have that little notebook
1160 00:54:39 from the doctor's?
1161 00:54:42 -This is the book I gave her.-Uh...
1162 00:54:44 I'm just gonna clean upEmily's room real quick.
1163 00:54:45 No, i-i remember.
1164 00:54:47 I met her at the falafel place,
1165 00:54:48 and then we wentto that bookstore
1166 00:54:50 that's hardly ever open,and I bought it for her.
1167 00:54:52 You're not the only onewho gives her things.
1168 00:54:55 -What's up with you?-I'm just tired of you thinking
1169 00:54:57 you're the only onewho gives her things.
1170 00:54:58 I-i gave her that book.
1171 00:54:59 Look at the inscription.
1172 00:55:01 No. No, that's stupid.
1173 00:55:35 -Hey, uh, kumail.-Hey.
1174 00:55:37 Oh. Hey. Sorry.
1175 00:55:38 Didn't mean to surprise you.
1176 00:55:40 I was just wondering,are we gonna do anything?
1177 00:55:42 -You got any parlor games?-I-i don't...
1178 00:55:44 What are parlor games?
1179 00:55:46 Card games. Word games.
1180 00:55:48 Play any word games?
1181 00:55:50 -Um, no, I've never...-You ever play
1182 00:55:52 you can't rhyme it?
1183 00:55:54 How does that go?
1184 00:55:55 It's... eh, basically, you know,
1185 00:55:57 you try to find out a word--a real word--
1186 00:55:59 -that nobody can rhyme.-Okay.
1187 00:56:01 -And then...-Stonehenge.
1188 00:56:04 Yeah, see, you would win.
1189 00:56:06 -Ah. Hmm.-Yeah. That'd be a winner.
1190 00:56:09 I don't play board games.I play, like...
1191 00:56:11 -I play video games.-That's the thing.
1192 00:56:13 Everybody now needs, like,you know, a Nintendo.
1193 00:56:15 A game thing. The thing.Electronics. $1,000.
1194 00:56:17 When I was a kid,piece of chalk and a pavement,
1195 00:56:20 and that's your entertainment.
1196 00:56:21 Hopscotch. Tic-tac-toe.
1197 00:56:23 Throw the chalk at Jimmy.
1198 00:56:25 --There you go.Three games right there.
1199 00:56:27 Jimmy was a real guy?
1200 00:56:29 Yeah, well, I mean,there was no particular Jimmy.
1201 00:56:31 You know, whoever got hitwith the chalk--
1202 00:56:32 - he was the Jimmy.
1203 00:56:33 Uh...
1204 00:56:34 I'm just trying
1205 00:56:36 -to figure out, you know,what to do. -Yeah.
1206 00:56:38 I-i... tonight's no good for me.
1207 00:56:40 I'd love to, but, um...
1208 00:56:42 I'm actually, uh...
1209 00:56:44 I'm actually gigging tonight,
1210 00:56:46 which is, like,an industry word we use
1211 00:56:47 for when we do,like, shows and stuff, so...
1212 00:56:50 -Really?-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1213 00:56:51 There's a big Montreal comedyfestival audition coming up,
1214 00:56:54 and, um...
1215 00:56:54 -I'm actually headliningtonight, so, yeah. -Oh, wow.
1216 00:56:58 -I should... I should...-Hey.
1217 00:56:58 -Run on out. -Wow, that's cool.I haven't been to a comedy club
1218 00:57:02 since-- oh, boy.Since the '80s, right?
1219 00:57:04 Rita rudner over at Caroline's.Remember that, hon?
1220 00:57:07 Christ. I...
1221 00:57:08 A pleural effusion of the...
1222 00:57:10 Empyema.
1223 00:57:11 Maybe we should go, huh?
1224 00:57:11 Maybe we should go to kumail'sshow. What do you think?
1225 00:57:15 -Wouldn't that be fun?-Oh, my god!
1226 00:57:17 -These pictures are horrible.-Okay, listen,
1227 00:57:20 why don't we goto the comedy club with him?
1228 00:57:22 And this... it'll take our mind
1229 00:57:23 -off of things right now.-I don't want
1230 00:57:24 -to take my mind off it, Terry.-What...
1231 00:57:26 Our daughter's having surgerytomorrow.
1232 00:57:28 Please.
1233 00:57:29 -That's a fair point.-Please, please listen.
1234 00:57:31 I need the distraction.
1235 00:57:33 -Well, then, why don't you go.-No.
1236 00:57:34 I want you to come with me.
1237 00:57:36 I don't want to go alone.
1238 00:57:38 Okay.
1239 00:57:40 But I'm bringing my iPad.
1240 00:57:42 Ah, it's sold out.
1241 00:57:43 I should have said it
1242 00:57:45 before you guyshad the whole discussion.
1243 00:57:48 It sold out, like,super quickly.
1244 00:57:49 They were shockedat how quickly it sold out.
1245 00:57:51 Like...
1246 00:57:52 You can get us in.
1247 00:57:54 You're the headliner, right?That's what you said.
1248 00:57:54 I mean, if you're the headliner,you can get two more in, right?
1249 00:57:58 -That's a good point.-Yeah.
1250 00:58:00 We'll sit in the back, right?We'll sit in the back.
1251 00:58:03 They have food there?
1252 00:58:04 Yeah, they've got waffle friesand, um...
1253 00:58:07 Yeah.
1254 00:58:10 -The hospital hadthe waffle fries, too. -Right.
1255 00:58:15 I... I actually have never beento Pakistan.
1256 00:58:18 My parents moved here
1257 00:58:18 for grad school,and then they just stayed here.
1258 00:58:21 I've never even been to Canada.
1259 00:58:26 -So, um, when is kumail coming?-He's coming.
1260 00:58:29 Right, naveed?
1261 00:58:30 -Ah. Huh.-Traffic.
1262 00:58:32 I heard there's, uh,bumper-to-bumper traffic
1263 00:58:34 on the Dan Ryan expressway.
1264 00:58:36 -That's weird, because...-You know, rush hour.
1265 00:58:37 I took the Dan Ryan expresswayhere.
1266 00:58:43 --What is your dad's sister's
1267 00:58:46 favorite kind of musicto dance to?
1268 00:58:49 -Emily's parents are here.-Aunts, aunts, aunts, aunts.
1269 00:58:51 -Tonight? Why?-Get it? 'Cause it's "aunt."
1270 00:58:53 It's "aunts." It's "aunts."
1271 00:58:53 - All right, forget it.- All right. -
1272 00:58:56 uh, is anybody herefrom out of town?
1273 00:58:59 All right, a few, a few.
1274 00:59:01 Wh-what's your name, sir?
1275 00:59:03 -M... uh, Terry. -Terry.And, uh, who's this lovely lady
1276 00:59:05 -next to you?-Oh, my god. That's Emily's dad.
1277 00:59:08 Is that cloth?Little Terry cloth?
1278 00:59:10 --It's Beth.
1279 00:59:12 Beth. That's pretty close.
1280 00:59:14 -Why would he do this?-Terry Beth,
1281 00:59:15 where you guys from?
1282 00:59:15 -We're from north Carolina.-Ooh.
1283 00:59:19 North Carolina.
1284 00:59:21 Tar heel state.
1285 00:59:21 -Stop. Stop it. -Oh.-Home of krispy kreme doughnuts.
1286 00:59:24 What brings you to Chicago?
1287 00:59:26 Our daughter's in a coma.
1288 00:59:34 Yeah, uh, how...What, uh, where are you from?
1289 00:59:38 Okay, it's getting late.
1290 00:59:40 - I should go.- No, no, no.
1291 00:59:42 -Betho, betho. He will be here.-Hold on, hold on.
1292 00:59:44 I think I should call him up.I'll just call him up.
1293 00:59:46 Hello? Kum-beta?
1294 00:59:47 What do you mean, who's calling?
1295 00:59:49 This is your father.
1296 00:59:51 Okay, okay, okay.
1297 00:59:53 He will be here any moment.
1298 00:59:54 Naveed. I just faked that call.Did you call him?
1299 00:59:57 A hundred times. No response.
1300 01:00:00 I-i think I shouldmake something clear. Um...
1301 01:00:03 I can understand what you're saying.
1302 01:00:06 I thought you said you'd never beento Pakistan.
1303 01:00:10 I said I'd never been therebut we speak it at home.
1304 01:00:14 For someone who's never been to Pakistanyou speak Urdu very well.
1305 01:00:19 Thanks.
1306 01:00:20 Do you want to sing?
1307 01:00:32 --I want to name my kid void
1308 01:00:34 so he won't be able to cashany of his paychecks.
1309 01:00:39 "I'm sorry, sir,this says void on it."
1310 01:00:41 "But that's my name.
1311 01:00:44 Curse you, father!"
1312 01:00:48 I work on the second floorof the bank
1313 01:00:50 -in this fantasy scenario.-Go back to Isis.
1314 01:00:57 Toast is a really strange food.
1315 01:00:59 -What-what did you just say?-You put bread
1316 01:01:01 - and you make it...- It was nothing.
1317 01:01:02 -Come on.-I said
1318 01:01:03 he should go back to Isis.
1319 01:01:07 -Toast is the only food...-No, I mean,
1320 01:01:09 that is a really confusingposition.
1321 01:01:11 I mean, do you wantIsis to have more people?
1322 01:01:13 -No, I was saying that...-Guess what, everybody,
1323 01:01:15 we got an Isis recruiter here.
1324 01:01:17 --All right, gladwe got to the bottom of that.
1325 01:01:19 Toast is like a...
1326 01:01:21 What is it about himthat made you say that?
1327 01:01:23 -I think we know what the answeris. I don't... -Lady, I wasn't
1328 01:01:25 -talking to you.-What is it about him? -We don't
1329 01:01:26 have to go down this path. Weknow what's at the end of it...
1330 01:01:29 'Cause of how he looks.
1331 01:01:31 -There it is.-That is like saying
1332 01:01:33 that all frat boyswearing country club hats
1333 01:01:37 and Hawaiian shirts
1334 01:01:38 have shriveled up,tiny, little dicks.
1335 01:01:40 --Okay, actually...Actually, Beth,
1336 01:01:42 this is a bad way for youto find out, but he's right.
1337 01:01:45 I actually am a terrorist.
1338 01:01:47 I just do stand-up comedyon the side
1339 01:01:49 to keep a low profile.
1340 01:01:50 --Fuck you.
1341 01:01:53 Ac... first of all, very clever.
1342 01:01:55 What? Did you...
1343 01:01:57 Did you write that at home?
1344 01:02:00 Toast...
1345 01:02:02 -Is a very strange...-Fuck you.
1346 01:02:03 -Fuck you.-No, fuck you.
1347 01:02:05 You're a bitch, you know that?
1348 01:02:06 - Fuck you.
1349 01:02:09 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
1350 01:02:11 No, no, no, no, no. No. Listen.
1351 01:02:13 Fucking kill you!
1352 01:02:15 What'syour fucking phone number?
1353 01:02:19 Sorry, everybody.
1354 01:02:22 - Sorry.
1355 01:02:23 I... I'm not sorry, actually,
1356 01:02:27 'cause you're a...A terrible person.
1357 01:02:30 I don't want to kick your asshere in front of everybody.
1358 01:02:33 --Yeah, that's right.
1359 01:02:35 I got levels, motherfucker.Okay?
1360 01:02:37 This elevator goes all the wayfucking down,
1361 01:02:39 you fucking prick!
1362 01:02:51 I think I'll make tea.
1363 01:02:55 Actually, I'll opena bottle of wine.
1364 01:02:58 Actually, um,does Emily have whiskey?
1365 01:03:01 On top of the fridge.
1366 01:03:03 So, uh,
1367 01:03:05 cubs doing good, huh?
1368 01:03:07 I don't know anythingabout baseball.
1369 01:03:10 No? Hmm.
1370 01:03:11 I'm so sorry about that.
1371 01:03:13 That was...
1372 01:03:17 I just sort of lost control.
1373 01:03:19 -I thought it was sexy.-Me, too.
1374 01:03:23 Not like sexy,
1375 01:03:24 but like cool sexy,not like aroused sexy.
1376 01:03:29 I'm gonna not say "sexy"anymore.
1377 01:03:31 Hey,
1378 01:03:33 you guys want to get somethingto eat?
1379 01:03:35 I know you guys got a formula.
1380 01:03:37 You know, I've beento a couple shows now.
1381 01:03:39 -So is it always like that?-Oh, like tonight?
1382 01:03:41 -Yeah. -No, usually a differentmom comes in to help me.
1383 01:03:45 I'm joking. No, it's...
1384 01:03:47 It's not always like that.I'd quit if it was.
1385 01:03:49 - Here's a joke. No.- No. Terry, don't.
1386 01:03:51 Terry's about as funnyas a fart at a funeral.
1387 01:03:54 --No. This isfunny. This is a funny one.
1388 01:03:57 -Okay. -All right.A giraffe walks into a bar,
1389 01:04:01 and he says to the bartender,"highballs on me."
1390 01:04:07 You get it, right?
1391 01:04:09 -Oh, that was the end of thejoke? -Yeah, of course it was.
1392 01:04:12 -That was the whole joke?-That's the joke.
1393 01:04:13 That's the beauty of it. Boom.
1394 01:04:15 -I thought there was more.-But you get it?
1395 01:04:17 He's giraffe, he's tall,
1396 01:04:19 so it would stand to reason,his testicles... are high.
1397 01:04:24 -Yeah.-And a highball is a drink.
1398 01:04:26 And you ruined it by sayingi wasn't funny first.
1399 01:04:29 - That's what it was.-No. No. -
1400 01:04:31 no, it's good. I like my jokes,like, thoroughly explained.
1401 01:04:33 You're just busting...You're bustin' my highballs.
1402 01:04:36 - Yeah.
1403 01:04:39 Hmm. Mm-hmm.
1404 01:04:41 Complex finish,flamboyant mouth-feel.
1405 01:04:44 Good. How about you?
1406 01:04:45 -My turn?-Yeah.
1407 01:04:48 Mm-hmm.
1408 01:04:50 Fruit forward.
1409 01:04:52 -Good term, absolutely.Fruit forward. -Yeah. No.
1410 01:04:54 -I'm impressed. -This one--it's in the front seat.
1411 01:04:55 -It's driving the wine car.-Exactly.
1412 01:04:58 -It is. -I like wine'cause of the... buzz.
1413 01:05:00 Mm. She's a bitof a lightweight-- Beth.
1414 01:05:04 -So is Terry.-Come on.
1415 01:05:06 He'll be passed out on the sofa
1416 01:05:07 -in less than an hour.-Aah.
1417 01:05:09 That's nonsense.You know that's not true.
1418 01:05:13 -You weren't supposed to be onthe show tonight, were you? -Oh.
1419 01:05:16 Me, on the show tonight? Yeah,i was. I was the headliner.
1420 01:05:23 I lied about the show to get outof hanging out with you guys.
1421 01:05:28 And then I liedabout headlining
1422 01:05:30 to impress you guys.
1423 01:05:32 Well, that didn't work.
1424 01:05:35 Also, I think I screwed upwith your daughter.
1425 01:05:39 Yeah.
1426 01:05:41 You did.
1427 01:05:43 I don't know how people do it
1428 01:05:45 when their family's sick.
1429 01:05:47 My uncle lew--he got cancer.
1430 01:05:50 Then he had a stroke,then a heart attack.
1431 01:05:52 Then he had a recurrenceof the cancer.
1432 01:05:54 But you know what killed him?
1433 01:05:55 -Cancer?-Car accident.
1434 01:05:57 We think maybeit was a heart attack
1435 01:05:59 while he was driving, and he didstill have cancer, too.
1436 01:06:02 And you know what?
1437 01:06:04 He ate sproutshis whole fucking life.
1438 01:06:06 Hadn't had a yolkin 30 years.
1439 01:06:14 I don't know howI'm going to sleep tonight.
1440 01:06:18 You want to stress eat?
1441 01:06:19 Fuck, yeah.
1442 01:06:21 Oh, my god.
1443 01:06:23 I know.
1444 01:06:24 "Most noticeable."
1445 01:06:27 Oh, now, now, hold on, hold on.
1446 01:06:29 There's more. Look.
1447 01:06:31 The legendary cemetery...Photo shoot.
1448 01:06:34 Oh. Oh... my god.
1449 01:06:37 Nah!-Oh! Wow!
1450 01:06:39 Oh. I laughed so hardwhen I saw these,
1451 01:06:41 she got so... so mad at me.
1452 01:06:43 You're gonna wake him up.
1453 01:06:45 Ah, are you kidding?He could sleep though anything.
1454 01:06:47 -Hey, Terry!-Shh!
1455 01:06:49 How did you and Terry meet?
1456 01:06:51 I was, um, goingto east Carolina university.
1457 01:06:55 And I was, um, waiting tables,
1458 01:06:57 and, you know,we met at this coffee shop.
1459 01:07:00 I was waiting on him, you know,and I liked his hair.
1460 01:07:03 He was a teacher already,you know.
1461 01:07:05 Thick New York accent,
1462 01:07:07 like... like nobodyI'd ever met, you know.
1463 01:07:09 Totally wrong for me.
1464 01:07:11 So, naturally,we fell in love.
1465 01:07:13 My family could not stand him.
1466 01:07:16 We're all military people.Army pilots.
1467 01:07:19 All my brothersplayed football.
1468 01:07:20 Terry couldn't evenchange a tire.
1469 01:07:22 My father got so mad at me,
1470 01:07:25 he broke every dinner platewe had.
1471 01:07:27 Now back then, um,you-you go to the gas station,
1472 01:07:30 you fill up your tank,you get a dinner plate.
1473 01:07:33 -Oh. -But just one at a time,like cup, saucer.
1474 01:07:35 It took a year of fill-upsto get the whole set back.
1475 01:07:38 And Terry...Terry just stuck around.
1476 01:07:41 Eventually...
1477 01:07:42 They all just got over it.
1478 01:07:45 -They just got over it?-Mm-hmm.
1479 01:07:48 -How?-Lots of fucked-up dinners.
1480 01:07:51 How'd your parents meet, kumail?
1481 01:07:55 So we have arranged marriage,as you know,
1482 01:07:57 and a big group got togetherto go see a movie,
1483 01:08:00 but really it was just a set-upso my mom and my dad could meet.
1484 01:08:05 What movie did they see?
1485 01:08:07 I have no idea.
1486 01:08:10 I never asked.
1487 01:08:14 She's great, you know?-Yeah.
1488 01:08:17 I know.
1489 01:08:19 I feel good about the surgery.
1490 01:08:22 Yeah. Me, too. These doctorsknow what they're doing.
1491 01:08:25 No, they don't.
1492 01:08:28 They're just winging itlike everybody else.
1493 01:08:42 Oh.
1494 01:08:45 Fuck.
1495 01:08:55 Hey, it's me.
1496 01:08:57 So, um, I tried makingsome Pakistani food,
1497 01:09:00 uh, to surprise you,and either I'm a bad cook,
1498 01:09:04 or allPakistani food is terrible.
1499 01:09:06 I don't know yet. Bye!
1500 01:09:13 Hey, it me. Um, if you just wantto come over
1501 01:09:16 and, like, kiss mefor two seconds,
1502 01:09:19 I'd really love that tonight.
1503 01:09:21 Okay. Bye.
1504 01:09:25 Hey, it's me. So, uh, did you want to meet
1505 01:09:28 at the gallery? Oh, my god!
1506 01:09:30 Oh, my god!
1507 01:09:32 Oh, my god! A bird just hit me in the head!
1508 01:09:35 Oh, my god, I'm not kidding!
1509 01:09:38 I'll call you right back. Oh, my god, is it okay?
1510 01:09:45 The infection
1511 01:09:47 around the lungshas been removed.
1512 01:09:50 We should be ableto pull her out soon.
1513 01:09:52 - Uh.-Oh, boy! Whew.
1514 01:09:53 Oh. Well, how soon?
1515 01:09:56 She should be up by tomorrowmorning at the latest.
1516 01:09:58 -Oh, wow. -We'll also testthe pleural fluid
1517 01:10:00 from the thoracentesis
1518 01:10:02 to create a more targetedantibiotic strategy.
1519 01:10:04 So this is good news?
1520 01:10:06 It's very good news.
1521 01:10:07 -Yeah.-We'll just hold onto her
1522 01:10:09 for a few more days,and then, you can have her back.
1523 01:10:11 - She's a fighter, right?- --Yes.
1524 01:10:17 I was so worried.We saw on the news
1525 01:10:19 that a train derailed,and we thought
1526 01:10:21 that you were on the train,and you had died.
1527 01:10:23 Nobody died on that train, ma.
1528 01:10:25 But did they lookunder the train?
1529 01:10:26 So where were you last night?What were you doing?
1530 01:10:28 Nothing.I wasn't doing anything.
1531 01:10:30 -Kumail?-All right, I'll tell you.
1532 01:10:33 -Tell.-I was...
1533 01:10:36 I was studying for the lsat.
1534 01:10:38 --Really? -Yup.
1535 01:10:41 I signed up, and if I pass,I'm going to go to law school
1536 01:10:46 and become a lawyer...
1537 01:10:48 And do law.
1538 01:10:51 - Hmm.
1539 01:10:52 Oh, let me seewho that could be.
1540 01:10:54 -Really, dad?-What?
1541 01:10:56 You said that nobody was goingto come, it was just...
1542 01:10:58 -Gonna be just us.-Kumail, do you know this guy?
1543 01:10:59 People say Sam! People say Sam!
1544 01:11:01 -Do you know him? -Yeah,i know him. -He should be
1545 01:11:04 - on Saturday night live. -Snl.- People don't say "Sam."
1546 01:11:06 - They say "salaam."- Everybody, you
1547 01:11:08 remember khadija?
1548 01:11:09 She just dropped in.
1549 01:11:11 She was justin the neighborhood.
1550 01:11:13 And these are her parents,rahan and Tina.
1551 01:11:16 They also just dropped in.
1552 01:11:18 -Salaam alaikum.-Alaikum salaam.
1553 01:11:21 So then she came to America.
1554 01:11:23 She had three kids.
1555 01:11:25 Actually, she left two kids back in Pakistanwhen she came...
1556 01:11:29 I've just been onso many of these appointments,
1557 01:11:33 -and I just never have anythingin common with the guys. -Yeah.
1558 01:11:35 You know, when girls at workcomplain to me about dating,
1559 01:11:38 I just...I want to body-slam them.
1560 01:11:41 --They have no idea.
1561 01:11:42 -Right.-I don't know.
1562 01:11:44 My mom says I'm becoming
1563 01:11:46 like the bruised apple
1564 01:11:47 at the bottomof the apple bucket.
1565 01:11:50 -No. No, no, no, you're not.-Yeah.
1566 01:11:51 -I am.-No, you're not.
1567 01:11:53 So, do you wantto hang out sometime?
1568 01:11:57 Like, without our parents.
1569 01:11:59 Have you been to the cat caf�?
1570 01:12:01 The cats just come up to you
1571 01:12:03 and nestle in your lap,and you just... pet them.
1572 01:12:06 I don't thinkthat's a good idea.
1573 01:12:09 You don't like... cats?
1574 01:12:10 --I mean...
1575 01:12:12 I don't think it's a good ideafor us to hang out again.
1576 01:12:16 It's not you.You're... fantastic.
1577 01:12:20 I just can't do this arrangedmarriage thing... with anybody.
1578 01:12:24 So why did you meet me?
1579 01:12:27 It wasn't my idea.
1580 01:12:35 I'm just really tired.
1581 01:12:37 Do you ever wantto just be in a relationship
1582 01:12:40 so you canjust finally relax?
1583 01:12:44 I'm sorry.
1584 01:12:49 You deserve better than me.
1585 01:12:52 People always telling mewhat I deserve.
1586 01:12:55 It's bullshit.
1587 01:12:58 And stop being so sorryabout everything.
1588 01:13:03 I'm gonna go.
1589 01:13:05 And do you know what?I watched the x-files--
1590 01:13:08 like, three whole episodes--and it's a bad show.
1591 01:13:23 Wow.
1592 01:13:25 They should call this web site,"everything is cancer, dot-com."
1593 01:13:28 Whatever symptom you put in,it... could be cancer.
1594 01:13:32 Hiccups could be cancer.Come on.
1595 01:13:35 Take the fun out of hiccups now.
1596 01:13:37 But you know, this is the
1597 01:13:38 17th best hospital in Chicago?
1598 01:13:42 -Really? Out of how many?-I don't know.
1599 01:13:44 But Northwestern's number one.
1600 01:13:46 How do they rate,
1601 01:13:48 -or what's the methodology?-I-i don't know, Terry.
1602 01:13:50 But 17th is bad.
1603 01:13:52 It's not great.Unless the sample size is...
1604 01:13:54 You know, that all depends.
1605 01:13:56 Here, look at the comments.
1606 01:13:58 This is why I don't wantto go online,
1607 01:13:59 'cause it's never good.
1608 01:14:01 You go online,they hated Forrest Gump.
1609 01:14:03 Frickin' best movie ever.
1610 01:14:07 Yeah, I know.
1611 01:14:09 Well, it,no, it hasn't been that long.
1612 01:14:12 Like, three hours, maybe.
1613 01:14:14 Oh, hey, i-i...All right, I got to go.
1614 01:14:18 -Terry, hi.-Hey.
1615 01:14:20 -Can we talk?-Yeah, yeah.
1616 01:14:21 Okay.
1617 01:14:23 We got the biopsy results.
1618 01:14:25 They are, unfortunately,inconclusive.
1619 01:14:27 Uh, we're concernedbecause it is also...
1620 01:14:32 Well, wait, wait,what does that mean?
1621 01:14:34 It means it's aggressive.It means that...
1622 01:14:45 I mean, they-they couldn't find out what
1623 01:14:48 the disease was or where the...Where the virus came from,
1624 01:14:50 -the bacteria, whatever.-But-but they took out
1625 01:14:52 -the infection, so it shouldn'tmatter. -I know. That's what
1626 01:14:54 I said. But, uh,her vitals didn't normalize.
1627 01:14:55 And-and now they say,the infection,
1628 01:14:57 it's-it's continuing to spread.It's in her kidneys now.
1629 01:15:00 -But the kidneys areso far from the lungs. -I know.
1630 01:15:03 It's an aggressive infection,and-and they said
1631 01:15:06 what they got to do now isthey just got to figure out
1632 01:15:08 -what this mystery diseaseactually is. -Uh-huh, uh-huh,
1633 01:15:10 uh-huh, uh-huh,
1634 01:15:12 uh-huh.
1635 01:15:14 I'm calling Northwestern.
1636 01:15:16 -Just hold on, hold on.-Terry, goddamn it...
1637 01:15:17 -I think we should talk about...-Shut up.
1638 01:15:19 I'm sick of this shit, Terry.We're getting her out of here.
1639 01:15:22 They're in the middle of the...Of the whole process
1640 01:15:25 -of elimination. -So you'resaying Northwestern can't take
1641 01:15:26 that informationand continue the search?
1642 01:15:28 This place is a shithole.I'm sorry.
1643 01:15:30 Anna, could I have that?
1644 01:15:32 Will you just stop for a second,all right? They are the doctors.
1645 01:15:34 You-you act like you knowwhat you're talking about.
1646 01:15:36 -Doctors are not the same.-You don't.
1647 01:15:37 I can't find my cell phone.
1648 01:15:37 -You got a phone? -Yeah.-Don't give her the phone.
1649 01:15:40 Don't...You don't need a phone.
1650 01:15:42 You don't need to call anybodyright now. The...
1651 01:15:44 They're doing it.They're the experts here, and...
1652 01:15:46 -And I trust them. -One, five...-Oh, well, that's very nice,
1653 01:15:48 but I don't. Can you unlockthat thing? There-there's
1654 01:15:50 a reason they're number 17and Northwestern's number one.
1655 01:15:52 And that's not because peopletrust them. Thank you.
1656 01:15:55 Wait, you think you're smarterthan me. You say big sentences.
1657 01:15:57 Okay, well, you're not.You're not.
1658 01:16:02 I don't thinkI'm smarter than you.
1659 01:16:04 You just don't thinkyou're as smart as I am.
1660 01:16:06 -That's not my fault.-Right, it's...
1661 01:16:08 It's never your fault.Everything's my fault.
1662 01:16:11 Oh, there are some thingsthat are definitely...
1663 01:16:13 Just your fault.
1664 01:16:16 Okay, that's-that's bullshit.
1665 01:16:19 You need to stop freaking outand calm down.
1666 01:16:21 And you needto stop being a coward.
1667 01:16:25 Right.
1668 01:16:26 The greatest hits coming back.
1669 01:16:28 Okay, you can just...Well, you can stop.
1670 01:16:30 I'll-I'll replaythe rest of this from memory.
1671 01:16:36 Yeah, don't... listen to me...
1672 01:17:04 Oh. You're giraffe-ing it.
1673 01:17:06 It's the biggest thing they had.
1674 01:17:08 I don't even knowif she likes giraffes.
1675 01:17:10 We never talked about...
1676 01:17:12 Giraffes.
1677 01:17:15 Hey, do they knowwhat they're doing?
1678 01:17:17 'Cause they don't tell usanything.
1679 01:17:19 Like, uh, lyme disease.You know, the girl
1680 01:17:21 on the real world had it.Did you guys look for that?
1681 01:17:24 -Yes, we did. -You know,she gets hurt all the time,
1682 01:17:26 and she messed up her anklerecently. Could that be lupus?
1683 01:17:29 Listen,we're looking into everything.
1684 01:17:31 We're not holding anythingback from you.
1685 01:17:33 We're still just eliminatingpossibilities.
1686 01:17:37 'Cause Beth wantsto move her to Northwestern.
1687 01:17:40 No. Emily should not be moved.
1688 01:17:43 The hospital will approve it,
1689 01:17:45 because it'll get the liabilityoff their hands.
1690 01:17:48 But we put her in a comafor a reason--
1691 01:17:50 to stabilize her.
1692 01:17:52 Moving hercould be very dangerous.
1693 01:17:55 Trust me, she is fighting this,and so are we.
1694 01:18:03 Hey, Terry,i-i was just talking to the n...
1695 01:18:06 -You okay?-Yeah.
1696 01:18:08 Yeah, of course.
1697 01:18:10 Fine. Totally fine.
1698 01:18:12 Just, uh...Beth went to Emily's, so, uh...
1699 01:18:15 I'm gonna wait heretill they kick me out, you know?
1700 01:18:18 Just-just keep an eye on her.
1701 01:18:27 Do you want to crashat my place?
1702 01:18:28 You got golf channel?
1703 01:18:30 No.
1704 01:18:32 That wasn't funny, right?
1705 01:18:34 Oh, I didn't... I thoughtthat was a serious question.
1706 01:18:37 Let's get the fuck out of here.
1707 01:18:44 So...
1708 01:18:46 This is the place.
1709 01:18:47 Huh. Wow.
1710 01:18:50 This place is terrible.
1711 01:18:57 Hey, uh, I talked to nurse Judy,
1712 01:19:00 and she was saying that, like,
1713 01:19:02 moving Emilycould be a bad idea.
1714 01:19:04 Really?
1715 01:19:06 Yeah, she saidit could be dangerous.
1716 01:19:10 Like, something...
1717 01:19:12 Yeah, i-i hear you.
1718 01:19:14 Hmm.
1719 01:19:17 I just...I'd give anything just to...
1720 01:19:20 Trade places with Emily.
1721 01:19:22 You know?
1722 01:19:25 Being a parent,it's-it's a nightmare.
1723 01:19:28 Loving somebody this much sucks.
1724 01:19:33 Yeah.
1725 01:19:34 And, uh,
1726 01:19:36 I guess you've noticedthe tension between Beth and me.
1727 01:19:41 Uh, not really.
1728 01:19:43 Uh, it's none of my business,
1729 01:19:45 -so I don't try to...-Yeah, no, it's...
1730 01:19:47 Uh, it's there.
1731 01:19:49 Big-time.
1732 01:19:51 It's getting really late.
1733 01:19:53 We should go to sleep.
1734 01:20:03 I cheated on her.
1735 01:20:05 Fuck.
1736 01:20:08 I did.
1737 01:20:10 It was just a one-night stand.
1738 01:20:12 -Okay. -We met at some barin Cincinnati.
1739 01:20:15 They-they havethese teacher conferences.
1740 01:20:18 Who goes to a math conferenceto get laid?
1741 01:20:22 Math teachers?
1742 01:20:23 Yeah.
1743 01:20:25 I-i think I was depressed.
1744 01:20:28 -That's what it was.-Yeah.
1745 01:20:30 Let's talk about it tomorrow.
1746 01:20:32 Get a full night's sleep,
1747 01:20:33 -tackle it freshin the morning... -She just
1748 01:20:35 smelled so good.
1749 01:20:40 It was horrible, too.
1750 01:20:42 As soon as I was finished,as soon as I finished,
1751 01:20:45 I was like,"what did you fucking do?!
1752 01:20:48 "What did you just do?!
1753 01:20:53 What did you do?!"
1754 01:20:57 You know, that-that, uh,
1755 01:20:59 moment of clarity you get,right after an orgasm.
1756 01:21:04 Yeah.
1757 01:21:07 I told Beth right away.
1758 01:21:08 I had to.
1759 01:21:10 She was devastated.
1760 01:21:13 And now she hates me.
1761 01:21:16 She might be mad at you, but...
1762 01:21:18 But she doesn't hate you.
1763 01:21:20 Should've heard the wayshe was talking about you.
1764 01:21:22 Mm.
1765 01:21:24 Hey, can I ask you something?
1766 01:21:28 Why'd you tell her?
1767 01:21:29 Oh, I had to.
1768 01:21:31 I'm no good with guilt.
1769 01:21:33 Do you guys talk about it?
1770 01:21:35 Not anymore.
1771 01:21:37 She said she forgave me,but-but, no...
1772 01:21:41 She hasn't.
1773 01:21:43 Let me give you some advice,kumail.
1774 01:21:48 You're gonna knowthe woman that you want to spend
1775 01:21:51 the rest of your life with
1776 01:21:54 when you cheat on her.
1777 01:21:56 When you cheat on herand you just feel like shit.
1778 01:22:02 So to fully know I love someone,
1779 01:22:04 I have to cheat on them?
1780 01:22:08 Out loud, it sounds stupid.
1781 01:22:12 Eh, it's...Yeah, that's terrible advice.
1782 01:22:16 Love...
1783 01:22:18 Love isn't easy.
1784 01:22:21 That's why they call it love.
1785 01:22:23 -I don't really get that either.-I know.
1786 01:22:26 I thought I could just startsaying something,
1787 01:22:28 and something smartwould come out.
1788 01:22:49 --Hey, did you see Terry?
1789 01:22:51 Yeah, I heard him leavethis morning.
1790 01:22:53 I'm going to subbies.You want anything?
1791 01:22:55 Nah, I'm good. Thank you.
1792 01:22:57 You don't want a hot dogor nothin'?
1793 01:22:58 Dude, it's 8:30 in the morning.
1794 01:23:00 Okay. No hot dog.
1795 01:23:04 Oh, hi.
1796 01:23:05 Oh, yeah, you can go right in.
1797 01:23:09 We just spoketo khadija's parents.
1798 01:23:11 -What are you doing here?-What is wrong with you, kumi?
1799 01:23:14 Nothing is wrong with me.I'm sorry.
1800 01:23:15 -Sorry? That's all you haveto say? -Okay, i-i don't...
1801 01:23:17 -I wasn't that into her.-Into her?
1802 01:23:18 -Yeah.-Do you know how difficult it is
1803 01:23:20 to get a appointment with her?
1804 01:23:22 She's in very high demand.
1805 01:23:23 -Okay, so?-So?
1806 01:23:25 Can we please talkabout this another time? I-i...
1807 01:23:27 No, no, kumi.We will talk about this now.
1808 01:23:31 We have sacrificed everythingfor you.
1809 01:23:33 I know. Okay?
1810 01:23:35 We have left our family.
1811 01:23:37 We have left our home.
1812 01:23:38 I have missed the birthof my sister's daughter.
1813 01:23:42 I have not seen my motherfor 15 years.
1814 01:23:46 Your father, he had to dohis graduate school again.
1815 01:23:51 He had to give exams again.
1816 01:23:53 I was in my mid-50s.
1817 01:23:55 They were in 20s. They usedto call me father time.
1818 01:23:59 Okay, okay. I know that.
1819 01:24:01 And i-i really appreciateeverything you did for me.
1820 01:24:05 But can we talk about thisanother time?
1821 01:24:08 Kumi, if you don't wantto be a lawyer, fine.
1822 01:24:11 If you want to dothe stand-up comedy
1823 01:24:13 and embarrass us as a family,fine.
1824 01:24:16 There is only one thing
1825 01:24:18 that we have ever askedfor you, kumi,
1826 01:24:21 that you be a good Muslimand you marry a Pakistani girl!
1827 01:24:24 That is it! One thing!
1828 01:24:27 Can I ask you something?
1829 01:24:29 Something that has never madesense to me.
1830 01:24:31 Why did you bring me hereif you wanted me
1831 01:24:33 to not have an American life?
1832 01:24:35 We come here, but we pretendlike we're still back there.
1833 01:24:38 -That's so stupid.-Don't you talk
1834 01:24:40 -to your mother like that.-You don't care what I think.
1835 01:24:42 You just want me to followthe rules.
1836 01:24:44 But the r... the rulesdon't make sense to me.
1837 01:24:52 I don't pray.
1838 01:24:54 I don't.
1839 01:24:56 I haven't prayed in years.
1840 01:24:59 I just go down there
1841 01:25:01 and I play video games.
1842 01:25:02 You don't believe in Allah?
1843 01:25:04 I don't knowwhat I believe, dad.
1844 01:25:05 I don't know.
1845 01:25:09 And I can't marry someoneyou find for me.
1846 01:25:12 And why not?
1847 01:25:16 Because I am in lovewith someone.
1848 01:25:18 I am.
1849 01:25:20 Her name is Emily
1850 01:25:22 and she's gonna be a therapist.
1851 01:25:24 And right now she's very sick.
1852 01:25:27 But I couldn't tell you that.
1853 01:25:29 It makes me so sad thati couldn't tell you any of that.
1854 01:25:35 I really appreciate everythingyou've done for me.
1855 01:25:38 I truly, truly, truly do.I really do.
1856 01:25:41 And I know islamhas been really good for you,
1857 01:25:44 and it has made you good people.
1858 01:25:46 But I don't know what I believe.
1859 01:25:50 I just need to figure it outon my own.
1860 01:25:53 You're not my son.
1861 01:25:57 Kumail.You're being selfish,
1862 01:26:00 you're not thinking about us.
1863 01:26:01 You're not thinking aboutkhadija, in fact,
1864 01:26:03 you're not even thinking aboutthat girl you are in love with.
1865 01:26:06 You think American dreamis doing just about
1866 01:26:09 whatever you want and notthinking about other people?
1867 01:26:11 You're wrong.
1868 01:26:13 You are wrong!
1869 01:26:19 Excuse us, please.
1870 01:26:21 Sorry. -Azmat:What's wrong with you, man?
1871 01:26:25 Hey.-Hey.
1872 01:26:27 I, uh, never went to the store.
1873 01:26:29 I was just listeningat the door.
1874 01:26:34 Hey... my mom kicked me outfor dealing weed at 16,
1875 01:26:37 so I get it, man.
1876 01:26:51 Hey.
1877 01:26:52 -Hey.-Hey, um, so,
1878 01:26:54 w-when are we gonna talkto Beth about this thing
1879 01:26:55 -that we talked about?-We-we-we're gonna move her,
1880 01:26:58 is what we're gonna do.
1881 01:27:00 What?
1882 01:27:02 -What? We're gonna move her.-What you...
1883 01:27:03 What are you talking about?
1884 01:27:04 You fucking caved?
1885 01:27:05 -I didn't cave.-You fucking caved?
1886 01:27:07 -I don't cave, okay?-Okay, okay, okay, okay.
1887 01:27:08 I know you don't, you don'tcave, you don't cave,
1888 01:27:10 you're great, but-but-butwe talked about this last night
1889 01:27:11 -and we decided-i know.
1890 01:27:13 -That it wasn't gonna bea good... -We're moving her.
1891 01:27:15 -No. What?-Yeah.
1892 01:27:16 -I-i told you whatthe nurse said. -She's right.
1893 01:27:18 Hey, Beth, um, the nursetold me that moving Emily
1894 01:27:19 could be a very bad idea.
1895 01:27:21 Well, Northwestern told usit could be very good.
1896 01:27:23 Well, they don't see her,this nurse sees her
1897 01:27:24 and she told me herself.
1898 01:27:26 That's okay, kumail,they don't need to see her.
1899 01:27:27 No, it's not okay! There.
1900 01:27:29 -That's...-I got it.
1901 01:27:30 That's a map of the garage.
1902 01:27:34 Don't...
1903 01:27:36 Wait, wait, wait.
1904 01:27:37 You want to be responsible?!
1905 01:27:39 Huh?!
1906 01:27:41 She could die!
1907 01:27:43 Kumail,
1908 01:27:45 we're responsible for herno matter what.
1909 01:27:48 We're her parents.
1910 01:27:50 Now, I'm sorry,we're moving her.
1911 01:28:02 Welcome to quick 'n hot.
1912 01:28:03 Can I take your order please?
1913 01:28:05 Yeah, um, can I get a burgerwith four slices of cheese?
1914 01:28:09 Four burgers.Anything else, sir?
1915 01:28:11 No, one burgerwith four slices of cheese.
1916 01:28:16 One...
1917 01:28:17 -One burger with four slice...-I'm sorry,
1918 01:28:19 we can't do that.
1919 01:28:20 Just put four slices of cheese
1920 01:28:23 on a burger.
1921 01:28:24 We can't do that.There's no button...
1922 01:28:26 Who the fuck is this "we," man?!
1923 01:28:27 Who the fuck is this "we"?!It's me and you!
1924 01:28:29 We're just people!
1925 01:28:31 Fucking listen to me!
1926 01:28:32 Fuck this corporate entity!
1927 01:28:33 Put four slices of cheese
1928 01:28:36 on the fucking burger!
1929 01:28:41 -We can't do that.-What the fuck?!
1930 01:28:43 You fucking idiot! Hey!
1931 01:28:45 Hey, look at me, look at me.
1932 01:28:47 'Cause I'm a human being, youare a human being. Look at me!
1933 01:28:50 Look me in the eyeswhen you fuck me!
1934 01:28:52 Look at me!
1935 01:28:53 Please!
1936 01:28:54 Today's my first day.
1937 01:28:56 Fuck you!
1938 01:29:07 I'll just ring you up
1939 01:29:09 for four burgers.
1940 01:29:13 I'm sorry.
1941 01:29:14 Do you want any friesor drink with that?
1942 01:29:19 I'll take four fries.
1943 01:29:22 I'm sorry.
1944 01:29:46 ...your lifedramatically. -
1945 01:29:48 um, so, then I startedkeeping this journal.
1946 01:29:51 And the journal is,like, you know,
1947 01:29:53 me overcompensatingand trying to act like
1948 01:29:57 I'm living this, like, cool,rock-and-roll lifestyle.
1949 01:30:01 When, in reality,I'm in third grade,
1950 01:30:03 crying all the time.
1951 01:30:05 Hey, man,Montreal finals-- you ready?
1952 01:30:08 Oh, wait, are you getting all,like, dark and moody
1953 01:30:10 before your set?
1954 01:30:12 Yeah, punish yourselflike a nasty, little baby.
1955 01:30:15 Okay, okay, I am notin the mood, okay, Chris?
1956 01:30:18 I'll get you in the mood.
1957 01:30:19 -You all right?-I'll get you all in the mood!
1958 01:30:21 Why is everybody sayingthe same fucking thing?
1959 01:30:23 -Yeah, I decide...-Dude, are you all right?
1960 01:30:24 Yeah, I'm doing great.
1961 01:30:26 Okay, all right, dude,I'm just checking on you.
1962 01:30:28 It would have stufflike, you know, like,
1963 01:30:30 an in-unit washer and dryer...
1964 01:30:34 The fuck have you been, man?
1965 01:30:35 You're on next.
1966 01:30:37 Okay, okay.
1967 01:30:39 Thank you, guys. I love you.
1968 01:30:43 Hello?
1969 01:30:44 Kumail, is that you?
1970 01:30:46 -Yeah.-It's Terry.
1971 01:30:48 Uh, listen,we're not moving her.
1972 01:30:51 The doctor...
1973 01:31:09 Have you guys heard of this newdrug cocktail called cheese?
1974 01:31:13 Like, that's the name of it,it's called cheese.
1975 01:31:16 Um... I saw all these newsreports, and they were like,
1976 01:31:19 "there's a new drug,it's called cheese.
1977 01:31:21 Everyone's doing it in themidwest, kids are doing it."
1978 01:31:31 It's just really hardto do stand-up comedy
1979 01:31:33 when your girlfriendis in a coma.
1980 01:31:37 Uh...
1981 01:31:39 Not quite sure what partyou were laughing at.
1982 01:31:45 They say she's fighting,but she doesn't look like
1983 01:31:46 she's fighting,she looks like she's just...
1984 01:31:48 She looks likeshe's just laying there.
1985 01:31:52 I said horrible things to her,and, um,
1986 01:31:56 I said horrible things to her,i h... I hurt her.
1987 01:31:59 Um...
1988 01:32:01 She loves birds.
1989 01:32:02 Like, she gets excitedevery time she sees a bird.
1990 01:32:04 She's like,
1991 01:32:05 "look at this, it's a bird."
1992 01:32:07 I'm always like, "yeah,they're all over the place.
1993 01:32:09 They're birds."
1994 01:32:10 But she, like...
1995 01:32:12 She likes that bird, you know?
1996 01:32:13 Every bird she sees,she sees it.
1997 01:32:20 Her dad just called and saidthat they can't transfer her...
1998 01:32:26 ...because the infectionhas reached her heart.
1999 01:32:31 Uh...
2000 01:32:34 Which...
2001 01:32:35 Which means she...
2002 01:32:40 ...which means she could die.
2003 01:32:49 I don't know if you can hear meor not, but...
2004 01:32:55 ...it would be really goodif you pulled through.
2005 01:33:01 If you have to go,you can go, but...
2006 01:33:05 It would be really greatif you stayed.
2007 01:33:08 Uh...
2008 01:33:09 And I'm really sorryfor what I did, okay?
2009 01:33:46 Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.
2010 01:33:48 Dr. Singh,to the pharmacy.
2011 01:34:10 --Mom.
2012 01:34:13 You're getting your tearsall over me.
2013 01:34:16 When am I gonna be ableto feel my face?
2014 01:34:18 Hmm.
2015 01:34:19 Hey, you gave usquite a scare there, scout.
2016 01:34:21 -Really.-Scout?
2017 01:34:22 Come on, I call you thatall the time.
2018 01:34:24 -No, not since I was a grown-up.-Yes, I do.
2019 01:34:26 I've been calling you thatmy whole life.
2020 01:34:29 Oh, oh, oh, oh!
2021 01:34:30 - Oh.
2022 01:34:32 -Sorry, hon.-What's happening?
2023 01:34:34 -You okay, you all right?-What is that crap?
2024 01:34:36 We have to thickenyour liquids for a bit.
2025 01:34:38 Your esophagus isn't strongenough to swallow yet.
2026 01:34:40 - That shit tastes like semen.
2027 01:34:41 That's nice
2028 01:34:43 - for a father to hear.- She won't have
2029 01:34:45 any social inhibitions untilthe... the anesthetic wears off.
2030 01:34:47 Seriously, mom,you should try this.
2031 01:34:47 - No, wait a minute, honey.- Stop saying that.
2032 01:34:50 -Not the cup. -Terry: Oh,come on, come on, come on.
2033 01:34:52 They'll charge us $48 for it,don't worry about it.
2034 01:34:57 Why are you here?
2035 01:34:59 I.. I haven't heardher voice in awhile.
2036 01:35:01 He's been, he's been herethe whole time.
2037 01:35:03 Could I speak with youboth... outside?
2038 01:35:06 Yeah.
2039 01:35:07 We'll be right back.
2040 01:35:08 - Yeah, we'll be right outside.- All right.
2041 01:35:16 - Hey.
2042 01:35:19 Emily has a rarecondition called
2043 01:35:20 adult-onset still's disease.
2044 01:35:22 Kumail mentionedEmily's hurt ankle,
2045 01:35:26 and the swellingstill hadn't gone down
2046 01:35:27 even after several days in bed,
2047 01:35:29 -which is strange.-Mm.
2048 01:35:31 Still's disease is when the bodythinks healthy tissue
2049 01:35:34 is an infectionso it tries to fight it.
2050 01:35:37 -Uh-huh. -It's like a bigbiological misunderstanding.
2051 01:35:40 -Yeah, yeah.-So,
2052 01:35:42 we gave her anti-inflammatoriesand she stabilized within hours.
2053 01:35:44 She's gonna take timeto recover,
2054 01:35:47 but she'll be fine.
2055 01:35:49 - Wow. --Full recovery.
2056 01:35:51 What are you doing here?
2057 01:35:54 I was visiting someonedown the hall,
2058 01:35:56 and I was, like,I'll just pop in
2059 01:35:57 -and say hi to Emily.-Oh.
2060 01:35:59 Oh, I'm joking.I'm here for you.
2061 01:36:01 You're an asshole,and I don't like you.
2062 01:36:05 I'm not an asshole.I'm really not.
2063 01:36:08 -Oh, no, you're an asshole.-You have a lot of drugs in you,
2064 01:36:10 so you're, like,not thinking as clearly.
2065 01:36:12 No, dawg,I'm not joking.
2066 01:36:15 You're not funny to me.
2067 01:36:17 You just make me sad.
2068 01:36:19 You make me sadinside of my heart,
2069 01:36:21 and it makes me sadto look at you.
2070 01:36:22 So I think you shouldprobably go.
2071 01:36:28 Just go, and tell my momi want her.
2072 01:36:33 Will you please get my mom?
2073 01:36:39 -I'm so sorry about that.-Yeah, it's fine. Yeah.
2074 01:36:43 Um, Emily wants to see you.
2075 01:36:45 Oh.
2076 01:36:48 Um, I'm gonna head out.
2077 01:36:51 I don't thinki should be here.
2078 01:36:53 Uh, kumail,here's the thing.
2079 01:36:55 Your living condition,it's, uh...
2080 01:36:58 It's a potential health risk.
2081 01:37:01 And you're not that funny.
2082 01:37:04 But you're probably not suitedto do anything else either,
2083 01:37:08 so that's troublesome.
2084 01:37:10 You really made it soundlike you were gonna
2085 01:37:12 say something positive there.
2086 01:37:14 Yeah, I guess I did,didn't I?
2087 01:37:16 Well, you know...
2088 01:37:20 You know I knowthe good stuff.
2089 01:37:21 I know the good stuff.
2090 01:37:22 I don't know, so you know...
2091 01:37:24 You know how I feel.I got to...
2092 01:37:26 -I got to get in.-Yeah.
2093 01:37:31 What'd I miss?What'd I miss?
2094 01:37:33 Brick on top ofthe grilled cheese and...
2095 01:37:34 Yeah.
2096 01:37:36 Yeah, I want that.
2097 01:37:38 -Be right back.-Bacon or something...
2098 01:37:42 -Hey.-Hey.
2099 01:37:44 So you're gonna hang aroundChicago for a while?
2100 01:37:47 Yeah.
2101 01:37:48 -She's got physical therapy.-Oh.
2102 01:37:51 Did you ever thinkyou'd be excited
2103 01:37:53 to have your daughtergo through physical therapy?
2104 01:37:58 It's so strangethat we could go through
2105 01:37:59 one of the most intenseexperiences
2106 01:38:01 of our lives togetherand just...
2107 01:38:03 Just never see each other again.
2108 01:38:06 Maybe.
2109 01:38:12 But I hope not.
2110 01:38:27 ...threw a bird at youand then ran away,
2111 01:38:29 and you're, like,"oh, crap!
2112 01:38:30 I own a bird now!"
2113 01:38:31 Hi, little sad man.
2114 01:38:34 Mopey boy.
2115 01:38:35 -Hey.-We have something to tell you.
2116 01:38:37 Yes. Tell him.
2117 01:38:38 -We're moving to New York.-New York.
2118 01:38:40 -What?-Mm-hmm.
2119 01:38:41 And we want youto come with us.
2120 01:38:43 Are you serious?
2121 01:38:45 You got to do it.It's gonna suck at first,
2122 01:38:47 but we're gonna have each other,
2123 01:38:47 -and maybe we'll eventually getpaid to write jokes. -Mm-hmm.
2124 01:38:50 It's gonna be the best.Come on, dude.
2125 01:38:52 You have to come.I know you did not
2126 01:38:54 get Montreal,and that is only because
2127 01:38:56 you did one of the worst setsI've ever seen
2128 01:38:59 in my goddamn life.
2129 01:39:01 - Yeah.- It was nonsense.
2130 01:39:02 A living disgrace.
2131 01:39:04 I would call it shit,but I would be worried
2132 01:39:07 that I'd be insultingactual shit.
2133 01:39:09 Yeah, it was sobone-chilling to me,
2134 01:39:12 I thought a ghost hadpassed right through me.
2135 01:39:14 We don't have to keepgoing over
2136 01:39:15 how bad the set was.
2137 01:39:17 I saw their faces
2138 01:39:18 and the noisesthey didn't make.
2139 01:39:19 - I felt one of my eggs die.
2140 01:39:21 Doesn't that happen,like, every month?
2141 01:39:22 It happens every month, kumail,
2142 01:39:24 but I don't alwaysfeel it and go.
2143 01:39:31 -And that's what you made me do.-Yeah.
2144 01:39:33 I'm packing my things up,and I'm moving to New York,
2145 01:39:36 and guess what, baby.You're coming with me.
2146 01:39:39 What about Chris?
2147 01:39:41 Have you ever seen a pigeon
2148 01:39:42 try and pick upanother pigeon?
2149 01:39:43 He will be fine.
2150 01:39:45 There's not enough roomin the car, probably.
2151 01:39:48 We leave in a week.All right?
2152 01:39:49 And I already called shotgun,Chicago to Pittsburgh.
2153 01:39:52 Do not fuck this up.
2154 01:39:53 Your destiny awaits.
2155 01:39:54 This'll be the biggestmove of your life,
2156 01:39:56 other than the onefrom Pakistan.
2157 01:39:58 Yeah.
2158 01:40:00 I didn't have any kindof epiphany or anything...
2159 01:40:02 Hey, clink, clink, clink,
2160 01:40:04 clink, clink.
2161 01:40:05 Hey, everybody.
2162 01:40:06 Thank you for coming.
2163 01:40:07 I just want to saya couple, uh...
2164 01:40:09 A couple of words here.
2165 01:40:11 Mom, why is kumail here?
2166 01:40:13 'Cause he was therethe whole time, you know.
2167 01:40:15 I invited the nurses,i invited him.
2168 01:40:19 And, um, for...
2169 01:40:21 Emily, come on up,come on up here.
2170 01:40:21 -I want to say something.I want to say something. -Dad.
2171 01:40:25 Talk amongst yourselves.
2172 01:40:26 - This might take a...
2173 01:40:29 Emily successfully peeledan orange this morning.
2174 01:40:32 - Dad!- -Yeah.
2175 01:40:33 It was... it was a Clementine.
2176 01:40:35 Full disclosure, a Clementine.
2177 01:40:37 It's those little onesthat, you know,
2178 01:40:39 a baby monkey could peel it,
2179 01:40:41 but, uh, but she did it.
2180 01:40:43 And-and yeah, so that's all.We just...
2181 01:40:46 Thank you, everybody.Hey...
2182 01:40:50 Hi.
2183 01:40:54 I like your cane.
2184 01:40:56 -I heard pimpin' ain't easy.-Right.
2185 01:40:59 Hey, could we talkfor a second?
2186 01:41:01 Sure.
2187 01:41:08 So I've been collectingsome things, uh,
2188 01:41:10 that are important to me,
2189 01:41:11 and I wanted toshow them to you.
2190 01:41:14 I call this my bagof devotion.
2191 01:41:18 Uh, so this is, uh,all the visitor passes
2192 01:41:23 from when I visited youwhen you were in the,
2193 01:41:26 um...
2194 01:41:35 So... these are the tickets
2195 01:41:39 from when your parents cameto see me perform,
2196 01:41:41 and, uh, I... I realizedhow great they are,
2197 01:41:44 and how great you are,
2198 01:41:48 and how great honesty is.
2199 01:41:54 What did you do?
2200 01:41:56 Did you cremate someone?
2201 01:41:58 These are the ashesof all the Pakistani women--
2202 01:42:01 not the women-- the picturesof the Pakistani women.
2203 01:42:06 I thought this was a good idea,and it feels kind of...
2204 01:42:10 It feels a little stupid.
2205 01:42:20 I know I wasa terrible boyfriend...
2206 01:42:25 But I have changed.
2207 01:42:26 And I am the personyou need me to be.
2208 01:42:28 I really am.
2209 01:42:30 So...
2210 01:42:33 Will you take me back?
2211 01:42:37 Kumail, I'm really gladthat you...
2212 01:42:41 Went through thisexperience...
2213 01:42:45 But you haveto understand that
2214 01:42:47 that all happenedwhen I was asleep.
2215 01:42:49 Like, you felt one waya few weeks ago,
2216 01:42:53 and now you're saying you feelthe total opposite way.
2217 01:42:55 And the only thingthat's changed
2218 01:42:56 is that I was in a coma.
2219 01:42:58 Honestly, i-i...
2220 01:43:01 I look at all of this,and I just think,
2221 01:43:04 you know, I just can'tdo it again.
2222 01:43:05 -And I can't...-I...
2223 01:43:07 I can't be the reasonthat you don't have a family.
2224 01:43:15 It just feelstotally different now.
2225 01:43:18 And I can't do that again.
2226 01:43:23 Do you understand?
2227 01:43:29 -Okay.-Okay?
2228 01:43:30 - Okay.
2229 01:44:42 Sorry.
2230 01:44:44 Ma.
2231 01:44:45 Dad.
2232 01:44:48 Fatima. Bhai. Kya haal hai?
2233 01:44:49 Oh, there's no plate.
2234 01:44:54 Oh.
2235 01:44:57 Oh, I forgot, um,I've decided
2236 01:45:00 I won't let youkick me out of the family.
2237 01:45:02 Since I'm a memberof the family,
2238 01:45:04 it would stand to reasonthat I would get a vote
2239 01:45:06 in whether or noti get kicked out,
2240 01:45:08 and that vote would haveto be unanimous--
2241 01:45:10 standard parliamentaryprocedure.
2242 01:45:11 So, all those in favorof not kicking kumail
2243 01:45:15 out of the family,raise your hand.
2244 01:45:19 Great. Motion to kick kumailout of the family denied.
2245 01:45:22 So you guys canjust talk to me.
2246 01:45:26 Okay, you're giving methe silent treatment.
2247 01:45:29 I figured that was whatwas gonna happen.
2248 01:45:32 I have a solution.
2249 01:45:33 So, "hi, how are you?"
2250 01:45:36 That's just a real basic one.You know.
2251 01:45:38 "Pass the salt." Practical.
2252 01:45:43 "Always with the comedy."
2253 01:45:45 Mom, made that onespecially for you.
2254 01:45:49 "Kumail, how did you becomeso much more handsome
2255 01:45:52 than your brother naveed?"
2256 01:45:54 Bullshit.
2257 01:46:00 I admit,this one is designed
2258 01:46:01 to stir up some controversy.
2259 01:46:05 "It's interestinghow you can't really
2260 01:46:07 "kick someone outof your family, because
2261 01:46:10 they will always beyour family."
2262 01:46:14 I agree with that one.
2263 01:46:15 That's a good one.
2264 01:46:17 So, I'm gonna leave thesehere for you.
2265 01:46:26 I am sorry I liedabout the girls
2266 01:46:29 and the lsat and all that.
2267 01:46:30 That was wrong.
2268 01:46:32 And one more thing.
2269 01:46:33 I'm moving to New Yorkto pursue stand-up,
2270 01:46:37 but I am not leavingthis family.
2271 01:47:00 My parents, um, they wantme to get arranged marriage.
2272 01:47:04 Or, as it's, uh,called in Pakistan, romance!
2273 01:47:07 --And earliertoday, I told them everything.
2274 01:47:10 I told them about my life,i told them about Emily.
2275 01:47:13 They kicked meout of the family.
2276 01:47:16 I may nevertalk to them again.
2277 01:47:18 - So that happened.
2278 01:47:20 - What is it?- Can I come in?
2279 01:47:23 Okay.
2280 01:47:25 I swear, you and dad are justlike my freshman year roommate,
2281 01:47:28 but instead of just,like, boning random dudes,
2282 01:47:30 you're just parentingall the time.
2283 01:47:33 All over the place.
2284 01:47:36 In every room of the house.
2285 01:47:38 Including right next to me.
2286 01:47:43 We got to go.
2287 01:47:45 Home?
2288 01:47:47 -No.-Yeah.
2289 01:47:48 It's time.
2290 01:47:51 I'm not ready.
2291 01:47:53 Yeah, you know what?
2292 01:47:54 You're strong.
2293 01:47:56 And you are.
2294 01:48:02 And we would go to the mosqueand hear graphic details
2295 01:48:04 of religious peoplebeing killed 1,400 years ago.
2296 01:48:07 I mean like,Tarantino-esque details,
2297 01:48:10 --and everyonewould be crying,
2298 01:48:12 like, competing to seewho could cry the hardest.
2299 01:48:15 And I could never cry.
2300 01:48:17 And I was like, what is wrongwith me? Am I broken?
2301 01:48:19 The only timeI've cried that much
2302 01:48:21 is duringthe first 15 minutes of up.
2303 01:48:25 This is a picture of meand my mother.
2304 01:48:27 I'm seven years old.
2305 01:48:29 You know people, they talkabout the, the New York water.
2306 01:48:32 Chicago wateris very underrated, I think.
2307 01:48:34 It's good.
2308 01:48:35 Hey, guys.
2309 01:48:37 I think I mightjust pop out for a bit.
2310 01:48:40 What, by yourself?
2311 01:48:42 Yeah, just...Hop around the block.
2312 01:48:44 Maybe get somefrozen yogurt.
2313 01:48:46 You okay? Can you do it?
2314 01:48:47 Can you walk by yourself?
2315 01:48:49 -Yeah, dad.-All right.
2316 01:48:50 -Have fun. -If you feela coma coming on, call us.
2317 01:48:53 - Dad, it's too soon. -Right.
2318 01:48:56 I love you,I'll see you in the morning.
2319 01:48:58 -Love you.-Okay. -Bye.
2320 01:48:59 Love you. Bye.
2321 01:49:00 Have fun.-I will.
2322 01:49:02 Got your phone?-Yep.
2323 01:49:06 - But you liked it, huh?-Yeah.
2324 01:49:08 I mean...
2325 01:49:10 Yeah.
2326 01:49:12 I mean...
2327 01:49:16 Hey.
2328 01:49:18 Hi.
2329 01:49:21 -What are you doing here?-Uh...
2330 01:49:23 I was in the neighborhood,and I saw
2331 01:49:25 that you were gonnabe here, so...
2332 01:49:27 I, I thought I'd come say hi.
2333 01:49:30 You look great.
2334 01:49:32 How's your blood oxygen level?
2335 01:49:33 Oh, well within range.
2336 01:49:35 - Nice.
2337 01:49:39 Um, this is my brother, naveed.
2338 01:49:43 -Hi. Hi.-Hi. I'm Emily.
2339 01:49:45 I've heard lots about you.
2340 01:49:48 -It's so goodto finally meet you. -Yeah.
2341 01:49:52 There's actuallysomething I wanted to, uh,
2342 01:49:55 tell you.
2343 01:49:59 Okay, well, I'm gonna just...
2344 01:50:03 -Good-bye.-Bye.
2345 01:50:05 See you, bhai.
2346 01:50:18 Are you warm enough?
2347 01:50:21 Yeah, yeah.I got my two pairs of socks on.
2348 01:50:55 Do you mind?
2349 01:50:59 No.
2350 01:51:10 I'm gladwe're going home tomorrow.
2351 01:51:13 Me, too.
2352 01:51:15 See? I should'vebrushed my teeth.
2353 01:51:19 I like it.
2354 01:51:21 When somethinglike this happens,
2355 01:51:23 there's this sort of expectationthat you're gonna
2356 01:51:25 have this completely,like, new lease on life,
2357 01:51:29 and... feel totally differentabout everything,
2358 01:51:32 and, like,Cherish every sunrise,
2359 01:51:36 and, like, for the most part,
2360 01:51:39 I just feel like, ugh,i can't get up that early.
2361 01:51:41 You know?
2362 01:51:46 I-I'm sorry,i feel like I've been talking
2363 01:51:47 -about myself so much.-No...
2364 01:51:49 Are you doing a lot of stand-up?
2365 01:51:51 -Are you...-Yeah. I, uh...
2366 01:51:53 Bombed my Montrealcomedy festival audition.
2367 01:51:57 Like, horrifically, like...
2368 01:51:59 I saw the video.
2369 01:52:01 --Yeah.
2370 01:52:03 -It wasn't great.-No... no.
2371 01:52:04 I'll be honest with you,
2372 01:52:06 -it wasn't great.-No.
2373 01:52:07 -I know.-But there was a lot I liked.
2374 01:52:09 Like a, like a lot I liked.
2375 01:52:16 I'm moving to New York.
2376 01:52:21 Really?
2377 01:52:23 Yeah, um...
2378 01:52:25 Mary and cj and I are, like...
2379 01:52:29 Just gonna drive out, and wehave a place all ready, and...
2380 01:52:35 When do you leave?
2381 01:52:36 Next weekend.
2382 01:52:38 I, I'm so excited for you.
2383 01:52:40 That is so great.
2384 01:52:41 Like, you are goingto do just...
2385 01:52:44 Do so great in New York.
2386 01:52:49 What were you gonna say?
2387 01:52:51 What?
2388 01:52:53 You said you were gonnasay something to me.
2389 01:52:56 What was it?
2390 01:53:00 Oh, just that I, um,i wanted to thank you.
2391 01:53:04 Uh, my parents told meeverything that you did for me,
2392 01:53:06 and I feel likethe last time we spoke,
2393 01:53:09 I didn't properly thank you,so...
2394 01:53:10 Oh.
2395 01:53:12 Yeah.
2396 01:53:15 Totally fine.
2397 01:53:16 I should probably go.
2398 01:53:18 -Do you want to call an uber?-No, I'm gonna walk, actually.
2399 01:53:21 So, this has been really great.
2400 01:53:25 All right.
2401 01:53:26 Okay, bye.
2402 01:53:28 Yeah.
2403 01:53:35 The scene is gonna be, like,so different with you guys gone.
2404 01:53:38 Well, you should come out.
2405 01:53:41 No, I'm, I'm good here.
2406 01:53:44 -I'm gonna miss you.-I'm gonna miss you.
2407 01:53:48 -Get out of here, you assholes.-All right.
2408 01:53:50 Come here, you big dummy.
2409 01:53:53 - Bye.- I'll miss you.
2410 01:54:00 You're still kicked outof the family.
2411 01:54:03 But because we did notget a proper chance
2412 01:54:05 to say bye to you, so...
2413 01:54:08 Your motheris so angry with you.
2414 01:54:11 She's not going to getout of the car,
2415 01:54:12 she's not even goingto look at you.
2416 01:54:14 I don't believe that you keptso much a secret
2417 01:54:16 from me, your father.
2418 01:54:18 Sorry.
2419 01:54:20 Here.
2420 01:54:23 She asked meto give this to you.
2421 01:54:24 Modern biryani.
2422 01:54:26 For your trip.
2423 01:54:28 Your favorite.
2424 01:54:30 She made it herself, speciallyfor you, with extra potatoes.
2425 01:54:35 Thank you, ma!
2426 01:54:38 -Is she okay?-Right now?
2427 01:54:40 No.
2428 01:54:42 I'll miss you.
2429 01:54:44 I'm forbiddenfrom hugging you, so...
2430 01:54:48 It was nice to have youas my son.
2431 01:54:52 Good-bye forever.
2432 01:54:55 And do me a favor,when you reach New York,
2433 01:54:57 just text us
2434 01:54:59 and tell us thatyou've reached safely, okay?
2435 01:55:03 I will.
2436 01:55:04 Dad, can I ask you something?
2437 01:55:08 When you and momwent on your first date,
2438 01:55:11 what movie did you see?
2439 01:55:12 Satte pe satta.
2440 01:55:20 Our favorite song.
2441 01:55:21 Why you asking?
2442 01:55:24 I was just curious.
2443 01:55:26 Okay.
2444 01:55:45 - Let's do it.- Let's do it. -Okay. -All right.
2445 01:55:47 -See you later, dudes.-Let's do it. -See you.
2446 01:55:49 -Hey, we'll text. -Ow.-Ooh, sorry. -Yeah, please do.
2447 01:55:55 So the first time I came to America, I was, like, 14,
2448 01:55:59 and I was just visiting my uncle in New York,
2449 01:56:01 and it just happened to be Thanksgiving.
2450 01:56:03 My first day in America, my uncle took me
2451 01:56:05 to the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade.
2452 01:56:08 - -And I was like, this is every day in America!
2453 01:56:12 As advertised.
2454 01:56:15 Every day, they have a party celebrating Garfield.
2455 01:56:19 No day has lived up to that day.
2456 01:56:22 I was, uh, lying to my parents,
2457 01:56:26 I was telling themi was gonna be a lawyer.
2458 01:56:28 And they're very disappointed,
2459 01:56:29 - 'cause they wanted meto be a doctor. -
2460 01:56:32 and you guys are like,why didn't you just tell them
2461 01:56:33 that you wanted to be a doctor?
2462 01:56:35 It's a lie anyway, and I'm like,well, it has to be believable.
2463 01:56:38 If I told them"i want to be a doctor,"
2464 01:56:40 - they'd be like, "bullshit."
2465 01:56:41 If I said "lawyer,"they're like, "oh, okay.
2466 01:56:44 That's something."
2467 01:56:46 'Cause there'sa strict hierarchy.
2468 01:56:47 It's, doctor, engineer, lawyer,
2469 01:56:50 hundreds of jobs,
2470 01:56:52 Isis, then comedian.
2471 01:57:00 Ah, I'm sorry.
2472 01:57:03 It's very rudeto heckle comedians.
2473 01:57:05 Oh, that wasn't a heckle.
2474 01:57:06 I just kind ofwhoo-hoo'd for you.
2475 01:57:08 Well, see,that's a common misconception.
2476 01:57:09 Heckling doesn't haveto be negative.
2477 01:57:11 So if I was like, "oh, my god,you're amazing in bed!"
2478 01:57:14 - That would be a...
2479 01:57:15 ...heckle?
2480 01:57:17 Yeah, and now you're gettingmore laughs than me,
2481 01:57:19 and I don't like that.
2482 01:57:20 You want to come up, do my job?
2483 01:57:22 Let's talk about...
2484 01:57:23 So, are youfrom out of town, ma'am?
2485 01:57:25 -Chicago.-Ooh, windy city.
2486 01:57:28 And what brings you to New York?
2487 01:57:31 -Here to see someone.-And, um...
2488 01:57:33 Have you seen him?Or her? I mean, I don't...
2489 01:57:36 I don't knowwhat your deal is, but...
2490 01:57:39 Yeah, I've seen him.
