年度老爸 Father of the Year(EN)Subtitles

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1 00:00:46 [dog barking]
2 00:00:47 Dude, we should've just gonestraight to New York.
3 00:00:50 Come on, man. He's your dad, all right?You can handle this.
4 00:00:56 [Larry] Oh.
5 00:00:58 There's the man himself.
6 00:01:00 Does he live down there?
7 00:01:01 I mean, it's technically his basement. So,like, he spends a little time down there.
8 00:01:06 [Larry] He's taking out your littlebaby mattress. That's sweet.
9 00:01:09 No way does he think I'm gonna sleep onthat thing. It looks like it has eczema.
10 00:01:13 [Larry] There's two sides.You could just flip it over.
11 00:01:16 [Ben chuckles]
12 00:01:22 Great, dude. Now he's texting me. [scoffs]
13 00:01:26 It's gonna be okay,
14 00:01:27 I'm gonna go in there with you,all right? Come on.
15 00:01:33 Hey, Dad.
16 00:01:34 Hey, Ben. I was just texting you.
17 00:01:37 -Look at this kid. My college graduate.-Aw, yeah.
18 00:01:40 Get in here! I'm so proud of you, man.
19 00:01:42 [laughs]
20 00:01:43 -Hey, uh, did you get those Q-tips?-No, we were already here.
21 00:01:47 Ah.
22 00:01:49 -Sort of a 911 situation with my ears.-Well...
23 00:01:53 Hey, what about the, uh, six-pack?Any news?
24 00:01:55 We were already here, Dad. So...
25 00:01:57 -Ah, you fucked me. I'm kiddin' ya.-Yeah.
26 00:01:59 -Who is this asshole?-Hey!
27 00:02:01 Lawrence, I know you.Got any Q-tips on you?
28 00:02:04 Nope, I don't.
29 00:02:05 Nothing in the car?
30 00:02:06 I don't carry Q-tips.
31 00:02:07 We'll figure it out.
32 00:02:10 Here we are. So, valetutorian?
33 00:02:13 [stutters] Wait, what is that again?
34 00:02:15 Valedictorian. It means that Benwas the smartest kid in our whole school.
35 00:02:20 Of Western New Hampshire College.
36 00:02:22 It's like being a turd in a urinal.
37 00:02:24 Don't always downplay it, okay?
38 00:02:25 You're smarterthan those Ivy League pricks,
39 00:02:27 and you came from nothing,just complete shit.
40 00:02:32 Hey, now why didn't I getinvited to the graduation?
41 00:02:35 Oh, no parents were invited, Dad.
42 00:02:37 Did your mother go?
43 00:02:39 No.
44 00:02:40 She fuckin' went!
45 00:02:41 -What the fuck, Ben?-No...
46 00:02:43 I didn't invite her, all right? She justhad a layover from her flight to Antigua
47 00:02:46 with the Cirque du Soleil guy,and they just showed up.
48 00:02:49 Mr. O'Malley, I love that you still havethe patio furniture on the inside.
49 00:02:53 Yeah, Larry, that's a good eye.It's indoor-outdoor.
50 00:02:56 I appreciate the flexibilityit affords me.
51 00:02:58 Speaking of that, uh,how's the work search going?
52 00:03:00 Oh, that. That's actually not going well.It's 'cause of my disability.
53 00:03:05 Being colorblind is not a disability.
54 00:03:08 I told a black joke to a black guy.It's a disability.
55 00:03:12 It could certainly lead to a disability.
56 00:03:15 You know, Lawrence, I was thinking,
57 00:03:16 if everyone was colorblind,maybe we'd all get along better.
58 00:03:21 Wow, that was actually...That makes a lot of sense.
59 00:03:23 It does? I don't even know what I said.
60 00:03:27 I think that was an accident.What did you say?
61 00:03:30 I... You... It was what you said.
62 00:03:31 -I got a surprise for you. Follow me.-Okay.
63 00:03:40 [laughing]
64 00:03:42 Whoo!
65 00:03:43 Oh, this is nice! [laughs]Get in here, you pussies.
66 00:03:47 I didn't bring a bathing suit, so...
67 00:03:49 Problem solved.
68 00:03:50 What are you doing?
69 00:03:51 -Dad, leave 'em on.-Oh, no.
70 00:03:52 This is a good one.
71 00:03:54 Ugh!
72 00:03:55 It's got the netting inside.Hugs your nuts. It's nice.
73 00:03:58 Cool.
74 00:03:59 What about you?
75 00:04:00 Yeah, I don't want your beanbagfloating into me, so I'm good.
76 00:04:03 Dude, your whole body came flyingout of my dick at one point.
77 00:04:06 Now you're scared of it?That's hysterical.
78 00:04:09 It ain't gonna suck you back in. Relax.
79 00:04:11 Larry, make yourself useful.Get my little Jacuzzi jets over there.
80 00:04:14 Let's get the party going.
81 00:04:16 So, what's the valeclitoriandoing tonight? You're going drinking?
82 00:04:19 We're going to the Roadhouse.
83 00:04:21 Fuck the Roadhouse! Go to the Wombat!
84 00:04:23 Dad, the Wombat's been closedfor ten years.
85 00:04:26 You think I give a fuck?You don't know me very well.
86 00:04:31 Well, this seems really dangerous.
87 00:04:33 So have fun celebrating, boys.
88 00:04:36 You worked your asses off. You deserve it.We'll just meet back here tonight.
89 00:04:40 Actually, I think we're gonna stayat PJ's tonight.
90 00:04:42 Who the fuck is PJ?
91 00:04:44 The Christian Science kid, Dad.
92 00:04:46 You used to whip batteries at him,and tell him Christ did it.
93 00:04:49 That kid? You'd rather hang outwith a scientist than me?
94 00:04:53 Yeah, it's just easier, Dad,
95 00:04:55 we're only staying for a couple weeks.
96 00:04:56 You're only here a couple weeks?
97 00:04:58 Yeah, Larry and I are off to New York.
98 00:05:01 I got that job at ISG.I told you about this.
99 00:05:03 You'd be proud. He got picked out of,like, 2,000 applicants.
100 00:05:06 Well, that's great. That is great.
101 00:05:09 New York's so fucking far.You got a job there?
102 00:05:12 Uh, no... Not at the moment, no.
103 00:05:14 The fuck you going for?
104 00:05:16 I don't know. I've just never been before.It'd be something new.
105 00:05:19 Goddamn. Give him some room, dude.Let him breathe. You're smothering him.
106 00:05:25 -Oh, shit. Is that the lady?-Yeah, it's the lady.
107 00:05:27 -She owns the truck. Hide!-What?
108 00:05:29 It's her truck.
109 00:05:49 Stop.
110 00:05:51 What's happ--
111 00:05:55 Oh!
112 00:05:58 [grunts]
113 00:06:00 [groans] Oh, my God!
114 00:06:06 -Whoa, what's up, guys?-Hey, welcome home.
115 00:06:10 Nathan, buddy.What's with the new look?
116 00:06:13 He's trying to join a biker gang.
117 00:06:14 Oh, shit. You can ride a motorcycle?
118 00:06:16 I'm learning.
119 00:06:18 Aren't biker gangs super racist though?
120 00:06:20 Well, so far these guys are really nice.No signs of that.
121 00:06:24 What's up with you, PJ?
122 00:06:25 I accidentally looked down my mom's shirtthe other day.
123 00:06:28 -It happens.-It's no big deal.
124 00:06:30 I'm pretty sure it was by accident,but I'm not 100% sure.
125 00:06:33 So, I'm gonna getpsychologically analyzed.
126 00:06:36 Okay.
127 00:06:37 I gotta find out.
128 00:06:38 -You trying to grow a mustache?-No, I've grown a mustache.
129 00:06:42 I'm surprised you guyscan even recognize me.
130 00:06:46 -Who wants shots?-Yes!
131 00:06:47 -Me, too.-Yeah.
132 00:06:48 [Ben] Six bucks a shot?That's fuckin' bullshit.
133 00:06:51 You know what else is bullshit?How expensive condoms are.
134 00:06:55 Yeah, I can't afford to haveconsistent sex right now.
135 00:06:58 Oh, yeah, money's the reason.
136 00:07:00 [PJ] It is, dude. 100%.
137 00:07:03 [Larry] That looks pretty good.
138 00:07:04 You know what you can do?You can get latex gloves,
139 00:07:06 'cause they are pretty much the same priceand then you can use 'em five times.
140 00:07:11 Wait, are you even allowedto use condoms in Christian Science? Fuck, yeah, we can. Just not for sex.
141 00:07:18 Come on, guys. Let's go.
142 00:07:21 [Ben] "Come on. Let's go."
143 00:07:23 Hey, what... Oh, my... What...
144 00:07:27 Ben O'Malley?
145 00:07:28 Meredith Parker!
146 00:07:30 -Oh, my God.-Oh, holy shit!
147 00:07:32 Well... You were my first kiss.
148 00:07:34 Yeah, yeah, in sixth grade.
149 00:07:37 You would Myspace me at night
150 00:07:39 -and then run and hide from me at school.-Yeah.
151 00:07:41 We were boyfriend and girlfriendfor two months,
152 00:07:43 and then we kissedand you just never talked to me again.
153 00:07:46 Real nice, Ben.
154 00:07:48 Come on. I was so embarrassed.Remember you were much taller?
155 00:07:51 Wait, do you remember how that old ladythought you were my baby brother?
156 00:07:55 Yes. Oh, my...I should have kissed you then.
157 00:07:58 That would have really freaked her out.Anyway, you look great.
158 00:08:01 Yeah, I grew up a little bit, just stoppedcutting my hair like Dora the Explorer...
159 00:08:06 -Started wearing makeup.-So did he.
160 00:08:09 He got you, dude.
161 00:08:10 Yeah. Good one, guys. I have a bad zit.
162 00:08:13 You know, I was thinking it looksa little cakey. Is that Estée Lauder?
163 00:08:17 CoverGirl, actually.
164 00:08:19 Okay. What shade did you use?
165 00:08:21 Light nude, I think it was.
166 00:08:22 Looks good on you. Yeah.
167 00:08:25 -Hey, do you wanna split a drink?-Um...
168 00:08:27 I should probably get going.
169 00:08:29 I have my first day of worktomorrow at Postmates.
170 00:08:31 It's like the Uber of delivery.
171 00:08:33 Wow. Well, I don't know if you know this,
172 00:08:36 but we never actually, like,officially did the breakup.
173 00:08:39 Which means thatwe're still technically dating.
174 00:08:42 -No!-Yes, I know.
175 00:08:44 I've cheated on you a lot.
176 00:08:46 -Oh, no.-Sorry.
177 00:08:47 Oh, man, I've been nothing but loyal.
178 00:08:49 This is just not working.I think we're done.
179 00:08:53 Oh, well, it's good to have some closure.
180 00:08:55 Well, I'll see you in, like,another eight years?
181 00:08:58 Okay, yeah,or you can give me your number.
182 00:09:01 Forty-three.
183 00:09:02 I'm still gonna call it.
184 00:09:11 Sweet meeting you.
185 00:09:12 Yeah. That was a lot of fun.
186 00:09:17 She just grabbed youand started kissing you?
187 00:09:19 Yeah, I guess. I don't know.
188 00:09:22 Last time a random girl just grabbed me,she was falling down the stairs.
189 00:09:26 Oh!
190 00:09:28 Dude, if that guy came over hereand tried to fight you,
191 00:09:31 -what would you do?-That guy's a Marine, dude.
192 00:09:33 I wouldn't do anything. I wouldtake my beating like a true American.
193 00:09:37 What would you do?
194 00:09:38 -I'd probably blow him first...-Mmm, yeah.
195 00:09:39 ...and then take my beating.
196 00:09:42 Hey, who would you fight?
197 00:09:45 -I don't know. I wouldn't fight anybody.-Yeah.
198 00:09:47 Actually, I take that back.
199 00:09:48 -I'd fight PJ.-Yeah.
200 00:09:50 And your dad. I'd totally fight your dad.
201 00:09:52 No way, dude. Wayne would kick your ass.
202 00:09:56 He still gets into fights to this day.
203 00:09:58 We just watched your dadfall out of the back of a truck naked.
204 00:10:01 It looked like a premature baby birdshooting out of the birth canal.
205 00:10:05 Let me put it this way.My dad looks like a human Muppet
206 00:10:07 and I'm 100% surehe could kick your dad's ass.
207 00:10:10 Come on.Your dad gets startled by pop-up books.
208 00:10:13 Well, your dadlooks like a big fifth grader.
209 00:10:16 When he goes to the mall,how many people ask if he's lost?
210 00:10:18 Your dad listens to Susan Boyle.
211 00:10:20 She's actually very talented.
212 00:10:22 All right!Here we are hanging with the boys!
213 00:10:26 Huh? Oh, God! The boysare back in town, huh?
214 00:10:30 Up high! Here it is.
215 00:10:32 Kind of feels like high school again,huh, guys, right?
216 00:10:35 Mardy, please turn on the humidifier.
217 00:10:38 You bet I can.All right, Aiden, coming around to it.
218 00:10:42 We're gonna be breathing easy. Right?Let's fire this baby up.
219 00:10:47 Yo, you better be niceto your stepbrother,
220 00:10:49 because your dadis leaving him everything.
221 00:10:51 Not if I drown him in his eggs.
222 00:10:54 Okay. Sorry, just gonnaswap out the water here, guys.
223 00:10:57 I think we got a bit of an issue...
224 00:11:02 Aiden?
225 00:11:06 Did you urinate in my humidifier?
226 00:11:08 I don't think so,but I might have by mistake.
227 00:11:12 -Come on, man!-That's disgusting, dude.
228 00:11:15 You gotta quit it with the pranks, bud.Okay? You've got to quit it.
229 00:11:18 I can't even relax in my own home'cause I'm always looking for something.
230 00:11:21 Would you like itif I urinated in your water pistol, hmm?
231 00:11:25 And then squirted you in the face with it?
232 00:11:27 Mardy, he's eight!He was trying to be funny!
233 00:11:32 [chuckles nervously] I know. So was I.
234 00:11:36 That's all, you know.
235 00:11:37 Aiden, you know your stepdaddywas just trying to make a funny, too.
236 00:11:42 Whatever.
237 00:11:43 Dude, your dad just backed downto an eight-year-old.
238 00:11:46 -You really think he'd kick Wayne's ass?-Yes.
239 00:11:48 Dad, if you got into a fightwith Ben's dad,
240 00:11:51 you would totally mop the floor with him.
241 00:11:53 Why would I wanna fight Ben's dad?I would never wanna do that.
242 00:11:56 I think you'd lose.
243 00:11:58 Yeah, all right, let's, you know...
244 00:12:00 You need two hands to open a fridge.
245 00:12:02 [chuckling]
246 00:12:03 Well, that's not... I mean,
247 00:12:06 it's a very strong suctionon a fridge, bud. Okay?
248 00:12:09 And so, that's how the door stays sealedand the food stays cold.
249 00:12:14 I know what a fridge does.
250 00:12:15 Aiden, go brush your teeth,and Mommy will be up in a minute.
251 00:12:18 I'm sleeping with Mom tonight.
252 00:12:21 Yeah, you should.No, she's your mom.
253 00:12:23 [stutters] I'll take the pullout couch.Good night, peanut.
254 00:12:28 Dad, tell themabout how you took out that flasher.
255 00:12:31 Oh, Larry, that was a long time ago.
256 00:12:33 What's this story? I want to hear.
257 00:12:35 All right, fine. Um...
258 00:12:38 I don't know when that was.I think that was...
259 00:12:41 I don't know, maybe, that was whenyou were in middle school, Larr, right?
260 00:12:44 You were in middle school,and, uh, there was a communal terror
261 00:12:48 that was roaming the streets.The Flasher of Fitzpatrick Park.
262 00:12:53 Now, this guy would hideon Old River Road, right?
263 00:12:56 And he would jump out of the bushes
264 00:12:58 and dingle his very,very oversized scrotum
265 00:13:02 at any car that he thoughthad a woman in it, okay?
266 00:13:07 Well, now let's just say,he flashed the wrong Miata that day.
267 00:13:11 [Larry chuckles]
268 00:13:12 So, he thought you were a woman?
269 00:13:14 'Cause you were driving a Miata.
270 00:13:16 No. I mean, the body style of Miatais not the most masculine,
271 00:13:20 but it's very unisex.I think everybody can agree on that.
272 00:13:24 -So, I don't know why he got confused.-[Krystal] Mmm.
273 00:13:26 We just told you.
274 00:13:28 Anyway, I pulled over.
275 00:13:31 I got out of my carand I punched him straight in the nose.
276 00:13:35 Knocked him out for the ten count.He was never to flash again.
277 00:13:40 Boom! See? So, you would win, right?
278 00:13:42 Well, I wasn't exactly saying that.
279 00:13:45 Come on, Mardy. I won'tget my feelings hurt, say it.
280 00:13:48 Well, yes, I would take him down. Hard.
281 00:13:53 Of course I'd kick his ass.Who is his dad again?
282 00:13:57 Uh, Mardy. With a "D." Mardy.
283 00:13:59 -Mardy with a "D"? Okay, I'm scared.-He lives in that white house on Maple.
284 00:14:03 It doesn't ring a bell,but he sounds like a pussy.
285 00:14:07 Well, both him and Larry think he'd win.
286 00:14:11 I'm sorry?
287 00:14:12 No, don't make this a whole thing, please.
288 00:14:14 It's very interesting.Who do you think would win in a fight?
289 00:14:19 Well, um, he's a lot bigger than you.
290 00:14:22 Uh, he'd be sober, which is a huge plus.
291 00:14:24 Um, I think it'd be close,but I think you would win.
292 00:14:28 Close?
293 00:14:29 Yeah.
294 00:14:31 Ben, you don't think I can do anything,do you?
295 00:14:33 What are you talking about?I just said I think you would win.
296 00:14:35 -Well, you said it would be close.-Yeah!
297 00:14:37 Have you gone mad?Do you know how many fights I've been in?
298 00:14:40 I don't know, 1,000? I've been in six.
299 00:14:43 Seven, if you count that little dust-upI had at the used car lot last summer.
300 00:14:46 Are you talking about the time
301 00:14:48 you got knocked outby that inflatable dancing thing?
302 00:14:50 I didn't know what that fucking thing was,but I stood my ground and we went at it.
303 00:14:54 Oh, my God.
304 00:14:55 Okay, take that away. Six solid fights.Three and three.
305 00:14:59 Your record is three and three?
306 00:15:00 -That's good.-All right. Good.
307 00:15:05 -Do you want me to fight him?-No,
308 00:15:07 I do not want youto fight my friend's dad.
309 00:15:08 You brought it up.This seems important to you.
310 00:15:11 -It's not.-It's a non-issue to me.
311 00:15:13 You think it'd be close.I'll smack this guy around.
312 00:15:15 -No.-I don't have to.
313 00:15:16 It's fine with me either way.I'm not gonna let it ruin my day.
314 00:15:19 Okay. Good. Don't. Don't let it ruin it.I gotta pick up some Postmates.
315 00:15:23 -These are for you. Enjoy the Q-tips.-Yeah, have fun.
316 00:15:33 Mardy with a fucking "D."How about I knock him out with a "K," huh?
317 00:15:39 Postmating for a girl. That's a new one.
318 00:15:42 It's the 21st century, man.Get used to it.
319 00:15:44 -[Larry] Ah.-[upbeat music playing on car radio]
320 00:15:52 All right, good luck.Just don't be yourself.
321 00:15:57 PJ? You do Postmates?
322 00:16:01 Yeah. I got fired from the bait shopfor stealing worms.
323 00:16:04 You drove past your own apartment?
324 00:16:06 I was following the GPS, man.
325 00:16:08 Hey, uh, I'm so sorry, dude,
326 00:16:10 but I only ordered Postmatesso I can see Meredith.
327 00:16:13 Uh, can you please return this?I can't afford any of this, so...
328 00:16:16 No, man. I really can't do that.
329 00:16:18 You already purchased it when you ordered.
330 00:16:20 You could file a complaint,but that would reflect poorly on me.
331 00:16:24 So, like, please don't do it, dude.Just enjoy that orange chicken, bitch.
332 00:16:29 Fuck!
333 00:16:34 -Here's your pack of gum.-Thank you.
334 00:16:36 Don't spoil your appetite.
335 00:16:45 Here you go.
336 00:16:51 I got it started for you.
337 00:17:00 Whoa! Meredith? Oh, my gosh!So this is crazy. What are the odds?
338 00:17:05 Uh, one in nine.
339 00:17:06 You've used Postmates nine times today.I saw it on the app. Hi, Larry.
340 00:17:13 Meredith. Hi.
341 00:17:14 -Wait, your name's Larry?-Yeah.
342 00:17:16 My brother's name's Larry.
343 00:17:18 -Let's not talk about that.-Okay.
344 00:17:21 Hey, so, by the way, the other night,you gave me a couple of numbers.
345 00:17:25 I think you left out eight or so.
346 00:17:28 Not that I'm aware of.
347 00:17:30 -No?-Nah.
348 00:17:31 Well, here's an idea.
349 00:17:32 I'll give you my phoneand then I will call me sometime.
350 00:17:36 Okay.
351 00:17:37 Cool.
352 00:17:39 [car engine starts] I need my phone!
353 00:17:53 I'm not that badass
354 00:17:54 -to pull something off like that.-I know.
355 00:17:56 Hey, seriously though,can I please get your number?
356 00:18:01 Ben, I'm not gonna be your hometown fling.But good luck in New York.
357 00:18:06 All right. Cool. Thank you.I'll see you around. Hi, this is Meredith.
358 00:18:24 trying to be all cool, which you're not.
359 00:18:27 Guaranteed you're going to panicand come back for it.
360 00:18:29 Oh, my God, here you are now.What... Is that a waddle?
361 00:18:34 Oh, God.
362 00:18:35 Dude, are your legs different lengths?
363 00:18:38 Oh.
364 00:18:39 It's kind of cute, I gotta admit.
365 00:19:06 Calm down.
366 00:19:09 It's a non-issue.
367 00:19:29 My kid's lost all fucking faith in me!
368 00:19:46 Nice night.
369 00:19:55 Fuck!
370 00:19:59 [Larry] You and your gangjust beat up minorities,
371 00:20:01 and your gang leader says,"There's even more down the street!"
372 00:20:04 That's not what we do.
373 00:20:05 Three, two, one! Go, go, go!
374 00:20:09 [all] Oh!
375 00:20:09 -[Nathan] Ow!-[cell phone rings]
376 00:20:11 -You're definitely getting somewhere.-Well, somewhere.
377 00:20:14 -Hey.-Benjamin, this is your father.
378 00:20:17 I got the local weather report.There's a storm brewing on Maple Street.
379 00:20:22 Dad, please, no.
380 00:20:27 Oh, shit, dude.My dad's at your dad's house.
381 00:20:29 Let's ride!
382 00:20:33 -[Larry] Oh!-[Ben] Oh, shit.
383 00:20:35 You guys go ahead. I'll pour waterdown his throat until he wakes up.
384 00:20:39 Great idea. I'll drive.
385 00:20:40 Oh. You did so good.If only you could have seen yourself.
386 00:20:48 Does this look likean eight-year-old made it?
387 00:20:51 Well, uh, I mean,I would say a gifted eight-year-old.
388 00:20:54 When I was eight, I was fascinatedby the reverse osmosis process.
389 00:20:58 Well, you were a freak!How long did this take you?
390 00:21:02 Um, I mean, a little under two weeks,you know. Probably 36 man-hours.
391 00:21:08 I mean, I was just trying to help.
392 00:21:10 Well, his teacher knew you did it,and now we're those people.
393 00:21:14 What, the people that get involvedwith their children?
394 00:21:16 I'm proud to be one of those.
395 00:21:18 He has to redo the assignment!You owe him an apology, Mardy.
396 00:21:33 God... damn it, Aiden!
397 00:21:36 [doorbell rings]
398 00:21:47 -[Wayne] Ah.-[Mardy] Ow.
399 00:21:50 Well, aren't you dressedlike the substitute teacher.
400 00:21:53 I'm sorry. Can I help you?
401 00:21:56 Yeah, I'm father... Wayne.
402 00:22:00 Uh, from Saint Catherine's?
403 00:22:02 No, I'm Wayne, the father.
404 00:22:05 The father?
405 00:22:07 Ben.
406 00:22:08 -Oh, Ben's father! Yes, of course.-Fuck.
407 00:22:13 Nice to see you. What's doing?
408 00:22:15 I'm here to settle this debateour kids are having.
409 00:22:18 What's that? What's the debate?
410 00:22:20 About which one of uswould win in a fight.
411 00:22:22 [chuckles] Right.
412 00:22:27 I'm sorry. You want to fight me?
413 00:22:29 Nah, I don't really,but I feel like it's best if I did. I don't know if you know,
414 00:22:35 I think there's beensome misunderstanding.
415 00:22:37 I would never fight you.
416 00:22:38 Eh, what's the big deal?Don't be a fuckin' puss.
417 00:22:41 Fight today, friends tomorrow.Winner buys the loser a brew.
418 00:22:45 Dad, stop! Whatever you're about to do,please don't.
419 00:22:48 All hail the valit... valitorian is here.
420 00:22:52 Mr. O'Malley, we were messing around.
421 00:22:53 We don't really care aboutyou guys fighting.
422 00:22:55 I think you do.And we're gonna do this right now.
423 00:22:58 You got five seconds to swing at me first.
424 00:23:00 -No, I said I don't-- [screams]-Five, four, three, two--
425 00:23:02 -And the gazelle flees.-Dad!
426 00:23:05 [Mardy whimpering]
427 00:23:12 -Ow!-Whoa!
428 00:23:15 This isn't funny anymore! What's your problem, guy?
429 00:23:18 Dad, Dad, please don't do this.You're drunk.
430 00:23:21 -You know what? You're right. Come here!-[Mardy] You're a lunatic!
431 00:23:24 -[Mardy] You psycho!-I've never seen my dad move that fast.
432 00:23:28 Aiden! Shelter in place!
433 00:23:31 [Wayne] Come on!
434 00:23:33 -Oh, Christ!-Krystal, call the police!
435 00:23:38 You gotta calm down, Mardy.You're setting a bad example for the kids.
436 00:23:42 [Mardy gasping]
437 00:23:46 Oh, shit!
438 00:23:47 [Mardy panting]
439 00:23:50 Damn you, chicken shit!
440 00:23:53 Oh, no.
441 00:23:56 [groans]
442 00:23:59 [Wayne] Oh, I got you.
443 00:24:00 Okay, okay, okay.
444 00:24:02 Dad!
445 00:24:05 Fuck.
446 00:24:06 Look, the police have been called.This is private property.
447 00:24:09 It reminds me of a storyI used to tell Benny boy.
448 00:24:12 Green Eggs and Ham.
449 00:24:14 I will beat you on the street,I will beat you with my mouse dick.
450 00:24:20 -[Ben] Dad!-Fuck! What is it?
451 00:24:21 -Get down here, this is fucking insane.-Fuck, he's coming. Here we go!
452 00:24:24 -Dad, stop!-He's psycho!
453 00:24:26 [both yelling]
454 00:24:33 [groaning]
455 00:24:38 [Wayne] Where is that motherfucker?
456 00:24:50 [grumbles]
457 00:24:53 [grunting]
458 00:24:59 Oh, hey.
459 00:25:02 Oh, fuck, are we in jail?
460 00:25:03 Yeah.
461 00:25:04 [sighs]
462 00:25:05 Dad, you tried to beat upLarry's dad last night.
463 00:25:12 Which one's Larry's dad?
464 00:25:13 Are you fucking serious?
465 00:25:15 I blacked out. I'm sorry.I have a low tolerance.
466 00:25:19 You know, with your one phone calllast night, you called me?
467 00:25:22 Oh, that actually makes sense,'cause you're my emergency contact.
468 00:25:28 Eh, come on, this ain't so bad.
469 00:25:30 Look, we get to hang a little bitwithout your friend Larry around.
470 00:25:34 What's his angle anyway?
471 00:25:35 Ben O'Malley, Wayne O'Malley, follow me.
472 00:25:40 I bet my buddy Deon posted bail.He's always coming through in a clutch.
473 00:25:43 No. I got it. I got us a bail bond.And now I'm in debt, Dad. Thank you.
474 00:25:47 Yeah, I wouldn't worry about that.After a while, they stop keeping track.
475 00:25:50 What do you say we go hit the Wombat?
476 00:25:52 The Wombat's fucking closed, Dad!
477 00:25:59 Get in. Shit.
478 00:26:08 -What was it like?-What?
479 00:26:11 In the clink.Did you drop my gang's name?
480 00:26:15 I'm not doing this, okay?
481 00:26:16 You wanna talk, you can get in the car.
482 00:26:18 I can't. I gotta practice!
483 00:26:21 -[tires screech]-[cell phone ringing]
484 00:26:24 This is Ben.
485 00:26:25 Dude, who answers the phone like that?[mumbles]
486 00:26:28 Hi, Ben. It's Ryan Jenkinsfrom ISG Energy Solutions.
487 00:26:31 Hi! Hi. How are you?
488 00:26:33 We got a Google alert this morningabout your arrest.
489 00:26:36 We have to terminate your employment offer.
490 00:26:38 What?
491 00:26:39 We have a strict conduct policy.I hope you understand.
492 00:26:41 I didn't do anything. It was my dad.
493 00:26:43 -Yeah, good luck.-Please.
494 00:26:46 What happened?
495 00:26:48 They fucking fired me.
496 00:26:50 Oh, shit.
497 00:26:51 Those fucking bastards.
498 00:26:53 Hey, they're looking for somebodyat the bait shop
499 00:26:55 if you know how to sell worms.
500 00:26:57 I'm so screwed.
501 00:26:58 -I'm fucking screwed.-No, look.
502 00:27:00 You're all good.We are going to fix this.
503 00:27:04 [sighs]
504 00:27:05 -[thudding]-[groans]
505 00:27:09 Oh.
506 00:27:10 Let's just go. I'll come backin a few hours. He'll still be there.
507 00:27:15 Later, Nathan.
508 00:27:21 You know, it was very expensive.
509 00:27:23 I can only imagine. I am so sorry.
510 00:27:26 But I was getting rid of it anyway.
511 00:27:28 Oh, that's perfect.
512 00:27:29 Do you think you'd be willingto drop the charges,
513 00:27:31 since Ben kind of did the demo for you?
514 00:27:34 I've been wanting a pool for my grandkids.
515 00:27:37 You get me a pool, I'll drop the charges.That's a great idea.
516 00:27:40 I'm sorry.I don't have that kind of money.
517 00:27:43 No, I want you to build it!
518 00:27:44 How about a birdbath?Ben could build you a birdbath.
519 00:27:47 Why? I don't have any fucking birds.
520 00:27:49 I'm sorry, but I really don't thinkI'll be able to build a swimming pool.
521 00:27:52 I don't know where to start.
522 00:27:54 Honestly, I don't think anybodyreally knows how to build a swimming pool.
523 00:27:57 If anyone could figure it out,it's Ben though.
524 00:27:59 -You just shut up?-PJ!
525 00:28:00 It's okay, don't worry about it.Enjoy your summer.
526 00:28:03 So you'll drop the charges?
527 00:28:05 No, I don't think so.
528 00:28:07 Okay. A pool it is.That's what we'll do.
529 00:28:10 Ah, my grandchildren will be thrilled!
530 00:28:14 Eh, you just dig a fuckin' holeand fill it with water.
531 00:28:16 Right? Easy enough.
532 00:28:18 It's gonna be good, dude.I'm stoked about it.
533 00:28:24 Can it wait a few minutes?
534 00:28:26 What is this weird voiceyou're doing, Dad?
535 00:28:28 You sound like a guidance counselor.
536 00:28:31 Why are you gulping?
537 00:28:34 All right, all right.I will see you in an hour. Bye.
538 00:28:37 I'd help with the pool, but I don't thinkour visions are the same, man.
539 00:28:41 We'd probably butt heads.
540 00:28:42 Don't sweat it, man.
541 00:28:44 Fuck! It's Meredith.What is she doing here?
542 00:28:47 This is her dad's store.How did you not know that?
543 00:28:51 Oh, shit, man. I can't tell herI got arrested and fucking fired.
544 00:28:54 Now I'm building a pool.
545 00:28:55 So don't tell her.
546 00:28:57 But she'll see meholding the shovel, Larry.
547 00:29:00 That connects to you getting arrested?
548 00:29:03 Connects to mebuilding the pool, assholes.
549 00:29:06 There's no way.Just say you have a shovel.
550 00:29:08 Shut up, Dynamite. Oh, fuck, dude.
551 00:29:11 I'm not a good liar.You guys cover for me. Take it.
552 00:29:13 -What?-Take it!
553 00:29:14 -Are you serious?-What?
554 00:29:15 Oh, come...
555 00:29:20 -Hey, guys.-[PJ] What? Meredith?
556 00:29:23 -Whoa.-Hey. So you just shoveling some shit?
557 00:29:26 Oh, no. Just getting a head starton digging my dad's grave.
558 00:29:30 Oh.
559 00:29:31 Hey, uh, how's your boyfriend Ben doing?
560 00:29:33 Doing great. Killing it.Yeah, he's in New York.
561 00:29:36 Started his new job early.Saving the planet, making good money.
562 00:29:41 That's great.
563 00:29:42 He just bought a Bugatti and a watch.
564 00:29:45 It's an expensive Bugattiand an even more expensive watch.
565 00:29:49 He's got tons of women chasing him.
566 00:29:50 Tons. He's engaged.
567 00:29:52 Oh, really?
568 00:29:54 And she's Elijah Wood's cousin.
569 00:29:57 Yeah. So she's paying his rent.
570 00:30:00 What the fuck are you guys--
571 00:30:04 -Whoa!-Holy shit.
572 00:30:08 Uh, what's up?
573 00:30:11 Uh, just this. Um...
574 00:30:14 How come you're not in New York?
575 00:30:17 Um...
576 00:30:19 I body slammed my dadoff a roof into a greenhouse.
577 00:30:22 And then they arrested us.And then I lost my job.
578 00:30:25 Did you have to go to jail?
579 00:30:27 For a night.
580 00:30:30 That's kind of hot.
581 00:30:31 Yeah, isn't it?
582 00:30:33 I started selling cigarettes.I had to stab a guy.
583 00:30:36 Okay, don't make up shit.
584 00:30:38 -It was hot before.-Oh.
585 00:30:39 Hot enough to give me your number?
586 00:30:41 No. But hot enough to give you two more.A five and a one.
587 00:30:45 He'll figure that out, man.The valedi-torian knows every combination.
588 00:30:49 And, uh, just in case I can't,
589 00:30:51 I'll leave my number in the comment box.
590 00:30:53 So, look for the oneswith all the smiley faces on it.
591 00:30:57 You don't wanna leave your number here. You fucked this place up, dude.
592 00:31:00 That's a good point.
593 00:31:01 -Yeah.-Let's go. [grunts]
594 00:31:11 Hello?
595 00:31:12 [Mardy] Yeah, we're up here.In Aiden's room.
596 00:31:15 -Well, your... The boys' room.
597 00:31:18 You know, the first door on the right.
598 00:31:31 He's wearing my jersey.
599 00:31:34 What happened to my pictures?
600 00:31:36 Aiden doesn't like you staring at himwhile he's trying to sleep.
601 00:31:39 You gotta be shitting me.
602 00:31:40 What does "shit" mean, Mommy?
603 00:31:41 Oh, fuck that, man!He knows what "shit" means.
604 00:31:44 -Larry!-What?
605 00:31:45 He's probably got30 different words for "twat."
606 00:31:48 That one I don't know.
607 00:31:49 That attitude is exactly why you're here.
608 00:31:52 We're having an interventionbecause we love you, but we're also very concerned.
609 00:32:00 [scoffs] Oh, this is ridiculous.
610 00:32:02 No, it's not.
611 00:32:04 Larry, we can all seeyou're off right now.
612 00:32:06 I've been off myself, too.After Aiden's dad got out of jail...
613 00:32:10 He's out of jail?
614 00:32:11 I lashed out. I made some questionableinvestments with your father's money.
615 00:32:16 It affected the whole family.Your father got back on caffeine.
616 00:32:19 You know what happenswhen I have too much energy.
617 00:32:23 It was hard for us.
618 00:32:24 But I still remained loving.
619 00:32:26 Your actions seem to be comingfrom a dark place.
620 00:32:29 This isn't my fault.
621 00:32:32 Larry, you provoked a mad maninto trying to fight me.
622 00:32:35 No, I didn't.
623 00:32:37 You need to start taking responsibilityfor your actions, okay?
624 00:32:40 And it's time you start thinkingabout your future.
625 00:32:43 I will, when I get to New York.
626 00:32:45 No, Ben is going to New Yorkfor his career.
627 00:32:49 No one knows why you're going.I mean, the whole neighborhood's confused.
628 00:32:53 You don't even have a job.
629 00:32:54 Exactly. You're just gonna be driftingand floating and hanging out
630 00:32:59 with those Brooklyn crackhead hipsters.
631 00:33:02 Who also don't have jobs, only beards.
632 00:33:05 You need to get a life of your own.
633 00:33:08 I don't know what I want in my life.
634 00:33:10 I'm 22, Dad. I'm lost. Can you can give methe weekend to figure it out?
635 00:33:14 Maybe you could do gay porn.
636 00:33:15 Aiden! Or maybe he could workat the lab with you.
637 00:33:22 Well, now, I hadn't thought of that.What a fantastic idea, Krystal.
638 00:33:29 Am I supposed to pretendyou guys didn't rehearse this?
639 00:33:31 So, it's settled.You'll work with me in the lab tomorrow.
640 00:33:35 Then you'll stay at home
641 00:33:37 until you figure outwhat to do with your life.
642 00:33:39 Great.
643 00:33:44 I taste piss. Aiden, do I taste piss?
644 00:33:48 I honestly don't remember.
645 00:33:49 Okay, it seems like you'd remember
646 00:33:51 if you whipped your penis outand pissed in my cup.
647 00:33:54 Mmm, can't help you.
648 00:33:56 You may have noticed the transit in some of our shots...
649 00:33:59 ...laying out the pool.
650 00:34:01 -But the coating would finish...-Jesus! What are you talking about?
651 00:34:04 ...top of the gunite, which is the...
652 00:34:05 What the fuck is "gunite"?
653 00:34:07 ...relative to the foundationof the house.
654 00:34:10 So what we have is...
655 00:34:11 We have what's called the weep screed,or a mud sill.
656 00:34:15 [sighs]
657 00:34:16 Ben! Did you wash your handsafter you used the restroom?
658 00:34:20 Always do.
659 00:34:22 This once was a mermaid.Now it looks like Jay Leno.
660 00:34:26 I'm sorry.I didn't see any other soap in there.
661 00:34:28 I thought I was supposed to use that one.
662 00:34:30 Should he ask next time?
663 00:34:31 Yes, he should, Paisley.Stop taking so many dumps.
664 00:34:37 Okay.
665 00:34:44 Where's the pool?
666 00:34:46 Your church friend with the scumstachesaid you built a pool.
667 00:34:49 This is it.
668 00:34:51 This is it? This grass?
669 00:34:54 This is far from being a fucking pool.
670 00:34:57 Are you drinking?
671 00:34:59 Instant breakfast.
672 00:35:01 Listen, I feel terribleabout what happened with that gig,
673 00:35:03 you losing it. You need any help?
674 00:35:05 If I needed to fill balloonswith bad breath, you could help.
675 00:35:07 But I don't, so I'm good.
676 00:35:09 Remember how deep I dug that gravefor your guinea pig?
677 00:35:12 Made sure my snakedidn't have a second go at him.
678 00:35:15 Well, that shit's likeFlintstone boulders down there.
679 00:35:18 You need better equipment.
680 00:35:20 Yeah? You gonna give me the $800 I need?
681 00:35:23 I might... win up to 50 grand.
682 00:35:29 Oh, here we go. Cross your fingers.
683 00:35:32 Oh, fuck! One away from a Diet Dr. Pepper.That's how they get you.
684 00:35:37 You know what, Dad?You can't fucking help me. All right?
685 00:35:39 So you go do your thing. I'll be fine.
686 00:35:47 Goddamn!
687 00:35:50 I can't believemaking nipples soft is a job.
688 00:35:53 Ah. Yeah, well, the embarrassmentfrom inappropriate nipple reaction
689 00:35:58 is a real problem.
690 00:35:59 It can happen at inconvenient times.
691 00:36:02 Like, when you meet someone and you thinkthey're gonna look different,
692 00:36:06 but they're actually quite well-built.
693 00:36:14 You know, Mardy and Krystalare always talking about you.
694 00:36:19 -Really?-Yes!
695 00:36:22 They think you are very bright, Aiden.
696 00:36:26 I'm Larry.
697 00:36:27 Oh. Oh.
698 00:36:30 They are so proud of you, too.They are.
699 00:36:35 See how they have all your old picturesup on the wall?
700 00:36:38 That's not me.Glad he's so happy, though.
701 00:36:41 Never seen him smile so hard.Thought he was a blind singer.
702 00:36:44 [both chuckle]
703 00:36:47 You know, to me,legalization was a negative, man. Half the fun of weed is knowing
704 00:36:54 Yeah, that's true.
705 00:36:56 Ah, sorry. I'm fucking nervous.What are they gonna do to us in there?
706 00:37:00 I don't know. It can't be dangerous
707 00:37:01 'cause if it was, they'd be paying usmore than $40.
708 00:37:04 Hey, 40's nothing to sneeze at.
709 00:37:06 I can't remember the last timeI had 40 cash on me.
710 00:37:08 [chuckles]
711 00:37:09 I'm trying to help out my kid.He's in a bit of a jam.
712 00:37:12 Kids. Nine months of living in the mama,
713 00:37:15 the rest of their lives,living off their papa.
714 00:37:17 Oh, shit, I've never heard that one![laughs]
715 00:37:21 Oh, I got a knee slapper for you.
716 00:37:23 These two black guys...
717 00:37:25 Wait a second. There's no black guysin here, are there?
718 00:37:28 Gentlemen, follow me please.
719 00:37:30 I'll tell you the rest of that one later.Time to go make some bread.
720 00:37:41 Oh, shit. Mr. O'Malley,what are you doing here?
721 00:37:44 Oh, hello, Lawrence.
722 00:37:45 I'm here to get Ben out of the jamthat you instigated.
723 00:37:48 Ah, gentlemen, thank you so muchfor coming. My name is Mardy Fischer.
724 00:37:51 Oh, my God. You okay?
725 00:37:58 Uh...
726 00:38:00 What's going on?
727 00:38:03 Hello?
728 00:38:05 You don't remember him?
729 00:38:06 This guy?
730 00:38:08 What are you? Famous?
731 00:38:10 I... I don't... You don't?
732 00:38:12 No, I don't. I'm sorry.
733 00:38:14 Are you some big scientiston the SyFy Channel or something?
734 00:38:17 So you don't recognize me at all?
735 00:38:19 No, I don't recognize you,or I would have told you.
736 00:38:23 Is there a fucking problem, dickface?
737 00:38:24 No. No problem at all.No problem at all.
738 00:38:27 I will, uh, be with you allin just one moment.
739 00:38:29 Yeah. Goddamn.
740 00:38:31 What the hell is going on?
741 00:38:33 He blacked out. He was drunk that night.He's not drunk now, so everything's good.
742 00:38:36 Fuck you.
743 00:38:37 He's a lot bigger than I remember.
744 00:38:39 Relax! Let's just get himin and out of here.
745 00:38:42 Okay.
746 00:38:44 [sighs] Disgusting.
747 00:38:46 -Did you shit yourself again?-A little bit.
748 00:38:55 Okay. Next person.Now apply some more cream.
749 00:38:58 No, Larry. A liberal amount.
750 00:39:01 Yeah, really cover the nipple, okay?The entire areola.
751 00:39:04 Dad, why can't they do this themselves?
752 00:39:06 What would be the fun in that?
753 00:39:14 Olivia, what are you doing in line?
754 00:39:17 Oh, uh, is there not enough cream?
755 00:39:23 Uh... sorry.
756 00:39:28 Let's go, lover boy.
757 00:39:31 Go slow, I got butterflies.
758 00:39:36 Oh.
759 00:39:40 Oh. Boing!
760 00:39:42 Okay, now the wind test.
761 00:39:50 No, no.I need you to use your mouth.
762 00:39:54 Yeah.
763 00:39:55 You heard him.Get down there.
764 00:40:02 [blowing]
765 00:40:08 Don't fall for me.I'll break your heart.
766 00:40:11 Fuck you.
767 00:40:15 Ow.
768 00:40:16 Okay, something's happening. All right.It's burning. Is that normal?
769 00:40:20 Uh, are you allergic to anything?
770 00:40:22 No. Just herpes, I think.
771 00:40:24 What the...
772 00:40:25 This is starting to feel likeknives in there.
773 00:40:27 Like, it's poking. Like, it's burning.What did you fucking do to me? Ow.
774 00:40:32 They're fucking burning like shit!
775 00:40:34 No one's helping!What the fuck happened?
776 00:40:37 Get a fire extinguisher,you doofy piece of shit!
777 00:40:39 I'll fucking kill you! God damn it!Somebody do something!
778 00:40:43 Get this shit off! Fuck![yelling] It burns! Oh, fuck! Help me, someone!
779 00:40:51 [Wayne] That's Larry's dad?
780 00:40:52 [Ben] Yes!
781 00:40:53 [Wayne] I'm going to fight him.
782 00:40:55 He gave me fucking tits, dude!
783 00:40:57 They're not permanent, Dad.
784 00:40:59 A tit's a tit, Ben. And I got two of them.
785 00:41:02 On me. Part of me. Do you get it?
786 00:41:06 For guys to fuck and squeeze and whack on.
787 00:41:09 Don't let guys do that to you.Here, just take some allergy medicine.
788 00:41:15 Give me this shit.
789 00:41:17 Just slow down. No.
790 00:41:20 Ugh!
791 00:41:24 They're still there! Shit.Now I'm thinking about keeping 'em.
792 00:41:28 I don't know what to do, Ben.
793 00:41:30 Don't stare at me like that.I'm still your father.
794 00:41:33 Hey, what were you doingat that lab anyway?
795 00:41:36 You know what I'm doing there?
796 00:41:38 I'm trying to make some moneyto buy you a jackhammer. There.
797 00:41:43 There's your check. Here you go.
798 00:41:47 [exhales sharply]
799 00:41:49 Wow, uh...
800 00:41:51 Well, okay. Thank you, thank you...Thanks a lot.
801 00:41:54 Yeah, sure.
802 00:41:55 Can you give the old man a hug?Would that kill you?
803 00:41:58 Yeah, sure.
804 00:41:59 Here ya go, buddy. Come here. Come here.
805 00:42:03 What? Why are you so rigid when I hug you?
806 00:42:06 Your boobs are pressed up against me, Dad.It's really weird.
807 00:42:09 -You got a boner? I'm your father.-No. Dad!
808 00:42:11 Okay. I gotta go. Just stay thereand don't fight Larry's dad.
809 00:42:17 You're a fucking bore.
810 00:42:36 [gasps] Oh, my God!
811 00:42:41 [shushes]
812 00:42:47 Okay.
813 00:42:53 [cell phone chimes]
814 00:42:56 [cell phone chimes]
815 00:43:02 Psycho.
816 00:43:14 Why... did you fucking do this to me?
817 00:43:19 God damn it.
818 00:43:21 Come on!
819 00:43:24 Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!
820 00:43:27 [yelps]
821 00:43:32 Fuck!
822 00:43:38 I think you're supposed to pourthe concrete in
823 00:43:41 before you fill it with water.
824 00:43:42 This is impossible.
825 00:43:44 There's fucking rocks and rootsand dead mailmen everywhere.
826 00:43:48 Well, you need one of these.
827 00:43:52 Wow.
828 00:43:54 Thank you. But no, I...I don't have the kind of money for that.
829 00:43:57 Just buy me a drink. We'll call it even.
830 00:43:59 I don't really have the kind of moneyfor that either.
831 00:44:02 Oh, Benjamin. [sighs]You've got to get your life together.
832 00:44:10 So, you're here for good, huh?
833 00:44:12 Uh, at least until I finishmy accounting degree.
834 00:44:16 I'm gonna help my dad franchise the store.
835 00:44:18 -Oh, wow. That's really cool.-Yeah.
836 00:44:20 Yeah, I'd like to help him retireat some point. But I like it here.
837 00:44:26 Yeah, it's funny.I've lived here my whole life
838 00:44:28 and I never came to this pond.
839 00:44:30 You gotta be a touristin your own town sometimes.
840 00:44:32 Yeah, right?
841 00:44:33 I was so focused on getting good grades,so that I could get out,
842 00:44:36 that I never did anything fun.
843 00:44:38 I didn't go to prom.
844 00:44:40 You didn't go to prom? What a loser!
845 00:44:43 No, I went, but I got too drunk.
846 00:44:47 [giggles] I threw up in the bushesand they wouldn't let me in.
847 00:44:50 Oh, I totally remember that.
848 00:44:52 Oh.
849 00:44:53 I've done everything elseyou're supposed to do in high school.
850 00:44:55 I jumped off Fitzy's Ledge.I went skinny-dipping at Livingston.
851 00:44:59 Oh, I was way too shyto go skinny-dipping.
852 00:45:02 You've never gone skinny-dipping?
853 00:45:04 I'm very insecure.
854 00:45:05 I can't believe you.That's the classic high school trope.
855 00:45:09 -Yeah, well...-We're going right now.
856 00:45:11 No, come on. No.
857 00:45:13 Get ready, buddy.
858 00:45:37 Okay. Those are way nicer than my dad's.
859 00:45:40 Thanks.
860 00:45:41 [exhales heavily]
861 00:45:48 Yep.
862 00:45:52 Go slow.
863 00:45:58 Oh, hey, Ben. I think there's an acorncaught in your pubes.
864 00:46:02 Oh, shut up.
865 00:46:03 Well, I said skinny-dipping,not mini-dipping.
866 00:46:06 Okay, I'm gonna cover up.
867 00:46:08 You probably don't need thewhole box. You could just use the nozzle.
868 00:46:11 It is so unfair that youcan make fun of my body
869 00:46:13 and I can't make fun of yours.
870 00:46:15 I'm just joking.
871 00:46:17 You have a very nice-looking penis.It's very, um, approachable.
872 00:46:21 Approachable?
873 00:46:22 Yeah, really, like a friendly little guy.
874 00:46:24 Little guy? Okay. All right.
875 00:46:29 Ooh.
876 00:46:30 [sighs] Pretty nice in here, huh?
877 00:46:32 Yeah. Yeah, this feels awesome.
878 00:46:39 Hey, you wanna re-enact our first kiss?You know, see if I got any better?
879 00:46:42 You're not supposed to ask a girlif you can kiss her. You just do it.
880 00:46:45 I knew that. I knew that.
881 00:46:47 Oh! [coughing]
882 00:46:50 Wow!
883 00:46:51 That was even more awkwardthan sixth grade.
884 00:46:54 You don't like awkward? I love awkward.
885 00:46:56 It's sexy.
886 00:46:59 [screams]
887 00:47:00 What?
888 00:47:01 Um, uh, something just touched my leg.Something just touched my leg.
889 00:47:04 Aw, is a little fishy bothering you?
890 00:47:07 [screaming] Oh, my God!Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
891 00:47:10 What? Are you just gonna leave me?
892 00:47:12 Uh, no. I'm just...Over here, over here.
893 00:47:15 -I'm getting him to come to me.-Oh, my... Whoa!
894 00:47:17 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
895 00:47:18 Oh, God! Something is sucking on my leg.
896 00:47:20 -Oh---Sucking on your leg?
897 00:47:22 [screaming] God! Oh, my God!I don't wanna die!
898 00:47:28 [cell phone chimes]
899 00:47:36 3:01 a.m.
900 00:47:37 Hey, dude. Just telling you the titties are gone.
901 00:47:41 So all is forgiven. Fun while it lasted.
902 00:47:45 I took some pics. Non-issue.
903 00:47:48 Mardy, come on,we have to get to Aiden's pottery class.
904 00:47:50 Okay, yeah, I'm just checking my messages.I'll be right there, okay?
905 00:47:55 3:04 a.m.
906 00:47:57 Quick update. Titties are gone and I'm gonna kill you.
907 00:48:02 Let's go, Mardy.I don't want him to be the late kid.
908 00:48:04 I know. I'm coming.
909 00:48:06 Does he have to come?
910 00:48:08 3:07 a.m.
911 00:48:10 Hey, Deon, it's Friday night. I wanna fuck with this guy real bad.
912 00:48:15 Do you have access to any diseases? Maybe something airborne?
913 00:48:20 Also, I sent you some tit pics. I know you're a boob guy.
914 00:48:24 Uh, you know what, guys? Go ahead.
915 00:48:27 [stutters] I've developed some crampsand a headache.
916 00:48:30 So, I'll meet you there.
917 00:48:33 You let a tadpole get inthe way of you making out with Meredith?
918 00:48:36 No, dude. It wasn't a fucking tadpole.
919 00:48:38 It was like a water moccasin or like a...I don't know, a shark or something.
920 00:48:42 But there's no sharks in that pond.
921 00:48:45 I guarantee youit was a beer can or a shoe.
922 00:48:47 Hey, Ben. Who's your little helper?
923 00:48:51 It's me, Larry, Ms. Franklin.
924 00:48:53 Larry?
925 00:48:54 Yeah, from next door.I was here the other day.
926 00:48:57 Oh, Larry-Larry!
927 00:48:59 Oh, my! I didn't recognize youwith your shirt off.
928 00:49:03 Oh, yeah. It's me.
929 00:49:06 So you're grown up. Oh, boy!
930 00:49:10 I remember when you used to be young.
931 00:49:12 That's so funny! [laughs]
932 00:49:15 Yeah.
933 00:49:16 In the summer, you used to playin the plastic kiddie pool
934 00:49:20 in just your underpants.
935 00:49:22 Yes, no trunks necessary.
936 00:49:25 Indeed. And now look at you.
937 00:49:27 Life's marching on.
938 00:49:29 Except you are looking youngerand that's just not making any sense.
939 00:49:32 [laughing]
940 00:49:36 [coughing]
941 00:49:40 Oh, that's funny.My late husband was funny, too.
942 00:49:44 So you're here for summer,then it's back to school?
943 00:49:47 Ooh, no, no. School's done.I'm officially an adult now.
944 00:49:51 Yeah, I see that! An adult.18, right?
945 00:49:56 Uh, 22 actually.
946 00:49:57 22, is it? 22.Oh, all summer long with the shirt off.
947 00:50:04 I can tell him to put his shirt back on,so you can recognize him, Ms. Franklin.
948 00:50:08 Get back to work, Ben.And put your shirt on!
949 00:50:10 I don't need you calling in sickwith a sunburn.
950 00:50:19 What is he doing?
951 00:50:22 He's been acting so weird lately.
952 00:50:23 I'm gonna follow him.
953 00:50:24 He's been a dick to you lately.Just let him deal with his own shit.
954 00:50:27 He's still my dad.
955 00:50:31 [cell phone chimes]
956 00:50:44 Welcome to the 18th AnnualDeerfield Wife Carrying Competition.
957 00:50:49 Now remember,the husband must carry the wife
958 00:50:52 throughout the entire durationof the course.
959 00:50:54 -Should a fall occur...-Wayne O'Malley?
960 00:50:57 Oh, hey, Geoff.
961 00:50:59 That's the guy who got firedfrom the go-kart track
962 00:51:01 for telling a Chinese joketo a Chinese guy.
963 00:51:04 Well, you see, I have this disability...
964 00:51:07 You don't gotta remind us, Wayne.We can all tell you're disabled.
965 00:51:10 [people laughing]
966 00:51:11 Hey, where's your wife?
967 00:51:13 She passed away.The funeral was this morning.
968 00:51:16 And you're here?
969 00:51:18 It was her dying wish.
970 00:51:19 Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't think two guysshould be allowed to race. It's unfair.
971 00:51:23 We're an open-minded organizationhere, Geoff.
972 00:51:26 We don't need to end upon the news later for discrimination.
973 00:51:30 So shut the fuck up!
974 00:51:32 Yeah, whatev. It ain't gonna matter.
975 00:51:34 You know what? Stick around after,
976 00:51:35 maybe I'll let you take a pictureof my trophy and my taint. [scoffs]
977 00:51:39 Fuck that guy. What a dick.Let's kick his ass.
978 00:51:42 Okay, everyone.It's time to mount your spouse!
979 00:51:49 Bend over.
980 00:51:50 Why do you get to be the wife?
981 00:51:51 Ben, I had tits a week ago.
982 00:51:53 Yeah, okay.
983 00:51:54 There we go, bud.
984 00:51:57 [grunts]
985 00:51:58 -[gun fires]-[farts]
986 00:52:00 -Damn it, Dad!-That gun startled me. Just go! Go!
987 00:52:25 Come on, baby. We got this.
988 00:52:28 [yelps] Fuck! Tight squeeze.
989 00:52:31 -Let me get on your back!-Yep!
990 00:52:33 Oh, now we're cooking with gas!
991 00:52:34 [man] Come on! Will you pretend to try?
992 00:52:38 [spectators laughing and cheering]
993 00:52:47 [cheers]
994 00:52:54 Oh, man.
995 00:53:03 [grunts]
996 00:53:04 [woman grunts]
997 00:53:05 Ow! You cheater!
998 00:53:07 I ain't letting sometrailer trash scumbag beat me.
999 00:53:09 You live in a trailer, too!
1000 00:53:11 Yeah, but mine's a double-wide!
1001 00:53:13 You know what?Screw this, I'm taking over.
1002 00:53:20 [panting]
1003 00:53:30 Fuck you, Geoff! Your wife's only a nine!
1004 00:53:32 Your wife's fucking dead!
1005 00:53:41 [all cheering]
1006 00:53:42 [Ben] We won!
1007 00:53:44 You know, when I woke up this morning,in my bathtub,
1008 00:53:48 it felt like every other day.
1009 00:53:50 I didn't know at the end of itI'd be covered in glory.
1010 00:53:52 [laughs] Yeah!
1011 00:53:53 I gotta thank my wife for dying.
1012 00:53:56 And giving the opportunity for meto run this race with my boy, Benny.
1013 00:54:01 And, Geoff, for the record,that guy was Korean, not Chinese.
1014 00:54:05 You're a fuckin' racist.
1015 00:54:08 [man on TV] Okay, let's do somejab-cross, jab-cross, go!
1016 00:54:11 That's it! Little more power! Come on! Good, good, good, go!
1017 00:54:15 Good. Oh, oh! Gotta keep your hands up.Good. Good. Go.
1018 00:54:18 -[Mardy grunts]-[instructor] Do it again.
1019 00:54:19 Come on! All right.Good, go!
1020 00:54:21 -Do a roundhouse kick. No, no...-[knock at door]
1021 00:54:23 Dad, it's Larry.
1022 00:54:24 Bring your knee up and--
1023 00:54:27 Get in, quick.
1024 00:54:32 -How did you find me?-Olivia told me.
1025 00:54:35 What? I can't believeshe would betray me like that.
1026 00:54:39 What's going on?
1027 00:54:42 Wayne has left me dozensof threatening voice messages.
1028 00:54:45 And I don't want to put Krystal
1029 00:54:47 and poor, sweet, gorgeous little Aidenin danger. Okay, so just go kick his ass, Dad.
1030 00:54:53 I can't... I...
1031 00:54:55 It's not the same.
1032 00:54:56 Why?
1033 00:55:03 I've never told anyone this, Larry.
1034 00:55:07 [sighs]
1035 00:55:09 When I got out of the carto stop the flasher,
1036 00:55:14 he shoved me to the ground,
1037 00:55:17 and then wrapped his big thighsaround my neck,
1038 00:55:20 and he proceeded to squeezeuntil I lost consciousness.
1039 00:55:26 And when I came to, there was a scrotum...
1040 00:55:32 sort of draped across my nose.
1041 00:55:36 Almost sliding down into my mouth.
1042 00:55:39 But that was just the beginning.
1043 00:55:42 [woman screams]
1044 00:55:43 Oh, there it is.
1045 00:55:44 He made me drive him around so that he could flash people from my sunroof.
1046 00:55:49 -[woman screams]-Sorry.
1047 00:55:50 I became his accomplice,his accessory to flashing.
1048 00:55:55 I drove what felt like forever.
1049 00:55:58 I mean, I used a tank and a half of gas.
1050 00:56:00 [lady] What the fuck?
1051 00:56:00 In hindsight, I guess I could have probably driven away at that point.
1052 00:56:04 Yeah, okay. Can't wait.
1053 00:56:08 It was like he was trying to set a flashing record,
1054 00:56:10 beat his own high score.
1055 00:56:12 Breathe. Just breathe, Mardy.
1056 00:56:14 Probably would have gone on forever,had it not been for Paul Bunyan.
1057 00:56:17 Oh. Jesus!
1058 00:56:25 That's how he got knocked out.I've never fought anyone, Larry.
1059 00:56:29 That's a fucked-up story.
1060 00:56:31 Okay, don't swear around Aiden.
1061 00:56:33 Aiden's not here, Dad.
1062 00:56:37 Oh.
1063 00:56:39 You could have told me the truth.
1064 00:56:42 I'm sorry. I was embarrassed, you know.
1065 00:56:45 What would you expect?I'm not a Navy SEAL. I run a lab.
1066 00:56:50 Speaking of that,I don't wanna do the science thing, Dad.
1067 00:56:55 I know, I can tell.
1068 00:56:58 I just want you to findwhat makes you happy.
1069 00:57:01 I want you to know
1070 00:57:03 that I will support youin whatever you decide to do.
1071 00:57:07 Thanks, Dad.
1072 00:57:08 Yeah, yeah.
1073 00:57:12 You all right?
1074 00:57:13 I forgot my Lorazepam at home.
1075 00:57:16 So just go back and get it.
1076 00:57:18 I can't. I told Krystal and AidenI was at an emergency conference.
1077 00:57:22 And my doctor's out of town.I've left three messages. I just...
1078 00:57:27 All right.Well, let's go see my friend Trey.
1079 00:57:30 He's kind of a part-time pharmacist. So...
1080 00:57:34 -Oh, that would be fantastic.-Yeah.
1081 00:57:44 -[Ben chuckles]-[Wayne grunts]
1082 00:57:46 Sweeter than the Stanley Cup.[chuckles softly]
1083 00:57:48 Hey, thanks for inviting me.This is really fun.
1084 00:57:52 It's my absolute pleasure, Benzo.
1085 00:57:55 Now, talk to me.Tell me everything about your life.
1086 00:57:57 I don't wanna hear aboutfucking New York City again, all right?
1087 00:58:00 Got any tuna on the hook?
1088 00:58:01 -Yeah, yeah, I do right now.-Okay. Here we go. Go on.
1089 00:58:04 -I really like her.-Okay.
1090 00:58:05 I'm pulling a big move tonight.
1091 00:58:07 She didn't get to go to her prom,so I'm gonna sneak us both into Webster's.
1092 00:58:12 -Oh, that's pretty suave, Benzo.-I thought so, too.
1093 00:58:15 -You know, there's gonna be dancing?-Mmm-hmm.
1094 00:58:17 Dancing gets awkward, it always does.
1095 00:58:18 Try this.
1096 00:58:20 You take your middle fingerswhen you're slow dancin',
1097 00:58:22 and you run 'em downthe back of her dress,
1098 00:58:24 and you leave 'em on her back dimples.
1099 00:58:27 Don't smash 'em around, don't squeeze 'em,just leave 'em there.
1100 00:58:30 She'll be yours.
1101 00:58:31 That's the most ridiculous thingI've ever heard.
1102 00:58:33 Both chicks I've been with,it's 'cause of that move.
1103 00:58:36 You've only been with two women?
1104 00:58:38 I've only tried twice.I'm two for two. I'm battin' 100.
1105 00:58:42 Don't you ever wanna have sex?
1106 00:58:43 Fuck you, dude. Two is pretty high.
1107 00:58:47 [Mardy] Uh...
1108 00:58:48 -Should we try?-Dad, Dad, don't...
1109 00:58:53 -[Larry sighs]-Fun apartment.
1110 00:59:02 Larry Fischer.
1111 00:59:04 If I champion,you is the number one contender!
1112 00:59:07 It's good to have you backin the 603, my brother.
1113 00:59:10 It is good to be back.How you been?
1114 00:59:12 Shh. Man, I'm good, you know, real good.
1115 00:59:15 Just rappin', dealin',
1116 00:59:17 doing three shifts a weekdown at Bunny's Mini Mart. Straight up entrepreneurin' that shit.
1117 00:59:23 So, Larry tells me you stressin'.
1118 00:59:25 I...
1119 00:59:27 Just...
1120 00:59:28 -It's okay.-Yeah, just tell him.
1121 00:59:30 Okay. Yeah. I'm stressing hard.
1122 00:59:31 A lot. I normally take Lorazepam.
1123 00:59:35 I have a prescription,so it's completely legal.
1124 00:59:37 Calm down, New Balance. I got you.
1125 00:59:40 [sighs] You're a lifesaver.I really appreciate this.
1126 00:59:43 I'll finally get a good night's sleep,so I thank you.
1127 00:59:45 Sleep?No, man, you ain't gonna be sleeping.
1128 00:59:49 This shit, you might not even blink.
1129 00:59:50 What did I take? What's going on?
1130 00:59:52 There's that M to the D to the M to the A
1131 00:59:55 What? Methylenedioxymethamphetamine?
1132 00:59:58 I don't know. That shit's Molly.
1133 01:00:00 You son of a bitch.
1134 01:00:01 -What the fuck!-[Mardy] Fuck!
1135 01:00:02 I told you to give him somethingto get rid of his anxiety!
1136 01:00:05 That's what I gave him!
1137 01:00:06 That shit will straight-up turnyour dark clouds
1138 01:00:09 into clear skies with rainbows.
1139 01:00:10 I feel like it's kicking in.I feel like I'm effed-up!
1140 01:00:13 -No way it's kicking in that fast.-Just stop worrying.
1141 01:00:16 I'm not gonna make you do it alone.Give me one.
1142 01:00:18 It's free, 'cause you're my boy.
1143 01:00:19 What are you doing? Don't do drugs.
1144 01:00:21 [Trey] Whoa!
1145 01:00:23 Your pops is creatin' someunwanted attention around the biz.
1146 01:00:26 Why don't we chill insidefor a second, okay?
1147 01:00:28 I'mma play you guys a track.
1148 01:00:30 It's gonna put your entire livesin perspective.
1149 01:00:32 Seriously though,we gotta keep it down, okay?
1150 01:00:35 My mom and pops is being audited,
1151 01:00:36 so the whole house is, like,super tense now.
1152 01:00:39 Let's go. Down. Why you struggling, man?Get down there.
1153 01:00:43 [Mardy] I don't wanna go down, Larry.
1154 01:00:44 [Trey] Legs are lockin' up.
1155 01:00:50 God!
1156 01:01:08 Here we are.
1157 01:01:09 I was gonna cover your eyesto surprise you,
1158 01:01:11 but you were driving.
1159 01:01:13 Are you taking me to prom?
1160 01:01:14 Yeah, I was gonna takeElijah Wood's cousin,
1161 01:01:17 but she bailed on me,so you were my next call.
1162 01:01:19 [chuckles] Okay. This is awesome.
1163 01:01:22 Now, we just gotta pick up our tickets.
1164 01:01:29 -A-ha.-Oh.
1165 01:01:30 One minute.
1166 01:01:31 Okay. And...
1167 01:01:34 they're breathing.
1168 01:01:36 -That's good.-Okay.
1169 01:01:41 Remember, no means no, okay?
1170 01:01:46 Ben O'Malley?
1171 01:01:47 Yeah?
1172 01:01:48 You're still dating high school girls?
1173 01:01:50 No. Well, yes, I am.She's about to graduate.
1174 01:01:54 No, I know you.
1175 01:01:56 I kicked you out of prom four years ago.
1176 01:01:59 You just kept yelling, "Seniors rule"
1177 01:02:01 while you were laid out in that bushsoiling yourself, stinking up the place.
1178 01:02:05 I think the most embarrassing partis I was yelling, "Seniors rule."
1179 01:02:09 [chuckles]
1180 01:02:12 So, let me get this straight.
1181 01:02:13 You wanna take this young ladyinto our prom
1182 01:02:16 to make up for the one she ruinedfour years ago?
1183 01:02:18 Yeah.
1184 01:02:20 Aw. That's actually kind of cute.
1185 01:02:22 I thought so, too.
1186 01:02:24 You know what won't be cute?
1187 01:02:25 When I get hauled in front of a grand jury
1188 01:02:28 for letting two disturbed 20-somethingsinto an event
1189 01:02:30 with 300 vulnerable children.
1190 01:02:33 I coach golf, soccer, tennis,skiing, badminton, debate.
1191 01:02:39 I took the entire schoolto build a barn last summer!
1192 01:02:42 I didn't even use a ruler.
1193 01:02:45 I did that!This school can't lose me, all right?
1194 01:02:48 So I'm gonna need the two of youto get the fuck out of here!
1195 01:02:52 -Okay, let's go. Let's go.-Little millennial shit!
1196 01:02:56 God!
1197 01:02:58 You guys goin' in there?Can you bring me some snacks?
1198 01:03:01 I'd love a slider.
1199 01:03:03 [music playing faintly from prom]
1200 01:03:09 This sucks. I'm sorry.
1201 01:03:11 Don't worry,I've set my expectations low for you.
1202 01:03:15 You're actually exceeding them.
1203 01:03:17 Nice.
1204 01:03:25 -Ooh.-Ooh. [chuckles softly]
1205 01:03:27 Oh. [giggles]
1206 01:03:52 [rapping] I'm sick of these same walls And the same ceiling
1207 01:03:55 I know you know the feelin'
1208 01:03:57 Takes one to know one
1209 01:03:58 But we's liable to beast the East
1210 01:04:01 And then we head to the WestAnd he's the best
1211 01:04:04 [exhales deeply]
1212 01:04:08 -Oh, my God.-[chuckles]
1213 01:04:10 Oh, my God.
1214 01:04:11 I mean, so good. It's so good.
1215 01:04:14 Your lyrics and your timing...
1216 01:04:16 That is what I've been saying!
1217 01:04:19 That was astounding, Trey.I've never known a boy like you before.
1218 01:04:22 Dude, I'm a soldier.[imitates machine gun]
1219 01:04:26 Oh. What?
1220 01:04:29 Trey, your laundry...
1221 01:04:31 What?
1222 01:04:33 It looks so freaking cuteand cozy and comfortable.
1223 01:04:39 Do you mind if I dive in?
1224 01:04:44 Damn right I do.
1225 01:04:45 Oh. Oh.
1226 01:04:48 Oh, my gosh.
1227 01:04:50 The textures. Oh, the aromas.
1228 01:04:54 You need to get the fuck outof my dirty clothes, right now.
1229 01:04:56 Yeah, Dad, I'm coming in.
1230 01:04:59 [groans]
1231 01:05:00 Trey, take off your clothes.We need more laundry.
1232 01:05:03 You need to shut up.You're gonna wake up my parents.
1233 01:05:06 What? No! No!
1234 01:05:09 You need to take off your clothesbecause we need more laundry!
1235 01:05:13 -That's it. Get out.-[Mardy] No!
1236 01:05:15 -Get the fuck out!-No, I don't...
1237 01:05:16 Ooh-ooh. Okay, we'll get out. But first,
1238 01:05:20 your beard,you need to scratch our backs with it.
1239 01:05:24 Yo, your father is fucked up!
1240 01:05:26 Get your beard on my back now.
1241 01:05:29 -Shut up, be quiet.-Please, Trey.
1242 01:05:30 -I'm gonna kill you.-No!
1243 01:05:32 I can't be quiet. I can't!
1244 01:05:34 Please, put your beard on my back!I'm itchy!
1245 01:05:37 -All right!-Help me be quiet!
1246 01:05:39 -Just roll up and lift your damn shirts.-Okay.
1247 01:05:42 [Mardy grunting]
1248 01:05:47 Ugh. You guys got issues.
1249 01:05:49 [Mr. Patterson]Trey! I told you no friends over!
1250 01:05:53 Do you ever listen?
1251 01:05:55 Statue!
1252 01:05:57 Larry?
1253 01:05:59 Hi, Mrs. Patterson.
1254 01:06:02 Who are you?
1255 01:06:06 Yeah, you.
1256 01:06:07 Oh. Ha-ha-ha. [laughs nervously]
1257 01:06:09 I am a friend of your son's, yeah.
1258 01:06:12 We go way, way back.
1259 01:06:14 I'm also Larry's father.
1260 01:06:15 Yeah, some people, they call me Mardy.Those that don't, do not know my name.
1261 01:06:23 Oh, yeah. Of course. How are you?
1262 01:06:26 Really good. I'm taking the summer off
1263 01:06:29 -to backpack through Europe.-[Larry] What?
1264 01:06:31 I am so glad that you're hanging outwith Larry again.
1265 01:06:34 He is such a good influence.
1266 01:06:36 [Trey] Yeah, no doubt. Uh, they were justabout to be on their way. So...
1267 01:06:39 [Mrs. Patterson] Oh, okay.
1268 01:06:41 [distorted]Well, it was great to see you, Larry.
1269 01:06:47 [in normal voice]Come here.
1270 01:06:48 -Yes.-Oh my goodness. It's been a long time.
1271 01:06:53 [chomping]
1272 01:06:54 -[Mrs. Patterson] Okay.-[both chomping]
1273 01:06:56 [Mr. Patterson] What are you doing?
1274 01:06:58 -Get out of here!-Get off my mom's hair!
1275 01:07:00 Get the clothes, Larry!
1276 01:07:01 [Mr. Patterson] Hey, put those down!
1277 01:07:03 -Bring those clothes back now!-You get back!
1278 01:07:05 [Larry laughing] Yes!
1279 01:07:06 [dog barks in the distance]
1280 01:07:11 [Wayne] Hey, there he is.
1281 01:07:12 It worked!
1282 01:07:13 That dimple thing?That was the greatest advice.
1283 01:07:16 [laughs] I knew it would.
1284 01:07:18 Oh, God. Thank you so much!
1285 01:07:21 It was perfect, it was perf...
1286 01:07:23 She is incredible.I was actually kind of smooth.
1287 01:07:27 [laughs] I knew you would be.
1288 01:07:29 See, you don't have to goto New York to have fun.
1289 01:07:31 Hmm. Yeah, I know.
1290 01:07:33 [Wayne chuckles]
1291 01:07:35 It's not just, like, New York, though.It was the job. The great company.
1292 01:07:42 You know, to be honest, Benny,
1293 01:07:44 I don't really getwhat that company is.
1294 01:07:46 But I did read an article about it.
1295 01:07:49 But I only read it once, so I didn't geta chance to retain any of the information. Well, they're basically...
1296 01:07:56 They have applicationsthat have already cut oil usage by 10%.
1297 01:07:59 Fuck, yeah.
1298 01:08:00 Their founder, Peter Francis,he's a genius.
1299 01:08:02 Yeah. If he's anythinglike Peter Frampton, he's cool.
1300 01:08:06 -Yeah, kinda.-That guy's a fucking genius.
1301 01:08:11 But I'm proud of you, bud.
1302 01:08:14 Never thought an O'Malleywould do something like this.
1303 01:08:18 Thanks a lot, Dad.
1304 01:08:21 -Let's burn some marshmallows.-Yeah!
1305 01:08:24 You know how to work the stick?
1306 01:08:25 I think I can figure it out.
1307 01:08:27 All right.
1308 01:08:30 [indistinct rap music playingon TV]
1309 01:08:40 Well, that was something.
1310 01:08:41 Yeah. Yeah.I feel tired, but energized. You know?
1311 01:08:45 I wanna tell everyone.But I don't wanna tell anyone.
1312 01:08:48 Hey, is this a new Harry Potter movie?I don't think I've seen this one yet.
1313 01:08:52 No, that's Trippy Jones, Dad.He's a rapper.
1314 01:08:55 Oh, really? I think Treyis way better than this guy.
1315 01:08:59 No, come on. Let's get you home.
1316 01:09:03 Oh, you know what?
1317 01:09:04 I already paid for the hotel room,
1318 01:09:07 so I might as well just, you know,stay for an extra day or two.
1319 01:09:12 You don't have to worry about Wayne, Dad.
1320 01:09:14 Oh. [scoffs]It's not that.
1321 01:09:17 No, I just, um...
1322 01:09:18 I pre-ordered Marley and Meand I haven't watched it yet.
1323 01:09:22 Okay. Well, I guessI'll just see you later then.
1324 01:09:26 Yeah, yeah. Uh, hit me up!
1325 01:09:29 -Okay.-Okay.
1326 01:09:41 -[Ben grunts]-[sighs]
1327 01:09:45 You know what? A few more weeks,maybe a month,
1328 01:09:49 hopefully my charges will be dropped.I'll be in New York.
1329 01:09:53 It's gonna be good, man.It's gonna be worth it.
1330 01:09:56 Listen, this morning,I enlisted in the Marines.
1331 01:10:01 Uh, what? Are you serious?
1332 01:10:03 I gotta do something big, man. You know?
1333 01:10:06 Like, something different.
1334 01:10:07 I can't stay in my comfort zoneor I'm gonna end up just like my dad.
1335 01:10:11 The Marines, though, man?I mean, fuck, dude.
1336 01:10:14 I'll be okay.
1337 01:10:15 They start shooting at you, run.
1338 01:10:18 [chuckles]
1339 01:10:19 I don't think that's the job.
1340 01:10:21 I'm serious.
1341 01:10:22 You've been a pussy your whole life.It's worked out
1342 01:10:24 -so stick to that. Yeah.-Wow. Oh, okay.
1343 01:10:27 Why don't we stick to working?
1344 01:10:28 No, man. I got this.
1345 01:10:30 If you're man enough to fightfor our country, I can do this.
1346 01:10:33 Just go spend time with the fam.
1347 01:10:34 -Oh, thank you.-Yeah.
1348 01:10:36 I'll go hang out with Aiden for,like, five minutes.
1349 01:10:38 I'll be back to help finish it.
1350 01:10:40 All right.
1351 01:10:48 Fuck!
1352 01:10:49 [groans] Oh, God damn it!
1353 01:10:52 You okay?
1354 01:10:54 I'm fine. Go do your thing.
1355 01:10:56 Okay.
1356 01:11:00 [sighs] Fuck.
1357 01:11:08 Ben, someone left the toilet seat up.
1358 01:11:10 Was that a cover-upfor one of your dumps?
1359 01:11:12 No.
1360 01:11:13 You know how I know you're lying?You left the fan on!
1361 01:11:18 [exhales sharply]
1362 01:11:39 Oh, hi, Larry. Your worthless friend Benleft already.
1363 01:11:44 I needed to talk to youabout something.
1364 01:11:46 Ooh, I'm all ears.
1365 01:11:48 But speak into this one,it works a little better.
1366 01:11:51 Uh... [clears throat]So, Ben is struggling with the pool.
1367 01:11:55 He really, really needs a break.
1368 01:11:57 He's a great guy.
1369 01:11:58 So, I was hoping maybe you'd be willingto drop the charges a little bit sooner?
1370 01:12:02 Drop the charges? Why would I do that?Have you seen my backyard? It's--
1371 01:12:06 What if we...
1372 01:12:10 Oh!
1373 01:12:12 Well, we can do this, Larry.
1374 01:12:15 I hope you don't think this is justgonna be some five-minute quick fix.
1375 01:12:18 You're gonna have to work hardfor this one.
1376 01:12:21 It's gonna take a lot of overtimeto bring this job to completion.
1377 01:12:24 And I think you should know,I'm allergic to latex.
1378 01:12:29 Of course you are. Lambskin, too?
1379 01:12:32 Deathly.
1380 01:12:34 Saran wrap?
1381 01:12:36 Oh, Larry...
1382 01:12:51 [Ben] That's amazing. Did she say why?
1383 01:12:54 No. She just saidshe was dropping the charges.
1384 01:12:56 -What? Out of the blue?-Yeah.
1385 01:12:58 The pool's not even done yet.
1386 01:12:59 Well, she's apparently very happywith the progress.
1387 01:13:06 Did you fuck her for me?
1388 01:13:07 Did I fuck her? I didn't--
1389 01:13:09 -Yes, you did!-No.
1390 01:13:10 Where were you last night?You weren't home.
1391 01:13:12 You know, I've been hanging with my dad.
1392 01:13:14 He's been at the Kozy-eight,which is your fault.
1393 01:13:16 -Oh! You rang that dirty old bell?-No!
1394 01:13:19 Did you?
1395 01:13:20 -I didn't do anything.-[Wayne] Cool.
1396 01:13:21 Don't fuck around.This is too important.`
1397 01:13:23 Nothing happened, man.
1398 01:13:24 -Did you?-No. I didn't.
1399 01:13:26 -Are you meaning to say yes by saying no?-No, I--
1400 01:13:28 Is she gonna wait while you're deployed?
1401 01:13:30 -Nothing happened!-To Ruth and Larry!
1402 01:13:32 To Ruth and Larry!
1403 01:13:34 Yeah, Ben O'Malley.
1404 01:13:35 I just wanted to call you to tell youthat the charges against me were dropped
1405 01:13:39 and I've been completely cleared.
1406 01:13:41 [man on phone] Well, that's fantastic.
1407 01:13:43 Unfortunately, we already filled our open positions.
1408 01:13:46 But if you'd like to resubmit your application,
1409 01:13:49 -we can keep you in consideration...-Hey, Ben!
1410 01:13:51 Larry needs you to callthat drug dealer Trey
1411 01:13:54 and get a morning-after pill for him.Hello.
1412 01:14:09 [Wayne]Hey, Mardy? Is this your room?
1413 01:14:11 They told me you were in here.[knocks at door]
1414 01:14:13 I just need a minute of your time.
1415 01:14:16 Mardy, six people were murdered here.
1416 01:14:18 In this room alone.
1417 01:14:20 -Hey!-[Wayne yells]
1418 01:14:23 [grunts]
1419 01:14:25 Holy shit.
1420 01:14:27 Fuck.
1421 01:14:30 Goddamn,I've never felt anything so strong.
1422 01:14:34 That punch was fuckin' electric.You're not human.
1423 01:14:37 Yeah, it was my Taser gun.And I will use it again if I have to.
1424 01:14:40 I'm not here to fight.I'm here to apologize.
1425 01:14:44 I need your help with my son.You work in Scientology, right?
1426 01:14:51 No, I work in science.If that's what you mean.
1427 01:14:55 Yeah. Do you happen to know anyonethat works for this company named...
1428 01:15:00 Fuck, I don't know, IGQ or something.They sell energy bars maybe?
1429 01:15:06 Are you talking about ISG Energy?
1430 01:15:07 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1431 01:15:09 I don't know. Maybe I do. Why?
1432 01:15:12 I need you to set up a meeting with meand Ben with some head honcho there.
1433 01:15:17 We fucked up his life bad.We gotta make it right.
1434 01:15:21 "We"? You messed up his life.
1435 01:15:23 If you weren't a chickenwe wouldn't be here.
1436 01:15:25 -You're the one that---Yeah, okay. All right! I'm sorry.
1437 01:15:30 Some people say I'm unstable and I snap.
1438 01:15:34 Uh, that was a snap.
1439 01:15:37 Listen, I need your help,and please, if you do this for me...
1440 01:15:45 God, I can't believe I'm saying this.
1441 01:15:48 I'll let you kick my assin front of Larry.
1442 01:15:51 I'll do it.
1443 01:15:52 This is gonna be my last normal haircutfor a while.
1444 01:15:56 They're gonna shave my whole headonce I get to boot camp.
1445 01:15:59 Good job, Larry. We're all proud of ya.
1446 01:16:01 Thank you.
1447 01:16:03 So, where are they shipping you off to?
1448 01:16:04 Going to Parris Island in South Carolina.
1449 01:16:07 Oh...
1450 01:16:08 Yeah, I leave, uh...I think it's next Tuesday I'm leaving.
1451 01:16:12 Oh.
1452 01:16:13 So, I'm doing the whole procrastinationright now of not packing.
1453 01:16:16 It's cool. I'm nervous, but excited.
1454 01:16:18 Yeah, the first dayof the rest of your life.
1455 01:16:20 Yeah. There you go.
1456 01:16:23 Now you want me to square this offat the back or--
1457 01:16:25 Oh, yeah, you can just--
1458 01:16:28 Holy shit!
1459 01:16:29 [groans]
1460 01:16:32 Yeah! How'd you like that, huh?That's what you get!
1461 01:16:36 I'm so sorry about that.I will pay for all of this.
1462 01:16:40 -You ready for some more? Huh?-Oh, no.
1463 01:16:42 Take that!
1464 01:16:43 [Wayne yells]
1465 01:16:45 -The fuck are you doing?-Get over here.
1466 01:16:47 No, no. Take it outside!Take it outside! No, no, no!
1467 01:16:49 Oh!
1468 01:16:53 -No!-Oh!
1469 01:16:55 [Wayne grunts]
1470 01:16:56 Ah, Mardy! Come on, too much! Too--
1471 01:17:00 What the fuck, dude? No!
1472 01:17:08 -Don't put all your weight on me.-Oh, sorry. Yeah, I can do that.
1473 01:17:11 Oh! Oh!
1474 01:17:12 Oh, that's enough! Stop! I surrender!
1475 01:17:17 And that's what you getif you catch me off-guard
1476 01:17:20 and you sucker-chase me onto my roof!
1477 01:17:23 Holy shit.
1478 01:17:24 Oh. [chuckles]
1479 01:17:26 Hey, Larry. What a coincidence!
1480 01:17:28 You just kicked his ass.
1481 01:17:31 Oh, I guess I did, didn't I?
1482 01:17:34 [chuckles]
1483 01:17:35 You might wanna look in the mirror though.
1484 01:17:40 Oh, wow.
1485 01:17:42 No, hey. I think it looks badass.
1486 01:17:47 All right.
1487 01:17:49 Hey, you want to go get a six piece?Miller Lites do it for ya?
1488 01:17:53 -Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it.-Yeah.
1489 01:17:55 Come on, bud.
1490 01:17:56 -That was awesome.-I know, I just...
1491 01:17:58 You came swinging and you almost hit me.
1492 01:17:59 -Well, I guess I had it in me. You know?-That was really cool.
1493 01:18:02 It came out of nowhere.
1494 01:18:05 Okay, I don't know whatyour threshold is for emotional pain,
1495 01:18:08 so I brought options.
1496 01:18:10 We have tequila, weed, Vicodin.
1497 01:18:13 This is either Zoloftor it shrinks your prostate, not sure.
1498 01:18:17 And, uh, hard candy.It's just 'cause I know you like 'em.
1499 01:18:21 Oh, you're the best.
1500 01:18:22 I'm gonna take all of theseat the exact same time.
1501 01:18:25 -Okay, maybe... This is too soon.-Okay.
1502 01:18:27 Ben! Oh, there you are! Hey!
1503 01:18:31 I just got us a meetingwith the top dog at ISG!
1504 01:18:35 What? How?
1505 01:18:36 Don't ask! Just pack your shit.
1506 01:18:39 We gotta go to New York right now!
1507 01:18:40 Meredith. Always looking lovely.I'll be outside. Let's go!
1508 01:18:43 -Oh, my God!-Holy shit!
1509 01:18:46 -Ah!-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
1510 01:18:48 I gotta go pack! I'll text youfirst thing when I get there.
1511 01:19:10 Mr. Francis will see you now.
1512 01:19:13 Okay, wish me luck.
1513 01:19:15 -What are you doing?-I'm gonna make this right for ya.
1514 01:19:18 What? No, no. Dad, turn around.Please turn around, Dad.
1515 01:19:22 [Wayne] You'll thank me.
1516 01:19:25 Welcome, welcome.
1517 01:19:26 This is our VR meeting space.
1518 01:19:29 Mr. Francis is in Taiwan,but he is very excited to meet you.
1519 01:19:35 Wait. We drove five hours
1520 01:19:37 and the guy we're gonna meet isn't here?
1521 01:19:38 -Hey, come on.-That's weird.
1522 01:19:40 -It's not weird.-Just talk and act as you normally would.
1523 01:19:43 And if you have any questions,I'll be right here.
1524 01:19:48 Yeah, why are your pants so tight?
1525 01:19:51 They use less material,it's better for the environment. So...
1526 01:19:55 It's okay, Dad. Just put your headset on.
1527 01:20:01 Here we go.
1528 01:20:04 Oh, fuck!
1529 01:20:05 -What's going on, Ben?-Dad?
1530 01:20:07 Oh, my God! Where am I?
1531 01:20:09 -I'm a kangaroo!-Dad, that's--
1532 01:20:11 You're a monkey! I don't like it.
1533 01:20:13 It's okay, Dad. It's not real. It's not real?I think you're wrong.
1534 01:20:16 I think you're fucking wrong!
1535 01:20:20 Watch out! Polar bear straight ahead!
1536 01:20:22 Ben? Wayne? Peter Francis.
1537 01:20:25 It's talking to us. It knows--
1538 01:20:27 It's a friendly one.He knows our names. Hi.
1539 01:20:29 I know it's bizarre, but don't be alarmed,this is my avatar. Please, have a seat.
1540 01:20:34 Okay. I can do this. Non-issue.Just chatting with a polar bear.
1541 01:20:40 [grunts]
1542 01:20:42 Come on, Wayne. Get it together.
1543 01:20:44 So, what can I do for you?
1544 01:20:45 -Well, I---Before I begin...
1545 01:20:48 I recycle. I mean, I don't all the time,
1546 01:20:51 but you're fixing all that stuff anyway,so it probably won't matter.
1547 01:20:54 I just wanted to saythat Ben's life was perfect.
1548 01:20:58 He had all his ducks in a row, and--Woah! Is that ice safe?
1549 01:21:03 Is this normal? Is this...Should it be like this?
1550 01:21:05 Still fake, Dad. [chuckles]
1551 01:21:07 Listen, he is a smart, smart kid.
1552 01:21:10 Please don't make him do timefor my crime.
1553 01:21:12 Mr. Francis, I have dreamed ofworking for you since I was 15.
1554 01:21:16 Your work in magnetics research,in my opinion,
1555 01:21:19 is gonna save the environment.I just...
1556 01:21:21 I really don't care what it pays.
1557 01:21:23 I just really want to be a partof your cause.
1558 01:21:25 Please, polar bear.This job is the love of his life.
1559 01:21:28 [bird screeching]
1560 01:21:30 What's up?
1561 01:21:32 What the fuck? Ho!
1562 01:21:33 Everybody, down! We got a pelican!
1563 01:21:36 Why's he so angry?Oh, shit, he's coming this way!
1564 01:21:39 [screams]
1565 01:21:41 Ah, fuck!
1566 01:21:42 Ahhh! Leave me alone!
1567 01:21:45 [screeching continues]
1568 01:21:46 -Take it down a notch.-Fuck!
1569 01:21:50 This is unlike anything he's ever done.
1570 01:21:54 [grunts]
1571 01:21:55 [screams]
1572 01:21:57 [grunting and screaming]
1573 01:21:59 Oh, fuck! There you are.
1574 01:22:01 I got you!
1575 01:22:03 Stupid! Fuck with me?
1576 01:22:06 [grunts]
1577 01:22:08 Get him off!
1578 01:22:19 I'm so sorry.
1579 01:22:20 If you can give me one second,I can go calm him down.
1580 01:22:23 Growing up with a dad like thatand turning out halfway normal?
1581 01:22:26 Oh, you must be extraordinary.
1582 01:22:28 Why don't you join my research team?
1583 01:22:30 -That would be amazing!-[Wayne screaming]
1584 01:22:35 [chuckles]
1585 01:22:36 I love when people don't understand VR.Hey, watch this.
1586 01:22:40 What are you doing?
1587 01:22:42 [shushes]
1588 01:22:43 No. Come on. Please don't.
1589 01:22:45 [screams]
1590 01:22:46 [screams and grunts]
1591 01:22:49 Oh, my God, that's the best.
1592 01:22:52 [grunts]
1593 01:22:55 Wow. Good stuff. All right, where were we?
1594 01:22:58 What the fuck, man?
1595 01:23:00 [yelling]
1596 01:23:03 [grunts]
1597 01:23:04 You don't treat people like that!
1598 01:23:08 [Wayne grunting]
1599 01:23:10 Alien. Alien head. Huh?
1600 01:23:13 Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad? Hey, hey.Come on, let's get out of here.
1601 01:23:17 Okay. Did you get the job?
1602 01:23:20 -Don't worry about it. Come on.-[panting]
1603 01:23:24 Ah, so what are you gonna do now?
1604 01:23:27 [Ben] I don't know, I'll figure it out.I'm valededorian.
1605 01:23:38 [doorbell buzzes]
1606 01:23:46 Hey.
1607 01:23:48 Hey.
1608 01:23:49 How did it go with Peter Francis?
1609 01:23:51 Oh, good! He turned into an alienand I cut his head off.
1610 01:23:56 Okay.
1611 01:23:58 I'm staying here. I wanna be with you.
1612 01:24:02 [sighs]
1613 01:24:03 Ben, I don't want to be the thing thatstops you from doing what you want to do.
1614 01:24:07 It's just a job.
1615 01:24:09 Plus, I've got a very approachable penis.You said it yourself.
1616 01:24:14 This is where I'm happy.
1617 01:24:22 You know, you still kisslike a sixth grader.
1618 01:24:27 [indistinct chatter]
1619 01:24:39 Look at that.
1620 01:24:40 She let you get away with that?You must be packing something.
1621 01:24:44 She thinks the pool is a farmand the goats are floats!
1622 01:24:46 Uh, everyone?Could I have your attention, please?
1623 01:24:50 Thank you all so much for coming.
1624 01:24:53 I just wanted to say a few wordsabout my son, Larry.
1625 01:24:56 Oh, boy.
1626 01:24:57 I am so proud of him,
1627 01:24:59 both for the man that he's becomeand the man that he's going to be.
1628 01:25:04 I am sad to see him go,but I could not be...
1629 01:25:08 [PJ chuckling]
1630 01:25:11 I couldn't be more thrilled knowing thathe's going to protect our country.
1631 01:25:16 -Whoo!-[all cheering]
1632 01:25:18 Yeah, Lar-bear!
1633 01:25:19 Oh, man. I can taste it.I actually like it. Is that bad?
1634 01:25:23 Aiden, please stop that.
1635 01:25:25 Stop what? He said he likes it.
1636 01:25:27 I'm asking you to stop. Okay?
1637 01:25:29 You should listen to what I'm saying.
1638 01:25:31 You'd be lucky to becomehalf the man that Larry is.
1639 01:25:34 What do you know? You're a wuss.
1640 01:25:36 Excuse me? Uh...
1641 01:25:38 I did beat the living crapout of Wayne here.
1642 01:25:41 He probably let you win.
1643 01:25:43 You need to shut the fuck up!
1644 01:25:44 [crowd gasping]
1645 01:25:49 Thank you, Krystal.
1646 01:25:52 Um...
1647 01:25:54 Aiden is right. He, uh...He did let me win.
1648 01:25:58 So, Wayne, why don't you and Ifight right now, for real?
1649 01:26:03 What? Come on, Mardy.This is a joyous occasion.
1650 01:26:06 What, are you afraid, huh?You afraid, Wayne? -Watch your mouth, big boy.
1651 01:26:11 You don't want this shit-storm. Benzo?
1652 01:26:18 Fuck him up, Dad.
1653 01:26:19 -Show Aiden who's boss, Dad.-Yeah!
1654 01:26:21 Oh, I got the fucking green light.We're doing this!
1655 01:26:23 Let's go.
1656 01:26:25 [crowd cheering]
1657 01:26:30 [both yelling]
1658 01:26:33 [both grunting]
1659 01:26:36 That was pathetic.
1660 01:26:37 Yep. You wanna get a beer?
1661 01:26:39 -Yeah, dude. Sure.-Yeah.
1662 01:26:43 [PJ] Hey, guys, who do you thinkis gonna get married first?
1663 01:26:46 [Larry] Definitely Ben.
1664 01:26:47 [Meredith] This Ben? Not a chance.
1665 01:26:49 [Ben] Okay. All right.
1666 01:26:50 [Meredith] How could I marry you?Your penis looks like a testicle.
1667 01:26:53 [PJ chuckles]
1668 01:26:54 And, Larry, dude, your dad had no rightto yell at Aiden like that.
1669 01:26:58 He's a good boy.
1670 01:27:09 Ruth. Ruth. Are you awake?
1671 01:27:14 -Larry?-I ship off tomorrow morning.
1672 01:27:17 I was thinking maybe we couldhang out for a little bit?
1673 01:27:19 [chuckles]
1674 01:27:21 You make me feel so young.
1675 01:27:23 Wig on or wig off?
1676 01:27:25 Leave it on.
1677 01:27:27 -I'll bang it off.-Ooh!
1678 01:27:33 That's three.