宿醉 The Hangover(EN)Subtitles

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1 00:00:38 [PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING]
2 00:00:47 DOUG [ON RECORDING]: You've reachedDoug. Sorry I missed your call.
3 00:00:50 Please leave a name and numberand I'll get back to you.
4 00:00:52 [PHONE LINE BEEPS]
5 00:00:54 [PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING]
6 00:00:58 STU [ON RECORDING]: Hi, you've reachedDr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry.
7 00:01:02 Please leave a message after...
8 00:01:05 [PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING]
9 00:01:11 PHIL [ON RECORDING]:Hey, this is Phil.
10 00:01:13 Leave me a message or don't.Do me a favor, don't text me. It's gay.
11 00:01:17 - Anything?TRACY: I tried them all.
12 00:01:19 It keeps going straight to voicemail.
13 00:01:21 Well, there has to be an explanation.
14 00:01:23 Sweetie, it's Vegas.You lose track of time in casinos.
15 00:01:26 There's no windows, there's no clocks.He's probably on a heater.
16 00:01:30 And you never walk away from the tablewhen you're on a heater.
17 00:01:34 You do if you're getting married.
18 00:01:36 [CELL PHONE RINGS]
19 00:01:38 - Hello?- Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.
20 00:01:41 Phil, where the hell are you guys?
21 00:01:43 [OVER PHONE]I'm freaking out.
22 00:01:45 Yeah, listen.
23 00:01:47 Uh...
24 00:01:51 We fucked up.
25 00:01:52 - What are you talking about?- The bachelor party, the whole night. It...
26 00:01:57 Things got out of control, uh...
27 00:02:02 ...and we lost Doug.
28 00:02:04 - What?- We can't find Doug.
29 00:02:06 What are you saying, Phil?We're getting married in five hours.
30 00:02:10 Yeah.
31 00:02:13 That's not gonna happen.
32 00:03:45 MAN:To my left a little.
33 00:03:47 Thank you.
34 00:03:49 Okey-dokey.
35 00:03:54 - Whoa, watch it, pervert!- Alan, he's just doing your inseam.
36 00:03:57 - He's getting very close to my shaft.- All done. You can change now.
37 00:04:03 Right. Thanks, Floyd.Thank you very much.
38 00:04:07 All right, buddy,we should get a move on.
39 00:04:10 You know, Doug, I was thinking...
40 00:04:14 If you wanna go to Vegas without me,that is totally cool, you know?
41 00:04:17 What are you talking about?
42 00:04:19 You know, Phil and Stu, they'reyour buddies, and it's your bachelor party.
43 00:04:23 Come on, Alan. Those two love you.
44 00:04:25 ALAN: And also, I don't want you to feellike you have to hold back...
45 00:04:28 ...because your wife's brother's there.I just...
46 00:04:31 It's not like that.
47 00:04:36 It's not like that. I already told you, Alan.
48 00:04:38 Okay? We're just spending the nightin Vegas. It's no big deal.
49 00:04:42 Besides, you're not just my wife's brother,you're my brother now.
50 00:04:49 I want you to know, Doug,I'm a steel trap.
51 00:04:53 Whatever happens tonight,I will never, ever, ever, speak a word of it.
52 00:04:57 Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you.I don't think that...
53 00:05:00 Seriously. I don't care what happens.
54 00:05:03 - I don't care if we kill someone.- What?
55 00:05:06 You heard me. It's Sin City.
56 00:05:10 [WHISPERING]I won't tell a soul.
57 00:05:13 Okay. I got it.
58 00:05:18 - Thank you.[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, thank you.
59 00:05:22 I love you so much.
60 00:05:25 - Ha. I knew it.- Dad.
61 00:05:27 Oh, stop it, I'm just jerking around.
62 00:05:29 Alan, put some pants on.You have weird legs.
63 00:05:32 Yes, Daddy.
64 00:05:33 - His legs look fine, Dad.- Oh, please.
65 00:05:35 He has his mother's legs. It's just freaky.
66 00:05:42 Alan, I'm just teasing.You have wonderful legs.
67 00:05:47 They're better than your mother's.They're beautiful.
68 00:05:50 Can you believe this?Just two more days.
69 00:05:53 DOUG:I know. You getting nervous?
70 00:05:57 - You wanna back out?- Shut up.
71 00:05:59 Just tell me. Oh. Mm.
72 00:06:03 You know, I don't need to go to Vegas.It's dumb.
73 00:06:05 It's not dumb. It's one night.Have fun, you deserve it.
74 00:06:09 I know, but we should havegone last weekend.
75 00:06:11 We have so much to do.L... I'm gonna cancel.
76 00:06:14 My brother packed his bag two weeks ago.You're not canceling.
77 00:06:17 - Really?- Yeah.
78 00:06:19 - Two weeks?- Yeah, he's excited.
79 00:06:22 Thanks again for bringing him,by the way.
80 00:06:24 You don't need to thank me,it's nothing. He's a cool guy.
81 00:06:27 It's not nothingand he's not a cool guy...
82 00:06:29 ...so thank you.
83 00:06:32 Thank you.
84 00:06:35 Thank you.
85 00:06:41 Hey, Sid.
86 00:06:44 I just wanted to thank you guys againfor everything you're doing this weekend.
87 00:06:48 - We couldn't be more excited.- Ah, that's great.
88 00:06:50 Yeah, okay. You love usand we love you. Terrific.
89 00:06:54 So talk to me about Vegas.
90 00:06:56 - Uh... It should be pretty mellow.- Mm-hm.
91 00:06:59 Do some gambling, maybe catch some rays,have a few laughs.
92 00:07:02 Yeah, some laughs. I got you.
93 00:07:05 How you getting out there?
94 00:07:07 Uh, we're gonna take my car.Gonna pick up my friends after this.
95 00:07:10 - Prius? You're taking a Prius to Vegas?- Yeah.
96 00:07:14 You know, when you go to Vegas...
97 00:07:17 ...you gotta go to Vegas.
98 00:07:18 DOUG:No. Sid.
99 00:07:23 - Really?SID: Come on, we're family now.
100 00:07:28 - You sure? I mean, you love this car.- Doug, it's just a car.
101 00:07:31 Just make sure to put some Armor Allon the tires so the sand doesn't seep in.
102 00:07:36 Absolutely. That's easy.
103 00:07:38 Oh, and, uh, don't let Alan drive,because there's something wrong with him.
104 00:07:43 DOUG:Understood.
105 00:07:44 Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
106 00:07:47 I will be the only one driving this car.I promise.
107 00:07:52 Good.
108 00:07:53 Remember, what happens in Vegasstays in Vegas.
109 00:07:56 Ah!
110 00:07:58 [CHUCKLES]
111 00:07:59 Except for herpes.That shit'll come back with you.
112 00:08:02 [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
113 00:08:04 All right. Hold on. I still needsome of your permission slips...
114 00:08:06 ...and $90 for the field tripto the Griffith Observatory next weekend.
115 00:08:10 Pay now, or forever regret missing outon the experience of a lifetime, guys.
116 00:08:14 You're good, you got it.
117 00:08:16 STUDENT: Thanks, Mr. Wenneck.PHIL: Thank you. Hey.
118 00:08:17 You really came through,thank you.
119 00:08:20 Whoa, Max. What gives?What, no planetarium?
120 00:08:23 My mom won't give me the money.I'm grounded.
121 00:08:25 - Well, how much you got on you?- I don't know.
122 00:08:27 Like, 20 bucks.
123 00:08:30 Well, give me the 20and I'll cover the rest.
124 00:08:33 - Really?- Yeah. Well, we'll talk about it.
125 00:08:36 But give me the 20so I know you're serious.
126 00:08:38 - Cool. Thanks, Mr. Wenneck.- Yeah.
127 00:09:02 STUDENT:Hold on, I got it.
128 00:09:03 Ahem, do you have to park so close?
129 00:09:06 - Yeah. What's wrong?- I shouldn't be here.
130 00:09:09 Why is that, Alan?
131 00:09:10 I'm not supposed to be within 200 feetof a school.
132 00:09:14 - What?- Or a Chuck E. Cheese.
133 00:09:21 BUDNICK: Mr. Wenneck, I was...- It's the weekend.
134 00:09:23 I don't know you. You do not exist.
135 00:09:26 - Shit.DOUG: Heh, heh, heh.
136 00:09:28 - Nice car.DOUG: Yeah.
137 00:09:30 - I'm driving.DOUG: Whoa, no chance, buddy...
138 00:09:31 Don't step... God. Watch the leath...
139 00:09:34 Shut up and drive before these nerdsask me another question.
140 00:09:37 - Animal.- Who's this?
141 00:09:38 - It's Alan. Tracy's brother.- I met you, like, four times.
142 00:09:42 Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?
143 00:09:45 MELISSA:Don't forget your Rogaine.
144 00:09:47 STU:Rogaine, check.
145 00:09:50 And don't forget to use it.
146 00:09:53 I can totally tell when you forget,your hair just looks thinner.
147 00:09:57 Using of the Rogaine, check.
148 00:10:00 Make sure to call meright when you get to the hotel...
149 00:10:03 ...not like that conference in Phoenix.
150 00:10:05 I had to wait two hoursfor you to call me.
151 00:10:08 Yeah, I was the keynote speaker.I was late to the podium.
152 00:10:11 - Still?- Yeah, you're totally right. I'm sorry.
153 00:10:16 - What is the matter?MELISSA: I don't know.
154 00:10:18 I hope you're not gonna go tosome strip club when you're up there.
155 00:10:21 STU:Melissa, we're going to Napa Valley.
156 00:10:24 I don't even think they have strip clubsin wine country.
157 00:10:27 Well, I'm sure if there is one,Phil will sniff it out.
158 00:10:31 [SIGHS]
159 00:10:32 It's not gonna be like that.
160 00:10:34 Besides, you know how I feel about that.
161 00:10:36 I know, I know. It's just boysand their bachelor parties, it's gross.
162 00:10:40 You're right, it is gross. Mm-mm.
163 00:10:45 And you know what else, honestly?
164 00:10:48 Why would I risk this for,you know, a couple of minutes...
165 00:10:53 ...of some 19-year-old hard bodyin a schoolgirl outfit?
166 00:10:59 - Yeah.- Why would I ever need, like...
167 00:11:01 - You're right. And if you ever do...- What?
168 00:11:04 ...I will fucking kick your ass.
169 00:11:07 Thank you. Thank you for that.
170 00:11:11 That is exactly what I needed to hear.
171 00:11:14 Not to mention it's pathetic.
172 00:11:16 Those places are filthy.And the worst part is...
173 00:11:20 ...that little girl...
174 00:11:22 ...grinding and dry humpingthe fucking stage up there...
175 00:11:26 ...that's somebody's daughter up there.- I was just gonna say that.
176 00:11:30 See? I just wish your friendswere as mature as you.
177 00:11:33 They are mature, actually.You just have to get to know them better.
178 00:11:36 PHIL:Paging Dr. Faggot.
179 00:11:41 Dr. Faggot!
180 00:11:46 - I should go.- That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.
181 00:11:51 Have a good weekend.I'm gonna miss you.
182 00:12:06 Whoo!
183 00:12:07 Road trip!
184 00:12:10 [SCREAMS]
185 00:12:12 Vegas! Vegas, baby!
186 00:12:15 Vegas!
187 00:12:17 [LAUGHS]
188 00:12:18 You're nuts!
189 00:12:24 Come on, just till Barstow.Everybody's passing us.
190 00:12:27 Absolutely not. I promised Sid.I will be the only one driving this car.
191 00:12:32 Besides, you're drinking.
192 00:12:33 Oh, what are you, a cop now?You know I drive great when I'm drunk.
193 00:12:37 True. Don't forget,Phil was always our designated drunk driver.
194 00:12:40 Yeah. You wanna explain itto them, Alan?
195 00:12:42 Guys, my dad loves this carmore than he loves me, so, yeah.
196 00:12:46 Aw, whatever. I left my wife and kidat home so I could go with you guys.
197 00:12:49 - You know how difficult that was?- That's really sweet.
198 00:12:52 - Yeah.- Dude, I was being sarcastic.
199 00:12:54 I fucking hate my life.
200 00:12:55 - I may never go back. I might stay in Vegas.- Here we go.
201 00:12:59 Doug, enjoy yourself,because come Sunday...
202 00:13:01 ...you're gonna start dyingjust a little bit every day.
203 00:13:04 Yeah. That's why I've managedto stay single this whole time, you know?
204 00:13:09 - Oh, really? That's why you're single?- Yeah.
205 00:13:12 Cool. Good to know.
206 00:13:15 - Am I all right over there, Alan?- Yeah, you're good.
207 00:13:18 [TRUCK HONKS]
208 00:13:20 [TIRES SQUEAL]
209 00:13:21 DOUG:Aw, Jesus Christ!
210 00:13:22 - Oh, my God!- That was awesome!
211 00:13:25 That was not awesome.What's wrong with you?
212 00:13:28 - That was insane. We almost just died.- You should have seen your face.
213 00:13:34 - Classic.- That's funny. Ha-ha.
214 00:13:36 It's not funny.
215 00:13:53 [MAN WHISTLES]
216 00:13:55 - Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.- Don't touch it.
217 00:14:00 Don't even look at it. Go on, get out.
218 00:14:04 You heard me.Don't look at me, either.
219 00:14:09 Yeah, you better walk on.
220 00:14:12 - He's actually kind of funny.- Yeah, he means well.
221 00:14:15 ALAN:I'll hit an old man in public.
222 00:14:18 Is he all there? Like, mentally?
223 00:14:21 I think so. He's just an odd guy.You know, he's kind of weird.
224 00:14:24 - I mean, should we be worried?- No.
225 00:14:26 - All right.- No.
226 00:14:28 Tracy did mentionthat we shouldn't let him gamble.
227 00:14:31 Or drink too much.
228 00:14:33 Jesus, he's like a gremlin.Comes with instructions and shit.
229 00:14:37 STU:And one water.
230 00:14:39 - All good with Melissa?- Oh, yeah.
231 00:14:41 Told her we're two hoursoutside of wine country, and she bought it.
232 00:14:47 You think it's strange you've beenin a relationship for years...
233 00:14:50 ...and you have to lie about Vegas?
234 00:14:52 Yeah, I do.But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
235 00:14:55 Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she canfuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
236 00:15:00 Hey.
237 00:15:01 Okay, first of all, he was a bartender.
238 00:15:05 And she was wasted.
239 00:15:07 And, if you must know,he didn't even come inside her.
240 00:15:11 And you believe that?
241 00:15:13 Uh, yeah, I do believe that,because she's grossed out by semen.
242 00:15:18 That'll be 32.50.
243 00:15:20 It's 32.50, you gonna pay for it?
244 00:15:25 It says here we should work in teams.Who wants to be my spotter?
245 00:15:30 I don't think you should be doingtoo much gambling tonight, Alan.
246 00:15:34 Gambling?Who said anything about gambling?
247 00:15:36 It's not gamblingwhen you know you're gonna win.
248 00:15:38 Counting cards is a foolproof system.
249 00:15:40 It's also illegal.
250 00:15:42 It's not illegal, it's frowned upon,like masturbating on an airplane.
251 00:15:47 [CHUCKLES]
252 00:15:49 I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
253 00:15:50 Yeah, maybe after 9/11,where everybody got so sensitive.
254 00:15:56 Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
255 00:15:59 Either way, you gotta be super smartto count cards, buddy, okay?
256 00:16:03 ALAN: Oh, really?- It's not easy.
257 00:16:04 Well maybe we should tell thatto Rain Man...
258 00:16:06 ...because he practically bankrupteda casino, and he was a retard.
259 00:16:10 What?
260 00:16:11 He was a retard.
261 00:16:14 Retard.
262 00:16:55 PHIL:Here we go.
263 00:16:59 WOMAN:Hi, welcome to Caesars.
264 00:17:01 STU: Hello.WOMAN: Checking in?
265 00:17:02 Yeah. We have a reservationunder Dr. Price.
266 00:17:05 LISA:Okay, let me look that up for you.
267 00:17:07 Dr. Price?
268 00:17:08 Stu, you're a dentist, okay?Don't try and get fancy.
269 00:17:12 - It's not fancy if it's true.- He's a dentist. Don't get too excited.
270 00:17:17 And if, uh, someone has a heart attack,you should still call 911.
271 00:17:20 We'll be sure to do that.
272 00:17:22 Can I ask you a question?Do you know if the hotel's pager-friendly?
273 00:17:25 - What do you mean?- I'm not getting a sig on my beeper.
274 00:17:29 - I'm not sure.ALAN: Is there a payphone bank?
275 00:17:32 Bunch of payphones? Business.
276 00:17:36 Um, there's a phone in your room.
277 00:17:39 That'll work.
278 00:17:40 So I have you in a two-bedroom suiteon the 12th floor, is that okay?
279 00:17:44 It sounds perfect.
280 00:17:45 Actually, I was wonderingif you had any villas.
281 00:17:48 - We're not even gonna be in the room.- It's unnecessary.
282 00:17:51 No big deal. We can share beds.It's one night.
283 00:17:53 If we're share beds,I'm bunking with Phil.
284 00:17:56 - You good with that?- No, I'm not.
285 00:17:58 Guys, we are not sharing beds.What are we, 12 years old?
286 00:18:02 Lisa, I apologize.How much is the villa?
287 00:18:04 Well, we have one villa available,and it's 4200 for the night.
288 00:18:07 - Is it awesome?- It's pretty awesome.
289 00:18:09 - We'll take it. Give her your credit card.- I can't give her my credit card.
290 00:18:14 - We'll split it.- Are you crazy? No, this is on us.
291 00:18:19 You don't get it.Melissa checks my statements.
292 00:18:22 We just need a credit card on file.
293 00:18:24 We won't charge you until check out,so you can figure it out then.
294 00:18:27 That's perfect. Thank you, Lisa.We'll deal with it tomorrow. Come on.
295 00:18:31 Fine.
296 00:18:34 - Can I ask you another question?LISA: Sure.
297 00:18:36 You probably get this a lot.
298 00:18:37 This isn't the real Caesars Palace,is it?
299 00:18:40 What do you mean?
300 00:18:42 Did, uh...
301 00:18:45 - Did Caesar live here?- Um, no.
302 00:18:49 I didn't think so.
303 00:18:59 STU:Holy shit.
304 00:19:02 [PHIL GROANS]
305 00:19:03 PHIL:Now, this is Vegas.
306 00:19:05 DOUG:Oh, my... This place is enormous.
307 00:19:09 PHIL:Now we're talking.
308 00:19:11 Is this all one suite?
309 00:19:14 Thank you, guys.
310 00:19:16 Or should I say, "Thank you, Stu"?
311 00:19:18 You're welcome.It's only because I love you.
312 00:19:21 Hey, guys. Look, free almonds.
313 00:19:25 - Oh, no, no, no. Please put those back.- Wait, I'm just hungry.
314 00:19:28 - Well, I know, but...- Stu, what the fuck?
315 00:19:31 It's a pressure-sensitive plate. When you pickit up, you have 30 seconds to put it back...
316 00:19:35 ...or they bill you.ALAN: That's pretty neat.
317 00:19:37 STU: It may be neat,but it's also very expensive, so...
318 00:19:40 Those almonds are probably, like, $14.
319 00:19:43 Stu, relax.
320 00:19:45 Phil, Melissa is likea forensic accountant, okay?
321 00:19:48 She scours my statements.If you want nuts...
322 00:19:50 ...put your own credit card down.- Watch this.
323 00:19:56 Problem solved.Alan, enjoy your almonds.
324 00:19:59 I don't want them. He ruined it.
325 00:20:02 All right, let's pick a room, let's getdressed. Be ready in 30 minutes.
326 00:20:07 I just wish you could see this place,because you, of all people, would love it.
327 00:20:12 Yeah. No, it's so quaint.
328 00:20:17 Yeah, no, there's no TVs, no phones.
329 00:20:19 They just have these cute little antiqueradios in all the rooms.
330 00:20:23 Yeah.
331 00:20:26 What else? Um...
332 00:20:28 We met the, uh, proprietor.
333 00:20:30 - Oh, I bet you...STU: What's his name?
334 00:20:33 Um, Caesar. Palacé.
335 00:20:35 Yeah, like the salad.
336 00:20:38 Okay. Well, listen, I gotta go,because we're gonna hit this wine tasting.
337 00:20:42 Wait, wait. I love you. Okay. Bye.
338 00:20:46 I'm not even gonna say anything,it's so embarrassing.
339 00:20:49 - Where's Alan?- He, uh, he went downstairs.
340 00:20:52 He said he had to grab a few things.
341 00:20:54 Good, because I have somethingto show you.
342 00:21:01 DOUG:Uh-Oh.
343 00:21:02 - What the hell is that?STU: What do you think?
344 00:21:04 If it's what I think it is,I think it's a big fucking mistake.
345 00:21:08 I'm gonna propose to Melissaat your wedding. After the ceremony.
346 00:21:11 - Stuey, congratulations!- Thank you, Doug.
347 00:21:15 - That's a beautiful ring.- Yeah. It's my grandmother's.
348 00:21:18 She made it all the way throughthe Holocaust with that thing.
349 00:21:21 Wait, have you not listenedto anything I have ever said?
350 00:21:24 Phil, we've been dating for three years.It's time. This is how it works.
351 00:21:28 A, that is bullshit.And B, she is a complete bitch.
352 00:21:31 Hey, that's his fiancée.
353 00:21:34 What? It's true. It's true.You know it's true. She beats him.
354 00:21:37 That was twice, and I was out of line.
355 00:21:40 She's strong-willed. And I respect that.
356 00:21:43 Wow. Wow.
357 00:21:45 He's in denial.Not to mention, she fucked a sailor.
358 00:21:48 DOUG:Hey, he wasn't a sailor.
359 00:21:50 He was a bartender on a cruise ship.You know that.
360 00:21:53 Guys, I'm standing right here.So I can hear everything that you're saying.
361 00:21:58 Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out?
362 00:22:00 - What?- Do what?
363 00:22:02 ALAN:Let the dogs out. You know.
364 00:22:03 [SINGING "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT"]
365 00:22:06 Who brought this guy?
366 00:22:07 DOUG: Yes, Alan, we are readyto let the dogs out.
367 00:22:10 - Hey, congrats.- Thank you.
368 00:22:24 I love this fucking town.
369 00:22:34 - You're not really wearing that, are you?- Wearing what?
370 00:22:37 The man-purse.
371 00:22:39 You're actually gonna wear thator are you guys fucking with me?
372 00:22:42 It's where I keep all my things.I get a lot of compliments on this.
373 00:22:45 Plus, it's not a man-purse.It's called a satchel.
374 00:22:48 Indiana Jones wears one.
375 00:22:50 So does Joy Behar.
376 00:22:55 - We're going up, guys.- Yeah, that's perfect.
377 00:22:57 STU:Really?
378 00:22:59 We're going up?
379 00:23:06 I'm just saying,it's clearly marked, okay?
380 00:23:09 We are definitelynot supposed to be up here.
381 00:23:11 Come on, we're paying for a villa.We can do whatever the fuck we want.
382 00:23:14 - Yeah, but...- Just wedge the door open.
383 00:23:16 - Guys, come on up here.- Fine.
384 00:23:23 DOUG:How the hell did you find this place?
385 00:23:25 Don't worry about it.
386 00:23:27 Oh!
387 00:23:29 - You all right?- Yeah.
388 00:23:31 - Look at the view up here.- You happy?
389 00:23:35 - This is great.- Whoa!
390 00:23:36 [PHIL CHUCKLES]
391 00:23:37 Are you kidding?
392 00:23:39 PHIL: Alan, how we doing, buddy?- Good.
393 00:23:41 DOUG: What do you got over there, Alan?STU: That's the Eiffel Tower.
394 00:23:45 Uh-oh.
395 00:23:46 - Right?- A little Jägermeister.
396 00:23:48 - Good idea.- There it is. Good call.
397 00:23:50 On the roof.
398 00:23:51 Um, no, this is good.I'd like to make a toast.
399 00:23:55 To Doug and Tracy.
400 00:23:57 May tonight be...
401 00:24:00 ...but a minor speed bump...
402 00:24:03 ...in an otherwise very longand healthy marriage.
403 00:24:06 - Cheers.- Cheers.
404 00:24:07 Short and sweet.
405 00:24:12 DOUG:Oh, it's like college.
406 00:24:13 - All right. I wanna talk about something.DOUG: All right.
407 00:24:16 - I want to...ALAN: I'd like to...
408 00:24:18 I'd like to say something...
409 00:24:21 ...that I prepared...
410 00:24:23 ...tonight.- All right, Alan.
411 00:24:30 "Hello.
412 00:24:33 How about that ride in?
413 00:24:35 I guess that's why they call itSin City.
414 00:24:38 [ALAN CHUCKLES]
415 00:24:40 You guys might not know this,but I consider myself a bit of a loner.
416 00:24:45 I tend to think of myselfas a one-man wolf pack.
417 00:24:50 But when my sister brought Doug home,I knew he was one of my own.
418 00:24:54 And my wolf pack, it grew by one.
419 00:24:58 So were there two...So there were two of us in the wolf pack.
420 00:25:01 I was alone first in the pack,and then Doug joined in later.
421 00:25:07 And six months ago...
422 00:25:08 ...when Doug introduced me to you guys,I thought:
423 00:25:12 'Wait a second. Could it be? 'And now, I know for sure.
424 00:25:16 I just added two more guysto my wolf pack."
425 00:25:19 - All right.- All right.
426 00:25:21 ALAN:"Four of us wolves...
427 00:25:23 ...running around the desert togetherin Las Vegas...
428 00:25:27 ...looking for strippers and cocaine."
429 00:25:29 So tonight...
430 00:25:32 ...I make a toast.- Whoa.
431 00:25:33 - What...?- What do you got there?
432 00:25:35 PHIL: Dude, what the fuck?DOUG: What the hell are you doing?
433 00:25:38 [ALAN GROANS]
434 00:25:41 - What is that?- Blood brothers.
435 00:25:44 - Don't... Why did you...?- Damn it.
436 00:25:46 - Here.- Alan...
437 00:25:47 - No.- No, I'm not doing that.
438 00:25:49 ALAN: Go ahead, Stuart.- Make him stop.
439 00:25:51 Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves.Give me the knife.
440 00:25:53 Slowly. Thank you.Okay. Thank you very much.
441 00:25:56 PHIL: You all right? Are you okay?ALAN: Mm-hm.
442 00:25:58 - Do you need a doctor?- He's good.
443 00:26:00 PHIL: You sure?ALAN: I'm good.
444 00:26:01 All right, good,because I need everybody to focus.
445 00:26:04 I wanna take a moment, I wanna talkabout some... I wanna talk about memory.
446 00:26:08 No, better yet,I wanna talk about selective memory.
447 00:26:11 You see, whatever happens here tonightmay as well never have happened at all...
448 00:26:17 ...because this circle's about as faras it's ever gonna go.
449 00:26:20 In other words, forget everything.
450 00:26:24 [CHUCKLES]
451 00:26:25 Doug, I'm serious. I got a wife and kid.
452 00:26:28 Okay, good or bad, we don't rememberso we got nothing to talk about.
453 00:26:32 Nothing, guys. Nothing.
454 00:26:35 Deal?
455 00:26:37 - Deal.STU: Deal.
456 00:26:39 - Perfect. Alan, come here, buddy.STU: Get in here, crazy.
457 00:26:44 All right, to a nightwe'll never remember...
458 00:26:50 ...but the four of uswill never forget.
459 00:26:57 STU: There it is.PHIL: Hear, hear.
460 00:26:59 DOUG:Hey, thanks, guys.
461 00:28:34 [GRUNTS & GROANS]
462 00:28:42 [ALAN GRUNTS]
463 00:29:13 [GROWLING]
464 00:29:26 Hm.
465 00:29:27 Stupid tiger.
466 00:29:31 [GASPS]
467 00:29:33 [TIGER ROARS]
468 00:29:35 [ALAN AND PHIL GRUNT]
469 00:29:36 PHIL:What the fuck?
470 00:29:39 Control yourself, man.Goddamn, will you put on some pants?
471 00:29:42 - Phil, do not go in the bathroom.- AI, just calm down. It's me.
472 00:29:45 Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.
473 00:29:47 - What's going on?- There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!
474 00:29:50 - Okay, okay, Al. Al, I'll check it out.ALAN: Don't go in.
475 00:29:53 Don't go in, don't go in.Be careful. Don't, don't.
476 00:29:56 [TIGER GROWLS]
477 00:29:58 - Oh! Holy fuck! He's not kidding.ALAN: See? See?
478 00:30:00 - There's a tiger in there.- No, there isn't.
479 00:30:03 Yeah!
480 00:30:04 - It's big. Gigantic.- You okay, buddy?
481 00:30:08 No. I am in so much pain right now.
482 00:30:11 Goddamn. Look at this place.
483 00:30:14 Whew.
484 00:30:16 I know. Phil, they have my credit carddownstairs. I am so screwed.
485 00:30:20 How does a tiger get in the bathroom?It almost killed me.
486 00:30:23 Hey, bro?You mind putting on some pants?
487 00:30:25 I find it a little weirdI have to ask twice.
488 00:30:27 ALAN: Pants at a time like this?I don't have any p...
489 00:30:31 What the fuck happened last night?
490 00:30:33 Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?
491 00:30:37 I can't... Oh, shit.
492 00:30:42 Oh, my God.
493 00:30:45 My lateral incisor's... It's gone!
494 00:30:47 It's okay. Okay, okay. Just calm down.We're fine. Everything's fine.
495 00:30:52 Alan, go wake up Doug.
496 00:30:53 Let's get some coffee and get the fuckout of Nevada before housekeeping shows.
497 00:30:57 What am I gonna tell Melissa? I lost a tooth.I have no idea how it happened.
498 00:31:01 You're freaking me out, man.
499 00:31:02 I got a massive headache, okay?Let's just calm down.
500 00:31:05 How am I supposed to calm down?Look around you.
501 00:31:08 - Hey, guys, he's not in there.- Did you check all the rooms?
502 00:31:11 Yeah, I looked everywhere.Plus, his mattress is gone.
503 00:31:14 He probably went to the poolto get something to eat.
504 00:31:17 I'll just call his cell.
505 00:31:19 I look like a nerdy hillbilly.
506 00:31:25 [CELL PHONE RINGING]
507 00:31:35 - Hello?- Alan.
508 00:31:37 Hey.
509 00:31:39 - It's Phil.- Oh, hey, Phi...
510 00:31:42 This is Doug's phone.This is Doug's phone.
511 00:31:45 PHIL: No shit.- Yeah.
512 00:31:47 [BABY CRYING]
513 00:31:50 What the fuck is that?
514 00:31:59 Whose fucking baby is that?
515 00:32:01 Alan, are you sure you didn't seeanyone else in the suite?
516 00:32:04 Yeah, I checked all the rooms.No one's here.
517 00:32:06 Check its collar or something.
518 00:32:09 Shh. Shh.
519 00:32:11 - It's okay, baby.- Stu, we don't have time for this.
520 00:32:14 Let's go hook up with Doug,we'll deal with the baby later.
521 00:32:16 Phil, we're not gonna leave a babyin the room.
522 00:32:19 - There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom.- It's not our baby.
523 00:32:22 Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
524 00:32:24 All right, fine.Okay, we'll take it with us.
525 00:32:26 Could you at least just find some pants?
526 00:32:36 Why can't we remember a goddamn thingfrom last night?
527 00:32:40 Because we obviouslyhad a great fucking time.
528 00:32:44 Why don't you just stop worryingfor one minute?
529 00:32:47 Be proud of yourself.
530 00:32:49 I don't know, Phil.Maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth.
531 00:32:53 Or maybe it's becausethere's a tiger in our hotel room...
532 00:32:58 ...which, incidentally,is completely destroyed.
533 00:33:03 Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, I know.
534 00:33:06 Maybe it's because we found a baby,a human baby.
535 00:33:11 That's it. That's it.
536 00:33:12 It's because we found a fucking baby.
537 00:33:17 - You shouldn't curse around the child.- Really? You shouldn't be around a child.
538 00:33:21 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
539 00:33:28 Oh, how cute. What's his name?
540 00:33:32 - Ben.- Carlos.
541 00:33:36 Carlos?
542 00:33:48 Thank you.
543 00:33:55 Hey, Phil, look.
544 00:33:57 [ALAN LAUGHING]
545 00:34:01 He's jacking his little weenis.
546 00:34:03 - Pull yourself together, man.- Not at the table, Carlos.
547 00:34:07 [ALAN & PHIL CHUCKLE]
548 00:34:11 I looked everywhere.
549 00:34:13 Gym, casino, front desk.Nobody's seen Doug. He's not here.
550 00:34:16 He's fine. He's a grown man.
551 00:34:18 Seriously, Stu, you gotta calm down.Here, have some juice.
552 00:34:26 I can't have juice right now.
553 00:34:27 Okay. All right.Let's just track this thing.
554 00:34:30 [PHIL COUGHS]
555 00:34:31 What's the last thingwe remember doing last night?
556 00:34:34 Well, the first thing waswe were on the roof...
557 00:34:36 ...and were having those shots of Jäger.
558 00:34:38 [RETCHES & COUGHS]
559 00:34:40 And then we ate dinnerat The Palm. Right?
560 00:34:43 That's right.
561 00:34:44 And then we played craps atthe Hard Rock, and I think Doug was there.
562 00:34:48 That sounds right.No, no. He definitely was.
563 00:34:50 You know what, guys?I don't even remember going to dinner.
564 00:34:53 What the fuck?I don't think I've ever been this hung-over.
565 00:34:56 After the Hard Rock, I blacked out.It was like emptiness.
566 00:34:59 [LAUGHS]
567 00:35:00 Okay. We have up until 10 p. M...
568 00:35:02 ...so that gives us a 12-hour windowwhere we could have lost him.
569 00:35:06 ALAN: What is this?- Oh, my God. That is my tooth.
570 00:35:10 Why do you have that?What else is in your pockets?
571 00:35:13 This is a good thing. No.Check your pockets. Check your pockets.
572 00:35:16 Do you have anything?
573 00:35:18 I have an ATM receiptfrom the Bellagio.
574 00:35:21 Eleven-oh-five for $800!I am so fucked.
575 00:35:28 I have a valet ticket from Caesars.Looks like we got in at 5:15 a.m.
576 00:35:32 Oh, shit. We drove last night?
577 00:35:34 [ALAN LAUGHS]
578 00:35:36 Driving drunk. Classic.
579 00:35:38 [LAUGHS]
580 00:35:41 What's on your arm?
581 00:35:44 - What the fuck is that?- Jesus, Phil.
582 00:35:46 - You were in the hospital last night.- I guess so, yeah.
583 00:35:49 - You okay?- Yeah, Alan. I'm fine.
584 00:35:51 What the hell is going on?
585 00:35:53 Well, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing.We have a lead now.
586 00:35:56 Hey, Stu, watch this.
587 00:35:59 [LAUGHS]
588 00:36:01 [CHUCKLES]
589 00:36:02 - You ever seen a baby do that?- Dude, Alan, not cool.
590 00:36:07 So, uh, are you sure you're qualifiedto be taking care of that baby?
591 00:36:13 What? I've found a baby before.
592 00:36:15 - You found a baby before?- Yeah.
593 00:36:17 - Where?- Coffee Bean.
594 00:36:20 STU:Wait, what?
595 00:36:22 Hey, Phil? I don't think Dougwould want us to take the Mercedes.
596 00:36:25 Relax, we'll be careful.
597 00:36:26 My dad is crazy about that car.He left Doug in charge...
598 00:36:29 Alan. We got bigger problems here.
599 00:36:32 Doug could be in the hospital,he could be hurt.
600 00:36:34 [CRANE BEEPING]
601 00:36:35 - Let's worry about the car later.- Uh, guys? Check it out.
602 00:36:42 MAN:All right, grab it from the other side.
603 00:36:44 Is that the mattress from Doug's room?
604 00:36:47 PHIL:What the fuck?
605 00:36:50 Hey, man, what's going on here?
606 00:36:52 Some asshole threw his bedout the window last night.
607 00:36:56 - No shit.- Yeah.
608 00:36:58 Some guys just can't handle Vegas.
609 00:37:02 Ha-ha.
610 00:37:04 Oh, God.
611 00:37:06 It's gonna be okay, Stu.
612 00:37:09 How the hell did we manage that?
613 00:37:15 - Here's your car, officers.- Oh, God.
614 00:37:18 All right, everybody act cool.All right, don't say a word.
615 00:37:21 Come on, let's just get in and go.Come on.
616 00:37:27 - Stu, you got a five?STU: No.
617 00:37:30 PHIL: I'll hit you on the way back.VALET: Thank you, sir.
618 00:37:33 Oh, my God.Oh, my God.
619 00:37:35 [BABY CRYING]
620 00:37:37 You just nailed the baby.
621 00:37:39 ALAN:Are my glasses okay?
622 00:37:41 Your glasses are fine, dick.
623 00:37:47 [CAR HORN HONKING]
624 00:37:49 STU:This is so illegal.
625 00:37:52 Can't you see the fun part in anything?
626 00:37:55 Yeah, we're stuck in trafficin a stolen police car...
627 00:37:58 ...with a missing childin the back seat.
628 00:38:00 Which part of this is fun?
629 00:38:02 - I think the cop-car part's pretty cool.- Thank you, Alan. It is cool.
630 00:38:07 Doug would love it.
631 00:38:09 Come on.
632 00:38:13 [SIREN WAILING]
633 00:38:14 - Check this out.STU: Oh, no. No, Phil. No, Phil.
634 00:38:17 Don't do this!
635 00:38:18 PHIL: Take it easy.- Just try to call more attention to us.
636 00:38:20 PHIL [OVER PA]: Attention.- Sorry.
637 00:38:22 PHIL:Attention, please. Move out of the way.
638 00:38:24 I repeat, please disperse.
639 00:38:28 Phil, stop the car, I wanna get out.Stop the car, I wanna get out. Pull over.
640 00:38:32 Ma'am, in the leopard dress,you have an amazing rack.
641 00:38:37 STU: Get off the sidewalk!Get off the sidewalk!
642 00:38:39 I should have been a fucking cop.
643 00:38:41 [STU SCREAMS]
644 00:38:48 Look, I already told you.
645 00:38:49 You came in with a mild concussion,some bruised ribs. No big deal.
646 00:38:52 Although none of you could articulatehow it happened.
647 00:38:55 Do you remember how many of uswere here?
648 00:38:58 Ah...
649 00:38:59 I don't know. I think it was just you guys.Definitely no baby.
650 00:39:03 - And one other guy.- That's our guy. Was he okay?
651 00:39:07 Yeah. He was fine.Just whacked out of his mind. You all were.
652 00:39:11 All right, come forward.And turn.
653 00:39:15 All right.
654 00:39:17 There you go. And cough.
655 00:39:19 [MAN COUGHING]
656 00:39:21 Cough. Cough. Give me one more.
657 00:39:25 All right. Thattaboy.
658 00:39:29 Okay, Felix, you can put your robe on.
659 00:39:31 And the nurse will be in herein a minute.
660 00:39:33 I'll see you after the weekend.
661 00:39:35 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, doctor.
662 00:39:40 Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry.I have a surgery up on the fourth floor.
663 00:39:45 No, I know. But we just needa couple more minutes of your time.
664 00:39:50 Yeah. Tuck it right in there.I don't want to re-sterilize.
665 00:39:55 Walk with me.
666 00:39:59 Okay, here we go. Patient name,Phil Wenneck, 2:45 a.m. Arrival.
667 00:40:04 Minor concussion, like I said.Some bruising. Pretty standard.
668 00:40:07 Do you mind if I look?I'm actually a doctor.
669 00:40:10 Yeah, you said that several times last night.But really, you're just a dentist.
670 00:40:15 Okay, this is interesting.Your blood work came in this morning.
671 00:40:19 Wow.
672 00:40:22 They found a large amount of Ruphylinin your system.
673 00:40:26 Ruphylin. Roofies.Commonly known as the date-rape drug.
674 00:40:29 What, so, what are you saying,I was raped last night?
675 00:40:33 Actually...
676 00:40:39 I don't think so.But someone did slip you the drug.
677 00:40:42 I'm not surprisedyou don't remember anything.
678 00:40:44 [CHUCKLES]
679 00:40:45 Doc, none of us can remember anythingfrom last night. Remember?
680 00:40:49 Yeah. How could someonehave drugged all of us?
681 00:40:52 VALSH:I wouldn't worry about it.
682 00:40:53 The stuff's out of your system.You're gonna be fine.
683 00:40:56 Wait, wait, wait. Please, doctor.Is there anything else?
684 00:40:59 Like, something we may have been talkingabout, or some place we were going?
685 00:41:03 Actually, there was something.
686 00:41:05 You guys kept talking about some weddinglast night.
687 00:41:08 Yeah. No shit. Our buddy Doug'sgetting married tomorrow.
688 00:41:11 - You know what? I want the 100 back.- No, no. Easy.
689 00:41:13 You kept talking about some weddingyou just came from.
690 00:41:16 At the, uh, Best Little Chapel.
691 00:41:17 You kept saying how sick the wedding wasand getting all crazy about it.
692 00:41:21 Okay, I hope this helps.I really have to leave.
693 00:41:23 Best Little Chapel,do you know where that is?
694 00:41:26 I do. It's at the corner of Get A Mapand Fuck Off.
695 00:41:32 I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.
696 00:41:34 Figure it out yourself, okay?You're big boys.
697 00:41:49 ALAN:What about the baby?
698 00:41:50 PHIL: Leave him in the car.We're gonna be five minutes.
699 00:41:53 STU:Whoa, we're not leaving a baby in the car.
700 00:41:55 He'll be fine. I cracked the window.
701 00:42:02 - What if they don't remember us?- Well, let's just find out.
702 00:42:06 I'm sor... Excuse me, sir? Hi.
703 00:42:08 [EDDIE LAUGHS]
704 00:42:10 Look at these guys.
705 00:42:12 What happened? You miss me?You miss Eddie? You want more from me?
706 00:42:15 How are you, my friend?Look at this guy. You're fucking crazy.
707 00:42:19 What's going on, man?
708 00:42:20 Listen, I'm gonna tell you something.I know some sick people in my life.
709 00:42:24 This guy is the craziest, wildest bastardI ever met in my life, man.
710 00:42:29 - This guy?- This guy is out of his mind.
711 00:42:31 What's going on,you fucking crazy motherfucker?
712 00:42:33 I thought he was gonna eat my dick.
713 00:42:36 What happened?No love for Eddie? You don't hug me?
714 00:42:38 No, no. It's not that, Eddie.
715 00:42:41 Uh, it's just that we're having a hard timeremembering what happened here last night.
716 00:42:45 Yeah, was there a wedding here?Do you do weddings here?
717 00:42:48 [LAUGHS]
718 00:42:50 You are cracking my balls, man.
719 00:42:51 I love these guys.Zolea, what are you doing?
720 00:42:55 Bring my friends some tea,some baklava, huh? Come on.
721 00:42:57 Unbelievable, man. Look at this chick.Beautiful ass, no fucking brain.
722 00:43:01 But this is Vegas. You want intimacy,forget it. You're gonna get sex.
723 00:43:05 That's it here, man.No problem for me, though.
724 00:43:07 You want chicks?I can get you beautiful chicks...
725 00:43:10 ...from the Eastern Bloc. No questions.
726 00:43:12 Clean, tight.The tits like that, the nipple like that.
727 00:43:15 Obviously we were here.We're looking for our friend Doug.
728 00:43:18 - Do you remember?- Yeah, the small guy. Like a monkey.
729 00:43:21 - Yeah.- You saw him?
730 00:43:22 Of course.
731 00:43:23 Is there anything you can tell us aboutwhat may have happened last night?
732 00:43:29 You don't remember nothing?
733 00:43:32 [STU GROANS]
734 00:43:34 - Congratulations, Stu, you got married.- This... This can't be happening.
735 00:43:39 - Oh, God.ALAN: Look at that.
736 00:43:42 [STU GROANING]
737 00:43:45 I'll tell you one thing,you look seriously happy here, man.
738 00:43:50 STU:That's it. My life is over.
739 00:43:52 Stu, it's okay. Look, shit happens.
740 00:43:53 Come on. Melissa's not gonna knowanything about this.
741 00:43:56 - This never happened. I'll take care of it.- Come on. Put it here.
742 00:43:59 Hey, what's all that?
743 00:44:01 The High Roller package.It's what you ordered. I have coffee mugs.
744 00:44:05 - What?EDDIE: You have baseball caps, huh?
745 00:44:07 And fancy calendars, all with picturesof Stu and Jade.
746 00:44:11 PHIL:Her name's Jade?
747 00:44:12 Yeah, and she's beautiful, man.Clean, very tight. Tits like that.
748 00:44:15 - But that's because she had a baby.PHIL: That explains the baby.
749 00:44:18 - Oh, Carlos. Carlos.- Great. All right.
750 00:44:21 Uh, here's the deal.We made a mistake last night.
751 00:44:23 We need this marriage annulled.You do annulments?
752 00:44:25 Of course I do. It breaks my heartand gonna make me sad...
753 00:44:28 ...but it's no problem.Good price for you.
754 00:44:30 I can't do it with just him, though.I need the chick. I need both parties.
755 00:44:34 Oh, not a problem. That's great.Isn't that great, Stu?
756 00:44:37 Come on, buddy.She probably knows where Doug is.
757 00:44:39 - Awesome.- All right, all right. Okay. Uh...
758 00:44:43 We need her address.She filled out some paperwork, right?
759 00:44:46 Of course.
760 00:44:47 Hey. Excuse me. What is the matterwith you? Go and get the paperwork, man.
761 00:44:51 - I spend my life waiting for you. Come on.- Okay. I'm going.
762 00:44:54 EDDIE:And get the baklava, please.
763 00:45:00 - Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car?- I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back.
764 00:45:05 Then I vote we torch the cop carand all this shit with it.
765 00:45:09 - Torch it? Who are you?- I don't know, Phil.
766 00:45:13 Apparently I'm a guy who marriescomplete strangers.
767 00:45:16 This whole situation is completely fucked.
768 00:45:21 - These mugs. This hat. This car.- Hey!
769 00:45:25 It's all evidenceof a night that never happened.
770 00:45:28 That is why we're torching all of it.
771 00:45:30 Whoa, I'm a schoolteacher,I got a family, okay?
772 00:45:33 I'm all for secrecy,but I'm not gonna torch a cop car.
773 00:45:36 - Fine. I'll do it.- Can I help?
774 00:45:38 - Yeah, thanks.- And how exactly are you gonna do that?
775 00:45:40 Easy. You just pour kerosene over a ferret,light it on both ends, put it in.
776 00:45:44 They're attracted to the gas lines.
777 00:45:46 - What? A ferret?- Yeah. Yeah.
778 00:45:47 Or a tamed raccoon,but it's a lot of trouble.
779 00:45:50 ALAN: If you wanna...- Does it matter if it's tamed?
780 00:45:53 Yeah, because if it's untamed,it won't take the kerosene as well.
781 00:45:56 [CELL PHONE RINGING]
782 00:45:57 PHIL: Is it Doug?- I don't have it.
783 00:45:59 PHIL:It's Doug, it's Doug.
784 00:46:01 Uh, it's Melissa.
785 00:46:02 - Don't answer.- I have to. She's called twice already!
786 00:46:05 - Can I ride shotgun?PHIL: Don't touch me.
787 00:46:06 Hey, sweetheart, how are you?
788 00:46:08 There you are.This is the third time I'm trying you.
789 00:46:12 I know. The reception up here's crazy.
790 00:46:15 I think it's all the sequoia trees,block the signal.
791 00:46:18 Ugh, I hate that.So how was it last night?
792 00:46:21 Ah, it was really fun, actually.It was quiet, but it was a good time.
793 00:46:24 MELISSA:That sounds nice.
794 00:46:27 - I'm learning all kinds of vino factoids.- Hi.
795 00:46:30 [BABBLES]
796 00:46:31 It'd be so cool if I could breast-feed,you know?
797 00:46:34 STU:Well, listen...
798 00:46:36 ...we're about to go for a tractor ride.PHIL: What the fuck?
799 00:46:39 STU: I should get going. So pretty.MELISSA: A tractor ride?
800 00:46:43 [BASEBALL BAT THUDS]
801 00:46:44 - Go, out of the car!- What was that?
802 00:46:46 They started up the tractor.I think it backfired.
803 00:46:48 - Where the hell is he?PHIL: Hey, easy, easy.
804 00:46:51 I think we're looking forthe same guy, okay?
805 00:46:54 Hey! What the hell, man?
806 00:46:56 [CRYING]
807 00:46:57 MELISSA: What the fuck, Stu?Is that a baby?
808 00:47:00 Why would there be a baby?We're at a winery. That's a goat.
809 00:47:03 - Where is he?- I don't know! What are you talking about?
810 00:47:06 Sir, can you please start the tractorso we can get out of here?
811 00:47:09 I'm trying to, but we're fucking blocked.
812 00:47:11 Oh, my God!What the hell is happening, Stu?
813 00:47:14 - Hey! There's a baby on board!- Someone just said "baby."
814 00:47:17 - Get out of the car!- It's a baby goat.
815 00:47:20 Why you making troublefor my business, man?
816 00:47:22 - Go away from here.- Get out of the car!
817 00:47:24 - Phil, he's got a gun!- No shit he's got a gun!
818 00:47:26 - I gotta call you back. Bye.- Come on.
819 00:47:30 PHIL: Fuck! Shit.EDDIE: He shot me!
820 00:47:32 - He shot Eddie!- Fuck this shit!
821 00:47:35 [SQUEALING]
822 00:47:37 [SCREAMS]
823 00:47:38 PHIL:Fuck! Fuck!
824 00:47:40 Go, go, go!
825 00:47:45 MAN:Fuck.
826 00:47:46 Okay. Oh, that was some sick shit!
827 00:47:48 [BABY CRYING]
828 00:47:50 ALAN:Who were those guys?
829 00:47:51 STU: We're gonna be okay.Everything's gonna be okay.
830 00:47:53 What the fuck is going on?!
831 00:47:56 I have no idea.
832 00:47:58 [SIGHS]
833 00:47:59 [PANTING]
834 00:48:00 [CELL PHONE RINGING]
835 00:48:04 Why don't you just let thatgo to voicemail?
836 00:48:06 Ha-ha-ha.
837 00:48:09 That's a fake laugh, by the way.
838 00:48:14 It's got, uh, Ted Danson and MagnumP.I. And that Jewish actor.
839 00:48:19 Shut up, Alan.
840 00:48:21 - What room was it again?- It's 825.
841 00:48:23 WOMAN:I know, I did. I already checked with her.
842 00:48:26 I found him, I'll call you back.Thank God, he's with his father.
843 00:48:30 I was freaking out. I missed you, sweetie.
844 00:48:34 And I miss you.
845 00:48:37 [JADE MOANING]
846 00:48:41 No.
847 00:48:43 - What the hell happened to you guys?- Actually, we were hoping you could tell us.
848 00:48:47 What do you mean? I got up this morning,I went to get coffee...
849 00:48:50 ...and I came back and you were gone.
850 00:48:53 - Why are you being so quiet?- I'm not being quiet.
851 00:48:58 Ha, ha. You're so cute.
852 00:48:59 Yeah, I gotta feed Tyler.Come inside, you guys.
853 00:49:04 Did you hear that? Baby's name is Tyler.
854 00:49:07 Yeah. I thought he lookedmore like a Carlos too, bud.
855 00:49:14 Okay, what's up?You guys are acting weird.
856 00:49:18 - Look, it's Jade, right?- Very funny, Phil.
857 00:49:21 Right, Jade, uh, ahem,you remember our friend, Doug.
858 00:49:25 Are you kidding? He was the best man.
859 00:49:27 Exactly. Well, we can't find him,and we're getting worried.
860 00:49:30 JADE:Oh, my God, that is so Doug.
861 00:49:33 Ha, ha. Oh.
862 00:49:35 [CRYING]
863 00:49:36 Oh, sweetie, I'm...I'm gonna go clean him off.
864 00:49:38 It's all right, Daddy didn't mean it.
865 00:49:41 Oh, my God.
866 00:49:42 What the fuck, man,you gotta hold it together.
867 00:49:44 - Holy shit.- She is super hot.
868 00:49:46 - You should be proud of yourself.- She's wearing my grandmother's ring!
869 00:49:50 - What?- The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa.
870 00:49:52 You remember,my grandmother's Holocaust ring?
871 00:49:54 - Fuck. Okay.- She's wearing it.
872 00:49:56 I didn't know they gave out ringsat the Holocaust.
873 00:50:00 - He's okay.PHIL: Oh, good.
874 00:50:02 JADE: He was just hungry, he's fine.- Oh, good.
875 00:50:04 About last night, uh, ahem, do youremember the last time you saw Doug?
876 00:50:09 - Uh, I haven't seen him since the wedding.- The wedding. Okay. Great.
877 00:50:13 And, uh, we can't re...What time was that at?
878 00:50:16 Well, it was, um...
879 00:50:19 [CLEARING THROAT]
880 00:50:21 I guess it was around 1, because I hadto go back to work and finish my shift.
881 00:50:24 And then when I got out I headed overto the hotel with Tyler.
882 00:50:27 And was Doug there then?
883 00:50:29 I didn't see Doug because you guyswere passed out. The room was a wreck.
884 00:50:32 - So I just curled up next to Stu.PHIL: Uh-huh.
885 00:50:35 - Rowr.- Oh.
886 00:50:39 I got a question.Um, you said when your shift ended.
887 00:50:42 Does that mean you're a nurse?Or a blackjack dealer?
888 00:50:47 - You know this. I'm a stripper.- Mm-hm.
889 00:50:49 Well, technically I'm an escort, butstripping's a great way to meet the clients.
890 00:50:53 - Smart.- Savvy.
891 00:50:56 But that's all in the past,now that I married a doctor.
892 00:51:00 I'm just a dentist.
893 00:51:03 - Las Vegas Police! Freeze!- Okay.
894 00:51:04 [TYLER CRYING]
895 00:51:05 Shut that baby up! Shut that baby up!
896 00:51:07 STU: Oh, God!PHIL: Okay, okay, okay.
897 00:51:15 After we take the mug shots,we bring them down here...
898 00:51:18 ...where they wait to be interviewedby the arresting officers.
899 00:51:22 Trust me, kids, you do not wanna be sittingon these benches.
900 00:51:25 We call this place Loserville.
901 00:51:28 [KIDS LAUGHING]
902 00:51:30 FOLTZ:Follow me. All right, let's do it. Come on.
903 00:51:34 [SHUTTER CLICKS]
904 00:51:38 Hello.
905 00:51:39 - Hey, Tracy! It's Phil.TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Hey, Phil.
906 00:51:42 - Where are you guys?- We are at the spa at the hotel.
907 00:51:47 Cool. We're just getting some sun.Is Doug around?
908 00:51:50 Of course. Why wouldn't he be?
909 00:51:52 I'm just wonderingwhy you're calling me.
910 00:51:54 Um...
911 00:51:56 We made a deal,no talking to girlfriends or wives.
912 00:51:59 So we're all calling each other's.
913 00:52:03 TRACY:Okay. What's up?
914 00:52:04 Uh, you are not gonna believe this.We got comped an extra night at the hotel.
915 00:52:09 You did?
916 00:52:10 Yeah. The suite is... It's ridiculous.It's out of control.
917 00:52:13 There's, like, room service and a butler.I mean, just the works.
918 00:52:17 We're thinking of spending the night...
919 00:52:19 ...and we're gonna come backin the morning.
920 00:52:21 You wanna stay an extra night?But the wedding's tomorrow.
921 00:52:25 That's why we're gonna get up early,and we'll be back in plenty of time.
922 00:52:29 Okay. Are you sure that's a good idea?
923 00:52:31 Wenneck, Price, Garner. Room 3.
924 00:52:34 Okay, Trace, I gotta go.We'll talk to you later.
925 00:52:36 Uh...
926 00:52:40 - Come on, chop-chop.- Okay, spin around.
927 00:52:43 - That's it.- Goddamn it.
928 00:52:45 - Wait a second.- I'll go over. I'll go over.
929 00:52:47 PHIL: Stop pulling.ALAN: Can you just...? Hold on.
930 00:52:49 We got it. Alan, just relax.And then just... There we go.
931 00:52:52 Good.
932 00:52:56 [DOOR OPENS]
933 00:53:00 Gentlemen.
934 00:53:01 We've got some good news,and we've got some bad news.
935 00:53:05 The good news iswe found your Mercedes.
936 00:53:06 [PHIL CHUCKLES]
937 00:53:08 - That's great news.- That's great. See?
938 00:53:10 Yeah, it's over at impound right now.We picked it up at 5 a.m. This morning...
939 00:53:14 ...parked in the middleof Las Vegas Boulevard.
940 00:53:17 PHIL: In the middle. That's weird.- Yeah, that is weird.
941 00:53:21 There was also a note.
942 00:53:23 It says, uh, "Couldn't find a meter,but here's 4 bucks."
943 00:53:29 The bad news is...
944 00:53:32 ...we can't get you in front of a judgeuntil Monday morning.
945 00:53:35 Oh, no, uh, officer, that's just impossible.
946 00:53:39 No, we need to be in L.A. Tomorrowfor a wedding.
947 00:53:41 - You stole a police car.- We didn't steal anything. Um, we found it.
948 00:53:47 Yeah, if anything, we deserve a rewardor something, like a trophy.
949 00:53:50 - I see assholes like you every day.- Every fucking day.
950 00:53:54 "Let's go to Vegas,we'll all get drunk and laid!
951 00:53:56 - Yeah. Whoo! Woo-hoo.- Woo-hoo.
952 00:53:58 Let's steal a cop car,because it'd be really fucking funny."
953 00:54:01 Think you gonna get away with it?Not up in here.
954 00:54:04 - Not up in here!- Oh.
955 00:54:06 Uh...
956 00:54:09 Sir...
957 00:54:11 ...if I may, um...
958 00:54:12 ...l'm assuming that that squad carbelongs to one of you.
959 00:54:15 - Yeah.PHIL: Yeah.
960 00:54:17 Look, I'm not a cop.
961 00:54:20 I'm no hero. I'm a schoolteacher.
962 00:54:24 But if one of my kids went missingon a field trip...
963 00:54:28 ...that would look really bad on me.
964 00:54:31 - What are you getting at?- Yeah, Phil, what are you getting at?
965 00:54:34 No one wants to look bad.We gotta get to a wedding...
966 00:54:38 ...and you guys don't need peopletalking about...
967 00:54:40 ...how some obnoxious tourists borrowedyour squad car last night.
968 00:54:44 But look, the point is,I think we can work out a deal.
969 00:54:47 Discreetly of course, ma'am.
970 00:54:50 What do you say?
971 00:54:59 [LAUGHS]
972 00:55:01 FRANKLIN:Let me ask you a question:
973 00:55:02 Do, uh, any of you gentlemenhave a heart condition or anything like that?
974 00:55:08 Uh, no.
975 00:55:11 Okay, kids,you're in for a real treat today.
976 00:55:13 These gentlemen have kindly volunteeredto demonstrate...
977 00:55:16 ...how a stun gun is usedto subdue a suspect.
978 00:55:19 KIDS:Ooh!
979 00:55:21 - That's right.- Wait a sec. What?
980 00:55:22 Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun.Up close and personal.
981 00:55:25 [SCREAMS]
982 00:55:27 [LAUGHING]
983 00:55:28 - What the fuck?- Or you can shoot it from a distance.
984 00:55:31 Do I have any volunteers? You wannacome up here and do some shooting? Huh?
985 00:55:35 All right, how about you, young lady?Come on up here. All right.
986 00:55:38 Let's go, handsome, come on.
987 00:55:40 Not you, fat Jesus, slide it on back.You, pretty boy.
988 00:55:44 GIRL: Fat Jesus.FRANKLIN: All right, now, it's real simple.
989 00:55:46 All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot.
990 00:55:49 All right?
991 00:55:51 Okay, look.You don't really wanna do this.
992 00:55:54 You can do this. Just focus.
993 00:55:56 Don't listen to this maniac.Let's think this through.
994 00:55:59 Finish him!
995 00:56:00 PHIL: Oh, fuck.FRANKLIN: Yeah!
996 00:56:03 [GRUNTING & FRANKLIN LAUGHING]
997 00:56:04 Right in the nuts! That was beautiful.
998 00:56:07 [KIDS LAUGH]
999 00:56:08 - Well done. Give her a hand, everybody.- Good job. Good job.
1000 00:56:13 Good job. Well done. Good job.That was great.
1001 00:56:17 Good. Hey, we got one more charge left.Anybody wanna do some shooting up here?
1002 00:56:23 How about you, big man?Come on up here.
1003 00:56:41 Okay, same instructions.Just point, aim and shoot.
1004 00:56:49 There you go. That's the stuff.
1005 00:56:51 I like the intensity.
1006 00:56:54 Eye of the tiger. Good.
1007 00:56:56 You're holding 50,000 volts, little man.Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
1008 00:57:01 [GRUNTING]
1009 00:57:03 In the face! In the face!
1010 00:57:06 [LAUGHING]
1011 00:57:08 Oh, he's still up. He's still up.
1012 00:57:11 - Aah!- No.
1013 00:57:13 All right, everybody relax, take it easy.
1014 00:57:15 We've seen it before.He just needs a little extra charge.
1015 00:57:19 There we go.
1016 00:57:20 [FRANKLIN & GARDEN LAUGHING]
1017 00:57:22 Some of these big boys,you gotta give them two shots.
1018 00:57:25 All right, kids, who wants to get theirfingerprints done, huh? Come on, let's go.
1019 00:57:30 STU:Fuck those guys, you hear me?
1020 00:57:33 That was bullshit.I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car.
1021 00:57:36 - They let us go, who cares?- I care!
1022 00:57:39 You can't just do that. You can't justtase people because you think it's funny.
1023 00:57:44 That's police brutality.
1024 00:57:50 I'm getting a soda.Do you guys want anything?
1025 00:57:53 No.
1026 00:57:58 My man doesn't shut up. Jesus Christ.
1027 00:58:03 Alan, you okay?
1028 00:58:06 I'm just worried.
1029 00:58:09 What if something happened to Doug?Something bad.
1030 00:58:12 Come on, you can't think like that.
1031 00:58:14 I mean, what if he's dead?
1032 00:58:16 I can't afford to lose anybodyclose to me again. It hurts too much.
1033 00:58:20 - I was so upset when my grandpa died.- Oh, I'm s... How'd he die?
1034 00:58:24 - World War II.- Died in battle?
1035 00:58:27 No, he was skiing in Vermont.It was just during World War II.
1036 00:58:31 Alan...
1037 00:58:33 ...Doug is fine.- Well, why hasn't he called?
1038 00:58:36 I don't know,but we're gonna figure it out.
1039 00:58:39 I'll tell you another thing,6-1 odds our car is beat to shit.
1040 00:58:43 Stu, not now.
1041 00:58:44 No, how much do you wanna betit's fucked beyond recognition?
1042 00:58:47 That's enough. Alan's seriously worried,okay? Let's not freak him out any more.
1043 00:58:55 Sorry, Alan.
1044 00:58:56 You know what?
1045 00:58:58 We'll search the car for cluesand everything's gonna be okay.
1046 00:59:02 [CAR APPROACHING]
1047 00:59:03 PHIL: Oh, shit. I can't watch.Just tell me what it looks like.
1048 00:59:07 STU:Not looking. Not looking.
1049 00:59:11 - Wow. All right.PHIL: Oh, thank God.
1050 00:59:14 You see?
1051 00:59:17 It's gonna be all right.
1052 00:59:25 - Anything?STU: Hmm, I got a cigar.
1053 00:59:28 Oh, I found, uh...These are some black shoes.
1054 00:59:31 - They women's shoes?- I don't know.
1055 00:59:34 - Whose are those?- I don't know. It's a men's size 6.
1056 00:59:38 - That's weird.- What is this, a snakeskin?
1057 00:59:40 Oh, come on! Ew!
1058 00:59:42 - That's a used condom, Alan.- Oh, God. Blech!
1059 00:59:45 - Get it out of the car.STU: Gross, it's wet.
1060 00:59:47 - I don't want the thing.- Hey! Come on.
1061 00:59:50 I got jizz on me. Jesus Christ, guys!
1062 00:59:54 STU: Get it out.PHIL: Fuck!
1063 00:59:57 Oh, my God.
1064 00:59:59 All right, what the fuck, man?We gotta get this shit together, guys!
1065 01:00:03 [THUMPING ON METAL]
1066 01:00:06 What was that?
1067 01:00:08 It's in the trunk.
1068 01:00:10 - Doug's in the trunk.PHIL: Oh, fuck! Holy shit!
1069 01:00:13 Holy shit!
1070 01:00:15 - Open it! Open it! Open it!PHIL: Okay, okay, okay.
1071 01:00:17 Okay, okay, okay.
1072 01:00:19 [MAN & PHIL GRUNTING]
1073 01:00:21 ALAN:Oh God!
1074 01:00:24 Please! Please! Please stop!
1075 01:00:28 [STU GRUNTING]
1076 01:00:34 Whoa. I'm with you, I'm with you!
1077 01:00:36 - You gonna fuck on me?- Nobody's gonna fuck on you!
1078 01:00:40 We're on your side. I hate Godzilla!I hate him too. I hate him!
1079 01:00:44 He destroys cities! Please!
1080 01:00:47 This isn't your fault.I'll get you some pants.
1081 01:00:50 [GRUNTING]
1082 01:00:56 PHIL:What the fuck was that?
1083 01:01:00 STU: I have internal bleeding.Somebody call 911.
1084 01:01:04 That was some fucked up shit.
1085 01:01:07 Who was that guy? He was so mean.
1086 01:01:12 Guys, there's somethingI need to tell you.
1087 01:01:16 Last night on the roof,before we went out...
1088 01:01:21 ...I slipped somethingin our Jägermeister.
1089 01:01:25 - What?- I'm sorry, I fudged up, guys.
1090 01:01:29 - You drugged us?- No, I didn't drug you.
1091 01:01:32 I was told it was ecstasy.
1092 01:01:35 Well, who told you it was ecstasy?
1093 01:01:37 The guy I bought it fromat the liquor store.
1094 01:01:40 Why would you give us ecstasy?
1095 01:01:41 I wanted everybody to have a good timeand I knew you guys wouldn't take it.
1096 01:01:45 It was just one hit each.I used to do three hits a night.
1097 01:01:49 But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan,it was roofies!
1098 01:01:53 ALAN:You think I knew that, Stu?
1099 01:01:55 The guy I bought it fromseemed like a real straight shooter.
1100 01:01:58 You mean the drug dealer at the liquor storewasn't a good guy?
1101 01:02:01 Let's just calm down.
1102 01:02:02 You fucking calm down! He drugged us.I lost a tooth. I married a whore.
1103 01:02:08 - How dare you! She's a nice lady.- You are such a fucking moron.
1104 01:02:12 - Your language is offensive.STU: Fuck you!
1105 01:02:15 All right,let's just take a deep breath, okay?
1106 01:02:18 Seriously, this is a good thing.
1107 01:02:20 At least it's not some stranger whodrugged us for God knows what reason.
1108 01:02:24 Yeah, you're right, Phil,it's totally a good thing.
1109 01:02:28 We're so much better off now.
1110 01:02:30 Here's somethingI would like to remind you two of:
1111 01:02:34 Our best friend Doug is probablyfacedown in a ditch right now...
1112 01:02:38 ...with a meth-head butt-fuckinghis corpse.
1113 01:02:42 - That's highly unlikely.- It's true.
1114 01:02:44 Does not help.All right, let's get our shit together, guys.
1115 01:02:48 Let's go back to the hotel,and I'm gonna make a couple calls.
1116 01:02:51 Maybe Doug's back there.Maybe he's asleep.
1117 01:02:53 Come on. Let's go.
1118 01:02:56 - Stu? Little help?STU: Shut up.
1119 01:03:03 ALAN: Ow.- Oh, God. Oh, God, are you okay?
1120 01:03:06 ALAN: Yeah, I'm fine.- Alan, I'm sorry.
1121 01:03:19 Wait, guys. Guys.
1122 01:03:21 What about the tiger?What if he got out?
1123 01:03:23 Oh, fuck. I keep forgettingabout the goddamn tiger.
1124 01:03:28 How the fuck did he get in there?
1125 01:03:30 - I don't know, because I don't remember.- Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down.
1126 01:03:35 Because one of the, uh, side effects of, uh,roofies is memory loss.
1127 01:03:40 You are literally too stupid to insult.
1128 01:03:44 - Thank you.- Hey.
1129 01:03:48 [PHIL COLLINS' "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
1130 01:03:51 Hey, come on.
1131 01:03:56 Did we leave the music on?
1132 01:03:59 Hey. Shh.
1133 01:04:02 Don't make any sudden movements.
1134 01:04:06 - Unh. Whoa!- Aah!
1135 01:04:07 - Who the hell are you?- No, who are you?
1136 01:04:09 MAN:Quiet, quiet.
1137 01:04:14 Mike Tyson?
1138 01:04:15 Shh. This is my favorite partcoming up right now.
1139 01:04:23 [MIKE SINGING "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"]
1140 01:04:28 Need a chorus line, guys.
1141 01:04:29 [SINGING CHORUS]
1142 01:04:33 [CONTINUES SINGING]
1143 01:04:38 One more time, guys.
1144 01:04:39 [SINGING CHORUS]
1145 01:04:41 PHIL:Oh, Jesus!
1146 01:04:44 Oh, fuck!
1147 01:04:46 Why did you do that?
1148 01:04:48 Mr. Tyson would like to knowwhy is his tiger in your bathroom.
1149 01:04:52 Hold on,that was completely unnecessary.
1150 01:04:54 I'm a huge fan.When you knocked out Holmes, that was...
1151 01:04:57 Explain.
1152 01:04:59 All right, look, we were drugged last night.We have no memory of what happened.
1153 01:05:03 STU:It's true.
1154 01:05:04 We got in all kinds of trouble last nightand now we can't find our friend.
1155 01:05:08 If you wanna kill us,go ahead because I don't care anymore.
1156 01:05:11 - What are you talking about?- I don't care.
1157 01:05:13 Why the fuckwould you wanna steal his tiger?
1158 01:05:16 We tend to do dumb shitwhen we're fucked up.
1159 01:05:19 - I don't believe these guys, man.- Wait, how did you guys find us?
1160 01:05:23 One of you dropped your jacket.Found it in the tigers' cage this morning.
1161 01:05:27 That's Doug's.
1162 01:05:28 Yeah, Doug.His wallet and his room key is in there.
1163 01:05:32 - No, that's our missing friend.LEONARD: I don't give a fuck.
1164 01:05:35 - Did you guys see him?MIKE: I was fast asleep.
1165 01:05:37 Because if he was up, thiswouldn't have gone down so smoothly.
1166 01:05:40 Maybe one of the tigersate his ass like Omar.
1167 01:05:43 Respect.
1168 01:05:44 Wha... What happened to Omar?
1169 01:05:45 Oh, don't worry about Omar,he's not with us no more.
1170 01:05:48 Okay, I know this is asking a lot...
1171 01:05:50 ...but do you think we couldgo to your house and look around...
1172 01:05:53 ...see if there's any clues?
1173 01:05:55 Absolutely. How else you thinkwe're gonna get the tiger back anyway?
1174 01:05:59 - Come on, champ.- I'm sorry?
1175 01:06:03 We're not gonna put it in the Bentley.You brought it here, you bring it back.
1176 01:06:07 What you think, about 40 minutes?
1177 01:06:10 Don't make me come back for him.
1178 01:06:16 - That was Mike Tyson.- Yeah, no shit that was Mike Tyson.
1179 01:06:19 I'm just saying, he's still got it.
1180 01:06:22 PHIL:Alan.
1181 01:06:24 Bud, are you okay?
1182 01:06:25 STU: Oh, my God.- Shit!
1183 01:06:27 Fuck, where'd he get him?
1184 01:06:28 Hey.
1185 01:06:35 STU:This does not seem fair.
1186 01:06:37 PHIL: It's Rock, Paper, Scissors.There's nothing more fair.
1187 01:06:40 - Alan should do it.- Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson.
1188 01:06:44 Come on. For Doug.
1189 01:06:46 Why are you peppering the steak?You don't know if tigers like pepper.
1190 01:06:50 Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.
1191 01:06:55 Phil, just do it. You should do it.
1192 01:06:58 I would, but you lost.It wouldn't be right.
1193 01:07:02 Okay, I jammed five roofies in there.
1194 01:07:04 Just go in there and throw it in to him.
1195 01:07:08 Fine.
1196 01:07:11 Make sure he eats the whole thing.
1197 01:07:18 Fuck.
1198 01:07:20 Oh, fuck.
1199 01:07:24 Hey, kitty.
1200 01:07:27 Hey, sweetie, it's okay.I got a little snack for you.
1201 01:07:31 Real important that you eat this, okay?
1202 01:07:34 Yeah, just have a little...
1203 01:07:37 [TIGER ROARING]
1204 01:07:38 [SCREAMS]
1205 01:07:40 Shit!
1206 01:07:41 [PANTING]
1207 01:07:44 What do we do now?
1208 01:07:46 We wait.
1209 01:07:57 [SINGING]What do tigers dream of
1210 01:08:00 When they take a little tiger snooze?
1211 01:08:04 Do they dream of mauling zebras
1212 01:08:08 Or Halle Berry in her catwoman suit?
1213 01:08:12 Don't you worry your pretty striped head
1214 01:08:15 We're gonna get you back to TysonAnd your cozy tiger bed
1215 01:08:19 And then we're gonna findOur best friend Doug
1216 01:08:22 And then we're gonna give himA best-friend hug
1217 01:08:26 Doug
1218 01:08:28 Doug
1219 01:08:30 Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug
1220 01:08:34 But if he's been murderedBy crystal-meth tweakers
1221 01:08:40 [TIGER GROANS AND THUDS]
1222 01:08:41 Well, then we're shit out of luck
1223 01:08:50 By the way, we're all gonna die.
1224 01:08:57 ALAN:Wait.
1225 01:09:02 PHIL: Oh, God.ALAN: Watch it!
1226 01:09:03 STU:His nose. That's his nose.
1227 01:09:11 Please don't stop. Please don't stop.
1228 01:09:14 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
1229 01:09:15 Please don't... Goddamn it.
1230 01:09:18 DAD:I'm gonna beat you! Ha-ha-ha.
1231 01:09:22 Oh... He won again.
1232 01:09:23 [TIGER GROWLING]
1233 01:09:26 - Hey, fellas. Rough night?STU: Mm-hm.
1234 01:09:30 Sweetie, stay close to Mama.
1235 01:09:34 - What's this?- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1236 01:09:36 Take it easy, little man.You don't wanna be touching that.
1237 01:09:40 No, partner, that's not your property.
1238 01:09:46 So, what do you guys got under there?
1239 01:09:48 Just a whole bunch of"mind your own business."
1240 01:09:51 STU: Easy, Phil.- He's correct. My fault.
1241 01:09:54 - You okay?- Aren't we riding an elevator?
1242 01:09:56 Why, is this Jeopardy?What the fuck is this bullshit?
1243 01:09:59 - Please, with the language.- Yes.
1244 01:10:04 - I fully agree.- Oh.
1245 01:10:14 Hey, guys, when's the nextHalley's comet?
1246 01:10:17 - Who cares, man?- Do you know, Stu?
1247 01:10:21 I don't think it's for, like,another 60 years or something.
1248 01:10:24 - But it's not tonight, right?- No, I don't think so.
1249 01:10:27 But you don't know for sure?
1250 01:10:30 No.
1251 01:10:31 I got this cousin who saw one.He said it blew his mind.
1252 01:10:34 I wanna make sure I never, ever miss outon a Halley's Comet.
1253 01:10:37 So if you guysknow if there's gonna be one...
1254 01:10:40 Oh, fuck!
1255 01:10:41 [ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY& TIGER ROARING]
1256 01:10:48 [SCREAMING]
1257 01:10:52 [CAR HORNS HONKING]
1258 01:11:01 - Oh, my God!PHIL: Fuck it!
1259 01:11:03 Stu! Stu, it got me! Stu!
1260 01:11:05 You got clawed! You're bleeding!
1261 01:11:10 - Oh.ALAN: I'm panicking.
1262 01:11:12 - Aah!PHIL: Oh, my God.
1263 01:11:14 Okay. Okay, okay. Wait, hold on.
1264 01:11:16 [GROWLING]
1265 01:11:24 [GROWLS]
1266 01:11:26 - I can't do it.PHIL: Get your fucking hand back in there...
1267 01:11:28 ...and steer the car.- I'm too nervous.
1268 01:11:30 STU: Alan. We need you, buddy.This is your time to shine, okay?
1269 01:11:33 Okay, yeah. Whew.
1270 01:11:36 Daddy's gonna kill me.
1271 01:11:37 - That's it.PHIL: That's good.
1272 01:11:39 Keep it straight.
1273 01:11:44 [DOORBELL RINGS]
1274 01:11:50 - You're late.- Whatever, man.
1275 01:11:52 We had to push it the last mile.
1276 01:11:54 Come on in. Mike's got somethinghe wants to show you.
1277 01:11:59 [TIGER GROANING]
1278 01:12:02 That thing's out of control, man.Seriously, you gotta put it down.
1279 01:12:07 When we got back,we took a look at the security cameras.
1280 01:12:10 Great.
1281 01:12:14 PHIL [ON VIDEO]: This is how you walk.This is how you walk.
1282 01:12:16 - Oh, it's Doug.- Oh, thank God he's alive.
1283 01:12:20 That's our buddy.That's who we've been missing.
1284 01:12:23 We're all best friends.
1285 01:12:25 Why don't you just pay attention?I don't have all night.
1286 01:12:27 Yeah, of course. Of course.
1287 01:12:30 STU: What are you doing?ALAN: Hey, guys. Check it out. Watch this.
1288 01:12:34 That's me, I'm on TV.I've never been on TV before.
1289 01:12:37 DOUG:What are you doing, man?
1290 01:12:39 Really? Really, Alan?
1291 01:12:42 DOUG:You got a fire hose, man?
1292 01:12:45 Yeah, I was, uh...
1293 01:12:46 [DOUG LAUGHING ON VIDEO]
1294 01:12:48 STU:You're gonna overflow the pool, man.
1295 01:12:51 - Maybe... Should I wait outside?- I think that's a good idea, Alan.
1296 01:12:55 ALAN:Yeah.
1297 01:12:58 Don't touch anything out there, either.
1298 01:13:00 You know what? He's not our good fr...We don't know him that well.
1299 01:13:06 PHIL:Come on. Come on, come on.
1300 01:13:09 By the way,where you get that cop car from?
1301 01:13:11 We, uh, stole it fromthese dumb-ass cops.
1302 01:13:14 Nice.
1303 01:13:16 [LAUGHING]
1304 01:13:18 High five that one.
1305 01:13:21 Yeah, that's nice.
1306 01:13:23 PHIL:You know, I just have to say...
1307 01:13:25 ...I have never seen a more beautiful,elegant, just regal creature.
1308 01:13:28 PHIL: Check it out. Stu. Stu.Fuck this tiger.
1309 01:13:31 STU: Oh, my God. That's awful.MIKE: Oh, man.
1310 01:13:34 [STU LAUGHING ON VIDEO]
1311 01:13:36 PHIL [OVER TV]: Oh, shit.- Who does shit like that, man?
1312 01:13:39 Someone who has a lot of issues, obviously.I'm a sick man.
1313 01:13:44 DOUG:Oh, my God.
1314 01:13:47 That's all we got.
1315 01:13:49 This was hugely helpful.
1316 01:13:52 Really. Because now we knowthat our buddy Doug...
1317 01:13:55 ...was with us at 3:30, totally alive.
1318 01:13:59 Thanks again, champ. And, uh, again,we are so sorry we stole your tiger.
1319 01:14:04 Don't worry about it, man.
1320 01:14:05 Like you said, we all do dumb shitwhen we're fucked up.
1321 01:14:08 [LAUGHING]
1322 01:14:10 - I told you he'd get it.- I did say that.
1323 01:14:17 You know, everyone saysMike Tyson is such a badass...
1324 01:14:20 ...but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.
1325 01:14:23 I think he's mean.
1326 01:14:25 All right. I think it's officially timewe call Tracy.
1327 01:14:28 Hallelujah. Finally, Phil says somethingthat makes sense.
1328 01:14:32 We don't have much of a choice.And maybe she's heard from Doug.
1329 01:14:35 That's what I been saying this whole time.
1330 01:14:38 We just need to be completely honest.We need to tell her everything.
1331 01:14:43 We don't have to tell her everything.We can leave out the stuff...
1332 01:14:47 ...about me marrying a hooker.
1333 01:14:49 Just stay focused on Doug.
1334 01:14:52 - What am I gonna tell my dad?- Alan, relax. It's just the inside.
1335 01:14:55 Come on. I got a guy in L.A.Who's great with interiors.
1336 01:14:59 [SCREAMING]
1337 01:15:02 [PHIL, ALAN & STU GRUNTING]
1338 01:15:05 [PHIL COUGHING]
1339 01:15:09 - Oh, Jesus!STU: Oh, my God.
1340 01:15:16 - Are you guys okay?PHIL: What the fuck?
1341 01:15:27 I know that guy.That's the guy from the trunk.
1342 01:15:31 Get out of the car. Please.
1343 01:15:35 STU: W... W... Wait.Those are the guys that shot Eddie.
1344 01:15:37 [SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
1345 01:15:39 - Listen...MAN 1: Let's go!
1346 01:15:40 - Okay.- Oh, no.
1347 01:15:42 STU: Easy, easy.MAN 2: Come on.
1348 01:15:43 PHIL:Okay. All right.
1349 01:15:45 - All right, all right.MAN 2: Let's go.
1350 01:15:48 Hey, relax. Ow. Ow. Ow!
1351 01:15:51 - I have whiplash.- Get this other fat boy.
1352 01:15:53 Get the fat boy.
1353 01:15:55 ALAN:Hey, hey, hey.
1354 01:15:56 PHIL: All right, all right.STU: Hey, take it easy, take it easy!
1355 01:16:00 I want my purse back, assholes.
1356 01:16:05 - What? Your purse?- That's not a purse, it's a satchel.
1357 01:16:09 It's a purse. Okay?And you steal from wrong guy.
1358 01:16:13 Wait a second, wait a second.We stole from you?
1359 01:16:16 Okay, you know what?
1360 01:16:17 We don't remember anythingthat happened last night...
1361 01:16:21 ...so help us out a little here.
1362 01:16:23 Well, apparently you guys metat a craps table late last night.
1363 01:16:28 You were on a heater,and he played your hot streak.
1364 01:16:30 - He ended up winning just under 80 grand.- No shit? Eighty grand is nice.
1365 01:16:34 Okay, that's good.
1366 01:16:35 He put the chips in his purse,and then you guys took off with it.
1367 01:16:39 That doesn't sound like us.
1368 01:16:40 Mine had $80,000 inside.And this one? Nothing.
1369 01:16:46 Hey, there are Skittles in there.
1370 01:16:48 Ow! Oh, not again.
1371 01:16:51 [LAUGHING]
1372 01:16:52 Don't let the beard fool you.He's a child.
1373 01:16:55 It's funny because he's fat.
1374 01:16:57 Now, look, this was obviouslya very simple misunderstanding.
1375 01:17:00 Alan picked up the wrong purse,it's no big deal.
1376 01:17:03 Okay, if it's, "No big deal,"why, when I come after you guys...
1377 01:17:07 ...he starts screaming like crazy andthrow me in trunk?
1378 01:17:12 What, I did that?
1379 01:17:13 Yeah, you said he was your lucky charm,and you want to take him home with you.
1380 01:17:16 [PHIL AND STU LAUGH]
1381 01:17:18 - Lucky charm.- Oh, it's just funny.
1382 01:17:21 [LAUGHING]
1383 01:17:23 Fuck you.
1384 01:17:25 If you want to see your friend again,you get me my 80 grand.
1385 01:17:30 - What?- Our friend?
1386 01:17:31 - You have Doug?PHIL: You know about our friend?
1387 01:17:33 [MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
1388 01:17:35 - Doug!- Doug!
1389 01:17:38 - Doug's in the car! Doug's in the car!- Doug, it's okay!
1390 01:17:42 You chill out, goatee!
1391 01:17:44 - Okay, okay. All right, fine, fine.- What do you want?
1392 01:17:48 Not so good now.Quid pro quo, douche bag.
1393 01:17:51 What?
1394 01:17:52 Look, we're very sorry.But this is an easy fix.
1395 01:17:55 - Alan, where's his purse?- I don't know.
1396 01:17:57 - It's in the hotel room, right?- Yeah, we can get it.
1397 01:18:00 We can get you the...We can even write you a check right now.
1398 01:18:03 No chance. Cash only.
1399 01:18:05 - There's a person in there.CHOW: Boring.
1400 01:18:07 [YAWNS]
1401 01:18:09 Take nap. Come on.
1402 01:18:11 Wait. I'm sorry we're boring you!
1403 01:18:13 PHIL: Doug, it's okay.- You kidnapped our friend! Kidnapper!
1404 01:18:16 PHIL: Wait.STU: Oh, no. You're not going anywhere.
1405 01:18:20 Stop.
1406 01:18:22 Stop. Run me over.
1407 01:18:24 - Okay. Whoa. Whoa.PHIL: Stu, Stu, Stu.
1408 01:18:28 Bring money to Big Rockin Mojave Desert at dawn.
1409 01:18:33 - What?- Toodle-oo, motherfucker.
1410 01:18:40 Well, at least take the bagoff his head! Fuck!
1411 01:18:46 Oh!
1412 01:18:56 Come on, get out of here.
1413 01:19:03 Guys, I'm telling you, I looked for it thismorning before we left. It's not anywhere.
1414 01:19:07 Fuck.
1415 01:19:12 Stu, how much you got in the bank?
1416 01:19:14 About 10 grand.I was gonna use it for the wedding.
1417 01:19:16 You're already married,so we're good there.
1418 01:19:19 Besides, enough with Melissa,she's the worst.
1419 01:19:21 Yeah, Doug told me she had sexwith a pilot or something.
1420 01:19:24 It was a bartender on a cruise.What is wrong with you people?
1421 01:19:28 - Ew. Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?- Yes.
1422 01:19:33 What are we gonna do?We are so fucked.
1423 01:19:36 ALAN:Hey, guys?
1424 01:19:37 - Did you find it?- Nope.
1425 01:19:40 But check this out.
1426 01:20:29 Change only, 10,000.
1427 01:20:35 - Hey, uh, these seats taken?- No, feel free.
1428 01:20:43 All right, let's play some blackjack!
1429 01:20:54 [YELLING AND WHOOPING]
1430 01:21:08 That's it. Shut up, bitches.
1431 01:21:15 Hmm.
1432 01:21:19 - I'll stick.- Oh, fuck you! Fuck you!
1433 01:21:28 Splitting fives.
1434 01:21:31 - Too many.- Yes!
1435 01:21:32 [JADE MOANING]
1436 01:21:36 I don't even know you,but I'm gonna tell you that's dumb.
1437 01:21:40 - Yes!JADE: Oh!
1438 01:21:42 Okay, come on.He can't lose. He can't lose.
1439 01:21:46 I think the pit boss is watching him.
1440 01:21:56 [WHOOPING]
1441 01:22:00 [JADE LAUGHING]
1442 01:22:03 [SHRIEKING]
1443 01:22:05 [JADE GROANING]
1444 01:22:06 - Oh, my God.- Are you okay?
1445 01:22:08 I'm such a klutz. I get so nervouswhen I gamble. I'm so silly.
1446 01:22:11 - It happens.- Whoa. Hold on a beat, okay?
1447 01:22:15 - Let's just take it easy. This is my wife.- It's hurting.
1448 01:22:18 STU:Make sure... Does it hurt? Does this hurt?
1449 01:22:20 - Oh, ow.- You all right?
1450 01:22:21 JADE: I don't know.- I don't know either. I don't...
1451 01:22:24 I think you're fine. Let's go.
1452 01:22:25 - Really? Okay.STU: Upsy-daisy, there.
1453 01:22:28 I'm sorry,she's had a little too much to drink.
1454 01:22:31 Thanks, buddy. That's for you.
1455 01:22:43 STU:And 100, 200, 300, 400.
1456 01:22:46 With all this, that's $82,400.
1457 01:22:49 - Oh, goddamn it. I don't fucking believe it.- Whoo!
1458 01:22:53 - Alan, you're the man.- You are too, Phil.
1459 01:22:56 We should come back next week,take the whole city down.
1460 01:22:59 Oh, I'm free next week.
1461 01:23:00 Or we could just focuson getting Doug back, right now.
1462 01:23:04 Uh, you know what? Next week's no good,the Jonas Brothers are in town.
1463 01:23:07 But any week after that is totally fine.
1464 01:23:10 I think it's safe to say that our luckhas officially turned around, guys.
1465 01:23:14 - We are back, baby. We are fucking back.- We're back. Classic.
1466 01:23:19 [SINGING]We are back, we are back
1467 01:23:21 PHIL:That's right.
1468 01:23:23 We are getting Doug back
1469 01:23:25 And we're the three best friendsThat anybody could have
1470 01:23:29 We're the three best friendsThat anyone could have
1471 01:23:32 We're the three best friendsThat anyone can have
1472 01:23:35 And we'll never, ever, ever, ever, everLeave each other
1473 01:23:38 We're the best three friendsThat anybody could have
1474 01:23:41 I mean, the three best friendsThat anybody could have
1475 01:23:44 That's right, the three best friendsThat anybody can have
1476 01:24:06 PHIL: Now what?- Give him the signal.
1477 01:24:08 - What signal?- Flash your lights. Let him know it's on.
1478 01:24:12 - What's on?- The deal.
1479 01:24:15 Of course it's on. We just drove 30 milesinto the desert. He knows it's on.
1480 01:24:19 Phil, just do something.
1481 01:24:22 Fine.
1482 01:24:26 - Oh, shit.ALAN: See?
1483 01:24:28 All right, let's go.
1484 01:24:40 [ALAN GRUNTING]
1485 01:24:42 [LAUGHING]
1486 01:24:44 Funny fat guy fall on face.
1487 01:24:46 You okay?
1488 01:24:47 All right, we got the money.Eighty grand, cash.
1489 01:24:50 Throw it over. Then I give you Doug.
1490 01:24:53 Um, I'm sorry. First of all, good morning.And we didn't catch your name last night.
1491 01:24:58 Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.
1492 01:25:01 Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure.My name is Stu.
1493 01:25:04 And we would very much appreciatean opportunity to see Doug...
1494 01:25:09 ...before we give you the money,just to verify that he's okay.
1495 01:25:12 - Lf that's cool.- Of course, Stu. That is cool.
1496 01:25:19 [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
1497 01:25:27 - Oh, thank God.- Okay.
1498 01:25:29 See, he fine. Now give me money...
1499 01:25:32 ...or I shoot him,and I shoot all you motherfuckers.
1500 01:25:36 And then we take it.Your choice, bitches.
1501 01:25:41 - Give him the money, Stu.- Okay.
1502 01:25:52 MAN: It's all there.- Let him go.
1503 01:25:58 All right, take it easy. Take it easy.
1504 01:26:01 CHOW:Ta-da.
1505 01:26:02 [STU SHOUTS]
1506 01:26:03 Is this some kind ofjoke?Who the hell is this?
1507 01:26:06 That is not Doug.
1508 01:26:07 What you talking about, Willis?That him.
1509 01:26:10 No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow.That's not our friend.
1510 01:26:13 - He... That's...- The Doug we're looking for is a white.
1511 01:26:17 Ah! I told you you had the wrong guy,little boy.
1512 01:26:21 Damn, Alan,what the fuck you got me into?
1513 01:26:23 - You know him?- This is the guy that sold me the bad drugs.
1514 01:26:26 - How you doing?- I didn't sell you no fucking bad drugs.
1515 01:26:29 - Wait. He sold you the Ruphylin?- Ruphylin? I sold you that Ru...? Wha...?
1516 01:26:34 - Who gives a shit? Where is Doug?- I am Doug.
1517 01:26:38 - Your name's Doug?- Yes, I'm Doug.
1518 01:26:41 His name's Doug too. Ha. Classic mix-up.
1519 01:26:44 Come on.
1520 01:26:45 - Hey, Chow. You gave us the wrong Doug.- Not my problem.
1521 01:26:49 No, fuck that shit. Now, you give usour 80 grand back and take him with you!
1522 01:26:53 - No. Come on. I'll be your Doug.- Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, I take him back.
1523 01:26:58 Right after you suck onthese little Chinese nuts.
1524 01:27:01 - Ah. That's nasty.- Mmm. How that sound?
1525 01:27:05 Unh, pshh.
1526 01:27:06 - So long, gay boys.- Wait a second.
1527 01:27:11 DOUG:He's a nasty little motherfucker.
1528 01:27:12 Did you ever get any ecstasy?
1529 01:27:14 DOUG:No, I ain't got no fucking ecstasy.
1530 01:27:16 - Goddamn it!ALAN: Gosh darn it!
1531 01:27:19 - Shit!ALAN: Shoot!
1532 01:27:29 [PHONE LINE RINGING]
1533 01:27:31 [COUGHS]
1534 01:27:32 TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Hello?- Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.
1535 01:27:34 Phil, where the hell are you guys?I'm freaking out.
1536 01:27:38 PHIL:Yeah, listen.
1537 01:27:42 We fucked up.
1538 01:27:44 Thanks for the lift back to town.
1539 01:27:48 - I got a question for you.- What's up?
1540 01:27:50 How did you wind up in Chow's car?
1541 01:27:52 That crazy assholekidnapped me yesterday.
1542 01:27:55 Okay, but why? I mean, why you?
1543 01:27:57 He thought I was with you guys becausewe were hanging over at the Bellagio.
1544 01:28:01 - What?- We were at the Bellagio?
1545 01:28:03 We were shooting craps.You don't remember?
1546 01:28:05 No. No, we don't remember.
1547 01:28:07 Because some dick drug dealer sold himRuphylin and told him it was ecstasy.
1548 01:28:13 Ruphylin. There you go with that word.Ruphylin. What the hell is a Ruphylin?
1549 01:28:17 Wow, you arethe world's shittiest drug dealer.
1550 01:28:22 Ruphylin, for your information,is the date-rape drug. You sold Alan roofies.
1551 01:28:27 Oh, shit. I must have mixed up the bags.My fault, Alan.
1552 01:28:31 Damn, Marshall gonna be pissed off at meon that one.
1553 01:28:35 - Whatever.- It's funny, because just the other day...
1554 01:28:38 ...me and my boy, we was wonderingwhy they even call them roofies.
1555 01:28:41 - You know what I'm talking about?- No. Don't know.
1556 01:28:44 Why not floories, right?Because when you take them...
1557 01:28:47 ...you're more likelyto end up on the floor than the roof.
1558 01:28:50 What about groundies?That's a good new name for them.
1559 01:28:54 Or, how about rapies?
1560 01:28:56 - Wait, what did you just say?- Rapies.
1561 01:28:59 - Not you. Doug, what did you say before?- I said groundies.
1562 01:29:03 No, before that.
1563 01:29:04 You said, "You're more likely to wind upon the floor than..."
1564 01:29:09 - Phil.- Listen, Trace, I'm really sorry. L...
1565 01:29:12 [GRUNTING]
1566 01:29:14 TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Phil? Hello?- Tracy, it's Stu.
1567 01:29:17 Stu. Talk to me. What's going on?
1568 01:29:20 Uh, nothing. Don't listen to Phil.
1569 01:29:22 He's completely out of his mind.He's probably still drunk from last night.
1570 01:29:26 Where's Doug?
1571 01:29:27 STU: He is paying the bill.We just had a delicious brunch.
1572 01:29:30 We're in a hurry to get back,so we gotta get going.
1573 01:29:33 - Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye.- Stu.
1574 01:29:35 Stu. Fuck.
1575 01:29:37 - What the fuck, man?- I know where Doug is.
1576 01:29:48 STU:I don't know, man. It just hit me.
1577 01:29:50 You remember when we sawDoug's mattress impaled on that statue?
1578 01:29:53 - Yeah, we threw it out the window.- No, impossible.
1579 01:29:55 - You can't open windows in Vegas hotels.- Well, then how did it get...?
1580 01:29:59 - Oh, my God!- Ha, ha, ha.
1581 01:30:01 - Whoa, wait. What's going on?- Doug was trying to signal someone.
1582 01:30:05 - Holy shit.STU: Yes.
1583 01:30:06 - Wait. How did you figure that out?- Doug made me realize it.
1584 01:30:09 - Doug?- Uh, not our Doug. Black Doug.
1585 01:30:11 - Hey, hey, easy with that shit. Come on.- Sorry.
1586 01:30:15 Can someone tell mewhere white Doug is?
1587 01:30:17 - He's on the roof, Alan.- Yes.
1588 01:30:18 He's on the roof. We must have taken himup there as a prank...
1589 01:30:22 ...so he'd wake up on the roof.- Like that time in summer camp.
1590 01:30:25 We moved his sleeping bagout in the jetty at the lake?
1591 01:30:27 Ha, ha, ha. Which was hilarious.
1592 01:30:29 It's not so funny now, though,because we forgot where we put him.
1593 01:30:32 You guys are retarded, you know that?
1594 01:30:34 - Holy shit. You think he's still up there?- There's only one way to find out.
1595 01:30:43 PHIL:Doug!
1596 01:30:45 Doug!
1597 01:30:47 - Doug!PHIL: Doug, you up here, buddy?
1598 01:30:53 Where you at, Doug?
1599 01:30:57 Doug!
1600 01:31:02 Hey, guys!
1601 01:31:04 He's over here!
1602 01:31:08 ALAN: Hey, I found him! He's over here!- Oh, shit.
1603 01:31:14 He's okay.
1604 01:31:15 You're okay. Ha, ha, ha!
1605 01:31:17 Oh, God. We gotta go, buddy. Come on.
1606 01:31:20 Oh, we have been looking everywherefor you.
1607 01:31:24 - He's alive.- What the fuck is going on?
1608 01:31:27 We can explain everything,but right now we gotta go.
1609 01:31:30 - Hey, bud. You okay?- No. Not okay.
1610 01:31:34 You look good, you got some color.I'm jealous.
1611 01:31:37 - I'm getting married today.- Yes, you are.
1612 01:31:40 That's why you need to focusand do everything we say.
1613 01:31:42 Because, frankly,you're wasting a little bit of time right now.
1614 01:31:46 You fucking asshole!
1615 01:31:48 [GRUNTING]
1616 01:31:49 [WHIMPERING]
1617 01:31:51 Oh, my skin burns. My skin burns.
1618 01:31:52 Oh, ow! God.
1619 01:31:54 - It's okay. It's not your fault, Doug.- Don't touch me. Shut up.
1620 01:31:58 All of you, shut up.
1621 01:32:00 Just get me home.
1622 01:32:02 Mm-hm.
1623 01:32:03 Just get me home.
1624 01:32:06 STU:What about the one after that?
1625 01:32:08 You cannot be serious.
1626 01:32:12 Oh, goddamn it.
1627 01:32:14 - What?- Every flight to L.A. Is booked.
1628 01:32:16 - What about Burbank?- Sold out.
1629 01:32:17 Oh, fuck! We can't drive there, thewedding starts in three and a half hours.
1630 01:32:21 - Alan, where's the car?ALAN: It's on its way.
1631 01:32:23 You know what?
1632 01:32:25 We can drive there.We can make it. Okay?
1633 01:32:30 Hi.
1634 01:32:32 - Just give me one second.PHIL: We will leave without you.
1635 01:32:38 - Is he missing a tooth?- Yeah.
1636 01:32:40 [LAUGHS]
1637 01:32:42 STU: Hey.- Hey.
1638 01:32:44 Hey, thanks for helping out last night.That was so awesome.
1639 01:32:47 Sure.
1640 01:32:50 Listen, Jade, l...
1641 01:32:52 Look, you don't have to say it.I totally understand.
1642 01:32:55 - This whole thing was stupid.- Huh.
1643 01:33:00 It was stupid, wasn't it?
1644 01:33:08 - This is yours.- Oh, thank you.
1645 01:33:12 I can't believe I gave my grandmother'sHolocaust ring to someone I just met.
1646 01:33:16 - What was I thinking?- You were really fucked up.
1647 01:33:19 Clearly.
1648 01:33:21 - You did pull out your own tooth.- L...?
1649 01:33:25 I pulled out my tooth?
1650 01:33:27 Why did I pull out my own tooth?
1651 01:33:29 Alan bet youthat you weren't a good enough dentist...
1652 01:33:32 ...to pull out your own tooth.
1653 01:33:34 Okay. Heh.
1654 01:33:38 - Of course he did.- You won.
1655 01:33:41 Yeah. Clearly. Yeah.
1656 01:33:45 That's victory, right there.
1657 01:33:47 ALAN:It needs to go down.
1658 01:33:49 - It's good. Get in.- No. Safety first.
1659 01:33:51 - Alan, it's fine. It's down.- No, I gotta get it down first.
1660 01:33:54 PHIL: Jesus Christ. Look out.- Don't mess the car up.
1661 01:33:58 You're gonna mess the car up.
1662 01:34:01 - Hey, what are you doing next weekend?- I don't know. Working. Why?
1663 01:34:04 I was thinking maybe I'd come backand take you out to dinner.
1664 01:34:08 Really? Like a date?
1665 01:34:10 Yeah. Like a date.Only, one that hopefully I'll remember.
1666 01:34:15 Sounds good.
1667 01:34:21 - Stu. Come on.- Stu. Come on.
1668 01:34:25 I gotta go. Okay. Bye.
1669 01:34:30 [LAUGHING]
1670 01:34:32 - Bye.- Bye.
1671 01:34:36 All right, here we go.
1672 01:34:38 - All right, let's go.- Yeah.
1673 01:34:41 Careful.
1674 01:34:59 At least the tripwasn't a total disaster.
1675 01:35:02 - What makes you say that?- When I woke up on the roof...
1676 01:35:06 ...I happened to find $80,000worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket.
1677 01:35:10 - Oh!STU: Oh, my God!
1678 01:35:12 Looks like we're going homewith some money, boys.
1679 01:35:16 [ALL WHOOPING]
1680 01:35:31 [HORN HONKING]
1681 01:35:33 ALAN:Here he comes. That's him.
1682 01:35:37 - Hey, Neeco!NEECO: Hey. What's up, Alan?
1683 01:35:40 STU:Whoo!
1684 01:35:43 - Whoa, look out.- Oh, shit.
1685 01:35:45 ALAN:Whoa! Whoa!
1686 01:35:50 - Thanks, Neeco.NEECO: You got it, man.
1687 01:35:52 ALAN: Page me!NEECO: Adiós.
1688 01:35:54 STU: Who the hell was that guy?ALAN: That's my buddy.
1689 01:36:28 [TIRES SQUEAL]
1690 01:36:32 Hey. Sorry, MapQuest took uson a really crazy route.
1691 01:36:37 [MUSICIANS PLAYING "SPRING"]
1692 01:36:51 [MUSICIANS PLAYING"WEDDING MARCH"]
1693 01:36:59 - How's my hair?- It looks good.
1694 01:37:01 - Is it cool like Phil's?- It's classic Phil.
1695 01:37:10 She looks beautiful, man.
1696 01:37:18 Sorry I'm late.
1697 01:37:21 Vegas.
1698 01:37:28 Where were you?And why are you so red?
1699 01:37:32 Honey, it's a long story.
1700 01:37:37 MINISTER:We are gathered here today...
1701 01:37:39 ...because of the strength of loveand of promises kept.
1702 01:37:43 All I know is I am so sorry.
1703 01:37:46 And I promisefor as long as we're married...
1704 01:37:49 ...to never, ever put youthrough anything like this again.
1705 01:37:54 Can you forgive me?
1706 01:38:04 [SINGING "CANDY SHOP"]
1707 01:38:32 [CHATTERING]
1708 01:38:42 - Daddy.- Hey, my man.
1709 01:38:44 Excuse me,but I'm expecting my husband any minute.
1710 01:38:47 Oh, that's very funny. Come here.
1711 01:38:49 [GROANS]
1712 01:38:50 How was your soccer game?
1713 01:38:51 [CONTINUES SINGING]
1714 01:39:06 [GRUNTS]
1715 01:39:08 - Stu? You avoiding me?- Hey. Melissa.
1716 01:39:12 Oh, my God.What happened to your tooth?
1717 01:39:16 Have you met Alan? Tracy's brother.Brother of the...
1718 01:39:19 Okay. Ow.
1719 01:39:21 That is disgusting.Why haven't you returned my calls?
1720 01:39:25 Well, there was a snafuwhen we stopped...
1721 01:39:27 I called that bed and breakfast in Napa.
1722 01:39:29 They said they had no recordof you even checking in.
1723 01:39:33 That's because we didn't go to Napa.
1724 01:39:35 - Stu. What the fuck is going on?- We went to Las Vegas.
1725 01:39:39 Oh, really? Las Vegas?Why would you go to Las Vegas?
1726 01:39:42 My friend was getting married.That's what guys do.
1727 01:39:45 - Okay, that's not what you do.- Really?
1728 01:39:47 Well, then why did I do it, huh?Because I did it. Riddle me that.
1729 01:39:51 Why'd I do it?
1730 01:39:53 All you want me to dois what you want me to do.
1731 01:39:55 I'm sick of doing what you want.
1732 01:39:57 In a healthy relationship,a guy should be able to do what he wants.
1733 01:40:01 - That is not how this works!STU: Oh, good.
1734 01:40:04 Because whatever this isain't working for me!
1735 01:40:07 MELISSA: Oh, really?STU: Yeah.
1736 01:40:09 Since when?
1737 01:40:10 Since you fucked that waiteron your cruise last June. Boom!
1738 01:40:17 - You told me it was a bartender.- Oh, you're right. I stand corrected.
1739 01:40:21 It was a bartender.You fucked a bartender.
1740 01:40:25 You're an idiot.
1741 01:40:26 You're... You...
1742 01:40:27 [GROANS]
1743 01:40:29 You're such a bad person.
1744 01:40:31 Like, all the way through to your core.
1745 01:40:35 Alan, shall we dance?
1746 01:40:39 Let's do this.
1747 01:40:40 [BAND PLAYING "FAME"]
1748 01:40:42 [SINGING "FAME"]
1749 01:40:49 - It was a real pleasure meeting you.- Fuck off.
1750 01:40:52 - I'm getting my bartender's license.- Suck my dick.
1751 01:40:56 No, thank you.
1752 01:41:00 [CONTINUES SINGING]
1753 01:41:05 [CHEERING]
1754 01:41:08 You guys are awe...
1755 01:41:09 [KNOCK ON DOOR]
1756 01:41:10 DOUG: Sid?- There he is.
1757 01:41:12 - You wanted to see me?- Yeah.
1758 01:41:16 - Congratulations, buddy.- Congratulations to you.
1759 01:41:19 - You had us worried there for a second.- Sorry.
1760 01:41:22 How was Vegas?
1761 01:41:23 It was... Ahem. It was crazy.
1762 01:41:26 Attaboy.
1763 01:41:28 [CHUCKLES]
1764 01:41:32 - Enjoy the car?- Mm-hm.
1765 01:41:35 - Remember to put Armor All on the tires?- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
1766 01:41:43 Let me ask you a question.
1767 01:41:49 How can a cake cost $1400?
1768 01:41:54 - Highway robbery.- It's criminal.
1769 01:41:58 Sid, ahem, about the car...
1770 01:42:07 Tracy told you. I told her not to tell you.I wanted to tell you.
1771 01:42:14 - Tell me what?- Careful, Doug. These women...
1772 01:42:18 ...can't be trusted.
1773 01:42:21 - Tell me what, Sid?- The Mercedes.
1774 01:42:24 It is a wedding gift from Linda and I.
1775 01:42:28 - Are you serious?- What do you think?
1776 01:42:32 [LAUGHING]
1777 01:42:40 That is awesome.
1778 01:42:44 Thank you. Oh.
1779 01:42:48 Thanks, Daddy. Thanks, Sid.
1780 01:42:50 [WHISPERING] Close the door.- You're awesome.
1781 01:42:53 You are awesome.
1782 01:42:57 Yeah.
1783 01:43:06 Dougie...
1784 01:43:08 ...I gotta tell you, man,this was a gorgeous wedding.
1785 01:43:10 - I give it six months.- You're a dick.
1786 01:43:14 I don't know what to say.Thanks for the bachelor party, I guess?
1787 01:43:19 Yeah. I just wishwe could actually remember some of it.
1788 01:43:24 - Hey, guys? Look what I found.- Whoa, that's my camera.
1789 01:43:27 - It was in the back seat of the car.- Oh, Go... Are there photos on it?
1790 01:43:31 Yeah. Some of it's even worsethan we thought.
1791 01:43:33 - No fucking way. Give me that.- Wa... Wa... Wait.
1792 01:43:35 Wait, wait, wait.
1793 01:43:40 We look at these pictures together, okay?One time.
1794 01:43:45 - And then we delete the evidence.- I say we delete it right now.
1795 01:43:50 Are you nuts? I wanna find outhow I wound up in the hospital.
1796 01:43:53 - Yeah, it's in there.- Guys, one time.
1797 01:43:58 - Deal?- Deal.
1798 01:43:59 - Deal.- Okay.
1799 01:44:05 Oh, dear Lord!
1800 01:44:07 ALAN:That's classic!
1801 01:47:49 [ENGLISH SDH]