老爹们 Old Dads(2023)(EN)Subtitles
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1 00:00:54 This is the best partof my day, every day.
2 00:00:57 I always wanted to be a dad.It just took 46 years for it to happen.
3 00:01:02 When people ask me why,I tell 'em to fuck off.
4 00:01:06 Or I just sayI hadn't met the right woman yet.
5 00:01:09 Ah, there she is. Leah.
6 00:01:12 Got the second one in the oven,and she still looks great.
7 00:01:15 According to her,the reason I got such a late start
8 00:01:17 is because I had an unhappy childhood.
9 00:01:21 But I'm not gonna whine about it.
10 00:01:23 That's what vegans do.
11 00:01:25 I'm just gonna make suremy kids are prepared
12 00:01:26 for whatever this world has to offer.
13 00:01:31 Slow down.
14 00:01:33 Unfortunately, I have no ideawhat that is anymore.
15 00:01:37 For some reason,I can't leave my kid in the car
16 00:01:39 to run into a convenience store,
17 00:01:40 but that same storecan sell him food so full of hormones
18 00:01:44 he'll be able to grow a beardby the third grade.
19 00:01:47 But nobody gives a shit
20 00:01:48 because they're too busyjerking off to Internet porn.
21 00:01:52 Buddy.
22 00:01:52 - What do you say there, Jackie boy?
23 00:01:55 - Oh, you motherfucking--- You're up.
24 00:01:56 Goddamn.I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!
25 00:01:59 Hey! Give me the stick!Give me the stick! Give me the stick!
26 00:02:05 Hey, buddy. What happened? You all right?
27 00:02:08 Colin pushed me.
28 00:02:10 Yeah, I know he did.
29 00:02:11 I told you if you play rough,rough things are gonna happen, right?
30 00:02:14 - Here, let me see.- Colin, give me the stick!
31 00:02:16 Ah, that's not so bad.Just rub some dirt on it, buddy.
32 00:02:21 There you go.
33 00:02:23 You might wanna get him checkedor at least put a little Neosporin on it.
34 00:02:26 That thing could get infected.
35 00:02:29 - Who are you?- I'm, uh, Hunter Lewis.
36 00:02:31 Lisa's husband.Just moved in across the street.
37 00:02:33 Thanks for having me.
38 00:02:34 Oh, yeah? Are you a doctor,or are you just one of those WebMD guys?
39 00:02:37 It's just common knowledge.You wanna keep the cut clean.
40 00:02:39 Oh, is it? Listen, I'm trying to raisea little man here, not a fucking pussy.
41 00:02:42 So I appreciate your concern.
42 00:02:43 But why don't you just go backto your hard seltzer
43 00:02:46 and, you know, go on Twitter and go sharethe story where you're the hero?
44 00:02:51 Okay.
45 00:02:52 Daddy, you said a bad word.
46 00:02:54 Yeah, I know I did, buddy.Sometimes you have to, all right?
47 00:02:57 Don't tell your mother. She'll kill me.I love you. Come on. Let's get up.
48 00:03:00 Hang on, Jack! Hang on! Hang on!
49 00:03:04 Colin's got somethinghe wants to say to you, kid.
50 00:03:06 But, Dad, he pushed me first--
51 00:03:07 Hey, no, no, no. I don't care. Okay?
52 00:03:09 You don't hit somebody with a stick.We don't hit our friends.
53 00:03:12 Let's apologize now.Say you're sorry to Nate. Come on.
54 00:03:15 No!
55 00:03:16 - Hey, come on. Don't cry.
56 00:03:18 Come on. It's okay, buddy.Say you're sorry.
57 00:03:20 I'm just asking you to apologize.You don't gotta freak out.
58 00:03:23 - Hey, buddy. Ah, shit.- No!
59 00:03:25 Okay, okay. What is going on?Why is he screaming?
60 00:03:28 Because he hit Nate with a stick,and I told him to apologize.
61 00:03:35 What you're feeling nowis what you're feeling, okay?
62 00:03:41 Let it out.
63 00:03:45 - I don't think that--- I don't need you to think now.
64 00:03:48 You need to respect your son's autonomy
65 00:03:51 and really let him processhow crossing this boundary
66 00:03:53 is affecting his ever-evolving moral code.
67 00:03:56 I want my stick!
68 00:03:58 Stick, where is it?
69 00:04:00 It's...
70 00:04:03 Jack. How's Nate doing in school?
71 00:04:06 Great, you know. He's comin' along.Uh, how's your little one doing?
72 00:04:09 He's great. He's perfect.
73 00:04:15 Yeah?
74 00:04:19 Come on, bro. I...
75 00:04:22 - No!- Hey, hey, hey!
76 00:04:23 Jesus!
77 00:04:24 I'm gonna murder you. I swear to God.Let's go get a drink. Come on.
78 00:04:28 - How fucking sad is that?- He did it to himself.
79 00:04:31 Yes, he did.
80 00:04:32 - No!- Come on, stop it.
81 00:04:33 Did you see that? That kid is a maniac.
82 00:04:37 Yeah, he's a lunatic.
83 00:04:38 I'm gonna say something to Cara.It's too much.
84 00:04:40 No, no, no. Don't say anything.
85 00:04:42 I'm not gonna freak out on her.I'm just gonna talk to her.
86 00:04:44 - Like, mom to mom. It's what moms do.- Mike, should she say something?
87 00:04:49 Three cardinal rules of friendship.
88 00:04:50 Don't bring up politics.Don't bring up religion.
89 00:04:53 And don't try to tell peoplehow to raise their kids.
90 00:04:56 Oh, I'm sorry, Mike. I didn't realizeyou had your own daytime talk show.
91 00:05:01 Harvard. Duke.
92 00:05:03 Girlfriend, ex-wife.
93 00:05:08 - It's kinda airtight, honey.- Mmm, kind of. Not really.
94 00:05:12 What'd she mean by that?
95 00:05:14 Uh, she's just breaking your balls.
96 00:05:16 Look, we're happy for you guys.
97 00:05:18 We're wondering when you're gonna makean honest woman out of Britney.
98 00:05:21 I told you. She doesn't wanna get married.She doesn't wanna have kids.
99 00:05:25 All she wants to dois fuck me and go to the gym.
100 00:05:29 Goddamn, Mike.You found a fucking unicorn.
101 00:05:39 What?
102 00:05:41 It's a team sport.
103 00:05:45 You okay, buddy?
104 00:05:47 ♪ One life, I'm gonna live it up ♪
105 00:05:54 ♪ I'm takin' flightI said, I'll never get enough ♪
106 00:06:01 ♪ Stand tall, I'm young and kinda proud... ♪
107 00:06:05 This is the companymy friends and I started 23 years ago.
108 00:06:09 We make high-end throwback jerseys.
109 00:06:11 But I got talked into selling the company
110 00:06:13 so I could affordto send my son to private school,
111 00:06:16 where all the kids are dressedlike fucking news anchors.
112 00:06:19 Goes against everything I believe in,but I'd do anything for my kid.
113 00:06:23 Dude, what are you doing?
114 00:06:25 You look likeyou just ran over a dog. Come on.
115 00:06:28 It's a great fucking day for us.
116 00:06:30 Is it?
117 00:06:32 We're about to becomeemployees of our own company.
118 00:06:35 Jack, selling a businessand the owner staying on
119 00:06:39 is older than discoveringa country that already has people.
120 00:06:42 There you go.
121 00:06:43 Not to mention, the time to complainwas before we signed the deal.
122 00:06:47 - I did complain about it.- Yeah, but you complain about everything.
123 00:06:50 Oh, I do not.
124 00:06:52 Relax. It's gonna be great.
125 00:06:54 Well, that's easy for you to say.You're home free.
126 00:06:57 Yeah, that's true.You got no more child support.
127 00:06:59 - You got college taken care of.- Yeah.
128 00:07:01 What are gonna do now?Airbnb your kids' rooms, you cheap prick?
129 00:07:05 Laugh now, motherfuckers, but waittill you see what I got coming next.
130 00:07:08 Yeah, we'll see. We'll see.
131 00:07:11 What's up, party people?
132 00:07:13 - Morning, everyone!- Morning, guys.
133 00:07:15 Morning.
134 00:07:16 Monica, what's poppin', girl?
135 00:07:18 Good morning, Connor.
136 00:07:19 Yo, you happen to checkthat new joint from Lil Baby
137 00:07:23 dropped on Twitter last night?
138 00:07:24 - No.- What? Boom. Come on. Pound it out.
139 00:07:26 Ah, it's okay. Thanks.
140 00:07:29 - Oh God.- There he goes again.
141 00:07:32 Don't sleep on Lil Baby,on any of the babies.
142 00:07:34 I heard Big Baby got somethingcoming out too. It's gonna be fire.
143 00:07:37 Big Baby?
144 00:07:38 Yeah, you... you peep him yet?
145 00:07:41 I don't believe I have, no.
146 00:07:42 What? He's fleek.
147 00:07:44 - Oh.- Yeah, he's on fleek. Flickity-fleek.
148 00:07:47 - Connor, come on.
149 00:07:49 - Aight. Gotta bounce.- Okay.
150 00:07:52 - One love. One love, girl.- Okay. Okay.
151 00:07:54 One love, y'all.
152 00:07:58 You know,she's never gonna think you're cool.
153 00:08:00 I am cool, Jack. I'm sorrythat you feel threatened by that.
154 00:08:03 Oh, I think everybody's threatened by it.
155 00:08:04 All right, you two, lock it down.We gotta impress this dude.
156 00:08:09 Wait. By "this dude,"
157 00:08:10 you mean the douchebaghalf our age we now work for?
158 00:08:13 I don't know, Jack.If I were you, I'd give him a chance.
159 00:08:16 I hear Aspen hasa real collaborative leadership style.
160 00:08:20 That guy?
161 00:08:22 He looks likehe's in a musical about janitors.
162 00:08:24 Play nice, Jack.The new owners love him.
163 00:08:27 And if we wanna get paid,we gotta keep our jobs.
164 00:08:30 Gentlemen. What an honor.
165 00:08:32 Aspen Bell.
166 00:08:33 - Mike.- Uh-huh.
167 00:08:35 - Hey! Connor.- Oh! I'm gonna get some of that? Ah!
168 00:08:38 - Jack. Good.- Hey, how are you? That's all right.
169 00:08:40 Okay. Uh, guys.Yeah, have a seat. Get comfortable.
170 00:08:44 Wow! The trifecta behind Trifecta.
171 00:08:49 This is some broad shouldersto stand on, boys.
172 00:08:51 Let's get right to it.
173 00:08:53 Look, this is your company, right?
174 00:08:56 You built it.
175 00:08:58 And I want you to know that I respectthe shit out of what you've done here.
176 00:09:02 I mean, come on, throwback jerseys?
177 00:09:04 You didn't just start the trend.You perfected it.
178 00:09:08 The breathability of this fabric.
179 00:09:11 Must have been sewn by the gods.
180 00:09:12 Actually, it was sewn togetherby some hardworking women in Koreatown.
181 00:09:17 But, uh, thank you.We're, uh, very proud of it.
182 00:09:20 And you should be.
183 00:09:21 You should be very proudof everything that you've done here.
184 00:09:24 And I want you to knowthat my door will always be open to you.
185 00:09:28 But I'm gonna break some eggsbecause I'm a disruptor.
186 00:09:32 It's in my DNA.
187 00:09:34 What does that mean?
188 00:09:35 It means that we're gonna pivot.
189 00:09:39 This company is now a gender-neutral,carbon-neutral,
190 00:09:41 21st-century lifestyle apparel brand.
191 00:09:44 And the first step in that isto liberate everyone born before 1988.
192 00:09:49 For what? All of us?
193 00:09:53 Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck?That's, like, half the company.
194 00:09:56 - Calm down, man.- You calm down.
195 00:09:59 - Let's go.- Damien's 35? Goddamn, he looks good.
196 00:10:02 Hey, what happened to two weeks' notice?You can't just kick 'em out.
197 00:10:05 Don't touch me.
198 00:10:06 These people put their hearts and soulsinto this business.
199 00:10:09 And we signed them up for Zip Recruiter.They're gonna have a new job in no time.
200 00:10:13 Look, we are living in an exponential era.
201 00:10:17 Hmm.
202 00:10:18 Jack, change and growth,these things happen faster than they did
203 00:10:22 when you were young.
204 00:10:24 I mean, look at me.
205 00:10:25 I'm 28 years old, and I've already workedfor 15 different start-ups.
206 00:10:29 - Is that something you wanna brag about?- Absolutely.
207 00:10:32 Success does not careabout the way that you feel.
208 00:10:36 I want people to come in herewith a smile on their face,
209 00:10:38 but I need themto have Kevlar in their souls.
210 00:10:42 If that's too much to ask,
211 00:10:44 then I don't carehow long you've been here.
212 00:10:47 You're gonna be out the door.
213 00:10:50 Is that a threat?
214 00:10:51 No, no. It's just transparent leadership.
215 00:10:54 Look, I care about you.
216 00:10:56 In fact, there is this womanI would love for you to go see.
217 00:10:59 She's an old friend of my mom.She has had a lot of success
218 00:11:03 helping people in your situationto restrain their aggressive tendencies.
219 00:11:12 You want me to go see a shrink?
220 00:11:13 I appreciate you.
221 00:11:18 "I appreciate you." "I appreciate you."
222 00:11:21 Fucking sociopath hipster douche.
223 00:11:24 Gonna threaten mein my own goddamn building?
224 00:11:26 I'll fucking knock you out,throw you in a bag of laundry,
225 00:11:28 and they'll never fucking see you again.
226 00:11:31 - Oh my God!
227 00:11:33 Come on! I'm gonna be late.
228 00:11:36 Just fucking sitting there.
229 00:11:39 Oh, look at this fucking asshole.
230 00:11:43 Fucking 30-year-old man riding a kids' toyright in the middle of the fucking street!
231 00:11:47 - Get over!
232 00:11:50 What's he doing now? Is he freestyling?Is he making a YouTube video?
233 00:11:54 Oh my God!How fucking self-involved are you?
234 00:11:59 Share the road!
235 00:12:00 Hey, I agree!
236 00:12:01 So, why don't you get up ontothe fucking sidewalk where you belong?
237 00:12:06 Oh, is that for me?Oh, you a tough guy now, huh? Huh?
238 00:12:10 Where you going,you little cocksucker, huh?
239 00:12:18 What?
240 00:12:20 When was the last time you sawone of those bastards stop at a stop sign?
241 00:12:23 Then they get hit and frost the thinglike some unforeseen tragedy happened.
242 00:12:28 Am I wrong?
243 00:12:30 Yes.
244 00:12:32 Toxic.
245 00:12:39 Oh, look at this. Of course.
246 00:12:42 Unbelievable.
247 00:12:43 500 people come here every day,and they got 20 fucking spots.
248 00:12:46 How much money do you have to payto get a parking lot?
249 00:12:50 What does that say?
250 00:12:51 I'm not reading all that fucking shit.
251 00:12:54 Eh, fuck it. Be in and out.
252 00:13:02 So, you are readingto your kids every night?
253 00:13:04 Uh, we do 17--
254 00:13:05 Oh, excuse me. Excuse me, sir?
255 00:13:07 Yeah?
256 00:13:08 - You were late for pickup.- I'm sorry. There was no parking spots.
257 00:13:13 - Daddy! Daddy!- Nate! Hey, little buddy.
258 00:13:16 Ah! What's up?
259 00:13:19 What's up?
260 00:13:20 - I've missed you, man.- Me too.
261 00:13:22 - How was school?- Good.
262 00:13:25 - You were late for pickup.- Yeah, I told you I couldn't find a spot.
263 00:13:29 I'm sorry. We don't accept excuses.
264 00:13:32 Wasn't an excuse. Just what happened.
265 00:13:34 Plus, I was only, like,two minutes late, right, buddy?
266 00:13:37 - Have you read the school guidebook?- Yep.
267 00:13:45 What?
268 00:13:47 It's a dollarfor every minute you're late.
269 00:13:49 Of course it is.
270 00:13:52 Okay.
271 00:13:56 - Here's five bucks. It's all I got.- Oh, no. The first violation is free.
272 00:13:59 Really? Well, why didn't you tell me thatbefore I put my kid down?
273 00:14:03 Well, if you'd actually read the guidebookinstead of just saying you did,
274 00:14:07 I wouldn't have to tell you anything.
275 00:14:10 - Is there, like, a problem here, miss?- Well, actually--
276 00:14:13 If you have some issue with me,
277 00:14:14 you take me aside in private,and you talk to me.
278 00:14:17 You don't dress me downin front of my kid.
279 00:14:19 I'm paying you to educate my son,not me, okay?
280 00:14:21 Oh. Well, we hereat Little Hearts and Minds
281 00:14:24 believe that educationextends into the home.
282 00:14:27 Oh, do you? Fantastic.
283 00:14:28 And once again, you'd know thatif you'd picked up the guidebook and--
284 00:14:32 Jesus Christ!I read the goddamn fucking guidebook!
285 00:14:34 All right, you stumpy little cunt?
286 00:14:38 Wow!
287 00:14:41 Oh my God.
288 00:14:46 Let's go, Nate.
289 00:14:48 Daddy, what's a cunt?
290 00:14:50 Somebody that gives you shitfor being two seconds late for pickup.
291 00:14:53 How you doing?
292 00:14:56 Okay, buddy, we're home.Now what are we gonna do?
293 00:14:58 Forget what happenedand finish my ice cream.
294 00:15:01 That's right.
295 00:15:05 Hey, buddy, was that good?
296 00:15:07 Ah, you're the best. Here.Let's get you cleaned up real quick.
297 00:15:10 Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.Doop-doop-doop-doop-doop.
298 00:15:13 Yep, okay, cool.
299 00:15:15 All right. Nothing but happinesswhen we go in there, okay? Awesome.
300 00:15:19 Mommy!
301 00:15:20 Well, hey! How are you, buddy?
302 00:15:23 - Hey, how was your meeting, honey?- Oh, it was good! How was pickup?
303 00:15:26 Oh, it was great,smooth, uneventful.
304 00:15:29 Hey, you wanna go watch Puppy Dog Pals?
305 00:15:31 - Puppy Dog Pals!- Puppy Dog Pals. Yay!
306 00:15:33 Jack.
307 00:15:36 Uneventful? I just got off the phonewith Doctor Lois Shmieckel-Turner.
308 00:15:40 Oh boy.
309 00:15:41 What is uneventful about callingNate's principal a stumpy "C"?
310 00:15:46 If you saw the way she was talking to me,it was a perfectly normal response.
311 00:15:49 - For who?- Anyone with a shred of dignity.
312 00:15:52 Keep it down.
313 00:15:55 Anyone with a shred of dignity.
314 00:15:57 Okay, she was talking to melike some deadbeat dad
315 00:15:59 for showing upa minute and a half late for pickup.
316 00:16:02 Oh my God!This has nothing to do with your dignity.
317 00:16:04 This has everythingto do with our son's academic future.
318 00:16:08 Do you know how powerfulDoctor Lois Shmieckel-Turner is?
319 00:16:12 Her kindergarten recommendation
320 00:16:14 makes or breakswhether he gets into The Meadows.
321 00:16:16 Great. So we'll send himto a different private school.
322 00:16:19 She writes the recommendationno matter where he goes.
323 00:16:22 Great! Then it's public school.That place wasn't that bad, and it's free.
324 00:16:25 Are you kidding me?
325 00:16:26 That place was that bad.
326 00:16:28 - You admitted that--- Sh.
327 00:16:30 That one was that bad.And you said it was that bad. Okay?
328 00:16:34 We have been over this.We've looked at all the data.
329 00:16:37 Oh, Jesus Christ with the fucking data!Your generation and the data.
330 00:16:41 - What?- The data, the data, the data.
331 00:16:42 Here's some data for you, okay?
332 00:16:44 Not having your every need catered tois actually a good thing.
333 00:16:47 I went to public school.I turned out fine.
334 00:16:48 Where you learned to talk to principals?
335 00:16:50 No, it's where I learnedto stick up for myself.
336 00:16:52 You need to fix this.
337 00:16:55 And you need to talk to someoneabout your anger.
338 00:16:57 Oh, Jesus Christ with the fucking therapy.Here we go.
339 00:17:00 - Great. Fine. Fine!- Always with the therapy.
340 00:17:01 Go ahead, white-knuckle itthrough this world.
341 00:17:04 But tomorrow,you're gonna go into that school,
342 00:17:06 and you are going to apologize.
343 00:17:08 Good, fine. You think I'm afraid of that?I'll go down there right now.
344 00:17:13 Great.
345 00:17:14 She's not the first personI ever called that word.
346 00:17:21 Don't worry. I'll smooth it right over.
347 00:17:25 Jack, Leah. Thanks so much for coming.
348 00:17:28 Thank you so muchfor meeting with us, honestly.
349 00:17:31 Yes. Doctor Shmieckel-Turner,I... I just wanted to--
350 00:17:34 Uh, please, call me Doctor L.
351 00:17:36 - Doctor L, I just wanna say--- No, no. Save those thoughts.
352 00:17:41 - Oh, okay.- Uh...
353 00:17:44 Oh.
354 00:17:51 Oh, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.
355 00:17:53 We're gonna do thisin front of the whole school?
356 00:17:55 - Um...
357 00:17:57 We view this more as a villagethan a school.
358 00:18:01 And we firmly believein the practice of restorative justice,
359 00:18:06 or gacaca.
360 00:18:09 A common practice in Rwandawhich was especially effective
361 00:18:13 in the aftermath of their genocide.
362 00:18:17 And please, join the other parents.
363 00:18:19 Oh. Okay.
364 00:18:23 Okay. Wow!
365 00:18:26 That's quite a turnout.
366 00:18:30 Um... All right, um...
367 00:18:33 I guess, uh, looking back,
368 00:18:34 I, uh, let my emotionsget the best of me yesterday,
369 00:18:37 and, um, I wish I could have chosenmy words a little bit differently.
370 00:18:41 All right?
371 00:18:43 And I am sorry that six of you heard thisand then told the other 40.
372 00:18:48 And, uh, to any of the childrenthat heard what I said,
373 00:18:50 it's never okay to say those words, okay?
374 00:18:52 I... I was very, very wrong. All right?
375 00:18:56 So that's it. Have a nice morningand, uh, keep using those paper straws.
376 00:19:00 I know they get soggy, but they're goodfor the turtles, evidently.
377 00:19:02 - Thank you.- Okay. No, no. Jack. Jack. Jack.
378 00:19:07 Yeah. We... we appreciate the words,
379 00:19:11 but the process of healinghas only just begun.
380 00:19:16 - Yes, Judy.- Yes, thank you.
381 00:19:18 Um, I would just like to voicehow incredibly hurt I am.
382 00:19:22 Mr. Kelly, do you understandthat using the C-word
383 00:19:26 is like the N-word but for women?
384 00:19:31 Oh yeah. Oh yeah.Yeah, I'm... I'm sure... I'm sure it is.
385 00:19:35 You know, other thanthe 400 years of slavery
386 00:19:36 and continued systemic oppression.
387 00:19:38 Other than that, I thinkyou're making a really solid point.
388 00:19:42 Yes, Mimi.
389 00:19:44 Even though I wasn't there,
390 00:19:46 just knowing that language like thatwas used in front of the child--
391 00:19:53 Oh, Jesus Christ.
392 00:19:58 Please. Brian.
393 00:20:01 As a parent of a child and someonewith chronically low metabolism,
394 00:20:05 but loving my body...
395 00:20:06 - Oh. Good for you, Brian.- Yeah.
396 00:20:09 ...your use of the word "stumpy" wasa real trigger to me and my whole family.
397 00:20:16 Seriously?
398 00:20:17 Yes.
399 00:20:18 Any type of body-shaming just reminds me
400 00:20:21 of what it feels like to be toldthat my body ain't good enough.
401 00:20:25 Oh, okay. All right.
402 00:20:26 Well, I understand that,and I'm sorry I made you feel that way.
403 00:20:30 And I'd also like to add,and I think a lot of you would agree,
404 00:20:32 we do have a major weight problemin this country. Do we not, you know?
405 00:20:36 And it doesn't just affectthis man and his child.
406 00:20:38 I mean, the burden
407 00:20:40 that out-of-shape peopleput on our healthcare system,
408 00:20:43 not to mention the loved onesthey leave behind is...
409 00:20:45 it's truly, truly heartbreaking.
410 00:20:47 And I... I think, as a community,we should be able to talk about it.
411 00:20:51 Like maybe put a salad bar at drop-offor something like that.
412 00:20:54 Oh man! I would love that.
413 00:20:59 All right. Maybe... maybe not now.
414 00:21:02 Wrap it up. Thank you.
415 00:21:03 Uh, I'd just like to say
416 00:21:05 that I am truly sorryfor my actions yesterday.
417 00:21:07 They have no place in this community.Okay? All right.
418 00:21:11 I'm sorry. Have a nice morning. Good day.
419 00:21:14 Eh, eh. Uh...
420 00:21:15 Okay. Okay, let's all thank Jack.
421 00:21:19 It's not easy to admit when we are wrong.
422 00:21:24 This is going to bea long... a long journey.
423 00:21:29 But I know we will allbe there to support him.
424 00:21:39 What the fuck?What does she mean by "long journey"?
425 00:21:42 The journey's over.I just apologized to her
426 00:21:44 and a bunch of weak-kneed peoplewho weren't even there.
427 00:21:48 She doesn't write Nate's recommendationfor another three months.
428 00:21:51 - So?- So!
429 00:21:54 You have a long time to prove to herthat you are a good dad.
430 00:21:57 But why do I need to do that?
431 00:21:58 Because this recommendation is as muchabout Nate as it is about us as parents.
432 00:22:03 Oh, Jesus Christ!Is it ever over with these people?
433 00:22:06 I mean, how many fucking hoopsdo you have to jump through?
434 00:22:09 I don't know, Jack,but you created this problem.
435 00:22:12 So, are you going to man up and solve it,or am I registering for two pacifiers?
436 00:22:18 - Well?- All right.
437 00:22:20 I will play nice, and I will jumpthrough all the hoops, okay?
438 00:22:22 Mm-hmm. Thank you. Have a good day.
439 00:22:37 Hi, baby.I grilled up some buffalo steaks,
440 00:22:40 and there's a Manhattanwaiting for you on the table.
441 00:22:44 - Goddamn, baby. You look good.
442 00:22:49 Follow me.
443 00:22:51 Just what I needed tonight.
444 00:22:52 Well, I do knowhow to take care of my man.
445 00:22:55 - Go on. Sit down.
446 00:22:57 Have a drink. Get all nice and relaxed.
447 00:23:01 Why? What happened?
448 00:23:04 Nothing.
449 00:23:07 No--
450 00:23:08 Okay, well,I do have to tell you something,
451 00:23:10 but you have to promise to not get mad.
452 00:23:14 I went to too many years of law schoolto agree to something like that.
453 00:23:17 What's going on?
454 00:23:21 Well,
455 00:23:23 I'm late.
456 00:23:30 There's no way. That's impossible.
457 00:23:32 I couldn't believe it either.
458 00:23:44 I had a vasectomy, and I pull out.
459 00:23:46 I... I know.I don't know how it happened, but...
460 00:23:51 maybe there's a reason.
461 00:23:55 Pee again.
462 00:23:57 - What?- Pee again!
463 00:23:59 I did. Three times.
464 00:24:00 Well, it's not mine, so go take a test.
465 00:24:15 I mean, look at it this way.You got really strong sperm.
466 00:24:21 You should be proud.
467 00:24:23 Seriously. I mean, guys our age, our cumis usually, like, asthmatic, you know,
468 00:24:29 but your shit's, like,Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, bro.
469 00:24:32 Yeah. To plow througha vasectomy with pre-cum.
470 00:24:35 - I mean, that's unheard of.- Come on.
471 00:24:37 That's like some Braveheart- level jizz.
472 00:24:39 Yeah, dude.You're like a Black William Wallace.
473 00:24:41 Pre-cum!
474 00:24:44 Sorry.
475 00:24:45 Mike, this is gonna be great, okay?And remember, kids keep you young.
476 00:24:49 No, they don't.
477 00:24:50 My kids almost killed me.
478 00:24:52 Oh, come on.
479 00:24:53 Don't you rememberthe beauty of becoming a dad?
480 00:24:55 The smell of a newborn baby's head.I mean, it's the best.
481 00:24:58 They're funny, Mike. They're funny.
482 00:25:00 They say funny shit.They think farts are funny.
483 00:25:03 In the morning, he comes running in."Pull my finger. Pull my finger."
484 00:25:06 - Wet one. It's funny.
485 00:25:08 It's adorable.
486 00:25:09 Another thing, you come home,they're excited to see you.
487 00:25:12 How many places do you walk in,and people just freak out
488 00:25:14 and start running at you,screaming your name?
489 00:25:17 You come home,you feel like you're famous.
490 00:25:18 Yeah, exactly.They don't die after 12 years.
491 00:25:20 - Exactly.- Like a dog.
492 00:25:22 Hopefully.
493 00:25:24 Mike, this is gonna be great.We all get to do it together.
494 00:25:26 Yeah.
495 00:25:27 Jack, you've aged ten yearssince Nate was born.
496 00:25:33 Connor, I don't know what's up with you'cause you don't fucking age.
497 00:25:37 - Thanks, buddy.- It's not a compliment.
498 00:25:40 I don't knowwhat kind of Botox shit you're on,
499 00:25:43 but it's gonna kill you.
500 00:25:45 All right, dude. Ease up. Okay?I didn't fucking get you pregnant.
501 00:25:50 Just... If you don't want the baby,just get an abortion.
502 00:25:54 Flush it.
503 00:25:55 I don't believe in that.That's some white shit.
504 00:25:58 - What's that mean?- What?
505 00:25:59 I don't know. I'm emotional.
506 00:26:03 She said she didn't wanna have kids.
507 00:26:08 What the fuck am I gonna do?
508 00:26:11 - I'm having a heart attack.- You're not.
509 00:26:13 - Can we get some water? Just breathe.- I'm gonna have a heart attack.
510 00:26:16 You're not gonna have a heart attack.You go to the gym.
511 00:26:20 Nobody has a heart attackthat goes to the gym.
512 00:26:22 Except... Remember that jogging guy?He died of a heart attack.
513 00:26:25 - Oh, yeah. Yeah.- Remember that guy?
514 00:26:29 Good morning, everyone.
515 00:26:31 Morning, Doctor L.
516 00:26:32 - Oh!- Hey, buddy.
517 00:26:34 I'll see ya. Have fun. Okay?
518 00:26:37 Is that for me?
519 00:26:39 Oh, it's for the whole community.Yeah, it's an olive tree.
520 00:26:42 Very drought-friendly.And an eternal symbol of peace.
521 00:26:45 I thought it'd be a nice way to cultivatethe kids', uh, social-emotional growth.
522 00:26:50 Something we work on a lotwith Nate at home, you know?
523 00:26:53 Well, I... I am impressed.
524 00:26:56 But this tree is incompatiblewith our ecosystem.
525 00:27:00 The insects that it would attract
526 00:27:02 would be detrimentalto all plant life here.
527 00:27:09 - This is a funny moment.
528 00:27:11 Yeah. You and I are having a--
529 00:27:13 What?
530 00:27:14 I find it so apropos that you have broughtthe plant version of yourself.
531 00:27:21 Jack, I appreciate the effort.
532 00:27:23 I know how hard this is for you.
533 00:27:26 But fortunately, I am here to guide you.
534 00:27:30 If you're willing to take my advice.Is that something you'd be open to?
535 00:27:37 - I need a verbal confirmation.- Yes.
536 00:27:41 Walk with me.
537 00:27:43 As you can see, this issuch a dynamic and whimsical place.
538 00:27:49 A launching padfor the next generation of great leaders.
539 00:27:53 Such as Nate.
540 00:27:56 But they'll never reach the stratospherewithout enough fuel.
541 00:28:02 Our annual fundraiser is coming up,
542 00:28:04 and given your leadership experiencein sales,
543 00:28:08 I think you might make a great chairman.
544 00:28:11 - Me?- What do you think?
545 00:28:16 I think I'm beginningto see how this school works.
546 00:28:20 ♪ Come on, babyLet me see you with the lights up... ♪
547 00:28:27 Let's go. You're fucking getting to ten.
548 00:28:29 - Let's go!- Ah! I got it.
549 00:28:30 - Are you a pussy?- No.
550 00:28:32 - Are you a pussy?- You're a pussy.
551 00:28:33 You're a fucking pussy.Come on, let's go. Let's go.
552 00:28:36 Come on. What are you, on your period?Let's go. Look at me. Look at me.
553 00:28:39 - Look at me!- Ah, I'm looking.
554 00:28:40 That's it. Let's go.One more. One more. One more.
555 00:28:44 - Come on! That's all you! That's all you!- Fuck!
556 00:28:47 All right. Let's go. Down. Down.
557 00:28:49 Up high. Twice. Ah! Fuck Pilates!
558 00:28:53 - Whoo!- That was a good set.
559 00:28:58 - So, you gonna help me with this thing?- Fuck, no.
560 00:29:01 - Come on. It's just a fundraiser meeting.- I said no.
561 00:29:04 What about that timeI pretended to be your dad
562 00:29:06 'cause you were lying to that chickabout your age, huh?
563 00:29:09 I have no recollection of that incident.
564 00:29:11 Oh, you don't? You don't?Isn't that convenient?
565 00:29:13 Hey, there's Mike.
566 00:29:15 - That Britney's car?- I don't think so.
567 00:29:17 Look at the plates.Someone went crazy on CarMax.
568 00:29:19 You know what? I give you two-to-one
569 00:29:22 there's no more baby,and there's no more Britney.
570 00:29:24 - No. You think so?- Yeah. Fifty bucks.
571 00:29:26 Fifty? Hundred.
572 00:29:28 - Hundred. C-note?- C-note?
573 00:29:29 - C-note!- C-note!
574 00:29:31 - All right. Be cool.- All right.
575 00:29:33 - Hey!- Yo, yo, yo.
576 00:29:34 - Look who's here. Big Mike!- What's cracking?
577 00:29:36 - Man, how are you?- What's up, baby?
578 00:29:39 - You look good.- You get a new car?
579 00:29:41 Ford Fusion SEL, fully loaded.
580 00:29:44 Heated seats, Bluetooth, dual sunroof.
581 00:29:46 Delivered straight to my door.You wanna take it for a spin?
582 00:29:50 Me? Nah, I'm good. I'll just rent onethe next time I go to Tampa.
583 00:29:54 Hey, so, you and Britneystill having the kid, right?
584 00:29:57 Yeah, why wouldn't we be?
585 00:29:59 I don't know. Everything you're doingis suggesting you took a mulligan.
586 00:30:03 Why can't I be raising the kidand have the car of my dreams?
587 00:30:06 And pick upa Boyz II Men pinball machine on eBay.
588 00:30:10 People say it's impossible.
589 00:30:12 Well, fuck those peoplebecause I'm doing it. Huh?
590 00:30:16 All right.
591 00:30:18 - Fuck.- Let's get it in, fellas.
592 00:30:19 All right. Pay up, or go to the meeting.
593 00:30:21 Motherfucker.
594 00:30:25 Okay, I can get the VFWto give us the space for free.
595 00:30:28 My buddy Mitch hasa wholesale liquor company.
596 00:30:30 We get the booze at cost, and that justleaves the entertainment and the auction.
597 00:30:34 Uh, but what's the theme?
598 00:30:36 What's the theme?You know, everybody takes an Uber.
599 00:30:38 We all get ripped.Take a night off from our kids.
600 00:30:41 You know what? I think she's right.I think we need a theme.
601 00:30:43 - Yeah.- We definitely need a theme.
602 00:30:45 Last year's theme wasthe Puerto Rican Day Parade.
603 00:30:48 - That was great.- We had Tito Puente Jr.
604 00:30:51 How about an '80s-themed party?
605 00:30:52 Now there's an idea.
606 00:30:54 - I fucking love the '80s.- Fucking '80s are the best.
607 00:30:56 Tank tops, T-tops, and blow, baby.
608 00:30:58 Finger-banging for days. Miami Vice!
609 00:31:01 That's what started that whole thing,sport coats with the T-shirt underneath.
610 00:31:04 Yeah. No socks. Remember?You fold over the pant, roll it up.
611 00:31:08 - No... Yeah.- Boom. Hummer.
612 00:31:09 Are we reliving your childhoodor planning a party?
613 00:31:12 I'm always down for a party.
614 00:31:13 - I am too.- Right?
615 00:31:15 How about "We Are the World"?That's an interesting song. Right?
616 00:31:19 And, you know, it's inclusive.
617 00:31:21 Deals with Africa.We got a lot of Black kids in the school.
618 00:31:26 Uh-- Wha-- I... I mean,I guess it is kind of inclusive.
619 00:31:31 Inclusive adjacent, but some of usweren't even born in the '80s.
620 00:31:34 So I just think that, like,why would we be looking backwards?
621 00:31:37 You know? Like, our whole vibe hereat this school and this whole community
622 00:31:41 is... is looking forward,and I just don't think it really lines up.
623 00:31:44 I've got it.What about the United States of Gender?
624 00:31:47 - There it is. Oh my God. I love that!- I know. I love it.
625 00:31:50 We could have an entirely trans waitstaff.It'd be great!
626 00:31:53 Okay. Wait, guys. There's gonna be a lotof different people here at this party.
627 00:31:56 Maybe we should try to keep ita little more mainstream.
628 00:32:00 Hmm. Define mainstream.
629 00:32:02 I don't know, like, you know,not turn it into, like, a tranny bar.
630 00:32:05 - Oh my God!- Tranny? You cannot say that word!
631 00:32:08 - What are you supposed to say?
632 00:32:10 Trans!
633 00:32:11 Oh, all right. Well, I was close.Trans, tranny. It's like Mike, Mikey.
634 00:32:16 Mikey!
635 00:32:17 Yeah. [laughs] I mean, people call mea ginger. I don't give a fuck.
636 00:32:22 I didn't mean anything by it.All right. Trans.
637 00:32:24 I think if we could just peer throughthe fog of Jack's antiquated logic,
638 00:32:28 we'll all realize that Jack's tryingto bring us together, okay?
639 00:32:31 He's trying to move us forward,not polarize us, okay?
640 00:32:34 Can I just... Can I just...
641 00:32:36 Is there a reason we always have
642 00:32:38 two white men dominatingthe discussion in this room?
643 00:32:43 Was that directed at us?
644 00:32:45 'Cause if I'm not mistaken,you're also a white male, buddy.
645 00:32:47 Why don't you consult the resultsof my 23andMe test?
646 00:32:51 Because the 3% of my lineagethat is Sri Lankan
647 00:32:54 is really not appreciatingyour tone in this moment.
648 00:32:57 So I'm gonna need youto check your privilege.
649 00:32:59 - Check my privilege?- That's right. Check your privilege.
650 00:33:01 Okay. Uh, why don't we concentrateon the silent auction?
651 00:33:05 That's not a white guy?
652 00:33:07 I'm confused.
653 00:33:18 Oh my God! Look at this place.It just gets more depressing every day.
654 00:33:25 What up, party people?
655 00:33:32 Ah! What up, fam?
656 00:33:35 Yo, y'all check out that TikTok videoof the couple exchanging clothes?
657 00:33:39 What?
658 00:33:41 Uh, no, I'm not actually on TikTok, man.
659 00:33:44 What? What are you on an Android phone?
660 00:33:47 - Yeah. As a matter of fact, I am.- Yeah. Me too.
661 00:33:50 It's open-source software.Fully customizable.
662 00:33:52 - Yes! Yes!- Right? That's what I'm talking about.
663 00:33:56 Fuck.
664 00:33:57 Yo. Did you feel that earthquakethis morning? You feel that?
665 00:34:02 Don't worry.
666 00:34:04 It's just my thoughts.
667 00:34:08 Fame.
668 00:34:10 It was once onlythe provenance of the talented.
669 00:34:14 But now we are living in an era
670 00:34:16 in which everyone believesthat they deserve to be famous.
671 00:34:22 The fame bubble is big, my friends.And it's about to burst.
672 00:34:26 You can already see the cracks.
673 00:34:28 Celebrities announcing they're takinga break from social media
674 00:34:31 by taking a selfieand posting it to social media.
675 00:34:34 It's insane.
676 00:34:36 And we are going to makean insane amount of money
677 00:34:40 by making not wanting fame the new fame.
678 00:34:45 We're gonna find a brand ambassador.
679 00:34:47 Someone who earnestly does not crave fame.
680 00:34:52 Introducing Ed Cameron.
681 00:34:56 He is the LeBron Jamesof not being famous.
682 00:35:00 Lives on a plotof alopeciad land in New Mexico.
683 00:35:02 He is entirely self-sustaining.
684 00:35:04 And as far as we know,he's had little to no human contact,
685 00:35:07 not since the late 1980s.
686 00:35:09 How did you find him?
687 00:35:11 Well, it wasn't easy.
688 00:35:12 But in 1976,
689 00:35:13 he signed up for a raffleat a local church.
690 00:35:17 That information was sold to Mammoth Mart,
691 00:35:19 who then sold itto Columbia Record and Tape Club,
692 00:35:22 who turned right aroundand sold it to JPMorgan Chase.
693 00:35:25 And then they got hacked,and it ended up on the dark web,
694 00:35:28 so that was a little harder to--
695 00:35:29 It's not that important to talk abouthow we acquired his personal information.
696 00:35:33 Doesn't matter.
697 00:35:34 What mattersis how we're gonna bring him in.
698 00:35:37 And I got three words for ya.
699 00:35:39 Jack, Mike, Connor, the founding fathers.
700 00:35:42 Whoa, whoa! What?
701 00:35:44 You want all three of usto go pitch this guy?
702 00:35:46 Yeah. Yeah, with my boy, Trav.
703 00:35:49 Why is Travis coming?
704 00:35:51 Good question, Connor. I appreciate you.
705 00:35:53 Hey, hey. This guy chose to livein the middle of nowhere.
706 00:35:56 Yeah.
707 00:35:57 So, how the hell are we gonna convince himto become famous?
708 00:35:59 Ah!
709 00:36:04 Therein lies the work, Jack.
710 00:36:06 Do you thinkthat Steve Jobs invented things?
711 00:36:12 - Yeah. Quite a bit, actually.- Yeah.
712 00:36:13 - iPad.- No.
713 00:36:14 He said things,and then other people did them.
714 00:36:19 So I've said things today,
715 00:36:21 and I want you to go and do those things.
716 00:36:37 Jack, what do you thinkwe're walkin' into here?
717 00:36:39 I mean, you think this guyis even gonna be able to speak English?
718 00:36:42 Yeah.When did he go off the grid?
719 00:36:44 Like, 1988.
720 00:36:46 - Seriously?- Yeah.
721 00:36:47 He's probably still jerkin' offto Samantha Fox.
722 00:36:51 All right, serious question.
723 00:36:53 Would you ratherfuck Samantha Fox in her prime,
724 00:36:57 but she's wearing a Barbara Bush mask?
725 00:37:01 Or fuck Barbara Bush, circa 1988,
726 00:37:07 but you get to have Samanthajust lookin' at you,
727 00:37:10 full eye contact, and she's naked?
728 00:37:12 - Oh, wow! That's a good one.- Thank you.
729 00:37:15 - You always get the left turn.- Mm-hmm.
730 00:37:17 I mean, I thinkI gotta go with the combo platter.
731 00:37:19 I mean, Samantha Fox is smokin' hot,but if I get both of them...
732 00:37:23 You know, I get to look at Samantha.
733 00:37:25 And Barbara Bush,I think she was a clean woman.
734 00:37:26 - You know?- Yeah.
735 00:37:27 And I've never been that closeto that level of power before.
736 00:37:30 Do it in the Oval Office,
737 00:37:32 you know, pick up the red phone,see who's on the other side.
738 00:37:34 The oval orifice.
739 00:37:37 - Yeah, dude!- See what I did there?
740 00:37:39 Bunch of guys, right?Just fuckin' hangin' out.
741 00:37:42 Trashin' women. Yeah, so cool.You guys are so dope.
742 00:37:45 What, are we offending you?
743 00:37:47 No, man, you're not offending me.
744 00:37:49 I just think this misogynistic behavior
745 00:37:51 amongst groups of menis a little, uh, little cliché.
746 00:37:54 Ah, Jesus Christ.We got a feminist in the car.
747 00:37:56 Look, I'm just looking outfor you guys, okay?
748 00:38:00 No offense,you're just comin' across a little...
749 00:38:03 A little old, you know?A little out of touch.
750 00:38:06 We try evolving.
751 00:38:07 Evolving? It's a good idea.Like your generation, right?
752 00:38:10 Filmin' yourselveswhile you're flippin' over water bottles.
753 00:38:13 Incredible progress.
754 00:38:15 If I may interject.
755 00:38:17 Travis, it sounds like what you're sayingis you feel your generation
756 00:38:22 is more evolved than our generation.
757 00:38:27 Oh my God, that was a real question?Yeah, absolutely. Yes.
758 00:38:31 Travis, do you like rap music?
759 00:38:33 I mean, yeah,I listen to all kinds of music.
760 00:38:36 You go deep, or you listento that mumble rap shit?
761 00:38:39 No, I go deep.
762 00:38:40 Really? How deep?
763 00:38:41 You know, the greats.Wu-Tang, Biggie, Nas, uh, N.W.A.
764 00:38:47 N.W.A?
765 00:38:48 Okay, my man Travis goes way back.
766 00:38:52 Saw the movie. Bought the soundtrack.
767 00:38:55 You probably know who Yella Boy is.
768 00:38:57 Wow!
769 00:38:59 You like to sing along to them in the car?
770 00:39:02 Yeah, I rap to them sometimes. Yeah.
771 00:39:05 What do you do when they drop the N-word?
772 00:39:14 - You keep singing along?
773 00:39:15 Uh, no, I...
774 00:39:18 I...
775 00:39:20 I...
776 00:39:21 I listen.
777 00:39:22 - You just listen?- Yeah. I do. I... I listen.
778 00:39:26 I mean, what, do you got a pause buttonin your brain? This is N.W.A.
779 00:39:29 You're by yourself. Windows are up.
780 00:39:32 Cruisin' down the highway. You feelin' it!
781 00:39:36 Are you tellin' methat you stop your flow?
782 00:39:39 - I do.- Bullshit, motherfucker! Nobody could.
783 00:39:40 It's N.W.A.
784 00:39:42 - I thought you said you loved them.- I do.
785 00:39:44 - Do you love them?- Yes, I do!
786 00:39:46 - And you stop your flow?- No, I say it!
787 00:39:52 I wanna hear how he says it.Put on N.W.A "Straight Outta Compton."
788 00:39:56 Oh, come on, man. I don't wanna do this.I don't wanna do this.
789 00:39:58 Why not? You say it when I'm not around,but you won't say it when I am around.
790 00:40:02 That makes me feel like you're sayin' itin a way I wouldn't wanna hear it.
791 00:40:11 I just wanna go on recordas saying I don't wanna do this.
792 00:40:14 Sing the damn song!
793 00:40:15 Okay.
794 00:40:16 Just chill out.
795 00:40:18 ♪ Straight outta ComptonCrazy motherfucker named Ice Cube ♪
796 00:40:22 ♪ From the... ♪
797 00:40:24 ♪ When I'm called off, I get a sawed-off ♪
798 00:40:27 ♪ Pull the triggerAnd the bodies get hauled off ♪
799 00:40:29 ♪ You too, boy, if ya fuck with me ♪
800 00:40:31 ♪ The police are gonna have to comeAnd get me ♪
801 00:40:33 ♪ Off yo ass'Cause that's how I'm goin' out ♪
802 00:40:36 ♪ The punk motherfuckersThat's showin' out... ♪
803 00:40:38 N-- No.
804 00:40:42 Fuck! I don't wanna say it, man.I don't wanna say it.
805 00:40:45 Good. You shouldn't wanna say it.
806 00:40:48 But on behalf of Dr. Dre and company,
807 00:40:51 thank you for buying this shit.
808 00:40:54 Hey, Mike, for the record,
809 00:40:55 whenever I listen to hip-hop,I never say it, bro.
810 00:40:58 Really? When do you say it?
811 00:41:02 Uh...
812 00:41:03 - Okay, guys. Come on. It's over.- Jack! Jack!
813 00:41:06 - Oh shit.- Shit.
814 00:41:09 - Shit, Jack.- The fuck was that?
815 00:41:13 I don't know, but it's dead.
816 00:41:16 - What's that guy doin'?
817 00:41:28 Holy shit. I think that's him.
818 00:41:30 Who?
819 00:41:31 - Ed Cameron.- Nuh-uh.
820 00:41:33 - You fucking kidding me?- No.
821 00:41:34 Where you goin'?Get back in the car.
822 00:41:38 Hi.
823 00:41:40 How you doing?
824 00:41:46 Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry.Was that your armadillo?
825 00:41:53 It is now.
826 00:41:58 - The highway provides.- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
827 00:42:03 This, uh, might seemlike a weird question,
828 00:42:05 but you wouldn't happen to beEd Cameron, are you?
829 00:42:11 Who's askin'?
830 00:42:13 Oh. Jack Kelly.
831 00:42:19 Uh, we were just coming up hereto talk to you.
832 00:42:30 You ain't a bunch of fags, are you?
833 00:42:36 Hey, Cara.
834 00:42:37 - Yeah.- Hey.
835 00:42:39 - Sorry.- I'll catch you later.
836 00:42:40 - Bye, Joanna.- Sweetie, let's go.
837 00:42:42 I was hopingI was gonna run into you today.
838 00:42:44 How's the second trimester?
839 00:42:45 You know?It's harder than it was with Nate.
840 00:42:47 You know what? I could tell.You're looking a little peaked.
841 00:42:51 - You still working out?
842 00:42:53 Yeah.
843 00:42:54 Uh, I was gonna talk to youabout Britney's baby shower.
844 00:42:57 - And I was thinking we should-- Oh!
845 00:42:59 Hey, Colin. You have to be careful, okay?Auntie Leah's got a baby in here.
846 00:43:04 Hi, baby!
847 00:43:05 Colin! You are not allowed to do that,do you understand me?
848 00:43:09 Hey, hey! He's got a little extra energy.
849 00:43:10 That doesn't give you the rightto scream at my child.
850 00:43:13 I was just trying to protect myself.
851 00:43:16 He's five years old.He doesn't know any better.
852 00:43:18 Don't you think he should?
853 00:43:21 Are you calling me a bad mother?
854 00:43:23 You could say I thinkyour parenting techniques are interesting.
855 00:43:27 Home birth, no epidural, 4% body fat.
856 00:43:32 The proof is in the pudding.
857 00:43:33 Maybe if you occasionally atesome of that pudding,
858 00:43:35 you wouldn't have sweat your tits off.
859 00:43:38 - Yeah.
860 00:43:41 I cannot wait to seethe look on Aspen's face
861 00:43:44 when he congratulates usfor landing that fucking lunatic.
862 00:43:51 Fucker's gonna give us all bedbugs.
863 00:43:55 - Hey, Travis.- Yo.
864 00:43:57 Holy shit.They already got him on a T-shirt?
865 00:43:59 Yeah. It's the prototype,but it's pretty fucking sick, right?
866 00:44:02 So, last night, Aspen goesto this ayahuasca ceremony,
867 00:44:05 and he gets this, like, crazy vision.
868 00:44:07 Memes, T-shirts, NFTs.
869 00:44:10 I don't know what any of that means.
870 00:44:13 I mean, dude's a crazy fucking genius.This campaign is gonna be fire.
871 00:44:17 If you say so.
872 00:44:18 Hey, sorry I'm late.
873 00:44:20 Hey, Connor. You seethey already got this guy on a T-shirt?
874 00:44:23 Unbelievable.
875 00:44:27 - What are you doin' way over there?- I can sit wherever I want.
876 00:44:31 - There a reason you're not looking at me?- I don't know. Is there?
877 00:44:35 Gentlemen.
878 00:44:39 You did it.You guys crushed it. You really did.
879 00:44:42 I mean, I understand now whythis company has been alive for 23 years.
880 00:44:45 Yeah, well, guess these old dogshad a little more bite left in 'em
881 00:44:48 than you thought.
882 00:44:50 Yeah.
883 00:44:52 We're gonna have to talk aboutthe rental car though.
884 00:44:54 Ah, just a scratched bumper.We have insurance.
885 00:44:57 We have insurance for the car.We don't have insurance for this.
886 00:45:01 Hey, let me ask you a question.Did Caitlyn Jenner keep Bruce's dick?
887 00:45:05 - Like in a jar?- Where'd you get this?
888 00:45:07 No, like, she still has it.
889 00:45:08 Like, Caitlyn has tits and a dick,and is that why you say "they"?
890 00:45:12 - I get what you're saying.- Look, I'm not saying I'd bang Caitlyn.
891 00:45:16 But, I mean, tell me that's nota better person to watch a game with.
892 00:45:19 That's fucking Bruce Jenner.
893 00:45:20 I wonder, like, every four yearswhen the Summer Olympics come up,
894 00:45:23 who's the first oneto call Caitlyn and be like,
895 00:45:25 -"You wanna watch the decathlon today?"- Yeah.
896 00:45:30 I feel super fucking badfor all your wives.
897 00:45:33 Let me ask you something, Travis.You ever been married?
898 00:45:35 - No, I haven't.- Well, there you go.
899 00:45:37 Why don't you go up to a Marine nowand tell him what it's like in battle?
900 00:45:40 Did you set that camera up?You fucking snitch.
901 00:45:42 Whoa. No, no, no, no, no, no.
902 00:45:44 Trav had nothing to do with this, okay?This came from the rental car company.
903 00:45:48 They sent it to us in exchange forall of our users' personal information.
904 00:45:51 Are you fucking kidding me?
905 00:45:53 It's an information economy.
906 00:45:54 They, uh, record everythingfor liability and safety, apparently.
907 00:45:57 Well, you know, once I saw it...Guys, my hands are tied.
908 00:46:01 Gonna have to liberate you.
909 00:46:02 "Liberate" us?Is he firing us over that bullshit?
910 00:46:06 It's a bunch of guysshootin' the shit in a car.
911 00:46:08 There's no way that's fucking legal.
912 00:46:09 It is, actually, in New Mexico.
913 00:46:14 Okay, fine, so we're terminated.You still gotta pay us.
914 00:46:18 Actually, we don't.
915 00:46:20 Because your behavior violated the termsof your morality clause in your contract.
916 00:46:24 Morality clause?
917 00:46:26 What... what's he talkin' about?
918 00:46:28 So all of your equity has been liquidated,
919 00:46:31 and it's been returnedto the general fund.
920 00:46:33 What the fuck?
921 00:46:34 You have to leave the premisesimmediately if you don't mind.
922 00:46:37 - Let's go.- Look. The meter maids are back, huh?
923 00:46:39 You hide behind these guys?Do all your dirty work?
924 00:46:42 Yeah, they're good guys.
925 00:46:44 Un-fuckin'-believable.
926 00:46:45 120 pounds soakin' wet.
927 00:46:47 - You fucking piece of shit.- Wow!
928 00:46:50 - Come on.- Real nice, man.
929 00:46:52 - Travis, can you get that?- Yeah.
930 00:46:56 Yikes, right?
931 00:46:58 You too, though, Travis. You too.
932 00:47:01 What?
933 00:47:04 I didn't condone anythingthat was goin' on in the car.
934 00:47:06 I was being vocally--
935 00:47:07 ♪ And shit ♪
936 00:47:09 ♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪
937 00:47:10 - Is that my apartment?- Yeah.
938 00:47:12 ♪ Yeah... ♪
939 00:47:14 Why... why do you have this, Aspen?
940 00:47:16 You got a TV with a camera.Things could happen.
941 00:47:18 ♪ Gold all in my chain ♪
942 00:47:20 ♪ Gold all in my ring ♪
943 00:47:22 ♪ Gold all in my watch ♪
944 00:47:25 ♪ Don't believe me, just watchNigga, nigga, nigga ♪
945 00:47:27 ♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪
946 00:47:29 ♪ Don't believe me, just watchNigga, nigga, nigga... ♪
947 00:47:32 - Justin.- Come on, man!
948 00:47:34 Oh, Aspen, come on, man.I was getting hyped, dude.
949 00:47:36 I was... I was gettin' readyto start my fuckin' day.
950 00:47:39 I was gettin' readyto start the day, dude!
951 00:47:42 What the hell's a morality clause?
952 00:47:45 It's a boilerplate clausein every corporate contract,
953 00:47:47 but I've never heard itused in the context
954 00:47:50 of secretly filming someonein a rental car in a different state.
955 00:47:53 Well, why the fuckwould you have us three knuckleheads
956 00:47:56 sign a morality clausewhen you know how we are?
957 00:47:58 Don't you mean how you are?Motherfucker, let me tell you somethin'.
958 00:48:02 If it wasn't this, it'd be somethin' else.
959 00:48:04 And now, thanks to you,
960 00:48:05 I'm gonna be working until I'm 85!
961 00:48:07 Oh, you're not puttin' this on me, Mike.You're not puttin' this on me, okay?
962 00:48:11 For 23 years,you didn't miss a goddamn thing,
963 00:48:13 but you were so hot to trotto get your loaded Ford fucking Fusion,
964 00:48:17 you left us exposed.
965 00:48:19 Are you questioning my competency?
966 00:48:21 No, I'm questioning your motivation.
967 00:48:22 Guys, come on, okay?We're all in this together.
968 00:48:26 Not anymore.I'm done with you, Jack.
969 00:48:28 You and your big fuckin' mouth.
970 00:48:29 Come on, Mike.
971 00:48:32 - Connor, why aren't you lookin' at me?
972 00:48:34 Don't worry about it, okay?I can look wherever I want.
973 00:48:36 - The fuck is goin' on with you?- Jack, we can't hang out right now, okay?
974 00:48:41 Just know that there will comea time in the future
975 00:48:43 when we will be able to hang out again,but that time is not now, okay?
976 00:48:46 - It's just... It's too fuckin' weird.
977 00:48:49 The fuck are you talkin' about?
978 00:48:51 Why don't you ask your wife?
979 00:48:55 Hey, babe.
980 00:48:56 - Did you try to fuck Connor?
981 00:48:59 - Huh?- What? What are you talking about?
982 00:49:01 How come Connor said you're the reasonme and him can't hang out?
983 00:49:04 - I don't--- Answer me that, Leah. Answer me that.
984 00:49:06 Oh my God.
985 00:49:09 Okay. So, Cara and I got intoan argument at pickup, okay?
986 00:49:12 I said she was a shitty momwho couldn't parent her kid.
987 00:49:15 - Oh!- Oh.
988 00:49:16 - Well, didn't I tell you not to do that?- Yes, yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
989 00:49:20 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, but...
990 00:49:23 Do you really thinkthat I would try and fuck Connor?
991 00:49:26 - No, that was stupid.- I mean... Come on, what are you--
992 00:49:30 - I'm emotional.- What's going on?
993 00:49:32 I lost my job today.
994 00:49:34 - What?- I lost my job today.
995 00:49:36 - What?- We all did.
996 00:49:37 Oh no, honey. Oh no. What happened?
997 00:49:40 I don't know. I...
998 00:49:42 We said some shit on that road trip,and it got back to the office.
999 00:49:47 What did you say?
1000 00:49:49 You know, stuff you say in a rental carwhen you don't know you're bein' filmed.
1001 00:49:55 Can I guess?
1002 00:49:57 I'd appreciate it if you didn't.
1003 00:50:00 It wasn't that bad.
1004 00:50:03 Look, the real point is,you know, I let you and the kids down,
1005 00:50:05 and now Nate can't go to private school.
1006 00:50:07 I feel terrible about that.I'm gonna figure out a way--
1007 00:50:09 No. You know what?Nate is gonna go to private school.
1008 00:50:13 And I don't care if we have four mortgageson the house and I work every day
1009 00:50:17 until my water breaks,but my son is not gonna get left behind
1010 00:50:20 because his father hasthe self-control of a two-year-old.
1011 00:50:24 It's not self-control.It's a right-to-privacy issue, but...
1012 00:50:39 Dear Jack, these last monthshave felt like a fuckin' eternity, man.
1013 00:50:45 I miss you.
1014 00:50:46 I miss our brotherhood.
1015 00:50:49 The fighting for a common goal,the camaraderie, the ball-breaking,
1016 00:50:54 even though it was often at my expense.
1017 00:50:56 Jenner into the spin.Lets it fly.
1018 00:51:00 Bruce Jenner has won gold!
1019 00:51:04 You don't have to know what's going onto be what's going on.
1020 00:51:09 - The Ed Cameron Collection.
1021 00:51:12 - Mike is hanging in there.
1022 00:51:15 You know, he's got a good jobat a mid-level firm,
1023 00:51:17 and I think he's really comin' aroundto becoming a father again.
1024 00:51:22 And he seems happy, but...Well, you know Mike.
1025 00:51:26 He's not a big talker.
1026 00:51:30 Being unemployed hasn't been easy.
1027 00:51:34 But I've been watchingthis guy Joel Osteen a lot.
1028 00:51:38 Man, once you get past all the God shit,the guy's got a pretty positive message.
1029 00:51:42 And his hair is bangin'.
1030 00:51:44 He told the storyof these three sheepherders--
1031 00:52:04 Fuck.
1032 00:52:10 Dear Jack,
1033 00:52:12 I miss you, man.
1034 00:52:13 As you know, I was a neglected child.
1035 00:52:16 Lot of time with the Legos,if you know what I mean, and--
1036 00:52:22 What are you doing?
1037 00:52:25 Nothing. It's just...
1038 00:52:27 It's... it's...
1039 00:52:29 Just knockin' off a little haiku. It's...
1040 00:52:33 It's stupid. I...
1041 00:52:38 Let's go to bed, right, babe?
1042 00:52:40 I'm so tired.
1043 00:52:42 Uh... It's...
1044 00:52:53 Here you are.
1045 00:52:54 - Thank you.- Thank you.
1046 00:52:57 - Jack!- Hey.
1047 00:52:58 I mean, great party.Everybody seems to be having a blast.
1048 00:53:01 - Oh, thank you.- I have to commend you.
1049 00:53:03 Having the foresight to seethat any party theme decided upon
1050 00:53:06 by a predominantly white committeewould be inherently biased...
1051 00:53:10 Well, your growthreally makes my heart smile.
1052 00:53:12 Oh, well,I was just listenin' to the group.
1053 00:53:16 Hey, who knew throwin' a party celebratin'white people not hurtin' anyone
1054 00:53:19 would actually be a big hit?
1055 00:53:21 I'm a little surprised too.Congratulations, Jack.
1056 00:53:25 Oh, thank you, Doctor L.
1057 00:53:27 But remember,the real metric for the party
1058 00:53:30 is what it does for the children.
1059 00:53:34 Good luck.
1060 00:53:37 Thank you.
1061 00:53:39 Godspeed.
1062 00:53:42 Hey, hey. You know what?Don't worry about her.
1063 00:53:45 Yeah, you're right.This next item is gonna sell itself.
1064 00:53:47 If it doesn't, we can always auction offsome of our dumb jewelry.
1065 00:53:50 Listen, you just need to focus, okay?
1066 00:53:52 - Right. Right.- Think about Nate.
1067 00:53:54 You know, turn on that charm
1068 00:53:56 I so deeply regretfalling in love with every day.
1069 00:53:59 You're gonna bring it home,like you always do, right?
1070 00:54:01 - Right. Right. All right.- Oh, uh, Connor gave me a note.
1071 00:54:04 Actually, he gave someone else a noteto give to me to give to you.
1072 00:54:08 I don't know.
1073 00:54:10 You're gonna be great. I know it.
1074 00:54:12 - I love you.- Thank you. Thank you.
1075 00:54:14 Dear Jack, this situation sucks.But I'm here for you, bro.
1076 00:54:18 I'd write more, but these gummiesare starting to kick in.
1077 00:54:27 - What are you doing?
1078 00:54:30 Doin' this, girl. Ah, remember that?The old days? What? Girls.
1079 00:54:34 Oh!
1080 00:54:42 All right, ladies and gentlemen.Uh, just a little quick reminder.
1081 00:54:46 There's only 45 minutes leftin our silent auction.
1082 00:54:49 That's still plenty of timeto bid on some incredible items,
1083 00:54:53 including artworkcreated by your own children
1084 00:54:56 to raise money for the school.
1085 00:55:00 It's not child laborif it's for a good cause. Am I right?
1086 00:55:04 All right. Now, if we lookat the Doctor L-O-Meter,
1087 00:55:06 we are inching towardsour goal of $30,000,
1088 00:55:09 which brings us to the live auction.
1089 00:55:12 The next item we have up for bidsis something very special.
1090 00:55:16 I know what you're thinking to yourself.
1091 00:55:17 You're thinking, "Jack, how the heckare you gonna top two floor seats
1092 00:55:21 to see Adele at The Forum?"
1093 00:55:23 Well, ladies and gentlemen,
1094 00:55:25 you better havethose paddles in your hands
1095 00:55:27 'cause I'ma tell you something.
1096 00:55:28 We are about ready to bid...Get ready for this.
1097 00:55:31 We're about ready to bidon two hours of uninterrupted,
1098 00:55:35 one-on-one time with the one and only
1099 00:55:38 Doctor Lois Shmieckel-Turner!
1100 00:55:42 - Yes, there she is!
1101 00:55:45 Two hours to gleanan entire lifetime of parental knowledge
1102 00:55:50 from one ofSouthern California's leading educators.
1103 00:55:54 Now, this is crazy to me.
1104 00:55:55 They told meto start this bidding at $1,500.
1105 00:55:58 But I don't know what it is.I don't know what it is.
1106 00:56:00 Old Jackie boy is feelinga little bit crazy tonight.
1107 00:56:03 I don't know, but since I'm havingso much fun at this "no theme" theme event
1108 00:56:07 that I'm gonnaget a little crazy here, people.
1109 00:56:09 I'm not startingthe biddin' off at $1,500.
1110 00:56:11 I'm gonna start it off at $2,000, huh?!
1111 00:56:15 Yeah! So, who's gonnahave fun with me, huh? All right.
1112 00:56:18 Do I hear $2,100? Who's got 21?I got $2,100 right there.
1113 00:56:23 $2,100. Do I hear 22? 22! Who's got 22?
1114 00:56:28 Brian Dodson! Big Brian.Not body-shaming. You look fantastic.
1115 00:56:33 My God! Ladies, look at this guy.I know he's married, but you know,
1116 00:56:37 little side glance won't hurt you.
1117 00:56:38 Do I hear 23? Who's got 23?
1118 00:56:41 Joanna Wilkerson, who needs a nannywho's also a personal assistant,
1119 00:56:45 if you can help out.
1120 00:56:46 All right, 24. I need 24.Who's got 24? 24?
1121 00:56:49 Brian Dodson! Back to Big Brian.
1122 00:56:52 Oh my God!We've got a dogfight going on here.
1123 00:56:55 And I'm jumping right in the middle of it.
1124 00:56:57 I'm not going $2,500.I'm not going 26, 27, 28.
1125 00:57:01 I'm taking the elevator upto the penthouse.
1126 00:57:04 I'm going $3,000!
1127 00:57:09 Yeah, yeah, yeah!
1128 00:57:10 $3,000, baby! Who's coming with me?
1129 00:57:13 Who's going $3,200?Let me hear $3,200. 32.
1130 00:57:16 Thirty-two. Great number. OJ Simpson.OJ Simpson scaring the white people.
1131 00:57:20 All right. Marcus Allen.Who's going $3,200? Come on.
1132 00:57:25 All right. Old Jack, you gota little too crazy. How about $3,100?
1133 00:57:29 $3,100. Who's got $3,100, huh?
1134 00:57:34 $3,100?
1135 00:57:37 All right. Come on, people.I saw a lot of Teslas in the parking lot.
1136 00:57:41 Just 'cause your car's quietdoesn't mean you have to be.
1137 00:57:44 - $3,100.
1138 00:57:46 Really? You're gonna let mewalk with this for $3,000?
1139 00:57:49 'Cause I'll tell you right now.I'll take it. I will take it.
1140 00:57:52 $3,000? $3,000 going once.$3,000 going twice.
1141 00:57:57 $3,000? Final time!
1142 00:58:00 - Sold to Jack Kelly!
1143 00:58:08 I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
1144 00:58:11 - Hey! Old Jackie!
1145 00:58:14 Yeah! Jack Kelly!
1146 00:58:19 All right. That concludesthis portion of the auction.
1147 00:58:22 We only have a few more items left to bid.
1148 00:58:24 Please hold onto those paddles.We're gonna get to our goal, all right?
1149 00:58:27 Have a good time.Keep drinking those drinks.
1150 00:58:29 I'll be back in a few momentsfor the last few items.
1151 00:58:31 All right. Enjoy yourselves.
1152 00:58:48 Jack.
1153 00:58:50 I must thank youfor your generous donation.
1154 00:58:54 And I'm also quite frankly surprisedyou'd want to spend two hours with me.
1155 00:59:00 Yeah. Well, I guessI'm full of surprises, huh?
1156 00:59:02 Yes. Yes, you are,
1157 00:59:03 considering I heardthat you lost your job and your company.
1158 00:59:09 How are you and your familyhandling this setback?
1159 00:59:13 Just fine.
1160 00:59:14 Because we have tons of literaturethat will help you
1161 00:59:16 through what I knowmust be a very trying time.
1162 00:59:19 Hey, listen, Doctor L,
1163 00:59:21 you can drop the act, okay?
1164 00:59:23 Just drop the act.
1165 00:59:24 All right, you got my money.
1166 00:59:25 So now I guess my kid getsa good recommendation,
1167 00:59:28 and everything's fine.
1168 00:59:30 Jack, I hope you aren't insinuatingthat your financial commitment
1169 00:59:33 is going to buyyour child a recommendation.
1170 00:59:36 Oh, I would never do that. No.
1171 00:59:40 You know, Jack,I don't fault you for the way you are.
1172 00:59:45 You're just blindedby a lifetime of privilege.
1173 00:59:49 If I was privileged,I don't think I'd have to spend two hours
1174 00:59:52 pretending I wanted to talk to you,now would I?
1175 00:59:54 Excuse me?
1176 00:59:55 You heard me.
1177 00:59:57 - I guess I did.- Good.
1178 00:59:58 I will take that into considerationwhen I write up Nate's recommendation.
1179 01:00:01 Oh, I bet you will. I bet you will, huh?That's how you operate?
1180 01:00:05 Fuck over an innocent child'cause you have petty bullshit with me?
1181 01:00:08 Hey. You two already started talking.
1182 01:00:11 I, uh...
1183 01:00:14 I hope that doesn't countagainst our two hours.
1184 01:00:16 Hello, Mrs. Kelly.
1185 01:00:20 Good night, Jack.
1186 01:00:26 What did you say to her?
1187 01:00:27 I didn't do anything. She came over here.She started twisting the knife, Leah.
1188 01:00:31 What did you say to her?
1189 01:00:34 Of course. Of course. What did I say?
1190 01:00:36 What did Jack say?Can you ever be in my corner, Leah, huh?
1191 01:00:39 I just dropped three grandthat we don't have
1192 01:00:41 to spend two hourswith that fucking egomaniac.
1193 01:00:44 And you come over with,"What did Jack say?"
1194 01:00:47 You know what I said? I saidwhat everybody is already thinking
1195 01:00:49 but doesn't have the fucking balls to say.
1196 01:00:54 Oh, great. Great.Now you're gonna cry, right?
1197 01:00:57 - Yeah. Great.
1198 01:01:00 You're an asshole.
1199 01:01:02 Oh, I'm an asshole?Then why did I do all of this, huh?
1200 01:01:06 What, you're mad? What?What, Leah? 'Cause I'm honest? Huh?
1201 01:01:09 - Huh, Leah?
1202 01:01:13 What the fuckare you guys looking at, huh?
1203 01:01:16 Yeah, I could be like you guys.
1204 01:01:18 Pretending to care. You guys don't care.
1205 01:01:20 All you're trying to dois not get in trouble.
1206 01:01:23 That's what the fuck is wrongwith your whole generation.
1207 01:01:26 Okay, boomer.
1208 01:01:27 Generation X!
1209 01:01:30 Slacker.
1210 01:01:40 Here you go.
1211 01:02:06 Oh, Jesus Christ!
1212 01:02:08 Leah.
1213 01:02:10 Leah!
1214 01:02:13 Leah, open the door.
1215 01:02:21 Leah.
1216 01:02:23 Leah, come on. Open the door.
1217 01:02:26 I know you can hear me.
1218 01:02:31 Oh, Jesus Christ!
1219 01:02:38 I'll fix that.
1220 01:02:41 What the fuck is wrong with you?
1221 01:02:43 What the fuck's wrong with me?You locked me out.
1222 01:02:45 I know I did.So, what are you doing standing here?
1223 01:02:48 'Cause I live here.
1224 01:02:49 Oh, Jack. I need youto not be in this house right now.
1225 01:02:53 All right, fine, whatever.I'll sleep on the couch.
1226 01:02:56 No. I have had it.I have had it with your outbursts.
1227 01:03:00 I have had it with your... your inabilityto understand your level of anger
1228 01:03:06 and the negative effectit's having on our family.
1229 01:03:08 Okay, I'm sorry.I got a little sideways tonight. I just--
1230 01:03:11 No. No. No.
1231 01:03:14 You don't get to keep doing thisover and over and over again, okay,
1232 01:03:18 and just thinking that an apologymakes it okay, because it doesn't, okay?
1233 01:03:23 You fucking humiliated me tonight.And you humiliated your son.
1234 01:03:27 And I am past arguing about it with you!
1235 01:03:34 What... what are you saying?
1236 01:03:36 I just need you to leave, Jack.
1237 01:03:39 Because right now, I don't knowif I even wanna raise my kids with you.
1238 01:03:42 - Okay?- Oh, Jesus! Really?
1239 01:03:44 - Yes!- You're gonna take it to that level?
1240 01:03:45 Yes, I'm goingto take it to that fucking level, Jack!
1241 01:03:48 - Because of that bullshit down there!- Exactly!
1242 01:03:50 That I told you was gonna happen!I told you!
1243 01:03:52 And I'm down there dancinglike a fucking show pony!
1244 01:03:55 Pack your bag!
1245 01:04:01 - Oh, honey. I'm sorry.- Hey, buddy.
1246 01:04:04 Oh. Come here. Did we wake you up?
1247 01:04:08 Mommy, why is Daddy leaving?
1248 01:04:13 Daddy's got a lot of workhe's gotta do, buddy.
1249 01:04:18 When are you gonna be done, Daddy?
1250 01:04:22 Um, yeah, I... I don't know, buddy.
1251 01:04:29 Hey. Let's get you back to bed, okay?
1252 01:04:32 Okay.
1253 01:04:58 Oh shit.
1254 01:05:16 I said no onions.
1255 01:05:23 Oh, excuse me, sir.
1256 01:05:26 You can't smoke out here.
1257 01:05:30 Well, what are you doing?
1258 01:05:33 Uh, I'm... I'm vaping.
1259 01:05:35 What's the difference?
1260 01:05:37 The difference is people can't smellwhat I'm doing from ten blocks away.
1261 01:05:41 All right. Well, I can seewhat you're doing. It's called smoking.
1262 01:05:44 So, till you put yours out,I'm not putting mine out. How about that?
1263 01:05:48 I don't mean to pull rank here,but this is my hotel.
1264 01:05:51 Motel.
1265 01:05:53 - What?- It's a motel.
1266 01:05:54 Open courtyard. A serial killercan walk right up to my door, man.
1267 01:05:58 If this was a hotel,he'd have to go through a lobby first.
1268 01:06:02 It's a motel. So, why don't youget off your high horse, huh?
1269 01:06:07 Hey, quick question.
1270 01:06:09 Uh, what the fuck is your problem?
1271 01:06:11 What's my problem?My problem is I live in a world
1272 01:06:14 where a guy who's smokingis telling me I can't smoke, all right?
1273 01:06:18 That, in a nutshell, is my problem.
1274 01:06:19 Well, in a nutshell, it's not smoking.
1275 01:06:22 What makes it smoking, buddy,
1276 01:06:24 is the fucking smokecoming out of your mouth, all right?
1277 01:06:27 So, get out of my fucking facebefore I throw you in that fucking pool?
1278 01:06:31 I don't respond to hyperbole!
1279 01:06:32 - Good. I don't know what that means.- If you want an ass-kicking, keep talking.
1280 01:06:36 Oh! "Hyperbole"! I got big hotel words.
1281 01:06:38 Ladies, ladies, whoa.What are we doing here?
1282 01:06:41 It's a nice day. Relax. Take in the view.
1283 01:06:45 Sweetheart, mind if I ask you a question?
1284 01:06:47 Yeah, what's that?
1285 01:06:48 Do you think vaping is smoking?
1286 01:06:50 Oh, absolutely, yeah.And it's ruining this country.
1287 01:06:53 Thank you. Thank you.There. I rest my case.
1288 01:06:56 Yeah, and so are those fucking immigrants.
1289 01:07:01 I mean, how many morecan we let in?
1290 01:07:10 Well, that made some room.
1291 01:07:14 I'm excitedfor this baby shower.
1292 01:07:15 Aren't you glad Leah suggested we do coed?
1293 01:07:18 - We're gonna have fun, right?- Definitely.
1294 01:07:23 Baby, look at me.
1295 01:07:26 I know you're scared, okay? So am I.
1296 01:07:29 But I can't live in fear anymore.
1297 01:07:31 I need you to know what I need,or this isn't gonna work.
1298 01:07:35 I want us to be official.And not just for the baby but for us.
1299 01:07:42 I love you, Mike.And I want us to get married.
1300 01:07:46 And I know you may needsome time to process this, and...
1301 01:07:49 Okay.
1302 01:07:51 Okay?
1303 01:07:54 Yep.
1304 01:07:56 Well, can you fucking hug meor something? Damn!
1305 01:08:07 Where are you going?
1306 01:08:08 Nowhere.I'm just gonna go register to vote.
1307 01:08:29 Hi! You've reached my mom.She's not here.
1308 01:08:34 - Tell 'em to leave a message.- Leave a message.
1309 01:08:56 - From pastrami with love.- Yeah.
1310 01:08:58 Fries extra crispy.Oreo cookie shake.
1311 01:09:02 - And a root beer.- Thank you.
1312 01:09:25 You sure you wanna do this?
1313 01:09:27 There's nothing else to do.
1314 01:09:32 - Oh God. I miss coke.- Where the fuck did you get that?
1315 01:09:35 Don't worry about that, Jackie boy.I know a guy.
1316 01:09:38 Now let's goset this neon town on fire!
1317 01:09:42 What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, huh?
1318 01:09:44 Okay, all right.We're still in Pomona, so pace yourself.
1319 01:09:47 You fucking pace yourself, okay?I got about 90 minutes
1320 01:09:49 before my wife gets homeand notices my sister watching the kids.
1321 01:09:52 So, you know, this might bethe coke talking, but I don't give a fuck.
1322 01:09:57 - My man Mikey here is getting married.
1323 01:10:00 What was that?
1324 01:10:02 It's just us in here, right?
1325 01:10:03 Yeah, yeah. We're cool. Just relax, man.
1326 01:10:05 - It was a bump in the road. Just the road!- Whoa! Sh! Sh! Sh!
1327 01:10:10 Okay. I'm good.
1328 01:10:12 - You're watching him this time.
1329 01:10:14 Whoo! Whoo!
1330 01:10:21 ♪ Face to face ♪
1331 01:10:23 ♪ Out in the night ♪
1332 01:10:26 ♪ Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry... ♪
1333 01:10:33 ♪ It's the dream of the fight ♪
1334 01:10:35 ♪ Watching us all in the eye ♪
1335 01:10:40 ♪ Of the tiger... ♪
1336 01:10:44 Whoo!
1337 01:10:45 ♪ The eye of the tiger ♪
1338 01:10:50 Guys, my foot went numb.
1339 01:10:51 Dude, I can drive.Want me to drive?
1340 01:10:53 No fucking way.
1341 01:10:58 All right, man.Once this sciatica acts up...
1342 01:11:01 - You sure you all right with this?- Yeah, it's fine.
1343 01:11:06 I'm feeling lucky.
1344 01:11:11 Ah!
1345 01:11:12 ♪ Lady love ♪
1346 01:11:15 ♪ Your love is peaceful... ♪
1347 01:11:16 Yeah, fuck Vegas.
1348 01:11:18 Those casinos are all ownedby the people who started Halliburton.
1349 01:11:22 Look at this place. This place is great.
1350 01:11:24 If I'm gonna lose money, I'd rather do itin a Native American casino.
1351 01:11:27 I like it. Yeah! Monetary justice.
1352 01:11:29 Goddamn, this coke is not good.I gotta take a shit.
1353 01:11:31 - Uh, I'll meet you at the sportsbook?- Sportsbook. All right. I'll see you.
1354 01:11:37 Hey, where the hell's Mike?
1355 01:11:44 Britney? It's me.
1356 01:11:51 Cara.
1357 01:11:52 Don't look so surprised.
1358 01:11:54 Britney and I areactually incredibly close.
1359 01:11:57 It's not like that kind of thing wherewe have to talk every day to reinforce it.
1360 01:12:00 Right. Uh, sure.
1361 01:12:03 Um, listen, I'm really sorrythat I criticized your parenting.
1362 01:12:07 - That was a total overstep.- Hmm.
1363 01:12:10 So, uh, you know, can we just move on?
1364 01:12:14 Oh, I did already. I assumed you had too.
1365 01:12:19 I just did.
1366 01:12:21 Well, come in, come inbecause Britney really needs us.
1367 01:12:23 Right.
1368 01:12:25 Oh no!
1369 01:12:27 - No more bets.- Hey, there he is.
1370 01:12:30 Easy, big fella. What are we doing here?
1371 01:12:32 Donnie, change me out for five grand.
1372 01:12:35 Oh, no, no, no, no. No.What are you doing? What are you doing?
1373 01:12:38 It's okay. I'm due.
1374 01:12:40 Mike, you've gambled,like, four times in your life, okay?
1375 01:12:43 How the fuck are you due?
1376 01:12:45 All right, Jack.
1377 01:12:47 I'm a conservative man.
1378 01:12:49 I drive a four-door sedanwith seven airbags.
1379 01:12:53 I got a vasectomy.
1380 01:12:55 Guess what?
1381 01:12:57 She got pregnant anyway.
1382 01:12:59 Then I lost my job,my company, my retirement,
1383 01:13:03 all because I decidedto exercise free speech
1384 01:13:06 in the back of a goddamn rental car!
1385 01:13:09 So, yeah, Jack. I think I'm fucking due!
1386 01:13:13 Okay, okay. Sorry.
1387 01:13:15 But look. Look around the casino, Mike.Everybody here thinks they're due.
1388 01:13:20 Look at that poor lady.She looks like she's scuba diving.
1389 01:13:25 Hey. Is that Aspen Bell?
1390 01:13:31 No fucking way.
1391 01:13:35 Holy shit. That is him.
1392 01:13:37 - Told you my luck's changing.- Let's go.
1393 01:13:50 ♪ Yeah ♪
1394 01:13:53 ♪ I kick it root downI put my root down ♪
1395 01:13:58 - ♪ So, how we gonna kick it? ♪- ♪ Gonna kick it root down ♪
1396 01:14:00 - ♪ Yeah, how you wanna kick it? ♪- ♪ Gonna kick it root down ♪
1397 01:14:03 - ♪ So, how you gonna kick it? ♪- ♪ Gonna kick it root down ♪
1398 01:14:05 ♪ Gonna break it on downGonna kick it root down ♪
1399 01:14:08 - Whoa, whoa, whoa.- Oh shit!
1400 01:14:09 - Sorry.- Sorry.
1401 01:14:14 - Hey!- Hey, man! What's up?
1402 01:14:16 Oh fuck! What the fuck?
1403 01:14:17 Yeah, motherfucker!
1404 01:14:18 Look at us when we're talking,corporate piece of shit!
1405 01:14:20 You fucked with the wrong dads, ese.
1406 01:14:23 What, are you here pissing away the moneyyou made off the company we built?
1407 01:14:26 Did you book a suite, motherfucker?
1408 01:14:28 No, no, no, no. Guys, I'm...I'm here for sensitivity training.
1409 01:14:30 You should be.'Cause you're a fucking dick!
1410 01:14:33 Wait a second. Wait a second.Sensitivity training? What's that?
1411 01:14:37 Did you guys know that Native Americanstake offense to the term "spirit animal"?
1412 01:14:42 Wait. Did you get in troublefor selling those Ed Cameron T-shirts?
1413 01:14:46 Suspended indefinitely, actually.
1414 01:14:48 - I think that's millennial for "fired."
1415 01:14:51 That's what happens to punk motherfuckers!
1416 01:14:52 How ironic!
1417 01:14:54 Yeah, how'd it feel to get firedfor absolutely nothing?
1418 01:14:56 "I appreciate you!"
1419 01:14:57 - Oh boy. Oh my God!
1420 01:14:59 - What's happening?- Oh Jesus!
1421 01:15:01 Fucking Twitter.They fucking posted me.
1422 01:15:03 All right, relax.
1423 01:15:04 They fucking putmy home address on Reddit.
1424 01:15:07 And my girlfriend left me.
1425 01:15:14 Yeah, but you didn't seethe look on his face.
1426 01:15:17 I don't think he wantsto be with me anymore.
1427 01:15:19 Trust me. He does.
1428 01:15:21 How do you know?
1429 01:15:23 Because Connor has that lookon his face all the time.
1430 01:15:25 It means nothing.
1431 01:15:26 - It has to mean something.- This is what it means.
1432 01:15:29 It means they need us.They know it. It bothers them.
1433 01:15:34 Oh please.
1434 01:15:36 Do not look to me for advice, okay?
1435 01:15:38 I married an absolute lunatic.
1436 01:15:41 Do you know that he tried to fightan entire row of college kids
1437 01:15:45 at the ArcLight Cinema on our second date?
1438 01:15:48 And it worked. It totally charmed me.
1439 01:15:50 I let him touch my boobs.
1440 01:15:53 I guess I was hopingfor something more, but Cara's right.
1441 01:15:58 I think, when it comes to guys,
1442 01:16:01 there's just not a lot of layers.
1443 01:16:04 So, anyway, what I'm trying to say is
1444 01:16:08 it's one of the only things in lifethat lives up to the hype.
1445 01:16:11 I mean, nothing you're gonna achievein your career can even touch it,
1446 01:16:14 so if you feel that way about Hannah,you should go and tell her.
1447 01:16:17 'Cause the only thing that matters in lifeis if you love someone and they love you.
1448 01:16:22 That's all that matters.That and your kids.
1449 01:16:26 Jesus Christ!Look at the fucking ass on her.
1450 01:16:29 Oh my God! Yeah.
1451 01:16:30 All right! Let's getthose Tuesday night dollars coming.
1452 01:16:33 - Come with me.
1453 01:16:35 Oh, no, thank you. I'm... I'm good.
1454 01:16:36 That's not what your friend told me.He paid for two dances.
1455 01:16:40 What happens in Vegasstays in Vegas, baby!
1456 01:16:43 We're in Palm Desert, buddy!
1457 01:16:45 Your mother's in Palm Desert, you pussy!
1458 01:16:47 Yeah! "Your mother'sin Palm Desert, you pussy!"
1459 01:16:50 My man! We're not friends.
1460 01:16:53 Come on.
1461 01:16:56 Hey, you're on deck, haircut!
1462 01:17:00 I need you to bring that energy way down.
1463 01:17:04 It's okay. Really.He's cool. He's cool, Randy.
1464 01:17:07 Yeah, it's okay, Randy. I'm cool.
1465 01:17:10 Give me some.
1466 01:17:11 Pound it out!
1467 01:17:13 Randy!
1468 01:17:15 Aw, I'm sorry about that.
1469 01:17:17 Oh, that's okay. I mean, if I were him,I'd be intimidated by me too.
1470 01:17:20 Oh, yeah. You are in great shape.
1471 01:17:23 Oh, yeah? Thank you very much.I work hard at it.
1472 01:17:26 You're in great shape too.You have awesome skin.
1473 01:17:28 Thank you.
1474 01:17:30 How old are you?
1475 01:17:31 Aw, I can't tell you that.
1476 01:17:34 How old do you think I am?
1477 01:17:37 - Forty-nine.- What?
1478 01:17:41 How do you know that?
1479 01:17:43 The neck.
1480 01:17:46 Tyler "Blam," up on the main stage.
1481 01:17:51 How you doing?
1482 01:17:53 I think I had a nervous breakdown earlier,
1483 01:17:56 but I'm cool now.
1484 01:17:59 Aw, that's hella scary.
1485 01:18:01 Well, don't worry, Daddy.
1486 01:18:04 Just don't call me "Daddy."
1487 01:18:07 - What do you want me to call you?- Call me Mike.
1488 01:18:10 That's no fun.
1489 01:18:13 I'm gonna call you Hella Mike.
1490 01:18:18 Mmm. Hella Mike.
1491 01:18:27 Fuck this place, man.
1492 01:18:29 I don't look 49. Do I look 49?
1493 01:18:32 Forty-seven.
1494 01:18:33 Man, fuck you!
1495 01:18:35 See that guy over there?That's a 49-year-old man.
1496 01:18:42 Let me tell you something.
1497 01:18:43 You have no ideahow awesome I was at your age.
1498 01:18:46 I was dating two chicks at the same time,
1499 01:18:48 both of them named Amy,and they knew about each other.
1500 01:18:52 And they loved it. Happy to share me.
1501 01:18:54 I used to hang out with my boyswhenever I wanted, man.
1502 01:18:57 I could eat whatever I wanted,crush Rolling Rocks all day,
1503 01:19:00 slept until I wasn't tired anymore.
1504 01:19:02 One time, Julio Iglesiascame up to me in an airport,
1505 01:19:07 dead certain I was his son, Enrique.
1506 01:19:09 The fucking kind of vibeI was putting out, bro!
1507 01:19:12 And it was effortless.It was fucking effortless.
1508 01:19:16 That's ridiculous.
1509 01:19:19 I was ridiculous.
1510 01:19:23 Throw those dollars, guys. Come on.
1511 01:19:25 ♪ Uh, I'm Hella Mike!That's what I like! ♪
1512 01:19:28 ♪ I'm Hella Mike! That's what I like, uh ♪
1513 01:19:32 I don't know.
1514 01:19:34 I have faced a lot of stuff in my life.
1515 01:19:38 The fear of losing my family is worsethan anything I've ever faced before.
1516 01:19:45 My brain just keeps playing outthis scenario about what could happen.
1517 01:19:49 You know, seeing my kidevery other weekend.
1518 01:19:52 My wife's gonna be marriedto some fucking orthopedist.
1519 01:19:55 Levelheaded cocksucker.
1520 01:20:01 Yeah, I don't know. Maybe Leah's right.
1521 01:20:06 Maybe I'm not cut out for this shit.
1522 01:20:08 I mean, I love being a dad and everything.
1523 01:20:12 Holy shit, that's her. Shut the fuck up!
1524 01:20:15 Leah, hey, hi! Listen, I am so sorryfor everything that I said.
1525 01:20:20 What?
1526 01:20:23 Wait, who is this?
1527 01:20:24 - Ha! Uh! Ooh! Uh! Uh!
1528 01:20:26 Mike! Mike! Mike! Britney called.
1529 01:20:31 Leah's in labor.
1530 01:20:33 Thank God!Man, you scared the shit out of me.
1531 01:20:36 - Congratulations!- Thank you.
1532 01:20:38 Ladies, my man Jack hereis about to become a father again.
1533 01:20:44 - That's so amazing!- Oh, thank you.
1534 01:20:47 You're gonna be such a great dad.
1535 01:20:49 I appreciate that.
1536 01:20:50 - I'm so happy for you, man.- Oh, thanks, buddy.
1537 01:20:53 She's a couple of weeks early,so I'm freaking out.
1538 01:20:55 - Let's get the fuck out of here.- You go ahead. I'm good.
1539 01:20:58 The fuck are you talking about?
1540 01:21:02 I'm not going back.
1541 01:21:04 This is me now. Hella Mike!
1542 01:21:07 - Whoo!- Hella Mike? Who the fuck is Hella Mike?
1543 01:21:09 - Hella Mike? Mike, you're hella hammered.
1544 01:21:12 Uh! Uh!
1545 01:21:13 Mike, there's a situation back homethat you can and will deal with
1546 01:21:16 because you're a fucking man.
1547 01:21:18 Look at me. You're a fucking man.
1548 01:21:20 Mike, come on.
1549 01:21:26 You're absolutely right, Jack.
1550 01:21:28 I love you, man.
1551 01:21:31 I love you too, man.
1552 01:21:33 Aw!
1553 01:21:37 Hey, man.
1554 01:21:38 Uh, that's your third gimletin, like, five minutes. Are you okay?
1555 01:21:42 "Hey, man." Let me tell you something.
1556 01:21:47 Don't ever count another man's drinks.
1557 01:21:51 And one more thing.
1558 01:21:55 Don't ever get fucking married.
1559 01:22:03 - Connor?
1560 01:22:05 Connor, what the fuck? Are you okay?
1561 01:22:08 Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do I do?What the fuck? Oh fuck!
1562 01:22:14 Shit!
1563 01:22:15 - Hey! I told you to fucking relax!- Wait!
1564 01:22:18 - Oh shit!- What the fuck, man?
1565 01:22:20 He's choking! He's choking!
1566 01:22:21 - Oh shit!- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
1567 01:22:23 - Relax! Relax!- He's with us.
1568 01:22:25 - Shit!
1569 01:22:27 I'm not with them! I'm not with them!
1570 01:22:30 Whoa! Barbara!
1571 01:22:33 - My wife is in labor!
1572 01:22:35 Get off!
1573 01:22:37 - Hey, congrats on becoming a father.- Where the fuck are you going?
1574 01:22:43 Ladies are still dancing.
1575 01:22:45 Connor!
1576 01:22:46 Don't mind that skirmish.
1577 01:22:48 I'm not with them! I'm not with them!Tell them I'm not with you guys!
1578 01:22:52 - You okay, buddy?
1579 01:22:55 - You all right, buddy?- I'm back!
1580 01:22:57 - Connor! Oh shit!
1581 01:23:02 Hey! Hey!
1582 01:23:04 Yeah, that's right!TikTok LIVE, motherfuckers!
1583 01:23:07 Documenting your use of excessive forceon these poor, defenseless dads.
1584 01:23:12 Get that fucking camera!
1585 01:23:14 Guys, guys, run! Run!
1586 01:23:16 Fuck! Shit! Oh God!I am an innocent bystander here!
1587 01:23:20 We gotta go, Mike!
1588 01:23:23 Oh no! Please let me go!Don't touch me! I gotta pee!
1589 01:23:25 That's Arabella on stage two.
1590 01:23:35 Guys, I'm too hammered.Can either one of you drive?
1591 01:23:42 Oh fuck.
1592 01:23:51 - All right.- One of you guys better be Connor!
1593 01:23:54 - You Richie?- How'd you know my name?
1594 01:23:56 - Oh, they say it on the phone.- The picture's different.
1595 01:23:59 Do you mind if we move those golf clubsout of the back seat?
1596 01:24:02 Yeah, I mind.
1597 01:24:04 Why?
1598 01:24:05 Because they're a full set of Lee Trevino.
1599 01:24:09 Wooden heads.
1600 01:24:11 So you're gonna shut the fuck up,sit up here in the front seat,
1601 01:24:15 and stop being such a fucking Mary.
1602 01:24:18 Are you fucking happy?
1603 01:24:19 That's good enough for me.Let's go.
1604 01:24:25 Jesus! Now, let me seewhere you guys are sending us.
1605 01:24:29 Um... Oh, for Chrissake! Memorial Hospital?
1606 01:24:33 That's downtown LA. It's 100 miles, bud.
1607 01:24:36 Yeah. Yeah, my wife's in labor.She's having a baby. Let's go!
1608 01:24:38 Wait a second. How old are you?
1609 01:24:41 Fifty-one.
1610 01:24:42 You still can fire a shot.
1611 01:24:44 =That's very cool. I like that.- Thank you.
1612 01:24:47 Dude, what rideshare did you call?
1613 01:24:49 - I could call another driver.- I speak English.
1614 01:24:53 ♪ Splish splash, I was takin' a bath ♪
1615 01:24:56 ♪ 'Long about a Saturday night ♪
1616 01:25:00 ♪ Rub dub, just relaxing in the tub ♪
1617 01:25:03 ♪ Thinkin' everything was all right ♪
1618 01:25:06 ♪ Then, I stepped out the tubPut my feet on the floor ♪
1619 01:25:10 ♪ Wrapped my towel around meI opened the door ♪
1620 01:25:13 ♪ And then a splish splashI jumped back in the bath ♪
1621 01:25:16 ♪ How was I to knowThere was a party going on? ♪
1622 01:25:20 ♪ Bing bang, I saw the whole gangDancing on my living room rug ♪
1623 01:25:27 ♪ Flip flop, they was doing the bop... ♪
1624 01:25:29 Goddamn it, you fucking whore!
1625 01:25:34 Ugh! What a fucking sewer.
1626 01:25:37 That's why I left this goddamn city.
1627 01:25:39 Every blond-headed dipshit with a dreamhas to come all the way down here,
1628 01:25:44 suck dick to hosta fucking game show.
1629 01:25:50 Richie, I'm gonna missthe birth of my kid.
1630 01:25:52 Oh, who gives a shit, bud?
1631 01:25:54 You know where I waswhen my rotten kid was born?
1632 01:25:57 I was down the street in a bar.
1633 01:25:59 Having a beer, eating fried clams,'cause that's the way it went then.
1634 01:26:03 - Let's go!
1635 01:26:05 Richie, can we makea fucking U-turn or something here?
1636 01:26:08 I've been trying to make U-turnssince I was 36 years old, bud.
1637 01:26:11 Can't be done!
1638 01:26:14 I'll tell you, the biggest mistakeI ever made in my life was--
1639 01:26:16 - You fudge-packing asshole!
1640 01:26:20 Oh fuck, it's a parade!Please go right ahead!
1641 01:26:26 When is the last time you ever sawone of those bastards obey a stop sign?
1642 01:26:43 Where are you going? Wait.
1643 01:26:44 - Hey, Jack! What are you do--- Jack. Jack.
1644 01:26:46 - Fuck. Zero stars, Richie. Zero stars!
1645 01:26:51 Go dodge a draft, asshole!
1646 01:26:55 Oh, that's a good idea.That's a good idea, Jack.
1647 01:26:57 - What do I do?- Just take the picture.
1648 01:26:59 - I took the picture. Am I good?- You're good.
1649 01:27:01 What are they? How do I work these?
1650 01:27:03 It's like a fucking skateboard.Just push it. Go! It's electric!
1651 01:27:07 - Get on.- It's not going!
1652 01:27:08 Hit the thing!
1653 01:27:09 - What thing?- Hit the thing!
1654 01:27:10 I got it! I got it! I got it!
1655 01:27:12 Come on. Let's go!
1656 01:27:13 - You know I got a flip phone?- What the fuck?
1657 01:27:15 What? I don't wantmotherfuckers tracking me!
1658 01:27:17 Man, nobody gives a shit where you are.Get on! Come on! Come on!
1659 01:27:22 Oh shit!
1660 01:27:24 Easy!
1661 01:27:25 - All right!- Christ!
1662 01:27:26 Whoo! These things are awesome.These fucking things are awesome!
1663 01:27:33 Share the road!
1664 01:27:35 - We're gonna lead!- Whoa! Whoa!
1665 01:27:37 Whoo!
1666 01:27:50 Go, go, go!
1667 01:27:55 Maternity? Maternity?
1668 01:27:58 Thank you.
1669 01:28:02 Jack?
1670 01:28:04 That's a good move.
1671 01:28:10 I missed it?
1672 01:28:16 I fucking missed it. I missed it.
1673 01:28:20 Daddy!
1674 01:28:24 Hey, buddy, how are you?
1675 01:28:26 Daddy, I have a baby sister.
1676 01:28:29 Yes, you do.
1677 01:28:30 - Are you crying?
1678 01:28:35 A little bit.
1679 01:28:37 A little bit.
1680 01:28:39 Why?
1681 01:28:40 'Cause I messed up, buddy.I messed up. I messed up.
1682 01:28:46 It's okay. Rub some dirt on it.
1683 01:28:51 Yeah, rub some dirt on it, right?You're the best, buddy.
1684 01:28:55 No, you're the best.
1685 01:29:01 Jack, you wanna pull yourself togetherand come meet your daughter?
1686 01:29:05 Yeah.
1687 01:29:13 - Hey, I got you these.
1688 01:29:18 She's beautiful.
1689 01:29:20 Here. Here, princess.
1690 01:29:21 Just a second.No skin-to-skin with the glitter.
1691 01:29:25 Oh. Yeah, right.
1692 01:29:27 Listen, Leah, I knowyou're super pissed at me.
1693 01:29:29 - And you have every right to be.
1694 01:29:32 Okay, but I want you to knowI love you to death.
1695 01:29:36 And I'm so sorry I let thingsget the way they did between us.
1696 01:29:42 I know I have a lot of work to do,but I want you to know
1697 01:29:46 I'm not gonna spreadmy anger onto these kids,
1698 01:29:48 and you're not gonna haveto deal with it anymore.
1699 01:29:53 I'm going to get help, all right?
1700 01:29:57 I'm seeking help from a professional.
1701 01:30:00 And you cameto this realization at a strip club?
1702 01:30:06 Yeah.
1703 01:30:08 Yes, I did.
1704 01:30:12 Probably another reasonI need to go to therapy.
1705 01:30:15 - Hmm.
1706 01:30:25 For what it's worth,I got my first appointment on Tuesday.
1707 01:30:32 You're really luckywe make beautiful babies.
1708 01:30:37 Yeah. Can I see her?
1709 01:30:39 - Yeah.- Okay.
1710 01:30:43 - Meet your daddy.- Hey, princess. Hey.
1711 01:30:50 Am I gonna have to movethe Kleenex to your side of the bed?
1712 01:30:53 Yeah, probably.
1713 01:30:56 Huh?
1714 01:30:57 Look at those eyes.
1715 01:31:04 Hey. Oh my God.
1716 01:31:08 She's beautiful. Look at you.
1717 01:31:11 What are we gonna call her?
1718 01:31:12 - I was thinking--- Where's your fucking ring?
1719 01:31:15 Oh yeah. It's probably somewhere,like, in my lower intestine.
1720 01:31:19 Your wedding ringis inside your body right now?
1721 01:31:21 - It's metal. It'll pass.- Yeah.
1722 01:31:23 What the fuck, Connor?
1723 01:31:25 Okay, okay, okay. Let's take that outside.
1724 01:31:29 In fact, anyone who is notan immediate member of the family, out.
1725 01:31:34 Here we go.
1726 01:31:37 You guys made a beautiful baby.
1727 01:31:39 Thank you, Mike.
1728 01:31:40 So...
1729 01:31:43 Is there anything you wanna tell meabout your little trip?
1730 01:31:48 Nope.
1731 01:31:49 I'm good.
1732 01:31:52 No more Hella Mike.
1733 01:31:55 Who's Hella Mike?
1734 01:31:57 I don't really know.
1735 01:32:00 But I do know that he made some decisionsover the last 17 hours,
1736 01:32:04 and I don't like how things turned out.
1737 01:32:07 But just know that I love you and...
1738 01:32:10 I mean, you know, there's a lotof crazy shit going on in the news.
1739 01:32:15 And it's not just the booze talking,but I just fucking...
1740 01:32:24 Britney,
1741 01:32:26 would you do me the honorof becoming my bride?
1742 01:32:30 Michael Jahim Richards.
1743 01:32:33 I am not answering that questionin the middle of a hospital!
1744 01:32:37 - My bad.- Get up! Jesus!
1745 01:32:39 Get up! Come on! Take a shower!Buy a ring! Show some effort!
1746 01:32:43 At least take meto Tony Roma's or something.
1747 01:32:47 How about Ruth's Chris?
1748 01:32:51 I mean, I do love Ruth's Chris.
1749 01:32:59 - I'm just so sick of your fucking excuses.- What? It's not an excuse, Cara.
1750 01:33:02 I'm in actual fucking pain,which is something you can't relate to
1751 01:33:06 because you block it outwith your cold, reptilian mindset.
1752 01:33:12 You think I'm cold?
1753 01:33:14 Babe, when you open your legs,
1754 01:33:16 I can actually hearthe East German National Anthem.
1755 01:33:18 Ah!
1756 01:33:21 Finally, a little fucking emotion!
1757 01:33:26 Are you trying to tell meyou don't wanna be with me anymore?
1758 01:33:30 No. No, babe.
1759 01:33:32 I'm just telling you that I don't wannalive my life this way anymore.
1760 01:33:36 I would like to be less afraid of you.
1761 01:33:40 You know, and maybe not haveevery minute of my life scheduled.
1762 01:33:44 I would also like to eat carbohydratesevery once in a while.
1763 01:33:47 And speakin' of,
1764 01:33:49 would an occasional blow jobfuckin' kill you?
1765 01:33:52 No cap.
1766 01:33:59 Did you fuckin' see that?
1767 01:34:01 No cap! No cap! That means...
1768 01:34:04 that means that's true!
1769 01:34:05 Okay. Okay, Connor.
1770 01:34:07 - No cap! No cap!
1771 01:34:10 For the record, it mean "no lie."
1772 01:34:12 That's what I meant!
1773 01:34:14 That's what I meant!
1774 01:34:17 Oh fuck.
1775 01:34:22 This is the best partof my day, every day. Still.
1776 01:34:26 And things are better now.
1777 01:34:28 We sent Nate to the local public school
1778 01:34:30 and threw a ripper down at the VFWthat raised a shitload of money for it.
1779 01:34:35 I'm sure some of the programsaren't at the private school level,
1780 01:34:38 but they still play tackle football,
1781 01:34:40 and you can pick your kids upwhenever the fuck you get there.
1782 01:34:44 We never did getour two hours with Doctor Lois.
1783 01:34:47 Turns out she was embezzlingall that money we raised for the school
1784 01:34:50 to keep her creditors at bay.
1785 01:34:52 But at the end of the day,she's a white woman,
1786 01:34:54 so she's not going to jail.
1787 01:34:56 She'll probably get a book deal.
1788 01:34:58 Meanwhile, that crazy Ed Cameronfinally figured himself out.
1789 01:35:02 He came out of the closet
1790 01:35:03 and ended up marryingthe cute old guy from Judas Priest.
1791 01:35:07 Mike sued the owners of Trifectafor age discrimination,
1792 01:35:10 and we got some of our equity back.
1793 01:35:13 Connor blew his share on a neck lift.
1794 01:35:15 Nice!
1795 01:35:16 Life is good.And I've been in therapy, doin' the work.
1796 01:35:21 Leah says she's seen a noticeable change.
1797 01:35:23 I don't let things get to methe way they used to.
1798 01:35:26 Excuse me. Sir.
1799 01:35:28 You really think that's smart?
1800 01:35:30 Throwin' a ball around like thatwith a baby strapped to your chest?
1801 01:35:39 You know what?I didn't even think of that.
1802 01:35:41 Thank you for that information.I appreciate it.
1803 01:35:44 Yeah, absolutely.
1804 01:35:48 Have a nice day.
1805 01:35:51 Fuckin' asshole.
1806 01:36:01 ♪ I think I'm sophisticated... ♪
1807 01:36:03 Come on, buddy. Nice throw.
1808 01:36:09 Holy shit. You all right, buddy?
1809 01:36:15 Just walk it off.
1810 01:36:22 ♪ I think I'm sophisticated ♪
1811 01:36:23 ♪ 'Cause I'm living my lifeLike a good homosapien... ♪
1812 01:36:26 All right, let's try to getten in a row here. That was crazy, huh?
1813 01:36:30 ♪ Everybody's multiplying ♪
1814 01:36:31 ♪ And they're walking roundLike flies, man... ♪
1815 01:36:36 Nice throw!Nice throw! There you go.
1816 01:36:38 ♪ Sitting in their cagesIn the zoo, man... ♪
1817 01:36:40 Another nice throw. Right here.
1818 01:36:43 Gets the ball over to first base!
1819 01:36:45 ♪ I am an apeman ♪
1820 01:36:47 ♪ I think I'm so educatedAnd I'm so civilized ♪
1821 01:36:50 ♪ 'Cause I'm a strict vegetarian ♪
1822 01:36:54 ♪ But with the over-populationAnd inflation and starvation ♪
1823 01:36:57 ♪ And the crazy politicians ♪
1824 01:37:00 ♪ I don't feel safe in this worldNo more ♪
1825 01:37:03 ♪ I don't want to die in a nuclear war ♪
1826 01:37:07 ♪ I want to sail away to a distant shore ♪
1827 01:37:10 ♪ And make like an apeman ♪
1828 01:37:13 ♪ I'm an apeman, I'm an ape apemanNo, I'm an apeman ♪
1829 01:37:19 ♪ I'm a King Kong man, I'm a voodoo man ♪
1830 01:37:22 ♪ No, I'm an apeman ♪
1831 01:37:26 ♪ 'Cause compared to the sunThat sits in the sky ♪
1832 01:37:29 ♪ Compared to the clouds as they roll by ♪
1833 01:37:32 ♪ Compared to the bugsAnd the spiders and flies ♪
1834 01:37:36 ♪ I am an apeman ♪
1835 01:37:47 Oh, Jesus.
