独领风骚 Clueless(EN)Subtitles
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1 00:00:52 Okay, you're probably going, "Is this a Noxzema commercial or what?"
2 00:00:56 But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.
3 00:01:01 I get up, I brush my teeth, and I pick out my school clothes.
4 00:01:24 Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers.
5 00:01:28 Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him.
6 00:01:31 And Daddy's so good, he gets $500 an hour to fight with people.
7 00:01:35 He fights with me for free because I'm his daughter.
8 00:01:37 -Daddy. -Cher, please don't start
9 00:01:39 -with the juice again. -Daddy, you need your vitamin C.
10 00:01:41 Where's my briefcase?
11 00:01:42 It's been a couple of months now, so I said we'd go out to Malibu.
12 00:01:45 Don't tell me those brain-dead lowlifes have been calling again.
13 00:01:48 They are your parents. And don't try sneaking out of the office.
14 00:01:52 Dr. Lovett's coming by to give you a flu shot.
15 00:01:54 Josh is in town, he's coming for dinner.
16 00:01:56 -Why? -He's your stepbrother.
17 00:01:58 You were hardly even married to his mother and that was five years ago.
18 00:02:02 -Why do I have to see Josh? -You divorce wives, not children.
19 00:02:06 -Here. -Forget it!
20 00:02:08 Did I show you the loqued-out jeep Daddy got me?
21 00:02:11 It's got four-wheel drive, dual side airbags, and a monster sound system.
22 00:02:16 I don't have a license yet, but I needed something to learn on.
23 00:02:21 Boy, they came out of nowhere.
24 00:02:25 Here's where Dionne lives.
25 00:02:26 She's my friend because we both know what it's like
26 00:02:29 to have people be jealous of us.
27 00:02:30 Dude!
28 00:02:32 Girlfriend!
29 00:02:33 And I must give her snaps for her courageous fashion efforts.
30 00:02:36 Hey, Cher.
31 00:02:38 Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past
32 00:02:41 who now do infomercials.
33 00:02:44 So?
34 00:02:45 Go shopping with Dr. Seuss?
35 00:02:47 At least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my backpack.
36 00:02:49 It's faux.
37 00:02:51 -Hello! That was a stop sign. -I totally paused.
38 00:02:56 Yeah. Okay.
39 00:03:00 It's not even 8:30 and Murray is paging me.
40 00:03:03 -He is so possessive. -Tell me about it.
41 00:03:05 This weekend he called me and he's all, "Where were you?"
42 00:03:07 I'm like, "I'm at my grandmother's..."
43 00:03:08 Dionne and her boyfriend Murray are in this dramatic relationship.
44 00:03:12 I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie
45 00:03:14 just too many times.
46 00:03:16 Now I have to say to her...
47 00:03:18 De, why do you put up with it? You could do so much better.
48 00:03:21 I know. Here he comes.
49 00:03:25 Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?
50 00:03:28 -I hate when you call me "woman." -Where you been all weekend?
51 00:03:30 -You jeeping behind my back? -Jeeping?
52 00:03:32 Jeeping. Know what I'm saying?
53 00:03:34 No, but speaking of vehicular sex
54 00:03:36 perhaps you can explain how this cheap K-Mart hair extension
55 00:03:39 -got into the back seat of your car. -I don't know where that came from.
56 00:03:43 That looks like one of your little stringy things you got up in your hair.
57 00:03:46 I do not wear polyester hair, okay?
58 00:03:48 Unlike some people I know, like Shawana.
59 00:03:51 -De, I'm Audi. -Bye.
60 00:03:52 -Why do you gotta go there? -That's it! I've had it with you!
61 00:03:55 Is it that time of the month again?
62 00:03:57 I don't know why Dionne's going out with a high-school boy.
63 00:04:00 They're like dogs.
64 00:04:02 You have to clean them and feed them and...
65 00:04:04 They're just like these nervous creatures
66 00:04:06 that jump and slobber all over you.
67 00:04:08 Get off of me.
68 00:04:11 As if!
69 00:04:13 Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America?
70 00:04:18 Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro.
71 00:04:23 Cher, two minutes.
72 00:04:25 So, okay.
73 00:04:27 Like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America.
74 00:04:32 But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?"
75 00:04:35 But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right?
76 00:04:39 I said RSVP because it was a sit-down dinner.
77 00:04:42 But people came that, like, did not RSVP. So, I was like totally bugging.
78 00:04:48 I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food,
79 00:04:51 squish in extra place settings,
80 00:04:53 but by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier.
81 00:04:56 And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen,
82 00:04:59 rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians.
83 00:05:03 And in conclusion, may I please remind you
84 00:05:05 that it does not say "RSVP" on the Statue of Liberty.
85 00:05:12 Thank you very much.
86 00:05:20 Amber, a reply?
87 00:05:21 Mr. Hall, how can I answer that?
88 00:05:24 The topic is Haiti and she's talking about some little party.
89 00:05:28 Hello! It was his 50th birthday.
90 00:05:32 Whatever. If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine.
91 00:05:36 Ladies.
92 00:05:38 So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher's oration?
93 00:05:42 Elton, comments?
94 00:05:43 Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD. I gotta go to the Quad
95 00:05:46 -before somebody snags it. -I'm afraid I can't permit that.
96 00:05:50 -Any further insights? -I had an insight, Mr. Hall.
97 00:05:53 I'm all ears.
98 00:05:54 Okay. Like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones
99 00:05:58 is the way my kids are gonna feel about Nine Inch Nails,
100 00:06:01 so I really shouldn't torment my mom anymore, huh?
101 00:06:04 Yes. Well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti
102 00:06:08 but tolerance is always a good lesson.
103 00:06:11 -Thank you. -Even when it comes out of nowhere.
104 00:06:14 And with that in mind, I'm going to distribute your report cards.
105 00:06:18 Now, is there a Christian Stovitz in this class?
106 00:06:22 Mr. Hall, the buzz on Christian is that his parents have joint custody,
107 00:06:26 so he'll be spending one semester in Chicago and one semester here.
108 00:06:29 I think it is a travesty on the part of the legal profession.
109 00:06:33 Thank you for that perspective, Cher.
110 00:06:41 Now, could all conversations please come to a halt?
111 00:06:48 And could the suicide attempts
112 00:06:50 please be postponed till the next period?
113 00:06:55 Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period.
114 00:06:58 I got a C in Debate?
115 00:07:02 -De? -What's up?
116 00:07:03 -Did you get your report card? -Yeah. I'm toast. How did you do?
117 00:07:07 I totally choked. My father is gonna go ballistic on me.
118 00:07:10 Mr. Hall was way harsh.
119 00:07:13 He gave me a C-.
120 00:07:15 He gave me a C, which drags down my entire average.
121 00:07:19 -Bye. -I'll call you, okay?
122 00:07:20 Yeah.
123 00:07:21 Isn't my house classic?
124 00:07:24 The columns date all the way back to 1972.
125 00:07:28 Wasn't my mom a Betty? She died when I was just a baby,
126 00:07:31 a fluke accident during a routine liposuction.
127 00:07:34 I don't remember her, but I like to pretend she still watches over me.
128 00:07:38 Ma, 98 in Geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?
129 00:07:44 Yuck.
130 00:07:46 The maudlin music of the university station?
131 00:07:53 What is it about college and crybaby music?
132 00:07:58 Who's watching the galleria?
133 00:08:00 So, the flannel shirt deal,
134 00:08:02 is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather
135 00:08:04 or you trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?
136 00:08:07 Oh, my, you're filling out there.
137 00:08:10 Wow. Your face is catching up with your mouth.
138 00:08:12 -I went by Dad's office. -He is not your dad.
139 00:08:15 Why don't you torture a new family?
140 00:08:16 Just because my mother married someone else
141 00:08:18 doesn't mean he's my father.
142 00:08:20 Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means.
143 00:08:22 I hope you're not thinking of staying here.
144 00:08:24 -I sure want to. -I'm sure you do.
145 00:08:26 I got a place in Westwood near school.
146 00:08:29 Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast?
147 00:08:31 I hear girls at NYU aren't at all particular.
148 00:08:34 You're funny.
149 00:08:35 What's your problem, Beavis?
150 00:08:37 ...infantry furiously trading machine gun fire.
151 00:08:39 You just got here and already you're playing Couch Commando.
152 00:08:42 In some parts of the universe, maybe not in Contempo Casual
153 00:08:46 but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.
154 00:08:49 Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool.
155 00:08:53 Tell me that part about Kenny G again.
156 00:08:56 Come on, you chuckleheads, get in here.
157 00:09:01 Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.
158 00:09:04 I don't think so.
159 00:09:06 -Doesn't he look bigger? -His head does.
160 00:09:09 Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion
161 00:09:12 about corporate law?
162 00:09:13 Yeah, but I think I'd really like to check out environmental law.
163 00:09:16 What for? You want to have a miserable, frustrating life?
164 00:09:19 Josh will have that no matter what he does.
165 00:09:22 At least he knows what he wants to do
166 00:09:24 and he's in a good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.
167 00:09:28 -I have direction. -Yeah. Towards the mall.
168 00:09:31 Which reminds me, where's your report card?
169 00:09:33 -It's not ready yet. -What do you mean, it's not ready yet?
170 00:09:35 Well, some teachers were trying to lowball me, Daddy.
171 00:09:38 And I know how you say never accept a first offer,
172 00:09:41 so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.
173 00:09:45 Very good.
174 00:09:46 Whose is that?
175 00:09:48 De?
176 00:09:49 Hello? Yeah, Jake, what?
177 00:09:51 No, not the afternoon!
178 00:09:52 You are such a brownnoser.
179 00:09:54 And you are such a superficial space cadet.
180 00:09:57 What makes you think you'll get teachers to change your grades?
181 00:10:00 Only the fact that I've done it every other semester.
182 00:10:06 I told my P.E. teacher an evil male had broken my heart,
183 00:10:10 so she raised my C to a B.
184 00:10:12 -Miserable. -They're horrible.
185 00:10:13 -I can't eat, I can't sleep. -Don't feel bad. I know.
186 00:10:15 And you see, they're all like that.
187 00:10:18 Then I promised Miss Geist I'd start a letter-writing campaign
188 00:10:21 to my congressman about violations of the Clean Air Act.
189 00:10:26 But Mr. Hall was totally rigid.
190 00:10:28 He said my debates were unresearched
191 00:10:30 unstructured, and unconvincing.
192 00:10:33 As if!
193 00:10:37 I felt impotent and out of control, which I really hate.
194 00:10:41 I needed to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts
195 00:10:44 and regain my strength.
196 00:10:53 Dude, what's wrong?
197 00:10:54 Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or something?
198 00:10:56 God, no, nothing like that. It's just that
199 00:10:59 we've been shopping all day and I still don't know what to do about Mr. Hall.
200 00:11:03 I tried everything to convince him of my scholastic aptitude
201 00:11:06 but I was brutally rebuffed.
202 00:11:07 Get over it. He's a miserable little man who wants to make
203 00:11:10 everyone else miserable, too.
204 00:11:12 De, that's it.
205 00:11:14 We've got to figure out a way to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy.
206 00:11:19 Here's the 41 1 on Mr. Hall.
207 00:11:21 He's single, he's 47, and he earns minor ducats at a thankless job.
208 00:11:27 What that man needs is a good, healthy boink fest.
209 00:11:30 Unfortunately, there was a major babe drought in my school.
210 00:11:34 The evil trolls from the Math Department were actually married.
211 00:11:39 Snickers.
212 00:11:41 And in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers
213 00:11:44 Miss Stoeger seemed to be same-sex oriented.
214 00:11:48 Of course, there was always Miss Geist.
215 00:11:51 Something told me not to discount Miss Geist.
216 00:11:57 Sure, she has runs in her stockings and her slip is always showing
217 00:12:01 and she has more lipstick on her teeth than on her mouth.
218 00:12:04 Popular uprisings from Estates to the general assembly.
219 00:12:07 God, this woman is screaming for a makeover.
220 00:12:10 I'm her only hope.
221 00:12:14 "Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May
222 00:12:18 "But thy eternal summer shall not fade"
223 00:12:20 Phat! Did you write that?
224 00:12:22 -Duh! It's like a famous quote. -From where?
225 00:12:25 Cliffs Notes.
226 00:12:26 I know you're going to be doing better, Travis.
227 00:12:30 No, if you run along, I'll see you third period.
228 00:12:32 And we'll try to remember to bring our textbooks.
229 00:12:36 Okay.
230 00:13:00 My God, she actually looked happy!
231 00:13:02 Classic.
232 00:13:04 -Paroudasm Banafshein. -Here.
233 00:13:07 Sixteen tardies to work off.
234 00:13:13 Janet Hong, no tardies.
235 00:13:16 Travis Birkenstock, 38 tardies. By far the most tardies in the class.
236 00:13:21 Congratulations.
237 00:13:27 This is so unexpected, I didn't even have a speech prepared.
238 00:13:31 But I would like to say this:
239 00:13:33 Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own.
240 00:13:36 Many people contributed to my tardiness.
241 00:13:38 I'd like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school.
242 00:13:42 The LA City bus drivers for taking a chance on an unknown kid.
243 00:13:45 And last, but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonald's
244 00:13:48 for spending hours making those Egg McMuffins
245 00:13:51 without which I might never be tardy.
246 00:13:58 If Mr. Birkenstock has no political messages
247 00:14:01 to include in his speech, I'll go on.
248 00:14:03 Cher Horowitz, two tardies.
249 00:14:06 I object.
250 00:14:07 Do you recall the dates of these alleged tardies?
251 00:14:09 One was last Monday.
252 00:14:12 Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave.
253 00:14:14 I had to haul ass to the ladies'.
254 00:14:16 I assume you're referring to women's troubles and so I'll let that one slide.
255 00:14:21 Thank you, Mr. Hall. Miss Geist was right about you.
256 00:14:25 What do you mean?
257 00:14:26 She said that you were the only one in the school with any intelligence.
258 00:14:37 Cher, get in here.
259 00:14:40 Yes, Daddy?
260 00:14:42 Would you tell me what the hell this is?
261 00:14:44 A second notice for three outstanding tickets.
262 00:14:48 I don't remember getting a first notice.
263 00:14:50 The ticket is the first notice.
264 00:14:52 I didn't even know you can get tickets without a license.
265 00:14:54 Sure you can. You can get tickets anytime.
266 00:14:56 Is that so? Not around here, you can't.
267 00:14:58 From this moment on, you will not drive, sit,
268 00:15:02 do anything in that jeep without a supervised driver present.
269 00:15:05 No cruising around with Dionne, all right?
270 00:15:07 Two permits do not equal a license. Do I make myself clear?
271 00:15:11 Yes, Daddy.
272 00:15:12 I expect you to become a good driver. I wanna see you apply yourself.
273 00:15:16 -I will. I'm gonna practice real hard. -Okay.
274 00:15:22 A licensed driver with nothing to do? Where would I find such a loser?
275 00:15:27 Granola breath, you got something on your chin.
276 00:15:30 -I'm growing a goatee. -That's good.
277 00:15:32 You don't wanna be the last one at the coffee house without chin pubes.
278 00:15:35 I can't tell you how much I enjoy these little chats of ours
279 00:15:38 but in the interest of saving time, why don't you tell me what you want?
280 00:15:42 Okay.
281 00:15:44 So, actually
282 00:15:46 I have a permit and I can drive and all
283 00:15:48 but Daddy says I can't take the jeep out without a licensed driver.
284 00:15:52 And since you're not doing anything and all...
285 00:15:54 What are the chances of you shutting up till you get your way?
286 00:15:57 Slim to none. Come on!
287 00:16:01 James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.
288 00:16:05 I am. You try driving in platforms.
289 00:16:08 I got to get back to school. Wanna practice parking?
290 00:16:12 What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet.
291 00:16:15 What class are you going to?
292 00:16:17 Actually, I'm going to a tree people meeting.
293 00:16:20 We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
294 00:16:23 How fabulous.
295 00:16:24 Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants-dropping schedule
296 00:16:28 to plant trees?
297 00:16:30 Josh, why don't you just hire a gardener?
298 00:16:32 Well, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause.
299 00:16:36 Make a contribution.
300 00:16:38 In case you've never heard of that, a contribution is the giving of...
301 00:16:41 Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy.
302 00:16:44 ...time and funds.
303 00:16:46 And, as soon as I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals.
304 00:16:49 And I've contributed many hours helping two lonely teachers find romance.
305 00:16:54 Which, I'll bet, serves your interests more than theirs.
306 00:16:57 If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't 90% selfish, I'd die of shock.
307 00:17:02 That'd be reason enough for me.
308 00:17:09 -Would you call me selfish? -No, not to your face.
309 00:17:12 Really?
310 00:17:14 Is Josh giving you shit 'cause he's going through
311 00:17:16 his post-adolescent idealistic phase?
312 00:17:18 Look, there's Mr. Hall.
313 00:17:20 Mr. Hall.
314 00:17:22 Do you drink coffee?
315 00:17:24 Not from this cafeteria.
316 00:17:26 But, yes, under normal circumstances.
317 00:17:28 I am such a retard. When I was packing Daddy's lunch this morning
318 00:17:32 I gave him my lemon Snapple and I took his sucky Italian roast.
319 00:17:36 Do you want it?
320 00:17:38 -Are you sure you don't want it? -It might stunt my growth.
321 00:17:41 And I wanna be 5'10" like Cindy Crawford.
322 00:17:43 I thought maybe you or Miss Geist might like it.
323 00:17:46 Maybe you could share it.
324 00:17:50 -Thanks. -Sure.
325 00:17:55 -Miss Geist. -Hi, girls.
326 00:17:57 Did you sign up for the environmental fair?
327 00:17:58 Yeah, we will.
328 00:17:59 You have such pretty eyes. Don't hide them.
329 00:18:01 -These clips are so cute. -This top is so '80s.
330 00:18:04 And this tiny little waist.
331 00:18:07 You girls are sweet.
332 00:18:11 Don't forget to sign up for the environmental fair.
333 00:18:14 Not a total Betty, but a vast improvement.
334 00:18:16 We did our best.
335 00:18:18 We gotta book if we're gonna make it to P.E.
336 00:18:21 Come on, De.
337 00:18:22 I feel like bailing, dude. Come on.
338 00:18:24 I know what you mean, but at least it's exercise. I feel like such a heifer.
339 00:18:28 I had two bowls of Special K, three pieces of turkey bacon,
340 00:18:31 a handful of popcorn, five peanut butter M&M's
341 00:18:34 -and like three pieces of licorice. -My God. Look.
342 00:18:38 Is that a photo op or what?
343 00:18:42 Would you look at that body language?
344 00:18:44 Legs crossed toward each other. That's an unequivocal sex invite.
345 00:18:52 -Cher, he's getting her digits. -Look at Geist. She's so cute.
346 00:18:58 Old people can be so sweet.
347 00:19:43 The entire student body was utterly grateful for the improvement
348 00:19:47 in their grades.
349 00:20:05 -Cher, what's this all about? -My report card.
350 00:20:09 The same semester?
351 00:20:11 What'd you do, turn in some extra-credit reports?
352 00:20:13 No.
353 00:20:15 Did you take the midterms over?
354 00:20:19 You mean to tell me that you argued your way
355 00:20:22 from a C+ to an A-?
356 00:20:25 Totally based on my powers of persuasion. Are you proud?
357 00:20:28 Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.
358 00:20:34 -Fabulous. -Thank you.
359 00:20:39 I felt so satisfied, I wanted to do more good deeds.
360 00:20:45 De, when your allergies act up, take out your nose ring.
361 00:20:49 Follow through. There you go.
362 00:20:53 All right, Cher.
363 00:20:55 Earth to Cher! Come in, Cher!
364 00:21:01 Miss Stoeger.
365 00:21:03 I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace.
366 00:21:08 I mean, standing in line for 40 minutes is hardly aerobically effective.
367 00:21:13 I doubt I worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.
368 00:21:19 Well, you certainly exercised your mouth, Cher. Now hit the ball.
369 00:21:24 Miss Stoeger, that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen!
370 00:21:28 Thanks for the legal advice.
371 00:21:31 Dionne, you're up.
372 00:21:32 Miss Stoeger, I have a note from my tennis instructor
373 00:21:35 and he would prefer it if I didn't expose myself to any training
374 00:21:38 that might derail his teachings.
375 00:21:40 Fine. Amber?
376 00:21:42 Miss Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing
377 00:21:45 any activity where balls fly at my nose.
378 00:21:49 Well, there goes your social life.
379 00:21:52 Miss Stoeger.
380 00:21:54 Got another one.
381 00:21:56 Ladies, we have a new student with us. This is Tai Fraiser.
382 00:22:03 Tai, you don't have time to change, but you can hit a few balls in those clothes.
383 00:22:07 She could be a farmer in those clothes.
384 00:22:11 -All right, Amber, that's enough. -De, my mission is clear.
385 00:22:14 Would you look at that girl? She is so adorably clueless.
386 00:22:18 -We've got to adopt her. -Cher, she is tore up.
387 00:22:21 Our stock would plummet.
388 00:22:23 De, don't you want to use your popularity for a good cause?
389 00:22:27 -No. -Come here.
390 00:22:28 Yeah, come here.
391 00:22:30 -Hang with us. -Thank you.
392 00:22:33 -How do you like California? -Man, I'm freaking.
393 00:22:36 I could really use some sort of an herbal refreshment.
394 00:22:40 We do lunch in 1 0 minutes. We don't have any tea
395 00:22:43 -but we have Coke and stuff. -No shit! You guys got coke here?
396 00:22:46 -Yeah. -Yeah, this is America.
397 00:22:50 So we decided to show Tai the ropes at Bronson Alcott High School.
398 00:22:55 That is Alana's group over there. They do the TV station.
399 00:22:58 They think that's the most important thing on earth.
400 00:23:00 And that's the Persian Mafia.
401 00:23:02 You can't hang with them unless you own a BMW.
402 00:23:05 And there's Elton in the white vest.
403 00:23:07 And all the most popular boys in the school.
404 00:23:10 -Including my boyfriend. Ain't he cute? -Yeah.
405 00:23:12 If you make the decision to date a high-school boy
406 00:23:15 they're the only acceptable ones.
407 00:23:16 Cher, which one of them's your boyfriend?
408 00:23:18 As if!
409 00:23:19 Cher's got attitude about high-school boys.
410 00:23:22 It's a personal choice every woman has got to make for herself.
411 00:23:25 Woman, lend me $5.
412 00:23:27 Murray, I've asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman."
413 00:23:31 -Excuse me, Miss Dionne. -Thank you.
414 00:23:33 Street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression.
415 00:23:35 Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking
416 00:23:38 but not necessarily misogynistic undertones.
417 00:23:43 You guys talk like grownups.
418 00:23:45 Well, this is a really good school.
419 00:23:48 I'm gonna go get a soda. You guys want?
420 00:23:50 -Yeah, sure. -All right.
421 00:23:52 She's nice.
422 00:23:54 Project.
423 00:24:05 That's disgusting.
424 00:24:08 That's nice representation there.
425 00:24:10 Thanks. Those are really nice stickers.
426 00:24:13 You like them? I was thinking it was too cluttered.
427 00:24:16 I wanna wipe all this out and concentrate
428 00:24:18 on one main decorative statement, like Marvin the Martian right there.
429 00:24:22 Get out of town! I can do Marvin the Martian.
430 00:24:24 Really?
431 00:24:26 I mean, there's not really a lot to him, but
432 00:24:28 -you wanna see? -Yeah.
433 00:24:30 Here.
434 00:24:31 -Wow. That's really cool. -Thanks.
435 00:24:34 -You drew that? -Yeah. And wait, I got
436 00:24:38 -one here. -You didn't trace this?
437 00:24:41 No. Here's another one over here.
438 00:24:45 And lots of little guys.
439 00:24:48 -That is so cute. -I love to draw.
440 00:24:50 You're really good at it.
441 00:24:51 -No. -No, really, you are.
442 00:24:53 -No. -Yeah.
443 00:24:56 -Are you sure that's fat-free? -Yes.
444 00:24:58 And you lose weight by doing it like this, cutting it really small.
445 00:25:03 -I met a really cool guy. -Describe.
446 00:25:06 All right, he's got long hair, he's really funny.
447 00:25:08 Straight off, right, he offers me some smoke.
448 00:25:12 There he is.
449 00:25:14 -Are you talking about drugs? -Yeah.
450 00:25:19 -Tai, how old are you? -I'll be 1 6 in May.
451 00:25:22 My birthday's in April, and as someone older
452 00:25:25 can I please give you some advice?
453 00:25:27 It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties
454 00:25:30 but it is quite another to be fried all day.
455 00:25:32 Do you see the distinction?
456 00:25:35 -Yeah. -Loadies generally hang
457 00:25:37 on the grassy knoll over there.
458 00:25:38 Sometimes they come to class and say bonehead things
459 00:25:41 and we all laugh, of course
460 00:25:42 but no respectable girl actually dates them.
461 00:25:46 You don't wanna start off on the wrong foot now, do you?
462 00:25:49 I've got an idea.
463 00:25:51 Let's do a makeover.
464 00:25:54 No.
465 00:25:56 Come on, let us. Cher's main thrill in life is a makeover, okay?
466 00:26:00 It gives her a sense of control in a world full of chaos.
467 00:26:03 Please?
468 00:26:05 Sure. Why not?
469 00:26:08 Shit, you guys. I've never had straight friends before.
470 00:27:03 Now squeeze your buttocks when you come up.
471 00:27:06 -Squeeze here. -Cher.
472 00:27:07 I don't wanna do this anymore.
473 00:27:09 And my buns, they don't feel nothing like steel.
474 00:27:13 Okay, it will get easier, I promise.
475 00:27:15 Just as long as we do it every day, not just sporadically.
476 00:27:18 How do you know if you're doing it sporadically?
477 00:27:21 That's another thing, Tai. We've got to work on your accent and vocabulary.
478 00:27:25 See, "sporadic" means once in a while. Try and use it in a sentence today.
479 00:27:29 -All right. -Okay, from now on
480 00:27:31 we're alternating Cindy Crawford's Aerobicize and Buns of Steel
481 00:27:34 and reading one non-school book a week.
482 00:27:36 My first book is Fit or Fat.
483 00:27:39 Mine is, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
484 00:27:43 Good. That takes care of our minds and bodies.
485 00:27:47 But we should do something good for mankind or the planet
486 00:27:50 for a couple of hours.
487 00:27:51 Hey, brainiac.
488 00:27:53 The dreaded ex. Tai, this is Josh.
489 00:27:56 Nice to meet you.
490 00:27:58 You know about this stuff.
491 00:28:00 I wanna do something good for humanity.
492 00:28:02 How about sterilization?
493 00:28:09 -What do you think? -I'm amazed.
494 00:28:11 That I am devoting myself so generously to someone else?
495 00:28:14 No.
496 00:28:15 That you found someone even more clueless than you are to worship you.
497 00:28:18 I am rescuing her from teenage hell. Do you know the wounds
498 00:28:21 of adolescence could take years to heal?
499 00:28:23 And you've never had a mother, so you're acting out on that poor girl
500 00:28:27 like she was your Barbie doll.
501 00:28:28 Freshman psych rears its ugly head.
502 00:28:31 -I am not taking psych. -Whatever.
503 00:28:33 I'm going to take that lost soul in there and make her well-dressed and popular.
504 00:28:37 Her life will be better because of me. How many girls can say that about you?
505 00:28:43 Mentos better, Mentos fresher
506 00:28:47 Fresh goes better with Mentos fresh and full of life
507 00:28:51 Mentos.
508 00:28:52 The freshmaker.
509 00:28:53 -Be seeing you. -Yeah, I hope not sporadically.
510 00:29:03 My God, do you see how boys are responding?
511 00:29:06 -My heart is totally bursting. -I know. I'm knelling.
512 00:29:10 -Cher, you have Diemer, right? -Geist.
513 00:29:12 Tai, did you get a flyer?
514 00:29:15 Thanks.
515 00:29:16 A party.
516 00:29:17 It's in the Valley. The cops usually break them up in less than an hour.
517 00:29:21 -It takes that long to get there. -Besides, it's just local loadies.
518 00:29:24 Do you guys think that Travis is gonna be there?
519 00:29:26 -Tai, I thought we moved on from there. -Don't sell yourself short now.
520 00:29:30 You've got something going that no one in this school has.
521 00:29:33 I'm not a virgin.
522 00:29:34 I mean mystery. As far as everyone's concerned
523 00:29:36 you were the most popular girl in your school.
524 00:29:38 And the fact that you hang with De and l, well...
525 00:29:40 Speaks very highly of you.
526 00:29:42 If you strike while the iron is hot, you can have any guy that you want.
527 00:29:46 -Yeah. -Like who?
528 00:29:48 Let's see, who's available? There's Bronson, Brandon. I got it!
529 00:29:52 -Elton. He just broke up with Valette. -Yes!
530 00:29:54 Who's Elton?
531 00:29:55 My God, he's way popular. He's like the social director of the crew.
532 00:29:59 And his dad can get you into any concert.
533 00:30:01 And I noticed him scoping you out.
534 00:30:03 -He was looking at me? -Says you gave him a toothache.
535 00:30:06 How'd I do that?
536 00:30:07 It's an expression. It means he thought you were sweet.
537 00:30:10 Yeah?
538 00:30:14 -Is that true? -No.
539 00:30:16 You are so bad.
540 00:30:24 Okay, you guys, let's all get together. That is great.
541 00:30:29 Smile.
542 00:30:38 Tai, get a little closer.
543 00:30:44 Closer, Tai.
544 00:30:48 Elton, why don't you put your arm around Tai?
545 00:30:53 All right.
546 00:30:54 Yeah, that's good.
547 00:30:57 Okay.
548 00:30:59 Okay. Tai, come here.
549 00:31:04 -Hold that. -Okay.
550 00:31:12 Cool picture.
551 00:31:14 -Doesn't she look classic? -Yeah, she's beautiful.
552 00:31:16 She looks like one of those Botticelli chicks.
553 00:31:19 Why don't you make me a copy of this, okay?
554 00:31:23 Sure.
555 00:31:26 -Hi, Daddy, this is my friend Tai. -Get out of my chair.
556 00:31:32 Thank you, Lucy. It looks great.
557 00:31:35 What is this crap?
558 00:31:36 Daddy, it's from the Cut Your Cholesterol cookbook.
559 00:31:39 Dr. Lovett says you've got to get down to 200.
560 00:31:42 -No calls tonight. -But it's Dionne.
561 00:31:44 -I'm sorry. -It might be important.
562 00:31:45 We're gonna have a nice family dinner.
563 00:31:49 So, what did you do in school today?
564 00:31:52 Well, I broke in my purple clogs.
565 00:31:58 Yeah, hello?
566 00:32:00 Jake. Yeah. No.
567 00:32:01 De, what up?
568 00:32:02 So check it. Murray's Geometry class is right by Elton's locker
569 00:32:06 and taped up inside was the picture you took of Tai.
570 00:32:09 -My God! -What?
571 00:32:11 Elton's got a picture of you hanging up in his locker.
572 00:32:13 Oh, no shit!
573 00:32:15 Hello!
574 00:32:16 So anyway, the whole crew is going to this party in the Valley.
575 00:32:20 Bye.
576 00:32:21 Looks like we're gonna have to make a cameo at the Val party.
577 00:32:24 I told you I wanted it in the morning! No!
578 00:32:27 Just look at the top of the map. Sun Valley is north.
579 00:32:30 No. All I see is Bel Air, okay? That's it.
580 00:32:32 -Then you're on the wrong map. -I'm not on the wrong map.
581 00:32:35 Look at the number on the top.
582 00:32:36 There are no numbers on the top. There's letters.
583 00:32:40 -Murray, shut up. -Do you think it's gonna frizz out?
584 00:32:43 Listen, Tai, when we get there, make sure Elton sees you
585 00:32:46 but don't say hi first.
586 00:32:47 Look like you're having fun and you're really popular.
587 00:32:50 Talk to someone in his eye line, preferably a guy.
588 00:32:53 Make him come to you.
589 00:32:54 And find an excuse to leave while he's still into the conversation.
590 00:32:57 The key is always have him wanting more. You got it?
591 00:33:00 -I got it. -Okay.
592 00:33:01 Heads up!
593 00:33:02 Did you just see that?
594 00:33:04 God, skateboards. That is like so five years ago.
595 00:33:07 You guys came. That's great. You want a beer? I'll get you one.
596 00:33:10 All right.
597 00:33:13 Yeah. This shit is whack.
598 00:33:16 This is raging.
599 00:33:18 Let's do a lap before we commit to a location.
600 00:33:25 Who was that?
601 00:33:27 Cher, ain't that the same dress that you were wearing yesterday?
602 00:33:32 Say, Ambular.
603 00:33:35 Hi!
604 00:33:36 Was that you going through my laundry?
605 00:33:38 As if.
606 00:33:39 Like I would really wear something from Judy's.
607 00:33:43 Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensemble-y challenged?"
608 00:33:47 A clone.
609 00:33:48 Cher, you look much better in that dress than she did.
610 00:33:53 Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?
611 00:33:56 I'm sorry.
612 00:33:57 Excuse me, my shoe.
613 00:34:02 This is so not fixable.
614 00:34:04 It's a small price to pay to the party gods. Look, I'll make amends.
615 00:34:08 How about some chronic shit?
616 00:34:10 -It's the least you can do. -Okay.
617 00:34:13 Spark it.
618 00:34:18 Elton is over there.
619 00:34:19 Act like Travis is saying something funny.
620 00:34:22 Sorry.
621 00:34:32 -What's so funny? -Nothing.
622 00:34:39 -Here. -Hey, everyone.
623 00:34:41 Let's play Suck and Blow.
624 00:34:54 God, Elton, can't you suck?
625 00:34:57 It's De. Come on.
626 00:35:01 What have you done?
627 00:35:03 My God.
628 00:35:06 -Why did you do this to your head? -'Cause I'm keeping it real.
629 00:35:09 What? Look what he's done to his head.
630 00:35:12 -Can you believe this? -Look at Lawrence's head.
631 00:35:14 -It's the bomb. -Know what I'm saying? You look good!
632 00:35:17 As will you.
633 00:35:18 What do you care what he thinks? I'm the one that has to look at you!
634 00:35:22 That was a big mistake! What am I gonna do with you now?
635 00:35:25 And right before the yearbook pictures. What am I gonna tell my grandchildren?
636 00:35:29 You know what? Okay. That's it. You wanna play games?
637 00:35:32 -I'm calling your mother. -No, wait, hold on. No.
638 00:35:35 -Wait, don't call my mom. -Come on. Chill, man. Chill!
639 00:35:38 Don't call my mom!
640 00:35:39 The same thing happened at the spring dance.
641 00:35:41 She spent the entire after-party in the bathroom.
642 00:35:43 That almost destroyed my buzz.
643 00:35:46 I'm still baked.
644 00:35:56 What do you say we go bump into people?
645 00:35:58 Yeah, I'm cool with that.
646 00:36:03 Tai, wait up.
647 00:36:08 -Are you okay? -Yeah.
648 00:36:09 Where's your sense of pit hospitality?
649 00:36:13 That was so cool the way you did that. I wish I could do it.
650 00:36:17 -No, don't. -Why not?
651 00:36:19 'Cause if girls did it, what would guys do to impress them?
652 00:36:23 I don't know, like, stuff.
653 00:36:27 -You know? -What kind of stuff?
654 00:36:34 -Tai, I need you. -Okay.
655 00:36:37 Elton's over there.
656 00:37:04 Tai. Elton, help me!
657 00:37:12 -You guys should use ice. -No, Travis, we've got it under control.
658 00:37:16 Tai, are you okay?
659 00:37:17 Travis, Tai would have wanted you to enjoy the party.
660 00:37:23 If it's a concussion, you have to keep her conscious, okay? Ask her questions.
661 00:37:27 -What's seven times seven? -Stuff she knows.
662 00:37:37 -That's some bump you've got there. -Yeah.
663 00:37:40 -You ready to go back out there? -Yeah, I am.
664 00:37:43 All right. You sure? Can you do this?
665 00:37:45 Rolling with the homies
666 00:37:49 Yeah, let's do it. You're ready.
667 00:37:54 I had to give myself snaps for all the good deeds I was doing.
668 00:37:58 It was so great. Love was everywhere.
669 00:38:01 Even though I was alone, I was really happy for Tai.
670 00:38:05 It's like that book I read in ninth grade that said,
671 00:38:08 "'Tis a far, far better thing doing stuff for other people."
672 00:38:15 -Hello? -Do you know what time it is?
673 00:38:18 A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, Daddy.
674 00:38:20 Where are you?
675 00:38:21 I'm just having a snack with my girlfriends.
676 00:38:24 -Where, in Kuwait? -Is that in the Valley?
677 00:38:26 Cher, I expect you to walk in this door in 20 minutes.
678 00:38:30 Well, it might take longer than that, Dad.
679 00:38:33 Everywhere in LA takes 20 minutes.
680 00:38:39 Sorry to make you leave.
681 00:38:41 Dionne's bucking for Best Dramatic Actress at a Val Party.
682 00:38:46 Hey, Summer.
683 00:38:47 Hi. Pretty random fiesta. Do you need a ride home?
684 00:38:51 -That'd be great. Thanks. -No, I got her.
685 00:38:52 I'm right below Wilshire and Linden, so...
686 00:38:54 That's right near me. I'm above Olympic.
687 00:38:57 Great. Then, Tai, you'll go with Summer and, Cher, you'll come with me.
688 00:39:00 Actually, you could take Wilshire to Canon and that turns into Benedict.
689 00:39:05 Well, then she'd have to go back south and I'm already going north.
690 00:39:09 But you could take Tai on your way up to Sunset.
691 00:39:13 -Yeah. -That doesn't make any sense.
692 00:39:17 I'd have to get off the freeway. I hate that. Tai, go with Summer.
693 00:39:20 Cher, you'll come with me. Watch your feet.
694 00:39:34 Didn't Tai look cute tonight?
695 00:39:36 Turn away
696 00:39:45 I really love her hair when it's all wild, you know.
697 00:39:50 It's also very pretty when it's all up with that curly tendrils
698 00:39:54 like in that picture I took.
699 00:39:56 You know, you're one of my best friends.
700 00:39:58 And I do not have friends that are girls.
701 00:40:03 Well, I'm glad because your happiness means a lot to me.
702 00:40:06 It does?
703 00:40:08 Sure. I saw how hard your breakup with Valette was.
704 00:40:12 Yeah. I think we both know what it feels like to be lonely.
705 00:40:19 Whatever. The thing is I'd really like to see you settled already.
706 00:40:26 Where are we going?
707 00:40:31 I knew it.
708 00:40:36 You knew what?
709 00:40:38 -That you were totally sprung on me. -Hello! Don't you mean Tai?
710 00:40:42 -Tai? -You have her picture in your locker.
711 00:40:44 I have the picture you took in my locker.
712 00:40:47 I'm having a Twin Peaks experience.
713 00:40:51 -I knew it. I knew when you kissed me. -Suck and Blow is a game, Elton.
714 00:40:55 No, it's not.
715 00:40:56 Stop it.
716 00:41:01 Fine. You know, I don't get you, Cher. I mean, you flirt with me all year.
717 00:41:05 As if.
718 00:41:07 I have been trying to get you together with Tai.
719 00:41:10 Tai? Why would I go with Tai?
720 00:41:12 -Why not? -Why not? Why not?
721 00:41:16 Don't you even know who my father is?
722 00:41:19 You are a snob and a half.
723 00:41:22 Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai.
724 00:41:26 We don't make any sense. Right?
725 00:41:29 Me and you.
726 00:41:32 Well, I mean, that makes sense.
727 00:41:38 -Cut it out! -Come on, Cher.
728 00:41:40 Stop it!
729 00:41:44 Cher. Where you going?
730 00:41:47 You're only hurting yourself here, baby. Come on.
731 00:41:50 You gonna walk home? Get back in the car, please.
732 00:41:53 Get back in the car.
733 00:41:54 Leave me alone.
734 00:41:56 Fine.
735 00:41:58 Where are you going?
736 00:42:03 Shit.
737 00:42:07 Valley Information.
738 00:42:08 Do you have the number of a cab company?
739 00:42:10 Which one?
740 00:42:11 I don't know which one. What do you have out here?
741 00:42:14 -We have Valley Cab. -Hand it over.
742 00:42:16 Give me the phone. Okay.
743 00:42:20 Your bag, too. Come on!
744 00:42:23 All right. Now, get down on the ground. Face down.
745 00:42:28 -Come on! -Oh, no. You don't understand.
746 00:42:31 This is an Alaia.
747 00:42:33 An A-what?
748 00:42:34 It's like a totally important designer.
749 00:42:38 And I will totally shoot you in the head.
750 00:42:41 Get down.
751 00:42:43 That's good. That's good right there. All right.
752 00:42:47 Count to 1 00. Thank you.
753 00:42:50 One, two...
754 00:42:55 The evening had turned into a royal mess.
755 00:42:58 Sexually harassed. Robbed.
756 00:43:01 I didn't know the number of the party, so I couldn't call Dionne.
757 00:43:04 And Daddy would kill me if he knew where I was.
758 00:43:07 There was just one person left to call
759 00:43:09 and I really, really didn't want to call him.
760 00:43:13 Come on.
761 00:43:17 -Hello? -Josh, you busy?
762 00:43:19 -Who is it? -It's Mel's daughter.
763 00:43:21 So, okay, I was at this party and my designated driver
764 00:43:24 tried to attack me, so I got out so he'd stop.
765 00:43:26 But then he drove off and deserted me.
766 00:43:29 And then this guy with a gun held me up, took my money
767 00:43:32 and my phone and he yelled at me and he forced me to ruin my dress.
768 00:43:37 Okay. Look, where are you?
769 00:43:42 Sun Valley.
770 00:43:44 Man, you owe me.
771 00:43:47 Look, the man is ridiculous. He doesn't have one unique thought
772 00:43:50 in his little, puny brain.
773 00:43:52 I think that there's some merit in learning forms straight off.
774 00:43:55 Josh, please. He's taken our minds at their most fecund point.
775 00:43:59 -What? -And restrained them before they've
776 00:44:01 wandered through the garden of ideas.
777 00:44:04 It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self be true."
778 00:44:08 No, Hamlet didn't say that.
779 00:44:11 I think that I remember Hamlet accurately.
780 00:44:14 I remember Mel Gibson accurately and he didn't say that.
781 00:44:19 That Polonius guy did.
782 00:44:36 I'm gonna walk Heather to her door. Try and stay out of trouble.
783 00:44:56 My life is turning into a bigger disaster than Malibu.
784 00:44:59 I didn't know what I was going to say to Tai.
785 00:45:02 I felt really nervous.
786 00:45:04 And even Fabianne, my masseuse, said I had a lot of tension in my back.
787 00:45:11 It's my hips, isn't it?
788 00:45:13 -No, of course not. -Yes.
789 00:45:15 Don't be stupid. You could do so much better.
790 00:45:17 -He thinks he's all that, Tai. -Yeah, God's gift.
791 00:45:20 You're too good for him.
792 00:45:21 If I'm too good for him, then how come I'm not with him?
793 00:45:26 I have got an idea. Let's blow off seventh and eighth
794 00:45:29 go to the mall, have a calorie fest, and see the new Christian Slater.
795 00:45:33 Yes!
796 00:45:35 You guys.
797 00:45:43 Look at him.
798 00:45:45 Baby!
799 00:45:46 Break me off a piece of that.
800 00:45:50 -Survey says? -Doable.
801 00:45:53 Puny. I like them big.
802 00:45:55 I hate muscles.
803 00:45:57 You know what, I don't really care either way.
804 00:46:00 Just as long as his you-know-what isn't crooked. I really hate that.
805 00:46:05 What?
806 00:46:06 -Don't scare her. -Why, what's wrong?
807 00:46:09 Cher's saving herself for Luke Perry.
808 00:46:12 Cher, you're a virgin?
809 00:46:14 God, you say that like it's a bad thing.
810 00:46:16 Besides, the P.C. term is "hymenally challenged."
811 00:46:21 I am just not interested in doing it until I find the right person.
812 00:46:25 You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.
813 00:46:28 Yeah.
814 00:46:29 -God, you're one to talk, De. -Wait a minute here. Wait.
815 00:46:33 I thought that, like, you and Murray were...
816 00:46:36 My man is satisfied. He's got no cause for complaints.
817 00:46:39 But technically, I am a virgin. You know what I mean.
818 00:46:46 Oh, God.
819 00:46:48 -What's wrong, Tai? -They're playing our song.
820 00:46:52 You know, the one that Elton and I danced to.
821 00:46:56 Rolling with the homies
822 00:46:59 -Tai. Don't cry. -I'm sorry.
823 00:47:04 Oh, God.
824 00:47:06 Stop!
825 00:47:08 I could tell Tai's grieving period would be considerable
826 00:47:12 unless I found someone to take Elton's place right away.
827 00:47:21 So, okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all
828 00:47:25 but I don't get how guys dress today.
829 00:47:27 I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed
830 00:47:30 and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair
831 00:47:33 and cover it up with a backwards cap and, like, we're expected to swoon?
832 00:47:38 I don't think so.
833 00:47:43 Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning
834 00:47:48 in a Pauly Shore movie.
835 00:48:16 So this must be the elusive Christian.
836 00:48:19 -Where should I park? -There's one, third back.
837 00:48:25 Okay. Now I know I said I'd find a guy for Tai
838 00:48:30 but I suppose there's no harm in finding one for myself also.
839 00:48:44 Nice stems.
840 00:48:45 Thanks.
841 00:48:48 -Cher? -Present.
842 00:48:50 I guess we established that during attendance.
843 00:48:53 -It's time for your oral. -Excuse me?
844 00:48:56 Your original oral. The topic is violence in the media.
845 00:49:04 So, okay.
846 00:49:05 The Attorney General says
847 00:49:07 there's too much violence on TV and that should stop.
848 00:49:10 But even if you took out all the violent shows, you could still see the news.
849 00:49:14 Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news
850 00:49:19 there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.
851 00:49:24 Thank you.
852 00:49:32 Any comments? Elton?
853 00:49:34 My foot hurts. Can I go to the nurse?
854 00:49:37 Travis?
855 00:49:38 Two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Fine holiday fun.
856 00:49:43 Hello! Was I the only one listening?
857 00:49:46 I mean, I thought it reeked.
858 00:49:49 I believe that was your designer imposter perfume.
859 00:49:56 I dug it.
860 00:50:07 During the next few days, I did what any normal girl would do...
861 00:50:11 I sent myself love letters
862 00:50:14 and flowers and candy...
863 00:50:16 just so he'd see how desired I was, in case he didn't already know.
864 00:50:29 Christian.
865 00:50:30 And anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.
866 00:50:36 Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin.
867 00:50:39 This reminds guys of being naked, and then they think of sex.
868 00:50:46 -Hey, duchess? -Yes?
869 00:50:49 You rationed this weekend?
870 00:50:51 Like Saturday.
871 00:50:52 I'm new, but I thought maybe you had an in on the heavy clambakes.
872 00:50:58 My ex-stepbrother's friends are having a party.
873 00:51:02 Solid.
874 00:51:05 Suddenly Daddy had a case that had to be solved right away
875 00:51:09 so some clerks and Josh came to help him go through a gazillion depositions.
876 00:51:15 -Daddy! -What?
877 00:51:17 I can't just open it, I have to make him wait a while!
878 00:51:21 Then he can wait outside.
879 00:51:22 Josh, please?
880 00:51:25 Come on, Josh!
881 00:51:28 Come on!
882 00:51:39 What do you hear?
883 00:51:42 She's not ready.
884 00:51:49 Hey, man.
885 00:51:52 Nice pile of bricks you got here.
886 00:51:54 -You drink? -No, thanks. I'm cool.
887 00:51:57 I'm not offering. I'm asking you if you drink.
888 00:51:59 You think I'd give alcohol to teenage drivers taking my daughter out?
889 00:52:03 Hey, man, the protective vibe, I dig.
890 00:52:05 What's with you, kid?
891 00:52:06 You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the rat pack?
892 00:52:18 Christian.
893 00:52:21 Doll face.
894 00:52:22 Handsome.
895 00:52:25 Stunning.
896 00:52:27 You're not letting her go out like that, are you?
897 00:52:30 -Cher, get in here. -What's up, Daddy?
898 00:52:32 -What the hell is that? -A dress.
899 00:52:34 -Says who? -Calvin Klein.
900 00:52:36 It looks like underwear! Go upstairs and put something over it!
901 00:52:40 I was just going to.
902 00:52:43 Hey, you!
903 00:52:45 Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel.
904 00:52:49 I doubt anybody would miss you.
905 00:52:52 Bye, Daddy.
906 00:52:54 Come on.
907 00:53:03 -It's so killer. -Thank you.
908 00:53:07 -Your dad is pretty scary. -Isn't he?
909 00:53:13 -You like Billie Holiday? -I love him.
910 00:53:16 Right.
911 00:53:26 -I didn't like him. -What's to like?
912 00:53:28 -Maybe I should go to the party. -If you feel like you should go.
913 00:53:32 -You don't need me, do you? -No.
914 00:53:34 -I mean, unless you want me to stay... -Josh, go to the party. Go.
915 00:53:38 Okay.
916 00:53:42 -I'll watch her for you. -Okay.
917 00:53:44 You do that.
918 00:54:46 Tai!
919 00:54:49 Oh, my God!
920 00:54:51 Tai, are you okay?
921 00:54:53 God, shit, that is so embarrassing.
922 00:54:55 No, no one saw.
923 00:54:56 Good. Now all night long I'll be known as "that girl who fell on her butt."
924 00:54:59 Tai, no one noticed.
925 00:55:01 Wow, are you okay? That looked really bad.
926 00:55:03 Yeah, thanks.
927 00:55:06 Oh, my God, Cher, look.
928 00:55:08 He's going with Amber?
929 00:55:11 No, he's probably just dancing with her.
930 00:55:18 -Do you think she's pretty? -She's a full-on Monet.
931 00:55:22 -What's a Monet? -It's like the paintings, see?
932 00:55:24 From far away it's okay, but up close it's a big old mess.
933 00:55:27 Let's ask a guy.
934 00:55:28 Christian, what do you think of Amber?
935 00:55:31 -Hagsville. -See?
936 00:55:33 Dig this, they're charging for brewskies.
937 00:55:37 -Pass me a fin, I'll pay you back? -Sure.
938 00:55:45 Thanks.
939 00:55:47 Oh, he is so cute.
940 00:55:49 Oh, my God, do you see how he's falling in love with me?
941 00:55:55 Excuse me.
942 00:55:58 I mean, look how he ignores every other girl.
943 00:56:00 What's it all about? What am I gonna do with that?
944 00:56:04 I wouldn't know.
945 00:56:07 Oh, God, look. There's Josh.
946 00:56:10 I didn't even see him come in. But it's like he finds the only adult in here.
947 00:56:14 Like he's deliberately trying to not have fun.
948 00:56:17 Cher, I have a question.
949 00:56:18 What should I do with this, should I tie it around
950 00:56:21 -or put it over my shoulders? -Tie it around your waist.
951 00:56:23 -Ready to slide? -Thanks.
952 00:56:25 Let's go.
953 00:56:52 The band was kicking and Christian was the hottest guy there.
954 00:56:56 But my enjoyment was put on pause when I saw how unhappy Tai was.
955 00:57:09 -Hi. -Hi.
956 00:57:11 When I see a beautiful girl, I think we were born to move.
957 00:57:14 What?
958 00:57:15 Look! Josh is dancing with Tai! He never dances.
959 00:57:19 I can see why.
960 00:57:20 No, he's doing her a prop so she won't be left out.
961 00:57:24 Oh, I dig you.
962 00:58:02 -How are you guys holding up? -I'm so ready to leave.
963 00:58:05 Tired.
964 00:58:06 Let's get Christian and go. Christian
965 00:58:09 -you wanna go? -Now?
966 00:58:11 These guys right here got the skinny on the happening after-hours.
967 00:58:14 My trainer's coming really early this morning.
968 00:58:17 -Look, I could take the girls home. -No, that's all right.
969 00:58:20 -No, it's fine, stay. -You sure?
970 00:58:23 Yeah, sure.
971 00:58:24 Thanks, man. You got my marker.
972 00:58:26 You are a down girl. I'll call you tomorrow.
973 00:58:31 It was really decent of you to dance with Tai tonight.
974 00:58:34 My pleasure.
975 00:58:35 Did you notice any positive changes in her?
976 00:58:38 Yeah.
977 00:58:39 Under your tutelage, she's exploring the challenging world of bare midriffs.
978 00:58:45 So you didn't want to make a night of it with the ring-a-ding kid?
979 00:58:49 Yeah, Daddy wouldn't go too ballistic.
980 00:58:51 It's not like he's going to sleep.
981 00:58:52 No. Not if they're going to finish those depos.
982 00:58:55 Hey, you know what would be so dope? If we got some really delicious takeout.
983 00:58:59 I bet they haven't eaten all night.
984 00:59:01 Yeah, that would be pretty dope of us.
985 00:59:06 Let's do it.
986 00:59:10 The midnight snack totally revived the lawyers and Daddy was way grateful.
987 00:59:14 Meat.
988 00:59:15 Eat oranges, you get a lot of vitamin C. Daddy, no!
989 00:59:18 -You know you can't have that. -Cher, come on!
990 00:59:20 Don't be silly.
991 00:59:21 I know it sounds mental
992 00:59:22 but sometimes I have more fun vegging out than when I go partying.
993 00:59:26 Maybe because my party clothes are so binding.
994 00:59:28 Look, I'm just curious.
995 00:59:30 How many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself?
996 00:59:32 Some people are not lucky enough to be as naturally adorable as you are.
997 00:59:36 Stop it, you're making me blush.
998 00:59:40 Hello.
999 00:59:42 Hi, Cher, how are you?
1000 00:59:43 Hi, Gail.
1001 00:59:44 Is my son there cleaning out your refrigerator?
1002 00:59:47 No, he's not here.
1003 00:59:50 You should try the dorms.
1004 00:59:51 All right. Bye, hon.
1005 00:59:52 Bye-bye.
1006 00:59:54 What was that all about?
1007 00:59:55 She wants me to come home for spring break.
1008 00:59:57 What's the big deal? Nobody will be in school.
1009 00:59:59 Yeah, but Husband Number 4 is at home
1010 01:00:01 and his whole idea of acting like a family is to criticize me.
1011 01:00:04 So what, you're gonna roam around campus for two weeks all by yourself?
1012 01:00:08 I don't mind.
1013 01:00:09 That is stupid. Why don't you just come here,
1014 01:00:12 you can have your old room, and there are gonna be some great parties.
1015 01:00:15 -No. -Why not?
1016 01:00:18 You got your whole social world going on. I don't want to get in the way.
1017 01:00:22 You won't be in the way.
1018 01:00:24 How much fun would it be having a brother-type tagging along?
1019 01:00:27 Josh, you are not my brother.
1020 01:00:29 Look, you know what I mean.
1021 01:00:31 Come on, you need some excitement in your life.
1022 01:00:33 It will replenish you for your finals.
1023 01:00:38 -Okay. -Good.
1024 01:00:42 I can't believe I'm taking advice from someone who watches cartoons.
1025 01:00:46 Be quiet, you idiot!
1026 01:00:49 That's Ren and Stimpy.
1027 01:00:51 They are way existential.
1028 01:00:53 Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
1029 01:00:55 No. Why, do I sound like I do?
1030 01:01:11 Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday.
1031 01:01:14 You can imagine my astonishment
1032 01:01:16 to hear from him while I was packing Daddy up.
1033 01:01:18 Hello?
1034 01:01:19 He said he'd come over with some videotapes and we'd watch them.
1035 01:01:23 A night alone with Christian? I sent for reinforcements.
1036 01:01:26 De!
1037 01:01:28 Then De and I had to design a lighting concept.
1038 01:01:32 And costume decisions.
1039 01:01:33 I don't rely on mirrors so I always take Polaroids.
1040 01:01:40 Whenever a boy comes, you should always have something baking.
1041 01:01:53 Oh! I'm still all red!
1042 01:01:56 I'm trying to make you as white as I can, Cher.
1043 01:02:00 Look, you're all flushed. You have to calm down. Okay, calm.
1044 01:02:06 You know, I am so glad I never did it
1045 01:02:08 with someone I had lukewarm feelings for
1046 01:02:11 'cause Christian is brutally hot.
1047 01:02:13 And I am gonna remember tonight forever.
1048 01:02:15 Blot.
1049 01:02:23 Hi.
1050 01:02:29 Something burning?
1051 01:02:32 Oh, my God!
1052 01:02:41 Oh, honey, you baked.
1053 01:02:44 I tried.
1054 01:02:46 Come on. Show me the rest of your pad.
1055 01:02:53 Your father has a well-rounded collection.
1056 01:02:55 Daddy says it's a good investment.
1057 01:02:56 He's absolutely right. Claes Oldenburg.
1058 01:02:59 Oh, he's way famous.
1059 01:03:03 But this is older, see? Transitional.
1060 01:03:07 A very important piece.
1061 01:03:09 You want to go swimming?
1062 01:03:14 -Let's watch the movies. -Oh, okay.
1063 01:03:17 Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis
1064 01:03:19 so he brought over Some Like It Hot and Spartacus.
1065 01:03:23 Singer of songs.
1066 01:03:26 For whom did you practice this wondrous talent?
1067 01:03:29 For the children of my master whom I also taught the classics.
1068 01:03:33 Classics, indeed?
1069 01:03:36 What position have we, I wonder, for a boy of such varied gifts?
1070 01:03:42 You shall be my body servant. Instruct him.
1071 01:03:44 All of you, come with me.
1072 01:03:49 My feet are cold.
1073 01:03:58 Thanks.
1074 01:04:01 Oh, watch this part. This is good.
1075 01:04:06 Are you okay?
1076 01:04:08 I'm fine.
1077 01:04:10 Do you want something to drink? You know, I could get you some wine.
1078 01:04:13 No.
1079 01:04:15 You notice how wine makes people want to feel, like sexy?
1080 01:04:18 That's okay.
1081 01:04:24 I'm actually getting tired.
1082 01:04:28 But I can make you some coffee if you'd like.
1083 01:04:30 Oh, no, thanks. Got the ulcer.
1084 01:04:33 You had all those cappuccinos before.
1085 01:04:37 Well, you know, that was, like, foam.
1086 01:04:46 You're great. We're friends, right?
1087 01:04:52 Knock me a little kiss.
1088 01:04:55 I'll see you.
1089 01:05:02 I don't get it. Did my hair get flat?
1090 01:05:06 Did I stumble into some bad lighting?
1091 01:05:09 What's wrong with me?
1092 01:05:10 Nothing! Maybe he really was tired.
1093 01:05:13 I suppose it wasn't meant to be. I mean, he does dress better than I do.
1094 01:05:17 What would I bring to the relationship?
1095 01:05:19 Get back into the right lane. What's the first thing you do?
1096 01:05:22 The first thing I do is I put on my blinker.
1097 01:05:24 Oh, wait, shit.
1098 01:05:25 -Watch the road! -All right! Stop!
1099 01:05:28 Then I look in my mirror.
1100 01:05:31 Okay. Then I glance at my blind spot.
1101 01:05:35 You glance with your head not the whole car!
1102 01:05:37 I swear to God...
1103 01:05:38 I swear to God, woman, you can't drive for shit!
1104 01:05:41 -I'm not trying to hear that. No. -Hear me! You...
1105 01:05:44 Actually, going all the way is like a really big decision.
1106 01:05:48 I can't believe I was so capricious about it.
1107 01:05:50 De, I almost had sex with him.
1108 01:05:53 You almost had sex with who?
1109 01:05:54 Christian.
1110 01:05:57 What?
1111 01:05:59 Look, are you bitches blind or something?
1112 01:06:02 -Your man Christian is a cake boy. -A what?
1113 01:06:05 He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading,
1114 01:06:08 Streisand ticket-holding, friend of Dorothy.
1115 01:06:10 You know what I'm saying?
1116 01:06:11 -No way. -He's gay.
1117 01:06:13 -Not even. -Yes, even.
1118 01:06:16 He does like to shop, Cher. And the boy can dress.
1119 01:06:19 Oh, my God, I am totally bugging.
1120 01:06:22 I feel like such a bonehead.
1121 01:06:25 What the hell? You're getting on the freeway!
1122 01:06:28 -What? -No, turn right! Get out of the lane!
1123 01:06:30 No! Forget procedure, just get out of the lane!
1124 01:06:33 A truck!
1125 01:06:36 We're on the freeway!
1126 01:06:38 What do I do, Murray?
1127 01:06:39 Just go straight! Go straight! Go!
1128 01:06:42 Oh, shit!
1129 01:06:43 Just relax and drive, baby. Just relax and drive.
1130 01:06:46 Okay.
1131 01:06:48 I'm here with you.
1132 01:06:51 Shut up!
1133 01:07:00 Whatever you do, keep your hands on the wheel at all times!
1134 01:07:06 Oh, my God!
1135 01:07:11 Just go!
1136 01:07:15 -Turn to the right! -Okay.
1137 01:07:17 Oh, there it is. All right, we're off.
1138 01:07:22 You did wonderful.
1139 01:07:24 -It's all right, baby. Relax. -You did it, De.
1140 01:07:26 Honey, relax. Baby, relax.
1141 01:07:28 Breathe, breathe in. Breathe and let it out.
1142 01:07:32 Breathe, honey, breathe. Relax.
1143 01:07:35 Boy, getting off the freeway makes you realize how important love is.
1144 01:07:39 After that, Dionne's virginity went from "technical" to "nonexistent"
1145 01:07:44 and I realized how much I wanted a boyfriend of my own.
1146 01:07:47 Not that Christian wasn't a blast to hang out with,
1147 01:07:50 he was becoming one of my favorite shopping partners.
1148 01:07:53 The black one was, but so is the red.
1149 01:07:57 Where's Tai?
1150 01:07:59 She met some random guys at the Foot Locker
1151 01:08:01 and escorted them right over there.
1152 01:08:03 Oh, my God, did you?
1153 01:08:04 I don't know where she meets these Barneys.
1154 01:08:07 -I have a question, all right? -What?
1155 01:08:09 The jacket, is it James Dean or Jason Priestley?
1156 01:08:13 Carpe diem, okay? You looked hot in it.
1157 01:08:16 Really?
1158 01:08:18 -If I fall... -Don't worry.
1159 01:08:19 -...would you guys catch me? -Yeah!
1160 01:08:21 Could they please be more generic?
1161 01:08:25 Stop it! Please!
1162 01:08:27 Put me back up! Please put me back!
1163 01:08:33 Put me down!
1164 01:08:36 Thank you.
1165 01:08:38 -You asshole! -Hey, man, we're just joking.
1166 01:08:40 Oh, really? Somebody could get killed.
1167 01:08:43 -Oh, my God. -It's okay.
1168 01:08:45 Cher, you don't understand, I was sitting there
1169 01:08:48 and I was talking to those guys and all of a sudden
1170 01:08:50 we were laughing and they were...
1171 01:08:52 -Hey, you okay? -Yeah.
1172 01:08:53 -You sure? -I'm fine.
1173 01:08:56 -Let's get you home for some R and R. -What's that?
1174 01:09:02 Boy, considering how clueless she was
1175 01:09:04 Tai certainly had that damsel in distress act down.
1176 01:09:09 Meanwhile, back at school, everyone was talking about
1177 01:09:12 Tai's brush with death at the mall.
1178 01:09:14 Was it like a montage of all the scenes in your life?
1179 01:09:17 Not exactly a montage.
1180 01:09:19 Cher, is it true some gang members tried to shoot Tai in the mall?
1181 01:09:22 No.
1182 01:09:23 Well, that's what everyone is saying.
1183 01:09:25 Whatever.
1184 01:09:28 When I was 9, I fell off this jungle gym.
1185 01:09:30 That G-spot that they talk about in Cosmo...
1186 01:09:33 Wait, move down for Cher.
1187 01:09:35 Hi.
1188 01:09:36 Tell me more.
1189 01:09:37 Where was l?
1190 01:09:38 You were thinking about what was really important.
1191 01:09:41 Right.
1192 01:09:42 Okay, right before you die, your mind just sort of gets very clear.
1193 01:09:48 It's a very intense spiritual feeling...
1194 01:09:50 I know when I was held at gunpoint...
1195 01:09:52 -Excuse me. You were saying? -It's spiritual.
1196 01:09:54 I don't know, I can't pinpoint the spirituality of it for you
1197 01:09:58 if you've never experienced anything quite...
1198 01:10:00 Tai, I was planning on going to Tower and getting something for Christian.
1199 01:10:03 You know, like some kind of present or something. You want to come?
1200 01:10:07 Sure. I mean, I owe him my life.
1201 01:10:10 So I'll get you after school.
1202 01:10:11 Yeah. You know, not today, I'm going over to Melrose with Amber.
1203 01:10:15 We're going to Melrose.
1204 01:10:19 How about tomorrow?
1205 01:10:20 Do you think we could do it next Monday?
1206 01:10:22 I mean my week's filling up pretty fast here.
1207 01:10:25 So when we got back from the IHop it was 8:00.
1208 01:10:27 Oh, swoon. Here comes your boyfriend.
1209 01:10:31 Hey, Tai, check it out.
1210 01:10:35 Could you shove down a little bit?
1211 01:10:37 No.
1212 01:10:38 Hello, don't the slackers prefer that grassy knoll over there?
1213 01:10:49 Tai.
1214 01:10:50 -Well, so anyway... -What?
1215 01:10:52 Have you ever done it in water?
1216 01:10:53 -Oh, yeah. -Really?
1217 01:10:55 Does the sponge work in water?
1218 01:10:56 What was happening?
1219 01:10:58 Dionne asking Tai for sex advice?
1220 01:11:01 Tai being the most popular girl in school?
1221 01:11:05 It was like some sort of alternate universe.
1222 01:11:09 On top of everything else, I was going to take the driving test.
1223 01:11:14 So I had to find my most responsible-looking ensemble.
1224 01:11:17 Where's my white collarless shirt from Fred Segal?
1225 01:11:22 -Lucy, where's my shirt? -Probably at the cleaner.
1226 01:11:26 But today's the driving test. It's my most capable-looking outfit.
1227 01:11:29 Okay, I call them.
1228 01:11:33 It's too late now.
1229 01:11:34 We got another notice from the fire department
1230 01:11:36 saying we have to clear out the bush.
1231 01:11:38 You said you were gonna get José to do it.
1232 01:11:40 He's your gardener, why you don't tell him?
1233 01:11:42 Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.
1234 01:11:45 I not a Mexican!
1235 01:11:47 -Great. What was that all about? -Lucy's from El Salvador.
1236 01:11:50 So?
1237 01:11:52 It's an entirely different country.
1238 01:11:53 What does that matter?
1239 01:11:55 You get upset if someone thinks you live below Sunset.
1240 01:11:57 Okay. So everything is all my fault. I'm always wrong, right?
1241 01:12:01 You're such a brat.
1242 01:12:02 I had an overwhelming sense of ickiness.
1243 01:12:05 Even though I apologized to Lucy, something was still plaguing me.
1244 01:12:10 Like Josh thinking I was mean was making me postal.
1245 01:12:13 Move into the right lane.
1246 01:12:15 Anyway, why should I care what Josh thinks?
1247 01:12:18 Why was I letting it throw me into such turmoil?
1248 01:12:20 -Watch out for the bike rider! -Hey!
1249 01:12:22 Oops, my bad.
1250 01:12:24 What are you doing? You can't take up both lanes.
1251 01:12:28 Get in the right lane.
1252 01:12:30 Not so close!
1253 01:12:32 Should I write them a note?
1254 01:12:35 Pull over up here and turn off the engine.
1255 01:12:38 Yeah, right there.
1256 01:12:43 Are you gonna take me somewhere to make left-hand turns?
1257 01:12:46 We're going back to the DMV.
1258 01:12:48 -It's over? -It's over.
1259 01:12:50 -Well, how did I do? -How'd you do?
1260 01:12:54 Well, let's see, shall we?
1261 01:12:56 You can't park. You can't switch lanes.
1262 01:12:59 You can't make right-hand turns. You've damaged private property
1263 01:13:02 and you almost killed someone.
1264 01:13:04 Offhand, I'd say you failed.
1265 01:13:06 Failed?
1266 01:13:08 Well, can't we just start over?
1267 01:13:10 I'm kind of having a personal problem.
1268 01:13:12 My mind was somewhere else.
1269 01:13:14 You saw how that biker came out of nowhere, right?
1270 01:13:17 I swear I'll concentrate.
1271 01:13:19 I drive really good usually.
1272 01:13:21 Isn't there somebody else I can talk to? A supervisor or something?
1273 01:13:24 You can't be the absolute and final word in drivers' licenses.
1274 01:13:29 Girlie, as far as you're concerned, I am the messiah of the DMV.
1275 01:13:34 Now get out of the car.
1276 01:13:51 I can't believe I failed.
1277 01:13:53 I failed something I couldn't talk my way out of?
1278 01:14:01 All right. Put your legs into me. Thank you.
1279 01:14:04 Okay.
1280 01:14:05 -Hey. -Hey.
1281 01:14:06 -You're home. -How does it feel to have a license?
1282 01:14:09 I wouldn't know. I failed.
1283 01:14:12 Oh. Bummer.
1284 01:14:13 And, Josh, spare me your lectures
1285 01:14:15 on how driving is such a big responsibility
1286 01:14:17 you can't B.S. your way through it, okay?
1287 01:14:20 I didn't say anything.
1288 01:14:21 I know what you're thinking.
1289 01:14:31 I got to tell you something.
1290 01:14:32 I'm really sorry about your test and all.
1291 01:14:34 I'm so glad you're here.
1292 01:14:36 There's something I got to do and I need you here with me while I do it.
1293 01:14:39 -Does this thing work? -Yeah. Sure.
1294 01:14:42 What is this stuff?
1295 01:14:43 This is a bunch of junk that reminded me of Elton.
1296 01:14:46 But I want to burn it because I am so over him.
1297 01:14:49 -Well, what stuff? -All right.
1298 01:14:52 Do you remember when we were at the Val party
1299 01:14:54 and the clog knocked me out and Elton got a towel of ice to cure me?
1300 01:14:58 Yeah.
1301 01:15:00 I didn't tell you at the time, but I took the towel home as a souvenir.
1302 01:15:05 -You're kidding. -No.
1303 01:15:08 And then, do you remember that song that was playing when we danced?
1304 01:15:12 Remember that? You know, the Rolling with the Homies?
1305 01:15:16 Anyways, I got the tape, right? I listened to it like every single night.
1306 01:15:21 Don't burn that. Okay.
1307 01:15:24 Tai, I'm really happy for you
1308 01:15:27 but what brought on this surge of empowerment?
1309 01:15:30 It's like
1310 01:15:31 I met this guy who's so totally amazing
1311 01:15:35 that he makes Elton look like a loser.
1312 01:15:37 That is so great.
1313 01:15:39 Look, you've got to help me get Josh.
1314 01:15:42 Get Josh what?
1315 01:15:45 You know what I mean.
1316 01:15:46 I like him.
1317 01:15:48 Do you think that he likes you?
1318 01:15:50 Yeah.
1319 01:15:51 How do you know?
1320 01:15:52 Like little things, you know?
1321 01:15:55 He always... He finds some sort of way to touch me or tickle me.
1322 01:16:00 Do you remember the time at the frat when I was totally depressed
1323 01:16:03 and he asked me to dance with him and he was really flirty?
1324 01:16:08 You okay?
1325 01:16:10 Yeah.
1326 01:16:11 Actually, I was really bad today.
1327 01:16:14 I had two mochaccinos. I feel like ralphing.
1328 01:16:17 I know exactly how that feels.
1329 01:16:19 Like, the other day, I was talking to Josh
1330 01:16:23 and we were discussing the difference
1331 01:16:24 between high-school girls and college girls.
1332 01:16:27 College girls wear less makeup on their face
1333 01:16:30 and that's why guys like them more.
1334 01:16:32 But, Tai, do you really think you'd be good with Josh?
1335 01:16:35 I mean, he's like a school nerd.
1336 01:16:37 What, am I some sort of a mentally challenged airhead?
1337 01:16:41 No, not even. I didn't say that.
1338 01:16:45 What, I'm not good enough for Josh or something?
1339 01:16:48 I just don't think you'd
1340 01:16:52 mesh well together.
1341 01:16:54 You don't think that we mesh well?
1342 01:16:58 Why am I even listening to you to begin with?
1343 01:17:01 You're a virgin who can't drive.
1344 01:17:08 That was way harsh, Tai.
1345 01:17:11 All right. Look, I'm really sorry.
1346 01:17:15 Let's just talk when we've mellowed, all right? I'm Audi.
1347 01:17:23 What did I do?
1348 01:17:25 I've created some sort of a monster.
1349 01:17:28 I could feel the chunks start to rise up in my throat.
1350 01:17:33 I had to get out.
1351 01:17:45 Everything I think and everything I do is wrong.
1352 01:17:48 I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong about Christian...
1353 01:17:52 now Josh hated me.
1354 01:17:54 It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion:
1355 01:17:57 I was just totally clueless.
1356 01:18:00 Oh, and this Josh and Tai thing was wigging me more than anything.
1357 01:18:03 I mean, what was my problem? Tai is my pal.
1358 01:18:07 I don't begrudge her a boyfriend. I really...
1359 01:18:09 I wonder if they have that in my size.
1360 01:18:14 What does she want with Josh anyway?
1361 01:18:17 He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock
1362 01:18:20 he's not even cute in a conventional way.
1363 01:18:25 I mean, he's just like this slug
1364 01:18:28 who hangs around the house all the time.
1365 01:18:33 And he's a hideous dancer.
1366 01:18:35 Couldn't take him anywhere.
1367 01:18:38 Wait a second, what am I stressing about?
1368 01:18:41 This is, like, Josh.
1369 01:18:47 Okay, so he is kind of a Baldwin.
1370 01:18:50 But what would he want with Tai?
1371 01:18:52 She couldn't make him happy.
1372 01:18:54 Josh needs someone with imagination, someone to take care of him.
1373 01:18:59 Someone to laugh at his jokes, in case he ever makes any.
1374 01:19:03 Then suddenly...
1375 01:19:06 Oh, my God!
1376 01:19:10 I love Josh.
1377 01:19:13 I am majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Josh!
1378 01:19:18 But now I don't know how to act around him.
1379 01:19:21 Ordinarily, I'd strut around him in my cutest little outfits
1380 01:19:24 and send myself flowers and candy
1381 01:19:27 but I couldn't do that stuff with Josh.
1382 01:19:31 -What's with you? -What do you mean?
1383 01:19:33 You're so quiet.
1384 01:19:35 Haven't made me watch The Real World.
1385 01:19:37 I care about the news.
1386 01:19:39 -Since when? -Since now.
1387 01:19:41 ...retaliation for recent government successes in central Bosnia.
1388 01:19:46 You look confused.
1389 01:19:48 Well, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.
1390 01:20:02 -Cher, get in here. -What's up, Daddy?
1391 01:20:04 What are you doing dancing in front of my office?
1392 01:20:07 Nothing. I just wanted to see if you need any help with anything.
1393 01:20:11 Yeah, you could help me with something.
1394 01:20:14 Come over here.
1395 01:20:18 All right.
1396 01:20:20 Every time that you see a telephone conversation
1397 01:20:24 that took place on September 3, highlight it.
1398 01:20:27 -Just September 3. -Okay.
1399 01:20:33 It's fun?
1400 01:20:34 Yeah.
1401 01:20:37 Okay.
1402 01:20:40 Daddy, did you ever have a problem that you couldn't argue your way out of?
1403 01:20:44 Tell me the problem and we'll figure out how to argue it.
1404 01:20:48 -I like this boy... -Yes?
1405 01:20:49 ...and he likes someone else.
1406 01:20:51 -How could that be? -I don't know, but I feel wretched.
1407 01:20:54 Obviously this boy is a complete moron.
1408 01:20:57 You are the most beautiful girl in Beverly Hills.
1409 01:21:01 To tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want you with a stupid fellow like that.
1410 01:21:05 Actually he is a smart guy
1411 01:21:08 and, you know, he's one of those do-gooder types
1412 01:21:11 and now I feel like all my after-school commitments are just not good enough.
1413 01:21:15 How can you say that?
1414 01:21:16 Who takes care of everyone in this household?
1415 01:21:19 Who makes sure that Daddy eats right?
1416 01:21:21 To tell you the truth, I have not seen such good doing
1417 01:21:25 since your mother.
1418 01:21:27 -Really? -Really.
1419 01:21:31 Now get back to work.
1420 01:21:37 Later, while we were learning about the Pismo Beach disaster
1421 01:21:41 I decided I needed a complete makeover.
1422 01:21:44 Except this time I'd make over my soul.
1423 01:21:47 But what makes somebody a better person?
1424 01:21:50 And then I realized all my friends were really good in different ways.
1425 01:21:54 Like Christian, he always wants things to be beautiful and interesting.
1426 01:21:58 Or Dionne and Murray,
1427 01:22:00 when they think no one is watching, are so considerate of each other.
1428 01:22:05 And poor Miss Geist
1429 01:22:06 always trying to get us involved, no matter how much we resist.
1430 01:22:11 Oh, this is just...
1431 01:22:13 That doesn't even show, every single possession, every memory
1432 01:22:17 everything you've had your whole life, gone in a second.
1433 01:22:21 Can you imagine what that must feel like?
1434 01:22:24 -Elton? -Can I use the pass?
1435 01:22:26 Yeah.
1436 01:22:27 We'll be collecting blankets, disposable diapers,
1437 01:22:31 canned goods.
1438 01:22:32 Miss Geist?
1439 01:22:34 -Cher? -I want to help.
1440 01:22:37 That would be wonderful.
1441 01:22:39 I felt better already.
1442 01:22:44 -Daddy? -What?
1443 01:22:46 You didn't like that red caviar, did you?
1444 01:22:49 What's she talking about?
1445 01:23:04 Cher, what are you doing?
1446 01:23:07 I'm captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief.
1447 01:23:10 I don't think they need your skis.
1448 01:23:12 Daddy, some people lost all their belongings.
1449 01:23:14 Don't you think that includes athletic equipment?
1450 01:23:18 This is your influence, Josh?
1451 01:23:39 Hey, come here, sign up.
1452 01:23:41 It's gonna be really fun.
1453 01:23:45 And these beans, it's so great.
1454 01:23:46 -Shall I leave the blanket here? -No.
1455 01:23:48 Could you please bring it to bedding?
1456 01:23:50 -Sure. -Yes, thank you very much.
1457 01:23:54 Miss Geist, I need more boxes, they're all filled up.
1458 01:23:57 Already? Great!
1459 01:23:59 I divided them into entrées and appetizers.
1460 01:24:01 Okay. I'll have them picked up.
1461 01:24:05 Okay.
1462 01:24:12 -Hey. -Proper.
1463 01:24:13 This is really decent of you, Travis.
1464 01:24:15 Sure.
1465 01:24:18 I wasn't sure about that.
1466 01:24:19 I don't need it anymore, but far be it from me to deny anyone else.
1467 01:24:23 I wanted to tell you something.
1468 01:24:25 -I'm sorry about your shoes. -What shoes?
1469 01:24:27 The red ones with the strappy thing.
1470 01:24:29 Those are so last season. What even made you think of them?
1471 01:24:33 It's one of my steps. See, I joined this club
1472 01:24:36 and they have all these steps. There's like...
1473 01:24:39 Twelve?
1474 01:24:40 Yeah, 1 2. How'd you know?
1475 01:24:42 Wild guess.
1476 01:24:44 Wow, that's a good guess. Also, here.
1477 01:24:48 ASL?
1478 01:24:50 Amateur Skateboarding League.
1479 01:24:51 This clarity thing, it's brought me to a whole new level and my skating is...
1480 01:24:55 You got to see it. Would you come Saturday?
1481 01:24:57 Sure.
1482 01:24:58 Cool.
1483 01:25:01 Well, I guess, kitchenware?
1484 01:25:04 That's where I used to keep it.
1485 01:25:22 -Hi. -Hi.
1486 01:25:24 Cher, can I talk to you a minute?
1487 01:25:27 Sure.
1488 01:25:28 I have been in agony the past week
1489 01:25:31 and I can't even believe that I went off the way I did.
1490 01:25:33 No, I have been going down a shame spiral.
1491 01:25:36 I cannot even believe I was so unsupportive of your feelings for Josh.
1492 01:25:40 No, you are entitled to your own opinion, all right?
1493 01:25:42 I'm the tard here.
1494 01:25:44 Cher, you've been nothing but super-duper nice to me.
1495 01:25:46 Not even. If it wasn't for me
1496 01:25:48 you wouldn't even have liked that loser, Elton.
1497 01:25:50 I'm so sorry, Tai.
1498 01:25:52 Cher, I'm really sorry.
1499 01:25:54 Oh, shit, now I'm gonna go ahead and cry.
1500 01:25:58 -Let's never fight again, okay? -Oh, totally.
1501 01:26:00 Next up, Number 14, Travis Birkenstock.
1502 01:26:08 There he is, he waved to you.
1503 01:26:26 All right, Travis!
1504 01:26:32 I had no idea he was so motivated.
1505 01:26:34 Oh, I did.
1506 01:26:37 When I saw the sparks between Tai and Travis
1507 01:26:40 I knew Josh was out of the picture.
1508 01:26:52 You look like Pippi Longstocking.
1509 01:26:55 You look like Forrest Gump.
1510 01:26:58 Who's Pippi Longstocking?
1511 01:27:01 Someone Mel Gibson never played.
1512 01:27:02 You're funny.
1513 01:27:13 What happened to the August 28 files?
1514 01:27:16 What?
1515 01:27:17 Mel wanted them tonight. There were twice as many.
1516 01:27:20 He's gonna go ballistic. Where are they?
1517 01:27:23 I think I checked them for the September 3 conversations.
1518 01:27:26 -What? -Where'd you put them?
1519 01:27:28 I divided them into two piles.
1520 01:27:30 Is that wrong?
1521 01:27:31 My God! I have to redo all that. What are you, some kind of idiot?
1522 01:27:34 Hey, she didn't know.
1523 01:27:36 She just set us back a day.
1524 01:27:37 Who cares about the September call? Now we're screwed.
1525 01:27:40 I'm sorry.
1526 01:27:42 Just forget it, okay?
1527 01:27:43 Just go back to the mall or something.
1528 01:27:47 What's your problem, man? She didn't mean any harm.
1529 01:27:50 I'm gonna get killed, 'cause she's a moron.
1530 01:27:52 She's not a moron.
1531 01:27:53 If you were paying attention, it wouldn't have happened.
1532 01:27:56 If you hadn't been playing footsie with the dumb kid
1533 01:27:59 she wouldn't be bothering.
1534 01:28:00 What the hell are you talking about?
1535 01:28:01 You know exactly what I'm talking about.
1536 01:28:03 This is a multi-million dollar lawsuit, not some excuse for puppy love.
1537 01:28:06 We've been working our butts off on this case.
1538 01:28:08 I'll tell you what,
1539 01:28:10 you do whatever you want with your butts. I'm calling in sick.
1540 01:28:19 Did I really ruin Daddy's lawsuit?
1541 01:28:22 No.
1542 01:28:27 Of course not.
1543 01:28:29 Did I set him back?
1544 01:28:31 There's so much work to be done and he can't afford to lose that time.
1545 01:28:34 Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.
1546 01:28:37 Your father won't lose any time.
1547 01:28:41 Can you imagine the nerve of that guy?
1548 01:28:43 I mean, making you worry like that.
1549 01:28:46 He's the one that screwed up, and then he goes and blames us.
1550 01:28:51 I mean, imagine saying we were...
1551 01:28:55 you know.
1552 01:28:56 That's right. You've been very dedicated to this case.
1553 01:29:00 Yeah, it was a good learning experience, at least for me.
1554 01:29:04 I want to be a lawyer.
1555 01:29:06 But you, I mean, you don't need to be doing this.
1556 01:29:10 Go out and have fun. Go shopping.
1557 01:29:15 You think that's all I do? I'm just a ditz with a credit card?
1558 01:29:18 No, that's not what I meant.
1559 01:29:22 It's...
1560 01:29:28 You're young and beautiful
1561 01:29:33 and...
1562 01:29:34 And?
1563 01:29:37 And, well, what?
1564 01:29:41 You think I'm beautiful?
1565 01:29:46 You know...
1566 01:29:48 You know you're gorgeous, all right?
1567 01:29:50 And popular and...
1568 01:29:55 But this is not why l, you know, I come here.
1569 01:29:58 This is a good learning experience for me.
1570 01:30:02 You already said that.
1571 01:30:04 Mel. I want to help out Mel.
1572 01:30:07 He's the only one who cares about me.
1573 01:30:10 That's not true.
1574 01:30:12 He's not?
1575 01:30:15 No.
1576 01:30:17 Are you saying you care about me?
1577 01:30:21 Josh...
1578 01:30:39 Well, you can guess what happened next.
1579 01:30:42 Therefore...
1580 01:30:43 As if! I am only 1 6...
1581 01:30:46 and this is California not Kentucky!
1582 01:30:48 You may kiss the bride.
1583 01:31:12 I know that when I have my own wedding,
1584 01:31:15 I want this, like, this whole entire floral motif,
1585 01:31:18 like very floral garlands...
1586 01:31:20 No. When I get married, I'm gonna have a sailor dress
1587 01:31:23 but it's gonna be a gown.
1588 01:31:24 All my bridesmaids are gonna wear sailor hats.
1589 01:31:26 -That sounds so cool. -With veils.
1590 01:31:28 My God, they're planning our weddings already.
1591 01:31:30 Could you all stop all that "till death do us part" mumbo-jumbo?
1592 01:31:33 -I'm telling you, I'm completely bugging. -Jeez, I'm bugging myself.
1593 01:31:37 Girls, she's about to throw the bouquet. Come on!
1594 01:31:42 We got a pool going to see whose girl gets the bouquet.
1595 01:31:45 It's up to $200.
1596 01:31:47 It's in the bag.
1597 01:31:50 All right, come on, girls.
1598 01:31:53 Over here!
1599 01:32:11 I got it!
