下流祖父(Dirty Grandpa)(EN)Subtitles

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1 00:01:10 DIRTY GRANDPA
2 00:02:13 So I said,"If opposing counsel's
3 00:02:15 "invoking fiduciaryliability precedent
4 00:02:17 "under the terms ofLandgraf v. Henson,
5 00:02:19 "Your Honor, please,by all means, go ahead,
6 00:02:22 "rescind the plaintiff'sde facto petition
7 00:02:24 "for injunctive relief."
8 00:02:26 - It was fun. It was fun.- Yeah.
9 00:02:28 Excuse me, gentlemen.I'll be right back.
10 00:02:30 So funny."Injunctive relief."
11 00:02:32 That tickled my funny bone.
12 00:02:36 What's up, Nick?
13 00:02:37 Fucking sucks dickabout Grandma?
14 00:02:41 Yeah.
15 00:02:43 Old woman fuckingmurdered like that.
16 00:02:45 Nick, she had cancer.
17 00:02:47 We'll neverknow the truth.
18 00:02:48 - We absolutely know the truth.- Yeah.
19 00:02:50 Grandma had cancerfor 10 years.
20 00:02:52 You don't just diefrom cancer, Jason!
21 00:02:55 Calm down...
22 00:02:56 I'll see you at thecrossroads, Grandma.
23 00:02:58 What are you doing? Are you kidding me?Right now?
24 00:03:01 Hey, get yourshit together!
25 00:03:03 My dad and my fiancee
26 00:03:04 are literally standingright next to us.
27 00:03:06 - Beyonce's here?- No.
28 00:03:09 What is that?
29 00:03:11 - What are you doing?- I'm just...
30 00:03:12 Are you fuckinghigh right now?
31 00:03:13 No, this isn't...
32 00:03:15 - You're high as a kite!- It's an e-cigarette.
33 00:03:16 It's filledwith a little weed,
34 00:03:17 but it's an e-cigarette.
35 00:03:19 Grow up, man!What are you doing?
36 00:03:21 "Grow up"?How adult are you?
37 00:03:24 What, do you listento NPR in your Volvo?
38 00:03:26 You play racquetballcompetitively
39 00:03:27 against businessassociates?
40 00:03:28 No. No.
41 00:03:29 You ever go awayto a rented house
42 00:03:30 with other couples
43 00:03:32 and then play Scattergoriesover a bottle of white wine?
44 00:03:34 Jason.
45 00:03:41 I just blew a shot atyour grandma's memory.
46 00:04:08 Poor Grandpa...
47 00:04:32 Our first readingis from Deuteronomy 30:19.
48 00:04:37 "This day I callthe heavens and the earth
49 00:04:41 "as a witness against you..."
50 00:04:44 "...that I have set before youlife and death..."
51 00:04:46 Hey, babe, I found the tieyou're going to wear
52 00:04:48 to the rehearsalbrunch Sunday.
53 00:04:51 Do you like the coralcolor or the salmon?
54 00:04:53 "...that the raceis not to the swift..."
55 00:04:55 Either one.
56 00:04:57 "...nor the battleto the strong."
57 00:04:59 Babe, what's wrong?
58 00:05:02 Coral or salmon?
59 00:05:05 Well, what do you like?
60 00:05:06 I mean...I like the coral.
61 00:05:08 That's whatI was going to say, too.
62 00:05:10 - Okay, cool. Okay.- Okay.
63 00:05:14 Coral it is!
64 00:05:17 It's going to bea special day.
65 00:05:19 "...now choose life,
66 00:05:21 "so that youand your children shall live."
67 00:05:28 Anyway, I'm downin Valdosta right now.
68 00:05:30 I opened upa fucking pet shop...
69 00:05:31 Not pet shop,"puppy mill."
70 00:05:33 Puppy mill...
71 00:05:35 You know, designer dogsget a bad name,
72 00:05:37 but they can gofor quite a pretty penny.
73 00:05:38 Really?
74 00:05:39 It's just hardto get them to mate.
75 00:05:41 Because the little dogs,
76 00:05:43 they don't wannafuck the big dogs,
77 00:05:45 and the big dogs, they don'twanna fuck the little dogs...
78 00:05:47 So I gotta manuallydo it, you know.
79 00:05:49 I gotta spreadand manually shoot in.
80 00:05:52 So, what's up with you?
81 00:05:54 Well, I'm keepingpretty busy...
82 00:05:55 Cool.
83 00:05:56 Hey, Diane,
84 00:05:58 - how's it going?- Hi, Nick.
85 00:05:59 Hey, Nick.
86 00:06:00 I just don't understand
87 00:06:01 why you haveto drive down to Florida
88 00:06:02 tomorrow already, Dad!
89 00:06:04 We just had the funeral.
90 00:06:05 Your grandmotherand I were there
91 00:06:06 at this timeevery year.
92 00:06:08 It's whatshe would have wanted.
93 00:06:09 I'd drive down myself,
94 00:06:10 except they tookmy license away.
95 00:06:13 But why does Jason haveto be the one to drive you?
96 00:06:15 He's so busy at work...
97 00:06:16 Got the weddingcoming up next weekend,
98 00:06:18 the rehearsal brunch.
99 00:06:19 You know, the entire lawfirm is coming to this.
100 00:06:22 - It's true, Grandpa.- Jason...
101 00:06:23 We have a lot of stuff,Meredith and I...
102 00:06:24 I'll handle it.
103 00:06:26 Go ahead.
104 00:06:28 How about Cousin Nick?Dad?
105 00:06:31 Why doesn't Nick do it?
106 00:06:32 We got this chocolate Labdown at the store
107 00:06:34 that is just so horny,
108 00:06:36 every time I touchthe back of its ear,
109 00:06:38 it just gushes cum.
110 00:06:40 - Okay.- I mean, like a squirting...
111 00:06:42 Is that your dog?
112 00:06:44 Nick isn'tlegally allowed
113 00:06:45 to leave the stateof Georgia anymore.
114 00:06:47 I've barely seen this guysince high school.
115 00:06:50 What's wrong with spendingsome time with him?
116 00:06:52 So spending timewith family
117 00:06:53 is suddenlyimportant to you now?
118 00:06:54 Look, he can come here
119 00:06:56 tomorrow morningfor breakfast.
120 00:06:57 We can drive downto Boca during the day,
121 00:06:59 maybe play a roundof golf or two,
122 00:07:01 then he'd be back herein Atlanta the next day.
123 00:07:03 He can't justflake off for two days!
124 00:07:05 The risk versus rewardhere is just...
125 00:07:07 I don't see it happening.
126 00:07:09 It's what she wouldhave wanted, that's all.
127 00:07:13 But if you have to getready for your wedding,
128 00:07:16 if you're that busy...
129 00:07:26 I just don't understandwhy he wants you to take him.
130 00:07:28 You're not even that close.
131 00:07:30 Well, we used to be.
132 00:07:32 Grandpa and I got alonggrowing up.
133 00:07:33 We used to build these
134 00:07:35 model trains every Christmas,so I brought him...
135 00:07:37 Well, it seems likewe're cutting it
136 00:07:38 a little closehere, you know,
137 00:07:39 with the rehearsalbrunch on Friday...
138 00:07:41 I know. I know.
139 00:07:43 And by the way,I can't find any
140 00:07:45 of the Martha's Vineyardvacation photos
141 00:07:46 for the slide show.
142 00:07:48 I'm just freaking out.
143 00:07:49 That's becausethey're on my laptop,
144 00:07:50 which I've got right here.
145 00:07:52 So I'll send themto the wedding planner.
146 00:07:53 You don't have to worryabout anything.
147 00:07:54 Thanks.
148 00:07:56 And your dad says take 75,because 16 takes forever.
149 00:07:59 Yeah, I know. He's gotit all mapped out for me.
150 00:08:01 And can you takemy car, sweetie?
151 00:08:03 I needthe SUV for the wine.
152 00:08:20 Grandpa?
153 00:08:25 Grandpa?
154 00:08:50 Grandpa?
155 00:09:02 Hey! You made it!
156 00:09:05 Give me a minute...
157 00:09:06 God! Shit!
158 00:09:09 Grab my ass!
159 00:09:13 - You ready to hit the road?- I'm really sorry, Grandpa.
160 00:09:15 I didn't thinkyou'd be doing that.
161 00:09:18 So you caught metaking a number three.
162 00:09:20 Big deal, right?
163 00:09:21 Number three?
164 00:09:23 Have a drink.
165 00:09:25 ...No.I'm driving, so...
166 00:09:28 I just got to finish upmy exercises,
167 00:09:30 and then we'llhop on 16 to 95.
168 00:09:36 Dad says we should take 75 to 95.It's more direct.
169 00:09:39 Dad's full of shit.
170 00:09:41 Grandpa, are yousure you're okay?
171 00:09:45 Thanks for doing this,by the way.
172 00:09:46 Those fuckheadsdown at the DMV
173 00:09:48 took my goddamnlicense away
174 00:09:49 because of these fuckingcataracts in my eye.
175 00:09:51 But I can stillhit the shit
176 00:09:52 out of a golf ball,that's for sure!
177 00:09:54 I made a tee timefor us in Florida
178 00:09:55 for this afternoon.
179 00:09:57 You can use yourgrandmother's lady clubs,
180 00:09:59 they're right thereby the front door.
181 00:10:00 Okay.
182 00:10:03 All right,you ready?
183 00:10:05 I thought the plan wasto have breakfast here?
184 00:10:06 That's your breakfast.
185 00:10:08 Now let's go get in thatgiant labia you drove up in
186 00:10:10 and get the fuckout of here.
187 00:10:23 You sure I should be drivingwith this, Grandpa?
188 00:10:26 Don't worry,if you spill it,
189 00:10:28 this giant tampon we'redriving in should soak it up.
190 00:10:37 Just finishinga work email
191 00:10:41 for the Steinhartfile...
192 00:10:46 So you're a lawyer at yourdad's firm now, is that right?
193 00:10:49 That's right,and Meredith is too.
194 00:10:51 You know,her dad is one of
195 00:10:52 the managingpartners there, so...
196 00:10:53 - I know, that's...- Yeah.
197 00:10:57 It couldn't haveworked out better.
198 00:10:58 Because it's justthat I remember
199 00:10:59 when you werein high school,
200 00:11:01 you told me how much youwanted to be a photographer,
201 00:11:02 travel the world.That sort of thing.
202 00:11:05 You remember whenI got you that subscription
203 00:11:06 to Time magazine?
204 00:11:09 Yeah, I used to be intophotography, but...
205 00:11:12 I mean, with Dad beingat the firm, pfft,
206 00:11:14 it just madeso much more sense
207 00:11:15 to focus ona college curriculum
208 00:11:17 that stressedthe law school track.
209 00:11:19 I mean, I love what I do,Grandpa.
210 00:11:20 Being a corporate lawyeris awesome,
211 00:11:22 I get to handleSEC compliance...
212 00:11:24 No shit!
213 00:11:25 Yeah. Yeah.
214 00:11:26 You handle SEC compliance?
215 00:11:28 LP agreements.
216 00:11:29 Man, I didn't know that.
217 00:11:31 LLC agreements.
218 00:11:33 You're shitting me!
219 00:11:34 Being a corporate lawyer,it's got its upsides.
220 00:11:37 You know whatI'd rather do?
221 00:11:38 What?
222 00:11:39 I'd rather let Queen Latifahshit in my mouth
223 00:11:42 from a fuckinghot air balloon.
224 00:11:45 That's me. I'm gonna hit theliquor store over there,
225 00:11:47 get some moreof the creature.
226 00:11:49 Meet you backat the Dildomobile in five.
227 00:11:50 You're paying the check,Alan Douche-owitz.
228 00:11:56 Where do I know that guy from?He looks so familiar.
229 00:11:59 He looks like Abercrombiefucked Fitch.
230 00:12:01 Yeah,while J.Crew J'd-off.
231 00:12:04 Shit! No, you guys, he was...It's so funny.
232 00:12:06 He was my lab partner
233 00:12:08 in photography class,freshman year.
234 00:12:09 No shit!He's a Florida alum?
235 00:12:12 Lenore, you can totallyfinish the trifecta.
236 00:12:15 My God, I alreadyhave alum, remember?
237 00:12:17 I fucked that cryingdivorced guy, Tony.
238 00:12:19 - With the big balls.- Right. Yeah.
239 00:12:21 - In the porta-potty.- Yeah.
240 00:12:22 - At the tailgate.- Yeah.
241 00:12:24 I need a professor.
242 00:12:25 Wait, I'm sorry.What's the trifecta again?
243 00:12:28 It's this thingI read about
244 00:12:30 where in my senior yearI have to fuck a freshman,
245 00:12:32 an alumni,and a professor.
246 00:12:34 - Where did you read that?- In my diary.
247 00:12:38 - Where I wrote it...- Yeah.
248 00:12:40 He used to take the mostbeautiful portraits
249 00:12:42 without using any filtersor Photoshop...
250 00:12:44 I've read your diary.
251 00:12:46 He was amazing.
252 00:12:47 My God, you did?
253 00:12:48 - Yeah.- Did you like it?
254 00:12:50 You guys aren't listening.I'm gonna go say hi to him.
255 00:12:52 - Okay?- Slut...
256 00:12:55 I hope you don't getTommy Hilfingered.
257 00:12:58 That was really late,but it still counts.
258 00:13:00 Just likeall my periods...
259 00:13:02 - Ew.- What?
260 00:13:07 Hi. How are you?
261 00:13:10 Good. Here you go,you can keep the change.
262 00:13:12 No, no, no.I'm not... You...
263 00:13:18 Okay.
264 00:13:23 Guys?Guys, listen to me.
265 00:13:25 What?
266 00:13:27 - Let's go.- Bitch, what?
267 00:13:28 - Shut the fuck up! Go!- My God!
268 00:13:32 You all set?
269 00:13:34 Yeah, I just gave my moneyto the other waitress, sorry.
270 00:13:38 There is noother waitress.
271 00:13:40 I'm the only one who'sever worked here. Ever...
272 00:13:44 Shit! The fucking pieceof shit car never starts!
273 00:13:46 Hey!
274 00:13:48 Hey!
275 00:13:50 God, he's likea Mitt Romney Terminator.
276 00:13:54 Excuse me!
277 00:13:56 Sorry, my shift is actually over, so...Sorry...
278 00:13:59 - No way.- What?
279 00:14:01 I know you.
280 00:14:02 No.
281 00:14:04 Yeah, I do. You werein my photography class.
282 00:14:05 You took all thoselandscapes. Right?
283 00:14:08 Shadia.
284 00:14:10 Yeah. Shadia.
285 00:14:11 Holy shit,you're Shadia?
286 00:14:14 - Yeah. Shadia.- Shadia.
287 00:14:15 Jamba!
288 00:14:16 What the fuck!
289 00:14:18 Shadia. It means"singer" in Arabic.
290 00:14:20 Or in ancient Arabic,
291 00:14:22 "al-munshidaalati tunadi lel-mei."
292 00:14:24 Or, "she whose namecalls others to water."
293 00:14:27 That's actually right.
294 00:14:28 Shadia,this is my...
295 00:14:30 Dr. Richards. I teach historyat the University of Georgia.
296 00:14:32 You're a professor?
297 00:14:34 Yeah. Why? You lookingfor some extra credit?
298 00:14:37 Jason and I are doinga story on the Middle East.
299 00:14:39 He's a photographerfor Time magazine.
300 00:14:42 You know, I lost my virginityat my pop-pop's bingo night.
301 00:14:45 My name's Lenore.
302 00:14:47 "The rareand radiant maiden
303 00:14:49 "whom the angelsnamed Lenore"
304 00:14:51 "Quoth the Raven,'Nevermore'"
305 00:14:54 Diplomaticos?
306 00:14:56 Hey, you know your cigars.
307 00:14:59 What are you,half Cuban or something?
308 00:15:00 Actually, I am, Professor.
309 00:15:06 - The bottom half.- Okay.
310 00:15:07 - Okay, yeah, we're heading out.- Yeah.
311 00:15:09 Good to see you. We're goingto Daytona Beach for the week.
312 00:15:11 My God, and weshould have been there
313 00:15:12 three fucking hours ago,
314 00:15:14 so let's go, bitches!
315 00:15:15 Holy shit.
316 00:15:17 What?
317 00:15:18 Nothing.You're just really gay.
318 00:15:20 Am I?Thanks, Captain Gaydar.
319 00:15:24 Jesus! You know,I'm also black, right?
320 00:15:26 Yeah, I know.That's funny too.
321 00:15:29 So you guys wanna tagalong for a bit maybe?
322 00:15:31 Party some babiesinto us?
323 00:15:33 - Absolutely not!- Absolutely not!
324 00:15:35 Why?
325 00:15:36 We have
326 00:15:37 - a very important tee time.- Of course you do.
327 00:15:39 And do you also have to take anap before you play Mahjong?
328 00:15:41 - No, it's shuffleboard.- Shuffleboard.
329 00:15:42 And then earlydinner at 4:00.
330 00:15:44 We have a long-standingbet. Who's the better golfer.
331 00:15:46 Obviously I've gotthe bigger 3-wood...
332 00:15:48 Good. Maybe you can use itto hit your balls
333 00:15:50 right into my vagina.
334 00:15:51 - Holy shit!- Okay, we're going inside now.
335 00:15:53 - Jesus!- Let's go. That's enough.
336 00:15:55 - Bye, Professor.- Thanks for lunch.
337 00:15:57 Peace!
338 00:16:00 - Nice girl.- Yeah.
339 00:16:15 Well? How do I look?
340 00:16:19 Like the keynote speaker ata buttfucking convention.
341 00:16:21 - What?- What?
342 00:16:22 - What?- What?
343 00:16:25 We're gonna writein the first hole,
344 00:16:25 it's an easy par-4.
345 00:16:27 - No, no, no, no. Hey...- Jump in.
346 00:16:29 This is againstthe rules, Grandpa.
347 00:16:30 Fuck the rules.Jump in. Come on.
348 00:16:32 Not to mention,a breach in golf etiquette.
349 00:16:36 Beep, beep,beep, beep, beep!
350 00:16:37 - Hey!- Out of my way, buttfuckers!
351 00:16:38 Really? What are you doing?
352 00:16:40 We gotta get this guyto his buttfucking convention.
353 00:16:42 What are youtrying to do, man?
354 00:16:43 What was that all about?
355 00:16:45 Hey. Now there'sa million-dollar swing!
356 00:16:47 I'm sorry!
357 00:16:49 You can go in front of usif you want to.
358 00:16:50 We are not very good.
359 00:16:52 No, it's a good cut,
360 00:16:54 you're just not bendingyour knees enough.
361 00:16:56 I'm a licensed golf pro.You mind if I show you?
362 00:16:58 Yes, please.
363 00:17:01 Maybe bend overa little bit... Here.
364 00:17:03 That feels about right,doesn't it?
365 00:17:05 Hands on my shaft...The shaft.
366 00:17:08 Let me just getmy finger in there.
367 00:17:10 One, two, three...
368 00:17:14 My God! Did you see that?Thank you!
369 00:17:17 How long have youbeen teaching golf?
370 00:17:19 Ever since I retiredfrom being an astronaut.
371 00:17:22 It's nice to see some heavenlybodies around here too.
372 00:17:25 Hey, Grandpa,don't you think we should
373 00:17:26 probably start golfing soon...
374 00:17:28 What the fuck?
375 00:17:30 Wanna be a lamband get that for me?
376 00:17:32 Did he justcall you "Grandpa"?
377 00:17:33 Who, Pepe?
378 00:17:34 He's a retard.Got it pretty bad, too.
379 00:17:36 He thinks I'm his grandpa.
380 00:17:39 He usually sits at home justdrawing dolphins all day.
381 00:17:42 We used to let himout on his own,
382 00:17:44 but the raping got so badthat we just...
383 00:17:48 Got it.
384 00:17:50 - You guys want a refill?- Sure.
385 00:17:51 Absolutely!
386 00:17:52 BRB!
387 00:17:56 I'm sorry aboutmy grandpa.
388 00:17:57 He's...He's not doing too well.
389 00:17:59 My grandma just passed andthe funeral was yesterday.
390 00:18:04 I'm actually a lawyer,not a retard.
391 00:18:08 I handle of lotof important issues.
392 00:18:09 SEC compliance,
393 00:18:12 LLC agreements. LP agreements.That sort of stuff.
394 00:18:17 Yeah, well, I thinkwe're gonna get going.
395 00:18:21 - Nice to meet you, Pepe.- Nice...
396 00:18:25 Fuck!
397 00:18:28 What happened?
398 00:18:30 Why are they going?What did you do?
399 00:18:31 What? I toldthem the truth.
400 00:18:33 I told them that I'm gettingmarried next week,
401 00:18:35 and you're not wellbecause your wife just died.
402 00:18:38 What are you,fucking vagina repellent?
403 00:18:39 Those cougarswanted to party!
404 00:18:41 - They wanted to party?- Yes!
405 00:18:42 Do you hear yourself?
406 00:18:44 Grandpa, are you kiddingme right now? Grandma...
407 00:18:45 I'm tryingto listen to myself.
408 00:18:46 Grandma's funeralwas yesterday!
409 00:18:48 Now you wannahit on college girls?
410 00:18:49 You're jerking off to porn?
411 00:18:52 - What's wrong with you?- Jason, I want to fuck!
412 00:18:54 My God...
413 00:18:55 For the first timein 40 years
414 00:18:57 I'm single andI want to fuck.
415 00:18:59 I want to fuck
416 00:19:00 until my dick falls off.
417 00:19:02 I want to fuck a horseand I wanna drink its blood!
418 00:19:05 I'm gonna throw up.
419 00:19:06 I was faithfulto your grandmother
420 00:19:07 every day for 40 years,
421 00:19:10 even through the menopause,even through the cancer.
422 00:19:12 She was the love of my life.
423 00:19:14 I'll miss herevery goddamn day.
424 00:19:16 But she told meon her deathbed,
425 00:19:18 "You get backout there again."
426 00:19:20 I haven't had sexin 15 years, Jason,
427 00:19:22 and I want to fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
428 00:19:24 So that's whatthis is all about?
429 00:19:26 This whole thing. Youdidn't want to be with me.
430 00:19:28 You wanted meto drive you down to Boca
431 00:19:29 so I could be yourfucking wingman?
432 00:19:31 Well, obviouslyI made a bad decision
433 00:19:32 because you're nothing buta cock-blocking machine.
434 00:19:33 I don't know what you are.
435 00:19:35 You're like the IsraeliIron Dome defense system,
436 00:19:37 but with vaginasinstead of missiles.
437 00:19:38 - What?- You're like some sort of
438 00:19:39 Cock-blocking Terminator
439 00:19:41 sent back from the futureto cock-block humans.
440 00:19:43 The robotsshould have sent you
441 00:19:44 instead ofArnold Schwarzenegger,
442 00:19:46 you could have cock-blockedJohn Connor's parents
443 00:19:48 and he would neverhave been born!
444 00:19:49 Shut up, Grandpa!
445 00:19:50 - Shut up!- What got into you?
446 00:19:51 I remember youin high school,
447 00:19:52 you were rippingpeople's dicks off
448 00:19:53 on the football field,
449 00:19:55 talking abouttraveling the world!
450 00:19:57 Now you're pushing somepapers at a fucking law firm
451 00:19:59 and probablypeeing sitting down.
452 00:20:00 Grandpa, I don't knowwhat you thought
453 00:20:01 this weekendwas going to be about,
454 00:20:02 but I came herefor one reason,
455 00:20:03 to get you to Boca.
456 00:20:05 That's it.
457 00:20:06 Fine.
458 00:20:08 Now can I pleaseplay some golf?
459 00:20:09 - Fucking golf.- Okay.
460 00:20:10 Cocky McBlockerson.
461 00:20:18 What the fuck?
462 00:20:22 Bam!
463 00:20:26 Who does your taxes?H&R Cock-block?
464 00:20:29 Stop it.
465 00:20:35 Bam!
466 00:20:37 Are you still Jennyfrom the cock-block?
467 00:20:39 What the fuck! What is yourobsession with my ass?
468 00:20:42 Your vibrator's on.
469 00:20:45 You can't getinto it anyway
470 00:20:47 because you don'tknow my code.
471 00:20:49 Looks like your grandparemembered your birthday!
472 00:20:50 What? Give me that!
473 00:20:52 We're goingto fucking Daytona.
474 00:20:55 We're notgoing to Daytona,
475 00:20:56 because I've gotthe keys to the golf cart.
476 00:21:02 What are you doing?
477 00:21:04 Hey.
478 00:21:06 How'd you do that?
479 00:21:07 Coming or staying,Jack Dicklaus?
480 00:21:09 - Grandpa?- Hurry up, Bubba Twatson.
481 00:21:10 Grandpa, stop.
482 00:21:11 Gary Player-with-my-balls.
483 00:21:12 Stop the cart!
484 00:21:14 Fred Couples-of-big-dicks-in-your-ass.
485 00:21:15 My God.Grandpa! Stop!
486 00:21:17 MichelleWies-all-over-my-face.
487 00:21:40 Now, this is whatI'm fucking talking about.
488 00:21:42 This is so fucked up.
489 00:21:44 Calm down,you'll get to hang out
490 00:21:46 with that gypsy girlyou like.
491 00:21:47 - I don't like her.- Yes, you do.
492 00:21:49 That's why you didn't deny
493 00:21:50 being a photographerfor Time magazine.
494 00:21:51 You can hang out with her,
495 00:21:53 I can havevaginal sex with Lenore.
496 00:21:55 It all works out!We can even go visit
497 00:21:56 my old army buddy, Stinky.
498 00:21:58 Stinky?
499 00:22:01 Which tiki bar are they in?
500 00:22:03 Shit. Shit. Shit.
501 00:22:05 - What's that?- It's Meredith.
502 00:22:06 Please,I've got to answer that.
503 00:22:07 Tell her to fuck off.
504 00:22:08 Grandpa!
505 00:22:10 I'm just gonna check
506 00:22:11 the testosterone levelson your phone first.
507 00:22:12 Grandpa, give memy phone now!
508 00:22:13 Just as I thought.Pretty low.
509 00:22:15 This is Meredith calling...Shit!
510 00:22:17 Now, look what you did,
511 00:22:19 you dropped itin the car's vagina.
512 00:22:20 God damn it,I have to put it on speaker.
513 00:22:21 Don't say anything.
514 00:22:22 I will not say a word.
515 00:22:25 Ballbags!
516 00:22:27 Hey! Who was that?
517 00:22:30 No one. We're in a restaurant.Sorry.
518 00:22:31 "Who's that?"
519 00:22:32 - What's up?- Okay...
520 00:22:34 Well, I really want them
521 00:22:35 to postour wedding announcement
522 00:22:37 on the New York Times website
523 00:22:38 before our rehearsalbrunch Friday,
524 00:22:40 so I just wanted to runyour section back to you.
525 00:22:43 Yeah, you know, now'sreally not a good time...
526 00:22:44 Jason? Can we justdo this please?
527 00:22:47 "Can we do this now?"
528 00:22:49 "Jason Richard Kelly,son of..."
529 00:22:52 "Doctor SmegmaVon BoxMunchers."
530 00:22:54 "David and Brooke,
531 00:22:56 "is a junior associateat the law firm of..."
532 00:22:59 "Cream pie fartand donkey punch!"
533 00:23:02 Okay, who is that?
534 00:23:03 It's no one. It's a waiter
535 00:23:04 with pretty bad Tourette's,I think...
536 00:23:08 He just keeps walking byyelling weird shit,
537 00:23:10 I don't know why...
538 00:23:12 Okay, well,what restaurant are you at?
539 00:23:14 I can barely evenhear you now.
540 00:23:15 We're atChuck E. Cheese's...
541 00:23:17 Daytona fucking Beach!
542 00:23:19 Daytona fucking Beach!You're right, buddy!
543 00:23:22 You're in Daytona Beach?
544 00:23:25 Listen, we're just drivingthrough Daytona Beach.
545 00:23:27 We're en route to Grandpa's...
546 00:23:28 Jason!
547 00:23:29 I don't know why you're there,
548 00:23:31 but you'd better call mefrom your grandfather's house
549 00:23:34 when you get theretonight, okay?
550 00:23:35 Of course, baby.
551 00:23:36 I love you so much...
552 00:23:38 - Fuck!- Marriage is hard.
553 00:23:39 What'd the hotcollege girls text back?
554 00:23:42 Grandpa, what are youtexting them?
555 00:23:43 I just texted them.
556 00:23:44 What are you texting them?"We'll meet you on the beach."
557 00:23:46 Yeah, and I added the emoji
558 00:23:48 with the winkand the tongue out.
559 00:23:51 I'm not kidding,Grandpa.
560 00:23:52 You realizethat if I don't call her
561 00:23:53 from your housein Boca tonight,
562 00:23:55 I'm fucked, man,I'm fucked.
563 00:23:57 Jesus. Sounds likeyou're marrying
564 00:23:58 your fuckingparole officer.
565 00:24:00 It's just Meredith.It's the way she is, man.
566 00:24:02 She just gets,like, anxious
567 00:24:05 when she doesn't knowexactly where I am.
568 00:24:07 Don't panic.It's organic.
569 00:24:09 Yeah, I know. Couples getin fights all the time.
570 00:24:11 But it's differentwith Meredith.
571 00:24:12 She takes itto another level, man,
572 00:24:14 and I'm telling you,if I don't call her
573 00:24:14 from your house in Boca,I'm screwed.
574 00:24:16 Well, ain't nobodygot time for that.
575 00:24:19 Yeah, I know.Clearly.
576 00:24:21 Which is whyI don't understand
577 00:24:22 how we got so faroff schedule.
578 00:24:24 ...Sometimeslife is just a fart zone,
579 00:24:26 and you enterat your own risk.
580 00:24:30 Have you beenreading shit
581 00:24:31 off the shot glassesand the shirts in here
582 00:24:33 and just saying itlike it's wisdom?
583 00:24:35 I was seriously tryingto talk to you, man.
584 00:24:36 Do you realizethe stakes here?
585 00:24:38 You're ridiculous!
586 00:24:39 Smile.
587 00:24:40 You've had a phonethis entire fucking time?
588 00:24:43 What elsedon't I know about you?
589 00:24:44 How the hell do you knowhow to speak Arabic?
590 00:24:46 Dad's never saidanything about that.
591 00:24:48 That's because your dad
592 00:24:49 doesn't really knowmuch about me.
593 00:24:51 I was away with the armyduring most of his childhood.
594 00:24:52 So we werenever that close.
595 00:24:55 Is that whyhe doesn't like you?
596 00:25:00 Anybody work here?
597 00:25:02 Okay, everybodyon the fucking floor!
598 00:25:04 This is a goddamn robbery!
599 00:25:06 On the fucking ground!
600 00:25:11 My God,you should see your faces!
601 00:25:14 I just left to grab lunchand a new horse mask.
602 00:25:17 I left mine at the beachthe other day. Whoo!
603 00:25:20 I thought you were gonnashit your pants, little guy.
604 00:25:22 Gun's real though.
605 00:25:24 What the fuck, man!
606 00:25:26 Relax, this is Florida.
607 00:25:29 Everything'sa licensed gun range.
608 00:25:31 You just shotthrough a wall, man!
609 00:25:32 - Hey...- There's pedestrians outside!
610 00:25:34 Yeah, again, it's Florida!These people don't matter.
611 00:25:38 - What?- So?
612 00:25:40 Welcome toTam Pam Surf Slam.
613 00:25:42 What can I do for yougentlemen? I'm Pam.
614 00:25:43 You're Pam?
615 00:25:45 Yeah. It's a nickname.
616 00:25:46 Real name's Pamela.
617 00:25:50 Hey, no, guys!Absolutely not!
618 00:25:53 I will not ever sell you drugsout of this establishment!
619 00:25:59 We didn't ask youto sell us drugs.
620 00:26:00 Okay, cool.You're not cops.
621 00:26:02 In which case,welcome to drugs!
622 00:26:07 - My God.- Now, I'm pretty cool,
623 00:26:09 So I only sell the stuffthat occurs naturally.
624 00:26:11 So I got weed, I gotmushrooms, I got meth.
625 00:26:13 - Meth?- Yeah.
626 00:26:15 How is that natural?
627 00:26:16 Well, it occurs naturally
628 00:26:17 in my cousin's basementin Baltimore,
629 00:26:18 if you know what I mean.
630 00:26:20 I'm taking this and thisbecause you shot at me.
631 00:26:22 I'm sorry.I almost shot you.
632 00:26:25 What are you going to do, cryall the way home, handsome?
633 00:26:27 I'm also giving youzero stars on Yelp.
634 00:26:28 What a dick.
635 00:26:59 - Hey.- Hey.
636 00:27:00 Hi, Professor.
637 00:27:02 Well, there's the prettiestlittle girl on the beach.
638 00:27:04 Thank you.
639 00:27:05 I was actuallytalking to him.
640 00:27:07 Yup! Immediately offensive.I'm going back to the hotel.
641 00:27:10 Just try not to join the castof Rent on the way back!
642 00:27:14 So we got the Professor,you got the millionaire.
643 00:27:17 How's the restof the Gilligan's Island cast?
644 00:27:19 We're good.
645 00:27:21 - Yeah?- Yeah, everyone's good.
646 00:27:22 Well, that's good.
647 00:27:23 Copacetic on the island.
648 00:27:24 How are those washed-outpictures you're taking
649 00:27:26 because you still havethe lighting optimizer on?
650 00:27:27 They're not...Where is that?
651 00:27:29 Actually, it's reallyhypersensitive
652 00:27:32 on the new 60D model.
653 00:27:33 So you have to...
654 00:27:36 - Wait. What is that?- Okay, nope.
655 00:27:37 - What are you doing?- Give it back, Malibu Ken.
656 00:27:39 - No...- What?
657 00:27:40 You did it. You turnedinto one of those people.
658 00:27:42 I turned intoone of those people
659 00:27:44 that gives a shitabout something?
660 00:27:46 Are you gonna chainyourself to a polar bear?
661 00:27:47 Only if youlet me borrow...
662 00:27:49 What is this,a beach sweater?
663 00:27:50 Yeah.
664 00:27:52 What, did you justcome from skiing?
665 00:27:53 Yeah, I skied in,
666 00:27:54 just to see yousave the world.
667 00:27:57 One Jell-O shot at a time.
668 00:27:59 High-five!
669 00:28:01 You want meto do your back?
670 00:28:03 Only if you promiseto do my front first.
671 00:28:05 Gladly.
672 00:28:07 Whoops!
673 00:28:10 That neverusually happens.
674 00:28:12 Really? It happens to meall the time.
675 00:28:14 Well, guess who just tooka shit in the water?
676 00:28:16 We've been lookingfor you bitches all day.
677 00:28:18 Where the fuckhave you been?
678 00:28:20 Our carbroke down in Orlando.
679 00:28:22 Do you everlook at your cell phone?
680 00:28:23 Awesome.
681 00:28:24 Who are these cunt punches?
682 00:28:26 These are our friends thatwe met on the way down.
683 00:28:29 Yeah.
684 00:28:30 That's Cody and Brah.
685 00:28:32 They're on thelacrosse team at Florida.
686 00:28:33 This guyplays lacrosse?
687 00:28:35 All-conference, brah!
688 00:28:37 Yeah? Which one, the fuckingDiabetes Conference?
689 00:28:41 All right, we're about to boatrace a bunch of those fucks
690 00:28:43 from the University of Georgiaup in the room. So...
691 00:28:45 My God!University of Georgia!
692 00:28:47 No way! You're a Hornet?
693 00:28:49 Afraid so.
694 00:28:50 Well, you guysshould get in there then,
695 00:28:51 Edward Jizzumhands.
696 00:28:55 Well, thank you. We will.
697 00:28:57 Good, that's great.I'll see you up there.
698 00:29:00 Good. Well,you say we'll be there
699 00:29:01 and on time.
700 00:29:03 - Sweet. I will.- Yeah.
701 00:29:04 Yeah, let's do that.
702 00:29:06 - No, we should.- Let's do it now.
703 00:29:07 - Yeah, I'll see you up there.- What...
704 00:29:09 Come to the hotel.By the pool.
705 00:29:11 Georgia sucks!
706 00:29:15 Can we please just go?They've got boyfriends.
707 00:29:18 Those meatdick fucks? They'renot their boyfriends.
708 00:29:20 They're just seniors,
709 00:29:22 and they're all just terrifiedand speed-fucking each other
710 00:29:23 before the ship goes down.
711 00:29:24 Didn't you evergo on Spring Break?
712 00:29:25 No, I didn't goto Spring Break,
713 00:29:27 'cause I was studyingfor law school.
714 00:29:29 Besides, I can'tchug alcohol anymore
715 00:29:30 like I used to, Grandpa.
716 00:29:31 I've developed,like, a gag reflex.
717 00:29:33 - A gag reflex?- Yeah.
718 00:29:35 You're chugging a beer,
719 00:29:36 not taking downa horse cock, Jason.
720 00:29:38 Come on.
721 00:29:49 Go Hornets!
722 00:29:51 Go Hornets, yeah...
723 00:29:52 Hey, you know, one in threeof these girls has herpes.
724 00:29:54 Even if you can't see it.
725 00:29:56 Jesus.Nut the fuck up.
726 00:29:57 It's just a college party,you nance. Chill!
727 00:30:00 Hey, here they are.
728 00:30:03 I'm gonna get some beers.What about you, twinkle toes?
729 00:30:06 You want some of dat drank?Some of dat purple drank?
730 00:30:09 Some of datpurple-ass muthafuckin'
731 00:30:10 pimp-dick drank?
732 00:30:13 Who the fuck are you?
733 00:30:20 It's a pretty rockin' party.
734 00:30:22 Whoo.
735 00:30:24 Who let the dogs out?
736 00:30:25 Am I right?
737 00:30:41 Sir, before we start,would you prefer
738 00:30:42 if we gave youa spritzer to chug?
739 00:30:44 Maybe a Pinot Noir?
740 00:30:51 You're goingdown, old man.
741 00:30:53 Nobody chugs like me.
742 00:30:54 I bet. You've been chuggingBrah's cum for years.
743 00:31:00 Let's go.
744 00:31:04 Chug!
745 00:31:05 Chug!
746 00:31:07 Chug!
747 00:31:08 Chug!
748 00:31:13 Go! Go! Chug!
749 00:32:14 It's actuallykind of fun.
750 00:32:21 Yeah, I'm not really,you know, for sure,
751 00:32:26 per say...
752 00:32:28 ...what we're doingafter graduation.
753 00:32:30 I mean,
754 00:32:32 - we have offers to play...- Blah, blah, blah...
755 00:32:34 ...professionallacrosse in Europe,
756 00:32:36 but a bunch of agents
757 00:32:37 Words, words, words...
758 00:32:38 also want us to startmodeling, so...
759 00:32:40 And again, we're talking aboutthis fat fuck right here?
760 00:32:44 You guys... You haveto come see this right now.
761 00:33:04 All right, our team won!
762 00:33:07 Let's celebrateby buying local drugs
763 00:33:11 from a reputable,local drug dealer.
764 00:33:14 Hey, what areyou doing here?
765 00:33:18 I'm selling drugs, man.
766 00:33:19 I'm trying to put my kidthrough preschool.
767 00:33:22 How honest is that!
768 00:33:24 Touching my facea lot, bro.
769 00:33:25 Touching my facea whole lot, man.
770 00:33:27 Why don't you takesome of this.
771 00:33:28 This'll mellow you out.
772 00:33:29 - What is it?- E-cig, bro.
773 00:33:31 "E" is for "Weed"!
774 00:33:33 Sure, why not?
775 00:33:38 Yeah, that's a big...That's a big one.
776 00:33:46 Whoo!
777 00:33:48 Just be glad you didn't smoke this, man.This is crack!
778 00:33:51 - What?- Yeah!
779 00:33:53 This one...Wait a minute...
780 00:33:56 Maybe that one's crackand this one's weed.
781 00:34:00 Hang on.What'd you do now, Pam?
782 00:34:02 Fuck. Hold on.Which one's crack?
783 00:34:06 Okay. I got this.Don't freak out.
784 00:34:09 Sorry to worry you, man.You're not gonna believe this.
785 00:34:12 They're both crack.
786 00:34:14 What?
787 00:34:15 And you have taken an amount
788 00:34:17 that will probably kill youin about 30 minutes.
789 00:34:19 - I just smoked crack?- Yeah.
790 00:34:21 But just, like, a lot.
791 00:34:23 I just smoked crack.
792 00:34:28 I just smoked crack!
793 00:34:33 USA!
794 00:34:34 USA!
795 00:34:36 USA!
796 00:34:37 USA!
797 00:34:39 Told you.
798 00:34:44 He's fine.He's just a little drunk.
799 00:34:48 Whoo!
800 00:34:50 Everybody loves crack!
801 00:34:53 Bee loves crack.
802 00:34:55 Bee loves some crack.
803 00:34:57 We should probablygo help him.
804 00:35:02 Sting? You're stung!
805 00:35:07 Shit,I just found my queen.
806 00:35:09 All right.
807 00:35:12 Okay, let's help him.
808 00:35:16 Excuse me. Jason!
809 00:35:21 - Hey, Jason.- Jason.
810 00:35:25 - Jason.- Jason.
811 00:35:29 Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
812 00:35:35 I'm gonna live forever!
813 00:35:44 Party on!
814 00:36:00 Shit!
815 00:36:03 One, two, three...
816 00:36:06 - Hello?- Where the fuck have you been?
817 00:36:10 We got to Grandpa'sa little bit later
818 00:36:11 than we thought last night,
819 00:36:13 and my phone chargerwasn't working.
820 00:36:16 Well, you knowwe missed the deadline
821 00:36:18 for our wedding announcementto be in the Times.
822 00:36:20 Where are you?Are you close?
823 00:36:24 Listen, Grandpa gotreally upset last night.
824 00:36:26 So I'm just getting
825 00:36:28 a little bit ofa late jump here.
826 00:36:31 I want to show you thebouquets for the bridesmaids.
827 00:36:32 So switch toFaceTime, okay?
828 00:36:34 Shit! Baby, the reception atGrandpa's isn't very good...
829 00:36:37 Jason, justfucking do it!
830 00:36:38 Okay, one second.Switching over.
831 00:36:40 Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
832 00:36:43 Is that sandon your face?
833 00:36:45 It's just sawdust
834 00:36:47 because I was helpingGrandpa in the garage, so...
835 00:36:48 I naturally got the dustof the saw on the face.
836 00:36:52 - Hi, honey.- Jason.
837 00:36:54 Mom? Dad?
838 00:36:57 Is that writingon your face?
839 00:37:00 I was working on my vowslate last night and...
840 00:37:05 And I fell asleep and I gotsome pen on my face, so...
841 00:37:08 Yeah, that must bethe exact thing that happened.
842 00:37:11 Yeah, Meredithcalled us because
843 00:37:12 she hadn'theard from you all night.
844 00:37:14 We got the rabbi hereto work on the vows.
845 00:37:17 Boker tov, Jason.
846 00:37:19 Hey. Shalom.
847 00:37:22 No, Jason, really...What is on your forehead?
848 00:37:25 It's a swastikaof penises.
849 00:37:28 No, that's not what it is.
850 00:37:30 Acting as a pinwheelof ejaculate...
851 00:37:33 No, no, no,it's a FaceTime effect.
852 00:37:36 All the kids are usingthem these days.
853 00:37:38 There's a Hanukkah one. See?
854 00:37:42 I don't like that one as muchas the swastika full of dicks.
855 00:37:45 Okay, let's discussthe wedding vows.
856 00:37:48 Jason, why don't youbegin by telling us all
857 00:37:51 what it is you likeabout Meredith.
858 00:37:53 Yeah, where do I start?She's...
859 00:37:56 Hello.
860 00:38:00 Hello, buzzy bee.
861 00:38:02 What?
862 00:38:04 If you can'tthink of anything,
863 00:38:05 lean into them looks, dawg.
864 00:38:06 Can I touch buzzy bee?
865 00:38:08 I've loved her for... No,you can't touch buzzy bee!
866 00:38:11 I love the way that she...
867 00:38:15 What are you doing?Stop it!
868 00:38:16 Go away!
869 00:38:18 You're getting me in...Fuck, go away!
870 00:38:19 Your buzzy beelooks so fluffy!
871 00:38:20 What did he say?
872 00:38:22 I just don't knowwhere to start.
873 00:38:24 Let me touch buzzy bee!
874 00:38:25 - You can't have the bee!- What?
875 00:38:26 I want to stroke the bee!
876 00:38:28 You can'tstroke the bee! Okay?
877 00:38:30 I want to kiss buzzy bee!
878 00:38:31 You can't kiss the bee!
879 00:38:33 I love the waythat she kisses.
880 00:38:35 - Kid!- Hey!
881 00:38:37 - My God...- Hey!
882 00:38:39 - Fucking pervert!- No.
883 00:38:40 I got to go right now.I'm sorry.
884 00:38:41 I love you. Bye!
885 00:38:42 No, no, no! Jason! Jason!
886 00:38:45 Come on. I told youto stay with us.
887 00:38:48 He let me stroke it.
888 00:38:51 Hold on! He's talkingabout a pee... A bee.
889 00:38:53 A little stuffed bee.
890 00:38:54 What bee?
891 00:38:56 There wasa bee here, man!
892 00:38:57 It was so soft.
893 00:38:58 He let me kiss it.
894 00:39:00 No, I did notlet you kiss it!
895 00:39:01 What are youtalking about?
896 00:39:02 - He did not even...- You're fucking dead!
897 00:39:04 Dad, that was cool!
898 00:39:07 Shit!
899 00:39:25 Please, for the love of God,may I have some pants?
900 00:39:28 Please...
901 00:39:30 Jesus, I'm so sorry. Of course.
902 00:39:33 Yeah, definitely. Letme hurry on over there.
903 00:39:37 You like khakisor sweatpants?
904 00:39:40 I mean, anything's fine.You know what? Khakis.
905 00:39:43 - Khakis? All right.- Yes, please. Thank you.
906 00:39:44 Also, I'm going to stepout and get some lunch.
907 00:39:46 Do you want a sandwich?
908 00:39:48 Yeah, sure.That'd be awesome.
909 00:39:49 Yeah. Ham? Turkey?
910 00:39:50 I would love turkey.
911 00:39:53 That's so funny, becauseI'm a turkey man myself.
912 00:39:54 Thank you so much.
913 00:39:57 Turkey... Okay...All right...
914 00:40:00 Also, finally,do you want to be ass raped
915 00:40:02 by the man with themental age of seven
916 00:40:05 or do you want to bestripped naked
917 00:40:06 and used as a human diaper
918 00:40:08 by the, same man?
919 00:40:12 Let me knowwhat time works for you,
920 00:40:13 'cause you'rein fucking jail.
921 00:40:14 Sit down.
922 00:40:25 All right. Gary, I'm all done.It's late.
923 00:40:28 I gotta go openthe store, buddy.
924 00:40:30 I don't know, man.
925 00:40:31 You tried to sell peyoteto middle schoolers.
926 00:40:34 Well, I don't know if I'mgoing to be able to get you
927 00:40:37 that human growth hormoneyou asked me about.
928 00:40:39 So that you can get"jacked," you said?
929 00:40:42 Remember?You're already looking good.
930 00:40:44 All right,let's get you out of there.
931 00:40:46 - Why are you letting him out?- Gary! Gary! Gary!
932 00:40:48 He's the onethat sold me crack!
933 00:40:49 Hey, man!
934 00:40:50 That's how you're gonnado me right now?
935 00:40:52 - Snitches get stitches!- Yeah!
936 00:40:53 Zip it!
937 00:40:55 Yeah. Snitchesdo get stitches!
938 00:40:56 I thought we were friends...
939 00:40:57 Don't mess withmy best friend, Pam.
940 00:40:58 Yeah!I'll see you later, Gary.
941 00:41:00 See you, buddy. If you can getme that money you owe me too,
942 00:41:02 - that'd be great.- Finchy.
943 00:41:03 Hey, Officer Finch.
944 00:41:04 What's up?
945 00:41:06 - Here's the deal.- Yeah.
946 00:41:07 - I'm about to skedaddle...- Yeah, you are.
947 00:41:09 I came in here withsome drugs in a bag.
948 00:41:11 It would be greatif I could leave
949 00:41:13 with those drugsin the bag.
950 00:41:15 You know what?I want what's great for you.
951 00:41:17 Thank you.
952 00:41:18 There they are.
953 00:41:20 - There you go!- Look at the arm on that guy.
954 00:41:22 I know.
955 00:41:23 He's reallygetting big!
956 00:41:25 - He's working on it.- I really need that HGH.
957 00:41:26 He's working on it.
958 00:41:27 - All right, I'll talk to you guys later. Bye.- Yeah.
959 00:41:30 Bam! One of thegood ones. Right?
960 00:41:34 Okay, listen.
961 00:41:36 Guys, I'm incredibly sorryfor all this confusion,
962 00:41:38 but listen to me, please,
963 00:41:40 I have to let you knowI'm a lawyer.
964 00:41:42 All right? I knowmy rights and I know
965 00:41:44 that I should havea phone call.
966 00:41:46 Well, is thisyour phone right here?
967 00:41:48 Yeah, that's my phone.
968 00:41:49 That's your phone right there.
969 00:41:51 Just gonna takea little picture.
970 00:41:52 Snatch-chat.
971 00:41:54 Please don't do thatwith my phone.
972 00:41:55 Hope you gota wide angle lens on that.
973 00:42:01 Kidding.
974 00:42:04 Somebody just posted his bail.Get that pervert some pants.
975 00:42:08 All right.
976 00:42:09 These werea couple pair of pants
977 00:42:11 from murder victimsfrom a 1990s orgy gone bad.
978 00:42:16 We got semen-stainedor blood-stained.
979 00:42:19 Take your pick.What's it gonna be?
980 00:42:23 - Blood.- Semen it is.
981 00:42:28 - Hey, there he is.- No.
982 00:42:30 Don't evenfucking talk to me.
983 00:42:33 I know thingsgot a little chaotic,
984 00:42:35 but I'm so closewith Lenore...
985 00:42:37 What the fuckis wrong with you?
986 00:42:39 I'm about to get fuckingmarried, Grandpa!
987 00:42:41 In one week!To a Jewish girl!
988 00:42:43 And I just woke upin fucking jail
989 00:42:45 with a bunch of peniseson my forehead
990 00:42:48 in the shapeof a swastika!
991 00:42:51 Could call ita swasticock.
992 00:42:54 - What?- It's a play on words.
993 00:42:56 It's a play on words.
994 00:42:59 A play on words.
995 00:43:02 Play on these words.
996 00:43:04 I'm dropping you off
997 00:43:05 at your old army vetbuddy's house,
998 00:43:08 he's gonna drive youto fucking Boca.
999 00:43:10 Because I'm fuckingdone with you.
1000 00:43:15 What the fuckare you looking at?
1001 00:43:16 I can't helpstaring at your tits.
1002 00:43:19 Pow!
1003 00:43:20 What the fuckis wrong with you?
1004 00:43:27 You know, Stinkyhad more confirmed kills
1005 00:43:29 than anyone in our platoonback in 'Nam? 118.
1006 00:43:33 Shut the fuck up.
1007 00:43:36 What is this place?
1008 00:43:37 I don't know.Or care.
1009 00:43:39 At least justcome in with me.
1010 00:43:41 Let's make sureit's the right house.
1011 00:43:42 After you.
1012 00:43:45 Grandson of the year.
1013 00:43:48 Your grandmother'sashes are in there.
1014 00:43:52 She's in a coffin.Fuck you!
1015 00:43:56 Well,better late than never.
1016 00:43:59 Yeah! Fuck them up, ALF!
1017 00:44:02 Motherfucker!
1018 00:44:04 Stinky?
1019 00:44:07 What the fuck are youdoing here, Dick?
1020 00:44:09 This?
1021 00:44:13 This is liver failure.
1022 00:44:17 Who's the lesbian?
1023 00:44:19 That's my grandson,Jason.
1024 00:44:21 Yeah?
1025 00:44:22 Is he here toscissor with me?
1026 00:44:24 Okay, that's justoffensive to lesbians.
1027 00:44:26 I am very sorry,k.d. Lang.
1028 00:44:30 Time for Bingo!
1029 00:44:32 Come on. Stinky, we got to getyou the fuck out of here.
1030 00:44:34 Come on, let's go.
1031 00:44:35 I have onefucking month left, Dick!
1032 00:44:39 I don't want you toremember me like this, man.
1033 00:44:42 I want you to rememberme as a warrior.
1034 00:44:44 Please. Leave me be.
1035 00:44:45 But, Stinky...
1036 00:44:47 No, no, no...Just let me finish, Dick.
1037 00:44:49 Leave me yourbeautiful lesbian grandson
1038 00:44:53 so he canblowjob me to death.
1039 00:44:58 It's all overfor me, Dick.
1040 00:45:01 You know, all I wannado is play Bingo.
1041 00:45:06 Go.
1042 00:45:09 All ready?
1043 00:45:14 Bingo!
1044 00:45:23 I'm sorry aboutyour friend, Grandpa.
1045 00:45:26 So it comesto this.
1046 00:45:30 Even before you die,you just stop living,
1047 00:45:33 and it's all one fucked-upfacsimile of the real thing.
1048 00:45:42 We have to go back.
1049 00:45:44 Yeah. I know.
1050 00:45:47 I'll drive us home.
1051 00:45:49 Not Atlanta.Daytona.
1052 00:45:52 What?
1053 00:45:53 I have to fuckthat girl, Jason.
1054 00:45:55 Jesus, Grandpa!
1055 00:45:56 I do. I haveto fuck her!
1056 00:45:59 Grandpa, you'rejust depressed.
1057 00:46:01 You're confused right nowbecause of Grandma.
1058 00:46:03 Grandma wanted meto do this.
1059 00:46:05 - What?- Yeah. She said when she died,
1060 00:46:07 She wanted meto move on
1061 00:46:08 and live my lifethe way I wanted to,
1062 00:46:10 and right now, you knowwhat I want to do?
1063 00:46:12 I want to get my dick suckedby that fucking college girl!
1064 00:46:14 What is thatgoing to do for you?
1065 00:46:16 Is that going to makeyou feel young again?
1066 00:46:17 Yeah! Yeah,what's wrong with that?
1067 00:46:18 Yeah?
1068 00:46:21 Feeling young again?What do I have?
1069 00:46:23 A dead wife,dying friends.
1070 00:46:25 A few fucking goodyears left if I'm lucky.
1071 00:46:27 And you know what?It fucking freaks me out!
1072 00:46:30 Yeah.
1073 00:46:34 Look, I don't expectyou to understand.
1074 00:46:36 You're young.
1075 00:46:37 You have a long,long time
1076 00:46:39 before you have tolook into that abyss.
1077 00:46:41 But the way I see it,having sex with that girl
1078 00:46:43 is my last stand.
1079 00:46:45 And I can't do itwithout you.
1080 00:46:47 So I'm asking you.
1081 00:46:48 Please, Jason,
1082 00:46:50 just stay one more dayso I can do this.
1083 00:46:54 Please.
1084 00:47:01 Okay, Daytona Beach!Who's ready for a Flex Off!
1085 00:47:05 I'm talking about dudesgetting on stage,
1086 00:47:08 getting ripped!
1087 00:47:10 Yeah!
1088 00:47:12 Yes, I'll be home tomorrow.I promise.
1089 00:47:15 And I know... Yes,
1090 00:47:16 I know the dinneris important to the firm...
1091 00:47:18 Hold on,I'm getting another call.
1092 00:47:19 It might be Meredith.Okay? Bye.
1093 00:47:22 - Hello?- Hey, it's me.
1094 00:47:24 Someone just stucktheir thumb up my ass.
1095 00:47:26 What?
1096 00:47:27 Yeah, I was juststanding right there,
1097 00:47:28 talking on the phone,
1098 00:47:30 and someone cameright up behind me
1099 00:47:31 and stuck their thumbup my ass.
1100 00:47:33 - Did you see who it was...- Jamba!
1101 00:47:35 Fuck!Stop doing that!
1102 00:47:37 How'd it go onthe home front?
1103 00:47:38 How do you think?
1104 00:47:39 Come on. Let's go.
1105 00:47:41 Come on.
1106 00:47:44 Top Gun in the house!
1107 00:47:47 We got Maverick!We got Fat Goose!
1108 00:47:51 Do we have a challenger?
1109 00:47:54 Right here!Right here!
1110 00:47:55 These two!She wants to!
1111 00:47:56 These two.
1112 00:47:57 Pick her!
1113 00:47:59 Who willaccept this challenge?
1114 00:48:00 You go up there,I'll let you do
1115 00:48:01 whatever you wantto me tonight.
1116 00:48:03 - All right, I'm doing it.- All right!
1117 00:48:05 - What?- Whoo!
1118 00:48:07 - No, no, no!- Are you kidding me?
1119 00:48:09 I saw your body last night,it's a lot better than Cody's.
1120 00:48:12 And my bodysure as shit looks better
1121 00:48:14 than that fuckingShamu's up there.
1122 00:48:15 There's 1,000people out here!
1123 00:48:17 A lost old manhas wandered on stage.
1124 00:48:19 Are you his nurse?
1125 00:48:21 No. Fuck no.
1126 00:48:22 Get on stage! Get on stage!
1127 00:48:26 Get on stage! Get on stage!
1128 00:48:28 Get on stage! Get on stage!
1129 00:48:31 Do it for me!
1130 00:48:33 Get on stage! Get on stage!
1131 00:48:37 So we have team Top Gun
1132 00:48:40 versus creepy old guyand his lesbian daughter.
1133 00:48:45 Okay, Daytona Beach,are you ready to Flex Off?
1134 00:48:49 Three! Two! One!
1135 00:48:52 Flex!
1136 00:48:55 Having trouble getting thatcoat off, Fat Goose?
1137 00:48:59 Look at this guy!
1138 00:49:01 He's likeMother Teresa's vagina!
1139 00:49:04 Old and tight!
1140 00:49:07 Hey, look,it's Cirque du So Gay!
1141 00:49:11 What now?
1142 00:49:15 Has the old man fallen?
1143 00:49:17 Or is it...
1144 00:49:19 One-armedmotherfucking push-ups!
1145 00:49:21 Holy shit!
1146 00:49:23 Lesbian daughter'sgetting in on the action!
1147 00:49:25 I happen to knowhe smoked crack last night!
1148 00:49:28 These push-ups are fuelledby the devil's candy!
1149 00:49:31 Unbelievable!
1150 00:49:35 Your move,Dolly Parton.
1151 00:49:38 What are you gonnado now, team Top Gun?
1152 00:49:41 And, hey, everybody,don't forget to stop
1153 00:49:43 by Tam Pam Surf Slam in town
1154 00:49:45 where I'm selling"beach towels"
1155 00:49:48 for 50 bucks an ounce.
1156 00:49:49 "Sun screen"for 10 bucks a dime bag.
1157 00:49:53 And I'm also selling meth!
1158 00:49:58 Just got married!
1159 00:50:00 Your move,Viagra Falls.
1160 00:50:02 Crowd going wildfor team Top Gun!
1161 00:50:06 Grandpa, I got this.Watch!
1162 00:50:09 Most muscular, on three.One, two, three.
1163 00:50:15 I think this guyjust sharted!
1164 00:50:18 No, I didn't!
1165 00:50:19 Yes!
1166 00:50:20 Call a lifeguard, I thinkthere's been a shart attack!
1167 00:50:33 I'm not evenholding the mic right now.
1168 00:50:38 You suck!
1169 00:50:40 I have an idea.
1170 00:50:42 Do you remember that thing weused to do when I was a kid?
1171 00:50:44 Yeah.
1172 00:50:48 One, two, three...
1173 00:50:50 Hold on, what's this?
1174 00:50:52 What is going on?My God, what am I seeing?
1175 00:50:58 Am I on drugs? Of course I am!
1176 00:51:02 This is too incredible!
1177 00:51:03 Flex Off historyis being made!
1178 00:51:07 What's up now, Brah?
1179 00:51:09 Yeah, what's up now, Brah?
1180 00:51:11 Yeah,what's up now, Brah?
1181 00:51:12 'Sup now, Brah?
1182 00:51:14 'Sup now, Brah?
1183 00:51:15 'Sup now, Brah?
1184 00:51:18 This is incredible!Take out your cameras!
1185 00:51:21 Put this online!This shit is going viral!
1186 00:51:24 Shit. Let me down.
1187 00:51:26 Did everybodyget a picture of that?
1188 00:51:29 What the fuckare you doing?
1189 00:51:30 - I can't do this...- What?
1190 00:51:32 - God...- The winners
1191 00:51:33 Of the Alpha Delta Flex Off...
1192 00:51:35 Wait a minute!Where are you going?
1193 00:51:37 - Guys?- Where are you going?
1194 00:51:38 Jason!
1195 00:51:40 You can't justleave me here like this.
1196 00:51:41 Why'd you stop?We were winning!
1197 00:51:42 Because I'm a lawyer!
1198 00:51:43 I can't have people taking
1199 00:51:45 pictures of medoing stuff like this.
1200 00:51:46 Can you imagine if the firmsaw something like that?
1201 00:51:48 By default, the winnerof the Flex Off is...
1202 00:51:51 Bring the cuphome, baby!
1203 00:51:53 ...these two dildos.
1204 00:51:57 Every single day,my career's in jeopardy...
1205 00:52:00 - What are you doing?- I'm taking the regulator off
1206 00:52:01 The pneumaticpropulsion system.
1207 00:52:04 Give me a beer.
1208 00:52:06 Grandpa, what did youreally do for the army?
1209 00:52:09 I told you,I was a mechanic.
1210 00:52:09 Bullshit.
1211 00:52:12 You speak Arabic.You hotwired a golf cart.
1212 00:52:15 Tell me the truth.
1213 00:52:17 All right,I was Special Forces!
1214 00:52:19 I trained insurgents
1215 00:52:21 behind enemy linesfrom Vietnam to Iraq.
1216 00:52:22 Now give me the fucking beer can!Come on!
1217 00:52:26 Look at this dummy!
1218 00:52:27 What an idiot!
1219 00:52:34 Whoo!
1220 00:52:35 Yeah! Do it again!
1221 00:52:38 We can change in Cody's room.I picked his pocket earlier.
1222 00:52:40 Nothingto see here, guys.
1223 00:52:42 Cops are gonnacome pretty quick.
1224 00:52:46 No, no, this is his father,so that's what I'm saying.
1225 00:52:49 Keep him heavily sedated,
1226 00:52:50 but don't be afraid to pullthe plug if you have to.
1227 00:52:53 Thank you, Doctor.
1228 00:52:56 Okay. They're in thehospital till tomorrow!
1229 00:52:59 The room's oursfor the night.
1230 00:53:02 Look at thesefucking people.
1231 00:53:04 How was brunch atHitler's house that day?
1232 00:53:06 Hey, Grandpa, who elsein our family knows
1233 00:53:09 that you were, SpecialForces or whatever?
1234 00:53:12 No one, once yourgrandmother passed.
1235 00:53:14 Your fatherstopped talking to me
1236 00:53:16 before my missionswere declassified.
1237 00:53:17 So he always thoughtI was just an army mechanic.
1238 00:53:20 But don't you think
1239 00:53:22 that you guys wouldget along a little better
1240 00:53:23 if you told him?
1241 00:53:29 Hey, come on. Let's seehow you look. Come on out.
1242 00:53:36 First of all,
1243 00:53:37 nobody wearsa fucking white belt.
1244 00:53:40 The only peoplewho wear white belts
1245 00:53:41 are people whosuck at karate
1246 00:53:42 and peoplewho suck at life.
1247 00:53:44 Take the fucking belt off.
1248 00:53:46 And you better lose thatfucking white polo shirt
1249 00:53:48 and those pleatedkhaki pants.
1250 00:53:50 You're meeting up with girls,not blowing an oil executive
1251 00:53:52 on a fucking golf course.
1252 00:53:54 Put these on.
1253 00:53:58 Well, in caseyou forgot,
1254 00:53:59 I don't even haveunderwear, from last night.
1255 00:54:01 All right, just put them on.I'll turn around.
1256 00:54:06 Nice dick.
1257 00:54:07 Jeez, Grandpa.
1258 00:54:08 That's a good dick. Yougot your grandpa's dick.
1259 00:54:11 Not the girth, not thelength, but same style.
1260 00:54:14 That's good to know.
1261 00:54:15 You're luckyyou're not your dad.
1262 00:54:17 He's got his mom's dick.
1263 00:54:19 What the fuck?
1264 00:54:21 Now put your pants on.
1265 00:54:38 Shit. It's Meredith.
1266 00:54:39 Don't answer it.
1267 00:54:41 My rehearsal brunchis this weekend.
1268 00:54:43 No calls.For one night,
1269 00:54:45 stop worrying about your wedding.Please.
1270 00:54:47 We have two hot, smart,beautiful college girls
1271 00:54:49 at the peakof their sexual powers
1272 00:54:51 about to meet us at one of
1273 00:54:52 the last great nightclubsin Florida.
1274 00:54:54 Worry about them.
1275 00:54:59 Okay.
1276 00:55:20 I don't think you're verypopular here, Grandpa.
1277 00:55:23 You're the one that's goingto have to watch out.
1278 00:55:25 You might get Oreo'd.
1279 00:55:27 Oreo'd?
1280 00:55:28 That's when two black guysfuck a white guy.
1281 00:55:30 You're the creamin the middle.
1282 00:55:45 Game on.
1283 00:55:47 Hey! Glad you guys made it.
1284 00:55:50 Let's go getfucked up. Right?
1285 00:55:52 My stepdadhates me!
1286 00:55:55 Let's go!
1287 00:56:05 Party till you're pregnant!
1288 00:56:11 My God,I love this song!
1289 00:56:14 You're not gonnadie on me, are you?
1290 00:56:16 - I don't think so.- All right!
1291 00:56:25 - Come on.- No. No.
1292 00:57:00 You want it? Come here,give me that hat!
1293 00:57:04 My God...
1294 00:57:08 Give me that!What is this?
1295 00:57:10 Hey! Hey, hey, hey...
1296 00:57:13 Leave my illegitimateblack son alone.
1297 00:57:16 We were justasking him to dance.
1298 00:57:18 Well, he don't wanna dance.
1299 00:57:19 Well, maybe you wannadance instead.
1300 00:57:21 - I don't wanna dance...- Colonel Sanders!
1301 00:57:23 It's all right.It's all right.
1302 00:57:25 Let's not dirtythis place up.
1303 00:57:28 It's a shrine. Sinatrasang here. Parking lot?
1304 00:57:36 It'll be fine.
1305 00:57:38 How is this going to be fine?Look at this crew.
1306 00:57:43 Come on.We have a good crew too.
1307 00:57:45 We have no crew.
1308 00:57:48 We have no crew.
1309 00:57:49 Are we going to J.Crew?
1310 00:57:52 Fuck J.Crew.
1311 00:57:55 Don't do this.
1312 00:57:57 I think I'm goingto have to fight them all,
1313 00:57:59 so you're going to haveto take the first punch.
1314 00:58:00 - What?- Okay! He's up first.
1315 00:58:04 Whatever.
1316 00:58:06 You like that shit,white boy?
1317 00:58:07 Dude, what the fuckis wrong with you?
1318 00:58:09 What? You want next, bitch?
1319 00:58:11 Hey, I thought I had next.
1320 00:58:30 Tell him you're sorry you madefun of him for being gay.
1321 00:58:34 I'm sorry I made funof you for being gay!
1322 00:58:37 Tell him you were raisedin a different era,
1323 00:58:39 but now you knowit's wrong to judge people
1324 00:58:41 based on theirsexual orientation
1325 00:58:43 and that if you had tobe gay with someone
1326 00:58:45 for some reason,
1327 00:58:46 you know, to prevent aterrorist attack or something,
1328 00:58:48 it would be with him.
1329 00:58:50 What?!
1330 00:58:52 Say it.
1331 00:58:54 If I had to be gaywith somebody
1332 00:58:59 to preventa terrorist attack,
1333 00:59:01 it would be you!
1334 00:59:05 Apology accepted.
1335 00:59:07 Okay.
1336 00:59:10 Get out of herebefore I use my other arm.
1337 00:59:15 This ain't over.
1338 00:59:20 Now fuck off and takeJodeci with you.
1339 00:59:23 Let's roll.
1340 00:59:29 It's too bad Lenore barfedall over herself tonight.
1341 00:59:32 I definitely could havehad sex with her.
1342 00:59:34 Yup.
1343 00:59:36 I probably could havestill had sex
1344 00:59:39 if she just threw upon her front,
1345 00:59:40 but she somehow gotit all over her back,
1346 00:59:42 and I wouldhave felt bad.
1347 00:59:45 Well, chivalryisn't dead.
1348 00:59:48 I like the way you tookthat haymaker tonight.
1349 00:59:50 Sometimes you just gotta takethat punch up front, you know?
1350 00:59:53 Then things get easierin the long run.
1351 01:00:00 "De Oppresso Liber."
1352 01:00:02 It's writtenon your knife too.
1353 01:00:03 What does that mean?
1354 01:00:05 Hey, lights outafter 12:00, boys.
1355 01:00:09 I better notcatch you swimming
1356 01:00:10 across the laketo the girls' camp, okay?
1357 01:00:13 - Night.- Good night.
1358 01:00:20 You know, maybe I'll findsomething to do
1359 01:00:22 with Shadia tomorrow
1360 01:00:24 and give you and Lenorea little more alone time.
1361 01:00:31 I kind of feel like we'rejust getting in your way.
1362 01:00:33 Yeah?
1363 01:00:35 I'm sure there'ssomething...
1364 01:00:37 What the fuck?Did you just get naked?
1365 01:00:40 It's the bestway to sleep.
1366 01:00:41 My God!
1367 01:00:44 I picked it up in Ugandafrom the Umbatdo.
1368 01:00:46 Umbat-don't let your junktouch my leg again
1369 01:00:48 or you're sleepingon the floor.
1370 01:00:51 Night.
1371 01:00:53 Night.
1372 01:01:07 Jason...
1373 01:01:10 The fuck! My God!
1374 01:01:18 What do these guys want to cutall the trees down for anyway?
1375 01:01:20 For some stupid, like,
1376 01:01:22 massive, tackyentertainment complex.
1377 01:01:24 You know, the ones with,like, arcades
1378 01:01:26 and laser tag.That sort of thing.
1379 01:01:28 Laser tag?I love laser tag.
1380 01:01:29 Yeah.
1381 01:01:30 - When does it open?- Nice. Thanks a lot.
1382 01:01:32 - Shadia!- Hi, Griz.
1383 01:01:34 My God, your pics fromthe Boston rally look amazing!
1384 01:01:38 - Thank you.- Yeah. Absolutely.
1385 01:01:39 Sweet Hacky Sack, man.
1386 01:01:42 It's not a Hacky Sack, dawg.That's the trade name.
1387 01:01:44 It's an organichemp-seed foot satchel.
1388 01:01:46 And what's someonefrom the fucking
1389 01:01:47 laser tag lobbydoing here?
1390 01:01:49 No, I'm justa friend of Shadia's.
1391 01:01:50 Just a friend.
1392 01:01:52 That's pretty cool, man.What is that, a dance ball?
1393 01:01:54 Fuck! What the fuck?
1394 01:01:56 - You're fucking kidding me.- It's like a...
1395 01:01:58 What the fuck!
1396 01:02:00 It's a 4-inch acrylicjuggling orb!
1397 01:02:02 Dick.
1398 01:02:04 I'll see you guysnext weekend.
1399 01:02:06 - Absolutely. Absolutely.- Yeah? Okay. Bye.
1400 01:02:08 Love your necklace.
1401 01:02:10 Bye.
1402 01:02:14 Hey, Griz...
1403 01:02:17 Don't touch that,it's from Laser Tag.
1404 01:02:18 Sorry.
1405 01:02:20 They're good people.I swear.
1406 01:02:21 Let me see that.
1407 01:02:24 Where are you goingwith these "good people"?
1408 01:02:25 We're heading outto the coast
1409 01:02:26 to... chartera boat for the year.
1410 01:02:29 - For the year?- Yeah.
1411 01:02:31 To do what?
1412 01:02:32 We're documentingthe effects
1413 01:02:33 of climate changeout on the ocean.
1414 01:02:36 Aren't you supposedto graduate next weekend?
1415 01:02:39 Yeah.
1416 01:02:44 Seems to me like you'rerunning from something.
1417 01:02:47 Come on, haven't youhad to make sacrifices
1418 01:02:49 to get where you areas a photographer?
1419 01:02:51 I mean, yeah, but...
1420 01:02:54 That's different.
1421 01:02:57 Look at this.
1422 01:03:04 I hate photos of myself.
1423 01:03:07 Why?
1424 01:03:08 You look beautiful.
1425 01:03:12 See?
1426 01:03:28 Hey.
1427 01:03:30 Wait, just calm down.
1428 01:03:32 What?
1429 01:03:34 Shit. Yeah,we'll be right there.
1430 01:03:36 - What's going on?- We gotta go.
1431 01:03:39 And then I came backfrom the bathroom
1432 01:03:41 and all those black guysfrom the club
1433 01:03:43 were, like, standing aroundLenore and Dr. Richards
1434 01:03:45 and they were yelling atthem and threatening them
1435 01:03:47 and they, like,kidnapped them!
1436 01:03:49 And I thinkone of them had a gun!
1437 01:03:50 Did you seewhere they took them?
1438 01:03:52 No.
1439 01:03:53 Those guys are stayingat The Tillman.
1440 01:03:54 That's all I know.
1441 01:03:55 - Okay.- Come on!
1442 01:03:58 - Come on!- Shit!
1443 01:04:04 What?
1444 01:04:07 I smell marijuana.
1445 01:04:13 What are you going todo with a bucket?
1446 01:04:14 I don't know!
1447 01:04:16 Okay, on three. Ready?
1448 01:04:19 One, two, three!
1449 01:04:24 Okay, let me tryone more time.
1450 01:04:26 The GZA, the RZA,
1451 01:04:30 Ol' Dirty Bastard.
1452 01:04:32 What's going on?
1453 01:04:33 Gang stuff.
1454 01:04:35 Raekwon the Chef!
1455 01:04:37 And the Method Man!
1456 01:04:44 Hey! Here they are!How was the protest?
1457 01:04:46 It was good.
1458 01:04:47 Yeah, it was good.
1459 01:04:50 This is Lamar,Lil' Chris, Big Chris,
1460 01:04:53 Murray Finkelstein.
1461 01:04:54 And, of course, you'vealready met Ty-rizone.
1462 01:04:57 That nigga's crazy, man.
1463 01:04:59 Yeah, what's withthe N-word, anyway?
1464 01:05:01 I can say it.I can't say it...
1465 01:05:02 You can say itwhen we let you say it.
1466 01:05:04 Which is never.
1467 01:05:06 Just never say thatunder any circumstances.
1468 01:05:12 Shotgun!
1469 01:05:17 What the fuck is going on?
1470 01:05:19 I thought these guyswanted to kill you!
1471 01:05:21 Lebanese Red.
1472 01:05:24 I had some of this left over
1473 01:05:25 from my timein the Middle East.
1474 01:05:26 You throw some ofthis shit around,
1475 01:05:28 you can reallyget away with anything.
1476 01:05:30 Have some.
1477 01:05:31 You're smokinggrass now?
1478 01:05:33 Jesus, this is agateway drug, Grandpa.
1479 01:05:35 Yeah, well, you just openedthe gateway to being a pussy.
1480 01:05:37 - Take some.- Yo, D.
1481 01:05:38 Let's fucking bounce!
1482 01:05:40 Let's fucking bounce!
1483 01:05:42 Where?
1484 01:06:04 Can I say it?Can I say it?
1485 01:06:05 No! No, no.
1486 01:06:06 Say it!
1487 01:06:08 Say that shit!
1488 01:06:18 I'm totally gonnafuck him tonight.
1489 01:06:20 Can I watch?
1490 01:06:21 'Cause I kind of wantto fuck him too now.
1491 01:06:25 Drop the mic, baby!Drop the mic, baby!
1492 01:06:28 That's whatI'm talking about!
1493 01:06:29 Peace out, niggas!
1494 01:06:30 I see you, boy.
1495 01:06:31 Nasty!
1496 01:06:36 Up next we haveShadia and Jason!
1497 01:06:39 Yep, it's us now.
1498 01:06:41 What? No. No, no, no, no.
1499 01:06:44 - No...- Come on.
1500 01:06:45 We can't top that.I don't want to do this.
1501 01:06:48 You know the song.You know every word. See?
1502 01:06:53 You're going to make medo it all alone?
1503 01:06:55 Fine.
1504 01:06:58 Hey.
1505 01:08:11 Damn!
1506 01:08:24 Who are you?
1507 01:08:29 I'm just saying,who sings that well
1508 01:08:31 and isn'ta professional singer?
1509 01:08:33 You're so good at singingyou actually suck!
1510 01:08:36 You guys want to come upfor a nightcap?
1511 01:08:37 Yeah, well...
1512 01:08:40 See if shit gets real?
1513 01:08:43 Well, youngMichael Buble and I
1514 01:08:46 are gonna have a stogieby the pool, so...
1515 01:08:51 - See you up there?- Yeah.
1516 01:08:59 I want you to knowhow much I appreciate
1517 01:09:00 you doing thisfor me, Jason.
1518 01:09:04 The greatest gift a grandsoncan give his grandfather
1519 01:09:06 is a hot college girl who
1520 01:09:07 wants to have unprotected sexwith him before he dies.
1521 01:09:11 Yeah, well, most grandpasjust want toffee.
1522 01:09:19 What's the matter?
1523 01:09:22 I think I'm gonnacall off my wedding.
1524 01:09:27 Well, when you get married,it's for a long fucking time.
1525 01:09:31 And it's hard.
1526 01:09:34 So it damn wellbetter be with a woman
1527 01:09:36 who keeps thingsinteresting.
1528 01:09:38 You knowyour grandmother,
1529 01:09:40 she tried to grow herown pot plant once?
1530 01:09:43 - Really?- Yeah,
1531 01:09:45 She just wanted to seeif she could do it.
1532 01:09:49 She was alwayssurprising me like that.
1533 01:09:53 We also tried analonce every five years.
1534 01:09:58 Sweet.
1535 01:10:01 I miss having someoneto share everything with.
1536 01:10:06 It's not fairto just keep Shadia
1537 01:10:08 in the dark like this.
1538 01:10:10 Since we started this,it's just been one big lie.
1539 01:10:13 She has no idea who I am.
1540 01:10:16 I have to tellher the truth.
1541 01:10:19 Well, maybe telling hertonight is a little abrupt.
1542 01:10:24 The most important partof a relationship is trust.
1543 01:10:26 That's right.
1544 01:10:28 And I'm goingto start now.
1545 01:10:30 Or you can just wait till Ihave sex with Lenore tonight,
1546 01:10:33 then you cantell Shadia everything.
1547 01:10:35 No. I'm just lying.
1548 01:10:37 Jason,I'm your grandfather!
1549 01:10:40 You wait till I fuckthat college girl!
1550 01:10:41 - I'm telling her now.- Jason...
1551 01:10:44 Jason! Jason!
1552 01:10:45 Jason!
1553 01:10:47 Jason!
1554 01:10:51 'Sup, brah?
1555 01:10:55 Back off, D cups!
1556 01:10:57 Well, if it isn'tthe "Professor."
1557 01:11:00 You know, it's amazingwhat you can find
1558 01:11:02 with a nameand Google these days.
1559 01:11:04 You're nota real professor?
1560 01:11:06 My God! You lied to us.How could you.
1561 01:11:08 Wait, wait, wait,this is the best part.
1562 01:11:10 This is the best part.
1563 01:11:13 Richard "Dick" Kelly,Lieutenant Colonel
1564 01:11:16 in the United States Army,
1565 01:11:19 also known as theAmerican Gladiator "Nitro."
1566 01:11:22 What the fuckdid you Google?
1567 01:11:24 Okay, well, there'sanother best part then.
1568 01:11:29 "Jason Patrick Kelly will wedMeredith Miriam Goldstein
1569 01:11:33 "at Jericho Templeon Saturday, March 27th."
1570 01:11:37 Wait, that's...next Saturday.
1571 01:11:42 Wait, you're grandfatherand grandson?
1572 01:11:45 My God!That is so fucked up.
1573 01:11:47 That is so hot. I mean,that is so fucked up.
1574 01:11:53 So...
1575 01:11:57 Are you getting marriednext weekend?
1576 01:11:59 I was.I was getting married,
1577 01:12:02 but then I met you,and now I don't...
1578 01:12:04 My God!No. Don't pull that shit.
1579 01:12:08 I feel fucking stupidenough as it is.
1580 01:12:14 So you're not a professor?Are you even a photographer?
1581 01:12:17 I'm a lawyer.
1582 01:12:21 I handleSEC compliance.
1583 01:12:24 LLC agreements.
1584 01:12:26 I came up here to...
1585 01:12:27 Get the fuck out, Jason.Seriously.
1586 01:12:29 Can I havea second to explain?
1587 01:12:30 No!
1588 01:12:31 Hold up, hold up.Not so fast, "Professor."
1589 01:12:36 For what's it worth,
1590 01:12:38 I still reallywant to fuck you.
1591 01:12:40 And we're going to fuck.
1592 01:12:41 Yeah, we are.
1593 01:12:42 We're going to thunder fuck.
1594 01:12:43 You're gonnatsunami on my face!
1595 01:12:46 You're gonnaflood like the Nile.
1596 01:12:47 Yeah. I guess the droughtin my pussy is finally over.
1597 01:12:50 The villagerswill finally eat.
1598 01:12:52 You're gonna diewhile you're eating me out.
1599 01:12:53 I want your last breathto be in my pussy.
1600 01:12:55 Lenore!You're such a slut.
1601 01:12:56 Police!
1602 01:12:58 That's right.Po-po in the ho-ho.
1603 01:13:00 Some kind of ganja party?
1604 01:13:01 Sorry to harsh your mellows.
1605 01:13:03 Where's my e-vite?
1606 01:13:04 Is that the jacket?
1607 01:13:05 Check the right coat pocket.Check it, man.
1608 01:13:06 Okay, turn around.Come on.
1609 01:13:07 That's my jacket.That's not his jacket.
1610 01:13:09 Up againstthe palm. There you go.
1611 01:13:10 Let's have a look.What've you got in here?
1612 01:13:12 - Bingo-bango.- OMG.
1613 01:13:14 What the fuck?That's not mine!
1614 01:13:15 "What the fuck?"
1615 01:13:16 That's not mine!
1616 01:13:17 The fuck? Well,it looks like Spring Break
1617 01:13:19 is finally drug free!
1618 01:13:21 Come on, let's go.Let's go, pretty boy.
1619 01:13:23 Shall we?
1620 01:13:25 No, it doesn't go downthat way. Let's go.
1621 01:13:27 I'll wait for you, Grandpa.
1622 01:13:28 Keep that shittight for me!
1623 01:13:30 He's my Henry Miller.
1624 01:13:33 What the fuckdoes that mean?
1625 01:13:34 Exactly!
1626 01:13:38 Hey, there he is.
1627 01:13:41 You got blood on yourpants, you know.
1628 01:13:43 Your license isn'teven suspended, is it?
1629 01:13:45 You made all this up just soI'd come down here with you.
1630 01:13:47 I had to makesure you'd come.
1631 01:13:49 Fuck you!
1632 01:13:51 Just chill, Jason.Hakuna matata.
1633 01:13:55 Who the fuck are you?
1634 01:13:57 I should have knownyou were fucking crazy
1635 01:13:59 the moment you startedhitting on women
1636 01:14:00 the day afterGrandma's funeral!
1637 01:14:02 Don't you fuckingjudge me.
1638 01:14:04 You have no idea what I hadwith your grandmother.
1639 01:14:06 And everything I've donethese last few days
1640 01:14:07 I've done for a reason.
1641 01:14:09 You were about to fuck uproyally by getting married,
1642 01:14:11 - and you fucking know it!- Yeah?
1643 01:14:13 What the fuckam I supposed to do now?
1644 01:14:17 Chase aroundsome college girl
1645 01:14:18 that doesn't evenwant to fucking talk to me?
1646 01:14:21 Not know what the fuck I'mdoing for the rest of my life?
1647 01:14:22 Yeah, because at leastyou'd be thinking
1648 01:14:23 for yourself for a change.
1649 01:14:24 What the fuckdoes that even mean?
1650 01:14:26 Your father has lordedover every decision
1651 01:14:28 you've madein your adult life,
1652 01:14:30 and Meredith is justthe latest example of that!
1653 01:14:32 She's notright for you, Jason.
1654 01:14:34 If you marry her, you'regoing to be sleepwalking
1655 01:14:36 through the rest of your lifeand be completely unhappy,
1656 01:14:37 just like your father!
1657 01:14:38 I am alreadyunhappy with my life,
1658 01:14:41 because I've done nothingbut get fucked by you
1659 01:14:44 and this insane fuck rampagethat you've been on.
1660 01:14:47 It wasn'ta "fuck rampage" for me.
1661 01:14:48 It wasa "fuck rampage" for you.
1662 01:14:50 How? How is this for me?
1663 01:14:52 I fucked upas a father.
1664 01:14:53 I wasn't thereto raise your dad
1665 01:14:54 and he turned intoa materialistic,
1666 01:14:56 henpecked, poop-dickcountry clubber.
1667 01:14:59 I don't want thatto happen to you.
1668 01:15:01 So that's what this was?
1669 01:15:06 I was your last-ditchredemption project.
1670 01:15:14 Congratulations,Grandpa.
1671 01:15:16 You thought you werea shitty father?
1672 01:15:20 Now you'rea shitty grandfather.
1673 01:15:25 I don't want to see youat my wedding.
1674 01:15:27 Stay the fuckaway from me.
1675 01:16:12 So, do you like thissize, or this size?
1676 01:16:25 Hey, hon,the people at the venue
1677 01:16:28 said they don't haveenough mint napkins,
1678 01:16:30 so which onedo you like better?
1679 01:16:34 The seafoam orthe pistachio?
1680 01:16:39 I'll get it.
1681 01:16:55 What is it?
1682 01:16:57 It's... Just anotherwedding present.
1683 01:17:00 I hope it's thatnew big dipping spoon
1684 01:17:02 from Williams-Sonoma.
1685 01:17:15 ...and as a tributeto Meredith and Jason
1686 01:17:20 and the lovethat you guys share.
1687 01:17:21 A love I will never knowbecause my dog
1688 01:17:24 died the first dayI masturbated.
1689 01:17:25 So now I can'tget hard unless...
1690 01:17:26 Okay.
1691 01:17:28 Also, we've got to stop ISIS.It's gotten... It's too much.
1692 01:17:34 Got it. Got it.
1693 01:17:36 You know, today's celebrationis much more
1694 01:17:39 than just about the unionof two people,
1695 01:17:43 it's also about the unionof two families.
1696 01:17:45 Meredith...
1697 01:17:46 The Kellys and the Goldsteins.
1698 01:17:49 Let's have Jason and Meredithtell their own story.
1699 01:17:57 Nice job,Uncle Dave!
1700 01:18:44 Let's go in for the kill.
1701 01:18:56 You've been hacked.
1702 01:19:28 Because you loved me.
1703 01:19:44 What the fuck?
1704 01:19:48 That is notMartha's Vineyard.
1705 01:19:51 Jason!
1706 01:19:55 - Take it off!- Trying, dear. Trying.
1707 01:19:56 Leave them on.
1708 01:19:58 Shut it down.
1709 01:19:59 I have something to say.
1710 01:20:04 I think I've been listeningto everybody else
1711 01:20:08 about what I should bedoing with my life.
1712 01:20:10 My grandpa said somethingreally interesting.
1713 01:20:13 All right, cut the mics.I'm going up.
1714 01:20:15 ...take that punch,
1715 01:20:17 that point forward,things get easier.
1716 01:20:21 - The mic's off.- Jason, your mic cut out.
1717 01:20:22 What?
1718 01:20:24 Your mic cut out at themost inopportune time,
1719 01:20:26 so we can't hear
1720 01:20:27 why you want to leavethose images up.
1721 01:20:30 Hitting it won't work.
1722 01:20:31 If they caught itfrom the PA... Band?
1723 01:20:33 What the fuck?
1724 01:20:36 Nick, can youtell her something for me?
1725 01:20:38 Can you tell herthat...
1726 01:20:42 I'm really sorry,but I can't marry her.
1727 01:20:46 You think that messageshould come from me? Okay...
1728 01:20:51 Uncle Ramon,
1729 01:20:53 can you tell Merediththat Jason's sorry,
1730 01:20:55 but that theycan't get married?
1731 01:21:00 Fuck!
1732 01:21:03 I forgot Uncle Ramonwas deaf
1733 01:21:05 and I talked to himlike a normal.
1734 01:21:08 Uncle Ruben,
1735 01:21:10 can you please tell Merediththat Jason is really sorry,
1736 01:21:12 but that he can't marry her?
1737 01:21:17 He says he's very sorry,but he can't marry you.
1738 01:21:22 Uncle Ruben,
1739 01:21:24 can you turnthat thing up a little?
1740 01:21:25 It doesn't get any louder.
1741 01:21:28 Where'd you getthat thing, SkyMall?
1742 01:21:31 At this point,I'm kind of nervous
1743 01:21:33 that anybody I pickwill have a disability.
1744 01:21:36 Okay... Waiter...Hey, Pubes.
1745 01:21:40 Can you pleasego tell Meredith
1746 01:21:43 that my cousin Jasonis very sorry,
1747 01:21:44 but they cannotget married?
1748 01:21:47 Come on, man.It's my first day...
1749 01:21:49 I knowit's your first day,
1750 01:21:50 but everybody needsyou to be a man here.
1751 01:21:53 Okay.
1752 01:21:57 Just real quick...
1753 01:21:59 He sent me... He wantsme to tell you that...
1754 01:22:04 He doesn't thinkthat he can marry you.
1755 01:22:08 But that he's sorrythat he can't.
1756 01:22:16 She's laughing, so I thinkthat you're in the clear, bro.
1757 01:22:18 No, it's good.That was good.
1758 01:22:20 You can justgo back and tell him
1759 01:22:23 that I fucked his cousinNick while he was gone.
1760 01:22:27 She's so supercool about it.
1761 01:22:30 She's like, "Go!Do your thing. Do you."
1762 01:22:33 She said that?
1763 01:22:34 That's what she said,verbatim.
1764 01:22:36 Wait. Should I come downand say bye?
1765 01:22:38 No. God! Fuck no!
1766 01:22:39 No?
1767 01:22:40 Yeah. No need to even...Let's not even...
1768 01:22:42 You just... I've done it...We're great!
1769 01:22:46 Wait, where the fuckis he going?
1770 01:22:47 Jason!
1771 01:22:48 Jason!
1772 01:23:01 It's actually the guy onthe moped with the iPad.
1773 01:23:05 NSA stopped usingutility vans years ago.
1774 01:23:08 I figured once you sentthe camera back,
1775 01:23:10 it was time to takedrastic measures.
1776 01:23:13 What'd he say?Are we doing this?
1777 01:23:14 Plan B,have Pam kidnap you.
1778 01:23:17 I've got toget her back.
1779 01:23:18 You want meto kidnap her?
1780 01:23:20 I'll bring her back to youin a box, bro.
1781 01:23:22 She's on a bus headed weston I-85 across Florida.
1782 01:23:25 Her boat leavesin four hours.
1783 01:23:27 It was easyto track her down
1784 01:23:28 because of the wholeMiddle Eastern thing.
1785 01:23:30 Bet you never thoughtyou'd 69 a girl
1786 01:23:32 because of the Patriot Act.
1787 01:23:33 You 69 her, man!
1788 01:23:35 And then she's dead.
1789 01:23:37 Are you kidding me, Pam?This is what you drive?
1790 01:23:39 Yeah, it is so easyselling kids drugs
1791 01:23:41 from an ice cream truck.It's crazy!
1792 01:23:43 Jason!
1793 01:23:45 - Jason!- Go, go, go, go!
1794 01:23:46 Jason, stop!Stop right now.
1795 01:23:47 Stop! Stop!
1796 01:23:49 If you leave right now,
1797 01:23:51 you can kiss your jobat the firm goodbye!
1798 01:23:53 David, will you getthe fuck out of the way!
1799 01:23:56 Hey, hey! Come on!
1800 01:23:58 What the hell!
1801 01:24:00 Hey, guy, unless you wanta Chipwich or some heroin,
1802 01:24:02 get off my ice cream truck!
1803 01:24:04 Who the fuck is this slob?
1804 01:24:05 Slob? I am a smallbusiness owner!
1805 01:24:07 I am the backboneof this country!
1806 01:24:09 I am holding a taser!
1807 01:24:12 - Shit!- Dude, should I stop?
1808 01:24:14 What are you...
1809 01:24:15 I'm kind of in themiddle of it right here.
1810 01:24:16 Shit! All right.
1811 01:24:20 Raise your handif you've got a boner!
1812 01:24:23 What were wesupposed to do?
1813 01:24:25 Just leave himon the side of road?
1814 01:24:27 Hey, man, can you slow down?
1815 01:24:29 You're making thisvery difficult.
1816 01:24:31 What the fuck!That was you who drew
1817 01:24:32 all those dickson me last week?
1818 01:24:34 Yeah, I drew the dicks.Busted!
1819 01:24:34 My God!
1820 01:24:36 Shit!
1821 01:24:37 Don't worry. Get up. We'll cutthrough the back roads.
1822 01:24:39 - Wait, what?- You navigate. I'll drive.
1823 01:24:46 Watch out! Watch out!
1824 01:24:58 What the hellis going on?
1825 01:25:03 - Got ourselves a bogey.- All right, let's do this!
1826 01:25:11 Fuck! We gottalose some of this weight.
1827 01:25:13 Pam, throw someof this shit out of here!
1828 01:25:15 Hey, look, it's Pam.He's the good kind of Greek.
1829 01:25:20 Hey, Gene.Hey, Gary.
1830 01:25:25 How the hell do you knowhow to drive like that, Dad?
1831 01:25:27 Damn it, Grandpa.Just tell him!
1832 01:25:31 I was a Green Beretin Special Forces.
1833 01:25:33 I taught insurgentsbehind enemy lines.
1834 01:25:35 Mechanic was just my cover.
1835 01:25:37 Good! We're all made up!
1836 01:25:40 There they are!That's them! Let's go, go, go!
1837 01:25:45 Shadia!
1838 01:25:46 Jason?
1839 01:25:47 Stop the bus!I need to talk to you!
1840 01:25:50 What are you doing here
1841 01:25:51 - in an ice cream truck?- Stop the bus!
1842 01:25:52 Okay!
1843 01:25:53 Pull over!
1844 01:25:54 I'm not pulling over!
1845 01:25:56 Thanks a lot, Pam!You narc!
1846 01:25:59 What! I'm not a narc, Barry!
1847 01:26:01 Fuck you!
1848 01:26:03 Pam, you know him?
1849 01:26:04 Barry? Yeah, he's, like,my best friend.
1850 01:26:06 I sold him, like,six tons of ecstasy...!
1851 01:26:09 That's why they're notstopping the bus.
1852 01:26:10 It's full of drugs.
1853 01:26:13 Classic Pam.
1854 01:26:15 - I know that man.- Stop the bus!
1855 01:26:16 Jason, where are you going?
1856 01:26:18 What are you doing?
1857 01:26:21 What are they...
1858 01:26:34 You'd bettermarry that girl.
1859 01:26:36 Me? Nah, she's not reallymy type. Too skinny.
1860 01:26:48 What the fuck?
1861 01:26:50 Slow down!My God!
1862 01:26:52 What are you doing?
1863 01:26:56 Slow down, dude!
1864 01:27:06 Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
1865 01:27:07 Go get her, man!
1866 01:27:09 What is going on?What just happened?
1867 01:27:11 Hey. I don't evenfucking know,
1868 01:27:13 but I'm notgetting married.
1869 01:27:15 Okay, so that makes it okaythat you were lying to me?
1870 01:27:19 No. No, it doesn't.
1871 01:27:21 But you have to admit thatwhen we were together
1872 01:27:23 it felt great.
1873 01:27:24 There was somethingreal there.
1874 01:27:27 Yeah.
1875 01:27:31 What do youwant from me, Jason?
1876 01:27:34 I want you to stay.
1877 01:27:40 I just can't stay.
1878 01:27:45 Okay.
1879 01:27:47 No, I get it.
1880 01:27:50 Yeah.
1881 01:27:57 What if I come with you?
1882 01:28:00 Come...
1883 01:28:03 - Really?- I mean...
1884 01:28:07 I just broke up with myfiancee, lost my job.
1885 01:28:11 And I think I'm wantedby the police, so...
1886 01:28:14 A year at sea
1887 01:28:18 might actually bethe best place for me.
1888 01:28:22 Okay.
1889 01:28:36 Break it up, lesbians!Let's go.
1890 01:28:38 Get down on the ground!
1891 01:28:39 We're doing this becauseyou're lesbians!
1892 01:28:41 Get down on the ground!
1893 01:28:43 According toInterstate Statute 17.37,
1894 01:28:47 arrests made on theInterstate Highway System
1895 01:28:49 must be executedby state police,
1896 01:28:51 not your locallaw enforcement
1897 01:28:52 from your adjacentmunicipalities.
1898 01:28:55 You seem, like,really familiar
1899 01:28:56 with the penal code.
1900 01:28:58 You seem real cocksure
1901 01:28:59 about the juris-dick-tionyou're in.
1902 01:29:01 Real cocksure!
1903 01:29:02 Someone drew dicks allover your face, you idiot!
1904 01:29:04 Well, look at that!
1905 01:29:05 You got dicks on your face.
1906 01:29:07 That middle one's mine.Look it, this one right here.
1907 01:29:09 I traced it.
1908 01:29:10 I thought I recognized that!
1909 01:29:12 Enough catching up.Let my friends go.
1910 01:29:14 They've literallydone nothing wrong.
1911 01:29:17 Pam, we've got obstructionof justice here.
1912 01:29:19 We got recklessendangerment.
1913 01:29:21 The bus is full of drugs,I get it.
1914 01:29:23 Speaking of which,I've got to get out of here.
1915 01:29:25 I got three keysof "Frisbees"
1916 01:29:26 showing up at thestore today, so...
1917 01:29:28 I should go,question mark?
1918 01:29:30 Why don't youtake my squad car.
1919 01:29:32 That's a good idea.Give him your keys.
1920 01:29:34 You mean these keys?
1921 01:29:35 There they are.
1922 01:29:38 - Classic Pam.- Classic Pam.
1923 01:29:40 What do you saywe get some lunch?
1924 01:29:41 Love it.
1925 01:29:44 See you fucks later.
1926 01:29:47 So, I'm gonnago with her.
1927 01:29:53 Yeah, you should.
1928 01:29:55 She seems real nice.
1929 01:29:59 You know, I think this isour only way back now,
1930 01:30:03 so I'm gonna try to getthese cocks off of my face
1931 01:30:07 and get thattruck started.
1932 01:30:11 - Just give me one sec.- Yeah.
1933 01:30:21 Grandpa...
1934 01:30:23 Thank you for...
1935 01:30:24 Don't give meany of that shit.
1936 01:30:26 Just let me knowwhen you get back.
1937 01:30:28 And I actually wantto see your photos
1938 01:30:29 in Time magazine.
1939 01:30:31 This camera set meback three months
1940 01:30:33 of my army pension!
1941 01:30:48 Thanks, Grandpa.
1942 01:30:50 And, Jason...
1943 01:30:53 Yeah?
1944 01:30:56 Back in the '80s,
1945 01:30:58 when Andre the Giant
1946 01:30:59 used to go tothe Playboy Mansion,
1947 01:31:03 he'd stack five playmateson top of each other on a bed
1948 01:31:05 and fingerfuck them all.Five at a time.
1949 01:31:07 Because his handswere so big.
1950 01:31:11 So...
1951 01:31:14 That's it.
1952 01:31:20 Thanks, Grandpa.
1953 01:31:23 "De Oppresso Liber."
1954 01:31:26 Motto of the Green Berets.
1955 01:31:30 It means"to liberate the oppressed."
1956 01:31:45 Hey. You ready?
1957 01:31:46 Yep.
1958 01:32:06 Well, thanks for the ride.
1959 01:32:10 You gonna be okay, Dad?
1960 01:32:14 I miss her.
1961 01:32:18 But I'll be okay.
1962 01:32:24 I was a shitty fatherand I'm sorry.
1963 01:32:28 Well, we'll workon it.
1964 01:32:46 You're a hard manto track down, Professor.
1965 01:32:52 Are those my pants?
1966 01:32:53 Yeah, these areyour pants.
1967 01:32:55 I found a Werther'sOriginal in the pocket
1968 01:32:57 and I've beensucking on it all morning.
1969 01:33:00 You do know that I'm nota professor, right?
1970 01:33:02 Yeah, I know.
1971 01:33:04 You're just a dirty,dirty grandpa,
1972 01:33:06 and I'm just a girlfrom Long Island City
1973 01:33:09 who likes to fuckold people.
1974 01:33:12 I like yourpull-out couch.
1975 01:33:15 Yeah, well,I got news for you.
1976 01:33:17 That's the only thing
1977 01:33:18 that's gonna bepulling out tonight.
1978 01:33:20 I'll be right back.
1979 01:33:39 Hey.
1980 01:33:41 Look, I'm... I'm sorry.
1981 01:33:44 I don't knowif I can do this.
1982 01:33:45 I haven't done itfor a long time.
1983 01:34:06 Whoops! I guessthey just slipped off.
1984 01:34:10 I want you to tearopen my bra
1985 01:34:11 like it's a socialsecurity check.
1986 01:34:24 Tell me you've fallenand you can't get up.
1987 01:34:27 "Help, I've fallenand I can't get up."
1988 01:34:29 No!
1989 01:34:32 Now fumble aroundand pretend
1990 01:34:33 like you're tryingto find your glasses.
1991 01:34:35 "I'm trying to findmy glasses. I can't see.
1992 01:34:38 "I found them!I can see! I can see!"
1993 01:34:43 Tell me it's 4:00and you want to eat dinner.
1994 01:34:46 "It's 4:00and I want to eat dinner."
1995 01:34:47 Tell me the buttonson your remote control
1996 01:34:49 are so smallthat you can't find Fox News.
1997 01:34:51 "The buttonson my remote control
1998 01:34:53 "are so smallI can't find Fox News!"
1999 01:34:55 Tell me how small they are!
2000 01:34:56 "They're real small!"
2001 01:34:57 Tell me how this neighborhoodused to be safer!
2002 01:34:59 "This neighborhoodused to be safer!"
2003 01:35:01 Tell me how things werebetter under Eisenhower!
2004 01:35:03 "Things were betterunder Eisenhower!"
2005 01:35:05 - We like Ike!- We like Ike!
2006 01:35:07 - We like Ike!- We like Ike!
2007 01:35:08 We like Ike!
2008 01:35:09 We like Ike!
2009 01:35:10 We like Ike!
2010 01:35:12 We like Ike!
2011 01:35:14 We like Ike!
2012 01:35:17 Are youcumming or dying?
2013 01:35:19 I'm not sure!Maybe both!
2014 01:35:33 "...for as by a mancame death.
2015 01:35:38 "By a man hascome also life."
2016 01:35:43 Richard Kelly II.
2017 01:35:46 Congratulations on thebaby's new godparents,
2018 01:35:49 Jason and Shadia.
2019 01:35:51 Congratulations!
2020 01:35:55 Back to Mommy.All baptized.
2021 01:35:58 You just keepsurprising me, Grandpa.
2022 01:36:01 New dad at 72.
2023 01:36:03 Great fucking idea.
2024 01:36:04 Hey, watch yourpotty mouth!
2025 01:36:06 - Jesus, sorry...- Yeah, clean up your language.
2026 01:36:08 And show some respectfor your new grandmother!
2027 01:36:10 I'm sorry, honey.
2028 01:36:11 That's all right.
2029 01:36:12 And sweetie, would it killyou to visit us sometimes?
2030 01:36:14 We never see you.
2031 01:36:16 Sorry, Nanna.
2032 01:36:18 - You wanna go grab the car?- Yeah.
2033 01:36:19 All right, I'll pull aroundthe minivan.
2034 01:36:21 Go to Daddy.
2035 01:36:23 There we go,come to Daddy.
2036 01:36:24 All right.
2037 01:36:27 It's a little bit weird.
2038 01:36:30 She's my grandma.
2039 01:36:34 And you're my uncle.
2040 01:36:37 - Look at that.- Holy shit!
2041 01:36:40 It's a good dick.
2042 01:36:41 My God!Put that away.
2043 01:36:42 - It's our dick.- Yeah.
2044 01:36:44 I'm just relievedit's not his dick.
2045 01:36:48 You want to getthe bottle for me?
2046 01:36:50 Yeah.
2047 01:36:56 Jamba!